Unlock a Happier Life: 3 Research-Backed Secrets
54:14 Share

Amica is an incredible sponsor of the mall robs forecast, and they are also our exclusive insurance partner. There is a reason why amica representative care there. That's the reason they take the time to get to know you.

They want to know your needs, so you get policy that gives you both coverage and a piece of mind. Ica representatives are real caring people who are always there to help you as a trusted partner to their customers. Amica a representatives understand that insurance is about protecting the life you've built.

So go to a mea dot com and get a quote today looking for perfect gift for everyone on your list, egg, nike, barefaced dreams, kate spade, new york and more. Our north from rock stores now find everything on their wishes all in one place. Head to your north from rex store score, great brands, great places, the greatest gifts of all time.

Hey, it's a friend mail and welcome to an episode of the melrose in's podcast that is gonna you be happier. Let's do this thing. Hey, it's mouth.

I am so excited you here because today you are going to dig into a super cold topic, the science of happiness. And there are so many new listeners that if you're new, I just wanted take a minute and welcome you personally to the podcast. I mell a near times pestle author in one of the world's leading experts on change motivation and habits.

And I believe that there are simple things that you and I can do based on research and common sense that will help us both create a Better life. And one of the biggest elements of a Better life is getting intentional about being a happier you, bringing more happiness into your life. And the subject of happiness, the science around IT.

It's really misunderstood. But the good news today for you and for me is that you don't have to dig into the research because i've done IT for you. I have read all the latest research and am also very, very familiar with the largest longer to no study, eighty four years long and going.

And today, what you and I are going to talk about is i'm going to boil down the decades of research into a powerful metaphor that is, gonna help you understand happiness at a whole new level. And i'm also going to give you the three elements of happiness based on the research that you can apply to your life. And even though this is all grounded in research and science, i'm not trying to give you a PHD.

Today, you're gonna live with three takeaway that a Normal human being, like your me, can apply to our already busy in overwhelming life, so that we become happier in our lives. And I so believe in what we're about to talk about, because these three things that we're going to focus on today, this is what I have been working on for the past three years of my own life. And the difference that IT is made in the amount of happiness that i'm experiencing, it's kind of hard to describe in words.

So I want to say right up front, this conversation IT could actually change your life. Absolutely everything we're going to talk about today is accessible to you. And I also want to thank the sponsors of the male Robins podcast.

Because of their support, I can bring you this awesome stuff at zero cost. And that brings me to our very first question about happiness from a listener and bAndra. It's Andrea.

Can you talk about happiness? I can't think of a time that I have felt true happiness. I'm just living.

I guess I feel that something is missing, and I believe it's happiness. Andrea, I love the way from that question. And for you listening, i'm gonna a put that question way back to you.

Can you think of a time that you felt true? Or are you like most people, that you feel like something is missing from your life and you can't quite put your finger on IT? You know, when I hear Andreas question, I can totally relate to IT because I know I felt the way that she's feeling and one of the mistakes that I was making when I felt like something was missing, as I, of course, went on the search, I gotta find happiness.

And here's the first piece of research that I want to talk about. Research says that happiness, or that feeling that we're seeking of happiness, it's often fleeting because we are searching for happiness in the wrong places. In fact, researchers at rankers and the university of toronto found that people who pursue happiness, you're chasing IT.

You're looking for IT outside your you often feel like you don't have enough time in the day, and this paradoxically makes you feel unhappy because when you feel like you don't have enough time in the day, because you're constantly chasing all these things outside of you, you start to feel like you're not in control of your life. And I think that's what andry is talking about, that we're all chasing down some version of happiness that we think we're supposed to be chasing, right? That society has marketed some version of life to us, and that's why you probably are familiar with that phrase.

I'll be happy when we also come to that thinking. I'll be happy when I lose the weight, I fall in love, I land that dream job, I pay off my bills, I get into my dream school. I find the perfect department.

And there's a multiple problems with thinking like this. First of all, if you think that you'll be happier when you achieve something, what always happens is when you achieve IT, you're not as happy as you thought you would be. And then all the sudden, because you don't have this big goal in front of you anymore, you're happiness planet.

And so the research is very, very clear that these big events that we're chasing, that we think you're gona give us a boost of happiness, that happiness doesn't last. And there's a second reason why this kind of thinking that you'll be happy at some point in the future, why this is really problematic. It's because you are anchored your happiness and something that hasn't happened yet.

That means your happiness is something you have to earn. Your happiness is something that's outside of you, and that's not what happiness is at all. Happiness is always within your control.

Happiness is something that you want to cultivate in your life where you are right now. And the good news is you don't have to wait to be happy when you can learn to be happier now. So let me explain, based on the research, how happiness works when IT comes to you individually.

So there's this formula that supported by the science that says that if you think about your capacity for happiness, you have one hundred percent capacity for happiness. That's what you got. Your cup can be full and run is over hundred percent baby happiness is for you.

