You Are a Badass: Unlock Your Most Authentic Self in 4 Proven Steps
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Hey, it's red male, and welcome to the male abb's podcast. I am really looking forward to this conversation with you today. I'm so glad you're taking the time to be with me.

We're gona dig into a topic that I know you are going to love, and that is how can you become the most authentic version of yourself? And what deal does that even mean? right? That's a big mouthful of the sentence, the most authentic version of yourself.

And I have a story about authenticity that I want to tell you. Earlier this week, I was in nashville because I was giving a speech to executives in the supply chain industry. Well, when I go to nash fill, I have to go to cam prime.

I love game prime for a number reasons. First of all, they have an appetizer that is bacon that is SUV for like, seventy two hours. And then they finished IT off on a castle.

And girl, and you want to hear what they top IT off with cotton Candy. You heard that, right? So that's order to a number one.

Order to number two, they make this insanely delicious purple cae salad with currents and omens. And IT is just stop so frequent delicious. And then finally, their stakes, they're just fantastic.

So after the tech rehearsal, I went to, came prime and we walk in and we you buy this really wonderful gentlemen is clearly the manager of the restaurant stress to the mines. Just, you know, one of these people that you can tell they love, love, love taking care people takes a lot of pride map. So we have this fabulous meal.

We've paid the bill and he comes back and he asks us how the meal was. And I of course, i'm so effusive, I mean even more so than I was with you describing this meal and he's not in a smiling and then he leans in and says, you know, i'm a really big fan of years and I just love your post and I looked at him and I, of course, got to thank you out. And I gave a huge hug.

But between you and me, I just am constantly flawed at how wide of a range of people listen to and our part of this community. So he then says, well, you know what I like about you? You're just so real, you're so authentic.

How did you become so comfortable being yourself? And the truth is, for a long time I went through life being the least authentic version of myself. And IT made me miserable, spending decades hating myself.

That was fun. No, IT wasn't spending decades trying to please everybody else, assuming that there is something wrong with me and that made me miserable. And I think that was the pain of trying so hard to be somebody else that finally LED me to this breakthrough.

It's so liberating and it's so much easier if you can accept yourself for who you are and for who you're not an important part of IT and be that authentic version of yourself out in the world to have your opinions to wear the things that you want to wear, to dance when you want to dance, to opt out of something if you want to opt out of something, to nt hang out with people that don't feel great for you. That's what IT means for me to be the most authentic version of myself. I allow myself the Grace and the support and the encouragement of just showing up as I am.

And since I really don't know how to teach you to do that for yourself, I thought, why do we track down an expert? Because i'm getting more and more and more questions in the inbox. How do I become the most authentic version of myself? Here's the other question that I A lot, I don't even feel like myself anymore.

I don't even know who I am anymore. Well, what I do know when you're saying that is you're not the most authentic version of yourself, for sure, because you're not connected to yourself. And so I track down a profoundness respected expert on the topic of authenticity and belonging.

Rather, uu bossin has been researching these two topics. SHE has written a best selling book about them. He is teaching these topics of authenticity on stages and with the biggest brands around the world.

And today he is going to teach you and me a three part framework for developing the most authentic version of yourself, and more importantly, what to do to support yourself as you start showing up more and more as your full, authentic self out in the world. And some people don't like IT. You're going to get a lot of insight and more importantly, tools about reconnecting with the most authentic, reliable and real version of yourself. Alright, let's do this right, though. I'm so excited that you're here.

Thank you so much for having me email. I decided to be here too.

and I also wanted to thank you for something very specific. Tell me. I am genuinely grateful that you created a youtube video that demonstrated the proper pronunciation of your name, including tips for how to get the second part of your name done correctly late. Why did you do that?

Well, he was born out of necessity, melt, because with the name like review vacine, which, by the way, let me take a step. So my parents are from india, where indian by culture, they immigrated now over fifty years ago to canada, which is where I live on canadian.

And after decades and decades of having people and resized my name and pronounce my name as two at the age of thirty, I decided that i'm going to stand in my power, claim my belonging as IT relates to my name. And half people renounced the proper way, which is rd. do. And my last time is .

pronounced to see I grew up with the a last name. And when people would look at those twelve letters and the mouthful that that was, they would completely turn IT into words salad, like there's something that feels off when, through your whole life, people are saying your name, rit two. Okay, yes, I am practicing. I live with the anxiety that i'm going to be put out somebody y's name now .

that I am a promotional speaker and I on stages of procaine in blood, what I was new thing is that IT action causes people anxiety to say my name, uh, incorrectly and I thought, you know what, I should just help them, help people out and let me create this video and so that people can learn to practice. And it's a livia stress intention for them.

And IT helps me as well because part of me standing in my power and being who I am claiming my identity is having people say IT correctly. I don't need people to say a hundred percent correctly. I just need to know that you're signaling that you care because this is what empathy is about.

