Andrew Santino: "Are you a lizard?"
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Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs projects done well. I absolutely love this because you know, if you own a home, it can be really hard to maintain. It's hard to find people that can help you for a big project or a small one.

Well, whether it's in everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now, all you need to do is answer that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. Angie has over 20 years of home service experience.

and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app, answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which

which means you can take care of just about any home project in just a few taps. Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. So thank you so much for coming to my podcast. Thank you so much. Honestly, I said

I said to my team, I said, "Can I drive an hour and a half away from where I live to see Bobby?" And they said, "You better believe it. We're gonna go to Simi Valley." Yeah, that's pretty far. This is deep, but it's really pretty out here. To be completely fair, I was happy to do it somewhere closer. You just insisted on golfing. No, you wanted me to teach you comedy, is what I heard. That's what Luke said was a good idea. It's a terrible idea. Okay, I... This is a better idea. Okay, then you can't complain about the distance, though. But I can and I will, and I did.

You shouldn't and you should stop and you shouldn't do it again. Let's start over. Okay. Hey, great to be here. Thank you. Thank you so much. What was your name? Huh? What's your name? Andrew Santino is my name. Yeah. A comedian, author, actor. You act? Yeah, I'm an actor. Never seen you in anything. You've never seen me on television before? No. Never once? Not one time. I've never even heard your name. It's mine. Well...

Here I am. Never even seen your face on my For You page. There's no way you haven't seen my face. Swear. No, there's no way. There is a way. Go get your phone and get your For You page out, and we'll scroll through it together. And we'll scroll for like hours? Your face would not come up. Within minutes, I'll be on your FYP. Within minutes, I'm on your FYP. It wouldn't happen. Within minutes, I'll be on it.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Just don't. Don't. Put the club down. I will not. Can you imagine if we got into a fight with golf clubs? What I would do to you? That would be hilarious. I'd win. You would? Yeah. Let's do it. You do that one and I'll do this one. I'll do the long one. You ready? Yeah, get a big one. Get a big one out. Yeah, two. That'll work. Did you set that up like that or did you make someone else do that?

Yeah, because I was here 40 minutes before you. I decided to stack all the balls like this for you. You don't have to come early. No one told you to do that. I came on time. Okay, and I came 15 minutes late. How about that?

How about that to your show? Pick those up. How about that to your show? Pick those up. How about that? I stopped to get a breast pump. I know, I heard. Yeah, so you can't really make fun of me. Where is it? Let me see if it's real. It's in the car. There's milk in it. Would you like my sister to go grab it? Sissy, go get the tit pump from the car. Hey guys, so sorry to interrupt your episode of The Really Good Podcast. I'm so happy that this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp because I think BetterHelp is an amazing platform. We all need therapy. Me especially. If you guys know, lately my life has been...

and desperate need of therapy. But if you sign up for BetterHelp now using betterhelp.com slash bobbyaltoff, you'll get 10% off of your first month.

And I think with this new year, we should all aim to be better versions of ourselves. So that's what I'm doing with therapy. And I think that you guys should join me. BetterHelp lets you choose from so many different therapists. And if you don't like the one that you picked, you can try someone else. And eventually you will find someone who you mesh well with and who helps you become a better version of yourself.

So thank you for watching this ad. Thank you for supporting me. And go to betterhelp.com slash bobbyaltoff after you finish watching the episode. Or now. I won't be sad if you look down at your phone really quickly before you forget. Do you have kids?

No kids. Do you want to give me yours? No, not really. You love them both? Yeah. Equally? Equally. You don't love one more than the other one? No. Which one's better looking? That's so fucked up. They both look identical to each other. No, that can't be. Are they identical twins? Yeah. They are, but they're different ages? Mm-hmm. That's impossible. It's not impossible. No, it's literally impossible. Identical twins must be born together at the exact same time. Wow, thank you, Sherlock.

No, this is just normal. Okay. How many years of school did you get through? All of them. I got through, what's the normal, like 18 years. 18 years. You went to school the moment you were born and you started to go to school? No. You came out of your mother and she went, put this baby in school. Pretty much. Wow. I'm pretty smart. How much school did you go to? I went to elementary school, middle school, high school, and then I went to an Ivy League college.

No, you did not. Yes, I did. What Ivy League college? It's in Arizona. There's no Ivy League college in Arizona. In Phoenix, yes it is. Like ASU? Arizona State, yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's one of like the few schools with like an almost perfect, they accept everyone acceptance rate. It's like 90%.