Fifty percent of that capacity is genetics. That's your default. So you might be somebody that has fifty percent genetics that are preset to being very Sunny and kind of bubbly and happy or fifty percent of your genetics might be like me, your kind of grumpy.

That's okay because you still have the other fifty percent to play with. Ten percent of the rest is based on the circumstances that you're facing right now. And forty percent of happiness period in your life right now is completely under your control, and that's what we're gona focus on because that's awesome.

No matter what kind of family you were born into, no matter what you're facing right now in your life, forty percent of your capacity for happiness right now, completely in your control. And so before we go forward, I wanna make sure that as we're talking, that we're in complete agreement about what the word happiness means. Because when you and I use the word happy or happiness, we might be saying totally different things.

There is a huge spectrum when people use this word. In fact, researchers even talk about the fact that happiness is all over the map. Some people, when they say happiness, they mean laughing and having a good time. Other people mean fulfillment or thriving or kicking us in life.

And so you and I going to have a conversation right now about what you mean when you say happiness, where are you on the spectrum between laughter and have a great time to feeling completely fulfilled and thriving in life. And so in order for you and I to get on the same page, i'm going to bring a metaphor. And, you know, mr.

Robins, SHE loves her metaphors. SHE loves her visual explanations for these big, heady concepts. And thankfully, I got a great one for happiness.

So whenever you hear the word happiness, I want you to think about an ocean. okay? There are waves in the ocean, and that's one spectrum of happiness.

And waves come and they go. And having fun in the waves requires you to jump in the waves, to get into the ocean, to decide that you're gonna go have fun. But then if you think about the ocean, there are days that there is no ways at all. It's perfectly still. And the ocean itself and your ability to stand in the ocean to float and to swim, that's a deeper form of happiness.

Or what about the days where the ocean is stormy and you wouldn't dare go in, but on those days that you're on the beach, are you so present to the wind, to the salt, to the waves crashing on the beach? That's what I want you to think about, that huge range of how an ocean shows up. And I love this metaphor and ocean for happiness, the waves being fun, and the still ocean being your ability to just experience happiness, and you being present, even on the stormy st.

days. To the little details, i'd love this range because that is right back to all of the research. But IT gives us a visual.

So when you look at the research around happiness, researchers have put happiness into two big categories. One is he donor happiness. And he donor happiness is, am I having funny? Now it's the moment to moment fluctuating experiences that you have.

And let's go back to the metaphor. It's like the ways in the ocean, they come and they go. You can jump in, you can play, you can have fun, and then it's over. And then there is the deeper happiness, the ultimate happiness, which is the sense of your life having meaning of you, feeling fulfilled and thriving in that life of yours.

And it's important for you to understand that happiness has these two buckets because I think what happens for a lot of us, and this kind of gets to Andreas question, is that maybe you have one type of happiness, maybe you have a lot of fun on the surface, but life doesn't feel very meaningful. Or maybe your deep in IT, but you any fun? And so I really want to unpack the difference tween these two things and why you need both before we jump into the three different ways that you can increase ed happiness in your life.

And we're going to do that by bringing in another question from a list or name, Rachel. But first, we're going to hear a word from response and then we will hear Rachel question when we come back. Oh, i'm so excited to tell you about one of our sponsors or a frames. I love them.

why? Because like me, proba took a million photo this year. Oakly graduated from high school. Chris, I went on this unforgettable vacation together.

Our family climbed mk katon where the photos are Normally they be on my phone, but not anymore. Why I have an ora digital photo frame. IT sits on my kitchen counter.

I gave one of my parents, it's on their kitchen counter. I gave IT to candle, who lives in L. A. Oakly up in his dorm room or is a digital frame, looks and feels like a Normal picture frame. But check this out.

You just send photos to IT and all the sudden your photos are right there everywhere, updates all the time, and your family can update IT. I freak love IT. It's the best gift to give yourself. It's the best gift to give everyone else. And for a limited time, visit ora frames dot com and get forty five dollars off or as best selling cover matt frames by using the code mail a check out that A U R A frame stock com proa code mail.

This exclusive black friday cyber monday deal is their best of the year, so don't you dare miss out terms and conditions apply as A B to b marketer, you know how know easy the ads base can be if your message isn't targeted to the right audience, IT just disappears into the noise. With linked in ads, you can precisely reach the professionals who are more likely to find your ad relevant. With linton targeting capabilities, you reach them by job title, industry company and more.

You'll have direct access to and build relationships with decision makers. A billion members, one hundred and thirty million senior level executives and ten million sea level executives stand out with linked in ads and start converting your B2B aud ience and to hig h qua lity lea ds. Today, what i've learned first hand is that lincoln can help you find the people who can actually move the needle for your business.

I can't imagine working without IT start converting your B2B aud ience in the hig h qua lity lea ds. today. They'll even give you a hundred dollar credit on your next campaign.

