Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Can we open the hate mail now? We have hate mail? We have hate mail. Gosh. Whoever drew this, why did you pick this photo? Honestly, you give me the ink every time you sing. Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon.
Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, small more. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Yo, what's up guys? Welcome back to the funniest podcast on earth. Well, it would be the funniest podcast if somebody left. Are you trying to make that? Wait, are we like making that a tagline now? I mean, I just said it. You said it and then you also put it on our banner and then you also said it in the last episode. What? You put it on our banner? A night of? What? We're the funniest podcast on earth. I guess Matt's coming up with our slogan. What do you mean not really? Who's the funniest podcast more funny than us?
Theo Vaughn, right? That's subjective. We pass him on the charts. Sometimes he passes us, but we're over him a lot of the time. We were. I'm sorry. I'm kind of biased. Never mind. I won't say it. We love you, Theo.
Come on the pod. Yeah, yo, I DM'd him. He never DM'd me back. Yeah, Theo, come on the pod. Actually, I DM'd a lot of people that never DM'd me back. Should I just go through all the people that I DM'd that never DM'd me back? Yeah, call them out. Don't just make a bunch of enemies right now, please. No, no, it's not like that bad. This is me saying, hey, if you see this... Message me back. DM me back. I know everyone doesn't check their request, but it's all right. We have...
Just so we're aware, right now, just so we're aware, we are above Theo Vaughn on top comedy. Are we actually? What are we at? We're at number four on comedy charts. So we're not the funniest podcast on earth. Five, six. Theo Vaughn, come on our podcast to get your chart up. All right? Hey, Dave. Is this supposed to be a comedy? By the time he checks, we're going to be like past. Yeah, I guess it's comedy. What are we overall on Spotify right now? Probably like 35. What's our podcast at? Podcast. We are number eight in the US. We're back up on the top. I know.
On the planet right now according to Spotify saying the eighth biggest podcast on this earth. Can you believe that? Yeah, and we have people You know what? Y'all should all be thanking me. Why? Because
I remember a while, like, you know how we were dropping down to like number 30? Yeah, I do. I told all of them, I was like, guys, we're dropping in rankings. Everybody, please go watch our Spotify and go subscribe on there. Well, I said that we're up. You are so conceited. How about we thank them and not you? They're the ones that did it. I was just trying to take credit for them watching. That's crazy. Thank you guys. Guys, we are number eight. Because if you guys, we could be number one.
We could be. If you guys gather, we climb it. We're taking over Joe Rogan. Guys, if we become the number one podcast in the world, what should we do? We got to do something crazy. Well, we are the funniest podcast on earth. No, no, no. But if we hit number one, what should we do? Um.
We gotta do something crazy. If we hit number one, we'll get married. I want y'all to really understand. We'll get married. Number one. Number one podcast. I'm just trying to get married. I'll make all the bets. Number one podcast out of every single podcast ever on Spotify. We gotta do something big. Speaking of big. Let's go on a trip. What could we do? No, we gotta do something crazy. Oh, we could do a live podcast at our wedding.
I'll let Jake Paul punch me in the face. You want to be in the back row just live podcasting at the wedding? Now they're kissing the bride. Right? You and Gerald just sitting there. Yo, wait. Can I have Gerald? Since I'm your best man and all, can Gerald be the one that hands you the ring?
Your call. Oh, my gosh. Please. Hey, seriously, guys. We need a community thank you. What are we doing if we hit number one? Let's go. Let's go. Let's do a live podcast episode. You guys let us know what we should do if we hit number one. How about we do a live podcast episode in Dallas, Texas at the convention center? Top comment. Whatever the most liked comment is of what we should do if we hit the number one podcast in the world, we might or might not do that if it's feasible. Maybe a live show on the beach in Cancun? I don't know. I agree with that one. You know what would happen? We should do a live show.
show in the dallas texas convention center where the cheer competitions happen because i know like everybody's going to be there right like everybody's going to watch us right oh you want to do it during a cheer competition so everyone leaves the no no no no maybe but um no everybody will be around because i i know that place like the back of my hand i don't know the back of my hand but i um you know that place we will make some security guards for that yes um but i'm kidding uh that's so funny that's
awkward it's an inside joke you know we honestly we might need security guards you know one time you know one time we hired a security guard one time yeah we did and he watched me pee
He did. Remember that? Big Rob? Yeah, Big Rob. Shout out, Big Rob. Solid guy. Big Rob, you sure you hired a security guard? Yeah, he was an ex-NFL player. He was massive. He was a lineman. That doesn't mean he's a security guard. No, but no one can stop him. Like I said, he's a solid guy. He could not have been a security guard. I mean, he was guarding me with security. He was pretty good. And I went to use the bathroom, and he just like...
Like, I was, like, he, like, stood at the bathroom door just looking out the door. I was like, this feels legit. And never hired one gang because I like peeing in private.
