Ep 168: Live from San Jose: Gavin Newsom Hates Blake’s Hair
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Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we talk about what's obviously most critically, crucially important. Today on This is Important. I said, no bitch, you read, and while you're at it, play the harp. Damn, I'm never going to forget that. I'll take that to the grave when I die of diarrhea and you guys all laughed at me.

Do you guys have any cool, like, you bonded with teachers and they took you in their car and jerked you off stories? He knows not what he says. Hold on. Let's go! Oh, my God. Here we go, baby. San Jose! San Jose! San Jose! San Jose! San Jose! San Jose!

How does it go, Blake? It goes, uh, it goes Bay Area, like that. Tell the people that 40 Water is back. You say, tell the people that 40 Water is back. You have to tell the people that. Yeah, who does have a drop on our board? He does have a drop. I've got lots of friends in San Jose. Here's my question. Do people live in San Jose? Okay! Yeah.

What makes you ask? So, 30% of the crowd. Cool. What made that your question? We each get one question tonight. Well, because I feel like a lot of people, you say San Jose and people are like, yeah. And then you say Bay Area and people are like, yeah. Well, yeah, dude. Because San Jose is one part of the Bay. Right. Well, sure, but...

So the Bay of the... All encapsulating is the Bay. If you go... I'm from Omaha, Nebraska, right? And I go... Right. And I go, Omaha... In Omaha, it's going to go wild. But if I go, all of the Midwest... Right. Right. But what if you shout out Millard...

No, there'll be like 12 of my high school friends. It'd be crickets. Because they're all like too old to go out now. They're like, I have four kids. Yeah. But it's real. It hits hard. Well, that was kind of like when I was doing that or when Kermit was doing the intros. Oh, my fuck. What the fuck? Talk about ruining the illusion. Hello. And I shouted out Concord. I didn't hear too many cheers. Where the Concord's at? Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm moving back to Concord. They're still not cheering for Concord.

Well, they're water trash. Hey, you watch it. No, it's a term of endearment. Water trash. Yeah, absolutely. This is the birthplace of water trash. That bay water creates kind of meth-y trash people. We all know this. I love them.

We all know this. The brain-eating amoebas. So what was it like? Where did water trash, because I feel like we've been calling you guys water trash. Okay. Since I saw Kyle, I felt it. Yeah. Yeah, of course you did, because that's in my blood. I'm 75% water trash in this body. And I feel like Kyle, the older he's getting, he's getting more of like a golf adjacent vibe. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is just pickleball. Yes. Right, yeah, it is pickleball. It looks like he's ready to go pick up a paddle and dink and doink. Definitely, I'm ready to dink, doink, drop, whatever you need, bro. But when we first met Kyle, it was like his armpit hairs were always sprouting out. Yes, yes. They got a mind of their own. Yeah, and you always looked a little wet, and I thought that that's where we got it. Because I always had sweaty hair. I just sweat too much. No, water trash is...

Impossible to clean. Do you want a spotlight for this? Can we get a spotlight on him? Do we have a spotlight? Just explain. If we're doing the spotlight, then let me just take off. Just really get into the lineage of water trash. Oh, wait. Are you already taking off clothes? Oh. Oh.

Dude, talk about like a guy taking off a sweatshirt to reveal one of the best bodies you've ever seen. Dude, I will say Kyle has gotten, he's gotten like way lean. Thank you. Now you're looking really hot, Kyle. It's all the dinking and doinking and dropping, baby. This is peak level Kyle. Yeah. What did you say, Kyle? Take off your shirt and shake your titties? Oh, no. Don't be crass. You heard. No, wait.

What was the chant? I missed the chant. This isn't the strip show. Now, what did you say? Kyle, pull down your pants and finger your bubble? Oh, my God. What did you say? This isn't the full Monty. What do you think this is? Signed up to watch a full Monty? Bullshit. My favorite part about this show already is me saying all this dirty stuff for you to do, and I know your mom is in the audience. She is. Yeah, Mama's here. Oh, boy. Where's that spotlight? Mama Ella. I know your wife's grandmother is in the audience.

Yeah, Grandma's here. That's right. Wow. Hey, Papa Nooch is here. Yeah. There you go. That's big. Mama and Papa. Papa Nooch, who coined the term, that gets my pecker hard. Okay. Hey, wait. You know what? Yeah, I think you heard it. While I'm here live, Papa Nooch. Yes, points. Oh, my God.

Oh, dude. There it is. Some points. My mom really, really wants points, too. You don't have to give it to her, but I just want to let you know. What did she do to deserve them, besides giving birth to you? Also, how fucked up is that that he's like, dude, my mom really wants points in front of all these people. And he's like, you don't have to do it. She gets it. So if I don't do it, I look like a total asshole. So I'm like, no, she's going to earn them. Well, no, we've got to give her a reason. You can't just give points for no reason. What is some funny shit that your mom has said?

Is she, um, you know, um, um, mom, what do you got? Don't leave it hanging. Don't leave your mom hanging. Because she's funny. Come on. She is funny. She's a funny woman. I know Pamela. This is fucked up. Where's my spotlight? They just had it on you. It's only going to make it worse. Oh.

Give my mom points for just having me as a child. Okay, you know what? That is noble. For raising me. For fucking dealing with me, dude. I was trying to start fires everywhere. How about give her points because Kyle punched her one time? Give her points because I punched her. Yeah, I did. Was she getting to your hair? She was doing the lice comb and I couldn't take it anymore and I smacked her.

This is not a smack. This is close fist. That's a punch. Close fist is a punch. I did a nice little delicate punch. She's also the woman. Your parents coin every phrase. They get your pecker hard and then like a story needs to be full of lies. What was the other one? Don't ruin a good story with the truth. Right. That's our family creed. That's her saying. That's my mom saying. That's right. Those are all good.

Hey, well, come on. Can we shift the spotlight a little bit? My mother is also in the building. Give it up! Give it up! Where are you, Mom? Hey!

You know what would be really cool? Hey, dude, I just saw the door open. She just left. I know. What would be awesome is if she said she was here and did not show up. Right. And you're like, what was your favorite part? And she's like, when you guys talked about your buttholes. Yeah, the diarrhea. I'm sure you mentioned your buttholes at some point. That was my favorite part. The whole diarrhea monologue was really good. Monologue. Monologue.

Oh. Anybody with me there? Yeah, but diarrhea would be a... You say mama log? Well, there's that too. Okay. Points yourself. Yes, points! Well,

Well, you can tell who my mom is because she has the exact same hair as me. Yeah, that's true. Did you just see what seems like a Blake wig just running out? Her hair is a little, has product in it, and mine is like... Hey, I'll say it. Your mom has, it's nicer. It's way better. It's a much nicer head of hair. Like, you look at hers and you're like, she's a proper looking woman. If you put your hair on a woman, you're like...

Oh, sweet honey. Right. I think I saw... You're like, let me brush, let me take care of you. I saw a street lady the other day with your hair. Yeah. And I just was like... You look like you have things that are living inside of your hair. Your mother doesn't look that way at all. No, she does not.

My hair looks like it would light on fire so easy. Yeah, dude. It does. It looks like a brush fire straight up. Gavin Newsom fucking hates my hair. Right. Gavin hates your hair so much. You can't even...

walk through a brushy area. No. Without Gavin Newsom saying something. That is his first name, right? Sure. I say Javin. His name is Javin Newsom. Yeah, Javin. Javin. Javin. Where's Javin? I

I bet if he rebranded as Javin, he'd get some votes, bro. But also, I bet Javin... What's voting? I bet Javin Newsome hair is also, like, mad flammable. Oh, dude, he's got so much product in there. Oh, shit. That thing's going up. It's like a helmet. He's a human tiki torch. I got a weird feeling that he's... In a many way. He's just water trash that slicked it back one day. Dude, he's got... Put on a suit and was like...

I'm Patrick Bateman. Yep. Water trash. He's dressing up. He's water trash all dressed up. Pickleball style. He might be. I like this guy. Check his back for tattoos of random words. Oh, dude. And that's a Kyle reference because Kyle has a back of tattoos that just say random words. Have we seen... I feel like he's a guy we've seen with his shirt off. Have we seen Newsome...

With the shirt off as I throw up. Are you about to vomit? Do you need a moment? He's verklempt. My man's had one beer. He's already fucking tripping. Guys, I've got... I had a buzz ball, too. But... Oh, sorry. My man's had one beer and a buzz ball. And also, Blake is... And I don't want to blow up his spot, but... Okay, but obviously, if you're saying that, you're about to. He's been battling...

Four or five days? Five days he told me in the car today. Of explosive diarrhea. Diarrhea. And that's not just for the show. That's not hyperbole. That's exactly what's happening. And before the show, Anders comes up to me and he goes, Dude, did you...

on the toilet seat? No, no, no. Did you shit on the front of the bowl? On the front of the bowl. It's here. It's this part. There was this part. There was a spray of shit. My shit always goes in the toilet. I'm known for not flushing shit.

