Ep 188: Blake’s A Stand Up Guy, But Not How You Think…
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Standing up, side of the bed, t-shirt on, no pants, fully engorged, shouting. For some reason, when I'm hungover, I always feel the need to seed. I jerked off into TJ Maxx once. Let's go! Hey, hey, hey, we back. Let's go. You feel that? Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

All right, that's 15 seconds. Is that what? Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Dude, that gets white people going in like Midwestern...

Suburban whites. The whites here fired up. Do they play that at sports stadiums and stuff? That feels like a sports anthem. It feels like it. That's what I'm saying. But do we hear this? I haven't heard it. Why don't we? That's crazy. If you told me that the guy from Disturbed actually did lock children in his basement or something, I don't know.

But there has to be a reason we don't hear that at stadiums. Allegedly. Go ahead, Adam. The lead singer definitely, I think, passed away. I think the lead singer is dead. Oh, really? Well, was he a good guy or did he lock kids in the basement? I mean, he's a lead singer of a band called Disturbed. Go ahead, Adam. Yeah, I feel like he was disturbed in a way. I feel like, you know, there's a lot of things there. What if he was really well adjusted? Well, then I feel like we would be hearing that at every stadium.

Disturbed was talking about like the planet, not himself. Oh, the lead singer of Disturbed is still alive, says Todd. Wait, then who died? Oh, I know who died. Linkin Park. Oh, there it is. No, I know. Linkin Park and also it was called like Drowning Pool, right? There was a band and

And that shit was pretty fire, too. I've got to look that up. I'll play the first 15 seconds of it. All right. Adam, how you doing, dude? I'm checking out. He doesn't seem that disturbed. He seems just like a guy that is in a band, which which is a little disappointing because if you name your band disturbed, you got to do some disturbing shit. For sure. You want him to walk the walk? Yeah. Yeah. You got to walk the walk.

But I'm also like, well, why don't we hear that song at every stadium then? Because I want when my L.A. Clippers, when Kawhi Leonard just dunks on a fool for it to go, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Clippers are so good. You know, we don't really deep dive sports. And also, this is two weeks out. So who knows? They might not be first place. Right now. Anybody who cares anything about basketball, this might be the Clippers year. That's what they're all saying. And guess what? I don't like it. I don't like what they. Yeah, because you are a cursed franchise. We do know that. We are. We certainly are. But.

This feels beyond the curse. You know, it feels good, but if the first game of the playoffs, the entire team's knees explode, that's...

That would make perfect sense. They're like a jump ball. What just happened? They all fall to the ground. Their knees exploded. There was some seaport. Yeah, that would make a lot of sense. What's the furthest they've gone in the Western Conference Finals was the furthest they've gone. That was just a couple of years ago. Oh, no shit. Which to people who don't watch sports, that's right before the finals.

Which is where you win it all. Who'd they play? Phoenix? Phoenix. Phoenix. I think it was. Phoenix. Toasty. Yeah.

Love it. Well, good luck with that. Or will you go to some playoff games if that happens? Yeah, I mean, the baby, by this podcast, the baby is, I think, 13 years old. Yeah, dude. Oh, my gosh. Your kid is 13. So I'm celebrating his 13th birthday. What's he up to, man? Just jerking off a lot, dude. Yeah. Okay, keep catching him.

He can't. He can't stop it. Hey, your boy is disturbed. Yeah, he is disturbed. Now that's disturbed. My God, I keep walking in and my boy's fucking beating off into a tube sock. Yeah, and every time I see him jerking off into a Kleenex or a tube sock, I go, what are you doing? What?

I go, wah! Oh, man. That is wild, dude. You're going to have a boy. Boys are wild.

way crazy. That's going to be fun for you. What are you basing that on, Blake? The fact that I have girls and they're very well behaved, but boys are psychos. I'm basing it on myself. I jerked off everywhere. It was amazing. That's not psycho. That's just passing the time. Yeah, it's just jerking off. And by the way, I feel like I wouldn't even be... My dad, every time I was in the bathroom taking a shit...

That shit's important. Absolutely every time I was in there going to the bathroom, he would go, quit jerking it. You're going to go blind through the bathroom door. And what's funny is probably 85% of the time he was right.

Right. It's the only way you could climax. I'm not jerking off. I'm like, stop. I'm not. But also I am. I do like how you go into the bathroom just to take a shit. And he's like, don't jerk off in there. You're like, I'm not. And then you're like, well, come to think of it. Not a bad idea. Not a bad idea, dad. Were you sitting down to shit and jerking off in sitting position? Because that's fucking disturbed. Yeah. What do you mean? I jerk off in sitting positions. Wait.

I still do. Blake can only do it bending over, looking backwards into a mirror. What do you mean, Blake? I don't. Honestly. We got a stander. I probably could count on my hands. Wait, what is this saying? I could probably count the number of times on my hands how many times I've jerked off in sitting positions.

like sitting straight up. What are you talking about? So this is, we're finding what I love about the podcast is we just find out these little tidbits. Crazy. If you ever, if you ever want to find out the most intimate details of your best friend's lives, uh,

I started a podcast and do about 190 episodes. Yeah. Yeah. You start to scrape the bottom of the barrel. You really start to find out. You find out that I stand up while wiping. And that was, I mean, my God, we got a, we got a lot of mileage on that. That was early. Right. That was, I got a whole lot of mileage out of that.

