My AV Guy - John Alfano
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What's the AV budget? You're doing everything on a house. You know, the lighting, the cameras, the TV, the theater. Our entry-level jobs are around $300,000. Okay. And they go all the way up to about $6 million. Tosh Show! Tosh Show. Tosh Show for show. It's Tosh Show time!

Who's ready to be entertained? I am. I can't hear you. I am. You can do better than that. I want to be entertained. Schnauzagus. Schnauzagus. Schnauzagus. Hey, everybody. It's Schnauzagus. No.

Oh, Dylan, or who just got back from a cruise? Ooh, that had to be fun. I was on a cruise once for a week. Let me just... I'm learning new languages. Hey, Chanel's again. Shut up. No, I can't shut up. I'm Chanel's again. We have to sing it. You conjured me. Chanel's again. Chanel's again. Chanel's again. Chanel's again. Chanel's again. All right. Here's the thing people need to know. I'm almost 50. Eddie's over 50. And...

This guy, one time he created this character, and if you say his name, Schnauzagus, three times, he just starts talking like that until you sing his name five times to stop talking like that. These were the rules that he came up with, and...

It made our wives just furious. We just do it constantly. We just randomly say the name three times, and then Eddie would go into this character, much like Andy Kaufman, minus the success and everything else. But man, did it used to tickle me. It's a divorced dragon. What is it? What's the character? He's a divorced dragon father to Smoker, and sometimes he pulls his diaper off. Uh-huh. That's funny.

So there's the backstory to his character. It's Beetlejuice. Listen, we robbed. There's a lot of things that I'm sure stormed. Hey, I don't have any water today, you guys. What are you trying to do? You can't do a podcast without water. That's a rule. Now watch this. Magically.

Look at that. Water. The real time. I got to be careful how many times I say the word because he'll keep track over there and then that character comes out and you can't stop him. You can only sing him to sleep.

But I used to do it in the writer's room and nobody else knew about our little inside character that he had created. And it would just, you know, just throw everything off. I would just walk by the writer's room, say his name three times, and then just leave for 45 minutes. And I knew nothing was going to get done that day.

Those are good times. You watching the NBA finals, Ed? I am watching them. Who you rooting for? I mean, I can't root for Boston. So Dallas. You can't root for Boston. I like the city. Don't like the sports teams. Now I hate the sports teams for the most part as well. And I'm told as a Miami Heat fan that I have to hate the Celtics, but I don't actually hate the team. Yeah. And Dallas, now they've cost the Heat a title or two. Yeah.

So I could hate them. I don't, I mean, Kyrie Irving bothers me. I feel like every, every post game interview, some reporters, Hey, just, just check in. You still think the earth is flat and, and any, any hot takes on Gaza and then, and then move on to sports related questions. You just, you just can't, it's just unacceptable to ever believe the earth was flat for a second.

And if you do, then that should, for the rest of your life, he should be, oh, I was joking. Doesn't matter. Every question should be like, oh, before I ask you about your lack of playing well in this series, is the earth flat? And I don't like Luca's whining. That bothers me. Hard to cheer for. Boston, I don't hate the players, though.

I worry, I feel bad for the city because there's no real white person for them to cheer for. Although Porzingis, you know, when he's not hurt, technically he's kind of like two white people. He's so tall. So that's probably neat for their fans. And then they've got, what's his name? What's the little guy? Peyton Pritchard. Pritchard? Oh, yeah.

There should be a rule for him in the NBA that when he's playing in Boston, he's allowed to play with a cigarette in his mouth. That's what he looks like to me. Like he's just called off the street and like, I'll play basketball. Sure, give me the ball. I know how to shoot. That would be fun. And then what's his name? Derek White. I know he's not white, but. Counts for something. That probably ingratiates him with the city of Boston. I don't know who I want to win.

I just want the currently the series is let's see what is we're going to dub in something because right now it's two zero, but I'm this by the time this airs, it'll be either over or three one. I don't know. I tell you what all sports franchises need to consider.

relocating their team to Las Vegas. That's what I want. I want every team in every sport to be in Vegas. How's that sound, Eddie? It sounds great. Yeah. You want to go see live sports, you go to Vegas. They're still called the Boston Celtics, you know, the Boston Red Sox, but they play in Vegas. How about that play-in tournament in the NBA in Vegas?

They do that outside. You have to literally play to get inside. You win, you get to play in the AC. Lose, you're out in the 110. Oh, people will die. That was like that one finals game, the Heat versus the Spurs, when San Antonio didn't pay their AC bill. Yeah.

LeBron was just cramping up on the sideline. Popovich, huh? Ahead of his time. But I like the idea of all sports franchises being in Vegas. These cities don't have to dole out billions of dollars for their new stadiums. It's just in Vegas. It's fun. You go there, you watch, you cheer.

You lose money. The end. This makes Vegas relevant for the next century or so. And what are you going to do with the old stadiums? Yeah, you keep them. You have monster truck rallies, Trump rallies, Taylor Swift shows, whatever you do. I don't know. That's what stadiums are for. If you want to watch sports, you go to Vegas. I don't go. Do you go see sports live, Eddie? Every once in a while. Every once in a while.

