How to Have the Best Sex of Your Life: Surprising Ways to Make Sex Better Even if You Are Tired, Single… or Not in the Mood
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Here's a cool way you can help shop at maces november first through december twenty th, and you round up your purchase in store and donate to big brothers big sisters online shop at maces docotor A H red male, and welcome to the male Robin's broadcast. Okay, before we jump in to our conversation today, I wanna start by giving a huge shadow to my therapy to a woman named and devin. This episode was inspired by a conversation that he and I were having a couple weeks ago where we were on the phone and I was in the middle of a therapy session, and I said, I said no.

And one of the things that I really like to work on in my life is my sex life. I would love to have a break through with my husband, Chris, and here's the deal. I feel so connected to him.

Thankfully, I am very attracted to him. But if i'm honest, i'm just not that satisfied with our sex life. And the truth is neither is he.

I mean, we've men together twenty nine years, so we both have our moves. We know what to expect. We'd both like to be having more sex and not feel so tired.

And I would also like to think that I could make this next chapter of my life the best sex of my entire life. I mean, wouldn't be awesome if you know that on the road ahead of you is the bad sex is the most pleasure. And so here's what my therapy stand, devan said.

Well, you got to reach out to Emily Morris. So I like Emily Morris, who is Emily Morris. SHE is a doctor, amy. She's been hosting the hit podcast sex with Emily for almost eighteen years.

And so guess what everybody thank you and devin because I reached out to doctor Emily and doctor Emily is here and not only as SHE hosts that hit podcast sex with family, he is A P. H. D.

And human sexuality SHE is the one of most respected and cited sex experts in the world. Her new book is smart sex had to boost your sex I Q and own your pleasure. And you and I we have an appointment with her today and don't you worry is is not onna get embarrassing because I am gonna first, I am your friend.

I'm the loud mouths embarrassing one. I'll ask all the questions that you're afraid to ask. And I will share way more information about my sex life with my husband, the brother you or he is control with.

Here's why, because i'm on a mission to help both you and me create a brand new relationship and amazing chapter with our sexual health and pleasure period. You and I deserve more pleasure in our life. And what I love of a doctor, Emily, is that he says Better sex isn't about complicated positions or messy love or getting kinky, unless you're in to that kind of stuff.

Doctor Emily says Better sex is really about your relationship with yourself, because great sex begins by taking responsibility for the fact that you're responsible for your own sexual pleasure. In order to prepare for the conversation with doctor Emily today, I first talked to my husband, Chris, and I asked him for permission to speak openly about what is missing in our sex life other than sex. That's a joke.

And Chris graciously said, ml, if IT is gonna add to Better sex, you can talk about whatever the hell you want. But I also reached out to all of you. I wanted to note, do you have questions? Would you like to have Better sex, more pleasure in your life? Of course you do.

Do you feel like it's been so long since you've had sex? You can barely spell the word sex. Of course you do.

You're not alone. Whatever questions you have, whatever desires you have, whatever shame you feel, whatever hanging ups your holding and secret. I'm telling you, there are other listeners around the world that are dealing with the exact same thing.

And I know this because within twenty four hours, thirty five hundred of you sent questions. This is why we need this conversation today. You and I need to bring more pleasure or more fun and more confidence into our lives and into the bedroom and into our sex life.

And doctor Emily is gone to show us how. So please help me welcome doctor Emily to the mall Robin's podcast. Doctor, hello.

male Robin. I'm so excited to talk to you.

I am so excited to finally meet you and to talk to you as well to spend a long time common.

I feel that I do awesome.

Well, as a woman who's been married for twenty seven years, I feel like my sex life could use a robot. It's not that there's anything wrong with IT per say, but I just feel like at any moment in time, any one of us is capable of creating a brand new chapter around our sexual health, around sexual pleasure. And that's why I wanna ask you.

well, I think this is A A great conversation to have. Um just say, you know that's completely Normal and typical that most people in a relationship could use a little tune up when IT comes to their sex life. And it's funny about because you know if you think about other areas of our life, we want to optimize our hell and we start lifting weights and doing cold plans. I know you did sa, but we sex, we kind of in the dark literally, and we don't really know what to do to make IT a little bit more interesting and viBrant. So we'll certainly get into all of today.

Well, I want to bring in the listener because they are are kind of co pilot. On this episode, I asked five million of our instagram fans, do you want to create a new chapter in your sex life? And what would that look like? And so I want to read some of them to you.

dr. Tr, Emily hutton, steamy, just feeling like having sex would be a good new chapter. How can I be more in the mood and wanna do IT more adventures? No reminder of being a mom.

Feel great about my flappy by having sex in public without getting caught, less banks, more fire, having more passionate sex. I mean, we've got pages and pages safe and calm that once in a while would be with a person rather than a toy sold connection. My husband could be more active and enthusiastic about seducing me to do things, no judgment, feeling comfortable, spicy, passionate or even some kink, a twist of humor.

Build a connection where the partnership has been distant. Feel sexy with the light on. Build fun connection. I'd like to feel safe and be able to express myself. I'd like to get out of my head and communicate my desires.

I'd like to have great sex period, because at the end of every day, I feel out touched, out and out done. I'm too tired. Can we create a new chapter despite all of these things that so many of us field doctor M Y.

absolutely mile. In fact, I think that we're going to dress so many of of your listeners today. And I know that we will be able to create after we all can.

It's all available to us. It's a complete myth that we all believe that great sex happened automatically. We should magically always have great sex and that if we talk about sex, we have to work on sex.

We're going to robot at its magic. So then we go through life thinking like, well, IT should be as wonderful IT was in the beginning because that's why we made, right? That's why we pick a partner, because we have this really mr.

New relationship energy in the beginning of a relationship and then we gent to relationship and where, you know, we know that something off, it's not as interesting as IT was, maybe we want something different from our partner, but we don't know how to talk about IT. We don't want to ask for IT. And when we look around, there's not a lot of great information and then a lot of us just decide to remain silent and we silently suffer through really disappointing, not pleasure sex.

And so that's really my mission is to make sex easier to talk about, to Normalized that. We're all having these chAllenges that mean your listeners were so articulate and vulnerable and real about IT. But that is more common than not before. In a long term relationship, we're going to have some chAllenges.

and we want to keep IT hot.

Well, I also want to pull in all of you are single because you're writing into saying, how can I be self expressed and feel safe when i'm having sex as a single person? How can I get rid of the shame I feel, based on being raised catholic, that sex is supposed to only be enjoyed in marriage? And so one of the things that I saw consistently from all of you who poured in questions and comments about what you wanted out of your sex life and what's holding you back is shame is over thinking, and is the inability to ask for what you want. And so, you know, is that basically what you see, dr. Emily, in your work with people and in the books, that your research, right?

And these three things, stress, trauma and shame, are the biggest killers of our sex life. Our sex drive our Billy to be adventurous and connected. Stress, for example. This is the thing that's always really surprising that we tend to cybersex. We put sex over here, and then we think about our overall health and our wellness and our relationships, but we just kind of think will hopefully like the sex will just, you know, fix itself or it's not really related to everything else going on in my life.

But if we have stress and we've exited in our life, and like, who does IT right? Yeah we somehow think it's stack keeps its way into the bedroom, but we can't live in a state of Spiked cortisol and also live with pleasure like it's really hard when we are in our heads and we're worried and more anxious to also feel arousal and desire, they can see each other out. So until we can find practices to learn to come ourselves and common nervous systems and just address IT.

