#2778 Trailer Trash Bonus: The Valley Season 2
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Well, hello, and welcome to What's What Crappens! I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben. Hi, Ben. Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? You know, just making our way through the week. Yep.

All that fun stuff. We've got a very special week. We are going to be in D.C. and Philly this week. We're so excited. In D.C., we're going to be doing Southern Charm, the first reunion. And in Philly, we're going to be doing...

which is very exciting. So while you guys wait for that, we're going to do a very special bonus episode, a trailer trash of the Valley season two. Normally these are on Patreon. So if you like this kind of stuff, go join Patreon. That's where they're at. Okay. Patreon.com slash watch it. Crappins. It's also where you get our,

recaps for the end of white Lotus, which we're going to do the next couple of, we just did a catch up recap of that. You'll find traders, recaps, their airport snaps where we mock people at an airport, stuff like that. It's fun. It's also where you get the video version of this. If you want to watch along as we take this down shot by shot.

moment by moment, millisecond by millisecond. What's up, man? Are you excited about the Val? How are you feeling? Of course. The Valley was one of the surprise...

hits of last year. None of us could believe how good it was. We all thought it was going to be garbage and awful and just miserable to watch. And it was so good. And I'm just really looking forward to it. We don't have Vanderpump Rules coming back anytime soon. And we don't have any Housewives on the radar, actually. So yeah, this is what we're going to need to get us through the spring.

Yeah. Now the big worry here is that Jax has come out of the closet with his coke addiction.

you know, right in time to promote his new podcast and this season of the show. And I, I cannot feel for Jack's I'm sorry. Okay. As someone with a Coke addiction a while back, I know that it sucks. I know that it's hard, but Jack's still sucks. And I'm not going to give him a break just because he has a Coke addiction, but good for him for working it through and stuff. If he ever does that. But Jack's still sucks. Okay. Here's Jack's right now on our screen. I mean, really wearing white, just white.

He sort of is looking like a very fresh egg, you know, he's got addiction. That's really, he really is. But he's got like a, this white blazer on. I mean, why, why are you going for a, like kind of almost like a Miami look while you're trying to show that you're past your coke addiction? Yeah. Yeah. Miami vice.

But here he is in his all white and his seemingly full head of hair. Ha ha ha. Turn around, sucka. So Jax, looking right into the camera and showing off. Did he always have these hand tattoos? He didn't always have these, did he? I think those are new. I don't know. I think those are relatively new.

Okay, well, here he is. He still can't grow full facial hair, so, you know, he's still got that part of youth about him, so he's there. The next shot is Kristen, dressed like curtains in an old theater, like saloon theater, that are closed.

Yeah, she's definitely giving kind of like a bordello decor look for her dress. She's like, seriously, seriously. And then Luke is walking with her and he's filled out a bit since last season. So he sort of has got like kind of a different look as a result. His beard is longer and more square. His hair is more filled out.

He's wearing for some reason, this like fuchsia shirt. It's not, I would not say it's like a great look for him, but it is a look for him. Well, you know, he's in some dockers and a pink shirt. Um, you know, this bottom button kind of unbuttoned, but tucked, you know, I know the feeling, I know the feeling Luke, uh, but you know, he's Luke. So that's good. And then we get Michelle. Wow. I'm wearing sunglasses. Yeah.

Look at me. I am Michelle Lally. I am gonna be full of hot tics because I'm single and ready to mingle for season two. And then we've got Zach with a fan that he's clinking shut like Kenya Moore.

And he's like, I've heard what everyone said about my hair. And instead of having it as a helmet, I'm going to have it like a helmet with hair that goes up a little bit in the front. So you can see it's my real hair. I'm getting like bangs. I'm getting like upturned bangs. It does look a little more natural though, his hair. So that's good. Poor guy. He really got slaughtered over that hair. Why are they giving them prop sunglasses? None of these people own these sunglasses. It's like a photo booth.

Yeah. They're like, okay, here's a prop. You can do a mustache, a fan, sunglasses, whatever you want. Just have fun with it. He's also going for a skin toned lip thing, which I'm not really sure what that's about, but you know, bless his heart. And then we get to Brittany fanning herself because, you know, they live in the Valley. It's hot.

She's got her Botox going strong. She's also wearing kind of fuchsia, fuchsia top, fuchsia belt. She's wearing a bathing suit. Is she wearing a bathing suit with the belt? She might be. She might be wearing a bathing suit. Yeah. And she looks like she's standing herself with a waffle. So that's, and then we go to, then we go to these two. Oh, Janet and what's his face? Yeah.

What's his face? I want to say his name is Brian, but it's not Brian. I forgot his name. Jason. Jason. No. Yeah. Yeah. Jason seems like he's so nice, but he supports Janet. Who's an emotional terrorist. So I don't trust him either. And I guess the girls are like, let's pink. Let's get a lot of pink in. So they're doing that. And the guys are just doing things that should go with pink, but don't like he's wearing like a fall orange shirt.

Yeah. Which doesn't go with this. Yeah, I think everything is supposed to be like reds and oranges and pinks. But like, yeah, I feel like there's the colors. The color scheme is a little odd. The palette is odd for me. But, you know, yeah, the Janet is now this will be our first non-pregnant Janet season, which is exciting. Janet is a terror, but I sort of enjoyed that she was a terror. Yeah.

