The Best of Eps 6-10 And Next Week We’re Baaaaaaaack
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I want to know what a baby is about to be, and I'm going to get fucked. Get nude. Show us your wee-wahs and your hoo-hoos. I want to suck your dingleberries. At the sound of the moan, it will be 430 sacks. Let's go. Back on game shows when they'd be like, when you're making whoopee with your wife. They just couldn't stop talking about making whoopee. Yeah, and that was the fun game of just how many times you could say whoopee.

What's the strangest place you made whoopie with your wife? And they'd be like, in the butt. And then now on game shows, it's what's the strangest place you were pounding your wife out? Whap, whap, whap. Whap, whap, whap. Yeah, the craziest place she ever sucked your dingle dangle. Ha ha ha!

It would be cool if it was holographic but still didn't say the words. Where's the craziest place you wrap rubber bands around the ta-ta-tas and then snap the bangle bangs with the pliers? I heard. Your husband's so crazy. How crazy is he? He likes to get his weep-woop stomped on with high heels.

I heard your husband was so wacky, he likes to get shit on. Right on the chest. You can say that. Right on the wee-hoo. In his mouth. That's okay. He likes to brush his teeth with poo-poo. And after you're done, you save the cum and wash your whoopee-woppee.

You might be a redneck. Here's your sign. This is important. And we're talking Moonrock as in Ecstasy, correct, Molly? Yes, I'm talking the pen that you lick the tip. Oh my God, Moonrock. You just suck on it. You suck on the pen. Hey, why is Blake chewing on his pencil in class? You know why.

Oh my god. Then you just start giving your buddies back massages. I mean, that was par for the course though. Yeah, you guys... Molly is the weirdest drug because there's a period of my life in my mid-twenties when

A lot of my friends down here in Orange County were deep into Molly. And I'd come down and they'd just be like, we're all doing Molly tonight. And I'd like have a show or whatever and then come over to their house afterwards. And then would see them already just hopped up on this stuff. Gakin'. And it's the weirdest drug because it's just like, you're just like, dude, put your nipples in the freezer for a minute. It feels so good. And you're like, no, you look like a fucking asshole. And then you do it and you're like, he's right.

He had a point. He did have a point. I should freeze my nipples. My nipples are way too hot. The one and only time I did Moonrock was when we rented that house in Newport, Adam. Hello. Oh, I remember that. The sand between our toes. All the grandulars of the sand. The night was so fantastic. Was this just a getaway with you guys? Yeah, was this a two-man ditty? What the fuck? Yeah, just me and Kyle rented a place.

Fucked for a week. Right, right, right. No, it was over 4th of July, so we rented a place down there and then just... It was when we did the huge season of Workaholics and we had one week off in between writing and shooting and we just went down there and fucked and did Moonrock and like... Let's spread the rumor that we fucked a lot. Yeah, well... Yeah, baby! Yeah, rumor. Rumor? Okay. Oh, there it is.

Randy. You may have heard, but there is a huge new addition to the show. Let's hear it again for the fans at home. Yeah, what do we got? Yeah, baby. There it is. And maybe a little, all righty then.

Oh, wow! Folks, we have upgraded the sound system. We have entered the soundboard realm. I'm so glad you did it. I've been a little busy, but kudos, my friend. Yeah, I don't have much to do, and there are only two sounds, so... Yeah, baby!

I legit thought it was your impression of Austin Powers the first time I heard it. He's that good. Yeah, well, I guess I could just go, yeah, baby, after things he's saying. Was that the soundboard? Was that the soundboard or was that you? Hello. Yeah, baby.

You guys checking out The Vow? I haven't checked out The Vow yet. No, not The Vow. What's that now? What? Anybody? The Vow? Anybody? The NXIVM sex cult documentary? Oh, no, but I want to. That's cool. Oh, okay. And how do you pronounce it? Because I'm like... NXIVM. NXIVM.

And this is the one where they all got the same tattoos, those central tattoos. It's a brand. Oh, it's a brand. It's a brand. Oh, so it's like Yellowstone. It's crazy. The leader looks just like Jared Leto. Like, he's fucking sexy. Now I'm watching. All righty then. So that means you like Jared Leto. I do like Jared Leto. Yes, I do. I think he's a... What's your favorite version of Leto? I don't know.

I know mine. I liked him just after Dallas Buyers Club when he got his award and he had the long hair, kind of like I look like right now with the ombre. Kind of look exactly like you. No, no. I got the number one look. Maybe Blake has the same thought here. Panic Room with the cornrows. Give me, give me. Oh, God damn. Give me, give me, give me.

I have it on good authority that Jared Leto, bad dick. He's a bad dick.

He's got the bad dick. Oh, hey, wait, I got one for that. I am so glad that I'm able to control my penis now. Wait, what is this rumor? Bad dick? He's got it. He doesn't. It's not a small dick. It's not a big dick. It's just he gives bad dick. Who cares? Oh, so I know a girl that slept with Jared Leto. Oh, allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. And she told me bad dick.

He's got the bad dick. That is subjective as fuck. Yeah, hold on. What if it was a bad night out or was this multiple encounters? Right. Give the guy a break. Well, for sure. One person. Come on. And that makes me believe that my dick has been called a bad dick as well. I'm sure we've all had bad outings. I'm sure we've all had our bouts of bad dick. Numerous times.

Oh, yeah. I'm willing to put it on record. I like to believe that he can't have everything. Every showing from Jared Leto is just a hot whimper. He's a selfish lover. I'm not going to give that to you, buddy. You think he just lays there? Not giving it to you. Obviously, the woman was not the right woman. Yeah. He's not throwing it down. Obviously, the woman was not the right woman, Adam. Wow. So you're blaming the woman. Strong. So you're blaming the woman, Kyle? Yeah.

I'm just putting it out there. I'm not blaming any. Strong. I'm just putting it out there. It takes two to fuck. You're on timeout.

I've got a hair trigger, baby, and I will start donkey kicking fools. That's my main move. I did hear that the actual true defense to fighting a mountain lion or a cat like that is you are supposed to... Fuck it. Well, you can try that. That's what they want. That's why they're out there. But you're supposed to stick your fist down.

Down their mouth. Really? No, no. You're supposed to stick your fist into their mouth and then grab inside their tummy and mess it all up. See, now, that's crazy cool. I would love to do that. That sounds amazing. I am so serious. You're saying it with the... I know, you're saying it with a straight face and this doesn't seem like your style of comedy, but... This is the thing, because when you get your fist...

into their open mouth, they can't close it anymore, and you're supposed to just keep pushing as far down into the belly of the beast as you can, and then start to... What? Let me just defend Blake here, because he's our dumbest friend. No, that is real. That is real. That is the true defense if you're being attacked by a mountain lion. It can break your arms.

No, you just got to push. We were filming Workaholics, right? And I got attacked by that Malinois. And for people at home who don't know what a Malinois is, they're smarter German shepherds. Right. That was a big dog. Right? They're like super intelligent dogs. And they're the size of a German shepherd. And he was biting on my arm, but I had like a pad thing under my shirt.

And I was like, wow, like if you really grabbed on, that hurts. And the guy goes, oh yeah, he could snap through your arm like fucking cottage cheese or whatever he uses as a metaphor. If you shove your fist down a mountain lion's throat... You're winning the fight. It...

You're losing your hand. You're winning the no-hand contest. They can't bite up to that point. Okay, well, I just Googled. I did a quick Google, and a hunter shoves his arm down grizzly bear's throat to stave off attack. I'm telling you, dude, when it gets to the point where there's a beast on top of you biting, your best bet is to shove your arm down their throat.

Because what? Are you gagging it so it's like when you barf and your jaw just goes like unhinged? Yeah, and the point when you have something too large in your mouth, like in your jaw is too extended, you lose the ability to bite down at that point. Sure, but I mean, it'll back away from you. No, man. They're on you. Oh, it won't? It can't. There's a... Nah. It can't go backwards in this scenario? No. No. Because it's all... You fucked with its inner ear. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Well, did you hear what Blake said, though? Blake, I'm on your team right now. Thanks, buddy. You grab the inside. So how's it going to back away when you're grabbing its throat? Oh, you have the uvula in your grasp? No, you're past the uvula, player. You're like grabbing the stomach and shit. That's how deep you have to go. You're grabbing its dick from the inside. So you are trying to fuck it. Okay. After it's all said and done, yeah. Right. Yes.

This is important. Hey, speaking of fucking animals, I did hear at the dog park once when I went there that if like a pit bull does attack you or if like how to get the pit bull off of your dog, if they're attacking, you can't reach in and grab the jaw and just like separate them. That's not going to happen. What you do have to do, you do, you have to put your finger in its asshole. Oh my God. Like that's the way to get it to stop.

