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Ryan Reynolds here from Int Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices

Hello, folks.

Hello folks, welcome to the Nateland podcast. I'm Nate Bargetzi, sitting here with Aaron Weber. Justin Smith, filling in for Brian Bates. What's up buddy? What's up? Oh, you're just saying to me? Oh yeah, to anybody out there. Everybody's a buddy. Everybody's a buddy. Everybody's at home listening. That's right. We're all buddies. So welcome to the show. This is, you know, we've recorded this one as a backup. I don't know if I ever should, are you supposed to say that?

I don't think people mind it. I think people like to know. I like to know. I think as long as you're consistent. You're just like, hey, I got something this week. We know you're busy. We know Aaron's busy. I don't have a lot going on. But you know like- Justin was wide open. Wide open. Yeah.

We're doing this for Justin. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Thanks, buddy. Audiences. We won't release it. We're just going to send it to Justin's YouTube only. Justin, you need some chin work. Yeah. It's an audition tape, basically. Yeah. What's chin work? Just like the way you hold your... Oh, chin? Yeah.

Do they call it chin work? I don't know. I haven't taken any classes yet, so I don't know. Is there a way to hold your chin? Oh, for sure. Is there like this? Yeah. When you're sitting, when you're on camera, you want to make sure that you're not slouched. You know, it's like it's all just facial placement and stuff. Well, didn't you and Jay Cutler talk about the trick of putting your tongue on the top of your mouth when you smile for a picture? Yeah. It's going to lift up your neck. Yeah. I want to work on my smile.

I mean, I mean, that's pretty rough right there. We were just talking about how, like, I can't. Justin's over here. He goes, I just look the worst when I smile. Oh, yeah. It's just, it's awful. It's just bad. Anytime for a picture. I don't, I still don't know. I know it sounds like a Will Ferrell thing, but I don't know what to do with my hands. Yeah. How do you smile? It's so bad. Oh, that is, that is tough to look at. I'm telling you, it's so bad. Cause I like, I have to make myself. Yeah. So what do you do? You don't smile that often. You just go.

Both of them look like you're not happy to be in the picture. Your smile and regular face, they're both like, I can't use any of this. I try to do the hip hop pose sometimes where it's like you cross your arms and you chin up. You have to do that. You have to just mean mug and be like, this is what I do. And you want to be like, listen, man, I'm so happy, but just trust me, if I would have smiled, it would have been way worse. It's like a soft smile. I always just say you're like...

I'll see pictures. I'll take pictures of people afterwards. It looks so forced. Not forced. I mean, I just think to go big, I'm not, I am happy. Yeah, sure. But you're trying to make sure and then it looks, because it don't be every picture you take of someone, you're like...

You know, it's like, that's what that would feel like. So you were like, I am happy to take these pictures. It's cool. It's such a struggle. I mean, I just... It is a weird... I think, I would imagine most people think that you either like have a great smile or you just, your whole life is figuring it out. It's like, you're either born with it or not with a smile. Being photogenic is a real thing. It's a real thing. Yeah. Also, there's tricks to it. Like, I have friends of mine that are like IG people and they like...

I had a full-on conversation about how it took her two years to figure out how to...

look natural on... Oh, yeah. And you're like... And she goes... I go, there's no way. Like, you look at her now and you're like, oh, there's no way. And then she showed me photos when she started, like, doing... She left all those up? No, no, no. She sent them to me. She's like, these have been long since been taken down. But she goes, this is the evolution of it. And I was just like, oh, my gosh. You can't tell somebody's like, oh, this is awkward. I would love to see that. I mean, it was bad. Yeah. That's interesting to even see it. Like, I would love to see...

how much better it gets to know like should you even is it you know because then you'd be like oh yeah this should be you should work on this like there's a big difference oh yeah and so that's interesting that's interesting if you ever see me in the future pictures and it's like it's like a new hole you're regressing i just get worse at it oh you do a blue steel like just straight on yeah i just always look like i went i do a nice here's two pictures of me a good one is i'm always like

I just raise my eyebrows up, and you're like, that's enough. They get it. Looks like this guy's having a good time. So much fun. So much fun. Christian Moscosco. Moscoso. Moscoso. When I was in elementary school, I had a teacher. He used to say that every night we go to bed being less dumb. I do not think he took into account the fact that I would listen to y'all weekly. On Wednesdays, I'm pretty sure I go to bed a little dumber. Best case scenario, may break even.

But what I know for sure is that on a Wednesday, I definitely go to bed happier. There it is. Yeah, we're not here to make you smarter. All right? Happier. I spent my whole life breaking even. Yeah. I've been in a deficit for a while. Emily Camp. Last night, our family went to the park to throw the Frisbee around.

Sometimes my rhythm of his sentences, I can even tell, like it's so bad. Last night our family went to the park to throw a Frisbee around. Throw the Frisbee around? Well, yeah.

While my husband, two older children, and I were passing and catching the Frisbee, our four-year-old with autism, who didn't start talking until last January, was running around and shouting, let's go, folks, over and over again. He thought it was hilarious. I was trying to figure out where he could have heard that. Then I realized I always listen to your podcast with him in the car. Thanks for keeping it clean. Look at that. Let's go, folks. That's for you.

That's so cool. Yelling at, you know, let them know. That's how we need to get the word out. Let me tell you something. He's going to be saying that for 30, 40, 50 years. Yeah, I like it. Because once you get into somebody with autism's repertoire like that, it's there forever. Perfect. Wait till that Conspiracy Theories episode sinks in. Yeah.

Matthew Hawkins. So my wife changed my life a few years back when she bought me this cereal bowl. It's got a top part for the cereal, a bottom part for the milk, and a little slide between. Your cereal will never get soggy. It's truly awesome. Wow. So you scoop it over there whenever you want. Oh, let me see that top. Do a video. Video kind of gets to point quicker than you going super fast.

Yeah, so you've got half of it. You just pour the milk. I already don't like this. Yeah. I don't know. I don't mind it. I understand it now. I understand it. Yeah, it's like it would be amazing. So it's got one half is where you put the cereal. The other half is where you put the milk. And then you can kind of slide around a little few pieces at a time. And you save milk, which is good. I think you'd end up using more milk. I don't think so. It doesn't look like it. I feel like you're going to have to refill. I don't know why those people are eating in a towel. Yeah.

I'm not on board with it because of that. That would be the reason. There you go. You had me until you had them come in a towel and robe and eat cereal. Like two robes maybe in the morning. They got up for breakfast, but she has a towel and you're eating cereal. And his robe doesn't fit. His robe does not fit at all. What is who? What do they think? I mean...

What do you think when you do an ad and you go at the end of it, you're like, well, we want no couples do it. All right, well, I'll just show a family eating. That's who eats cereal. You're like, no, we'll show kind of a sexy couple. And you're like, well, who cares if they eat cereal? And what are they looking at? They're just looking down and at the wall in the camera. Yeah, they look away. They eat the cereal and look out into their living room of nothing. You're looking at places where you should be sitting and you're not. That's a family that goes to bed dumber. Yeah.

You want to go have cereal and just stare into the living room? Is there windows? No, no, no, no, no. It's just our furniture. We'll look out amongst our furniture and our beautiful picture that we have. How would you even... What do you tell them when you're acting? You're like, so what do you want us to do? You know, they tried to sit down, I'm sure, and his robe kept coming open.

And they're like, well, that's no good. This is a small. Yeah. And then they go, all right, well, just come stand and eat it. And they probably ate it over. I guarantee they ate it at the camera. And it's like, and this is a cereal commercial. It's probably a little too revealing. And they're like,

You want to just do something else? And he's like, we're already here with the stuff on. So, you know, what if y'all grab a cereal and just, we don't show the product. By the way, the end of this video is not showing the product. It's showing the backs of two people. Nudging each other. Yeah. Like kind of a. Like it's a Seinfeld sketch almost. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They don't show the end of it. That's crazy, dude. And his towel looks like, his robe looks like it had a hole in it. They don't put milk in it.

Yeah, and they look... I mean... Yeah, all right. I mean, I'm furious. Yeah, that's crazy. Look how they stack, Nate. What a feature. Yeah, I like that. I might be back. Like it's a yin-yang. All right, I might be back on. Yeah. Look, I'm not against this idea. Their ads are... That's ridiculous. So...

Derek Visor, spells it D-R-E-K, the correct way. That's my brother. We spell it like that. When we were kids, my family relocated to Pittsburgh. My brother Dean thought this would be a good time to start going by the name Scott.

Since he'd always wanted that name, purely by coincidence, our new neighbor saw a TV commercial about missing kids and thought one of them looked exactly like Dean. Since he was telling everyone his name was Scott, this confirmed their theory.

Within a few days, my mom got a visit from two FBI agents who demanded to see Dean's birth certificate and baby pictures. Thank goodness she believed the badges looked legit and put away the gun she had carried to the door before opening it. Otherwise, our childhood would have been a lot different. That's a different childhood. That could go two ways. Yeah. Wow.

I just like a mother that would carry a gun to the door. Yeah. Thanks for talking while I took a drink. You got it.

I know. I was waiting for someone to do it. I got your back. The guy that's on the podcast every week bailed. I wanted to see Justin. Yeah. I got it. When you started drinking, I kind of go. Yeah, go ahead. I didn't realize you were taking a drink. I was just like, I was going to hop in on the gun thing. Because I like a protective mama. I do. I like it. I like it. She's like, this looks real.

We talked about Justin. If you could just pick another name, would you stick with Justin? You pretty happy with what you're doing? I mean, I would find a better showbiz name, that's for sure. Really? That just sounds like a guy that's going to do your taxes. I mean, not even good taxes, like an H&R Block guy. That's who I use. I think you're giving that name a little more status.

Justin Smith, I don't think, is a tax guy. I don't think accountant. I don't think accountant. It just feels like somebody started a new life. Yeah. And that's what they started with. Yeah, it sounds like a guy that would have kidnapped a kid that used to be called Dean, now named Scott. Yeah. And you have a little problem with the FBI. And then he's got to go relocate. But what job do you give him? Yeah. An accountant. That's what I'm saying. No. Yeah, that's true. I just got it.

That's what I said. You were like, no way. And I was like, yep. I would believe in that. I need that backstory. It's not just a tax guy. I think Justin Smith has a backstory of that. He's been relocated. When you put me in charge of backstories, things get a little hairy. Victor Lowrymore. Lowrymore. Lowryder. I wonder if that's what they just call him. Victor Lowryder. And they go, that's fine.

Because you get your low, and you're like, well, that's where I'm going to finish with. And he goes, well, it's from Moore. And you go, I'll do lowrider, Victor Lowrider. I hope he's huge or something. It's like, not even. Well, he's like, I'm pretty tall. You're like, eh. Several years ago, I decided that if I was asked for my name in a restaurant, I was going to use a something. What is that? Pseudonym. Pseudonym. Oh, that's the fake name. Pseudonym.

Not long after I've made that decision, I was in the Atlanta airport and I decided to try it out. I stopped at a Chick-fil-A and when I asked for my name, I said, Jack. Soon the girl who took my order stepped up to the counter with a bag of food and drink and said, Jack. All of us looked around expecting Jack to step up and get his order. He did not. Again, and a little more loudly, she said, Jack. All of us looked around again wondering what happened to Jack.

