#2684 Southern Charm S10E05: The Taming of the Crew
01:11:08 Share

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappin's ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Behind every BP fill-up, thousands of people across America go to work every day. People producing energy offshore. People turning it into products at our refineries. People doing R&D to make products that are better for your engine. People trading and shipping fuels to their destinations. And the people who help you at one of BP's growing family of retail stations.

They're part of the more than 300,000 jobs BP supports across the country. Learn more at BP.com slash investing in America. Hotels.com knows that planning your book club's annual field trip can get chaotic. Ria, the romance reader, wants to stay in Prince Charming's castle. Self-improvement Steve needs a hotel gym. Lila and Jeff, the horror fans, ghosted the group chat about budget.

And you've read enough true crime to know that murdering them isn't a real option. With the Hotels.com app, invite all your friends to collaborate and find the perfect hotel together. Share properties, vote on your favorites, and book all in one place. Find your perfect somewhere with Hotels.com.

Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today is the irrepressible and wonderful Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Well, hello, Ben. How are you?

I am doing very nicely. I'm feeling I'm still down here in Oceanside, California. I'm going to actually head back up to Hollywood after this. Just want to give like a really deeply heartfelt thank you to everyone who has been expressing concern and reached out to both of us about the wildfires happening in Los Angeles. We're both really, really lucky in that we're okay and that our houses are okay and

I mean, you know, it's not over. So like knock on wood, but it's really scary. And again, our hearts really just go out to everyone who was really impacted by those wildfires. But thank you so much for everyone who's like checked in on us. That was just really, it feels great to feel the community kind of like, you know, truly. I was going to say reach around. Give us a reach around. You guys, thanks for the community reach around. Yeah.

I mean, it is so great to climax without even having to do anything during this time. Also,

Moving on. We have the crappies coming up very soon. So we're really excited about that. We're putting a lot of work and effort into that. And we think we're going to have, no, we know we're going to have a really great show for you guys. We have really exciting lineup of people already coming. This is, I would say this might be our biggest, biggest crappies we've ever had. So go to watch crappies.com to both vote because the vote, the ballot is open and it's really fun to vote on, but also get your tickets and,

And also, last night, Ronnie and I recorded a recap of the first two episodes of The Traitors on our bonus episode. We didn't do all three because we just didn't have time. I mean, I watched the third episode, but we just didn't have time to watch all three before recording. So that third episode will be attached to the episode four recap next week. Oh, my God. The Traitors, so good. So glad to have it back. So go check that out on our Patreon, patreon.com slash watch where crap ends.

Yes, very good. And then we are going to be in San Francisco and Denver in like two weeks from today. San Francisco and San Diego. Yeah. Yes, and then after that, Salt Lake City and Denver, right? Yes. Right. So yeah, a bunch coming up. So go check it out at our website, watchourcrappins.com. We're also on video today for Crappins on Demand on Patreon. So let's get moving, buddies. Boom.

Okay, so here we are. It's... My favorite are Southern Charm episodes where nothing happens, but the music is like a frenetic action movie from the 20s. I mean, it's like someone picks up a cup and they're like... I'm drinking lemonade, mama. What is this music? Why is it like the Little Rascals robbing a bank?

The musical cues were crazy on this episode. And, you know, just saying it right now, I feel like one thing we missed when we talked about Salt Lake City is the musical cues were crazy on that show also. When they discovered that Brittany was recording, we didn't even mention this, how the chorus went...

It was like a little alarm going off. I was cracking up. So yes, Bravo. Great work with your like over the top musical cues this week.

Yeah, you may not be sure on your casting yet or what you're doing. You seem to be getting your footing on this half reboot or whatever is going on on this show. But God damn, the music people are showing up to work. Like, listen, I'm bored, so I'm just going to make this. I'm just going to turn this into an adventure in the 1930s. Let's do it, boys. Someone's unlocking their door. It's like, I love it. Okay, so that's what's happening right now.

And, you know, Madison, who's now the voice of reason, you know, doing the narration or whatever. But it's like, and Vanita's just like brushing leaves off a chair and checking to see if there's a worm in her tree, which there is. I was like, well, good to see you, Vanita. We'll see you next week. As our note taker Shelby writes, it's our Vanita doing something scene. Just start off the episode. Yeah.

poor honestly poor vanita she's like relegated to the sidelines stuck into some random montage and that's all we see of her once per week and when she finally does get to talk they've even taken away her voice she's like no kidding i know now she's all laryngitis out so she is yes she finds something in a plant and that's that's almost her only moment this episode she actually gets a bonus scene for once

And then JT's mixing electrolytes into Fiji water. So that's fun. And talking to his plant, because that's like the only person who will still film with him. And trust me, that plant would be out of there if it could walk. It's like, how dare you call Patricia a bitch? Even the plants are like, how dare you, sir? No one fucks with Patricia. The plant's walking away.

Then we see Sally watering her plants. Sally, you know, I kind of... I have...

I am deeply enjoying Sally on this show. And I feel a little sad that we didn't actually nom put Sally on the ballot and I'm not going to add her now. Sally doesn't get any ballot. What was she going to be nominated for? Lady who tries the hardest to show up on shows. And actually that is a good award. I mean, she has put in the effort to be on these shows and she's here, you know, so she did it like goals. She should have been on the newbie ballot. And I feel really bad that we, we put Molly on. Cause like in the,

earlier in the season, it seemed like Molly had more upside. But now I think it's actually Sally. I think Sally is the future more than Molly. I don't know. I think Sally and Molly both have very basic names, and they're both very good for the show in the future. Not right now, but they need some time to marinate. What if we change Molly's entry on The Best Newbie to the Dash LLY Girls? That'd be...

Vowel double L Y girls. Um, yeah, you know, no, I think because Molly made more of an impression and that's it, that's what nominations were. And that's it. You know, Sally has, she still has time, you know, for next year. Um, so of course we'll forget all of this by next year as we do. Like I was just thinking today is receipts proof timeline from last year or this year. It is last year. Right? Yeah. It was last year. Yeah. It got into last year's ceremony. Yeah.

okay well the point is southern charm and um what was i going to say oh have you read the gossip about sally that's been really fun she came out and said she's like a robot surgeon or whatever and like she makes her own money and all this so when i say rumors i mean i read read it you know everybody knows what i mean by now hopefully but um

They're saying, oh, no, it's. And by the way, I think this is still a damn good job. And people need to leave people alone about stuff like this. Like she's not doing anything. She's still making 400K. But people are like, oh, she's not a robot surgeon. She works for the company that puts the robots in the place. And she just has to be there in case it breaks or something. She can call the right people to come fix it. You know what I mean? But I think that's still something. And then one of the rumors was like she got kicked out of her last hospital because she was doing TikToks.

Which somehow makes me like her more. She was not doing the TikTok. The robot was holding the camera and she happened to be singing a song. That's all. Yeah. So whatever you guys, I think that still counts. So you leave Sally alone. I'm fine with a robot lady who does TikToks in the break room while everybody else does the surgery. You go girl. Yeah. Did the surgery go well? Then end of story.

So then we see Austin. This is hilarious because Austin sits down at his desk in his house to do whatever simulation of work he's planning to do. I'm like, what are you doing at your laptop right now? What work are you pretending to do? I was like, that's a really nice office for somebody who doesn't really do a lot. Who doesn't work.

But I guess now he does because he has the beer, which we all know. I mean, that's a Teeter Harris. And then he does. He's also got this restaurant with Craig. Oh, now. Oh, that's right. We don't know about yet on the show. But yeah, he opened this restaurant called like, by the way, I don't know, something so stupid. By the way, Southern apostrophe.