I don't think you needed a security guard. I don't think you guys needed a security guard. I don't think so. I've been doing jujitsu now for a few years. I feel like a lethal weapon, honestly. When a police officer pulls me over, I'm like, just to let you know, I do jujitsu. The main reason for it was when we did the big meetups. And when we did the big meetups, for instance, the mall, there was like 1,000 people there. It was like if everyone did this.
Oh, and crushed you? Yeah. Yeah. I need someone to pick me up and just carry me. You guys were frail little boys. You guys were frail little boys. Yeah, at the time, I weighed like 110. Like, what am I going to do?
Ashley? How old were you? They were tiny. I was like 15, 16 when I did my first meetup. And you're 110? No. No, not actually. He was exaggerating. He was more like 115. I was probably like 145, 150. It was a figure of speech, Harper. I'm 160. 160? No, you are not. You are not 160. No, but guys, we will do what the top comment says if it's feasible. But you guys have to go to Spotify. Go to the LOL Podcast on Spotify. Go follow us. Make us.
- Even we can do a live show at Texas airport. - Or we can do it on the moon. First podcast on the moon. - That would be crazy. - Or we could do it at the zoo. - Like go follow our Spotify please. - With the gorillas. - With the gorillas around us. - Oh, me and that gorilla got beefed still. I don't know. - I don't know if you accept him back on the ground. - You're not friends with the gorillas at the zoo? - I mean not specific one. He didn't like me.
No, that's not what we're doing Cash needs to squash the beep with that. I think we're gonna have to bleep that that's gonna have to get bleeped And we're back because the censor couch said something that needed censored again. Don't forget to keep that. I said No, you know what's kind of embarrassing for us guys as I'm not even joking I'm not even joking. Wait, I
Are you joking? Are you joking? What's going on? I'm not joking. We have literally been talking about doing a live podcast episode. How badly we want to do one. We started saying it in like October and it is May now and we still have not done one. And you want to know why? Why? I'll tell you why. Because the boys don't think anyone would show up. Well...
Because we dropped merch and they were very disappointed with the sales. Yeah, none of y'all bought our merch. So we were like, well, dang. It was kind of lame looking. Let me design a shirt. I'll design a shirt. Yes. You think you can design a shirt? Yeah, I can design a shirt. Whoever designed that one should be fired. Yeah, literally, they asked me. They were like, Harper, do you think this is cute? And I was like, uh-uh. And then we sold maybe seven shirts.
no we sold more than seven but not like they were it was not enough to do a show it was enough just let me put it this way when we sold merch before like cash and maverick merch the numbers were like 10x 10x now they were way more than 10x maybe 20x way more also way more than 20x we slung i also probably 100x do y'all genuinely think that merch is a thing the way it was then yeah then it is if you make it a thing and i made it one
What? We basically created merch. What? Oh. No, James Charles. Yeah, because James Charles and the Paul brothers and no one else walks before. The Paul brothers created merch, realistically. They did the most. The Paul brothers? Yeah, when you think of merch, you think of Logan and Jake Paul. They were doing a milli a day. They were doing so much. It's crazy. But because of that, I tried to tell them. I was like, listen, guys, no one buys merch anymore. All right.
Let's read everyone that left me on read. Olivia Rodrigo, Liza Koshy, Tate McRae, Miranda Grove, Peyton List. On read or delivered? Oh, delivered. Sorry. Jake Paul. Wait, hold on. Why are you messaging all these chicks? Like what? You haven't finished. Jake Paul. Well, he's got the verification check mark. I can't send it. Nolan, Carl, I don't know who that person is. Chandler? Tana Mongeau? No. Oh. You don't know who that person is, but you messaged them? No.
Let's see. Ryan Anderson, Gypsy Rose's husband. Oh, her ex-husband. Gypsy Rose. They got divorced. Joe Rogan. Can you hear the puppy? Dude, this thing has messed... Instagram has messed with their DMs. This is not 100 weeks ago. Tyler from... Hey, this is real cool. But listen, I don't want to hear it anymore. Which dog is that? I think it's the puppy we have. There's a dog howling here, guys. Yeah. Mr. Beast...
I don't think it's outside. If it's outside, we need to get her inside because literally our neighbors, I feel like I'm going to freak. I don't think it's outside. David Dobrik, Theo Vaughn. Oh, Josh Peck left me on scene. Yeah. Joshy. Come on. Is the puppy in the crate? What does he say? He said, you trying to tussle? Something like that. In the crate? What? Something. No, no, no. He said something about tussle. Yeah. What are we talking about?