That's one of the pillars of this podcast. But this, it actually disturbs me. You seem to hit the button. Hit the button. Hit the button. I got to get that one on. It definitely disturbs me. That's got to be ready because this is happening. Wow.

Thank you. Never sitting down? Dude, what? Yeah. By the way, the saying is I can count on one hand, but like. Yeah. Count on one hand. I can count on my hands. I count on my hands. And you can only count with one hand if that's. I never J-O in the seated position. What did you do before like laptops and you were in front of a desktop computer at like your parents' house? Yeah.

Yep, correct. Oh, so there were years I was sitting down. My bad. No. Uh-huh, correct, Ders. No, I just... You were standing? I think I was standing. So you could, like, dart out the... I could see Blake being one of those weirdos who didn't look at porn and would just, like, smell like he stole a girl's sweater and he would just smell the...

the sweater and then just jerk off while standing up looking in the mirror while he's wearing the sweater. Something like that. What? I can see you doing something like that. Very detailed. Very detailed, Adam. Hey, Blake, let's just say I think you're a little disturbed.

No, no, no, no. But maybe I do have an active memory. Maybe I don't need a visual companion because in my mind I can summon things. So I don't need to be seated at that family computer to have a visual. Well, sure, you don't have to. I'm not saying you have to. Of course the like...

The spontaneity hits us all at various times. Sure. I jerked off in a TJ Maxx once. Yeah, that's when it hit him. Wait, that sounds like you're... That's why!

that's a little disturbing but like okay so are you willing to accept that you've blocked out probably years of sitting down upright at a desktop computer um yeah i guess i was more thinking in my adult life like i don't do it any longer in a seated position like if it's gonna happen i can't remember the last time i jo what about all those drives up to the bay

That's a handful at least right there. You're not jerking off and driving. No. You throw the Tony Braxton on? Whoa. Hitting the grapevine while cranking down? No. While grabbing your grapevine? I think maybe. Yes. Points. Points. Gosh, you got to put me to work today. Yes, points. Oh, thank you.

You're viney grape. I don't think that. No, maybe one time I've done it on the drive from L.A. to the Bay. I don't really get. Maybe Kyle was the guy that used to do it a lot. Kyle, too. I mean, my God. I think he does. Looking for baby in my adult life. I don't think I ever find myself J.O. in a seated position.

It does just doesn't. There's not really a lot of times when that happens. So, Blake, you're at a desk right now. Yes. Should I go? And I am J.O.E. Yes, but I won't go to completion. I promise. There's never a time you have a toddler in your house. This is why I don't like talking about my kids. Hey, Blake, we got to prepare him for fatherhood. Come on. Be honest. You're in your... You have like an ADU, right? So it's like as...

mother-in-law suite that you're in. Completely detached. Completely detached. I can do whatever I want. ADU for a little JOI. So you're kind of tucked away. It's up high where you're at. It's like a loft, so no one's breaking in. Tucked. There's not a time where you just, after the pod or whenever, you're like, you know what? I'm going to give myself a sweet treat before going and playing with my child. Mm-hmm.

And seeing what's for dinner. Yeah. Hang on a second. Before you start to smell the hamburger helper and mosey on back inside the house. Stove tops for dinner. No, honestly. Honestly, that moment has not come for me.

Hey, yes points. So that kind of leads me to believe that maybe you don't jerk off that often at all. Daily? I guess what is often for...

If you guys want to share with what is often, what do you mean? Like how often are you guys jerking off? I think daily is a lot. I think daily is a lot. I think three times a week. Daily is a lot for someone in a relationship. Daily is a lot for people that are our age, that are in a long-term committed relationship. I think daily would be, it's just, that's a lot of doing. Right. I think three times a week you're putting in work. Yeah. Okay. You know, you're putting up numbers. You're...

I'd say a couple times a week. I'd say at least once. Always once. Most twice. Oh, yeah. There's no way I'm not doing that. If the clock is about to strike midnight on a Sunday. I get it in. I excuse myself from wherever I am and I get it in. I say, I'm going to the ADU. I sprint to the nearest ADU. Go Nays! Yeah, well, huh.

I wonder. That's really interesting because as your life goes on, supposedly your masturbation times are supposed to decrease. I think that's what we were told. And I don't know if it's true. Yeah. You jerk off the most at the very beginning in retirement. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. Then it ramps back up towards the end for sure. Uh,

Because you're just killing time. Yeah. Waiting to die. So what are your numbers like here, Blake? Because I feel like my numbers are two, three times a week. Two, three times a week. But then if I'm hungover, I'll jerk off five times that day. Dude, Adam, it's really weird you mentioned that.

For some reason, when I'm hungover, I always feel the need to seed. Yeah, you got to get the poison out points. Yeah. What is that? What is that? It's science. Hit the button. You guys are putting me to work. I mentioned this to Chloe because she's like, what is your deal? Why are you so horny when you're hungover? It's science. Can I come in? No. Yes.

Adam, I love that you're saying that. Why are you so horny when you're hungover? Yeah, what is that? Because obviously she's not. She's like, if we, you know, we drank together, we, you know, she's like, I don't, why, why are you touching me? Why are you grinding up on me? And I'm like, well, now I have to jerk off five times. If you don't want to have sex with me five times, then I have to jerk off five times. You know where I'm going to be. And I know, I like that you, I like that you say it in a normal tone when in reality, I know you scream it.

