Shownotes Transcript
This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK.
How do you make an Airbnb a Vrbo? Picture a vacation rental with a host. The host is dragging your family on a tour of the kitchen, the bathroom, the upstairs bathroom, the downstairs bedroom, and the TV room, which, surprise, is where you can watch TV. Now imagine there's no host giving you a tour because there's never any hosts at all. Ever. Voila. You've got yourself a Vrbo. Want a vacation that's completely and totally host-free? Make it a Vrbo.
Ever wanted to stay on vacation longer? Us too. With Vrbo's long stay discounts, you can stay longer and save more on select properties. Gotta love a win-win. Book the perfect summer getaway today with Vrbo Private Vacation Rentals. Your future self will thank you later. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This podcast contains strong language, just like real life.
Look at the happy faces. Listen to the applause. Well, well, well. It's Labour's first conference in government for 15 years. It's the weirdest circle jerk I've ever been invited to. The Prime Minister is taking to the stage. Let's see what he has to say. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Now.
We all know why we're here. Sausages. And I believe we all know what needs to be done. This government will play fast and loose with the breakfast of the oldest members of our society. Ha! If you need money, you can get a job. No freeloaders. After a turbulent week, this was Keir Starmer hoping to show who is in control of number 10. Hey! You will respect my...
Welcome, vampires, to this year's Grand Vampiric Council. It's Reform UK's big conference. We also have the immortal Princess of the Undead. The boats are still arriving. Oh, shit. Where the hell did she come from? The Spectator magazine has been supplying ballistic missiles to Russia.
Hey.
How you doing? You know, somebody allowed me to stay at their apartment. This is my apartment! People do, you know, stay at other people's apartments. Ah, finally an explanation. I don't believe I broke any rules. That, my friend, is what they call closure. Closure.
And we speak to a scientist who is helping upbeat Lib Dems to mate. Please welcome Keir Starmer. I just started growling a bit in his throat. I just touched his jaw a little bit and it sounded like sausages. At the Labour Party conference, Chancellor Rachel Reeves escaped through an open gate into nearby woodland. Yes. All OK? She's absolutely fine, other than a little bit tired. She was actually less than 200 metres from her habitat. She was found in a pond. Next month, I will deliver the first Labour budget.
In 14 years. And that means tough decisions. This will be tough. That is the Britain we're building. On the boulevard of...
Hello, everyone. It's time to play a game. Prepare yourself for some pain, said the Prime Minister. Greetings. I will be honest with you. Well, it seems the country has taken him at his word. There is no way out of this trap. Consumer sentiment, which powers the economy, has dropped like a stone. You have watched others suffer. There is a budget coming in October. Now it is your turn. And it's going to be painful. What I have planned for each of you...
It's very real. A painful budget. Short-term pay. Higher taxes. For long-term growth. I want to know if you have what it takes. They've started with taking money from pensioners. What does the really bad stuff at the budget look like? You will be put to the test. Light at the end of this tunnel. The tunnel is booby-trapped. It is.
Philip Schofield is returning to television where he'll be stranded on an island off Madagascar. Keir Starmer has told British nationals to leave immediately. At eight o'clock, are you being served? Harrods, everything, London.
The most interesting and beautiful store in the whole of Britain and one of the most famous in the world. Cameras and the ladies lose. Sexual harassment. Gross sexual misconduct. It wasn't a secret what he was doing. In the mould of Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein. Cover-ups. Deceit. Lies. Manipulation. Break. Underwear.
Lawyers say staff members working for Mr. Al-Fayed helped to enable and cover up his crimes. Sick predator. Abuser. Corporate sexual exploitation. Serial rapist. Mohammed Al-Fayed was a monster. He was a monster enabled by a system, a system that pervaded Paris. It's all coming out now, isn't it? And then tonight's late film is Little Shop of Horrors. Mohammed Al-Fayed was an apex predator. Mmmmm.