Garage. The dog? Yeah, just go do everything. I'll see you. Josh Peck left me on scene. Yeah. So should I say Drake is better anyway? No. Why? You can't say that. You know what's funny? Yeah. Should I say Drake was better anyway? No. You know what's funny? My top request, like I don't have anybody in there because my stupid Instagram is glitched. Yeah. That's what happens. And nobody is like, verified people, it's like, hey, I'm a big fan of you, XX. Maybe it's just that nobody, no verified people have messaged you. Yeah.
That's not possible. Let's see. That couldn't be possible. I think I had, I had someone in my, I had Jason Derulo. He's my top. Jason Derulo. He's my top like request. Jason Derulo. Jason Derulo. Jason Derulo. And then I have Cameron Dallas. And then I don't know anyone else after that. But Cameron Dallas was just trying to get me on his app. Should I just. His app. Yeah, sorry Cameron. I'm not doing it. Should my contacts say beauty and say send me PR period? What? What?
Because they've sent me here in the future, but they haven't sent me in the past. Y'all would think we're a little clouded almost being the number one podcast in the world, but I mean, literally no one has deepened me back. Well, we're the funniest podcast on the earth. That's all that matters. Speaking of messages. Speaking of messages. Speaking of messages. Speaking of messages. Speaking of messages. Yeah. Can we open the hate mail now? We have hate mail? We have hate mail. What about fan mail? Did we get any fan mail?
No. It's all hate mail? I mean, we probably do get fan mail, but producers said no fan mail. All right, first one is from Ryan Trahan. Have y'all ever talked to Ryan Trahan? No, but I love his wife's videos. I DM'd him, though. But you'll never guess what. He never DM'd me back. All right, we have Ryan. Oh, wait, no, sorry. We have one from 2Harper.
To Kenzie and to Kate. Oh, gosh. I got one. Then we also have for Maverick. Oh, give me it. I'll open it now. Of course, his is the bigger one. And then we also have. I'm kidding. Me, Cash E. Baker. Catchy. Catchy. You butchered his name. Whoever stole it. C-A-C-H-E. Hey, we still love you, okay? Cash E. Baker. To the LOL podcast. We got the whole crew.
And to Gerald. What the? You guys said it. This better not be hate mail to Gerald. This better not be hate mail to Gerald. Gerald can't even talk to defend himself. Alright, we'll sign off with the personals. Okay. We'll sign off with Harper's. Bet. Alright, to Harper. It has a little elf on it. Okay. Wait, it has an elf on it? Yeah, look. That's rude. That's kind of crazy to send an elf as the sticker for Harper's letter. What's it say?
Read it out loud. It says the F word. I'm not joking. Give me that. In the very first... Even. It says even. Oh, even. You can't read. You don't know where it came from, though, right? Huh? Okay. Even though Harper is a ginger and looks like the Wendy's girl, she's perfect in every way. She's so funny. I gained a lot of respect for her when she opened up and cried on the podcast. Keep it up. You're amazing. At Toasty259.
Thank you, Toasty359. What the? That was hate mail! She did say she looks like the Wendy's girl. No. That was so backhanded. Even though she looks like the Wendy's girl. I have open yours, Mav. Give me that thing. Gosh, Mav. What could Mav have possibly gotten? Oh, here we go. Here, I'll take it. Oh, no. There's more in that envelope. Oh, give me the envelope. It's not cute. Oh, there is more. Oh, gosh. Okay. So, whoever drew this...
Why did you pick this photo? Like, what? Honestly, you're a good artist, but why this photo? Wait, wait, hold on. Why did you do that? That's pretty good. Why'd you do this to me? I want to see the real one. I kind of want to crumble this up, okay? Because I feel like you're crazy. That low-key looks like I am. I'm not doing it. Put your mic down a little.
Is that it? Put your mic down a little so we can see it. Now do it. See what? Your face. Do the face. Hold on, let me see it again. You gotta cross your eyes too. Oh! Okay. Terrifying. And I just kept running. Honestly, you give me the ick. Wait, is that all that says? No, no. Honestly, you give me the ick every time you sing. Like, bro, what are you trying to impress? Shut up. And also, how...
Have a better... What does that say? Older. To Harper, then how... How are you better older to Harper than you are to your own brother? How are you a better older... Older brother, I think you meant. Older brother to Harper than you are to your own brother. Yeah, what the heck, dude? You're always beefing for no reason...
P.S. Hurry up and hit a million followers and marry Kinsey. It didn't say that, but yes. Yes, it does. Add love, drama, 2-2-2. If we hit a million followers, we will be getting married on TikTok. So you gotta follow us. Yeah. Kinsey, move your mic to you. It's like a mile away. First, I have a lot of opinions about this letter. Okay. First one, I was very uncalled for and very rude. You give me the ick? Because of that. Harper, you still got that lighter?
