E935 Ask Nick - Help! My Brother Is A H*e!
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How's it going? It's good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Ashley and I'm 34. How can I help Ashley? So my brother is a hoe. Okay. Well, and why is that a problem? To give a little bit of backstory, obviously my brother and I are five years apart. He's younger. He's older. He's older. Okay. Yes. We've gone through parts of our relationship where we're really close parts of our relationship where we're not close. And he's

He currently lives overseas. He's lived overseas for the past five-ish years. To give a little bit of backstory, I found out I was pregnant in 2023. I have a 17-month-old. Congratulations. Thank you. Congratulations on River. She's adorable. And so my sister-in-law actually found out she was pregnant the month after. So we have babies that are a month apart. It's great. I love it. Your sister-in-law being your- My brother's wife. So he's cheating on her?

Yes, that came out. So they were going through the IVF process and he, she actually got an STD. So yeah,

They had to clear all that up because they were going through IVF. My sister-in-law had some fertility issues, obviously. So she thought this was kind of like her only chance to have a kid. So she went through the IVF process. Everything had come out that he was cheating on her. And then when she was pregnant, it had come out that he had been cheating on her for the entirety of their relationship.

And so because he lives overseas, he's taken advantage of things that aren't legal in the United States that are legal where he lives. Like what? So like, I guess like massage parlors and stuff like that. And I think he was also meeting other women on the internet. So he was going to the local big city, going on dates. Meanwhile, my sister-in-law is at home pregnant.

At home where? So they live overseas. Okay. So she lives with him. Yeah. She will. She doesn't anymore, but she does. Or she did that. So when all of this came out, she obviously moved back to the States, had the baby. My sister-in-law keeps a great relationship with my mom. So they can see my niece grow up. But I...

I have received and my husband has also received multiple DMs from multiple women telling us that we need that I need to control my brother, that my husband needs to control his brother in law and stop him from spreading his STDs. What are these STDs? I don't know. I haven't had that conversation with my brother.

So because he lives overseas, it's difficult to communicate with him because he's sleeping when I'm awake. So I kind of just needed some advice when it comes to he's gone through waves of ghosting my parents and my mom simply just wants to talk to him like, how is how is your day? How was work? How's life?

that's the end of that. But he doesn't always respond. So I kind of just wanted some advice on how to kind of keep to maintain that relationship. And then also, I don't really have a relationship with him right now because I don't love obviously what he did. And then I also think that it's just difficult because of the time difference. Is he in contact with his, I'm assuming they're divorced now? Yes.

So they are not legally only for benefits. Once she gets a job, then she'll go through with all of that. But she hasn't been able to get a job because she's taking care of their daughter and then living with her parents. Okay.

And she does keep in contact with your brother? For the sake of their daughter, yes. Your brother's just kind of a loser, huh? Yeah. And this is like never, this all had just come out within the past like two years. Like if you would have said my brother would have done this, he was a little bit of a late bloomer in like the dating world. So I don't, like if you would have told me this 10, 15 years ago, I would have been like, yeah, no, he doesn't have, my husband was like, really? Like he has, we didn't, we weren't aware of this game that he had. Wow.

Well, how, I mean, have you followed up with any of these random messages from these women that my husband did? And so my husband had said that he followed up with, he got a LinkedIn DM to have us to try and control my brother from spreading his STDs, which I don't know what they were. And I think he followed up and I think it was just like STDs plural. Yeah.

I don't, maybe one, maybe two. I never had that conversation because that's not a conversation I'd love to have with my brother. But he followed up and I think it was just like a girl that was confused. She was just confused. She thought that my brother had loved her, that they were together. How much, if at all, have you addressed your brother about his behavior? I have not. My parents have. And my...

parents have kind of made it seem like he knows that he did wrong. Um, but then he just goes home and keeps doing it. Okay. Cause he did come to the States last summer and we had a big conversation and he did meet his daughter. Um, but it was just like, like he wasn't there for her birth. No, he was not. Okay.

so he he met his daughter and i think he tried to get off um but he just couldn't he couldn't what's he doing for work he's in the military okay i mean thank you for your service but like is he like an active combat what do you mean he couldn't get off i don't know i guess you know i mean i i know the military is a different animal but like yeah i feel like the let let dad's

be there for the birth of their children usually? Yeah, I don't know why. He didn't really give me any explanation. Gotcha. And how involved is he really when it comes to being a dad? I don't think he's very involved. My mom actually had spoken with him recently and she said that he was possibly trying to make an Easter basket for my niece, but I don't know to what extent.

How direct do you think your parents are? They're not. I think, I mean, my mom feels a lot of guilt. She feels like it's kind of her fault because I mean, my parents, just because she raised him. Fair enough. But you know, he is an adult, but I don't think continuing to coddle this guy is the answer. No, no. And I don't think that he was coddled by my parents at all. Like he definitely recognized his mistake, but I've had conversations with my sister-in-law where she,

Because, I mean, they're still married. She has access to their joint bank account and she can kind of see his spending. And, I mean, she doesn't care, obviously, now who he's like with, but she sees the charges on his bank statements. So she can kind of track where he goes. He's just getting jerked off by the suits. Jesus. Well, I mean, I don't know how much...

You know, you said that's not the type of conversation I want to have with my brother. Well, maybe that's the type of conversation he needs to hear. He probably doesn't want to have that conversation with his sister anymore that you want to have it with your

brother, but like you, you have the advantage of not being the one who should be embarrassed by their behavior, you know? So, I mean, if you're actually willing to do something, you know, I, you could reach out. My husband and I were thinking about going because he goes to like the nearest big city often. And my, my husband and I were thinking about traveling and kind of like

I don't want to say interventioning him, but kind of. But then, you know, logistically, like, we don't know where he stays. We don't know what he's doing. Like, you know, so it would just be hard to track him down. I mean, he could start with a phone call. Yeah. I don't know if he would want my brother and I to...

go over there. I mean, he probably would in, you know, to see us, but, you know, to confront him on this sort of thing, I don't... Yeah, I don't think he would give him the heads up, hey, we're coming over to confront you. Yeah. But I'm just saying, like, maybe before you guys, like, fly overseas, maybe you just confront him with a phone call. I don't know. I mean... Yeah. And it just goes back to it's difficult because, I mean...

he's asleep right now. And there's like a very small window in the morning where I'm awake and he's asleep. Well, I mean, you know, yeah, it might be a mild inconvenience, but even if you have to wake up in the middle of the night to make a phone call, you know, it just depends on how much of a big deal this is to you. Like,

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he has this weird addiction. You know, I don't know. Yeah. I also think that he's a very high functioning alcoholic. So that's definitely a problem that hasn't been addressed. Yeah. I mean...

And he's, you know, this is dangerous behavior, you know? Yeah. If he really is going around with multiple STDs, be it, like, herpes, you know, chlamydia, I mean, chlamydia, gonorrhea, like, you know, those, these are curable. Yeah. But, like... As far as I know, it's a curable one. As far as you know, okay. Yeah. And hopefully he's addressed it, but, like, if he's still going around...

I mean, this is dangerous behavior, not only for himself, but obviously for other people who, who, you know, but yeah, I think you guys, you need to start taking this seriously. I mean, you're, I mean, the only way to address it is head on, you know, just, you can't be afraid to have the uncomfortable conversation. You can't, you know, it's definitely going to be uncomfortable, but.

You know, maybe it just starts with what are you doing? Yeah. And I think, I mean, there have been times where, like, I would get a DM. I would screenshot it to him and I would be like, listen, this is not, like, I don't want to get involved. Obviously, you know, through social media, like, you can tell that he's my brother. I post things with both of us, you know. But I pretty much said, like, hey, you need to stop this. Like, this is not. And usually his response is, like, okay.

I'm not doing anything. Nothing's going on. Meanwhile, I know that that's not true. Even if it's just like be a dad, like, yeah, I think you need to shame the fuck out of him for how much of a loser he is for the type of father he's decided to be so far. Yeah. Um,

Yeah. I mean, and you know, if he's, you know, maybe he needs help getting sober, but like, I think you got to start painting the picture of what you guys see, you know, like what, what happened to you? Like you're, you're an absent father. You were a terrible husband. You, you are destroying people's lives. I'm getting random messages from people. You're passing STDs. You you're putting yourself at risk. And more importantly, like you're just, you're a terrible father.

