6 Signs You’re Disconnected From Your Power and How to Get It Back: Life-Changing Advice From the Remarkable Dr. Thema Bryant
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Zero dollar offer may not be available on future iphones s next up any time feature may be discontinued at any time, subject to change additional fees, terms and restrictions supply C A T T com flash iphone for details. Hey, it's your friend. Melt and welcome till the male Robin's broadcast.

I am so glad that you tuned into the podcast today. I'm actually out los Angeles for our daughters college graduation. And while I was out here, I reached out to a woman that I have just I don't even know how to describe the level of respect and all, and I just know that today IT is gona be one hell of a profound conversation.

I just feel IT in my bones because i'm going to introduce you to doctor tam a Brant. I've never met her before. You're gona meet her the same moment that I meet her.

Now, doctor tam a wears so many hats, and the one thing that is the through line in her work is that people around the world who are seeking deeper connection and meaning in life trust her. They turned to her for guidance. SHE is a psychologist, a minister, attended red professor, a peptide university.

SHE is a new york times best selling author, and in twenty twenty three he was named the very first black female president of the american psychological association. Doctor bryant completed her doctor and clinical psychology at duke university and her postdoctoral training at harvard medical schools. Victims of violence program doctor timer bryant is gone to help you connect with the truth of who you are, even if you've never truly met the most powerful version of yourself.

SHE says you can always come back home to yourself. dr. 点 brands， brand new book, come coming, overcome fear in trauma to reclaim m your whole authentic self IT is a must read doctor or tama. I am so thrilled that you are here.

I am thrilled to be here. I love you. I love your work, and I love getting the word out about the journey home because we need IT 啊。

Do we ever you know, I was I am pretty emotional today because i'm here in los Angeles because one of our daughters is graduating from college in a couple days, and I am going after interview to her final senior performance. beautiful.

And it's a full .

circle moment because i'm going to the theater where SHE got her invitation to audition to even be admitted into the program. And i've been calling in a full circle moment. But what I realizes it's a homecoming IT is.

And I guess that's where I want to start IT makes me emotional. Think about this because I lived for so long, feeling what you would call psychologically homeless. Yes, disconnected from my true self. and. The feeling that you have when you finally feel whole IT is unlike anything i've ever experienced.

Yes, and I appreciate the honesty and the transparency because we do get disconnected, you know, life disconnected. So psychological homelessness is the sense of wandering, being ungrounded, unrated, confused. And we can spend years saying, I don't know, i'm not sure, and even when i'm waiting for other people to give me the answer, then my office, but I need a confess.

That's what we talk about with therapy, is at some point, people need to internalize IT. So it's not just every week people coming in saying, so tama, what do you think? Yeah, right.

They had begin to the point where I was having this conversation with my sister, and I realized I was doing this. And so I there is right now you have become your compass, right? yeah. So how could you tell you we're disconnected? Or what was IT like when you were psychologically wandering?

IT felt like there was the physical me walking around in my life doing the things that we all do, getting up, going to work. Take her, the kids, calling friends, watching T, V. But there was a part of me that was separate, that felt. I guess you could call IT like i'm knowing just done autopilot, just feeling no spiritual center yeah no connection to values, just existing and so I guess that would be for me this feeling of separation .

yeah separated from yourself and and separated from other people because you're surrounded by people but they don't really see, you know, you can fall a lot of people, including yourself, right? So a part of homecoming is telling yourself the truth and then living based on that truth that you tell yourself, right? Because I can lie to myself that social script is not fine and fine.

And you know, I mean, a lot of faith based communities, and the term is like unblessed, right? Like, yeah, you can be blessed and also have a lot going on. Yeah, blessed and lost. So that awaken ing what i'd like to say, and I think I said in the book, is can we get to the place where we can add I miss myself.

wow. okay. I just wants to make sure that you listening to us just got what doctor damages said you. I miss myself. How does somebody who feels like they don't even know who they are.

you know who I am? Yes, yes.

I would love for you to read these six questions. That can be a sign of what you call psychological homelessness.

So here the questions, does the state of your life, internally or externally, fall short of what you imagined? Did you attain what you thought you want IT only to discover that you still feel empty and unfulfilled? Do you have a sense of powerful ness or hopelessness?