It's the do you see me? Do you care? Are you paying attention to what's important to me? So people don't need to nail IT save the road way. I just need to know that people are trying. You don't mean.

well, there's so much in what you just said, which is why I wanted .

to start here.

So you are an expert in belonging and in authenticity and the courage that IT takes to realize that IT bothers you, that people are saying your first name incorrectly and standing in your power to do something about IT, you graciously creating a video, so that in your professional life, in your personal life, you've explained and helps people in having, you feel the sense of belonging and being seen. This is so difficult for people.

I know so many people, and you listening to us, maybe one of them that if you order coffee at a coffee shop and they get your order wrong, you don't say something because you don't want to make waves, you don't want people to not like you, you don't want the person behind the counter to feel bad. You don't want to hold up the line. And there's an element of being able to stand in your power and ask for what you need. That is part of being your tourist, authentic self correct?

Thousand percent. And in fact, I have struggled. I struggled for decades to embrace Y M A B, who I am. But as I learned to do my healing work and stand more, more my power, what I realized is that every action, every micro o behavior that I engage is one step forward to meet, fully embracing who I am and claiming belonging for myself.

And whether that is the bra at the coffee shop, or the customer service person at the airport of the person on the phone, or family members, or my leader, or my team members, or my planes, my customers, there's a lost fistic. Ks, every single act, every behavior I engaged, is a chain reaction for me, claiming my authentication and belonging. But he took me, like, now, IT took me years to finally make this happen for myself.

How did you know that you weren't your authentic s self? Because I asked that question. Amazing, kind of dumb. But when we use the words authenticity and belonging, what is the difference between authenticity and belonging?

Authenticity and belonging go hand in hand, but I to find belonging as being the profound feeling that we hold within ourselves of being honored and accepted for who we are, first and foremost, with our own cells. And this is what then enables us to claim belonging with others. And so belonging is about being who we are, embracing who we are first, formal with their ourselves.

We belong to ourselves first. Really, what i'm saying here is that belonging is about authenticity. Belonging can only happen because we are being authentic.

And so they're in time, they go hand in hand. The more authentic we are in our interactions, the more we experience belonging. And to experience belonging, we must be authentic. And so they literally go hand in hand. And in fact, belonging is the outcome of being authentic.

I want to help the person listening understand what you're talking about and how you even know if your your authentic self or not.

Yeah so it's such an important question. I going to tell you a really quick story because it's a powerfully example of how these moments can happen for us, where we can clock the behavior. And I think being intentional and mindful and tuned in is critical. Like super flex support and is huge. So just in nutshell, uh, so on.

The child of immigrants from a very Young age, I experience relenting bullying, childhood bullying and and IT was racist, in particular, the cultural confusion based on how my parents were like, how, why should we make her? how? How indian should we push them to be? And so between the cultural confusion and the field in myself, from the hate hurt coming my, where is the kid?

Because of being bully, I learned to put on multiple masks, and I learned to push down my identities, and I learned to Carry what I call a performing self. And when I say performing self, I don't think like high performance. I mean, like life is a stage, we're actors on the stage performing who we are as a positive being.

who we are. What are examples of performing?

There are so many ways in which we end up performing because we feel the pressure to change who we are, because others are judging us. So we feel like they're judging us. And so I can't tell you how many people to share things with me like I change the way I pronounce my name.

I don't talk about my lived experience with anxiety, depression. I don't talk about being gay or trans. I've literally change, change my accent.

I don't talk about growing up in an immigrant household upbringing. I change how I dress. I don't wear my hair natural.

I laughed differently. I literally will change the words that I use at work. And so much more. There are so many examples that people share with me, but those are just a few through.

Thank you for those examples, we need to take a quick break and hear words from our sponsors. But when we come back, I would love for you to share an example of a moment in your life when you felt like you couldn't be yourself, and instead you started to perform, all right, stay with us. We'll be right that.

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Welcome back. We're talking about the science and research around becoming your most authentic self with best selling author ritz uu the scene. You are just sharing some examples in your work of where people were performing instead of being their authentic cells. I would love for you to share with us an example from your own life where you felt like you couldn't be your authentic self.

I became a lawyer, entered the legal profession, and as a Young woman of color, navigating the corporate world, I notice the messages around conformity were never direct, like being boy as a kid, but they were always there suddenly. And so I became a master, shifting codes and and hide in curating what I talk about, IT work and let all mask on, and taking on the hobbies of, like, the corporate world that were like, really popular.

And but I hate, and I did all this to fit in. I'm using air quotes for those listening and not watching fit in because I can tell you now that changing who we are will never be the same as actual belonging. Like, yes, some doors take, acceptances will open, but it's not the same is actually belonging.

I want to stop right there because I think that's part of the confusion for most of us.

Yes.

where inie we seek to fit in and there are varying degrees to which we compromise our true cells. You're talking about something i've never had to personally deal with as a White woman. I've never had to do that code switching because of environments where IT was all right because I blended into that area.