He would call one senior assistant and ask which girls were working that day. Then one of us would be summoned to his office. I think I was naive enough to think that he was giving them a career opportunity. I fell asleep and woke up with him basically telling me to relax. Some girls went to the police, but nothing ever happened because he was too powerful. No shit, Sherlock.
Mathematics is the language of nature. The numbers, have you seen the numbers now? Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. We have the best numbers in maybe ever. We see the simplicity of the circle. They're saying ever, I read this morning. We see the maddening complexity of the endless string of numbers. The best numbers ever. Something's going on. You know, they talk about numbers. It has to do with numbers. You can double those numbers, maybe triple those numbers. There's an answer in that number. Millions, it's the millions.
It's so much worse than the numbers that you're getting, which are fake numbers. What was the number it spit out? It's a big number. You have to give us the number. 250 billion or more. What is it? 100, 1,000, or 216? Bigger number than that. You have the number? The biggest number ever. Will you memorize it? No, those numbers don't register. In other words, they don't count. I'm sure you've written down every number. We did a lot of it.
And we were getting very low numbers. When your mind becomes obsessed with anything, you will filter everything else out and find that thing everywhere. 320, 450... The real number is 325... Whatever. But as soon as you discard...
scientific rigor. I like the numbers being where they are. You're no longer a mathematician. Numbers that nobody's ever heard of in politics before. You're a numerologist. And when you add it all together, total respect for Donald Trump's very, very large brain. You know numbers like that. You know numbers like that. You know numbers like that.
The whole Sue Gray saga refuses to go away. Dear Journal.
She was drafted into number 10. Sue Gray is no fan of the Spat group. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth breathers, it only comes back stronger. The woman, chief of staff at Keir Starmer, is on more money than apparently is calling all the shots. Just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little showbiz cruise.
I'm all about empowerment. I empower a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror. She's given herself a pay rise at the same time that other civil servants aren't getting a pay rise. I want to pit these kids against one another, am I clear? If you've got aides running around briefing against other aides, there's only so much you can do. Baddie!
She knows a lot about the skeletons in the closet. The only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards. I can only think this is a concerted power struggle to force into hell. You can't stand it. You can't stand to see a woman in a position of power. Don't stop me.
You're about to enter the world of the weasels. Welcome to Reform Conference 2024. The weasel family is one of the most successful groups. Reform UK is the fastest growing political party in the United Kingdom. Weasels respect territorial boundaries. Let's slash immigration. We are full. Perhaps the most important feature of a weasel.
are the anal glands. I want my country back. They are used to communicate. I was voted the worst man in Britain by the Daily Mirror. A weasel will attack prey much larger than itself. The mainstream parties are scared of us and so they should be. Weasels are opportunists with an attitude. I will do my absolute best as a member of Parliament. Weasels have a unique ability to hide. You won't be doing physical surgeries in practice. Not yet. The weasel is slippery. Have you been advised for your own security not to hold surgeries? I would have thought that would make sense, wouldn't you? Once again, a
quick-witted weasel has escaped holly valance would you help her be an mp of course i really like nigel and i love her she's wonderful but starmer got elected with no love at all the labor party is the same stale old crap it's just ridiculous i absolutely agree with that now i'm just living this far right thug life you know what i'm saying to be honest i'm sure that's right i've got amazing legs and fantastic feet by the way there is that thing called free speech it's
Mwah.
The prisons are full to bursting, but the early release scheme is under fire for failing domestic violence victims. Don't you see the danger inherent?
And what you're doing here? Not without risk. That's why we're taking extreme precautions. 30% of prisoners on release are known domestic abuse perpetrators. Anybody hear that? What can we really expect when they are released? I think things are a little bit different than you and I had feared. Yeah, I know. They're a lot worse. Criminals have been released from jail early but haven't been fitted with an electronic...