Oh no. Yeah. No, burn the actual printed picture. Keep the art. No, no, no, no. No, keep the art, Maverick. The art is good. I want to hit them where it hurts. They said my voice gives them the it. Can you sing while you light it on fire? Hallelujah. Into the mic. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
♪ It goes like this ♪ ♪ I'll burn your pick ♪ ♪ I don't care ♪ ♪ I think it's ♪ What? ♪ Sick ♪ Okay, okay. Oh, okay, okay. Oh, oh, oh. - Oh my God. - Wait, you were killing that song for a second. ♪ I'll burn your pick ♪
I don't care, it looks pretty thick. Yeah, don't really care about your letter. Send another one. Go for it. Kenzie, here's yours. It's very rude. Oh, that smells. It does smell. Don't worry, I'll fault you. I'll fault you.
Bro oh my goodness. I think you guys might get a hair that even over them talking now crazy insane that was real. Oh, no That was crazy
What's wrong with you? Oh, yeah. Open your letter, honey. Open your letter. Mine's kind of sweet. Oh, okay. Yours is sweet? It's supposed to be hate mail. It is. Was this the best hate mail we had for you? Come on. Well, first, you misspelled my name, but that's okay because you're very kind to me. How'd they spell it? I think they spelled it right on the envelope. How'd they spell it? They did spell it right on the envelope. Well, you were... Yeah, well...
That's okay. We forgive you. They spelled it K-I-N-Z-I-E. So close. Kindsy. Kindsy. Okay. You're so nice and sweet. Please stay forever. Everyone else is so annoying. Wait. Wait, wait. Hold on. So you're telling me. P.S. Follow our TikTok account. I think that's what they're talking about. Cash, please stop. Bro. Please chill them out. Also. Harper's laughing. She thinks that's funny. You like that? No, I don't think it's funny. I think what's funny is the way she ran. What?
Disgusting. No, what's funny is that it sounded like you squirted beans out of your butthole. That's what it felt like, too. You felt that? You should go to the bathroom. You should go change.
That's what I have to sleep next to every night. Please chill them out. Also, be good to Maverick or else. Wait, wait, wait. Continue the letter. Oh, wait. There's more? Yeah, start over. Sorry, I'm reading really slow. Okay, please chill them out. Also, be good to Maverick or else. Dot, dot, dot. At your mom. LOL. P.S. Follow our TikTok account. If Maverick and Kinsey, you need to hurry up and get to a million followers to get married. I feel like you made that up on the spot because you switched it up. What? That's what I said. Everybody follow them on TikTok. Also, don't
- Why are y'all's nice? - Oh, Link is in the bio, by the way. Link is in the bio. Just go hit a follow real quick. - Why was Harper's and Kenzie's hate mail not even hate? Like, that was just mail. - Yeah, mine was lies. - Can I open it up? - It was like average Blue's Clues checking the mail. - You just got a letter. - Open it, open it. - You just got a letter. - I just got a letter. - And it's 2K. - Oh. - I wonder if it's hate. - What? No! - Oh, no! - Read it. - No, that was from a dear fan. Read that. - A dear fan.
Kate, you're honestly so cringe every time you talk. I don't think that. I disagree. I wish Kyle would come back. He was better and funnier than you in every way. Go away! Before you go, tell Cash to please shut up. His voice is annoying. At yummy noodle, 421. Yummy noodle. Yummy noodle.
Did he put caps when you screamed or that was just your own flair? No, that was caps. Yummy noodle hit her where it hurts. You look oddly like Kyle. I'm not Kyle. How you doing? Hey, say Snoop Dogg. Hey, drop it to the floor. It's the double level, D-O-double-G. Steven, the best for last. This is going to be brutal. Here we go. Drop it to the floor. Drop it to the floor and rock.
We'll start off with the letter. It's a tiny letter. If you can open it. It's a very tiny letter. It's very small. I don't think it was meant to be. Cash, you dropped your lip. You dropped your lip? The wedding made it better. Oh, man. What did it say? Gucci gang 1178. Gucci gang. Gucci gang. Gucci gang. Gucci gang. Gucci gang.
You dropped your lip? That's crazy. You dropped it? Like it's on the floor or something? It's crazy. That one hit close to home. Bro, your lip shakes so much when you talk. You know what? You know what I think of that letter? Bro, stop.
What did you eat? I'll fart on that letter. Kate, I saw your face and you were like, I'm just accepting it honestly. She's accepted this life for a while. You know, that's what I sleep next to every night. That's incredible. Wait, wait. There's more. I have more. Have you guys seen that TikTok where like the sheets blow? Alright. That's cash. And...
Let me see it. Let me see it. Let me see it. There's no way. I don't like my hair. Dude, that's actually pretty bad. That man is totally not cool. Hey, I got a portrait too. Why does it look like a carpet? Look what it says. I'm Cash. I don't know how to spell. Hey, I'm Cash. I don't know how to spell. Look at this. It looks like when you're on the fish on Spongebob. Yes. Look at this. Oh my goodness. Like the fish hooks. Look at how big the lips are.