Go to linton doc flash mail to claim your credit. That's linton docs. Ash mall terms and conditions apply linked in the place to be to be wha'd like to get the new iphone sixteen pro with A T N T next up anytime.

It's like when you first light up the girl l and think of all the mouth watering possibilities, learn how to get the new iphone sixteen pro with apple intelligence on A T N T and the latest phone every year with a nt. Next up anytime A T N T connecting changes everything. Apple intelligence coming fall twenty twenty four with theory and device language set to U.

S. english. Some features and languages will be coming over the next year. Zero dollar offer may not be available on future iphones. Next up, anytime feature may be discontinued any time, subject to change additional fees, terms and restrictions apply, see A T T com ash iphone for details.

Hey, smell, welcome back. I want to thank you for listening to response ors because they help us bring you this podcast at zero cost in today's topic is super important. We are unpacking all of the research around happiness, and we've been talking about the importance of of what researchers call the two parts of happiness, hedonic and Eudora happiness and edema happiness.

Is that sense of life having meaning in being worthwhile. And we're gonna to a question from Rachel, because it's gona help me truly distinguished between the two parts and why hedonic heaven fun is really important. Female, I absolutely love your protests and all of your work.

I have a very little of question, and I know a one size fits all answer might not exist, but I wanted to ask anyway, um how can I truly be happy? How do I cultivate happiness? I read so many self help books, read a lot about the effects of child od trauma I journal.

I tried to be conscious of my habitual thoughts and patterns and work to reframe them. exercise. I'm always listening to inspiring and transformational content like you.

I feel like I do all the things, but I still struggle just to be happy and to feel happy, and I feel very stuck in the same emotions. And I really want to change. I really want to enjoy my life.

Do you have any advice, Rachel? I so relate you and I wanna just pass the my tea listening right now when Rachel said I just want enjoy my life, didn't you get the chills? Didn't you not along and say, yeah, I just wanted enjoy my life too and this is really on my mind because I think that's the point of life, right, to really try to enjoy IT.

And one of the things that I notice can happen when you are in a period in your life where you trying to heal, you're investing in yourself, in your personal growth. You mention that you're working on trauma. You're trying to dig out of some of the holes maybe that you feel like you fell into.

You're trying to change your mindset. That's serious work. That was me for years too. Here's the problem with having a big healing journey. You're not having any fun.

You know, I think about periods of my life when I was going through a lot of change, and I was working on myself and I was doing everything that you're doing, every book I picked up with self help, everything that I listen to, his self improvement. I couldn't even remember the last time I read a fiction novel, or I went to a concert, I went to a party. Everything got so serious because my focus became so serious.

And my focus was about improving my life, improving my life, improving my life and doing the work to change your life. It's important doing the work to identify toxic patterns that you have, a bad thinking patterns that make you feel like that's super important. But you must also double down on the fun while you're doing the deeper work.

And so the first thing that I want you to do is I want you to set an intention that your number one goal this year is to have more fun to invest in that first category, hedonic happiness that researchers say is so important because, yes, it's meaningful. Yes, it's fulfilling to do the hard work to change your life for the Better. But changing your life for the Better also means that you need more moments of fun in your life.

And I worry a lot about this. Based done what we've all experienced in the past three years. We've all become her mets. It's hard enough to get yourself at your house.

But the other thing that happened is if you're not going into work, if you're still working from home, you're also missing out on all of the spontaneous stuff that happens when you bump into people when you're out about. In fact, I can tell you a story just the other night. This happened to me, IT was sunday night.

And you know, as a bit of background, my husband, I had got ten, some really awful news last week that a very, very close friend of ours, suddenly I age forty seven, heart attack gone, and I had been hold up in my house ever since hearing the news. I was super sad, feeling down, and I didn't left the house in days. And so on sunday case to me, now I four thirty reservation at the papal tennis courts, which is a kind of form of almost like pingpong g that you can play, sort of like pick ball in the middle of the winner on these, on these tennis courts.

Outside with some friends, he was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to just curl up on the couch and suck my thun and feel sad. And we got into the car, and the entire right over, I was sitting there thinking, should I tell Christ pest, that he made this date with this couple to go play battle? Should I tell him this is the last thing that I want to do? I kept saying to myself, should I say, should I not say, ade, just suck IT up.

It's going to be OK. We pull up the sun, starting to go down its freezing. I've got a head on and mitts on and i'm grumpy and I don't really want na be there.

And then I see our friends, and I felt a little lighter. Do you know? I took about five seconds of hitting the ball around for me to feel totally different.

The truth is I needed the fun. I needed the laugh. I needed to not be thinking about something so heavy.

I needed to see people that I really like. I needed to do something that wasn't, it's serious, like working on myself for feeling sad or grieving. I needed fun and getting out on that papal court. IT was fun.

