Adam Is Getting Married So It’s The Best Of Episodes 11 to 15
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Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese! It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it. What? I know, I'm crazy. Yeah, dude, it's hella good. You gotta try it. With so many unique recipes...

How could you go wrong? And yes, you can find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what is most obviously very crucially important. Let's go!

Can we talk more about bitches make rules? We can. That seems like an important thing. So, like, societies are built by the people who are like, wait a second, you can't farm here. You can't. No, this is a road. You can't farm here. This is a road, bitch. I can farm where I want to. Can we start saying be with an itch, just, you know...

Sure. We can say whatever makes you feel safe, pal. But here's the thing is that the guy who goes no. That's a trigger word for you, Kyle? Bitch? No, I'm the one who brought it up. I was just joshing y'all. The guy who says we're going to farm on this road is an asshole. So society is bitches and assholes, right? That's the ebb and flow. That's the yin and the yang. Yeah, yeah. A bunch of bitches and assholes. Who here is a bitch? That is the Democratic and Republican parties. Bitches and assholes. Are you a bitch or an asshole?

Kyle. Huh. Whoa. I guess I'm the one who made the rule first, so I guess I'm a bitch. Yeah, I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a child. I'm a mother. I'm also a director, so I'm making rules. I'm a bitch. I'm a bitch. I'm not letting things... Yeah, but see, making of the rules, that's bitch made, but enforcing the rules...

That's asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Right. The assholes, they go, okay, so those are the rules? The asshole's the one that's like, okay, those are the rules. Fuck, I wish we wouldn't have made those rules. But now that they're made, you have to abide by them. And that's the asshole? And that's the asshole, I believe. Wait, but our hall monitors are pretty much known as bitches, right? Not assholes. They're like, ugh, fucking... Then they're just the enforcers. They didn't make the hall. They didn't make the rules. Yeah, I guess it depends. You think hall monitors are enforcers? I think...

Yeah, they're a monitor. That's an enforcer. So they're assholes. I think that they got to be enforcers. They're monitoring. I don't know if they're enforcing. There might be a few holes in this theory that we have going, but... I think it's pretty airtight. Yeah, we came in hot with it, and we drew really clear lines. I like to go, you're either one thing or another, and there's no ifs, ands, or juicy butts about it. There's definitely juicy butts. Well, no, I think we need to go around and...

say who we think the other people are. Oh, sure. Oh. So... Just based on what, though, I think our problem is what defines a bitch, what defines an asshole. People who need to define... You're a bitch. Yeah, Kyle's a bitch, for sure. Yeah, Kyle's a bitch.

I already said I was, but I'm not actually clear as to why I said that. So if we can define this. Yeah. I mean, bitches don't even know. Oh God. What is this episode? All right, cool. Let's play. Okay. So, so go, go down the list. Jersey, you started it. Yeah. Uh, what,

let's see, I guess Blake is a bitch. This is easy for sure. Um, Oh hell yeah, bitch. Hell yeah. And Adam's not an asshole. So by default, I think you're a bitch. Yeah. I think Adam's an asshole. And I also think you're an asshole. I definitely agree with you. Blake's a bitch. Well, coming from a bitch, it's two assholes versus two bitches from a bitch. I don't give a fuck.

The question is, Kyle, are you happy to wear the bitch over being an asshole? I'm kind of down to be a bitch over an asshole. Fucking asshole. I think I am when I think about... Fucking asshole, bitch. Yeah, I think I'm better off being a bitch than being an asshole. You're going to get walked on, though, brother. Well, I can handle it. You know what I mean? I got big shoulders. These big, check shoulders. I feel like a bitch asshole. Okay.

A bitch-ass hoe. Hole. I'm just a hole, man. Yeah, how does it feel to be assholes? You assholes? Well, assholes don't care. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, I'm pretty indifferent to it. So you're okay with it? Yeah. See, the thing is, is I feel like I walk a real fine line. I like where I'm at. Because I don't feel like I'm... I would say a lot of people... I would be put on both sides of the fence depending on who you ask. Much...

So I feel good where I'm at, where, yeah, sometimes I'm bitch-made, and sometimes I'm a fucking asshole. Wait, who's calling you a bitch, bro? Because you are not a bitch. Yeah, nobody called you a bitch. I called him a bitch because I don't think he's ever an asshole. I think he's just kind of a bitch because when you think he's being a bitch.

hang on, listen to me. Yeah, okay, I'll wait, sure. Chill out, Kyle, god damn. Sorry. Yeah, what are you, an asshole? Sorry. Yeah, an asshole. Hang on. When Adam's being what can be perceived as an asshole, I think at the core of it, it's usually that he's being a bitch. He's usually complaining or like mad about something and you're like, all right, quit being a bitch. Like,

All right. Yeah, see? So he's an asshole with a basis of bitch. Yeah, with bitch tendencies. Built on a bitch foundation. And I think that I can be perceived as a bitch when at my very core.

I'm an asshole. Yeah, you're a total asshole. Well, you are like, there's no questions about you being an asshole. No. I don't think anybody's going to question that. Yeah. I feel like Ders is the definite alpha asshole of our crew for sure. I think that I look like that and I'm not outspoken about how I feel. Mm-hmm.

But I think my... That's like an asshole backpedaling. Yeah, this is some bitch material. Right. Would an asshole do this? Or would he be like, yeah, that's right. I'm here. And I stand for what I believe in. I feel like I'm a nice guy without tact. How about that? I got to look up tact. You're like an asshole that identifies as a bitch. Hey, give us 20 minutes. We're going to figure out exactly what tact means. And we're going to... I'm a bitch without any finesse. Is that clear? Okay. Yeah.

I think you're a stone-cold asshole that identifies as a bitch. Like what? Like what, bitch? What do you mean? Well, I feel like you look like... And I've said this to you before, and I truly believe it. I think if the year were 1987, Ders would either be like... He would be like a senator, or he would be like a huge... He would be in every movie playing the asshole jock.

Cobra Kai. Yeah, he would be... For sure. Yeah, I feel like that was your Uber decade. It's just the way you carry yourself. Yeah, I kind of fucked up and missed out. I think, like, also I just want to say that whether you guys are assholes that identify as bitches or bitch-made assholes, I love you all.

I'm surprised none of us went bald. That's kind of a surprising thing for a group of guys. Kyle's on his way. That's why I'm growing my hair out now. I'm growing my hair long because I'm pretty sure it's on its way out. So I'm just like trying to reach the end of it. Oh, but Kyle, that's always kind of a bad look. Wouldn't you want to go short so you can't tell as much? No, I mean, I'm holding on to it. Yeah.

I'm holding on. This is like the last time I'm going to be able to do the long hair. So I'm like fucking going for it. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. The last gas. Sure. That makes sense. I'm aware of that. Yeah. Let it keep receding and keep it long and go gray. Like the Crypt Keeper style. Just hella stringy in the back. Dude, I love that. Because then I'll rock with you. There we go. Yeah. I think that'd be a good look. That's cool. And that's when you got to start directing those porno movies. Yeah.

Because you'd have that hair to go with it. Lay down! Fucking big career switch coming up as soon as the hair changes. Are you ready to pop?

Is that your Crypt Keeper? Very good. I'd be the star of your first porno movie, Kyle. I'd be the star of that. You think you'd be the star. You'd hope. Yeah. Well, if I came to the table with some financing, it was like, dude, I'm like, I'm going to make a career switch. I need you because your name is going to help pop it. Like, you'd be there. Something's going to pop. Pop it. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.

I would like to do all the like right before he pulls his dick out. Yeah. And then a very funny stunt dick. Oh, yeah. That'd be great. So you want to fuck but not like show your dick coming? Ew. No, I'm not even fucking. I'm not even fucking. Sorry. It's the buildup like, all right. I'm doing all the acting and then when it comes to the fucking...

Durs can use his or somebody else. Oh, I got you. That's where we'll put in my buddy. No, no. I want to be the dad. The dad is like, okay, I'm going to go take my car to the car wash. You're going to do your homework, sweetie. And then like some fucking giant dick dude just crawls into the window to study. So that would be Adam, right? And then I get back and I go, honey, what are you doing? And she's like, you can watch. And then I just sit there. Yeah.

Porno's gotten so weird. Oh, it's bizarre. Why are they doing it? Don't even have scenarios. We don't need them anymore. It's so crazy that you cannot watch a porno now without wanting to fuck your mother. Okay. Without being told. Told that that's what you want. Yeah, okay. Penny, I don't want to fuck you. Oh my God!