The shit, there are times. Because I want my friends to appreciate my work. Is that why? Yeah. You know me, I'm a ham, dude. I want people to see my shit. Diarrhea. I'm a ham. But Blake, very scared of his shits. Doesn't want anyone to know he poops. And apparently it was you who somehow chat forward. Dude, guys. Did you sit, did you like A.C. Slater the toilet backwards? No.

And just rest your arms up. That's the only explanation. And go to work, as Adam calls it. You know... Did you hammer down? It was cool. No, what I do when I take a shit is I get a bunch of, like, scratcher tickets. Can we get the spotlight one more time? Yeah, let's get the spotlight on Black Sister. Just so everyone understands this, including their family members. Jesus Christ.

And we can bring the rest of these lights down. Wait, you're going to highlight me as I talk about my diarrhea? We're not trying to technically direct this, but yeah, there we go. Thank you. Have you guys ever seen the vagina monologues? We're just the diarrhea monologues. Yeah, that's pretty good. So what do you do, Blake?

Um, well, if I have, like, scratcher tickets, I put them on the back of the toilet and I... So how often do you have scratcher tickets? I keep a scratcher ticket in my wallet for every time I take a shit. Because you never know when it's going to be that lucky turd. So you put them on the top of the tank? Yeah, you do never know. I...

First of all Blake, I really- No more spotlight, please leave me alone. Okay. I really like this. I really like that. My favorite part of that was looking out in the crowd and watching everyone's face go... Right. Right. The cause of dying. By the way, Adam, thank you so much. Do you think- I came out here to you guys cheering. It was fucking awesome. San Jose's in the building. Yep. Yeah. And I tried- San Jose's in the building and also a lot-

A lot of the surrounding area. The Bay Area! San Jose's also here, but then mostly the Bay Area! Yeah, yeah, see? It really goes on and on. And so, yeah, it was very cool to see the Bay Area. But I tried to be real cute and be like, these boobs are... Thank you, right? And then Adam comes out and he's like, player, your mic is nasty.

I know. I was just like... Were you wondering why? You're like, oh, I guess San Jose does not fuck with Ders. You come out and you're like... It was a little underwhelming, but then I was like, oh...

Nobody told me the mic was not on. We've never done a show where the mic isn't on, and I'm going to have someone's head. Oh, yeah. Your boobs are huge. Heads will roll. So what did you say? Yeah, what were you saying? I just said that, like, your boobs are huge. I shook my titties, but nobody said huge, and I was like, are they not huge anymore? Yeah. Are they just regulation? I would say, I mean, no, your titties are always fucking huge, dude. Your boobs are huge. Did you just look at mine? No.

Well, because for a while there, when you got big, I thought maybe your titties... During your big chapter. It's a big... I mean, yeah. I think maybe now I'm body fat percentage. I think I'm probably the fattest of the crew right now. Nice. Body fat? Yeah. I do like that Adam wants to win at everything, even if it's like, actually, I'm the fattest. Let's find out. Let's get the calipers out. Okay? Okay.

Who's got the worst whatever? I don't know. I mean, maybe you have more fat on your body. I mean, it's possible. I can't stop eating. I think I have the most skin out of all of us. The most skin. I think I have the most skin out of all four of us. Are you not circumcised? Pull on your...

Go for it, homie. Well, show the crowd. Oh. Okay. Oh, my God. But anybody could do that. That's not where you show how much fat you have. I can't get a grip on this shit. What's going on? I'm slippery. Hey, Kyle, you're gripping it, buddy. Am I? It feels like it's slipping through my clutches. Well, you look like fucking Jim Carrey in the mask, homie. That thing is gummy. So then there you go, like I said. Or you look like the bad guy when he got the mask.

Oh, shit. Where's that guy? He seems like he's got San Jose vibes. His name was Damien. In the movie. In the movie. But the actor, the actual guy. Oh, I don't know. He died after the movie. In the 90s, there were a handful of scary white actors that were the bad guys in movies over and over again. The dude from The Crow. Yes. That guy's fucking terrifying. Whatever happened to Dominic? Remember how scary Dominic was? That guy? In Kindergarten Cop.

Well, wait, his name's not Dominic. His name is Crisp. His son is Dominic. He's Crisp. Yes, his name is Crisp. That's right. Yeah, because it's Dominic, run, get to the chopper, now, do it. Well, there's no chopper. Those are seven movies. There's no chopper in Kindergarten Cop, bro. Wasn't he saying Dominic, run? Sure, but I don't know if there's a chopper. There's definitely no chopper in Kindergarten Cop. No, Adam watched the extended cut where...

Where at the end, Arnold is just mowing down fucking kindergartners. Right. They've turned into zombies. Right. And the little principal jumped out of a tree with like throwing stars. Yeah. And fucking the only kid who didn't turn into a zombie is Dominic. And Arnold's like, get to the chopper, Dominic. And he's just mowing down kids. His ferret started eating bad guys. And I see why they cut the scene. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I should rewatch that movie.

It's crazy how good it is. Well, hey, guys, to be fair, Adam's old as fuck now. He just turned 40. Oh, boy. That's right. That's right. Oh, boy. Happy birthday, Adam. What's it feel like? Happy fucking birthday, bro. I don't think I'm giving you a birthday hug. I'd like to do that on stage. I love you, dude. Damn, dude.

- Dude. - And I'm feeling, like a lot of people are like, you know, you don't really feel 40 when you turn 40. I do. - Yeah, for sure. - I feel old as shit. I feel old and fat and slow. - Yeah, 35 and 40, when they hit, something changes.

You know what's been interesting lately as I've been getting a little bit older and nearing 40 is like, I don't give a fuck about technology. Like, I don't care about the advancements of technology. Okie dokie. At all.

And you're a director, so that might really hinder you. I know. It's fucked up. I just keep thinking about going and doing, like, plays and stuff. Oh, goodbye. Wait. Don't do that, Kyle. You have a career. Yeah, they're like, how come you're not responding to Matthew McConaughey's emails? You're like, I only take written notes in the mail. Yeah, dude. I'm kind of... By horseback. Right. Yeah.

Carrier pigeon. And that's it. So unless McConaughey's people want to train a pigeon, he's not in the film. I'm off the project. Yeah. Wait, ooh. Hey, do you think that... Yeah, I don't know. Is that true? What Blake said? What?

McCarty, hey. You legit only will work with a carrier pigeon situation? Is that true? That's how you got to contact me now. I don't even know. Were you joking or was that real? As of this moment right now, send me a carrier pigeon if you want me to do work. Damn, dude. You are almost 40. That's how it goes. I didn't feel, I didn't, well, Kyle's been saying that he's been 40 for like the last like four years. So ready for it. Right. He's like three months younger than I am. So I'm like, no, you're not, dude.

Hold up. Or 37 years old. I know, but I round up, you know? I always round up. I don't know what that is. Yeah, this comes from your mom who says, when counting, lie forward. Right? Yeah, it's just kind of how you raise... Hey, and by the way, I gotta give her some points for that. Yeah, points! Uh...

I can't get a handle where they are. Hey, you know what else is weird? Kyle's brother, Adam, is taking pictures of us. Literally every... Almost every Nua-chek is kind of in the building. Dude. We need Louie in the house. We need Louie. We are surrounded by Nua-cheks right now. It's actually freaking me the fuck out. And do you think that's why it kind of smells in here?

Okay. No, no. Burn! Speaking of which, did you put on deodorant? Because you were... He got a two-pack delivered right before we came on stage. I did. I was starting to get a little ripe. It was like we didn't... You know how you run out of deodorant and then you just kind of

tap it on there when you don't have enough. Everyone's laughing because they don't know what you're talking about. You know when you get to the end of the deodorant stick and it's like the plastic around the outside and you get all the way there and you're scraping? Yeah, sure. So the only way to apply it is if you tap it, tap it, tap. That's what I did today and then backstage I started to stink. And then you didn't think of like, well I have a show tonight, I should just swing through

- Any drugstore. - I asked my wife, another Nui-chek in the room. - Hello. - She's here. - Hi wifey. - To swing by CVS and they didn't have the regular Arm & Hammer.

Which was unfortunate. That man smells like an old refrigerator. So then I put... She got like the citrus... No, no. She got Toms. And I was like, you know what? I'll take a risk with Toms. Let's do it. There's no aluminum in it. There's none of that. I'll just...

I'll risk it with Tom's, but I said to her, I said, I said, I said. Jesus. I'm going to go take a shit. I said it's probably not going to work. Let me defend your parents who are perfectly presentable people who I think Kyle's armpit hair situation was like the rebellion. Because his parents are pretty normal. Yeah, very normal. I'm just going to like fucking never wear sleeves.