And there is a part of me that is sitting here going, well, are we really having a conversation right now on this podcast about the obvious, that we need to schedule time to have fun, that we need to force ourselves out of our houses, that we need to break this habit of being isolated and lonely? Yeah, we do have to have this conversation because I don't think you and I have truly grasped the extent to which our data, day lives and our happiness has been impacted by this past three years. I mean, even those of us who really enjoyed that period of lockdown were were trapped inside with our families.

Um this new Normal, this part of IT where we're sort of back to oral, but we're not but we're coping, but we're not like this situation. The loneliness and isolation IT feels like it's become everybody's new lifestyle. It's our new default.

And so IT sounds obvious for me to say to you, you have to prioritize fun. But this isn't just obvious. It's well researched. Researchers have proven that the difference between people who are happy and those of us who aren't is that happy people prioritize doing things that make them happy.

I know it's so dumb, but I need a reminder to so now let's go back to my analogy about about the ocean and the beach and waves and happiness. And I want you to just imagine that you're sitting on the beach and those ways are rolling in and there's rolling out and there's a boogie board sitting next year. At some point, you have to get off the tower and you got to run into the ocean and you got to go play.

And the fact is, IT just takes one person to get everybody else to go. There's always that one person in a group of people at a beach who stands up first and grabs the boogie board and says, let's go body surfing. come.

My guys was going to the waves. And thankfully, this past sunday night for me, IT was Chris. He was that one person. And look, being intentional about enjoying your life, about having fun, particularly during those periods of time where you're greeting, where you are going through something difficult, where life feels heavy, prioritizing fun is critical.

But that's just one of the three things that you and I going to discuss when IT comes to getting intentional and amplifying up the forty percent of happiness that is within your control right now. And if you're sitting there are scratching your head going, oh my god, this is so me but melt like, I think I forgot how to have fun. Don't worry about IT. I've got an entire episode that we did a while back called how to have more fun. And I will link to that along with all the studies that we're talking about in the shown notes.

And so now that you and I ve been playing in the waves, and you understand the drag in yourself, out of the house, to the beach, of the tale, into the ocean, and forcing yourself to do things that are fun, that that is part of happiness that we cannot escape, you and I are now going to go deeper into the ocean and where to talk about the two other elements that you can tap into to create more happiness in your life right now. And we're going to do that using more questions from fellow listeners of the podcast. We come back.

Have you noticed that the experts on this podcast keep telling you and me over and over, if you want a Better life, you need Better sleep. And you can do that on an unsupportive, unhappy mattress that you've kept around for twenty years. I think about IT.

You eat right exercise, you're make a big moves in your life, and then you go and you flap down on a crappy, lumpy, gross matters. I mean, come on now, as you push through the crazy unions of the holiday season, feeling well rested is extra important. Sleeping on the right mattress you deserve that matters.

Firm knows the importance of undiscussed quality sleep and can match you with the right mattress for your best. There are a mess around. They've got the top mattress in the game, and the close part you see the mattress at a lower Price matters, formal matter.

But they got free fast deliveries. You'll be snooze like a pro in no time. A good night. Sleep is the fuel you need to tackle everyday with energy and confidence. This is a gift you need to give to yourself.

Get matched at mattress firm black friday sale and sleep at night text mail to seven six six six nine three for one hundred dollars off your next check. This at metro firm exclusion apply. This episode is brought to by male with a dedicated meral adviser.

You get a personalized plan for your financials, and when plans change meals with you every step of the way, go to M L dot com slash bullish to learn more marrow, a bank of amErica company. What would you like the power to do? Investing involves risk.

Mary lunch peers, fenner and Smith incorporated, registered broker dealer, registered investment advisor member, S I P C. What i'd like to get the new iphone sixteen pro with A T N T next up anytime. It's like when you first light up the girl and think of all the mouth watering possibilities, learn how to get the new iphone sixteen pro with apple intelligence on A T N T and the latest phone every year with nt.

Next up anytime A T N T connecting changes everything. Apple intelligence coming fall twenty twenty four with theory and device language set to U S. english.

Some features and languages will be coming over the next year. Zero dollar offer may not be available on future iphones. Up anytime feature may be discontinued at any time, subject to change. Additional fees, terms and restrictions apply C A T T I M sash iphone for details.

Welcome back. I mell Robins, and you and I are talking about what research says about creating more happiness in your life. We've already talked about the fact that researchers have identified two types of happiness. He done a happiness and edema happiness, both of which are critical to your overall feelings of happiness. And we've talked about why getting intentional about having more fun is critical to you feeling happier now.

Now we're going to jump into the deeper part of happiness, and that is the ultimate happiness, whether or not your life has meaning because when you go through periods of life where life is monotone IT just feels kind of blaw you on autopilot, you're not going to feel that happy. Just ask jana. Hey, my my name is ja.