She was really, really, really bad. And I held on to hope that she wasn't as bad as she seemed. And then she was as bad as she seemed. But I enjoyed it. I always love a monster. She sucks. So then just basically the quality of the clothes, I have to say. Sometimes in season two, they get a bigger budget and come back in nicer clothes. Not this cast. No. This cast is very much like Friday night at the Cineplex Odeon in...

the $5 theater. And I'm sorry, I'm thinking of New York, not the Valley, but like, is this stained? Is Michelle's outfit, what is it? Is this stained? - She found it out of the closet. And she's like, "Well, this will do." - Britney's bathing suit with the belt. And then this whole outfit is crazy.

And then we go to three under four, whatever he says. What's this thing? Well, it used to be two under three, but now they're pregnant. So it's going to be a three under four. It's Danny. Danny also got props on glasses. He's wearing a fuchsia blazer. I wonder if he got it from the same cheap place downtown that I got mine two years ago for the crappies.

Yeah, these are bad. And he's doing like the faux hawk from like, what, 15 years ago kind of thing. And kind of a Quaker collared shirt, which I think is really funny because, you know, he just wants to have a million children. Is that what that's called? A Quaker collar? Because I have two of those shirts and I'm like, what are these called? I'm getting rid of them. I call them Quaker collars. I don't know what they're actually called. I don't know fashion. Okay. But I call them that because Quakers wear them. And then we've got his wife. What's her face? Nina? Mia?

Yeah. Who Ben is still convinced is evil. You thought she was evil in the first, well, you said she would be evil, but then she had to be really nice, but will she be second season? I don't think so. Who knows? I don't think she's evil. I really felt like I had a lot of good signals to say that she was evil. The fact that she would call Danny Daniel, uh,

And she was very, she's very like surfacy. So I was like, oh, she's evil. Watch. She's going to be the most evil one. But she shockingly managed to be just a very nice person who was trying to have a sort of like mature experience on reality TV. And I didn't know what to do with it.

Well, she's the only one that looks kind of comfortable in this intro, boogying down. She looks great. She's like, oh my god, I'm not pregnant for five minutes, I'm gonna enjoy this. And pregnant, I'm pregnant again. By the end of this, she's like, oh, just got it back, I'm pregnant. So, I have an announcement to make, everybody. And then they give Jesse Lally, they give him also the egg yolk and eggshell combo that they gave to Jax. Maybe it's the same shirt.

Uh, maybe they're just giving the douchebags this, this orange shirt. Like this is the color symbol for like the worst douchebags on the show. Cause here he is again, he's, he's wearing this, the shirt is back again, I should say. And he's got sunglasses as well. Uh, he still has his hair dent. I'm, Oh, I'm still impressed that he, he continued. What?

Does he know not to wear that little band anymore? He loves that band. He just has that band and it keeps your hair dented. That's just how it goes. He's looking a little bit better this year. I like that. He insisted on wearing his own pants. He's like, listen, you've already got me dressed like a magician, but I'm wearing decent pants. Okay. I make money.

So then we go to this beautiful lady for The Bachelor. What's her name? How did we forget her name? Jacqueline. She really had such a bad... She was so wedged onto the show. She almost had no...

No role, although she did start shit She got she definitely was a little bit of a bone carrier and she got some drama going but she Her personal storyline was never really very vital to the show. Well her exact there to start shit with everybody else No, it's not we'll get it in a second But how do we not remember God I even recapped her on like two seasons of The Bachelor and I'm still forgetting her name That's terrible. Okay, I look it up. So I look it up then Kristen's like I have sunglasses, too. Oh

Also, I like to have killed. That's why I have, that's why I have music things tattooed on my arm. I've listened to music before. Sometimes when I'm being really fun, I put these sunglasses on Jill, the dog. It's hilarious. Seriously.

She's so weird. She has a treble and a bass clef turned into a heart on her arm. But then up here, she's also got the treble clef again. Like, you already got that. Are you just so drunk that you're forgetting that you're getting the same tattoos? But this time it's a heart. Jasmine. She's also got a necklace with a K and an L. Oh. Jasmine is the name, not Jacqueline. It's Jasmine. Yeah, duh. Thank you for looking. You know what's so sad is if you do a search on Google for Cast the Valley...

It brings up all these headshots and they include everyone but Zach. So mean. They also have this cast looks crazy in their photos that Google selects. You know, this picture that we're showing now is the logo and it's over a shot of the valley. And this really does encapsulate the valley. This is freeways. It's just freeways. This is like the part of the freeway. I've almost died.

It's like 10 freeways coming into one and then they're like, "Oh, you're the next exit? Go over 10 lanes in five seconds. Have fun." - Is this Laurel? I'm sorry, is this like the 101 and the 170 when they peel off with each other? I think it is. - There's like five freeways here. There's like a million freeways. - Yeah, this is what it is. And it's a nightmare. And here's what's really terrible about, let me tell people about driving on the 101 going west or north, whichever you decide.