Do you lack the energy or motivation to pursue the things that used to matter to you? Do you feel there are no words to capture the ache in your heart? Do you find yourself crying often? Or does that seem impossible to cry if .

somebody resonate with any of those questions? Yeah.

what should they do? yes. So I want to first say to anyone who connected with those questions, you've taken the first step, which is awareness, because I can't come home to myself if I don't realize i'm wandering yeah right? Sometimes we don't realize that you can time is passing and you don't know IT.

So the fact that in this moment, as your listening, you choose to tell yourself the truth, that is your mind, heart, body, spirit telling to you, we're ready, right? Because we don't feel ready, know where distracting ourselves. We're visiting ourselves and the truth shows up.

So telling yourself the truth is the first step. And then we think about both self care and community care. And sometimes when we don't feel good about ourselves, uh, we neglect ourselves and we erased ourselves.

And that those can have cultural messages and gender messages and religious messages where people will say self care is selfish, right? You know? And so to say to myself, I am not just a tool for other people's nourishing, I am not just a pathway for other people to get goodness in life, that I too am a living soul that is deserving of the goodness ness that I want other people to experience.

So i'd like to say, even if you feel like you were never at home with yourself, you can still come home to yourself. And that is a reality for a lot of people who grew up with stress and trauma, who perhaps were born into families where there was a lot of stress and trauma. So you learned early to be in survival mode, or you learn to play small, or you learn to people, please.

And so you never get to, but I like to call, unfold, right? You never got to connect with the truth of who you are. I also want to say, when we are in unhealthy relationships and on toxic jobs, in order to survive those, you have to disconnect. I is impossible to be at home with yourself and stay in relationship with someone who is dishonoring you perpetual.

wow. yeah. So for somebody that just had like, yes.

I wake up call, then you can have compassion for yourself because people will judge you and say, like why do you stay so long, right? But you weren't connected to you. You have been disconnected from yourself, so you don't even feel the capacity to dream again to imagine, to believe that Better is possible for you and that you are deserving of IT and worthy of IT. And so even if you have never met you, you can come home to you. And that's kind of the good news of this process.

Wow, there's a west african a table that you tell IT. The very beginning of the bus that I think we will give us a visual and a story to lock until that we can keep coming back to, to help keep people in the conversation. yes. So would you mind .

telling us you? Yeah, you can say a little. I I lived in liberia, west africa, for high school, so i'm gonna IT in my version of liberian english. But any librarians who are listening, i'll tell you, oh, that's not that for true.

So once upon a time, once upon a time in west africa, there was one animal expert, and this animal expert knew every animal that was in a sh people say far as, but the real word is bush. If he see giraffe, he noted in giraffe, if he see lions, he noted in lion. So this animal expert is walking one day, so, so, so, and he goes behind one farm, and he passed in the farm.

And behind the farm he see, so, so, so chickens in the middle of the chickens is one eagle. He said, what eagle doing with these chickens? He go to the front of farm and he say, bop, bop, you people say, knock, not the real sound has, but but he say, pop up.

The man is, I say, hold that the man else. I say that me, you must open the door and see. So he opens the door, he say, what your business here?

He said, in the back of your farm you got so, so, so chickens, but in the middle is one eagle. The farmer left. He said, no, I only have chicken.

The animal experts that i'll show you, they go to the back of the farm. He picks up the one he's calling a eagle. He puts IT on his army.

He says, listen to me. You not chicken. Chickens can fly.

You can fly. Go head and fly the eagle. Listen to him. But then he looked down at his chicken. Brothers and sisters eat in a chicken food.

He jumped down off the man's ARM, and he go back with the chickens. The farmers started laughing at the animal expert. The animal expert is vx.

a. He said, I coming ago. He stormed away the next day he come back. He comes so soon in the morning. God himself was not awake yet.

He come and say, what pop up? The man, as I say, who did that? The men.

I say, let me open the door and see. He opens the door, he takes them. He says, what are you doing here?

He said, I came here because you have one eagle. This time he took the eagle, and he climbed to the roof of the barn. They get to the top of the barn.

And at that moment, the suns started to rise. The animal expert says to the eagle, all your life, people told you, you are a chicken. They told you, talk like chicken, act like chicken, walk like chicken.