You go to Pornhub and you see the ones that are hottest in America and you're like, oh yeah, we're so fucked. We're so fucked. Yeah, it's like mom gets stuck under a table and then like... Exactly. It's like we are fucked. So much of that shit. I mean, is that because nothing's taboo? Like it used to be like two chicks and then now it's like, okay, but like it has to be related now. And then now it's like 25 of your sisters...

Yeah. Thanksgiving gets fucking crazy. Yeah. Did you have some, uh, some Narnar banks lately, Kygo? Within the last week, I've sprayed the bowl once. Okay, let's get into it. Yeah, let's get into it, man. Okay, yeah, and this is what the podcast has devolved into, talking about Kyle's poo-poos. Hey guys, welcome to This is Important. This is Important.

I was just simply dehydrated and I went ahead and got a lot of water in my system and everything bulked right back up. We all good. That's interesting. I would like for us all to just work together and have a great working relationship together and have a spinoff.

other TV show that basically workaholics, but, uh, you know, isn't. And we're old in 10 years. Dude, let me be the tall Brad Garrett guy. Oh man, you would cry. You'll be the next door neighbor. Best friend who my,

my wife wants me to be the best friend with and then Blake is my old school best friend that my wife doesn't want around and thinks is a bad influence and then you guys are both always vying for to see who's you know gonna barbecue with me and shit it writes itself yeah

Oh my God. That's great. And it rolls off the tongue and you really buy the pitch in the room. Yeah. It's gold. I can already see the blocking. It's fantastic. You in the middle and them on either side of you, you know, it's going to be great. Yeah, baby. I mean, if we had our own barbecue sauce we could sell, like, I mean. Oh, I'm back in. I'll do a couple more eps. Multi-platinum. No, no. Fuck you.

You said you were filming the pilot and you were out. Yeah, but that's because I got to come in and be the other actor. Right, Adam? Okay. And then you want to come up and just do a little recipe notes. Well, you just play Carl the drug dealer. You're the exact same character from Alcoholics. Reprise. It's in Rancho Cucamonga. It's in Universe, but we play different characters, but Carl is... Whoa. I like that. Dude, that's awesome. That's some fucking... What's his name? Josh Brolin shit? Yeah.

I'll circle back to that. How weird would it be if we did Workaholics, but 15 years later, and it's now a true sitcom, and we play the same characters? I'd tune in. I'm in. Have they ever done that? I think it would be great. Have they ever done that? People? Big Hollywood. Didn't they just do that with Fuller House? Yeah, Fuller House. Fuller House and the Conners. Yeah, but that's the exact same. It's kind of in fashion. No.

No, we're saying go from- Hey, Kyle, you dumb fuck. I'm saying- What? What am I missing? We're not in the same house. They're going back to the same locales. We don't live there no more. Oh, well, I didn't know that. We have different lives. I got a wife. I got two. One cute- We didn't even write that part yet. How was I supposed to know that? I got a wife. I got two. Oh.

Well, one kid's really cute. Oh. One, I want just a fucking dumb, ugly brick of a kid. Do you play that kid too? That's cool. Like Martin Lawrence style? Yeah, we little man my face onto one of them who's like, I love you.

Blake, do you remember when you were like, when you're like, okay, I got to go to work at BJ's and I had to back my car out and I was going slow because it was a blind driveway and you just kind of went at whatever speed you felt like it and just hit my car straight up. Backed right into you. Well, I was nervous. I thought I was going to be late to work and you know me, I'm a number one worker. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Yeah, we were all just going to say that. Exactly. Yeah, number one worker. Tip of the tongue. Oh, you did have your hair all tucked in at that point because you were supposed to get a haircut at BJ's, but you refused to get a haircut. BJ's had a rule, which was extremely sexist, that men...

its hair couldn't touch their shoulders and they couldn't have like ponytails either. Men couldn't have sexy flowing long luscious locks. But if you're a woman you can let it rock? You could just let it... Yep. You could have a ponytail but men couldn't. Whoa. Now was there any sort of rule against how long your pubic hair could be? Uh,

I think it got to a point where I was spoken to, yeah. Yeah. And you shaved it because number one worker. It's hanging off the bottom of your shorts. They're like, okay. So what was your solution? Because, Blake, you had just grown your hair down to your shoulders. Yeah, so I wasn't quite ready to cut my hair because I was starting to book those Starbucks hands commercials. And so...

I decided every shift to wake up about a half hour early and bobby pin it up. So it kind of looked like I was rocking like a... But not up. No, fold it in. Yeah. He folded it underneath. So it looked like a big mushroom. You looked absolutely insane. I looked like James Madison.

The president. Yeah, you do look like it was a powdered wig. We have to post that on the pod important Instagram. I'll try to look for those pictures. You did it in an episode, no? Right? Yeah, I did. Yeah. I can't remember which one. Oh, man. How humiliating. And I was delivering to sororities and stuff. I felt like a damn fool.

Yeah. That was the dude who backed into me full bore and just poked his head out of the car. I was like, sorry. Oh, my God. I'm mad. Sorry, brother. I was shook, man. I was shook. I was shook.

Yeah.

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Did I tell you guys the story of when my mom caught me watching porno?

When I was in high school, and stop me if I told this on the pod before, because we've done how many of these now? Seven? I'm losing track. We're starting to double up. If it involves a toe and cum in the bathwater, we've heard it. No, but you know what we should do is we should get my mom on the phone and ask her if she remembers this story. Sure. Because I've gotten some people that are saying that I'm out of pocket and that I made that story up.

but my mom for sure i don't know if she knows that there was jizz in the bath water but she for sure remembers my toe falling off so we got we got to get her on record for sure dude absolutely this is important we absolutely have to i definitely want to talk with her about that and say penny divine was there cum in the bath water do you remember if there was cum in there i don't think she knows that there's cum she doesn't think that you're on live

Then I don't want to ask her that, bro. I don't want to do that. I don't even want to be in the room when that conversation is being had. My mom would be totally fine. My mom would be like, I don't care if there's jizz. Does she say jizz? Yeah, probably. You don't think she says semen? She might say, she's watched work all. She's a big fan. She probably says E-Jack.

Or maybe there's like a funny, like a cute word for it, like frosting or something. Baby sauce. Frosting is not cute, dude. Frosting is like, that's what, if you hear a girl say frosting, run. Way too advanced, too much experience. That's when you mama marry her.

Lock her down. Give me your frosty. That gives a whole new meaning to frosted tips. In high school, I was watching porn. I was at home, senior year of high school. I had the last period of the day off and I was home from school early.

What is it? VCR? Yeah, I was going to ask the same thing. What's the format? It was on my computer, but it was like my parents had the shittiest computer. We were late to the game. We bought like a used computer. So at that time, it was just like it literally like shook. It must have been on like a real player or something. Remember that shit? Like on discs? Or yeah. Is this Morpheus? Right. No, no. It was a sublime directory. Oh.

Oh, deep cut. Wow. Hello. Shout out Sublime Directory. Damn, son. Where'd you find this? On the internet, Blake. Will you explain what Sublime Directory is to those? Sublime Directory is... I can't even believe I pulled that from the deep wrinkly parts of the back brain because that was like the first porno website that I can remember that had like...

Just links and links and links and links of different stuff. And they broke it down into categories, much like they do now with amateur, big boobs, interracial, whatever. No, keep going. But no thumbnails. No thumbnails. Just a big picture of a dinosaur up in the corner. Yeah. And then just like it had a little description. So you had to read and go, okay, I might be into that. Right. But there were so many...

pop-ups. You remember how there used to be pop-ups all the time? Pornado. Pornado. You'd click on a link and you'd think like, okay, this is what's going to pop up and then five other pop-ups would pop up and you'd have to click out of those to see what you actually want to see. Which you would get really good at, which was the saddest part. Yeah, you'd be like, and

And so I hear the garage coming up and I just clicked on something and all these pop-ups and I'm trying to click out of it. I'm trying to click out of it. And my pants are down around my ankles. And so I'm like hopping through the basement and I pull up my pants, but I don't get them buckled. And I dive on the couch and I cover my crotch with a big pillow. And meanwhile, the computer is still up, but it's in the corner. And meanwhile, it's just shaking. It's just like, and my mom comes in. She's like, how's school?

And I'm like, "Fine, get out of here." And I was like, "It was fine. Get out of here. I don't want to talk to you." And she's like, "Oh, this computer's making so much noise." And I'm like, "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of the computer." Meanwhile, she asked me what I'm doing. I'm like, "I'm just watching TV." The TV's not on, and I'm just sitting down there. And she's like, "Something's up." She goes over to the computer. And my mom's a very open-minded woman.