What happens is you're driving on the 101 and the left two lanes peel off and become the 170. So you need to stay in the right lanes in order to be on the 101. But let's say this. Let's say you want to get off at Laurel Canyon Boulevard or Vineland Boulevard. So you stay on those three lanes and you're in the three lanes. You're on the right side of the highway ready to exit.

But then suddenly after you get, after the two lanes peel off to become the 170, all of a sudden your highway, the 101 merges with the 134. And all of a sudden you hanging out in the right lane, suddenly you're all the way on the left lane. And now you have to get to that exit and you were all prepared to go to the exit because you're in the right lane. But now suddenly surprise, you're all the way on the left side of the highway and you had no control over it. And now you've got to speed over an entire highway to get to your exit. That is this intersection right here.

Yeah, this is, it's hell. It's hell. So then we go to some shops in Val. Wow, Witsit. There's Ventura Boulevard. That's Laurel Terrace and Witsit. That's where all the good stuff happens.

And here we are, people on a boat. Let's press play. - This is not part of the valley, a boat. - What's that? - I guarantee. This is not part of the valley. There's no place for a boat or a body of water like this in the valley. - Yeah, this was a drive. This was a drive for sure.

Hey, baby. What the f***? That is so Kristen. Okay, so they're on a boat. It's Luke and Kristen. It's beautiful. He goes, hey, baby. And she turns around and falls. She's like, whoa. And she falls into a ring. And that's just so Kristen to be falling during her proposal. So he's like, hey, baby, you want to get chicken nuggets with me for the rest of our lives?

Seriously? Hey, baby. Seriously? What the f***? Would you be the catch of my lifetime, baby? It would have sucked. Would you be the catch of my lifetime, baby? Because they're fishing. They're hunting fish. Seriously? I didn't think that being on this boat here by Rancho Palos Verdes would ever lead to the moment of my lifetime. Seriously. I never knew that he really would take my love of Wicked Tuna so seriously. I proposed while we were fishing. It was like Wicked. It was Wicked Tuna.

I'm surprised they did not incorporate Jill into this proposal. Like, have Jill come up with a little ring in a box, you know? Oh, the dog. Jill. Jill, who they left all those rose petals for, and then Jill was like, it's me. Jill Zarin. Or Jill Zarin.

Who would have thought Kristen and Luke had the best relationship out of all? I think all of us thought that Kristen and Luke probably had the best relationship out of you two losers. I mean, you've got Jax and you've got Lolly sitting here. We knew your relationship sucked. You both seem like abusive fucking assholes. And Jax and his stupid Jax hat. Oh, my God. Yeah. By the way, he's got flowers behind fake flowers behind him that are shaped like his hat. Yeah. And what's his other shirt? He's wearing his Jax's shirt and flowers.

Is there something like dad life, dad, comma, dad, life, dad, life. Yeah. Dad life. Or in his case, absentee dad life.

Yeah, no kidding. Dad kicked my child out of the house so I can keep living there as I screwed his mother up. Not helping. Not helping at all, dad life. Best relationship out of all. Jax has been seeing people. He had a girl staying here at the house again last night. There is a song on my bathroom sink. Yeah, it's like, why was there a baby wipe on top of it? She wiped her vagina and it's on your f***ing counter.

There is a thong thong on my counter. There was a girl stained at my place last night. Brittany is just making up this accent now. Nobody talks like this. Okay. Nobody says no. What do you, the first act of my fair lady, nobody talks like that. And why are you wearing a blanket for a shirt in the Valley? It's 900 degrees.

J-A-X! Yeah, this is a meeting of the minds over here with Michelle, Janet, and Brittany. And they are discussing what vaginas may or may not have been wiped over in the household. Brittany, it's season two, do your roots! How is this the first thing we see of Brittany? Brittany, you're still a damn mess.

But you're better than Janet, because Janet looks like Janet's at some banking convention in the Midwest. Like, who dressed Janet? I don't think Janet wants to wear this. She looks unhappy in it. She's like, I told my friend, she's a struggling designer, that I'll wear it on TV, and I regret every single moment of that promise.

well it's better than my friend who designs comforters i'm wearing a dubai on the tv and michelle lolly's like oh my god i hate both of you i'm wearing c-drop reiner what is she wearing what are these people it's from it's from rob reiner it's just a it's just a white thin lazy thing it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial

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i want to see michelle lolly have like like smile like this is michelle lolly you're finally freed from jesse smile enjoy it be happy yeah well you got a thong with the baby wipe wipe on top of it she wiped her vagina and it's on your

The new Moby Dick for Brittany. Zach. The new Moby Dick for Brittany. Zach is wearing a tank top that's got like Real Housewives of Orange County cutouts in it.

Yes. It's a new tattoo sleeve that makes it away. Oh, no. This was just a party where he looks like he's been run over by a car. What's happening? Yeah. Well, something happened because Brittany has like a scuff on her elbow. Oh, there's Sheena. Sheena's there.

And then Zach is he has I don't know why is this like a zombie themed party? I'm trying to understand why there's why it's why there's so much graphic body arts going on right now. Yeah, but it's only him. And then she's got some on her elbow, but no one else has any of that on them.

