Incredible Research From Harvard: 4 Simple Tools to Conquer Your Fear
53:42 Share

Amica is an incredible sponsor of the mall robs forecast, and they are also our exclusive insurance partner. There is a reason why amica representative care there. That's the reason they take the time to get to know you.

They want to know your needs, so you get policy that gives you both coverage and a piece of mind. Ica representatives are real caring people who are always there to help you as a trusted partner to their customers. Amica a representatives understand that insurance is about protecting the life you've built.

So go to a mea dot com and get a quote today, holiday shopping can be overwhelming, but macs gift guide makes IT so easy to get everything you need for the holidays. All in one plays with hand pick gifts for everyone on your list, and you can easily shop by Price or category from ug slippers, dior makeup and lockers, pots to dimension board games and so much more. Take the guessing out of the gifting this year and lean on maces to help you find the perfect give for your loved ones.

There's a MC 点 com flash give guide。 Hey, it's your friend, male. Welcome to the male Robin's fod cast.

That right there is the dallas convention center. Three thousand women in the audience. I am taking at the stage today, and I am taking you to work with me.

Are you ready for this? I'm ready for this. Let's 我 跟着。 okay. Already already, i'm seriously take you to workday from my Robins.

I've been wanting to take you on the road of meat for who months ever since we launch this podcast. And I do want to thank those of you that come up every single day. Doesn't matter where I am, grocery store, airplane, hotel lobby, standing aligned gas station.

I love meeting you. Love IT. If you ever see me, I want you to know something.

I would be mad if you didn't use the five second world, five, four, three, two, one, to push yourself to come up and say, low people in two hundred countries have been impacted by the show because of us, you and me. We're sharing. The episodes were showing in up twice a week.

And so I love meeting you because IT means that when i'm sitting in a hotel room in dallas, i'm thinking of you and i'm thinking of the fact that this conversation is happening between us, and that makes me show up in a way that I wouldn't show up if I weren't meeting you or hearing from you and reading your letters. And so just thank you for that. And today, we're going to talk about the biggest fear that people have in life you know, sign failed famously joked that the person in the coffin is unscared.

It's the person who has to speak about the person in the cough in who is. The fear of public speaking is the number one fear that people have. And I don't even mean necessarily talking on a stage like I do for a living.

I'm talking about the fear, speaking in public, sharing your ideas at work, expressing what you need to other people, having hard conversations with friends and family, talking at a meeting at school, pushing back on something with a doctor, like just being able to express yourself. And the reason why this is such a huge fear for people is because IT is a moment of intense vulnerability. The second that you go to speak at work, what happens? Everybody turns in, all eyes are on you.

You feel like there's a spotlight on you, and you get really worried about being judged. The same thing happens when you have to speak in class, right? When you get got called on in class, most people get a little nervous.

Lot of people hated that moment, elementary school, when you had to read out loud. That's a moment of public speaking. We are so afraid in that moment when the spotlight is on us. And i've shared in a number of episodes that I used to be terrified of public speaking.

I would turn bright red when I got called on as a little kid in law school, I was start puffing attacks or I would leave the room, uh, as a Young, uh, lawyer, I would wear scarf because I get these neck rashes as I was talking to the judge and to the prosecutor in a small courtroom. And I just figured I would be the kind of person that always had a bright red face, always had an awful case of hives on my chest, always felt my tongue going dry. And I hated IT.

I hated IT, hated IT, hated IT. And today, what i'm going to talk about is how I went from being afraid of public speaking to becoming the most successful female speaker in the world. More than one hundred and eleven speeches a year on the corporate circuit.

So microsoft, starbucks, J. P. Morgan, any kind of company, you can imagine the avenger. But I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves.

And that's what you to teach you today, because you know what I want for you. I want your fullest expression. I want fear to stop holding you back.

I want you to trust fall into your life. I want you to take that first step and climb the staircase to the things that you want your life. And there are too many places where fear hold you back and keeps you silent and has you questioning yourself.

And so that was me too, and I just chipped away at this fucker. And I am so glad that I did, because I just can even imagine how much I would earn for what i'm doing now without even realizing IT. But the first step is admitting that there are fears that are holding you back.

And so we're gna use public speaking because it's a number one for for everybody. Now the first question I always get is how did you get into the speaking business and how did you become the most sought after female speaker on the corporate speaking circuit mail? Well, the truth is I didn't set out to do anything.

I've told you guys the story about how that tedx talk happened by accident in twenty eleven, and how I had a twenty one minute long panic attack while I was giving that talk. And I never thought I would speak ever, ever, ever again. And then something crazy happened a year later, somebody put the tedx talk online.

And for another year, IT went crazy viral, and I didn't even know was online. And so we're talking in two thousand and thirteen. Now, by mid two thousand and thirteen, people start to reach out to me on facebook and say, hey, I saw that thing in savings is going to, like, grew you there like, no, it's online and I gets online.

And I realized, holy cow, the things got like a million views. That's crazy. And people kept reaching out. And IT was mainly women's conferences, and they were asking if I wanted to come and do like a break out session, and they wanted me to just repeat that telex. And so I had no idea that this was an industry or a business.

I looked at speaking at something that famous people do, something that sports people do, something that people that are major, major authors must do. So I don't have, I don't have anything. I just had my little secret five second rule in my back pocket.

I had a tedx talk that had mistakenly gone viral online. And now I had people asking me if I would come, and I would talk in break out sessions at women's conferences. And i'm like, okay, that sounds fun.