Finally, while looking directly at me, she shouted, Jack. And then I remembered, that's me. As I slipped up to the counter, I was sure the girl who took my order and the others waiting for the orders were wondering, what is wrong with this idiot? I took my food and with a half smile said to the girl, sorry, jet lag. She said with some anger in her voice, I called your name three times. I ducked away as fast as I could and didn't look back. That's very funny. Yeah.

Use a fake name. You got to stick to it. You got to have the backstory. That's what makes me not use a fake name because I don't feel I have the confidence for it. I think some people can do that and they like it. I'm not. I feel...

It was not like, because I think they might know me before anybody would ever. I never would feel comfortable. Yeah. To be like, I'm building. And then be like, and just have people call me. Like, I don't like it. I'd be like, ah, that feels weird. What if it was your middle name? You might respond to that reflexively without even thinking about it. Lee? Yeah. If you heard Lee. Lee. That might make you, you'd turn around. I don't know. I don't think I would. Interesting. I don't think I would turn around Lee. No one says Lee. Yeah? No one. I don't think I'd turn around for my middle name either.

What's your middle name? We don't got to get into it. Okay. All right. That's fine. Yeah. Is it? That's Carl. Carl. Justin Carl Smith. Yeah. It does. That's why. That's why right there. Justin Carl Smith. We get to say lead when nobody blinks an eye. All of a sudden you throw Carl in there.

there Carl and Lee hang out together yeah Carl Lee together sounds like one guy's name that's like when you got in show business like you're like I don't know how like Justin you go what do your middle name dude you go with what is that you go it's Carl go Justin's process sounds pretty good how do you feel like oh just doing the road a lot

What do you set your sights on? I wouldn't set it on Hollywood, but I would set it on just a strong road schedule. Justin Carl Smith. Sounds like a guy that needs to mediocrely play the guitar. Right when you walk in, how you doing? I'm Justin Carl Smith. All right, where's your stuff? We'll go ahead and plug it in. They just ask. How many sound cues you got? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Justin Carl Smith does sound like a comic that's going to just have. He's like, so you come in a day early like normal and you go, what? He goes, you're Justin Carl Smith, right? You do the guitar stuff. That's great. Matthew Tanner. I'd like to hear if Nate ever considered trying out for SNL. I know a lot of times SNL comes to check out comedians in New York, but I have never heard Nate speak on that. No, I had no idea.

If I would have ever thought to try out, maybe I could have wrote a package or packet to try to be a writer on it. Would have been the only thing. No one ever approached me about doing it. The Daily Show was the only thing. I saw your name on a few, like those buzz lists about people that they would like to see on it. I saw that. Yeah, that's like someone. But I mean, I remember for a couple years seeing it because I messaged them to you.

but it was like i remember seeing you on lists and stuff yeah that i would be on it that people that like people that i knew that wrote different things like you were i feel like you were always in the conversation whether you it was real or not yeah yeah i think there's yeah that was none of it was real but it was it was cool to see i remember doing it like people saying it so it's okay the first time you go on you'll host it that's fine yeah that'd be cool yeah yeah uh

James Elam. One time I was seeing Nate at the Arlington Draft House in Virginia. While I was looking for parking before the show, I found a spot with an old mattress in it. Me and my friends thought no one would take the space because they didn't want to touch the mattress, so we got out and moved it and took the space. Walking out of the parking lot and to the front door of the venue, I then saw a car with Nate, and the host pulled into the packed parking lot going towards the space we took and realized we just took their spot. Sorry about that, Nate.

You know, this sounds somewhat... Wait. This sounds maybe somewhat familiar. I think it does sound familiar. Do they not have a cone in the Sparkin' one? Yeah. You'd think they would have a cone. I think a cone would be better. Than an old mattress? Yeah, I'd say. Arlington Draft House is a great club. Great club. I'm headlining there in August. Oh, yeah? That's great, dude. Yeah, first time. It was...

I never remember anything. But from my memory, one of the first clubs I sold out the weekend. Oh, yeah? If not the first, but at least one of the first. Arlington Dress House is a great, great club. And they take a lot of comics, and you get to kind of grow there and stuff. And DC Improv is great, too. I know I'm talking about both. They're competitors in a sense. DC Improv is a legendary club, and it's crazy. Ceilings are very low. It's like you just murder it.

But Arlington is Arlington's awesome. And it's a lot of comics. Sometimes it's your it's the very beginning. They're very cool. Like looking out for new comics and you get a headline there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pumped. Yeah, it's awesome. It's great. Nicholas Butcher, Nicole's butcher. I saw Nate in Charleston, South Carolina. The batteries on the mic died during the show. One thing. Once things got working again, Brian Brian delivered a new mic.

Nate started talking about doing comedy for soldiers on USO tour with no mic. I've never heard him tell that story since. I was wondering what it was like going into war zone and doing comedy. Uh, Nicole's butcher, uh, trying to, I'm trying to like picture that show. That's so, I do so many shows. It's so funny that the mic goes out and you're like, you would think something that big. You'd be like, you don't remember that. You're like, I don't know. A lot of mics have gone out. Uh, but I do, uh,

Yeah, so I did... When I did the shows with no mic in the USO, I've never told this on you. So we did... It was crazy. The USO tours were amazing. It's always one of the highlights of my career. I think if I would have fell into comedy, I would have probably went to the military. And I like that camaraderie. I like everything about it. And so...

That's why it was so great to go get him to perform over there because it was like I always felt like I, for some reason, was like pulled in that direction. Yeah. And then I thought, well, this is why, you know, I'm getting to go this way. And so we did stuff with this guy, Scott Kennedy, who passed away. He's great. He's great. And he did – I did it with – my first time over was with Dustin Chafin. He got us – went to Bahrain and Djibouti and Kuwait, I think.

And then so I went with Dustin Chafin first and then started going with this guy, Scott Kennedy. And then Scott would go there like once a month. It was crazy. He'd go two weeks, then come home for two weeks and go back two weeks. I mean, every month. And so when we did those with him, he would really target the FOBs, the forward operating bases. They were just small bases that were just in the middle of like cities.

in Iraq. And so it's like, you would go, sometimes you see those USO tours, like it's still awesome. They go do it. But a lot of times they're going to, they go to Kuwait to the big place. And it's like, you know, it's guys coming or going. It's a reason that they're there, but it's like, Scott would really, we'd go to your base. And when we drove through Baghdad, uh,

do the streets of Baghdad like in a convoy. I think they got in trouble for it because they were like, yeah, y'all should have never done that. And when you drive and they have to look at like everything they see. I mean, dude, they drive. It's crazy. They just drive on the side of the road like,

You know, it's like, it's almost like there's no cars and you're just driving through the city. We went to that, the Saddam thing where the swords, I don't know if that's Saddam. The statue? Yeah. The statue thing? No, not the statues of Saddam. What's the gold swords in Baghdad? The welcome to Baghdad sign? Yeah. I guess it's like their airport sign. So maybe it's not Saddam's sign. The victory arch? Yeah. Maybe look at the victory arch. Yeah. No, that's right. The victory arch. Oh, that's crazy. Oh, that's actually four...

Is that because they won victory over Saddam? So, I don't know. That doesn't feel very positive walking into it. I got a picture right under it. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the picture's somewhere, but it was a little, it was a fat bloated Nate that he stood under there. And he had finished in 89.

Oh, dedicated to fallen Iraqi soldiers. So yeah, I took a picture there and then stayed in Saddam's palace. It was crazy to go. We walked around that. You'd see where Saddam's kids, where his sons had a palace. I mean, it's like pulling into a neighborhood.

Like, kind of. And you're like, oh, like, you know, you take a right, left, right. And that's where his sons lived, like, in a cul-de-sac, basically, kind of together. You know, and Saddam had the big thing. And Saddam would do what I remember. Like, you could see where they hit, because they hit, like, his sons, like, when they first...

They hit like a son's palace. And so you could see it. I stayed at that. I hit golf balls in that water. Oh, man. Yeah. And they. So you would stay when you go in there and stay. There's a famous picture with Saddam got or Saddam was interviewed by Barbara Walters. And I said no seats.

Saddam was there. And... He did not like my question. He didn't. Yeah. I was like, he was pretty cool about everything. So he painted everything. Everything's really gold, but it's all gold painted. And the idea of it was, it looks very rich from everybody outside. But it was like, I mean, he would have, he had 30 of these palaces. Oh.

And he made them run as if he was at every one of them. So every palace ran as if he was there. So then that way, if someone tried to kill him, you couldn't tell. You were like, it's not like the mailbox is full or like it'd be smoke and the chimney comes out. Well, he's eating breakfast. He's eating. And they did it. So everybody just ran. You ran it like as if Saddam. So you would make plates. That way no one could know where he was at. Wow.

Yeah. And then, uh, you sleep on one of the beds. You slept in a, I slept on a bunk in a room. And, uh, but I mean, I think a lot, I mean, a lot of people have obviously stayed in that room. Uh, and then, so we, there we went and drove to all these small bases and I'm driving down the streets and these guys are having to look at like every, you see a shopping bag and you're like, what's that? Like that stuff could be all IEDs. And then we went to, uh, we did Blackhawks too. Uh,

uh blackhawks were crazy i remember just flying i've talked about like you're fine we went to kirkuk and we were flying over uh iraq and you're just it's at night and it's just dark yeah it's just nothing but dark like there's no you know it's like you fly over america you're like there's always little lights you see cities and cities and it's dark you think oh it's farmland yeah you don't realize there's a whole city underneath your feet

Yeah. Well, I don't think, well, it could be, I guess, but I'm saying, I don't think, I think there was just nothing. I thought you were talking about flying over the city and it was all dark. No, no. I mean, like you just, like, as you're going to recruit, you're just flying over parts where you're, it'd be like flying over probably parts of Alaska where you're like, there's nothing here, dude. Like if you're, and it felt like that, where you're like, I don't, we're, who knows where we're at? Like, you know, but I saw Abraham's house.

This right before he went to Egypt, before he moved to Egypt. He gets more. Abraham. Abraham. It goes, I've been to that house. And I don't think it was like before he moved to Egypt. It was very, how do they...

Yeah, he lived there for a while. Then he moved out. Is this like Father Abraham's son? This is where you went right here? I went there. But his house, they found his house next to it. And you could see it over next to it. I think it's over there. They undid it. But the floors, they redid the walls. You could look at another. I don't think zoom in. All right, there you go.

I mean, I don't know how you're looking. You just thought, right here, I'll just zoom in more. And you're like, all right, dude. Go to that one, the middle left. Right here? Yeah, that's the whole thing. That wasn't, yeah. So that's the birthplace of Abraham. And then, so I walked in all this. And so the walls were built for the layout of it, but the floor is all the floor he would have walked on. And so he went to Egypt, right? Yeah.

I wish I knew more about that story. Yeah. Oh, great. I was trusting you. I was trusting you the whole time. You thinking of Moses? Yeah. Oh, I think he did say, you know, I think he had to get out. I think he turned 18, left his parents' house, and, you know.