You better get your sissy to check your stats, dude. It's pretty high. I don't want to be pushing out nonsense on the web. Can you really quickly, just so that I can get this game started, so we can get this over with? Yeah. Can you teach me? I can. Just go do one and I'll do one of the buddies. Well, let me see you swing first and then I'll... I don't even know how to begin. Well, that's a good place to start. But that way is where you want to aim. That's what I'm aiming for. Well, so flip your body around and face that way. Why? Well, I don't know. Unless you want to hit the crew.

So like that? So here you go. So, so, um, here you go. So take, take the golf club. Yeah. Okay. And then put one hand here on top. How about this? Take your hands like this. Put the club between your crotch there. Yeah. And then, and then put your pinky, interlock it with your pointer. Pinky and see it. Come on. 18 years of school. This one to here, bam. And then just do that underneath here. So it's interlocked underneath your club and then you pull them together.

Okay. Yep. Go ahead. This will be a long day. Yeah. So like this? Yeah. No, no, no. Just go like this. I'm trying. It's like confusing me though. Here we go. It's all right, kiddo. Here you go. Go like this and then it's going to go interlocked here. Your pinky is going to interlock with your top finger. I don't think that makes sense. No, it does. And it's so cold. There you go. Right there. Just like that. Okay. So hold it like that. Right. And then now, now wrap. Exactly. Oh my God. I just. Right. How does that feel? And then all you do now, all you do now is. Swing. Yeah. Just, just.

Back and through. Exact-- that looks great. Perfect. No, it really looks good. I'm being serious. They're not being facetious. Yeah, and then aim for the white ball. Good. Very good. - I'm really trying. - No, I know you are. It is good. - It's not moving. The ball won't get hit. - The ball isn't moving. You're moving. It won't. There it is. - Wow. - That'll do. - That'll do. Your turn. - Okay. - That's really freaking cool. - So-- and you could-- all you have to do is stay crouched down. - Uh-huh. - Put the ball here.

And then... Oh my god. Yeah, that's all you need to do. What are you looking for? Oh, my assistant. You have one? Two. I have two assistants. How much do you pay them? Each? Yeah. I think my male assistant, I pay... I think my male assistant, I pay 10 grand a month. My female assistant, I pay her 70% of that. Whatever that would be. Sounds...

So seven grand a month? Yeah. Yeah. Do you? What's that? Ten grand feels expensive. Ten grand a month for my guy assistant, seven grand for the female assistant because of, you know. She's obviously worse, right? No, she's much better. Okay. She's actually... He works less than her. She works significantly more. Yeah. Her output is higher. Yeah. Her intelligence level is higher. Her efficiency is higher. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't make the rules. Yeah, I know. Joe Biden does, dude. I'm just doing what the press says. I think that's fair. Yeah.

How is this going, dude? Is this good? Oh god, they're burritos. I didn't ask for a burrito. How's this been going so far? My life? Yeah, like, look, you've really taken off recently. Mm-hmm. The internet seems to like you. Yeah, a little, you know, we all have haters. Yeah, but I mean, the internet seems to like you. You seem to be having fun. Yeah, it's a lot of fun to sit here and do this for a job.

Is this full time? Are you planning on doing other stuff? It's full time right now. I have interviews every day this week. What are you interviewing for? Jobs. What jobs? I was thinking a coffee shop or a strip club. Don't take any offense to this. Yeah. You would be a terrible stripper. And that's, I don't know if that's a compliment or I don't mean it in a mean way, but you would not be a good, if you came out on stage and I was at a strip club, I'm booing and I'm leaving.

Boo! And I'm packing up. Do you go to strip clubs? I live right above a strip club. And you go in there often? You frequent it? Well, that's where my mail gets delivered, so I gotta go down there to grab something. Okay, do you like them? Strippers? No, strip clubs. Love strip clubs, love strippers. I'm pro-sex work. I believe that people need to do whatever they want to do. You don't like strip clubs? I don't. I don't fit in there when I try to go. I've been twice, though. You don't fit in in what way? Because you're tiny? No, because I don't know where to look.

There's just like a lot going on. You mean like you don't want to feel weird looking at the girls naked? Yeah. You can, it's okay. I don't, but I don't feel like it feels wrong for me to do that. Do I intimidate you? Mm-hmm. Wait, why? Wow, this tasted so good. What is that? The most delicious drink.

