Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
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Here's a cool way you can help shop at maces november first through december twenty th and you round up your purchase in store and donate to big brothers big sisters online shop at maces document hey, it's your friend mall and welcome to a guillen free and selfish episode of the male robbins park cast let's go, people. Alright, welcome. Why did I call this episode selfish? Well, because you and I, we're going to talk about people, places, and I am going to teach you the art and the science of putin, your self first, when that be nice, I know that would be nice.

And you deserve that if you're new to the mall Robin's podcast, I just want to welcome you, my name, male Robins, on the new year times beling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on the subject of change and motivation. And we're talking about people pleasing. And one of the reasons why I want to talk about people pleasing is IT is so misunderstood.

I used to struggle with people pleasing. Today you and I are going to unpack this topic. We're going to define IT. I'm going to explain what the research says about the brain and people pleasing, because that's going to be really interesting when you realize that people pleasing is something that everybody deals with.

And by the end of the episode, you're gonna have tools, tools that are going to make yourself aware, tools that are gonna. You catch yourself in those moments when you feel the pressure to please other people, and that pressure starts to override your ability to put yourself first. And so we're gonna start with the term people pleaser.

And i'm going to use your questions to help me go deeper and deeper and deeper into this topic. So let's just start that with the term people pleaser so that you and I, on the same page, people please are refers to a person who just has a strong desire to please other people, even if pleasing other people comes at their own expense. If you struggle with people pleasing, I certainly use to, I mean, those of us that were parent pleasers, we grow up to be people pleaser.

And so if you struggle with this and you often feel like your own once your needs don't matter, or you tend to bend yourself into knots around other people, or you find yourself having really hard time just being yourself or saying what you really want to say, you're not alone and you're gona get all kinds of awesome tools today. And the other thing that's interesting about the research that we did to prepare for this episode is that people pleaser that's not a medical term that is not some sort of diagnosis that psychologists use. That is simply a way that we describe casually, this coping mechanism that we all engaging in order to keep the peace, in order to fit in, in order to feel love.

There are four takeaway that I want to give you really quickly. Number one, every human being, as people, please, are everybody. Unless you are some narcissist jerk.

In order to get through life, you have to make other people happy. You have to, for example, put your boss needs ahead of yours if you expect to remain employed. IT is what IT is.

Your spouse in your kids, they come first at time. Your parents, when you were little, you wanted to please them. And there are times where you need other people to be happy with you.

Like when you're at the D. M V, that clerk that you hope does you that quick favor, you Better make sure that they're happy with you. Or the person who's throwing the big party in cobo spring break, definitely you're a people, please are around that person.

I don't blame you. You want the invite. Second, take away. You're never gonna get rid of people pleasing entirely. I wouldn't want you to.

You can't because some level of people pleasing is necessary in life, because relationships are a given take. And what we're going to talk about today is the baLance. How do you baLance other people's needs and your own?

Third, take away people pleasing is only a problem if you do IT by default. So if you're the kind of person that is so focused on other people, you don't even know who you are anymore. You've been neglecting your own needs or silencing your own voice, or you constantly feel like a dorma that everybody walks on.

People pleasing is definitely a problem for you. I want more for you. And so today, i'm going to probably make you pretty shocked at how prevalent this is for you so that you can start making different decisions moving forward. And that leads me to the fourth take away. You can take your power back.

My mission today is to help you understand the topic, gain more self awareness, so that you can interpret this pattern, and you can create a different pattern, which is making conscious decisions in your day to day life that truly empower you, because you can learn how to consciously choose when you are going to put other people first and when you're going to put yourself first. So let's start with a question. This one comes from a listener named Janet.

Hey, mail. So, so where was raised was that what defines a good woman is what you can do for others, for her children, for her husband, whatever. And you always came second. Whether IT was you were the less to take a shower before you went. Now you were the last to eat at a family event.

So my biggest struggle now is creating self love for myself without feeling guilty, without feeling like i'm not being humble enough, or without feeling like i'm less of a mother or less of a wife because i'm taking care of myself. I know it's the other way. I know that I have to take care of me so I can take care of others, but I just have a hard time doing IT without feeling that guilt to me, and literally feels like a child learning to walk. I don't know how to do this without feeling guilt. I want to remove that guilt from inside of me.

