Shownotes Transcript
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The latest for us from London. Why call this election now and what has the reaction been like? So he came out in the pouring rain. Some people said he's not so much drenched as drowning. Some people are calling it political suicide. A kamikaze decision. And those are from some of his own party members. We run ourselves aground!
If, by your art, you have put the wild waters in this roar, allay them. The sky, it seems, would pour down stinking pitch. The hour has now come. Mix. Five, four, three, two... Show me the figures. Cuts. And as Big Ben strikes ten, the exit pole is predicting a Labour landslide.
It's only the Conservatives that have a plan. Say plan again. The Labour Party have got no plan. Say plan again. Hopefully you can see that the plan is working. Say plan again. I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker. Say plan one more goddamn time. Here's Starmer. Say it, motherfucker. No plan.
I love it when a plan comes together. We're streeting from labour with us. The implosion of the Conservatives has put wind in labour's sails. Sure, OK. But the only reason we've got sails on the ship... Uh-huh. ..and the ship is ship-shaped... Not making any sense. ..Kirstarmer took the vessel from the shipwreck in 2019... When is nap time? ..rebuilt it... Please stop talking. ..and made it ship-shaped.
You know, ship-shaped and seaworthy again. You are without doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of. Jacob Rees-Mogg. Perhaps Mogg will win a prize, said Moe. Has lost his North East Somerset seat. Mogg had had a very bad day. Jacob William Rees-Mogg. Everyone clapped and cheered. That's Mogg's head, he's gone. Mogg sat in the dark and thought dark thoughts. A conservative party. Goodbye, Mogg, said Moe. You've got to give him that hock, too. LAUGHTER
Former Prime Minister Liz Truss has lost her seat. She's refused to give a concession speech. That is a disgrace. The Liberal Democrat leader, Ed Davey. Ed the duck. What's going on with all this nonsense? This is all part of the Ed experience. Ed Davey, thank you very much. Nice weather for ducks. 34 to 46.
The optics of that announcement, pouring rain, were hopeless. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Earlier today, I spoke with His Majesty the King to request the dissolution of Parliament. Attack ships on fire. Show me why. The King has granted this request. I watched TV...
Glittering doubt in me ten hours again. And we will have a general election on the 4th of July. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. It's been nothing short of a massacre for the Conservative Party. Time to die. Time to die.
Mr Johnson, where have you been this election for Tories? # Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son? # For Tories, you've not helped them campaign, Mr Johnson. Is it because you think Labour are going to win? # Where have you been, my darling young one? # After weeks of campaigning, guess who finally showed up? Good evening! Good evening! Thank you very much. He left it late, very late, with only one day's campaigning left. Boris Johnson finally came to the aid of his party.
There's only one thing you do. Fate can shove it in. I'm going to fall for it.
So on a Friday, I will not do a work-related thing after six o'clock. Right. Can we all just have a nice Friday night dinner? I love you. Your face annoys me. I'm a stupid, stupid dad. So today I sat down with Britain's Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer. I'm really pleased to meet you. You've been gifted a historic majority. Lovely. The kind of majority that you get once in a generation. We didn't have anything as kids. I get that. My dad was a toolmaker. I totally get that. And, er...
My mum used to ask me to go out and pinch stuff. Right. And I'd be pinching leeks and cabbages and turnips and bringing it home. That was my early life. Nothing nice. Nothing nice. My dad was a toolmaker. So you said. His dad would send him out into the streets for bare-knuckle fights against other kids. My dad was a toolmaker. Yeah, OK, we fucking get it.