Bro's lips are massive. They made my lips huge. God, freaking the Kardashians. Why does it look like Chicken Little mixed with Cartman, bro? That's crazy. That's crazy. All right. Next one is to the LOL. Wait. No, we're saving Gerald's for last because I think that one's going to actually be a nice one. So to the LOL podcast. Open it. Let's see what we have. Okay. Oh, okay.
A Feastable. We shouldn't eat that. I wouldn't eat that. Don't eat that. It's a trap. Let's see what the letter says. This one's typed out. Is that it? Okay, that's it. You guys are honestly so annoying. You stay wild, Mr. Beast wannabes. Get off YouTube and TikTok every time...
Wait. You stay wild, Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast wannabes. Get off YouTube and TikTok. Every time I see you, I die inside. Touch some grass and do something good for the world instead of talking about aches and crap for an hour. Touch some grass? The only cool person is Gerald, and he's not even real. He's not even a real person. I hope you lose all of your sponsors and ad deals. That's crazy. All of our sponsors? I would never wish that on somebody. I hope we have a sponsor ad right now. Hey, just for you,
We have a promo code for better help. That's probably the meanest thing somebody says so far. You should see my comments on the daily. And you go broke, so you have to get a real job. So dumb and annoying. I hope you see this too and cry about it. Bunch of losers. Why did they send us candy? I don't know. Can I see it? I want to eat it, though. It doesn't look opened. It's tampered with.
It feels tampered with, Vokito. Hey, whoever you are, wherever you are, know that we love you and we wish the best for you. And we're keeping our sponsors. I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying that your house burns down. I'm kidding. Let's not pray that. I'm kidding. It's a joke.
Seriously, I wish the best for you, and I hope you stop hating us so much, but please keep watching our content. Yeah, keep it coming. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. That is definitely melted. Don't send chocolate in the mail, little kids. That's not good. And don't eat chocolate you get from the mail. That's not safe either. Oh, that chocolate does not look... How did you open this? That looks like they sent that with FedEx, not UPS. Ew.
That's definitely FedEx shipping. FedEx is a sponsor. Just chill. Cut to the FedEx ad. There's actual hair on it. Wait, wait, wait. Hold up.
Cass stop. Sorry, I'm very gassy right now. Did you fart on this bar? It looks like I did, but I didn't. Okay, there's one more hate letter. Actually, I'm going to try it. Harper, there's hair on it. I don't know if y'all can see this in the camera, but there's literally hair on it. Why did you do that? I'm hungry. Does it taste good? I actually don't think you should be eating the chocolate from the mail. It actually tastes really bad. Oh, there is hair on it. Ew, look.
There's hair right on it! What in the... Harper, that was so... not a good idea. So, I don't think Harper should eat that. And I feel he has drugs in him that I shouldn't be eating. He doesn't? Like, like Advil? Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay, next one to Gerald. This better not be an actual hate. Alright, here we go. Oh gosh. Um... What is... Hold on. We have... We have your brother, Harold. Huh?
Wait, so what's the letter? That was a creepy letter. That was a creepy letter. So let me see that. Harper, grab the letter. I want to see it. I didn't know Gerald had a brother. We have your brother, Harold. Show them. Yo. Why is it spelt like that? What, Cash? Oh, no. Well, they don't have him. We have him in pieces. Oh, Cash. It's okay.
It's okay. Harold? It's not Gerald. That's all that matters. Do we even know Harold? What the? Well, Harold seems to be right there. They killed him! Well, honey, it wasn't alive in the first place. They literally killed him! Well, he wasn't alive in the first place. He was a stuffed animal. Look away! Oh. Oh, he's a pig.
You need to take Gerald back to the doctor. Those stitches are falling apart. Oh, no. Why? This is why they went extinct. Nobody cares. Here, let's see if we can fix them. Try to stuff them again. Okay. Kate, you really took one for the team. I'm okay. I'm just fine. I'm just fine. I got all my stuffing inside.
Oh no. Hey Gerald, your brother's here. Your brother's here. Hi Gerald. You don't look so good, Gerald. Okay, I'm very uncomfortable. You don't look too good either, Harold. I don't want to. Kate, please. Oh wait, they're brothers. They're brothers. No way. Gerald's brains are all over the floor. Kate.
No. Kate, you really took one for the team marrying the weird kid. Yeah, for real. No, stop, stop, stop. Just stop, just stop. You can put his brain back in. This isn't Build-A-Bear. Please just stop. Maybe we can take him to Build-A-Bear. They can fix him. Dude, this is like... People only do this because they know I care and I have feelings about things.
It's okay. That was crazy someone sent that in the mail. For real. Yo, that person actually did. Okay. You'll be fine. Whoever that person is, I like you. And that was funny. That was creative. And that was funny.