She was like, well, I was going to participate in the theme of looking like you're involved by a zombie today, but then I was afraid that Summer Moon would get really scared, so I decided to refrain. Oh, well, this I think is a baby shower, because look, they have this balloon arch thing back here with purples and pinks, and then some kind of big balloon here. So do you think this is a baby shower? Yeah. Right? But then it would be a baby shower for Kristen, maybe, but then they all hate Kristen, so I don't get it.

Oh, I don't know. Well, don't they have to make up? Well, she's not in any of these scenes, so maybe not. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know who this is for. Stick for Britney. Oh, so is this a party? I guess this is, they're all dressed up in something. Race car? This is them being wacky doing like a NASCAR themed event. So that'll be fun. Okay. $20. Two stores. This was on me. Don't look weird as. You're mean to my friend.

Okay. So this is the wacky fun and games part. They're having a group dinner and Chris is like 20 bucks to snort wasabi. So Luke does it, which is not his $20. And he was like, they're $20, you know, trying to win the family.

Also, so I guess Kristen is back in with the group. So, you know, we never got a reunion last season. Never forget. So there's so much that we don't really know where they stand. You know, we don't know what the vibe is with this group. Now, is Jax there? Is there no Jax? Is this well, Jax is in rehab, do we think? Oh, probably because at the very end is Brittany and then Zach and.

And so we don't see Jax. We do see a new douche nozzle right here with his head. We only get the back of his head here. Yeah. The comb over is comb overing. And then this girl's new, right? That's not Nia. I think that might be Nia with a strange angle. Oh, okay. Well, that would make sense. She's sitting next to Jesse. Let's see. She doesn't look like Nia. Could be wrong. Maybe it is new. No, no, I don't think that's Nia. That's not Nia.

No, especially because we see Nia from that other shot is, I don't know who that is. She's an interloper. Yeah, I think this is Nia, this head right here. But let's see. Yeah, I think so. I think so. Don't look weird as f***. You're mean to my friend. I think you're toxic. I think you're a narcissist. And I'm happy I don't have to deal with you. Well, this. Well, damn. Who's that? Lala.

Lala coming in. Oh, this is Lala? Oh, Jesus. Why are they doing this? Come on, man. Your show got canceled. Go away. Stop the fucking with Lala. Look at Sheena next to her and be like, yeah, I'm just going to say it with my eyes. I'm with Lala. I stand with her. I have a nose ring now. Yeah, I have a necklace this summer.

- I think it's for my daughter, but because he's mean to her friends, he's a misogynist, which is not inaccurate. It's just, it's Lala, you know?

And Jesse, meanwhile, trying to be like Stan Strong, but he's got like fringe that's interrupting his hair. So he's getting really upset. He's like, I've done ayahuasca, which is why I'm wearing this necklace. And I have still healthy hair for my age. So fuck off. What about that? And I'm kind of upset that this umbrella fringe is getting into my hair. Also, I like that he's getting told off, but you can see through the reflection of his sunglasses what he's concentrating on. And it's her rack.

And just the boobs. Nothing but boobs. He's like, all I hear are your boobs. Sick. And I'm happy I don't have to deal with you. Well, this gave me a good laugh, so thank you for that. Scrotox. Let's frickin' shoot your balls up. Danny's getting scrotox. He's gonna be funny. Danny. He's gonna get in there. Maybe he'll do his, um, his, uh...

his video game voiceover while he's getting, doing the appointment. What was it? What was the video game he did? Was it Walking Dead, the video game or something? - Yeah, he's played, no, he's done the show Walking Dead. He plays a zombie in Walking Dead. He's got a never ending job where, yeah, he walks around and he's like, bleh. - That's funny. - So he's gonna get scrotox. He's gonna be wacky. - Okay. - And then Jesse's doing some sort of scream therapy.

- Hi, Mr. Kotschi, you've been served. - I already told him. - Oh, now it's Jack's getting served. - How special, how special that, you know, anytime that someone gets served on camera, I always feel like we are so blessed. - And look at Jack, look at the look he's giving. He's posing with his head down and his hands in prayer motion, and then he's slowly bringing his head up. Like, guys, it's me, Jack. - Yeah, he's somber. - Getting served, sucker. - He's been through things.

I already told him filing, restraining order and custody. It's like a very low end version of receipts proof timeline. Filing, restraining order, custody. Filing, restraining order and custody. And custody and chicken fingers. Do not forget chicken fingers. What is she eating? What is this? Is this like a noodle bowl of some sort?

Yeah. It's like some sort of fat. Like Chinese food to go or jade noodles or something. She's got a big ass knife for it, whatever it is. But I like whoever's eating with her is having a bowl. Yeah. Someone ordered sweet greens. She's like, I think I'm going to get jade noodles. My mom, big not for it. And is there cake here on the side? I love this. These people order like me. You know, it's what you get when Uber eats will go like to five places and also I'll have cake.

And also a bowl. But don't worry, I got my own steak knife. Because in LA, they don't give you that shit. I got my steak knife. Those noodles are real crunchy. I got my steak knife for it. In LA, they're like, we're saving a treat. Eat with your hands. I'll do that. Sorry. Oh, no, that arrow tattoo, that's to remind you which hand uses the fork and which hand uses the big steak knife. She's like, and by the way, I was stupid. Wait, hold on. Let me stop saying this. Which way is it pointing? Okay.