- Prime, Blue Raspberry. - Is that Blue Raspberry Prime? - It is. - Man, I bet you that tastes real good. Especially when it's warm outside on a golf course. - And it's 10% coconut water. - Tell me, it's 10% coconut water? Goodness gracious, Bobby Althoff, is that hydrating and delicious? - It was so hydrating, Andrew, thank you so much. - Yikes, this looks real good. Can I have some? - Yippee, of course you can, Andrew. - Thank you. Wow, this is good, Bobby.

Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs projects done well. I absolutely love this because you know if you own a home, it can be really hard to maintain. It's hard to find people that can help you for a big project or a small. Well, whether it's an everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now, all you need to do is answer that.

and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. Angie has over 20 years of home service experience, and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app, answer a few questions, and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish, or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly.

which means you can take care of just about any home project in just a few taps. Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Hey, everybody. My name is Bob the Drag Queen.

And I'm Monet X Change. And we are the hosts of Sibling Rivalry. This is a podcast where two best friends gab, talk, smack, and have a lot of fun with our black queer selves. Yeah, for sure. And you know, we are family. So we talk about everything, honey, from why we don't like hugs to Black Lives Matter to interracial dating to other things. Right, Bob? Yes, and it gets messy and we are not afraid to be racist.

wrong so please join us over here at sibling rivalry available anywhere you get your podcast you can listen and subscribe for free for free honey would you do you think you've become a full-time television and film actress at some point yeah actually is this the dream and goal yeah do you have anything that you want to put me in yeah okay oh yeah such as uh i'm working on this stripper biopic right now is that how you say that word

Biopic? You can say biopic or biopic. I've never heard biopic. Biopic? I've heard biopic. Yeah, that's the public school. That's why. You went to private school? I did. Must be nice. It was. How much was it a year? 38 grand a day, I think, is what my mommy paid. Your mommy? Yeah, my mommy and my pop-up. You call them that regularly? Well, my daddy is a guy that lives in Cuba.

He's my bad boy daddy. Or papi as we say it. That's Spanish. I don't know if you spoke Spanish. Are you married? Yeah. And she's okay with you having a daddy too? Yeah, dude, you should see how she lives. She lives good. She lives really good. Does he pay for her? He pays for everything for all of us. We don't have any kids, but this is crazy. Sometimes he'll bring us a kid and we'll like have a baby for a week. I'm enjoying this a lot. I thought, I've thought, are we gonna get on? Are we gonna get along? Yeah, answer is yeah.

Are we getting along right now? Huh? Are we getting along right now? Yeah, I think... Would you consider me a friend of yours now? After this? Okay, you want the real answer? Yeah. No. Why? Because... Are you going to get upset? Yeah, but just say it anyway. I think your sister seems cooler. She doesn't want to be your friend. Fucking... You know what? You look exactly like her boyfriend, by the way.

Is he a redhead? Yeah. Yeah. See, I just could feel she was cool. And you're chill or whatever, but here's the deal. If we were going to hang out as friends, like if you wanted to really be my friend, tell me where we'd go. You hate golf. Yeah. All right, so golf is gone. We'd go to a dinner. A big dinner with all of our friends. What kind of food do you eat? Anything. Sushi. I'm allergic. To all sushi. To going to sushi with people. I can have it alone, but I can't have it with other people.

I just saw a picture of you at sushi from last night. It's on your story. Did we post that? I just found out I had the allergy. This morning? Yeah, today. We just got the doctor's call, didn't we? What did he say? The doctor said, say it with me. Andrew, you have an allergy to public sushi meetups. Thank you. See? That we do. I would be your friend. Let's get pizza. Huh? Pizza?

What do you put on your pizza? That's gonna be a big determinant of whether or not we could actually get pizza. Like a chicken pesto pizza? What's wrong with that? That's dramatic. What do you put on yours? Pepperoni? You should go to prison for that. You should go to prison. You should be locked up in prison for some... A chicken pesto pizza? You should be locked up in prison for how dry your hands are. Which? Which? Which? Which? This is why we jail. This is why we jail people. For chicken pesto. A chicken pesto pizza? Taste it before you sit here and talk about it. Bobby, look at me. That's disgusting.