The loony left accuse Nigel of dog whistle politics. WHISTLE BLOWS Where's the evidence? I bid you welcome to another series of One Man and His Dog. I'm Nigel Farage. WHISTLE BLOWS After a bit, he'll go, ''Right,'' when you whistle right. The idea that, you know, eight-year-old Johnny, who's white... Good work. ..is told he's an oppressor, and the eight-year-old black boy is told he's a victim. WHISTLE BLOWS They're going to take the command from the master. Being called a racist now is so boring. WHISTLE BLOWS
Let's get rid of all of this nonsense about diversity. Right with one wish. Young Muslims are being radicalised. Getting them in a panic. And you wonder why you can't get a GP appointment. He thinks he's got them in hand. Such a breath of fresh air, Nigel Farage. Aim to be the biggest party in the country by 2029. Tremendous shepherding, this is. This ought to be the immigration election. It's always exciting. BEEP
He's wanting to convince you of the old fellow you'll never give up. I will not surrender. Generations of inbred wisdom. I just think Clackson will be great again. The question of what Sikir Starmer thinks of Jeremy Corbyn keeps cropping up and seems to make him very uncomfortable. I haven't spoken to Jeremy Corbyn for two and a half years now. Is he a friend? Was he a friend? No. This very night before the cock
In 2020 he was a friend. He's a friend and he's led us through some really difficult times at the Labour Party. You will have denied three times that you even know me. As I say, I haven't spoken to him for two and a half years. You're one of his followers. Not in the sense that we went to visit each other or anything like that. He is one of his followers. I worked with him as a colleague. You said he would make a great Prime Minister. Did you mean it? It wasn't a question that really arose because I didn't think we were going to win the election.
I tell you I don't know him!
How will the Euros affect this election? Hello and welcome. We're Alan Shearer, Michael Richardson, me, Gary Lineker. We've been building up for this for quite some time now and the excitement is certainly very high. Was there ever any chance for Sunak out there on the campaign trail? You know, he's been left isolated a lot of the time. I feel for him a bit. Sunak announced his newly devised pledge to reintroduce mandatory national service for all 18-year-olds. It was just desperation. I mean, it was...
It was desperate. The moments we're referring to in this are bad moments, so let's find out what they are. Rishi Sunak's in the Titanic quarter in Belfast, so local reporters asked him if he was sailing a sinking ship into the election. Whoa, what a known goal there! The Prime Minister walking out on the nation's veterans. What an experience!
Where are Labour in all of this? On the right-hand side to stop a counter-attack coming from the left. Jeremy Corbyn's confirmed he'll stand as an independent candidate in the general election. They've got to address the situation on the left. Sir Keir Starmer's delivered the Labour Party manifesto and there are no surprise policies. It wasn't particularly inspiring and a little bit unconvincing. It's the first head-to-head debate in the 2024 general election with these two men, Rishi Sunak...
And Keir Starmer. I thought both teams were really poor. Should you always aim for maximum humbleness? Sky TV. So that was something that we never had growing up, actually. When I grew up, my dad was a toolmaker. He worked in... No. Will Labour win the election? I can't see any other result. Probably winning comfortably. Right, that's it. I enjoyed that. Yeah, it was fun.
Guess who's on for the government today? Hey, Mel! It's Mel Stride. I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel. Mel Stride. Sideshow Mel. Mel Stride. Sideshow Mel. Mel Stride, you're on more often than I am. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants and cracked my buttocks with a hammer. In fairness, it wasn't as if it was completely out of the blue, Mr Stride. Oh, I never...
This programme...
Prime Minister's Question Time! Mr. Strada, you have become the trusted voice of the Conservative Party. It'll be... What?! That's the first time I've heard a concession speech from a sitting government minister the day before an election. All I can be is myself. Almost all your cabinet colleagues think calling the election early was a mistake. Believe me, all of us have thought about killing him. Thank you.
That's me. That's David.
The last decade or so has been particularly brutal for the Lib Dems. This is my hero's journey. Being in coalition government, for me at least, and for a number of my colleagues, was extremely difficult. You don't have to explain anything. It was just a flame. Only half of Britons have actually heard of Ed Davies. You're a stuntman. No-one's going to notice whether you're here or not. I'm at war from a tall building
The paddleboard event, the bungee jump event, the teacups. Edward Jonathan Davey is duly elected. You said your middle name was Danger. Here's Ed Davey drumming in a care home while sitting on an exercise ball in Hampshire. I'm just a stunt guy. Trying to recall the pink car. He did like the log flume thing. I had no choice. I had to do something. Ed Davey has milked a giraffe. I'm just a stunt guy. The Liberal Democrats have had a very good night. One last time. Going down in a blaze of glory. Didn't even have to paraglide in.