And i've got a lot of tips in my books, smart sex and in my podcast. I talk about this all the time. So the big number one is stressed, an anxiety. We have to understand that our physical and our mental health directly impact our billing to have pleasure in the bedroom.

Okay, I want you to stop rate there OK, because I think already you are starting to get at really important things that we need to accept this fact in order to really reimagine what role success is playing in your life and what you want out of IT. And I resonate IT with what you said, because I think about in my own situation with my husband, who I love, I am still extraordinary attracted to him.

We are both very much a healthy, sexual loving human beings. We even are sexting, you know, more than we ever had after twenty seven years of marriage. But here's the problem.

I'll wake up. I'll be thinking about him and i'll literally be like, alright, tonight you and me close off. We are having fabulous fucking sex and he's like.

yes and then .

the whole day goes by and Chris climbs in bed first and i'm like, our cinema. And then he falls asleep within five minutes. And by the time I walk in there, i'm freaking exhausted and he's got his eye as gone and his retainer in and i'm about to put mine in and i'm too tired.

And that is the killer of why I just don't feel in the mood, and it's killing the amount of times that we have sex. And so maybe we should start at the top, which is, is there a secret having the best sex of our lives on the road ahead of us? How do we do this doctor family?

absolutely. okay. So first, that is so really able melt that we we think we're going to do IT tonight.

Yes, and we get in bed and we're all exhausted. Okay, with kids, we work. But again, what we're gona get into shortly, like everything we know about sex, we've never learned. If we ever learn anything, it's pretty much untrue, not accurate, not healthy and not really how supposed to have sex.

So we have to trouble shoot here because a lot of couples get into the situation that you do where they think, like we're going to do IT on date night and we're going to do IT at this night. And what I really talk about, as I get people to say what time of day works for you and your partner, really, you have to kind of hack IT. And one of my top tips is scheduling sex.

But in a realistic way in the morning, you are super gun howler like we're going to do IT tonight. And then, you know, the day gets ahead of you. You could say to your house, we priorities sex.

We think it's important. So let's take the time to figure out maybe it's saray mornings. Maybe it's like we know the kids are out. We is before work out and before lunch, we're going to do IT on saturday.

And then the beautiful thing about scheduling sex is you don't have this guilt on wednesday evening and then thursday when IT didn't happen, because you know that it's gonna be sunday morning, or whatever time you decide is the optimal time for both of you to have sex. I found in relationships was usually a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner. And you the lower desire partner does kind of hold the power in the relationship because they're the ones that's deciding when the next thing to happen.

And so so if that's the case, just having coverage in, listen, I know that I want to you. I don't want you to feel bad and rejected, because eventually the person is always initiating starts to feel that they are not desired. There's something wrong with them.

They're partner in, no longer finds an attractive. We create so many stories in our head because we don't really want to say to our partner, hey, can I check a story with you? I've been feeling like you really not in the mood lately.

And so we're going to get in some tips about that. But but really, it's just about being practical, being realistic and melt hears. The thing is that most couples believe that sex is sort of this magical thing that we don't really understand. We're going to close our eyes in the dark and hope for the best, because we don't really understand arousal, desire, what has to be in place for the sex to happen. There's so many factors melt like we don't like for me if my house is freezing, if the dishes are you know it's still the dishwasher, if p hear the kids in the next room, we haven't taxed at our boss back, like there are so many factors, right? So we just have to really look at and be realistic.

doctor Emily, I am just at my head is spinning. So this would be a great place to hit the pause button. Everybody like just absorb what he is saying.

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Welcome back its red mill Robins. And we are here with doctor Emily, who is renowned sex expert, A P. H.

D. In human sexuality. She's best selling author. And we are talking about how you, yes, you can create a new chapter. The best chapter, I will say, filled with pleasure and enjoying sex in this next leg of the journey called life.

So doctor Emily, I love what i've already taken away, which is it's nearly impossible to get yourself into a higher arousal state if you're in a stress state right now. And that is a really big takeaway. And there is something else that you said that everything that you've been taught or learned or absorbed about sex is basically wrong yeah and so what do we have wrong about sex, doctor amy?

So the first thing that we have wrong is that we should always automatically be turned on and ready for sex when our partner is, and if for not, we are broken. You know. And I I often hear this in my book.

I call many of women, I say volva owners and peace owners because, you know, we all have different car body parts of necessary dictate, know who we sleep with. But this typically goes for women, right? We'll say, like, I am not really ready to go with my partner.

And what we found is there's different ways that we get turned on. There is spontaneous desire and there is responsive desire. Typically, men are like frying pants and women are like slow cookers.

So use the term peace owner, which would be Chris and vulva. I thought you said volvo and I was think the cars we drive that you're talking about the vulture. And can I just a question about the term, please. Why are you saying volva and not vagina?

okay. So that is such a great question. So the volva is the exchange part of the vagina OK.

And that is where the magic happens for so many vovo owners like that's where are that's where we're going to get more rows. We are not going to have the most orgasms from a penis going. Of us are really from anything. Now some women do, but it's only twenty percent. I can have an organism through a penis going.

I just wanted stop there and I know i'm not going to get criticism for intercepting you, but I have to have every single volva owner hear that because I feel like we have been sold a bill of goods that you're supposed to orgasm when there's something inside of you and what you are here to say.

Doctor Emily, as the expert in this area, is that only twenty percent of volvo owners actually have an orgasm when there is something inside of you and that the erectile tissue is on the outside. correct? correct. okay.

Thank you for clarifying. And a lot of them start on the outside. There's a lot of sensitive parts inside.

There are internal catering nerves. We called the jees pot that the magic is an outside. It's like how you feel like warm up, right? If to warm up your car.

I know we're both from group and mission and right, I always think about how you had to warm up your car and scrape the ice off the window before and then you could start driving. So when something just goes inside of us, we're not warmed up yet. We're not turned on.

And I want to go back to the organ thing, but first to finish that, the responsive in the spontaneous. What happens a lot for volvo owners is our partner, who is a spontaneous reaction to seeing us naked or to seeing us in the kitchen, whatever we're doing. And maybe your partner Chris mal gravy and say i'm in the mood and you're thinking I just have sixteen windows up on my computer.

I was about to walk out the door like there is nothing about that is arouse and turn on right now. But sometimes women feeling lets were broken and we should do something. We act, we ask and we say, okay, let's get to IT right then how the sex goes down is usually the partner like, okay, well, i'm turned on, i'm corrupt.

I spontaneous ly had the direction and i'm going to put that inside of you. And we're going to have sex for seven minutes until I have an orgasm. So the things that are in true is that thinking that we should have an orgasm every time like our partners, but we have a lot of inaccurate information.

We don't even think to do the research. You know, melt. My career started because I was in my mid thirty thinking, what is wrong with me? Why are N I having orgasms like my partner is, he's always having a good time.

But what's going on with me? And I found there wasn't a lot of information out there. And so I think once we get the accurate information and begala educate ourselves, because, again, there's so much misinformation, what I mean by that value, that we don't require sex education in amErica at all.

Only like seventeen states require sex. And to be medical accurate, if we teached at all. So we're all walking around with, like, you know, misinformation about even how we get turned on and our bodies.

And so you know, like we grew up with movies where you see the man and woman come together and they make out they fall into the bed and they come the same time. And and it's only had our sexual couples we see having sex. I mean, I think it's just also the definition of sex being just based on penetration goes back to you, you know, religion and society.