That seems... I know that it's... That seems a little bit... Standing up, side of the bed, t-shirt on, no pants, fully engorged, shouting. Now I'm going to jerk off five times. Fine. I guess I had to jerk off five times. I think maybe what I have calculated in my mind is that I feel so bad that I want to feel good. That's right. That's exactly right. Feels good. Yeah. Yeah.

But also, I'm hoping that somehow the hangover comes out through my penis and it's gone for the rest of the day. That's also what I'm. Yeah, I think that's what everybody's thinking. Interesting. But but but hang on. So you don't sit down. Where do you jerk off the roof? He's a true workaholic.

Yeah, dude, I go to Van Nuys and I go to the workaholics house. I go to Hamlin and I really I really put in work. I don't know. I feel like if I'm ever doing it, it's either laying down or standing up, but never just seated in a chair. Standing up. OK, well, this is a shower situation. OK.

Or, yeah. Wait, no, no, no. He hesitated. Standing up. Yeah. Are we in socks? This is dangerous. First of all, the shower sucks. The shower sucks. You're not into it? No. Of course not. It sucks.

And the way you hesitated when he said this is obviously a shower situation, you were like, ah, that leads me to believe you're just in a closet somewhere in your home, standing. Yeah, you're carrying so much shame, and you don't have to. You don't have to. Let it out on the pot.

Let it out. Ew. I feel like these are the times that I wish Kyle was here because he would say some shit where he actually does something way more fucked up and I could allow you guys to go bury him. But right now I feel like you guys are kind of piling on me. I'm not piling. I'm actually trying to get to the bottom of this because you're the one who... And I'm not sure I want it to get to the bottom of. I don't know if I actually want to talk about this.

Oh. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. We can just... You know what I will say? Kyle for sure has beat off outside more than all of us combined. Yeah. That's what I think. He's big into nature, like, not in a good way. Yeah, he'll go take a jerk-off walk. Yeah. Yes, he will take his shoes and socks off, bury them in his garden, and then beat off on his cucumbers for sure. No, and then use his...

dick shovel to dig them back up. And that's how he gets, yeah. That's how he plants his seed. He fucks the ground. Yeah, he goes, I'm hunting for some earthworms, honey. And then he puts his worm in the earth. Man, I've seen so many worms. I'm gonna start doing that a lot, by the way. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. There's his hot new catchphrase. You're suddenly just Wendy Williams. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Yo, Wendy Williams is probably the best show of all time. She is an entertainer. She's the best. Let me use my new catchphrase. I find her very fascinating. She's so cool. I don't disagree. She's fascinating. Well, I want the world to know that Blake is choosing not to talk about how he stands up and jerks off and it's not the shower. And that's a secret.

that he's willing to let be a secret instead of just... Are you on like a endo board? Is this like, are you building skill sets? No, it's a secret. It's his secret. So now we know that Blake has a secret out there. I just want to say that if you're doing this in stocking feet, if you have socks on, it's slippery, it's dangerous.

And if that's how you die... That one's for me, and when I start my Patreon, it will be revealed. I will take the TII citizens that really want to know and take them over to my Patreon. And if...

I think you have to say TI Nation Citizens. Otherwise, I don't know if it works at all. I think it works for every blah, blah, blah nation. We'll work on it. What do you guys got to bring to the table? I'm a pretty open book. I mentioned that I jerk off. I gave times. I gave locations. I was pretty open. You're the one with these deep, dark secrets about how you jerk off.

It's a revelation, though. It really is. The fact that you only stand and you never sit. The fact that Adam stands to shit and you stand to jack off. I'm like, what do I stand to do? If that's the three-point stance, sir. Yeah. You don't stand for anything. That's true. Damn it, I don't stand for anything. I'm spineless. I stand for the damn flag. I'll tell you what. I stand for the damn flag. That's for damn sure. Is that what it is? Is there an American flag in the room? Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. You take your hat off. I take my hat off. I put it over my heart. I stand and I start to freaking. Now that's disturbed. Let's see that purple mountain majesty. Absolutely, baby. What else?

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I mean, it'll be a few weeks old now, but we're trying to stockpile some episodes up because I'm going to have a baby and then I'm going to be out of commission for a few weeks. And then Kyle, who no longer is part of the podcast, it can't just be two guys. It's got to be at least three. You know, we're not going to do, you know. So, yeah.

in a few weeks this is gonna come out a few weeks late but blake is going to the super bowl which i'm fucking stoked i can't wait to hear all about it baby yeah hopefully this is uh me two weeks into my celebration but i am very excited to go me two weeks good way to put it yeah it's um it's the first super bowl that this is what's crazy it's in las vegas yeah i

That's a weird place to have a damn Super Bowl. It's going to be. Sounds fucking awesome.

It does sound awesome. Yeah. I mean, it is going to be very awesome. What are you talking about? But it's just like, it's almost too awesome. That's what I'm worried about. It's like, what the freaking hell? No such thing. It is. I know what you're saying. It's like the city's almost kind of... Like, if you end up somehow not going to the Super Bowl for a whole other reason, you might be fine. Like, there's other shit going down. Yeah. I feel like it's the only city that can...

actually handle the super bowl, like actually handle it because there's so much going on there that, and there's so much indoor space. You, you can actually, once the, once the game is over, all of those people can go to 30 different casinos and it won't feel that overwhelming when like no other city has that. And like, uh, I went to the super bowl a few years ago, uh,

Tampa Bay versus the Chiefs. And it was in Tampa Bay. And there's like one stretch where people party in Tampa Bay. Right. And...