And she looks at the, I figured like if she saw the porn, I'm a senior in high school, I'm 17, so it's not that big of a deal. And she turns and looks at me and goes, "Jesus Christ."

And I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see that. And she goes, what if Brittany saw this? Brittany's my little sister who's three years younger than me. She's also in high school. She's a freshman in high school. She probably also looks at porno. And I go, I don't know. She probably looks at that kind of stuff too. Constantly. I don't know. And then she goes, you disgust me.

And marches upstairs. And I'm like, that is pretty aggressive. Penny doesn't usually come at me that hard. She's usually pretty open-minded about these kind of things. And so I waddle back over to the computer because my pants are down around my... Still hard. Still hard. Still rock hard from all that sublime directoring. And I look at the pop-up that had popped up. And it was hot brother-on-sister incest action. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh boy. Oh my God. Oh my God. And I had to go upstairs and explain to my mom that, uh,

I want to fuck my sister. Whoa. Oh, man. No, that, that it was a pop-up and she, pop-ups. And I explained what pop-ups were and she was like, you just saw her melt. She was like, oh my God. No. Thank you. Oh, thank God. I knew you couldn't have, I've actually been looking at stuff like that. Wow, man. Meanwhile, you're watching like fucking milk gagging. Yeah. Bukkake videos. Thank God. Yeah.

Halloween as an adult is way less fun. It's way less fun. As a kid, I remember you just got robbed or you robbed someone else. My brother got robbed. A lot of robbing. Yeah, it was all every year. You'd run into a kid in your neighborhood and it's like, yeah, I'm going to rob you.

Got my candy taken. And you're like, you bitch. Until it happens to you and you're like, fuck. You guys were lucky that was just Halloween. Yeah. Ha ha. I never got jacked for candy. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. No. It happened to me. Yeah. I do remember wrapping the pillowcase around my wrist in case somebody tried to grab it. Right. I got a good feeling whatever Kyle was dressed as, it was...

too scary to fuck with. They were like, look at, let's go around the other guy. Uh, nevermind. I'm not going to do that. Yeah, right. You just had wet ass long hair and that was your costume. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, sorry guys. Keep up. Uh,

Keep up. Like, really flex your asshole. Keep up-ness. Yeah. I like that about it. Walk in with a huge asshole. I'm a bitch identifying as an asshole at that point. Don't lead with your bitch. Yeah. Lead with your asshole. Lead with your asshole. Lead with your asshole. Always lead with your asshole. Walk through that door backwards.

I don't remember our hair being that insane. Bro, it was so wild. You guys look like Pokemon. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, I look like a fucking Pokemon character. Kyle looks like... I mean, you hit the nail on the head when you're like, you are leading the Black Parade. You are my chemical romance fucking superstar over here. Totally. Very short-lived MCR phase that was probably like...

year and a half maybe where I dyed my hair black and would brush it into my forehead. I do not remember your emo bangs. That's so weird. This was like film school, like coming out of film school. I think I went to like this like emo side majorly when I went to film school. I loved that.

I still think we need to solve a murder to really get up our numbers, but I gotta figure out who's been murdered. I'm getting a lot more DMs. More people are sliding in the DMs. And from the podcasts that have come out so far, no chicks. I was thinking, oh, I might see boobie photos again like I did the first few seasons of Workaholics. It doesn't happen any longer. Now I just get really horny gay dudes. Okay. Really? Do you guys get horny gay dudes? Thank you, God!

I got one. Oh, I get, every day I get a handful, just like a handful of horny gay dudes that are like, I would swallow your dick hole, dick and balls. They'd swallow your dick hole or your dick hole? My dick and balls hole. Entirely. Put your dick hole in my ear hole. That's cool.

Can anyone do that where they get the whole dick and the balls? Yeah, for sure. Can anyone do that? We already told you, Durs, if you can think it, it can be done. I'm not saying there's not somebody who's into trying it. I'm saying, is it humanly possible? Oh, I guarantee it. Of course. If you think about it, it just depends on the size of the, you know, the wah-wah. Oh, I guess, yeah. If you have a super tiny dick, you could just go. If you had a tiny wah-wah.

Also, if it's hard or not, like we're not specifying if it's got to be hard or soft. If it's soft, I'm sure you can fit most dicks and balls in your mouth. I'm still going to send it. Is that going to be my new thing? Just watching soft dick BJs with the nuts involved? Is that a thing? Blake, Blake, you tell us. Is that your thing? Yeah. If you can dream it, it's on the net, baby.

When I'm hanging out with my wife's smart friends, I'm trying so hard to say shit that I don't know. And I just am like, I'm walking that tightrope. Ders is always like, that is so perplexing. Oh my gosh, that is...

Y'all really just perplexed me. Oh, I'm pretty perplexed. Let me think on that perplexogen. That is a real perplexity. Perplexogen. Because if you try, if you nail it, they're like, well, look who's arrived. But if you say the wrong word, they're like, this motherfucker is stupid. Yeah, you fall off flat. Yeah, what is your go-to smart word that you... Genitalia.

Genitalia is your go-to smart word? No, I don't fucking know. I'm like thinking of long words. Yeah, me too. Yeah, me too. I guess that's just long to me, bro. Yeah. Isn't there a misnomer? Is that a word? Yeah, yeah, misnomer. You know what I like to say is what we think we know.

That's my favorite smart person shit when they're like, well, what we think we know is that the koala is dying. Like they're so well read. My dad will drop at the end of the day to like, it's just, it's flagrant. Right. Where it's like, what do you mean at the end of the day? Like we don't have to have this conversation, like nothing about the end of the day. No, that's not what it means.

Isn't that what that means? No. No, the idiom means like the bottom line is... Idiom. He said idiom. That's a good one. Yeah, that's a great one. Idiom. Idiom is pretty good. But at the end of the day, meaning like after we argue, like till the end of the day, when we get to it, this is going to be what's up. So I know everything. No, it's not about arguing. It's not to the end of the day. It's at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, like summing it all up, like this is what it all. Right. The summation of the discussion is at the end of the day. Yes. Summation. Very good. The summation. Get them. I'm so proud of you. Yeah, baby. I'm your friend.

That's fucking dope. I might have to bring that one up. Summation. I might have to drop that at Thanksgiving dinner. Well, the summation is... Well, yeah, you got to have a fucking sentence with it too. I know. I was happy that it happened because I was able to use it. Yeah, but not in a sentence, just as a word. You just said the summation. No, I did use it in a sentence the first time and then I couldn't put it back into a sentence, but I did pull it out of a genuine sentence. A very genuine sentence.

If you do it in a sentence you know you could use at a dinner table, what's the summation of the salt you just used? But that's like, what do you mean? What the fuck was that? I feel like this has too much salt in it. There's too much summation.

Yeah. Ooh, I feel a little summation in my stomach. Not good. I feel like my steak was overly summated with salt. You could say that. You could say, like, what's your summation of Thanksgiving dinner? And then make sure, like, you fart right afterwards. Oh! Hello. That's comedy. That would bring the house down. ♪

What was it, season three or four that you guys got motorcycles? Blake had his first, and then I bought mine maybe a year or so after Blake got his. What kind of make and models are we talking? Yeah. I got a Harley right out the gate. It was crazy. It was my first motorcycle. It was a terrible decision.

Yeah, I got a Triumph 900. It was a souped-up bad bitch, and I really thought it was fucking cool. But I live... My house was in the Hollywood Hills, so I couldn't learn... I couldn't get in and out of my neighborhood. Right, it's tough. If I was able to, like, roll my way down this cliff, then I could actually drive it on the flatlands pretty easily. Like, that I could do. But I've...

Dropped it so many times. And every time you drop a motorcycle, it's a goddamn thousand dollars of bullshit that you got to fix because the clutch will pop off and all the shit will break. They're like, you don't know how to fix it because you're a fucking idiot because you don't know, as Kyle would say, man shit. Man shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry about it. Yeah, I'm saving it, but yeah. So I ended up, I don't have it anymore, but when I- You don't have it? You got rid of it? I got rid of it. Yeah, I sold it for like nothing, for like zero dollars. Okay. All right. That was going to be my question is what y'all doing with it and can I get it? I have one. I'm going to take yours.

So I remember one of the first times I dropped it, I was going down the side of the cliff in my neighborhood. You have to take like a hairpin turn to get out of the neighborhood. Yeah, gnarly, gnarly downhill hairpins. Yeah. And I just kind of lost control of the bike. There was nothing there. There was nothing in front of me. And there was guys working construction on this house right here. And I like...