And we were told that we should only have sex if we want to have a baby. And this is the only position to have sex. You can just see how fraught sex has become and how much, you know, that's just the tip of the iceberg of the information that's really not correct.

okay? You know, we need to do, I think, I think we need to say that this conversation today is going to hit the reset on all of that. And my mission is to ARM us all with the information that you need, that is factual, that is driven by your health and self expression, and by having more connection in your life and more pleasure in your life.

Because, as you were just talking, I was thinking to myself, well, even if you do have sex education, which I believe every human being needs, you're literally learning about the physical piece of IT. You're not learning about the pleasure, the self expression, the confidence, the boundaries, the communication piece of IT. And so pleasure is left entirely out of the mix.

And because we don't talk about our bodies or about sexuality openly in our culture, and this this conversation is going to reach people in one hundred and ninety four countries around the world. Anyone who's growing up where there is a shaming or a should or a set of rules around what's right in your culture verses, you know what you is a consenting adult may want to create for pleasure that is going to make you feel shame. And so what? Let's start with the actual basics, so that we can all, from this point forward, own our relationship with sex and pleasure in our life, whether were single, whether we're married, whether were in our late teens or were nearing our death bed. What is the purpose beyond having babies for having a healthy sex life? And why does that matter?

It's really important to have a relationship with ourselves, our bodies. We can give our bodies like so much pleasure and connection. And so it's really part of our overall wellness, our mental health, our physical health.

And so sex is important because it's like if we're in a relationship, we want to be intentional and conscious. And you know, really giving lovers is why we're wison body romantically. Otherwise we're just roommates.

We have require intimacy and touch to IT. Also, all stuff is really great for a nervous system. And I know with all the shame and misinformation, we sort of our all not really sure what what to do.

We know that it's important, but we don't really know how to make that happen in a way that that feels good. So mastermaid is a huge power called solo sex. And yeah, solo sex is a really important part about being sexually healthy as well.

IT is the most primary relationship. The more we get comfortable, pleasing ourselves and experimenting with what feels good, then we know our turn on what kind of touch we require to get in the mood. It's really creating the owners manual for our own bodies, so then we can share that with a partner.

And I often hear people say, oh, I don't need to master back because i'm in a relationship or or wait till I need a partner. But right now i'm just going to sit home alone and do nothing. And the problem with that is, number one, we tend to associate and sex with a partner we're giving our sexual power away.

Were saying, well, I can't feel any pleasure in my body until I meet somebody that's gonna give IT to me, but I have to with reminders. We are responsible, our own pleasure and our own organism. That number one, number two, we often feel that it's shape.

So we grow up an environment where we were told that, master patient, maybe you're gonna go blind. You're going to go to hell. You're gone to feel bad about touching ourselves. So we have to get over the shame of mastermaid.

And let me to say this whether you're in a relationship or not, because I also hear people in relation to say, well, you know, I don't want my part of a mastermaid master robed IT feels cheating or I hide in the basement. But that third, see why it's important to have a relationship with our bodies in this way is self acceptance. So we're walking around all day and we're not loving our body, sending a negative messages.

I can feel my size rubbing together, i've gained weight, I don't feel sexy and then we're not touching our bodies at all. And then we get into the bedroom with somebody and we're wondering why we can be present. Arrows turned on international.

It's because the negative self talk. So those are some reasons why do you know, very important to connect with our bodies and give ourselves pleasure. You know, IT sexed with somebody we love, and that is ourselves.

So I, I have a lot of tips for that. Two, to get started, to learn, to feel good about IT. I encourage couples to do IT.

you know, together. Okay, let's stay with this. Okay, but I wanted take a quick pause. We need to hear a work from our sponsors who allow us to bring this amazing content to you for free. Let's take a listen when we come back, it's doctor analyst answering your questions and my, don't go anywhere. This episode is brought to by miral with a dedicated moral adviser.

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Welcome back, I mell Robins. I'm here with doctor Emily, the renowned sex expert, and we're talking about how you can have the best sex of your life. And doctor Emily, let's jump back into the topic that we were talking about before the break. So for everybody listening, the access to a brand new chapter in your life filled with pleasure, and the kind of sexual experiences that you want begins with you and solo sex. And for me personally, you know, I just will speak very openly about this.

I'd lost my virginity when I was really on, and I think part of the sort of shame around sex comes from feeling like we were going to get caught, like IT was something that you have to squeakin, and you do IT in secret and nobody can hear you. And I kind of Carry that into college years and law school years. And I was never somebody that understood that masturbation was important.

I didn't know how to do IT when I tried IT in my twice. As lame as that sounds, I actually could not make myself have an orgasm. So I basically just kind of gave up and IT wasn't until I was given my first kind of vibrating thing from my bacher red party that I was like, oh, in a minute, this is easy. Okay, wow, i'm fifty five and there just wasn't the information available like, there is so much shame, so much just secure cy around IT. And I even feel that way about solo sex now like I feel not like i'm cheating on Chris, but like i'm doing something wrong if i'm in our bedroom alone and i'm using one of my vibrating toys and that there's something wrong like I literally wait until I hear his chocolate of the driveway and i'm like, oh, okay, it's okay to do that now I just saw your eyes go wide.

No, I did. Thank you for first off. Thank you for for sharing that milk because it's so first saw, it's so relatable and so combined.

And I was much like, you know, I didn't master beter have an orgasm until I got a vibrator in my mid twenties. There's lita no shame in having a vibrator. Virginals have also been shamed.

Male partners will say, well, I think it's gonna replace me and it's somehow, you know, treating on me or we should just be having IT the natural way, which is Peter scores in vagina. But we've already talked about the bunk that how IT doesn't work. And the glorious thing about having a volver is that we have twelve thousand nerve endings externally and internally in our glitters, our clitter network and melt.

Here's a funny thing. When I was in middle writing my book, Spark sex, just last year for years have been do this for twenty years. I been saying the clitter is eight thousand nerve rings.

We all say that eight thousand got eight thousand nerve innings. The circumcise penis, four thousand come to find out because we've finally are studying women, sexual health and women's bodies. We've got twelve thousand our vendors. So of course, like with a vie brata, IT feels amazing, and more women are likely to orgasm s that way. And the cool thing about that we can get into this, how maybe you and Chris can play together with IT IT could become a really intimate act that couple shared together and actually enhances intimate.

I really think it's important because this is a deep point, everyone, if you don't know how to delete in your body and if you don't know what turns you on, is IT fair to say. You will almost never be able to communicate what you need and what you like with whatever partner you into paving.

Yeah absolutely. Until we understand our own owners manual, what actually feels good and take a mere and look .

between our leg og and all the .

left part of my glitters is more sensitive in the I don't think .

I that really you you could take a look yeah .

it's a way of connecting and then once you do that, you're like, oh, well, well, I notice when I start to stroke my claris, my volva, my libya look, IT becomes more swell. That encouraged IT becomes in gorgeous blood. And that's when you start to see the changes and you like, oh, wow.

And now i'm learning how to give myself an org. What binds you feel good. And so we want to be your own best advocates for everything right in our life. We like stand up to our doctors, our bosses or whatever, but with sex would like you can figure that out.

Yeah, I just call a little up to the right there. yes. Or you're inching them down or you're like I trying to gently position their face in a different direction?

yes. But honestly, I used to believe, ml, someday my prince will come and so lie. That was my model unlike he's going to ride up on a horse and that's one's going to happen until I took IT into my own hands then I was like, okay.

I think it's really important to unpack the discomfort I feel on behalf of everybody .

listening OK.

please, too well, because, you know, when you say i'm down for understanding my body, having solo sex, understanding which side where, what feels good, what doesn't. So I can communicate with Chris. There is something about the idea of watching myself to IT or letting Chris watch me do that. That was a hard no. 嗯， and I don't know what that's about, but it's clearly i'm not the only one that feels that way.