I got sleeves on now, man. What more do you want me to do? I'm growing up. I love the transition. I love it. I like that for you. Kyle's transitioning. Yeah. Your boobs are huge. And I don't know why we're laughing at that. No, we're not laughing. Why are you laughing at that? No, I'm just happy for him. I always knew it was happening. I always knew it, too. We knew. We've had a lot of good times in the Bay Area. I used to come up here...

every Thanksgiving, which is only in a few weeks. It's around this time. I used to come up every Thanksgiving and have Thanksgiving with Kyle and his family and then Blake, I'd go over to Blake's house when me and Kyle would get into fist fights. Oh yeah. Let's go! Like legit fist fights. Like legit fist fights. Yes. And then it would just be me like crying in a fucking shopping mall parking lot being like, what? Right. I don't even remember.

Why don't they like me? Well, that was like out near Clayton. Is there any Clayton people in the house? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. What the hell? Is that part of Bay Area? Because we would go to the...

What's that one? San Jose. But what is it from? Is it from the commercial for the place? No, it's... Well, you know, do you know the way to San Jose? It's like... Yes, of course. Oh, yeah. And who sang that song? Do you know the way to San Jose? What's her name? Deanna Warwick? Darnie? Dionne Warwick. Darnie. But also... You know that's Whitney Houston's aunt? Yeah.

It's Burt Bacharach. He wrote it? Yes. Okay, but she sang it? She sang it. And I'm just saying, you know that's Whitney Houston's aunt? But also, why? I don't understand... I don't understand...

Why was she asking if you know directions to San Jose? Because the whole song is about like LA has too much traffic and they fucking do crack there. Is that what it says? And what is it? What's the next line that rhymes with that? And then I think San Jose has some good snacks there. Yeah.

I thought San Francisco had the treats. Yeah, no, it's about leaving L.A. and going to San Jose where it's kind of... I think San Jose, it was kind of cracking in the 80s and 90s. I think it's still cracking. No, it still is. It still is. The fuck is going on? I'm saying when it was like the come up when the San Jose Sharks were like a new team. And they're like, wait, sports teams can wear teal?

Hell yeah, bro. That's true. That's true. That's wild. I didn't even know that was an option for sports.

Right.

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Life is happening around us. So many things to do, places to go. If you switch off, you're out of it.

But if you switch on, you're part of it. Subscribe to The Washington Post today at WashingtonPost.com slash iHeart. Switch on The Washington Post. I have a San Jose Sharks story. It's not even that good. Okay. We've got to kill some time. We have to hear it. Let's hear it. So... Let's hear it.

It's probably, what is it? It's 1993 when the Sharks come out.

That makes sense. 91, 92? The year was 1991 or 2. Okay. I think, okay, it's 92, 91, that makes sense. 91, 92. Now your job is to listen to my story. And I get a brand new fitted Sharks hat. Woo! And I remember spending, I spent $22 on this hat. And I was like, this is fucking huge.

And where I go to school, you're not allowed to wear hats inside because you might be affiliated. Most schools. This hat is too good. I throw it on. I walk like seven steps into like sixth grade or whatever the fuck it was. Hot boy. And Miss Green, Miss Green comes by, snatches my hat. Off your head? And is like, no hats inside. That's mine now.

I go to her class third period or whatever. Did you fight her? Hang on. Hang on. I'm being like a huge fucking nuisance because she has a hat rack. And I'm looking at my brand new fucking hat and I'm just like not playing games. If she's calling on me, I'm like, I don't want to read. She gives me a detention. You said I'm not going to read. She was like, Anders, you read. I go, you.

I get 'em. Remember how you like sprinkle the story with little eyes? But essentially I was like, "No thank you." Less cool, but still pretty aggressive. Super dope. Yeah, it's like polite, but like under the breath she knows I'm saying bitch. You know what, Miss Green? I'm not feeling it today, but thank you though. And I was like, "Why don't you go play the harp?" 'Cause she played the harp. Yeah.

- You said that though, you said that though? I said, "No bitch, you read, and while you're at it, play the harp." - Damn! - Get 'em, you angelic motherfucker! - So I get detention. - Okay. - Because apparently the harp shit hit deep.

Oh, too close to home. And so after school, I got to go there. I'm in her fucking class. She's like, I'll be right back. I need to go, like, do some shit. She leaves. Okay. I go to the hat tree. Oh, shit. Grab my hat. Put it in my backpack. She comes back. And she goes, okay, you can go now. Do you need a ride home?

And I was like, no, I'm good. I'm just going to skedaddle. Wait, you said skedaddle? Yeah, dude. He's pretty polite. I'll establish that. No, thank you. When you were affiliated the way I was, you said skedaddle. Yeah. He's part of the boot scooting boogie gang. And she's like, where do you live? And I go, over here. She's like, that's really far to walk. I'm giving you a ride. And I was like... You're like, shut up, bitch. And then she's like...

do you have your book for tonight's homework? And I go, mm-hmm. Bitch. And now I'm just stealing from Key and Peele. But that's a great sketch. But like, those guys are great. And so she goes, I don't believe you. Open your backpack. No!

I open my backpack and to this day, I have no idea where the hat went. Damn. She goes into my backpack, goes like, binder, other book, other book, finds the book, which I didn't even know was fucking in there. And she's like, okay, you have it. Let's go. I'm giving you a ride. Now I'm sitting shotgun in a teacher's car.

Wondering where the fuck my shark's head is. But were you, you're in your teacher's car, were you? So she's jacking me off. Yeah, were you hard though? That's what I was going to say. I got one leg out the window. That's what I thought. And actually, no, it was a limousine. That's the story. That's the story. Now we're talking. I get home. I open my backpack.

The hat's right there. And I'm like, this is unbelievable. I go back to school the next day. She's like, you stole your hat back, huh? And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And she's like, you have detention for a week. Wait, what? And I was like, I don't care. I have my hat. Yep.

Run along and play the heart, bitch. It's not a good story, but it's my only San Jose. I actually think that's a good ass story. That's a mystery, dude. What the fuck? Yeah. And from then on, I've been super religious. Yeah, you had somebody watching out. Thank you, God. The Bebe Angel was on my side. God looked down upon you and was like, you know what? I got you. Oh, my God.

Dude, that's huge. It was $22. Oh, I remember pro fits. I was not losing this hat. It's like a pro fit. Yeah, fitted, dude. Fitted with like the circle with the fin on the back. Did you cop that from motherfucking Lids? I don't think Lids existed. I got it from like Campus Sports, which is like a college hat. Like Champs? Maybe there was a Champs back then or something. No, motherfucking Lids, dude. I remember walking into Lids. Lids is late in the game, though. I remember walking into Lids, though, and that smell. You're like...

You remember the smell of lids? You know the smell of lids? Oh, of all those sweet new hats? And you're like, actually... I had so many hats on sports teams I never was into. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just had to wear a Brave so hard. Don't give a shit about baseball. I actually wrapped a Braves hat, too. But I played Little League, and I played on the Brave.

So actually I was into him. So you were into him. I was actually into him. I was expecting a deeper pull like Calgary Heat or some shit. No, I wasn't cool. I was following the trend. They won the championship in like 95. You're like, Dad, I need a hat. Yeah. Well, that's cool. Who was their shortstop? On the Braves? On the Braves that year? I have no clue. I don't give a fuck about the Braves. He had a dope name. You say Santeria?

Who cares? I was thinking, wasn't it Chipper Jones? Chipper Jones. I think he was an outfielder. Dude, with the name Chipper Jones, you had to be a baseball player. Oh, yeah. If you don't make it to the league...

You are a fucking failure. Was that dude Jim Abbott on the Braves or just the Angels? Oh, with the one arm? Yeah, remember that guy? Hero, dude. Yeah, so there was a pitcher. I don't know if everybody watches baseball, but there was a pitcher that had... Are you going to throw up? If I don't diarrhea, I'm going to throw up, so I'm going to pick one or the other. But there was a pitcher who had one hand, basically. Didn't he have it on... It was like he had like a half arm. Yeah, it was cut at the elbow. And then he would like throw.

throw the ball and then put the glove on. Why isn't this dude like mad famous on TikTok? Like, what the fuck? Well, because he's like 70 years old now. I don't think he's on TikTok. Just like a throwback viral

montage? Because I think he did catch when they hit it right back at him, he did catch one or two. Oh, hell yeah. I'm saying I feel like not enough people know how fucking cool that guy was. Well, because he's 70 years old, Blake. He's not on TikTok. I don't think he gives a shit about what the kids on TikTok are. Yeah, but like Run DMC had a hot run on there. No, dude. What's weird is he was also a really good dancer, dude. Right. He's got to be one of those hot boy TikTok kids. Yeah, dude. With the floofy hair. Yeah. Is that who you would pick to like

take off virally on TikTok? Jim Abbott? Yeah. Or if like, if you, who's a deep cut, and I'm not talking about the Calgary Heat or whatever the fuck you thought you were on. Oh, you mean just like baseball player? Somebody, like no, just anybody to like give like a second moment to on TikTok. Baseball player? Who's your favorite

San Jose Shark player. Oh, forever. Mike Ricci is my guy. Oh, Ricci. Yeah. Yes, sir. I thought I was about ready to catch Blake. Where's my brother? Who's classic doesn't know any player from... Mike Ricci was as sick as he had got no teeth.

