5 Ways to Take Your Power Back When People Disrespect You
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Hey, it's your friend mill. And today on the male rob's podcast, we're going to talk about the other people in your life, the ones that are kind of annoying you and what to do about IT. Alright, you guys, I don't know what is in there, but you have been flooding no Robin's 点 com and all of the dms with questions about people in your life that will not change and it's starting to bug you。 And IT doesn't matter what you do.

You have tried to push people, inspire people, lead by example. You have given pep talks. You have resorted to driving people. If you would pick up around the house a little bit more, i'll buy you that new lucco stic.

I think we've all been in that situation where you see potential in somebody that you love, you want them to fulfill upon that potential and they don't do anything about IT. And yeah, you've been dropping hints. You support, you push.

You have tried in every single way to get that person to fully the potential you see in them or at least to get them to see in themselves. And nothing happens that breaks your heart. And as hard as you try that, i'll do anything. And yet you can't stop yourself from trying to push them. Or there are those situations where you're starting to feel like you're being used because you do everything around the house or everything around the office and everybody else seems to have a pretty easy while you're busy doing all the dishes and all the grocery shopping or finishing up all the year in reports. Why is this always fall to you and you've dropped hence and you've tried to push people to do different and you have even given your automatic s nothing changes that we're talking about today.

What do you do when either you can get somebody you love to change and they're wasting their life, wasting throwing their potential out the window? And what do you do if you're starting to feel used that it's all on your shoulders, that everybody lives on easy street, but you because you pay the bills and you do all the hard stuff and IT always drops in your lap? Well, that is exactly what we're going to talk about today.

How do I identify when this is happening and more importantly, what to do about IT? And you're onna, hear from two listeners who are struggling with people in their life who they love, but who they are ready to just, uh they just are just so sick of IT you know they they're so sick of that they're calling me. And by the way, for those of you who have never met me, a male robbins on a new york times best selling author in one of the world's adding experts on habits, motivation and change, and you have pulled into a fantastic and nodal edition of the melt Robin's podcast, because today we're kicking this topic off with a question from a listener name, Crystal, who has got some issues with her siblings.

黑 mail is Crystal， and I have a big question, how to know if you're being used? I have two adult siblings that i've always lived with me. One has been unemployed for more than three years. Last week, my working sibling was placed on pip.

I've always been the big bread winner, and they and my mom, I lived in my home, my mom passed away four years ago, is becoming increasingly difficult to motivate them and or get them understand the way of responsibility is on me. I'm beginning to think they don't care and are enjoying the stress free lifestyle they become accustom to. Or they don't understand because they've never had this type of responsibility.

When are they going to grow up and be equal contributors or move out? This is really eating up band with in my head. I will add, we had a horrendous childhood, and largely why we all stay together, there are safety and numbers.

And we had to have a united front against a very abusive father and x husband. He abused us all well into adult hood. Thanks for any insight. Thanks for all you do.

Crystal. Thank you for that question, and thank you for the detail that you provided. In the end, I think that's really relevant to how you handle this and how you think about the situation that you're in.

I've got five takeaway that i'm in to share with you. The first one is this, there is a big difference between being used by somebody and being in a situation where somebody is used to the situation that makes sense. I'm going to unpacked this bx.

I think it's really, really important when you're being used. That's a situation where somebody is intentionally taking advantage of a situation to their benefit. They know they're doing IT for ample. If you're in a job and you're basically phoned in and you're only staying there because you want the money, but you're not actually doing what's expected of you. You are using your employer when you speak stuff from your roommate side of the refrigerator. You're using them when you intentionally do something like um invite yourself to somebody's house even though you don't like them but they have a great pool and it's a nice weekend. But you are not that great of a guest or you know gossip about you are using them.

Are you in a situation where you're being used because somebody y's leading you on, but deep down they just want sex and yet they're telling you that this is more but they just want sex, that's a situation where we are being used? Or are you in a situation like Crystal where the situations mean like this for a while and everybody's kind of use to you, but you're just sick of IT, so you now want to change IT. And so I think it's important for you, Crystal, to anchor there.

And as you are listening to me on pack all of these takeaway, I want you to apply this to your situation and the details crustal in your particular situation matter, because you guys are used to living together. You guys are used to being under the same roof. You said that you've been doing this for a long time, your mom used to live with you and that their safety in numbers.

And so I believe what's happened is that you are just tired of the situation the way that IT is. And that means that you are going to be the one that changes IT. Because if everybody else is used to IT, they are comfortable in IT.

They have no motivation or no interest in changing IT. Why would they? It's working for them. This was not working for you and that's okay.

So the second take away, you asked the question, what are my siblings going to grow up? When are they gonna alizon frustrated. When are they never? They're never gonna grow up.

why? Because they're comfortable. They're used to this. They're used to you being in charge.

You've always been in charge. You've always been the bread winner. You said as much. So they're not going to grow up. And that's okay, everybody, that's okay.

That means that you are gonna have to be the grown up and you're going to have to parent. And I am going to tell you exactly what to do when you're in a situation. We are trying to make the people around you level up and help you change the situation.

I also want to say for your, say, Crystal, and for anybody else that you know, that sounds like you guys are all so struggling with trauma. M, P, T, S, D. And so I know that that's also why you haven't shaken things up.

If all three of you experienced horrific abuse, which you just said that you did, then you also have the added issue of people maybe not having healed from that travel and maybe not being as proactive or as motivated or as self sufficient as they could be. There was another detail in what Crystal said. He said, pip, what does that mean? everybody? That means a performance improvement plan.

