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When a young woman named Desiree vanishes without a trace, the trail leads to Cat Torres, a charismatic influencer with millions of followers. But behind the glamorous posts and inspirational quotes, a sinister truth unravels. Binge all episodes of Don't Cross Cat early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Watch one crab, big kiss.
Hello everybody, welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie, that's Ben over there. Hello Ben. How you doing, you sick little man? I'm doing okay, thanks. How are you doing? Good. Got the sniffles and the snorts over there.
Yeah, it's a nice little gift from my brother from when I went to New York last week. That bastard. We're switching off weeks. Yeah, so if you hear some...
Jax is not a part of this podcast today. He's just been feeling under the webs. Well, thanks for showing up anyway. You're a real trooper. Oh, wow. Listen, it's just a little stuffy nose. No big deal. It's not like when you had strep throat and were showing up. So you're the real hero here. Oh, that's right. Never forget.
Just kidding. Welcome, everybody, to the show today. It's another Jesse is a Douche-filled episode of Summerhausen. But we do learn about a new kind of porn today, so that's fun. But before we get into that, guess what?
We have live shows coming up. The end of our tour is coming up in May. We're going to be in two shows in Texas, doing two shows in Texas, rather. We're going to be in Austin and Dallas. And then we're going to Vegas. Go get your tickets and ticket links and all that good stuff at WatchWhatCrapins.com. That's also where you'll find links to our Patreon, which is where you get video recaps of all of our shows and...
Bonus episodes. This week we did a trailer trash of Next Gen NYC. The new youthful, glowy show on Bravo coming up. Lots of other stuff we'll do below deck next week because they had a pretty good preview drop yesterday or the day before. So we'll be back there. But today is Summerhausen! Summerhausen! Summerhausen! Get Lexi...
Finally, standing up for herself, kind of in a weird way. She didn't really stay on track with that argument. But we'll get to that as well. It was a pretty good one. How do you feel, Ben? Yeah, I thought it was really good. I was actually proud of Lexi. I feel like Lexi has been kind of a one-dimensional entity on this season so far. She's sort of come in and
And she's just been kind of giggly. And she tries to give us some insight into her life as a model. And she loves her sister. And she's been kind of one note. She just sort of is there and likes Jesse. But this is the first episode where she seemed like
that there was like some more layers to her. And I liked that she kind of flipped the narrative on Jesse and was like, Oh no, you're painting me. Like I'm the crazy one. I'm not crazy. I'm the one who actually has like a million followers on Instagram. I'm not,
I'm not sweating over you. You're sweating over me. I'm not the jealous one here. Like people, people try, people are always in my DMS trying to get with me and you're trying to make it seem like I'm desperate to be with you. It doesn't work that way. I was like, you know what? She didn't say that, but that was like what I put onto her.
And I liked it. I would have liked it more had she said that. Because when I say she kind of lost the lead in that argument, she went, that's what the argument should have been. But instead it was like, but you've been flirting with people too much. I was like, did you not hear what Amanda just said? Go back there and listen to what she just said again.
And then come back to Jesse because I need you to tell him off proper now. He deserves it. And I need it properly done. Okay. Don't make me show up there myself because I'll do it. You know, I will. It will be in a white van, but I'll do it.
So we got it from her. So that was pretty good. And it was a game of telephone. It's like classic summer house. Amanda hears one thing but then repeats words differently. She kept like trying to brand yellow flag as if somebody else said it. You were the one that said it, man. We have it in your thing, which is not a big deal. It's just a good old fun game of telephone. Summer house and telephoning. Yeah. Yeah.
It was a good episode. So we start off with everyone showing up to the house. Kyle and Amanda are there first, so he's really happy about that. And Wes and Jesse are in the car. They're driving together. And Jesse's like, dude, dude, last weekend was a big weekend for you, Wes. I mean, you said goodbye to Sierra Beast. And she said goodbye back without even smacking her hands away, Beast. Like, that's pretty cool, Beast.
Uh, yeah, and West is still showing up wearing little bandanas. It needs to stop. Okay? Your tinted glasses and your bandanas. Stop it. Okay? You're forever not 21 anymore. It just needs to be said. Please. So then, um, we, uh, they're in the car and they're both cheering for each other. And Jesse is like, my boy's back! Yeah, maybe she'll say hi when you come in today, bruh.
So he's like, "So what's up Jasper's mom?" - Which I didn't really get that. - That's a cat. - I don't know. Oh, Jasper's mom, yeah, maybe that's right. That's right. And Jesse's like, "Yeah, she's a male foe." Wait, I'm not allowed to say that anymore actually 'cause Lex is just like, "You should wanna change your behavior to protect us." And I'm like, "That makes sense." I don't think she's saying you need to change your behavior to protect us. She's just saying, "Could you please stop perving out on other people's Instagram?"
The biggest twister of every truth today is Jesse. He has no problem just lying over and over again. It's actually getting kind of funny because I'm wondering, like, does he really think that things were said that way? Nobody told you to protect the relationship. She said to stop flirting with every fucking person with boobies, sir. Yeah. So Wes is like, I mean, I guess that makes sense. And he says, yeah, I guess it's called growing up.
And Wes is like, growing up, never heard of her. So then Jesse talks about how many concessions he's made. And he's worked so hard to make this work. Like, he told one of his best girlfriends to stop touching my arm. Okay. I'm unfollowing hot girls on Instagram. I'm basically masturbating to my own imagination. So, I mean, what more do you want from me?
Wow. I mean, this guy's he's, he's truly a martyr. I mean, I know that I know that we're trying to find a vacancy, fill a vacancy over at the Vatican. I don't know. Has someone considered Jesse Solomon? I know it's a different religion, but this guy's essentially a saint for what he's doing as far as I can tell. Yeah. And I think I need to point out here at the beginning, the,
The argument was never Sierra is flirting with you. I need Sierra to stop flirting with you. The argument was you were flirting with Sierra. So it doesn't matter that you asked Sierra to stop touching your arm. Cause that wasn't the point, sir. Yeah. Precisely. Cause he brings it up over and over. Like he's done this heroic thing by asking somebody to stop touching his arm. Sierra wasn't the problem, sir. Yeah. So, um, now they're talking about Carl and, uh,
Then we see Carl. He's there. Yeah. And Carl's like, Carl's like, Hey, Hey, Hey beasts. Hey, youthful beast, which I'm also a beastie youthful member of said clan of youth. Yeah.
Oh, it's like you excited for the weekend, Carl? I was like, yeah, feeling good. We have a guest this weekend. She loves magic and I met her parents at a youth basketball game. Oh man, you got another girl? Oh wait, sorry, mixed up my weekends. It's actually me, Tom Schwartz. Tom Schwartz who has a new podcast.
Yeah. Did you see that? It's called Detox Retox. Detox Retox. And people are confused about the name of Detox and Retox, but it's because on Vanderpump Rules, he went through Detox and then drank. And then he was like Detox Retox. And he doesn't have very many iconic things, so I guess that's what he chose. So in case I'm the only person who remembers that, I was like, wow, there's that not very memorable thing that Tom Schwartz said that time. I guess let's build an empire off of it. Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Well, good for him. He's, uh, I'm excited to see this endeavor, uh, last a few episodes before kind of petering out like everything else he's done. No. Yeah. So, uh, well, Katie's in his first one. Oh, well, good to see he's branching out on his own. Yeah.