Now keep in mind in my life, this is the moment when Chris is left the restaurant industry. He is bottom doubt, not functioning, focused on getting sober. And I am working two jobs trying to keep things a float.

IT is a really scrambling time in our life. And so I said yes to these things. And i'll never forget IT in two thousand and thirteen.

I did then talks. I think that was all for free. I D no idea that people got paid to do this, and I was doing IT because I wanted to escape the pressure of my life.

And if i'm being perfectly honest, as nervous as I was about doing this, and i'd get a big neck rash and i'd turn bright red in my face, as nervous as I was, there was something about being asked to tell my story and inspire other people that really lifted me up and made me feel. I don't know, mike, it's all like how you flaught a pillow up when it's looking deflated. IT just lifted my spirits a little bit to have the focus be on helping other people.

And so IT was like a lifeline. But I was still so nervous when I tell you I was nervous. I mean, I was so nervous.

I not only were banks, I would put like a pat in the banks because I was sweating so much, I had all kinds of water of failed because I would I would literally sweat like niagara falls. That's what I do. I have a hot flash as I get nervous.

So um i'll never forget IT IT was the pencil new women's conference. Hilo reclined, I think, was a keynote speaker. And then there was a incredible woman who is the principal, a strawy hill mansion who I just love.

And SHE spoke in the main room, fourteen thousand women there. And I was in this break out session, and IT was the largest room might ever been in. I almost had a heart attack.

There were like a thousand seats set up, and I had never been in a room that size. So I give this talk, which was largely just a mimic of the telex talk that I did. And this woman comes up to me afterwards, and she's like, oh my god, he was so great.

You know what? She's really nice to hear. And that can I ask your question? And I was also a speaker this morning. I was in a break out room on a panel, and I just want to ask you question speaker to speaker.

And I was like, of course, and he said, did you get your check out? And I said, check one man, you got paid for this. And SHE looked at me with horror and said, oh my god, i'm really sorry.

I just assumed, like, you had a bigger. I just assumed that you got pay. I like people get paid for this. Like people, like Normal people get paid for.

And I was so flawed, I was one of those moments where you're just like, am I this stupid? Is fucking idiot on the planet? Does everybody else know the ship at me? And I was so dumb founded that for two weeks.

I was just like stunned at what an idio I was. I didn't even think that asked anybody to pay me to do this because I didn't think I was any good at IT. So um I made myself a promise.

I said, you know what? I have no idea what to charge. You don't have a book. You should probably write one of those two. But first you got to figure out how to keep the lights on in the house and keep the family of float and keep paying the bills. And I thought, here's what i'm going to do.

I am going to just when the next person calls and says we'd like to book you to speak, i'm in IT pause, five, four, three, two, one, take a breath and I say, what's your budget and then i'm going to wait. I'm going to listen to the number, and then i'm going to five, four, three, two, one, pause and then say Normally and double and pause and see what happens because I I didn't even know what to Price myself. And so two weeks later, the flowerings, and it's a guy and dance, dan and he had been in the speaking business for like twenty years.

And he says, you know, bob ty heard the add on that. I got to think his wife, Lorry, because she's the one that saw my tedx talk going viral on facebook. And he said, her husband, you ve got a book, this woman, for our sales conference for jay.

And so dan calls me first phone call. I received no joke when i've made myself this promise, and he asked, if unavailable five months from now in dallas in August, to speak at the national sales conference for this company, j helper. I said, I think i'm available.

What's your budget? And he said, ten thousand dollars. I dropped the fucking phone.

We had leans on our ten. I know I had no fucking idea. People, ten thousand dollars.

I I will literally I dal strip for that. I mean, that's not believe. Foobar, so I forgot the second partner like OK.

I I mean, yes, yes. Now, luckily, I was so nervous. And you know, sometimes fear is a fantastic thing because that motivates you. I was so nervous because I felt so unworthy of that amount of money that I did something really smart. And fear motivated me to do this.

I was so nervous that I would fall flat on my face because I believed I was not worthy of that kind of money, because i'd never made that kind of money that I used half of the budget to pay a graphic designer to help me create a powerpoint, because I needed at least something that would look like that. And I practiced, and I practiced and I prepared. And that's one of the big things that you gotto take away.

One of the best freaking tools for nurse is preparation. The more you prepare, what you're actually doing is working through your own resistance to this shit, you're creating muscle memory. You were hurting.

Will you choke? Maybe, but not after. I teach you the tools that i'm on a teacher today, but you will never get Better or conquer your fear of public speaking if you're unwilling to prepare.

So part of the nerves might be that you're not even preparing enough, you're not rehearsing. You're not rehearsal in front of people. You're not taking the time to edit your mark like IT takes time.

And rehearsal is so important. If you prepare, you're removing nerves, you're setting yourself up to win. And so think about preparing like you're just building this muscle doesn't take the nerves away or the fear away or the stakes away.

But by god, it's going to help these tools work because you will have the preparation. There's this really famous quote that I love. It's by charly bird Parker. I don't even know this is a real story, but I love this quote.

Apparently, charlie bird Parker, the famous jazz musician, was asked by a journalist, how the hell do you do what you do with that hand? And you know what charlie d. Parker said? He said, well, first you can earn your instrument.

And that takes years, decades of practice. You ve got to study IT. You got, have you got to do your scales? You ve got to practice over and over and over and over and over again until you learn that instrument.

And then you forget all that should they taught you, and you just wail. And so preparation allows you to tap into your genius. Preparation is what allows you to improve, to freestyle, to be fully express the highest you to channel, to tap into something.