What that basically means is you're fucking up at work and your bosses have SAT you down and they have said your work is not satisfactory and we are going to put you on A P I P A performance improvement plan, which is very embarrassing. It's very confronting. I'm not making excuses for the sibling.

I'm just trying to explain the psychology here of why they're not growing up and why they've gotten very comfortable with very low standards. And you're now in this framework at work where your being measured and if you don't measure up, your ass is fired. But often times when people are set up with a pip, they feel so ashamed to embarrass that they just quietly quit.

They feel like the writings on the wall. They feel unmotivated in self conscious. Ninety percent of people, when they get put on a performance improvement plan, leaves a job. Wow, IT kind of make sense .

because you feel .

like you've been called out in your embarrassed. And so it's really important how you set up a performance improvement plan because if it's literally like you suck and you're going to get fired unless you do these things, who wants to say at that job? A performance improvement plan can be a really good thing because that means that they are providing a pathway for you to be able to excel, which means they believe that you can.

And so Crystal ironically, we're going to put your family, your siblings on a performance improvement plan, and we're going to set IT up the right way. And you're going to get everybody on the same page, clean, late, new energy. And you're going to do that by setting small, attainable goals so that everybody feels not only like they can be successful, but we're gonna feel a sense of pride as they start contributing to the family, household and new Crystal.

You're going to borrow a nineteen word sentence. This is something that's been studied at stanford. When you say to somebody, I have high expectations of this team, and I think you are capable of achieving them, which is why i'm going to put you on a performance improvement plan so that you know what's expected. And I believe you can achieve this. This is the path forward for success for you.

That is a way that makes you want to play the game because since it's your family, you can talk about your feelings, and you can talk about your need to feel support, and you can talk about these simple things that they can do that would make a huge difference in this arrangement and in realize and in your lives. So I can be like a really positive thing that you're gonna do. So take away so far, you're either being used because it's conscious and intentional or you're just in a situation where people are used to whats going on and they're not motivated to change IT like you are.

When will other people grow up and realize this? never. You ve got to be the adult in this situation if you want to change IT because it's your life, it's your happiness, by the way, it's also your house and it's your responsibility to lead the change that you want to see.

Always another takeaway that I want you to have is when you're around people that are not motivated to change their lives, you're probably dealing with what psychologists call learned helplessness ness. Now, learned helplessness ness was first coined in nineteen sixty five by a very famous psychologist after doing this really off. Full experiments with dogs.

I'm not going to explain the experiments, but basically what learned helplessness is is, is when you receive a series of setbacks or you are experiencing a lot of pain and you basically give up, you decide that there's nothing that you can do. IT is what IT is, and you just survive and try to cope through the pain in the situation. It's the difference between being a person who is pessimistic that you feel like nothing's ever gona change.

You're never going to be good enough. Why even bother? Boss never likes my work worker, I never do well at work or my sister's takes care of things, and i'm never gonna amount up to anything verses having an optimistic point of view and optimism.

Realistic optimism is just a belief that through your own actions and through your own attitude, you can make a positive dent in any situation, that your effort is always worth IT. The trying is always worth IT that growth is available to you. And so I say this because when you are surrounded by people that have this sense that nothing they do matters IT just creates complacency and fear.

And there's one thing that makes a difference when you're in the situation and Christal, I think that's the situation that you're in. You guys have passed trauma. The situation has always been that you'll always take care of everything.

Now you've got one of your siblings who's on a performance plans to their feeling kind of kicked down to the ground. And I would imagine there is this sense of pessimism. There is this sense of i'm just used to life not being easy, and that's where you can come in.

And this is the fourth take away ready. They need goals. They need goals set by you, goals for how they are supposed to show up.

You see they don't know the path forward. They don't know how it's supposed to look. You do because you want the situation to be different. And so it's on you to set water called smart goals.

For those of you have not heard about smart goals, we will link to the article that was written in one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, where three researchers came up with the idea of smart goals in the context of leadership and business. But smart goals is a very simple and effective way to think about setting goals for yourself or other people. Smart stands for specific, memorable, achievable, realistic and timely.

And so here's how this is going to work with your siblings. I want you to think about how the situation could be different, put on an optimistic hat. And now we're going to paint a picture of what I would look like in the day to day living situation so that you feel supported because it's not just about the money.

Are they doing anything around the house? Are they cooking? Are they Carrying for the yard? What IT snows do they travel? Are they taking the trash out on monday? Is are they making their beds in the morning? Like what is that? That would make you feel as though the dynamic is shifted, that everybody's leveled up in their own achievable way and those actions make you feel a shift OK.

So let's go back to smart specific where specific als you could set. And those goals might look like you need to make your bed every morning. Those goals might look like i'm gonna make a grocery list in every tuesday someone says gonna to the grocery store.

I'm gna create a schedule for who's cooking and who's doing dishes. And since you guys are contributing financially, that's what you're going to do. I know i'm being very kind of like annoying ly detailed here and maybe in a really condescending way.

I don't mean to be i'm trying to say that because people don't know what you want, which is what you should assume, and you're the one who wants the situation to be different. You have to get Crystal clear, black and White, granular, meaning specific. I got ta be able to measure IT.

It's gotta be broken down so that your siblings can achieve IT. It's got ta be realistic and it's gotto be timely. Meaning do IT on a tuesday. Do IT on a wednesday every weekend. I expect this because that is how you lay a path forward for somebody who is in a whole to be successful. And any of you listening, who have adult kids coming back to live with you in your home, or if you have an x who lives with you or a friend, if you're in a situation where you feel like you're the one that's being used and you're the one that's paying the bills and everybody's is got a free ride, I want you to use the same plan to help get those people in your life back on their feet and help you detach from being their crush.