That's a hard pass for me. I just want to stay home in front of my beautiful home entertainment system, which I paid way too much for. Got a thousand dollar remote control. Never works. Doesn't hold a charge. Always searching for a signal. Has to log into the internet before I can hit pause. It's infuriating. I got a million complaints.

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My guest today is the one I call when my smart home doesn't work. He's my neighbor. He's my AV guy. He's a longtime friend. Please welcome John Alfano. John, am I right? Is it John? Yep, still John. Still John. John. Are you a junior? I am. Your middle name is the same as your dad's, too? Yep. Oh, you're dead. You got a great father. I love your dad. I love your mom, too. You got great parents, yet you turned out kind of, eh.

It's very questionable, yes. How many siblings do you have? Younger sister and younger brother. And you're all extremely Italian. I already know where this is going, yeah. No, I don't. Yes, my dad's full-blown Italian and my mom's Hungarian. Your dad...

Vietnam veteran. Is he? Yep. Because he wears that hat. And I've never actually checked up to make sure it wasn't stolen valor. It's funny too because he never wore the hat until probably the last 10 years. He wears it every day of his life. Now he wears it every day. Is he doing it for free coffee? What's he doing it for? That's

Does he get free coffee when he wears that hat? He should. I bet he does. He should. All right, so your dad was an electrician. Yep. And then you became an electrician. Yep, worked for my dad. And then into that process, saw that I thought I saw the future, was going to technology.

Started hanging flat TVs when they came out and running speaker wires for people. And now you're an AV giant. Yes. And we'll get into how much money I wasted and everyone else in the world. How many times have you been electrocuted in your life? I couldn't even count. It's something you don't even keep track of. It's like how many times you misspelled something when you start writing a letter. Does it hurt? It's like juvenating. It's like juvenating for a second. Yeah.

Rejuvenating? Is that what you wanted to say? That's the word. Yes, rejuvenating. Okay. All right. It's electrifying. Oh. Yeah. So you've been electrocuted a lot. A lot. In terms of electricity, what's the most dangerous thing for someone to do themselves? Anytime you've got to take something out of the wall, you should call a professional because you have an opportunity to get shocked. So anything past changing your cover plates or changing a light bulb, you should probably call a professional. What about when you have to do that converter operation?

I watched you mess that up before. Yeah. Where you didn't have a convert. It was like 240 coming out or something. Oh, yeah, because if you get shocked by 240 versus like 120 that's cut out the walls, like that's a little bit different of a shock. Well, you didn't get shocked, actually. You just plugged in my beautiful chandelier and it was 240 and every bulb just like went. Just exploded? Just went. And I was like, what in the. Like a firework show? You're like, this isn't 120? And I'm like, I don't fucking know. Yeah.

That was in my office. Oh, that was 277. That's what that was. Yeah, that was commercial electricity. Yeah, I think we fried a couple things. Yeah,

Now, you are born and raised in Los Angeles. Correct. And we met down in Hermosa Beach at the Kami Magic Club after a show. I was a young kid at the time. I had just moved to South Bay. And then you're like, hey, I can hang a TV or something. I don't know what I said. Yeah. And I was like, come over to my house. I got work for you already. I had no money, but I had a little—I had bought a house, my first home.

in South Bay with all the money that I made from Taco Bell commercials. That was how I got to move down there. Yeah. I think the only reason you talked to me is because I was with my girlfriend, but she had like four of her girlfriends with us. Yeah. So you were like, oh, and then we went out. But the thing was, you know, that is true. But you know, your wife's older sister was with you guys that night too. Nikki was there too? Yeah. She's like, I bet you can't tell which one of us is older. I'm like, I can tell you're older.

How much does Heather weigh? I mean,

How much does she weigh? Yeah. 115 pounds. Oh, interesting. I just think that's a funny question for her if she's listening. Did he just ask how much I weigh? You're a partner at A.H.T. Global. What's A.H.T. stand for? Advanced Home Theater. You're basically Geek Squad for the super rich. We're like Geek Squad for the 1% of the 1%ers. Ooh. Wow. If it's technology related, everything from internet and cameras and

TVs and speakers and lighting and shades. Right now, the coolest thing we're doing are the LED walls. LED walls. So there's no screen. There's no television. It's just the full wall is an LED wall. Full wall. Any size you could do, any shape you could do, and it's the full wall. It's like a Las Vegas sports book when you walk in. So you can watch

One thing at one time. And you can watch it all in 4K? 4K. It's, yeah. And then it never turns off. Like you make it so it never turns off. So there's not like a black wall. It literally turns into like interactive art or something. So there's like interactive art when it's off. You can watch stuff through it. It's cameras, you know. Can you divide it up and like not make it as the full screen? Yeah. Watch something small, do 10 things at one time.

Some houses like in basements that are windows. It's pretty cool. TVs have gotten really cheap though, haven't they? TVs are like the stock market. Like when they come out, they're expensive for like a couple of weeks and then they drop. And about every six months, there's like a new line coming in. You fought me. You were trying to put TVs in every room of my house or at least the wiring. I said, don't, I don't need it.