What do they say about little kids who kill animals? Like they grow up to be, like that's the first step. They grow up. It was a stuffed animal. Serial killers. That's the first step. Okay. I'll be honest. I sent that in the mail. Okay. Did you actually? Uh, no. That's. I'm sorry. I wouldn't send that in the mail. There's not many of them left.
How do you know that? They were almost sold out at Walmart. Okay, well, how do you know that they were sold out at Walmart if Gerald magically came to your house? Well, he did, but all his siblings are still up for sale. Yeah, that's creepy. What? Guys, I am so sore from PC. From PC? PC stands for what? Personal computer. No, no, no. What? Performance course. Performance course, which is like a workout. Like Ninja Warrior type thing? No. You're a Ninja Warrior? No.
Let's see some do flip do some stuff now do like a ninja warrior thing. What was that noise? That was that was crazy. Yo, it's all reminded me of Harold RIP Wait, can I see that gun? No, no, please do not give her that it's an Orbeez gun just for clarification Give it to me. Give it to me throw here. They're here. Yeah. Did we get these did we get more in the mail? Oh Here we go
Y'all ever seen an Orbeez gun? Wait, don't shoot it in here, guys. These guys were at a mall. They were shooting me with an Orbeez gun. I was trying to act all cool. I'm so scared. Please point it away. Wait, how do you know when it's on? I was trying to act like I was so... I'm actually so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please do not be mad, you guys. Please, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, no, I can't risk it. No one can have it. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God.
I saw that hit map right in the face. That hurt. I'm okay. You didn't hit my eye. Oh my gosh, that hit map right here. Shattered! Okay, give me the gun. No, unfortunately, I cannot hit anyone this time. I'm actually so sorry. I actually was just trying to test it. I'm laughing, but I'm just like flustered. I'm scared. I'm scared of water! Get down!
- Orby! - No. - I'll shoot you. - Y'all don't understand, one time at the shops. - Cash, I'll give you $100 to shoot her. - Please, please, please. - Going once, going twice. - I hit her, I hit her. - No, one time I was hanging out with my friends. - Hey, give me the camera angle! - Are you okay? - He's like the Wild West out here. A little gunslinger.
Yeah. Alright Kate, I won't shoot you, I won't shoot you, I won't shoot you. But anyways, let me finish my story. I was hanging out with my guy friends and they- Please stop, Cash. Please stop. I shot myself! What? Wait, Kate, Kate, come on. No, no, no, no, give it to me, give it to me. You're gonna break it, you're gonna break it, you're gonna break it! Oh, you broke it! Yeah, you freaking broke it! Guys, our ring was going crazy. I was like, what is going on with- like, who is at our front door? Kenzie's dog got out. She's-
You broke it. Oh Stella could totally jump the fence that dog jumps like 30 feet. Dude is my face red right here? Now I got Orbeez on my chair. There's Orbeez on my chair. I don't want to clean that up. This is straight chaos right now. Yeah for real. I'm not cleaning it. Don't say sorry to me say sorry to whoever has to clean this because I am getting dinner after this. Yeah I'm getting dinner too. I can't wait for dinner though. Dinner's gonna smack. Harper you ever had an Orbeez gun?
I'd give that to Harper for sure. There's no ammo in it. You can pick some. You can grab some. Kate, no. Kate, sit down. It's just water, right? Guys, we're on a podcast here. Hey. What is happening? Okay, guys. This whole episode is so chaotic. Yo. What is happening right now? That dog is not an inside dog. Look at that thing.
If you guys are just listening to our podcast, you need to click and go watch the video right now because so much has happened. You're probably extremely confused. Okay, you got me back. I never even hit you, by the way. Hey, Harper, you want to sit down? I don't know. You can go put her in her kennel if you need to. She headbutted you. She headbutted me. There's a puppy in her kennel. Go put the puppy somewhere else. Okay, everybody sit down.
Or bring the puppy up here cuz it's a lot more calm. Alright. Oh those are Orbeez. This is getting a little out of hand. I don't know if she can eat those. I don't know if she can eat those. Let's just bring this all back. Wait the dogs eating Orbeez bro? What a stupid dog. Don't let her eat those. Those are actually really bad. Why would you eat Orbeez dude? You're gonna kill yourself. Okay. She's like yum tasty. I think everyone's calm.
Yo, so what do you guys think? More doors or more wheels in the world? Dude, I think my face hurts from those Orbeez. Like, it stings. I'm sorry. I think we need to just take a break. Should we just restart? Should this episode just get trashed? This is crazy. No!
- How long does she go home? - She's like, "I have to go home." - She's like, "I gotta go home." - I'm starving. - We are not reshooting an episode. It has definitely been her time. - What time is it? - It's like 7:30. - It's pretty late. - Yeah, it's pretty late. All right guys, so. - It's too late, I don't wanna lose. - Yeah, she can't. - She'll be fine. - It's very dangerous for dogs. - It's like very dangerous. - Is it? - What are you saying? - Okay, I got this. - Why? - I got her. I got her. - I think we're good. Okay, so I have a question.