And it's in there, in you. That's why you feel this push pull in, this desire to show up more in your life. So I spent all this time preparing, and I showed up in their moments in your life.

That really matter. And this was one of them I met this moment. I stepped on that stage in two thousand thirteen with my neck rash and my rosy cheeks and my dry mouth.

And I fucking deserted because I had prepared, because I was afraid. Now, I also had the biggest wardrobe failure I have had on a stage. So I wore this dresser at the time.

I was a commentator for CNN. And I used to wear this stress all the time on C. N. N. And I thought, OK, if somebodys paying you that money, you got look like you on T. V.

So I, where is like kind of power lady dress? You can already imagine IT, right? It's got like sort of the v neck and the pencil skirt.

And it's hard to walk in. IT looks good on television, but you're not moving and you're sitting in a chair. I never looked at IT with a light behind me.

And at the end of the speech, I just fully lay this thing. I walk off that stage. IT was the first time i'd ever been projected on a jumbo tron in an arena.

And after the speech, this woman came out to issues, darling, like, oh my god. Oh god. I love the first.

I think so about those. I was, I going to play my marker this month. This is great.

And he said, you were so great. I have to tell you something. And I like White SHE, said, don't ever wear that dress again.

I said why? He said, I don't want to tell you this. I said what he said, I could not only see that you were wearing banks, but that you had a song on underneath them.

That dress is so sea through, and you could see IT all on the jumbo tron. Okay, we went from winning to wanting to melt and grow into a hole. But fuck IT.

You know, I honestly, when you fuck up, you know what the researches, people like you more, that, by the way, called the pratfall effect, that your imperfections make you more likeable, more trustworthy. IT makes you, as an expert, be somebody that people lean. Tod, and you've had this experience, have you, where you might have somebody that's got A P H.

D that's a know at all that truly snooty and talking down to you. You're kind like I don't want learn from you but when you got somebody that is you know honor stage or teaching you something or just somebody do you meet if there's something that humanizes them? It's so builds trust, and that's an important thing to understand because the idea here is not that you're going to get a perfect, it's said you willing to try.

So maybe that's why I destroyed, and I don't know, everyone was routine for me because you could see the banks and the thugg underneath the dress, but that dress went in the freaking trash can at the hotel, never to see the light day again, although I hope somebody pulled IT out, used IT. But I never look back from that moment, because there on who booked me had been in this business for twenty years. And he said, I ve got to tell you, you are top three of all time and the single best female speaker I ve ever seen in my entire life who manages your business and I said, you do.

And he has run my speaking business ever sense. And so along the way, IT took me several years to truly get over my nervous and I don't get nervous but I do care about how I perform when um I am stepping on the stage and behind this, mike, but I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking but to conquer IT and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves all right, let's take pause when we come back. I've got a really cool surprise coming up and I don't even know how this is gonna as I said him in dallas.

And while I was taping this, I I got a text from a woman who is a keynote speaker. She's from venezia a and he spoke today at this huge conference and dallas with three thousand women at IT that I am the close keo speaker for. And I guess he has been following my career and she's always wanted to meet me.

And I love meeting other speakers on the corporate circuit. I love supporting other people who are up and coming. I want to get as many diverse and fema voices on these stages as I possibly can. And so if I can make the time, I always do.

Do you know what her specialty is? What he teaches, google and microsoft, and people around the world how to compare your fears? Are you kidding me? Is that not synchrony? So i'm going to take a quick post for a sponsors.

And when we come back, you're going to hear the moment SHE knocks on the door of my hotel room. I've never met this woman. Her name is Michelle polar.

She's a best selling author, and her book is called hello fears, crash your comfort zone and become who are meant to be. And the book documents are doing one hundred things that she's afraid of. And here's, like I just sent, believable to me, that he teaches people around the world about conquering their fears.

And here we are, doing a pod guests in real time. And SHE is on her way up, and she's going to tell you the best tips for conquering your fear. And sometimes, you know, I feel like god, the universe, whatever you believe.

So has our back on this podcast making things happen, having these synchronicity ties happen. I cannot wait for her to get up here. I feel like IT is meant to be, will be right back.

Oh, i'm so excited to tell you about one of our sponsors or a friends. I love them. why? Because like me, proba took a million photo this year.

Oakly graduated from high school. Chris, I went on this unforgettable vacation together. Our family climbed mount katon where the photos are Normally they d be on my phone, but not more.

Why I have an ora digital photo frame. IT sits on my kitchen counter. I gave one of my parents, it's on their kitchen counter. I gave IT to candle, who lives in a oakly up in his dorm room, or is a digital frame, looks and feels like a Normal picture frame. But check this out.

You just send photos to IT, and all the sudden your photos are right there everywhere, and IT updates all the time, and your family can update IT I free and love IT it's the best gift to give yourself. It's the best gift to give everyone else. And for a limited time visit or a frames dot com and get forty five dollars off or as best selling cover mat frames by using the code mail a check out that A U R A frame stock com promotion de mail, this exclusive black friday cyber monday deal is their best to the year.

So don't you dare miss out terms and conditions apply as need to be marketer. You know how noisy the ads space can be if your message isn't targeted to the right audience, IT just disappears into the noise. With linked in ads, you can precisely reach the professionals who are more likely to find your ad relevant.

With targeting capabilities, you can reach them by job title, industry company and more. You'll have direct access to build relationships with decisionmakers, a billion members, one hundred and thirty million senior level executives and ten million sea level executives. Stand out with link ads and start converting your B2B aud ience and to hig h qua lity lea ds.