Yeah!
Put your questions to Rishi Sunak now. Well, this is your opportunity to put your calls and your questions directly to that man, Rishi Sunak. Smile, look pretty, say my lines. Amanda, go ahead. You're through to the Prime Minister. Good morning. Good morning, Prime Minister. I question how well do you think the campaign is going so far? We've got everything under control. Thank you, Amanda. Olivia in Newcastle. Go ahead. Currently we have three million people using food banks. Golly gee shucks. What makes you think I would give two fucks about this?
Shut up.
You're fucking mouth, young lady. Thank you. Let's go to the next question. Teresa's in Ladbroke Grove. Teresa, you're on the radio. Good morning. Leaving D-Day early is going to go down as a historic mistake. You can't really stand there and pretend that things are going well. I really can't do whatever the fuck I want.
Awad is in Barnard. Joanna Brazeman saying that she'd welcome Nigel Farage into the Tory party with open arms. Who wants a creamy, delicious milkshake? Nigel Farage, the leader of Reform UK, has had a drink thrown in his face while out on the campaign trail.
Time for a milkshake thumbs up. Now this has happened to him before. Keep up the good work. They hit me in the face. Oh, look at that face. Oh, that's a lovely picture. A man has been arrested after some objects were thrown at Nigel Farage. And I think it deserves a... Thumbs up! Reform leader says he believes it was wet cement. Wet is better than dry as it sticks together. I can do better.
Let's just talk about the Conservatives and the SNP. No, you can't. It is intense public dissatisfaction with the government's record. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. The SNP have got a dismal record in government. Anything you can be, I can be greater. Boris Johnson would resign today. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. Nicola Sturgeon announced her intention to resign. No, you can't. Yes, I can.
Will Liz Truss outlast Oletis? Hamza Yousaf had decided the best thing for him to do was resign. Any note you can reach, I can go higher. Rishi Sunak doesn't have a mandate. John Swinney, the sole nominee of the SNP. Oh, you can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Did Boris Johnson mislead Parliament over Partygate? Oh, you can. Yes, I can. A unanimous yes from the Privileges Committee. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Nicola Sturgeon has been arrested. The SNP reduced from 38 to 9 MPs. The Conservatives' worst performance in history. Because it wasn't easy for us. My dad was a tall maker. He worked in a factory all of his life. My mum... When I was growing up,
My dad was a toolmaker, worked in a factory. And my mum... Your mumma was a snowblower! We didn't have a lot when we were growing up. My dad was a toolmaker, he worked in a factory.
Your mother was a lizard! My dad worked in a factory. He was a toolmaker. My dad worked in a factory. Very good toolmaker. He was a toolmaker. We didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up. When I grew up, my dad was a toolmaker. He worked in a factory. It's true. My mum... Your mother sucks cocks in hell. Which actually isn't a laughing matter. We couldn't make ends meet.
The Metropolitan Police is investigating a series of bets that senior MPs and officials allegedly placed on the general election. Because they're the morons who give you the most trouble. You're nobody.
The Gambling Commission is now investigating many more people than the Conservatives already named. You can spot these assholes by watching the way they bet. Rishi Sunak's closest parliamentary aide... Like this guy. ..placed a £100 bet on a July election just three days before the Prime Minister named the date. He wasn't so fucking greedy, he'd have been tough for the spot. Since then, we've had some other names come out. But in the end, they're all greedy. A flurry of bets. BOOM!