Apparently, he keeps saying that he and Katie are separated and she had to keep reminding him that they are, in fact, divorced. So I guess this explains why we're seeing Tom Schwartz all over Bravo this week, because we have him on Summer House and the Valley. So clearly just a publicity publicity storm for to announce this new podcast. So that's, you know, we should have known we should have known that there was no accident that we saw Tom Schwartz on two different shows.
Yeah, danger. Oh, by the way, speaking of danger, I do look kind of like I was beat up today. Do you notice my eyes are bruised? No, I don't. There's a little bruise here and then there's another one over here. I put very bright lights on. Yes, by myself. What happened?
I got these stupid little things off of Facebook. Look, I know you're not supposed to order shit like this on the Facebook, but I can't help it. I don't even know why I'm on Facebook. I'm like 83. Okay. I go on there to read our groups and then I always get served these ads and I inevitably buy whatever they're trying to sell me because it's like, oh, you can get rid of your under eyes. And I'm like, I'm Lebanese. Send it over. You know, I feel like I should get a discount.
So they sent it over. It's these two little machines that you put on your under eye things. And then they shock the shit out of your under eye and they like put electrical pulses into it, red light and all this stuff. What could go wrong? What's that? What could go wrong? Yeah. And so I'm like, hmm, nameless company from China selling electricity directly into my eyes. Sounds fun. So I ordered it, put them on. It felt like I was being tortured. Yeah.
It was like that. I mean, it hurt like a bitch, but I was like, hey, no pain, no gain. And then I took them off and the bruising actually went down, but I looked like I got my ass kicked. And then I looked at the directions because, you know, that's when I look at directions after I shocked myself to death.
You applied something to your eyes before looking at the directions. Okay, go on. Well, it hurt, but I thought, well, maybe it'll get rid of the floaters. That's what I was thinking, you know, because I have floaters. So it didn't work. I was like, electrocute the floaters out. That didn't work. Instead, I got bruised eyes. And so I read the instructions afterwards and it said I'm supposed to be using these gel pads under them. So there you go. But anyway, that's why I look like I've gotten my ass kicked. No member of the valley has found me yet.
Okay. Well, I'm glad you're safe and sound. I'm glad you were not actually the victim of any sort of hate crime. You were just the victim of a Facebook product. It was self-hate. It was a self-hate crime. That's good. I was like, I hate my under eyes. I'm going to beat them up. Well, it's not as big of a self-hate crime as it would be listening to Tom Schwartz's podcast.
god i should have done that at the same time just gotten that all out of the way i'm so mean it's probably a perfectly like nice podcast like he probably just gets on there and ambles about like you know just rambles about a root beer he had and how he went to the ralph's at on violent and ventura and saw something on sale you know by the deli stand it's probably like totally benign and i'm so mean because i'm under you know what because i got sniffles so i have um i have
I think when you have sniffles, you have the right to be a little more crankier than usual. And so therefore, I pulled the sniffle. You don't need to ask for the right. You're a podcast host yourself. You can talk about grocery store sales, beating your own eyes up. Whatever the fuck you want. Go ahead. All right. So Kyle is in the kitchen now and Amanda's on her phone. And he's like, hey, what are you doing? Looking at the pictures of my dick that I've curated. That's just funny.
And then Carl walks in and hugs Amanda. I say, hey, you look pretty. Hey, you want to try something out? As long as I'm hugging you, you want to try to hug me a little bit harder? Harder. Harder, Amanda. It's not as good as a hug. Pretty good. I'm really growing. I'm really growing into hard hugs now. Branched out. Be less soft. Be less soft. So Amanda is a businesswoman now. And we know this because she's wearing, like, 70s glasses.
She's like, I'm a business person. I was like, yep, I can tell. You've got the glasses. All of us do that when we're being business-like. We get kind of like, you know, prescription-free sunglasses from the kiosk and we make it work. But she made her big boob swimsuit line a thing. And she's like, I announced my swim line on social this week. My first bathing suit is the guacamole. It's just...
Two avocado shells tied together with a string. It's selling pretty well, actually. Yeah. It's called Amanda Batchula Swim. And people like it. So anyway, she launched her bathing suits. So that's going well. And then here comes Schwartz arriving up the driveway, truly like a puppy dog. His head is hanging out the window as if he's never...
arrived anywhere before he's like you know feeling the breeze in his face oh wow i'm here whoa wow it actually came to me wow but you're here this is amazing wow come on in um here he is
He's like, wow, can I just bring stuff in for a sec? Oh, wow. This is so special for me, guys. Like, I don't want to get emotional here, but, you know, I'm not secretly divorced this time. I'm not mired in controversy. My butthole isn't hurting. So that's good. I'm bleeding from any of my buttholes. I forgot when they visited with the cast of Vanderpump Rules that he started bleeding from his butthole and had to go to the hospital. Yeah, I forgot that entirely. Yeah.
Wasn't that your podcast? And all the storylines that you could have brought up, you brought up re-talks, detox? No. Bring up bleeding from my butthole. Yeah. Yeah. Say they call it the very anal podcast or...
I don't know. You can just call it that. So then, you're too clever. I say, just call it bleeding from my butthole, the podcast. So, uh, Tom's like, yeah, this is great. I'm not divorcing. I'm not secretly divorcing and I'm not bleeding from any holes. I could just be here and enjoy myself. So, um, uh,
They're like, yeah, cheers, bro. So then Gabby and Lindsay and Lexi show off and Tom introduces himself and he's like, oh, hi. Oh my God, Lindsay, you're pregnant. That's why. I was like, hi, Schwartzy.
A lot of hellos, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi's, hi
Yeah, so then some hellos to Tom. And Tom's like, I was just telling everybody. I only saw two people on the drive here, you know. I thought I saw West and you. Was that you? I was like, I don't know. One of you was in a, yep, it's one of you's intended glasses and a scarf. So it must have been you. That was really good. It was very Thelma and Louise of you. Oh, yeah, short zebra. Beastie short zebra. Yeah.
So then, um, Sierra fist bumps, uh,
Well, Jesse goes in for a hug. He tries, he's like, Hey, yeah, he tries to go in for a hug and she's like, Nope. And she says we can fist bump. And he's like, what? He's all sad. His frown is his smiles turned upside down into a frown. And she says like, you know what? You told me not to touch you. So make it make sense. Cause I'm going to serve you too, which I like. I like when Sierra gets into this mode and she just tortures a guy. Uh, you know, she's been doing it to West all season, but it's nice to see her doing it to Jesse too. Yeah.
So now they're finally bringing in boxes and it turns out they are Amazon presents a snooze fest. Sierra, Paige and Amanda are going to throw a party and it's going to be a snooze fest where everybody has a bed to sleep on outside, which sounds like heaven. I would actually go to parties if this was actually a thing.
Yeah, this is actually one of their most impressive parties, just in terms of the sheer amount of design that goes into it. Significantly better than that pirate party, because yes, the pirate party did have a boat, but the boat was just purchased. It was just rented. The boat came in, and then all Carl did was put out a blue tarp, and that was like, hey, almost like the ocean. But here they actually built beds out of trampolines, and they made bows, and they made it look really nice, and I give this one an A+.
Yeah, they required a lot of creativity, this one, and had to build stuff. It was like Drag Race, but for, you know, average kind of boring straight people. This is what straight people would do with Drag Race. They're like, let's make dream catchers. Yeah, exactly. Oversized dream catchers and giant bows. In the foyer, for some reason. So then, so basically, the girls are going to stay home and do crafts, and the guys can go out and have boys night, boys night. Fun and arts for the boys. Ha!