I go, the future, we're not going to need actual hardwired TVs. And was I right? Yeah, you're the first friend and client I know that carries a TV around in a suitcase. Oh, the LG. Yes. By the way, I've seen that one pop up on some of these blogs lately, and it's more expensive than the one I bought or when it first came out. I got it for like 800 bucks a year ago.

I love that thing. You haven't seen it yet. You'll like it. How many studs do you need to hit for it to be strong enough to hold one of these TVs up with these brackets? Just one. One stud? They recommend two, but one stud will do. If you just hit one bolt, one stud, that's strong enough. Yeah. I mean, there's some times we do it just with drywall with just the regular anchors and stuff. Well, that's because TVs have gotten light. Like when plasma TVs first came out, they were like 300 pounds.

Oh, I had one of those old Sonys. Yeah. Like, I mean, it's like... I think... Eddie, is that Sony still hanging? No, that thing died. It was heavy. Just getting it off the mount was like, oh, my God. Yeah, that was a heavy TV. Holy shit. You know, Danny Villa, man, he still gets mad at you over thinking that you hung a TV in his apartment crooked. And this might have been 20...

20 years ago, and he won't let it go. He still is like, he ripped me off, man. That TV was crooked. What kind of budget are people putting in for, let's just start with a theater? So, you know, the glass ceiling for like a super, super high-end theater with like DCI, which is first-run movies that you have like in movie theaters.

If you want to watch them day in, the day they come out. What? People do this? This is people in Hollywood. There's an eclectic group of people in Hollywood who can't go to movie theaters. They have the stuff in their house.

Just because they can't go to the theaters doesn't mean they can't wait fucking three weeks. But if you're an executive, you need to be watching stuff. Fine. How much does that cost? Just the entry level for that, just the equipment, just for that, not building out the room and stuff, is half a million dollars. Right? Just for video equipment, the projector, and all that type of stuff. Then once you put speakers and build the room out, you're usually about a million to a million five. For their home theater? For a home theater in somebody's house. Woo-hoo-hoo!

Those are big numbers. Those are big numbers. My theater that you built out for me, the fan on it is so loud. On the projector. On the projector. That's because you have a laser projector.

right like there's like a laser in there so that's it's cooling it's cooling everything i don't give a fuck it's loud yeah well you have a laser sitting over your head so yeah i'll tell you what the problem too is is like within six months you're like well yeah that's you should replace that and i'm like what i thought you know i thought i was gonna have that forever there's new tech like every year right like look at think about your phones and that type of stuff um

If you're buying like top-notch stuff now, you can kind of future-proof yourself for about six to eight years. You can future-proof yourself for eight years? Yes.

But if you take things that aren't as new and stuff like that, and you go like to the mid tier and that type of stuff, I mean, it's like every two years. What about security cameras? What do you, what are you spending on people's security systems? We're doing somebody's house right now that we're spending in Malibu, like a million dollars on security cameras. Just on the camera? Just throughout the house. Is that P Diddy? No. Okay.

All right. So you're a million on cameras. But the camera world has changed because like now everything has AI built into it. So the cameras literally have like facial recognition software, pull the guy in wearing a blue shirt, like save people, license plate readers, suspicious activity. You can like drop a bag, like circle something in the camera and it'll like take you around the entire house every time that like object was somewhere and build a story. Huh.

It's not like a security guard really sitting behind a booth anymore. So if you need content, you can get it. Is it wasted money making your home a smart home? The answer to that for me, and not because I want to sell you, the answer is no, because everything goes smart, right? Like look at the evolution of cell phones. Look at the evolution of Bluetooth speakers and everything you have. If you buy a standalone air conditioning unit, it has an app that you can control from your phone.

So you're going to be able to control everything in your house. And if you have a larger home, just picture like if you lived in a 20,000 square foot house, how long it would take you to turn off the lights. I can't imagine that. I mean, because I live in a tiny 8,000 square foot house.

I just can't imagine 20,000 square feet. Who would need such, such riches? Now I hate, I hate almost everything, but I will admit you, you talk me into stuff. And then I say, yes, I will say that when everything works the way it's supposed to, I love it. I couldn't agree with you more. It makes life easier using your phone, turn on all your dumb lights and turn stuff off. And what else? I like to be able to turn my jacuzzi on with a phone.

Because it takes about 30 minutes to heat up. So you like to do it before you get home. What's the AV budget? You're doing everything on a house. You know, the lighting, the cameras, the TV, the theater. Are you like, oh, we're not a company that can do starting less than what?

I think our entry-level jobs are around $300,000. Okay. And they go all the way up to about $6 million. Okay. Now, you and your company, you have all my passwords to my cameras. Correct.

And Wi-Fi. And my Wi-Fi. And Apple iTunes account. And you have to vouch for everyone that works for you? Yeah. Something bad is going to happen. There's like a security protocol that everything sits underneath that anytime you log into these things, it makes a carbon footprint of who looked at it and how long. So we know when people are looking at this. How often are you guys just watching me and my wife walking around making love in every room?