What the hell, what the hell, what the hell? ..despite the device being part of the terms of their release. Something's wrong. There's little opposition to the scheme at Westminster as the plans were drawn up by the Conservatives earlier this year. You know, you read what others had done and you took the next step. A prisoner who was released is already back in jail on suspicion of two counts of breaching a restraining order...
and one counts of assault. Yeah, your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think of the shot. Think of the shot. Think of the shot. Think of the shot. Think of the shot. Think of the shot. Think of the shot.
Israel's military has begun an investigation after some of its soldiers were filmed throwing several bodies from a rooftop. Anger. Sing, goddess. The anger of Achilles, son of Peleus. It happened after an exchange of fire during a raid against Palestinian gunmen. But deadly destiny shackled Hector where he was. In the town of Kabatir. Outside Ilium, in front of the Scyan Gate.
Under international law... Let us call on the gods to witness an agreement. Soldiers are obliged to ensure that bodies, including of enemy fighters... If Zeus grants me staying power and I kill you... Are treated with respect. I will not violently maltreat you. Under the Geneva Convention, dead bodies must be treated decently. Hector, I'm never going to forgive you.
So don't talk to me about agreements. The army didn't allow ambulances to come to them. Lions don't come to terms with men. The wolf doesn't see eye to eye with the lamb. The dead were just left there. They are enemies to the end. The army desecrated their corpses. Swift-footed Achilles replied, The dogs and birds of prey will divide you up, leaving nothing.
So Achilles, in his fury, disfigured godlike Hector. A spokesman for the United Nations called the video grotesque and inhumane. Such were the funeral rites of horse-taming Hector. Hey, Ma! The boys and bodyguards are coming home in pieces!
Alexa, who twisted the skewer? The skewer was twisted by John Holmes, Katie Sayre, Ali Panton, Dan Phillips, Dave Wall, Bill Lindsay, Henrik Persson, Uwe Morhinsson, and Tony Charneside. Additional material, Grace Millie, Katie Walker, Liz Ryan, David Rifkin, Luke Hoskisson, John Upton, Paul Carney, Garth Upton, and Kevin Smith. The producer was John Holmes. The skewer was an unusual production for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds.
This is the story of the king's new clothes. The prime minister. Now there was once a king. Previously defended the £100,000 he'd received in donations for clothing. Who was absolutely insane about new clothes. And gifts and hospitality. The word spread quickly. The Daily Mail says his popularity has fallen by 26 percentage points since the election. Yet, admiring himself in the mirror, the king believed he looked magnificent. Plenty of...
slapping but they haven't announced any actual policies at this conference ah but only clever people can see them thought the king we're not going to hear about the 10-year plan for the nhs until the spring of course no one could see the close at all social care we know there's going to be this royal commission that hasn't even been announced yet all the king's footmen gulped because they couldn't see a thing the ethics and integrity commission he promised there too you know we haven't seen any action none of them would admit that because no one wanted to declare himself a
There's probably quite a bit of head scratching from delegates. Until a small child cried out... Look at the king! Look at the king! Look at the king! The king! The king!
Kirsten has no plan, no answers, no solution. The king is in the altogether, but altogether, the altogether, he's altogether as naked as the day that he was born. Because conference, one of the other things that gave me great joy as a kid was the pebble dash ceremony. She was indeed quite, quite naked. There were millions of working people confident in that sausage. Thank you, conference. The end.
Hello, I'm Randy Feltface, a purple puppet from Australia, and I have managed to infiltrate BBC Radio 4 to bring you my very own four-part series about how to speed up climate change and end the planet as quickly as possible. Dear BBC, when, oh when, will you stop providing a platform to puppets? If you've never seen me before, Google Satanic Spawn of Barney the Dinosaur and you'll get the direct line to the email.
The point is, the planet is getting hotter. We're on track for mass extinction and I want to see it happen. It's Randy Feltface's Destruction Manual. Available now on BBC Sounds.