Janet, I got some bad news. You can remove the good. I must say that again, when you first start putting yourself first, you will not remove the guilt.

And so I just want to be honest, this really isn't about guilt. This is about you defining for yourself what IT means to be a good wife and a good mother and a good person in your eyes. And so i'm gonna give you two major wake up calls that I had around this topic, and then i'm going to tell you this crazy story.

So the first wake up call is this notion that the people who love you, they will be annoyed with you when you put yourself first. IT is true. They are not gonna IT like you being the person that you are right now.

IT is convenient for them that you put them first. IT is wonderful, the dynamic that's in place, but it's no longer good for you. So just expect that the people who you love will be annoyed or disappointed or upset when you start putting yourself first, but they're still gonna ve you.

It's not an either or thing, and i'll explain more about that. And second, this is a huge wake up call. What if guilt is actually a good thing? What if guilt is super healthy to feel right now? In fact, that's what I believe.

I believe that the guilt is good. I believe that the gill is healthy. And you can reframe IT.

See, guilt shows that you care. That's why you feel that way. If you are a nurse assistive dush bag, you wouldn't feel guilty at all for putting yourself first.

I want a frame guilt in a different way for you, kay. Let's frame IT from a bad sign who am doing something bad and putting myself into a good one. Stop seeing guilt as a bad thing because you're not doing anything wrong.

When you put yourself first, start seeing guilt is a good thing. Guilt is a sign that you're breaking free of these people please inhabit. You feel guilty because putting yourself first is just a new feeling that's IT.

Two things can be true in life. At the same time, you can feel guilty and you can still put yourself first. Pretty cool. It's not an either or.

That's why I say that this topic is about balancing your needs with the fact that in order to have great relationships, you do have to compromise sometimes, and the baLance comes in because in order for you to have the life that you want, you are going to disappoint people that you love sometimes. I experience this all the time. I'm fifty four years old. I still want to make my parents happy.

why? Because I love him and because that's what i've always done. And so when I get into one of those moments where IT is about anting act, it's not easy.

So I tell your story. My dad is an enormous billiards fan. And when he was in either college or medical school, he used to hustle for money at a pool hall like he is a great poor player.

And I grew up in a town called msi gan, michigan, which is the world headquarters of a company called brunswig, which used to make all of the old poll tables. And so my dad became just a huge fan of collecting antique pool and billiard artifacts. In fact, my parents house is full of them, old, poor balls, poor cues, the little counting like things that hang on the ceiling, art work chairs from billions.

My loves this stuff. So when Chris, I got married, he gave us a refurbished brunswick full table that dated back to the eighteen hundreds. And I had been in a viking's lodge in michigan, michigan.

And he ended up buying at an auction, had a reverbed ed. And IT was like, the greatest thing ever. But here's the problem.

When Chris I got married, we lived in an apartment like whose apartment has room for a pool table. And so this beautiful poll table SAT in my parents basement in north mosi gan, michigan, for over a decade. And so all this time goes by.

Chris and I have now moved to boston with bought our first house. IT is a timi timy firehouse. There was not a single room that was big enough to clear a pool table.

We couldn't even fit IT in our house. So more years go by, and then Chris and I finally have enough money to finance the house and put on a small addition. We are going to put on a garage with a room above the garage.

That's what we are gonna do. And my dad, he was like, great, that reads, the full table finally has a home. Now, I had envisioned that this room above the government would be the kids playroom, right? And I thought, oh, okay, well, you know, it's a two car age.

So clearly we could put a pool table in there. And to be the kids player. So get this. My dad is so excited that I fly back to mica an and here, and I take a road trip in a uhl where we drive from michigan all the way to boston together. And we bring back all kinds of stuff from my parents basement.

We split a bs of plants from their yard, and the pool table is in the back, and we assemble the poll table. And when they finally finished assembling this table, it's SAT in the middle of the playroom like a felted aircraft Carrier. Our playroom, as IT turns out, was only big enough to put a poll table at IT.