He was a hockey player, yeah. Yeah, it's a classic hockey player. Standard operation. No, he probably didn't wear a mask ever. He was just like, I don't care that I don't have any fucking teeth at all. I'm not going to ever protect my face. Because that's like what hockey players do, right? Yeah. Which, by the way. They don't give a shit. They're just like, take my teeth out. Should we even talk about the thing that happened kind of recently? Do you guys know what I'm about to say? They know.

It's kind of brutal. He's saying no. I don't. I don't know. Adam, dude, some dude straight up died during a hockey game like fucking skate to the throat.

- Bro, it was kind of crazy. - Oh, what? - Okay, we can skip that. - What? Like in an NHL game? - No, it was kind of like, I think it was overseas or some shit. - Oh, well. - Oh, well then no one here knows what you were gonna talk about. - Dude, that's how the Russians play hockey, it's to the death. - Dude, jeez. - I thought you were gonna say, does everyone know that they haven't won a game until the other night? - That's what I thought too. - Hey, hey, and now we're turning it around.

See, now that's just perspective. The death did not happen, but they have lost a bunch of kids. Here in Durza's childhood story with the teacher... Trauma. Trauma.

Do you guys have any cool, like, you bonded with teachers and they took you in their car and jerked you off? Hand jobs, whatnot. By the way, not okay today. You can't do that. Teachers can't jerk their students off anymore? It's science. What kind of world are we living in? It's a new one. It's a new world, Adam. Yeah, that sucks. Do you have some, Kyle? You were about to bust into something. I saw you kind of light up. No, no, I was just thinking about how I never, like, I would always take my grades, especially in science class, to, like, a D, and then...

for whatever reason, I could convince all of my teachers that if I, like, wrote science in, like, a really cool, like, mural way and put it on the... Jesus Christ. I would pass the class. I would be able to pass, like, every fucking class with this art. It's because you would do that and they'd realize how...

I don't even know what the word is we use now for the word we used to use. Retarded. Water trash. That's the word. And for sure they're like, Kyle's retarded. We didn't know this. He made it to senior year alive.

It's unbelievable that you can draw like that for somebody who is... You can't. No, you guys, you can't call me that. That's just rude. For the amount of DMs, there's this great little retarded kid who...

Love him, dude. He is like a rhythmic dancer that people have just DM'd me. Nice, dude. Because he looks like you? And he fucking looks just like me, dude. I'm like, I look exactly like this guy. Wow, dude! And I've got like 25 DMs the other day of him just fucking, and he's way sassy, dude. He's fucking? Nice. He's the best.

You gotta meet him. What is with these videos of like, look, I want all children are beautiful. Wait, wait. Never, ever, ever. I didn't say kids are sexy. No, I'm just saying from now on. Beautiful is not a sexual term. I'm just saying we have a lot of cities left on the tour. Just don't start a sentence that way, dog. All I'm gonna say is like. Just don't start a sentence that way. Why are you thinking about

fucking kids. I'm not. I'm going to go. I don't like the way that sentence starts no matter where it goes. Children can be beautiful. Yeah, what's wrong with that? That is some Michael Jackson shit. No, Michael Jackson shit is kids' buttholes are beautiful. Right. That's what Michael Jackson was thinking. He was specific about their buttholes. It's different. It's a different... Okay, go. Hey, you know what? Go off. It's weird that you were so worried about it. Anyway, start the sentence. So I'm watching this video of these kids all fucking...

No, this video of, like, the kids spinning in the kitchen. What is this? The hashtags are, like, children are beautiful. Pizza, pizza. It's, like, hashtag, like, inspired. And I'm, like, I think it's just kind of a kid spinning in the kitchen. Is it, like, in slow motion? I haven't seen this. What's the deal? He's super fast. He's got the headphones on. Oh. And, like...

It's not that big of a deal. I don't know why I kept saying it everywhere. My wife is pregnant right now. Okay. Big fucking year for the divide. And fingers crossed he comes out like that rhythmic dancer kid. Right? There you go. Right when it comes out. It's like this.

Right. The new dancing baby. And all of my whole feed is just little kids. And it is crazy. It's like, obviously... Blake, is that okay with you? No! I'm

I'm trying to tap in with my bros right now. Don't say you're trying to feed little kids. What are you trying to feed them, your penis? It's so weird how offended you are by my Instagram feed being cute little kids. Like, your dick is hard right now, dude. You're creeping me out. Hey, hey, hey. Like, your mom's here.

Is she? Yeah, quit being all horny with all kids. She definitely might not be. I think she might have grabbed your folks and been like, we get a burger, we circle back. Hold on, everybody be quiet. Everybody, mom, are you here? No. No, come on. Play along. Let's play along. Play along. Where is she? San Jose, behave. Quiet. Everyone shut the fuck up. Mom. Hold on. Let's pretend I'm seancing. Mom. Mom.

That's not a sailor. Wow, we sat her all the way the fuck back there. Isaac! Wow. Isaac was like, you might lose some teeth with a buzz ball to the face. No, man, my mom done got teeth, bro. What is she, a hockey player? Yeah, she's Mike Ricci. What is she, a beautiful child? Michelle Ricci.

Is that what you think a female Mike name is? Yeah. Well, what else would it be, Anders? Michael and Michelle. Michaela. Okay, that's kind of good. It's Michael with an A at the end. Yeah, Michaela. That makes sense. Does that work for you, bitch? It actually is better than any answer I would have thought was going to come my way. Are kids sexy now? Isaac, I may regret this, but can I please get a chorus light on stage, please? God damn. Make it two, make it two, make it two.

Oh, here we go. Here comes Isaac. I might as well have another one too. Have you guys met our manager Isaac yet? He's pretty cool. Yeah, have you met him? Big satch dog. Have you guys met him? He's just still sitting there. He's not even getting up. Here we go. Isaac Horn, everybody. Punk Rock, getting radical. Punk Rock, getting radical.

Thank you. Nope, Adam, not for you. Not for you, buddy. Hey, happy birthday, dude. No fucking beer for you. You know what? Here, Adam, you can have mine. Isaac. Isaac, what the hell, dude? You know this is nothing. Come on, Isaac. Help him out. This is nothing, dude. Right here, bitch. Come on, bud. There we go. There we go. And then he refused to hand it to me. Yeah. Yeah. Isaac, take your shirt off. Show the audience your t-shirt. I'm getting radical.

Look at this cool t-shirt. It's got pictures of Adam on it. Isaac. Hey, Kyle, give Isaac your mic and make him sing Adam happy birthday. Okay, here you go, Isaac. Isaac, come back, dude. I don't like you guys telling me to show my t-shirt. Come on, Isaac. Oh, my God. Come on. Do a nice thing for me for once in your goddamn life. He's going on TikTok. Happy birthday to you.

Thank you so much, dude. Thank you so much. And now take your shirt off. Hey, play the Isaac drop. Oh my God, he's naked. Oh my God. Now he's naked. I got some new drops on the board from when Isaac, we made him speak on the microphone. I don't know where we were. Yeah, it was a Q&A. Somebody asked a question to Isaac. Every city we go, we ask him to take his shirt off and show his titties. And this is what he said. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits.

So that is the hot new drop. You heard it here first. San Jose! I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. Wait, will you just play a couple more? This isn't really for you guys. It's more for us. Punk rock, getting radical. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Wait, what about the... Oh, here we go. I like getting weird with Kyle. That's pretty good.

Oh, shit, yeah, dude. This one's pretty good, too. Drinking with Adam's always fun. That one's actually legit. Drinking with Adam's pretty fun. Well, what's nice is he has such a short way of speaking. It's nice he slows it down. Drinking with Adam's always fun. It's kind of a little more melodic. He's choosing his words. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits.

You hear it? I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. Well, he's nervous. He should be a rapper. Yeah. Actually, he could be a rapper. He would be a really good rapper. What would Isaac's rap name be? Sir Isaac. Oh, shit. Sir Isaac. Did I just get booed in the bay? Oh, my God. Damn. Yeah, booed.

Damn, I'm never going to forget that. I'll take that to the grave when I die of diarrhea and you guys all laughed at me. By the way, is there a legit... There probably isn't, but a doctor or anybody in the medical profession here? There's no way you're front row and a doctor. You're lying, though, right? No, no, I didn't say adopted. I said...

Wait a minute. The way you're jumping around, somebody left you at a firehouse. No, but so what would be... Get off the floor, ma'am. That is dirty. What would give somebody diarrhea for four days and I'm asking for a friend? I'm asking the doctor. What do you think? What do you think? Give her the mic. All right. Well, I don't know if I can... Hold on. Let me just extend here real quick. Oh, shit.