Today, what i've learned first time is that linton can help you find the people who can actually move the needle for your business, I can't imagine. And without converting your B2B aud ience in the hig h qua lity lea ds tod ay, they've even give you a hundred dollar credit on your next campaign. Go to linton 点 com slash mail to claim your credit that's linked in 到 com slash ml terms and conditions apply linked in the place to be to be。

This show is sponsored by Better for me decembers all about cozy nights at home i'm talking soft landing ts hot tea sinking into the couch with my family nearby and the fireplace. Rn, there's something about that kind of comfort that just feel so good, isn't there? But you wanted, know what, comfort doesn't have to be something you only feel for a month.

And if I be an ice, the best gift i've ever given myself is the kind of comfort that comes from work on on myself, especially through therapy. It's a way to keep that cozy, grounded, wrapped up in a blanket, feeling all you're long, no matter what life throws your way. So if you've been thinking about starting therapy, check out Better help.

It's a super easy way to get started. You just take a quick questionaire to match you with a license therion. And it's all online. You can switch thera any time without any extra charges and find the right person for you. Fine comfort this december Better help. This is Better help that come such smile Robins today to get ten percent off your first month as Better help H L P that come such smile Robins.

All right, IT smell and Michelle poll's about to walk in. Have her matter. I hope this is good. Hyper will be. Um you know it's amazing this entire podcast e is one giant.

And like you know, we're going to do we're going to talk about the number one, fear in the world, which is public speaking. And I went to sit down. I get this text.

It's from a woman who wrote a book called hello, fear that speaking at the same thing as me. And I think in life, you gotta learn, had a trust fall. You gotta take that step forward before you're ready.

There's like famous doctor Martin luther er king junior quote about how, and i'm going to just completely get this wrong, but it's about how you don't need to see the whole staircase. You just need to take that first step and the staircase appears and IT is so true. And that's why i'm so excited for this.

And i'm even starting to get nervous because i'm looking at my phone and SHE has two hours to catch a flight and SHE speaking at another event across the country tomorrow morning so you can use IT. We got like ten minutes to ease the ten minutes. But i'm doing a trust fall.

And so is he. Are they here? really? They're here. Knock on the door.

yes. Yes.

OK, that's grazy. That's .

crazy. Okay, here he is.

Your, so you, everyone, fine. Well.

and we're now huge chance of yours. go. I love IT. Okay, so we're talking about fear. Yes.

my favorite topic. Hello.

fears. Crush your comfort zone and become who you're meant to be. Hello, first, what made you decide that you were going to conquer your fears by facing a hundred fears in one hundred days? Like.

why on earth do you do that? Oh my god. Because I moved to new york, the city of my dreams, and I was not living my dreams because I was too much in my comfort on.

And I heard this song by one republic that called I lived and they're saying about all the bones they broke and the hearts they broke. And I am like, i've never broken a bone in my life for a heart or whatever I like. I'm not living. I started crying because I realize that I am in live, but I am not living. And I want to live my life OK hold.

That was a big one. I'm alive, but i'm not living. I think a toner people, just when i'm alive.

but i'm not limit. And I was checking all the boxes. I was doing all the right things.

I had a good job. I was already married. I was living in new york. Uh, you know, everything was like, in paper, perfect.

But I wonder I am I happy or am I comfortable? And that's very different. yes.

So you go to your husson what's his name adam? You turn to adam and say, even though we've got this style in yeah i've decided i'm gonna and face my fears for hundred days yeah did he look at you and say, absolutely.

you're crazy no, he said, i'll support you one hundred percent. I'll help you face all .

year of years wow, sort did you take like, leave from your job or what did you do?

No, if you cannot imagine I was every single, I would wake up really early either to face of fear in the morning. Then I would go to my job. I was in advertising, and then I was doing a masters in branding at the school, official art in new york every single day of the week. So I would have to either face a early in the morning during my lunch time before I go to the masters, or right after, like a ten P M. And then everyday I would come back, added a video and d to put IT on all media channels, go to bed for like three, four hours, and then go back.

You know what this proves? This proves that if you feel like you don't have enough time, you don't have a big enough exciting game to play. And there's even research about this, that ironically, if your super, super busy, the best way to reclaim your time is by adding in something really meaningful or chAllenging. And that's .

exactly what you did. yes.

Yeah what serious thing? I will tell you something.

I get that question. I just got IT today speaking twice. Yeah and it's really hard to answer because the biggest fear is the one you have an conquered is when you have in faith.

So if you ask me this in the middle of the chAllenge, I would say the next fifty fears, right? But now looking back, I can't even choose one because this is how my everyday would look like, would be like, okay, today was not that bad. Tomorrow I will die.

And the next day, same thing. Okay, not bad. Tomorrow we will be the worst one.

And then IT was never, what was the one that you had the most anticipatory holy? Should I might actually die if I do this?

Well, you not guess. And everybody stand up comedy. He was so scary doing stand up comedy, so much more scary than I could ever imagine in a club in new york. And from our real audience also scare more than like skydiving, even posting new in front of our drawing glass. That was a really tough one .

I did in front of a drawing.

Yes, I, that was one of the serious one.

So what was that? like?

IT was really transfer map of the whole experience, because when I started, I was so self aware, I wanted to be as skinny as I can and like, hide all my own perfections. And then slowly, as the time progress, what I realize, i'm not giving anything to the audience. I wanted draw something interesting because i'm just here thinking about myself.