Anybody here in in the studio we see I see i've see IT has raised, but I also have heard a lot of Younger women because i've been around my daughter's friends and they speak very freely about how they tolerate lame sex and how they don't actually know how to ask for what they want. So can we just stay on the solo sex thing for a minute? I think I have hundreds of pages of dms and emails and comments from people talking about the fact that how do I make somebody do this?

How do I communicate what I want? How do I get over the fact that I don't feel like because I don't know what feels good, I I personally feel like this solo sex relationship with yourself is the place where we all have to start. Let's talk about the fact that I don't want to look at the in the miro. I want to turn the lights off. I want Christa drive down the driveway, and I want to explore in the dark and then tell him, hit two o'clock and hit like ten o'clock on clock.

Is so really I love you, don't even your stone, not alone. We should tell time with involved and i'll see that some people don't even know that well, some people don't even know the time in the do so you're OTD everyone feel ill that this is so this is more come I.

I marry twenty seven years. This guy has seen me deliver three children. He help me. I get over the flu. I mean, he has to .

see me at .

my worst. I'm sure he would love IT 呀。 What the fuck? Why am I so inhibited?

Because we don't have any models of this. We tend to glory five male mastering, right? We see the movies. We tend to say like oh, the female mastermaid is like silent. It's like it's wrong. We should not have to do IT makes us like easy slady er whatever that old you know languages but but melt.

If to say there's been some interesting science and research that have shown that when women actually look at themselves in the mere when they are in the state of arousal, when they're pleasure themselves, they actually tend to get more turned out. First off, I I guarantee that could have probably find IT to be the one of the hottest thing he's ever seen as an entire life. And I have that I researched from my last years, over twenty years, like they can't believe that they hadn't done at once.

They do IT. Because here, and what what i'm talking about now was a little bit of metro mastermaid. And this is one of my top tips for couples that I just love because, well, I tell awkward and weird.

And so much of what I do is little get people over the I mean, I would love you to have a conversation with Chris on your next day night because I don't think it's something that you just kind of start doing in the bedroom. I think it's great to talk about IT first. okay. And so we talked .

about like over a salad or some high break this up because we got a lot of questions about this. How do I raise the fact that I want something different or I want to try something when i'm uncomfortable talking about IT? We're going to work .

this into our mutual masturbation with Chris tonight. Okay, so maybe tomorrow.

let's go to time.

So this is the thing. So IT makes sense that everybody asked, how do I get my partner to blanks? That is really one of the top questions I ve formula that people can remember.

IT is the three teeth, and that is timing, tone and turf. And you will use this for any awkward conversation you have around sex. So the first one is timing. And you want to have this conversation when you both in a more per sympathetic state. So you're relaxed, you're at ease.

Date night, let's see them. It's not that night because most people don't have a date night. Let's just start with that. That's also pretty part of the problem because you're not prioritising let's just say you're sitting on the couch, you're related, the kids turn around.

that's perfect. Your self account. I love IT, but I know about date night. I know that most couples don't, but there been so much research that shows that couples who prioritize date night have more pleasureable satisfying sex.

But I know it's another hurdle and it's another thing I got them list, but we all have a couch and we all go for walks perhaps because the next thing is your, is your turf. So the conversation should not happen in the bedroom, believe OK the bedroom. We love the bedroom to be left for sleeping and for sex. So you put a sacred space. The conversations happen outside the bedroom, on the couch, on a walk, on a road trip when you're in the car because that way it's less awkward because you're not making I contact, but it's still intimate.

Oh, I love that. Yeah so plus for trapped, they can go anywhere because in the car with you.

exactly they're trapped to walk in the dog. You're hiking, you're okay. And then our tone is curious and compassionate and open and just saying, you know what?

Hey, Chris, I realized we I ve had a lot of talk about our sex life, and I would love to see what we could start to talk about. IT doctor Emily was on the show to day SHE incurred that everybody has a growth mindset around sex. And I realize this is one area that maybe we could work on together.

We could start to learn some new things. We could start to talk about IT. You know, is that something you would be interested in? So let me say, this male, I got ta warn people, this is that IT might not go well at first, because we don't talk about sex ever.

We don't hear about IT. And so sometimes after twenty seven years, our partner brings IT up. In that way, we automatically assume that we must be doing something wrong, that i'm gonna some negative feedback.

You don't want to be with me. You don't like my body, like all these things going ahead that it's going to be judgment, right? And you have to keep taking IT back to.

This is about us. I want to have more pleasure. You're not doing anything wrong. Let's learn together. So once we get past that and he's like OK ml, i'm down like let's talk about IT, then you could say so we've got the timing, tony turf.

So we've just covered all those and then you could say, you know what you could didn't be honest, i've masturbate when you leave the house, and I think IT would be really hot to masturbate together. What are you could even say on what your masters ation practice like? Do you know what this is? Like me.

I have no idea because he doesn't do IT in front of.

okay. So I guarantee you he's doing IT maybe .

in the shower. And the bit yy IT wired I just keep me, is truck he's leaving.

going down the drive way and parking down the street in during your house.

You could be together. Why are we so embarrassed about this?

Because we don't have experiences people talking about IT because when IT is were hamed and you think that there's some magical fairy dust, unicorn, rainbow thing that just gonna make IT magical and feel good, but that's not how sex works.

okay. So here's what i'm taking away so far, which I think is really important for everybody. Number one, IT has really hit me like a sledge hammer. How profound IT is that? We just expect sex to magically happen and actually be good and pleasurable.

And two, that if you think about every other area of your life, whether your single or you're dating or you're in a committed partnership, we talk about everything from finances to your kids, to who's walking the dog, to where we're going out, to dinner, to this, to that, to the other thing, to what's you need pair cache. I am going to them all like everything, and we don't talk about this other than do you want to do IT and and even somebody like me who I have a really great fucking marriage, we go to therapy. We work on IT.

And yet it's not translating to a more frequent and robust sex life. I feel very, very deeply connected. decrease. And this is an area of our marriage. We would both say we do not prioritize IT, and we both wish I would be more frequent IT would be more adventurous, IT would be Better. And I love that.

Your point is, if you expect to change this and have the best sex of your life on the road ahead, which you can, number one, you have to lose the shame around solo sex. You have to learn and be responsible for your own sexual pleasure, which you will never know how to do if you're waiting for your partner to do IT for you. And so IT is a Mandate for all of us to take this seriously. What do you do when you feel like the desire isn't even there, whether it's because of maniac or trauma or stress that the label s gone and you don't even feel the desire for IT? How do you overcome that?

First, I want to say that it's okay if you don't have desire. And I hear from metaphors, perimeter pause, but even I hear from women in their twice, all the time who are like, I don't wanted anymore. I wanted beginning and I don't want IT what I realized after all these years melt everyone want to quick fix to get in the mood.

You're like I what's wrong with me? I'm not in the mood. Tell me one thing, they're OK after me.

What's the position? What's the thing I can say? What's the thing? Vibrate, quick fix. They all like I send you package vibrator, really help.

Today we have those that all these factors are going to contribute to our ability to have pleasure, to feel desire and be turned on. And we have to hack them. I created these pillars of sex. I Q, sexual intelligence I call up.

Tell us what the pillars are OK to having great sex in increasing our sexual self sex. I Q, what are the five pillars?

So the first pillar is embodiment. So embodiment is the practice of being present during sex. And the option of embodiment is, and I am, I had too much, and I disassociate their exacts, and I in naked with my partner, and i'm thinking about that email that I didn't send to my boss, about my size, look in the bedroom that I should probably turn off the lights.