You don't want to go with Pep. Old school Pep. Even a Marguerite. I would do just an old school. Ew. Are you 26? Do I look older? Yeah. You do. How old are you? How old are you, Ed? What is Ed? Ed Sheeran. Oh, you think I look like Ed Sheeran? No. You look like a worse version of him. A worst version? Like worse W-U-R-S-T? I said worse. Like a German sausage? I said worse. I'm Italian and Irish. Okay. Ed. Ed.

Oh, you, okay, so you're gonna mock me and call me Ed because I have red hair. Okay. How old are you? No, I'm gonna let, I wanna let what you said sit for a second because it's rude and mean. Mm-hmm. And our, by the way, Ed Shee is a good bud. Yeah, and he's better looking than you are. Okay. Don't ever tell me I look older than I am again. Well, you do. Okay, well, you look, like, ugly, so I don't know. And guess what? I'll say it. The internet's been saying it.

You're fat. The internet doesn't even know who you are. The internet's been saying it. You're fat. And I, and it's like, every time I read, somebody goes, Bobby looks fat. And I go, this is mean. And this is disgusting behavior for the internet. But now that I'm up close and purse, fat. And that's why you wrote skinny white girl on the paper. Yeah. Try to make you feel good. Even though you're a fatty patty. I wouldn't be sure you don't want to eat right now. Fatty patty. I wouldn't be talking. What's is that your stomach grumbling?

I wouldn't be talking. No, you hurt my feelings. I was going doing fine and then you bullied me. You bullied me first? How? What do you mean? You call me Ed Sheeran? How old are you? That's fucked up of you to him to take that as an insult. No, you said Ed Sheeran but uglier. That's what you said. That was the insult. But you said, right now you said, you said Ed Sheeran.

Like, that's not an insult. No, it's not an insult, but you said uglier. When you add, yeah. I was referencing what we were talking about. Yeah. Well, that was an insult. You're like a rich, you like the, did you grow up with money? Is that why you like talking about money? No, I didn't. You talk about money a lot. Yeah, because I want a lot of money. What are you going to do with it? Everything that I want. I don't know. Buy nice things. Buy groceries. Yeah.

Well, you could buy groceries and you don't need to be rich to buy groceries. Actually, have you been to the grocery store? Yeah, I go at least once a week. Well, you do need to be rich to go to the grocery store. No, you don't. Yeah, you do. No, so everyone I see in a grocery store is rich? Is that what you're saying? If they can afford groceries every week, yeah. It's interesting. You're like for the people, but you have no idea what you're talking about.

How do I have no idea what I'm talking about? Because you don't need to be rich to buy groceries. I couldn't afford groceries when I was growing up, so... What happened? I do feel like the card would get declined and we'd put all the food down. Did you guys grow up poor? Where did you grow up? Paris, California. Yeah, go ahead, mock me. One of those shit towns with the wrong name? Yeah. Good place. Sorry.

That's so dumb. My dad still lives there, so if you could stop insulting me. I'm from London, Nevada. Are you poor shaming me? Hey, are you guys from Barcelona, Washington? Where are you from? Chicago. That's embarrassing. Why? I don't know. Name one bad thing about it, other than the shootings. Did you do hair and makeup before you came here? No, I woke up like this. You're funny. Why are you acting like you think I'm ugly? I know you don't.

No, I just want to put you in your place a little bit. I think if anyone deserves to be put in their place, it's you. If you were on time, I wouldn't have been mean. That's not true. You were mean before I even ever got to talking to you. That's true. Yeah, you were like, um, my name is Andrew Santino and I'm a very busy person and I can only do it at a golf course.

I've met way more successful people than you. Like who? Name one person you've done a pod with that's more successful than me. Go. Every single person I've done one with. You are by far the least successful person I've ever met. Name one. Go. Sukiana. More successful than you. Never heard of they. Next. Michael Cera.

The fucking lotion commercial guy? Mm-hmm. Pass. Okay. No thanks. He makes more money than you. It's not about money, buddy. Success. He is more successful. No one knows who you are. Everybody knows who I am, and it's certainly not... I'll go run across this range... Go do it. ...and ask these guys who know me. Go do it. Ask them where they know you from. I'm not coming, and I'm not looking either, because that's embarrassing.

Hey, man. What's your name? Mason. Mason. Can I borrow you for a second? Sure. Come with me for two seconds. My name's Andrew Santino. Have you ever seen the Bad Friends podcast with Bobby Lee, the little Asian guy, the little fat Asian guy and the red-headed guy? Yeah. And I do a show with him? Yeah. So I want you to chase after me and yell, Andrew Santino, Andrew Santino. Do it right now. Come on, do it right now. As loud as you can. Dude, leave me alone, dude. Please. That's enough, dude. You've got to leave me alone. Thank you so much. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'll get you afterwards. Thanks, buddy. Cheers.