So the final piece, the fifth take away, is this, when you see your siblings doing those actions, when you see them checking the boxes, when you see them making their bed, when you see them spending an hour every day looking for a job, or you see them checking in with you for ten minutes every night about how work went today, when you see those actions happening, you got a cheer for them. Because what you're trying to do is you're trying to create an environment where somebody knows that you believe in them, they know what your expectations are, they know they defined achieve what steps they can take in order to make you happy. And then when they do those things, you've tt a cheer for them.

You've got to say, thank you. You've gotta say, I appreciate you, this is so important because you're not dealing with a situation Christal where you're getting used. Your in a situation where you're trying to level up your siblings and you're trying to do IT when there's issues like generational trauma and hopelessness and patterns in place in a dynamic between all of you, which means you got ta get super intentional about what the new game looks like.

You ve got to define IT. And then like an awesome coach always does, you got ta cheer for your players as they are in that game. That's how you do this um and I know you can do IT because I can just tell based on your voice that you are somebody who is a very matter of fact, professional success, awesome person which is why this is frustrating because we all think that everybody thinks like us.

We all think that all those things that you think are obvious. Why do you put your stuff on the floor? Why don't you just let the dog out? We think it's obvious. It's not obviously everybody, but you can make IT obvious and you can make IT a game worth playing.

And don't forget, you get to talk about your feelings, guys, I love you, but I feel frustrated and i'm starting to feel little used and i'm starting to feel very sad because I see you guys just coasting in life and I believe that there's something more for you. And so here's my request, if you're going to continue to live with me and I want you to I need you to show up differently. And here is what I need from you, and I know you can achieve this, I would make a huge difference for me.

And if you don't think you can do that, then maybe it's come to the point where we can live together. But I need this support from you guys. And you might be surprised at how they show up if you frame IT in the support that you need from them.

I would I feel really good to know that I could actually do something that my sister would appreciate and feel supported by instead of feeling like the one that's not successful. So that's another way to look at IT. But gosh, I really appreciate your question.

So thank you. Are right. So that's question number one. But don't you dare go anywhere because coming up, i'm going to be coaching a listener of this podcast.

Life for me is brook and work's boyfriend has not worked for two years and she's feeling used and SHE has no idea how to bring this up with him. He wants them to get a job. He wants things to change, but he's scared. Is gona leave. We got all that coming up next.

Welcome back. I melt. Robins today were talking about what you do when you are feeling used and how you can inspire people around you to level up the game of life without turning fix them.

I can't wait to jump in with this next listener. Her name is brook, and he wrote to me because her boyfriend has IT worked in two years and honestly, SHE tired of IT. So let's keep rook online. Brock, hi.

It's so nice to me. Gosh is great.

It's great to meet you. Thank you for being here.

So you.

of course, so tell me you, you're so cute. I love your glasses all.

Thank you. I like .

your still and the photos behind you are so cool.

I'll thank you that that of my best friend, he just used away little over year ago.

Oh.

that sucks. I know no does.

yeah. So what's gone on? Brook.

how can I help you? So I just love your voice room. I have a boyfriend to my love lot for many reasons, but he hasn't worked in them as two years.

He loves with me and isn't contributing financially. And he hasn't see a problem with IT. When I bring up getting a job, he gets defensive and often leads to not only a conversation that ends up not being productive, but he becomes more than that.

He doesn't have a close relationship with his friends and family. I am his post person in his life, and I have learned that this makes IT really difficult to persuade him or encourage him. I want to be supportive and allowed him to have as a process of change.

But it's frustrating because i'm paying for everything. I also feel like I can't fully trust him and he's turning away from me. I'm not sure if he's using me or he's going to become when I feel he's capable becoming which is a great aversion of himself and find a job and be Better.

The relationship feels toxic, but also feels you know, unique. So that was great. And now I want you to just talk .

to me and tell me what's going on like a great.

well, actually great. Now i've been finding that, you know, besides the work situation, our relationship has not felt as toxic. We have been fight in getting along.

I just don't bring you up. I don't bring up him not working as much because IT does lead to traction. I can immediately see his uncomfortably in IT and he just kind of shut down.

He gets defensive. So I ki leave alone, but I I can't keep leaving IT alone. And I really feel it's an appropriate at that. This is what's going on.

Does he know you're talking to me?

He does. I made with house. So a good was going.

And how did he feel about you talking to me?

good. He's the support of I didn't go to detail about what I was about you know I went to your cast channel, can listen to you too or I speak IT on when like i'm driving a car. I just really want to store just talking about this similar ei c with you know listening to your podcast, I feel like I am realizing things that I need to change and i'm doing IT.

But no one else around me and everyday lives is doing the same things. So on time patient like using different tools and is shows law and say, well, it's it's so hard to you know you wanted just like get them to understand that and still the same way and change. But you know that's not .

always well, I want to get in fact, so how long as you bend with your boyfriend?

Just three years.

okay. And for how long has he been unemployed?

It's going on two years now. I the january of last year that he officially stopped working completely. And when he was working and he kind of wasn't.

Doing that great. He was going there late and his boss was getting frustrated with him. And then I think his boss actually end up letting him dot and he just hasn't been motivated to do what he think since.