Turns out this guy and his fucking pals, they were knocking this place dead for years. Did you have any inside information when you made the bet? I could really make a huge error of judgment. You're fucking right you made a bad mistake. That's for sure, and I apologize. If you come back here, we're going to break your fucking head and you won't walk out of here. You see that fucking saw? I will not be expanded on that statement. I'm just curious. It's an independent process. Can you do it with your left hand? The gambling commissioner looking at it now. Can you do that with both hands? It's an independent process with the gambling commissioner. Ah!
Don't forget to tell your friends what happens if they fuck around here. These are all senior Tory figures. We had to make an example of these pricks that the party was over. And where does this leave Rishi Sunak? Throw him out in the alley and just tell the cops he got hit by a car.
Is that a sign and a flavour of things to come? Oh, undoubtedly, once Labour's honeymoon period is over, all politicians are all the same. From now on, my government will fight to deliver change. In fact, if I'm honest, my government will drain away your hope and spirit every day. Changing a country is not like flicking a switch, but have no doubt that the Labour Party will look down this nation brick by brick by
by brick. Make no mistake, whoever you are, if you play by the rules and work hard, will sacrifice every single person, whether they voted for us or not. All politicians are the same. Out of touch, out of control. All politicians are the same. This country should go up in flames.
This is the White House Situation Room, heading to connect Prime Minister Starmer to President Biden. You are now connected to Air Force One. Okay, thank you. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Thank you, Mr. President. I just want attention. It's been a long night and day. Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So...
I'm very much looking forward to seeing you in Washington and having the opportunity, obviously, to sit down properly. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Which obviously... I tied an onion to my belt. ...been busy appointing my cabinet. That starts you at every turn. The special relationship is obviously the bedrock always has been. You ain't getting it. Everybody wants something for nothing. Why I go in and out of comas all the...
There is, look, standing outside the shed at Lanyard. The First Minister of Wales, Horne, getting... Waiting for something to do. He's been under intense pressure. And you'll very likely burst a feedpipe. Over his decision to accept this £200,000 donation from a convicted criminal. Oh dear, die there as a stickler for regulation. There's also been a row over deleted messages and the sacking of one of his ministers. After that, things began to go wrong. There's been a succession of...
stories. Here's a problem then. He faced a no confidence vote. What do you reckon we ought to do? The First Minister needed the support of all his members but he didn't get it. And whatever thoughts he was thinking they were sad thoughts. At one point Mr Gething was brought to tears. One single tear welled up in his window
and fell onto the sleeping. Yet Vaughan Gething insisted he wasn't going to resign. Oh, die, it's a problem, isn't it? Oh, I don't mind. Both Labour and Plaid Cymru have claimed historic sets of results. All right, I won't boast. The share of the vote slipped significantly and the turnout was, in general, low. They certainly don't seem very interested. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Fear's worries for you, isn't it? Sigh.
I believe that the single biggest question facing British politics today is who is Keir Starmer? I'm sleeping with him. It takes getting used to and it's very, very uncomfortable. Tell me again, why are we voting for this guy? Because everybody's fallen out with the conservatives. The truth was there were no other candidates in sight. It's a result that's been described as a loveless landslide. Oh!
I love that.
I don't want to join the Conservative Party. I think the better thing to do would be to take it over. You're saying it's a virus. No, fungus. Viruses can make us ill, but fungi can alter our very minds. Oh, well, that makes sense. There are some fungi who seek not to kill.
But to control. Take back control. The fungus also grows underground. What I'm good at is getting grassroots energized. Tory party has been basically eaten into by reform. You eat enough of it, it'll get you infected. Those few bad apples that have crept in. Millions of puppets with poisoned minds. Well, we'll find out later whether they're actually...
Permanently fixed on one unifying goal. And whether they worked in conjunction with Channel 4. This is simply the beginning on a journey to elect Nigel Farage as Prime Minister. You think the whole world revolves around him? That he's worth everything? So if that happens... And we will do it. We lose. This is what happens when you fuck with fate.