Jesus Christ. That fan just chased me down. Yeah. That was annoying to say the least, but that's what happens when they, when the kids know you. Chase me down. Aggressive too, that guy. Lexi, what did he say over there to him? What did he say to him? Did he know who he was? No, these guys were all there. We have it on camera. Did he know who he was? Did he know who he was?

Yep. He did not. He did not know who you were. Sure did. Whose team are you on? Who pays your bills? You just watched him chase me down. Because you asked him to. I said, hey, how are you? He said, get over here. And I started running because I was scared. And I was like, I got to go be near Bobby. I'll protect you. No, you won't. I will. Do you want me to go fight him now?

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I'm gonna be honest, I appreciate that we're becoming friends and you're saying nice stuff like that. You couldn't physically hurt anybody. I could. No. Do you want me to go fight him? Here's what I want you to do. Punch my camera guy as hard as you can. Don't stab me with a pencil. That will be inappropriate. Don't stab me with a pencil. I don't want to be stabbed with a pencil. I haven't gotten my shots yet. I haven't gotten my booster. Please don't do that. Your booster? Let me get the booster.

Do you wear a mask when you go everywhere still? I'm talking about tetanus. Okay. The booster for tetanus, you get one? Yeah, dude. A lot of people get them. Like who? People who are afraid of getting stabbed by pencils? Mm-hmm. What do you do for fun? Um, I go on walks. I take my kids to the park. Okay. I take my kids to Disneyland. So you're at Disneyland all the time? I take my kids to the beach.

I take my kids to... What do you do for fun without kids? Oh, God. I take my sister... What do you do without kids or your sister? Oh, I don't go anywhere alone. Okay. Ever. Well... You like going places alone? I love going places alone. In fact, I... Eating alone holds for plane. Eating alone? Hold for plane. I don't hold for planes. They hold for me. Hold for plane. Hold for Bobby. They do not. They're going... Hold for Bobby. Hundreds of miles an hour. It stopped. They can't hold for you. It held. Did it really? It did. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

I have a lot more connections than you. That was Mark Cuban's plane flying, and I just text him, and I said, hold for Bobby, and he stopped. What would you text him, and what would he say back? I can text him anything, and he would reply. Hey, Mark Cuban, what are you doing? No, I'd say, hey, Mark, you want to be on my podcast again? And he'd go, kind of busy, dude. I own a fucking basketball team. He's selling it. Even still? Yeah. You think selling it is like a 10-second thing? Probably. I don't know. I'm not a billionaire. You will be one day. I know.

You'll be so sad. I won't be sad. You're going to be so rich and so bummed out. Why would I be bummed out? Because you're going to cut off ties to everybody. I won't. Including your sister, by the way. Not you. She's chuckling up now. I won't cut off ties to you, Andrew. Wait until she's back on her EBT card. She won't be laughing then when she's begging for bad fruit at the dollar store. This is your sister in a couple years. I would never cut her off. You guys have any eggs for me? That's your sister.

"Are there any eggs you were gonna throw away?" And they'll go, "Oh my God, is that Bobby Althoff's sister?" She goes, "I was." - And she's not anymore? - She's toothless. She'd be toothless and old. - Okay, Andrew. It sounds like you're projecting. Is that what you would do when you were a billionaire? - I'm scared that I'm gonna turn into that very soon. - I'm confident I'm not. - Into a billionaire? - No, stupid. I said into an asshole. - You're not gonna be an asshole then. You're one now. I think you'll fix yourself by then.

You're not, I'm... That was not funny. I'm sorry. You're right. Have you ever thought of getting Botox? No. I mean, sometimes I think I should fix, I have these pimple scars on this side. I think about fixing those, but then I think character. Yeah. Gives you a little bit of character. Because this is my growly side. Like if I'm on camera, this is like a bad boy side. And then this side's a little bit like, oh, that's a neighbor. Do you ever think of filling in your beard a little?

No, this just got trimmed out. Well, that's because my cat. My cat gets at my beard. Okay. And tears it right up. You have more eyebrow hair than you do beard hair. That's deliberate. Okay. You don't like my bushies? You don't like my bushies? No. Oh, someone sounds jealous. Because your shit looks thin. Mine do not look thin. They look thin. No, they don't. Do you thread them? No. I can tell. Who does your eyebrows? Myself.