No room for the couch, no room for the kids play table, just a big as antique pull table. That was a sign of my father's love and devotion to his daughter. Did I want to pull table there? But for the first year to IT was great, but then IT literally just collected dust.

And as the kids got older, IT became the table that they played legos on. And then I became the table that I folded laundry on, and then my business started to grow. And I started thinking, boy, would be awfully nice to have an office, a place to work. But I didn't dare disassemble at le table.

Why the thought of discipline? My father, heart breaking, because I love him, and I did not know what I know now I thought that in order to have my dad loved me, that meant th that I had to just keep this pulled table like a muslims is at the word that uh represented, you know, my father and my duty and my loyalty and as my company began to grow, we put plywood on top of the pull table, and we worked on that. So Janet, I totally understand what you mean when you say god, I felt crushing guilt literally for years about even thinking about this, assembling that pull table that my dad gave us.

The only thing I care about was not disappointing my father, and so i've looked like this for years. And then I finally thought, who tell my doing, i'm a grown ass woman. I need to disassemble the poll table my dad will understand.

And in order to put my needs first and my business first, and for my kids to have a place to be able to be too, I need to take the room back. And so I finally got the courage to pick up the phone and call my dad. And i'm gona tell you the print worthy details about that call.

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Welcome back I ml. Robins and you and I talking about guilt and the art of putting yourself first. So let's go back to my story about the pool table that my father gave to us and me feeling like the world's worst daughter.

Okay, so i'll never forget this day that I finally picked up the phone to call my dad. And when I heard his voice, I immediately regret calling him because I started to chicken out. Hey, now what's up? Hey, dad.

And of course, I talk about nothing and my stomach ache is turning and i'm starting to feel stressed diary coming on and finally, i'm like, okay, god, my five, four, three, two, one, you're not eat years old anymore. You just feel like you aren't my dad. I ve got to talk you about something.

So yeah, what's up? okay. So the poll table you gave us yeah yeah I hawa go and you guys love using IT.

I am so happy, your brother, they just moved into their house in chicago and so the the table that I gave them, it's in their basement. We played last weekend. My heart is thinking in my chest.

This is not knowing according to plan. So I take a deep breath, ida, about the pool table. My business is growing so fast. I really need a place for the people that worked for me to come and work. Oh, great.

They're going to love playing on the pool table too like you know the cool office is all had pull tables and pink rocket dad, um I don't have enough room um in the room that I said, oh work to go in the living room like if you got dad, I i'd like IT just can't because the living room not big enough so what are you saying now? But what i'm saying is I was going to hire the guy that you hired to to like level IT and put the slate in to come back and lovingly like take IT apart. And I was going to store IT in a really loving way until I have a place for silence.

You want to know how I felt in that moment. I felt like the world were daughter. I felt like an ungrateful piece of shit, because through the silence, I could feel my dad's heart sick.

And IT was a really hard thing to do and that's why I say this is a baLance like IT so easy to say on a tiktok video, just say no, when is somebody that you love and you know that you're going to disappoint them? That's not easy and you can still do IT. And what's interesting about that moment is IT didn't feel like this Victory because I knew that he was disappointed and I was disappointed too.

And that's why i'm going to keep on saying learning how to baLance those moments when you know that your decision that is truly best for you and what you need is going to disappoint someone. Remember that two things can be true. You can do what right for you, and you can have somebody be disappointed in you.

And you can know that deep down, they still love you mean people that you love disappoint you all the time, all the time, and you still love them. And it's a real art to learn how to be in those moments with Grace and advocate for yourself and still holds space for somebody to be upset with you or disappointed in you or sad about IT. That's what that moment was.

IT was just both of us feeling disappointed that IT wasn't different. And do they teese me when they come over? Of course they did for years. For years they did.

This was pretty recently, by the way, everybody, i'm just remembering back to the fact that when I released the five second rule book, IT was two thousand seventeen, and I self published that. And we did all of the internal layouts. Do you know I use that pull table for IT was our creative desk, where I laid out the entire design of the five second road books. So i'm talking less than five years ago, everybody. I had this conversation with my father.