Apocryphy grill. Apocryphy. Dot ellipses. Dot, dot, dot. I think it is called, by the way. I'm going to look it up. By the way. By the way. It's our restaurant. By the way. Craig and Austin, he's opening date of, by the way. By the way.

So Shep comes in. He's like, gosh, I haven't been here in forever. I just passed my old house. And we see flashbacks to when he built that old house, which by the way, in retrospect, like that house is just like a big, tall, like it's like a slab of a building. That's just, I was like, who wants to live in that giant, like five story house where there's like three feet on between each wall, you know, it's, this is so tall and narrow. Yeah.

Yeah, but it's a very, you know, it's very L.A. too. It's just kind of stuck in this Charleston place. I love Charleston. What a pretty place. I actually really liked it, but I just thought stairs. Yeah. Stairs. So, yeah, Austin's place is very tasteful, I think.

It's done very well. Whoever did it. It is actually quite tasteful. Whoever helped him out for this scene, good work. Because I don't believe it's a good work. I feel bad for the house. Because the house got all tasteful and now they're like, all we need is one thing to be replaced. The guy says terrace heater and then spits all over the walls. I know. Normally there's like tarps down everywhere just to protect all the furniture from the saliva that's flying in all directions. Yeah.

So then, uh, I have an Instacart driver who's just on it. Robert Raybert is his name. Let me tell you, Raybert doesn't fuck around. I ordered this 15 minutes ago and he's almost here. Girl, Raybert, you go. I believe in you. Just watching his car come, come through the Hills of Austin. Like he's like, I was just in the neighborhood. So, um,

This Shep is so Shep's talking about he's getting an energy drink. He's going to get an energy drink out of Austin's fridge. And then Austin's like, that's an energy drink, which is I don't know. These guys just want to do coke. Look at that.

That's what I've got while we're on camera. Austin's power of observation knows no bounds. So he's like, by the way, are you aware of Taylor's birthday on Friday? And Shep is like, gosh, yeah. And did you get the invite? He's like, no, are you kidding? She won't even have, she won't even shake my hand. Oh, it's barely, we'll even touch it. And then we see a flashback of how we asked her for coffee. And she was like, no, thank you.

Yeah. So Austin's like, are you going to crash the party? And he's like, no, I'm going down to a concert with a bunch of 19-year-olds. It's going to be so fun. What are you going to do? What happened with Craig? Gosh, I'm just good, Shep, just trying to make things okay with our friendships. Why can't a Shakespeare play?

And Austin's like, well, I thought I was trying to do a good thing. I just went over there and I was like, bro, why don't you ever want to see me anymore? And then, you know, you never know how Craig's going to react, but he got really mad. He got really mad. But this time there were flowers behind him. It was just so upsetting. Yeah. He just like can't handle any sort of fucking constructive criticism because Craig Conover's living life perfectly. And how dare anybody say otherwise? Okay, Austin.

you're really not one to talk about handling constructive criticism. Okay. Like, like I was sort of on your side a bit. Like I was empathetic to you saying that you missed your friend. And I thought that was actually one of your few valid things you've ever said, but you cannot be the one to say that Craig can't handle any constructive criticism. When Austin Kroll, the person who loses his mind every single season, when people tell him to grow up is trying to say these things.

Well, Shep and Austin together, you know, it's hilarious. So he's like, oh my gosh, is he so thin skinned? They're now like talking like it's not even bringing anything up anymore. And again, now Shep talking about thin skin. Yes.

Just because it looks leathery. The chef who just can't understand why the girl he tortured for four years won't go have coffee with him while she has a boyfriend. So Austin's like, well, my expectations have been like people's expectations when they're cracking open one of my beer. They're like right here. They're like right here. Really low bar. But you know what? I'm not going to bring it up anymore because I just want to lower the bar. You know, I'm just going to lower the bar, I guess, which is what the restaurant scene is going to do the second I open my doors to that restaurant. So...

Which is what every girl says before they'd start dating me. She's going to lower the bar. They should have called that place Lower Bar, actually. That's a better name than By the Way, because it makes sense, because Craig's a lawyer, kind of, and, I don't know, Austin's lower, so it's kind of still mixing their stuff. Well, it's like a real Anthony and Cleopatra situation, if you ask me. Yeah.

I mean, I told you guys in Camden, Craig and I will never really be close, mainly because I'm old money and he's new money. But, you know, I'll just say it's because he likes pillows. Yeah, and he's like, you know, Craig and I, we've just known each other for so long, even though sometimes I know, I wonder how well I know him. I'm just not as hurt by his nonsense. No, you're avoiding him because he's the only one who's still got his foot on your neck about being an assaulty drunk. Yes.

So it's pretty obvious that that's what's going on with you. And so Austin's like, I don't know. I want this to be better. And Shep's like, oh, you know, nothing lasts forever anyway. You know, a maid dies. You just go dig up another one. Put them in her place.

You know, I mean, we hope it does. Friendships, the best times, you know, always come to an end with different people. I mean, there's a lot of Shakespeare plays like that. Henry IV, part one and two are about that. And then he just starts laughing because he realizes, why am I talking about Shakespeare to Austen? This guy barely even knows what Dilbert is.

Yeah, but I also love that Henry IV, it's like, you know, Henry IV, it's basically friends. This is a true comedy of errors. The haberdashery of it all, you know what I'm saying? This is honestly much ado about nothing. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crapin's commercial.

At Hotels.com, we know some travelers crave sand between their toes. Others want to be poolside with a drink on the way. And more often than not, those two people end up in a relationship. With the Hotels.com app, compare properties side by side across amenities like pool and ocean view.

Compromise isn't so bad when you're holding a Mai Tai by a pool with an ocean view, agreeing that, yeah, this is better than finding sand in awkward places for three days. Book now in the Hotels.com app and find your perfect somewhere. They say Hollywood is where dreams are made. A seductive city where many flock to get rich, be adored, and capture America's heart. But when the spotlight turns off...

Fame, fortune, and lives can disappear in an instant. When TV producer Roy Radin was found dead in a canyon near LA in 1983, there were many questions surrounding his death. The last person seen with him was Lainey Jacobs, a seductive cocaine dealer.

who desperately wanted to be part of the Hollywood elite. Together, they were trying to break into the movie industry. But things took a dark turn when a million dollars worth of cocaine and cash went missing. From Wondery comes a new season of the hit show Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder.

Follow Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of The Cotton Club Murder early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So then we go to Ellis Creek Fish Camp and their slogan is cook them up, eat them up. It's a restaurant opened by Leanne Locken. Cook them up, eat them up.

So Taylor is there with her mom, Leslie, and there is just the sweetest gay who is taking the order. And he's like, hi, sweetie. How are you doing there? What do you want for today? And they're like, it's going to be my 30th birthday. He's like, well, guess what? I'm going to give you some key lime pie later on. So I was like, I love this guy. Next time we go to Charleston, we're going to this place and just saying it's our birthday.

Yeah. He's like, you know what's for 30, right? Key lime. Kind of bitter, but we're still trying to pretend it's sweet. Send it right out. Yeah. I'm turning the big 3-0 today, which is unfortunately how I... He's like, oh, it's your first year of being a real adult. She's like, oh, well, my mom was calling it the year I officially turned a decade too old to date any guy on this cast. Yeah.