I understand what you're talking about when IT comes to the subconscious cues because as dumas IT sounds, I do remember being a corporate lawyer at a time where women didn't wear pants. And that is A A very superficial example of fitting in somewhere, because I think I have to fit in in order to succeed. And so everybody, regardless of your background, you have some example, whether IT is deep around your identity, your race, your religion, your sexuality, your gender, or you have examples that are very superficial.

right?

But what I really want you to explain for everybody right now is what's the difference between fitting into a group or a culture at work, versus belonging to that group of friends or belonging to that team and that culture at work?

IT is entirely rooted. And how you feel now, you know, all in times we think that the mind goes first, but it's actually the body. Our body will signal to us how are doing are how are experiencing a situation or a person before our mind even catches up.

And so we want to, after today, start using our body as a guide, post an anchor for how our feeling. And so I define with the longing really quickly as the profound dealing. So get at something in our body that says to us i'm being honored and accepted for who I am when we are experiencing.

Bellow we feel and flow we feel at is we feel safe. IT feels good. IT feels nice. Even what IT feels vulnerable like even when we're feeling a IT nervous and activated because it's like, oh my gosh, i'm worried what you're going to think and say, but i'm still going to share me and doing me IT feels good.

Where's fitting in is activating when we feel the pressure to put on our performing self mask and change the way we speak or hide aspects of our identity. For example, I experiences a lot of inaccurate and hate heard coming my way to tie back to my race and intersections ality with being a girl, a smart girl or uh woman and going from a immigrant child family upbringing. But people experience all kids of judgment and bias.

Try back to, for example, mental health. Look at people's experiences of anxiety, depression, or you grow up or or you're the first person in your family to go to college, university, or or some people feel that they are so short, tall, they're bigger, like we are being judged. The fear of judgment in bias that people actually judging us.

They stand who we are. That's what strikes at our ability to belong. Based on my work and research, I can tell you, when we worry that you're gonna judge me, you're gona take your love away from me, you're going to pick opportunities away from me.

That's what causes us to suppress our authenticity and IT strikes at our belonging. 嗯。 And so that's what pushes us to feel like I gotto put this performing self mask on terre, who I am, change the way I speak, change what I talk about, change the way I dress.

Not tell you about my anxiety, depression, or who I really want to love, or how I be my gender, or how unwell my parents were, or the the really crap neighbor. D I grew up in whatever the fear is, it's what causes us to curate and sanitize. And so we hide our emotions, we higher behaviors. And we do this not because we're evil human beings trying to deceive others. We do this to shield and protect ourselves from judgment ment.

That makes a lot of sense. And I want to take a moment and just turn to you listening to us. It's almost like i'm going to pass you the mike, because you've just heard this definition of belonging as feeling safe to be yourself. And I want you to apply this definition to your own life right now. And here's the question I want I ask you, where in your life are you not being your authentic s self, where you feel this pressure that rathwell is talking about to fit in? Maybe you've got friendships where you've feel like it's not OK just to be you, or perhaps your working somewhere where you feel the need to hide aspects of who you are.

which is one of the reasons now why I don't use the word in authentic ever the term in authentic or inauthenticity. And my view has a lot of negatives uh, connotation. It's like you're deliberately trying to mislead people about who you are.

My working research has shown me that when we put on our performing self masks, we don't do IT because we're going to mislead people. We do IT because of her and wounded, 嗯， IT would because of pain. We do IT because we're RAID.

Others will take their love away. And you know what, it's not a figment of our imagination. It's because people in the past have taken their love away from us, and we worry it'll happen again.

But as we do our healing work and we stand in our power, we start to realize a life that is created and rooted and belonging where I feel and slow, because I get to be who I am around you, even to feel judge me, I am going to do that anyway, is so much more rich and beautiful than a life of literally walking around with that mask on all the time. And I can tell you, i'm not even something joking, because I did IT for decades this life that i'm leading. It's harder to live because it's more intentional and mindful, but IT is so much more beautiful and .

worth IT with thu. So I have a particular question. If you're listening to this conversation right now and you've never considered the possibility of becoming more authentic and what IT might be like to experience true belonging instead of this pressure to fit in how they have, do you even know if you're faking IT right now or you're just kind of performing on the surface in order to in so you'll know .

you're performing because you'll feel happiness in your chest, you will feel coziness in your stomach, you'll start to sweat you'll feel heat on your face, in your chest. You hear in your mind all kinds of negative nardo s the comments like, i'm not good enough, you know, like me, i'm such a loser. You will feel tension in your, in your neck and shoulders. These are just a few examples of things that can happen in our body when we feel the pressure to perform.

There is so much wisdom and beauty that you just dropped on all of us. And I want to try to unpack IT. And IT is so important to me that as you're listening to us, that you're able to grasp these concepts and start to see where this is applicable in your own life.