Um he wa incarcerate tive for a in years as well and I don't know what's just like and he does say a lot of times that he believes that that could have something to do with where he's at his life and he gets very frustrated with that. I'm sure I don't know how to help them in that way at all. I I don't I wanna be important, but I also need support to yes.

yes, you do. You deserve support. And i'm glad you reached out for help. And there's a couple things that I want to say right off the bat because i'm going to ask a few more details OK.

It's important for you to know that in the beginning of my career, I worked for legal aid and I was a criminal defense attorney. And so I represented people like your boyfriend who were either accused of, convicted of crimes. And I believe that once somebody has served their sentence, we need to do a much Better job as a society and recitation and empowering and and welcoming people back into society.

So glad that you shared with me that he did spend eight years incarcerated because there is no question that the reentry into life outside of the jail system is very jarring, traumatic, isolating. And one of the things that I know, a lot of people that I represented really struggled with is not only the rejection and the scrutiny that you face when you get out. And in some states, the laws that make IT very, very difficult for you to truly find meaningful work is that the structure of being incarcerated is completely removed.

And even though IT is horrendous to experience any time behind bars, there is this kind of certainty that you come to rely on in terms of the day to day schedule. And so for somebody like your boyfriend to get fired and lose that data structure, IT does not surprise me at all that he has spilled mentally, that he is not um got any motivation and that this has been a very chAllenging situation for you to watch as well. And so i'm saying that because I want you to know that I bringing a level of not first and experience but having either represented or cancelled or kind of coached people that are in this exact situation. This is more complex than, say, Christopher robbin's, my husband losing his job because of the added shame that you feel, the added discrimination that he's probably experiencing when he goes in to try to find a job and um was he in jail for violent crime or was IT more of that sort of White color as they say, crime of financial fraud stuff?

Well I was I was pretty um I guess you could say violent it's IT was armed property. He was a Young kid and he you know he was with a caption ah and he is right and he and he was a shame because he was Young. You know, I do you understand that he is not that person anymore and he has lost a lot of time what he often tells me.

And before I started, you know, working on myself, I used to get very defensive. And I I just, you know something with my words and you, because he really feels like he is owed something. 嗯， he feels that he doesn't even know what he wants to do, who he is, that he just got him to skip boarding, you know? And at first I was like, you're not a child, you know, I mean, you need to work.

This is real life is people have respons ibi, ie. S and, you know, my dad would get involved to and really kind. I felt like I was boiling, in a sense, now that I have some different perspective, and I do want the supporters and I don't want to people love him and I don't want to discern him or more than he already is, I really feel that he is he is so much potential.

He's so smart. He's flowing in sign language because his mother's death, um he is like can figure out how to do anything you know he is very capable and he presents himself very well. He's just not applied. He's just not calling out there. I don't see a changing anytime soon, and it's start to freak me out.

IT should breake you out because two years is a very long time. Two years is plenty of time to let somebody cost. And I agree with you, IT is time for the dynami C2Change and wha t you 're rea lly ask ing. And this is what's universal in your question.

And one of the reasons why I really wanted to talk to you is that we all have the experience in life of seeing the potential in somebody that we care deeply about and doing whatever we can to support, to push the control, like whatever we can to try to get that person that we care about, to see their potential to. And the truth is that at some point, if the person stays stuck and you start to feel, as you said, you do, am I getting used? What is going on here? sometimes? Ms, got a change.

You have to change the way you're showing up. He's gonna have to do the work to tap into his own potential. We've got to disrupt the dynamic between the two of you and a healthy way, so that your kindness and your generosity and your patients is not enabling him to stay stuck where he is.

And I believe in this deeply for a number of reasons. Number one, um I do think when somebody y's really struggling, they need your compassion, they need your support, they need all of that. But if you start to share how IT makes you feel to watch them struggle, and you start to offer up things that they could do, and he is actively not doing those things, then what's happening is you're now, after two years, standing by watching somebody slowly self destruct.

And so this is a really common thing that we all face. And when you get to the point where you are, where you're sort of like at the end of europe, you care about this person. You feel guilty about being tough with them. They get defensive when you are, you have to change your strategy. And I relate to this brook deeply because I remember when um Chris left the restaurant business, uh he was a shell of themselves complete problem with alcohol um and just devastated because he had not provided he felt had failed in his career and I looked at him and I was like, no one you got to get sober and number two, you got to talk to a therion those are non negotiable.

Yeah i'm sorry I don't cut you off at all, but I really feel like chinese to see a for several different reasons clearly and I don't see him being to recept him of that too. There was a time when you talked a little bit about IT, but I just he's she's very close minded right now and i'm sorry and I need to turn that into a good action with what you are saying, but I didn't want to that in there. That's very important.

Yeah IT is very important. And this is where your strategy can change. You're ready.

Yeah, 210。

You've paid all .

the bills for how long? For two years? I mean, wit, okay, trading too much.

but you've been paying the build for two years. How does IT make you feel to have all that responsibility on your shoulders?

On one way makes me feel good, because I am getting and accomplish, but I feel like he's like taken to the I can see .

why you feel that way broke, and I want you to hold that thought because I have a lot more that I want to say, but I gotto take a quick pause real quick. And we need to hear more from our sponsors, and we'll be right back with brook. I'm not going to talk more about the strategy SHE needs to use, what SHE needs say exactly to her boyfriend and how they can help her boyfriend and herself get into a Better place stay with us.

Welcome back. I melt robbins, and i'm here with brook, and let's just get right back into a brook. So one of the things that I want you to change is you need to have a conversation with them and you need to say, I can't do the work for you.