You do. Dude, when it gets down to those situations. Think about it. What else are you going to do? I was going to say, like, do that with the bobcat too. So reach in with one hand, grab the dick from the inside, and then reach underneath and throw your finger up the butthole. And now, like, what's that bobcat actually going to do? It's not backing up. It ain't backing up. I started it. It ain't backing up now.

Are you doing like, what do they call it? A Chinese finger trap or whatever to a wild animal? Yeah, one finger in the mouth and one finger in the butt. Dude, yeah. How did Kyle die? Well, it was 5 a.m. He was doing some night hiking. Yeah. It was dark. He was frog hunting. Yeah, he found a frog. We got the call at 3.30. And he fingered a bobcat's asshole. But for real. This is making me want to start up a website with just...

the wrong answers to general questions. I feel like that's what our podcast is evolving into, is guys who could easily Google answers, but instead... Well, I did Google, and you are... This has worked before. I don't think it's the best...

It's worst case scenario. Which one, the butthole? Not the butthole. There's no... I haven't found anything about buttholes. I think that's just you want to finger animals' buttholes. The butthole is weird. No, that's a pit bull specific thing, I guess. Yeah, I guess, maybe. What about grabbing its nuts? Right? Well, what if it's not a boy? You say, no. Then you know what you do. You do the two in the pink. Is that... How's it go? Yes, the...

I feel like I would choke it out, right? Wouldn't you choke it out? Here's the thing about that. If it's a pit bull, it ain't happening because their fucking necks are all muscle. And if it's a Chinese Shar-Pei, the skin is so loose and slippery, you just can't get a handle on it. I could choke out a pit bull. Oh.

I also recall another way to disengage. You try to stab them in the eyes as well. Oh, take out their eyesight. Yeah. But they have great smells. Yeah. I don't know. And beautiful eyes. It'd be such a crime. That's why you have to shit yourself and then quickly discard your pants. Either way, it's not pretty. That's smart. Actually, taking a shit or farting on them probably will get them to go away. Oh, they're so grossed out. They just run away. All right.

No, they love that. Yeah, they're like, that's a weird-ass smell. Why do dogs love farts so much? Like, you fart, a dog will just bury his face into your asshole. They get it, man. Hell yeah, they do. They get it. They get it. They love the stink. They're like, ooh, I know what you had for lunch. Dogs rock.

Sex is your equipment, right? Sex is your equipment. It's what you got. Gender is how you identify as a, you're like, I'm a guy. And it's like, you could have a vagina, but you're like, I'm a guy. Oh, okay. Is there like something, cause this baby is still being born. Like it's still, you know, being made and it can't identify as anything, but it's sex, right? It's being cooked in the baby oven. Here we go. Yes, Kyle.

I'm just, I'm just curious. I'm walking down the path, just like the man over there. This baby cannot be like, Oh, you know what? Sorry. I'm not a pink girl. I am actually a boy. Yes. I want to, I want my color to be blue out there. Uh, I know, but the people doing this are fucking, they don't care.

Okay. They're baking blue cakes. They don't care. And also it's not up to the baby until they start to talk. They don't get us decide which colors they want on the cakes. That's just what I'm saying. But the point is it's got a dick or a vagina or both. That's what the thing is revealing that it's got that. And then there's a whole nother reveal down the line. When they're old enough to decide what they actually want to reveal themselves as.

Or not even old enough, but when they actually have the... When they figure it out. Yeah. Two and a half. Two and a half. Nobody cares, by the way. Nobody cares. It's insane. No. Just...

Just have your baby. Just have the baby. Just have it. If you guys had another kid and had a gender reveal, I'd come just to kick it with you guys until you crawl into your six-month baby hole. That's the only way I drink now. I don't drink unless some sex is getting revealed. Do you feel me? That's your revealing sex. Oh, dude, that's dope. Yeah. I want to know what a baby is about to be, and I'm going to get

fucked up. That's what's up. I'll drink to that. Okay. You know there's some weird pervy Hollywood Hills sex party so they're like, uh-oh, sex reveal. Conspiracy theories. And then they just pull a curtain back. It's just two people going at it. They just whip a dude's diaper off. Yeah, that's exactly. Time to reveal the sex, everybody. Get nude. They have somebody in like a big smock and they just tear it off.

Oh boy, Hollywood. Get nude. Show us your wee-wahs and your hoo-hoos. I want to suck your dingleberries. Oh, that's poo-poo. Sorry, sorry. That's poo-poo. Wow. That was my bad. Kyle. I mean, it's just, you know. You're turning me on. My bad. My good. Save take back for later. Oh, my bad. Sorry I said suck your dingleberries. Okay.

I was a TLC boy, honestly. For sure. That was a little before. Was it? Yeah. Were you crazy, sexy, or cool? Crazy, sexy, cool. I used to wonder that too. Who was crazy? Who was sexy? Who was cool? Well, we know, but as far as you guys go, guys, welcome to This is Important. My question today is, are you crazy, sexy, or cool? Oh, dog. I'm crazy.

Yeah, you are crazy. Yeah, I'm full-blown crazy. Therapist for seven years, battling off demons. Crazy was definitely left eye, correct? Because she was kind of like psycho, burned her dude's house down, which was sick. And cool was T-Boz, and sexy was... Wasn't her name Chili? Chili.

Chili was sexy. Yeah. I think you're cool, Blake. I think that's what you are, dog. Yeah. You're T-Boz for sure. Thank you. Chili. Oh, my God. And Durs, are you sexy? What are you? Durs is sexy. I see his love on Instagram. Chicks want to see this dude. And dudes want to see this dude. I get a lot of dudes. How come you haven't done any hardcore sex scenes?

Haven't I? In a movie. He kind of has. He kind of had hot sauce up his butt. Oh, that's right. Butt rammed by a thing of hot sauce. Yeah, I remember that. I liked that scene. Thought it was really good. Oh, did I tell you guys that I ran into De Niro backstage at the Critics' Choice Awards this past year, pre-COVID? Yeah. Oh, were you nominated? No, I was presenting. Oh, bummer. Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!

But it was like De Niro comes backstage and I know him from the intern and I like had a meeting with him and we talked for like two hours in his office one time and he comes backstage and I go, how are you doing, Bob? And he just looks at me with no recollection. And I didn't even, I should have just gave him the olive branch of going like, it's me, Adam from the intern. But I didn't. I just like held my ground and we stared at each other for like

He could have like quickly been like, oh, hey, how you doing? And kept it moving. But he stared at me for 10 seconds waiting for me to go, it's Adam from the movie The Intern. And I didn't. And I just sort of, we just locked eyes. And for like 10 seconds. And Chloe's just grabbing my arm harder and harder being like, what the fuck is going on? Whoa. And then he just goes.

And then walked away. Okay. Can I ask you a question about that? Yeah. Why didn't you say it? Was that like, uh, what, what was going on where you're like, I could have, I could say who I am and remind this older gentleman who I am. Yeah. Why didn't you? Uh,

Because we were just so locked in the moment. And I kind of wanted to see if he would remember without any help. Okay. He does like six movies a year, though. And he's 70-whatever. I know. And in hindsight, I wish I would have just gone, hey, Bob, I'm Adam. It's Adam, Onder's friend from Intern. From the Intern. Onder's friend from the Intern. Right. And he goes, oh!

Drable? Zach Perlman. Zach Perlman's acting partner. Jason Orley's scene partner. Perlman's stunt double. Anders, yeah, looks like Perlman in the flick. Almost exact same look. Adam, to be fair, I planned for that run-in. I carry around the glasses I wore in the intern wherever I go just to put them on and then I go, Bobby D, mucho dinero. I was waiting for a glimmer of like,

Oh, oh, okay, yeah, yeah. None of it. And actually, I mean, like, I almost felt like he respected that I didn't tell him. He was just like, okay. Well, yeah, he had no idea who you were, so it was just a weird run-in with a guy. He was like, huh, that's cool. All he was thinking there was, I'm glad he didn't ask for a picture. Yeah. Cool, cool interaction. This prick called me Bob and then just stood there. Okay. Bob.

No picture, though. We're good to go. I love his videos where he's like, I'm going to talk about Trump. He's like, I'm going to punch him in the fucking face. I'm going to punch him. I'm going to find him. I'm going to just beat his ass. Well, they're like the same age. So I would put my money on De Niro. I don't know. I don't know. But Trump's heavy. Trump's a bigger dude. He's a big man. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, I don't know. Trump's like 6'2", right? And he's fucking...

Wide bootied. That's how I'm going to look. I'm just going to balloon from the back. The low center. I'm just going to have to walk all hunched forward because my ass is too heavy. It's a counterbalance. It's pulling me backwards. When are we going to leak those nudes, baby? The skin sack of Trump nudes. Oh, somebody's got to have those nudes up there. Just some like...

you know, just big-titted hooker that he hooked up with in Russia. Allegedly. Did I do that? Took photos of his nutsack when he was sleeping.