Yeah, she's having a big meal. I'm at the point where I'm so in love with the man I want to become that I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore. What? Oh, so Jax's addiction is rooted in his aspirations to be a better person. Got it. But see, this is what I'm saying about Jax. He's like, I'm going to do a very touching drug-addicted video

in my Jackson studio city hat, but also I'll also promote my bar at the same time. It's going to go viral. So I'm going to promote my bar. He's just so, I just don't believe a fucking thing from this guy.

You're in love with the man you could become. You're in love with the man that you are, Jax. Okay? You just think that nobody else is on board and you just need to do the right things to make them get on board with it. I also love how we're in the year 2025 and it's been probably a solid decade or two since we've used camcorders and still they're like, let's put the recorder with a little circle up at the top there just so everyone knows this is a home video. Yeah.

And we know this is fake because it's fully charged. That would never be Jax's camcorder. It would always be like blinking red, you know, like must charge, must charge. He'd be snorting the battery charge out. He's like going up to the picture. He's like, Jax, you can snort far out of it. I'm so in love with the man I want to become that I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore. Michelle. The infamous male on Bravo. I'm going to cry into a camcorder so people believe it. Also, look, he doesn't have the tattoo here.

Oh, on his hand. Well observed. Well observed. And he doesn't have them here. Yeah. Where'd they come from? So he must have got them in rehab. He realized the man he wants to be. She's basically quoting Jerry Maguire. I love you for the man he wants to be. And the man you already are. I love you. I love you, Jerry. He's like the human brain. He weighs eight pounds. Wow. Wow.

I want to be accomplished. That I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore. Michelle admitted that she cheated on me. Well, I don't blame her. Michelle admitted that she cheated on me. First of all, you didn't cheat, Jesse Lally, my asshole. You didn't cheat. Yeah, come on. Yeah.

um michelle deserved to cheat and god godspeed she i am proud of her i am i am proud of her for cheating i like this look she's giving she's like shirt in unfortunately i stained my dress right afterwards but you know i cheated on him a hundred years ago when this dress was first made nailed it cheated on him okay let's see who she cheated with

Michelle admitted that she cheated on me. I have evidence that she's sleeping with a billionaire for $1,500 a night. Did you? What the hell? So now you're going to call her a hoe on TV? Oh, that's Danny. So he's saying that she's like a hooker. Danny, turn Luke. I have evidence that she's sleeping with a billionaire for $1,500 a night. Who the fuck tells some walking dead extra their business? I want to see your evidence, sir. I'm not telling some under five zombie story.

what I'm paying somebody to sleep with them. Bullshit. Bullshit. Also, um, in the background, there's a book that says Mexican today. And I don't know, I don't know if, I don't know whose apartment we're in. Um, if this is Kristen's though, I like to think that Kristen found the book. I was like, I'd like to know what's going on with Mexico today. I'm buying the book. You guys know what's going on with Mexico today. Hold on. Let me get the book.

I think that this is someone who's just like, let's just get red books. You know, let's just get books that are the same color and put them together. Cause they're all with red. It's with other red books. Yeah. I think it's probably Danny and Nia's house actually, because I think Nia is the sort of person who organizes books by the rainbow. And she's like, I saw this on the complete edit or whatever that the home edit. Remember we watched that. We've recapped the home edit once. Yeah. She's like, we read books go together. Yeah.

So, suppose now if she is getting $1,500 a night, I mean, good for her. That's a lot of money. Goddamn. Yeah. Why not get paid for the things you enjoy? You know? Did you not cheat, man? Whoa. So he's saying, did you not cheat? And she throws a full, damn, that's a full glass. That's a lot. Look at all that liquid.

Good thing he had his hair already in a band because otherwise his hairstyle would be ruined. That's why I always wear his headbands because he gets so many drinks thrown in his face. So this is on a vacation, right?

I think so, because there's like a tap in the foreground. Yeah. And that makes it sort of looks like a vacation rental. I feel like she went and got a pint glass and filled all the way up. So that way she could just so she could do it to him, because that is a huge amount of water to come from a cup. Yeah. Just to be prepared in a Jesse scene. Okay. Yeah. When Jason goes out, he takes his wedding ring off. Oh,

this is the storyline i wanted this one right now this thing is gonna hit you jason

Now it's going to hit you. God, I love pregnant Mariposa. I feel like she just wants to sit somewhere and listen to Fleetwood Mac. Well, also, Janet's trying to fuck with Kristen. Like, Janet's never watched these shows. You are barking up the wrong tree, man, coming for Kristen. I hope Kristen ruins this chick's life for all the shit she's been trying to do with Kristen. Now, I point this out. I feel like in every...

episode we do of every show now, but these eyebrows stop. This trend has to stop you guys. Stop magic, markering on your eyebrows. You look crazy and they're all doing it. Even Jack's are like this now. Stop it. You look nuts. Okay. So she's saying that Jason is going out without his wedding ring. Meanwhile, Janet is dressed like a catering napkin. Like who folded her? Janet is so happy in this shot. Look at her. She's like, I did it. I finally got to kiss my husband.

he takes his wedding ring off there's been back okay so who are these two bald guys i don't know but they're they're clearly not supposed to be there because look at this random woman just laughing she's like who the invited these guys in the party she's like i'm the one he told i'm the one he told they're like yeah bro wedding ring yeah bro we got into the valley party bro can't believe it janet's like

Who are these men? Why are they in my party right now? I am disgusted. Does Janet have one outfit that's not terrible, please? I'm not even a fashion gay. Like, I don't sit here and stare at everybody's fashions, but come on, you guys. Like, I live in the Valley now. I'm going to need some more effort put in me. And I'm an old Navy gay. And even I'm like, girl, come on now. Why? And this, I don't expect much from the men though, I have to say. I love the girl on the right. I mean, she's one of us. She's like, I got into, I can't believe it.