He turned some Metallica on and drove off to... I mean, look, there's cars there. So he took one of those. So we walked around the floors of that. And it was crazy because the Pope was going to go there and bless it. But Saddam, it was all set up and he's going to go and then Saddam said no.

and never got to do it. And so when you go, you give the guy that runs it, all the soldiers give that dude money to kind of like keep, because there's one guy that kind of keeps it up. And like, you know, and you're in a place that they don't care that it's, the whole,

country is just where abraham walked like it's like yeah but yeah it's but you always like think about it maybe that's it now maybe there's oh they actually you can't if that's it you know what's crazy if they have that now where you got to walk around it on the wood i walked on it if that's like that's what's so crazy now they'd be like oh you can't walk it's all fenced off now man i mean i could also i remember thinking i go this was anywhere else i wouldn't be able to get

Within 10 feet of it. Yeah. And this time, the guy was like, yeah, yeah, come on. And we just walked. We just were hopping off on the floor up and down. Like we lived there. And I was just like, God, this is so crazy that we get to walk on this. Yeah. I also can see you being the guy that like you go and you're walking around and

So a bunch of guards come up and like, hey, what are you doing? You can't do this. You're like, no, no, no. The guy said it was okay. And they go, what guy? Yeah. You go, yeah, the guy I gave money to. And you go, oh, no. He's gone. He goes, yeah. He goes, this is where we park trailers here. I go, oh. It's not. Oh, I thought Abraham lived here. It says bus parking in English. Yeah. Why would Abraham live here? He's in Egypt. He says. What are you talking about, dude? Abraham went straight to Egypt.

I think he was born right outside Egypt. Town, suburb. Born in the suburb of Egypt. The suburbs of Egypt. Yeah. I go, what are you? Are you serious, dude? Learn something new every day. All right. Who knew?

But anyway, long story, that USO tour. The USO one with no mic is we went to some soldiers. I want to say they were SEALs or something, or Rangers. And we went to their base. We had to call in for them at 8 in the morning, right when they got back from a mission. And there was no microphone. And I stood in front of a – and it was like we landed in a helicopter, got out, did it, and basically going back.

They just go back. We were like, we don't need to do this mission. Like they've been out all night. Yeah. And so you're like, we don't. You also got to hope that mission went good. Yeah. Yeah. And then they go, uh, we, I go, we don't need to do comedy. They go, no, no, you came all the way here. They're going to watch it. And you're like, oh, and then, so we stand in a chow hall, like, and we're doing no microphone. And there's a buffet behind me. I remember when I was up there, one guy just went to the buffet. And I mean, he's like, I have to move at one point in the middle of joke. I'm like,

You know, I'm doing like whatever my old, like, I don't, Bahrain joker. You know, there's snakes in Honduras. And I'm like, oh, sorry. And then, so two snakes go, he like, and he just walked by and got his food and left. And it was, they were all great. It was, you know, it was a weird, I mean, they didn't come back to expect to see you.

comedy show a comedy show at 8 a.m and then and it's like i don't know dude can i just go lay in my bed and they're like no you gotta do it go watch them i did your thing i remember you talking about how good it feels to do an early set i did an early corporate yeah last weekend and i it was awesome awesome i had a set later that night but i was like dude i already i already did i feel great dude you already worked i feel like you snuck one in right

Yeah. Everybody else didn't work. You go, I'm already... Yeah, like, what have y'all been doing? I'm already 1D. I already did a set, dude. It's clocking hours, and you got... It's an hour that no one else got. Mm-hmm. It's the best feeling ever. Tom Sites. Do you have a contracted timeline with Netflix for the next taping, or do you let them know when you are ready? How do you know when the material is complete? When the booze stop. And...

That would be a funny way. Eventually they stop. Yeah. No. I could tape one now. I'm glad that I'm not. I'm glad that I'm getting to fix everything, but we're ready.

There's plans. I don't know what, there's nothing concrete, nothing I can announce, nothing I can could say, but the, the idea I ha I know what I want to do and where we want to do it. So, uh, but we haven't, yeah, it would just be you. Yeah. You like for a comic, you just talk, you can't talk to him. You got to go talk to Netflix first. Cause I did one last with them or that's what I do. And then, uh, you know, and we see where it goes from there and then hopefully it's on Netflix again.

I would like it to be. And so we would do another one and then, you know, but yeah, I mean, it's all different. Weirdly, it changes every year because I think you're just whatever you get, you know, the beginning, you're like, thanks for letting me. And I'm still, I'm always going to be, thanks for letting me even do this. But it's like the way it goes, like it is weird now to kind of be like,

We're like, well, we want to tape it here. So then it's like, so let us know if y'all want to do it. You know, it's crazy to... But now it's mutually beneficial. Yeah. You're both at a point where you're like, hey, we're both like... I mean, early on they took a chance on you, obviously. But now it's the... I tell them. I'm the Netflix of comedy. Yeah. And...

That's how you open the meeting? Listen, I'm the Netflix comedy. How you doing? Neighbor gets you the Netflix comedy. Welcome to this meeting. And they're like, well, we invited you. Yeah. Maybe you didn't. That's what the old comedy was. How do you know when the material's ready? You remember that line from comedian Colin Quinn says, when you're killing and you're miserable? Yeah. That is a great. Big deal. I mean, people laugh. Wow. I didn't remember that. Yeah, that is a funny line.

I could see it. It's yeah, it is. It's like that. That's a, it's put, he put it the best way. Conquering is so great. And, uh, but it is, it's like, you can get to a point where you're not in the joke.

And cause you've just told it so much and you can tell, like, I'm getting tired of telling it. And it's so bulletproof that you don't even need to be in it. You don't need to be in it. Yeah. And you got to remind yourself to be like that. I've worked on that a lot to be present. You know, sometimes you can go up there and you can have just like, I don't know, a lot of stuff going on or something happens. And then I, when you walk on stage, it's like, hello. But then you're in your head, you're like, wow,

Like, why are we going tomorrow? Why are we leaving at two? I don't know. You know, just something that bugs you. And then you're... But I've gotten a lot better. Like, I would have to... I mean, that happens a lot. I think people would be shocked how many times comedians can be up there and their mind can be just... You're on autopilot. You're just... You're there in just another world. And you're... And it's not... You don't do it out of disrespect. It's just your mind is crazy. And you're like...

You know, I mean, everybody knows what that means when you're talking. Anybody talking in public would know, like, you could, if you talk to anybody, you could be like, dude, I'm not, I'm talking and I'm not even paying attention. And so I have to, I do a lot of, like, I remind myself of it a lot. And so when I'm up, so I've gotten a lot better over the past year of just, I can pull myself back. I can go, hey, you got to be telling the joke. And it's actually helped me like the jokes more.

Because then you really look at it as like I'm talking to this audience for the first time. They have not seen this. Yeah. So I want to show them how funny this is or whatever you want to go do. But it's about them in that room at that moment. Yeah. And so you just go and you just make yourself just keep coming back and go, this is not about you. Who cares about you? Do your dumb act. Yeah.

and pull your head back into it. It's not fair to be thinking you can just, you know, I think it's a slippery slope if you lose it. And it gets hard because like I had one show on a long run. I just, I was doing it for a couple weeks and you could just feel like, yeah, I mean, it felt like the whole show I was having to like just keep my mind just would start walking off and I had to jerk it back. And it like, sometimes you like do it once.

Twice maybe. And then sometimes it's like 15 times. And you're like, I'm just very, I'm worn out. And I need a kind of a break. And then I was off a week after that. So then I'm back to normal. I feel like sometimes even just putting in something new or trying to find like a new line or like, I'm going to flip-flop these things or whatever.

Or a lot of times a good crowd will pull you out of that too. Yeah. Or you walk out and you just, the volume or the way that you can feel their energy. Like I, and it doesn't necessarily mean that it's bigger or louder even. Yeah. I've had, I've had shows like the show the other night,

where it was like, it wasn't the biggest crowd and everything like that, but it was like, they were so happy for you to be there. You could feel like the warmthness. Yeah. And it pulls you back from being on the island. You feel the appreciation. Oh, 100%. And you go, I need to give that back to them because if you don't, they can tell and they will stop showing up.

And rightfully so. They can just go, you know. Or you get a courtesy. They're showing up, you know, just because it's like, well, I might as well go see him before he dies. That's what happens when you're old. Listen, you don't have to talk about me. I'm right here. There you go. You got to get there early. Wow. Trying to see the middle act before he dies. That's basically what he just said. Man, that floor creaks more and more every year he comes out. Pretty soon it's going to be, we have to reinforce it or...

He's going to be like Ollie Joe Prater. We just pull a sheet out. That's the greatest thing ever. One time we're going to come out, there's going to be a fedora on a mic stand with a light on it. In memoriam. This is my man right here. All right. Brandon Alderton. Recently, my dad has made the Seinfeld reference, Ukraine is not weak.

And I was told it was too soon. I don't think it was, but how do you as comedians toe the line of funny observations and sound like a heartless monster? Toe the line of funny observations. Oh, how do you toe the line? I was reading that wrong. How do you toe the line of funny observations and sounding like a heartless monster?

The person saying too soon, I'm not on board with. That's where... I don't even care what the joke is, but if someone goes too soon, you're like, well, then you should not. You should just never tell that person a joke. Yeah, that's for sure. They're that serious about everything. I'd imagine in Ukraine, there's some jokes going around. Right. I'd imagine that guy's dad does not hate Ukraine. I would imagine like...

there's, you know, it's whatever he did a Seinfeld reference, which makes sense, you know, and, you know, and he's saying Ukraine is not weak. Like that's not a bad. Also their leader is a comedian. Yeah. That's true. Also that. Yeah. I forgot about that. I saw some picture went viral of them, a standup show in the, like the bomb shelters of Ukraine. That was pretty cool. That was very cool. And then, yeah, they did Ukraine. So it's like,

So like your dad's making a, he's just making a Seinfeld reference. So yeah, that would, but anybody that says too soon, I'm not on board with like that. Cause it's, it's that person should, even if I thought, I mean, this is me saying what I think.

about, you know, which is my whole life is about observation. But I would never, I would not say too soon. I just wouldn't say anything. I would walk away. Or you'd be like, oh yeah. And then you move on. Why do I need to say, why, what does the too soon help?

Does it need to... It feels weird to... I mean, even though I'm berating this person for saying too soon. But everybody knows that feeling of just like when someone goes, it's too soon, man. And you're like, all right, dude. What do you want to do? I'm doing a Seinfeld reference. I mean, it's not like they're saying that it's bad. It's saying how they're strong people. And I don't even understand the idea of being like, oh, like...