Yeah, so Schwartz is going to be sleeping in Emerald's room, and they're like, you might want to wear a condom in there. And West is like, yeah, you're going to hear people talking to you when you wake up at 2.30. You're just going to turn to them and say, you guys think Sierra's still mad at me? Oh.
Toegate. Let's talk about Toegate. And so Tom asks what Toegate is. And they're like, no, let's not talk about it in front of girls, bro. Take everything so personally. So they go up and show him his room. And then Carl's like, okay, okay, let's read out Toegate. Okay. So like he's chilling with two girls in bed, listening to sweet beats from the Senate Club downstairs. And you just like, what do you do? You come in and you hop in the bed. Like, what the fuck, bro?
This is actually worse to me than I actually envisioned it. Because in my mind, I thought Emeril was with two girls in this bed and Jesse pulled up like a chair and had his like foot on the bed. But he shows that he actually got onto the bed and had his foot up by the pillows, which by the way, don't put your feet by the pillows first and foremost, but he had his foot up by the pillows, which is where their heads were. So like you were actually on the bed too. I just think this was,
This is not right. This is not right. If you're trying to sell, you know, monogamy and exclusivity to this girl, and then you do this, I think this is a, this is an infraction. I would say. Yeah. I'm so tired of togate. I'm so glad that it's coming to a head. Wink.
So he's like, yeah, you know, they're laying in the side. I was laying that way. You know, my foot was up by their head. And then so Emeril said, suck his toe. And I was like, sure. Yeah. Suck my toe. Which we didn't hear Emeril said that. We just heard you say, suck my toe. And then he gets his toe sucked. And Tom's like, was it a prolonged toe suck or just like a kiss or what kind of toe suck was it? He's like, no, it's just a little. It's like, was she deep throating your toe? How long is his toe? Tom? Yeah. Probably pretty long, actually.
So, Jesse's like, yeah, I didn't even bring it up to Lexi because it was just like a drunken joke. Yeah, it sounds silly. Yeah. My motto is when you're in a relationship, don't bring up anything to your girlfriend. So, Jesse's like, yeah. I would have just said I was lost in Mexico. But, you know, we just do it our own ways, I guess. He's like, yeah, but it actually got brought up to her at a kickball game, which is just like so ridiculous. Yeah.
And he's like, so I'm going to be a good boy tonight. All right. Boys are going to have fun. It's all about boys. Tonight we're going to deliver Carl's cock. All right. We're going to deliver Carl's cock to the masses. But deliver it in a mindful way. In a functional way. So then. In a soft way. Thank you. Soft. Soft. It's soft. But it's Carl's cock. Soft. It's soft. It's like trying to figure out itself. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.
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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I
I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.
My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
So now the boys are carrying up all the bags and everything and the bags go in different places. And the girls are just doing arts and crafts right there in the foyer. I'm like, you guys have a whole mansion. Could you like move out of the way from the door, please? I mean, I appreciate what you're doing, but this is not the right place to do it. Lexi actually hugs Jesse in that way where she goes up to him and she puts his arms up around his neck because he's like a giraffe.
And then she just gets up to him and just stares deeply into his eyes. Just go... I don't know. Isn't there like a park to go to? Can you just go to a park? It's so annoying. It's like when... He's not going to Iraq. Yeah. It's like he's going to dinner. Yeah. Stop it. So now the boys go to dinner. They order shots. Because they're boys. That's what boys do. And then the girls are ordering Uber Eats. What else? And they're singing Girl Dinner. And...
Girl dinner, girl dinner. Girl dinner, girl dinner. Girl dinner, girl dinner. Girl dinner. So sad that Paige can't be here for girl dinner. Yeah. Yeah, she needs a moment, guys. Paige needs a moment. She's taking a moment away from...
girls dinner. So then Amanda's like, so Lexi, did Jesse make it official with you? Like you said that you guys are exclusive, but does that mean your boyfriend and girlfriend? And Gabby's like, uh-uh. Boyfriend and girlfriend is different than being exclusive. I looked it up on TikTok. Yeah.
Lindsay's like, "Oh, you're a millennial of you?" Alexi's like, "Yeah, the other day we were standing in the kitchen and he's like, 'Look, there's really no difference, so you're my girlfriend.' But also I feel like there has to be a transition time, because we're still gonna know each other, because we've known each other for about 72 hours, so I don't know."
I'm like, I know that I like him, but I'm just not really sure how comfortable he's going to be in bed with my mom and my sister and me. So like, there's still hurdles. I'm just not sure if he's comfortable yet with the idea that he will be wearing lip liner around my house. I'm not really ready to be with a guy who's not contouring yet. So now the bros are talking and Jesse's asking, uh,
asking Carl how his drive to Sierra was to Montauk last week. He's like, oh, it was good. And Jesse's like, hey, so no OTPHJs, which means over the pants handy. And Carl's like, oh,
I don't really know what that acronym means, but what I would like to do is write a business proposal and I will get it back to you in three to four months saying what I would like to do to decipher that acronym. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. Are you saying OFT, Jace? Because that's close to soft. No, it stands for over the pants handy, bro. Oh, no, no, none of that. We're just catching up. I mean, obviously she's gorgeous and I really like talking and opening up to her.
And so Jesse's like, yeah, guys, about Sierra, you know, so we were at this event, you know, cancer event and Sierra's, you know, making jokes with me. And she's like, she kept grabbing my arm and going like, oh yeah, grabbing. I said, no, she did not keep grabbing your arm, sir.
And then, you know, so just as a joke, just as a joke, you know, I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't touch my arm. You know, just like it's a little boundary. It's like a jokey boundary, you know, tiny jokey boundary, you know, a guess. And when I showed up today, I like tried to give her a hug and she was like, no, like blocked my hug. So like, what the hell? Well, it wasn't a jokey boundary because she literally said, are you serious? And you were like, yeah, which means that's not like by definition, that's not a joke.
So, yeah, he's all sad. He's sad he can't have his cake and eat it too. And he's like, yeah, he's like, he's like, no, people just say that to Lexi. And then Lexi was like upset. I was like, people are getting in the way. Well, so Sierra didn't say that. Other people said that. Do you think that's like how you put it up in the moment at the event? He's like, I'm just trying to respect Lexi, but I really don't know what to do. I'm just the innocent guy here. I'm just a boy.
Yeah, I think this just exploded in his face because he was doing that thing like, Lexi's crazy, right? I can't even touch your arm. But then it kind of went back in his face in a way he didn't intend. He was just trying to further his, Lexi's crazy. She's so jealous we can't even flirt anymore. Isn't she nuts? But instead, Sierra was like, no, fuck you. And so, you know, his...
His narrative has been interrupted. Narrative, comma, interrupted. Starring Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder.
Hey, let's play a game. When was the last time everyone here had sex? And Wes is like, that's a stupid, that's the stupidest game ever. Okay. Here's a question. What's the weirdest niche porn category you've ever found yourself gravitating towards? And Jesse's like, I love massage porn. And Tom's like, Oh, that's, that's pretty PG 13, which means it's way too old for me to watch. I'm a little boy. Okay.
Last PG-13 thing I jerked off to was the Goonies. Is that weird? Does that count? I still can't see a baby Ruth without getting hard. So then Carl's like, well, I had a thing where I just searched 10 lines because I like 10 line porn. 10 line porn? Yeah.
I didn't even know that was a thing. Like, tan line, is that like where the girls are like naked but have tan lines? I guess, yeah. I mean, it's like farmer's tan, you know, like when, I don't know, like you're wearing a bikini all the time and so your boobies are white but the rest of you is tanned, I guess. I guess that's a thing. I feel like straight people just have so many options for like, Well, there is a whole, I definitely just did a search for tan line porn and I definitely, ugh, so many naked women, huh? Yeah.