And the word I keep thinking about that you used is activated. So you said, when you feel like you belong, you have the status of flow. Their minds are not racing ahead, that there is nothing in the moment that you need to manage, and that there is this peace and freedom like you.

you're calm, your anchor, you there. The absence of the tanning or anxiousness or activation.

you use the word activations. Could you explain that words so that we can all understand IT?

Because I certainly don't. So when i'm talking about becoming activated or feeling activation in the body, what i'm referring to is that things happen in the environment that cause us to feel uncomfortable, that cause us to feel stress, attention in the body, that something that's happening around us triggers us and pushes our body into a place of feeling stress, tension through ourselves.

And I can look like tension in the chest, cuisine's in the stomach, stress in neck and shoulders. IT can feel like anxiety, panic inside of us. We can hear negative, not and thought swelling in our minds. It's basically a trigger ing of the body because of something that happened around us that doesn't feel good.

yes. And the activation is an interesting word, because certain friend groups that I was a part of, or certain people I were as dating, or certain classes, for example, that I was taking in college, or certain jobs that I hated, where the moment I was walking into the classroom or into work, or I was sitting at a table with my supposed friends and air quotes, I was not anchored in a peace.

I was so active in my mind and thinking about other things and worried about something and not able to feel anchored or at peace in those experiences. And I personally believe, based on the number of people that right in and the size of the audience on a our social channels in the podcast, that most people have a day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute experience of being activated. yeah. Not belonging ing.

yes, how does somebody know?

And I want you listening to us. I want you to think about where's the easiest place for somebody to spot this for themselves so that they can recognize a place in their life where they're not able to be their authentic s self and where they get into this particular part of their life. And it's very activating.

So I love, love, love, love, love dismission for so many reasons. And in fact, malu said to me, rid u tell everyone today what is the number one thing that you did to bring more belonging and authenticity in your life, to bring more ease and joy and flow and peace in your life. Yes.

right. To tell us the number one thing that you did to bring more joy into your life, I could pick up what you're putting down. Woman, so, well, because I want to know.

I am always anchored to who I am like I often will say, here I am anchored. Good swirl ls around me. The bad, the ugly, everything is throwing around me, and I am anchored. And why? The number one thing that I did to bring more authenticity, belonging and enjoy into myself is cultivate what I call my core wisdom.

What the hell is that?

Good, good question. So your our core wisdom is the inner knowing that pushes us to tune into ourselves and say to ourselves in any situation, any interaction, any moment or in, whether it's a moment of joy or a moment of feeling stress or a moment of deep paint, whatever is we tune in and we say to ourselves, what's my mind saying right now and in the moment of joy will be saying, oh, I feel so good.

I feel literally good or I really like her like, for example, right now i'm really enjoying this, but in a stressful moment it'll say, oh my god, i'm such a loser. See, i'm always a loser. I can tell he's judging me and this is why SHE, no, don't speak. And I knew you didn't like me.

And so we hear that the narratives in the head, kay, we hear the voice, our Chrism, also pushes us to say, what am I stealing in my body? So let's go back to what I was sharing earlier. Belonging is a feeling.

A lack of belonging is a feeling. What is the difference between fitting in and actually being who we are? You'll know the difference based on which your body is telling you.

So our core wisdom says, in this moment, in this experience, what is my body feeling and sensing, and we start to tune, and we feel the stress in our chest, and we will feel that we're starting to sweat, and we'll feel the heat on our face. And then coupled with the negative narratives and in our headache, you a loser, you sexy, don't see, don't be who you are. They are going to judge. We hear all of this of deal of this happening. And in that moment, we leap into using our Chrism strategies through.

Before you teach us the core strategies, I just want to be sure that everybody listening got those two very important steps. That number one, you tune into your mind and you ask yourself, okay, what is my mind saying to me right now? And if you're mind saying something positive about you and how you're showing up, that's probably a really good sense that you're being authentic.

But if your mind is negative, you can then take step two, which is tune into your body because you measure belonging based on how you feel. And if you feel like you aren't able to be yourself for that, you don't really belong here without performing. Now we're going to turn to the strategies that you've researched in your work.

We need to take a quick break and hear words of our sponsors. And when we come back, I want you to walk us through those strategies and what self coaching someone stay with us. You know others.

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Welcome back. I'm here with best selling author and researcher rethumb accent, and we're talking about the science of authenticity and belonging. And I want to jump right back into one of your core strategies, which is self coaching. Can you give us an example of what that self coaching sounds like?

Oh, no, in our sabat or i'm not going to let you talk to me that way. And we have our offer. Nations are our months are self coaching ready to go because we're no way rdb uba cino stand in europe, power rdb vaccine speak, or my favorite thing rithmetic cine.

You've got this, if you don't speak, who will? So then my, my affirmation and months, I start going, but then my body is still activated. So then deep breathing work in that moment, and I started deep d breathing.