It was fucking bedlam, dude. It was scary. There was multiple murders on that street that night. That's just Tampa, baby. I just want to party. It was like people got killed. There was like shootouts and shit. It was wild. But I think Tampa is like, Tampa is a wild place. Well, sure. But I'm just saying like there was like one main street, which is a lot of cities have that where it's like,

You know, in Austin, it's like 6th Street. It's like a lot of places just have the one main drag and that's where everybody goes. But Vegas, I mean, the main drag is the Strip, but there's like 40 casinos that people can get lost in. I think it's a great place. We went when it was in New York. That seemed to be fine. I went when it was in LA. I mean, of course, that's super duper local for a lot of people. The thing I'm noticing is that it seems like it's become... And maybe it's always been this and I just haven't picked up on it, but in this...

in this era we're in of like grant for the gram it seems like it's like are you going to the Super Bowl as if like it's it's more than just the game if you don't give a fuck about Super Bowl there's at least 30 parties to go to afterwards yeah that's the thing that I've noticed that's weirder in any other way is like I think the Super Bowl started on

on Monday for Las Vegas. There's been parties every day this week, and it's only leading up to Sunday. And then Sunday will be the grand...

and depression. Yeah, but I feel like people might even be fucking out of commission. I bet you that 5% of the people who are supposed to go to the Super Bowl for one reason or another aren't even going to fucking go. Could you imagine if you fucking got the like $6,000 ticket and you're just a

arrested yeah they're just handcuffed to a bed in the at the bunny ranch and they're like I missed it pizza pizza dude I promise you there's just a lot of shit going on leading up to it you might be too hung over or whatever like hot at the table or like whatever

You're just not even going to go. You're just not going. You're like, oh, wait. Oh, shit. The game's on. Like the party's going to be going and you're going to be like, am I really going to break this up and go to the fucking game? I don't know. Who knows? Five percent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that being said, Blake, I'm very bummed.

that I'm not going to be, you know, I'm obviously, I, I'm yeah. Our agent gave us, gave us tickets. That's how Blake got hooked up. And I know that they offer, he offered tickets to Ders and myself, and I'm bummed that I couldn't be there. Cause I know that the game is going to be great. I think it's going to be a really good game. And then beyond that, the parties and how much fun we would have after the game would be, and before the game and the,

day leading up to the game, it would be so much fun. Just sneak out. Usher and Usher the halftime? Usher, super halftime. Wow. I just know how hungover you're going to be. You're going to jerk off like 12 times standing up in that hotel room. You're going to jerk off. I might do it sitting down. I might do it sitting down. You're going to be standing up in that hotel room just cranking down, dude.

I do kind of want you to try sitting down just to like realize like, does it feel better? It's still, it's an option. I don't know if it's better for you, but it's an option. And I want you to know that it's an option. Well, I will say it's better than standing up like a fucking,

lunate what do you mean standing up that's what we found out adam had a bad back because he was sitting beating off so much that his back they're like well do you stand up or sit down hey that's that's that's the real stiff person hey yes boy hey wait hold on we got that yes points i feel like i feel like standing up is like a it's almost like guys can stand up to pee like

it's we can do it like i don't know if we know stand up we know like thank you i don't know if girls stand up in jo i feel like it's an honor they can to be a male and and stand up j no well very cool i mean well said no yeah couldn't have said it better myself it's not an honor no no how often do you think females jo standing up

Daily. If I know women, daily. If I know chicks the way I know that I do, never. Okay. So...

I'm embracing it. Yeah. So you're, you're, you stand up to jerk off solely because women can't. Oh, okay. All right. It seems like you're rubbing it in their faces. Yeah. I stand up to J. And that's one thing I don't want you to do is rub your J. Oh, in their faces. Yeah. Well,

Too late. Too late. This boy's disturbed, man. Too late. So, Blazer, do you know where these seats are? Are you in a box? Are you down out there? You're in a box. I know my boy's up in a box. Yeah, supposedly I'm in the box of maybe the Jacksonville Jaguar owner. Like, every owner gets a box, and I think I'm linking up with the Jags, dude, which I dig because... You guys know I Jag standing up? Their uniforms are off

that Jack's standing up. And their uniforms are pretty sick. So it's a Bay Area to Jacksonville connection in the box. So are you...

I mean, are you going to have to beef up on your Jacksonville Jaguar knowledge because you're going to meet the owner, so you feel like maybe you should have like... Yes. Who's their quarterback? Trevor Lawrence. Oh, yeah. I think Trevor Lawrence has the largest face I've ever seen in my life. It's massive. It's so big. Not in a bad way. It's not a bad looking face. I'm just like, that's a lot. He has a lot of face. It's long. It's wide. Yeah, it looks like the girl who's the witch in on...

Nightmare Before Christmas. That is not what I'm saying. No, but it's not bad. Not in a bad way. I love that character. Real sexy witch. It's cool. He looks great and he has great hair and he's the man. Other than that... Kind of like the mask from Saw. In a good way. In a really good way. In a really good way. In a really good way. I wonder if he's going to be... I wonder if you are a football player.