She called it expiration day. So Taylor is- By the way, her mom, Leslie, seems like just such a sweet lady. But why is she wearing a hammock as a necklace? Why? That is a full on hammock. I would put my butt on that and just start swinging around, girl. What are you doing?

I'm starting to develop a theory that below a certain latitude, geographic latitude in the United States, you start really looking towards maritime features for jewelry and decor. So it's like, does this sort of look like it could be a cargo net? I'm going to turn it into a necklace. Like, we were watching...

Like we were watching this show on Netflix called Later Daters, which you would like literally, Rhonda, you would absolutely love it because there's several like older women who are like right in like the Ronnie alley. Like there's one lady named Pam who's like, she's a drunk and she just talks like this a lot. She's like, oh, that is something about the insurance company. You know, I don't believe anything. You know, they're always trying to get you. And I was like, oh, this lady's made for Ronnie. But yeah, that's one lady. Yeah.

There's one lady. I'm in. My kind of lady. Gainesville. Her whole house is filled with like, like, uh, everything's like rustic, rustic. Everything looks like it's been through a shipwreck. She's like, I'm just trying to find a man who loves the Georgia bulldogs. And, um, it just, she just supports my, my new theory that, that ladies of a certain age, uh,

under a certain latitude in the States, want everything to look like it was a found treasure in the bottom of the Caribbean. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, that is definitely a thing. So Taylor's having lunch with her mom and her mom's doing that thing like, oh, wow, 30. God, I remember 30. I already had you. I already had the kids. I mean, look at that. Look at you doing nothing. Me doing a lot. God, it's great. I hate when moms do that. My mom's like, when I was 30, you were already seven. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember because that's, I think, the year that you did your infamous monologue. I could have been something. That was...

That was great. Yeah. Leslie has this like very, she, she has kind of a, an undermining kind of moment here, but it's like spoken in a, in a way as if it's like really supportive. She's like, she's like, you know, I keep thinking about how, when I was 30, how different our lives are. I mean, I was married. I just had your brother. I just think about how great it was.

to be a mom and to have a family. And now look at you. But hey, congratulations. You have a key lime pie. That's what I was going to say. I had children, but you've got a slice of pie coming your way. So that counts for something. I have physical children, but you date mental children. And that's something, honey. So good for you. Oh, look, collard greens. I love collard greens as much as my daughter loves being alone in life.

And also, how does Leslie stay so thin? Because all the food in the South is ridiculous looking. It is like huge. She's eating some kind of chicken sandwich that's as big as her head. And then it's got pieces of bacon or something that look like Bigel and Getty's florals. I'm like, what is this? Why is that the size of a small child? And you're like a wrist. You're as big as a wrist. It's just not fair. I know.

So, but then the scene does. So that's how the lady from Gainesville on that show talks. So everything like is around Val. I can't wait to go on a day with him again. So, um, but the scene does turn serious because they start talking about Taylor's brother who passed away like nine months before the scene and

And the mom is basically actually what she's really trying to say is like, I was already on the road to happily ever after. Whereas you've had to deal with so many setbacks and challenges, both in terms of, you know, getting thrashed online from this TV show that we're on right now. And also your brother. And so like, I'm just so proud of you for how you've dealt with all the setbacks in your life so far.

And it's Taylor's birthday as we've gone over, but she just wants to be left alone because she's so she's depressed, you know, which her mother is not really helping at this because she just keeps bringing it. She's like, mom, I don't want to talk about it. She's like, we're going to talk about it. And they do. And it's actually a nice scene, you know, and it is sad. And, um,

So she decides that she doesn't want to do anything for her birthday. Dun, dun, dun. And then we go to Craig's house and he's like, chicken! And a couple actual chickens come in, which is, you know, I guess the longer you just want something, you have to be careful what you wish for. Yeah. And she's arranging flowers. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I love the idea of like little chickens wearing lily pullets or come in. So, so why don't you come to the bar with us anymore? That's not that far away from an Austin impersonation. If you think about it, she's like, she's bought a bunch of flowers and is arranging them. And he's like, I feel like in another life, you were like a floor. It's just like, Craig, it's called being a girl. We just do it all. Get out of my way. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we see a flashback of him in the car like, well, Taylor canceled her party. So I was thinking we could have an impromptu party. Oh, my God, Craig, I hate improv. Please. No. Yes. And, you know, I only believe in no, but.

Normally I would say no, because I hate all your friends, but I did bring this really cute, like light green baby girl dress that looks kind of like the shape of a bell. And I was like, what if I actually, what if I actually put the bell back into Southern Bell? And I thought, let's do it. Let's give it a try. So yeah, let's do the bargain. I was actually so jealous of her too for being able to wear that dress. Because who can wear that?

Like it's cinched at the top and then it comes out like this giant bell. If I wore that, I would be like a bell that just doesn't ring because they put too big of a ding in it. You know, like you shake the bell and it's just like, if I were a bell, I'd go. I wouldn't ring. I was so jealous. I was like, why is it wearing my figure as a dress? God damn it.

So offensive. So he's like, chicken, you better get comfortable with my sperm. And she's like, I think I'm pretty comfortable with it. She's like, no, because part of the sperm process is that you have to decide what happens to your sperm if you die. She's like, oh my God, Greg. She's like, so I'm going to leave you my sperm. She's like, what? Is there a return policy? What am I going to do with your sperm?

Can't I just do what I do now with your sperm? I say, ew, gross. I slap you and push you away until you get it all over yourself. I don't want that. No, but like in the rom-com world that I live in, I die and then you're like, but I still want to have his children. I'm like, what part of that? Where's the comedy in that rom-com there? Like the guy dies and she's going to have the baby. What in the Nicholas Sparks are you talking about? That's his dream. He just wants to die and have someone want his children. Yeah.

So she's like, "I would never do that. I'm gonna have a child and then not actively give them a dad? What the Dan Quayle are you talking about?"

What in the PS I love you are you talking about? It's like, maybe I know, but you know, instead of just throwing it away, I want you to like have the choice. Craig, girl, ain't nobody want a little Craig running around. I mean, you're very cute and you still have your hair.

She goes, well, I'll talk to it and I'll put it in a jar over my mantle and then I'm just going to throw it at someone outside. It's like, it's my gift to you. She's like, so they've ordered barbecue and I'm sorry, what were you going to say? I interrupted you, didn't I? I was just going to say that your sperm may be your gift to me, but my gift to me is ignoring you for the rest of the day, Craig. Your gift to me is sperm. My gift to me is spermicide.

Hey, so I ordered barbecue because even though I would have liked to have cooked for everyone, I think you were right. She goes, yeah, I know. Austin, does he know that Taylor's got canceled and people are coming here? Do you think that maybe you want to send him an invitation? Oops, sorry. Meant it for someone else. No party. That was just a joke. Ha ha ha ha. And make him feel bad because I think that'd be funny.

"No, I haven't talked to him since he came over here and, like, knocked my hustle." And by the way, I love that you said "knocked my hustle" that one time, because I'm going to say it ten times in this episode now. Yeah, but just please remember, Craig, that when I said "knocked my hustle," I meant, like, ability to work, not to do the dance, because I see you already starting to do the steps, and it's not the right usage.

Well, the other phrase that I've been using a lot is put your sperm on my sponge, which you haven't really taken up. But you know what? Baby steps. Wait, babies. Shut up, Craig. So, I mean, Austin just confuses me because like he makes things up. Like you just saw him at the gym. You see him once a week because you have a business together. How much does the guy need?