And my question for you is how do you truly find happiness in everyday ordinary life at my mom of two boys and exchanging more days with being as joyful as I was when they were very little? As a mother of three kids who are now Young adults, uh, I can relate to what you are saying about how you are joyful when they were little. And I love that you use the word joyful, because I want to go back to that metaphor that I introduced at the very beginning of an ocean, and thinking about an ocean when you think about happiness.

And so to me, when you go to the beach, and it's a very, very calm day, there are no waves, there might not even be a cloud in the sky, but IT sure is beautiful. Happiness is like a still ocean on those days. It's your ability to stand in that ocean and feel the state of presence and connectiveness and gratitude to simply being in the ocean.

And I want to to come back to something that you also said that I absolutely loved. You use the word ordinary. And the reason why I think it's important for us to focus on on the word ordinary, as we often make the mistake of thinking that happiness is this big thing, this big burst, the big wave, and when IT comes to the utama happiness, the deeper meaning in your life that creates the sense of happiness and fulfilment for you.

I want to flip this perspective because true happiness comes from finding the extraordinary in the ordinary. That's right. True happiness is actually pretty ordinary, and researchers have identified the number one factor in you living a happy life.

And IT is the most ordinary thing on the planet, which is why most of us, miss IT. And that's the quality and depth of your relationships. So let's unpack this.

The harvard study of adult development is the longest indepth lang itu de no study of human life that's ever been done. I mean, this has been going on for eighty four years and counting. And for those of you super geeks like me out there, this used to be called the harvard man study.

So when you hear people talking about the harvard study of adult development, that's the new name for this. And IT now includes three generations of people that they have been studying. The original seven hundred and twenty four participants now include thirteen hundred descendants.

cool. Is that. And here's the thing about the study. This study followed people through their life, asking them all kinds of questions as people aged.

And one of the reasons why the study is so profound is because IT tracked people as they lived. Most studies have people looking backwards, which means, you know, when you look backwards to often change the details. That's why the harvard study of adult development is so exciting and so accurate.

And the most accurate, an important of happiness that's ever been done. And doctor Robert waldinger is the fourth director of the study, and he and past study leaders have published these amazing findings that you and I can apply our lives. These results from the harvard man study, they've been replicated in five other huge global studies.

And i'm telling you all this because there's one singular conclusion from all of this data, all of this research, all of these fancy institutions. And is this good relationships make you happier and healthier? The single best decision you can make to improve your health and happiness is to cultivate what researchers call warm relationships.

I know what you're thinking, melt what the hell. Warm relationships from a clinical standpoint, warm relationships are relationships that don't cause conflict. And you feel positive emotions around the people that you have a warm relationship with, said in a Normal person's way, it's basically people that make you feel warm and fuzzy.

That's what warm relationships are. And I want you to stop and think right now, let's apply the science. If you think about people in your life, I just want you to put two columns in your mind.

Who would you put under the column labeled warm to give you A A warm and fuzzy you get a text from um you're like, oh yes okay you know you're excited to see him. You feel energized when you make plans. Now there's the cold column.

These are people to put on IT. These are people that drain your energy. These are the people that when they call or text you, you're like breathing for something.

I can boil eighty four years of research down to one take away. You want to be happier. Put all your energy into warm relationships, building them, strengthening them, spending time with those people in the warm column.

You do that. You will be a happier you right now. And the second way that you can do that, by the way, prioritizing the warm, is spend less time with people in the cold column.

You either need to stop paying out with them because you're sucking your energy dry or you got to put some effort into warm them up by forgiving them or reframing how you see them or working on your boundaries so that you're not triggered by them and their negativity does an impact your happiness. So keep that visual of a warm and a cold column. And as you meet people in your life, you can immediately feel what they're like.

Are they warm? Are they bringing out the fuzzy? Or are you feeling on edge? Because when IT comes to happiness, your happiness right now, not the albee went happy, the happiness that truly matter, standing in the deep end of the ocean, the quality of your relationships is truly the most important thing that matters.

And I can explain why, at an even deeper level, the reason why this matter so much IT is the number one indicator of a happy life. Good, warm relationships floating in that ocean with your warm buddies. Keep in your body.

The reason why is evolution see positive or warm interactions with people? You know what? That does that warm, fusty feeling, those kind of people in your warm column, they make you feel safe. When you're around those people, you're not on edge. So your body feels safe.

And the opposite is true when you're around people that you would put in the cold column because when you're around negativity, when people trigger you and they put you on edge, when you feel like you can't be yourself, you're now in a stress response of fight, flight or freeze. And this response to other people is wired in you early homosapien survive because their bodies and their brains, they're not only encouraged connection, but they also signalled when somebody might be unsafe. You and I survived because we're social beings.

So this is hardwired into us. And here's where it's interesting. When you feel loneliness, your brain perceives that as life threatening.

And loneliness is not just about physical separation from other people. You can feel very lonely in a crowded room. You can feel lonely in a bad marriage.