And am I doing this right? So embodiment and my present and my breathing, and I connect to my partner. So then we have our health, and that is our mental health and our physical health.

Now we think about our physical health. Are we moving our bodies that do exercise and reading foods that make us feel good? These are all going to contribute to our ability to be aroused, turn non have the right amount of blood flow.

Then we have to talk about the big thing here is is medications. There are so many medications mall that are going to impact our ability to have orgasms to be, it's gonna kill our lobe to. And these are, and I depressed S S R.

Eyes, blood pressure medications, the birth control pill, okay, could all contribute tor ability to not be aroused and turnout. And we don't tell ourselves that if we've had trauma, we need to go to therapy. Most people have had trauma, and I might just talk in sexual trauma, big tea trauma, little tea trauma.

We have a way of coping that doesn't allow us to feel safe in our body and present. We're going at a hard time getting rose turned on and feeling desire. Then we have collaboration. And this is really, how well do I collaborate with my partner and communicate my needs and let them know. Let me know what my turn ons are.

What feel good do I understand our sexual dynamics, our energy? Do I understand what I need? And do I talk my partner about IT? Or do I shame about IT? Have we remain silent around IT? The next one, the fourth piller of sex, I Q, is self acceptance.

This is a big one. Ml, this is confidence. Do I feel good in my body? Do I accept my body where IT is today?

I get that it's no longer what IT once was. It's always changing. Do I accept IT? And then the fifth one is self knowledge.

Do I know what turns me on and do I know what turns me off? I have a desire inventory in my book, smart sex. I can help people understand this.

And actors, because most of us had zero clue what what we like, but we don't like because we've never talked about IT or thought about IT. So those are the five pillars in all of them in the bedroom with you every time you're having sex, and they all matter. I work on this as well.

You don't get to a place where you check IT off. And I am sexually intelligent. It's a life long process just like our health, right? So these are just all the things i'm going to go to that we should be mindful of that are all contributing to us being .

sexually healthy. And well, can you give us some tools or strategies for getting out of your head when you're being intimate with somebody else 呀？

A big one here is breathe. Our breath anchors us in the present moment. If be you're comparing to five or six and then you can freeze and do a little tiger, maybe I won't to do that with us right now we count five and the cao is those pen and women can do them too.

I just wanted, say all gender. Get to do cargo. It's the the peace stopping muscles.

We stop and start the flow of you're n when you're doing this exercise um and you want to be more connected to your sexual energy. So we can do that right now. So we take A T breath in. One, two, three, four, five, do the squeak cargo and then release one, two, three, four, five, six and hopefull.

You'll feel a little little bit of distorting .

something between your legs there. You're feel like you're getting, you're wakening, you're collecting and you can do that many times as you need to to feel grounded, pleasurable and stoke your pleasure.

And then just sort of a ground and ground in your body. You can do this with the partner you can do with with yourself. There's a lot about breath working in my book that's not sexy, but really a lot of us holding our breath dering sex and we're not present and we're not.

So I even with my partner sometimes, I mean, I practice, I I got know I really not grounded right now that can we breathe together. And there's nothing like looking into your partner's eyes, taking a few d breaths and resettle. And then you just find that now we're on the same page.

We are in this together. A lot of us do this shallow breathing. Maybe we learned important like we think that's what feels good.

But really, when you learn deeply, feel your breath, move through your body, you find that that when you feel more connected to your sexual energy, who you are as a sexual being, another quicking man, like, really easy. If you don't want to breathe your partner, you actually don't wanted to know you. So destructed is I focus on my five senses.

When you are present in your senses, you can be in the past. You can't in the future. You have to be there.

So I would like, what am I seeing? I'm seeing my partner's hot body. What am I feeling?

My hands on their shoulder. What am I smelling? Oh, that vanilla candle always like we have sex because that ankers me and sex. So I, all of these things in the environment, that and terms have to do that a few times during sex. But IT completely ruins IT brings you back to the moment I love that tip.

especially the deep breath in and the kiko IT just moves the shopping list raight out of my mind and brings you right. And i'm serious though, because I know the number of people that wrote in both about label and the lack of a label, which you just addressed by basically saying, just like exercise, you don't feel like exercising, but you set yourself up to do IT.

The way to deal with a low libido is to set yourself up to do IT without waiting around to feel like IT and understand that that is something that will be in your way until you make a commitment to make this a priority in your life. And you realized that by scheduling IT, by creating more intimacy in your life, by having solo sex, so that you are in touch with what really makes IT pleasurable for you. You were starting to take the steps to push through the fact that you have a little label um I would also love to talk about because you've mentioned IT a few times. What exactly is an ordered m okay.

And orgasm is essentially the most flexible muscles bason. So it's a point of where we 查克 吧， rosal and blood flow and we started to get turned on, right. And then at the point at the platow, at the point of orgasm, we have a released in our body and we have to feel that through our genitals.

And that's what an orgasm is, is really a spasm in our body. Now there's a lot of different kinds of orgasms, but basically, IT is the height or the peak of sexual arousal, where the bodies gonna release a lot of pressure and a lot attention. And you're going to have pleasure in your gentle's and throughout your body.

Is IT true that you at twenty three orgasms .

in one night IT is IT was actually a long day IT was IT was a way with a boyfriend. But IT is true.

Can we talk about that? Is that even healthy? Like.

well, well, it's funny to ask that because there's a wonderful thing about having a volva. Being a one of these volva owners here is that we are built for pleasure and orgasm. In fact, we have something.

This refectory period is the amount of time that you can go from having an orgasm to having another orgasm. Us is very short, so the majority of women can have multiple arms. Again, don't know information about if you've got a penis, you a factory period a little bit longer.

And as we get older, sometimes you ve got to wait twenty four hours, maybe you got to wait a week. No, but IT takes a little bit longer. And it's not just our jets like our nipes.

We can have orgasms, ms, in a lot of different ways that, again, we don't often celebrate or prioritize our center on female pleasure. And so I was away with a partner, and I brought, like, my toys and my lobs, and we were playing around, and I just started to count. And I was doing all the things, you know, some was with him, someone with no fingers and mouse and toys and just water, and we were just haven't fun. And I and I ended up having twenty three. We are counting holy then I was definitely .

time for dinner. Yes, i'd say, um how can you switch up your energy for what you call hot sex and what is hot sex?

Well, hot sex is is really subjective. In a way, I would define hot sex as consul mulally, pleasurable sex, where everyone's communicating and having a good time and feel safe, cherished, adored and high.

That sounds pretty hot. And how do you switch up the energy, whether you're in a header, sexual same sex relationship, committed partnership or a safe one night stand, talk to us about the importance of energy .

OK .

exchange with your this is where I .

think for some people who feel that they are not sexually as connected anymore, just feels like friends or whatever. So I want to to talk to here about a concept about energy. And my book, I talk about the masculine energy and the feminine energy.

We all have masculine and energy and feminine energy within us, whether it's two men, two women, wherever the combination is. And so there is something about sexual polarity to the feminine energy is is more nurturing. It's more it's more um supportive.

It's it's creative, it's more fluid and the masculine is more purpose directed. It's like I getting shit done. I have a mission.

I'm going to go right. I think now we might be some on this way, but I live a lot in my massacre energy. I am a woman in the world was very independent, and i've got a lot going on.

And I live in my masking a lot. And so do obviously my partner is masking for me personally, and for many people, I think, to feel the most to be receptive to energy into sex, I need to be more of my feminine energy. yes.