Yeah, I feel like those the conversations that have been had, he's kind of like, I know, I know, I know, I'll be better. And then are you guys are you guys being direct or is it or is it like, hey, you know, like, you know, you should do this. You know, are you tiptoeing around it or are you just. I don't think my parents are. Like I said, I haven't had any conversations. And obviously, that's probably something that I need to do. And and if my husband and I talk to him like we won't.

tiptoe around anything, but I don't believe my parents have. I believe my parents, when they confronted him, they were very direct and they were like, clearly, you know that this is wrong. Yeah. I mean, it's terrible. Like I couldn't imagine. My biggest advice for you is like, if you really care about this, then do something about it. You know, obviously traveling there would be a huge step, but like right now you, you

you're, you know, you, you say things like, well, you know, I can't really find the time to call him. Like you could, you know, like, you know what I'm saying? Like you could wake up in the middle of the night if it mattered, you know, like you could go out of your way to make sure you were available because he's not going to obviously go out of his way, you know, he's not going to make it convenient for you. So he's going to make it inconvenient for you. But like,

If you want to try to help them, you got to go out of your way. And you can't, you know, things like I don't want to get involved or it's not my problem. Like, you know, like with certain things, I totally get it. It's just like, you know, you can't, you're not his parent, but you know, you're not, you know, but if you are seeing a loved one or someone you care about, not only put themselves in danger or put other people in danger and you're worried for their wellbeing and the other people around them,

At some point, yeah, you need to make it your business, you know, if you really want to help this person and you can't. Yeah. You know, and listen, at some point you might try, you might call him, you might even fly there and, you know, he might not listen. Like at least, but what you don't want to happen, you know, is something unforgivable. I mean, it's like he's already done some kind of unforgivable things, but like it could get worse.

You know, and you don't want to think you didn't, you know, if it got worse, you don't want to feel like you could have done something more. Yeah. You might not be able to do anything. I don't know. You know, it sounds like maybe your brother isn't really in bad shape. And, you know, I don't know what he's experienced as someone who's been serving in the military. I don't know what trauma he's had to endure, if any, you know, by serving in the military. Yeah.

you know, obviously you're not a professional therapy therapist. It's like, you can only do so much, but you definitely haven't done everything you can. Right. Like, you know, and, and time zone differences really shouldn't stop you from going out of your way to doing whatever you can. And it starts with just like having, like,

an honest conversation and just be like, Hey, I mean, I never thought I have to reach out to my brother and like, tell him to like wrap it up or like, you know, make sure you're getting, you know, that's bare minimum, but like, what do you, you know, what are you, what are you doing? I mean, Hey, you're a single man now, if you want to, you know, but like at least be safe. But more importantly, this is about like be a father, you know, like checking on your kid. Like you are, you're responsible for a life. Like, yeah. Yeah.

you know, like you're going to look back and be really ashamed, you know, with yourself. And like, I don't know how to address, I don't know how to have an intervention when it comes to an alcoholic, you know, maybe Al-Anon is a, I know a support group of people who have family members who are alcoholics and they probably have some useful tips how to address that. But I just, again, my biggest advice is do everything you can to help and, and just,

You're going to regret if you're able to look back and, and think I kind of just, I punted. I just, I acted like it was inconvenient. I made excuses for why I didn't reach out, you know?

But, you know. Yeah. Because like definitely like because right now you're like, well, I can't really get a hold of him because of different time zone. It's like you can, you know. Well, and also like the conversations I do try to have with him and I try to ask him things that aren't necessarily like one word responses. But that's a lot of what I get. Like, you know, how's this going? How's that going? How's this going? And he's just like, great. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, cause it's probably not going great. I don't know. He's probably obviously hiding it, but asking him questions. I don't, you know, if I, again, not an expert here, but I'm, I'm guessing, you know, if he is an alcoholic, there, there's a lot of denial there. There's a lot of, there's a lot of issues there. Right. So like asking him questions about how they're doing, like, I don't, it's just, you need to,

speak to him and tell him exactly how you feel, what your concerns are. Lead with love always. Like, hey, I really love you. I'm worried about you. The brother I grew up with, the brother I admired, where did he go? What happened? I just never thought you would be an absent father. I just never thought that you would treat your family this way. I'm shocked the way you take care of yourself. Like,

This is destroying lives, including your own. Like you need help. This is not the behavior of a healthy person. This is not okay. You know, I love you. I will always be there for you, but this is not okay. This is wrong. You need to stop. You need like, you know what I'm saying? This is the shit you need to say to him. Not like, how are you doing? Yeah, no, that definitely. I mean, that helps. Yeah.

So, I mean, yeah, you're in a tough situation and I really empathize with you and your family because you're right. You can only do so much and you could say all those things and it might not get through to him, but like, at least you will know you, you tried. Yeah. And this like, obviously let them know you'll always be there for them, but like, you're not gonna, you're not going to condone or support or look the other way when it comes to his bad behavior. Yeah. We've made that very clear. Um, so yeah.

That's, I'm sorry. It sucks. Yeah. We'll figure it out. Yeah. I mean, you know, every family has their issues, you know, every family has their,

But be there for your niece. You know, thankfully she has good grandparents. Thankfully she has you. Hopefully someday she'll have her father. The good news is, you know, his kid's still very young and hopefully he sees the error of his ways. But boy, he's missing out on some magical moments. Yeah, my sister-in-law has definitely expressed some concern with the fact that she will probably grow up without a dad, but like

we can definitely have that conversation. Yeah. Well, I'm wishing you and your family nothing but the best, but like, yeah, just do everything in your power and don't, and make it your problem. Right. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, take care. I'd love, you keep us posted. I'd love, I'd love an update on how things, you know, play out. Yeah, I sure will. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Okay. Bye.

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How's it going? It's good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Samantha. Hi, Samantha. How can I help? I'm 35 and my question is, should I get divorced or should me and my husband fake it till we make it? What would you be faking? We'd be faking happiness pretty much. Okay.

And you both acknowledge your misery? To an extent, yes. We just acknowledged recently, a couple of weeks ago, we had a sit-down talk and we came to the conclusion that we are just not compatible. We have love for each other. We have a family together, but our personalities are complete opposites. Yeah.

And we're just not as compatible as we thought we were. I'm 35 and he's 44. So there is a nine year age gap. Okay. All right. How long you guys been together? We've been together going on eight years. We've been married for five. Okay. A little bit of important history as he was married before for 17 years and

And he has four kids from that marriage. Do you two have any children? We have one. He's four. When did you start noticing or feeling this incompatibility? When I had my first child. Okay. And what made you realize that? I think we went from like, he was, he went through his divorce. He had been married. He'd been a parent for a long time, you know, and then he

When we started dating, it was fun and exciting and we got to go and travel. We would go to Vegas and then we decided to have a child of our own. And that's my first child, you know, so I'm all in on being a mom for the first time. And he's already done this four times. So we're just in different phases of life, if that makes sense. Sure. I mean, I don't know what it's like to have

multiple children yet but are you saying his like he doesn't his his excitement for being a father is like no longer there or something no no he's an he's an excited dad he plays he's there um he just has no problem with going out you know and having fun or doing a date night whereas i have more of like guilt with that does he want to do a date night with you yes okay

And you just don't want to? It's not that I don't want to. I just feel like I prioritize moments and being with my son more. Well, that makes sense. Yeah.

But there is balance, you know? Right. That's what we think we have to try to find is the happy balance, but we're just kind of stuck in it. Who wants, who is, who is, is, are either of you leaning one direction more than the other? He leans towards fake it till we make it. Okay. Because he is able to do that. I am not. And I guess back to like this, the faking part, like, yeah,

You mentioned, okay, I see the difference in he's already been a dad before. He's got no problem saying, hey, babe, let's go on a date. The kid's going to be fine. You're just like, ugh, I want to be next to my son. But other than that, where are some other points of incompatibility or things that make you checked out of this relationship?

marriage he is still close friends with his ex-wife okay they were married for 17 years and they have four kids together and they still have this like friendship that i am not okay with so that causes some what part aren't you are okay with because obviously they do have children together so yeah you know it's interesting like i was talking to someone yesterday and completely you know it

different story. And, and, but I was just talking about like her new boyfriend, her boyfriend is a dad, you know, recently divorced and, and he's not friends with his, his ex wife. And I just kind of said like, and she was looking for some advice in terms of how to integrate with this family or whatever. And, and she has some concerns about just like her boyfriend's parenting style and his ex wife, because this kid's kind of running rampant. Um,

And I just kind of talked about how like, you know, the fact of the divorce or, you know, they don't have to get along as exes, but like they still need to be a team when it comes to parenting this child. And the best way to, you know, so what, what is the part other than like, yeah, what, what, why are you so uncomfortable? Yeah. Where do they cross that? Like, Hey, we're, we're a team co-parenting our four children.