I'm gay, internet. Yeah, because that's not a gay thing, right? Tan line porn. I feel like that's a straight thing. Do you think that there's gay tan line porn? I don't think there is. There may be. I don't know. You know, I mean, there's really something like there's really everything. Gay tan line porn. Let's see what shows up here. Yeah, let's see if there's gay tan line porn.
Gay tan line porn. I think it's very vintage. It's very 1984. This is just natural porn, right? Right, because it was just... But it does kind of remind me of the era of international mail and everything where everyone was just super tan, but then they would have these tan lines. I feel like maybe what Carl is into is stuff that reminds him of the 90s, the 80s, and the 90s.
Right. Well, here's what I searched. Gay town line porn. And here's what I got. Pornhub. Dear user, as you may know, your elected officials in Texas are requiring us to verify your age before allowing you access to our. I mean, for fuck's sake, we can't even we can't even jerk off anymore in Texas. God, bring in the goats.
Just want to look at some tan line porn. Jeez. That's a problem with that, you idiots. You charge so much in property taxes and I can't jerk off to tan lines? Piss off. Seriously. Ha. I love a good tan line. Ha.
You know what I love? You know what I love about a tan line? It means that someone was out in the sun, but they stayed clothed. Hot. I'm really against spray tans because they're not made mindfully. They're like so many preservatives, you know. I'm developing a mushroom-based spray tan. It's a little dirty at the moment, but we're working on that. Yeah, I mean, the problem with a tan line is that the better the tan line, the harder the contrast, and I just want a soft contrast, so it's a difficult thing for me. Hot.
So they're all super awkward. They're just staring at him like, really? This is your thing? And Wes is like, yeah, you know, it's so funny because, like, town line porn? I mean, like, that's so innocent. It's just so Carl. I mean, I'm into, like...
I don't know. And then they just censor all of the things that he lists that he's into. And it tracks. Like, without knowing what he's saying, it all tracks that he's into weird... Because, you know, he's into, like, hentai porn or, like, Homer Simpson fucking Barney Rubble while Wilma watches. Right.
You know he's into that cartoon porn shit. Cartoon porn is real weird. That's real weird. Because you can type in any, you choose any cartoon character and someone has made a porno, done a drawing of that cartoon character having sex. Like if you launch Padma Quack, definitely, definitely having sex somewhere on the internet. Do you think there's a lot of Spongebob anal out there?
Oh, I'm sure. Well, Spongebob is already kind of gay as it is. Let's see. Spongebob anal porn, I guess. Spongebob anal porn.
yeah it's like like there's a picture here of um what's his face is it is it what's the name of the guy the the silly one roger not roger i don't watch spongebob i've always been about spongebob thank you i've always had taste there's a whole there's a whole variety of of spongebob getting it and also giving it i have to say yeah you know how they have the gifts on the side the ads that are like gifts they're moving or whatever um
one time years ago I saw for the first time I'd ever seen it I was just scrolling and it was like uh Bernie Rubble getting fucked by Fred Flintstone and I'm still not okay I still can't watch that cartoon and not think of
him bottoming for fred not that it's not like bottom shame or anything i'm just like gross i don't need to see that it's like when your friends tell you too much of their sex lives and i'm like can we even have dinner together anymore because i don't want you i don't want to think of you i don't know like getting bukaki or whatever you did last like i don't need to know everything things i have to say barney rubble and that's the last time i had dinner with barney rubble
There is a large variety of Launchpad McQuack fucking Scrooge McDuck imagery out there. In your liked folder. In my liked folder. Well, and I have to say what's sort of funny, Launchpad McQuack, like the commonality between all these different like fanfic porn things of him.
Like he is, he is like a muscle top and every single one of these, like launchpad McQuack is like, he is like the alpha male of cartoon porn. You've never seen a cartoon porn fanfic like launchpad McQuack. He is really, he's really doing, he's really getting it out there. I saw a thread that says, if it exists, where is porn of launchpad McQuack?
Oh, my gosh. You see it? Wow. Well, you know, at least Texas will let you watch cartoon porn. Good Lord. I was expecting to get another notice, but here it is.
Launchpad is – he's kind of like a gay icon I feel like at this point just looking at all these pictures, right? I guess. I didn't search gay porn. I just searched regular but wow. I mean I hate that I even look at cartoon porn and think, God, I need to work out. That's the first thing I think. God, am I jealous of a duck? I'm like jealous of a duck now. That's where we're at. The real question is, is there any porn of – what's the name of the lady who is like their –
She was like their housekeeper, Mrs. I don't know. We watched different cartoons. I wasn't into it. I don't even know who Launchpad McDuck is. Well, now I do. Launchpad, he was the pilot for the DuckTales. He had a vital role in their transportation. He was the transportation secretary of DuckTales.
Okay, so Wes goes through all of his porn and it tracks, even though we can't hear what it is. And he's like, yeah, you know, I think my taste is too forward to go backwards to tan lines. I don't even think that would do anything for me. And now we're back to the girls and they're like, look at my first dream catcher. Girls dinner, girls dinner.
Yeah, they're having a much more innocent time over there. And so they're putting together their whole thing. And then Sierra goes outside. By the way, in the first half of this episode, all the microphones are janky. I feel like half of them, their mics aren't working or whatever because now they go outside. And this conversation, clearly their mics aren't working so they have to use some sort of stationary mics. And all you can hear are cicadas. So it was like...
in the background or this entire scene but sierra goes outside and um amanda's like this party is making me sleepy no surprise there and by this party i mean life and so now they're gossiping about lexi and jesse are they boyfriend and girlfriend or are they just exclusive what does it mean and she's like sierra's like i mean if they're boyfriend and girlfriend i'm like you guys are like
exclusive and boyfriend and girlfriend like yeah they are and Lindsay's like well like but he's like secretly telling her he's like I consider you my girlfriend but then in public he'll only say we're exclusive so what's that about
And I was like, yeah, but like, that's the thing. He's bringing up things to us that he's like worried about. Like, oh, I see all these like yellow flags or whatever we'll call it. So we see now all the flashbacks of the yellow flags that Jesse's talked about with Lexi. For instance, she was like, are you still going to comment on girls' Instagrams? And for instance,
She was like, I'm scared. She's like a jealous girl. At least Jesse was like that. So she's jealous and she doesn't like him talking on Instagram to other girls.
Yeah. And put together like that, you really see how he is going to everybody in the house being like, isn't Lexi crazy and jealous? Like he's really trying to start this huge whisper campaign against somebody that he's dating. And I think it's, they come up with their own theories later. I think he's doing it so that he could use this girl up. And when he's ready to spit her out, he could be like, I told you guys, she's crazy. Look how she's acting. Always. That's always what they do. So, uh,
So then Amanda's like, well, I kind of feel like the conversations we're having with him, they're like different. Sierra's like, yeah, do you think that Wes knows about the red flag talk? She's like, I don't know. I feel like I'm in a very weird position because I love Jesse, but I also love being messy. Messy? Jesse, which one do I choose? I choose messy because, you know, I love that he's able to confide in us together.
But then also at the same time, I don't like talking about what's her name again?
Lexi behind her back. She's my friend. If she's your friend, go to Jesse and say, why the fuck are you telling everybody? Why are you trying to make this girl seem crazy? Or do it together? But she's like, I'm tattletaling. So then we go to Lexi on the couch. We just see Lexi on the couch with her phone. And Gabby's with her. And she's like, Jesse's texting me like random fucking gibberish. And so then we cut to the boys getting hammered.