Huh? You guys watch that? No? No. What's the most insane? I mean, like, you're walking into people's homes and they're doing God knows what. I'm sure you've seen some awful things or some exciting things. Being involved, like, in the technology in the house and you're pretty intimate with the family because of passwords and setting stuff up and music and all that kind of stuff. Yeah.

you know, there's been times where like clients will get a divorce and it's like, I don't, they got to be locked out. Like, I don't want so-and-so coming back and, oh, they got access on their phone. You got to turn their access off or like, who's got access to the cameras. So you're doing that stuff. Yeah. And it's like, you know, sometimes I'm like, have the lawyer call me and work it out. Like who, like who gets me in the custody? You know, like who, who gets the house and who's allowed to see my kids are in that house. Like I got to see, you know, I don't care that I'm not living there. You're logging people out.

Oh, that's good stuff. That's fun. Yeah. What's the most common gate code people are using? Actually, the most common codes that people will use is their phone number or their address. What about password? Password, it gets used a lot. What about 007? You always have 007 in yours. Now everybody knows my password.

Well, I shouldn't. Why do I know your password? Because a lot of you set them up and they're like, oh, it's just try password 007. I'm like, all right. Try 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0. If that doesn't work, try 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. I'm like, God damn it. Where's the craziest place you've ever hidden installed a camera for a client? Let me think about it. See, I don't have any of my nanny cams on your system.

They're all not Wi-Fi because I'm just terrified of somebody hacking into it or talking to my children. You ever seen those videos where people hack into those and they start talking to the kids? Listen, that's one thing everybody has to remember. Anything that's on the internet is hackable.

What's the craziest place you've ever hidden a camera for a client? So not that I've put it in like at a specific location, but I've like anything weird that anybody's requested. But I did have this one client and like we put 80 cameras in the inside of his house.

Minus the bathroom. Like an only fans person? It's just like, he was like, and it was weird. He, okay. He, and it was a big house. Athlete? No, no, no. Actor? Nope, nobody of that nature. Business? Somebody with money, business. Business. Somebody with money. In California? In California. Uh-huh. Now-

He had like 80 cameras on the inside of the house. Uh-huh. Big house. Yeah. He was the only person who lived there. Yeah. It was like... He was like spying on his staff. Okay. Like, oh, I want to make sure they made that bed up in the guest bedroom that nobody sleeps in type of thing. Like, it was just...

Paranoid, maybe? And they look like motion, like alarm sensors he made us put in. You work in Aspen a lot. Yep. The airport's terrifying to fly into. It's the worst airport to get in and out of. Well, it's not. It's just scary because they have to drop into it, and then they have to take off like a rocket ship to get out of it. And if there's like wind, like 12 miles an hour, they won't do it. Do you like the homes? Are the rich people in Aspen better or worse than the rich people in Malibu? They're the same people.

It's just their Aspen house or Malibu house or their New York house or their Florida house. Hey, you met your hero once, didn't you? Before he died. Yeah. So one of my cooler experiences I got to meet James Gandolfini. He called me to do some work.

And the first time I met him, it was like at his house in Beverly Hills. I show up. He's got a full on, opens a door, full on jumpsuit. And he was like, yeah, I got this, I got this box in the garage. I want you to check out. It's got my two channel system. I love two channel hi-fi audio. So we go to his garage. Guy grabs a crowbar. It's in like, like a wooden crate. And he's like prying open and like, like cussing, like opens up. And I'm like, dude, I'm in, I'm in a garage with Tony Soprano in a jumpsuit. And he's got a crowbar in his hand, open up a box. Like I was like,

This is fucking awesome. That's pretty neat. And he died like a month later. It was literally like in that timing of things. You think it had anything to do with the crowbar? No, no, no. Okay. Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely not. No. Yes, you do. No, I'm not stupid. There's no such thing as fucking ghosts. What about the Holy Ghost?

You already know where I stand on that. No. Oh, you don't believe in that? I thought your Italian roots would trump that. Which is ironic, but no. Let's talk Tahoe for a second. You came to visit me in Tahoe, you and your wife. And this was a long time ago. And your wife was very pregnant with your firstborn son. Yep. Okay. I'll let you take over the story from there. So we're on vacation with you. And...

The snow conditions weren't that good that year. They were shit. They were up. We were up there and it was like... And you're one of these people. I'm like, I got to go snowboarding if we're here. And then nobody wanted to go. Because it was shit. Because there was... It was icy and there was no good snow. So I decided to go by myself. You went to North Star. Went to North Star by myself. You rode the backside, which is all black diamonds. All black diamond. And I ate shit and woke up four days later. Okay. All right. Let's... So...

I'm with his extremely pregnant wife. And, you know, you're not supposed to ride alone. Everyone knows that. You're not supposed to ski alone. You're not supposed to snowboard alone. And he kept going, like, let's go. I'm like, it's not in the cards, buddy. The snow is bad. I don't want to go ride on ice. It's not fun. So he goes alone because he's one of these guys that's like, you know, goes to Disney. He's like, well, we get there at 10 o'clock and we leave at midnight. I got to get every dollar's worth. You know what I'm talking about? All right. Yeah. So...