Yeah. So we've gone through all phases with this. It's been eight years of this trifecta. At first, there was no communication at all. Like I did not exist to her. There was nothing. Then we went through a phase of we'll be cordial and just talk about kids, period. And then it became like, let's all be best friends. And that's...

That's where I'm trying to make the boundary because I feel like we should only be talking about kids things. So now she wants to be, she wants to be your friend. Absolutely. Like she wants to be me and my husband's best friends. She texts us if she has like a bad day, she's texting us. If she just wants someone to talk to, she comes to us. I feel like she should have someone else to lean on. Yes. She has not dated anyone since their divorce. No one.

No one. Yeah. Well, I can see why that's right. It's a little weird. It's like, she's just waiting. Well, I don't know about that part. I mean, so you think she's just waiting for your husband to get divorced so she can have a second chance. I think so. Because like her hobbies now are exactly his hobbies. She's picked up everything that he likes to do. She's picked up on it. She could just be lonely. I mean, do you think he would give her another shot?

He says, no, I've asked. I've flat out asked. He says he has zero attraction to her. It would never happen again. I believe that. I do too. As a man, I'm just saying.

I don't know. I don't know anything about your husband. Nothing. I'm just, usually when we're done, we're done, you know? And sounds like, and as harsh as this might sound to his ex-wife, like the fact that he said he's not attracted to her anymore. Yeah. Plowley is playing a big role in his lack of interest in her. Um, and usually those things don't just

Flip on ahead. Okay. So regardless of what she wants, and again, I'm making a huge generalization here, but I also feel fairly confident in making it. I think you've maybe gotten in your head a little bit

based off of her behavior because it is generally kind of a weird dynamic. But I think you're pretty good there in terms of what he might do. I think so too. When I put like my rational cap on, I do think that way. It's just in the moment when she's all up in our text messages all the time or coming by the house to see the kids when she shouldn't. Well, not that she shouldn't. She should always be allowed to see her kids. But like, I just feel like it oversteps sometimes. Yeah. Yeah.

And then her taking over his friends group. I mean, there's just boundaries. What do you mean taking over? So he had this group of friends that he hangs out with where we live and she now hangs out with them on their Friday nights. So, so,

I cut him off from being able to go because you're not going to go hang out with your ex-wife while I'm at home with the kids. Like then I turn into like the babysitter. Like those kids are at our house. I mean, listen, I don't know her. I don't know him. So it's, it's, it's easy. You know, like I, I,

But I really don't think she's a threat to you. And I think she is lonely. Yeah. You know, it would make a lot of sense knowing nothing about your husband. If you know, like he just, he more or less just didn't care. And her presence does, doesn't irritate him. Like it irritates you. And it's just like, he might, I don't know. Also I'm sensing he left her for,

Yes. Okay. Yeah. So he probably has some empathy and guilt for basically upgrading, you know, and I'm sure that's what, how it feels like for her. And so his reasoning for letting her in or letting her stick around or even infiltrate the friend group. I mean, it would make a lot of sense if it it's mostly around that or, you

Because he's married to her 17 years, he just knows she's not a threat. You know what I'm saying? I think you're reading it very accurately because you're saying a lot of the things that he has said. It's just hard being on this side of it. Sure. And which I totally get. And when it comes to that, everything else aside, because obviously there's a lot to unpack here, but when it comes to that relationship, you might just have to decide to

get over it. Yeah. And I, you know, it's just like one of those... Make it till I make it. Yeah. In a way. I mean, if that is one big issue, I, you know, if that is a huge issue, then yeah, I would hate for you to leave a situation that, you know, especially if you love your husband and you, you know, you want to maintain the family unit. I mean, maintain the family unit, like...

As a new dad, you know, and have this unconditional love for my daughter. I mean, obviously it's crazy for me to even speculate, you know, because I feel so blessed currently and with what Natalie and I have going on and how we feel about our relationship and the work we put in. But like, God forbid, the unexpected happens in the future that we can't predict. You know, it's just like, yeah, I see the motivation parents have for wanting to stick it out for the sake of the family. But like, I don't believe people who are truly miserable can

are doing anyone any favor by staying in a relationship that doesn't serve them for the sake of kids because just kids are smart enough to pick up on that. That being said, I do think there's a lot of people out there quitting way too early

And marriages, because like, you know, a lifetime together is just it's not easy. You know, it's just like it's yeah, it goes through these various phases. I've told him that, too, that I think this phase of life that I'm in right now is 100 percent for my son. Like, I'm just living every moment with him.

And it's just a phase. But are you willing to challenge yourself? Because it's one thing to say, oh, I'm in this phase. And then kind of like fully immerse yourself in this phase, regardless of what this phase brings. And I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong with your son. But listen, I think you can always... I'm a big believer that too much of anything can be a bad thing. I truly believe that. I think good things are...

and abused all the time, you know? But like, yeah, I think it's good for parents to leave their children and come back. You know, right now, like obviously Natalie and I very have this bond with our daughter. Her bond with River is deeper and more connected than mine is. Just, you just see the mother child, you know, there's a literal bond there. You can almost just see it. Yeah. I get it. I get it.

And yeah, when we leave, we're lucky enough to have great help. And there's been three or four times where we've left River with her grandparents for a night. One night, it was two. It's a hard finale. It's a harder finale than it is for me. But I have to remind her, it's just like River needs to learn that we can leave and come back. She needs to, it's healthy.

To know that, you know, like it's not always healthy just to always be there. It's not, it's like, so it's healthy to miss people. It's healthy to, you know, like eventually your son's going to grow up, right? And eventually he's going to want some distance. And it's, you're not doing anyone any favors by,

By trying to, I guess it's not, you know, to say, oh, well, yeah, he's going to get older and distance himself. So I'm just I need to get every moment in now. Yeah, I don't know if is the best outlook on that situation. You know, I think it's all about balance. You know, I think it's good to get out for a date night. Yeah. You know, even if even if you might miss a moment with your son.

But what's your perspective on it? If so, I work full time and I have a second job that I work sometimes. Suffer. So yeah, no, I get, yeah, that's definitely a different wrinkle. The time that I have with him to me, it's hard to give up. Is the second jobs like, you know, is that something that's just kind of necessary because you guys have to make ends meet or is it something you're doing?

For another reason, it's photography. I picked it up as a hobby that I enjoyed doing. And then it's rolled into more of like, I started making money with it. So we went with it. Okay. Well, that's awesome. You know, but like, that's, you know, now, now you're faced with some choices, you know? Right.

Yeah. And I've cut back a lot. Like I've decided this summer, I'm not going to do as much. Yeah. Listen, if you want to make your relationship work, you have to, you know, you have to water that flower, so to speak too. You know, if you want to make this career work, you have to, you know, it's like, you're going to,

you're just going to have to decide, you know, what's more important. You know, the passion projects could always be there. You're, you're really young, you know, um, you know, again, obviously you're making money, so that helps, you know, once you start making money from something and you rely on it, it's like, Oh my God. Um, so yeah, you might have some tough choices. I mean, what are some other things that are lack of compatibility with your, with your husband? Uh,

Just straight up personality differences. Like we, I watched your podcast with Allie on it and then I looked up our birth charts. Okay. And literally what him and I say about ourselves was in those birth charts. So like,

I'm cut and dry direct to the point. I'm the caretaker. I'm not touchy feely. I'm more of an acts of service kind of person. And he's the complete opposite. So he is super sweet, loving, wants to touchy feely, wants us to hold hands all the time. Like he would be a koala bear attached to me at all times if I let him. Well, that's Natalie and I'm you, you know, yeah.