I love you. No, but the shrimp at Morton's Steakhouse. Oh, the shrimp at Morton's Steakhouse? Thank you, doctor. And that was her medical professional opinion. The shrimp at Morton's. Can you imagine? What are you a doctor of, real quick? What are you a doctor of, ma'am? Oh, shit. The body. Cool. I've heard of these massage parlors. Don't change it.

Oh, oh, oh, here comes the yellow shirt. Yeah, you're kidding. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. He did it to the dirty. Okay. He did it to it all. Yeah, all right. All right.

Shut up, dude. I like you. You know what? She's fucking cool, dude. She's operating tomorrow for sure. No, she rocks. I'm into her. She works for Dr. Brozart, for sure. If that was my doctor, I would be hyped as fuck, bro. Until you have a real problem. Well, I'd say, hey, I've had diarrhea for five days. And she'd be like, is there shrimp from Mars? And I'd be like, I haven't ate shrimp in...

Yeah, but it's the shrimps when you had them. It's the shrimps from Morton's. It's just kind of gone. And you're like, what is this? I had this lump on my throat. It's actually really scary. It's the shrimps.

You gotta swallow the shrimp. I think it's a shrimp stuck in your throat. You know when you hear stories in the news about how someone got a pig's heart transplant? It's doctors like her that are like, fuck it, we'll try it. Is it a pig? Is it a pig?

You're gonna die, so, like, fucking... Why not? You know? But, like, a shrimp's heart is too small. And she's like, fuck you. Yeah, what? Dude, you know it's a problem if your doctor starts a fight with you. Yeah. And you're like, well, how exactly does that work? Fuck you, bitch. It's a heart. Do you want a heart or not? Fuck you, bitch. Call the cops. She keeps saying, call the cops. Call the cops. I'm not scared. Fuck you. Um...

Fuck you. Call the cops. I've had this call for months. It's really scared me. Fuck you. Call the cops, bitch. You're scared? I ain't scared to go back. Go back. What? Wait, is that medical school? COVID's not real. Yeah, and she goes, you want some Prozac? Right. I got you, bro. You want some Hydros? You just pulled a handful out of your pocket. Yeah.

I got you. Yeah, no, this is a Werther. Now, this is a Prozac. Yeah. I think. I like that. I like this is a Werther's. That's a loose, naked Werther's. And I subscribe you for Prozacs. Like, these are Jolly Ranchers. Ma'am, these are Candy Apple Jolly Ranchers. Take two of those and don't eat shrimp in the morning.

Let's keep pulling this one apart. Ma'am, I'm at an In-N-Out drive-thru. Sir, this is a Wendy's. Mrs. Green, you're driving me home and your hand's on my dick. And that is my shark's hat. Is that a shark's hat in your backpack or are you happy to see me? Yes, please. Oh, my good lordy, lordy. Ma'am, that is my shark's hat. Lordy, lordy.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know about you guys, but I feel this year has gone by so quickly. I became a father this year. Can you believe that, guys? Huge. And the baby that I named Bo is growing bigger every day. Let me tell you, life goes by like that, so fast. So it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest of the year. I agree. And therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next decade.

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Finding the right news podcast can feel like dating. It seems promising until you start listening.

Hey, I want to say a quick RIP to Raging Waters, right? Oh, man.

Did everyone get a brain eating amoebas there or what happened? Yeah.

Ray Gene Waters? Is that a person? Is that like a weatherman? Ray Gene Waters. My teacher. My favorite teacher. No, Ray Gene Waters was like the... Well, Blake, how do you say Ray Gene? It says Ray Gene like it's a fucking country bumpkin. Yeah. And I'm Ray Gene Waters. Yeah, it sounds like a U.S. senator. Right. Say the word... I passed the law. Say the word Ray Gene Waters.

Raging. Raging. Am I giving the wrong emphasis? You're saying like raging. It should all be one continuous word. It's not one word. It's not raging mutters. Wait, no, seriously, just say it. Just don't think about it. Say it. Raging watchers. So why are you so like... Why are you like so nasally with it? You are a stupid dumbass.

You're a stupid dumbass. I'm a dumbass. How should I say raging? Just say jing. Because I'm saying raging? Yes, that's exactly it. That's exactly right. Okay, so raging. I was like, keep broke, keep broke. Raging. He's so nervous. Can we get a spotlight on this motherfucker to say two words together? Dude, your voice cracked when you said raging. I'm saying it right.

He's going to cry. Raging. This was supposed to be a special moment for me. I wanted to eulogize Raging Waters. You're not letting me. Well, I think you said it okay that time. Yeah, that was fine. I think you nailed it. Well, it's kind of a bummer because... R.I.P. Raging. I don't know if...

In Northern California, there was kind of a trifecta of water slide places. I would say water slide parks, okay? What's white water slide parks? Nobody says water slide places, first of all. Yeah, I feel like most people say parks. Nobody says a place. Aqua recreational. I call them parks. And raging waters was kind of like what you want raging waters. Yeah.

It was kind of like upper echelon, like the goal. Like this is the best. Did they have like a cyclone? They had it all. And they had the best commercials. They're the best. Dippin' Dots? Dippin' Dots? I feel like they would always flip like songs like...

Maybe actually maybe this is Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. I'm getting confused now Santa Cruz fucking rocks, but there's no water slides there. Yo, do you got ranging waters? You got where Santa Cruz at? Oh, oh, there's probably Monterey people came in. You got Monterey people here too. Any Monterey folks? Seems like more than San Jose. How many people are going to come to our Oakland show as well?

How many people were going to go there and then aren't next time? Okay. There it is. We swayed them. We swayed them away. Real quick, just Santa Cruz. Santa Cruz has the best merch. I just want to say that. Yeah, well, they're the banana slugs. That's fucking cool. But just like the font game. They can do it. I thought Santa Cruz was San Jose until I got here. Oh, nice. Hey, guess what?

Suck my cock. I don't give a fuck. You lose. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He knows not what he says. No, not the shrek girl. Stay back. Don't fight him. You can't say suck my cock. They're not children. Okay?

Okay, so there was Ray Jean Waters. So Ray Jean Waters. Yes, there is. U.S. Senator. There is Manteca Waterslides. Who knows about Manteca Waterslides? Give it up. Manteca Waters sounds like the cousin. Manteca Waterslides. And what is Manteca? Is that like a Native American preserve? Manteca is another place. It's another waterslide place. Yo, but actually...

and I'm sorry, San Jose, but Manteca was kind of fire, dude. Well, that's what I was tripping on. When you said Raging Waters was the crown jewel, I'm like, no, it's not. Manteca was the crown jewel. Well, I'm in San Jose, so I'm going to say Raging Waters was like corporate, like the real deal. Manteca made you... Oh, Mr. Corporate tried to sell me on some fucking corporate shit? Hey, well, Blake, just know that we are recording these podcasts and people elsewhere are going to listen and no one gives a fuck about

Well, I encourage all the listeners, and I'm speaking to the listeners. No, no, I'm not stopping them this time. Hide your kids. I'm not stopping them.

The waterslide wars of Northern California should be studied because it is interesting. I do love a good water park. Stanford. And then, of course, the newcomer to waterslides was, of course, our hometown. Go for it, brother. Go for it. Can everybody say Waterworld USA! Let's go!

Can you guys say that? I'm going to early take back what I just did. Let's go from Waterworld because that felt weird. That is a sick name. Was it based after the 1995 film Waterworld? It was not and I remember being a little disappointed in that fact. I thought it was going to be themed.

Like a dystopian future where there's no land. No, but I remember me and Adam, my brother right there, we thought it was. We thought it was fucking Kevin Costner, dude. So you get there and it was like going to be Jack Black on a jet ski. Right. Dennis Hopper with an iPad. Smoking cigarettes. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we thought. Gene Triplehorn, almost nude. Really?

Really? Nobody knows who I'm talking about, but she was the female lead, beautiful woman, great actress. Oh, yeah. Okay. I remember the scenes. I can remember some scenes. I saw Beverly Hills one time, and I said, wow, out loud. What city... Wow. Yeah. What city was Marine World Africa USA in? That's Vallejo. It was called Marine World Africa. That's in Vallejo, right? Dude, I've actually always wanted to make the reference because I wear this stupid microphone, and I feel like I work at Marine World Africa USA. Wow. And they're like...

And up next we have a 14 month year old

Yeah, I bet they are. Go, go, go. I bet they are. Come on, dude. You're killing it so far. Go, go, go. It's a 14-month-year-old. We have a 14-month-year-old pup from the Alaska area. But I thought it was World Africa. I thought it was Africa. They don't have like Madagascar. It's all the things. It's like, and it's a 14-year-old, and why don't you come up and say hi? Hi.

Lieutenant Dan. I don't know what they were. I thought it was 14 month year old. And then they get in the water and they'd be like on the whale and be like. Yeah. I mean, we got to get back there. I honestly don't care how many people get eaten doing that stuff because it's so good.

But literally, every time I wear this mic, all I think about is Marine World, Africa, USA. It's called Marine World, Africa, USA. It used to be called that. I don't think it's called that anymore. It got taken over by roller coasters.