Like, I think it's on an individual basis. Yeah. So I feel like it's like, why are you assuming that we're all on board with where you are? I would, yeah. That took a lot to get out. Yeah. If his dad, Ukraine is not weak, just go. I would have said that and they go too soon. And then his dad should have said, well, I'm for Russia, so I don't know what he said. That's what I would have said. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what the big deal is, dude. I'm like way on board with Russia. We're winning. We're winning. Yeah. We're winning. He goes, what do you mean, we're? He goes, I'm team Russia. Yeah. He go, oh. Yeah, I would... Your dad... I would just be like, yeah, don't make jokes around that person. Like, you know, just because it's like, all right, well, they're not fun. No more fun for you. Yeah, no more fun for you. You know, it's like rifles don't... They don't... You know, it's like if they say too soon, you're like, then it is what it is. What I'd love to hear the other side of that, they go, no, no, no. He...

He has Russia flags everywhere. Oh, you got a Putin mask on. You're like, well, we didn't get all the, okay. And you go, yeah, that's why they said too soon.

David Eklund. After liberating Rome during World War II, the Pope gave some of the American soldiers an audience. My grandpa, who was a Methodist from Iowa, went along with some Catholic friends. The Pope came along a row and stuck out his hand. My grandpa was first in line and didn't know the drill, so he shook the Pope's hand. The Pope shook it back.

Grandpa didn't realize he had messed up until the Pope continued on and all his buddies kissed his ring. Decades later, my grandpa could laugh about it, but about it was still embarrassed. He always said that the Pope was the only person who ever thanked him for going to war. That's so funny.

I don't understand what he was... So he shook his hand and he wasn't supposed to? So I guess there's a ritual that I didn't know about where if the Pope does a public... He has a ring and you'd kiss his ring. And this Methodist guy just walked up and goes, Hey, put her there. Just shook his hand. How you doing? I mean, the Iowa thing makes sense now. He goes, take his hat off. He goes, Steve Johnson, how you doing? The Pope's got... He's into that golf cart and he's like...

It hurts his arm because it's like, oh. He goes, all right. And then he just turns his hand back this way. And the next person, they kiss his ring. He's like, why no? Why would you? Who would think? I mean, yeah, he's from America. It would have been weird to assume that. I mean, it's really awkward when you misunderstand something like that. That happened to me. I was at a club.

And I was, there was a show going on and a server at the club came up to me and she had like a basket of those chicken fingers and french fries. And she came up to me and she had her mask on and she was like, she pointed to me and I go, I guess I'm hungry. And so I grabbed a chicken finger and I dipped it in the sauce and I ate it. She's offering me. I was like, sure. Sure.

And then, but she said something. I didn't really understand what she said. And the way she looked at me, I go, something's not right. And I go, what did you say? And she goes, do you want some fries? Yeah.

Like she, like she couldn't eat the French fries. So she was offering me fries. She can only eat the chicken nuggets. And I took the one third of her meal. I took it and just right in her face and left her and said no to the French fries. It's just handing out hors d'oeuvres. Oh yeah. Well, she was still offering something that's, you know, it's a little bit on her. Buffalo helium is amazing. Is that where it was? Yeah. Buffalo helium is great. Uh,

But yeah, it's a mix of, I don't feel like you can just, you know. I mean, I felt, I was like, oh man, this is so, I can't be, you know.

And of course I had to be there. It wasn't like I was like a small, like this is like the things like, oh, this happens to me all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like I can't wait. Well, just, I mean, I think it's then, you know, you made it known. Don't go point food at Justin unless you, unless it's open game. Unless you're ready to lose it all. Is it open season? Unless you're ready to lose it all. How would you know?

I thought she was going to tell you, like, I'm trying to get by. Exactly. Yeah, this is somebody's customer. Yeah, and she's like, I need to go that way. And you go, which would be very funny. She's like, hey, can I, I just kind of try to squeeze by real fast. And you just eat these people's, like there's a toll to get around you. And you go. Justin Smith toll. He stands in the front of the kitchen. Yeah.

Whenever they order, you're like, I'd order a little extra of it. And they go, why? We have to pay this toll to get by Justin. He gets a handful of every plate. Yeah, he gets a handful of everything. He tries a little bit of every, you get nachos and you're like, what happened to this side? That's a toll. On the menu. And you got them early and you ain't eating, so. Yeah.

When he goes on stage, the door's locked. Yeah. I would come to the late show. At least he's grazed for a while. He's a little less aggressive? Yeah, it's a little. First show, I mean, you might as well order two plates. He lets a few more greens go. He's grazed. Oh, that's great. Steven Nupp.

Took my dad to see Nate in San Antonio. Safe to say Nate has a new fan. Haven't heard my dad laugh that hard in years. Mom asked when we got home, how was it? My dad said it was the funniest time out I've had in years. My mom replied our 40th anniversary party was three weeks. Funnest time out I've had in years. My mom replied our 40th anniversary party was three weeks ago. My dad replied, so you want me to start lying to you now?

Nate also lost a fan, so net zero. That's great. Just break it even. Yeah. One asked, can we get an episode with Nate's sister? I love this from Miriam Gregorgio. We've had Miriam. Miriam Gregory. Miriam Gregory. Yeah. Can we get an episode with Nate's sister? I would love to hear her side of the stories. Thanks for all the laughs. That's never going to happen. So...

I think I want to do – we're going to do one. I want to do one. I'll get my Abigail and my brother Derek on. That would be fun. You can get your 23-year-old son on too. Yes. Yeah. Talk to him about stuff. By the way, you guys are doing great. So with that, Pete.

Just last night he said it. Oh, it's so much fun. It's so much fun to watch. Yeah, last night we were recording this early. I mean, recorded it earlier than when you will see this. But we were in Augusta, Georgia last night. And he goes, dude, these people were like so excited. He goes, I had like, I mean, five or six people that were like, are you his son? Are you his son? And so just keep it up, you know? Yeah. And sometimes if Chase is not out,

at the merch table, it's because they have the building sell it. So sometimes he's not selling it. So if you don't see him, that's why. But he's around. But he's around. But I mean, you don't have to, you know, but you get a heads up. If you don't see him, that's kind of why. Sometimes he walks back there and you might see him. But a lot of times he is selling the merch and then you feel free to ask him.

Maybe that's a new merch idea. Yeah. I saw it. I don't think he would tell us either. Like, I mean, he told us because he randomly will bring it up. I think he kind of just think like, you know, so I hope like. It's so good. I think it'll be a long time before he goes. Yeah, dude, a lot of people are saying that. Yeah. You know.

I saw a comment on Reddit that said, can somebody post a picture of Nate's 23-year-old son? And somebody who didn't listen to the podcast was like, nah, dude, we should respect his privacy. They're like, don't do this. You don't need to do this to Nate's kid. Yeah, guys, don't. It's crossing the line, guys. You guys, you crossed the line. My wife doesn't even know about him, so too far. So this week, we are talking about

What? Books. Books. So far we've come. If you'd asked me a year ago that we'd be doing a books episode, I would have thought it would have taken a little longer. This is definitely the facial hair crew for this particular topic. I don't even know. I don't even know where this is going to go. Do you remember the last book you read? Let's cover to cover. Lone Survivor. Okay. Probably. When was that? Like right when that book came out.

when does that book came out it's been a minute yeah yeah yeah uh the movie came out like 10 years ago yeah i would say yeah we have no internet in here right now i mean this is the best i would say lone survivor i'm gonna say maybe it was the books episode we don't use the internet yeah try not to yeah i would do that's what's killing books is the internet i know yeah i would do lone yeah i think it was lone survivor

My dad always wanted me to read The Hobbit, and he would always give it to me, and I never read it. And I was thinking, this is great, and I was like, I don't want to get in. My dad and brother are really into Harry Potter or The Hobbit. They like all that kind of stuff. Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings, all that stuff. And I just don't like that stuff, so I was like, I never read it. I started reading it once, and then I was like, I don't know.

Come out, dude. I feel like Harry Potter's the exception, but I understand. I never got into Lord of the Rings, any of that stuff. I want to read a lot more. I do. I actually got a book on the Scribd. Now I can't think of the name of it. It's this mystery book, and it's this crazy thing, and I try to, but I have a hard time focusing. It's tough, man. Yeah. I can't even make it to a page.

And it's like I get done with a paragraph, and I go, I don't even know what that paragraph was about. I feel like I used to be able to read books. Yeah. Like I used to be able to like – That was a bad place to pause. I used to be able to read books. Yeah. You know, he gave me – for my birthday, he gave me the Phil Knight book. Shoe Dog. Shoe Dog. Oh, yeah. And so I was excited to read that, and it's like I'm going to try it. Like I got it in my backpack. I'm like, all right, let's read this. But it's –

I don't know, man. I feel like biographies are... It's easier for me to read biographies because I feel it's easier to jump into the story and they start so much quicker as opposed to like... Somebody has to set up a whole world

And instead of a biography, it's like, it's the world that we live in now. Or something like Lord of the Rings, they have to introduce a whole new vocabulary, places, things. I mean, you know how many words I butchered in Harry Potter? Oh my gosh. When I went to see the movie, I was like, oh, so that's how you say Hermione? Yeah. Is that how? Yeah. Because that's what wasn't bouncing around. No.

Yeah, I would, I've read like, you know, I read Jordan's, I swear, I used to be able to read books. And honestly, it might, maybe it's like the way the life is now with the internet, social media, and all this stuff that you're just, you have no attention for anything that's long. But yeah, I mean, I'll be honest, I don't know if I could even read a book right now. Like, I don't think I would register. I could, it's like, I could do it. Like, but I don't, you know, it's like, if you ask me to run a marathon, you're like,

I mean, I can. Yeah, in theory. In theory, it's going to take me a few months, a year. Yeah. You know, I'll probably put it away. Just live in some random house for six years. And then I'll get back out and go do it again. But it's, yeah, I don't know if I could. It's, I mean, can you get, like, I don't even pay attention. I do audio books is what I do. I don't, I know. I have trouble listening to them.

Well, it's also because there's books that have – readers can be bad. Yeah. That's the other part too is you'll have a book that could be an amazing book, but if the person reading it is not performing well, then it's not good. Like some of the best audiobooks are because the guy reading them or lady –

you know, is performing them at a high caliber. Yeah, you got to say, ladies, they're allowed to read books now. Yeah, they are. Yeah. I mean, that's, that was disrespectful. Maybe in your early days when only women, only men could read and read stuff. But yeah, dude, that's disrespectful. Women are allowed. Maybe they've been allowed to read, you know, 90s, early 90s. Yeah.

At least 85. At least, right before Jordan got on his run. Right, right. I remember specifically Jordan getting on his run and hearing a lot more women talk about it. I go, how do y'all even know this is happening? You read the papers. Yeah. I go, you what? We read it. Yeah, that's my thing with movies. That's why I think I'm watching these old movies or something. It's like...

And I just think it's like I'm so busy or something and your mind's just always going that I just can't even focus to try.

I got a few things that I can kind of focus on, and the rest is – and we're down. We're getting narrowed down. Yeah. Yeah, it's not much. There's a small – I used to be able to do all this, and now you're like, I can only focus on – I got this tiny little – You're doing really well in that spot, though. I'm doing great. Yeah. There's not a lot of new coming in.

But there's just a lot of specific me that's coming in. Yeah, yeah. Not a ton of new. Not a big net. You don't need all that. I don't need all that. Right there. Right there. Maybe just... Instead of like... Because also the books you're talking about are really big. Yeah, but I'm a normal American that should be able to get through a book. Don't you shouldn't be like... I don't know if it's American. It doesn't matter. I'm a normal human. I'm just a... It's like I'm not...

