406: Background Check
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- I just have to say, I have been waiting a very, very, very, very long time for us to do this particular recap because it's honestly one of my favorite episodes ever. - Really? - Yes, ever. - That's interesting. It was the worst for me. - Was the worst for you? - Hannah.

Relax. I'm joking. Okay. All right. I got so sad. I was like, what happened that I didn't know? Anyway, I can't wait to get into this episode. It is episode 406, Background Channeling.

Okay, run it down. Okay, so in this episode, as Winston prepares for a vital home visit from Sergeant Durato, Jess comes clean about a bag of meth she accidentally bought at a garage sale, causing Schmidt to kiss Cece. Yes, that's what caused Schmidt to kiss Cece. Caused Nick to come clean about his teenage erection demons and coached in search of a little boy at a park, all in an attempt to keep the cover-up alive.

alive. I love this episode so much. It's so, it should be so problematic and somehow it's not. Genius. Genius episode directed by the great, wonderful Lorraine Scafaria and written by the immensely talented Rebecca Adelman. We're going to take a break and then we're going to dive in.

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Okay, it seems as if we're back from a break. So we promised the folks we would dive in. It seems like we're back. You know what's really funny? I just watched some of our... I never really watch our stuff, but I just watched some of the clips of us doing this recording.

And I realize that it looks like I'm like reading a book while we're recording. But it's because I see you're I'm like looking at you and like where you are on my computer screen is low. And so it's just like me sitting here sitting. So I am now trying to like be aware of the camera this many episodes in and lift my chin and my eyes upwards. But it's very weird. But then I don't see you. Wait, are you at the bottom or are you at the top of your screen? I'm at the top. You're at my bottom.

You're at my bottom. No, that's... That's terrible. Terrible. Whoa. Because I could go like this and be looking down at you. We could do it like a video. Both of us. Everybody would look at the top of our cute heads. There was that video where Usher thought he was in the middle of the screen and all these celebrities were singing a song and Usher thought he was in the middle so he kept looking down at people but Usher was at the bottom corner. So the whole video, he's just like...

Eyelines, man. Eyelines. Eyelines are very important. All right, let's dive in. I love this episode so much. And the reason why, and they even say it in the episode, it's an all hands on deck and new girl episode. It was a box episode, which means all of us are basically in the loft together, which means when we shot it,

We were all there all week, which was not common. Usually there's an A storyline, a B storyline, a C storyline. Maybe you work two days or three days or you're coming in when someone else is leaving. But for this episode, we all got to be together. And it was so absurd, the episode, that we got to have so much fun with it. Something about like the high stakes drama of it and getting to feel anxious just made it silly. Damon's um...

Damon's hunt that he had to go and do. That was a real kicker. All right. Okay, so let's start right from the top. Okay, so Schmidt's finding out through reading texts on Jess's phone that Cece went on a date. My favorite is when she says, why don't you just go through my... Because I'm looking at my phone. Why don't you just go through my phone like you always do when I'm in the shower? You know, that is Prime's sneaky phone checking time when the person's in the shower. Is that when you do it? That's when I used to do it back in the day.

Now you do it just in front of them? Openly. Give me your phone. Your phone. No, now I don't have to do it anymore, thankfully. But yes, when someone was in the shower, it was always like, doo, doo, doo. You were like a little pink panther being like, let me go stand at the phone. I love that he knows that...

Or she knows that that's when he does it. All right. Winston walks into the kitchen and lets Alof know that the Academy is doing a background check on him today. That's right. Very, very important. This outlet mall bit. Also unhinged and hysterical.

Yeah, before we get into that, though, this is what's so crazy is what I'm what I'm realizing about this particular set of friends, mainly just Nick and Schmidt. And now I'm a little bit coached, but Nick has done this enumerate. Well, we have we've all kind of done it. We have tried to sabotage the other person's employment.

Like, we don't all share a loft. It's like, you kind of want us to be working. You need my rent money for you to live here. Like, oh my God. Like, the other episode with the sponge and Nick is like intentionally sabotaging it. At least in that episode, Coach and Winston were kind of trying. They were just really bad at it. In this one, they're like, I don't care. I know. Nothing to do with us. I don't care.

Maybe you won't have a job. We don't care. It's a very weird thing. And then the outlet mall setup he has going on is hysterical. The legs first thing, I don't even know why. It was making me, because I love an outlet mall. So I was like actually taking notes. I thought it was great. Never been to an outlet mall, I don't believe. Really? I don't believe. I bet you you've been, you didn't know it. No, because I don't like, I mean, there were certain malls around my...

growing up in certain malls that I went to. I don't ever remember. It's a grown up thing to do though. You wouldn't have done it as a kid. That's what I mean. So as a grown up, I'm quite positive I've never been to an outlet mall. Really?

yeah i'm gonna ask what do you get at outlet mall just everything in bulk is it like costco of malls no it's just everything cheap you can go to like any like high-end designer store but it's all like 50 off and you know me you know i don't do anything cheap i like to pay full price for everything i know it looks like i only wear merch from shows that i have been a part of i know it only looks that way

That's all I wear. Are you okay finding... Do you need me to lend you some money? Honestly, yeah. I'm trying to buy another house. I really need the cat. All right. So Jess says this is an all-hands-on-deck situation. So they have to help. This is why you need female friends. They have to help Winston pass his background check because last time he handcuffed his cat to the radiator and then lost the key. Yeah. But in his defense, it was a Christmas card. Yeah.