I'm trying to see those. Why don't we just start our own business instead of franchise something? Why don't we just come up with our own menu that's off the charts? That's hard. Because it's Raising Cane's that already exists. It's Raising Cane's. It's already there. We love it. That's like jumping onto a franchise. I mean, it is jumping onto a franchise. That's what he just said. Yeah, it's literally what it is. Are you Kyling us? I'm Kyling you.

I'm just asking the question. I just like original stuff. I'm pissed now. Hey, Kyle, and that's a good point. But see, you're a vegetarian, so we're never going to agree on what should be the main thing. But he's going to bring the toast thunder. Wet noodles. Yeah, I can bring the thunder in other places. Like, you're not going to think about what I think about because you guys are all going to be thinking about this.

the meats, and I'm going to be handling the rest. No, because here's the thing. We eat vegetables too. I know a good cucumber. You know a good cucumber. I know a good cucumber. Difference is you don't know the chicken. Yeah, you don't know vegetables more than I know vegetables. I got some bomb-ass cucumbers growing in my backyard right now, dude. I'm fixing to have about 50 of them. I bet you do. But the thing is, is

I partake in everything. You only partake in a small section of food. Get him. He eats all the food. It's a pretty big section. I just don't eat, what, the meat, which is like three or four or five things? Turkey, pork, beef? We're opening a chicken shack, dude.

How many meats are there? Lamb. More than hundreds. Hundreds of meat. No, how many meats are there? There's chicken. Slugs. There's pork. Mollusk. Venison. Cow. There's beef. What are you talking about? Any type of animal is a meat. Any animal. Where's the beef? Yeah, but how many is there? Like 10? 15 of them? There's way more. Every

animal every animal there's rhino a wild dog every animal is a meat bear you eat rhino have i ever eaten rhino are you asking if i so you're saying we're gonna start i'm asking if we're gonna start a franchise that involves rhino well that would be a problem that is very scarce hey i'm saying well it's got i think that would be hard to get that that's gonna be highly legal

Save the rhino. Like, is that what we're going to do? I don't think that's what we're going to do. All I'm saying is you just don't discount me because I don't have that part. I got other taste buds. My taste buds still motherfucking work. All I'm saying is you got to go to a Raising Cane's before you shut this idea down. You're saying no to Raising Cane's, motherfucker.

you haven't tried their texas toast i didn't say no i laterally was just like what if we started our own thing yeah i know and look maybe just try the skin you eat the skin you can eat the skin off the chicken huh i'm not eating the fucking skin bro dude eat the skin that's not even the meat that's just the skin no way dude nah that's all right thank you though i dare you hey thank you though here what about just going full skin

Thank you, though. Okay, so let's open up. You want to open a restaurant. It would just be what? Cucumbers? What would it be? I make a bomb-ass salad, dude. I'm telling you, salads are off the charts. Well, Chop Shop exists. Yo, a salad bar, the restaurant. No, but what you do is you don't make it a bar. We're not talking about a la carte. We're talking about a salad and the way I like it, which is basically...

spinach, arugula, whole tomatoes cut in big-ass chunks, black beans, banana peppers hot, banana peppers sweet, motherfucking cucumbers, player put some olive oil, and then player put some salt, and then player put some pepper. And that's it. That's done. Let me give you your slogan. I'm trying to help. I just told you what it is, man. He's trying to help your dumb ass. Your slogan is Carl's Salad Bar. Come for the salad. Leave with the canes next door, motherfucker. Ah!

Wow, you didn't let me get my shit out for that. Wow. Wow. Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead and list your ingredients again, motherfucker. People have shit to do. Oh, I'm sorry, Anders. I must have left my mask in the car. Get your ass over here, motherfucker.

What's the dressing? Because we're coming for the dressing. It said olive oil. The dressing is olive oil, salt, and pepper. Oh, my God. That's not dressing. Yeah, it is. That's pre-dressing. So fucking good. No, that's the shit. That's all you need. I learned that shit. That's just how you get the lettuce wet, dude.

That's how you do it in Italy. I learned that shit in Italy, bro. This ain't Italy, brother. That's how you explain the most basic salad that you specifically like. Didn't you hear it has spinach? Oh, it does have spinach and arugula like every other goddamn salad you've ever had. I fucking love it, dude. I eat it like every day. I fucking love it. Everyone likes it. It's fucking...

What is setting you apart? Dude, that was the most basic ass salad I've ever heard in my life. For real. That's what I'm saying. You guys are talking about basic ass shit that is good.

that's what you're talking about the best of the basic cane best of the basic you're talking about a chicken nugget no we're not talking oh you don't know nothing you don't know nothing dude i mean i'm not trying to oh we're talking about nuggets dude they're tenders also what's so good about it the sauce i can contribute on the sauce like no other motherfucker can i got a secret motherfucking sauce that y'all don't even know about i've had it i've had it and how good is it blake how good is my low-quap barbecue sauce it's

It's good. Thank you. Wait, your what sauce? Loquat barbecue sauce, bro. What does that mean, and what do you put it on? You ever heard of a loquat, or you're too busy eating nuggets? It's a fruit-based. Tenders. Tenders. I've never heard of a loquat, so blow my mind. Thank you. So, look at that. I just brought the motherfucking ingredient, dawg.

That doesn't make it good because he hasn't heard of it. Dude, you know it's good, Blake. I don't appreciate this. You sent me a picture of you fucking drinking that shit. I don't appreciate you taking their side. I did not send a picture of me drinking it. That's some bullshit. I smell a take back. You sent a picture of, oh, it's all gone after one fucking helping, bruh. It's a small helping. Yeah, because he had to drown out the disgusting salad with...

with whatever dressing. Whatever he made was on him. I just gave him the bomb ass sauce. So if y'all want a partner. And you're putting this on like Beyond Meat or what? What are you putting this barbecue sauce on? I put it on Beyond Meat. I put it on Impossible Meat. I throw it on fucking salads if I really want to dance. Matt Beyond Meat.

Yeah, nice. Matt Beyond Me. That's a swim reference to everyone at home who doesn't know. I'm pissed now! I'm just saying, dude, y'all don't discount me because I'll come with the fire no matter what corner I'm shoved in. All right, Kyle. Jesus Christ, dude. All I'm saying is get your ass to a Raisin Cane's. They're delicious. And me, Blake...

And Anders will franchise our own Raisin Cane's. And that's okay. You don't need to be involved in this business venture that we have all verbally agreed. And look, if you want a salad stand outside of the Cane's, let's talk. Actually, I'm so down with this. You can park your...

Salad RV in our Gaines parking lot and we won't shoo you out. Kyle's RV salad sounds off the chain. I'm so down with this. And then we could say, you want that healthy shit? Take it outside. I'm so down with this. I love it. I love it. You want to change the game with your salad? Skin croutons. Yummy.

Remember when we first, it was like season one of Workaholics and we were writing at Hollywood Production Center, which is just a place that has a bunch of offices that a lot of people write their shows in. And we were writing Workaholics there season one. And in the gym, I remember one time Jamie Kennedy came in.

and was working and both me and Durs were like we were like talking goofing around and then like he came in and both of us both time stopped

Yeah, it was like Jamie Kennedy was the biggest goddamn star. Talk about the glow. We had a Jamie Kennedy experience of our own. Yeah, that was our Jamie Kennedy experience. It was like Brad Pitt just walked in. Both of us were like immediately were quiet, lifting heavier weights than we normally would. Yours got on the treadmill and just fucking soared. In my pearl of zoomies. That's cool. Damn. The best part of that is immediately quiet. Just like... Yeah, just like...

Head down, working out extra hard. I think, and by the way, he was pushing like a Bentley GT Continental. Oh yeah. I had so many questions about that, but hey, Scream 3, Scream 3. I think Jamie Kennedy might have overextended himself a little bit. Hey, Scream 3.

Yeah. You know, scream three. Who knew Malibu's most wanted? Let's go. Very funny movie, by the way. Yeah. Didn't he do enough work to get, he didn't. Yeah. What's, what was his, what did he do? Scream one, two, three. Uh, he had the Jamie Kennedy experience. Scooby Scooby doo. I don't know. He had some shit. Okay. Well, yeah, he had a, he had a solid run. He had a nice window. Bentley's come to those who work. And also wasn't he with Jennifer love Hewitt for a while.

He was. I know the answer, and it's yes. Hello. God damn. Do you remember Jennifer Love Hewitt? In that...

That era? In that era. 100%. Like, God damn. That's a grand slam. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Because Jamie Kennedy, for the few times I met him, seems like a great guy. Everyone, probably including Jamie Kennedy, will agree that he's not a stereotypical super handsome hot guy. He won her over with the ha-ha. Oh, God. Gave me hope. I was like, oh.