And so they come home. And of course, West is making a TikTok, you know, because that's what he does. He's like, this was like coming home at 3 a.m. I'm making food. When do you get too old to make drunken TikToks about coming home and eating? I don't know.
Kyle, here's a better question. When do you get too old to come home drunk late at night and turn on all the speakers at the house and start blasting music? Because that's what Kyle does. He's like air playing it to his bed speaker. So Amanda calls him and she's like, oh my God, you turn the speaker on. Enough with the music, Kyle. So now they all go to bed because he got yelled at. He got terribly yelled at.
It's shocking that it didn't turn into a huge explosion like it would have last season. But he instead was like, sorry, Amanda. And then chills out. So sort of wild. It's a medication commercial. That's right. Side effects. You end up with Kyle and do nothing about it. Okay. So there's some of the side effects of what this medication does. Complacency in a relationship that should end.
is one of the side effects. Oh, and also loose stools. But otherwise, doing great, feeling great. So then Carl goes into bed and does his typical, hey man, are you sleeping? I just wanted to say goodnight. Hey, I gotta go to sleep. Are you sleeping? Hey man, are you gonna sleep? Alright, let's go to sleep.
So it's the next morning and everyone's coming downstairs. Schwartz is cleaning and he's like, there's no need for that much ranch ever. So he really still has some PTSD from Katie that he's working through. He does. He's just walking through saying things that he said in his marriage.
Yeah. And so then Amanda and Sierra, like, Sierra comes into the room and she's like, oh my god, you made your bed, Amanda. What's going on? She's like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. These new meds, they're crazy. So now they're talking about Paige and they call her and Paige doesn't have any makeup on. They're like, oh my god, is Paige okay? She's not wearing any makeup in the car. Yeah.
But she's okay. She's like, yeah, I feel good. How are you? And Sierra's like, yeah, I mean, people are setting up our party. And so Paige basically tells us that she's – I pride myself as someone who's very in touch with my body. I feel like I know when it's hot, and then I feel like I know when it's hot.
And so that's pretty much it. You know, some days I wake up and I feel like, is my thigh gap as gappy as it should be? And then I know I'm in trouble. So I took a day off.
And sometimes like I'm really in touch with my body. So for instance, when I go to Charleston, my body's like, ew, disgusting, get me out of here. And then when I'm in New York, I'm like, this is the best place ever. So I just, you know, I just was thinking about Charleston. I was like, I really can't move right now. I'm paralyzed by the disgusting thought of having to move down there someday in my life.
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So now they have to go build a trampoline. They're still building shit for this party.
Um, then kitchen voice. Uh, I'm kitchen voice. Kitchen. Kitchen voice. Ha! Kitchen voice. Kitchen voice. Kitchen voice, everybody. Please. Hey. Make it a family room voice. Softer. Ha!
Club Sunday Boys. So Sierra's directing the boys to make a trampoline. Really nothing is happening on this show. Let's face it. Let's just fast forward. There's just two things happening. It's a bunch of people saying hi. The only thing that's happened is Carl jerks off to town lines, which was enjoyable. I'm not going to lie. I'm grateful for that.
Yeah, so then meanwhile, Paige finally arrives. And everyone's like, oh my God, thank God Paige is here. And she walks in the house. She's like, hi, everyone. Your icon has arrived. And everyone says hi. She's like, oh my God, Tom Schwartz. I didn't know you were coming. Thanks for coming to our first annual Snoozefest. You can take all my bags upstairs. Thanks so much. Bye. I won't talk to you the rest of the weekend.
Wow. How funny that you came on bed bug weekend when you actually look like a victim of bed bugs constantly. Please put this comb through your hair before you talk to any of my friends. Thank you.
So everything's happy and fun. They're putting together the, the, they're putting together this, this trampoline and stuff. And so Lexi is sitting there. She winds up talking to Amanda and Lexi thinks it's just gonna be another conversation. Little does she realize she's about to receive some good old Amanda mess. So Amanda's like, so I'm like really sweaty. Look how drenched I am under here. I'm like, Amanda, you're wearing a sweatshirt. What is going on with the people on Bravo this week? Why are they wearing so many sweatshirts during hot, humid air? Uh,
And then being surprised that they're hot. So Gabby's there too. And she decides that now's the time to drop the hammer.
So she's like, I mean, I'm just asking how things are with Jesse because, you know, things are weird with him and Sierra, you know. But like with you, he talks about these quote unquote yellow flags, which is a term that I coined earlier. But for some reason, I'm just going to make it part of the house vernacular now. And, you know, he was saying that she didn't want you commenting on girls' photos. And then last weekend he said you asked about all the girls that he photographed.
and then he said that, you know, he keeps trying to get pet bunnies and you start boiling them. I mean, it's just really weird. Did you put an AirTag in his shoe? Did you put an AirTag in his shoe? Do you have cameras following him around in his kitchen? Is it Sliver? Is it Jesse Sliver? What's happening?
Um, neither of those things are true. Like one way. Okay. With the following the girls thing, it was like after Toegate. Okay. And I get like so many DMs about like red flags and like, I should be aware of with Jesse. Like he started following all these girls, like literally since you and I started talking and it's just like weird. And then I was like, you know what? Maybe I should give weight to things that people are saying. Oh my God. How could you even say that phrase? We don't say that in the summer house. I'm sorry. I won't say that phrase ever again.
So, but she says neither of those things are true. But then she says, yeah, yeah.
The following girls thing, I told them to stop following all these girls. I mean, it is. I think the thing, I guess what I'm nitpicking is I just wish she would be like, why are you spreading this to all these girls and like shit talking behind my back, you know? But she's explaining, and I think that she has a right to be like, what the fuck? Why are you following? If you're dating someone and they start following like 20 really hot, like kind of sexy accounts, you're going to be like, what the fuck?
Yeah. Well, especially if all the, there's all these red flags about Jesse that he's just like a fuck boy. He doesn't take things seriously. So maybe she's saying, Hey, like I have these doubts about you because your reputation precedes you. So when you're following all these like Instagram, Instagram thoughts, um,
you know, it kind of makes me wonder like, is this reputation true? Like it makes me feel a little unsettled. And I think that's a reasonable thing to say in the beginning of the relationship at the, at the very least. And he's making it seem like she's saying like, you have to stop following every single person on Instagram. You can't follow girls. When she's probably like, yo, I've heard about you. So like, yeah,
Like, you need to prove to me why you're not like what people say about you. Yeah. So and then, you know, obviously the what Amanda is saying is so you're not stalking him. And she goes, no, no, the listeners or the viewers were stalking him and they just told me about it. And she's like, oh, OK. So then you're getting messages from people. And she goes, yeah, yeah. OK, so what was the other thing?
So the other thing is commenting on girls' photos. And she's like, no. Like, all I said is, like, I want you to hype girls up. But, like, nonstop. Like, seriously, all day. Like, I want you to wake up and start hyping the girls. But maybe don't be like, you're, like, the hottest girl that was ever fucking born on the planet. Because, like, I'm insecure about boobs. So, you get it? And Amanda's like, okay, well...
I mean, my soul was hurt, but I guess I understand. Your soul was hurt. Have your husband comment once in a while. Why is your soul hurting? Take your soul to stop hurting. So Lexi tells us that she just wished Jesse would have come to her with all these things. And that way they could have had an adult relationship conversation about it. Instead, she feels like he's only told like his perspective to everyone in the house and made her look kind of like a crazy one. And it's a situation for her to be in, especially from the guy that she's actually dating.