You go. I'm not. Well, I mean, do you go to the Super Bowl or do you go? I don't give a fuck. I'm not there. So I actively don't care about...

No, this goes back. We saw football players in New York when we went. I remember seeing Gronk and Gronk didn't play, right? Yeah, but Gronk's there to make money. He was like doing endorsement deals. Yeah, but I think they go to party. Maybe. This goes back to being in Las Vegas. You go. It's Las Vegas. Everyone goes. Everyone goes. It's like NBA All-Star weekend. It's green light. We go. Even though we're ballers, we go, right guys? Yeah.

We go, man. Let's go. I think All-Star Weekend is actually in Vegas this year for NBA, I believe. Let's go. Vegas is really starting to stake a claim. Reclaim.

Reclaim its identity. Vegas is really starting to now stake a claim. I'm saying it's saying like we are the hub. Like we are the fun. It's Las Vegas. I feel like it's been the hub. It's been the hub. Like the convention hub.

Hear me out. They got a football team. They're getting a baseball team. They have a hockey team. They're going to get an NBA team. They're saying, like, come here. Now that gambling is legal, they're like, just let's fucking kick it here. Yeah, it is the best. I haven't been in so damn long...

I went for a Green Day concert not too long ago, but then before that, it was like five plus years that I... Yeah, I'll be honest. I don't love Vegas. Like, I'm not a Vegas guy. I think it's healthy to not...

say like give yourself over to vegas because if you do it can be dangerous sure but i'm saying like perfect for what it is oh it's the best yeah i think for what because none of us are like real club guys and i think that's why we didn't like vegas when we were younger but now we're older dude so now we could go to like be a little older and like go to a dope dinner get drunk do some gambling and

maybe go to like, uh, one of those, like, uh, like really cool lounges that aren't like a, yeah, really cool strip club. One of those really cool, really cool. What is it called? Where like the, like, I don't know, like their clothes off, they dance. There's people that are like, not wearing all the clothes they should. It's, um,

It's like a bar. And then that's where you don't sit down ever. Yeah, Blake's standing up in the corner doing whatever he's doing. He's always standing up. Yeah, I guess I noticed that about you. Whenever we've been in a strip club together, you're always standing up. Yeah. With my hands in my pocket. That's with your friend. I want to give him a lap dance.

Can't. No lap. No lap to dance. Sorry, move on. Why's he got both his hands in his pocket? No, he doesn't sit down. You can jump on his back. He'll piggyback you. Move on, Serenity. Get on. Those, like, cool lounges that aren't a club. It's more of, like, you have, like, a dope dinner, and then it's, like, a cool...

upscale bar, I suppose. Yeah. I think Vegas is also diversified. They know that they want to have something for everybody. Yeah, you can really get in the mix, dude. Do whatever you want to do. That's what I meant to say. You can get in the mix. You can get in the mix. No, I think there's a little something for everybody in Vegas. Even football. Yeah, I just know that you can also get into a lot of weird shit in Vegas. What happens there stays there.

You can get into weird shit. Yeah, I guess you can. Yeah, I guess so. Fucking sure. And by weird, I mean lose a lot of money. I'm just not like, I don't like to gamble. Is that what you meant by weird? I don't think you know how that joke form works. You don't like to gamble? Not even like a little bit...

Like what we did when we were in Philly and we were at the Parks Casino. In Philly. Ben Salem. We're in beautiful Ben Salem.

You don't even like to gamble with just a few hundred bucks, play some blackjack, that kind of thing? Not really. Dude, I like it. I also like to throw some craps around, throw some dice. But you go in thinking you're going to win. I go in knowing I'm going to lose, and then we all end up losing. I go in knowing I'm going to lose, and I'm just like, how long can I fucking string this along? Me too. But what's so fun about going in like, yo, I'm about to lose...

fucking all the money I just took out of this ATM. Because the drinks are free. Yeah, the drinks are free and you're doing this shit. And you're shouting. No, they're not free. They cost as much money as you just took out. They're actually more expensive than normal. Just because you get to play. No, that's not how reality works. They're not more expensive than normal. You are the target audience for a casino because you're like, oh, I'm getting free beers, but really you're dropping fucking five, six, seven hundred dollars at a blackjack table.

But also I couldn't be winning or I'm losing. So like if I'm winning, great. But I'm also losing and paying to be playing. Yeah. Like the entertainment, I pay for the entertainment of playing and then the drinks are free. I understand the concept.

It's like how you know weird things happen in Vegas. I understand. Playing blackjack isn't that fun. I'd rather play fucking Mario Brothers. That's a little more stimulating than playing blackjack. I'm sure they have that. They do. If they do, I would love to go to a casino where I could play Mario for a thousand bucks and I bet I would...

I bet I would fucking... You can play the Maloof Brothers. I don't think that they have Mario, but they actually do have video games that you can gamble on in Vegas. Where is it? They have the video game lounges. They're all over. I think all the main casinos have it. Now he's listening. Well, if it's like Modern Warfare, I don't know if I could hang, but if they have Contra...

I think I could make some money. Like, sign me up. Or Bibble Bobble or Balloon Fight. I'm really good at those games. I don't know if they have Balloon Fight. Balloon Fight? Is that on your radar, Adam? I don't think they have Contra or Balloon Fight. But yeah, I'm not sure about Balloon Fight. I don't know. Okay, let's go.

Right.