I'm in this house. We get a phone call and it's, uh, it was like, I was like, what in the world? And it was like, I don't know how they got my phone number. I think. No, they called Heather. They were calling your wife. Yeah. Cause your wife was in the shower. Okay. I remember this. Oh, cause I remember the water pouring down her body.

when I gave her the good news that her husband was dead. No, but she was in the shower. That's right. So her phone kept ringing and I answered because it had been a bit and I'm like, we haven't heard from John and it like said police department or hospital or something. So I answered it and they're like, um,

there was an accident, uh, John's and the hospital. And then I was like, wait a second. Are you? And I was like, is this hospital in Reno? And I'm like, Oh shit. Which is always the irony. If you get really hurt in beautiful Tahoe, you wake up in Reno. Oh,

And that's a bitter pill. I have to tell his wife, I have to get her out of the shower. And like, I went in there and I whipped open the shower and she's like, Daniel, no. And I said, we've got it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Those details are blurry. I was, I was like, hey, there's an accident. We got to go to the hospital. Now your wife is a nurse. So she's, you know, she's not...

She was a little panicked because they wouldn't give any information until you guys got there. Right. You're in a coma for four days, by the way. Yep. When you woke up and you just saw all of us there. No. So when I woke up, the first person who I saw was my mom. Yeah. Which I'm like. That didn't make sense to you. I'm like, oh, this isn't good. Like, oh, she wasn't on vacation with us. I was like. And I remember looking down at my toes and then falling kind of back asleep. But I was like.

All right, this is not good. I remember seeing your penis in the hospital. Oh. Oh, God, you're hairy. You're just a hairy man. I don't remember it. I was like, you know what? You should always kind of trim up just in case you go into a coma. Ever since that conversation, I've kept myself on a number one. The ironic thing is you own a St. Bernard, don't you? I do. A mountain dog that could save your life. I never even thought of that. You fucked everyone's vacation up. What?

With your selfishness. I mean, I got airlifted like in a helicopter. I know, you don't remember it. I don't know, I don't remember it. You know, it was, they put you in a coma. You didn't put yourself into it because you were being so combative. I couldn't remember anything. Well, that was the story they gave us. Did you think at that moment though? That I was gonna raise your son? Yeah, did it ever flash through your mind? No, I mean, I certainly wasn't gonna let your brother do it. Imagine how much better your son's life would have been had I been his father.

You ever think about that? He got so close. Oh, he got so close. We partnered in on something, and then I was like, you got to move to Malibu. And you're like, fine. And you moved to Malibu. And now you're the president of the Little League in Malibu. You're friends with Iron Man and his whole family. What a different direction your life took. Because when I first met you, you just lived under the airport. Yeah.

What was that? Where was that house? Westchester. Westchester. Yeah. Those were fun nights when I'd be sleeping and you'd be coming back from the comedy club and knock on my window at like 2 a.m. And I'd answer the door.

And you'd throw like dog shit off the lawn, like in a bag. Oh, in a bag. Yeah, in a bag. I picked up after your dogs. Yeah, you'd like throw it at me or my wife or she was my girlfriend at the time. She wasn't your wife. By the way, your wife that you married was, you had a crush on her in high school, but she didn't like you at all. Is that correct? She either had a boyfriend or I had a girlfriend. So we didn't date in high school. But she wasn't interested in you.

I don't know. Still to be determined. I don't know if she's interested in me now still. All right. But then you guys ended up getting together. And when I met you, you guys were a couple. And there was a... How long did you guys have that separation for? Was that a year? Was that two years? How long was that? About a year or two years. Oh, we call those the good times. Oh, that was... Yeah. That was a... I had to pick sides. Your friends break up and you have to... So I sided with her because she had more girlfriends than me.

John and I would hang out occasionally. But then you guys got back together, then you got married, and now you have three beautiful children. Yep. One of them's such a bitch. But...

They're all beautiful. But one of them, good God, I don't want to tip who it is. Today is, you know, today's my anniversary. What anniversary? Uh-huh. No. Yeah. Congratulations. How many years? Eight years. Eight years. And you know what? I'm going to tell you this, honestly. Okay. You know about the seven-year itch? No. The seven-year itch is like, it's where people say like, that's about the time that you want to cheat on your significant other. The seven-year itch...

Not as bad as the eight-year itch. The eight-year itch is strong. Got a scratch. What's the biggest lie you've ever told Heather? Preferably something she still doesn't know about. Do you want to answer this? Don't answer it, you psychopath. You're probably going to get yourself into so much trouble. You ever banged one of your customers? Don't answer. I can't. True or false? I've had anal with your mother-in-law.

I've known John for 20 some odd years, whatever.

And for some reason, I've always just made this joke about his wife at the time. I think at the beginning of the joke, it was just his girlfriend. Yes. About, oh, I'd always hook him. It was kind of like a Deez Nuts joke. I'd be like, hey, John. I'd see him. I'd go, hey, John, what's going on? He's like, nothing. I go, oh, man, you won't believe this. He's like, what? And I'm like, I just finished having anal with your mother-in-law. And it was just one of those things that I would do for years and years and years. The sad part is how many times I fell for it.