I'm going to just drive into this bush. So I put the bike down real quick, you know, like an idiot. And I'm just like fall. And I like skid down the hill a little bit and I get up and I'm so embarrassed that I just dropped my expensive ass motorcycle just on the ground. It's going to be another fucking thousand dollars that I got to pay for this thing to get fixed.

by the way, I'm a half block away from my home. I didn't get out of the neighborhood and I was so embarrassed that all these guys saw and they're like, Oh shit, are you okay? And I look into the bush and go fucking squirrels. Yeah. Been there brother. As if, as if a squirrel came out and I'm such a good guy that I don't want to hit a squirrel. So I throw my motorcycle to the ground. Well, the coolest thing, the,

the only cool thing about falling off your motorcycle is that as soon as it happens, as soon as you drop your bike, you instantly get this embarrassment strength where you can just lift a thousand pounds. No problem. Like you just lift your bike up and these things are heavy as fuck. You're so embarrassed. And you're just like, I'm cool. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm on the side of a cliff. It's, it's, it's, you know, it's like an 800 pound motorcycle. And I'm like, no problem.

No problem. Just no problem. You get home, your back just seizes up. It's like, God damn. That was the most fun when you guys had those motorcycles and you come into the writer's room and talk about your trials. How terrifying it was riding in. Yeah, and it's just like, why do you have these things? Because I had three of the best rides of my life, man.

How many times did you ride it, Blake? About three to four times. Seriously? Yeah. Adam, like a dozen? Yeah, I probably took it out about a dozen times, but I crashed four times.

five times like it was almost a 50 crash rate for me getting in and out of my neighborhood and finally i it was the last time i did it uh i i was shooting the movie why him and i was in a scene with uh franco and brian cranston and we're standing around this table and we're talking and all of a sudden my leg seized up and and i made this like face i was like

Because it was like the most pain that I've experienced. Like a charley horse sensation? Yeah, it felt just like my, yeah, just like seized up. Like the muscles were like? Yeah, it was like something was like grabbing me like a python had wrapped around my leg and just was squeezing the shit out of me. That's Franco. That was Franco's python. You know he's got a hog. Yeah.

And then Bryan Cranston goes, I'm sorry. That's either you're in a lot of pain or that's the most insane character choice I've ever seen in my life. As if my character is just making some fucking bizarro face. And I'm like, ah, my fucking leg. I'm so sorry, guys. I don't know what happened. And I peel up my pants and I –

I guess I didn't look on the back of my – two days before this, over the weekend, I was driving my motorcycle and same hairpin turn and I was going up this time and I have to take this hard left in order to not drive off a cliff. And so I'm going to take this hard left.

And I eat shit once again. And I'm going to pick up the motorcycle, but it's heavy as fuck. So you really got to throw your body weight into it. And I just put my entire leg against the tailpipe. But I was hit by the cement truck, so I can't feel my skin.

So, like, I can't feel hot and cold. I can only feel pressure. I can't feel if my skin is just boiling off. So you were sizzling your shit. It was fully sizzling against the exhaust pipe. Oh, my God. Yeah. And so I just seared the shit out of my leg. Fucking squirrel!

It's on the back of my leg, so when I wash my body, I don't inspect the back of my legs. I just sort of go over it with my fucking loofah. Yeah, I treat myself. Is that some man shit, my brother? The loofahs? Loofahs are actually full of bacteria. I would not suggest them. They sit there and they collect so much. Okay, thank you, Dr. Nuiček. Well, I rub my open wounds with them. Yes. Yeah.

I would not suggest that. So anyway, so then I go back and I'm shooting this scene and they were like, well, you look absolutely insane. I peel my pants up and it's

and blue and green. It's the most magnificent looking wound you've ever seen. It's a beautiful piece of artwork. And then they were like, what are you doing? You're shooting a movie. You shouldn't be driving a motorcycle. Also, you obviously don't know how to drive a motorcycle, so don't drive. You're like, you don't understand. A fucking squirrel. Yeah. You just use that for the rest of your life. Fucking squirrel.

Who out of us is going to die first? Wow, that's a tough one. And I don't... You know, if you want to add in, if you want to sprinkle in that you think you know how it's going to happen. I know. Elaborate. But who's going to die first? Holy shit, dude. This is not fun for me. I'm like...

I don't want to... Well, why don't you cry about it? Fine. Who's going to live the longest? I'm going to probably... I bet Durs is going to live the longest. Okay. Because he drinks the least amount. He never smoked. He doesn't really smoke weed that often. Wait, I don't drink at all anymore, just so you know. Yeah, but you had... I don't drink at all. Mm-hmm.

but you smoked for ever. Yeah, but I smoked for, yes, correct. But I just wanted to say he, he drinks the least. I don't, I don't drink at all. I drink the most milkshakes. I think if my heart will say, stop it and just quit it. If that's, are we saying who, okay. I,

This is just my idea. Go for it. Okay. So I believe Durs is going to last the longest. Then Blake. Blake runs every day. He's a physical specimen. Thanks. Then Kyle. And then I'm going to die...

uh, in a helicopter crash, uh, in the next 15 years. And once I learned how to drive a helicopter, Oh, you will be piloting. Wow. Yeah, I'll be piloting. I'm going to, it's going to be something silly and stupid. I'm still going to send it, but I'm still going to send it. I was waiting for that one. Uh, yeah, I don't know. That's my, that's what I think.

And maybe my heart will go. Because I do chug Z-Quil every night. Yeah, that's true. And I do drink a carafe of coffee every morning. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely, I kind of agree with you on you going out first. I definitely am there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would also agree. I would, I would count on Adam going out first. Yeah. But you got to say why just saying I'm going to die first. Like, why am I going to do something? No, Dura said we could just sprinkle it, but I think it's going to be somewhere. I think we're all going to live a little bit later. I don't think anybody's going out anytime soon.

I feel like we have decades to spend with each other. I like that. Maybe. But then, you know, maybe when we start getting up to around 75 around there, we're going to start dropping. Well, yeah, that's how human beings all do that, though. I'm going to 100. I think around 90. Well, I think, yeah, around 90, 95, we're going to start feeling old.

I'm going to a hundred. I'm going to a hundred. Adam just reminded me of his nightly routine. And I think that that's, that's a tick and Tom bomb. The, uh,

the like caffeine and then like the NyQuil whatever the fuck it is I think that's not good for your body but he's a strong boy and I think that he'll be able to withstand that for another 35 years at least you know I don't doubt that I think he's got that Tom Cruise vigor but hey man I also think Tom Cruise died 20 years ago and we've been dealing with a robot oh you got a clone conspiracy oh dude I hope I come back as a Tom Cruise robot

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What's cool about Kyle is that his creative, what would you call this, his fountain of creativity is very personal. And my favorite iteration of this is when Adam and Blake both, they all live together, but Adam and Blake had girlfriends and Kyle did not. So these guys would just

bail on kyle and be like we're going out to play ski ball or whatever hit a bar we also had we were dating uh roommates right as well you guys were roommates right the girls were roommates i have my dog kyle would just be like the fucking fifth wheel and he'd get left home and through this sorrow he created one of the greatest concept albums known to man oh man unreleased

Friends of Aliens. Yeah. Yep. I'm fucking aliens tonight. Do you want to give the log line, the synopsis of love? Yeah, dude. Yeah. It was all about a guy, me, who could not find love and decided to go to space and

and was really smart, like went to space like immediately. No one understood him here on Earth. Nobody understood the person on Earth, so he had to... You know what? This was probably also within four months, four to six months of...