I take my hands, I rub IT on my size, I clear my chest, rubb my fingers. I feel the tears coming up and I said, cry, let IT out. Let IT out.

Oh, you don't want to do IT right here because they are watching. You don't feel comfortable. That's okay. Come back to this later called emotional release or emotional discharge when we feel like we're being judged.

What's actually happening in the body is that as human beings, for animals, and we're governed by our nervous systems all day long, our nervous systems are closing for harmful things in the environment back in the the day. Although for some people, I think maybe you um mell, give me how you're early morning hikes we're locking for bear, bears and forest OK. Most of us are not closing for bears and forest.

What's happening is I see you didn't say my name right? Or you rolled your eyes when I was speaking, or you raise your eyebrow when you saw what I was wearing, or you keep interrupting near, I hear the tony your voice and you're talking to me versus talking to him. Whatever is those disrespects those hurtful things that were closing the body in takes as attacks.

So not the same as being attack by there. But IT doesn't matter. The body is like, see, you don't like me. And that's what causes this activation. And when this is happening, energy is generated in the body, which could show up as trembling, shaking, because we're so shocked or we're so upset, could be tears. But the problem is, as humans, we overwrite.

And so what happens is the surge of energy comes up, the activation, the tears want to start, we want to start shaking, trembling, let out of moor cry. We say, no dog do that because you'll be judge. And we push those sensations down.

Our core wisdom as well. Come back to IT. So for example, I literally, after i've had a stressful thing happen or i'm grieving right now because my mother is dying of all simers I have all day long.

I feel the grief I might know. Your your work, keep going, keep going. But I come back to the moment later in the evening and i'll take my memory back to my mom or whatever has happened.

Unity is difficult. And then i'll put on my coming music, i'll feel the tears come up, and I let the tears out, and I cry and left IT out. why? Because I don't want that energy be trapped in me.

But the other thing I mention here is a test for for wisdom is that I also do this with joy because I feel like for a lot of us, we have capacity or we we spend a lot of time with the pain. And what we're not doing enough that is spending time with the joy. And joy isn't just a minding.

All this is so nice, and I really enjoying this. And isn't this experience of my family pretty and nice? It's actually dealing IT in my body.

And the very last of saba core wisdom is that possible. I can be develop more. We do IT. We developed. And like a muscle, of course, is that we want to develop our core wisdom so that we build more settled nervous system so that were less likely to be activated.

And when we are triggered by the horribly ship that happens to us, we're able to address IT like many experience, like there is no blue pill or red pill that we can take in that go look at I am the heels. It's not like that. It's a journey. But the Better we get, the Better and Better we get, the less rattled we are in, the happier we are. Or more joyful, let's say more joyful.

Let me see if I can um translate that to two examples. So let's just say an example that everybody can relate to and it's that you have a friend group and you recognize as you're listening this conversation that you are very activated within this front group. You're always worried about what you're gona wear. You're typing your text to them three or four times and then deleting IT, putting a lot of emotion es, and you are out to dinner with this friend group and you realize, oh my gosh, they've made plans to go away for the weekend two weeks from now, and i'm not invited with them. And you have that moment where your face turns bright red, you feel the a lump in your throat, and you immediately do what we all do, which is either just take a big slog of your margarita, excuse yourself and go cry like a child in the stalled the bathroom, or you just shut IT down and pretend you don't care in that moment, is there anything subtle or not study that you would recommend that .

somebody do? yes. So in we've got this, my new book, I talk about standing in advance of situations happening because here's the thing, everyone, in the moment when we're activated and the shutdown starts, it's really hard that moment to be like.

Okay, here's what i'm going to do is in that moment, we literally feel like we're gna cry or thrown up or we want run from the building, we wants to die like literally. And after the fact, yes, let's come back to IT. But in advance of situations happening, we plan out what we will do in that difficult moment arises.

There are three things I want to leave you with. Yep, step one, script scripting is the act of planning out in advance of a situation happening. What is IT that i'm going to say in this moment when something difficult happens to me? Or let's say you're gona tell someone you're dating that you love with them for the first time and you're like, I know this is going to be hard for me.

I know i'm probably going to shut down and we eat. Nervous scripting is the act of planning out what you say advance because what happens is we moved from conscious brain into unconscious brain in the moment when we are activated, like, my god, it's like the word will be there. why? Because you implanted them in your brain for future. So we always script out what we're going to say in these moments in advance and the humility versions of the i'd buy the way you're like, the way you do your scripting, like you can do IT at your dust and write IT down I do in the shower. I do well of walking .

down the street so I can be both mental or written down.

Yes, I mean, it's always Better, everyone, to write things down. why? There's a coding to process that happens in the brain and ties back to neuroscience that enables us to engage Better information retention.

But here's the thing. If someone were to say to me, i'm not going to wait down, fine, I rather than you just practice IT in your head, at least something is Better than nothing. Do something, everyone. So step number one, script. Step number two, choose in advance.