I don't know what to... Maybe I'm not normal. Maybe something's wrong with my brain, but it's great. I don't see how... How can you not get there? Y'all don't have any trouble? Do you remember it? I mean, I do audiobooks. That's how I do it. You can read a book? I think I have trouble with magazines. I couldn't read a...

An article. I mean, I try to read an article and it's big. You're like, come on. There's no... Get to it. Well, I don't even know. I don't even... I wouldn't even know. Like, I would just bail on it and then be like, I can't... I can take in new information.

I think I like talking about it and I like hearing about it from someone. Like if I hear it and I trust that person, I'm like, I like hearing this person tell me this kind of thing. There's some things that I can, but it's very specific. So maybe that's a new, just as older you get, you go, I'm not distracted by as much noise. I see what is noise and what is not noise. And I can just focus on the not noise and the rest of it. I'm like, where am I going to go with that? Yeah. I do know it takes me longer to read things. Cause I got to like, I'll be with,

hanging out with my girl and she's like, read this article. And then I can, she'd hand it to me and I start reading and I could tell that she's like, being like, man, did not take me this long. I could feel her nervous energy. And now I'm like, oh, nah, I'm taking way too long. That's the worst when two people are reading the same thing at once and you have to adjust to their speed and you're like, let's just, you know. They're done, they're doing something else. You held that phone up pretty early in that story. Yeah.

I mean, there was a good five seconds of, I don't know. He goes to my girlfriend, like the other day I was like, I was doing this, like she'll do, she'll show me an article and you're like, oh, okay.

I mean, I was like, I don't know what's happening with this. It took a long time to get to that. He goes, so my girlfriend will, you know, like sometimes we hang out at night and so she'll be sitting there and I'm like, what are you doing? And she goes, well, I was thinking the other day, did you read this article? Was there no phone there? That's his note. He goes, she goes, we read this article in the newspaper and you're like, well, what was that? He goes, what? He doesn't even know he's doing it. He's not even aware. He just...

Justin, you talk about not knowing what you do with your hands in a picture. Your hands are just going in every story. You're like, it was at the grocery store. And I was sitting there reading, you know, on one of the magazines and the people magazine. I turn it over and you're like, what was that about? You know, he goes, I don't know. I don't know how to not do that. Top.

Four. Top selling books of all time. You know what they are? First one's probably easy. Bible's not even close. Second book, I would be very surprised if you get. Old Man and the Sea. No. Koran. Koran's number three. Okay. So number two, is it a real book or is it like a religious book? It's not a religious book, but it's not like a novel. Dictionary. Yeah. Yeah.

These are not bad guesses. You're laughing, but these are not bad guesses. I don't know why that made me laugh. It is a collection of quotations from Chairman Mao. Well, how would I ever know that? That's what I'm saying. It was 1.1 billion copies. Wow.

Who is chairman? He's a leader of the Communist Revolution in China in 1949 and chairman of the Chinese Communist Party of China. Some people had to read it. I was going to say the government probably bought all this. It's a very loose, like, because I'm never into reading books. You're like, I mean, all right. We weren't into it. I've been to so many libraries. And let me tell you something. He passed the book out better than anybody.

I've never been to a library where we're like, oh, yeah, this is my first edition of the letters. And the book is just quotes of him? Just, yeah. Contains 427 quotes on 33 different topics. I would probably be, I could probably, I'd probably get through that book because it's been how long his quotes are. Yeah, just little bite-sized pieces. But it's like, sun doesn't shine on the other side. Like, it's like that. Yeah, I don't know. It's like...

They're like, I'm just thinking of a quote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, okay, all right. It doesn't. It's on this side, so it never shines on the other side. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Yeah. Stuff like that. Yeah, his are all just very, you know. He just starts quoting Goodfellas. They're just like bumper stickers. They're bumper stickers that he, be happy. You go, okay. Yeah. That's quite a quote, Mal. Yeah. That communism merch store must be crazy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's all merch.

Number four, you've already mentioned it, Lord of the Rings. Best-selling novel in history. To date, it has sold around 155 million copies all around the world. Wow. So that's up there. That's good. That's cool. Good for Lord of the Rings. Longest book ever? Is it? I never would have. No, what is the longest book ever? I don't know if I could watch the movie.

I don't know if I can make it. It's three movies. They made it three movies. Yeah, I think I've seen it, but I remember around that time, I was like, I could tell if I'm not interested in this, I don't even. It is pointless of me watching it. I just, I did. I hate to say the phrase hated it, but other than that Helms Deep battle, which was amazing, I was just like, man, I'm good.

Call me when you got some wands. Yeah. I don't even know what any of that meant. Wands like magic.

Oh, wands. Yeah, wands. What did you think I said? Like wands? Y-U-A-N. That's how I pictured that was spelled in my head. Wands. Y-U-A-N? Yeah, I don't know why out of Y. Not a J? No, it went Y in my head. So you misspelled it even in your head? Yeah, when you said it, I go, Y-U-A-N. What is that? It's a wand. Yeah, what's a wand? Yawn.

If you had to guess, Justin, whether there were more McDonald's or libraries in the United States, what would you guess? In my head, I would guess McDonald's. Yeah, me too. There are 14,157 McDonald's restaurants, 121,000 libraries. So too many libraries. Yeah.

That's good to know. Too many. Too many. We can get rid of some of them. We can get a... There's probably a ton of them we can get rid of. Now, only 16,000 of those are public libraries, like the ones, like the city library and stuff. But that includes private. Here we go, switching things around again. But that's still more than McDonald's. Okay, let's not act like that really changes things. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a big number. So you're talking about like private libraries? Yeah, like a private... Is this a library? I got those books up there. You...

that have clearly never been cracked from what we're understanding. No, I read a lot of them. It was about comedy. Still Team Six, I read that. I mean, I loved reading that stuff. Yeah. And I just am having a harder time reading. You got that Zero Footprints book. You were the one that recommended me that. Yeah, I never stopped. And it was great. And I stopped. That was the worst part. I think I liked it, but I was like,

I just don't have... Nate was like, went and got that book. He's like, man, this book is... I wanted a book. It's going to be great. And I go, oh, dude, it looks interesting. I'll get it. And so I got the audio book and I spent 18 hours of my life listening to that book. And it was amazing. Don't get me wrong. It was amazing. And so I called Nate like two weeks later and I was like, hey, did you finish the book? And he goes...

no i go are you like halfway and he goes no i forgot about it i don't even know where it's at i know exactly where it's that's on the bus oh yeah oh yeah because you see if it moves every day because every time we open up the he's got to look at the book to get the xbox controller yeah he's easy every day still not moving yeah

It's like, I remember I bought my dad this DVD for Christmas. And then like five years later, I just saw it on the bookshelf. Rapper's still on it. Oh, that's great. Just like, I don't know. Yeah. I didn't care to watch it. What was it? Frost Nixon. Oh, yeah. You remember that movie? He was like, oh, thanks. Yeah.

I don't know that if I was trying to bond with my pop, I don't know that I would bring out Frost Nixon. This will break the ice. This is an elite family. I guess that's true. You probably watch Field of Dreams or something. That's common mouth. Yeah.

We could get this listed as a library, Nate. We'll call this the Bargetzi Library. Bargetzi Library. And I can come. You can issue cards and come check out a book. Yeah. Bargetzi Memorial Library. Yeah. So the fastest reader in the world. Is everybody dead now? No, no, no. Just Memorial. Anybody can come in here and remember you. I don't think you have to have – that's a misconception. I think you can be Memorial. No. No.

No. Memorial. I mean, Memorial Day. Memorial Day is about remembering past and present. No, no. No, that's not. When you do Memorial Day, they say all the troops stand up. No. For the past. For the people of the past. I know. Memorial Days are people who have died. Right. Veterans Day is everybody. I mean, maybe. I mean, if you want to live it that way. I don't live it that way. I go the opposite. Yeah. You guys are just living wrong. Yeah. Yeah.

How do you dress for a funeral? You wear like a very flashy suit because you think it's a good time. You don't know what, you don't understand what stuff is. I thought we just remembered him. I thought we were having fun, dude. I thought he was going to be here. You said there's a memorial service. I go, I texted him and said, I'm late. I'll be there in a little bit.

And you're telling me you walk in just devastated. Every Memorial Selfish, you are just overwhelmed because you just are like, yeah. Oh, yeah. We're meeting up there. All right, dude. I'll meet you up there. That's great. I haven't seen him in a while. I have. He's gone. You're like, just lose it. It's because you don't understand what Memorial means. I have recommended they were a buddy of mine or somebody I knew rather was having a

passed away and they were like let's take suggestions of things we should do to remember them and I was like I don't know why don't we do a fireworks show and I thought it was a great idea because everybody's always trying to find new industries like people trying to make funerals happy now and I was like why not a fireworks show everybody loves a fireworks show and the way they all looked at me

was like they hated the idea so much. Kind of like you guys are looking at me right now. So what did they, they were like, we're just going to do a funeral. Well, they should, yeah. It was the most, they were like, let's do something out of the box. And they did everything exactly normal. Hey, I'm not against you saying fireworks. I mean, I like fireworks. You got the ball started.

I'm telling you. And maybe they is like, yeah, that is crazy. If you went to a funeral with fireworks, you would never forget it. Yeah, you're right. You would. I would not forget that. You would not forget it. Now, Justin, God forbid.

We come to your funeral. Do you want me to do fireworks? Oh, I want all of them. I want you to have the tent on the ground and then throw a road flare in it. Okay, I'm going to have to cut this tape up and show it to your family before I horrify them by launching fireworks off of your funeral. He's going to show it before. Well, they named me Justin Carl. So you're going to show them the video within a day of him dying. So here's Aaron. Justin's just passed.

We got a Burying Them Tuesday. Right. Aaron plops in. Will you mind watching some of the Nate Land podcast so I can show you why we're doing. I'm going to shoot fireworks at your son's funeral. That's the only time you could show him. That's right. Yeah. Like one day to show him that. How you doing? Aaron Weber. They're like, who are you? You go, so we're going to shoot fire. You don't say who you are. It doesn't matter. But we're going to shoot fireworks off at your son's funeral.

Well, he died yesterday. Well, you know, you understand the time crunch I'm in. We've got to get on the horn here. We've got to drive to Arkansas. Right, right, right. We've got to find a supplier. Yeah. Golly. I'm going to tell you something. If there's anybody that knows where to find illegal fireworks, it's the Smith family. Really? Oh, yeah. I think his dad would be. Oh, yeah. His dad would, I mean, we would. He would figure it out. I'll tell you, my dad would not shed a tear.

During the whole process. I think we'd have to tone his dad back. We'd have to go. You got to. He would. Yeah. He would, he would spend everything that he was going to spend on the funeral. On fireworks. And on fireworks. How do these fireworks stores, what do they do?