So you sitting there rosses that's my angle.

yes. And then when I saw the other models there, they were all like, they have curves and hair everywhere and I like, and I have before so I started like spending more and creating interesting shapes. And I was like, its not about me, it's about them. And at the end, no one is judging us in the same way that .

we judge ourselves. 嗯， why is IT important for the person that is listening to us right now, driving their car, walking by themselves? Why is that important for that human being to face their fear?

I think the most important thing is that we get to live our most .

authentic lives. How is fear the access to your most authentic?

We hide ourselves. We hide who we are. We hide our needs. Because IT is scary to speak up, IT is scary to show ourselves. IT is scary to experience rejection. You know, when we show who we really are, and we will experience rejection when we show who we really are. But you know, it's not a matter of being liked by everybody, is a matter of resonating with the right people and attracting to you into your life the right kind of people, the people that value who you really are. So, you know, have to hide or create like this fake filter of yourself.

Oh my gosh, I just had this huge sight that I want to to share with everyone listening. And it's about the nude modeling experiences that you just described. So you had a breakthrough when you realize that the art students were in judging you.

In fact, they appreciated everything about you, every luck, every crane, every last part of your body that you had just saved everything about you. And that made you realize that you are the one judging yourself. They were.

And you know what IT goes to show you, that shows you the power of being surrounded by supportive people. And IT never would have even occurred to me that modeling nude would teach you that. So I thought the lesson would be about you just being able to sit new in front of strangers for an hour.

But IT was about something so much more profound. It's about the power of other people supporting you. Wow, what did you learn about yourself by doing the hundred days, one hundred fears project?

So I learned that that's unfeeling that you get when you're about to face of fear. You know that feeling it's in your heart and it's selling. You don't do IT don't do IT that's like probably eagle trying to protect you from facing rejection or embarrassed or like losing your job or whatever IT is.

Um I always like um perceive that feeling as a sign that my body is telling me don't go that way right after facing my and going through that feeling over and over again, right? What I see is that that's also the feeling that tells you that there's growth there. And I never saw IT like that. So I ran away every single time and I missed out on so many opportunities because I was like, no my intuition I thought I was my intuition but IT was just I think my eager whatever IT is up trying to protect me um from facing my fears um I thought there were you know telling me not go that way and I was exactly where I had to go. So now every time I experience that and I feel uncomfortable, I choose growth.

So I get that question a lot and I would love to hear your answer or any tool that you may have for somebody who doesn't know the difference between true intuition and fear that's holding them back from reaching their potential. What's a tool or a technique somebody can use to try to teeth that difference out?

Whenever i'm about to do something that he's outside of my comfort zone and I have that feeling immediately, I can see how my body is telling me, don't do IT. And all of this fierce and negative thoughts start to pop into my brain. And IT feels like a brick wall.

And I can see past that. And is only when you focus on their rewards that you get to see past those fears. So a lot of people ask you the question, what's the worst I can happen, right? And then that's a really bad question. Do not ask that because you see the worst. What I ask people is not change the question to whats the best that can happen, that the only way you will get to see the rewards that are expecting you in the other side of fear, and if those rewards are not really exciting for you, then maybe that's a fear not worth facing. But if they are, then you have to go for IT despite the fear that he may bring.

I love that reframe because you're right when somebody is what's the worthing that could happen that actually has you laser focus on a fear which magnifies even the small lest worst thing that could happen. But when you reframe IT to what what's the best thing that could happen.

you see things in a whole different wages today. I spoke three times at this event, and he was a new presentation, also nervous. And I told this to my community. And like, i'm really nervous, i'm giving on this new presentation material.

And somebody asked me, so what's the best in alf? And because they know that my language and IT helpme so much, so much, I immediately imagine my room full of people, people claiming, people laughing, people being inspired, even crying. You know what I am like? I'm ready. I'm ready for this.

so i'd love to get your advice because we've been talking about the fear of public speaking and how terrified so many people are of public speaking, and not even just getting on a stage, but even just sharing an idea in a meeting at work, yes, or starting a hard conversation, or that moment where you're at a meeting at school and you want to say something but you're fear, hold you back and keeps you silent. What advice do you have to help somebody learn how to conquer their fear of speaking either on a stage or at work, or being more vocal in life?

For me, what tells me the most is to feel like I own my story to make IT ownership, even if you have to share your the profits of the year or whatever, share your personal story behind that, like attach some of your, you know, your, your journey to whatever you want to to share, for example, is so easy to go on google and and research. What am I going to talk about? Let me talk about this topic.

Google will tell you the answer. And then anybody can goole that same answer, yes, but only you can share a very personal story about that. For example, when I, when they invaded me to speak at facebook, they asked me specifically to talk about the impostor syndrome.

Me, like everybody here experiences that please talk about IT. And I saw researching what's the impostor sydney, how to get over the impostor, sync me and started adding that to my presentation and like, what are you doing? I'm just repeating what google is telling me.

Is that like even legal? No, like I I should be talking from my own experience. I thought, when was the time where I experiencing posture syndrome and what helped me in that moment? I added that story to my presentation.

And even today I share, like i've been sharing that story for seven years of the story. Oh my god. So I IT was a time when I was just starting as a speaker.

How do you? I, not that long ago, I was, was after the one hundred day project. So I face one hundred fears, the last one to speak, on the tics.

And that's what launch my career of speaker and that was in twenty fifteen. So I think begin twenty sixteen, let's say. And so, uh, I they hire me to speak at E.

S. P. And I was very nervous, is Better, very excited.

And then the speaker that went right before me was the most exceptional speaker you can think of, and that's what he was also the first speaker today at the event. So full circle. yes.