This is a choice about who governs our country for years. Think about what that will mean for you and the impact that we'll have. Look, it's not overselling it to say that the fate of the universe is at stake. It's about Keir Starmer. He's a plague. He invades planets. If these polls are right. Takes what he wants. And labor in power with a super majority. That makes him the strongest creature in the whole universe. No one to hold them accountable. Wipes out half the population. No one to stand up for them. He could destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt.
If you hand Labour a blank cheque... If he gets his hands on all six stones... You will not be able to get it back. Tell me his name again. Kirsten. We're toast. You have to think about what that will mean. A Labour government unchecked. I am inevitable.
I have just returned from Buckingham Palace where I accepted an invitation from His Majesty the King to form the next government of this great nation.
I will lead with hope. Hope of a better future. Just what makes that little old man. Change begins. Think he'll move that property plan. My dad was a tool maker and worked in a factory. Oh, not this shit again. Change the record. He's got violence. A stable economy. Violence. 6,000 new teachers. Violence. An NHS back on its feet. Violence.
So anytime you're getting low... Just answer this yes or no. Just remember that... £28 billion of capital investment in our country's green transition. That figure has effectively stood down. There goes another rubber tree plant.
Penises. Vaginas. Sort of, you know, wah. Alexa, who twisted the skewer? The skewer was twisted by John Holmes, Katie Sayre, Ali Panton, Alice Bright, Dan Phillips, Cooper, Moe Heeswalt, Dave Wall, Henry Person, and Tony Churnside. Hi!
Additional material Helen Brooks Eleanor Hayward Kate Ibbotson Nicky Roberts Mark Daniels David Rifkin Pete Redfern Gareth Creedy Jamie Byrne Kevin Smith David Whitehead John Upton Adrian Fisk and Jed Huttons The producer was John Holmes. The secure was an unusual production for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds. You're going to see a box of fruit falling. Inch out of all down. What do you do? Tell it to us in the station.
I'll deliver all and promise you calm seas. Because no matter how fierce the storms of history. Or suspicious gales. One of the great strengths of this nation. Gentle breath of yours my sails must fill. Has always been our ability to navigate away to calmer waters. Or else my project fails. The sunlight of hope. Yet hark.
Another storm brewing. I hear it sing in the wind. Shining once again. A foul bombard. On a country with the opportunity. And if it should thunder as it did before. After 14 years. I know not where to hide my head. To get its future back.
Are you watching closely? Every magic trick consists of three parts. The rabbit out of the hat. The first part is called the pledge. Those pledges were made. The magician shows you something ordinary. A deck of cards. One card in your hand. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it. Look carefully at this. If you see it, it is indeed real. This isn't your first pledge card. The second act is called
The Prime Minister we have is a living U-turn. So far as the pledges are concerned, what I've had to do is obviously adapt some of them. This is a guy who said he's going to re-nationalise utilities. It's gone. Who won't find it? The House of Lords abolition, gone. The abolition of universal credit, gone. Abolition of tuition fees, gone. There were a number of pledges under each pledge. But you wouldn't clap yet because making something disappear isn't enough. You said you want to restore trust in politics. You have to bring it back.
Why should people trust you when you've abandoned so many of the pledges that you made? Now you're looking for the secret. A few pledges have been adjusted. You've pledged not to raise taxes on working people. Where the facts change, it's important that we adapt our decisions. Every magic trick has a third act. A Labour government is not a magic wand. I will lead with confidence and with hope. It is the honour and the privilege...
Of my life. You want to be. For years, a witness's evidence has been locked away. I've seen the dark side. He warned a chemical is coming. It's a silent killer. And that he was a target. Forced into a witness protection program. We're Dan Ashby and Lucy Taylor, two investigative journalists, joined by the Hollywood star Michael Sheen. Do you think someone's going to try and kill us?
From BBC Radio 4, an unsettling investigation into a chemical secret unravels. They don't have any record of him. What? Listen now to Bury the Last Witness on BBC Sounds.