But IT is breaking my heart to watch you struggle, and in my opinion, not see you taking the proactive steps to changes. And so I have no boundaries that I need to express for myself. And that is, if this relationships going to work.

you must .

go to therapy once a week for three months. Because I believe that the reason why you are not flourishing is because you have P, T, S, D. From being incarcerated or you are struggling with depression.

And if I don't see you take the proactive steps of going to counseling for the next three months once a week, then this is not gonna work and you're gonna to move out. I will pay for IT, but you have to be willing to meet me halfway because I can't stand by and watch somebody I love self destructing. And i've given you two years to try to figure this out on your own.

And what your behavior has communicated to me is that you're not capable of doing the sign your own, and that's OK. You need a latter to help you climb out of this whole. So i'm going to tell you what that latter is.

And I personally agree with you. I think IT is therapy, but I don't want to a shot that down your throat book. So what is one behavior change that you could say to him I can't make you do IT I am not gona force you to do IT.

I'm not onna gut you into doing IT. I'm just going express a very clear boundary. We are not going to be together if you don't do .

this thing I don't .

really know. I guess I would like to see him, you know, seeking at least one thing that will be the start of helping me. And i'm not sure what that first step would be, whether is to seek some you.

But you do know, I think you .

do know.

Tell me what is IT see? Because here's the thing we all make the mistake of being like I want you to start working toward IT. That's not specific. You actually have to create a structured thing that he needs to check the box on because while he won't do IT for himself, the relationship is important to him so he will do IT for you because you have expressed this boundary.

I know that's true or not.

but what do you mean? You don't know if it's true or not.

That's the toxic part comes in because I honestly like I just feel like when we have conversations, like because I have I approached this similarly to him before and he will say, like, well, this is what, as we had broken up up for short time recently.

did he leave and pack up and leave the house?

Well, IT took a while to pack up until I forced him out. But and then I regret IT IT. You know.

because regret IT.

because I am my own toxic try. I deny one back. I don't want be alone.

And I, you know, started getting scared because, you know, he's talking to somebody else and I just not really for IT to me out. And I do feel like I love them. I just, I don't know. And then he throws in my fees because, like now you've came back and sometimes will be like, this is, I don't know, I need to figure myself now I told you I need to work myself, but he is not working on my self and stop with that means when and when we broke up, he was not working myself. He was trying to get into another relationship with somebody ten years onder than him. And is that just shortly down the road and that's where he was supposed to be up like residing and he wasn't he was like all all the time wasn't sleeping early, you know if he just means that was really a mess and then showing up here on announce and give you know breaking my heart over again and and being cos meaning we I feel I know bad 子弹 吗？ 对。

he's not breaking your heart. You breaking your heart.

Why does that make you emotional? I that's .

true I feel like in myself and you I was to one your podcast about attachment theories. I am definitely um the anxiety version of those yes he's the avoiding and and I say sorry a million times and I just like one night feel like I you need him to love me and i've been. Just not being very nice to myself. If you know, in the process of that.

when IT becomes more important for somebody else to love you, then IT is for you to love yourself. You're in a really toxic dynamic. And I wanna commend you on something.

I think deep down, you know this. And what actually scares you is you're starting to tap back into yourself worth and realize that you're Better than this dynamic and you deserve Better than this dynamic. And IT scares you because you've never been in a relationship with yourself or with somebody else where there's been a healthy dynamic. And I would imagine i'm willing to get that you are attracted to men who are not available because this is what was present in your childhood. Is that true?

I'm not sure exactly. I I have looked into that and I am sure that IT is well.

which one of your parents do you chase more in terms of wanting affection, approval.

my mother?

And did you feel like he wasn't that available?

Yeah, yeah, he did like he was there. And but SHE, you know, is kind like me as a moment. Now I feel beauty.

There's great care war about her shows. And SHE, you know, went in. My parents got a divorce. SHE really wasn't part like emotionally present and he was always tougher with her words.

My dad, actually at last relationship, but he, you know, gives me the world now, you know, and I just am still trying to I get that relationship back with my mom. And I hate to say that because should probable watch this and she's been really trying to you don't express to me lately like that. She's sorry that that's happening again now because she's my very, very small stuff and right now, personally not affected by that, I do understand that i'm adult now. I see things differently and I love her dearly. And I think.

how is the dynamic with your boyfriend similar to what I was like when your mom was available?

I mean, I guess I can not only really talk about how I feel what how IT is currently because I don't know, but I just with with my boyfriend, I see I am constantly just trying to be. So great and then he he's going to turn me like, oh, well, you're so great and like, I love you and I like you're so great. I see what you did. I see how great you are to mean, and I see you in general and I love you. You know I just feel like i'm consulting just trying to do that.

You know you are .

that's why it's .

not enough. You're in a relationship where you're chasing somebody who is not available and who resents you for what you need and who is in so much pain and in such a whole that he can't possibly give you what you need right now. And you just keep telling yourself, so many of us fall into the strap.

okay? Well, if I just try harder, I just do this, or I just do the other thing, then it's gonna OK and then he's going to be happy and then he's gona love me and then it's going to be good and then he's not going to want that woman who's ten years Young irl and you probably know that he slept with her anyway while you guys we're broken up and it's technically a broken up. So I didn't really matter IT even though he breaks your heart, you don't really talk about IT .

is this so I think you would no, not. And life is too short. It's too short. I want, you know.

I see the photos of your best friend on the wall behind you. What was her name? And what did he die of .

and overdue?