Hi carla. yeah. So he was amazing. He was exceptional. And then I had to follow that act. And I was so nervous because I was, I experienced impossible symptom.

I'm like, if that's a speaker, i'm not a speaker like i'm not that and I was just starting. So I felt very intimidated by her. And I thought I have to be more like her. I to be more apology. I have to speak perfect english.

I have to answer Better like she's answering all this awesome questions like I was horrible that feeling of comparison, right? And then after the event, I went to a happy hour and I was happy to go, but so glad that I want because that night so many people approach me to tell me that I was also one of the highlights of the day for them, and that they appreciated how, how real I was. And what I thought was, like, my imperfect side of myself, was exactly what resonated with them. So the more real you are, the more you can own your authentic s self of your story. That's what people want to to hear more than anything else.

amazing. I know you have a plane to go.

Yeah, crazy.

IT is so crazy. Thank you for reaching out to me. Um I am thrilled that you did. I love supporting other women like on the corporate stage.

Any final words, any final words. What's the basic and happen .

once that that that can happen? Hello, fears.

yeah. Hello, fears.

Thank you. So that was my hell. Wasn't SHE just fantastic? Oh my gosh, I just loved that. Well, i've got another surprise for you after we hear a short word from our sponsors because when you come back, you're going to be joining me on that stage after to protect rehearsal for that big speech and dallas. So don't go anywhere.

Have you noticed the experts on this podcast keep telling you and me over and over, if you want a Better life, you need Better sleep. And you can do that on an unsupportive, uncovered mattress that you've kept around for twenty years. I may think about IT.

You eat right exercise, you make a big moves in your life, and then you go and you flap down on a crappy, lumpy, gross matters. I mean, come on now, as you push through the crazy of the holiday season, feeling well rested is extra important. Sleeping on the right mattress you deserve that matters.

Firm knows the importance of uninterrupted quality sleep and can match you with the right matters for your best Price. There are missing around. They've got the top mattress in the game and the close part you see the mattress at a lower Price matters form of matched plus.

Get free invest deliveries. You'll be snooze like a pro in no time. A good night.

Sleep is the fuel you need to tackle every day. Energy and confidence. This is a gift you need to give to yourself.

Get matched at mattress firm black friday sale and sleep at night text mail to seven, six, six, six, nine, three for one hundred dollars off your next purchase and mattress firm supply. Let's talk about the special bond you have with your pet. You come home after a long day and maybe event to your dog or your cat.

I know my mr. noodle. He is heard at all for me. Don't you sometimes wish you could understand them? I mean, that's the tough part of love, a pen.

Wondering what are trying to say and wondering if you're giving them the care they need. Well, no more gas work. Petite ity is here to bridge the a gap activity. Health kits and smart products give your pet a voice and empowers you to provide the best care possible. Imagine a little box that tracks your cats habits and the text changes, or an easy to use kit that does a deep dive and your dogs got, or regular reports all about your little four baby delivered straight your inbox, petite ity handles at all that use data and the latest and greatest technology to learn your pets behaviors and allow you to potential problems that you can act on you to sit around and worry about your pet health. Or worse, wait for something to go wrong before getting them help pectin ity can be their voice, and not being a mind reader can give you piece of mind and time to focus on other stuff, like just struggling with the mister noodle in your life.

Visit P E T I V I T Y dot com to learn more what would like to get the new iphone sixteen pro with A T N T next up anytime? It's like when you first light up the grill and think of all the mouth watering possibilities, learn how to get the new iphone sixteen pro with apple intelligence on A T N T and the latest iphone every year with a and next up, anytime A T N T connecting changes everything. Apple intelligence coming fall twenty, twenty four, with theory and device language set to U.

S. english. Some features and languages will be coming over the next year. Zero dollar offer may not be available future iphones next up anytime. Future may be discontinued any time, subject to change, additional fees, terms and restrictions apply C A T T R com sash iphone for details.

Welcome back. I melt robbins, and today i'm bringing you to work. We are facing our fears. And in just a minute you are going to be joining me at the dallas convention center, where i'm going to be speaking to almost as three thousand executives in the food service industry. And we're talking about how you face your fears and why you gotta just trust fall into life.

Now, before we jump over to the convention center, I wanted to take a moment and just highlight a few really important takeaway and lessons that I want to be sure that you got as you are listening to that really fun and spontaneous conversation that I had with Michelle in my hotel room. So remember how my shoe was talking about how he was alive, but he wasn't living. So I want to ask you, are there aspects in your life will you that way too, where you feel alive but you're just not living? There's something bigger, higher purpose, more self expression.

It's available to you, you know, IT, but it's only available if you're willing to do that trustful to face your fears because at some point you have to stop gripping if you're truly gonna live. And so number one, I want you to follow micelles example. First of all, SHE reached out to me, and i'm sure there were a little bit of fear and reputation there when he did, because as he told you, i'm somebody that SHE really looks up to, and I bet you've had the experience of texting people that you admire and they don't respond at all.

So here SHE dms me. And that's one example of a trust fall in life and face in your fear. And then I, of course, respond on my yet come by.

And he says, okay. And even though she's only got two hours to catch a flight and she's got to go across country for work, SHE comes here alone. There's another trustful.