I know, but I don't understand the name. So where is this located? Vallejo. Okay. Is it in Vallejo? It's in Vallejo. I know that. Okay. And so now it's not called that because it was taken over by roller coasters. Yes. That shit's important. Okay, sounds weird, but... Are these like... These roller coasters came out of nowhere. South American roller coasters? Are these like Antarctican...

They're fucking Six Flags, bro. They're from Six Flags. Six Flags came in and took over half the park. By the way, doesn't Six Flags have a dark background, right? What? Yeah, I think Six Flags meant some shit back in the day. What does that even mean? I don't know, but Wikipedia, that shit, I'm pretty sure it's like... White power. Really? For real? I think so, right? It's like some Texas hockey shit. Six Flags? Six Flags?

Well, hey, well, the more we say it, the more it seems real. Yeah, it seems real to me. Wait, I got a question about the water parks. What are the six flags? Quick question. Quick question about the water park. White power. But like, um. That's a wild, I don't know. Did any, remember when water parks started using like the little things that you had to lay on? Yes, the mats. Okay, Manteca. I'm not, I don't do that. Manteca did that.

Man, Tika had mats. But the mats, you ended up going faster, which is kind of dope. No, but you also, what was cool is you also got ringworm from them. That was dope. I never, okay. All I know is I would go, I would arch my entire body so I'd just be on my back and my heels. Smart. And I would fucking move. Oh, yeah. But then you hit the... The seams? The seams. That's not a best part. That's the price you pay for speed.

He's got his shoulder blades doing all that. That's cool. I like that, dude. Give me an L. How beautiful are the children? How beautiful are the children at Eastwater Park? Yeah, if you could rank the children beauty-wise at East Park. I would say Raging Waters had the hottest children. Adam and I were just joking. And they're all here today. They've grown up into beautiful adults. Fair enough. You did it. And then also, like,

at a certain point, too many lawsuits happen, so they introduced that, like, the shit you had to walk on, whereby, like, two hours into your day, your feet are on fire. And then you'd see the pros who have, like, the season pass with the aqua socks on. Water socks, dude. But then how do you get on your heels with those? So it's very delicate. You have to use a mat. I remember going down, and you'd see a mat that was just, like, somebody had lost, and it stuck to the side, and then you'd try and grab it, and...

that's what I would do. Cause you had to like pay for the mats extra or what? I don't understand. You'd see a mat stuck to the wall. Yeah. Cause people would just like, it would stick. Cause you, but don't they just give you a mat? Like,

Like, why are you stealing? This was a fun thing for me to do as I was going down. I would be like, oh, there's a mat right there. Grab it. Which makes me think. But what about the mat that you had in your hand? I still had it. I could come out of the tube with two mats. Dude, it was. With multiple mats, so you're going slower. Did you have to carry your mat, or were you given a mat?

at the top. I think you turned them in at the bottom and then you were given one at the top. I don't think you carried it in line. So you thought it was cool to be like, dude, I'm not even going to have to wait for a mat. I got one right here, player. These are raging water kids. They didn't even need mats. They don't even fucking know, dude.

In Manteca, you had to have mats, so fuck Manteca, dude. Okay, there it is. You know what? Now that I'm talking about it, Manteca was fucking stupid, dude. Raging Waters for life. Dope name, but I'm a Waterworld boy myself. Thank you. Yeah, Concord Waterworld is the best. Season pass. I should get a season pass now. Did you guys ever... I know this didn't happen to Durst, but did you guys ever almost die at a water park? Dude.

You mean drown or die? Because I one time jumped off of... I couldn't swim yet. What does that mean? I was 17. What were you doing at a water park? No, I was a little kid and I couldn't swim quite yet. I was like probably six, five. And I couldn't...

really swim that well. Okay, that's fine. Don't let Ders bully you. Ders, could you swim when you were six or five? Yeah, I'm sure you could. I was on a team at five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm built like a bowling ball, you know? I wasn't built for the water. I qualified for Wise States at five. Then transferred to USA Swimming affiliated team and JOs were just not a big deal. Wow. Wow.

And so I was like, I'm going to jump off the high dive.

but get close enough to the edge that I'll be able to get out. This is a water park or this is a pool? This is a pool. Got it, got it. So I was like, I'm going to leap off the side because I thought jumping off high things into something that you're not going to hurt yourself in sounds fun. That does sound really fun, yes. But then I couldn't get to the side, so I just kind of sunk down. I didn't even float. Fuck. I just remember laying down there and then thinking like,

This is how I'm going to die. Right. Perfect. But then the movie Sandlot was out. So I was like, is whatever her name, peppercorn, Sandy Peppercorn, going to leap in with her beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes, big titties and save my ass? Yeah, perfect time to get kissed. Yeah. So who saved you?

Some ugly guy named Clark. Adam's a ghost. Yeah. Just his bro named Clark. He was like, he was like, don't fucking ever do that again. I do love the idea that he deals with this constantly after Sandlot came out. He's like, look, dude, just no hot. Tell me you're not dead. I'm not kissing you.

I don't want to kiss you. We got another dude trying to get kissed. And then I remember telling my mom that I wish I was saved by the girl from Sandlot, and she felt so bad for me, she got me a Kit Kat because I was a fat kid. Right.

You'll get a kiss. Adam, you'll force a woman to kiss you someday. Here's a Kit Kat in the meantime. That's right. So do you have like a weird thing with Kit Kats now? Yeah. No. Oh, he said no like yes. Yes. Well, I don't, I mean, no, I don't. Give me a break. Give me a break. It's not a weird thing. Break me off so I can kiss this woman and trick her. It's not a weird thing. Oh, it's a kiss, it's a kiss cat bar. Give me a break.

Right? It's not a weird thing. I just like to freeze them and shove them up my ass. Give me a break. Shove them up my ass and I'll train someone to kiss me. That is actually...

I mean, I was about to say like Kit Kats are probably the best frozen treat to shove up your ass, but... Oh, this is good. This is good. This is good. No, every candy bar is better than a Kit Kat. I've got one. Chocolate covered banana. I would take a Babe Ruth up my ass so fast. You know what? You're joking. Yeah. Or maybe you're... Blake's mom just ran out the exit. Come on, man. Grandma's here. But you know how like they say like Snickers kind of have like a cock vein on them?

Oh, you're right. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. You know what? Yeah, I don't know. Do we know how they say that? Look at us, Snickers. When you get home, it was just Halloween. Unwrap that motherfucker. It has...

It's got vascularity. Something is weird about it. I do like that someone in here has had a baby Ruth in their ass and they're super quiet right now. They're like, these guys are crazy. We should ask our doctor. She's standing up. She's like, I've seen all. It's actually good for your digestive swing. The peanuts dissolve into vitamin B. Just don't put a shrimp down your dick hole.

In a shrimp deck. Whatever you do. Should we do some hot topics? Oh, okay. Sure. Wait, is it? Here's a thing. Are shrimp pink because they eat something pink, right? I think so. No, no, no. Flamingo are pink because they eat shrimp. Is that real? In Marine World, Africa, USA. Is that real? No.

Yes, that is. I knew there was something. Wow. But what's cool is that I said our shrimp pink and she's like, and I was wrong. That is true because in Charleston there are flamingos. And they're gray. And they're like white until I saw one and it was just like pink as fuck.

fuck with all the white ones. I'm like, look, he made friends with all these other birds. This is a multiracial flamingo gathering. Whites and pinks. Wait, but are there no shrimp there? Was one of them eating all the shrimp? One gobbled more shrimp than the others. Amazing. I don't know. What's the word?

No, no, like a... A shrimp school? No, like he's the guy who like hoards them all. Oh, he's a shrimp hoarder? Are we still here? Hit me with it, Blake. Are we still on? Sure. San Jose police honored for solving 100% of their homicide cases in 2022. San Jose. Woo!

That's so fucking good. Obviously, rest in peace to the people, and if anyone's here affiliated with these murders, we're not joking about them. We're stoked for you guys. No, we're honoring them. Yeah. A total of 36 homicides were solved. This is actually fucking incredible, dude. 100%. That's unreal. Because in L.A., you go like, yo, this person was murdered, and they're like, oh, yeah, cool. Right.

They found them in a bucket? Oh, yeah. No, you're like, oh, yeah? You're like, dude, my neighbor was just murdered. They're like, oh, yeah, were they murdered? No, like, I saw them. They were stabbed to death in front of me. Oh, was it scary? Oh, they used a knife and not a gun? Was it a knife or a gun? Neither. It was an axe. Oh, really?

Oh, and the shining. Oh, it's like movies. Oh, that seems scary, you fucking bitch. Get out of here. I gotta go get to my audition.