And whenever they would come visit, they would walk in and they'd look in the direction where my office was a nice poll table, or every time I would say, yeah, love graham's uh, table from the kitchen and then my mom would say something narky like, how is IT going to end up in the basement with the poll table? You sure you want IT? And you know what, they're allowed to say that they're allowed to be disappointed.

They're are allowed to call me out on that. And I have to create space for them to have their feelings. And I also believe that that's one of the things we don't talk about a lot in relationships and people pleasing, like you think when you're people pleasing, it's all one way. It's not. It's a given, a take.

If you want other people to make room for the very real emotions that you feel and the reason why you need to put yourself first in certain circumstances, then you gotta show up and hold up your end of the bargain, and make room for their feelings of disappointment and confusion and sadness. And just know that when somebody is given the space to process IT or to make a joke or say something snarky, because let's face IT, do you know it's underneath that narky comment? Is he going to end up in the basement like the pool table? It's hurt.

It's sadness that's not processed in a healthy way. And so just keep in mind that, yes, when you start putting yourself first and when you start making decisions, you will disappoint other people, give them space to feel that and know that they will still love you. They do, even if they don't express IT in a constructive way, and also know that you can feel guilty, I sure is how felt guilty.

And you wanted know what I feel, feel guilty, even I know my fault. And I feel so guilty that you know what? Now that we're here in southern vermont and i've built this dream house of mine, I may damn fucking sure there's not only space for that pull table.

I built a barn so that we could put a pull table in there. So dad, I know you're listening. You get your s up here because i'm going to beat you in a game of pool when you do come OK and I can't wait and yeah, I still feel little guilty.

Why guilty is good? That means I care and IT means I am expanding my capacity to live in that baLance to do things that really work for me and know that that is not gonna for some other people. And that's okay.

That's what it's all about. Okay, let's take a quick break and you are a word from our sponsors. I call my father on the break.

I'm not a light of and when we come back, we have a great question from a list or named cording. And I want to tell you something about your brain and its connection to people pleasing stay with us. Let's talk about the special bond you have with your pet.

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Welcome back. I ml Robins were talking about people pleasing, and i'm really excited because we have a great question from a list or name cory.

Hi man. This is courtney from lousianner. I have a question for you. Through therapy, I have discovered more self love, which in turn has made me a different person. I've learned to create boundaries. My question is that I find family members are close friends that have been with me for most of my life. A lot of them don't like the new me. I think they see the new boundaries, this rejection um i've heard family members say when I you know say that won't work for me or things of that nature that is rude, kind and flexible, difficult. But i'm just wondering if other people have discovered that a lot of times once you kind of enter a world of more self love and more authenticity, if you feel a sense of rejection from others.

Corny, I absolutely love this question. And in particular, I want to focus in on the word rejection. When you start putting yourself of first, do you feel rejection from others? The answer is yes.

And I wanted now talk a little bit about why and explain a really interesting connection between your brain, the way that your brain processes stress or discomfort, and this tendency that we have to please other people. Instead of making the right decision for herself, let's just use the example of me and this full table. For years I knew that I wanted to disassemble the full table and I would walk past the room. And there IT is, you know like, uh, new york city bus sitting in the middle of a room in a small far house.

And I would feel this tension in my body because I knew what I wanted, which was, could I disassemble this and not disappoint my dad? Could I disassemble this can not be the worlds worst daughter? How could I do that? And that tension between what I wanted, which was to have that room back, and this pain that I knew that might cause my dad, he created this awful discomfort inside of me, like even the idea of making the phone call.

I thought about making that phone call to my father for years. And you want to know what kept me from not making that phone call, the discomfort that I felt in my body. People pleasing is not about other people. People pleasing is your inability to tolerate that discomfort. So many of us resort to keeping the peace, or staying quiet, or not picking up the phone, because we're terrified of creating more discomfort in our bodies.

And that is what the heart of people pleasing is, that you just don't like to feel the tension of, what if the upset, what if this, what that? And this goes all the way back to childhood, and there's a lot of research around this. In fact, based on research, this discomfort that you feel when you know that what you want is at odds with how somebody else is gonna feel the discomforts Normal, you're actually wired this way.