Well, I mean, that's why I was like dumbfounded when he said that. I was like, if you don't value all the time we spent together as like there's something lacking in our relationship, then you should go and find a new friend because I'm never going to be the bar guy again. I said, go find a new friend. But also, why aren't you inviting me to hang out? I was like, really funny. So I'm never going to be a bar guy again until I open a bar with Austin in about five minutes. I know it called, by the way. Yeah.

Are you going to keep talking, Craig? No, it's called By the Way. By the way, what's it called? Yeah, what is it? By the Way. Oh, for Christ's sakes. That's the name of the bar. All right, I'm going to open a little tea shop next door called the Lipsy's. I'm going to open up a bar next door called... So then...

So he's like, "Yeah, Austin wants to just blame people for stuff, you know? So in Austin's mind, people are the problem, not him." Well, that's true too. Because Paige is saying that, like, Austin's filming at the mouth to blame her for why their friendship broke up. So he's like, "Yeah, I think he'd rather us break up."

100%. Now, I'm not going to say my usual 1,000% because I'm actually going to reduce this down to 100% in this case. I ran the numbers. It's only 100%. Also, I'm in Charleston. They don't get my full thousand here.

So he's like, well, I'm 10% less enthusiastic here. It'll be a thousand percent once I'm back in the city. So he's like, I'll take my Jersey off. Like, I'm going to take my Jersey off the wall and just head back to the bars. Like, guess what? Guess what makes me happy? You and your boobs. She's like, okay, Craig, or your butt. It's like, okay, Craig, shut up. Craig, there's only one right answer. And it was my bell-shaped dress. And you got it wrong.

So now we go to Madison's and she's out on her swing and she FaceTimes her mom and she's basically like, so guess what? I made this flower bouquet. And her mom's like, sure, Madison, you made it. She's like, and I also made this lemonade. Sure, you made the lemonade. Madison was like...

I love that her mom knows that Madison's just like kind of trying on a new role. And she's like, wow, aren't you the best little housewife? She's like, I am. I'm trying to be. Because I got some, Brett told me some news. And then she talks about him having a spot on his kidney, which is crazy. And so, you know, the mom's like, all you can do is love him. Love him. Comfort him. You know, have a can opener ready. Because corn is the key.

And I mean, honestly, if you really think about it, lemonade is just like lemons and sugar and water. So you can work on that. I think that's something you can do, Madison. So come on. You know what? You're not a cancer doctor, so you can't do anything about that. We can only do what we can control. Make better iced tea, honey. Please. I mean, listen, the expression is when life gives you lemons, et cetera. And I think you could really pull up on the lemonade part.

So then we go to Rodrigo's house for Rodrigo and his boyfriend to be the fabulous gays of Southern charm. Why do you fold like that? Why don't you fold? You fold, you're folding stupid. I fold around a magazine. Well, I guess you did it then. Yeah, I did.

I don't know why you bitch at me all the time. He's like, I don't bitch. You bitch all the time about my inability to fold properly. And he was like, well, I liked everything lined up. I think it's from my glory days at working at Abercrombie and Fitch, spring, fierce on everybody that walks by. We see a picture of Rodrigo probably like in 1999 or whatever. And he has that like emo hair that like goes forward into the side that spikes. It was like the proto Kate Gosselin.

Yeah. Yeah, the prototype for Kate. That's funny. So he's like, yeah. Oh, so Austin calls up and he's like, what are you doing, man tits? What's he calling them? Sugar tits. Baby tits. Baby tits. Baby tits. Rodrigo's like, oh, hi, what's up? Not much, but I woke up today. I went from working at Abercrombie to being called baby tits by a fucking frat boy who can't keep a relationship.

This is a disaster. I'm a gay failure. So Austin's like, yeah, well, I woke up today to find out that Taylor's party is canceled. And he's like, oh, well, I don't know if you talked to Craig or not, but I think he's hosting a party today. And Austin was all too happy to tell Shep that Taylor was having a party that Shep wasn't invited to. But now that Austin is the one that's actually not invited to the party, he's like, ugh.

Yeah. It's just a season of people being not invited to things. It's super weird. And it's also weird that Rodrigo they're like, let's get a gay in here to be the center of the uninvites, you know? Cause it's always up to Rodrigo to be like, you're not invited. You're not invited to this party. You're not invited to that part. No one's invited anywhere. That's a gay dream to be the ambassador of the uninvite. Turning all these very happy people down. Oh yeah. You're not invited. Sorry.

Yeah. So, yeah, Rodrigo's like, um, um, um, um. And Austin's like, I did not hear about this party from Craig, which I guess tells me everything I need to know. Let me just type that into my work computer. Beep, boop, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop. Austin, you're just typing on a cereal box. Like I said, my work computer.

So he's like, oh, Lord, damn, are you guys good? He's like, well, I mean, that's what I'm trying to figure out. Austin, you just walked out of his house two days ago. What are you not able to figure out? So he's like, well, what happened? So he tells him the whole story. And he's like, well, I thought it was being in a place of being constructive. You know what I mean? When I was just like, I don't want to call you anymore because you're like a loser now. I thought it was going to be great.

And Austin's like, I see what Craig's doing. I know exactly what he's doing. He's not extending the invite to me because I told him something he didn't want to hear. Yeah. I mean, you had a fight with him, so he's not going to invite you to his party. So that is how that usually goes.

Yeah. He kicked you out of his house. So, so Rodrigo's like, yeah, you know what? I feel like you guys might have a little tension still. Oh my God. Why don't you guys open a fucking detective agency? Seriously. All of you. You're really called an agency, by the way.

So Austin's like, all right, whatever. So they, Tyler, you know, they hang up and Rodrigo's like, Jesus Christ on a fucking cross. Are you kidding me? And Tyler's like, come take my pulse. I need an emotional support doc.

So then we go to Craig's house and they're bringing out Craig and page or like bringing out stuff to like the, the backyard. And they're trying to like figure out how to do it. And they're like rearranging stuff and putting the food out and everything. And,

and doing all that. Put out the food, Craig. But what if we put out the food and then bugs come? Don't put out the food, Craig. I shouldn't put out the food. Yeah, good. Good job, stupid. This is like my dreams. You're not kidding either. You can't just put out food in the backyard in the south. No. No. That's not how that works. You can't. Yeah. Craig's like, that's like leaving a blonde teenager outside. You'll get Shep and Austin on your lawn in about 20 minutes. You can't do that.

This is my dream scenario. Like I built a backyard for entertaining and I just want to be the house that my friends can just show up to, or we can all call an audible and just like be like, you know what, let's go to Craig's for the night.

I'm like, yeah, that's absolutely not the house. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. I'm sorry. No, I was going to say, we're going to say the same thing probably like that's fine, but you live like 25 minutes away from everyone now. And like, this is like the classic thing that couples do. Like breeders do this all the time. Actually, probably gay people do it too. I'm going to say all couples do this, which is that they, they then post up in the suburbs and they get like a house with like a pool and a barbecue. And then they don't go out anywhere. And you are the one they're like, come to,

Well, I mean, if they want to hang out, they come here. We've got everything you could possibly need here. 45 minutes away in the middle of Doleville. Yeah, that's true. People do do that. I got a house where people do not want to come over because it's up a very steep hill. You have to really like me to come there because I make you work to get there. I just realized, Ronnie, I just called all of suburbia Doleville, which was so mean of me because I actually really enjoy suburbia. But you know what I'm talking about when it's like...

that one couple that they will never be with. - "Look at me, I moved to the Valley. Just say me, man, just say me, okay? I moved to the Valley." - But you come over to my house. You come to my house, but you know, there's some people who will not leave their house and they just expect you to always go to their house. And they're always like, "Well, why would we leave our house? We got everything we need here." It's like, well, because your house is out of the way. And sometimes you have to come to the house. - "But you don't have everything I need here." - Yes. - "Do you have a 30 year old muscular man in a jockstrap punching his dick for no reason while he's doing a box step on a table?" You don't.