And then this hysterical thing that comes to what Max Greenfield does great, which is mispronounce names intentionally, just as she's going to cancel her plans with Cece. And she'll get the download on Paul later, which of course sends Schmidt into like a spiral.

about how weird the name Paul is. Yeah, Paul. I remember when I was re-watching it, I missed that first part and I had to go rewind. I was like, what word is he trying to say? And then I remembered and I was like, oh, it's Schmidt. He's Paul. I was like, he's trying to say Paul. But I love the fact that, I love this interaction about Sergeant Dorado, her name. I don't know, that was...

The fish. That was like one of the, that to me was one of my favorite, one of my favorite lines to deliver ever, period, in my career. I don't know why, but because the writers wrote so well on this show. And so every once in a while they would hit like a, they would have like a home run. All of them were like on base. All of them were like, you know, this one was like a home run for me in my life because I,

What was the line? He's like, it's Sergeant Del Dorado. I'm pretty sure they call her Dorado like the fish. What did he say? Because she's... They call her the fish because she's like most fish I've interacted with. I'm like, that is so stupid. It is so...

It is so dumb. And the fact that you then have to go look at, like, you look back and you go, I wonder if Winston has been interacting with fish. There's a lot of fish bits in this show, to be fair. There's the lionfish bit. Yeah, the lionfish. The aquarium. They've done a lot of stuff with fish. Is fish going to be my new bit, like the bears? I hope not. So then Jess confesses, um...

That she's a little worried that the police might go through her closet because she has been storing a bag of meth. And then she pulls out, I mean, the largest bag of meth I think that's ever been bagged. Walter White couldn't handle that. Then she tells them when she was getting waffles in Antelope Valley, I love the detail. I love detail so much. I love specifics. She bought a footstool from a garage sale. And when she opened up the top, she found the meth.

The methamphetamine. The methamphetamine. And so she's like, we can't tell Winston. We don't want to freak him out. And then Winston comes in dressed, by the way, very nicely and appropriately for his background check. And so they immediately all, of course, start to jump on him. Destroying him. But Winston is such a sweetheart that he takes it as...

a kind a kind gesture what did you say you're like rubbing alcohol you you sting me in the now but you save me that was a great line too and it was also like so winston yeah they're being so rude and he still finds a positive spin it's so sweet

Because they're being straight up disrespectful. Yeah, he came back and he found a shirt that he wore on the lawn. They found it on the lawn. The shawarma line also had me in stitches. They're just trying to get rid of him. Basically, what they're trying to do is they need Winston out of there so they can deal with the... With the methamphetamine. Yeah. Fun fact, I've never seen meth. Either. I always... This is maybe part of my naivete in the world, but I'm like...

How would you, what do you, how do you, you couldn't just walk down the street? And like, I don't even know. It's just like, how would you even see it?

Or get it if you wanted to. I'm not asking, by the way. Please nobody tell me. I'm not interested. Well, you can probably ask ChatGPT how to make it. Can I make it from scratch? Are you a plant? I know about as much about meth as Jessica Day does. Let's just put it that way. Oh, yeah. I'm a huge Franky Bad fan.

So Nick reiterates he can't lie. It just makes him sweat. He can't know where they hide the meth or he's just going to blurt it out. So Jess tells him to close his eyes and sing Landslide, which, wow, great song clearance, by the way, because it is a phenomenal song. Then she throws the bag of meth to Schmidt and it explodes on him back.

- You know what I found interesting about these, these are what I call TV moments. - Yeah. - Moments that you have to play in the dumb of it all because you can affect the storyline or you have to ride the joke out. They're like, he's like, "I can't look at you put it in the trash."

Because I'm on a Yelp track. He says, I can't, he can't be around. We'll leave the effing room. You walk away. I'm like, just go in the room while we go handle this. And then you got to, it was so funny to me. I'm like, oh, oh, there's a TV moment. Yeah.

It's like, logically. We did get to do a lot of really, really crazy slapsticky stuff. We did it from time to time and it was amazing. But moments like that where you get to just be in the TV moment of the dumbness is so fun. Where you don't have to make it make sense. It's fine. Let him sing Landslide with his eyes closed. Fine. Let it explode all over the place. Fun fact. What is Landslide? Which song is that? Who sings that song? Landslide. Stevie Nicks. Fleetwood Mac sings it.

And then the chicks covered it and they did a really great cover. It's kind of like, you know, getting older and being a parent and life and relationships. It's really a beautiful, beautiful song. You would do a great cover of it.