Blake not getting the Starbucks commercial, get cut it out of the Starbucks commercial and saying he's going back to Concord. So I think you were in that headspace of, you know what? I'm just going to get the fuck out of here. Blake chose Concord. You chose the moon, baby. Yeah. The whole goal of the character was to make like good music, but he wasn't very good at it. So he went to space and then no one can judge me in outer space. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I immediately found an alien who like we fucked like right away. It was just. You did. And you don't know if it was a girl alien or a guy alien. Androgynous. Very. Yeah. Very non-gender specific. Non-gender. Did you bust? Oh my God. I busted hard. Yeah. It's in the song. We fucked and it was sick. And then I ended up bringing the alien back to earth and.

and we just made music together and took hella drugs. Yeah, that sounds very... Smoke weed every day. That's cool. Drugs and tacos? Very under the influence. Yeah, tacos and drugs, exactly. Ate hella tacos and smoked weed. When I was in high school, I was... Maybe not even in high school. It might have been eighth grade, I think. And a girl that went to another school, we started instant messaging each other, AOL style. And she really wanted to see...

and it was her and it might have been her and like 10 of her friends but uh she really wanted to see

my limp dick go from a limp dick to a hard dick. And by the way, no one has ever even seen my dick by eighth grade. Like my dick was just, it was just me and my own. And yeah, she wanted to see this. Newcomer. Yeah. And then I saw her at like a soccer game or like some football game or some shit. And it was so awkward because she like came and sat by me and she's like, so, and I'm like thinking like, am I going to have to show this girl my limp dick?

like go behind a dumpster and show her my limp penis. Romantic. There's no dumpsters here. Sorry. And I was so glad that she didn't broach the subject, uh,

Yeah. Because that would have been it. Because she didn't know what you were talking about because you hadn't been talking to her. Right. Exactly. You've been talking to her big brother who was exploring himself. No. Well, because we didn't know each other beyond just instant messaging. Like all we know. Right. That's when you had, think about it. That's when you had one family computer. And if like you had a sleepover or something, there was you plus a gang of your homies talking to whoever you were talking to. Absolutely. Same thing was happening on the other side of that conversation.

instant message oh cyber sex was the shit yo do you cyber needs to be the fucking merch i want to cyber so bad again it was so fun to cyber i'll cyber with you that would be tight i can i can be anybody

I think I would have been a pretty good first baseman. I think it would have been dope. Plus, baseball, you don't have to be super athletic. You could be a big boy at first. Especially a first baseman. Like, I'm just standing there. That's not true. Nowadays, you have to be pretty fucking athletic. Have you seen these baseball players now? They're all ripped as fuck. Hell yeah.

Hello. Yeah, but the goal back then was just to hit home runs and trot around the bases. That's all I was doing. And then standing at first base and stretching to get a ball. Yeah, but if you were a major league baseball player, you would have just now gotten to the point that you're too old to play.

Right. You know what I mean? 37? Is that too old? I mean, yeah, you would have to be like super elite to be 37 and still in the league. Wow, dude, that's crazy to think about. I could have been like done. Yeah, but you would have had a real career. You blew it and then you could have gotten in your directing dreams. You blew it, dude. You blew it, bud.

What is the contents of lean? It's codeine and what else? Fruit punch or something? Sounds good. You like mix it with Fanta. You do it however you want, really. Sprite. Like Faygo? Yeah. I guess you could do a Faygo if you were a codeine juggalo. Damn. That's a combo. Trying to get some Faygo sent his way. Yeah, come on.

I'm sure people have done it. Hit him with some moon mist. I can't believe Kyle never became a full-on juggalo. It is weird. Yeah. You have all the makings. Blake, my hair's getting incredibly long nowadays, and I legit am waking up with it in my mouth. Uh-huh. What the fuck? That is a scary moment. What is going on? I've had it affect my dreams, like seep into my dreams when my hair's in my mouth. Do you pull your hair back while you're sleeping? Uh, sometimes.

Kyle, you've had long hair for a long time. What do you mean this isn't just now? Dude, I've never had it this long. Never. It's never been down to my titties. Titties. Okay, but it's been long enough to be in your mouth. Your mounds? Not since like 2014, something like that, six years ago. And I would buzz my head. I would get to the point where I would just buzz it. I've never lived with it. Blake has lived with long hair for what? Two years.

Over a decade. Yeah, it's getting up there. You've never cut it. That's true. Right? I do sometimes. All right. Now, here's a question. Do you guys all maintain your pubic zones? Manscaped? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do. Every two months, I do.

Yeah, probably every couple months I do as well. I feel like that's something I could do every two months. I think I wait a little longer. It's overkill. Yeah. Well, okay, so here's the question. If you don't, does it just keep growing forever? And can you have super long hair like your head of hair but in your dick zone?

Can you straighten it and have like a beautiful, luscious crotch head of hair? Like parted in the middle. You're joking, but what happens is it hardens and turns into like the horn of a rhinoceros. It's like a hair tusk. Right.

that encases your phallus and protects it. Pizza, pizza. I know you're joking, but... That seems real to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've actually never let it go that long. How long does it take for it to turn into the tusk? 18 months. No.

Oh, damn. I feel like I'm specific. That's amazing. Yeah, all kidding aside. Yeah, it is like calcium. Deposits. Right? Hair is calcium, dead calcium. I wonder what the longest pubic hair is because obviously like for Guinness Book of World Records,

Why don't they just give us what we want? Yeah. We want longest dick. It has to be in there. Stop fucking around. We want longest pubes. Do they not do? They need a porn or like anatomy. Okay. Yeah, no, like a porn Guinness. Yes. Here's a, according to the illustrated book of sexual records, the longest known pubic hair in history was 28 inches long and belonged to a woman from South Africa. There we go. Wow.

The hair was so long it reached her knees. The same woman had armpit hair that was 32 inches long. Oh, this woman was fun. That's awesome. But like, what was runner up? What was runner up? Like, is she a freak of nature kind of thing where it's just like, that's the one? Or are there like 20,000 people out there with 10 inch long pubic hair? That's what I'm more interested in. Right. Like, is this a common thing to have foot long pubes? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to try. Illustrated book of sexual records. So that is a book, the illustrated book of sexual records. That's tight. I bet if you started to comb it and you started to take care of it, I bet if you started to actually train it, it would grow longer than if you just put on underwear and made it crumple up. You know what I mean? Sure. Yeah, you have to be able to comb it out and you're training it. Right.

You're putting carrot juice. Just because if not, it'll just roll up onto itself. For sure. And you'd have dreadlocks down there, and then that would crumple up. Yeah, right. Exactly. What do you mean you would have? Are you not supposed to have? Is it not? You're rocking dreads? Ders' pubic hair looks like the two twin Matrix brothers, the blonde dreadlock dudes.

I would go into a chat room and then lure dudes and pretend I was a chick. And then when it got to the point of where it was...

was getting hot you'd be like oh man my dick is so hard and then they'd be like wait you're a dude and you're like yeah wait what did i miss commute were you by yourself or with your friends it varied this is something i cannot corroborate so this is not i don't remember this i've known blake forever i pretty sure this was a solo act of his kyle quit covering your tracks you and kyle were in his basement alone just this is important

Dude, I truly don't. Just luring guys. It's funny, so I imagine we would do it. The old bait and switch? Come on. Yeah, no, I get it. But if you're doing a bait and switch on your own and fist bumping yourself... It's called trolling, man. For some of us, it feels very good and it's all we have. Yeah, yeah. Do you cyber?

ASL. If you guys cybered right now, I think that would be kind of harmless. Like if I were to cyber with any of you guys, it would be just like, you know, helping each other out. I wonder if we have the most homoerotic, uh, podcasts in the top 200 podcasts. I wonder if we are the most homoerotic. Yeah. What's that category? Where do we rank in the homoerotic? Yeah, we're up there. I'd say we're up there after listening to, uh, to the Mary fuck kill episode where, uh,

you guys just went in depth on why you'd want to fuck me and, and, uh, and Blake. Yeah. I'm going in depth. All right. Going in depth. That was part of the game. Yeah. I was thinking about that recently. It's a good, it's a good game. It's a good game. Once you get spinning on it, I'm hitting that B spot. Wow. Whoa. Yeah.

I used to go up to Kyle's house during Thanksgiving and... His parents' house. Yeah, Kyle's parents' house in the Bay Area. And we would weigh ourselves like before Thanksgiving and then the night after.

like the night of Thanksgiving. Yeah. Like that, that morning and then that night. And then I, one year you hold the record. I hold the record. I gained 10 pounds. No dude, it was 12. Okay. Yeah. You know, you gained 12 pounds in a matter of days, like a true fucking athlete. Yeah. It was like a day and a half. And I just like,

Put it the fuck on. Yeah. You were like a boxer getting ready for a fight. I was so proud of you. You would be an amazing prize fighter. I think it's the opposite. I was loading.