I was like, there we go. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Those types of relationships were always like, oh, there is so much hope in this world. They see past the face. They see past the hair. They smell past the stanchion. Women are so nice and good. They're such better people.

They really are. Women rule. The fact that they can look past all of our just gross shit. Yeah. Our egotistical bullshit. Egotesticals. And if you're funny or cool or whatever, you can land a babe. Yeah, man. Yeah.

Yeah.

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If you tell me where Pennsylvania is, I've been to Pennsylvania multiple times. I've been there a lot, actually. Right.

I do not know where it is. If you told me to find it on a map, I would get in the right area. I would be within a state or two. It's upper right, right? I don't know. No. It's upper right. No, no, it's not upper. What do you mean? What is it, mid-right? In the middle. It's kind of upper. No, it's not. It's not total mid-right. It's on the right. It's on the right. It's on the right.

It's the long one on the right. That's Mississippi, bro. Is it up by NY? Is it kind of right by? No, no, no. It's kind of near. It's near, but it's above Virginia. Oh, it's right above like Virginia, West Virginia, right above there. And that's why I said I'd get within a state or two. And Kentucky, right? It's just above Kentucky. Creeps over to Ohio. Well, I found a new segment for the podcast, Learn Our Geography. Yeah. It's tough. Break out the maps. Where do we live? Bam, bam, bam. Yeah.

I don't know where New Hampshire... New England is a whole mystery to me. New England is not a state. The fact that New York State is all that, and then Manhattan is just that little tale... Yeah. Blew my mind the first time I figured it out. I was like... Bro, you gotta learn your boroughs, bro. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boogie down. Get the fuck out of here. The zoo. I'm good. I haven't spent much time in New York.

In upstate New York. Is Cornell in upstate New York? Hey, you know what? It probably might be. It sounds like it. It probably might be. Chances are it could be. Yeah, it totally could be. Daniel Baldwin, is he the hottest Baldwin?

No. No. No. Steven. No. Steven. Alex. Steven. No, wait, no, no. Sorry, sorry. No, is it? Who's Billy Baldwin? Billy Baldwin from Backdraft is the hot one. Oh. Oh, yeah. He's very hot. Correct. That Baldwin family, there's a lot of hunky, hunky dudes.

There's a lot of win in those balls, I'll tell you. Is Stephen Baldwin biodome? Yes, that is biodome. Correct, correct. Yeah, he's hot as shit too. No one's saying he's not. I find comedians hot, but I guess that might not be what we're talking about.

That's true. And he had sick style in that movie. He had those little braids. That was so sick. Very influential. Were they braids or white people dreads with like the egg yolk in them? I recall them being little like rubber band like braids. I don't think he had the dreads. Rubber band. Rubber band. Oh, righty then. Thank God you got that soundboard. I'm telling you, it's only going to grow. It's only going to grow.

so excited well I hope so because right now those two are starting to wear out their welcome there is one other one alrighty then right yeah we know we've got them memorized now that's I said those two different read different read oh okay come on there's a there's alrighty then and then a alrighty then oh shit okay alright yeah yeah that's a that's a good one that one fits in the convo a little better alrighty then see was that you or the board yeah

I'm having trouble. I remember the first night that I brought Durs around. He got in a fight with our upstairs neighbors. Shouting match. Shouting match. A shouting match, not a fist fight. I haven't heard that term in a while. I got to bring that back. We were upstairs and for whatever reason, Durs was saying something and they were like, what the fuck are you doing here? Who are you? Get out of here. But like you guys lived in a duplex. So you guys were- Triplex. Triplex.

Try flex. Hello. So yeah, baby, you could try and flex me. So you guys live downstairs. Other people lived upstairs. It was like a co party. I was upstairs and then everyone I knew went downstairs and then they just turned to me and they're like, who the fuck are you? And I was like, I'm, I'm friends with the guys downstairs. And then some dudes were like, get the fuck out of here.

And I was like, whoa, hey, man. They were flexing on you, dude. They triplexed on me. You were too big for the party. That's what happens. That only happens to big guys. They never do that to me. People are like, you can stay, little rascal. I did say they were like, get the fuck out of here. And I was like, okay, carry me out. You drew a line with the neighbors. It didn't go over well. And then he said, you want me to carry you? Huh? Because I will.

I'll carry you. And then I was like, okay, I'll go. And then they like went to get Kyle. And I was like getting my DVDs back from Adam that he had borrowed. Well, I was laying on, I was passed out on the couch, probably in like a puddle of my own piss because I used to piss the futon all the time. Did I do that?

No, you had just fought Adam. Yes, Kyle had just fought me. That doesn't mean I wasn't in a puddle of my own piss. Sure. That is true. I'm pissed now. He might have pissed himself when he kept showing me his hands. I'm pissed. Kept showing me his hands saying...

oh, you're so lucky I didn't connect with these big check hands. Right. We talked about that story and this connects directly with this story because then I remember waking up in a haze and hearing a shouting match going on in my living room and

To which I took the side of my neighbors because I knew them. I had no idea who the fuck you were at that point. No idea. That's not very G. And then I was getting my DVDs and it looked like I was stealing from you. And you were like, who are you? I'm like, yeah, you were taking the Arrested Development DVD and the Jamie Foxx DVD. And I said, you can't fucking take those. And I said, these are my... Those are Adam's friends' DVDs. I said, I think I'm Adam's friend because these are my DVDs. I said, Adam, is he your friend? Yeah.

Oh, and by the way, me and Kyle have just gotten in a fight 40 minutes before this. And, uh, I love that Kyle standing up for my friends, DVDs. Well,

Well, we got in a fight over some BS with a girl. I can get past that easily. You know what I mean? It's bros. Yes, for sure. You know what I mean? Kyle was just looking to fight somebody that night, I think. Yeah, he had demons. Yeah, he was trying to fight. Well, this is, you know, it didn't stop. I stopped drinking six years ago because when I got drunk, I was looking for it, you know? And I said, Kyle, why don't you carry me out? That's this dude's catchphrase.

Why don't you carry me out? Adam, how did that end? Did you get in the middle of it? Well, I remember coming into the room, like hearing you being like, those are Adam's friends DVDs. And then Durs being like, I think I'm Adam's friend. And then you're like, I don't know you. And then I come in and I'm like, that's my friend, Kyle. I write with him. Oh, this is who you've been sneaking off to to write, huh?

That's what it was about, the jealousy. This is why you won't improv with me. Oh, but our guitar hero was all improv. Why do you think you need to write? Me.

Dude, so real. So that's why you missed Wii Bowling last week. Right. Okay. I thought we were in a league, bro. So that's why you missed Wii Bowling practice. Durs, you just took off. I don't know. Did you walk back to your place? You were wasted. I walked home to West Hollywood. Jesus. How is that? Which we were mid-city LA, which-

That's a hell of a walk. This is miles and I'm wearing Clark's wallabies. Yeah, you are. Let's just say it wasn't a great walk.

No shade to wallabies. No shade to wallabies. We're looking for a sponsor. I just don't walk four miles in them. Yeah, they're more for pimping. And then the next day, Adam's like, you want to go see a movie? And I'm like, what movie? He's like, Kung Fu Hustle. And I'm like, yeah, I'll go see that. And then when we get there, who else is there? Guess who's there? Anders is there. Yeah, baby.

He arranged this whole thing. He arranged it so we could squash the beef. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Learn how to improv, learn how to write, and we loved that movie, didn't we, Anders? It's so good. Do you remember what I said to you? I said, uh... Carry me to my seat. Oh, goddamn, Blake. Trying to get my little joke on, and you're just like... Sorry, brother. No finesse, no finesse. Did I do that?

All right, Blake's heating up. You going to this movie? Would you mind carrying me in? I remember the first time I asked Anders if we wanted to write together or if we should write together or hang out or whatever. I remember my car had broken down and our ex-roommate, Christine, was there to pick me up and she was like,

from second city where we were doing improv together yeah i was getting we had just done improv class and we're coming out of class and dirge was so funny and i remember standing on the corner like like i'm asking a dude out and was like yeah so you're really funny dude oh yeah you too man you're really funny uh do you want to like get together and like riot or like you know figure something out

and Ders is like, oh, hell yeah, yeah, you know, here's my number. You do stand-up? That's fucking crazy, man. You got some balls on you, dude. Yeah, okay, cool, thank you. I do have balls. And then Christine was like honking at me, and she goes, Adam, what the fuck are you doing?

And I get in the car and she was like, what was that about? And I'm like, I'm fucking him. I think I'm going to fuck this guy. I think I'll be fucking him. Yeah, baby. Dirtbag.

Ders would rock the popped collar, which I never pulled that look off and never attempted, but I respect Ders for having multiple Lacoste polos that he would pop. We got to dig some... Do you have any photos of those? Did you ever rock the double polo? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. That's so sick. There was a gray and then this kind of like...

like pink ish, like a, uh, like a fucking dull magenta. And I'd wear that under the gray and it would look fucking good. I'm not mad at a pop collar still, but the double pop. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. That's kind of ridiculous. How many colors did you wear? Just two, two. Yeah. I mean, two is so dumb a lot.