I'm not a singer. So that'd be. You are a singer. We just opened this entire podcast. I can let you singing on the John Mulaney show. I had a cold and I still have it. Well, you did a really good job. So there's no, there's no proof. It's a beautiful song. I love it. So beautiful. All right. So in the elevator, Winston tells Dorado that their apartment used to be a biscuit factory.

- Wow, what does he say? That no one told the rats? Is that we're residential now? - Then she tells him that she hates jokes. And then he says, "Are you having a fun Saturday?" This part's so sad. - 'Cause her bird died. - Her bird died. She said she's not 'cause her bird died. Which when I heard that, I was like, yes. Yes, recognize grieving for obscure pets.

She needed a day off, Dorado, to grieve her birdie. And I don't like the fact that you just call birds obscure. When birds have been here. Birds have been here longer than us. I'm just saying it's not like there seems to be a weird ranking. Like if someone's dog dies. Consider the pterodactyl. Consider the dove. These creatures. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Man, you should start a side business where you are the preacher at bird funerals. This is a great job for you. You wear the bird shirt, you come out righteous, fire a brimstone, give it to them. You gotta let him soar. He's now soaring above the clouds. This is what I'm saying.

All I'm doing is sitting here like making money, money making jobs for you, printing it. And I appreciate it. Like I said, I got to get another home. Sell this. Just play like Monopoly with these houses out there. Okay, so she's having a bad day because her bird died. She's not in the mood for any funny business. Unfortunately for her, she's about to walk into apartment 40. Oh boy. Yeah, so in the living room, Dorado lets them know she'll be asking the questions and in return will expect no questions at all.

She offers up three fun personal facts. She just wants this to be over. That's the thing that's hysterical. And so do they. And yet somehow the gang just managed to draw this out in the most painful way for everybody. Yeah, I believe, you know who I blame for this? Nick and Jess. Yes.

Sure. I blame them too because she's freaking out over... First of all, what she should have done a long time ago was figure out what the F was in that little thing she had, that ottoman. She should have figured that out a long time ago. And two...

Maybe when Winston said that, oh, you know, this is going to happen, she should have picked it up, walked it outside, put it in the trash. She should have done something like that. Set it on a random corner. I don't care. But she didn't. And then Nick is acting like a complete buffoon. Here's what I will say, because I do know how when you don't know a lot about drugs or crime, your brain only can pull from like procedurals on TV. And so like I found a big bag of meth.

I would probably be like, well, I don't want to like go throw it in the garbage because now my fingerprints are on it and they're going to do like the dusting thing. And then they're going to think it's mine and then they're going to find it in the trash. And so then you just almost get like paralyzed and you go like, I'll just keep it here in the closet. And who's going in my closet anyway? Just me. So it's going to be fine. It's going to be totally fine. And he'll cop walks into your house and is like, we're going through your house. Right. So she didn't, I probably, if I'm trying to make this into like a real scenario, I'm

You would just go like, I don't know. I just don't want to have this out in the world. My fingerprints on it. Well, even though that's ridiculous. Well, if you're watching these these procedurals, you would know how to clean up a crime scene. But I put on gloves, wash the outside of the bag and then proceed to take the bag outside. This is true. All right. So Dorado says, introduce yourself, Nick.

Immediately introduces himself, but cannot get his full name out because he's an idiot. Then a bag of meth falls out of Jess's bra. She's got these huge boobs, meth boobs. And then Cece comes barreling and asking about the meth. And before she can get the word out and blow up their entire spot, Schmidt takes the opportunity to silence her.

With a kiss. With a mouth on mouth, a little mouth on mouth action. And then he says, this is my girlfriend and whispers to Cece, like go along with this or Jess goes to jail. And I got to hand it to Cece, man. This is what I've always said about like this character and why I've loved it so much. She is the most solid best friend in the world because she knows her ex-boyfriend is taking a liberty right now. But if what he's saying is true, she's not going to hang a girl out to dry.

Right. Although we do reveal later on that she was into it. That's true. So you kind of do it for yourself too. That's true. It's not the worst thing that's happened in her day. The cutest is Winston being like, I've shipped you guys for years. This is the greatest thing ever. And not because he's unaware of what's happening.

What do you say? You can't put peanut butter and jelly on the same shelf and expect them not to mix. Somebody got to eat a sandwich. I mean, that's the classic Winston line. Oh, man. And so then Dorado, she's asking just why she thinks Winston would make a great officer.

Before she could answer, was the pats her on the back causing the old meth to move around and mush around in her bra. And so she has to go to the bathroom. And of course, Winston would follow her to the bathroom. Of course he would. This episode, of course he would. Oh my gosh. Oh no, this part when she asks Nick. And Nick explains why Winston would make a good cop. Yeah.

To a lady cop. As Lil Wayne will say, to the lady cop. Because of his great mustache. All cops have great mustaches. Not the ladies. But they could if they want to. I think they would be sexy. It's too much.