I literally would fall for it all the time. And then when you would look at me and go, Bonnie? Oh, Bonnie. Bonnie. Oh, good old Bonnie. The thing is, I'm going to say it now. I never actually had anal with her. I remember when you moved in next to me and my gardeners came over to do your yard and

haggled with them for so long. And I was like, bro, just fucking pay them whatever. And you're like, no, no, I have to let them know that I'm not like a real Malibu person. Like I'm a, I'm a working class person that just lives out here. I, I'm like, God damn it. Fucking John. They're going to fucking do a shitty job on my house now. Anyway, you, you fired them, I think. Yeah. Then I found somebody to work for my prices and then they didn't do anything. And I ended up doing half of it myself. Yeah.

Then my pool guys started coming over and cleaning your jacuzzi. And you're like, one day you just said, hey, can you just teach me how to do it so I don't have to pay you? And he's like, yeah, sure. I'll teach you how to do it. Yeah. That's what he did. He did. And he was like, usually I come in your backyard and play with your dog for about 10 minutes. And then I just sprinkle this out of here and I'm out of here. It's pretty easy, dude. See, I like it because I like the company. I like all these people that know my gate codes.

I have separate gate codes for staff and then gate codes that's my personal one. But I've forgotten my personal ones. I only use the one that I know. Yeah. Anyway. You're also the president of the Malibu Little League. That I am. Why? Apparently, I like...

Apparently like a lot of drama. I mean, that's just nonsense to deal with those people. It's insane. Listen, I like the kids and I like the sports, but... Did you play baseball growing up? Nope. Nope.

Which is even funnier. No, I did play baseball. But Gianni liked it. Next thing I know, I'm the president. And now I take parents' phone calls at night about everything. All right, I got to give you some gifts. Anybody that comes on my show, they get gifts. And I already know that you're my size. So these are some Italian sneakers. They got the Italian flag on them. Oh. You'll like them. That's awesome. They're real Italian. You like those. You and I have been giving me shoes for years, but never with an Italian flag on them. Look at this jumpsuit.

Now, this jumpsuit right here has only been worn in one scene of the new TV show I shot called The Goat, and it's been dry cleaned professionally. But I think you're the only one I know that will wear something that fucking hideous. These are Italian. Are those slippers? No, they're shoes. Oh, those are cool. Yeah, I know. You'll wear them. You know I'll wear all this shit. This is so obnoxious. These are hideous, but they've never been worn. They've never been on my feet. But you like ugly shit.

Are these, these are Kyrie's? I don't know. Is that what they are? Yeah. These are Kyrie's. Why do you say Kyrie like that? You don't say Kyrie? Kyrie? Kyrie.

Get this off my fucking table. What do you think of that stupid globe in Vegas? Does that blow your mind? It's like, that's like the pinnacle. Is that your heaven? Oh, it's everything. That's $5 billion worth of technology. Like the most transcending experience you could have for life. Did you go there? I haven't gone yet. Oh, what the fuck's wrong with you? Yeah. That's your thing. Well, because U2's been playing there. I'm not a huge fan. I was like, I wanted to see who was going to play next. Oh. Yeah. Who would you like to see there? Bruce Springsteen? Yeah.

Who would you want to see there? I don't know. What's your music? I don't even know what kind of music you like. I don't know what music is either. You listen to hip-hop, don't you? I listen to hip-hop. I listen to hip-hop. You listen to sports. Let's talk about your sports because you're a bullshit sports person. No, I'm an L.A. guy. Yeah. I'm from L.A., a true L.A. fan. Yet you...

Used to say you were a diehard 49ers fan. When we had no team. No, you had a team. You had the Raiders and you had the Rams in your lifetime. I never knew you when the Raiders and Rams were here. I don't care if you knew me. Yes. You liked the 49ers because you were a front-running kid. Because I liked Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. Right. We all did.

But you don't call them your team. Yeah. So you call them your team, and then once L.A. Rams started getting good, you're like, oh, I'm a Rams fan. And now that the Chargers are kind of hot, you're like— I'm not a Chargers. I'm a Rams fan, a Dodger fan, and a Lakers fan. You're a diehard Lakers fan. You know that. Uh-huh. We've had many Kobe arguments over the years. Sure. Who's the greatest Laker of all time? Kobe Bryant. No, it's LeBron James.

How is LeBron James not the greatest Laker? I mean, I'm not saying that this particular moment of his career, but is LeBron James not universally considered a better basketball player overall than Kobe Bryant? Yes. Okay. And they were both Lakers, so therefore that means— What did LeBron do for the franchise? What did Kobe do? Kobe won five championships for the Lakers. He won a Lakers championship, that bullshit bubble thing. Yeah, whatever. We'll take it.

He keeps us even with Boston. Did you have a parade for that dumb bubble year? We weren't allowed to leave our houses. And you think Kobe's better than Magic and Kareem? Growing up, like I've watched Magic, loved Magic, but like the journey Kobe took us on. Oh, the journey. Kobe, when fucking Kobe died, like I've never cried that much over a grown man I never met in my life. And I wouldn't have felt the same way against Magic. You know where I was when Kobe Bryant died? It was the craziest thing.

I was surfing in Fiji. I was in the middle of the ocean. A boat had taken me and this Pete was with me. He was on the boat getting seasick, puking like a fucking idiot. And I'm surfing in the middle of the ocean. We get back to the boat and that's how big of a news with these guys that didn't...