But two is one more than you need. Yeah, it's more than you need. Is it the same shirt twice, right? That's what it is? Yeah. Or was there one without buttons or something? No, no, no. It was just two Lacoste polos. Okay. I mean, what would be real sick is if you had one that like sewed in two collars. Yeah, that'd be so tight. Who started wearing two collars?

polo shirts at once. Somebody who's fucking smart. Durz and his crew. I'm gonna guess it was like T.I. I'm gonna say it was Grand Hustle. Actually, nobody in my crew would do it. Nobody in my crew would rock like that. You were on some cool shit. Hey, what happened to the sleeves? Did the sleeves show two colors?

too? I didn't. No, I'm sure somebody pulled the sleeves. But you could. I just liked having like a little color pop around my neck. Yeah, no, that's dope. I'm into that, bro. I'm into that for you. Why not wear an ascot? Oh, that's cool too. I kind of liked. Yeah, you're right. I could have done that. But on the spectrum of greasy to fabric, I

yeah baby in a weird way i love the like pageantry of prep style like i i was like this is ridiculous i'm a person who wears two collars i'm a person who has like their shirt over their shoulders and tied who does that anymore or ever this sounds like your aa speech like yes i'm a person who pops two uh my name is anders i wear a sweater over my shoulders hi anders hi

been known to pop collars. Didn't they also do the embroidery? Did you ever do that where it was like you could get like embroidery on those shirts? Like your name? Is that not a thing? Yeah. I thought you would get it or no on the bottom of the collar where you'd pop it up. On the back of the collar there'd be stuff so when you pop it there's something there. Oh my god.

Yeah. What? Oh, my. That's a bad look. Yeah, bro. I remember that. This is real? Yeah. I don't know if I ever had anything like that. See, I was always jealous of that look because I agree. It's just so absurd that I wanted to do it so bad.

Remember that time I came in the Workaholics writer's room and I was like three hours late or something? And I'm like, sorry guys, I'm so late. Actually, the craziest thing happened to me last night and this morning. And you guys were like, okay, what, traffic or something? Again, another big poo-poo. Okay, we'll do it again. What happened, Adam? What happened? Another crazy night. Okay. And the night before, me and Blake were roommates. Blake's ex.

comes to me and it's like, hey Adam, some weird guy gave me this envelope to give to you, told me not to look in it. And I go, yeah, I don't know. It must be my manager's office or my agent's office or something with a script. Something Hollywood. Residuals. Yeah, it's part of my team. I don't know. Seems Hollywood. I open it up and it was a letter from the guy that said, like the LA County person that lets you know if you have AIDS. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I remember that. Oh, yeah.

Do you remember this story? Yes. It's bizarre. And so I try to call. I call in the office right away. It was too late. I got home late at night. He opens up his office at 9 a.m. So at 9 a.m., I'm like, obviously I can't sleep. I think I have AIDS. The AIDS. And so the AIDS, capital A, capital I-

I think both capital DNS. All stand for something. It all stands for something. Not sure. No way to tell. Adam, Adam, you idiot. You done sexed your life away. You done sexed your life away. Adam, the idiot done sexed his life away. Sexed his life away. I think that's what it is. So the next morning, I can't sleep at all. I call in and get a hold of the guy. And he's like, as I'm sure you know, you've tested positive for...

Oh, crazy. The HIV virus, I guess. And I'm like, hold up now. What's that? No.

no i didn't and i'd gotten a std test in omaha nebraska when i was i was back home visiting my family and i was like you know what i'm gonna go to my local doctor just get the whole gamut of tests right it's a safe thing to do in your early 20s for old time's sake when you're home you're like yeah i was like you know 24 or something i was like all right and so i did that in omaha and then i go and this is in california where this is happening and he's like well you have aids i'm like i'm

I do not. And he goes, you do. And that's the first stage of denial is saying you don't have it. We're here for you. We're here for you. It's very common. And we're here for you. And I will drive over to your house right now to talk to you about it. And I'm like, you do not have to do that. I do not have AIDS. I just got tested by my doctor back home. He says, I'm all good. I'm in the clear. And he goes...

he says that you have AIDS or HIV. And so I call my doctor, the nurse goes, what the fuck? When I tell her this story, she said, what the fuck? Wow. The fuck? And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, um, uh, hang on. Puts me on hold for like 10 minutes. The scariest 10 minutes of my life the whole time.

Exactly. Where I'm just thinking, I have AIDS. My whole life is turned upside down. I could die. Right. And they came back on the line. They're like, the doctor won't speak with you. He's pissed. Because he thinks that I'm going to sue him. Right. And I go, well, do I have AIDS? And they're like, no, from the test that we took from you, you do not have AIDS.

Or any STD. Right. And... Or anything. And I go, what the fuck? She's like, that's what I said. Yeah. Somehow they sent over that I have AIDS to California. No idea how this happened. Yeah. The most insane thing. I probably could have sued for a fortune. Right. And that's why the doctor didn't talk to me. And then I talked to this guy again and he still didn't believe me. And then...

I got like a STD test the next day and I was all good. Right. So it did come from your doctor in Omaha. You didn't get tested in California also, right? My doctor said that I had AIDS. Did he?

Dude, that's so scary. We got to get to the bottom of this. And I'm glad we're putting it out there on the podcast so that the millions of listeners can get to the bottom of this. Because what the fuck? Millions. Billions, bitch. Yeah. Oh, my B. I mean, you're probably not the only person who's been misdiagnosed with HIV. I mean, that's just...

It's so frightening. What the fuck? What was so scary is it wasn't like... It wasn't a practical joke. It wasn't like I came in the office and you guys were like, gotcha, bitch! That would have been pretty sick. Which would have been... Amazing! An elite level slam. Like, I looked up...

via the Google, that this guy is the guy to tell you that you have HIV. Yeah, we set up that page. Official letterhead, like the whole thing. It was absolutely terrifying. I mean, anytime you go in for any kind of STD test, it's extremely nerve wracking. Even if you know you've been good, as soon as you take the test, you're like, I've got something. I'm fucked. Yeah, you're like, oh yeah, dude. Anytime you've ever like itched your balls, you're like, that's something! That's something!

I can tell! Yeah, for sure. I remember working at BJ's Pizza, allegedly, and just after taking the STD test, and I'm like, my dick just does not feel good. There's crystals in it or something. I got the one STD that produces crystals. That's so sick. That's a good one. Sea monkeys and something. Well, you look up, and then you Google, like, my dick feels like it has crystals, and you Google it, and it's like, sure enough, that is something. What?

Gonorrhea. Anytime there's any sort of sickness. Crystallization in the shaft of your cock. For sure. That's bad. That's bad. That's herpes simplex Q. Herpes syntax. Syntax. That's the Q. Complex, huh? Syntax, what? I'm coming rocks.

I'm coming rocks. Siri, I'm coming rocks. Is that a problem? Hey, coming rocks. But it shouldn't have rocks. Right. Hey, what's up? I'm Blake Anderson. I'm here to talk about... Coming rocks, but it shouldn't have rocks. Herpes syntax Q. Herpes syntax Q.

It's not a game. Definitely not a game to play with. Not a game. Rocks hurt. It really hurts. Sticks and stones may break my bones. But rocks rip your dick hole. Oh, my God. That guy is sick over there. He's sick. He's twisted. This is when we need sound boards. All righty then. He said it, not me.

Allegedly. For those of you at home who can't see, Kyle has a junkyard of words tattooed on his back and shoulder. The likes of, name two words. Name the two best. Hummus.

Yeah, I got Jillian and essential. And is essential spelled correctly? You tell me, man. I can't look at this thing. Yeah, so he wrote a bunch of sentences down, and that meant something to him, and then put it on his back and had the tattoo artist jumble up the words and put it on his back. It wasn't really an artist. It was just a friend. Yeah, it was a buddy who I gripped with.

Sure. Who got a tattoo gun and he wanted to practice. And so I was like, what's the harm in doing words? Just write words on my shoulder. So yeah, that's what it is. Do you have the original sentences? No, no. You forgot. You completely forgot all the sentences. Or do you remember some of them or for the most part? No, I don't care to know what they were. I don't think... That's not the point of it. I mean, it's like it was a moment thing. It was like...

Also, I lost them and I was very sad when I lost them, but I have to own it now because there's no way I can go back and find them. So it's just like, uh, it's part of the art. Yeah. You're like, no, it's a moment thing. You for sure wish you could remember them. Why don't you write all the words down, have someone read them aloud to you, write them down and then try to mix them back together from memory to maybe what those sentences might've been. It just doesn't interest me. Uh,

It doesn't interest me either. I think it's boring as well. Yeah, it just is what it is. You know what I mean? Oh, well, I mean. It's just a bunch of random words on my back right shoulder, and that's where it kind of stops. I don't know if it's random.