Nothing I like better. It's my favorite version of Nick Miller is the stressed, sweaty, bad lying Nick Miller. It's my absolute favorite. Oh, or when he stutters, when he said he wants to, he's like, can I shove a grape in your mouth? Can I put a grape? Can I, can I hand the grape in your mouth? Yeah.

So then Coach and Schmidt, of course, do the most by making up a lie about all the work Winston does for the community at the Boys and Girls Club with his little brother, Daquan. Daquan.

So it was supposed to be Juan and what was the other one? I don't know, but it was the two names become Daquan. Yeah, Daquan, which was so funny because Daquan is also the name of like a very popular, I'm not sure if it still is, a popular IG account with all these memes and stuff like that on it. Yeah.

And we used to always do bits on New Girl about names that start with D and then apostrophe. So we would always go like Daquan DeMarcus. Like we would always say, and we would always, even when Justin Long was on the show, he would say like the apostrophe. It was always that. Even though it's spelled a little bit differently, it's funny that Daquan is what came out of it. And now they have to go and produce Daquan, which is amazing. How are they going to get this child?

We get there when we get there. We'll get there when we get there. I don't even know how standards and practices like navigated what Damon was allowed to do or say in the park scene, but we'll get there when we get there. Oh my gosh.

So in the hallway, Winston asks about why Jess's breasts look so large. She says it's because of her cycle, which catches Winston off guard because his calendar on her cycle must be way off. Also, absolutely insane that he's got a calendar. Also insane, but I will say it feels like Winston was ahead of his time to sit there and be like tracking her cycle to know like how to help support her probably.

That's very kind. Well, I think this goes back to Menzies. Was Menzies before this or after this? Before. Before. This goes back to Menzies when they were like, when Winston was like, you know, feeling like he was on her cycle. Yeah. He synced up. Yeah. And so maybe he just kept it. Maybe. Yeah.

He still has his period every single month. What a fucking idiot. Dorado says she's going to follow up with the Boys and Girls Club. Coach stops her and makes up a lie that Daquan Feldman always comes to spend his Saturdays at the loft, which is today. And he's going to leave and go get him. I love the fact, though, that she wasn't just letting it go. It was like...

Yeah, who is he? Who is the Kwan? Oh, from this place. Where is he? Why is he not here? She's just like, damn, maybe he's supposed to come at night. Leave it alone. So now he has to go out there and hunt. He has to go out and find a child. All right, we're going to go to break and then we will be back.

Everybody has been there. Traffic was a nightmare. You got home late and your dinner plans are out the window when you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying,

I'm hungry. Yeah, that's when dinner dread sets in. What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it doesn't have to be because a delicious family pleasing meal from Stouffer's is only a ding away. So if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry. Just turn to a delicious solution from Stouffer's, a meal that will always leave everyone happy, especially you. Maybe you'll be able to make a good meal.

Maybe some chicken enchiladas. Spaghetti with meat sauce is always a winner. Or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake? Yes, please. When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. Shop now for family favorites.

Okay, so have you ever noticed how we hold back our smiles in awkward situations? Okay, but here's the thing. Sometimes, sometimes a smile can change everything. And Colgate is here to give you the confidence to smile first. Okay, so the other day I walked into a meeting and I just felt like the person I was meeting with was just sizing me up, just staring at me. Super awkward. But I remembered.

smile first. So I did just a quick confident smile. And guess what? They smiled back. Colgate believes a smile can break down walls. And it's true because instantly the whole vibe just changed. Or like last week, I'm at a coffee shop. There's a long line and the barista's flustered.

I smiled first. A, hey, you got this kind of smile. And they smiled back. And the guy behind me even cracked a joke. All because of a simple smile. Smiling first might feel like a bold move, but it helps you put the best version of yourself out there. Colgate helps you show the world your confident smile. My

Not in my house.

Anyway, it's awesome. Order now at Shipt.com slash 360. Terms apply. This summer, Disney Plus is going retro for real with all of your Disney Plus and Hulu throwback faves. An endless rewind on Disney Plus with The Princess Diaries, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, and Freaky Friday. Could you, like, chill for a sec? Then with Hulu, throw it back with Gilmore Girls' One Tree Hill and Full House. You good?

Oh man. Okay. We,

We are back. We are back. We are back. This episode, the reason I loved, I love shooting this episode. I remember it so vividly and I loved rewatching it is that it's a train, right? It's just one of those episodes where there's no like lull in the joke or the laugh or the, like the, or the stakes of the thing. So just an A storyline. That's all you're getting. You're getting one story going full force and it just keeps building in its absurdity.

It's so good. We did a few like this, but this one was my favorite. Okay, so Dorada goes into Nick's room and another Nick Miller bit. His back sweat and slash heart attack, basically, that's happening to this man is obviously going to give something away. So he puts on the...

Kimono. Kimono. The kimono to hide his back sweat. Slash heart attack that he's having. Yeah. You go back in the bathroom. Now, the toilet is overflowing because they're shoving literal rocks down the- Yeah, they're shoving rocks. They don't know this, but they're shoving rocks. Yeah. And it won't flush. And Winston asked Nick, because at this point, there's something happening.