No, I'm a boxer. I'm after I, it was the way in was that morning. And then you try to put on as much weight as possible up until the fight. So you, you got all that juice was so, cause we would do like, you come home and you do like five or six Thanksgivings. You do like friends giving your buddies Thanksgiving, your family's Thanksgiving, your extended family's Thanksgiving. And then just the leftovers, you know, cause you're hungry. Sounds like that stovetop commercial where they're trying to game it. Cause it's like my mom,

cooking stove top at 530 my mom's cooking it at 630 and they fucking double up well Durr's in this picture is doing a classic like dad dance like walk like an Egyptian it looks like he's having King Tut hey no bullshit I was doing that exact dance 20 minutes before we were rolling today

Hey, it's a classic. It's my go-to. The walk like an Egyptian dance, that maneuver. Yeah, some guys are just built to be dads, you know, and you're one of them. Yeah, I'm sure if you Google search She-Hulk nude, you're going to find some good stuff. That's my ideal body type is a female, not a female bodybuilder, but a female bodybuilder.

Yeah. Like to get that lean female CrossFit bod, because they're jacked. Don't get it twisted. Oh, we're not. We're not. No, not at all. They're ripped. Yeah, no, that's cool. But not as ripped as like the guys get too big, too bulky. I'm trying to get that lean CrossFit bod. You want that Annie Thor's daughter bod? Annie Thor's daughter. Yeah, I'm talking about CrossFit women. They're like the champions. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You want that Tia Claire Toomey bod? I'm trying to get that straight out of Sweden. Right. What's that blonde chick? The Icelandic girls are running it. Women are running it. Are their names hella dope? Because as soon as you get into those Scandinavian names, they're so rockstar.

They're dope, except that they're like the patriarch. So like everybody's last name is like Sigmund's daughter or David's daughter. Really? So when you said Thor's daughter, that's actually the name? Yeah, I think it's like a thing that they do in the land of ice, baby. Wow, that is trippy. So the name, how do you spell it? Is it like two words? Catrin David's daughter.

Is that right? David's daughter. It's Catherine's David's daughter. Catherine Zeta-Jo. How do you spell Thor's daughter? It's with like a D-O-T-T-E-R. She's daughter in lasers. She dips beneath. David's daughter.

If you watch Pitch Perfect, the opening scene of that movie is of my face. And they shot that at the very end of the movie. And I had gained 25 pounds. Wow. I remember shooting that movie. I remember when I saw you guys, because I saw you guys the moment I left for the movie.

Yeah. Because it was after the season two wrap party workaholics. You had like your suitcase with you, right? Yeah. I had to bring my suitcase with me to the wrap party. I got to stay for like an hour and then I had to get on the flight. And then I left. And then when I came back, we were doing some red carpet for like Spike Award show or some shit. And I flew back, landed, drove straight to the red carpet. Oh my God.

plopped out of the suv that they drove me in and you guys were all like jesus christ you were just grabbing your belt like chris farley's time yeah fucking blake was especially like dear god man what happened to you i'm like what what do you mean what happened i had a great time oysters happened yeah didn't you think that oysters were like very healthy like because somebody is it

Didn't you think oysters were like the salad of the sea? I kept calling them the salad of the sea. Well, I thought they were... You wouldn't think that oysters are going to be really hot. I mean, maybe you would, but to me... Because...

They don't seem like they're high in fat, but they are. And I tell people that and they're like, oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, they are. It's like a good fat. It's like avocado. But you're not supposed to eat eight avocados in a day. And so I was eating a dozen oysters before my fried po' boy sandwich. Before work? Before we roll. Yeah, I thought it was going to be before call time.

Yeah. And then also just like a full blown, probably the closest I've been to being like a true alcoholic, you know, where people would are probably like, Oh, he's really drinking a lot every day. Cause I didn't shoot that much on the movie. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's like New Orleans too. Right. So you're, you're, it's all,

Yeah, it was Louisiana. And so I was just eating and drinking like a fucking monster every day. Having a blast doing the movie and being there and being in Louisiana and eating and drinking everything. Pizza, pizza. And yeah, and then came back and my head was a completely different size. So if you watch that movie, you see, you're like, oh, I bet that was in the beginning of when they started shooting. Because it would go from like one scene, my head is like...

Bloop, bloop, bloop. And it just like levels out and it's fucking just a giant, meaty, puffy, doughy, fat fucking head. And then the very next scene, all of a sudden I have a jawline again. And I was doing a dance move that I still will do when I reach a...

peak level bro down drunk when you're like you're not trying to you know impress anyone you're just with your dudes and you're acting straight silly which is uh i do a move where i aggressively stir my drink yes i have seen that a few times yeah that's that's my go-to dance move that's a good one and then where and then let's talk about when you're trying to impress people the b side of uh

When you're not, what's the move? Oh, what's the dance move when you're, when you're, that's a great question. Well, then I go into, then I'm like, I revert to like, I'm a fourth grader and I'm at my aunt's wedding. And I'm convinced that someone, did you guys ever do this? Or is this just me and my fucking psychotic head where I would, I would imagine cyber sex people that there's a, a professional dance scout.

In the audience at my aunt's wedding in Waterloo. You're a true psychopath. Hang on a second. Who's that kid? And I was like... Hold the bouquet. I would dance so hard until like every inch of me was sweating because I just danced for like six hours straight, just doing cartwheel splits, thinking like they're about to approach any moment. I got to...

It's the same sort of mindset as when you're practicing hoops as a kid and you're in your driveway and it's always the...

three, two, one, and you shoot and you miss, but you get the rebound and they're like, there's still a second left. And then you like put it up, then you miss again. And then there's like, oh, this is the very last second. And then you make it. I like that analogy. I do not see how the dancing thing is the same, but I'm trying to follow. I'm trying to win the game, dude. I do like how everything in Adam's mind was for an audience. Yeah. I was just shooting hoops.

Get the fuck out of here. You would hit the game winning shot? Come on. You were never trying to win the game winning shot or it was 3-2-1 and always. I will say this. No, I wasn't. Really? I was never trying to impress people I thought would roll up or think would see me. I was trying to impress people that were like, there.

I didn't have like an imaginary like... An imagination. Okay. Bill Cartwright himself is going to pull up. You imagine this whole scenario that allows you to get ready for when the dance is real. You know what I mean? You have to put yourself in that. That's just a form of preparation, I think, like mental preparation. I like that, Kyle. I like that. There's two different things we're talking about here. There's visualization about a race or a game. And then there's...

I wonder if someone's going to discover me shooting hoops. But what's the difference between the two? Honestly, when you look at this, it's like... One is about you and the other is about the game and the fucking process.

They're both about you. One is about how you perform in the game and during and under the when you're in when the moment counts. And the other one is when you're performing and there happens to be a scout out there that can give you the tickets, then the keys to Hollywood. What's the difference? I guess I would say I differentiate those two from the execution of something and you.

But the execution of a dance move is just like the execution of a three-pointer and a rebound. I know, but I'm sorry. This is exactly where I didn't want the conversation to go. We're talking dance. I'm super curious because it's like, to me, it feels like exactly the same thing. I know, but my point is...

Are you trying to nail the dance move to nail it? Or are you trying to nail the dance move so someone comes up to you and goes, hey man, you

You nailed that dance move. Well, can I just say that I know that I wasn't, I'm not a true, what? Hang on. Hang on. I'm not a true psychopath, and I truly believe in Waterloo, Iowa, there's a professional dance scout who's going to find me. It's just a fun imaginary thing that I like to make up that helps me dance harder at Cindy's wedding. Okay. Right. Because you think you will be discovered.

That's just a fun thing I'm doing in my imagination. Much like when I'm practicing shooting hoops, it's a fun thing to imagine that I'm hitting a game-winning shot and I'm Michael Jordan and it's the 1996 finals. But in Adam's case, specifically in Adam's case, he came here and became a performer. He's not a dancer, though. A professional performer. He's not a dancer, but he is performing with eyes on him.

That's his job. Have I danced in movies, Blake? You have. Multiple movies. And I believe, didn't you at the Oscars dance? Oh, at the Emmys, I did a whole weird, very weird dance number. Adam is a song and dance man. He is. Yeah. Yeah. You're a song and dance man. And it started there with the visualization at your aunt's wedding that some talent scout might be watching you. So kids, don't be afraid. Don't listen to negative derrs over there. There actually has to be...

a talent scout there in order to imagine it. You can just pretend and have a fun imagination. You're missing the point. Hold on. What point are we missing? Look, you're imagining the payoff for something as opposed to just getting it right. No, he's not dancing to win. He's dancing for a purpose. For attention.