And by the way, I told her, oh yeah, when you stopped, I am and have a mix ready because I want to ask you a few questions and instead of being like, uh uh h she's like OK, i'm in trust and didn't you love how when he showed up, SHE just went with IT and SHE poured herself into you and you love her energy. And I want to tell you something you root for somebody like that because you are experiencing somebody who is facing their fears, tapping into their energy. And I am here to tell you, there is that same energy that seem a aliveness, that vibrancy that is inside of you.

And it's GTA come alive when you face your fears and IT could look like anything. There's something that you want to do. I know my son wants to go skydiving for his eighteen th birthday.

I made him a promise. I do IT with them. IT is my biggest fear, other than being buried to live. But I do not want to do IT.

I starting to feel a little bit of moment, the back of my throat and a nervous stomach, just even thinking about IT. But i'm gonna IT because I also want to reach and experience the full potential of my life. And I know every time that fear holds me back, i'm limiting myself.

And you are doing the exact same thing. Is time to stop just being alive and truly. Start living.

You have a big, beautiful, amazing life that is just waiting for you to trust. Fall into IT. Remember what Michelle said? Ask yourself this.

What's the best thing that could happen? What if IT all works out? Because when you place a bet on your life and on yourself, something magical happens.

IT always does. And speaking of magical things, now I wanted take you to work with me. Let's see, when I go to the dallas convention center, i'm there. I'm the closing keynote speaker.

There's going to be three thousand women executives from the food service industry attending a leadership conference that i'm giving a keynote address that i'm about to finish our rehearsal. And i've got about a half an hour before they open the doors and let the audience come in. So let's go.

I am here at the dallas convention sea and right now it's quiet because as they have not opened the doors for the audience. And so we just had our tech rehearsal before the event and i'm standing here on stage. I want to thank amy for sitting here with me and running this portable equipment so I could talk to you.

And I thought that I would take advantage of this very quiet moment to tell you a couple tips that will help you manage your fear. Number one, you need to know why facing the sphere matters to you if you don't have a reason why you want to a face IT. For example, facing my fear of jumping out of a plane with our son and his eighteen third, here's why that matters to me to do that, even though I am literally terrified to do that.

The reason why this matters to me is I don't want my fear to rob me of missing out on a once in a lifetime experience with oak, our two daughters and my husband. That is gonna so incredible. There's gonna talk about IT for the rest of my lifetime, and I want to be there and I don't want my fear to stop me from doing IT.

And the reason why identifying your fear is so important is because it's not until you have a reason why this matters to you that you are actually gone to push yourself to do IT. Now the second thing that you should do that is gonna you manage your fears, is always remind yourself that there is a much greater purpose to conquering this fear of years. And often times you won't know the reason why until years from now, and you gotta trust that, see, you need to face this, because someday the story of you telling other people about you facing IT, it's going to change someone else's life IT will be exactly what they need to hear.

And so if you're afraid of speaking in public, do what I do. I imagine that there is just one person that i'm speaking to in that audience. So for example, today they're gonna three thousand people in the audience.

But before I take the stage number one, I remind myself why IT matters to me to do this. And the number two, I remind myself that i'm only just talking to the one person out there who needs to hear what i'm about to say today. I literally, I am not getting, I forget about the other two thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine people because they don't matter.

And so if you're going to do your first live stream ever for your business and you're going to put yourself out there, you are doing IT for the one person that needs to hear IT when your crappy sister in law logs on. Do not freak out because you're not talking to her. You are sharing your story and you're facing your fear because you know there's one person that is looking for the encouragement or the story or whatever IT is the guidance that you are about to give.

So let me give another example. Let's say, you want to make a difference in your local community. And there is this really big town hall meeting coming up about a very important issue in your town.

And you will be able to face your fears and stand up in the town hall meeting, and you will be able to share what you believe, because you will know why this matters to you. And you will also tell yourself that there is one person in that audience, in that town hall, just one person that really needed you to stand up and say what you are gonna say. They needed to hear you say that out loud.

You want to know why, because they were too scared to. So you're actually conquering your fear for both of you. And don't never forget that you can be nervous and still speak.

You can be afraid and still jump out of that plane. You can be on edge and stand up at the town hall meeting and share your feelings on an important issue. You can do that, and your life is gna expand in ways that you don't even realize when you start doing that.

And now I want to move into tool number three. So tool number three is something i've been using for boy, the past seven years. It's really incredible.

And IT comes from research at harvard medical school. It's a simple reframe. And here's hard works.

The next time you are feeling nervous and those butterflies kick in, just start telling yourself, i'm so excited. I'm so excited to jump out of this point. I'm so excited to stand up the town hall and cheer my opinion.

I'm so excited to take this test, to give this speech. Now this mind trc has hard science and research behind IT, and i'm in a link to the study from harvard. It's entitled reframing performance anxiety.

So you definitely want to share this with kids or anybody that is doing anything at a competitive level. And they get like the gitter before they're about to do, attract me to play in a football game. In short, here's what they learned based on the research.

You and I can trick our brains into believing that we're actually excited to do something that we're really nervous to do. I kid you not, that makes no sense. But once I explain this in detail, you're not only going to trust IT, you're going to know White works IT has to do with how your body experiences feelings of nervousness, ness and excitement. So when you feel nervous, so excited, have you ever noticed how you hyper focus on that thing that's making you nervous so excited?

I'm so excited to go on the state tonight and it's all you think about and you work yourself up into a zy like you can't think about anything else as the day gets closer and closer and closer and you're excited about IT, but your head is spinning and your stomach is a nots and your ARM pitts are sweating through the alf at that you're going to wear or what about oh my god, i'm so nervous for this interview tomorrow. I really want this job and it's all you think about and then you work with yourself up a dutti y and your stomach gets and nuts and you sweat through the shirt that you're gonna AR because you're thinking about IT thinking about that. It's like you hyper focus on IT.