Speak English, you know, Bula, Kobe Bryant. They just heard over the radio, Kobe Bryant died. And I'm like, oh, he's played basketball. They didn't even know who he was. But it was, it just spread. But it came to our boat. That's crazy. In the middle of the ocean in Fiji. I actually, that morning, Gianni got invited to a birthday party. Mm-hmm.

I drove over the hill. So I drove through that fog over Canaan. You're a liar and have revisionist history. It probably was like three days later and you're just retelling the story. I remember the fog. No, I remember it because I'm there. Heather texts, calls me and she's crying. She's like, Kobe died. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like in a helicopter crash. Then I looked it up and it was like three miles from where I was. We were in Calabasas.

I fucking drove over there. Oh yeah. That's how I effed up. I like drove over there. I was sitting there with all this traffic with a bunch of people looking like zombies. Like, what are we doing? What were you going to do? I don't know. I just, I had my son with me and I'm like, let's go. You brought your son to help Kobe. I don't know. I was like, I was in such shock, man. That's fucking the worst parenting I've fucking have ever heard in my life. Hey, there's a, there's dead people over here. Let's, let's go check it out. Do you recommend living next door to a comedian prone to tomfoolery? Yeah.

Only if you want to be fucked with your entire life, right? Like how many times have you like hit in my garage? And like, I just like walk in the middle of the day to like, it wasn't like, oh, I'm going to work. You'd like be in there and be like, and make me shit my pants almost or something. I do enjoy scaring people. It's always been my thing. A good healthy scare you'd always get me on. There was a time where like, I was like walking out of my house. You scared me. Like, I think I dropped my brand new iPhone on the ground. Like, yeah.

The funnier thing, though, is like, think about like how you were with my kids when they were younger before you had kids. Like you would come over and Gianni would be like... Well, you're just not next to me anymore. That would still be going on. But right now, you won't finish your goddamn construction. Yeah, you'd like walk in and be like, oh, do you eat dessert? Like, I'm gonna eat the rest of your brownie. And they'd be like...

We had to explain to the kids that like you were like a character, like, oh, it's like the cat in the hat's coming over. It's Daniel, our neighbor. He's like, like he's up to no good. One time I, well, yes, but so once you started, you guys started calling me, the kids started calling me cat in the hat. I came over to your house one time and I had put a piece of cake on my head and I had a hat over it.

And then I just sat down and I took my hat off and then I just started eating cake. And they thought it was the greatest thing they'd ever seen in their lives. They're like, this guy is amazing. He's got cake on his head. But that's mostly just because you love dessert. I have a sweet tooth. My family knows it. Like what, Heather, they made some chocolate cake? The other night, I don't know, it was late at night. I get a text from your wife, just beautiful tit shot. She's like,

No. She doesn't send those to me anymore. No, she doesn't send them to me. She says, hey, have you had dessert yet? And I'm like, oh, this is the best text in the world. And I'm like, yes, but that doesn't mean anything. And she's like, okay, I'm coming over. So she comes over and she had made a new –

Pudding chocolate cake. And rarely, rarely do I like other people's idea of what they think is a good dessert. But that was heaven. She knew it was just enough undercooked that you would be all about it. I was good. The problem was, and I'm going to now to complain, she brought a carton of ice cream with it.

And then my wife goes, oh, we'll just take just like, we don't need your whole carton. My wife just like scooped like one small bowl full of ice cream. And I'm like, what the fuck are we? Now, the next two days, I still had this whole cake and I had no ice cream. But that wasn't, not only was that your second dessert of the day, didn't you have dessert at lunch? Well, I have dessert after each meal. Do you think that's why you shit your pants so much? Yeah. Yeah.

Like, I remember when I was moving to Malibu and you were like, all right, so like, here's the things you need to know. Like, this is where you go eat. And then you were like, and when you're on PCH, and if you got to go to the bathroom, all the porta potties are on the ocean side. Right there on the ocean side, every, every, about almost every half mile you can get a party. Man, that one near winding trail, which is on the other side happened to be, thank God it was opened at this hour one night. Cause I, I barely got inside of there before all hell broke loose.

And I was sitting there like, why are you telling me all the bathroom? Just in case you can't shit. I'm like, most of us don't shit our pants. I'm like, you and like my father-in-law, the only two people I know. Oh, your father-in-law shit his pants at your, at your, well, not a wedding. It was that in Cabo. Cabo at Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving, he shits his pants at the restaurant. Oh, it's the best. It was the best Thanksgiving ever. Oh, speaking of alt-right. Um,

I have to bring this up because I get a lot of grief on my show because people always, because I'm such a disgusting Democrat. But people need to know that I hang out with all walks of life. Now you, I consider you all right, not just because of your haircut, but because you stormed the castle January 6th. Did you not? Yes or no? No. No. Okay. Okay.

There was a time that you liked DeSantis, which I thought almost made me want to stab you in the throat, but I didn't. I turned a blind eye. Look at this. Two people from, he's from California. I'm from Florida. And boy, politically, politically, you and I do not see eye to eye. And we flip-flopped. I call everyone all right now if they don't believe in everything I believe in. You drive a Tesla, which is an all right vehicle now, and you have Florida plates.