Right. Dorado can hear it. There's clanging. There's bangs. What is that noise? He goes, it's clanging. And they leave to go figure this thing out. And Nick Moon walks out of the room, which lets Winston know there's something going down. I love that when Schmidt barges into the bathroom to figure this out with you guys, he just takes his shirt off.

All the stuff he does around CC is so unhinged and so funny that he's got to rip his shirt off. It also reminds me of like, we would talk about it a lot. Just kind of like the built in pressure that kind of existed for Max and for myself for a few seasons where, cause we were just always, I don't know, taking our shirt off. Yeah.

And so you were trying to like be fit all the time because you just didn't know if a script was going to be like, now he rips his shirt off to clean up wet meth. Like nobody sees that coming. I'm glad I didn't have to do that. I am so. You didn't have a lot of topless scenes. No, I had a few. I had a few. I feel like everybody got a sprinkle, but Max got it a lot. Yeah, that's what he gets. That's what he gets. That's what he gets for doing crunches. Yeah.

Okay, so Winston discovers the meth. Jess tries to tell him it's legal medical meth for her cramps. Which...

I mean, amazing use for meth if that's what it could be used for. I don't know. Let's ask. Let's go to the comments. Let's ask the fans out there. Have you ever used meth for cramps? If so, tell us your story. Have you ever been on your period and the greatest painkiller was meth? And then how did that work for you? What did the police say? How long are you? I only use it once a month. Yeah. For about four days.

Back in the room, Nick is alone with Dorado, which as we know is a terrible situation. He's sweating profusely. He starts to sing Landslide, his version, all made up words. He says his body looks like he's crying and what is he hiding? And then that unleashes the wildest Nick Miller rant maybe in the show's history. The things he starts to confess slowly to Dorado.

Yeah, like, what did he say? I once thought when I was 16, I didn't think I could get an erection anymore. He goes, I thought I was dead. I thought I was dead. The look on his face when he goes, but it wasn't. It was so perfect. It was so perfect. When he was 13, he made love to himself behind a post office.

Then comes the scene that we have been discussing, which again, I don't know how standards and practices in the legal department at Fox help them navigate coach pulling up to basketball courts at the park and trying to explain to young boys why he needs them. Wow.

Just for a short period of time to get in his car. And it's the funniest that, of course, it would be Damon that's playing coach sent out on this mission, who is like the most upstanding, wonderful father to like a bunch of kids. He got 13 kids. Then he gets written this thing where he's got to go and pick a kid up from the park. And they had to dance that line so finely. And somehow it works. Somehow it's not like...

inappropriate or not funny. They just managed to sell it enough. And I always say that's the magic, I feel like, of Damon Wayans Jr., man. There's just something when you watch him and he can just get away with some stuff because you know he's good-hearted. Man, he has written some of the funniest, most disturbing tweets ever.

I have ever. They're so funny. But it's him, so you're like, you just got to laugh at it. And you're like, I remember one of his tweets from a long time ago.

was like, I forget what it was. It was like real men shit standing up. Oh, that's right. I remember this. Side down. Yeah. He was on hinted on Twitter, that's for sure. He had some fucked up tweets. When Twitter was a thing. Oh, man. So good. So funny. CeCe then decides to totally mess with Schmidt because he's kind of been messing with her a little bit.

and says that the Paul is Mark Paul Gosselaar. Did I hear that right? - Yeah. - I thought it was like Gossier back in the day.

No, it's Gosselaar. Gosselaar. Zach Morris. Zach Morris. Zach Morris, though. My goodness. Which, of course, sends him into a spiral because no one worships Zach Morris more than Schmidt, which she would have known. So she used it just to kind of make him lose his ever-loving mind. Which is evil. And then she reveals that she's teasing him. And it's a very sweet little moment between our little Schmidt and CeCe that are trying to rebuild...

After the Elizabeth debacle. So it's a really cute moment of connection of them just messing with each other and being able to take it and finding like the joke in it. And it's very sweet. I remember doing it. It was a very sweet little moment. It was always so easy with Max.

And I love the fact that right afterwards, we cut back to Nick continuously. My God. Continuing to spew out all of his secrets. What does he say? The lemons in his mother's mouth when she's sleeping?

What are you doing? Because this is the stuff, you know, all this stuff came from the writer's room and they were all real things that people probably confessed about like being young and like what felt like high stakes secrets at the time that you've just carried around in the back of your brain. For sure. Oh my God. Putting a lemon in your mouth. That's, I don't know why that's, that's weird. That's weird, bro. Or when he would feed, was it cornflakes? He would feed cornflakes to certain animals and

Some of them would die. Some of them wouldn't. It was so terrible. Oh, gosh. Also, it's like the sign of a serial killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If we ever do this reunion that 20th is talking about, they're trying to get it done now.