Random, I think you're scared to know what you wrote down. No, I remember what it was. I mean, I have like the word insane. I have like the word beer. I have like the word mom, dad. Insane mom beer. I want to know what beer is. Why are you picking insane beer and mom together? Humans, real.

I passed NWO. Hey, shout out. Hate. Kyle, do you have any other tattoos besides the words on your back? Do you have any like real? The 13-year-old emo prison tat. What is that? Well, you weren't 13. You were like 27. I know, but that's what somebody called it once and it was the funniest thing. Yeah, that's funny. I have...

Adam is frozen in the funniest way right now. Oh, I thought he was making that face. Oh. I gotta take a picture of this. I thought he was making that face and held it because he was so astonished. Fuck.

He is all the way eyebrows all the way up touching his hair like wide-eyed at Kyle's explanation. Oh, that's great. Yeah, it's pretty great. Wait, Kyle. So what is this? What is this tattoo? The other one? The other tattoo is a Japanese character that is just means go beyond. Oh.

That's correct. Oh, you think it means that? Well, right. I've had multiple people on sets tell me that it's upside down. It's sideways. Somebody actually told me it means golden showers. Who are these people? These are just fucking honkers that made the same joke as me and then fucking... They're just people on sets that claim they know Japanese. And so it's like, all right. Oh, well, that means golden shower, dude. Yeah, exactly.

All righty then. You got to get one of these boards, bro. I got it in Huntington when I was 18 years old. Is that still a thing? Because that was a hot trend for a minute to get a little Japanese word in Japanese. Or Chinese. Was it? I thought it was... What language is yours? I mean...

Me? He has no idea. Japanese. Okay. Well, I pulled it out of a book and it said it was Japanese. Sure. Right. Well, it would be what? Mandarin? Well, that's Chinese. No. No, it'd be Japanese. Motherfucker. Yeah. It's Japanese. No. I was talking about if it was Chinese. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Yes. Cantonese or Mandarin.

It's all Greek to me. Is that funny? Yeah, but I rolled to the tattoo shop like I didn't even know what I was going to get. I was just moved out of my house and moved to Newport and got on the bus and was like, I'm going to go get a tattoo. That's just what's going to happen today. I'm going to go beyond. It was either that or getting a Prince Edward or whatever the fuck it is when you get a thing through the end of your dick. Prince Albert? Yeah, Prince Albert. I really wish Kyle would have gotten a weird piercing. I used to have my lip and my ears and...

I don't remember you having a pierced lip. When did you have that? Yeah, I did my lip when I worked at Vans in Newport Beach. That's par for the course. Yeah, that was a thing back then, the lip pierce. Who was that? Blank started that? Well, Tom DeLonge had a pierced lip for a while. Yeah, it looked good. I really liked it. Right, right. Yeah, I really wanted one too, but never too late.

I never, uh, I didn't want the hole there. You get the zit for life kind of thing, it looks like. Is that a zit? Oh, no. Yeah. I wonder if that's what this is. Probably. Oh, no. Huh. It's a mistake. Oh, no.

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On the boat, what's nice is you wake up and you've been drinking the night before. Okay, pretty heavily. Yeah, baby. And you got to take the edge off in order to drive the boat back home from the island, from Catalina, right? So you, it's an hour and a half drive. You know, it's out there. You're going to be in the middle of the ocean. So you got to take the edge off.

right? What I do, morning beers. Yep. Sure. Yeah, baby. So you just get drunk. I have two beers. Six morning beers. It's called riding the wave. No, I have two beers in the morning, Coors Light, mixed with spicy tomato juice. Bloody Mary mix. Like Bloody Mary mix. Ew.

Adam, this is you saying you're getting drunk before driving your boat. You just said you don't do it. No, no, no. Buzzed boat driving is not drunk driving. Allegedly. That's not driving. That's not drunk driving. You gotta have two to level yourself out, Kyle. It's been a while since you've been in the game. I think you forgot there's levels to this shit. I know. Our smartest friend. It would be more dangerous for Adam to

to drive the boat before he consumed more alcohol. Blake, as my smartest friend, thank you for saying that because it would be more dangerous for me to not have two morning beers before taking that 2,000 pound vessel and soaring it home going as fast as I can. Alrighty then. Yeah.

Yes, I OD'd on Quaaludes when I was two. Right. Famously. Tight sentence. Yeah. And so my mom took me to her neighbor's house because her neighbor was having issues with her boyfriend, sat me down on the couch. She was talking with the woman, trying to calm her down. Turns out she was having issues with her boyfriend because she caught her boyfriend dealing drugs. Mm-hmm.

Meanwhile, I'm on this couch, the couch that I ended up having and sleeping on for years because they gave us the couch because I almost died on it. But I was sitting on the couch and my mom was like, Adam, what do you got in your mouth? And she turns around and I'm like being all naughty faced. I was like, what? No, nothing. But I'm like a little kid, so I'm not saying words. And I just have a mouth full of stuff. I love how you remember that from two. And I was like, what? Nothing. Nothing.

And, uh, well, this is just for what my mom said. Right. And then I like, wouldn't give her what was in my mouth and I had swallowed a bunch of it or whatever. And she finally like grips a hold of my face and opens up my mouth and fishes out these pills. And then she looks in, in the crevice of the couch where I had like stuffed something was a half empty bag of pills. And this guy had a bag, a baggie of quaaludes. Yeah. And then, uh,

Yeah. And then some guy showed up at the house and was looking for the boyfriend, obviously to buy drugs. Nice. My mom thinks it's an angel. And my mom's like, you have to take her to the hospital. And the guy's like, oh, okay. And then he takes them the wrong way and doesn't stop at a hospital, stops at a CVS or whatever it was called at the time, you know, a pharmacy. And he goes in, gets EpiCac, comes right out. I puke all over his truck. Oh,

he knows takes me to a hospital and they were like, he probably wouldn't have made it all the way to the hospital. It was good that he puked before then. Yeah. The guy knew that you needed to get it out of your system. Damn. Yeah. And my mom's like, he's an angel. And was he wearing a white hat or something? That's what my mom says. He's wearing a white cowboy hat. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And my mom's like, he was, cause we were in Oklahoma city at the time. And I guess people wear cowboy hats there in the eighties. And yeah,

And my mom's like, he's an angel. My dad's like, sounds like he's a drug addict. Yeah. The fact that he knows how to exactly, you go to the pharmacy, you get Epicac, they cough it up. It's no problem. Yeah. Totally. They puke it up right away. He had that knowledge otherwise, you know? So that's cool. The Walgreens was like, you're back. Yeah. Yeah. Epicac. Hey, Hey Kyle. Phone number for the discount. I'll take another. Thank you. Uh, this it's a baby actually this time. It's a baby. This one. I'll see you next week.

I had a shirt that said Nebraska, big cock country, and then it showed a pheasant. Hell yeah. Oh, shit. You know I rocked that to school every day. And the teachers couldn't say shit. They were like, this is inappropriate. I'm like, no, it's not. A pheasant is a cock. Is a pheasant a cock? Is a pheasant a cock? Is it a cock, though? It's not. Is a pheasant a cock, though? Is a pheasant a cock, though? It's a cock, though. You guys silly? I'm still going to send it.

It's like phone sex when we were kids. Yeah, and you could just chat. Wait a second. It's like phone sex when we were kids. Yeah. What? When you would be like, well, I know what you're talking about. It was like. Yeah. Yeah, you get a hold of a credit card. You dial it in. Dial 1-900-HOT-TWITZ. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. And then you were like, uh. Hot whammy blammies. Like, for only $1.99 a minute, I will. Oh!

I'm like, what does that mean? Wait, will the boys have conquered Kyle and Blake? Will you tell everyone out there about the number you would call to find out the time? Oh, multiple Mona. Mona? Yeah. Multiple... It was Mona. Mona, baby. Yeah, you could... Because what was the thing... You used to be able to call a thing called like popcorn. Yeah, it was like 676-1111 or 1234. It's spelled like popcorn. And this one was like...

7-6-7-1-2-3-4. They switched some... It was like a joke. Just stop talking about it and explain it to people. You call it. So popcorn, you call and you got the time. It would say at the beep, the Pacific Standard Time is this. That's the context. Back in the day when nobody had a fucking cell phone that was all synced up to the same thing, you had a watch and you would have to call a number and it would say at the tone, the time is exactly blah.

And you would go boop and synchronize your watch. But in Concord, you had... Mona. Yeah, some sick person in the Bay Area made Mona. That would be like, at, in, to, what is it? Oh my God. Wow. At the sound of the moan, it'll be two o'clock. But she would say, at the sound of the moan, it will be 4.30 sex. Right. Oh.