So, you know, I don't know. It's hard. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I mean, I don't, maybe I'm not, maybe we're not as much as extreme as you and your husband, but like, I'm sure there are times now they would want to be more of a tree so she could be the koala bear. And I'm just like, I can't, you know, but I'm always down to hold her hand. You know, I'm always like, I love touching my wife and being affectionate, you know, I don't like to be smothered. And so we were, you know, we kind of worked through that, but like, it's,

It's generally not like a problem, but I'm getting the sense from you that you are looking for reasons to want to leave more than you're looking for reasons to stay.

I think I'm looking for someone to like balance it out for me almost because I think I could find a happy meeting place in the middle for us. Whereas he wants more of a zero to a hundred, like he wants a huge dramatic change to where he's getting all of his needs met to a T. Whereas I'm saying like, we're a little bit too different. We have a little bit too much baggage at this point. Like we need to find a,

Well, that was my other thing. It's just like, all right. So I hear that he, he would like to have more date nights and quality time with you and you're resistant because of time with your son. Okay. So that's something that he would like you to compromise on that you've been a little resistant to. Sounds like, well, he wants you to compromise too. Are either of you willing to meet in the middle? You know, like.

Are both of you willing to, you know, the fake it till you make it, you've addressed the fact that there's some incompatibility there, but the big question is, are you both willing to acknowledge that the other person has a right to have their needs met and that while

What he wants is different than what you want. Are you guys willing to compromise? Are you willing to do some things that aren't your first choice? Like when it comes to my marriage, it's like we have a lot of things we're really compatible with. A lot, a ton, more than ever I had with a girlfriend. There's also things that like we're not compatible with. I have to be willing to compromise

do things that I don't want to do sometimes. Hell, every day, you know, I have to do things I don't want to do sometimes. As an active service person, it is a little easier, I think, for me because it feels like an act of service to make a sacrifice or a compromise for the sake of the relationship. And then selflessly, I get a little value from that. But, you know, to a certain extent. That's true.

But you both have to feel like the other person is willing to compromise. Because if one of you is willing to compromise and the other person's like, well, no, I just like, I'm not really, I need all of this. And if you can't give me all of this and I'm never going to be satisfied, well, the other person's like, okay, well, I'm just asking for a little. Then that's not going to work. Right. I think the times that I've tried to put in some effort and do something that he would enjoy, it's not like,

a hundred percent there like if i put the little one down to sleep and then i get up at night and i want to go watch a movie with him if i'm not like snuggled tight close to him and i'm sitting like separate on the couch a little bit to have some space but we're having some quality time to me i'm doing my 50 but to him it's not like you're not smothering me so it's not i guess it's like this i

I'm guessing for him, it's less about you're not smothering me than like, I just, I want to feel like you love me. Yeah. You know, I want to feel like you need me. We all need to feel needed. I've told him before that I don't, and that was probably a mistake. Like I'm so independent. I'm totally fine. Yeah.

And I probably shouldn't have said that because it comes off very harsh, but that's my directness. Yeah. Yeah. I was definitely a bad choice of words. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. A hundred percent. That's definitely something you probably should just keep to yourself is like, Hey, if I, if I need to be alone, I can fucking do this. Right. I'll be fine. Yeah. Cause I think, yeah, I, I, I think we all need to be needed. I think society accepts that.

even maybe too much that women like to be needed. So much so that sometimes society decides that women need to be needed, which is that's always the case because like yourself, you know, not always the case. But men need to be needed too. And they want to be desired and they want to be appreciated. We all want to feel like we add value to our partner's lives. I said this to someone yesterday. It's just like, there's a lot of relationships and marriages where

you know, in heterosexual relationships where husbands are just kind of treated or seen eventually like useful idiots, you know? I can see that. Yeah. It's like, you know, because all men, you know, it's just like, leave the cupboards open, do absent-minded shit, you know, like just, I think every husband or man can just do, does, eventually just does a hundred things a day that you could roll your eyes at probably, you know? Yeah. And then it's just easy to be like, oh God, you're just,

If you make your husband feel, and I say this to everyone, like he's just a useful idiot, he's going to hate you. Eventually he's going to hate you. He just is. Because no one wants to feel like a useful idiot. The reason that I've kind of...

created that, like, I don't need him in me is because he prioritizes himself and his happiness a lot, which I think some people should add to a certain extent. But like, if the surf is good, he's going surfing no matter what. He makes time to go to a coffee shop and read. He makes time to go for a walk on the beach. Like he makes his time to do his things regardless. So his actions tell you that he doesn't need you as much either. Yeah.

Yeah, in essence. Yeah. But do you feel that way? Or is he saying that make you feel less guilty? I feel like I don't know. I feel like he does those things selfishly. I don't think he's a selfish man, but I think he does those things because he needs to do them regardless of what else is going on.

And so in your world, you would like him to maybe check in on you a little bit more. Yeah. That's what I've told him in the past is like, okay, you know, the surf is going to be good today. You know, you want to go surfing. Can you do something productive before you grab your surfboard and go take the trash out on your way out? Surfboard trash bag, you know, like go out together. Do you say it like that? Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

You know the trick to calling customer services? No. Asking for help. Yeah. It's not calling up and being like, I need you to do this. You know, if I need, like I call up customer service, I'm like,

I really need your help. I'm like, I'm in a really bad situation. I need your help. Everyone wants to feel like a hero. Everyone wants to help someone. There's not a person in this planet who doesn't get a personal, like good feeling from feeling like they, they helped someone as opposed to do your job, you know? Right.

A lot of people are just like, no, you fucking do that job. You know, be productive. It's like such a condescending, like, you know, you're not talking to your husband. You're, you're talking to a child, you know, you're being his parent. So if it's like, it could, it would be really helpful if you could take out the trash before you go surfing is you're going to get a way better response. Then can you be productive before you go have fun? Yeah. Like it's this night delivery for sure. It's night and day. It's night and day.

Yeah. And if every time you asked your husband to do something, it was more like, hey, babe, could you do this for me? As opposed to you just, you know, just you say it with a little irritation, a little frustration. It's just it's night and day. I can't stress that enough, especially for men. Men want to...

Be strong and feel strong, but we are often weak. We are. All the criticisms that women will say when they get together about men, a lot of them are true. We are soft, weak, emotional babies, sure. But we can do great things when we are supported. So it's like, do you want to see the good in us or do you want to see the bad in us? It's kind of like you're

your choice, you know? And then again, you know, for you, it's like fake a teammate, you know, it's just like, listen, if you don't love the guy, you know, if you don't want to be in a marriage, don't be in a marriage, right? But I am sensing from you some things that are just like general relationship problems, normal marriage issues. And while you could leave your husband and find another guy, no problem,

and you could find a guy who's night and day different than your husband. And if you find a guy who's night and day different than your husband, I can promise you the first six to 12 months of dating that guy, you're gonna appreciate all the differences in the best possible way. You're gonna be like, oh my God, my husband never did that. And that's so cool. He takes the garbage and blah, blah, blah. And you're gonna be so obsessed with all the things that you love about this new guy because your husband didn't do that, right? But then you'll get to know the new guy. You'll settle in.

And then you'll just get used to the things you like. And then all the things you don't like, well, you'll start noticing slowly here and there, yada, yada. And I'm just saying, like, you're going to have another list of things you don't like about that guy. And you're going to have points of incompatibility you don't like about that guy. And he's going to do things or not do things. And again, I'm not saying, you know, I know very little about your relationship. And like, I can only...

give you notes by what you're telling me um and your husband needs to do his part too like you know if if a marriage is on the rocks it's going to require two people to at a minimum feel like they equally want to save the marriage you know if one person's like i want to save this marriage the other person's like you know i don't know if i do you know it's you should get divorced you know it's like because you know at a minimum you still have to both want to make this work and

I just told him that at the minimum, I just need to feel prioritized. Have you guys talked about couples therapy or you've done couples therapy? We've done it. It doesn't really go anywhere because it just kind of goes in the same circle every time. How many couples therapists have you worked with? Two. Okay. And they're both female. And I told him if we do it again, I feel like he should find maybe a male therapist to work with us because...