You can feel lonely in a toxic friendship. And if you're not in your head right now, thinking wo maybe it's not unhappiness, maybe the core issue for me, i'm lonely. Well, seventy five percent of adults feel moderate to high levels of loneliness, and loneliness is about the quality of your relationships.

And I wanna tie this back to evolution. Loneliness feels threatening because you're meant to survive in a trouble, people you meant to be connected with, people that make you feel safe and warm. It's not only part of happiness.

This goes down to your mind and body needing protection. And they've ve been proven that when life is really hard, when I can come at you and fall on attack mode, when you're in survival mode, warm, connected relationships protect you from the stress of life. So how do you do this? How do you tap into relationships? That sounds simple, but again, make the column warm and cold, and then call your friends, text them, arrange time to meet them.

So when you feel a pang of loneliness, ss, I want you to understand, it's an alarm, just like anxiety. It's a signal that you're missing connection, please do not ignore. You may be surprised to hear that I felt this way for a very long time.

I kept saying out loud, i'm not happy, I don't feel fulfilled. But when I dug deep into what was really going on for me, the core issue was lonely. Ess, I was having fun.

I was really busy. I was doing meaningful work. But deep down inside, I was really lonely.

And I may also surprise you to hear that IT was during one of the most successful stretches in my career. I was on the road all the time. I was booked non stop to give speeches.

I was working on all kinds of projects with auto. The business was booming. I was making lots of money. And I have never been unhappier because I was lonely.

I was traveling so much, chasing success, chasing achievement, go on for the next day, staying busy, that I never saw my friends. I barely saw Chris. I missed out on a ton of time with our daughters while they were in high school.

I was just go, go, go. Now I had a lot of fun on the business trips. I would laugh a lot.

I was always traveling with colleagues, so I wasn't alone, and I was having fun in the waves of life. But when you talk about floating in the deep under the ocean, I was profoundly lonely. And that meant I was profoundly unhappy.

And IT can be powerful when you admit this to yourself, because when you realize what you're dealing with, it's loneliness that helps you identify the issue you need to improve, which is you need to start reaching out to people. You know, we underestimate the impact that simply getting an unexpected text from an old friend can have on you. And think about our amazing IT is when you have a birthday and everybody on social media that gets you know the kind of notification that is your birthday, they come out of nowhere and they wish you happy birthday.

It's like that's unbelievable. IT feels so good you even talk to that person in the high school, but IT feels good to have somebody just give you a quick comment on your birthday. And so if you're sitting around saying i'm really lonely, but you're not reaching out, you're not calling people, you're not the one making plans are inviting people over for dinner.

Guess what? You're going to a stay lonely because when I really looked in the mirror and said i'm lonely, I need to do something about this. I never get invited anywhere.

I don't see anybody. Well, I wasn't inviting anybody over. I wasn't making any plants.

IT starts with you. And look, IT could be anybody. IT could be friends, family, co workers. All you need to do is identify old relationships, or cold relationships, or warm relationships where you haven't seen somebody in a long time, and reach out.

And by the way, IT could be older relationships, that could be people you haven't seen in a long time. Just anybody at all that makes you feel warm, start putting energy into talking, testing, commenting and making plans to see them. And be careful of the cold people, because research shows that spending time with the people in the cold column IT can actually make you feel more lonely and IT even worsens your health to be around people like that.

And so you've got your friend, male Robin's permission to stop putting energy into draining relationships because that's only gonna make you feel more lonely and spend more time with warm relationship. And that brings me back to janni's question because you mentioned, did you notice that he felt happier when her kids were little? I suspect that when your kids were little, you were probably part of mum groups.

You saw Young moms all the time. I drop off and pick up a play group, and you felt like you were part of something. You had more warm relationships in your life.

That's a sign that you're just missing connection. I know I said IT already, but I can't highlight enough how profound of the difference you can make to simply admit yourself that you're lonely. That was the turning point for me when I realized a couple years ago, holy cow, i'm unhappy because i'm profoundly ly lonely.

I don't see Chris enough. So i'm lonely in my marriage. I am lonely in my family because i'm not around and working all the time. I never see my friends. And so once I said I was lonely, ess, that was the cause of my unhappiness.

I could do something about IT, and you want to know the first decision I made, I made a decision that I was going to change my worklife, that I was going to get off the road, that oakly being in a high school was like a melting ice cube. And once the time was gone, I was not onna get IT back. And so I reorganized my entire career, my entire business.

Instead of sitting on a plane, i'm now sitting above microwaves, talking to you and a microphone so I can be home. And IT took a lot of work, but i'll tell you what, realizing that traveling that much for work was making IT hard to cultivate those warm relationships. That was a huge wake up call, because on the surface, IT looked like I was having a great time.