And this has to do with the fact that we, as human beings, are designed to be in groups. We are designed to bond with other people. And when what you want, you know, putting yourself first is at odds with how somebody else is going to feel, it's at odds with your own wiring.

And this is according to research from doctor wan dominga of montage university and melbourne, e australia. Doctor domingo says we avoid confrontation because of this uncomfortable sensation. And neurologically IT trigger you to try to just make the uncomfortable situation go away.

Brain can show that the europe frontal cortex, which mediates decision making and the anti insula, shows way more activity than other regions in the brain. When you're in a situation or what you want is in confrontation with somebody else, what you're experiencing and what i'm experiencing every single moment when I walk past that room, I see the poll table. I know, my god, i'd would love to just assemble that, but I I like, I can't do that to my dad.

He's such an awesome dude. IT is such an amazing gift. What kind of a selfish piece of shit up I to even think that thought when you feel that wave of distress, that's cognitive dissidents.

That's what's happening with you. And that uncomfortable feeling is what makes you cave. It's what turns you into a people pleaser.

And that's why this is so hard. And ultimately, this is like a huge wake up call. I hope people pleasing is not about other people.

It's about you and your inability to tolerate confrontation or discomfort in your own and body. And I strugling with this. That's why self awareness is key.

See people, please and work. That's why we do IT. And so I want to come back to the word that you use, rejection. rejection.

When you start to change, what's gonna happen is all that discomfort that you suppressed by keeping the piece or falling in line, or saying what you think other people want to hear, or just doing what everybody else wants to do. When you start putting yourself first, that discomfort that you are suppressing now appears in the world. So I want you to expect IT everybody.

And again, I talked about this in the pulled table story. Just give people place to be disappointed. Just give people space to feel if they need to feel.

Because whenever you change and you start making decisions that either go against somebody's expectations, no, i'm not coming for thanksgiving. We're going to stay home with the kids. You know, my parents was to that to me.

I wanted them to come up for the holidays, really wanted them to spend Christmas with us this year. And when I invite, they're like, thank you very much. We'd love to be with you.

And no, we make IT a rule not to travel during the holidays. If you seen the airport, they are crazy. And then of course, there are these huge storms and all kinds of cancellations and they called break before Christmas.

Like we're glad we didn't come, but I was disappointed doesn't change the fact that I love them. They are just putting themselves first. That's what that is.

And because they're able to do that, that tension that they'd Normally be managing their body. Now IT comes between us because we're IT on, but that's okay. That's what life is about.

And you got ta be able to work IT out. And you know, I want to tell you one other thing you can use a little empathy. You know, my parents were great when they called and said we're not coming because they knew I was disappointed.

And they also said, we'd love to see you and we just don't want to do IT. Having done this, so many years were over IT. We don't have to be together on Christmas.

Why you come down, which I am going down next week and spending a week with them and be a lot easier to fly. And so they made room for my feelings, and they still did what made them feel good. That's the sign of a loving relationship, loving somebody, how they need and want to be loved. And so when you start to change, it's going to change the dynamic. And the main thing to keep in mind about putting yourself first is that when you start to make decisions that work for you, IT makes other people think about the decisions that they're making.

So if you start to say, uh, no, i'm not going to meet you at the local diner for pancakes and sausage this morning like we have every year for ten years because i'm actually go on for a training run for this five k i'm running then me like, what would you mean? You want to know why? Because if they're used to you doing a certain thing, IT is rejection.

I wanted my parents to come for the holidays, and when they said, no, that I going to work for us, you know what, that was that sport section, because I didn't meet my expectation. But let's go back to the bottom mine. I'm allowed to feel that way, and they are allowed to make decisions that they want to make.

And if we make space for each other, what comes to as the love but IT? So give them room, expect them to feel that way. And you now understand the site. okay. I've got another question from a listener, and her name is anna time.

My name's anna. I just buy your stories and thought i'd sent over a question that i've been having. I consider myself very independent person and and definitely very disciplined and what I do, but that leads me to live a life that is very different from most of the people us around myself with, I guess. So my question is more of how to really honing on that discipline and and keep living the life that you know you should be living even when others don't understand IT or just don't get wired why you're doing IT.

thanks. And everybody that you are surrounded with right now has been on the road with you up until this point. But they have no idea what your data life is like moving forward because you're not living the same kind of life.