I feel like the females just tend to side with me unintentionally. Like I'm not trying to get them to pick a side. They should be neutral, but-

it often turns into, he comes out to be the bad guy. And I don't like that either. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that should never happen. I think it's easy. You know? Yeah. It shouldn't, it shouldn't be a constant theme because I mean, you seem like a normal, rational person. You don't even like that. He feels that way. And the fact that you've had two therapists and you can even be like, he ends up kind of being like the bad guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe you need to try a third therapist. I don't know. And maybe it is a guy. I don't know. But I feel like a good couples therapist plays mediator well, where there might be a conversation where one person feels a little ganged up on, but that should even out. You should both feel like a good couples therapist makes...

make sure that both people are feeling hurt. That there's always two sides to a coin. 'Cause if you're both not feeling hurt, then... But if one person felt like they win, you both lose. That's not the point of couples therapy. It's not to play referee. It's just to try to be like, all right, you have a point of view, I have a point of view. We do not get each other's point of view on our own because we're too caught up in being right or feeling hurt.

that we're not willing to listen to the other person who also wants to feel heard. And so a good couples therapist is just making sure they're the ones keeping score, you know, so to speak, not in a winning, but just to make sure it's like, all right, well, no, we heard your point, you know, like just to call out people. Cause like sometimes when we get triggered and we, you know, get in fights and get emotional, our childlike brains come out and we're just, and we're just fighting and arguing and bickering. And a good couples therapist is just, you know, like,

- To me, that's it. But like, yeah, your husband has to want to make you feel prioritized. And your husband, despite his guilt around his ex-wife or whatever the reason, he needs to respect some of your concerns. On the flip side,

I do feel like what I'm hearing about the ex-wife is you've just decided it's weird and you've decided it's not normal. And based off of that alone, you just, you don't like it. Even though maybe deep down, she's not really a threat. And listen, like, I will say this, like you, you, you married a man who had four kids and an ex-wife, you know, and,

It's a blended family and it's not the same as like, you know, me and Natalie have our own beautiful, complicated families and we have our own beautiful, complicated relationship because everyone does. But like yours is unique in itself where like, you know, we don't have ex-husbands and wives and kids from other families that we have to consider. And that's just something you married into. And, you know, yeah.

The alternative is like, it's better than toxicity. You know, like God, I mean, I do feel like despite this irritating you, if it was still the first phase where there was no communication, she fucking hated you. She wouldn't even say your name. It was always tension. That would be a nightmare. So, you know, like this is better than that, you know? Yeah. I think I struggle with like, it's better than that. Yeah. But like, it still sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. But I, I think it could be a lot better if you let it be better. I'm getting the sense that you've just decided it sucks because again, you're just like, I don't, I don't, I just don't like it. I just don't like it. I just wish she would find someone like, I wish she would find a companion. Yeah. And I think that would make it a lot easier for everyone. Have you tried to let this woman in to your life? Yeah. Can you talk to her about like dating? Not, I don't think we're there. Okay. Like,

Like we've gone and done things just her and I just to have like some bonding time outside of the family dynamic. And it's fine. It just gets weird when it's a constant communication with her and my husband. And the fact that she won't date anyone is weird. She hasn't even tried? She did. Like in the beginning, she went on one date with a guy and then that was it. Like literally we... She...

She's 44. And how is she her best version of herself right now? I think so. I mean, in the beginning, no, obviously after going through a divorce, I think everyone is going to struggle a bit. Now, I think she's doing great mentally, physically. She works out every day. She's physically fit, mentally fit, I think. Do you know any eligible bachelors? I've thought of trying to set her up, but. Only just to see how she would respond.

Like, I honestly like it's not really about like really trying to play matchmaker with her. I am curious how she would respond to you trying to set her up with a guy. Yeah. And I think that might be an easier approach rather than like sitting her down, have a cup of coffee and having some sort of like dating intervention with her and be like, why haven't you dated anyone? Almost being like.

I know this really great guy who I honestly think you'd be a great match with. And like, would you be interested? And just maybe see if that opens up the conversation about her points of view on dating. Yeah. You know, like I would just be curious. Yeah. If I were you. Like even if I'm making it up at the time. Honestly, yes. Literally. I mean, hopefully you have someone who you can set her up with because like, you're like, oh, I didn't think you'd say yes. Just kidding. But like that might be an in.

you know yeah but i think right now you're just kind of fucking annoyed so you're not even going there you just wanted to stop so it's like if you're going to stay in this marriage you just have to accept this situation and make the most of it and work with what you have rather than just stubbornly being like this is stupid i don't like it it neither needs to stop or i'm out like you know you definitely can do that but like yeah it is kind of what you signed up for i know

I know. And again, like I get why it's irritating, but if, if that, if, if that's your, one of your biggest frustrations of your marriage, I feel, I, you know, I don't know. Well, I think we'll get through it. It's just my mindset with it. And,

Well, that's what I'm saying. And I'm glad you can acknowledge that, you know, the combination of knowing you don't need anyone type of thing or just being frustrated. And, you know, I just, I feel like there's a little stubbornness from you. Yeah. Yeah. I can admit to that. And it also mixes with the not being prioritized. Like, I feel like if she said, Hey, I need you to do this. And I have to simultaneously at the same time said, Hey, I need you to do this. I,

truly believe my husband would jump for her. Have you communicated that to him? Yeah. And what does he say? He says it's not true, but I've, I mean, I've felt it before. Like if she needs something, he does it so quickly. And his reasoning is because of the kids, obviously. I bet there's just a shit ton of guilt and I probably, he probably doesn't realize it. And he, you know, you're his wife in a way. So he takes that for granted in a way where it's just like,

she needs my help and i abandoned her yeah because he did he he left his wife for his selfish needs he upgraded to someone he was more attracted to and thought was a better fit for him and he left her and he abandoned his wife how does he get rid of that guilt to a certain degree he might not always totally especially how old are his kids

The oldest is 24. The youngest is 14. He might. Yeah. Listen, like he, I don't know. I guess he's not an individual therapy, but like he's, you know, his therapies surfing is probably his therapy. And yeah. And he does, he does meditation. He's really into philosophy. Like he works on himself and his mind a lot. That's great. But he also needs to want to work on his marriage too. For sure. Like that should be up there. Yeah.

Yeah, it really comes down to... I think you guys need to decide. First of all, I think you got to change your language a little bit. Okay. The delivery, for sure. Yeah, you definitely need to. And just your guys' delivery with each other. Fake it to your make. I mean, if there's no love there, get divorced. But if this is more... And I say fake... Because when you say fake it to your make, it sounds like...

you hate each other. You know, like, you know, we've been definitely been there at times where we're just like at each other's. Well, sure. That's, but if it's more like, listen, like I, you know, obviously I'm very frustrated at you lately. I still love you. And I still, I want this to work. And I, I really, I want to do my part. That's the part that you guys at least have to line on is the desire to make this marriage work and the willingness to do each other's parts.

and an acknowledgement that both of you have both kind of like selfishly, stubbornly put your foot down waiting for the other person to go first. And until the other person goes first, you're not going to do your part. That's where you're at now. And you both at a minimum need to at least acknowledge that.

that, you know? And it's just like, whether it's individual couples therapy, more meditation, more surfing, and then you need to work, you know, like you probably just need to work on your delivery. And as far as the ex-wife, maybe try to let it go for a period of time. And you could say to your husband, I've decided to like,

let it go for these reasons. Cause I just feel like she doesn't have anyone. And I, and I really like, I think I've probably just made a little bit too big of a deal about it and it's gotten into my head and I really don't think I have anything to worry about with her. So I've decided to let it go at the same time. I still really need you to please try to just be aware of the fact that I am your wife and she is your ex-wife. I get it. You're going to want to like be there for your ex-wife cause you have kids together, but please, please,

try to be mindful that I want to feel first. You both need to ask each other, what can I do to go out of my way to make you feel validated or supported or prioritized that I'm not doing a good job today? And you maybe both just get to speak freely and the other person doesn't respond with a, uh, I don't know, but you both say, okay, I I'm, I'm committed to doing that. And

You both have to then hold yourself accountable. You know, it's just like, again, it comes down to you're not connected right now. You're at each other's throats. There's a lot of frustration. There's a lot of resentment. But do you guys both want to make it work? Because at the end of the day, it's what it comes down to. It's just like, you know, this whole like, oh, well, I, you know, I'm going to love you forever and we're going to be together forever. I mean, you got to wake up and want to make it work.