They're still negotiating with Jake Johnson on his fee. But if we ever get that off the ground, I do believe Nick would be the whole the whole the whole season would be about trying to get him out of prison because of a series of bodies that have come up. They were going to find out in the new girl freezer.

I will say this. I've always thought it's a real pie in the sky thing that there would ever be a reunion. And I don't know why last week out of nowhere, I was like, I think we're going to do one one day. I think it's going to happen. We all are so genuinely close. We all are such genuine friends. The fan base is still there. Thanks, guys. And I'm like, yeah, there's a little life in it left. That could be kind of fun.

Yeah, I think so. I mean, listen, like I've always said, I'd totally be down for it. But, you know, I'm always going to be honest about it. I don't think they're going to do it. You don't think they'll ever do it? It would all be Liz. It would have to be Liz being like, hey, guys, want to get back together? Liz is making hit after hit. Hit after hit. She's like, you know, she ain't got the time.

Maybe if it's like a Golden Girls version, we do it in like 40 years. We're all sitting on the couch. We're all grandparents in it. Morgan Freeman. All right. So Winston asked Jess why she hid the meth from him. And Jess says she didn't come to Winston because she didn't think he'd make it as a cop. Which is brutal. Which is brutal. Cool. Because now it's kind of out there that everybody, like no one thought he was able to.

No one believed in him in this moment. But he's going to do the right thing, which is what he always does. And he says, you know what? I'm going to say it's mine. I'm not going to get the job anyway. I don't want you to lose your job. And, you know, so Winston and Jess are about to go and like do the thing. And right as he's about to do it, she says no. And then puts herself out there and does this whole ordeal about how she's about how it's her mess.

and that Winston would make a great cop although when she said it in that moment I didn't believe it you literally 30 seconds ago just told me you didn't believe it it's a big 180 it's a huge 180 Dorado says she's gonna go to the bathroom she gonna have a look around

And she wants them to stay put. Don't move. Don't think about moving. If you think about anything, it better be about not moving. She goes full mom on them and it's so great. Full mom. And I'm shocked they stayed because when I go full mom on Lily, she don't listen. Yeah.

You're too nice of a mom. You gotta get that tone down. I would get in the tone, but she just, she'd know me. Like, she's just like, what a joke. She's also a woman and you're a man. Yeah. You have no chance. You're helpless. I know. Yeah. I know. She's too cute. She's too cute. Oh my God.

Is this why dads leave? Nobody respects me. Okay, so Winston always had visions of a partner named Robertson. Winston slept with his wife?

I mean, this was his imagination. This was like what was going on. Absolute, like wild, what he daydreams about. Well, listen, you got to think about the whole thing. You got to map out everything. Because what's going to happen if Robertson shows up and his wife is bad? And she giving you the eye. And then Robertson's always hot on the case. So he never got time to be hot on his wife's ass. I like that you are also spending time thinking about this. This is not just a Winston thing. She got to be taken care of. Bring the cuffs. Yeah.

Nick says, for whatever it's worth, he kept a secret. I like how he's trying to make this about him. Schmidt apologizes to Cece for kissing her and Cece admits...

that she may have kissed him a little too. Another cute little building block and getting these two back together, which apparently Winston is very invested in. That's right. Nick just tells Nick to live his life while she's in prison. Just then, Dorado comes in to this true gang of idiots. Yes. And says, Gang, this ain't no myth.

uh this these are aquarium rocks you're all as dumb as rocks these are even jess still thinks that's the street name for it she's so invested in the lie she's been telling herself for so long and then dorado does the most wonderful thing she goes when you pass the background check because you are one of the best cadets that we have

That's right. There's something about being a grown man and they call you a cadet. I don't know why I don't like... It feels weird. A cadet feels like a kid, like a child. It does feel like a kid. Maybe Winston just joined the police too late. That's right. He's like 20 years behind everybody else. Yeah. Of course he's the best. He's a grown man competing against children. That's right. He's a cat. We wonder why he's so good. He can tie his own shoelaces. His man is an elder. Yeah.

Dorado also tells him to move out of the law. This is sound advice. This is sound advice. I love the fact that Nick, you know, Nick says to pee on an electrical socket. To pee on an electrical socket to try to make light. He can't stop telling the truth. It's also hysterical. But he did keep the one truth.

- A secret. So he's not wrong. But I guess if that's your coping mechanism is that your body feels compelled to tell the truth. And now everybody knows all this embarrassing stuff about you. But it lets you hold onto the one thing, it's not bad. - Only you gotta tell everything else. And then coach, I love this part. - Oh, I can't. - It's like, it's over, right? The day is saved, we figured it out, everything's fine. And then coach comes in at the best time. - With a grown man.

I think it's Marcus Ray is his name. He's so funny. So funny. This dude comes in and kills it. He is Daquan. He just calls him Mr. Limstoms. He absolutely kills it. And then...