And here's what I want you to understand when this happens and you start to make very deliberate changes, whether it's in your health or maybe you ve launched a business or you are tired of a gossipy social climbing circle of friends and now you're seeking deeper meaning in your life, you don't have to ditch those people. They can continue to be in your life and they will be part of the rest of your life, but they're never going to understand what you're going through because they don't live the day to day life that you're living. And a major mistake that I see people making is, as we're making major changes, return to our existing friends and our family for council, and they have absolutely no idea what we're going through.

So for example, there are very few people on the planet who actually understand what I do for a living. I can count them on one hand when IT comes to speaking on corporate stages, hosting a podcast, creating content for people, starbucks and length in and auto, to being an entrepreneur, to having the social media following, to having a marriage and a family like very few people that understand the pressure i'm under, the impact that i'm making, the goals, the hopes, the dreams, the frustrations. My husband doesn't understand IT.

He's not in that world. My kids don't understand that. My friends don't understand IT. If I want somebody to truly understand what my life looks like, I gotto pick up the phone and called jh uti a culture, or tend shelton, like somebody who is doing what i'm doing, and IT goes for everything. I'm in the middle of menopause.

I'm not going to go to a twenty eight year old fitness free and ask them for advice about my stomach. They don't understand what i'm going through. And so i'm i'm making this point because when IT comes to people pleasing and when IT comes to putting yourself first, the way that you continue to create discipline is too fold.

You have to get super intentional. About seeking out more people in your life, either through master mind groups, or following people on social media, or attending online classes, or going to different events. You gotta find people who are up to what you're up to because you will understand, they'll support you, and you have to stop seeking validation from the people that are already around you, because that's not why you're doing this thing.

And here's one more thing I want to tell you. Why do you care what they think? You already said you're independent. You already said you're putting yourself first. Why on earth would you seek validation or advice from somebody, do you and trade laws with just stop asking people who are miserable or unqualified to validate your happiness, your life, your choices. You got ta validate yourself by making decisions at work for you.

Stop looking for validation from other people, particularly other people who don't even understand themselves or what you're doing because if they can understand themselves, if they don't understand what you're even trying to do, there's no way and how they're ever going to understand or endorse what you're doing. Instead, start looking to people who have made the changes that you, anna make, who have the values that you, anna, make. Not only do they understand what IT takes to make this change, but they also have the confidence in the track record and the experience to cheer you on.

Well, we've covered a lot of ground, and I think you're starting to realize, wow, this people pleasing thing isn't really about saying no. It's about self awareness. It's about my ability to catch those moments where those uncomfortable feelings rise up and to tolerate them.

It's about my ability to know that they're going to be times of my life where i'm going to be making decisions that people that I deeply love gonna disappointed by. And I can make space for both thirty three times in my life where i'm pursuing a change in my lifestyle that nobody around me understands, nobody else is pursuing. And I gotta stop this default of seeking validation and advice from the people who don't understand what i'm doing.

And when you learn how to do that and start making decisions that really empower you in the long run, your life is gona change, is gonna be more meaningful, it's going to be richer, deeper. You're gonna feel more agency and control in your life. And I know what you're thinking right now.

Now, if on the kind of person that has never, ever, ever put myself first, how the heck do I even know when to do IT? And let me tell you some first, you have to go back to the beginning and becomes soft ware, and you have to get deliberate about defining the person you are becoming. Let's hear this final question from a listener to this podcast .

named della hi. Now I am a big fan from ireland. My name is ella and a single song way too. And something that I definitely struggle with is being afraid to show up as my true, authentic self to all people at all times. Yeah, just any advice would be amazing on how to just get Better at doing that and have the confidence to just be my authentic to self and all the time that would be Grace.

And thank you. Now thank you. First informers for your honesty, but i'm going to say something a little provocative. You kept saying the words to authentic s of authenticity of authenticity s self.