There was not one particular move. There was a lot of moves strung together. Wait, what is the differential? Well, I don't understand where you are differentiating between sports and like entertainment. Like, what are you? I didn't bring up dancing. You did. No, I did. But what is the difference between winning a game and

And winning step up to the streets, the TV show. Yeah. And winning in entertainment, whatever those bars are, there's not an actual ribbon. There's not an actual judge, but what is the difference there? The difference is he's doing it to be the guy who shoots the game winning shot as opposed to just working on the shot.

and getting good at the shot and then going to be the guy who wins the game with the shot. He's sitting around not being good at it going, I'm the guy who won the shot. I hope somebody drives by and sees me. But I was practicing. I was getting better. I mean, I just wasn't very naturally gifted at basketball. I kind of always sucked, but... Or at dancing, but like, you know... Well, no, I take that back. I'm not a bad dancer. I can dance. Okay.

Oh, I just am curious. Adam, I think you're a pretty good basketball player. Just decide. Hey, thanks, Blake. Yeah. I've seen worse. Yeah, well, yeah. We've seen worse. I'm definitely one of those worst players, for sure. Man, I'm so glad we went down that. Me too. I'm still... He's still there. I'm glad that Blake brought up the Emmys dance, because that was one of the weirdest days of my life, where, like, three days...

Maybe a week before they were like, Hey, uh, I think someone must've fell out and like they needed to fill a segment and Josh, Josh Gad for sure dropped out. All right. The Emmys asked me to do like a song and dance number to, um, present the, uh,

I don't even know. I can't remember what it was for. Best song in a movie? No, it was best. It was Emmys. So it was musical or comedy. Exactly. And so I had, I did a huge song and dance number and I had like two days to learn it. And yeah,

It's insane, by the way. It's like the craziest thing. Like 50 dancers come out. There's the giant mass singer. I have to like do a flip over someone. Samantha Bee's there. It's so weird. But then the weirdest part is like looking is right before I'm about to start. I look out and just see Michael Douglas just staring at me.

Just like the sea of famous people looking back at you going, what the fuck is this? As I'm like singing and dancing and doing a thing. And then looking out and just seeing the...

Every famous person you've ever seen in your life. Was Michael Douglas giving you like a courtesy smile? No. Great work, Adam. Guess what all those people are in the audience? They're potential scouts. They were all scouting. That's what I was thinking. I was like, they're all going to fucking find me, dude. They are scouting you. They're judging you. They are. If you're like, if I could have a little audience participation, countdown three.

two one and then you shoot a fireball yeah i gotta hit the final closing number uh no i remember michael douglas being not uh into my song and dance admittedly unresponsive admittedly it was so weird like because i watched the show up until they're like okay and it's 15 minutes or 10 minutes or whatever until you and then they took me backstage and like

It's the most Hollywood thing you can do because there's like chorus girls and there's like professional dancers and singers that are accompanying me. And then it's just like you go on stage and it's...

spotlight is on you and you look out and there's like every famous person you've ever you could even imagine is just in the audience yeah uh and it was the fucking weirdest thing sinbad was there i wish every person i imagine if you can imagine it's on the internet

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Come on, the virus. The virus, of course. Oh, yeah, it's still sweeping the world, huh? Still out there. The virus is still out there. I wouldn't mind if it just swept right out of the fucking planet. Yeah, that'd be nice. I'm trying to get back to business. Look at these CrossFit women. Don't you want your body to look? I mean, Blake already kind of looks like a hot CrossFit babe. Is that what it is, Adam? Is it like they look how you want to look? Yeah.

I'm not saying I'm trying to fuck these women. I'm saying I want my body to look like these CrossFit women. Wait, you're saying you want to be these women. Oh, that one right there. Lauren Fisher. She's famous. She's a beast. I think they're all kind of famous. Like this...

I'd take that lean-ass Danielle Seidel. Well, it's really just their abdominals is what you're drawn to, right? No, dude, the quads are out of hand. Okay. Brooke Ants. I'm trying to be a CrossFit chick. That's what I want. Adam, I fully support this. If you started rocking, yeah, start rocking like a sports bra and just hitting the beat.

Dude, that's actually a cool look. People would be like, where do you work out? You're like, I've never seen a homie rock a sports bra and it probably looks cool as fuck. Like the cutoff tee game is sick. Yeah, I could see no matter what I do and I work out really hard and no matter what I do, I still have a little belly fat. I work out every day and I can't, I can't have the body of a Sarah Sigmund's daughter. Yeah. Dough tearer.

we should get a, a Kickstarter or GoFundMe for, to free Carl and just see how much like money, like dumb money we can get and then throw a, uh, a Kyle release or a Carl release party. Here we go. Uh,

And have a fucking carnival or something, you know? Bro, I love it when you spitball. Yeah, okay. I don't see anything going on with that. I feel like... Yeah. I love it. You know, with the prison system right now, I think that's a great call just to... I... Hey, Anders? Yes, Adam? Thank you. And I totally agree. I love it when Adam just like stream of consciousness like gets these great ideas.

That's fantastic. Yeah. And they just come to me. Should we do this? Like, it would be crazy, right? We just ask for money for nothing. Yeah. Why not? Wouldn't that be awesome? And then drink the money away. Yeah. Well, we'll obviously be an open bar, but then we'll have like a dope party for Carl to come out of prison. Prison. And we'll get like a... Prison in quotes. We'll get a blow up...

prison for Kyle to like be stuck in. Like a bounce house? Yeah, exactly. Now you're thinking. And then we get him and then we're like, and we'll like dress up like Eric Griffin as like a judge or something. And he'll like bang a gavel and he's like, I now sentence you to take a beer bong. Yeah.

This is when we all find out that Adam has fallen on some real hard times. I'm trying to embezzle money from the Free Carl Foundation. We should do this crazy thing, guys. I'm having trouble paying my mortgage. It's the dark carnival of the souls, but for workaholics fans, let's do it. Adam McAfee.

If we were, all four of us, to be a fight to the death cage match where you get to choose a weapon, what weapon are you bringing to the table? What weapon can you wield masterfully? Well, hang on. Is this fight in front of a bunch of people?

It is. Oh, thank God. So I'll do well. I'm just bringing their positive vibes. I like that. It doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. See, what I'll do... Oh, that doesn't matter. What I'll do is I'll imagine that there's a scout out there, a fighting scout. And... Yes? Yes.

Don King. It's nitro from American gladiators that nitros out there. He's judging the whole situation. I'm imagining nitros out there and I have to, uh, win this fight for nitro. And that'll give me the, uh, the motivation I need to succeed. And my answer is, uh, uh, those little knife, uh,

Uh, things that, uh, Raphael had cool, but rude route size. Yeah. Size size. I like your size. Those are tight. Also what Donatello had just a big ass stick that works. Cause you could poke people. You can hit them from far away. Both staff.

Yeah. Did you watch Ninja Turtles? Yeah, I don't know. I didn't know any of their weapon names. I know nunchucks. See, that's the only way I can answer this question is imagine myself as an action figure and what comes in the package with me. Yeah. I would rock Leonardo's sharp long metals. Sharp long metals.

When I imagine myself as an action figure and what comes with me, I think I'm going like fucking raw with like a baseball bat with some fucking sharp metals in the end of it so I can swing the fuck out of that. So you're a Casey Jones. Casey Jones with like blades at the end of the bat.

Is that a Jose Canseco bat? Tell me you didn't pay money for this. Well, here's the issue with just having a baseball bat with blades of sorts is what I'm going to do. I'm definitely fabricating my own thing. I know that. There's a lure to my weapon. That's okay. And that's fine. We'll allow him to tear your lure apart real quick. Go ahead. And that's fine. What I would do is you would swing. You'd swing at me, right? And then I'd swing.

slide using my fourth grade honed dance maneuvers that I've honed through the years at random weddings looking for scouts and I would slide on my knees right after you swung the bat I'd stay out of bat reach then I'd slide in with my size and cut up them thighs and

Size to the thighs. Size to the thighs, babe. Just two on each thigh. Just think that. Okay. Not, and then not even worry about the dick. I'm not worried about the dick. I'm like, if you cut the inner thighs. Thank you. And then you shred, you shred down. Thank you though, by the way. Thank you for not. You might want to worry about it. No, I'm saying, I'm saying if I know Kyle and I do, I might hit the tip.

Thank you. I might hit the tip, but this guy's a droopy dog. He's got a droopy, sad. It's not necessarily long. It's like a sad sack. It's like a... Okay. I'll still say thank you to that. You're going to pin the sack to the thigh? Yeah, I'm going to pin the side to the thigh. Do you think you would escape from a prison? Me? Do you think you would have that in you? I would, for sure. Yeah, I would definitely try.