And that's how you got your tongue. And it was free and you could call and beat off to that. Because you know that was happening. Yeah, man. You call it from the house phone. They're like, mom picks up the line. Mom, I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. At the sound of the moan, it's 4.30 sex.

Dude, I called that number so many times outside of Mountain Mike's Pizza just to confirm that she was saying sex instead of six. And that was like the fucking hottest thing to eight-year-old me. Also, whose mom did that? She was such a trooper. Shout out to Mona. Trooper. You really killed it.

A pioneer. It was 1-800 or 1-900? It was a local number. Yeah, it had to be free, right? No one's paying for that. It was just a local number. It was so tight. Yeah, it was like 925. You just call it.

It was the homie's mom. It was the neighbor mom. You know it was a guy. No. At the top. No. For sure it was a dude who was like, the mom. Yeah, this is San Francisco. People were pulling some wool over our eyes. There's no way. There's no way. Nuh-uh. There's absolutely no way you take a...

I want you to have that, like, piccolo playing dude with, like, the hair. The, like, dancing... Oh, ah, shit. I know that fool's name, too. He's, like, the Burning Man insignia. It's another band. It's, like, some fucking jam band's insignia. Yeah, he's, like, the little fish. It's, like...

It's either like fish or something. It's like who Grant Smith is all about. Oh, widespread. Widespread panic. Widespread panic. String cheese incident. One of those. String cheese incident. String cheese incident is pretty dang good. String cheese snack food is pretty damn good. I'll say that. I just did that for the opening. I wanted somebody to pull that clip. Yeah, string cheese is pretty dang good. Alrighty then.

Grant Smith, who was our DP on six of the seven seasons of Workaholics and who kind of came up with us filming internet videos and stuff for us. And then we sort of grew up together as far as that stuff goes. I remember we went to his birthday party one year at the Wiltern. And I think we saw a string cheese incident. That would have been widespread panic. Widespread panic. Okay. And I remember going there.

I mean, I don't mean to shit on these type of bands. It's just not my thing. But I was there because, you know, it's Grant's birthday. It's a fun thing to do. And I remember seeing two people meet for the first time. They were both fucked up on drugs and he was carrying two beers and he bumps into her and he spills this whole beer on this girl. And this girl's like mad. I clock that. A half hour later, I see them...

like just grinding on each other. Half hour after that, I clocked them fully making out. He has his hands down her pants. Yeah, baby. At the end of the show, I caught them. They're full on fighting as if they've been a couple for three years. And this is like the blowout that ends it all. And then I saw him, the guy, as I'm leaving to go to our car, I saw him crying in the parking lot.

And I'm like, that's why people like those jam bands. It's because it's an immersive experience. You can live a lifetime in three hours. Yeah, also the shows last a long-ass time, too. Yeah, jam bands are kind of like, I don't know why people are so diehard about them.

It is interesting how they just attract like... You know what it is? It's an excuse to... It's drugs. Do drugs and get fucked up. Oh, right. That's everything. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That's why I'm trying to get into like fishing. I'm like, you know what? That'll be a good excuse to just drink with my buddies on a boat. Yeah.

Yeah, baby. And that's why people, when they get older, they're like, maybe I'm deep into golf because then they get to take three hours once or twice a week to be like, honey, I'm playing golf with the guys. You're drunk.

Guys, the name of the thing, by the way, is called Cocopelli. Yes, it's like a Native American symbol. Right, it's been co-opted by honkies. We did it again! Oh, righty. Gosh, we suck, man. Sorry, I'm gonna slap that on my car. Yeah, the worst. But who was the dude that...

who the homie drew like initially. I want to know who was the guy rocking out on that flute where the guy was like, I'm about to draw the homie Coco real quick. He's like, wait, stay right there. I must paint you.

Well, it was on Cave Paintings. I'm looking at this and it says it was on Cave Paintings, 750 to 850. Wow. Damn. Jam bands have been around that long? They've been jamming for that long. Back in the day, imagine how long the concerts were back then when they didn't even really know time and they were just like jamming. That drum beat didn't stop. Yeah. Like that was probably fucking week-long concerts. Welcome to This is Important. How long were drum beats? Alrighty then.

heck along heck along the everlasting drum beat it still continues to this day it's right here brother in the heart this reminds me of John Stamos how he's like flawless but then he has like a crazy belly button I guess what okay yeah John Stamos has like a he has like a weird like gnarled crumpled up belly button you got it dude

Wow. And thank God he does. Yeah, exactly. Because he's too sexy. You got to have one thing. I bet Brad Pitt, just nasty breath. He's got to have something. He's too sexy. No, actually, Brad Pitt doesn't have a butthole. He doesn't. Oh. Yeah, it's just. He shits out of his dick hole. I've heard that. He doesn't shit. I've heard that allegedly. That would be so bad. I like this. I like that we've gone to Emmy and Gossip Talk. Oh my God. Yeah.

Hey, we're Hollywood, baby. This is important, baby. We're Hollywood, dude. We're Hollywood. Oh, yeah. We're H-Wood, dog. We're H-Wood.

Speaking of pre-Uber, when me and Blake were leaving Barney's Beanery one time, which is like a, you know, a classic dive bar in Hollywood. And it was right when we had turned 21 and we would go there and like buy a pitcher of beer and then also like have sodas and mix our own booze into the soda. But we got really fucked up one night. Mm-hmm.

And I was driving us home, and it was just pre-Uber, and we're like, oh, I can't afford a taxi. And then we drive out, and I rear-end someone as we were leaving. Like that first red light. It wasn't a super hard rear-end. No, it was just like my reaction time's a little slow, and I didn't hit the brake quite in time. But it was like it happened, and we were like, fuck.

It did happen. And I put it in park and I'm like, fuck. And I get out of the car and I'm like, I'm so sorry, man. And he goes, did you just leave Barney's Beanery? And I'm like, uh-huh. And he goes, you've

you've been drinking? And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, me too. Let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I just told that story the other day. It's amazing. And look, I don't want to advocate for drunk driving at all, but it is the most fun thing possible. Oh my God. I remember this guy I knew in high school who like such a fucking dork, but

But like, I guess he was like, got a good body or something. I guess. He became the... You can admit the guy was fucking jacked. Yeah, dude. What's up, bro? The guy was ripped, but he was just a fucking dork. And he would be at the mall shirtless. And we're all like, look at this fucking dork. He looks like such an idiot. And then immediately, like all the hot chicks were like, oh my God, he's actually kind of cute. And you're like, I've got to take my pants off and sit outside Hot Topic. Yeah.

I have to take my pants off and sit outside Wetzel's presence. Kyle, you've been to the Venice Beach Drum Circle. This is a world-famous drum circle that happens like every Sunday in Venice Beach. Yeah, I've been down there. And it's like hundreds of people, bonfires and drums. What goes down there? Dude, it's just a lot of...

trying to keep the rhythm and a lot of people trying to stand out amongst the rhythm and you're like that's kind of just fucking it up but like come on but it is kind of cool when everybody's like going and it's the same reason like you know jamming is fun wait

Like if you play an instrument, but I think we did. Emma and I. Yeah, I saw your wife there once. Did 10 years ago, Emma and I were like training for a marathon on the boardwalk. Yeah. And we were like, well, this is fucking insane and dirty. And you came out and you were like, dude, right? Totally. Totally. Because me and Marissa, my wife were down in Venice staying at a hotel and we were like, let's go to the fucking drum circle and just like hang out.

Because you hear it for like miles. Yeah. Yeah. And she had never been and I had never been at that point. So we were like, let's go. And we were like just in it and like trying to get to the heart of it. And people were passing us drums and we're like, oh, and then like, it was just like so cool. Hopefully they're passing some joints. I think, yeah, passing joints, passing blunts, getting, getting just, just feeling it. Yeah, baby. And then we walk out and then there's, it was you or just your wife, but it was like, hey, Kyle. And I'm like, oh, wow.

this could not be more opposite. You guys had your Campbell backs on and you're like training for a marathon. And I'm like, I'm so stoned and just like coming out of the circle. They're out there, uh, being athletes and you and Marissa have like dirt in your hair, braiding each other, cut muscles,

cut mud all over your crotches. Yeah. Yep. Just being one with nature. That's it. Kyle, deep down though, the rhythm of the feet on a marathon run and the rhythm of the beat in your dirt circle, it's the same thing. It's the heart. It's the beat of the heart, guys. That's the drumbeat of life. Thank you so much.

You know, that's beautiful. Did you guys ever do the scrambled porn or what? Did you guys have that? Of course. Well, do it. Yeah. Yeah, do it. Like, you know. You mean shoot, shoot? Scrambled porn? No, like, did you watch it? Yes. Obviously. The Spice Channel. Where you eat eggs and watch porn. What?