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Go to ZOAenergy.com. That's Z-O-A-Energy.com. So here's what I'm wondering. How bad are these murderers? They're all getting caught. Are the cops good or are the murderers just like...

oh, fuck, all these people just watched me kill this lady. Right. The San Jose murderers are notoriously bad murderers. Right. It's just they're covered in blood and they're like, I don't know who did it. Right. There's no way to tell, officer. No, their main answer is, nuh-uh. Did you do it? Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. We know you did. You're holding an ax, you're covered in blood.

So even before this achievement of 100%, their solve rate, which is a cool thing to say, their solve rate was between 80 and 90%. Whoa, okay. Good on you, San Jose. Good on you. Yeah. Right. Boasts the lowest homicide rate per capita among the nation's 50 largest cities. Nice, dude. Look at him go. Cool.

Interesting. Cool story, bro. Interesting things. Hit me with your... Oh, yeah. Hold on. Let me get back there now. Let's mine something for some comedy here. Robert Kardashian, which he was OJ Simpson's lawyer. Is that right? Yeah. I don't know. I think that was it. Yep. Yeah. Robert. Robert. His name is Robert. Robert. That's a lame name.

Robert is the name of a lot of people. It should be Bobby. Well, wait. It could be Bobby. You don't know him, though. It might have been Bobby to his friends. His official name is Robert. It should be Bobby Kardashian. Blake, when you get to know a Robert, that's when you get to call him Bobby. My Uncle Bob was always Uncle Bob.

Okay. And when my mom, hi, mom. Or she's not here. When my mom told me my uncle's name was Robert, I was like, what the fuck, dude? Yeah. You couldn't handle that? Yeah, when Uncle Bob's name is Robert? No, dude. I don't dislike the name Robert. We were going to name our child Robert, but I guess not now. Wait, so what's fun about Robert is you've got Bob.

You got Bobby. Yep. You've got Rob. You got Robbie. You've got Robbie. You've got Bert if you want it. I know. Bert's a fucking sick ass name. Yep. You got Bert if you want it. Wait, are you saying that... It's pretty... Are you stupid? It's pretty cool. It's a fucking dope ass name. Wait, are you saying that every Bert that I've ever met, which is none...

We were just on Bert Kreischer's cooking show ten days ago. Yeah, and also you just referenced Bert Bacharach too. Yeah. I've never met him. And you know Kermit, and Kermit knows Bert and Ernie. Okay, shut the fuck up. Okay, what's your genius point? You're saying that every Bert is Robert.

I think it's either... I don't think every, but I mean... I think people are named Bert. I don't think Bert is short for Robert because it's B-U-R-T. No, it is not. Yes, it is. Yes, it can be. Yes, it can be. Bert Kreischer is B-E-R-T. That's why I don't count him. That's why I didn't count him. Oh, so in your world, he just doesn't exist. Okay. All right, come on. Just read the story. I'm just saying, it's got a lot of options. It's a cool name. So Bobby...

- Khabi Kardashian. - Blake. - Okay, I like this guy. - Wanted to marry Priscilla Presley. - Sure, who didn't? - Until she cooked for him. - Yeah. - Evidently, Kris Jenner was a better cook than Priscilla Presley. - What do you think Kris Jenner's go-to best dish is?

Shrimp. You said water and shrimp. Did you say daughters? I'll serve you my daughters. I feel like that is what happened. She said water, or he said water. Then I tried to make a joke out of it. No, daughters was really good, and guess what? You get... Yes, points! Yeah, so, I mean, this is a dumb story. Evidently, they went on a date, and she cooked him asparagus, and he was like, fucking yuck! Well, come on, that's a tough meal. OJ, get her! laughter

Naked grandma! Yikes. Well, I mean, yeah, that is a weird first date. Like, come over to my house, I'm going to make something that's going to make your piss smell horrific. Which, by the way, is fucking immediate. Like, when you... Does that happen when you have asparagus? I don't know if it's immediate, but it is fun to wonder how long it takes for your pee to be stinky. Let's ask the doctor. I feel like if I'm at a restaurant... It always smells already!

As soon as you see it, your piss spells. It's within two minutes. You put too many words strung together there, Blake. Sorry, my bad. We got some... Oh, Isaac. We're done here. Give us some Q&As, Isaac. Those were some hot topics. How's your guys' asparagus? Isaac Horn, everybody.

I like to drink. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. So you guys gave us some hot cues, and we got some sweet A's for you. I'm getting radical. We're not talking about our butts. So Sophia G., she asks, what is your best memory in the Bay? And I'll start off here. Look at this guy. He's getting helped out. Oh, damn. Is he getting helped out? Hey, don't spotlight him. Dude, we...

Let's applause this guy. I like your style. I like this guy's style. He had so many buzz balls, he had to be taken out. I do like that we think he's drunk. He actually just got hit by a buzz ball. Best memory? Is that what you said? Best memory? I would say my favorite memory was when we did Thanksgiving at your house and we used to do weigh-ins. Oh, yeah. And I weighed in like...

at the beginning of Thanksgiving and then we did like three dinners, right? Yeah. Because we would do like a Friendsgiving, then another Friendsgiving, then like Blake's house, then fucking all over the place. Like three or four places. My mom's got stovetop at six. And, uh,

You can't stop eating. From the beginning to the end, like 11 pounds. Yeah, it was a massive increase. Well done, dude. Thank you, dude. That's a Thanksgiving for the books. So that was my favorite memory in the Bay was how fat I got on Thanksgiving. That's a good mem. Yeah, that's a good mem. I like that mem, too. Mine is when my daughter was born here, okay? Hey! That's very real. Hey!

Beautiful. Beautiful child. Not your son or what's up? My son was born in Los Angeles. So it's not. Yeah. So I can do that. I can do that. I knew that. So yeah. Yeah. You did. Ders, do you have a Bay Area memory? You're looking at it. All right. That was pretty good. You know what?

This has weirdly been the tour of places I've swam, and I haven't done a swim meet here. Really? No memories. I have a lot of great memories. A little too many. I was there when Jason Isringhausen threw the last pitch for the eight. We struck that dude out. And then I was here when the Warriors won the championship. A lot of great stuff. Yep, yep. A lot of great stuff. Partying with Clay Thompson afterwards. Partying with Clay Thompson with my little brother, AJ. You've got to say how it happened, though.

Okay, so... This is fucking good. And this is when the hair comes in handy. Not when it's next to me at the airport. The Warriors had just won the championship in... What was it? Like two... Yeah, it's the... No, it wasn't Issa Bagel Night. It was not Issa Bagel Night. Because I was here in the Bay, and they had won the championship. I was in the car with my brother and cousin Feek. He's a rapper. He's like sick with it records or whatever. We went to this club. Okay, okay.

It was the official after party for the Warriors. They just won the championship. I keep saying that over and over again. Yeah, we know. We know. They win a lot of championships. I told my brother to stay close, but he kind of lagged behind. And the bouncer knew me, let me in. And as soon as I looked back, my brother was not there. He was on the outside. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And they're like, can I get my brother in? He's like, it's not happening, dude. He's like, this is the after party. His hair's too short. And I was like...

Fuck. His hair is too... He's too handsome. So I went in. I'm kicking it. Two shorts there. E-40s there. JaVale McGee's there. Everybody is awaiting the Warriors' arrival, and I'm like, but I don't have my little brother. I can't. Yeah. I can't. It's my brother. I can't leave my brother behind. So I'm like...

I tell Too Short, sorry, dude, I gotta leave. I gotta go get my brother. He's like, I don't give a fuck, but okay. Too Short's like, who are you? Very cool. So I go outside. There's my brother waiting. I'm like...

God damn it, dude. I wish you were never born. We're missing the greatest party of our lives. Let's go around the corner. I'm going to call an Uber. Fuck this. We go around the corner. We take a right. We're walking down. I'm like, you know, just sad. And all of a sudden I hear, Blake! Like, turn around. There's this big black SUV. Okay, okay.

That's fine. I... Okay, okay, okay. I got a little riled up there for a second. And the window is rolled down and none other than fucking Clay Thompson is hanging out the window and he's like, Blake, get in! And I'm like, and my brother looks at me and he's just like, jizz and blood and diarrhea. He's like, oh good! And I'm like, oh!

But then he goes, but not your brother. Yeah. No, we ended up, me and my brother get into Clay's SUV and

He fucking, he's like, smell, dude, feel the hat. Like, Clay's like, feel the hat. It still has champagne on it. I'm like, it does. It smells like champagne. It really does. This is real. I love that, too. We go to the back of the club. Like, we wait with the team. It's like Steve Kerr is everybody. Hey, what's up, Blake? How are you doing? We walk into the club with the team, with my brother. It was the fucking best night of my life. That sounds dope. Unreal. It was very dope. It was very dope.

I love that story. That's a great story. When we drove home in the Uber, my brother looked at me and said, I think this was the best day of my life. And I'm like, awesome, dude. Me too. That's dope. Yeah, it was very sick. Very sick. I love it. Shout out to AJ. Shout out, man. The young go hard. He'll be in Oakland. Come meet him. So Marissa Ryan wants to know, what makes you nervous? Ooh.