Your stealth? My stealth? I didn't say that. You said my stealth. I did not say that. Are your parents both alive? Yeah. Good. What would you have said if I said no? I would have inquired more. I would say, how did they die? What happened? Okay. Are your parents alive? Huh? Are your parents alive?

I haven't gotten a letter in a long time, but I hope so. Did you know them growing up? I loved them. They've been out at sea for quite a long time. My dad built a boat and they've... Are you Irish? Sorry, yeah. My dad built a boat and disappeared a long time ago. Set out at sea on a voyage for whiskey. Are you Irish? Over the sea hills...

How did you know how to put on an Irish accent so quickly? Okay. I don't want you to do that anymore. All right. I was trying to think of questions for you, but I don't even know anything. No, I'm glad you're prepared. Thank you. I'm trying to get better at interviewing people. I think I have been. I got to know you a little bit. No, you're actually very, very good. For me, it goes Oprah, Bobby Althoff.

Have you ever been interviewed by Oprah? Ellen. Okay, down there. You're way above Ellen. Thank you. Larry King and Nick Cannon for some reason is in there. I don't even know why Nick Cannon's in there, but he's in there. Okay. I really like that guy. Do you know Nick? I haven't met him. Do you know Oprah? I've met Oprah once. I met the big O once.

But she didn't want to interview you? No, we met each other. I met her out in public. Oh. She was at a Jimmy John's. And she had no idea who you were. No, she knew who I was. That's not true. Don't act like Oprah knew who you were. Everybody from Chicago knows everybody from Chicago. It's kind of a thing. I've never met one person who knew who you were. Like, usually when I tell people... Her sister was, like, big fan when she came up to me. She was a big fan. There's no way she said that. She said big fan. Yesterday, she was like, wait, who is that? Where do I know him from? She said big fan. Did you say that? Yeah.

It's okay, kiddo. Big fan. Come on, let's go. What are you planning on doing with the last 20 years of your life? You're on your way out now. Well, I'm in a movie that comes out next month, and if that does well, I'll be okay. What movie? It's called Ricky Stineke, March 7th on Prime Video.

Featuring John Cena and Zac Efron and myself and Jermaine Fowler. Zac Efron? What's that you say? It's about a young three best friends. What do they do? Yeah, what do they do? Three best friends, they have to make up a fake friend their whole life as their alibi. And then they get older, they have to hire a real one. I can't tell when you're telling a real story. This is a real story. This is a movie. This is a movie called Ricky Stanecki. Comes out March 7th on Prime Video. Me, John Cena, Zac Efron, Jermaine Fowler.

Me, Zac Efron, and Jermaine Fowler are best friends. We have to make up an alibi when we're kids for some of the mistakes that we make. Then we get older and our wives and girlfriends want to meet this alibi that we've been blaming everything on. And we hire John Cena to play our alibi. It's directed by Pete Fairley, who directed Dumb and Dumber, Something About Mary. If you want me to post that whole thing, you have to pay for a promo spot in this because that was ridiculous. I'll pay. How much is it? Like at least $60,000. Okay. I'll call Amazon. I'll call Bezos.

He's an old bud. You have his number? I do. Can I have it? Well, shows your tax bracket. We don't have numbers, but we're reachable. You don't have a number? No, I don't have a number. Do you have my number? No, you don't. And that's because I'm reachable. I don't have a cell phone number. When you're in the B bracket or the billionaire bracket, we don't have cell phones. We have something else. We have communication waves that are open to those who are able to access them.

So you can access Jeff Bezos right now? Name a billionaire. I can access them. Name one. Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos, yes. Call him. Or access him. Access him. We don't call. I don't want to access him right now. Elon Musk. I don't have musky duskies anymore. He changed it. When he went to Austin, we stopped speaking. You've met him. Elon? Yeah. I played Zonk with him before.

What's that? You've never played Zonk? No, it's like, what is that? Again, you'll figure it out once you get there. Once you get to that tax bracket, you'll learn what Zonk is. Zonk is a dinner game that people play at wealthy dinners. You've never taken a helicopter and played Zonk with anybody? Oh, gee, I have. I just forgot. I was actually there last night. What other billionaires do I know? I don't know. You know. If you have a connection... Epstein, I knew him. How often did you go to his island?