Fucked you up Florida plates. It's a company car. We're Florida-based, the company. So we have offices for all clients all across the United States. Was that car ever in Florida? Yeah, that car came from Florida. You drove a Tesla across the country? They shipped it out. Yeah, they shipped it for you. All right. I was like, why does my neighbor have a Tesla with Florida plates on it? I never understood that. What is LeBron James' address? What?

No comment. Do you have more athletes or entertainment, like film television stars? Is athletes more your bread and butter? Here in LA, mostly entertainment. Mostly entertainment. Mostly entertainment with some athletes, but then sprinkled across the country, more athletes than entertainment. Any politicians? No. Did work for some...

Who's the vice president? Who's the vice president? Kamala? Yeah. So I didn't work for her, but her neighbor's house next door. So anytime she's in town, like there's a whole like barricade you have to get through when you go to that up that street in Brentwood. I'll say where she lives. She lives in Brentwood. Jesus. Fucking alt-right. This is the alt-right shit. This is the alt-right shit I have to deal with. I'm going to put your father on blast for his stolen valor.

Well, John, I'm sure Heather will be very upset with me when this airs. But thank you for being on the show. Thank you. All right, buddy. All right.

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I want to thank John for being on the podcast. If I had a nickel for every time something went wrong with my AV system and he quickly got there to fix it, I would have a nickel. Check this out. I got an email randomly from someone that worked at Northstar, the ski resort where John had his accident.

They randomly wrote to us. They said, hey, this is Russ. I'm enjoying the podcast. Interesting and funny as hell. Don't change a thing. Okay, we won't. I do have an amusing Tosh story. About 12, 13 years ago, Tosh was in Tahoe for a show. I was living there, but whatever. I did have a show. Had a group of friends riding at North Star. One of them completely wrecked himself. I was one of the ski patrol supervisors working there. He ended up, we ended up flying his buddy off the hill in a medevac helicopter.

Oh, man. Later that day and the next, our ski patrol dispatcher asked me to talk to someone on the phone wanting to know the details of the crash. Anyway, the person said they were Tosh's agent or manager or something, wanted to know what happened, indicated that Daniel wants to know so that he could make fun of his friend.

That doesn't sound right at all, but maybe. It caused me great displeasure to tell them I could not due to HIPAA laws and North Star's policy. He was sure that I was going to use the details to make fun of him in one of my South Lake shows. Anyway.

He said, whoever it was, they were relentless. Called like three times. That is truly relentless. And he goes, anyways, hope the friend recovered fully. Eh, that's nice. I mean, I guess he did. I mean, who knows? I don't know if his, I don't, I probably didn't know him well enough to know that if his personality was slightly altered. You like that? Oh, what's that? This is my new pen. This is from the Boulevard Penthouses at, uh,

Where is it? Where do we work? The Cosmopolitan. I stole one of your pens already, Cosmo. Come check me out in Vegas, and maybe I'll give you my pen. I don't know. I got other shows coming up. You know we're going to be in New Orleans? Carl, do you know about that? You love New Orleans, don't you? You just love the rich culture. What else do we have? Oh, we're going to be in Hawaii.

In Maui? In Honolulu? That'll be fun. Come spend your Thanksgiving with us. I won't be bringing Carl because I'm pretty sure Hawaii still has too many loopholes to jump through to bring the dogs. So I just leave them at home. They're happier anyway. Mahalo for your patience. What else? BoysWearPink.com and The Goat wrapping that season up. Can't wait to have exciting news about The Goat 2.

I don't know. You got excited too? I have no idea if they're picking this show up. Anyway, we got a bedtime story. Let me tell you this too. My son this week, just on a tangent, just constantly, and then he knows he has to go to sleep when the story is done. So he's like a bad improv troupe.

Yes, anding me to death. But it's just, and then, and then. You think it's over, right, Carl? You need to be groomed. What's going on in your world, Carl? You don't want to tell people about that dead rat you ate? Ugh. I was like, where? I was like, oh, I got to go pick up this dead rat. Oh, that's gone. Oof. Yeah. Yeah. See you next week. Once upon a time in a so, so long way, the woods.

was these little mouth tickers. And then every day the baby mouse would go out. Big, big, big bear would kiss up to him. And, yep, I told you it was similar. And every day he would say, do you want to race? And then they raced. And then the baby...

I want the baby, lover. I want the baby. And then the baby won. And then everybody cheered for them. They went back home. They had a dance dinner. And then in the morning, and then the bear said, it's been a long time. Do you want to race? And then they raced. And then the bear said,

trip and sell and then the baby won and then there was so much out and then someone had knocked it on the door.

And they opened the door up, and it was a big, big, bad wolf. And then he listened, and then he told us about this. And he said, wake up. And he said to eat people. But we're not people. We're fools.

And there's a bus, and there's a boo-boo-boo-boo, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's a little boy, and there's

And then they laughed and laughed. And there was a bull, and there was a big cheetah, and a leopard corn. And they said, what's your picture with the bag of lackeys? And they all cried and laughed and laughed. And then the wolves ate them.

Okay. What...

I just want to go to bed. But this one's story needs to be long. This story is so long. It's the longest story I've ever heard. It'd be short sometime, but I want it to be long. Yeah, that story's so long. And then it says seven, eight, nine. The end. Okay.

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