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What I want to do in Vegas is I want to go. I've never gone and just sat there and like during March and jerked off and I've never gone and just watched.

like March Madness and gone like during March Madness. I think that would be very fun. And just watching games at one of those giant bars. Yeah. Yeah. One of those sports books and you just go with your buddies and put money on all the games. So it's like, you know, it's extra exciting and then just sit there and get drunk and sit there all day long. Isn't, isn't there a place called Sportsbook? I think my homie's a bartender there. A guy I went to high school with. Oh, well, every casino has a sports book. That's what it's called. Oh, yeah.

I think there's a place called Sportsbook where like it's a rooftop outdoor bar with a giant fucking TV. Oh my. Don't mind if I do. If that's the one like with the pool, I feel like they like, yeah. It's like off the strip. It's a little down the road. Anyway. I'll put my feelers out. You should check it out.

I'll put you in touch. Well, I'm excited for you, Blake. I hope as we're speaking, my team won. I hope they have contracts. I personally hope your team doesn't win. Doesn't win. Yeah, why is that? Well, my family, we're Midwestern and they all are huge Kansas City fans. So, you know. You guys already won a bunch, man. Just give me this one. So is the 49ers, dude. They've also won a fucking.

time. That was so long ago. I was just a baby when that happened. But weren't they just there and lost it? Yeah. Yeah, they've lost very recently several times, dude. Come on. So that's what they do. Let us get over the hump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I understand. And that's why I'm like, if the Chiefs lose...

sick my boy Blake is having a fucking awesome time in Vegas so I'm not that mad at it but but I think it's cool that they have such a dynasty the Kent City Chiefs so I think it's pretty rad it's special it's to be respected I do like watching Chris and McCaffrey play yes CMC he's the man in those pants is that what you're saying that dude as the kids say he got a cheat code

Absolutely. What are you saying, in those pants or what? I don't even know what that means. Yeah! Do you like just watch him play in those pants? You like football pants? In those tight football pants or what? What do you mean? Do you like football pants? I like watching him play football. Okay. Okay. In those pants.

Yeah. Yeah. He's wearing pants. I like. Okay. He is wearing pants, right? Oh, I'm saying. Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry. I thought, I wasn't sure what you were saying. Yeah. Yeah, but. I do, I do like seeing him play in those pants. Oh, cute. I know, I know my boy Durrs, when he says things like that, I feel he's a little, a little disturbed. You're right. Oh, wait. Is he?

Because when I see Christian McCaffrey come on screen in those pants, it's like... Wait, I... There we go. Damn, that was not an alley-oop, dude. That was a long way to go, but I will have my finger ready. I feel like when you watch him, you know... Here's my thing. When I watch him play, he's so fucking fast, his legs are moving so quickly, and he's cutting left and right, that you go, yeah, that makes sense. But when I watch Travis Kelsey...

I don't understand how he's always in the right place at the right time. He doesn't seem like especially quick or like that he makes these crazy cuts. He just seems like he gets to where the ball's going to go and he brings it down. I mean, it's some of outrageously poop dollar. What is the wild catches in the last game? But I'm always like, that's Travis. He doesn't seem that.

Well, he's a tight end. Tight ends, they're not wide receivers. They don't have the quickness. They're just big freaking hulks. He's just a giant. What was Terrell Owens? He was a wide receiver. Yeah, and isn't he fucking fast as fuck and cutting people? Yeah, dude. Wide receivers are insane. That's like Jerry Rice. Wait, sorry. What's Travis Kelsey? Tight end. Tight end. So when they aren't catching the ball, they're blocking. So they have to be like,

really big dudes. Right. But when they do catch the ball and if they're athletic, then all of a sudden it's like a tank running down the field. Copy that. And it was my boy, Tony Gonzalez, that kind of changed the modern day tight end. Correct. There we go. That's Kansas city, right? Yeah. It was a Kansas city chief.

Tony Gonzalez, who I did that Amazon commercial with super nice guy, great skin. And he still looks like he could play football. The guy's like still just jagged, like did not let himself go. So, so, and I was right next to him standing the entire time. Um,

But yeah, so he kind of changed what the modern day tight end is like a little more athletic than what they used to be. Much like the Gronkinator. And then now we got Travis Kelsey. Oh, yeah. Big Gronk. Yeah. Big guys. Gronk at least would like fake. He'd like make cuts. He'd make you seem like he's a little more athletic.

I think so. He seemed like he was... I mean, he's so big that you don't realize how fast he is. Yeah. You just want to see him standing there in his pants. I'd rather see him sitting down, honestly. I'd love to see what he could do sitting down. I feel like he could do a lot sitting down. Just like...

Just like my homies. So why can't you? I've got family coming in town and Chloe's giving birth next week. That's why I'm not going to the Super Bowl. Durs, you just have family stuff? Emma's going skiing. I'm with the kids all weekend. There we go. Dad points. Do you think you get dad points by taking them to Vegas? Yeah. You stay at a kid-friendly hotel. The Circus Circus. Yeah. I feel like it can be fun. Why?

You pay the waiter to watch them in the pool. Give them a bucket of quarters. Yeah. Yeah. You give them a bucket of quarters and say, hit the arcade. Yeah. Which, by the way, this is what my parents used to do. Yeah, wait. The first casino you ever went to, was it with your parents, right? Yes. And it was the, what's the, like, Aladdin's Castle one? The one that is like...