Never, and that pissed me off. Because he didn't invite you? He never invited me once. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. I don't think I missed out on much. I don't think you did either. And I'm kind of glad you didn't. Because then I couldn't release this. I know, I know, I know. It's fake. Yeah, I didn't know him. Never met him. I'm not like you, dude. I don't know billionaires. You're the one that knows billionaires. I know billionaire. You probably know some crazy Illuminati shit. No, I don't. I bet you have baby blood in your car right now. Are you Lizard?

Raise your arms up to the sky real fast. Am I what? Are you a lizard? Are you part of the lizard people? Why would I be a lizard? What is that? Why do you know this? Okay. Nice try. This is how they get us. Let me see your tongue. Stick your tongue out real fast. Uh-uh. You wouldn't. This feels wrong. Just go real fast and let me see if you're a lizard. I'm not going to do that. Like that. People will take that and put that on OnlyFans if I do that. I'm not doing that. Would you ever do an OF? No. You wouldn't make much. I'm insulted.

You'd make a lot of money. I'm gonna do one just to prove it to you. What would be your OnlyFans? Well, I don't know. I heard I could just get people to subscribe and then never actually put anything up. I'll tell you what I'd pay for if you made an OnlyFans. I don't want to know. You just daily putting tape over your mouth. Every day. Just every morning. A different colored tape right over your mouth. I'd pay for that. Fully clothed. Outside. Nothing sensual. Just tape.

Red, blue, green, change it up. Slowly though, put it on there slowly. - Do you talk to your wife like this? - No, I love her. - Does she love you? - I don't know. - I don't think so. How long ago did you guys meet? - Well, we didn't really meet until the boat arrived. When she got off the boat-- - Do you ever just like say, give me an honest answer.

No, because you're going to make fun of me. You've been making fun of me the whole time. I have not. You make fun of me. Every time I give you an honest answer. You call me fatso. You've said some mean stuff to me today. I called you what? You made fun of me. You poor shamed me. You've done all of the things. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Back it up. When have I called you fatso? Not once. Not once did I call you that.

We have cameras. We'll check the tape. Yeah, let's just put it all together. Check the tape. One video of all the times you've called me that. All right, do you want me to be honest now? Yeah. You're not fat. You're a nice person, and it's been a pleasure meeting you. Do you think I'm pretty? No. Well, would you rate me on a scale from 1 to 10, just out of curiosity? On a scale from 1 to 10? Yes, you know. Let's not use the word scale with you, fat ass.

What would I rate you on a scale of... You just laugh at your own joke. It just makes me feel good to call you fat ass. Thank you. You should change your Twitter handle to Bobby Fat Ass. Okay. Answer the question one to ten. What would I rate you? Yeah. I don't know. Honest? Genuinely? Mm-hmm. Because for me, it's not about... Five is average. No, five is not average. Quite literally the average. Two or three is average. I'd rate you like a...

I'll be serious, honest. - Okay, go. - If five is average, I would rate you like, you're probably just a little below average. Like if I saw you out in public, I wouldn't, and you looked at me, I'd be like, ew, Lexi, that creep's looking at me, please. - You said she has a redheaded boyfriend.

So clearly you're not going to go, ew, to a redheaded guy. I'm going to say ew because I would think you're just like an unattractive guy trying to hit on me. If I looked at you? If you looked at me like you were... You're so full of yourself. That's insane. If someone glances at you, you think they're hitting on you? Yeah. So you think everybody's hitting on you? Pretty much. You think all these guys in the crew are hitting on you? Yeah, they're doing it right now. It's pretty weird. Wow. Yeah. I'm on your team now. I see it. This is disgusting. This is disgusting.

That guy's disgust. That's disgust. This guy should be ashamed of themselves. I know. Some of them are married too. These are pigs. They all are. Yuck. Do you think we got enough material for this? A six? That's so nice. You're a six. Thank you. Stop pitting on me. And it's hard to say that kind of stuff. I am flattered.

And you're like, you're a four. I'm just gonna say it. Fuck you. That's not mean. Fat ass. I'm not fucking four, you fat goon. That's not mean. I'm definitely a six. It's just, you're not a six. That's above average. What's your fucking sister's name? Lexi. Lexi, what am I? Honestly. Six, yeah? No, Lexi, that's above average. Don't lie to him. Shut up. Don't influence her. Do you think he's above average? Lex dog, six. Do you think he's above average? Thank you. She's saying that to be nice because you scare her, Ed Sheeran.