It just comes down to that. You have to want to make it work. You have to look at this person and go, I want to be with you. And right now, you fucking suck, but I want to be with you. And at a minimum, a marriage needs two people who still want to figure it out and try because there's not a single marriage out there

or relationship that doesn't have points where you're just completely disconnected and at each other's throats and just very frustrated, but you need to have this, at least the desire that this is my person and I want to go out of my way to fix this and make it work. And that has to come from both parties. Yeah. I think we both want those things and then we get to the point of talking it out and

And then we get halted because we say, well, if you did this, I wouldn't do this. Yeah. You know, like that tit for tat type thing. Exactly. So it means like, let's say it's like, can we, we both do that. We need to both stop that again. It's like that we, in us language, you have to start incorporate more than the you and I language.

And it's again, like I really honestly think it would be a great exercise for you guys to sit down and be like, what's one or two things that you would love me to try to either compromise on or go out of your way that where I'm not meeting your needs today that I could, no questions asked. Okay. And you both say that without no excuses, no justifications, no reasonings, no, just something you're both willing to do.

And that should be easy, you know, because it's just, you just, you have to, all you have to do is give a shit, you know, because the whole part of the exercise is doing something you don't want to do or doing something that doesn't come naturally or doing something that isn't just you're doing because you get some kind of satisfaction out of it. Like, you know, again, acts of service. It's just like, it's not completely a favor. You're not, you're,

you get something out of it. You know, it's like, yeah, I want to make you feel loved. I'm doing this, but like, I feel love by doing things for the people I love, you know, now you want to feel appreciated as an active service person when you do those things. And sometimes, you know, the problem with being an active service person is this, like you do those things a lot and then there's often can be overlooked. And the, the people just kind of, you know, it's like, yeah, that's just something you do, you know? And all of a sudden you're like, wait,

When did this become my job? I was doing it because I loved you, you know? Yeah, for sure. So there's a little bit of that. That will always be a sticking point in your relationship. Like, you know what I'm saying? As long as you're in this marriage, you will always have to go out of your way to be more affectionate to him. He's always going to have to go out of his way to be more appreciative of what you do do and be willing to help on the things that you do do just because it's not your fucking job.

you know? And he's always going to struggle with that. You're always going to struggle with that, but you both have to be willing to do that. You know? The big thing. He has stepped up a lot. He's stepped up a whole lot. Like he's. That's good. He's doing more. Yeah. My big thing for you too, is just like, again, like if nothing else, and I say this to all the ladies listening, just like, even if it's manipulative, just like make your husband feel important and loved and like,

needed and you know if he does something that he's proud of fucking yeah you know it's like yeah shout it out yeah just like you know they you will get so much out of your guy if what you are more than anything is his cheerleader

Yeah. You know, if you just chart says he needs that. Oh, well then every, every man needs that. And if he needs it more than anyone, then yeah, that's something you're going to have to work on because that definitely does not come naturally to you. Yeah. It's, I can tell it just doesn't come naturally to you. No. Yeah. I'm very like, I don't know. Harsh. I guess. I get it. Like, you know, I, I know that because I know me and I, there's, we have some similarities in our personality, but like, it's important. Just play it up sometimes. Yeah. Yeah.

It just goes a long way. It goes so far. Okay. I think I can do some things to...

incorporate that into our everyday. You honestly probably will have to cuddle with them less if you just make them feel like a King, you know? Right. Um, y'all, all you women want to feel like a queen and the, the seek not so big secret as men want to feel like a King too. You know, we all want to feel that. Uh, and I, maybe one thing his ex-wife has over you and her loneliness and desperation is she might make him feel those things that you don't. Yeah. She is a,

Complete opposite. Like her tone is soft and sweet and she's able to like communicate and get through to him because of her tone where my tone's like a few, you know, like I'm going to talk the way I want to talk. Yeah. She's soft and I'm hard. So try it, you know, maybe try to soften it up a little bit. You know, it sounds like you and your husband both need to find that balance in your personalities and the, I'm just going to be me.

only works so much. When I first started dating, I felt like honestly comfortable in my skin for the first time. I mean, she was like the first person

I dated in years. So I was like, I had a girlfriend in years. So this is new to me. But I, you know, there's a balance when you get older of, of understanding who you are, of not trying to be someone else so that you can say to whoever your friends or your partner is, is like, listen, this is who I am. So like, I hope that you love that because like I, you know, when I was 19, I was, I tried to please people and that never worked out. So this is who I am.

And that's important to be who you are. At the same time, you know, like, you know, I kind of juggled with Natalie, like, I'm always going to struggle with, I'm a little absent-minded, I can leave things open and I will work on it, but just a heads up, like, if your plan is to get me awesome at this, just leave me now. Because it's not happening, you know? It doesn't mean I have to try, you know? It doesn't mean that I don't have to work on things. It doesn't mean that I still have to put the effort in, you know? It's not an excuse to just say, well, I'm...

This is who I am. You'd have to deal with it. No, it's more of a this is who I am. So I'm going to be me. And overall, I want you to accept me. But when it comes to some of my shortcomings or points of incompatibility, I'm going to do my part to bridge that gap. Yeah. You know, and right now it sounds like you and your husband are unwilling to do your parts to bridge the gaps.

Yeah, that's where we get stuck for sure. I think we like want to get to the point where we're both doing our part. So it's just a struggle to get over that hurdle. So sit down and be like, can we just stop being stuck? Like, let's just like, what's, what's the point of this? You know? Yeah. Let's just being stubborn. If we're going to be together, let's, let's, let's try. And you know what, if it doesn't, if we, if we give it our best,

Then fine, we'll get the fucking divorce. But right now we're not even trying our hardest to make this marriage work. Right.

Maybe a first step was, would be to say, I'm really sorry for saying I don't need you. And that wasn't true because I do, you know, and that honestly you do, you know, like, could you live without them? Sure. Yeah. You know, do I want to know is my life better with you when we're at our best? Yes. And I think you, I think you should apologize for saying that and say, I don't, I shouldn't have said it that way. It's not even what I meant. You know, he wants to feel needed by you. I can promise you that.

i know that too um okay well was this helpful very helpful yeah just hearing another man's perspective and how you were able to just pick up on

our personalities quickly is very helpful. Okay. Well, keep me posted. I'd love to know how it works. And maybe if you guys want to come on together, I'd love to chat with you both if that's something of interest to you guys. Yeah, for sure. I think he would like that because I think he needs to hear another male's perspective, just mutually hearing both sides. Yeah. Well, I'd be down. I'd love to do it. So let me know. Okay. All right. Take care. Thank you so much. All right. Bye-bye. Bye.

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How's it going? Good. My name is Rachel. I'm 28. I'm wondering if the guy I'm talking to is a horrible communicator or if he's just not into me. Okay. Why do you think he might just not be into you? I'd say I don't really have that much experience like dating. I'm a very lazy dater. So I don't know. Like,

Like, I can't tell if he just is a bad texter or if he just like is a bad texter with me. Define bad texting. We have good conversations, but he will only respond every like couple of days. We'll be having a conversation and then he just won't respond. And then three days later, he'll be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, I've just been really busy.

Okay. How long have you been hanging out with this guy? We met on Hinge. I think it was either December or November. And we've been out a couple of times. Well, not more than a couple of times. We've been, we'll see each other every, I'd say two to three weeks. On dates? Is he taking you on dates? Is it just like? Yeah. He takes me, like we've been out to dinner. Have you hooked up? A little bit. Like no sex? Sex? Yeah. Okay. Sex.

What's that? No sex or sex? Sex. Okay. Okay. So you, you hooked up. All right. And,

And it sounds like this is pretty casual. Have you guys had any conversations about whether you guys are into each other or see potential in this? Or is it just kind of like every once in a while, you guys just chat about life and then he comes and goes? Because what month are we in? We're in April. So you met in November. You've known this guy for five, six months now. Yeah. Because we met on Hinge, right? So you can kind of see what...

uh, someone is looking for. And like, obviously we talked about that and, um, he is 31. Um, so he's, he's thinking about like starting a family, getting married, like he talks about it. And, um, yeah, we talked about that a lot. Like on our first date, he was asking me questions like, uh, what was your last relationship like? And, um, what would you want from a future partner? So it was like a good deep conversation. So I thought it was like kind of going somewhere and, um,

Yeah. And I don't know. And that was just like the first date? That was the first date. Yeah. And since then? Since then, we just, I don't know. We just like to have fun together. I'm really comfortable with him. We talk about anything. Except, except how it's going? Except. Yeah.