But you're not a chicken. You're an eagle. The eagle said to himself, I think if I don't try to think this man will come everyday bothering me, and maybe today I will try IT. So he spread his wings and he started to fly. And I tell you, my eyes could never see him again.

And that's the whole reason why you and I are here today, because there are those who are listening who have been treated like chickens, dating like chickens, picking jobs like chicken s but you're not a chicken. You're an eagle. So fly.

Oh, I just got to do that right now. Oh, my. G that is why this book is required reading for everyone. In fact, I would love free to read this part.

The eagle made at home. He made IT to the truth of who he was. This is homecoming. I wrote this book for all of you who, at different points in your life, have found yourself living like someone you are not.

You may have started acting different because of how you were treated or what other people told you about yourself, or how you saw others acting. You have not felt comfortable or safe enough to truly be yourself or to feel at home in your identity. The recognized and unrecognized traumas of your past may have taught you to hide your gifts and voice in order to survive. This book facilities your journey back to who you really are, so you can own your full identity and .

fly beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you. So many of us are hungry for more like you have the since this can be IT this, this just can't be IT, right? And whatever area of my life and so are to know the healing is work, but we're worth in, right? And when we are not at home, we are paying a cost anyway.

How much has IT cost me to live some other woman's life? Hi, I don't want to pay IT anymore. Yeah, yeah.

yeah. IT costs you .

your life, right? IT costs you your life.

absolutely. So let's walk through the process of home. I an eagle and chicken, and I wanna begin this journey. Yes, but I don't know. I'm an eagle, right?

How do we start? I start every session with the breath, okay? Because we are so busy and scattered, and we have been tricked, duped, hoodwinked into believing I can prove my worthiness with my busy ness, and so people can come in, you know, running a million miles, and have believed themselves that if i'm so productive, I must be at home.

But we often are not. And so I invite people to take a moment to tune into their breath, to enhance and through the nose. And x hail out through the mouth. And to begin to scan their bodies, noticing any place where your holding tension in sending breath throughout the body, giving yourself permission to breathe and release. As we said, intentions for self compassion and for clarity, and that's how we begin.

I feel different.

Yeah right. Tell me the different.

What did you notice? Um I just noticed that my mind went quiet and I dropped out of my head and into my body that and there was a slowing went with knowing, right, this feels Better than the thoughts that racing, that IT feels Better. What's IT feel like for you.

right? IT, is the homecoming. And that's a part of the closing our eyes or lowering our gaze is when we're open.

We're open to all the stimulation around us and especially if you, uh, trauma survivor, you are tuned into other people, right? So what are they thinking? What are they feeling?

What do they need? It's dangerous to use when you're a victim of trauma, discrimination and violence.

right? And many of us suppress and run and hide. And that height s the belief that I can see myself, right, that keeps us running.

So instead to give people permission and with the support, because they are not having to fix IT by themselves and with them actually tune to what's going on in there. And a to start to look at what are the signs of my disconnection. So that's where the journey begins for us to notice, right? Where is my disconnection showing up in me?

So if homecoming means feeling connected, yeah, to your most authentic self, what are the signs? Yeah, this connection.

So when we are in a place of feeling powerless, hopelessness, despair, those are indicators that we have lost sight of our power and voice. Because the truth is we do have capacity voice in agency, but we've been an environment where that wasn't welcomed or that wasn't responded to. And so then that can leave us feeling like we're empty.

Yes, right? yes. The word that keeps coming to mind this purpose, so hear a lot of people say, I don't know what my purposes, I I need to find a purpose, is that a code word for I am disconnected .

for myself that is definitely a code word when people don't have a sense of their purpose. That's a an indication of disconnection.

yes. And there's a story told the book about being at a event where you're giving one of the brazilian canoe speeches that you give and a survivor of sexual abuse comes up to you. Can you share that story after we hear a quick word from sponsors? Yes, awesome. Love you right back.

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Welcome back. I'm mell Robins and i'm here with the extraordinary doctor tam brian. We're talking about our new book, homecoming and the process of returning back home to yourself and doctor tama was just about to tell us a story of something that happened after gave vicini speech at a conference.