In Vegas. In Vegas. You went to Vegas. That was your first casino experience. Yeah, I think so. Like, I was like 14 or 13, however old. That's sick. Damn. And we stayed at... What's the one that like the dragon comes out and breathes fire? Excalibur. Excalibur. We stayed there, by the way. Yeah. Fucking place rocks. It doesn't, dude. It doesn't.

It doesn't. It's reeks. Hilarious. It reeks of mold. It's pretty bad. Yeah. Is it still there? I love that it's so bad. That's what I love about it. Yeah, it's so bad. They're going to tear it down soon, right? They have to. If it's not already gone. And then they were like, hey, we'll take you to Circus Circus. That'll be fun. And then we go to Circus Circus. Pizza, pizza. And then they, I mean, they're not like degenerate gamblers, but they're in Vegas, so they're going to want to gamble a little bit. And then they just gave us quarters and we just sat.

At the shitty arcade at Circus Circus and played video games. Time Crisis. Blake, did your parents take you to Vegas? This is not on my childhood. No, I didn't go to Vegas. I think my parents were cheap and they got like a... It was like a discounted tickets and hotel room stay. Because you can... They do give great discounts. That being said...

Don't take your children to Vegas. Especially if your kid is like 13, 14. I was so horny. I do like the idea of me sending my kids to the slot machine and then they're at Tao just fucking holding it down in a cabana. Yeah, they probably could, dude. They're so jacked, they'd probably do well. They're ripped. They're shredded. The first time I ever went to Vegas was I think it was my 18th birthday.

And my dad and my stepmom, they took me to see the Blue Man Group, and that shit was off the fucking hook, dude. We went to Vegas once with you and your dad. Was that your 21st birthday? That was my 21st, and the wheels really came off. That shit was fun, too. And then we—I remember, for whatever reasons I look back, it must have been kind of cold there.

Because I was like wearing a cardigan. And I, by the way, hate cardigans. Yeah. Never wore them. And for whatever reason. It was the era. This Vegas trip, I'm wearing a goddamn cardigan. I think we were all like tried to dress as cool as we could. And you somehow found a cardigan somewhere. And you're like, I think this is what's trending right now. Yeah. I think we tried to like age up.

like ourselves to be like, not just like, cause we look like children when we were 21. Oh my God. Not Kyle. Kyle always looked like a 38 year old divorced dad, but yeah, but we look like kids. And, uh, and I think that was my way of looking a little older.

It's like, yo, Mr. Rogers. If you told me Blake was wearing a fedora during this time, I would believe that. I wasn't, but I was definitely wearing like a black t-shirt that had like fake jewelry like on it. I'll, I'll,

Like the necklace print or whatever? Yes, yes. I'll post it. That's cool. I have a lot of photos. It's my 21st birthday, so I have those photos. But I went there before that. I went for my 18th birthday. I saw Blue Man Group, and I think I saw David Copperfield too, which was fucking off the chain, dude.

Say less. See, that's what I'm saying. By the way, I want to do... In what movie was it that... Was it Superbad? Not Superbad. Was it Knocked Up? This is 40. This is 40. Where they go and... This is 40 and they go and do... Maybe it is Knocked Up. Yeah, they go and do Mushrooms and then see Cirque du Soleil. I'm like, that to me sounds like an absolute wonderful movie.

day in Vegas. Can you watch the Super Bowl at this new sphere thing? I gotta go to the sphere. Can you watch the Super Bowl? Are they gonna air it? That would be brilliant. I don't think that is what is happening, but that would be absolutely brilliant. But also, I don't know, what would it be like watching a football game in a

like dome form. Awesome. Well, dude, it would be, it'd be like you're at the game. It would be great. It would be fucking phenomenal. Yeah. I feel like you might want to throw up too though. They would sort it out. Well, you're not watching it. Like it's, you're not like hovering above. It'll be like the game is happening here. And then,

No, it'd be all around you. When you watch football, it's straight ahead. It would be 360. I guess what I would trust the people who develop the way you watch things to do it right. Not year one. Not year one. What do you mean? People have been going. They've said it's off the fucking chain. It does look cool. But they're not ready to pipe in the Super Bowl. Maybe year five they'll be ready. Listen to me.

All they have to do is just broadcast it as a big-ass TV and have the rest be black. It can be the sky. It can be whatever. Well, then why would you want to be in there? That place seems like it sucks. You're trapped in a fucking... Because you're with 20,000 people watching a game, drinking, and kicking it? It doesn't sound bad. That's literally every casino, like a sports room. But it's so much bigger, dude. I'm out. It's not...

It's not. It's the sphere, and you're with the 5,000 other people, however many people fit in this goddamn sphere. Look, just because you're actually going to the game doesn't shit up the idea. Fuck you. You can come too. Come on, bring the boys. Let's go. No, dude. You can't bring the boys. Let's go. I wanted to take them to a monster truck rally, but it's next weekend. Goddamn.

What the hell? Let's go. I think it was this past weekend, uh, down here in Anaheim. It was the past and it's the next. That's what got my, I was like, Oh, it's probably a couple of weekends. And, uh, I was wrong. Um,

What else? What else? What else? What else to talk about? I'm pissed. Blake refuses to tell us his mystery. No, wait. Actually, I have something I'd like to bring up. Did you know that they are discontinuing? Discontinuing. Fruit Stripe gum? Nope. Do you guys have any tips? Any tips? Any apologies?