Yes, ma'am. How long have you two been married? Two years. You've been here the whole time. Wow. That's impressive. Why? Oh, that is impressive, isn't it? Yeah. She's looking at you like that's impressive someone would stay with you that long.
What are you doing? Those are the faces he wakes when he wakes up in the morning. He makes those faces in the morning when he wakes up? I told y'all. When he's dead asleep. A boy's brain doesn't fully develop until they're 26 years old, right? That explains a lot. I was actually reading a comment section. This girl posted a TikTok and she was like, my life genuinely got so much better when my boyfriend's frontal lobe randomly developed one day. And all of the comments were like, literally were like, right when my boyfriend turned 25 or when my husband turned 25, he was a completely different person. So I was like, are you going to be different?
No. I'm not intending for any changes, personally. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, no changes are in the books for me. Wait, let me check. Nope. Nope.
Okay. No changes in the books. When do girls' brains develop? 21. They're like... 21? What is it? Is it 21? Okay, so y'all are just as stupid as us right now. They're actually stupider. They stop at 21. We keep growing. Yeah. Y'all cap at 21. And instead of capping, we just keep going. Our brain just gets even bigger. That is so true. They're like, guys develop later. No, guys develop more. More. Yeah. You guys stopped at 21. Think about it. Who said we're slower? We have an extra four years of experience developing. Think about it.
We get more development. Exhibit A and Exhibit B to prove that wrong. What? What y'all just said was incorrect. What do you mean? I agree. You think that y'all are ever going to be more mature than Kate and I? I think I'll actually have four years of more growing experience. No, I think y'all are taking this. I think y'all are taking slower to get to your ending point. And I think y'all's ending point is not equal to ours. Our ending points are different. Exactly. Our ending points are different. So obviously it's going to take me longer to get higher.
Hierarchy, you ever heard of it? Hierarchy? Yeah, it's for men. I know that. I don't really know too much about the hierarchy. All I know is Taylor Swift does not like it. Patriarchy. She doesn't like the patriarchy. What's hierarchy? It's more like, it's kind of like patriarchy, but not really. It's just like where you are in the lineup. Wait. Hierarchy could be anyone above anyone. Patriarchy is a male-led group.
Male-led group. I'm generally a male that family I believe The patriarchy is like men run things Oh because they're put there by matriarchy that
I ain't never heard of matriarchy. I haven't even heard of the matriarchy. I think they all went extinct. I don't think any made it. There was some, but I don't think they... You can't say that, Matt. The patriarchy ones took them over. You can't say that. What? Seriously, we need to stop canceling this off. What do you mean? James simply says, the patriarchy. What? What?
The patriarchy. She literally does. We're forgetting the key word. What if I was like, even the patriarchy. What if I was like, forget the matriarchy. No, no, what would y'all do if I just said a bunch of cuss words right now? Like stupid? No, no, like actually like what would y'all do? We would probably bleep it so that people wouldn't hear these. I would get a viral TikTok. That's what I would do.
And then I go tell your mom. You'd be grounded. No, my mom likes when I cuss. Oh, yeah, I bet she does. Just like every mom does. Oh, yeah, I'm sure your mom does. Wait, did y'all's moms ever wash your mouth out with soap? My grandma does. It's fine. The dog can just be like, Did y'all's moms ever wash your mouth out? Yes. Really? Dawn dish soap is embedded in my brain. Really? What flavor was best? It wasn't good. The lemon. The lemon? Lemon seems like the worst flavor to get your mouth washed out with.
Wait, you said your grandma did? My grandma did. And my grandma never got on to me ever. Wait, your grandma washed your mouth out? Yeah. My grandma would never punish me. What? That's what I'm saying. My grandma never punished me ever. And then one day she was just like, open your mouth. What did you do? I opened my mouth because I thought she was joking. And she just squirted some paint soap in there. And I was like, oh, she's being brutal. This is crazy. Yo, grandma's doing it. Don't mess around though. I will say one time.
My parents were out of state or something, so my grandma was babysitting us. And my grandma came in there, or my granny, she was like, hey, get out of bed. It's time to wake up. Oh, no. And she left. And I was like...
I just went back to sleep. I wasn't going to pay attention to my granny. She's an old lady. I'm 10. I can do what I want. I went back to bed. Patriarchy. My granny opened my door. Actually, what she specifically said is, hey, get up or I'm going to pour a glass of water on you if you don't get up.