I was in the waves, but I sure is. How wasn't when I came to the deeper stuff and I know what you're thinking? Well, now at least you're friends to go back to, what if I don't have any friends or many friends? Well, I would say this.

Here's where you can start. Part of warm relationships and happiness is also cultivated by social interactions, that tiny ones you have every single day. Just talk to strangers. There is a great thing to do, by the way.

And there's a study that was done by the university of chicago that you have no clue how happy a random social interaction with a stranger can make you. You kind of inflate your mind and is can be messy to talk to other people. But you underestimate the actual benefits of talking to other people.

People who talk to strangers on a train or on a plane, or on a bus stop or just at a coffee shop, they're much happier after they talk to the stranger, even if they don't think beforehand that they will be, you know, who's great at this? My mother, I was just visiting my mom down in fda. And when I was little, I used to think that was so annoying, but I now admire this about her.

absolutely. Everywhere we go, my mom talks to everybody. SHE talks to everybody about everything she's constantly commenting on.

Oh, I like that. Switcher right? How you doing a nice day? And people stop and they talk. And next thing you know, they've made a connection or they're talking about a restaurant recommendation. Some is just amazing and the energy is immediately boosted.

And if you're not good at this, here's a great tip, always compliment somebody's nails if somebody is waiting on you or standing in front of you in line or you're sitting next, just compliment their nails. If you see somebody reading, ask him what they're reading and if they like IT, that's a simple way to compliment somebody to open up the dialogue and IT always boost the energy. And one of the things that i'm really concerned about, i've talked a lot about this on the podcast, and I know the researchers at harvard concerned about this too.

And that's where about work, everybody being at home. When we're at home, we miss out on these tiny social interactions with co workers, with the bra, with the lady, at the check out counter, with the guy that you always see at the grocery store, with the customers that you're used to seeing come into the store. These tiny social interactions go a long way to making you feel warm.

So bottom line, relationships, relationships, relationships. Talk to that stranger in line, push yourself to reach out to people, tech somebody every single day, and don't forget about reaching out to family. You kind of put family on the backburner, don't you? Because you think they're always gonna be there, make an effort.

There's a lot of people in your family, maybe even cousins, they haven't seen in a while that you have a warm relationship with, but you ve got to push yourself. Okay, let's make ourselves a promise that we're both going to do this because you've got the research and you know know why IT matters. Now I want to talk about the third aspect of happiness, and we're onna.

Unpack this with a question from a listener name, Steve. Hey, now this is Steve. Now I just want you to say thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being your authentic s self right there in front of us, change in lives, and you truly are amazing.

And I really want to know that I was wondering today if you could talk about inner peace in the difference between that, as opposed to material possessions, ons, money, status, job tiles, you name IT and instead the feeling of happiness within yourself to be comfortable. Thank you. Uh Steve first of all thank you for saying um such kind and heart felt things about um how i'm showing up.

I really, really appreciate that makes me feel warm. Um second, this question about happiness with yourself, inner peace as opposed to chasing those material possessions, job titles, this is really front center in my life right now. I have a friend who died recently and so i've been thinking a lot about this person and what he means to me, the person that he was, how you made me feel as a friend.

You know, at the end of the day, that's what truly matters, right? Not the things he owned, not as job title. Mean, you're never gonna see a house paying A U hall to a graveyard because we can't take all that shift that we've been chasing down in life with us.

And IT truly doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel about yourself, the kind of person that you are, the quality of the relationships that you have. And the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, and that is very closely tied to enter peace.

If you're beating the hell out of yourself, if your dialogue about yourself is super negative, that's not gonna you happy and inner peace, the term that you used IT is defined as feeling content. And secure doctor Daniel gilbert, who is a professor at harvard, he did this huge study. They close to half of our waking moments are spent thinking about something other than what we are doing in the moment.

And so when you talk about inner peace, study after study shows that a wandering mind thinking ahead, worrying about what's next, i'll be happy when this happens, not being present. The wondering mind is deeply connected to unhappiness. Because if you're always wandering ahead or worried about what's next or chasing down something that hasn't happened, i'll be happy when you're never actually in your life.

A wandering mind is the opposite of inner peace. And look, you are able to think ahead. You are able to look back at one of the amazing things about being human.

But when you live in a state where you never present, you rob yourself of the extraordinary or dining moments in life, that inner peace, that contentment, that security, that you're OK, that you're aware of, what's happening that you're present to IT. And here's where IT gets even more interesting. Research shows that the amount time that you think you have left to live IT shapes your priorities now.

And if you think you have a ton of time, you're often thinking about the future, but you're not in the present right now yet. Research shows that the near you get to the end of your life, the more I began to appreciate the presence. Which is why, despite the fact that most of us in now, say people are jumpy, that's actually not true. That's a month. Research shows that people are their happiest in the later years of their lives.

why? Because older people, everyone over seventy, they are much more likely to be present and not worry about the bulls shit that you and I rap ourselves around the about they are more present in the moment to just be happy with the extraordinary ordinary aspects of life was just with my parents are so funny, because there are, there are seventies, and I noticed their life is very simple. They get up, they go for a walk, they see their friends for breakfast, they play golf, they play margin, they read a book, they watch the sunset, they go to a friend's house there.