So I was speaking at a conference on sexual assault, and i'm a sexual assault survivor, and I give the presentation. And when it's over, people are responding really well. And then i'm standing there in this line, which I know you are used to, there's a long line of people waiting to share their their response connection to what you said. And uh, I see toward the back of the line, uh, this woman, who we would say had had a bad attitude, right? But I know attitude is despair, but I hold .

on a second hh attitude is despair.

yeah. So a form of depression people often don't recognize is irritable depression right? Yeah wow. And and people don't respond to compassion, with compassion to women with a court court bad attitude.

But if we said when I see that woman she's in despair, maybe then I would respond with compassion. But some of us, by family, by culture, by religion, we're taught that sadness is weakness. So we mask our sadness with anger, with bitterness, with attitude, right? But underneath that is the despair.

It's so true. Yeah, it's like an iceberg. You see the anger on the top. There's something .

so much Better underneath 哇 yeah so you .

could pick up on the attitude and .

the energy， but I know there's the story there. Yeah right especially because when you know you've been done anything, right? So I am feeling on the receiving end of your upset and I haven't done anything so that I know there is a story yeah so you know, when he gets to be her place, uh, she's next in the line and SHE says to me with the attitude, so you're a survivor and I said, look, I just gave a hokey note.

I say yes and he says, well, you don't look like any survivor i've ever known so the doubting can be triggering as we think about not being believed. But then I go deeper than that and decide not to get defensive. Instead, I just let her question slash statement hang in the air and I just, uh, what I would say soften, right? I saw in and I just look at her and it's like now he can see me like on the stage with my power point and my pants suit that he couldn't see me, right? He could only see the strength and the authority skills, yeah.

But now standing in front of her kind of woman to woman and SHE could see the vulnerability and seeing the vulnerability, he said the only survivors i've ever known were fat and poor like me. right? It's the different ways our surviving shows up.

And for some of us who are often overlooked, we coped with anger, with bitterness, with attitude, but underneath is despair. And some of us, we coped with business ness and with what I would call a spirit of excEllence. And when you are excEllent, people don't notice your wounds. And sometimes you don't notice them, you feel you've out around IT.

Yes, but it's there late at night.

early in the morning. When you're in certain environments, IT shows up that it's still bleeding and you've just gotten busy but healed.

What is .

healing? yeah. So IT is the homecoming of accepting and loving of myself. When I accept me, I have nothing to prove. There's a life coach here in in los Angeles.

Share an event SHE has a beautiful coat I love, which is I don't want to be driven, I want to be called and this idea of like when you're driven, your trauma can drive you yeah like your insecurity can you know where you have to constantly prove yourself? And it's this frantick ness verses when I met home that I can be in flow with, what is me? Yeah .

wow. If you have somebody in your life who has that irritable .

depression yeah.

how do you practice softening and passion? Because often times, if you're around somebody who's constantly irritable, who is always angry about or frustrated with something, I have several people that come to mind right now in my own life. Yeah, what are some tools that we can use to practice more compassion in those moments? yeah.

And I love that question because I think what we often get pulled into is being combative with them and they're always going to outcome bat us because they're in all year mode, right? And so um you know when they come with the intensity, uh then I respond to the softness and I was saying one of two ways. One is if I if I can relate IT all, i'll give my own experience right and that helps them that to feel judged right. I'm not thing like calling you out because I see what you're doing is just saying, you know there was a time where and often I have learned transparency is contagious and sometimes when people say, oh, me too, right I like, yeah you .

too so the testimonial .

or if I know anything that's been happening in their life, to name that because they are responding with all this intensity bright so then I will say, well, I really wanted to check in I know this is such a busy time with you you know that you're moving, that you're this, that you're that and for us to ask a deeper question because the how are you gives us finding you? Yeah right? So break out of the script.

And so instead, with everything you're holding, you know, what's been helping you to manage, right? Or what do you need or how can I help? So i'm speaking to the unspoken.

if you bring in the chicken in the eagle, can we use that people to describe that moment where the survivor in the audience has this arable depressive moment with you? right? What is happening for her in your opinion, as a psychologist? yeah.

So i'd like to say the reason you feel unsettled is because you're not supposed to settle. Say that again, the reason you feel unsettled is because you're nats supposed to settled. So what area of your life are you settling?

And I would imagine that any area .

where you feel unsettled right there is so you know, what happens is often we are focus so much outward if if only my spouse would do this, if only my kids would do this, if only my supervisor would do this. Um and we don't have the capacity to shift them. So how might you want to shift?