And I want you to stop and ask yourself, do you even know who you are? Do you know what that means when you say I am my true authentic self? And the reason why i'm asking you this question is because I don't think most people do.

I think we want to be our authentic sales course. But what does that even mean? You know, listening to your question, that reminds me when I was writing the high five habit, there was a woman who wrote to me from ireland.

And I ended up getting on the phone and then on a zoom call, and I spent a lot of time talking to her, and he is in the book. And I want to bring this up because I want to make a point about the pressure that we fail to conform. So in this example of the woman from ireland, SHE was writing about the fact that he wanted to get IT force, that is, her true, authentic s self.

Yet SHE had been delaying doing this for seven years because of the pressure of the catholic church, because of the disappointment of her mother, because of what the press might think, because of what the whole freaking country of violence might think. And so i'm highlighting this because for some of us, people pleasing is even paper and sort of this discomfort. It's the social norm, like you ouldn't be caught dead in some cultures, or in some religions, or in some households, hearing from the norm, the pressure is so intense, it's just the air that you breathe.

For many people, that is the case. So if that you, you might not even know what the authentic you is, because you have been told for so long by your country, by your religion, by your family, by the community, living by whatever who you supposed to be. And i'm gona give you a really important exercise.

I want you to just imagine that you are a screenwriter. You are about to write a movie about the real. You write a character description and describe a day life of the real. You remove the country you live in, remove the religion you grow up with.

You didn't remove the stories that you've been telling yourself with the pressure you feel or the disappointment, or what other people think you shouter shouldn't do, and write the story a day life of who you are, your core, when you would wake up, where you would live, where you would go, what kind of work you do, what kind of friends that you have, what are your habits, what are you love doing? Who are you laughing with? This is such an important exercise because, again, remember, I told you that people pleasing begins with you truly knowing yourself if you don't really know who you are, because you've always been told who to be, and you've spent your life feeling like you do nothing but conforming.

This is a really important step for you to take because people pleasing at its cores, you believing the person that you are deep inside, it's not good enough. You're not good enough. And based on what we've talked about, you can start to change that. But you really have to go through the steps of getting curious about who you are for real.

And if the idea of you having a conversation like I did with my dad or you telling somebody that you're not coming over for dinner because you're tired and that's the truth, or saying that note, you can't borrow my pickup truck again, I don't lend IT out anymore. If that makes you really uncomfortable, here's a tool that you can use to start to experiment with that moment of discomfort. And the tool is called switch and this comes from research.

You not say yes, you're gna go from saying, sure, i'll let you bar on my car or sure will come to things, are sure i'll do that or yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, switch to do a pause. I'll think about IT may you check my counter? I'll go back you on that. When you switch your yes to a pause and you buy yourself some time, you're gonna a little less pressure.

For example, when you say, let me get back to you twenty minutes later, you can email back and say, thank you so much for the invitation I booked, or send no over text if it's too hard to say IT in person, or say no over the phone if you don't want to say IT to their face. But switching from feeling the pressure to say yes to putting yourself in a pause, that's what I want you to practice because if you can say i'll get back to let me think about IT you got time to settle those uncomfortable feelings because remember, it's not about the other person. It's about you not being able to tolerate that discomfort that rises up, and then you immediately make the discomfort going away by going go.

Okay, final, do IT no switch into pause. Switch into pause. Because in that pause you're going to find some peace. In that pause is where you going to find that baLance. And i'm going to give you one more quick little example about how this works.

So I was in loss figures and we were on day fifteen of a sixteen day business trip, and we landed late and we did a tech check because I was delivering a speech in the morning and we were about to head up to the hotel that was eight o clock at night. And I turned to my friends and mike, we should I get some deep because we have an eat sense launch. I know it's late and we're going to get up early and then to race into the speech and were a rest and around any food sometimes.

So we went straight to the stake house that was in the casino. We walk in there wearing sweats off in airplane. IT is eight thirty at night.

This place has a trick in D. J. In the bar, people are thinking and bumping and glitters and Sparkles everywhere. They see this right away in the bar at a high top. The three of his order immediately, because we are gna shovel down that food.