I got into the show. I'm here. There's douchebags around. Janet's wearing something terrible. I cannot wait to tell my friends. She's like, how is this on television? Who is this guy? He looks familiar, though. This bald guy. He looks like he should be in one of those Sonic commercials.

You know, for the drive-thru. He looks like the old guy who dances for Six Flags. You know, those old commercials. Or like Michael Darby. These two guys definitely have Michael Darby energy. Yeah, I guess. There's been background of Danny getting wasted and handsy and inappropriate. Oh, there's a background of Danny getting wasted and handsy and inappropriate.

- Uh oh. So now she's like, "Oh, Danny, how could you get wasted and alcoholic and inappropriate, Danny?" And he's like, "It's 'cause every time I go try to read a book, they're all red." And it just makes me want to drink and get fancy with somebody. - I don't want to know what's happened with Mexico today. - Yeah, do you know what happened with Mexico yesterday? - At Harvard.

I love you. Put your head right in my boobs. Well, that's what I want it to be. That's what comforts me. Brittany, there's no other option. So Brittany is hugging Zach, who's sitting down, and she puts his boobs in his face, and she's like, come here, hug mama. She's like, hey, you got your boobs in, you got your face in my boobs. Where else are they gonna go, Brittany? Your boobs take up half the room. Brittany, and she's got some sort of like,

some sort of kerchief in her hair like a ribbon of some sort that then her ponytail i don't know what you call it when you do your ponytail like that where it's like a bunch of different balls dangling down but but then she's in a bright orange dress she's definitely giving a lot of different looks and patterns all at once yes

I think they're going to Mexico for July 4th. And so she just put that red, white, and blue thing in there. That's my guess. That would make sense. And he's like, I'm not going to wear red, white, and blue, but I am white, so I'll wear teal or like a dark aqua. And I'm halfway there. Yeah. It's just such an honor to finally be invited onto the cast trip. Brittany's like, I'm going to dress like they dress in America, like a pumpkin.

I'm going to wear American flag in my hair, but also wear a little bit of light blue too, just because it's fun. Yeah. You're exhausting. You give Karen energy and I'm done with it. My husband's not the one. Good for her. Jasmine telling off who I'm assuming is Janet because she says you give Karen energy. Right? Yeah. Oh, I thought she said you give parent energy. I was like, wow. Like Karen energy. That makes much more sense. Let's see. And I'm done with it. Missed it. Let's go back a little more.

You're exhausting. You give carrot energy and I'm done with it. My husband's not the one out here grabbing asses. Wow. Wow. So that means that Janet, this year, my God. So Janet sitting in front of a Casamigo sign is like, yeah, well, my husband's not the one out here grabbing asses. And Jason's like, could be.

I mean, is this, have they turned, well, it looks like the big sign on the back says Brits. Have they turned Jaxes into Brits? Is that the whole thing? No, he still has Jaxes in the Val, but she has Brits now in the Lisa Vanderpump Disneyland of West Hollywood. She opened a place called Brits on that stretch. That's right. Yeah, because look, and look at it. There's this Casamigos sign and then like a poster of her like printed out from like a Hewlett Packard and taped onto the Casamigos sign. So, yeah.

It's been great on this bar. God damn it. I can't be everywhere at once, you know.

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- The one out here grabbing asses. - Wow. - Uh oh, so Nia's like, "How dare you?" They're like in the El Compadre. She's like, "How dare you?" Do you know how hard it is not to eat the shell on this taco salad without listening to you talk about my ass?

The fact that you're talking about my husband when I put so much research into finding out what's happening in Mexico today, and here we are in Mexico, I'm ready. And now you're going to ruin this moment. Mexico today, people are being mean to my husband. Brittany's roots just keep getting longer and longer in every episode. I love it. F*** you. What happened? What did you say? You're f***ing drunk. Well, she's...

Okay, so I love that she tells Janet, fuck you, and leaves. And look at stupid Janet. She's like, it's supposed to be my birthday at the bank today, but I guess we're just going to all ignore that. Here goes Janet. Not getting her birthday at the bank again. Michelle's like, is anyone else disturbed that I match all of the plates on the table? This lady behind me. I decided to dress like shredded iceberg. What did you say? Sorry, what were you saying? We got...

I was saying that Michelle was like, I decided to dress the same color palette as iceberg lettuce today. I was saying this lady's walking behind them like, I'm not clearing that table. These fuckers aren't tipping me anyway. They never fucking definitely not. Yeah, definitely. Look how messy that table is. Okay. You're a bitch.