I mean, I don't know if you- Sell fireworks. But there's only two days a year you can shoot fireworks off. And there are these huge structures on the side of the interstate. What is going on in there? I think it's like a novelty. I think people buy them for the July. Like, July's in the middle, so you're always around it. And then if you're in a place that doesn't sell it, you're like-

Hey, let's just stop and get fireworks now. Do you think somebody in March is like, let's go ahead and buy some fireworks? I mean, people buy them for St. Patrick's Day. In Florida, they were shooting them off for New Year's. Yeah. Florida, a lot. New Year's. Yeah, obviously, New Year's. Christmas, holiday show. Yeah. Okay, now I understand why you were trying to do it at a funeral. You just did it for Columbus Day. Who doesn't love fireworks? That's crazy. Memorial Day. What?

Fastest reader of all time. The average human being reads at about 250 to 300 words per minute with a comprehension of 70%. So that means you read at that speed, you only retain about 70% of it. The world's fastest reader, Maria Teresa Calderon from the Philippines, 80,000 words per minute with 100% comprehension. She has a photogenic memory. You don't buy it?

I mean... Evidently, she read a three-page long college-level essay of 3,135 words in 3.5 seconds. She just has a photogenic memory. That's all it is. It's not reading. It's being able to recall. That's 100% comprehension. Yeah. She can just look at a page and she remembers every word. Yeah. You just look at it like that and you take it all in. How do they know? Does she go...

And they go, did you just read it? And she goes, I did. They go, golly, dude. Are you kidding me right now? And you know what it's talking about? She goes, yeah. I know everything. Well, they probably. God, that's so crazy. All right, let's put it in the.

World Book of Guinness. Did you see it? The record book. Done, done, done. You read that whole thing? Whole thing. That's about the speed that she read that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You ever read that old Brian Regan joke? I got my speed rating up. Yeah. My comprehension plummeted. That is a very funny joke. Yeah, she would go like this. She'd go and then be like, and you comprehended that whole thing? You go, yep.

What's comprehension? She doesn't know that. What's comprehension? He's like, you understand it? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's just not the word comprehension. Yeah. A 2009 study of the University of Sussex found that reading can reduce stress by up to two-thirds, making it a much more efficient relaxation method than listening to music, drinking tea, or even taking a walk. You believe that? No, because this is the most stressful episode of this podcast that I've ever done. Yeah.

All we're doing is talking about reading. I feel a lot of pressure when I read. Yeah. Because I know as I read this page, I know I'm going to forget it as I turn it. And then I'm just starting anew like the book started. I would need a book. One page long. No. If you want me to understand a book, the first chapter needs to be the same page over and over again.

And I need like, it just, and I just keep reading the same and eventuate until I go like, all right, I'm good. And then I move on. It's like the hassle of that. I think I'd have to read it. I would start some, I barely get, you know, there's some of these comments, no, not the comments, but I barely get like a paragraph. And I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. I feel like it's like, I'm too busy or something. You know, it's like, there's a lot on your mind. That's what makes you a lot going on. Yeah. I feel like also like there's a lot of times you read books and they get like really frustrating. Yeah.

Like, I read Elvis's biography. When I say read it, I mean I listened to it. Okay. And... And it frustrated you? Well, no. It was the fact that it was... The biography is like... I looked it up because my girl...

is really into Elvis. And so I was like, I'm going to learn more about it because I don't really know that much. You're taking an interest in her interest. Yeah, so I wanted to, and I read all the things and everybody said that this biography was like the best one. It's called like The Last Train to Memphis. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't wait. And I looked it up and it's like 18 hours long audio book. And so I'm, again, I'm investing in my relationship is what I'm doing. Yeah.

And for 18 hours. I mean, this is like two road weekends. You know, like I'm investing the whole way. Yeah. And then I'm sitting there and I'm like, I got to be close to the end. And he's getting on a boat to go to Germany, like in the military. And then the book just ends. Oh, really? It's like, bro, you didn't even get to Vegas, Elvis. He's going to Germany. He's...

He's famous, but it's still just like bubblegum, pink suit, soda fountain Elvis. Did you download the whole book? Whole book. 18 hours. And they didn't give it to anything fun. Nothing like that. So that was childhood stuff? I mean, a little bit, but it's all just like, hey, they went to hang out and then they get cheeseburgers. That's crazy. And then they went to Mobile and they got cheeseburgers. And then you're like...

This is the most infuriating. I spent 18 hours. I mean, I was so excited to get to the crazy... I mean, I want him to shoot guns from an airplane. Right. I want the fried peanut butter sandwich Elvis. Yeah. Chubby Elvis. Chubby Elvis.

Yeah. I mean, a fat famous guy is, I love it so much. And the fact that the guy's like, he got halfway there and he's like, all right. And like, almost like, you know, the rest of the story. Yeah. So, and there was no mention of a second book whatsoever. That's the idea. My theory with that idea is it's someone that's, it's like the,

The guy writes it thinking like, you know what? We all know the Elvis story where you're like, no one probably really does that much. You know, not that. I mean, like people that were alive when he did. But you're like, so he's like, I'm going to tell. He's like, but everybody knows the end of it. I'll just tell the beginning. And then people read it. My theory is that most of them don't like it. But.

They're embarrassed to not like it because it's like the guy writes it is going, here's the beginning life of Elvis. And then all those people, they go, yeah, no, I loved it. It was great. And everybody's aligned. You could get them all just alone. You'd be like, come on. Do we really like this book? Right, right. And they'd be like, well, I wish he would have done more of it. Exactly. It's like any time you watch a Batman movie. Yeah. They're literally like, they go to the Bruce Wayne, you know, they show the parents and all that stuff and they're like,

can we just get to where he's punching the Joker in the face? Can we just do that? Once a few people like something, it's like, I feel like it just goes, but that, that, that's, I have no idea. There are a couple of books that have become standards to read in high school. Scarlet Letter. Yeah. And Moby Dick's another one. You ask any, nobody likes those books. Yeah. These are not enjoyable reads. Yeah. But for some reason, they've just become part of what we need to teach. Yeah. Scarlet Letter's awful, dude. Yeah. That book stinks, dude. It's brutal.

It's brutal, too. Moby Dick is awful, but it's just part of it. But you're right. I think we lined up everybody and go, can we all just agree? Yeah. We can move on to something else. These are the older books. Let's read Lone Survivor instead. It's probably a way better book. Yeah. Did you guys get Christian books when you were kids? Bible? No, no, no. The Catechism. It was really popular when I was in middle school and high school.

Or more middle school, but there was like Christian authors that would find like... The Left Behind? Stuff like that? No, like there's a guy in particular that I'm thinking of. His name is Frank Peretti is his name. Okay, never heard of him. And he was like the Christian Stephen King. Oh. So he wrote like supernatural things. Like one of those books that he wrote that I was like... That everybody in my school passed around was like a book called The Oath. And it was about an invisible dragon.

that would eat people that would commit sins. Oh, yeah. And you're like, oh, my gosh. Yeah. Invisible dragon. And the cover was so – it was awesome because it was like – you're like, oh, dude, I don't know what's going on in there. It's like there's Jesus' message in there. Yeah. That was the best part is like whenever you were in like a strict household, something was like – I feel like it was like breaking the rules kind of, but you're like, oh, it's Christian. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like look at that cover. Yeah.

I love that you said passed around like the kids were dealing drugs at your high school. We passed that book around like a Brian Regan album. Do you have the oath? Yeah. I can get you the oath, dude. When we go to the school library and there was a wait list on it. It was like three weeks deep to get that book. We had Harry Potter at the library. We were reading the good mainstream stuff. It was crazy. Not trying to brag or anything. Yeah.

I know you're big into dictionaries, Nate. You know, in the first dictionary, you mentioned it earlier. I am. I was trying to do some segues here, dude. Samuel Johnson wrote the first English dictionary, 1755. Took him seven years.

42,700 entries with 114,000 literary examples. He only got help writing the examples from assistants. The rest he did completely himself. Wow. Some dude just sat down and wrote the dictionary. That's the first. Did he make money off of it? First English one. Would have took seven years? Seven years to do it. I wonder if he made money.

I'm hoping he did. Yeah. I mean, that's quite a service he's done for the English-speaking world. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know. Back then, I don't feel like they would do that stuff off pride. Yeah. Yeah, it was published. Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got money for this. He was living large after this. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow, because it was published? Well, oh, yeah, he got money. He got money for doing this. Oh, it says he got some of 1,500...

What is the other coin? The equivalent of $250,000 to write this. Yeah. Which I guess over the course of seven years. $250,000 over seven years. I mean, back then, though, $250,000 probably was $10 million. Right. What's the modern equivalent?

Yeah. Oh, it'd be like 250,000. Oh, yeah. Like 250,000 now. Well, maybe it's like driving for Uber. Like he had another job. And then every night he went home and wrote the dictionary. And he'd have to explain that to people. They're like, what?

Yeah, he doesn't know and he goes, oh, that's right. All right, I'll put dictionary in. He writes it down and he puts, I need to put the definition dictionary. Anytime he says, someone goes, eh, eh, eh. They just want something and he goes, what, what? And he goes, and then he hands him a pen. He goes, once he gets the pen back, he goes, pen. I write that down, you know?

You'll like this. The dictionary you've heard of, Noah Webster, Webster's Dictionary, 1806. It was the first truly American dictionary. Now, he tried to simplify the spelling of a lot of words because he thought the way the English people spelled it was too complex. He changed like...

You ever see when they put like the R before the E at the end of a word? Yeah. Like center, C-E-N-T-R-E. He's like, let's just, come on, just put the E-R. That's how it sounds. He changed plow, P-L-O-U-G-H to like P-L-O-W. Right. Yeah.

So he did a bunch of that, but he tried to do a bunch more and people were like, come on, this is too much. He wanted to change tongue to like T-U-N-G. Yeah. And just like, let's just spell it how it's written, you know, women to W-I-M-M-E-N. Women. Oh, I like. Women, yeah, I knew you would be on board with this. He's like, why are we spelling it different than we say it? I'm down with the tongue thing for sure. I can't believe that one didn't catch on. I think there's a point that he goes, look, we look.

Like, you know, I guarantee that we look like rednecks. Yeah. So let's have a, let's class up some of these words. Right. I gave you plow. I gave you center. He goes, he went, it seems like he's really targeting a group. He goes, I'll let you do plow. You know, people that plow are going to spell like that anyway. But the tongue people, come on, dude. These are our doctors. Like, let's let them, every word that he gave them was like a dumb, like a, you know.

Like, I mean, so this guy was going to just, he's like, yeah, we're going to just change it everywhere. Yeah. I mean, I'm going off just two choices, but the one, the manual labor farmer job, he goes. Yeah. And then tongue, he's like, dude, these are. Yeah. These are some of our smartest people. Yeah. We are a civilization. We are a civilization. Let's go T-O-U-N-G. Is there an E at the end of it? Yeah. T-O-U-N-G-E.

Yeah. T-O-N-G-U-E. There almost has to be a thing. T-O-N-G-U-E. I think it said T-O-U-N. T-O-N-G-U-E. Yep. That makes sense, though. Yeah. But T-U-N-G-M is, you know, it would have been nice. It would have been nice. But, yeah, but tongue, T-U-N-G, it does, you know, it just sounds like we're not going to make it. Do you ever write things phonetically? I mean, I read everything phonetically. Yeah. If I don't know, I'll just kind of give it a go.