That's a big ask because it's easier to try to order .

everybody else and frustrating and annoying and yes, and draining. But IT also, uh, lets me off the hook because I can keep waiting for their homecoming, right? Well, everybody is on their own timing. And what i'd like to remind myself is I don't want to keep my healing hostage waiting for the healing of those who harmed me.

Oh, wow.

And that's what we're doing when we're like waiting for the apology. Yeah, it's like I can't heal till you see what you did to me. Yes, like back to be years and might .

be your whole life.

may be your whole life, right? They have gone on with their lives. They don't care. They're not thinking about IT. And so I want to to take my healing out of .

their hands and give IT back to yourself. Yeah and so the process of coming home and the homecoming is the act.

self healing. Yes.

it's about joining back in with yourself.

And so IT is a sacred act to begin to care for ourselves. And the catch is, when we talk about behavioral al psychology, with behavioral al psychology, you start to do the action even if you don't feel IT yet, right? So I say, like, i'm gonna a wait till I have high self a steam and then take good care myself. Like it's not going to work, right? So I have to start doing IT even .

when I don't feel IT. Yes, yes. Let's take a quick pause. We can hear a word from our sponsors, and we will be right back with more from doctor tabor. brian?

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S. english. Some features and languages will be coming over the next year. Zero dollar offer may not be available on future iphones. Next up, any time feature may be discontinued. Any time subject to change, additional fees, terms and restrictions apply C A T T com flash iphone for details.

Welcome back. I'm mell Robins and i'm here with the extraordinary doctor, tam a. brian.

We're talking about our new book, homecoming, and the process of returning back home to yourself. So the first step is to recognize that you're disconnected from yourself. You talk to us about breathing closure ize come back into your body. You've talked also about self care.

What does that mean? Self care. So IT is a sacred act to begin to care for ourselves.

self. Self care is nourishing every part of yourself. So there is the physical part. Um IT is hard to heal and come home to yourself if you're living out of vending machines and drive through windows.

why?

Because your food of actual mood and there's nothing life giving in fake food. I'd like to say, as your grandmother would say, put some vegetables on that plate, put some Greens on that plate, uh, so fruit and vegetables I like to think of before I eat something, can I say i'm eating this because I love myself? Then some things I won't be able to put in my body because I actually want to live.

And we have IT flipped, where we will call those things the treat. I am treating myself by giving myself something that's killing me. So to have to flip IT, and of course, in moderation. Because when people hear that they are like.

do you mean I can never have .

and drinking water instead of all the sota sleep is a big one. IT is hard to come home to yourself when you're exhausted. You know we are busy, busy uh and then all night people are on their phones or you know up and can sleep. And I say if your ID, and hopefully this is OK.

say you say whatever. Yes.

if your idea of relaxing before you go to sleep is watching three episodes of law order, I would encourage you to think about why is trauma relaxing to me?

Oh.

that's what IT is and its harm, crime, violation attacks. And that's what is gonna the me into my big time.

So what is the answer? Yeah, that a lot of people give you when they do go in to therapy about that connection .

is that is Normal and familiar. Some of us grew up in high dress, so we think comments is either fake or boring. Wow, right? People mistake peace for boring. And it's like to come home to yourself. You have to lean into the discomfort because because it's gonna feel on familiar. I was working with a client, an adult woman and her mom and they had been disconnected um because the mother dead with addiction and didn't raise her but they are reconnected now and living together and the adult daughter really wanted her mom to say he loves her and the mother are just said, uh to me that just seems fake so he had not grown up with that. Had not hurt IT to hurt IT like something people do on TV and so I said to her, if you mean IT is not fake, IT just feels like IT because you're not used to .

saying IT 嗯 IT is amazing。 How many people don't tell the people that they love, that they love them, right? And I hadn't occurred to me. It's because they never were told that themselves yeah. And that I might feel force or not authentic.

wow. yeah. And that's the importance of us learning each other's love languages because, you know, her response was the response of probably many of her generation, which was you have food on the table or you have a room of your ah yes, what more do you want from what .

more um I love also that there is a deeply spiritual aspect to this. So what is sort of the how would do you describe the difference between therapy and spirituality in the work that you need to do in both areas?