She closed the door. I said, I'm the patriarchy. She gave him 10 seconds. She had it outside the door ready. Yeah, literally. She closed the door. I was like, I'm the patriarchy, Granny. And I think Granny, she's the matriarchy. Let me tell you. She came in the matriarchy. How do you spell it? Granny is not whatever you're trying to say. No, she's a matriarchy. She's that girl. She's a boss woman. Yeah, she is. She came in there with a glass of water like 15 seconds later and just poured it all over my bed. Made it look like I wet the bed.
Oh, that's what happened. I also wanted to wet the bed. She also made it look like it. She made it look worse. Stop looking at your skin. Yeah. I can't help it. I don't know why, but grandparents, they have some. My grandma only got mad at me one time. Really? What'd you do? I don't remember, but I remember what she did. She was like, S-T-O-P, stop it. And that was it. That's...
That's it? She spout out the word stop? You know what happened to me? My mom used to hit me with wooden spoons. Nope, she don't. Don't think your mom did that. Probably. I got hit with wooden spoons. Look at what mom's saying. She did. Yeah. She said, yeah. I believe it. My mom hit me with wooden spoons like on my butt. Like she would slap me with wooden spoons if I wasn't like behaving. And I mean,
And I mean, I kind of deserved it because one time she slapped me and I said, that didn't hurt. She slapped you? That's the worst thing to say when you get hit. She spanked you. When your parents spank you and you said, that didn't even hurt? You have to act like it hurts. You gotta play that card like, oh please, it hurts so bad, don't do it again ever, I learned my lesson. And then she smacked my butt and my back as hard as possible and I was like, ah.
I know, my dad... But you're faking it, huh? No. I think you're dramatizing it. My dad got a big wooden paddle, and he spray-painted it gold, and he literally called it the Golden Standard. And then when we were in trouble, he's like, you're gonna get spanked by the Golden Standard. And he wrote Bible verses on us. I think he wrote rules on it. No, Bible verses. Was it? Was it rules? I think he wrote the rules on it. Either way, we were getting spanked with it. It was like, do what I say. Do what I say. You know what's the one thing that didn't annoy me about parents...
When you ask something and you're like, why do I gotta do that? Oh, the why question is crazy. And they say, because I said so. No, no. Just because. What are those parenting rules? Will you just hold her? This dog is psychotic, you guys. She's been outside all day and doesn't know how to act. Just put her back outside. Well, do you guys remember last time she was running around the camera wires? Yeah. She concussed a cameraman.
Guys. What were we saying? What are y'all's parenting rules? Parenting rules? My parenting rules are going to be do what I said because. No, I don't feel like. Yeah, sit and lay down. It's good ones. My parenting rules are going to be let's just go shopping and talk it out. What? Sounds like a great rule. My parents.
Maybe it's their boys and you want to punish them. I'm actually going to ask. My mom is like, hey, you got to go shopping. I'm like, no. Not JCPenney, please. Not JCPenney. She's trying to eat the stuffing. Oh, she went for Harold. She's eating Gerald. Yeah, you go outside, bad dog. You bad dog. Just go put her in her crate. Well, the puppy's in the crate. Well, you trade it for the puppy because trust me, I'd rather hold the puppy right now. No, please. We're good.
No, the dog's not sad. How about that, guys? Because they'd be eating pigs. I'm so sorry. Actually, I'm sorry. It's fine. It's okay. No, it's not okay. I just want to know how she got out. Yeah, dude, imagine actually dropping your dog off at the pound. The way that thing would look at you when you leave. That'd be so sad. That'd be so sad. You're saying that's sad? Y'all don't like dogs. What? I love dogs. I'm just a hard believer that a dog, believe it or not, is a dog.
And so many people can't understand that concept. That a dog, you can call a dog a dog and people get offended. They're like, no, it's more than a dog. It's actually a dog. It's a dog though. On our second date, I get in the car and I shut the door or Maverick shuts the door and he gets in the car and he shuts the door. The first thing he says is, so what are we going to do about this dog? What are you, we're not officially anything. Okay. We're just going on a second date.
And I was like, what do you mean? What are we going to do about this dog? He's like, well, where is it going to go? I was like, it's going to go with me. Where I go. What do you mean? Yeah, wherever I go, my dog goes. Y'all don't understand that, like, dog is, like, if you have a dog, it's your family. I'm just kidding. My dog is going crazy. I think I should handle the dog because I can handle the dog. I can handle the dog. I want to see something. Watch this. No, Cash, no. Let's see, Cash. Be kind. Be kind. Stop. Stop.
Cash is handling the dog apparently. I don't know if the gate is closed because she got out. Cash is handling the dog. He's going to handle her and let her go to the streets. I wish there was a camera watching all this. No, there's not. Oh, it's... Oh, shoot. Oh, shoot. Oh, shoot.
It's not playtime. What kind of psycho talk do you have? Alright, guys. My mic is gone. Yeah, this needed the episode because that thing is out of control. We'll see you next time on Dawn the Funniest Podcast on Earth. Peace out, bro.