So stop inviting me to your house and pretending that you have everything, okay?

And there is that kind of like suburban dad thing where they're like so impressed with their own grill that they just think everyone else is as impressed with their grill and whatever, you know, micro brews they're doing in their garage. And it's like, you know, sometimes we don't want that, you know, like, or like we want that, but we want the variety. We don't want that to be like every single time we hang out, we have to go to like Cecil's basement bar on Merritt to medicine or Craig's pool or something like that. Mix it up. We want to mix it up, you know?

Yeah. And like, if you have everything I need, then you've got the food in front of me. Then where's the person that I say, I don't like this. Could you send it back and bring me something else and make sure it's not on my bill? I need that person. Yes.

So anyway, Craig is though having the best time ever and Paige is like, "By the way, is my eyelash falling off? Just don't touch. Just look, Craig. Oh, Craig, you just poked me in the eye." "Sorry, Jake, man, I got excited." Because that is such a guy thing to do. "Is my eyelash—ow! Ow! Geez. You didn't have to put your finger into my eye." So she's like, "Don't touch. Just tell me." He's like, "I don't know. You'll have to ask a girl or a gay." And she's like, "You don't have eyes?"

Well, I do have eyes, but the thing is that I touched my finger after I left the sperm bank. And so there's, okay, Craig, that's enough. It makes you feel better. I did put a pair of your eyelashes on my sperm sample. Why would you do that, Craig? That's just strange. Really hoping for a daughter.

So they set up and people start showing up and everyone's saying hi. And Molly shows up with a dick cake because she had bought a dick cake. It was like a cookie cake to give to Taylor for her 30th. That was like entering your 30s doesn't suck too bad. But because Taylor's not having her party, she had to bring this to Craig's party, which is awkward because Molly and Craig used to basically sext.

And they're trying to edit it. Paige is just scandalized that she would bring this cake. You know, she says, I was trying to have a classy party. And it looks like she's really mad at Molly for bringing a dick cake. But, you know, Paige doesn't give a shit. One less dick I have to deal with. You want this one, too? Deliver Craig. And Molly's like, whatever. It's not like I actually touched his wiener. It was all sexting. And then we see shots or flashbacks of her saying, like, me.

Me and Craig were texting and Craig saying, yeah, it was never like real. It was just all online, which I'm believing less and less now. Yeah. Well, you think it has, it's tied into the breakup or something? No, no, no. But I think they probably banged. Yeah, it could have happened. So then the thundercloud rolls in and now it starts raining, you know, and Paige is like, I hate it here.

This is stupid. That's why they're stupid. And then Vanita shows up. So Vanita actually gets a scene that's not at her house with Charles. Her voice is still, it's still gone, but Paige is like, Oh my God, your voice. It sounds amazing. I love it. And then they're all hanging out, avoiding the rain and everything. And Craig's like, Hey, I hate Rodrigo. Why did Taylor cancel the party? And Rodrigo's like,

You know, I'm just getting vague information in this game of telephone, but I think her mom came to town and depressed the fuck out of her. So here we are in the suburbs. Was she wearing the hammock necklace? That's a sad one. Yeah, I heard she went with her mom, did lunch with her, and then she got upset and then she just canceled the party. Which does sound kind of weird, you know? I mean, Taylor was saying, and I didn't think it sounded weird until Madison phrased it, you know, a different way later. But it is kind of weird because she didn't say she was going to cancel on that scene, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I think she just, but she got progressively sadder and sadder and sadder while her mom was talking to her. So then she was like, yeah, I'm just gonna have this soft shell crab and call it a day. Oh,

Hello, ladies and gerbs, boys and girls. The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting, and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire.

You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like Jon Hamm, Brittany Broski, and Danny DeVito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa, and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville whodunit. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name? Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out.

Follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

Meanwhile, the other group is chatting, and Vanita is asking if Craig was grilling, and Paige is like, no, we got it catered and stuff. And the original theme was supposed to be Hawaiian, but Paige is like, yeah, I didn't know what was going to happen. But when Craig said, Taylor, cancel the party, I was like, well, why not have everyone here? It's been a while since I just sort of made fun of everyone to their faces. Yeah.

It's nice to give people dirty looks in my own space. Yeah. And so then we cut back to Rodrigo and Craig talking like, "Have you talked to Austin?" And he's like, "No, I'm not really talking to Austin right now." Well, he seemed a little perturbed that you were having a party. So, and he was like, "Yeah, well, he came over the other day and he was like mad at me and like, he doesn't think I'm a good friend. So I'm like, why would I invite you over here?"

um well um how did he word it was he just like oh craig i invited you over there or i wasn't invited so i see how it is he was like yeah it's like that's what happens when like look austin if you don't think i'm a good friend and if you if you don't consider this beautiful pool and manicured garden to be part of the friendship then i don't and i'm not gonna chase you down and convince you to be my friend even though last week i literally was like mad that

that i wasn't invited to what you were doing yeah so now it stops raining so everybody comes back and like wow trees how pretty and then leva comes you know to just liven everything up as she does and you know a bunch of everybody starts coming so now it's party time right and so now ryan and molly um and rodrigo are talking about molly dating and uh ryan's like oh my god girl how are you single in charleston right now she's like because i hate everything that's my girl

I love her. Yeah. I'm going to get a poster of her and put her up in my room. This is what little girls need to see. This girl, you know, have your kids start watching Southern charm. Yeah. Seriously. She's like, why am I single? Cause my options are Thomas Ravenel and Shep. So literally have you looked, have you walked around downtown in this tent, go to a food court and then ask me why I'm single. You fucking moron.

And Rodrigo's like, yeah, I think the ratios are off. I think there's like more women than men. She's like, yeah, it's a mess. And it's always been a mess. And then he's like, yeah. And then when you think about the gay man, I mean, it just makes the ratios even worse. She's like, listen, I'm only here for the TV show. Otherwise I'll be back in LA. I debate dating. And then I'm like, I just look at all the guys here on this cast and I say, you know what? Nevermind. Let's just be an old maiden.

You know what's so crazy is I really wanted to get into dating and I started looking around the room and my ovaries literally froze themselves and dropped out like they were in a refrigerator's ice machine. It was crazy. So at least I can save them for later.

So then Ryan is talking to Vanita and he's like, Hey, where's Manny? Is he in New York? And Vanita's like, Oh, did I not tell you? He's like, I love it. It's like, she's so sad. Ask her, ask her, ask her. I mean, it's like, yeah, Manny moved to New York for Broadway. And, um,

I didn't realize that Manny was a singer. I thought he played instruments, but apparently he's a singer, and apparently he was in Illinois. So Ryan's like, oh, so we got the Broadway gig. And she's like, yeah, he's not coming back. Oh, so he's going to be back this weekend, do you think? She's like, no, he's not coming back. So next weekend, he's not coming back. Right.

So at the end of the month, stop it. So what is his musical? Oh, Illinois. I was wondering why you said Illinois. I was like, that's not where Broadway is. No, Illinois is the show. What is it?