That's right. So unfortunately, many people who are in the mental health field did not get trained to incorporate spirituality. There's research that shows, on average, mental health professionals endorse a lower level of spirituality or religiosity than the general public. really? yes.

Why do you think that is?

Well, a part of that can go with higher levels of education. A lot of times, people with education can feel like they need to prove everything and spirituality is beyond our proving or are being able to um to manipulate right that was like it's it's not concrete right? In the field of psychology, the founders in the field were often people of fake.

But then there was this move in the field where we wanted to prove we're a science. So we want to prove that we are science. Then we can talk about anything people find spooky or software, you know, in some other realm.

And so there has been neglect from IT from that area. And the other part of IT has been the recognition that some people have been harmed in spiritual spaces. So then some their peace will over generalize and think that IT is all harmful as supposed to. Whenever ver you get people again, you going to have some good and some bad, some things that are healthy.

You are unhealthy. What is your .

definition of spirituality? IT is an awareness of the sacred beyond what we can see.

Oh, I love that definition. And now that we're on this topic, IT occurs to me. How could you possibly heal without pulling faith? Yes, and a belief that something that you have not experienced is possible .

that at one hundred percent, because I even say, to be a therapist, social worker, life coach, any of these things, you have to have faith. And for people to show up there has to be a faith that there can be more than what I have seen and what I have experienced. It's like when i'm counselling, people have only had unhealthy relationships.

And I have to say, just because this one is Better, does that mean it's good? right? If you would just used a bad treatment, if people I call you back, you're like they call me back like that was nice, but there's .

more how do you combine the spiritual practice with the work to start to heal or as you say, repairing yourself yeah in the physical space.

That's right. So a part of IT is what gives us the motivation to do the work because a lot of times, we're Operating based on evidence, which is what we've seen. So if I ve only had bad experiences, my parents abandoned me.

This person left me. This person is treated me. If I believe that is all that exists, then the conclusion would be, I am unworthy.

I was the only possible right conclusion because victim blaming, self blaming of, if I deserved Better, I would have received Better. And you will hear people blaming other people for being mistreated. You know, they'll say, oh, you must have allowed IT. And so in order for me to come to a different conclusion that I am worthy of what I have not yet experienced, I have to have the belief of the more.

how the heck do you do that yes, your whole life yeah, you have experienced either abuse or a treatment or discrimination or violence. How do you when you have evidence that does make you feel unworthy because i'm sure you get these dms and these emails all day long. So do we yeah of people who so want to believe that they're worthy, that something is Better, that they can change your life for the Better. And you and I can sit where we are in gold course you can, yes, but for somebody who is sitting in the disbelief, yeah, how do you cross over .

right to believe yeah. So it's a couple of levels. One of them is to get people to reflect on what do they believe all human beings deserve?

Well, I believe i'm a chicken and all I see your chicken never seen one.

Yes, yes. So what we connect with is disrupting what we call the cognitive distortions. So it's not a .

word is kind of store. So you're false.

Thought the lies OK the lies you told yourself and allies other people told you. Let me give you an example. O so are for people who were my IT, yes, they either were told directly or and directly that that is their fault, right? That um is because they developed early or it's because they shouldn't have been over there or whatever IT is that somehow that's on you.

And so we have to uh demonstrate that that is a lie. So how do I demonstrate that that is a lie? Does every girl who develops breast early deserve to be molested?

Of course not.

So you are not an exception to that rule.

Oh yeah, I see. Yeah I can see another lie because I A survivor of that kind of abuse yes, it's such .

don't tell .

anyone or you're bit .

in trouble yeah yeah and what I learned about bad ah as a for my own journey is I was taught that keep in quiet and kept the peace until I realized whose peace is IT keeping.

Oh.

right, the offenders at peace, the people who don't want to deal that at peace. And I in this little body and holding all of the war, I don't anna hold IT anymore. wow.

Yeah, you. Know this is what word? You're onna upset things.

You're going to upset people. Nobody wants to hear that. And there is no peace.

Whose peace for you keeping?

Yeah.

you're making IT easy for everybody else as IT slowly, right? Destroying you absolutely.

And often then they're gone. They're doing IT to multiple people over the course of years. This islands gives freedom to for .

to continue. How do you counsel people who in the process of starting to come back home to themselves to stop holding the piece for other people around you? Let's just say it's a relationship yeah where there's alcohol or drugs, you're the one does not saying anything.