Dude, any take that. I think we can even skip it. I'll see you guys around. Blake, have a good time. Blake, I mean, yeah, that gum sucks and it probably shouldn't. No, no, no, no. It is...

what it is in terms of flavor, but I feel like it means something to me. I feel like it means something to me. I think this is a PR stunt. Oh. I think they're saying it's over and they're just going to bring it back. With flavor? So people like Blake are like, it means something to me. That doesn't...

gum. It does. Remember when they were like, we're closing Nate Nows. Isn't that shit back open? And everyone was writing these diatribes on Instagram about the first meeting I ever took about being a writer was at Nate Nows.

Well, that's a classic American Los Angeles diner, right? Nate? Now. Yes, yes, yes, yes. This is a gum. And I would say the fruit stripe gum is a quintessential gum for children across the country. Fruit stripe gum. No juicy fruit. I think it's worldwide.

You take juicy fruit over fruit striped gum? Fruit stripe was the one with like little zebras on it and shit. The zebra was cool. Yes, and tattoos and tattoos, like temporary tattoos. It doesn't mean anything to me. And it was bigger. You got way more pieces. I honestly want to say the first thing I ever bought with my own money was a pack of fruit striped gum.

Now, if you were to tell me that they're discontinuing... What's a fruit stripe gun? Gun? Gun?

If you were to tell me that they're discontinuing now and laters, then they would do something to me. But fruit, stripe, gum. Now and laters? Yeah, but they wouldn't discontinue now and laters. No, now and laters aren't that good. I agree. I actually hate now and laters. Yeah, they're too hard. I'm like, this is going to be livening in my teeth. I can't get this out.

Because you save it for later. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, fair enough. You have some now, and then some of it gets stuck in your teeth, and that's the later. When they're too hard, they're kind of sharp, too, when they're hard. Yeah, stiff, man. And can we chop that sound bite? Because I need that for the board. When I'm too hard. Yeah, I just...

I don't know. You need another four inches. Remember when you would suck the Jolly Rancher? The flat, long Jolly Rancher? You could suck it into a shank. Oh, dude. And can I get that for the board? Everything that you would slob into a shank as it came. And can...

Can I get that for the board? The Jolly Ranch, the big flat Jolly Rancher, you could just suck it in a way. Dude. Dude. That you could turn into a sharp ass shank. Or like a candy cane when you would just deep throat it and then slob on it until it would get into a shank. Oh.

Or like a raw kielbasa. And you would just kind of nibble on the tip a little bit. Right. And just sort of like tease the tip of it. Now, we were talking candy, dude. You get all sexual with it. Are you trying? I don't know. I feel like you're trying to do a joke or something. We're talking about candy. It's not all about bits here, okay? All right.

you brought up the gum can you tell us the tale of rumplestiltskin right quick you wish bitch no no we gotta do derz's um uh kids story corner huns christian unders stories yeah what do you got dude you got something man humpty dumpty what do we got bro hit us with it did he write the little mermaid it's possible thank you i think i think you might have yeah

classic damn class i would love to hear that shit hans christian anderson is that right christian anderson he's got some bangers dude that guy knew what was up i got a 500 page book of hans christian anderson uh stories i remember when you bought that yeah no sir i don't like it i bought it in college but i love you no adam bought it for you no i remember you at least having that when we were like young and you were like i have this 500 page book and i was like

He carries it around all the time. He's a fucking weirdo, dude. I was like, how many pages? Ew! It keeps windows propped open. It's thick enough to keep a window open, let a breeze in. Yeah, it's your doorstop. This dude would pull up to Second City with the fucking Hans Christian Andersen book like, have you heard the tale of Rumpelstiltskin? But what's crazy is I only read it standing up. All of his references are Goldilocks and Rumpelstiltskin. Mm-hmm.

He does have hella bangers though. You're like, oh, that's him. You think it was all the same guy? All of Dershowitz's improv beats were, I'm gonna huff and puff and blow this door down. We're like, oh, well, we're in a doctor's office, but oh, alright. Crossbows and mustaches is actually Hans and Fritz, the fucking...

The first season of Workaholics was too cold. The second season was too hot. The third was just right. And then four, five, six, seven. Dude, I'm reading like the list of things. Oh, the Emperor's New Clothes. We all know that. Oh, that one's actually really cool. That's where he just has public nudity. Yeah, he's all butt naked. That's when you just turn on CNN and they're all like, it's just the Emperor's New Clothes. All right. That's Drake.

Oh, topical. Hold up. Any take backs, apologies, any epic slams, boys? Oh, man. Hey, I just want to take back anything I said that made Blake feel uncomfortable about usually jacking off standing up. I think it's cool for you. It's not necessarily what I prefer. Yeah, I also was going to bring that up. And it's not like I've never done it. I've definitely done it. But I think I can count on...

on one hand how many times we've all done it it's weird how Blake was so kind of standoffish and defensive about how much he's done it or like where he does it usually we're all very open and honest and it's cool and I'm sure I'm

I won't give flowers because we don't do that. But I think it is... I would like to pay my respects to Blake for keeping some things for himself and having secrets. And just to kind of... The princess and the pea? Yeah. And just to kind of build off what you guys are talking about, like, fruit stripe gum, man. I'm going to miss you, man. All right. Yeah, we can end it there. All right. And that's another episode of...

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