It's the show. Did it win? Did Illinois win the best? He sings people who like people. Oh, that's I know that. I know that much. He's from Charleston. He's now based. He's going to make his off-Broadway debut at in Illinois. So it's off-Broadway. I'm still good though. But last time last scene in Freestyle Love Supreme Las Vegas and the original off-Broadway cast of Forbidden Broadway Next Generation.

He's a songwriter who holds a degree in classical piano. Oh, yeah. He's getting the fuck out of there. What were you thinking? It's not going to stay there. He's not going to stay around. Hang around Charleston. Yeah. No, he's got a gig. So yeah, he's got his leg on. Well, Vanita and Manny, they realized they realized very quickly that

They're not going to do the whole thing that Page and Craig are going to do, which is waste three years of their life pretending like there's going to be a future with this geographical issue. Manny was like, "Yeah, bye." She's like, "Yeah, I'm not leaving. I've got a TV show down in Charleston." He's like, "Yeah, I've got a musical up in New York." And it's over. I mean, I felt bad for Vanita. It looked like Vanita was left behind and, you know, poor thing. Yeah. She was like, "New York is his dream. Broadway's his dream. But I was not included in a lot of the plans."

So that sucks. But, you know, I have to say, I don't think he was that into you. And honestly, I don't think you were that into him either. I think it is in kind of the position that the gay guys are in in this town where you just meet one that's free and you just take it. You know, it's not even about like whether I really like you. It's just like there's two of us here. We are going to date. OK. And I think that's what it is with a lot of single people. Well, single women in Charleston from what we see from this show. You know, you're hungry. You take the first sandwich that comes through. That's it.

I felt bad for her because she said she actually really, really liked him and that her mom liked him too, which is rare. So I don't know. I mean, part of me is kind of like, well...

I'm rarely ever going to say that the woman go chase the man, but like really what's going on in Charleston. They barely have you on this show. Might as well go to New York, be with the guy you love and enjoy that. She had a worm in a tree. She had a worm in a tree that seen this episode. Also, I don't know that it was that he, I think the point is he didn't ask her to come. He didn't plan to meet with her. Yeah.

He got it and he was like, "Bye." And then we see their breakup scene and she's sitting on the ground and he's sitting above her on like a couch. And she's like, "Oh, so you got the Broadway thing. So it's going to be four months." And he's like, "It's more than four months." So four months, right? Probably more than four months. So four months. Yeah, we should have a talk. And then she's just like, "Oh." So then, meanwhile, everyone's eating food. Yeah. And so Sally, Paige and Madison are sitting around the pool talking. And this is great because

These three are like the girlies. I love when Paige finds her people, because when she starts gossiping with her people, it's so fun. You feel like you're sitting there gossiping with her. And I think that she has really only liked Madison out of everyone down here. Madison's the only one, because Madison's a strong woman who doesn't deal with bullshit. But then Sally joins, and it turns out Sally is in the mix, right? Because Sally is so funny in this scene.

Because all three of them are so messy together, and it's great. So Paige is like, well, I'm so glad this worked out. And Madison's like, me too. The vibe here is just way better between the three of us. Let's pretend no one else is here at this party. Such a good idea. Okay, I'm going to close my eyes. Let's pretend Craig isn't here, and the party's already improved so much. Yeah, I don't know about you guys, but Taylor never even told me it was canceled. What about that? So I was like, I didn't even get invited. They're like, oh, oh.

And Paige is like, so you beef with her? And she's like, no, we don't beef. Like, we don't really beef. But it's just like, you're not like besties? Is that what it's like? Oh, oh. Oh, well, she's dating my ex. And Paige is like, got it. That'll throw a wrench right in there. Yeah. Now, wait a second. Were you guys serious? You and the guy? And she's like, yeah, I mean...

I said, "I love you to Gaston." Wait, hold on. Can we pause this conversation? So it really is true there's someone named Gaston in the mix in this group? Because that's just hilarious to me. I mean, we have someone named Jesse Solomon up north, but like Gaston? That's ridiculous. Does anyone work like Gaston? What? Does anyone twerk like Gaston? What? Does anyone love to eat their jerk like Gaston? What are you talking about? Never mind. You're no Belle. You're no my dress.

Congratulations. You just won the Nobel Prize. Guess what? I'm going to watch that new e-show called Total Not Bellas. So... That's so stupid. No.

So she's like, yeah, I mean, we said I love you, but that's not why. I mean, that's not why we, but beef is what you said. God, it's so Northern. I just, I have history with Shep, you know? And Paige is like, ew, oh God. Craig, bring the rubbing alcohol. Yeah.

History of a Shep, that just sounds awful. It's like, no, I know, but it's a small history, like a two-hour history. Oh, okay. He said it in a funny way, so I approve of you again. That's actually the longest I've ever heard of Shep lasting, so congratulations. Oh, I didn't say he lasted that long. It was mostly two hours of me doing the helicopter and sawing the lot. Oh, okay.

And he, and he, I'm talking about the Vietnam war documentary. Oh gosh. So. They just like, so Taylor found out. So I was like, yeah. And I wasn't sure. It just, it, it wasn't during their relationship or anything. And then she said some things about me. And then that is classic. That is super classic.

"Well, come on, tell us, girl." "What are you doing here?" "You're not eating the beef. You're not giving the beef. Do something!" And she's like, "Okay." "I didn't pretend to make lemonade to not drink something right now. Come on, give it to me." Well, she spread that I was a hooker. And Paige is like, "Oh my god!" But she said high-end hooker, so that was at least nice. She goes, "Yeah, that was nice. Like, for politicians and stuff. That's really sweet." She did the same thing to me last year. Well, not that I was a hooker, but that I was like, well, basically a hooker. "Wait, what did she say about you, Paige?"

Well, she said I had another boyfriend in NYC, and I was like, well, I hope he's hot. I mean, kind of. I mean, I don't know her boyfriend at all, but I'm definitely curious now what people like about him, because I personally don't think that he's very attractive, so therefore he can't be even likable. You know what I'm saying, guys? Why is he even around us, y'all? And Sally goes, well, he can hear you from a mile away. And Madison goes, wait, he's here? She goes, no, no, I'm just talking about his ears. God, that was so mean of me. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, that was pretty cold actually. But still funny. And he's like, yeah, I mean, it's just really weird because like he was still, there was some overlap and Pete's like, oh my God. She's like, yeah. And there was like July, like it overlapped because he met my family on July 4th. And this is such a Charleston thing to say. She's like, he was on my dad's boat.

And then, like, two weeks later, he was with her. And Paige was like, oh my god. I am. Oh my god. I literally just got a stink bug in my mouth. Oh, well. Yeah.

This is wild. So Paige is like, this is... And so then she's like, well, I need to see a picture of this person because before I can pass any further judgment, I need to have some reference. I have to know what his facial hair looks like. I need to see something about these ears, nostrils, everything. Give me the goods. So she looks at it and she goes, wow, that's not what I was picturing. I mean, he's cute. He's like cute. Like...

She says he's cute in the tone of like, I don't want to disrespect your taste level, Sally, but this guy is a fucking ugly ass beast. That's what she's basically saying. I don't think he's ugly. Do you? No, he's not. I don't think he's ugly at all. I think he's very cute. But I think the way she's saying it is like, I mean, I'm shocked that you would hook up with someone that looked like this. So I'll just say he's cute. Yeah.

Because, you know, an approval cute is he's cute. Oh, my God. Not he's cute.