Well, she's a hooker, so it's fine. Oh my God. These two are gonna be great to watch. So these two are gonna be- You're a fucking drunk and Jesse says, well, she's a hooker. Whoa, my God. Yeah, these two are gonna be like the Edward Albee duo of the season. They're just gonna be going low blow. They're really going there this year. She's a hooker, so it's fine. Of your fucking child. This is why I- Well, I mean, damn.

Wow. Wow. It's getting darker. She's like, I'm screaming behind my goal. Wait, how are they getting this whole shot of her from behind an umbrella? How are they not? How did they not swiftly just like get around that? But like, how do they center that umbrella pole on the shot? Come on now. I am the mother of your child.

I am the pole of your child. How dare you? I keep this family sheltered from rain and sun. Yeah, these two are disaster. It's great. I just love, I just love this shows like, okay, congrats. You had a great first season. We're giving you even less money for the next season. We're giving you a cameraman who's in film school, freshmen and

$5 to shop at the Joanne's Fabrics for your costume for the rest of the year. The clearance, since they're going out of business. Mother of your child! This is why I feel crazy 24-7. I've never blacked out and hurt my friends. Thank God. That's all we get of Zach. They're like, and now Zach. Hair, Zach has... Somewhat more natural and lifelike than before. And he's like, this is why I feel fucking crazy 24-7.

So now he has an even newer look. He has like a pompadour going on in the shot. There's a pompadour there. And then he goes right to like backwards cap, which is, I don't know, something is, that's a lot of hair to cram under that cap, I have to say. It's a lot. It does have a lot of hair. His hair actually looks really nice here in this one.

I'm so jealous. It's nice. It's like very like Alan thick, right? Yeah. It's very thick hair. Okay. So I stopped and I've never blacked out and hurt my friends. Oh, okay. So now we're, now we're judging each other like on how shitty we are. Okay. So you are fine for now, except your beard is going to get out of control. I'm telling you right now, Luke. And then although, is he wearing a shirt? No,

So is he wearing a shirt that says Valley Crew? Yeah. He's a little on the nose. He's branding what we're already watching. He hasn't figured out like you're supposed to brand another business, but he's wearing that. And then Jason, you're taking off your wedding ring to flirt with other people. Don't blame you. I mean, you're married to Janet and now we're going to judge somebody because he blacks out occasionally. Come on. He's like, I'll go to church. I've got four under five.

Four under five. I'm trying to figure out where they're eating. There's a lot of these little French fries on all the glasses and the paper wrappers. Is that a place that we should know about? H&H? Is it H&H? H&H?

I don't know. Is that what it says? I can't tell. I want to go there. It looks delicious. Johnny rockets. No. What is that? I want to get a, I want to get a basket of fries and like a beer and a little, a little condiment in a, in one of those little containers on the side. Who's stopping you buddy? And I want to, I want to, I want to have a glass of a cup of water that because it's free, they give you a really tiny cup for, so you have to go back up. I thought that was a shot.

I think that's just like a, that's just water on the side. So, you know, you're like, oh, I've got to go refill it 10 times because they will only give me the smallest cup. I know bastards. Okay. And Jason's like, listen, I make a lot of effort. I've eaten the least amount of fry sauce as all of you. So I don't know why I'm getting in trouble. Yeah. He has a lot of fries left in his basket. Everyone else went all through theirs, but his is, his are so high there. You can see them above the paper.

Yeah, he's the best body here. So he's like, I'm not eating these fries and I'm only having a sip of beer. So suck it, fry sauce. He's like, I see Jax. I see Jesse. I'm not going to become one of them. I will only get one fry. I can't take it. I want to scream. God dang it. That's how we talk in the Valley. Like, God dang it. I don't want to scream. And he's like, yeah, me too. Me too.

Oh, look who's here. Other Logan. Lala's going to ruin this show. I'm calling it right now. Why would they let Lala on here? Brittany just won something at Dave and Buster's, it looks like. Point crash. No, this is not as classy as the Dave and Buster's, wherever this is. No.

Oh, get in line. Just kidding.

but i love that they're getting she's like crying she's like you guys don't know how poor i was growing up and they're getting a private chef i know catered dinner with like well also guys they're in the dessert course it looks like and this looks like it's some sort of fruit but like maybe like an ice cream element and they're all like nia this is nice but our ice cream is melting we have to start eating oh i thought this was like a caprese because see all the pretty oh you know what i think it's a caprese yeah yeah i think it's crazy either way

Could you at least wait till we get to our dessert? I mean, go ahead. Wait to cry about being poor. Give it a second. And Janet's like, I wore another terrible outfit for this, so why do we have to concentrate on you being poor? Okay. All right, let's see. Michelle Lally's like, Michelle Lally's like, I just climbed out of a well and attacked someone through their television. How was your day going? So like, hey, rent. I had to take my car to the parking lot where I work.

- He has people watching me. - Oh no. So we go to Brittany's house. But first of all, the way they transitioned, she's like, "I had to sleep in my car after work." And then it transitions to Brittany holding her baby. That's cold, you guys. So Brittany's standing by a box that says "Bread." - I was gonna say, I wonder where they keep the bread in this house.