That's the good part. What do you mean by you're a lazy dater? I've never heard that phrase. I'm like queen of circling back to my ex situations. So I don't know a lot of guys that I have talked to in the past will come around again and I'm like, I'm not really talking to anybody. So I just want to entertain it again. And then I don't really go out much. So I don't know how to meet people thus hinge, but

Hinge overwhelms me after a little bit. So I usually like make it and then delete it every couple of weeks. So I think that's fairly healthy. I mean, it's easy to feel fatigued from dating apps. I don't think you're any different nowadays. We've become a society that it's honestly, it's a tragedy how terrible of a communicator we are, you know, communicators we are period. Like men aren't approaching women anymore, you know, partly because they've been told they're either obnoxious or they're

at best or or dangerous at worst you know and so guys don't want to you know meanwhile i think there's still a lot of women who would love to be approached by men you know and it's just we just we just we just stopped going out you know anyway so you're not the only one so just don't you know it's like you're you're not the only one who's having a hard time meeting people in person

And I wish things would change in that department. But until then, I think dating apps are a totally fine and acceptable form of meeting people as long as we are willing to take breaks. And as long as we understand that dating apps come with fatigue and it's very easy to get discouraged because dating in general, as I always say, it's meant to have more misses than hits. Like in baseball, they say if you get a hit three times out of 10, you're a Hall of Famer.

In dating, your goals only meet one. And so if you, one out of 200, still a hall of famer. You know what I'm saying? We forget that, so to speak. So back to...

you know, your situation. Yeah. Part of it, part of the problem, it sounds like it is you because you're just kind of, you know, like I think a lot of people, if nothing else, you're familiar with these men, you're comfortable. So which means you're comfortable with these men. And when they hit you up and you kind of decide, well, I don't really have anything going on. I'm kind of bored enough to say yes.

And I don't think that's the end of the world. We've all done that. You know, I've done that. It's like, you know what? I actually did have a pretty good time with her and I definitely don't have anything going on right now. So why not? You know, like, why not? And so it just comes down to like, you know, intentionality, right? It's just like, how intentional do you want to be with your dating life, right? Like you're only 28, you know, you're still rejuvenating.

really young. I'm not sure what your relationship goals are, especially around like children is because it's easy for me to say you're young, but I don't have to deal with any biological clock or things like that. What you're doing right now is not helping you find your person, you know? Yeah. It is, it is keeping you preoccupied. And so if your goal is to like stay busy and not be lonely, you're doing a pretty good job. But if your goal is to

date for the purposes of, hey, I've had some fun, I've participated in hookup culture, I've had some situationships, but I'm ready to meet someone, then it requires the willingness and ability to be alone, feel lonely at times, and it's going to require you to

initiate conversations that are slightly uncomfortable to have, you know? And, but the key part is before that is this, that willingness to be alone and feel lonely at times, because often we don't have the conversations we feel like we know we should have because we're afraid of the answer we might get. And then we're like, well, if I don't get the answer I want, then this thing might end. And honestly, I do like having him around. So I let, this is fine. It's fine. You know, that's kind of what we tell ourselves. That's true.

I should mention, actually, that I have a child from a previous relationship. Oh, okay. That's, like, one of the things I'm afraid of for a relationship is getting into, like, a serious relationship with someone and, like, getting married, having more kids, and then breaking up and, like, having to do it all over again. Like, that's, like, my worst fear with dating right now. So that was really close to that. I was, like, in a serious relationship last year, and...

I just like we weren't connecting like our personality wise, but he was like perfect in every other way. And yeah, I don't know, like I'm trying to find someone with all the qualities, but also like with me. Yeah. Well, listen, like dating is scary, you know, like it's it is. And it sometimes feels scarier and scarier as we get older because we feel like we have less time, you know, when we're dating him or younger, we're like, you know what?

It's okay. You know, I'm only 21 or something, you know, and then you have a child and then you're all of a sudden you're 28 and you're like, fuck, I got, I got to get the next one. Right. Yeah. But you just, it's, this doesn't work that way, you know? Um, and also how you're going about dating now, um,

is it makes it even less likely that it's going to, you're going to get what you want because you're, you're not being intentional about it. So it's like, you're so afraid something bad can happen. You're not even trying to make something good happen. You know, it's like, if I never have it, I can't lose it. Yeah. You know, how old's your child? It's going to be three next week. Okay. Congratulations. Um,

Yeah, I mean, do you want to have more kids? Yeah, I do. Okay. I want more siblings for her. And I want someone who wants a family. Well, obviously, I want someone who wants a family. But I would like to have children with my next partner. And right now, do you introduce these people to your daughter at all? I only introduced my last daughter.

boyfriend to my daughter, but we were dating for almost a year. And I don't really want to introduce anyone new to her until I'm like, for sure, know that they're going to stick around because like, she still knows his name, like my ex. And it's,

Like it makes me sad that she like is looking for him sometimes so I don't really want to put her through that in case I like it doesn't work out with the next one. I think you're just putting yourself through things. I think she's gonna be fine. I think she won't even remember. But I you know I get I totally get why it makes you feel sad but it I think the truth of that statement is you don't want to put yourself through the guilt of

of hearing your daughter say someone else's name, but like, she's, she's not going to remember, you know, she'll be, she'll be fine. My daughter is going to meet people. She might be people that she connects with that it might be a babysitter that like we,

don't use anymore or something. So my point is, you feel this extra sense of guilt and pressure around being a mom as every mom and parent does, but your kid's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Kids are adaptable, resilient, and I think you just have to try to

reframe your feelings on that and just acknowledge that she's going to be okay. And yeah, you have some guilt around it, but like you have to give yourself some grace so that you can have a chance at building the life that you want for you and your daughter. And so you have to kind of put your, you have to have the right frame of mind and then you have to be more intentional, right? Giving your situationships and these casual men, you know, a chance to stick around isn't

is definitely not getting you what you want. It's just kind of keeping you preoccupied and

And it's also kind of keeping you sidelined. So as far as this guy, I don't, you know, usually when you have to ask yourself, is he just not that into me or something else? It's usually, he's usually not that into you. At the same time, you know, it definitely can be just two people being very casual about it because I do think nowadays, like I think people are just bad communicators and no one wants to take a shot. No one wants to put themselves out there, especially when two people start having sex. I'm getting...

85% of what I would get out of a relationship and I have no responsibilities. So most people, that's why they take the 85% of a relationship because they have this unlimited freedom. He doesn't have to do anything. If I were you, I would just find out. Do you like this guy? I like him, but I mean, yes.

Like there's no bad answer. Yeah, I know. I just like, I'm trying to word it right. I didn't ask if he's a love of your life. I just asked if you like the guy.

I know. I just like, I'm very good at like compartmentalizing my feelings. So like, I, I know that if, if he tells me that he likes me, I'll be like, Oh yay, then let's date. But if he doesn't, I'll completely be okay. But you will definitely be okay. Right. You're going to be okay. No matter what, you know, you'll have your good days and your bad days, but you're going to be okay. You're a mom. You're capable of almost anything, you know, like,

Give yourself some credit. But like, I think I know you're going to be fine. I think that you deep down are worried you won't be, you know, and I think you have a lot of fear of being hurt. And I think you've got a lot of fear of putting yourself out there. And I think you've convinced yourself to live this kind of casual dating lifestyle that's kind of very noncommittal on your end.

to avoid the rejection or the pain or the hurt. I think I'm just kind of like nervous, like not nervous, but like, uh, I feel like it's so hard to find another person that like, that I'll like all these qualities about. And I'm like, I feel like I'm running out of time again. Well, you are only 28. You got a lot going for you. I can tell, you know, um,

So I think you just have to change your perspective a little bit. Yeah. I heard if he wanted to date you, you would date him. Yeah. Okay. So when I say you should find out, I think you should just tell him you like him. I mean, do you think you could some version of, Hey, I, I really like, I, I, I've enjoyed these past few months. I think we should actually like, see if this is a thing and be exclusive and, and try. Yeah.