Yeah. I think it's also the supportive thing when someone's talking about a shitty man. You're not supposed to be like, oh, my God, he's hot. You have to be like, I mean, you know, he's cute. But, I mean, who knows? So, I mean, like I said, first sandwich that passes through. Send him over here on a tray, you know? So, Sally's like, yeah, we were hot and heavy for a moment. Look at this picture. And then she shows a picture of them making out at a bar, which means she's one of those fucking people who takes selfies of herself making out with people, which...

Yeah, it's both gross, but I've also been friends with this girl my whole life. I think I know this girl so well and I want to have her over later. Yeah. I really like Sally. So Sally says like, you know, we were like best friends and he was, Oh no, I'm sorry. She talks also, it gets more complicated than this. So she basically says that there's a guy named Andrew who,

And she says, yeah, me and Andrew were best friends. And he was the one that got me through the Gaston shit. And I helped him get through the Taylor shit because I guess, wait, Taylor had hooked up with Andrew at some point.

So they were both exes, so now they are dating each other. So this whole Sally and Taylor overlap continues to get more and more complicated. This is like being in a gay bar. This is like being in a gay bar. I mean, everybody's fucked each other here. It's like being in a group of gay friends. Everybody has had sex with each other. And so Paige is just trying to compute all this. She's like, okay, well, then I'm happy that you have a new man. Well, how did you and Gaston leave? I mean, you're all friendly? You're all friendly or what? She's like, mm.

Don't speak. Well, oh my God, have you fucked his brother? Just tell us. Because I like that everything Sally says with a dot, dot, dot ends, well, then I fucked this guy. It's like, oh! It's like every twist with Sally is another guy she's fucked, which is hilarious. And they're like, what? What is it? And Paige is like, give it to us, Sally. And she goes, what? You're just going to sit in my backyard and make eyes at Madison and not tell me the whole gossip? I invited you to my home.

Well, nobody knows this, but we had a conversation yesterday, me and Gaston. And they're like, yeah, first time since July. And Madison's like, well, what happened, girl? And Sally's like, well, he told me to keep his name out of my fucking mouth. Hell no. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. Because he heard that I was like, now listen, like, you know, he heard that I was talking about himself. And I said, listen, there's a lot I'm keeping to myself. And Paige is like, that's it. Get out of my house. That's not how we do things here.

Sally's like, so it was like a two minute conversation and it escalated very quickly. And he started raising his voice. And I was like, I think I ended the phone conversation with thank you for reminding me of the kind of fucking person you are, even though you can still hear me. God, I'm so mean. Well, it just proves to me that nothing has changed. So then we go to Tyler and Rodrigo on the little putting green. And Tyler is like, I don't know the difference between these clubs. And Rodrigo's like, I don't know.

Do you want some nasty sprayed on you? I've got it right here. What was the cologne called? Fierce. Fierce. Do you want me to spray some Fierce on you? He's like, honey, you can either not know how to fold a shirt or you could not know golf clubs, but you can't not know those. Okay.

Okay, so party, party, party. Ryan is getting shown the golf stuff. There's so many new people. So Ryan's the other new gay. So he's being shown plants. And then he's like, yeah, Craig is talking about how you've gotten Craig to do things, you know, like domestic things. She goes, yeah, dishes or, you know, maybe we should put our laundry away. Yeah.

And he's like, but he's like, what don't you do? She's like, well, I don't cook. It's not that I can't cook. It's that he just always does it. And also, I can't cook. He's like, oh, okay, cool. So Madison, meanwhile, is talking to Rodrigo. She's like, Rodrigo, be honest with me. Why did this beta party get canceled today? And he's like, well, I think that, like, emotionally, Taylor's just spent. And I just, I feel like the stress of Sally coming around and having her say things, having things to say about a relationship with Gaston is like a lot for her. Well, yeah.

What if there was some truth to what Sally was saying? I mean, why is Gaston calling Sally? Oh, did I say that part out loud? Oh. It's like, why is Gaston calling Sally? And I want to just hear Madison order Mexican food. Because, you know, she's like, I would like a nacho, a quesadilla, some salse.

Can I put in an order for breakfast tomorrow to get some huevos rancheros, please? Yeah, I think that Madison is the best detective on this show. I think she's got very good detective qualities because she's like, well, wait a minute. What if there's truth to what she's saying? I mean, why is Gaston calling her? And why did he call her yesterday? And Rodriguez is like, wait, he did? To say what? To silence her?

are you serious? I mean, they shouldn't be having communication. Like from my knowledge, you know, I heard they were both like very toxic. So like, oh my God, who am I going to invite? Who am I gonna invite? And Madison's like, but from what I heard, it was just to say, hey, listen, I'm hearing what you're saying about me and you need to keep your mouth shut. And this is the part we see in the preview where he's like, this town is like a soap opera on steroids.

We have people dating each other's exes, and it makes me worried about my friend, because I don't want her to go through the same things again with Gaston that she went through with Shep. Well, I hate to break it to you, but Taylor is... She seems to me like someone who dates in patterns. So buckle up for round two, Rodrigo. Yeah.

So he's like, well, wow, that makes this party cancellation seem just even a little more woof. And she goes, yeah, like his idea. I was like, oh, I didn't even think of that. He's like trying to hold her back and he doesn't want her to shoot with Sally. So he's like, you can't go. But that actually makes sense. It makes total sense. He's taking the dirt back. She's taking the dirt back.

I'm just going to say it right now. As long as we're in traitor season, I'd like to nominate Madison to be on the next season of the traitors. Cause I think she'd be excellent on it. Yeah, she would be. I'm putting that out there. I don't have Southern charm people on there. Huh? Yeah. I kind of wish, I think the casting department needs to listen to us. I think we have a good instinct on who to cast on that show. And I think Madison, Madison should have, well, whatever.

Put her on the show. Okay, so now it's nighttime, and they're eating the dick cake and everything, and Craig and Madison and Paige are in the kitchen together, and Madison is like, wow, Paige, you do a great job cutting flowers. By the way, what's going on with the engagement? You're just not engaged? And Craig's like, well, we basically are. I mean, I threw sperm at her today. Craig...

"Please, you don't have to tell everyone about the sperm situation." And she's like, "I think I socialized a lot today. I deserve some credit." And he's like, "You did, you see? It's fun, isn't it?" She's like, "Well, I did what I could."

Did you tell Craig?

Craig, did you tell Madison that Austin came over the other day? Yeah. He came over here and he basically knocked my hustle and said, I'm a bad friend. And I guess where I'm at is if we, what we do already isn't good enough, then he has to move on. And so, by the way, I'm going to do my new thing, which is I'm going to put my hands in front of my chest and then weigh them side to side a little bit in and out. Cause like, I don't know if it's not good enough, then he has to move on because I'm never going back to the guy that

That he misses. Yeah, I mean, I was, like, this is crazy. Like, you're a grown man. Like, what the fuck? What grown man goes over to another grown man's house crying that he misses them? Excuse me, men can be friends as well, ma'am, okay? I think that guy friends can miss each other. I mean, what the heck? And also, this kind of proves what Austin and them are saying, that Paige is kind of a roadblock.

But I think it's kind of in her defense. I think that it's safety. I think if you're, if you're with somebody, you're like, stop hanging out with losers, you know? And I think that might be a little bit of what's going on here, or at least don't let those losers push you around as much as they do. And if they have a problem with it, then get fucking rid of them. And to someone who's never heard that that's an option before, it's like, whoa, you know, that is an option, which is why he's now drunk with the power of like, we don't have to be friends. I'm never going back there.

I was like dumbfounded. I was like, we're not dating. Like, what are you talking about? Paige, I think Austin wants to be you. Dress included, beta. It's like, I know, I better watch my back.