So you're keep in the piece for them, right? It's scary. You're gonna have to confront .

things and it's gonna require some losses and some people are not gonna be happy with the new. You people like the silent you. They like to compliant you. They like the door met you who wouldn't like that.

So when you start getting some opinions, start getting your voice and not wanting to do some of the unhealthy things you've been doing, uh, not everyone is gone to celebrate. And that will be important for you to see who wants me whole and who prefers me broken. I will have to start making some adjustments.

And there are a range of ways we can do IT. So like in the work chapter, we say there's one path for if I want to stay on this job and how do I restore myself and there's another path where I need to leave this job. And in relationship with people, whether romantic or otherwise, as some, I will have to end. And so IT will have to be different because i'm different. And uh, there can be a grieving there.

Well, in the book you write about having a job that was very toxic, can you describe what I felt like to walk into work when you're in a toxic environment?

Uh, IT is so uh, stressful in your body, in your mind and that's even before you can do your work, right? Just the sunday .

scaling .

driving in. It's it's terrible. So didn't of course, you can't flow in a spirit of excEllence because you're you know battling all of these other dynamics. And so i'd like to encourage people to create a morning ritual so that you show up with your cup already fall.

So can you give us an example?

And so first of all, wake up before you have to get up. Okay, what does that mean? That means don't let you're alarm for the time you've to jump out a bit and jump in the shower because now you've already started your day frantic, yes.

So and i'm going into a toxic place already feeling anxious. okay. So you want to wake up a little bit earlier and then figure out what are the practices that would nourish me for some people that will be listening to music, i'd like to say.

And every season of your life come up with your theme song, yeah. So your theme song will get you in the right mindset. Are doing some stretching next to the bed body movement exercise. Some people go for early morning walk, so then the R T feel settled and slow down. A meditation and our prayer, reading something， uh, inspirational can, and that can kind of create the metro for your day.

Why is this matter? You know, because because when somebody y's like, you have no idea, I have this abusive boss and these jokes that I work with and I can't quit. I've got bills to pay.

Don't sit here, doctor tam, and tell me that I should, I should freaking stretch. Go for a walk. Are you crazy? Woman, why does this matter?

I want to introduce you to the part of you that is not an employee. You are more than your labor.

Oh yeah.

So if we send our full session every week on your boss, then all you are is your bosses worker and there is a you beyond your boss wow.

Is that true about being .

in a bad relation to yeah that are they they consume a lot of your energy and time, but you were a person before you met them. And whether this continues or not, you're going to be a person and we want to meet that person, we want to nourish that person because there is more to you than what they see. And a part of what they're responding to is they see the vastness of you and don't like in I have .

one question I forgot to ask you, yes is somebody is thinking I really should look into therapy. What advice you have about finding a therapies? Yes, about resources for people who cannot afford a therapist .

yeah for those who don't have access to care. Um I encourage you to look up your local universities that have actual programs. They have training clinics which are less expensive.

I didn't hit the but a dar suggestion.

So in L A I teach A P pardie university. We have a community clinic and it's a sliding scale. You may have an advanced doctoral student who has work you know with clients and they're under supervision.

So you're not just out there. And then a big one is community care and community programing. So a lot of places, uh for example, the association of black, they provide a online kind of drop in virtual groups. Um the american psychological association has on our website a lot of different resources and self help tips of the american psychological association also has a podcast where they cover uh a number of different topics. So the resources are there excEllent.

And as always, we will link to all of them and to doctor brands brand new, beautiful, life changing mastery book homecoming, overcome fear and trauma to reclaim your whole authentic self, you and every therapy session and every chapter of the book the same way. And you also end every episode of the homecoming podcast the same way. So I would love to have you to invite you yeah to end our conversation with IT .

beautiful. I invite your soul to tell your heart, mind, buddy and spirit. Welcome home.

Um doctor came up. Brian, you're a gift from god to .

all of us. Thank you so much. And I want each of you who are listening to know you're worthy of the journey home. Thank you so much for having me and helping all of us to be the light post along the way to get each other home.

That curtain a that is such a beautiful vision, helping all of us to be the light posts along the way to get each other home. That's why I always remind you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a Better life and find your way back home to yourself .

beautiful.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented soly for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. stitcher.

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