The romantic bromance moment between Coach and Daquan. Yes, with their love of outlet malls. It's so funny. A chef's kiss of a button that they made it work. The most problematic, uncomfortable thing turns out to just be a grown man

romance of the outlet thing that they started at the beginning of the episode. One of the best written episodes where they managed to tie every single thing up. Like Winston gets his flowers based on his own merit. Nick gets to like, keep a secret. You get to see, you know, CC and Schmidt have this moment where, you know, Oh, they're going to get back together. Like we're on this track now, which always felt good to the audience. Um,

All of it is just, I don't know, it's just one of the best episodes. And it was so fun to shoot because we all just got to run around and be like in a Benny Hill sketch for five days. Oh, I loved background check. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. We'll be right back. Let's talk more about it.

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And we are back. Hey, babe. Yeah, babe. Let's mess around a little bit. Come on!

Question for you. Where would you have hid meth if you only had a few minutes before the police arrived? Well, I just would like to say this because I'm discussing. I don't know. If meth looks like huge aquarium rocks, it would feel insane. Because you do think, because of movies, oh, we flush it down the toilet. You do think that. And then, but if they're like rocks...

That's a problem. The other thing you learn from movies is to put it in like the, you take the top of the back of the toilet off. Yeah, but the police know that. They see movies too. This is what I would do though. I wouldn't know. I wouldn't think of any, I wouldn't know what to do. If it's a few minutes, I would assume just get it out, like out of the house somewhere, hide it somewhere behind a plant or something. You know what I would do if- You would do it.

I would snort all the meth or shoot it. What do you do? Smoke it? No, what you do is, and this is simple. This is for all those people out there. This is very simple. You put it in, and they could have easily figured out it wasn't meth if they would have just done this method. They take a blender.

Right? You fill the blender halfway with water, then you pour some of the meth in there. And you throw some oranges in there. And you blend it up. A little creatine, a little protein powder. And you blend them all up in the thing and just leave that in the fridge or right there on the countertop. Everybody knows, don't drink it.

Everybody knows. This feels very White Lotus. This is how they almost all died in White Lotus. Almost. The dad was on some shady stuff. He didn't tell them. But this time you're telling the family, hey, this will kill you or get you real high. Don't mess with this. And the police come in. They search the whole house. They're not going to check the smoothie.

This is very good, actually. Yeah, you blended it all up. They're not going to do that. What if they go, oh, you just make the smoothie? So yeah, they're like, oh, can I have some? And you're going to be like, no, it's for my cramps. I got special supplements. Yeah.

This is, I'm a man on my period. This is a cramp smoothie, officer. Oh my gosh. This is how I take my dementia medication. I blend it up. You don't want these. It's falling apart at the end, but I do like the idea of the smoothie, though it's giving me a White Lotus moment where you just then stick it in the sink and then like someone comes along and is like, hmm. That was the part of White Lotus that bugged me, by the way, that crusty, dirty thing.

like smoothie thing like you wouldn't rinse that yeah you don't wash it out bro what's wrong with you it was a very weird choice listen i like mike white i don't like him that much because he hasn't put me in white lotus you know you're gonna be in white lotus next season there's no way he these stories are mostly about white families the main there's there's one black person and then maybe her son shows up you could have been her son

I mean, I'm just... No, I'm the same age as this woman. What are you talking about? I'm not even convinced that kid was...

Young enough to be her son. I would just like to remind you that I shot a pilot, okay? Where Elizabeth Hurley was my mom. All things are possible in television, okay? Because the most gorgeous, beautiful woman who definitely looks younger than me, I played her daughter. That's crazy. It is crazy. By the way, I've never in my entire life

And we all know the Prince story. But I've never in my entire life felt more flattered than when they cast me as Elizabeth Hurley's daughter. On every level it hit as the greatest compliment of my life. I love her so much. I love you so much, Elizabeth Hurley. I love you. Elizabeth, I love you too. Call me.

um okay this was essentially a job interview for winston gone wrong what's the worst job interview you've ever had i know mine you know yours yeah i mean i can tell you mine mine i can't i never had a bad actual job interview you know when you go in and you try to apply for something you get application i've never had a bad one of those like i've if i applied i got the job um

What it was, I look at acting as auditions as job interviews. Oh, God. If you're opening that door, then I've got a bunch. Well, I got a few. There's one that my ego got in the way. It was recently. I had to audition for... This is the other day for an M. Night Shyamalan film. Get out. And it pissed me off so much that I had to read. And this is what I say ego. Because it wasn't that big of...

It was like, you know when you're fresh off a big award and you're like, oh, maybe they should make an offer. It's like, no. They're like, you still have to put yourself on tape. And when they were like, you got to put yourself on tape, I was like, well, what's the turnaround on this going to be? I'll do it. I'll figure it out. I was sick at the time. I was like, okay, let me put this tape together. And I don't think it was the best tape, but I was like, okay, you know what? Is there a way that I could just have a meeting with M. Night Shyamalan? And they were like, no, he don't want to meet with you. And I was like...