And I want to do that. And are you, you know, do you, do you think you can do that? Maybe. What's the worst that could happen? He says, no, no. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're right. That is the worst that could happen. And it's not like that big of a deal. Yeah. Cause like, right. You know, like you're not like, Oh my God, this guy's my dream guy. He's a best. He's like, you, you like them.

You would date them. You're not obsessed. You know what I'm saying? Like you, if you get rejected, your ego will be triggered. It's going to be, it's going to feel more painful than it actually is for a few days. And then you'll get over it. But that, that's kind of it. But right now you're just sitting here wondering, just wasting a bunch of energy. Yeah. This would be like a in-person or a text. Conversations are always more effective in person. You know, at the same time, I also don't think this needs to be some sort of profound conversation.

I think maybe next time you guys get together,

You can just say, I hate the what are we question because that immediately gives your power away. I know, I hate that. You know? Yeah. Because then you're asking their permission. You know, it's like, what are we? And then they're going to be like, well, I don't know. Like, we're having fun. That's exactly what he's going to say. And you just say, listen, I've really enjoyed this so far. But, you know, you know me. I don't got time to waste. I'm a busy person. You know, you got a daughter. You know? You don't have to point that daughter out. You can just say, like, I don't... This has been fun. I don't have time for this. Yeah, but like...

I like you. I like you enough so far. And you always say like, so far, but like, I, you know, yeah, fuck, we don't know each other that well, but what I know about you so far, I really like, and I see potential here. You know, don't say I see a future. Cause you don't, you see potential, you know? And I think we should, I think we should try. And if he's like, I don't know any, I always say anything, but a okay is a no. And you don't convince or plead. You don't, you don't try to, well, you know, I think we're, you know, you're just like, okay, all right, well,

I definitely don't want to keep doing this because like you're, you're fun and this is cool, but I just, I got, I got, I don't have time for, I just, I'm not looking for casual. And obviously we've been hanging out for a few months and like, if we just keep doing this, it's doesn't make sense for me.

Maybe it makes sense for you, but the more, and I wish I could just stress this on every call, especially in these kind of dating situationship types of things where you're confused and you're worried about what they might say. It's just like the more you just show without trying to prove that like,

you are going to be okay, that you have shit going on, that you're a busy person, that you don't have time for people wasting your time. Yes, you'll get more answers

that you don't like, but you will also, people will find you more in demand, they will find you more attractive, they will really ask themselves if this is worth letting go, you know what I'm saying? When people show you that they're not willing to have you waste their time, they immediately want to be in your orbit, you know what I'm saying? They do. It doesn't make every man obsessed with you, but the ones who are taking you for granted

but actually do like you will take you for granted less. And a guy can like you. We all can like people that we take for granted all the time. And if they, you know, because that's this human nature when people allow people

When we, you know, again, I use the, I've used this analogy, like if something costs 15 and you give them 20, chances are they'll take 20, you know, every time. And so that's kind of where you're at right now. You're, you're just, you're just, you're just not, you're not asking for change. You're just like, yeah, I mean, sure, I guess I'm free. You know, is this helpful? It is.

It's just, yeah, I need to boost my own confidence. About what? What are you afraid of? You're right that it's not about him. It's about me and I have to set my own

like, boundaries in terms of what I want and make sure I'm telling people what I want instead of just going with what they want and just letting things happen. Not every guy is going to be into you. Not every guy, not every person, but a lot, I get the sense that you pretty much can have your, you have plenty of options. So, you know, you're going to be fine. You just, you know, you just have to work through it. But the more you

Tell yourself, you should be able to tell yourself that you have enough going for you that you deserve to be picky and be patient and you can have high demands and high expectations of people. Because I'm not getting the sense from you that you're like one of these people where I need to be like, whoa, I think you need to maybe look in the mirror and just ask what you're willing to do for them. You have a lot to be confident about. And I think you should start acting that way.

Thanks. Yeah, you got to kind of give your like, I don't have time for fucks.

Nothing men like more than just realizing a woman doesn't have time for you. A hinge headline. I don't have time for you, honestly. It would probably be a banger with men. Do you ever say no to these random invites? I mean, if I don't like the way they look. No, I'm saying do you ever say no to men that you do like? No, not usually. I'm really bad at saying no.

honestly or just be busy or just not right now just pretend to be busy I could try that yeah like if a guy calls you the day of never go out with him that day ever okay ever like if you get a call like three in the afternoon like what are you doing tonight

He's bored. Something reminded him of you, coupled with the fact that he probably is feeling lonely or maybe he just got rejected in some other aspect of his life. He needs a pick me up. You popped into his head and he's like, what are you doing tonight? Any guy who asks you out day of, you're just unavailable. It's like, oh yeah, I got plans tonight. But I'd love to get together some other time. At a minimum, a guy should be willing to make a plan with you. And if he's not willing to make a plan with you, he doesn't like you enough. Or you haven't challenged him to make the plan. Right.

We don't like to do more work than we have to do. I'd incorporate that little one into your just never saying yes to that. Yeah, just be like, yeah, just be busy. Maybe some other time. But as far as this guy goes, I think you just need to practice saying exactly what you want from this guy. We have plans tomorrow. You do? Perfect. Yeah. Awesome. Go out, have fun. And at the end of that day, I wouldn't sleep with him. Okay. So have fun on the date and just be like, yeah, I was...

No matter what he says, I wouldn't sleep with him. Even if he says yes. Well, unless he's like, yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. Then sure, have a ball. But anything short of that, I would just... And again, don't be sad. Don't be mad. And don't try to convince him. If you don't get the answer you want, and that is a yes, I'll think about it. I'm not sure.

I don't know. That's all. Those are all no's. And just say, hey, listen, okay, well, if you're not sure, then I am. And that's totally okay, but I just don't got time. And it's very chill. It's very matter of fact. It's very unbothered. Very just like, cool, all right. Yeah, no problem. Because that will rattle, if he cares at all, that'll rattle his cage. If you don't get the answer you want, and you often don't at first when you do something like this, and he doesn't

freak out in less than a week, he's not your guy. If he's not afraid to lose you after you have shown him that you are unbothered by moving on, don't take his calls. Don't let him casually check in. Don't let him do the route. Don't let him get back in the routine. It's just like, it's, you've been hanging out for four months. You've, you've been basically acting like boyfriend and girlfriend when you get together. Uh, but he is, has no responsibility. He doesn't have to do anything to keep you around. So make him do that. All right.

And if it doesn't work out with this guy, no more accepting dates day of. All right. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you. All right. Keep you posted. Hopefully I actually go through with it. Oh, what's the alternative? There's no alternative. I'm going to do it. I mean, there is an alternative. You could waste more of your time.

And if you're worried about running out of time, you know, if that, that, that be your motivator, you know, yeah, you're still really young, but like, you're right. You're, you're not getting any younger. No one is. And if you don't fix this shortcoming, you have, you're, you're going to have to take action with your life and you're going to have to get some guts and, and want to make some changes. And if you do good things will happen. If you don't, nothing will happen. This will just keep happening, you know, and it can happen for a very long time, a very long time.

There's an unlimited amount of people willing to waste your time. You have to stop allowing that to happen. And more importantly, you gotta get better at, first, you have to stop wasting your time so you get better at not allowing others to. Because again, it's an unlimited amount of people. Always be someone willing to waste your time. Godspeed. Good luck. I'm rooting for you. I would love an update. We'll check in on you. Hopefully you have good news. We'll hold you accountable.

All right. Yes, you do. You can do it.

You can do it. Do it for you, do it for your daughter, whatever you need to motivate yourself. Like you just, you have too much going for yourself to waste your time. You just do. There's millions of men out there that would love to make you their queen. You probably don't want most of them, but I'm just saying, you know, don't waste your time. Just find the ones that you want. The one, your guy out there, the one that, you know, because we all want someone where we feel like, we all want to feel like a little...

proud of ourselves for landing the person we got. You know, we all want to feel like, not like they're out of our league, but it's almost like we want to feel a sense of, we don't want to feel like we settled. So your guy that you're going to be into will absolutely waste your time if you let him. True. Because the person you want also fancies themselves and also, you know, likes to, you know what I'm saying? Like, so he's, your guy is not out there

sitting on his ass just feeling sorry for himself desperate to meet you you won't because you don't like him you know what i'm saying yeah so you have to get good at at not wasting your time so that the man that you want to be with won't waste yours i like it okay all right okay good luck rooting for you all right take care