What would .

mari tell you right now?

He always .

thought we deadly to get out of this relationship. And then I was, now I deserve so much Better. I just so confusing.

And I just know it's not confusing. It's not confusing at all. You either deserve Better or you think you don't brick, which is that is .

are Better. And if you .

are acting, let's just I want you to closure ize OK closures. And together we're gonna a travel forward in your mind two years. So two years from now, its a beautiful spring day. This relationship is behind you.

Or not you get to choose IT is the future you and you've spent two years book really healing yourself, putting yourself first and taking actions every single day that show you that you believe you deserve the best, that you love yourself and that your heart is worth protecting, that you come first. Tell me what your life looks like, you're waking up. What is life look like for the future? Book two years now.

I have no idea now. Oh, my god, I, I get a picture that.

yes, you do. Come on, let's picture together. Imagine that i'm there with you.

I feel like I would feel what later first. well. I would wake up a lot earlier and not feel the time of something little deal you.

I would probably a lot be a lot more successful in my career. and. I don't know.

I want to do. I would just be happy and proud of myself. Feel.

what do you see yourself doing that you're not doing now that makes you proud?

I would be more present .

with my son.

and I would probably be more president with my friends that I have. Now that I, you know, don't really engage in as much, I would show up more for myself. What does that look like?

Give me an example of how you're not showing up for yourself right now. I wouldn't have days.

right? I just like to feel easy way in bed all day. Been watched television just to escape my wife. I don't know. I feel that one thing I would definitely be not doing.

I don't know.

Yes, you do stop .

saying you don't know. You just came in a very clear picture. Can I tell you what you just reflect IT back?

Yes.

you'd get up earlier.

You would be .

more present with your son. You would not lay in bed all day and waste the day. Been watching T. V. You would be more successful. You would be proud of yourself, and you would probably wake up and have a day full of things that you were doing, whether was volunteering, are going to do something with your son or spending time with those friends that you don't spend time with right now because you spend all your time trying to fix the sky that doesn't want to be fixed. Fixing him will not fix you.

You are perfect and lovable exactly how you are, and you deserve to have somebody in your life that sees that and that wants to grow with you. And I can't do this for you. I can tell you that if you break up with him, he will find somebody else because he .

needs IT, and only you .

can decide brook whether or not you deserve to put yourself first. And I guarantee Molly is sitting, their going and girl break up with him. And what you don't know, because you've never experiences, is will I be able to put myself first? Will I be OK if i'm alone? And here's my answer to that. You're alone right now.

Just because you have a man living in your house who you're paying for doesn't mean you in a relationship. You are lonely, you do not see your friends, you have isolated yourself, and you have put all of your worth into this guy, somehow transforming and giving you something he doesn't have to give right now. And I can tell you that with certainty, because his actions demonstrate that.

I agree.

I .

agree. What how is that?

So what do you see as the next right step?

I would probably want to portrait again with him just to see if I just, I get so confused because, like he is, I think I wanted, you know, telling like these, I will set that boundary and make IT real.

Let's all play. I'm going to be him. Aren't you ready?

yes.

So how do that thing go with miles? You tell you to break up with me?

yes. SHE did. I knew that. I knew that .

bitch was going to do that.

Um I don't know. I don't have to do this now. So sorry, you, you try. I going to want to air this. This is terrible.

It's not about whether it's good or bad.

You and I are practicing OK I, what do you? Change .

that you try. You have to stop letting the feeling.

Dictate what you do.

You have to visualize a happier, more confident book and let her guide you right now. And it's OK to write IT down and read .

IT to him that.

well, let's rehearses.

let's go. What is the boundary?

I love you first for most, I just feel .

that I can .

sit here anymore and watch you, not b, you're great self. I I know that you are capable, able and have done some very amazing things, and I feel you're not showing up right now as that version of yourself, for yourself and or for me. And I want to be in this relationship, I IT means very much to me, but I am struggling with you, not be a part of this with me together.

I feel we are a team right now because of whatever is that you are going through that allowing for you to be this. So I see a lot. I tell, what is this going? okay?

I think you're doing fantastic. I S stop. Just keep talking from your heart.

What is? Tell me, well, I get that. So what do I need to do? What you mean? What's happening?

I would really like for you to find a job and start.

I am looking for a job.

Where have you been looking for a job?

I am applying online.

Oh, okay. Well, have you had any body?

No.

what can you do about that then? Like what is that that you can do to put yourself in a position where that I don't know, I feel like it's something like that. Oh, my gosh.

i'll tell you why. IT kind of one of the rails. Okay, because looking for a job is not something specific. okay. And he's been doing IT for two years .

and IT has not worked right. You store dash, but he doesn't.

Why would you not tell him that he needs to go to therapy for three months once a week? Because that's what you actually .

want and that's what you think would make a difference that I was I I am .

scared to say that I feel both shit .

IT is your hold on a second book.

You're paying the fucking bills. He is living with you. You have let this slide for two fucking years and i'm going to tell you some mouse, maybe he needs you to be stronger than he is.

Maybe he needs you to say I see something Better for you and i'm not going to fucking sit here and watch you flush her life down the toilet and you clearly have bigger issues that I can help you with so you either get your fucking ass and therapy and I will pay for IT and you're going to go every week for three fucking months because you're worth IT and you need somebody to help you sort out that bulls shit in your head that you're telling yourself that's keeping you down and keeping you isolated for me and keeping you acting like this. There is a Better man inside. And by god, i'm not gonna my son be influenced by somebody who will not pick himself up and do the work.