I got the yon and mash potatoes, and we got mock tails and write above her head was the speak that was like, boom, bom, bom. B. I mean, IT was like zero to a thousand inside this place.

I was not ready for this. I just wanted to get some protein in my stomach and get to back as I speech to give, and I was exhausted. So we're eaten more kind of pop in and talk in and right when the state comes, I hand the waitress my cricket and say, just bring us the bill because i'm to take off.

And so I finish really quickly, and I look up and my friend aimed who am traveling with, i'm not kidding. He is taken three bites of her stake, which is sliced with perfection on top of an enormous salad. I'm finished.

I am clean play club. I am ready to fall asleep despite the like music I look over and amy. SHE is eating in slow motion.

SHE is enjoying every bite. I think he is engaged in a mindfulness meditation with the stake and salad at this point. And as I assess what is left on our plate, I think this is kind of fucked.

And take her twenty minutes seed. He's nine thirty at night. I am exhausted. This is the moment i'm talking about everybody.

This is the baLance because the way of discomfort comes up in my body. I want to leave, I want to go to bed, and I don't want to be a dush. I mean, here, one of my closest friends is sitting here enjoying a salad.

We've been on the road together. I'm like a rider die kind of person. What kind of a jerk leaves their female friend alone at a high top in a bar with a solid that has eighty five percent to go in terms of completion just because they are tired? I do.

Uh, that's a joke. No, it's a balancing act. I said to myself, well, what's really gonna ve me because my number one job is to kill IT in that speech tomorrow is to ask amy if IT would be OK for me to go upstairs and just go to bed.

The old male would have been like, I would have just said there, because I would be rude to leave somebody. And often times we don't even ask, we don't even ask. And amy sitting over there, so amy, I want you to get on the night because I rode the balancing act, I use the tools and I turned to her because a lot of this is also about the context and it's about how you say.

It's not what you're saying, it's how you say IT. And so you don't feel like i'm leaving who I add your bitches. That's not what I said.

I just said, aim. Would I be OK if I head upstairs and go to sleep? I'm exhausted and aiming, what was your experience at this moment? I was relieved.

I felt like, thank god, because I do not want her to sit and watch me. Saverin, everybody. I wanted you to do you, and I wanted me to do me, which was enjoy my stake and salad.

So when I when you notice that my plate was clean. And so as mEllenda, yeah. And used to have twenty minutes to go.

What were you feeling? honestly? I was happy you asked, because we talked about IT and made IT a win win situation.

I wanted you to hear that this is why you often don't even ask. And amy was relieved that I asked because, you know what? SHE doesn't want to sit there and feel pressure.

SHE wanted to enjoy herself. That's exactly what he did. MeLinda, I went upstairs SHE SAT there for another twenty five minutes open.

And we've been alone, having the best salad of her life without her annoying sitting there staring at her like he was some kind of a zoo animal. So we all won. Bottom line, people pleasing is not about the other people about you.

So notice when IT comes up, notice that discomfort, find the strength to say, no, i'm gonna sit here with this comfort and do something that doesn't serve me when you have the ability to recognize this and you have the ability to say, no, i'm not going to just fall in the line. No means that you're in charge your life, no strengthens yourself discipline, no keeps your goals and your happiness. Front center IT can make you stronger so that you change patterns and habits that don't serve you.

Because when you don't say no, you're saying yes to some mouse IT is powerful. When you say no, I am gonna do that. I'm gna ride this uncomfortable wave and i'm gna do what works for me. And i'm going to know at the end that you can be disappointed and you're still gonna ve me.

But i'm gona love myself a little bit more because every time you say yes to you, you are proving to yourself that you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have support, you deserve to go to bed in vegas because it's late, and you deserve to have that room back because you need IT, and you deserve to do things that really work for you. So starts saying no, start tolerating the discomfort, switch your yes to a pause and put yourself back in, charge your happiness, your life IT starts with you always, always, always, always. And I know you can do IT, and I want you to do IT.

So today, when those uncomfortable emotions rise up, and that balancing act IT is here, do IT do you and know that in case that person's disappoint? Ted, remember your friend, male Roberts, I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a Better life for you. Now go to IT. I'll talk to you a few days.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. stitcher.

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