Yeah. So then Amanda's like, I mean, I don't want to make it a thing. And she's like, no, I want my girls to bring things up. Like, you're my girls, right? Like, I love it. It was like a therapy session with my girls. And so Amanda's like, yeah, your side. What? They're like, well, let's not say that we're necessarily girls just yet. We're just happy that you're on the show. No, we're like bedbugs. We're like girls. We're like girls who like beds. Right, guys? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe not quite yet. We've got this cop for you. We've got this cop for you. It's over there. It's at the edge of the yard.
Where do you live again? Yeah, he's making this narrative that's making you sound crazy, basically. So it makes sense what you're saying. And she's like, yeah, because I haven't done anyone. He's the one getting his toe sucked. And then during the week, he's FaceTiming me nonstop and calling me nonstop and sending me videos nonstop. I mean, it's almost to the point, too much. I need to live.
No. Wow. So, cause it really has, it's really, we've seen Jesse being really strong with her, but like this, the, the vibe has been that like Lexi has been really into him too. Like this, the narrative narrative interrupted was that she was super into him and that she was sort of making him close out all other avenues in his life. And now we're seeing that actually she's like, Whoa, this is coming out a little strong for me.
So Amanda's like, well, it looks like he's the jealous one and he doesn't want to talk about it. So he's like projecting it onto you. And she goes, yeah. Like how about fuck yellow flags? How about I have a huge red flags for you. Hmm.
I'll still keep dating you, though. So then we go to commercial. And now it's time to get ready for the party. And Kyle is going to be doing a fertility test. He's like, yo, Schwartz, you did a fertility test, right? But you went into a doctor's office to do it, right? And he's like, yeah, I did. It was scary. I got a kid. So he's going to be checking his sperm.
Because he got some sort of flag on his blood work. And he wants to make sure he can have babies someday with Amanda. Sir, your sperm is trying to snort something. We're not really sure what that's about. I like when we saw the flashback of Tom and Katie when he got his. Because remember that episode when Tom's like, I'm going to get a sperm test. Tom Sandoval's going to come over and help me jack off.
Okay, honey. Yeah. And then they finally test his sperm and the lady's like, your sperm is flat headed. Okay. You've got bushy headed sperm. You've only got 4% of your sperm flat.
That doesn't look like it's been beat over the head with the pan. He's like, wait, that can't be good. And Katie's just looking like, of course he has flat headed sperm. Yeah, of course, Schwartz's sperm were totally inept. But then wasn't there a lot of discussion about like, well, you only get that kind of sperm if you are like drinking this much or whatever, doing these drugs or wasn't there was a whole discussion about that afterwards. I have big memories of that.
Yeah, he's like, I didn't drink for breakfast. I'm making such an effort, babe. So they're talking about fertility tests. And I love Kyle finally deciding to get a sperm test when he's like 40. How old is he? He's in his 40s. He hasn't thought of it. Amanda's been asking for a baby for 10 years now. He's like, yeah, 42. I think I just started taking up DJing. So it's time to have a baby.
But now, ironically, she doesn't seem to really want to have a baby. Which is, I think, why he's doing it. Don't you? Yeah. Now she has no interest in a baby. So all of a sudden he's like, whoa, we're not going to have a baby, but I'm going to get my sperm tested. Look at all the effort I'm making, Amanda.
Well, how am I going to raise a little DJ Tiesto if we don't have a little baby in the first place? So they are, you know, he's talking about blood work and everything. So now he goes to jerk off and then he goes off to take a nap. And then Jesse goes slinking into Lexi's room for a little cuddling. And she's just scrolling on her phone and she's not her normal, a Boolean self. And he picks up on it and he's like, Hey, can I have a hug? She's like, are you okay? Yeah. Yeah.
What's wrong? Nothing. Is that you with me? It's fine. Wish...
I love saying Jesse, like the sad golden retriever, like slink out of the room. He knows he did something wrong, but he can't figure it out. And he literally can't even connect any sort of dots to understand where he went wrong. It's so entertaining to me. Yeah. So then we see Kyle putting a box in the mailbox. So, you know, Kyle still got it with himself. He can go in there. There was some Fred and Barney porn he was watching. He's done. He did it. And he honestly, I was oddly impressed by
with how quickly he prioritized getting that into the mail. I guess you probably have to go pretty quickly, but he was like, boom, this is getting in the mail right now. I feel like if I had done it, it would have weighed in, and then three hours later, I would have gone. I was like, okay, I'm going to consolidate this with going to the grocery store. I wanted to use Burma to Zola. You guess you got to get that on the road. Yeah.
So, Jesse's upset now, and he's telling Wes, something's wrong with Lexi. I think it's related to me. I don't know what it is, bro. She says she doesn't want to talk about it. So then Paige tells us about her party, and she's like, having a snooze fest party is like, it's what I've worked my entire life for. So, everyone's going to bed. The end. They told me I had to have a party. This is it.
Wait, no. Actually, the other thing that I worked my entire life for is having the best party in the entire world and not inviting Craig to it. God, dream fulfilled. Yeah.
So now West is in the giant bed with Paige and Amanda. And they're joking, like, why is he always trying to get into bed with us? And West is like, guys, you know why Jessie's in trouble again? I mean, I think it's with Lexi. And Amanda's like, oh, I think that's my fault. I just can't stop trying to help people. Yeah, classic Amanda. And so she's like, well, when I was blowing up the balloons, she was like...
You know, she was with me, so I told her about the conversation about the yellow flags. Oh, yeah, now she's already made them unfollowed girls on Instagram. Yeah, and I said that to her, and she's like, I never asked him to do that. She said, I get DMs about him all the time, and I don't believe it. And there's, like, two sides to every story, and it seems like it sounds like he's making her to sound jealous, one from her side. It's him that's the jealous one, Kyle.
He's like, but it is jealous though. And she's like, but he's playing it cool and then saying passive aggressive things to her. And Paige is like, yeah, like those little passive aggressive comments are like pure insecurity. I mean, unless they're like hilarious and about Craig, in which case they're comedy. So, you know, there's a fine line. You have to learn to walk it. You have to know your audience. Is it hurtful or is it a hobby or is it a hurtful hobby?
There's many different ways you could break things down. Stop questioning me. What? I didn't say anything. Shut up.
Sorry, I'm having a monologue. I was, I needed to have a beat on Friday. I'm sorry. So then, uh, West is like, uh, I'm sorry. So Amanda's like, that's what I'm saying. He's like playing a cool and she's like jealous and she's all over him. She's obsessed with him. And we keep asking about the girlfriend, the boyfriend thing. It's kind of her. It's kind of her. That's like hesitant on it. Not him. And West is like, Oh no. And he's like, he's laughing. Cause he knows this can be ridiculous drama and it's not going to involve him for once.
But he's also starting to see it because he's like, well, yeah, it is kind of weird because on the drive here, he said, like, I'll catch you in a little. And I'm like, babe, we're going to be at the house in a fucking hour. Okay. And she's like, oh, God, I didn't take him as that type. Gross. That is disgusting. Yeah.
And he's like, I didn't take him as that type either. And Amanda says, yeah, well, he's playing it like he's cool. But she's saying that he's jealous and he's all over her all week and won't give him a break. And she just wants to get to work. So and then we're asking about the girlfriend boyfriend thing. And she's like, no, I'm the hesitant one, not him. And Wes is like, no. Wes is like, oh, my God. How do I have this real discussion with a person I call Beast? Oh.