And i've had to learn to tap into that and what that bills like. And to cultivate that, I have to allow my partner to feel like he can sort of bring the energy he can initiate. Not that I don't always initiate, but I need to feel more grounded.

I take a bath, I do breath work, I move my body, I dad, I create something, even if it's in my bedroom. I do something that can wash off the day, so I can start to move my body and feel more present and connected. And that is the state of energy now in some relationships.

And then my partner needs to feel more like when I realized when i'm bringing more of my feminine, i'm breathing, i'm just moving them, talking slower, i'm moving a different way that he starts to react with his energy. And then we know that then the attraction starts to build. And so IT gives him space to take up his masculine, when I more in my feminine, is dropping .

into that type of energy for yourself, something you can do to increase your chance of having an orgasm tonight.

Absolutely, if you can learn to cultivate that energy, because remember, sexes energy, orgasm is energy. And and I am telling you about the thing that has been the most useful for me is remembering to is is breath work and meditation and letting the day fold because if I just get into sex without any of that, like it's not going to happen.

And so when I mean my family, which is when I feel the most sexual and arouse and turn on, I absolutely will have more orgasms. I'll have more pleasure. I also want to remind people, though, that the goal I know i'm talking about about orgasms, but it's important to remember that orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex.

What is IT could be connection IT could be IT could be experience intimacy. So I think a lot of times, yes, orgasms are amazing. But even when we don't center sucks on orgasm, we find that we might actually have more because we're more constantly tly thinking about is gonna have, as is going to happen a lot of time.

IT doesn't happen. So true if we all took a moment and we thought about what we know to be true about the most memorable time you've had sex, even if they just one or two, really, that was really hot. I'd like to think of that as our sexual DNA.

There's a lot of information in there like, oh, it's because I just come from yoga class. It's because we are on vacation and we had this beautiful sexual experience. The kids had just left for collagen IT was the first night we .

were empty nesters. You say that a lot of us really get IT wrong when we start to ask for what we want. Can you tell us some things not to do when you, because i'm thinking right now for the women or all the owners that are listening, that when you start to realize, oh, that makes lot of sense.

I A crackpot on a slow cooker. IT takes a while for the heat to come up. And what's missing in my partnership and in my sex life is any kind of four play, any kind of stimulation on the skin, any kind of warm up whatsoever.

And I don't know how to even ask for that. Yeah okay. The first .

thing is we talked about timmy tone in turf. We've a borda decided with our partner that we're going to start to have some conversations about our sex life so we can have more pleasure, have a growth mindset, continue to grow as a couple again in Spark tax. I've got so many like I litter, have a whole chapter that's just scripts because I know mell that this is so hard that people are now going.

Yes, I wanted to let my partner know, but how do I do IT? So one way you could say the compliment so much is basically, you got two couples. This is the bread, and the me of IT is your request.

So I want to say, you know what? And start with something positive. I really loving are the last sex we had. I really loved how we slowly made out that was really hot, that when you're kissing, I thought I was really great.

I realized we having missed in a while, and then you could say, and i've noticed something, i've learned something about myself, that making out and foreplay and touch is a really big part of my arousal process. And then you close to IT. And I feel like if we could do more of that kissing and slowing down, more oral sex, playing with my toys, that I know that we both have more pleasure, and that would really, really benefit our sex life.

So how would you feel about that? And then you have to listen. Now again, I can't say this.

Nothing right. What do you mean a lot times the one fighter flight now perhaps they're on the defensive. You've never talked about there.

Like, oh, let's go.

Yeah some might be like like but some hopefully to like a well, here you're think tell me more about that. We have to remember that we don't want to be defensive, we want to listen and then we just explain. And given the facts, I know that you know because again, mal for play is not just the lights injustice. It's actually a requirement. Like let me remind you that there that if you have a volvo, it's gonna a take you between twenty and forty minutes of orgasm.

typically with a partner. What what hold? I want to make sure everybody volvo owners are not just heard that were slow cores. And on average, we're talking twenty minutes of a ousel.

And I like these terms because it's making me understand my body and it's making IT less about what you do, what I do, that this is literally how my body and my sexual system works, that a rosal is a massive part of IT. And if you're partners like game time and you're like, wow, wow oh wow, I need twenty minutes to really get the the arousal engine going. That's not unique to you if you are evolved owner.

And it's important that we all understand that and embrace that fact. And look, you I know we're now going to get all kinds of emails from me like I can get aroused in one minute. plant. Okay, great. Congratulations on shipment metal.

But for the rest of us, embracing this and being able to not feel shame around IT, and I like what you said, how do you feel about that? How does that sound to you that that's the way you serve up the sex compliment sandwich that you then ask them how they're feeling. And that conversation in of itself, if you start to talk about IT, probably begins a little arousal.

yes. Now that's the thing, is that once we get over all this stuff that holding us back, couples are going to find that they actually enjoy talking about sex. I mean, look like you plan your sum of vacation, your planning, we're going to dinner and lets play their sex.

I love that. Um what about a script for someone who has been in a relationship that has not been having sex for a long time? And as a sex therion, what is a lot what do you define as a Normal healthy amount of sex that doesn't include penetration? Everybody we're talking about actual moments of consensual pleasure with one another. How often should we be shooting for in order to have a healthy sex life, doctor amy?

So i'm not able to give you a number. I can be prescriptive here. People always wanted know this is in my Normal. We have sex one time the week. Is that OK at three times we?

So first I want to say in your relationship, you both get to decide what feels good for how many times a week. And then we find that sometimes those numbers don't match up. It's not enough for one partner.

It's too much for the other partner. This is where IT takes some kind of some negotiating, some compromise. I would say that overall, once a week feels pretty good to a lot of couples, and that seems to be a common once a month, not usually.

I don't think that, that has great. And for talking about even just intimacy and connection and touch, I don't believe that that's enough time for many. I think that we need to find out other ways to connect. But again, I don't like being prescriptive here because couples like we do with every ten days and it's great and we feel wonderful and that's great. But again, people are asking me usually because they have as as that is not enough for someone not as satisfied.

What do you say to somebody who hasn't had sexy years with their partner? How do you even bring that up?

So again, using my timing tone and terrify, just say, hey, I say it's time we we talk about let's talk about us that we okay with that. I know it's been a long time that's come by and IT doesn't feel good to me or IT does feel good to me.

And really, if the goal of that is to reconnect sten, we get married to someone and we commit to somebody, there are sort of the unspoken agreement that we're going to continue to be intimate, like you can opt out of your sex life, right? I I mean this in list without talking about IT. Certainly.

I think a lot of people do. I think a lot of people stop having sex for whatever reason. They pissed off. They have trauma, they stressed out all of this stuff. You go through body changes and you suddenly are embarrassed by the way you game. Or your libido hits the sheet, like most of us in maniatis yeah and then of a sudden you look up and you're like, holy shit, spent three months .

yeah I mean.

Christ, I have gone through a period where we didn't have sex for several months. And you know, I look back on the times when that happened, it's when we were really struggling financially or in a lot of stress. And I thought about IT all the time.

There must be something wrong with us. Will we ever have sex? Is he not that interested in me, like all of that stuff? But I think IT becomes easy to opt out of having sex. And so how do you prove that for real in your relationship? Because there are a hell of a lot of people that wrote in about IT.

okay. Now that's a great I lad. You thank you so much for lecteur your real authentic vulnerability and stories because I also want to say this, there is no sex police.