I just think whenever I'm having to read something out loud, I write it the way it's supposed to. In my head, the way that it goes. I just imagine him. That guy's been trying to get people on board for months. And then he just sees somebody do it. He's like, see, I told you. How does he get all the words? I mean, someone gives him a...

Does he just find them? Mails them something? I think, well, you're working off the other guy's dictionary. Yeah, but the first guy's dictionary is like, that dude just has to do it all on his own. He's just like the words I've heard in my life, I guess. There's a lot of sticky notes on that one. I guess it would take seven years because you've got to be like, well, every day I need to come home with ten new words. Yeah, I've got to go have conversations with people, see what they're saying. How are you doing today?

Weather good? Did you see our answers? Well, sun doesn't come to – oh, it was coming. All right, forgot about that one. Let me put that in there.

So this is a good question. How does a new word get added to the dictionary? It still happens. Every year they add these words to the official dictionary. When people use a word or phrase frequently enough that it appears in widely read print and online publications, lexicographers take notice. What a made-up title for a job. Lexicographers. Notre Dame graduates is what it sounds like. Yeah.

Okay, Oklahoma State. I didn't graduate from there. Oh, really? I don't want to disgrace them. Oh, I'm sorry, dude. First, they collect citations of the word. They go out and find where it's used. They make sure it's coming from people with diverse backgrounds over a long period of time. It can't just be like if we all just start saying a word. We said bingo.

Bingle. Yeah, exactly. It's got to get people from all over saying it for it to make sense. And then they review the evidence and decide if they want to put it in. Yeah. And you add a few words. They just changed the definition of literally to basically mean anything now. Oh, wow. Because people used it wrong so much.

That they're like, Oh, Oh, what do you mean? So now it's, you know, you hear people misuse literally all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Like this is literally the biggest cup I've ever seen. So they were just like, let's just let them just let them use it. It can mean figuratively too, which is literally the opposite of, but if you look at the official definition, it's now says, it's now just means, yeah, you know, yeah, I don't know. It's whatever. It's not a good precedent for sure. Like you just, yeah, he just go.

All right, that's fine. I mean, we're on our way back to T-U-N-G. You know? Like, I feel like that's the... We're just heading in that direction. They're going... They fought it back then, and now we're just like, all right, you win. Well, didn't they add, like, the skirt thing? Like, one of the Migos' fill? Oh, the skirt? Yeah. That? How do you spell that? I don't... I mean, I had trouble with tongue. Probably have to use Siri.

Yeah, we should. Look, we got a bunch of COVID words got added. Breakthrough, super spreader, vaccine passport. That's in the dictionary now. We could have made those words up. Whataboutism. I hear that one. AstroTurf. That just got added. What?

Oh, AstroTurf in that context. As what context? The figurative use of AstroTurf is used to describe political efforts, campaigns, or organizations that appear to be funded and run by ordinary people, but are in fact backed by powerful groups. So if you're like, we're a grassroots organization, and then there's really a billionaire giving you money. That's AstroTurf. I was going to say, I think we're about done with AstroTurf. Fluffernutter.

That's a, they're still adding a lot of fun words. Air fryer just got added. I mean, they're keeping up with the times. Yeah. You know, I'm on board with that ad. That's for sure. You big air fryer guy. Oh my gosh. So much. Yeah. What are you making it? Uh, pizza is the like, well, like you make a homemade pizza. Not a whole one, but like when you get, when you get pizza, you got a few slices left over ghost kitchen, a commercial cooking facility used for the preparation of food consumed off the premises.

Also called a cloud kitchen or a dark kitchen. Wow. Okay. Doorbell camera. A lot of fun stuff. So there are over 171,000 words in the English dictionary now. Oxford has two. How many? Over 170,000 in the current English dictionary. Oh, that's it? Yeah. Oxford dictionary is 273,000. Well, you got to think it started with 42,000 back in 1755. Yeah. And we're up to 172,000.

So we've been adding words like crazy. Well, it's weird that there are terms now and not words because I feel like doorbell and camera both are in the dictionary. Yeah. It's weird that they're like now we're putting things together. It's called like a compound word. Yeah, but so wouldn't that be a separate dictionary or is there going to be a separate section of the dictionary? For compound words? Yeah. No, there are singular words. But aren't compound words connected? Yeah.

Yeah, it's one word. Yeah, but it's not like the doorbell camera or blank check cup. Those are all separate. Yeah, you're not really making up a new word. You're going, well, it's a doorbell, but it also has a camera on it. Well, those are two different things. You just combined them. So why are you writing a new- Because it's a whole different thing. Yeah, but then you're like, they get paid by word? Yeah.

They do this, and now they're just drumming up business? They must be. It's a doorbell camera. It's a doorbell that has a camera on it. Okay, that makes sense, but why don't we just keep the word separate in the dictionary? Who's going to look up doorbell on its own, then go to camera, and then be still like, I don't get it? And they go, well, come on down to this section, and we'll show you the compound section. Come down to compound words. And it says doorbell camera. It goes, okay.

I guess you're right. Yeah, there's a space in there. Yeah. That's why they call them entries to clear up that. I'm just glad you guys are on board with that because I airballed that Memorial Day thing so bad. No, that's all right. Everything else after that, I was like –

That was a funny moment. Yeah, it was good. Now, do you prefer, if you are reading a book, do you prefer having it on an electronic device or do you like holding the actual book? Right now, I like to read the book, but I've tried reading on my iPads and some, like I do that. You know, if I could get used to that. I've never tried a Kindle.

And I think I would like to try it and see what that is like. I don't like the Kindle. I have read books on iPad. I read Gucci Man's biography on iPad. Oh, it was unbelievable. His biography is one of the most exciting. Who wrote it? He did. I'm sure he had somebody peeking over his shoulder every once in a while. Right, right, right. But his biography maybe jumps off quicker than any other biographies.

biography that I've ever read. Like it starts from chapter one. It's the most exciting. Better than Elvis's. I mean, I'm, I mean better than any chapter. Yeah. It was, it's bananas. Yeah. But it's also like cool. Cause he's like, again, like the biographies are great because you watch people who are great and influential become great and you see why. And they kind of like, it helps you change your process. Yeah. Yeah. You ever hear somebody just say, I just love the smell of an old, I just love the smell of a book.

Yeah. Like book collector people. Yeah. They're like, I can't do the Kindle. I love the way a book feels. I love the smell. I like the way it just seems easy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a word for the bibliosmia.

It's the smell of old books. There's a real word for that. Yeah. Isn't that fun? Yeah, that's fun. It just smells like mildew. Yeah, it's what it is. Mothballs and all that kind of stuff. Longest sentence ever printed. It's in the... I was going to say it was in the Tennessee Kid. It's in the transcript of the Tennessee Kid.

It's one hour straight. Are you going to write a book still? You think you might one day? Maybe. I don't know. That would be fun. Yeah. I'd just love for you to do the audio book for it. Oh, we might talk about the next one. I want to talk about that video game that you did the voiceover for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy, dude. Yeah.

Not just a guy walking down the sidewalk. No, it's the main character. The whole thing. No, it's cool. So that one was on the Steam Deck. And it was crazy. I went down there and I would do it. It was so fun. They were awesome. And it was crazy to be like, you're just in there doing it. That's the greatest gig ever.

is like just doing the voiceover booth but i mean yeah you're just in there and you're just saying all this stuff and aperture desk job i like that they just let you it sounded like you they were just like say it in your own voice yeah yeah they wrote it like uh the dudes that wrote it all like they were fans so they kind of knew and then but i would say there's a dead gummit in there yeah uh i had that in there uh

I don't know for sure. I thought I tried to put a folks in there before. Oh, yeah? But I don't remember. That I don't know for sure. But it was... But they... But I mean, like, I would say what they wrote, but yeah. Yeah, it's crazy, dude. It's really cool. And, you know, yeah. I haven't played the game, but it's... Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. I mean, your voice fits the vibe of the whole thing. Yeah, it's hard to picture that, though. When it's your voice...

You're like, I don't know. Am I that? You're like, you just, but I feel it's not like I'm like,

You feel, like, embarrassed. You're like, I'm not this. Like, y'all should have got someone else. That's almost what you feel. Because you just hear your voice, and you're like, I don't know what I'm doing. Right. And I'm nervous that these people are, you're going to get fired, dude. You shouldn't be using me, you know? Yeah. So, yeah, it was great. I mean, it was a very, very cool thing. It's cool to see it come out. It's like, you know, I knew about it for a little bit, obviously. And then, but it came out, yeah, like, you know.

They turned it around quick. I mean, the game, I believe, was already built. That's so cool, man. Well, Les Miserables. You never see that movie? No. Okay. The book, there is a sentence, 823 words long. It's a long sentence. That's a run-on. Longest one ever printed. President Theodore Roosevelt, we talked about him here on the podcast before. You're familiar with him. He read at least one book per day. He'd read one in the morning before breakfast.

And then depending on his schedule, another two or three in the evening. That's dedication. You had nothing else to do back then. I don't know if, yeah. You don't know if you believe it? Or that's just like a fun thing to say. A book? A book. A whole book. He would finish it. Yeah, before breakfast. Possibly three books a day. Before breakfast. So before breakfast, he gets up and reads up one book. Yeah. So how long was a book back then? Were they 50 pages? 40 pages? Yeah.

Yeah, they're probably a little like same length as the books now. It's not like books have gotten that long. Well, I mean, you think you read 300 pages? Might be able to a couple, you know, an hour or two. You'll knock one out.

I mean, that's... I just feel like that's so... First of all, how are you... Like, what else are you doing during the day? Well, he's the president. I know. That's what I'm saying. It's like, I don't know if just nothing's going on or if you're just like... Well, so you probably can't... Who is this? This is Theodore Roosevelt. Yeah, I mean, maybe you couldn't really talk to him, but, you know, it's like he wasn't getting calls. I mean, he's got to look for it. That's true. So he's not, you know, so he's like doing...

You know, you're just kind of sitting around the house. I bet it was. I mean, look, being president, back then if you're president, it's like it either becomes...

It's either like you're doing nothing or it's the craziest thing. You're in like a war. It's like, oh, you're like, yeah, I'm trying to read some books. Look at this dude. He just wake up, sit in that little wicker chair. Who reads in a wicker chair? Like that's also, I don't believe it's real. So you believe he's posing for this? Oh yeah. Because that's not how you would read. First of all, he's a chubby guy. Nobody reads with a vest like,

That's how people dress back then, man. You don't read an uncomfortable cloth. Like, that's insane. Yeah, he's the president in the 1900s. He's not going to have sweatpants on. Well, and they just invented cameras. And so he's like, all right, I'll get dressed up for the camera. I mean, there's, like, that's, you know. I mean, that's why he did it.

What do you think? He's like, so I got to dress up. And you're like, I mean, it's going to be pretty obvious we're about to take this picture. I mean, I like how- I got one of him falling asleep. I'm sure he woke up when he heard that. He just goes, just a little loud. He's like, there's lightning hitting. He's like, ah. And he goes, what was that? And they're like, there's still a glow. The person just disappears. And then he's like, am I dreaming this?