So Madison's like, yeah, Craig's in love. He doesn't want to be with Austin anymore. Sorry, it's over. So he's like, I thought it was good. But last night I had to do the inevitable. I had to record a podcast by myself. And Madison's like, oh, wow, really? Were there two words that actually went together in that whole thing? How'd that turn out? So I guess you're really not interested in building an audience, huh? He's like, yeah, like...

doing the podcast with him and stuff. It's like, you know, I like doing it, but not when he acts like this. I love when you get riled up. I'm so riled up right now. So then Craig and Shep meet up and Craig is trying to kiss his butt and warm him up with some gardening shoes.

And they go to a bar to get some non-alcoholic beer and stuff. And they're like, wow, this beer is amazing. So Shep's like, whoa, I texted you this morning because that's what Shakespeare did in Henry the 19th. As you like it. Anyway, what are we going to do about this tempest between you guys?

Well, yeah, like we've had great, great times. The internet knew I was coming to get you. And just as it did in Romeo and Juliet, it sent me a montage of our best times. Here's the time we were doing Coke downtown. Here's the time we were doing Coke on the east side. Here's the time we were doing Coke on that boat on July 4th. And then that dad got mad at a guy named after a Beauty and the Beast character and kicked him off the boat. Oh, gosh, what good times. Thanks, Siri.

oh and here's a montage of us on a bender and here's a picture from that bender i think this was the 12th night of it um so he's like it gives me goosebumps speaking of shakespeare so all the good times we've had around the world in the united states

Let's talk like this. The world is wrong with them. What's wrong with them? The United States? Yeah. Shep is like, but we don't have to live in the past, even though I'm going to say that our friendship is purely rooted in just having a past. So Craig is like, well, as soon as we accept each other for who we are or who we become, in my case, an enlightened person took ayahuasca and now is a good little boy. Yeah, exactly. Right.

You know what everyone's always called me? A lush. No. A deadbeat. No. A loser. No. A mediator. What's that? Well, it's someone who could look at two friends and say, all's well that ends well. Oh. So he's like...

He's like, look, just think it's important to at least try to maintain the bonds that were formed over the years, you know? And of course they're going to be frayed, you know, or try to repair them. Trying to repair them, it's a beautiful thing, you know? And I know Austin feels bad. He's a little confused right now. He sat down on his computer and was trying to figure out what is the concept of working at an office station? It's really going through, it's really doing a number on him right now.

So he goes through this whole thing of like, "Look at me, just trying to make things better between two friends as if I wasn't shit-talking Craig to try and turn Austin against him so that Austin would be on my side instead of both of them ganging up on me and calling me a dirty alcoholic that needs to stop assaulting women!"

So, like, my thing is I just kind of, hey, are you going to give him a chance? Or, like, you're not, like, not still pissed, but you're just, like, a little frustrated, right? So, like, what's the deal? It's like, look, you and I, when we have disagreements and, like, don't understand each other, we can take space because there's nothing tying us together other than our friendship. So I honestly think the solution would be to take a step back from the podcast. Oh, gosh, the podcast where you guys just...

Ramble on? Yeah. Because then how you live your life won't annoy me. Yeah. And he's like, well, I guess that's a good idea. I'd never like that stupid podcast anyway because it puts you guys together instead of me in the center. Good for you. Get rid of the podcast. And Craig's like, yeah, I mean, I do all the work. And he's like, yeah, you know, I noticed that when I did your podcast live, you kind of did it all. He's like, yeah, I do it for business and he does it to party. To me, talking to Lauren...

to Tommy Lauren until two in the morning shit-faced. That's business. For him, it's pleasure. Garsh, now that you guys are tabling your podcast, nothing's going to stop the Kelsey brothers from reaching the top of the charts.

So they agree that maybe they can get back to a good place. And then he gets a text and he's like, "Uh-oh, JT just texted me." And then we go to one minute ago at JT's apartment.

with like very frantic music. The music's like, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun

And then finally JT's like, want to meet up? So Craig's like, dear JT, would love to meet up with you, buddy. Seems like a lot of miscommunication going on here. Hit me back. I know that's actually what JT says in his text. Whoops. I was reading what JT wrote, but I forgot that he wrote it. I thought I texted myself by accident. I was like, is this my sperm? Did my sperm grow and text me? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I got distracted because guess what I just got a notice for? My delivery has just been delivered. The Page Collection blanket from Sewing Down South. Wow. Just came while we were recording Southern Charm, guys. That's funny. Look at this blanket. It's all X's. It's Page's blanket with X's on it. Oh my God, I can't wait to cuddle with you later. That's so funny because I came on the last episode of Southern Charm.

At the sperm bed. In the cup. I had to have clean hands. It was crazy. The nurse said that my sperm still came out with barbecue sauce on it, so I'm going to have to try again. But still! The nurse also texted and said, "Please take Paige's eyelashes off all our sample cups." I'm like, "But I think it looks nice." So I replaced them with googly eyes.

I just know that Austin's going to get really mad if I have coffee with JT. Anyway, I'm going to have coffee with JT because it's going to make Austin really mad. Ha ha ha ha ha. But JT did his, like, I'm fitting into Charleston scene where he's, like, standing in the mirror in a towel, which nobody asked for, okay? And he's got the blow dryer right up to his head and he's just staring at the blow dryer as it, like, shellacks his bangs up into Republican congressman mode, you know? And the music's like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

You know, like that horror, like a gate slowly opening and then it's just JT blow drying his bangs. This is fucking funny. Cut to next week. Whitney. I can't believe Craig met up with JT. Mother. What do we do about it, mother? Yes, and now they're all furious with Craig for daring to go meet with someone they've all decided is fired. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Fun times, everyone. Thanks for being here. Southern Hospitality, by the way, we will have a recap of that up next week, if you're wondering about that. And we will catch everyone on the next episode. Have a wonderful weekend.

And stay safe. Bye. Bye, everybody. Watch what crap ends. Would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alice and King. Our way is the Amber way. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Ashley Savoni. She don't take no baloney.

Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine DiBernardo has our heart-o. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. Dana C. Dana Do. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Itchels! Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no tricolors. Jamie, she has no less name-y. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo. Hava Nagila Weber.

Know Your Worth with Jason Kerr. We could all learn from Jennifer Kearns. She's Our Kind of Mess, it's Jennifer Messer. Sip Some Scotch with Jessica Trach. Knock Knock Knocking on Katie Mannock's Door. She's Our Favorite Streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Get a Bee in Your Bonnet with Lacey Bee. Rigging the Funk, it's Leslie Plunkett. She Gets an A from Us, it's Lindsay Dees.

Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. We love her on the rocks, it's Melissa Cox.

Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg. This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love-a-ya Olivia Williamson. Tastier than Flanderson, it's Rachel Manderson. Have a heck of a time with Rebecca. She sure is swell, it's Raquel. Yes, we can-a, it's Sedana. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. The Bay Area Betches!

Betches. And our super premium sponsors. She's VVIP, it's Amanda V. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. She's got a leg up, it's Beth Ani. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish, it's Jen Plish. She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch.

She's a little bit loony. Junie. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. We love him madly. It's Kyle Pod Shadley. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it. It's Lola Alcalani. The incredible edible Matthews sisters. She eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose.

Give him hell, Miss Noelle. Put on a kettle for Rebecca Weddle. She's the Queen Bee. It's Sarah Lemke. Shannon out of a can and Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain. She ain't no shrinking Violet Couture. We love you guys.

If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.