Is that an insult to Ed Sheeran? No, it's an insult to you. Dear Ed. Oh, Ed won't be on this show, I'll tell you that. He will. No, he won't. He will. He's got better stuff going on. I love him, and he will. Name one song. Name one Ed Sheeran song. What do you mean? Name an Ed Sheeran song. You love him? Go. You know that one? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that I know. Yeah, that song. Hold for the plane. Stop. Stop.

No, let it go by. It doesn't. No, I want it to stop for Bobby really quick. Okay. What size is the sweater? I don't know. I just stole it on the floor. Double XL. Fatty. Don't be mean to fat people. What is your problem? I'm not mean to fat people. I'm mean to you. When you get out of the car, do you go...

Don't be mean to fat people. When you get out of bed. I'm not mean to fat people. I'm mean to you. For being fat. Don't try to pull in. For being fat. Don't try to pull. You make fun of me. I make fun of you. That's how comedy is loved. I'm not making fun of you for something that's cancelable. What's cancelable about you being fat? That's your fault. You hating on fat people. Andrew Santino hates fat people. Some of them, yeah. No, I don't hate any fat people.

That's not true. My uncle Mark is fat as shit. That guy's a dick. Do you hate him? That guy is a dick. Do you hate him? No. I don't hate him at all. I love him to death. Do you hate me? I don't hate you, no. Hate's such a strong word, that's crazy. I don't hate you. You to me are... Do you think I'm fat? Do I genuinely think you're fat? Yeah, from the bottom of your heart right now. No. How much do you think I weigh? If you had to guess. More than you should.

more than... Here, let's write our answers. How much? Yeah, I'll write the real answer, you write the... The guess? The guess, and then we're going to show it because I don't want you to change your answer. But be so serious. Alright, I'll be serious. No, like genuine. Okay. What is this that I'm ripping up? It's a scorecard. That's how you keep score on the golf course. Alright. So you write your little number of how many strokes that you got. I genuinely think you probably weigh... Because I've taken into account everything. Your teeth, those lashes... They're my real lashes. Okay.

Yeah, I know, but you've got so much mascara on, you've gooped it on there, that's gotta be a couple pounds. It's very cleanly applied. I don't think so. I think so. That looks like spider legs with arthritis. There's bumps all over them. You wish your eyelashes looked like this. Please, I have beautiful eyelashes. Do you have any eyelashes? Look, look at how pretty they are. There's nothing there. I've been complimented about them my whole life. No one has ever said that. It's the one thing I do have. It's the one thing I do. Write my weight. And zoom in on my eyelashes, because they look great. I'll do. Okay, write it. Three, two... Hold on, dude.

I think your actual weight is... Okay, stop writing so much. Give me yours and I'll give you mine. Okay, one, two, three. Okay. Four pounds? Yeah. You're not four pounds. I just got weighed this morning. One, zero, obese. One, zero, obese. That's how much you weigh. No, your eyelashes do look good. Maybe it's... You know that maybe it's maybe... It is Maybelline. Maybe it's diabetes. You're gonna lose your vision soon. You keep it up. You're really making me sad. You might lose a limb.

You want to go get something to eat? You got to be hungry. This has been an hour. What do they got to feed you every like 20 minutes? Honestly, how long do you think you can go without eating? I don't like this game, Andrew. All right. You're hurting my feelings. This is mean. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. I take it out. I apologize. You don't take it out. How about this? You don't take it out. It's a bad joke. Yeah. That's a bad joke and I don't like it. It's not funny.

- I don't like it. Now that I think about it, I don't like it and I apologize. - So how much do you think I weigh then? - I'm sorry. - How much do you think I weigh then? - Too much, fucking cow. I knew you were coming to the driving range 'cause I heard you when you were walking over. - All right guys, thank you so much for this interview. I keep trying to do this and it just doesn't-- - Yeah, back it up. Put it in reverse. - Getting us out of here. - Just be careful on the hill 'cause I don't wanna tilt 'cause of your weight in the side of it. - It's broken.

Stop! You're scaring me! Okay. No, don't kick me! I'm trying to kick you out. Okay, I'll just get out. Thank you. God, Robert. Have so much fun. Get--don't hit me with the golf cart. Get out of here. Oh, that sounds the weight limit. That's what that sound means. This was fun.

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