Ooh, what makes you nervous? I've often wondered this about you. Does anything make you nervous? Yeah, Adam, you're kind of... Because I feel like I have nerves for everything, and any time I come to you, you're like, fucking who cares? I'm ready to fight this fucking crowd. Yeah, okay. Like, do you have anything that makes you nervous, Mr. 40-year-old wise guy? Yeah. I don't, I mean, no. No?

See? But there has to be something. Yeah, there has to be. Yeah, come back to me. There's something for sure. I'm a scaredy cat. I get nervous. Yeah, Blake's pretty scared. We did Shark Week. I didn't even... Sharks. That shit was scary. I don't like airplanes. I get nervous there. Me too, dude. Me too. Surprisingly, this kind of shit doesn't bug me, but that's probably because of the buzz balls. Yeah, yeah, there it is. There it is.

And we've been performing professionally for like 15 years. So you could still get nervous. Hello. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like spending my entire childhood in a Speedo, you just kind of end up built to be embarrassed or not to be embarrassed about anything. You know, we'll slip of the tongue. I might get nervous like right before going out. And I remember I did...

like I host, or I presented at the Emmys and like did like this big song and dance. Right. And then like right before going out being like, my heart was a little bit of a flutter and then I looked at myself in this reflective like, it was like a poster and I just looked at myself and I go, you bitch. Yeah. And then I just went on stage. What are you, Kyle? Yeah. I always go, shut up, bitch. I always just go like, don't be a Kyle. And then like, that's it.

That hell would make sense. I have too many nerves. Why? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. I mean, I guess it's like fear of the worst case scenario or something. You know what I mean? If you want to get real. What is the worst case scenario? You shit your pants and Michael Douglas is in the crowd and he just goes, no! And you're like, Michael Douglas just screamed no at me. I'm here at the Emmys. Catherine Zeta-Jones just pukes.

When she sees me. Right. And then you go, that's a pretty fun story to tell on your deathbed. Yeah, you're right. Anything that's like worst case is funny after enough time. Adam just goes, how's this situation going to play on my deathbed? And then he's good. So Steven M wants to know, if you were on the game show, what would you do? And Mark Summers asked you guys. What? Oh, Double Dare? No, it's what, what, what would you do? I don't know what, what, what. What?

And the fucking eyeball is like, yeah. And they're like, you gotta go on the pie coaster. And then it was the lamest ride and you would just like go through like pie. Is that, was that, was it a pie coaster or was it a pie chair that had like all the things? It was, every week was something different. Pie chair, pie coaster, the pie coaster. No one was born when

the show was on. I have no idea. No one knows what the fuck we're talking about. What would be your secret talent? Oh, is that what this was about? Yeah, it was like a hidden talent. Oh, can you like fart with your armpit? Yeah, like what is your secret? Right. I feel like for us, most of our secret talents, we've used them. They're on display. Yeah, we've used them a lot. Yeah, or lack of talent.

That's the secret. I feel like back in the day, if you would have asked me, what could you do, I'd probably just try to fart with my hand in my armpit. Let's hear it. Yeah, this is something my mom taught me how to do, man. This is what my mom taught me how to do. Let's hear it, dude. Okay, here we go. Let's see if he's still got it. Arm and hammer. Kyle. Not that great. We could kind of hear it. It didn't really. Not that great. Maybe he has to take his shirt off to really get in there.

- No, dude, good work. - This is really fucking hard, actually. - That was embarrassing. - Hey, turns out you're a talentless bro. - Mom, what happened? What am I doing wrong?

It's got to be the deodorant that blocked it, bro. That's embarrassing. I could piss for an incredibly long amount of time. That is true. When I met Adam, I marveled at how long he would urinate, you know, because we work together and you're on the same patterns. And he would just be at the urinal for a very long time. And then when we would poop together, very quick.

Very fast. This is before smartphones when you would kind of take a moment. Yeah. In and out. Slides right out of there. It's true. Yep. Do not come. You know what? I guess I have my like arm thing. Oh, yeah. What is it? Show us.

He's gotta take his shirt off. Take his shirt off. Yeah, one of us will take the shirt off. Can I get you a mic right here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. Okay, wait a minute. He did it. See? I'm gonna go viral with this one. This is so weak. We have no talent. I gotta hear it. I hear it. I hear it. Tickle.

Dude, we would have been the worst on What Would You Do? By the way, it kind of made a smacky noise, so that was cool. What do you got? Take your fucking shirt off. I'm not about to say I can do something and then not. You have to take your shirt off. I've got nothing. Yeah, maybe if I took it off. Guys, I'll say that these questions here in San Jose, historically bad. San Jose

This one just goes, have you ever been white water rafting? Oh, I have. I have. I have. Yeah, I have. That's a pretty good question. Great question. I have. Yeah. Quick story. Yeah. I went when I was, I guess, six in Colorado. And they were like, you got to be eight. And my dad's like, well, he's pretty tall. I mean, he's probably as tall as an eight-year-old. And they were like...

Look, you can bring them on if you want, but it's at your risk. And my dad's like, okay, cool, because we can't just leave them. He's like, I don't care if this one dies. The whole family wants to go. He can swim. So I'm sitting on my dad's lap, and we hit our first class whatever rapid. And I just fucking go, and slip right down to the bottom of the boat. And then my dad just goes and pins me down between his legs for the rest of the entire ride. And I'm like...

Essentially below the outside of the boat. Just like, I'm sure it's beautiful. I think I can see my dad's balls. Dude, I love when parents truly... Your safety was such a secondary concern. Right. I remember my dad took me hunting. I'm like 11. The shotgun's bigger than I am. Okay. He puts me in the back of our truck. It's icy.

And he goes, "We'll just drive around till you see a bird." So I'm just shivering in the back of this truck. Right. With the shotgun loaded. My dad stops 'cause we see a bird. I shoot, the birds fly away, I miss, and my dad goes, "We'll catch up to 'em." He guns it. I slide, hit the back tailgate,

flip out of the truck with a loaded shotgun. Oh, no. And then my dad just kept driving like half a mile later until he just sees his like 11-year-old in snow pants. I'm still going to send it. Oh, my God. The birds are like, oh, Jesus, they're back.

Watch this. You gotta see this. I mean, a lot of heavy-hitting questions here, guys. This one just goes, how many squares of toilet paper do you guys use when you're wiping your ass? You know what? I feel like this is our fault, though. Like, we've... This is the monster we've created. Yeah. I like the Whitewater Rapids. That was a great question. Yeah. Yeah. That was a great question. Who counts the squares? Who's there counting squares? You count the squares? I?

I tell my kids four squares. You tell your kids? Actually, that's probably a good idea. Because, dude, you've never gone into a bathroom after your kids and you just see, like, nine feet of toilet paper and still connected to the thing and they're wiping their ass looking up like, what, this isn't how you do it? The cause of diarrhea. Okay, so it's going to be four and then you tear. Four and then you tear.

rinse and repeat. Oh, that's not how I do it at all. I go 36 squares. Just a big fucking massive ball. You're like, and you do you. And then you grab it and you pull it out. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Right? No, yeah. You shove 36 squares up your ass and then you pull it out really fast. No, I know that. That's called the Rapunzel method. Yeah. You guys know I was joking about the four squares. Yeah, we know. I don't even have kids. Any take-backs? Any apologies? Any epic giveaways here? Oh, huh. Yeah. You know what? I would like to take back when I tried to fight you guys. Okay. Okay.

I really love you guys. I'm having a great time here in San Jose. Just know that there was a huge part of me that right when I said that, I wanted to say Santa Cruz just so you guys would be like, fuck you. Wow, that would have been pretty epic. That's just me being an asshole, and that's who I am. I've got lots of friends in San Jose. No, I'm having a great time, so sorry I tried to fight you guys. Love you.

That's a good one. That's a really good one. I want to take back that I said, like, regime. Regime. You know, it's the best...

It's the best water park ever in existence. And Manteca and Waterworld don't even hold a freaking... Does it have a straight downslide? Bro, it doesn't have anything anymore because R.I.P., dude. R.I.P. So I guess it's not anything. So I would like to take back them closing Raging Waters. That fucking sucks ass. I think you're exploiting takebacks in ways that I don't approve of. My bad, my bad. That's undue.

I want to undo the closing of Raging Waters. Like if you had one wish, that would be it? If I had one wish, like Ray J? Yeah, let me get a couple of those out. Shout out to Raycon Headphones. I got no take backs. You guys were fucking great. I feel like I didn't cross any lines. San Jose! I'm sorry if anybody goes to this doctor. San Jose! San Jose! But we do have some epic giveaways. And by epic, I mean shirts!

So let's bring up some house lights a little bit.

Mom, are you here? Mom, I see Andrew. Where? Where's Andrew? There they are. Hey, Teddy's here. She did come. I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad. Teddy, yeah! Teddy's here. Heck yeah. Thank you so much, San Jose. We had a blast. Wow!

Thank you guys. Thank you. We love you.

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