Thank you. Thank you. Where you could cross your eyes and then, cause it would split it down the middle. So it'd be like the opposite sides. But if you crossed your eyes, it would line up kind of right. Yep. After like 10 PM, it'd still be like blurry. I feel like some like younger people don't even know what this is. So back in the day cable, there'd be like the went off cable turned off.

There was like, it was like channel 300 or something. And it was all scrambled porn. Spiced. And it would be like lines through it. And you could tell something's going on. And every once in a while it would reset and you would get to see, uh,

some hot hot cinemax porn action but sometimes they were like in like different colors like a light blue or like green or something like that but it was still coming in good enough to to go ahead and and it was weird how like different friends houses got worse or better signals so i remember my friend ryan he got like a great signal in his basement so it's just like 10 of us 13 year old boys just like kicking it in his basement just going like i think i saw one and

And to be clear, the audio was just regular. That's true. So you were hearing people fucking. Yep. But you just couldn't see it. Yep. You knew what the setting was. Like you could hear jail cell doors close. You could see a nipple. And you're like, oh, we're in a jail. Okay. I know what those bars are. It is mad erotic. You know where that's going, seven-year-old you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I hope I know where it's going because I know where I'm going.

Spice Channel, baby. I'm looking up Spice Channel merch. There is the sickest snapback. Oh, tight. Oh my gosh, 75 bucks. You need that. I might have to cop that. The Spice Channel. I remember rocking a Pornhub hat for like a week and then just being like, nah. Oh yeah. Spice Channel is way classier.

What if you didn't have to vote for, let's say, the current political climate, the Bidens of it all, the Trumps of it all. You're not voting for... There's two Trumps? Yeah, baby! The Trumps. Yeah, there's a bunch of them. Oh my fuck. You just voted for what you think they smelled like. So whoever you thought smelled the best. Ooh, that is a really good one. Oh, and we're dipping into all the candidates we've been seeing? Yeah.

You know Kamala smells good. I bet she smells real good. Fantastic. Yeah, she smells great. But I'm going for the guy who was like the governor of Montana. Is that Buttigieg? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Not that I know everything because I don't know this guy's name. What's wrong? What did I say? I think you just said the one you know. Yeah, I just said the coolest name. I don't know.

I vote for the coolest name as a new a check. Buttigieg was the Montana guy. The South Bend mayor. Yeah. South Bend mayor. And he's a put together gay dude. Yeah. You know, he's smelling good. Hello. Hell yeah. That's what I'm saying. I thought he smelled good. Oh, righty. I don't know if he smells great. I think he doesn't smell bad, but that dude from Montana smells great.

for sure. Who is this dude from Montana? I feel like people in Montana still wear a lot of cologne. Right. Like, I feel like a lot of the rest of the country was like... Cologne smells like shit. I don't think cologne smells good. At least we can agree on one thing. If it was by smell, we're not voting for Bernie. My God. It smells like mothballs. Bro.

I bet Biden smells pretty good. I bet he's got a good stink. There's no doubt in my mind he uses Brute. He's a Brute man. Brute's a good smell.

Here's the thing. I think you have to at least pass a sniff test when you're a politician. Like, what stinking ass politician? I've smelled Biden before and it smells pretty good. Yeah. I buy that. I believe that. He smells like soap. The guy's clean. You gotta smell clean. My gosh. If you stink like shit and you're kissing babies, like, get off my kid, dude. Well, see, I don't think Trump smells that good. You know that guy farts something wild. Yeah.

He eats a lot of fast food, and we all know what happens when you're eating all that KFC, dog. That guy eats a lot of fast food. I know that just escapes the butthole. You can't keep that trapped.

Dude, I have one thing from a fast food joint, and I'm just blowing up the joint. His fat ass? His dump truck butt? Hey, man, don't shit on dump truck butts, man. Yours is way tighter, bro. You've got skins. Hey, thanks, man. Wait till I'm the president of the United States when I'm 70. All righty then. And you see my fat ass? That's when I'm going to get deep into golf. Wow. I'm always out there golfing.

and also fuck rabbits I'll say it fuck rabbits okay you don't like rabbits if it attacks you you fuck it for sure you fuck it you put a finger in his ass and you stub your whole fist down his throat that's the only way you always put your finger in the ass of whatever's attacking you you stab it in the eyes shove your fist down his throat whatever finger its butthole you stab it in the eyes shove your fist down his throat finger its

butthole. That's how you get it off you. I'm pissed now! Whatever's attacking you in the wild, you gotta make sure to unbuckle the belt and pull down the pants and stick your finger up the butthole.

When we get back together, I do think it could make a fantastic episode if we all say we're not going to shower or wear deodorant that day and we smell each other's armpits and we just rank who's the fucking worst and who's the best. That's cool. I like that. I'm into that. Let's do that. I do not look forward to smelling Kyle's armpits.

I automatically know that's just going to be right. Yeah, baby. No, because you know what? I'm going to be like dialing in my diet now so that I smell better. Well, admittedly, you eat a lot of vegetables, right? Yeah, that's all I eat. Yeah, and that makes the worst, smelliest farts and probably... Right. Well, because of the fiber. Vegan farts are brutal. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, there's so much that goes into smell. I don't know if they smell worse than when I used to just rock Carl's Jr. and fucking have a burger or something. I really don't think so. Well, there's a difference between having a bad diet and eating meat and having a good diet. Sure. Like Carl's Jr. and eating like just their tacos and their, you know, shitty burgers. Tacos.

Tacos at Carl's Jr.? We used to eat a lot of Carl's Jr. tacos. That's Jack in the Box. Jack in the Box. Oh, Jack in the Box. Jack in the Box. I take it back. No, you're right. I mean, dude, I'm not talking shit on meat eaters at all. You know what I mean? It sounds like you're talking shit on Carl's Jr., bro. No, that was my first job. Much love. That was where I started besides the paper route. First, I was a paper boy, and then I worked at Carl's Jr., a specialist. Is that where the name Carl came from? Looking for a scoop. Where did the name Carl come from?

That was from Paul Myers. Oh, from Paul Myers. He got it messed up. He said, I was at my buddy's house and the phone rang and it was my mom. And then he said, Hey, is there a Carl here? Yeah.

And lived on forever. That's so tight. Guys, if you're listening at home, you got the scoop. Yep, that's it. Carl Hevichek. You got the scoop. Yeah, I think. But they put stuff in that food to make it smell a certain way. So then when you fart it, it's chemically designed and engineered to smell better than what God put on this earth to make vegan farts just funky as hell. Sometimes when the homie that just ate Carl's Jr. farts, it makes me hungry. Yeah.

All righty then. I would totally believe that that's a part of the company's research and development. Yeah, I want to get that R&D job where you just eat a ton of Carl's Jr. and then you sit in a room and they wait until you fart. Then they come in with a jar and capture it real quick.

They're like, yeah, that smells like a Western bacon. I'm hungry. Okay, this is a Western bacon cheese. Are you hungry? I'm hungry. Wow. What was the thing way back in the day where I wanted to capture David Boreanaz's fart in a jar? Oh, it was like a sketch. You worked on a set near him, so I think it was real.

I worked on Bones and he was on Bones, but we were doing sketches and I was like, I'm going to see if David Boreanaz will be down with this. It'll be us. That was like your first attempt at stunt casting. You wanted to do a whole sketch about capturing his fart and trying to sell it on eBay because you could get close to him. Yeah. And he always called me Big Dog because he didn't know my name, but Big Dog's arguably cooler than Andres. Yeah, Andres. Andres. Andres.

What's up, Drone Drates? Big Dog! My man. It felt good. It felt good. You walk on stage and all of a sudden somebody's saying Big Dog. Well, that's a good... Big Dog, I feel like I would have been... What's up, Little Dog? And Little Dog isn't... Little Scrappy? That's not as good of a nickname. Right. I love all nicknames. I take them... Like, if you call me Boss, if you call me...

My guy, like, it's all good, man. I like it. My guy is not a nickname. My guy is... The way people say it to me? I don't want to even waste my time remembering your name. Wait, what was your basketball nickname? I wanted to call you Fuzzbucket. Ponytail? Ponytail was my basketball name. Ponytail, over here.

I kind of feel like Guy is a good name. Calling it like naming your kid Guy. That's a fun name. Yeah. Yes. It's solid. What's up, Guy? It's okay. Guy Fieri. The only guy I know was from Final Fight, the video game. No, you know Guy Fieri, our hero.

This podcast. Right. You know Guy Pearce. Guy Pearce. I should say the first guy I ever knew was Guy from Final Fight, and I was in all the way. Guy is fucking dope. Are there any guys out there? Like young guy, like actor dudes who are like, what's up? I'm Guy. Welcome to my crib. We're just kind of sending out a signal for young guys if you're out there. This is important. Hear that? Pumpkin.

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