Oh, goodness. So, meanwhile, Lindsay is approaching a bartender to make a non-alcoholic Aperol Spritz. She's like, this is a great party for me to be at because I can sit down and take a nap and it won't be questionable and I'm tired and I'm feeling really tired these days. And also notice the way that I can get a non-alcoholic drink without being super annoying about it. Okay? And Carl comes like, we're in pajamas. We're like pajama pirates. Oh,
And I love Gabby's costume. She's dressed like a little sheep. It's so cute. But I have to wonder, so Gabby's dressed like a sheep, which is cute. And then like Amanda, Sierra, and Paige, they're all dressed. They're in a group costume. They're bedspreads. And I wonder, do we think at this point, everyone just knows that the three of them are a little clique? Or like, I kind of feel like I would be like, I don't know, like there's something about the...
it's one thing to do like a duo a double costume but when you start getting to a triple costume I don't know I think I might feel a little left out if I were Gabby well Lindsay's also Gabby just knows yeah Lindsay's a teddy bear and um Lexi you know it's the three girls party I don't know I mean they are a click but yeah Gabby I guess the question is how much is it like accepted I guess it's probably except completely accepted at this point right they're just like they're a click yeah yeah
Yeah. And they're like the three longest besides Lindsay, but they always kind of leave Lindsay out, you know. But the bed's their thing. So they're like the bed click girls, okay? Gabby gets up. Yeah. So she wouldn't be part of the bed click. She does things. She does more stuff. You wouldn't know it from watching this show, but she does go out and stuff. So, um...
Then they've made like chest pieces, like bikini top things out of sleep masks, which kind of look like maxi pads, but you know, it's cute. And then they do their group pictures and stuff. And I was like, congratulations. Welcome to the first annual snooze fest. God damn. Living your best bed life. Right. All right. Yeah. Bed bugs on three, one, two, three. I just came again. I'm man to catch it. Catch it. I love it.
So then, uh, Jesse and Lindsay are talking and he's like, I'm so much more comfortable now. And he's like, yeah, he's like, yeah, you look cute too. Maybe even cuter than before. I'm like, damn, you're even flirting with Lindsay now. So then there's just more stuff going around and everything. And then Lindsay's back to them flirting. And then he's like, um,
so what are you doing? He's like, I don't know. Like what the fuck? Cause like you and Lexi are, are in a, like a question mark. He's like, no, she's just giving me like a, I'm still processing if I'm upset with you and I really want to talk to you about it. And I'm like, what did I even do? She's so crazy and jealous. Am I right? Yeah. She's like, um, talk to her. You're really boring me. So then West comes and, um, he's, he's like, so Lexi comes and then Jesse pulls her aside. Um,
To have a talk.
I'm just so impressed by anyone who's listening to our recap. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Just anyone who's listening to this recap is like, okay, so then Jesse is here, and now Lindsay's here, and now Lindsay's left, and Jesse's talking to Wes. There's some episodes of Summer House where the narrative is very clear, and there's some where they just start moving around nonstop, and all we can say is that now they're talking over here. You know? Yep. And then they say hi, and then they say hi, and then they say hi. So...
So Lexi and Jesse are here for the talk. So Lexi is like, there's things that are brought to my attention. Like there's Loki talking about shit behind my back.
And he's like, wait a minute. What was brought to your attention today from these crazy people in this house? What is it? What is it? So she's like, yellow flags. I've never even heard the term yellow flags, but apparently somebody coined it today and I do not appreciate it. And so she's like, what are you making me look crazy? You're a red flag, sir. And you had your toes sucked. And he's like, oh my God, the dumb drunk told us this. And when are we going to let it go?
yeah but you got mad at her for everything with wes last week and so that proves that she like you actually i think by him getting mad about like her keeping west standing up straight it actually re-enters toe gate into evidence because it just shows a crazy double standard that he's holding against her well it just shows that his manipulation tactics suck because he was thinking if he did that that would be his way to get her off his
his ass about toge because he'd be like you're just as bad as me because you did this so she'd have to drop it but then it blew up in his face because he looks crazy by even making that comparison
Yeah. So she's like, yeah, but like from what I've been told, like from when I'm not here, you act single and everyone's telling me like Jesse flirts too much. I'd like, you should not be his girlfriend until he stops that. He's like, I can't control my idiot friends say. No, I know that. None of this is where I started running into problems with this confrontation because that's not the fight. Like that's not even what everybody talked about really with her.
I want her to go in on him being like, she's crazy to everybody. And building this narrative, she's crazy. Why does he talk to every person in the house and suggest that she's completely insane and stalking him? That's just nuts. So I was like, stay strong. Don't make it about flirting. Don't make it about flirting. Get him on the evidence. But it was still fun watching her tell him off.
I think it's okay because the, her, she has a really good argument, which is like, you're saying there's all these yellow flags about me and you're making me look like the crazy one. You have all the red flags. You're the one that's flirting with people in this household. You're the one that's still doing X, Y, and Z. And I'm still being chill with the fact that you have red flags. And yet I have quote unquote yellow flags and you're going to go talk to the entire house about me and kind of make me look on national TV. Like I'm a possessive jealous bitch. Yeah. Yeah.
So he's like, well, you know, it's just that everything's just happening so fast right now, you know? And she's like, okay, then let's slow it down. And he was not expecting that. He was like, uh, what? Because he's had the upper hand so far, at least on screen.
And so he's like, "What?" And she's like, "Well, I mean, everything's so fragile because of your actions and what you're doing." And he's like, "I'm just like, I mean, is she done with me?" And she goes, "Okay, well, have I done anything to make you feel how I feel right now?" And he's like, "No." She goes, "Okay, well, no one's saying anything about me that I'm flirting 'cause I haven't done anything to you. But you give me reason to feel insecure, and I don't wanna be in a relationship with somebody that I can't trust. Bend it. Bend it like Beckham, bitch."
Yeah, so he's like, he has that big old frown on his face.
So then she's like, you know, all day long, I've been getting these little pieces of information that's just like seeming like that person. Like, listen, it's just not seeming like the person that I want to be dating. Like, and now that you've given me a reason to not trust you, now I'm going to like listen to what other people say, including Paige, who is way more popular than you are. And he's like, but this is just like, this is just like making me really resent my friends, which is like the first thing that someone like this will do, which is like attack all the people around them who are just like observing with their eyeballs like anyone else would.
Yeah, and he was also trying to use his friends as a weapon against her, but they thwarted his mission, and so now it's their fault. So it's like, I mean, what? Like, am I just supposed to be a robot and not talk to my friends about my feelings? I mean, they ask me what's going on. I'm an open book, okay? And she's like, okay, now you're an open book. You just said that you have to, like... She's like, that's not fair. Don't bring up books to me. Do not bring up books to me. You know that I'm insecure about that. Yeah.
But also, like, he's just, on the one hand, he's saying, like, oh, my God, my friends are, like, this makes me really resent my friends. I hate my friends. Well, what do you want me to do? Not talk to my friends and be a robot? Which one is it? Do you want to, like, do you want to get closer or farther away from your friends? Yeah. So he's like, I'm trying to temper my emotions. I'm doing that. It's like, okay, other people are saying you're taking it too far.
And everyone's saying it looks like your intention is to hook up with somebody. And I literally look stupid. And he's like, well, they won't say it to my face. So I don't know what to tell you. All right, I'm going to go talk to them. Okay, I'm going to go talk to them. She goes, okay, but it's annoying that you're like, I have to be a robot now. Like, no one wants you to be a robot. Ugh.