What am I onna say to myself in that situation, like self coaching, when the moment happens and I feel the shutdown start, what am I going to say to myself? So you choose your affirmation, or months in advance, always in advance. And so, for example, I already model with you, i'd like to say to myself, refusing scenes stand in your power.

And the reason that really works for me is because for decades I didn't anding my power and i'm now all about IT. I'm like i'm standing my power on to given the f what's happening around me or this thing you've got this, I love that or you can do this. I am worthy.

You choose your mother affirmation, whatever it's going to work for you in advance. The third thing we do, and this is important because let's remember, the body leads not the mind. We said to ourself, when I get activated, what am I going to do to settle myself in my body? So for me, in particular, its breath work.

In fact, if you said to me, what's the number one thing I can do for my body to pump myself in any situation, it's deep belly breathing. You can just go a doctor, google, and put in deep belly breathing, that deep combat, focusing on the excEllence in particular, because IT engages the paris sympathetic, or the flow part of our system. The reason I love breath, work to calm ourselves in situations is your breathing anyway is, number one.

You might as well do IT in a Better, more effective, healthy, productive way and no one can see you doing IT. So if you're worried that like I would say, like I I put my heart kind of my heart a lot or all I rub my leg or I just keep myself a quick like embrace that i'll be like you're good, you're safe. You're telling your body you're safe.

You're like I can't do that front of people like and just start your deep breathing and so those three things, you have your scripts, you have your self coaching affirmations ready to go. And you have told yourself, as soon as I feel activated, I mean, to start this god work in this situation, call my self the very last thing we do, we visualize. So in advance, we picture ourselves doing these three things. Why were in planting IT was go back to neuroscience, future patterns of behavior, and we go into situations with these tools. So that way were ready, were ready to go.

And just so everyone listening understands, because I want to be sure that we're visualizing the right thing. You gave us two examples. The first example being you're tell somebody that you love them for the very first time, which is clearly a very activating moment, even if you think they're going to say IT back and respond positively. We all have that moment where we're like, should I say IT should I not say is IT too soon?

How they are going to respond .

in order to stand in your power? You're saying to rehearse how you're going to be in your power, even if you say I love you and the person's face goes blank and they say nothing back and then you realize they're not going to say IT back yes. And you visualize that very activating rejection.

And you by visualizing IT, you are socializing your brain to be able to be powerful. And you will also know and will have rehearsed and have encoded in your subconscious how you're gonna show up in that moment. And I want to be clear about something because I know we're going na get this question.

You are not manifesting the bad thing to happen. That's not what's happening, right? You're doing something else. So can you just explain for this example how this is different than attracting the bad thing to happen?

Yeah, absolutely. So we go into a situation knowing we can have a conversation with someone. And it's like if they say this, here's what i'm going to say back.

If they say this, i'm going to say this. If they say this, i'm going to say this. And so we literally decision tree out with a conversation could look like or might be, but this isn't about manifesting negativity. We are always going into a situation, creating, putting energy towards the outcome we want. We are always, always in that place where we are driving our intention and the impact to be the you .

are having. Now I am having a big house by we're hearing the worst case scenario and preparing to stand in your power. You are original with what you want most, which is the ability to express your love freely precisely.

You know that, yes, I told you I love to you because that is my truth you may not have received in the way that I wanted you to receive IT but I am now free and liberated because I spoke my truth about how i'm feeling um and in fact someone else's reaction response to us saying I love you if it's not an alignment with how our feeling that's not even actually about us in the end.

Anyway, they have their own thing going on that may not give them the capacity to love us back in the way we need to be loved. That doesn't matter in the end. But yes, that matters in the moment really hard. And i'd be the first to tell you how many chance I told someone I love them or want to date them, and i've been rejected. This goes on, but IT doesn't matter, because at the end of the day, I spoke my truth and all of this was part of my healing and .

growth journey. I think this is why the topic of authenticity is so hard for everybody to grasp, because authenticity is about you not censoring yourself. It's about you being able to show up in your full self expression, in your full power and not edit sensor silence or somehow be different because you're worried about how other people are gonna act.

So in the example of telling somebody that I love you, if you are truly authentic and you're standing in your full, authentic self IT would be authentic for you to tell somebody that you love them without any attachment to what they say back. Because it's not about you saying IT in order to get the response. It's about you saying IT because that is what's true for you.

You got IT. And and so I wanted hive IT because we've talked about belonging and we've talked about how to tell when you're in a situation where you're trying to fit in verses you truly belong. I've talked about that sort of activation that happens when you're in friendships or you're in a relationship or in a work setting where you know you're fitting in but you don't truly belongs. In order to get to belonging, we have to go through the personal journey of authenticity first.

And one thing I mentioned here, because I get ask all the time injured in my introduce with you isn't an unfair that i'm one having to deal with morbo shit like the negative hates coming my way.