No one's going to knock indoors. I heard you has have sex in three weeks. What's happening over there is going what you so it's okay that you're not having sex like literally mons golby is very, very common, okay for couples. But what's missing from that is saying, hey, boy, I am acknowledging that right now I don't weren't not being intimate and I just think i'm we're going through stuff and not to grant my body my horror's are to wake that feeling great and we're going to this money thing. So let's just know, maybe we should like that we could do some cuddling, or maybe we could just do some tollit just acknowledging a ml.

I am had this vision that if you were to find the courage after listening to this to go to your significant other and be the one that just calls IT out loud, that you're just gonna say out that we're not having sex IT makes me very sad. I would love to talk about IT. I would love to connect with you that you're kind of hitting day zero on a new chapter because you're actually no longer ignoring IT.

You are doing what doctors says we all have to do, which is we have to be responsible for our own sexual desires being met. And that begins by having the courage to say they're not being met and that IT bothers you and that you want to do something about IT. I'd love to pit and talk about core desires, which is a huge concept in your book.

When IT comes to taking responsibility for pleasure in your life, can you talk about what a core desire is? And I read that our best sex begins with a childhood experience. What does that mean?

Okay, there is gun jack morn in the seventies. He's arted talking about this hearted, looking at desire. And he start looking at what is actually turn ons, what's going on, our minds and our fantasies.

There's probably something that we want to feel during sex. Maybe we want to feel adored or worshipped or beautiful, or we want to feel some more transgressions. Maybe we want to feel we've some fantasies about being like spanked or being a bad person, or bad girl, bad boy.

And a lot of IT does stand from our childhood. For example, perhaps we grow an environment in our family where we felt we didn't have a lot of attention, our needs were injured. Maybe we are mostly neglected.

So when IT comes to sex, what makes us feel rose and feel safe is, you know, when I fantasised, or I think my partner, I want them to spend time sort of worship in my body and giving me praise. So that could come from something that happened our childhood. Another thing to look at this, let's say, we, you know, we want to feel fully accepted during sex.

We want to feel like safe and accepted. Now perhaps we have this fetish that we often, again, conflict. That's another word, fantasy and fetish.

A fantasy is like a nice to have, like a something that you think about. Like I really love fantasizing about three sums. That's like a common one for men and women in america.

Like three subs groups. Like like it's very common, but we don't nothing needed to happen. But we like IT to fantasy about IT or really like a fetish is actually a requirement for rusal.

So unless I see feet like, I will not be turned on and be able to have an orgasm or any sex. So let's just quick side note, fantasy and fantasy. I never knew that yeah.

I tend to use them a little bit different. So in court, desires are not wrong, right or wrong. They really just are. They just are.

So what comes to mind when you think about for people to think about this, if you think about the hottest sexual moment you've ever had, how did you feel emotionally? What was going on in that moment? What was happening? Did you feel, you know, what would you humiliated? But you feeling worship desired.

And so that's what you can kind of start. And so the feelings that turn on you on the most tend to be your core desires. IT was another way to kind of think about, had to open this conversation so you can learn to be your best sexual itself. And so let's .

just say that your core desire is being cherished or cared for or worships some of the words that you just used. How do you translate that into creating the best chapter of sexual pleasure in your life?

So you will tell your partner, I realize that I love to feel cherished at the door during sex. So maybe we could have a night where we, you know, like some candles. I love massage candles.

Mother there like a regular candles. You like them for like twenty thirty minutes, and they go out in port, out in your partner and don't do this with a regular canal. But IT turns into the most luxurious warm massage oil is just the heat.

IT feels amazing. You could take itis, would love to have a netware. We like the candles, and you missed ge my body. And we really spend time and you could tell me all the things that you like, love about my body, and maybe what you're seeing in the moment. You know, that could be a way that, sexually we want to be cherri shed IT. Could also be you surprising you with a decade meal at your favorite five star restaurant, they knew that I was your favorite restaurant, your favorite meal, which made you feel loved and nurtured, that eating this was a date night. Then you you know sex because you are feeling relax and you're a feeling taking care of.

I want to ask you some rapid fire questions from our audience. We asked our audience if you had five minutes with one of the world's leading sex experts and doctors, what would your question base to doctor Emily? Here's one. How can I orgasm more? Being brought up catholic girl who was taught sexes for marriage.

masturbation and have a solstice practice where you practice mindful mastermaid. And every time we are having to thought, you go back to the feelings that you're having in your body and you learn to give yourself pleasure, weep. Pleasure is our birthright. We are all deserving a pleasure.

Dr, or or Emily am going through divorce. It's been two years since i've sex. I'm scared to jump into the dating pool. I was married for thirty years. Where do I start?

First, you start with knowing that you need to take some time when you're ready. I would say, don't you don't force yourself to god and start dating million people? You want to start having connections with people.

You need to have the practice of dating, of flooding, of being out there. I would say you're looking for a day is not sexual advice. This is just say yes to every invitation you get.

Like even those neighbors that you think are a little bit weird and you don't actually wanted hang out them. They might have some friends that you like get into the practice of connecting with people around you if you can find someone that you connect with again. And I don't like me, this shows all about mystery ration. But we have to keep our pilot lid and is important for you to connect our sexual energy with yourself and not just wait for someone to come along and flip the switch.

Doctor, amy, i'm single. I've been sober for a year and i'm timid to have sober sex. How do I get over this feeling? Um that's really.

really common people who often becomes so we realized the alcohol was a crush and that's the only way they've been sexual. So first, compassion to yourself. You're learning new skills that lots of self love here and compassion and just go slow and find partners that you feel safe with that you can let them know that hates been a while.

And this is a new chapter. This, my sex life is starting right now, and I want to go slow, and I want to be able to communicate, and i'd love to, like, make out and started to feel comfortable gun. And I want to to be OK for me to like, stop and start. And and I think IT really, all of this is about being honest and open, an authentic, where we are in your journey, and to also take .

the pressure off yourself. beautiful. This is a really interesting question. Why can I not handle how good IT feels? And I always have to stop in the middle of sex?

This person could really benefit for some from deep breath work and allowing the the feeling to move, move through their body. This could be a few things. This could come from shame doing like you are actually not supposed to have pleasure, and from losing control.

So maybe they feel the orgasm is coming up in their body and they're so afraid of what they are gonna look like, what it's going to sound like. They actually don't know what up. And so IT feels so good, but it's a lot of control, feeling.

think.

and maybe it's little shame. So one hundred percent practice on your own, letting that feeling move through you so you could have an orgasm and you know what IT feels like and then you'll be able to let go with a partner more easily.

I um have a tony questions about past trauma, whether it's religious trauma and how IT impacts your ability to enjoy IT or sexual assault trauma or childhood trauma. What should somebody that knows the past trauma is inhibiting their ability to experience more pleasure and feel safe with sex? What are the steps that they need to take specifically?

Well, the first step is acknowledging that you've had trauma and it's something that you you know haven't had the opportunity yet to explore. The impact is how on your life, you're sex life. You probably know maybe somethings happen, but here's a thing that would traumas that a lot of us just think that as time passes or we just bury IT, it's gona go away.

But unfortunate becomes a more exacerbate over time, like whatever we resist persists. I highly recommended if you've had trauma of any kind, but in particular sexual trauma that you get into some therapy and a huge fan of em D R therapy, I movement desensitization reprocessing. Um you can do IT online.

Now this is A A therapy that helps you reward your brain, the neuroplasticity, our brain. We can really require our brains in this way. You using this kind of therapy.