In the moment, they don't need some big thing to chase. They're just in the moment, enjoying the feeling of living. I wanted say that again, part of inner peace and being present and being alert in your data daylife is the feeling of actually living IT means you're no longer on autopilot.

You're able to pay attention to what's in front of you. And the real superpower is being able to do that no matter how old you are. Mindfulness just means connecting with the present moment.

Inner peace is just about being present. So how can you bring this into your life? There are two ways i'm gona suggest you do this.

okay? Number one, when you are around, other people actually listen to them. I didn't say here them, I said listen to them. There's a big difference between hearing what somebody says and listening to them. Listening to someone is when you actively give the other person the experience that you are present.

And your attention is the most basic form of love that you could give somebody else, and practice listening and being present, and making somebody feel like you are right there with them, not in your head being in the moment. IT is an active love, and IT is a way to cultivate mindfulness, to cultivate that warm connection. The second way that you can tap into this is that when you're doing a task, just something in your ordinary life, hyper focus on IT.

I call this moving meditation. And i'll give you two examples. Number one, I love eat nuts. Okay, little confession, I like the blistered peanuts assaulted from trader joes, and I love my self some smoke dominance. So i'll grab a handful of those.

And one way that I practice being present in, mindful as I eat them one at a time, and I try to notice the difference in taste between one nut and another. And it's pretty surprising, like you eat a handful and nuts, you don't really taste a big difference of any that you eat one of the time. It's amazing how I pulls you into the moment.

The second thing that you can do is I love having a flower rate at the kitchen sink, because I love flowers and IT pulls me right in, and I will stare at that flower and be, in the present moment, a third way that I practice this inner peace and this cultivating the utmost ic type of happiness in my data, daylife, is saverin. The moments. So last night I taught oakly, our son, how to make his absolute favor recipe, which is from the cup book six seasons that my mom bought me.

And IT is called beef with lots and lots and lots of onions. IT is the easiest thing on the planet to make you take a hunk, beef your Brown IT. He throw some garlic on you through some time in.

He threw a little butter, little wine in, and lots and lots and lots and lots of onions that's IT. And then you bake that soccer at three hundred for like five hours, and the whole thing melts into the super messy, amazing group where the onions disintegrate and it's like shared beef in a french onion, such and such. And we just had so much fun.

I was so in IT when we were cooking. And because I was in the moment I wasn't wandering ahead, I wasn't thinking about anything else. I was with him. I was happy. And so let's go back to our metaphor.

Being in the present moment is a lot like walking on the beach, whether to stormy day or the ocean steel, whether it's raining or the sun is rising or the sun is setting, or there are amazing waves that you, anna, serve when you're walking on the beach, a great walk is one where you are fully present. You feel the sand between your toes, the wind in your hair, the salt on your skin. You're staring at the ocean and gazing at the beauty.

No matter what kind of day that is, you're not thinking ahead. You're not reflecting on the past. You're just in the moment happy.

That's what happiness is. And so when you are thinking about happiness, always come back to this metaphor. Because IT embodies eighty four years of research and studies around the world. The waves remind you to have fun, get off that blanket yours, scrap your friends and jump in the waves and play the big steel ocean swimming, flooding IT reminds you to get into the deep and and its way more fun in there. If you floating around with your friends, nothing like a warm day, you want those warm relationships, spend more time with them, invite them to the beach with you.

That's who you want on the sand, on the towers, in the water with you, the people that make you feel warm, and finally walking on the beach, being present, being in the moment, constantly coming back to these three fundamental things. And the fact is, you never know how much time you have, you just stone. So now, more than ever, I just want you to not only appreciate the moment, I want you to take these small steps to truly the and be happier in your life. And in case someone else tells you, I want to be sure to say, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a happier, more fulfilling and fucking fun life. Now go do IT.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented soly for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. stitcher.

Running a small business takes endurance, determination and the right support to reach your goals, and mastercard is here to help feel that journey in a fast pace digital world with innovative tools and resources. We're heard a gude businesses every step of the way digitally because when small business, when everyone wins, let's power of our communities, one small business and one step at a time keeping the community running strong. Priceless.

Celebrity cruise es black friday event is so good, you're going to need a bigger bucket list. Explore the kerival in europe or alaska was seventy five percent off your second guess plus bonus savings book today and see why nothing comes close to celebrity cruises. This is celebrity 点 com， call one eight hundred celebrity or contact your travel advisor.

Offer applies to select sAilings. Savings amount varies by state room category. Other terms apply. This is celebrity 到 com for details， ships registry, multa and equal.