Um people are being mean in equity, sexism, racism, homophones like why do I have to plan out in advance? And I hear that, in fact, in social justice circles, we call this the burden of the oppressed is like bad things are happening to me, and then I have to prepare for them. And I hear that night honor that.

And I would still say I would rather Oscar into situations prepared to stand in our power. why? Because this is what IT looks like to claim belonging. And secondly, and more importantly, feels beautiful when we come out on the other side, having used our scripts and we did, but we were planning on doing. And then the very lasting mention here is because I do a lot of work on our ship too.

We we claim belonging for ourselves, but we also have to create belonging for others, especially in the last few years of the spotlight on are you being an upstander or by standard because the things are happening around you, were you? That's not right. That's disrespectful.

You stand silently as we watch things happen around us. We can also plan IT in in advance for those situations. We planned out what we're going to say the next time we hear something appropriate. This is what i'm going to say to myself, election said.

As a stranger, I can't say that my family member at sunday dinner, because they're na hate me, then i'll be like, no, here's what i'm going to say to myself when I start to shut down. Here's i'm going to calm my body. We picture the visualization of IT so that other people at the table who are rightly fly shut down because of inappropriate things. Being said, we can be an ally by using the same um three steps. So these are the three must use in advanced situations.

I love this. So the the second example that you gave is also very important, which is training yourself to be upstanding in those moments, which means to speak up when you see something going down that is racist, or that insulting, or that is discriminatory, or this is downed rude. You see somebody getting shut down and might even be that that a somebody and your team is getting erupted in a meeting. What you are saying is you use this exact same strategy to also coach yourself to be more confident, visible and vocal in those moments.

Yes, because here is the thing. And now I know this is in resonate with you, and I hope for with everyone, we can control other people's behaviors. We can never control anyone else.

We can only control our own actions. And what matters more is not how someone responds to how our behavior. What matters is that we behaved in a way that's an alignment with our truth is so uncomfortable with our truth that is on them. What we need to deeply anchor to is that I did me .

in your first book. You identified the three different versions we have of ourself, and I love frameworks like this. yes. So can you walk us through what are the three versions of ourselves and they're going to take them one at a time?

Got IT. So it's called the three self framework. And I developed this framework based on my work and research because I was finding the people were in situations in the workplace and relationships where the services of message was, B, U.

I. Of course, I want you to be authentic. Course, I want to bring your whole truth self to the experience.

But in the very next breath, that would be like to the behavior. Just kidding. Don't actually be you. So I felt very complicated and conducing and see, how do I show up? So that's what left need to develop the model. We all have the three cells, and i'll take us quickly through the three cells, and we can dig deeper into each of them.

great.

So the most important self of ball is what I call the authentic. Your authentic self is itself, where, if there were no negative consequences or your actions, this is how you would show up, this is how you would speak, this is how you address. These are the words you use.

This is where the the content you share is where you draw a line boundaries. Yes, no, who you would love is the good, the bad and the ugly of who we are. But because it's the truth for function of our core sales, IT feels the best to do so that's the authenticity of resonating. I love that.

and I love the definition. If there were no consequences, how would you show up? If there were no consequences, you're not getting arrested, you're not losing friends.

You're not going to be embarrassed or ashamed by what you do. You just get to do you, and there are no consequences. That is very clear.

So long go to the other side of the continuum, which is the third stop, which is the performing self. So i've talked a lot today with you about the performing self. The performing self is itself that feels like we don't have a choice but to change. We are mass gas aspects of our identity clock hide in order to shield from bias and judgment. IT feels exhAusting, humiliating disrespect to do.

But we feel like if I don't change my act center uga size, the pronunciation of my name, or hide my experiences with anxiety, depression or not, talk about being transgender or whatever, whatever IT is that we feel judged about or we feel ashamed of, we feel like we need to push IT down and of course, IT deals completely to and exhAusting. And of course, the message coming out of today is to really take a step back and think about around who are you performing and why is that happening? What are the judgments coming your way? And most importantly, scripting self coaching for those situations so we can push out of IT. But that's the performing self, which i'm guessing male resonates give will talk about.

I think that every single one of us became the performing self in medical school, and we've been doing IT ever since .

hundred percent.

And yeah, I would say until recently, I was the performing self in just about every aspect of my life. Yeah, because I felt like everything had a consequence. Everything was high stakes. So everything required me to anticipate what I needed to do and to perform as such in order to succeed or be accepted or yet ahead or whatever. And so I think I would imagine, based on your research, is that where most of us spend most of our time.

absolutely. And for those of us who have come from cultural communities that have heighten judgment and bias coming our way, we spend most of our time there. This is the problem, but it's the adapt itself itself that lives in the middle that we've never explored before in this way and is a really powerful self that, you know what, spring night computers off.