Well, Americans don't read the most in the world, if you can believe it or not. If you had to guess what country reads more than any other country, what would you guess? England. You got to think about what are the... That's a great guess. What are the situations that would cause you to read a book? I'm going to say like a cold weather place, someplace like Iceland, or maybe like Denmark, Sweden, someplace like that. It's Iceland. It's Iceland. Yeah.

Seattle's number two. It's Iceland and Seattle. Yeah, Iceland and Seattle. I knew I was close. So we talk about bizarre books. Remember in Harry Potter, the forbidden books section? Harvard owns a book that is bound in human skin. Why would they have that?

Why do they have that? It's just an old book, and it was published sometime in the 1880s. They confirmed with 99.9% certainty that it is bound in human skin. I don't know why they're not 100% confident. Why is there nothing in that that's ever 100% confident? If you can get to 90.99, why is that one extra just... Because if they get it wrong, they want to be like, well, we told you we weren't 100%.

The book's been sitting in Harvard's library since the 1930s and has a note inside of it from the donor who explains that the book was bound in human skin. People have used it to memorialize the dead or the still living, among other reasons. They said they got the skin from the back of a female mental patient whose body was unclaimed after dying from a stroke. So they just scraped off her back and made a book out of it.

Is there a picture of this book? I mean, do we want to look it up? I just don't... Why would you... Just take it out of this school. There it is. This one says debunked. What are these facts Brian's giving me? I mean, I feel like you gotta like...

Oh, golly. Science won Internet zero. So they were 99.99% sure. That's why they were 99.99% sure. We pull up an article that says the Harvard bound book and human flesh isn't actually bound to human flesh. It's sheepskin. Well, that's what they want you to believe because they're probably getting some flack for having a human skin book.

Apparently whoever wrote this is a fan of the podcast. Why is that? Because it said sorry folks. No, it does say sorry folks up top. That's very funny. Oh man, that's too bad. I was enjoying that. Are you guys sad that it wasn't human skin from a patient? No, I was going to be like, why would y'all, why would you have it? I would say if they kept it, you'd be like, well, why would you do that?

Why are you going, "Well, it's a ... I don't know. You're going to be like some lunatic."

Yeah. Did this and y'all are, you know, and you keep, like, I get the idea of it. I get the idea of keeping it, but I would be like, you should never let anybody on earth know that you have the book. This gets into like the world of like book collecting and that's a whole different world. Like, it's also like, do you, if you've ever watched a documentary about book collectors, like they're like, they, let's assume I haven't. Well, it was, I wasn't a, it says Bigfoot country on, keep going. I'm sorry.

It's like when people collect books like that, they just want the rarity instead of what's inside the book. They've printed new versions of these books. They're like, I want a first edition. It's like, what is that? You're not reading the first edition. You just want something because it's old. I've always wanted to collect something, and I try to think what I'd want to collect.

and I can never find something that I'm like I would want to get into I collect so much stuff really like did you like I think I really would like I try I'm like what would I want

I think, I guess I would want probably something history. I don't know what. Maybe books. Maybe a book collector. I'm just saying that to you, trash. Yeah, yeah. Maybe books. It doesn't sound. I do like Bibliosmia. I do like that. Every time I hear about collectors, I go, I want to be a collector. I want to go. Like, I like the idea that you're searching for something. That you're always, like, looking for something and searching for it. Like, I think that's, it's fun. It is fun. Yeah. What do you collect?

I collect a bunch of sentimental stuff. I'm trying to visit every baseball park in the country, going around the country for comedy. I get a baseball at every park. So I have one of those for all of them. I collect baseball cards. That's a fun one, by the way. It's back. Yeah. It's back. The market's crazy. You better get rid of them before it falls out again.

You're right. Probably. Some of them I probably should sell. I think stuff should only go up more because everything's going digital. And so I would imagine anything that you can hold in your hands, it can only go up because everything's going to get to where eventually nothing's – we don't have any papers or something, whatever it is. And so if you just hold on to anything –

That's like, or go, you know, that's baseball cards I would imagine would be safe to, there's going to be a market for it. Right. Right. Well, I think also like with time, just, I mean, I just think of fires, storms, floods, just anything that, it doesn't matter how much it's produced, you give it enough time and eventually it's all going to disappear. Yeah. It's all going to become rare. Anything that survives and is rare. I agree. I agree. Mm-hmm.

I was trying to look at that. I thought, does that beep? Does that thing flash when we talk? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I just noticed that. Sorry. Nate was zeroed in on what we were saying, Justin. If you guys are wondering what it sounds like when you're bombing in front of Nate, you can just go ahead and clip that one up real quick. It was like he was reading a book. That's not. Oh, yeah. You were a book. Hold on a second. What's that beeping thing? What's that blinking light thing over there? Oh, it's when somebody's talking? Okay. All right. We were a book. Dude, you were a book. Just so you know, I cut you off just to see if that would blink when I talked.

That's the only reason I stopped the conversation. I was so not into it. And I go, all right, that's good enough right there. And I just said that to go, oh, I guess it does beep. I didn't notice that. Now I know I'll be looking at that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah. Every time I look at it, I'm going to think of a little bit that I was trying to do that didn't work. Remember that? Yeah, remember that? Remember that right there? No, that wasn't your fault. That was my fault. I wrote a book when I was a kid. Oh. Yeah. When I was like four.

I spoke a book out loud to my mom. She wrote down the entire thing. It's pretty long. It took a long time. Oh,

I mean, it's probably 30, 40, 50 pages. Yeah. When I was a kid. And I mean, it makes, my mom still has it in a binder. She wrote it all. It makes no sense. It's the worst story of all time. Yeah. But I was so into it. I remember being in the backyard saying it to her. Yeah. And I need to find it. Let's say the ending is the hardest part. Well, I would say. Well, I was struggling with characters. Yeah, yeah. And everything. Yeah.

I just hope you go on to greatness because then it'll be cool that you did that. And if you don't, it's going to be like, well, that kid was a psycho. Like that's like something, a book like that. There's only, it can only go two ways. Like you go on a greatness, it's going to be in a museum. You're like, he came up with that, that young. Yeah. But if you go on to nothing, it's like this kid,

If you're in prison, it'd be like, he wrote a book to his mom. How do you not see this coming? You really have to do something in your life to make the dumb little stuff at the beginning to be like, right? He was doing good. It's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure. I feel like every person has moments like that where it's like, I'm either going to be great or I'm going to be a lunatic. Your mom is Theodore Roosevelt. That apparently had a lot of time to write that. Yeah.

She'd write one book before breakfast every day, two or three in the evening. Yeah. She did so many of them that she eventually just was like, her four-year-old talked and she goes, let's go through this. You should get it so we can read it. I think it was called Pickle Nose Eye Beetle. It made no sense. I'm on board. Pickle Nose Eye Beetle. I think I'll text my mom after this and I'll see if she can find it. Yeah.

Pickle knows I beetle. I'm not, I'm not, I don't completely hate that. You're like, I'm actually, I'm on board now. I would probably, you want to see, you want to see if I can get through your book? Okay. I might be able to. You might be able to. I'll tell you what, if you're looking for your comedy LLC, I think that's it right there. Pickle knows I beetle LLC. That's a lot. Yeah. Well, everybody knows now. Yeah. Uh,

Yeah, now everybody knows it. If you're looking for your password for your credit cards, I think you got it right there. Pickle Nose Eye Beetle, right, everybody? That sounds like a play in football. Pickle Nose Eye Beetle on two. Yeah, it does. That's all the book stuff I got. All right. That was fun. That was fun. That was way better than reading a book. Yeah, I think you learn more. We probably could have read a book in that time, a shorter one. Theater quarter, for sure.

Theodore has read a few already. That one girl, she'd read a hundred books. I still don't think that's real. I mean, people have photogenic memories, so I think they can... If someone's super smart, it's like that, but you wouldn't be like, yeah. I just think it's different. But I don't think it's just looking at it and then remembering it. It's like you're reading it in real time just that fast. But if she knows everything, if she could pass a test, then who are you to say she's not reading it? It's like,

100% comprehension. But I mean, I just want to, they should also say, well, we let her. Is it her in the green? Oh, is that her? Yeah. Tristan sent us this video. I can't figure out where to go to it. Tristan didn't know what he was talking about. But yeah, you look it up. World's Fastest Reader. I guess she does it on the. I definitely do. Well, you can't. Is it not in the middle when they print the book out?

how can you not see it? there you go yeah it's gotta be right there here you go she's gonna Tristan do you have an idea where where this is in this video? I mean if it's if it's true it's like an eight minute video I don't know no you just keep going to that where you can see that

Yeah, keep going. Oh, all right. If it's real, that means she can probably read something faster than a printer can print out. Way faster. Good Morning Korea is set up wild. She's in the middle of the couch, surrounded by two people. They're talking to people eating breakfast.

And there's another guy just in the... I mean, it's... It's chaos. Just unmute it. But it's a ton. I mean, look up Good Morning Korea. The most is happening. And they have... Yeah. I think she's the only guest is what it looks like.

And there's a guy they're not showing. And he's looking right in the camera. Yeah, I think they're speaking English, right? Yeah, they were speaking English. They're speaking English, but it's even... Yeah, you would be like, well, just do Korean. Like, you know, it was like, that was kind of hard. I mean, that's crazy. But yeah, there's a lot happening. Yeah, it's hard to make sense of. Yeah, yeah. That's the world's fastest reader from Thailand. Look it up. That's crazy. Smart. Or Philippines, sorry. Oh, golly. You didn't read it right? I'm...

All right, everybody. Again, we love you. Check everybody out. Instagram, Justin Smith. Justin Smith Comedy. Justin Smith Comedy. AaronWeber.net. Comedy.com. It's my MySpace page. AaronWeberComedy.com. It's my MySpace. Is it? Oh, yeah. It's legit your MySpace page. No, I mean, it's a website that I built from scratch, but it looks like a MySpace page. MySpace page. Yeah, that's cool. I'll get people to go to it. And...

It should be a professional website. People are spending money to go buy tickets. But yeah, that's a cute, fun thing. Is AaronWeber.com taken? AaronWeber.com was taken. Yeah, I had to get Aaron Weber Comedy. That's, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah, it looks like that. Yeah, I mean, it's cool. Yeah, you know, it's cool. I get the idea. Yeah. You're at the age that you would do this. So...

Well, you're 30. Maybe you just passed it. Yeah, you're 30 now? Yeah, I'm 30 now. Oh, boy. It's about time for a real website, you think? I mean, it's, you know, I think they're going to. I mean, between the two of us, one of us is going to do it. You can, no. I think this is fine. Just keep those ticket prices reasonable. I've never clicked that and it says $40. You're like, get out. Come on, dude. What are you talking about? I went to a fake MySpace page.

All right. Go check it all out, everybody. We love you as always. Thank you. See you next time. Nateland is produced by Nateland Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi, and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network. Recording and editing for the show is done by Genovations Media. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nateland Podcast.