If you can make IT through jail for eight fucking years, you can go to a therapies office wants to a god damn week while I pay for and you want to know some mouse, I don't trust you so I am going to drive you there. And if you're unwilling to do that, you don't deserve to be here with my son. And I am not going to stand here and watch you continue to spiral. Al, I care so much about you that I am willing to say goodbye to you. But what I am not willing to do is sit here and watch yourself destruct.

I feel really great.

I want to be that was a wonderful.

Well, you have to get angry.

Yeah.

you perked up when I said your son. So what was that about the example that he is giving to your son that actually let a fire under your ass book?

He's been influence. That's that's the male role. And you know he doesn't have a by logical father. You know, he is being around at all time. This is me and he is my world is open to Better .

way I want to oh, how old is OK? This is pivotal years right now.

I know he is watching.

Well, then fucking do something about IT.

I I really, I don't know why, tell you why, I tell you why.

I'll tell you why, honey. And this is where self compassion come in. None of what you're doing is a choice. You are stuck in old patterns based on your childhood. You're scared to death of people leaving you, and your feelings and your fears are making you so hesitant.

And the other reason why this is not a choice, as you deeply believe you're not worthy of love and so you don't know how to act as though you deserve IT. And so if you want to quote, be me, use me as an avatar and when you start to get those feelings coming up in your body, like I can't do this, just like what the fuck would not say? This is your life books where you gotta decide what's right for you.

But I will tell you, if you stay in that feeling emotional space, if I can do this, I don't know. You're just gonna continue to have the same thing. But if you want something different, you got to show up and act in a different way.

And since you don't know how to do this for yourself, that's OK. That's okay. You why becomes bigger than you? It's about your son.

It's about being that fuck and mama bear and it's about saying both I love my son so much and I love you, by the way, that I i'm breaking the fuck and chain in this dynamic right now. And since you can't do IT, i'm gona tell you what's required. Did your son deserve a man in his life that will go to therapy for three fucking months .

to get help me?

Yes.

what I mean? Yes, yes, the person who happened really deserves someone and have therapy specially I think .

we should in therapy and nothing. But if you can afford IT, it's the best fucking and thing in the planet. You get somebody that is completely objective, listening to you go on and on, and then they give you strategies.

In fact, if we all talk to a therapist every week, we wouldn't have the problems we have because we'd be sorting through them and working on IT and taken steps proactively to make ourselves happier, more fulfilled. And we deserves this. I wish IT we're universal, that we all had access to this.

So it's not that he needs IT. It's also that he'll benefit from IT and your son will benefit from the example and you will benefit for sticking up for yourself. You have to remove the love piece from this.

I'm serious. You're getting so caught up in the emotion of does somebody love me and I worthy bullshit? If this were your son, would you want him to go to therapy?

Of course I I happened. There be two.

So you get to say, book because you pay the bills. You get to say, what happens next? I love you.

I'm not onna stand for this. I love my son too much to continue for this dynamic, this broken dynamic. And you must see a therapist once a fuck in week because of the only thing I can measure.

And if you're not willing to do that, this is never going to work and you might as well move out. You've asked him for two fucking years to get a job. Do not ask him .

that that's not working.

What are you take away from this?

Well, first, I feel like you you paint a picture that I ve been stealing my soul very clearly for me to digest. And I do feel very much more confident and going interruption of. I really like that.

We are going in the direction of the therapy as the automatic because I believe that's the most appropriate verge. I am going to do that. I feel confident and doing that, I feel confident.

And that for many, can I say something that I think i'll make you feel Better instead of the world automating. You're giving him a choice. He makes the choice. You're telling him he has two choices. Choice one .

is except .

the gift and the request that you get support once a week for the next three months, which I will pay for. And choice .

too is this .

doesn't work because IT hasn't for a long time. And so you are empowering .

him to .

choose. That's what a boundary is. It's your line. And I remember when Chris was really struggling and I finally said, do the doctor has recommended that you take medication for depression and even though, you know.

Chris leads .

mental treats and his hospice volunteer and is in all this counselling and psychology and coaching, and never ever had any issue with me taking medication, and the second he was, like, told he probably should do IT, all the sudden he thinks that means this week, and I did get my choice. Unlike this is not gonna work, if you don't try that medication for a year. And he got to make the choice. And you can give them a deadline, but you're going to have to hold him to IT. How do you feel in the framing of IT as you are presenting option a or option B?

I think that's that I feel good about that. I feel like. And i'll tell me .

my answer yeah like if you ever want to know what somebody he's actually committed to closures and don't listen to a damn thing, they say, yes, watch what they do.

I scares me a little bit, but I feel like time to put in my big girl pants on and. Do what whatever he chooses because he does have the right and i'm giving him, you know, the option to choose and what he chooses. Tell me what I have for more time. Time valuable.

That's great. Brook, you're having this conversation not as brook, but as oakley's mother. And it's time you put oakley first.

He deserves more. He needs his mother. And this is a win for him either way, because he either sees his mother. Stand up and have the strength to support a man in getting into therapy and healing and holding him to IT. Or he sees a mom who cares so much about him that he does not tolerate bulls shit like this. And so if you go in as mam bear brook and you're doing this for it's a win when either way, because he either sees you change a relationship and stick up for yourself and IT feels the love and the safety from you all, he sees the same thing.

I love you.

I believe .

in you.

Thank you.