And she's holding the baby who's, I think, got a mullet, which I don't approve of. And then it goes into that recording TV filter. And she says, Jax has people watching me. So he put cameras in that. I mean, that doesn't look like a hidden camera. So he's just like tapping into the cameras and watching them. I guess so.

Jax is watching me, ye ye ye ye ye. Meanwhile, there's a camera crew there. Yeah. So much behind me to attack me because you're going through something. Michelle and I are the most sane people in this whole house. Oh God, this show really goes off the wire. So Jax is watching Brittany through the cameras. He's pulling a Ralph and Brittany is still into rope art. I'm not really sure what this is. Yeah. Big rope just hanging there in the back. Yeah.

And then she comes for Mia and Mia's like, oh, oh, you don't get to cry about going through a hard time. And that's why you're coming for me. Except I think that that's probably why Nia was just crying over her caprese, like trying to get them to stop coming for her. Cause she went through hard times. So it's going to be like a trauma Olympics, which is very, very nowadays guys. It's drafty in this house. Cause she's wearing a blanket. And then we go to Jesse and he's also wearing a blanket.

So maybe they're like in Big Bear or something like that. There's somewhere cold because he's wearing the same blanket. Although no one else seems to be cold. Just Jesse and Nia. Jesse's just hanging out with the camera crew watching. It's like behind the scenes. Yeah, exactly. Just watch the women shoot their scene. Yeah, it's like we're the most normal out of all these people. Michelle and I are the most sane people in this whole house. Yes, I'm going through some shit. I just want you to be there for me. That's all I want, Kristen. She's...

It's always the dudes. When the wife is pregnant, the dudes are like, I just need someone to be there for me. You don't have a child inside of you right now. Yeah, she's like, I'm holding a baby with a beard inside of me, and I've had this braid on for like an entire year or so. I put the braid on because Nia said that's what was happening in Mexico today. For me, that's all I want, Kristen. It's your reason it's crazy Kristen, not crazy Jen. I'm done with that. Don't make...

So now Luke's like, I'm going to walk around the hotel in my underwear. I'm very upset. No, this isn't Montana. Get your ass back inside. Nobody needs this nice hotel to watch you walk around in your fucking Hanes. Yeah, put on a robe. Come on now. For some reason, it's Crazy Kristen, not Crazy Jen. I'm f***ed.

For some reason, it's Crazy Christian, not Crazy Janet. Oh, Janet's going to be a victim this year. Hey, there's that new girl. That's that same one from that dinner party, remember? Who was that? Where I thought for a second it was Nia? Yeah, why aren't they telling us who she is? That's so weird. Not Crazy Janet. I'm done with that! Was she the girl who was smiling at us? She wasn't the girl who was smiling at us, was she? No. Okay. This is a different girl. So then, on a boat, Brittany's in the captain's hat.

She's like, I got a knife. This knife isn't as good as the knife I got at home to eat my takeout, but it'll do. And Zach looks crazy. He's making that face of the Kravitz neighbor always spying on Bewitched. What's going on over here? He's like, I can't take one more fucking second of this shot. I can't take a...

Don't make me knock your ass out. Knock me out. Brittany's wearing a little sailor cap. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, first of all, what? Brittany's wearing a little sailor cap and a lei. But she's also got her fork and a knife. She's like, ready to eat her meal, too. And then there's some random dude next to her. Brittany's not going to stop eating her meal to fight. She's like, I'm in the middle of a bite, sir.

uh so then janet is about to get in a fight with who is that that's fighting with janet i can't tell who it is hold on let's listen to it it's very important don't make me knock your ass out knock me out fan

Oh, someone says, don't make me knock your ass out. Whoever's in an orange dress. It sounds like Michelle. Kristen, I think, says you're a fan. Oh, okay. So she's like, don't make me knock you out, bitch. And Janet says, knock me out. And she goes, you're a fan, bitch. Which is true because...

she got into all these people by being a personal assistant to Sheena. That's where Janet came from. And then she just kind of like kept climbing her way until she ended up badly dressed on this show. I've never seen someone climb a ladder this high and stay in Rayon the whole time. I've got to give her credit. And also clearly no Jax on this trip. Jax is really missing from a bunch of this entire trailer. It's wild. Yeah.

i was terrible husband good father great father terrible husband yeah you are not a great father how can you be a great father if you're a terrible husband you are not a good father sir you had brittany and your child move out of the house so you could stay there yeah that's not a good father we saw we saw how hands-on you were saying we saw hands-on you were you were not you were barely doing anything over there and look at what sweatshirt he's wearing while he says that violent yeah it says violent

Yeah. It's probably violence or something. And then, of course, Tom Schwartz, a little dollop of Tom Schwartz and the entire thing. He's like, yeah, bro. Yeah, man. Yeah. Great dad. Yeah. What's your daughter's name again? He's like, I don't know. Do stuff with your daughter. The Valley, all new season, April 15th. Wow. Great. We'll be there.

Absolutely. We will be, I can't wait. It's going to be, it looks like a really good season. Oh yeah. It's going to be fun. I'm glad Janet's going to get hers and all the men are going down. Damn. All the men except Luke.

Look like they're going down this year. All right. Well, this was a fun one. Thanks, everybody, so much for being here. We will talk to you next week, okay? Bye, everyone. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no below.

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