What are some simple signs based on your a experiences, doctor Emily, that unresolved past from is impacting your sex life. Because I don't think a lot of people, unless it's sexual trauma, realize how past trauma and however it's impacted you in a moment of a ousel, you're losing control and your old coping mechanisms can kick in. So what might someone be experiencing in the bedroom that could signal that there's an underlying issue with trauma that's impacting their ability to fully express themselves and be open with their partner .

of themselves? So there's a few ways that a few things that might happen, behaviors that might signal an underline trauma, and that might be this association. So meaning you leave the room every time you are sex, you feel like you are up above looking down at your body.

You might feel that you might not feel anything you to feel like. I know that sex is happening, but I feel num, you might actually even have pain. There is a lot of women mount more than we'd like to, more than is necessary, that have pain every time they have sex.

Something called vegetarians or volvo, ia, which means that every time something goes inside of them, they have pain. And that IT could be a tampon, IT could be a finger. And it's not always the cause of trauma.

But for many women, they they had some kind of assault until their body has literally clenched and their muscles, their vegan al muscles, have tightened. And so in that could be as a result of of trauma. So anytime sex happens or something comes here, they feel pain.

And it's want to say, side note, if anybody's having pain during sex, eighty five percent of women will have pain at some point in their life during sex. For many women, it's chronic. It's every single time they have sex.

And I just want to say that you do not have to silently suffer through bad sex. See a public for physical therapy. I have a lot of resources on my site at sex of that.

We don't calm. But you know, mt, we all like women. I think like we can handle that, we can give birth.

We can ever period once a month, we can have sex hurts and we just don't have to. I mean, that's just a few. They could be sexual thoughts that that are disturbing IT could be avoidance of sex flashbacks. A lot of IT is body to stuff so that there are some signs.

Um you have A P H D in human sexuality. You're A A sex expert. You've been studying this for decades. Is IT possible for women to have sex and not get attached?

Yeah apps, I think so IT is possible for us to have sex and get attached in the way of like I have six yeah I absolutely um as possible for everyone of sex not to attached if they are self actualized. They're feeling good in their bodies and they know that like they are connecting with a partner and they just want a pleasure and orgasm in connection, but they're not necessary looking for a for a life partner.

I mean, I think that, again, that's a sidle thing. I think I hear from this women all the time. Well, every time I have sex, I fall love. Every time I have sex, I and and I don't know that's true. I look at people say I really like, is that to something that you've been told or that's been your experiences to date? But I love is Younger generations now are saying, like I just want to have sex and experience different people.

How do you know what you like and who you are as a sexual being if you haven't tried some different things and tried some different people? And so we get a place where we're all talking about sex in a really honest, open way. I don't think that sex has to lead to attachment and commitment. But what I love to see is that now we're having these conversations and people are Young people, even though the sex is kind of lane, I thinks they're getting to them. And so you ask, I think that we can have great sacks, and we doesn't mean that we have to walk down the eye with somebody.

What do you say that to all the presumably mostly volt, the owners that are writing insane? I would love to be able to have more partners and more casual sex, but every time I do, I feel like a slut OK. Well, the first thing .

to do so look at with those feelings are right down. What have the messages that you're getting right now? Right them down on a note in your phone free journal and say, okay, well, I think it's gonna me a slut.

I think it's gonna make me a bad person. I think I am going to go to help, let mean whether the thoughts are. And then you get to look at them and say, is this really true? I actually would exercise in smart text called flip the script. And you get to flip the script on whatever your negative belief is.

What if that wasn't true and you're like, OK, well, what if I made you feel sexually empowered and gave you more pleasure and youth of person and you actually are practicing getting to know what you want? And so once you sort of dissect the messaging, you get to decide what's actually true. And so really, once you start to surround us of whatever IT is watching next positive films and netflix and whether you watch T, V, and surrounds the people who are actually doing in a healthy way, you can start to reward your thoughts around this too.

So so I think I really I love that you're asking that because there's so many women and IT involve owners mostly you think I just can't. And this is what's true. And I just say it's a limiting belief and IT doesn't necessarily have to be your story. You can learn to have sex from your vantage point and be the best advocate for your pleasure.

And that's your responsibility that doctor analyze. Huge message here is that you are responsible for your own sexual pleasure. Two final questions you talk about a yes, no, maybe list. What is IT and why do we all need one?

okay. So the easter maybe list is it's a freedom notable guide on my website and why I love the ater maybe list because you know how we're talking about fixing things up and trying new things is essentially a list. IT has about eighty sex, sex on IT and is everything IT has like kissing and cuddling.

But he also has speaking and dirty talk and biting and using sex toys and coupland's myself so you your partner can take together and say, is that say yes? Is IT to know or is IT maybe? And I promise you on this list you're going to find some yes is and that's where you start playing.

I'm printing IT out bringing IT to date night. Christopher Robins, get ready. He's not gonna IT hit him or bit him depending upon what's something.

I guess. No, maybe people love IT for date night. I heard a lot of great stories now.

so let me know, guys now. Can we, bottom line five hacks for creating the best chapter of sexual pleasure in our lives create .

the five tips. The first tip would be communication. Communication is a liberation. Talk about your sex life and you will have Better sex, more satisfying sex. The second one is solo sex. Understand your relationship to your body and learn to give yourself more pleasure.

Um the third thing is if in your relationship when you're talking about sex, um I would say just a quick way to start is to try one thing new in your relationship. IT could just be one thing. I could be the s no, maybe less IT could be a bottle of loop IT could be a sex toy IT could be having sex in the living room and of the droom I don't care trying one new thing to mix.

We crave variety. I also to say scheduling sex, prioritising priori I I G G H sexual relationship, whether it's date night once a month, I think when couples have bounded around date night, we're not working our phones. We're not talking about our kids and we're not talking about work. It's just about us. A really powerful thing happens to couples and then I would say work on your limiting beliefs around sex, whatever was holding you back, your shame, your thoughts and keep a journal love them and learn to flip the script and learn how to be your own um best advocate I would say, well I would also say, um maybe this is six but takes the focus of orgasm and focus on connection and touch and intimacy and center your sex life .

on that wow doctor Emily. I think on behalf of all the volvo owners and penis owners, I wanted say, wow, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for helping us create the best chapter of pleasure and sex of our entire lives. I am so excited to report back in detail, not on the podcast with you. I'm here for you now. I know you are.

I know you are.

Thank you so much. It's just been a real honor to be with you, and i've learned so much. I know everybody. Y's onna love IT.

Thank you for having me IT really is an honor to be here. This was wonderful. Thank you.

All I can say is, holy cow, I am gna hit print on that. Yes, no. Maybe list.

I am going to sprint out of here and i'm going to go find Christopher robbins, because I want to do whatever IT takes to take responsibility for my sexual pleasure. I want to communicate more openly. I'm actually empowered and inspired.

I hope you are too, because feeling more pleasure in your life and having a fantastic relationship with your own sexual desires and arousal and pleasure, it's a big part of you enjoying your life. And I now know that you have simple tools you can put into place to start enjoying solo sex partners, sex, whatever sex IT is that you want to have. You're responsible for IT to go create IT.

And in case nobody else tells you, I wanted tell you, I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to create a life that you love. And that includes apparently getting a mere and standing in front of IT and enjoying some time alone, already upset in a few days by.

OK, 哎呦， can I come? OK, oops, can I can the thing. You don't .

care this I had .

sex with last night. I RAID. And of course, I was too tired.

So i'm going to have to say I was a week ago, not last night. I was going to know. 对。 Okay, yeah, everybody, how fucking awesome are you?

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a license therapies, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got IT good. I'll see in the next episode stitcher.

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