And I don't really feel like talking about my day job and sam going to be more adoptive in this cocktail party. And so you're adapted self as itself that says, all right, through, I hear you, i'm going to push out of performing as much as I can after today. But I look at my authentic I C self and I can't be authentic a hundred percent of time, because I want to keep my family. I don't want to go to jail, as you mentioned.

Yeah, I want .

to keep my job 好好好。

What I like about what you're saying is this, you're offering something that is empowering and doable and realised that there are times in your life where you have to freaking perform because for some of you, you are listening to this or watching this in a part of the world, we're just being you could cause major harm to you because of your religion or who you love and where you live or what's going on.

And so you performing a role is necessary. But what you are saying is that for so many people, that performance has been reflective, some conscious. It's been a trap. It's become part of your identity. And what you are saying is that when you become aware of those areas of your life where you are performing consciously, strategically, because IT allies with what you want your life, meaning you are adapting your true self in specific situations, because IT serves you, not because you feel like there's something wrong with you. Yes, you are the one that is deciding that IT serves me to adapt my take self.

Normally, I would pick a fight with my parents, and today I don't have the emotional energy for IT, so I am adapting to the situation consciously, strategically, which means I don't compromise who I am. I'm just being smart about where I put my energy. Is that my fair? Yes.

you put your finger on IT. You're 丁丁。 You adopt itself as itself that willingly, happily chooses to adjust your behaviors to meet your needs and the needs of others.

It's a choice it's willing IT still feels good to do, is still a manifest station of your authenticity and needs, your needs and the needs of others. And so it's still empowering to do. The difference between our adopt itself and the performing self is how IT feels.

The apt in your behavior feels perfectly fine. IT feels good to do. And let me give you a really quick, quick example.

I was once at at a party of my sister, and we're talking to people who had just met, and they turned to me and they said, oh, so reading what you do for a living and in that moment I had a choice because I knew the device said to them, I am a belonging expert. I speak on often to see, am a professional speaker. I talk a lot about diversity with inclusion.

I knew that I said this, I would open up a full discussion, and they want to unpacked their to stop with me. And yet, yet, yet, a, you know, what I need is off. And I don't only feel like I talking about my daily job.

I'm exhausted. I just, I want, I don't have the ban with for this. So I looked at them and I said, i'm in H.

R. Which, by the way, is not a lie, although nothing kills a conversation more and telling someone you do H R for a living. I am an H.

R. I. I speak to companies around the world about talent management. My sister looked to me after wards.

I said, why did you do that? What was out about? And I said to her, it's true.

I do H, R, for a living. My authentic S, S. I would have, like, just give the full and a lot and dig deep.

And I get into the, but my job itself said, now, not this moment. I'm gonna just adapt my knees or my parents, for example, from indian culture, really indirect. I'm super direct as a communicator.

I adopt all the time because I know IT will rule their fathers and IT serves me too. I don't want their father's to be rumbled. So I do adopt a lot on the other hands.

Sometimes I like, no, you need my direction, right? And you eat my authentic self to shine here. why? Because I need IT. It's important for me to do the important thing to take away with the three cl spring work is this. It's important for all of us to be mindful of what's happening in any situation, which of the selves is showing up. Try your best to push out of the performing self, adapt wherever you want to a need to, and then do your best to show up as the good side of your authentic self, bring your good, your best, authentic self side interactions as much as possible.

What is one action that the person listening right now could do now that they understand this three part framework?

So here's my take away question for you. What's one thing about yourself? One thing that you are currently hiding or mashing or changing about yourself in your interactions because you're fearing judgment, you worry that people take their love and acceptance away, that after today you're going to start to share.

So what's one thing about yourself that you want to be more authentic about in all of your interactions? And that could be having people pronounce your name correctly. You could be talking about the fact that your L G B T Q IT could be talking about your childhood upbringing IT could be talking about I am happy you hard could be telling someone you love them. What's one thing about your stuff that you're gna start to share up and today that you been hiding?

What's one thing? amazing. This was so fascinating, and I just can't thank enough.

Thank you so much. Now that means so much coming for you in particular, and a huge fan of your work. So I am so grateful for your time and energy.

My pleasure, my pleasure. I cannot wait to hear what you do with this three part framework, because you know that all I want for you is for you to be your full self. And one more thing I want to make sure that, in case no one else tells you today, but I tell you, I love you, I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to start accepting and loving yourself as you are, as you're not, and as you become the person you know you want to be. All right, what's talking in a few days?

Oh my god.

I didn't.

Thank god you told me to hate record. We just record at all that. And I did not have the machine recording.

Oh my god. To a bunch of executives in the supply chain injury, injury, injury industry. What the fuck is going on? okay.

Oh, I know .

what that is. I even had my coffee boost today OK horican. Okay, yep, if we can, you're basically same. It's I can offer crying out like my kids always call when i'm doing this.

Oh, my god.

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a license therapies, and this pocket is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got IT good. I'll see in the next episode .

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