I don't know if I would make it, but I would definitely try. I don't know. I guess it depends. Yeah, I love it. Kyle's like a cool hand Luke. He's like, at least I tried though. At least I tried. I don't know. I might just sell my asshole. Yeah. And stay there? Yeah. Just be like, really? Just be the... That was a quick turn. Yeah. Okay. What did I do in jail? Sell my asshole? Oh, okay. All right.

I don't know. That's a lot of work. You got to stay up every night. You're getting no sleep. You got to stay up every night to be digging the tunnel. When you could just like, you know, sell your asshole and then get all the cigarettes and you get little candy. Like they'll give you Tic Tacs. I like how you think you're going to sell your asshole. They're taking your asshole. Yeah. No, I'm not. They're not taking it. I'm giving it. They're going to keep their Tic Tacs in your asshole.

They're cigarettes. Your asshole's their cigarette holder. Yeah, they're gonna go, give me your fucking asshole. I'm like, you don't have to take it. It's right here for your taking. And they're gonna be like, okay, all right. I don't know if you're gonna give it up that hard. And I'm like, yeah, well, whoever has the most cigarettes for me to smoke, that gets my sweet puckery butthole. I like your reverse psychology. It's like a cool who wants to be a millionaire game show.

Who's going to win my butthole tonight? Yeah, I'm running a game show out of the prison. Out of my butthole. Spoiler alert, Adam. They're all going to fuck your asshole. Yeah, man. Everybody wins. Who gets it? Everybody. For five cigarettes. I get it first.

I think if you and I were cellmates, I think we could hatch a plan to escape. I think we could figure it out. Dude, I would make the sickest paper mache us to leave under the covers while we fucking crept out. Yeah, dude. I would definitely go to the library and find a way to talk to the warden and talk about the building and the architecture and get the schematics of the place. I would work that shit. But why do you want to escape when next week Ariana Grande is performing?

Come on. We got a free show next week. See, that would be my job. I'd be concert promoter. That's why we're escaping. Hey, you know what, Blake? That's how we're escaping, actually. Because when everybody's over here looking at Ariana Grande, we're out our motherfucking tunnel that we've been working on for a couple weeks. And you know what? When you guys need to relax and take some time off, you can fuck my asshole. Man.

Man, last night we dug a hole. We dug so much deep hole. I need a little bit more deep hole. Yeah, Kyle's like, Durst, what happened? You were supposed to dig last night. He's like, I don't know, Adam let me fuck him for three cigarettes. Yeah.

I couldn't resist. And I'm over here like, God is a woman. Damn, our prison rocks, dude. We got a pretty dope prison. Dude, I would be drawing hella drawings. That's what I would be doing. I would be giving art away to avoid penetration. Yeah, so can you write my name real quick? Like, cool. Right. I would just draw graffiti of names or pictures of people's children. Gosh, okay.

Say, hey, man. Hell yeah. I feel like I would end up getting so many just dollops of free potatoes that people would want to like free mashed potatoes. You're getting dollops. Your butt is a bowl. People are going to want to stop fucking my asshole because my ass is going to be too big. They're like, ah, you know what? Your approach to this whole question is just great, man. No, it's never too big.

There's always another dude in jail who's like, actually, I could fit that pretty well. No, they're just going to be putting a straw in your butt and slurping the potatoes out. Right.

Or washing the cat. They're just going to wash the cat. This bro got that She-Hulk booty. Yeesh. Yeesh. Do you know She-Hulk over in Cell Block 7? Your name is She-Hulk? That's your name. He's built like a CrossFit girl. Wow. Yeah, so he like...

was bullying me and my dad told me that like I have to hit him first. My mom was like only hit him if he hits you first. My dad's like you're much smaller than him. Definitely hit him first. Scare the shit out of him. Like...

"Beat the shit out of him, and then he won't hurt you anymore." And I'm like, "Got it." So then the next day at school, I took my book out from my backpack and went up to him as he was sitting down in a desk and just clubbed him in the side of the head with it, like almost knocking him out.

And then like a week later, I see him at the top of a staircase and I fucking 300 style kicked him down this staircase and he like dislocated his shoulder. So yeah. How does it feel? How does it feel to know that you were a bully? Yeah. So I was for sure his bully. In hindsight, I realized that. But at the time, I was like, he was bullying. You're a fucking dickhead. No, he was bullying me, Kyle. He didn't hit you with a book or kick you downstairs, player. No, he hit me with his fist.

Who's the bully? Is this our murder podcast right here, dude? He hit me with his fist first. So, yeah, did I deserve that? I don't know, man. This sounds like a movie reveal, like the likes of Fight Club, where all of a sudden your face is on his body. You thought you were at the bottom of the stairs and he was looking down on you. What's cool is Adam was just bringing up kind of like an eye for an eye, but he just hit him and Adam then threw him off stairs.

So it's kind of like an eye for a shoulder. Good job, Dennis. Well, also, yeah, my dad just gave me real piss poor advice. Kill him. You could kill him. Well, I do say that's like my dream role is like the movie Fear. Like, I feel like I do well with something like that where...

You remember that movie Fear with Mark Wahlberg where he's just like everybody kind of likes him and he's like the new boyfriend and he's cute and everyone's like, yeah, he's a nice guy. I think I'd do well with like, oh, no, we like him. You look at him, little cutie. He's good for you. And then I'm a fucking lunatic. Then you start carving shit into your chest. And then I imagine there's all kinds of like –

serial killer scouts out there looking for me and I'm gonna be like the number one. - Yeah, you gotta be the best. - Now I can kill him. - We want all the gay dudes that are offering, I was gonna say threatening, but no, they're offering. They're offering to swallow my dick and balls whole and to tongue my butthole while my dick and balls are in their mouth.

Fly on over to Kyle's Instagram and offer him up something. Yeah, what's your at? What's your at, Kyle? Kyle Newachek, just my name. Why don't you go on over to at Kyle Newachek's Instagram and tell him what you want to do with his veggies that he just pulled out of his garden. Yeah.

Thank you, baby. And next week we'll read the top five comments. And I don't want any straight guys going on there trying to be funny. We'll know. We'll know. We'll do some deep diving. We want the real deal. We want you to actually offer up that throat if you'd like. Only if you'd like. Allegedly.

I'm just not going to sign the document that says if Blake goes to prison, we're all going to prison. So you don't want a soul link with me? No, no. Unbelievable. Let's say if I go to prison and I come out of prison, will you guys be there waiting for me? With an Omaha steak? Yeah. To take me immediately to the hospital? Yeah.

Because my asshole's concaved. Absolutely. Where's the prison? Sing Sing. Let's just say it's Oregon. Oregon? No. Beautiful country up there. You're not going to come... Get me out of prison, Kyle? No.

No. Why not? Oh, man. Why not? Well, what time of year is it? It's, you know, this time it's October. Getting cold. Beautiful. It's getting cold. It's like 30 degrees up there. It's almost freezing. I don't do that well. Well, you know what? At this time, we probably have one of the biggest podcasts in the world. Allegedly. You guys bring a whole audio setup to start the podcast back up again. As soon as I get out of prison, I get out of prison. I go into the van. We fire up the next pod. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Hot. That's a pod... I'm tuning in. How about this? Are you allowed to do a podcast from jail? I'll remote in. Well, you can rap from jail. I actually think you probably could. Yeah. I think that you also can have an Instagram in jail. Yeah, I think it depends where you're in prison. And I feel if one of us is going to prison, it's probably overseas off of some dumb shit.

The most hilarious stuff from all that terrible, like, Epstein shit is when they're, like, to his face telling him, like, his dick looks like a little football or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

He's like, as I've said before, do I have to answer this? Amazing. That shit was hilarious. Takes off his microphone. It's like, dude, that's your hot button? That's like the best hidden camera show that you actually know there's a camera there ever. Right. They were like, is it true your dick looks like a Nerf Vornado football? What?

This dude was straight-faced like, what are we doing here? Is it true you have lumpy cum? Oh, lumpy. He's like, I'm going to take my microphone off. I can't handle this. Oh, but you can handle every other question. You got to roast the dude. Coming after your weird-shaped dick. You're out of here? You got to roast him. I think every prisoner or person who's found guilty should have to go through a roasting. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I think that'd be great. Yeah. I mean, shit. It'll clean up the streets.

Once they're found guilty, the jury has just been working on fucking slams. Yeah, just ranks. Yeah, okay, before you leave the courtroom, we roast you. We found you guilty on 12 counts. Also, your mom is so fat. And the jury's like, how fat is she? Oh, snap. How fat is she? Jury of your peers. That would be fucking awesome. Starbucks Iced Apple Crisp Oat Milk Shaken Espresso.

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