You gotta be kidding me. You gotta be effing kidding me. So it wasn't that the tape was probably bad. I don't know if it was good enough. I didn't get it. But it was also the whole energy around it, which made me so just like pissed off and angry. You just got all in your own way. Do you not remember that you and I hung out with M. Night? I never hung out with M. Night. Yes, you did. I didn't. With me. When? When?

In New York. We went to an after party at Upfronts in New York. I don't remember what hotel we were at. We were at the bar. He was there with something with a show. And we were at the bar together chatting with M. Night for like a bunch of the night. Well, he don't give a shit about that. He's like, I've already met this man. I've already had a meeting with him. He was lovely. We hung out at the bar and chatted all night. And he just gave the role to a British guy. He's like, ah, the Brits, they just take over, don't they? Yeah.

Yeah, you and I hung out with him. Well, listen, Hannah. Call him and be like, you made a mistake. No problem. I'll make that call. But my real one, I auditioned for Chuck Lorre once for Mike and Molly. I want to say that show Mike and Molly. And I had the worst audition of my life. It was so bad that when I walked out of the audition, my agent was calling me. By the time I got to my car, my agent had called me and was like, what happened? What?

I was like, are you unwell? I was like, I'm so sad. I didn't know what happened. I just, you know what it is? I never look people up. I never look up who they are, what they look like. So when people are in a room, I'm not phased by it. Like I'm not phased by it. This was the first time I said, you know what?

I know Chuck Lorre, obviously the name, you watch TV shows, the name is behind all of them. So I just Googled what Chuck Lorre looked like. And I was like, oh, that's Chuck Lorre. Okay. I go into the audition. First person I see is Chuck Lorre. He couldn't have been nicer. Hey man. And I was like, Hey man. And I bombed. First lie out of my mouth was the incorrect line. Yeah.

And I was like, what the fuck? It is amazing. When you think back to auditions, because I remember for Hunger Games, they brought me in. This was a billion years ago. And I went in and I'd had the worst day ever. I think I'd like broken up with my boyfriend. It was just like a really bad day. It was a super early audition. Sorry? You broke up with Kanye? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. I don't think we can make that joke anymore. Yeah. I'll stop. I'll stop. Yeah. Yeah.

It's yay now. I feel like I walked in and it was just one of those things. It's exactly what you just said. The first line came out wrong. And then I had so much other just life stuff happening that then, you know, when you like fully disassociate. So I was out of my body.

Yeah. So there's this girl just sitting there saying stuff now. I don't know what she's doing. And I'm fully just like, I got to get out of this room. I think I did a full disassociation and it was the worst audition. I could not, could not remember a line. And I will say it's the one thing I know since I've been young is like a natural gift I have.

I can memorize anything. You can give me a book and give me like a day. I will memorize the book. I don't have an issue with memorizing words, but my brain just went through like a hard no. It was like, we cannot do one more thing today. Yeah. I remember that. And it was just, it was awful. And I remember the casting director kind of looked at me like, are you like, what happened? Where did you go? Basically, I was like, I'm so sorry. Yes, you're right. I did fully leave.

I went to a dark place. I went to a dark place. I went to a dark place. I know. What a mistake. Hunger Games. That was huge. I should have... You screwed that up. I should have gotten over that ex-boyfriend way quicker. Screwed up my damn work life. We could have been rich. All right. Last thing. How do you think Jess would have made out if she did go to jail? She would have been fine. She would have been a star, star inmate. Yeah, they would have loved her.

They would have loved her. They would have loved her. They would have, like, some people would have tried to take advantage initially, but she would have been so genuine that people would have been like, huh. Yeah. She would have, like, crocheted them, you know, little blankets and made little T-corners, and she would have, it would have been a very sweet experience. I think she would have been okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh yeah. 100%. She would have been fine. We're not concerned. Send our friend to jail. She would have been great. Bye. You're going to have a great time. She comes out with tattoos on her face. She comes up.

part of the Aryan nation. So what we're saying is for the reunion, so Jess has got tattoos, comes out a hardened criminal. Nick is going down for being a serial killer. We're really pitching. Liz, we got some ideas. Yeah, I think those work. Fans, let us know how Jess would have made out in jail. In prison.

All right, everybody. One of my favorite, favorite episodes of all time. It was so fun to rewatch. I forgot how good it was. Cleo King.

He's the queen, man. She was amazing. Marcus Ray. Marcus Ray as Daquan. So funny. So great. Yeah. Hey, guys, listen. Thank you for listening. Make sure you follow us on IG at The Mess Around Pod. You know, if you're on YouTube, hit that notification bell. Like it. Subscribe. Do all those fun things that people do. When you do that, it helps us out. We love you. Bye.

That was The Mess Around, an iHeartMedia production. Our executive producer is Joelle Monique. Our senior producer is Abu Zafar. Bay Wang provided engineering and editing services. Additional production from Daniel Goodman, Wendy Heisler, and Kyle Chevron. Our theme song was written and composed by Ronald Jukebox Jackson. Catch you next time. Bye.

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