And I wanna also come .

back to this point that sometimes in life, the people that we think we're helping actually need the push. Because just like you're trapped in your own past patterns of feeling and emotion, he is two. That doesn't mean you let him off IT actually means that you see higher potential. So you're going to have raised a fuck and bar for both of you're doing this for you and oakley and you're doing IT for him and he will make his choices to whether or not he can raise the bar too and he might not. And that's okay.

好 OK。 You're gonna be .

more than okay, honey. You're going to be fucking fantastic. My second .

for I do, I feel I like I said, I feel so good. I feel like I dig, you know, over the world right after this. Well.

you know, look, the fear is gonna there and you're going to have the conversation anyway and the feelings are gone to be their brook, and you're going to feel overwhelmed and you're going to talk through them. And I would highly recommend that you put down some bullets on a piece of paper. Why are you having this conversation? This is a really important bullet.

Because I know all the way is impacting others and and myself and to it's hard to get this process started. And I mean, he needs to start his healing process and I will respect that. And I understand that I i'll support IT.

I want to see IT actually starting and actually being a real thing that, you know, starting. Do well, the hard thing. No, brook.

stop making yourself wrong. You did mother, because here's the thing. The second that you're well in to let him walk out the door, you have opened up the door to a honor you.

You need to stop trying to keep him. You gotto be willing to let someone leave. Because the second that you're willing to let him walk out that door, he is now free to choose whether or not he's going to stay and show up. You said IT beautifully, I gotto .

do this for me.

I deserve someone. Who is growing with me and who can accept my support, and who is taking responsibility for their own stuff. And the only way i'm gonna know that these things are handle is if I see you going to therapy once a week with a professional to get the support you deserve. that's.

That was great.

You're great. Oh.

my god. And here's the other thing .

I want you to understand. Break, expect to feel uncomfortable. You have to cry. You're feeling excited. Now I promise you, the second he walks back in his like one, you're going .

really .

expect IT because then you won't be as freak out when the .

emotions flood OK do you get to this right now as .

otherwise five, four, three, two, one? If he doesn't immediately be like i'm in. That's kind of your answer if he's like, I got to think about to be like, great, we're gonna breakfast tomorrow morning and you're going to tell me whether you're going to start healing somewhere .

else with somebody else or .

if you're going to accept this gift time giving you .

and this request on making that's IT.

That's IT. I've got ta raise the game here. We're going to play a bigger game. Do you have any questions, any other questions or concerns or anything else? The tattling around other than shit, should I have the conversation now?

I don't think so other than, I mean, if you want, do you know, OK here we can, you know, meet weekly and we can do, you know, we might. 哈哈哈哈， i will.

I will meet weekly. I'm here every monday and every thursday for you.

I feel so good.

Well, what's .

happening is.

see, I think everybody on the planet once one thing you want to live a life where you feel like your best and you're truth self, every one of us, we all just want to live our lives feeling like we can express our best to ourselves. That's IT. That's IT. And so does your boyfriend.

by the way, we don't want to give up the stuff that feels good that we're doing that you are self destructive as the bitch. That's the bitch.

But but here's the thing. You're also doing this because you know IT doesn't feel good for him to live like this.

You're not .

trying to fix him. You are holding up a light and saying there is a bigger possibility here and your actions have demonstrated that you're not onna do that on your own. That's IT.

okay. You're going to do great. Remember moi and I and everybody listening are your guardian Angels.

Hold up the light. You can do this. I promise you.

You can do this. And I wanted know how I goes. okay.

Thank you so much.

I love you. I'm really proud of you. And oakly is a really lucky little guy to have such an awesome mom.

Thank you.

You come.

I hope that our conversation today has been a wake up call for you, too, that you've got the tools now to spot those moments where you're being used or where you're just in a situation where the people around you are used to things the old way and you now are tapping into something greater for yourself.

And what's exciting about seeing a bigger vision for your own life is that IT does elevate what you see in terms of the potential in people that you love, and that's a really good thing. But remember, when you're the one that wants to change the situation is your responsibility to lay out the plan that is specific that gets you there. And I think one of the biggest things that I want both you and I to remember is that people aren't in our lives so that we can grip onto them.

We're also not meant to be everybody's caretakers. Just because this situation works for somebody else doesn't mean you gotta continue to tolerate IT. You can demand a hire standards for yourself, and then you got ta be willing to let somebody walk out the door.

You gotta a be willing to let them say, i'm not ready to heal. I'm not ready to do that. I don't wanna do that.

Fuck you. That's okay. Because when you let somebody walk out the door, you actually open up a whole new possibility for you.

Because these conversations are not really about changing somebody else. It's about changing you. It's about you practicing the highest and the most courageous self expression. It's about you requesting what you need in your life.

And when you do that from a place of love for yourself, for those around you and even for the person that you're lying the choice out for, trust me, everything works out exactly how it's mental because you are raising the game for yourself. And I love that when you do that. And a final note, i'm being used, you're only being used if you allow IT I make trim all.

No, I didn't really say this to chrystal book, but you're allowing shit. If you continue to sit in the situation, you got two feet, you can walk out the door. You will be just fine on your own.

But if you're staying in something that doesn't work and you know IT you're not being used because you're participating in IT, it's time to level up your own ass and maybe that means you're the one that supposed to walk out the door bomb. That's the door shutting behind you. That sound good.

All right case, nobody else tells you. I believe in you. I do.

I know you can do this. You can raise again, and I love you. I love you for so many things.

And go to IT. Okay, put yourself first. I'll talk in a few days. You're awesome.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented sollie for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. stitcher.