Well, guess what? Nervous ness and excitement there are literally opposite sides of the exact same coin. Nervousness and excitement are two emotions that make you go into hyper focus.

What they're doing is they're trigger ing you to get really alert, focus on something that's about to happen. And the problem with nervousness is that when you get too nervous, you screw up. And so excitement is something that you want na feel because excitement is when you're hyper focused. But you're positive about IT. And according to the research at harvard, you and I can easily flip our brains and thinking that you're excited for that interview even though you feel nervous about IT.

And the reason why that matters is that if you can stay in a mindset that you're excited, you won't derail your performance, you will be able to face the nerves and the fear, and you will be able to not only conquer, but you'll be able to perform like a rockstar. And this is so important, this reframing, that I want to go deeper, I want to to truly explain what's happening in your body, particularly when it's a situation that makes you nervous, you're going on a really high stakes interview, or you've never spoken in public, and you really want to stand up and speak about the zoning issue in town hall. This really matters to you, or you really want to show up and do that thing with your family.

You do not want to keep missing out. This really matters to you, and you do not want to a let nervousness take over because IT will escalate into fear and paralyze you. And so let's stick into what is truly happening in your body when you're nervous because, again, you're learning that nervousness and excitement are super closely related.

They make you hyper focus, and we're going to use that to our advantage. So let's start with novo sly. The thing about nervousness is nervousness is just your body trying to get you into an alert state because what you're about to do requires you to concentrate.

So for example, you get nervous before a test because it's important and you have to concentrate and you care about the outcome. That's what nerves are about. It's about getting you to get into an alert state. Now let me explain why your stomach has butterflies when your nervous, and why you have to be, and why your heart races, and why your ARM pit sweat. This is all part of an automatic response in your body to either something that is exciting or something that is stressful.

And when you roll back the clock in terms of evolution, and you take a look at stress, we could spend hours and hours and hours talking about this, but i'm just gonna il IT down so that you have enough understanding to trust what i'm telling you about why reframing nurse works. This is from research at harvard medical school. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because there is no physiological difference in your body between a moment that's stressful and a moment that's exciting.

Your body has the same alert response to IT. All of the blood goes to your heart, IT goes to your brain. And that means that leaves your digestive track because, honestly, you don't need to be digesting food if you're going to take a test.

You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to sing. You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to give a speech. So the blood goes to your heart so that you can move, and IT goes your brains so you can think.

And i'm dummling this down. I realize a lot more complex science, but just the chemical structure, physiological structure changes. That's where the butterflies come in.

See, the butterflies aren't there because you're nervous, are excited. The butterflies were there because the blood flow increased to your heart, which is why your heart is racing. And the butterflies are due to that chemical change from the blood going to the heart and napping in the digestive track.

That's what that is, dude. That's also why you have to pee because you're not going to need to pee on stage. You're not going to need to pee while you're singing. And so your body has this natural response and exciting or stressful situations to dump whatever in your butter or in your bells, why, so that you can focus and so that you can run faster, perform Better. That's why this happens.

And so one of the mistakes that people make is that when they get nervous and they start getting butterflies, you think the butterflies are sign that you are about to fuck up. Now it's a sign that your body's getting ready to do something, and you get to decide whether you call the thing you're about to do exciting or scary. This is from research at harvard medical school, where they studied people in situations that made them nervous, job interviews, giving a speech, participating in a debate competition, singing and running in a track meat.

And they taught all of these people to tell themselves they were excited to do the thing that made them nervous and IT helped them perform Better. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because there is no difference between you walking onto a stage and your heart racing and your arms pit sweating, and your throat being dry and your stomach being, see, we are back stage, we're onna, let the applause die down and you're stomach being a nuts, which is a situation that makes you nervous. Or you go to a concert and your favorite brand, I can't wait to see cold play this fall.

When they take that stage, when we say some right before they come on up and have to pee, they're going to be terror acts in my stomach. My ARM pits are going to be sweating, my hearts going to be racing. But i'm excited because I said, i'm excited.

So reframing works. And here's the really important reason why this matters. Not only are you not going to freak yourself out, which only increases how stressed you are, by the way, but by telling yourself you're excited, you stabilize yourself, your thoughts don't raise.

And so I think you're getting close. So I got a short change this science lesson right now, and I realized it's very elementary. But I wanted to understand why you get butterflies.

And it's not because you're about to fuck up. It's because you're about to do something that you can do and that matters. So go for I can do IT, which is what i'm GTA do.

Let's do this. Alright ladies, get ready as i'm about to come all stage. 点 荣耀。

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Stitcher experiences make life more meaningful .

n and with master cards Price less that com. You can immerse yourself and unforgettable experiences in dining, sports, art, entertainment more in over forty destinations. From a round of golf with a legendary player to a cooking class with a celebrity chef, you can fill your passions and create lasting memories, explore experiences today at Priceless that come exclusion sively for master card card holders, terms and conditions, supply.

Celebrity cruise is black friday event is so good, you're gonna a bigger bucket list. Explore the kerival in europe or alaska was seventy five percent off your second guess plus bonus savings book today and see why nothing comes close to celebrity cruises. This is celebrity 点 com， call one eight hundred celebrity or contact your travel advisor.

Offer applies to select sAilings. Savings amount varies by state room category. Other terms apply. This is celebrity 到 com for details， ships registry, multa and equal.