She's also right to be annoyed because he's now again creating this narrative like, oh, wow, look how crazy she is. She just wants to suck the soul out of me. In order to be in the relationship, all the things that make me great, my shining personality, I've got to suppress it. And she's like, no, I didn't say that. I didn't say anything like that. You're going around and you're talking shit about me. And I heard about it, basically. Yeah.
So then we go to West watching this and he's like, oh my God, is Jesse getting his fucking shit cooked right now? Get me a bandana. Get me a bandana. So we cut back to them and Jesse's like, we have a genuine connection. I thought we were going to leave this weekend being like, now we're boyfriend, girlfriend.
And he's like, I'm not giving up on this by any means. I'm just, like, telling you. And he tries that again. Like, now I don't know if I'm going to be your boyfriend. And she's like, um, yeah, well, I want a relationship where I can trust my person. Like, I'm not trying to beg for a relationship, so...
Yeah. So then we see Wes and Tom are doing like an ice luge and they like pour the booze down the ice luge and Tom misses the ice luge, which is so Tom Schwartz.
And then we see Carl and Sierra talking sort of on this area that's going to be the dance floor. And Sierra's like, hey, Carl, what's going on? He's like, hey, what's this square patch of land supposed to be with all the lights around it? A dance floor. Like when it gets dark out, it becomes a dance floor. That's how dance floors work. Oh, yeah, wow. Looks dangerous. Pretty cool. Yeah, just...
It's scary. It's just I'm taking it like, you know, it's been a while since I've been on dance floors. I'm just taking it one step at a time. It's just like really, it's a lot right now. I'm just trying to go slowly, dip my toe into the dance floors. But I'm really trying to talk myself up into like doing some groovy moves with the young people, which I'm one of. Dance beast. Dance beast. This dance floor looks very dangerous. It's like strings of lights that are hanging from trees all the way down to the floor. Someone is going to get wrapped up in that.
There will be a death. You need to watch out, children. So he's like really into Sierra and she's just kind of checking in with Carl. I feel like Sierra is a nurse. And so she's good at checking in. Like, are you doing okay? Did anybody come see you today? Do you need some more juice? Okay, great. I'll see you later. She loves me. And so Carl's like trying to go through it in his head for Sierra. And he's like, yeah, I've hung out with a few girls this summer. Lil, Lil's mom. Yeah.
Lil' Aunt or Mom. But, you know, like, honestly, they're not Ciara. I haven't met anybody up to this point who can take my pulse quite like Ciara. So, God, I'm going to tell her. When she walks into the room, I'm like, oh, yeah, she's a babe. I wonder what she would be like if she just put two band-aids over her nipples and then got a lot of sun. Oh, God.
Being a single carologist wanting to overshare and overcommunicate, I feel like I should just tell her. Because when she walks in the room, I'm like, yeah, she's a babe. She's such a babe. But I'm scared to tell her. It's a big step. I'm just getting used to this whole thing again. I haven't been dating for...
Five days. So it's really scary. Really scary right now. So Lindsay sees Paige and she's like, oh my God, like it's Paige. And you know what I was thinking earlier when you weren't here? I was like, where is Paige? Because like Paige wasn't here. And then so I was like, guys, Paige isn't here. And then I heard myself and I was like, oh my God, she's right. Paige isn't here. Are you okay? Because you weren't here. And Paige is like, yeah, I was just feeling anxious and overwhelmed. And if one more old person asked me a question, my head was going to pop.
but you're okay pop my head just popped you see i warned you don't say don't say i didn't warn you you were about to be covered in brains um how are you feeling um how is your geriatric pregnancy going i'm good i'm just i'm i'm like oh shit there's like three months and like i'm having a baby yeah well i just want to remind you that the two-hour season finale of matlock is this weekend so put those feet up and relax bonnie oh good i guess that's i guess that's why are you telling me that i just thought it'd be good for your age range
By the way, I tried watching that two-hour season finale because I watched the first couple and it just got so bad. And Kathy Bates is so good. She's so good. But God, she deserves a better show. The acting is terrible. The writing of that show sucks. I just wanted to go save Kathy Bates. I was like, someone help Kathy Bates. I couldn't even watch the finale, okay? That's very sad. It's Kathy Bates. I feel vindicated. I feel vindicated. I know, because you told me and I was like, no, it'll get better.
It's Kathy Bates. You gotta support Kathy Bates. I bailed before the first episode was over and I got deep. I got 45 minutes in the episode. Can you imagine getting 45 minutes in the episode and not finishing it? That's how bad I thought Matlock was. It was bad. And I was okay for like a CBS procedural thing, but I was like, no, this is supposed to be a certain way. Like, this is supposed to be Kathy Bates being sassy and like charming people and being great and
And instead, it was like a lot of these other generic CBS actors just coming in doing clips. And I said, no, ma'am. The acting is just so rough. Were you guys paying her so much that you just took people off the street? Come on, man. Make an effort. It's the side characters that killed it. I love that we're making Lindsay old people jokes, but then we can still go off and talk 10 minutes about Matt Lamplock. The true old people of somehow. Truly. Yeah.
So this conversation was cute. Like she catches up with Lindsay, but they are still kind of awkward. They're like, okay, well, that was fun. Do you want me to bring you a Pop-Tart before I leave the room? Okay. Okay. Crazy lady. Just keep the TV running. Not too loud. Not too loud. Don't forget to wrap yourself in a blanket. Jesus Christ.
So Jesse and Lexi are... Jesse's like... They're still talking and Jesse's like, all right, well, I wish we were ending this conversation on a better note, but I don't want to miss this whole party, which is really what you want to hear from the guy that you're trying to work things out with in your relationship. Yeah. So then...
Lindsay comes up to Paige and Lindsay and they're got, now they start gossiping about the talk over there. And Paige is like, oh my God, well, they're just getting up now. I thought they were fighting. I mean, give me something juicy. Like, I mean, she needs to slap him or something. And Lindsay's like, um, they're not going, they're going in different directions. Hold on. That's not a great sign. Like, yeah.
For the first time all season, the veteran girls have summoned Lexi to sit with them. So Lexi comes over and sits down and Lindsay's like, are you okay? She's like, yeah, I'm fine. It's just like, it's frustrating. Like there's nothing that I can do to change things. It's like only in him. And like, he keeps saying like, oh, our friends are stirring the pot. Like our friends are stirring the pot. And like, I don't believe that. And Gab's like,
no one's stirring the pot. Like, literally no one's stirring the pot. Like, I looked and there's, like, no pots here so they can't even be stirred in the first place. And we're just, like, regurgitating the shit that he's telling us. And yeah, I was like, stop being mad at the middleman. So then we go to West and Jesse in the kitchen and Jesse's depressed. You know, he's like, I'm just, like, dumbfounded. Like, am I the biggest idiot ever? Yes. Yeah.
Let's just pause this for everybody to at the same time to say yes. Okay, please. Or is everything just getting taken out of context? So my people I think are my friends. I mean, what the hell? The girls are like starting shit with Lexi. You know, it's like, what the fuck? I sang last. I sang them a Shabbat song. Like, how could they turn on me like this?
Wes is like, yeah, well, so that talk was a bad talk, huh? He's like, yeah, the whole thing was bad. It's just sad because I could be having so much fun at this party. And I don't want to be arguing with a girl that I'm exclusively dating. And I said to her, I thought we'd leave this weekend boyfriend-girlfriend, but now I'm here not having fun at the party. I mean, the biggest tragedy is not really even that the girl that I'm in a relationship with is not really happy with me. The biggest tragedy is
I'm not having fun at this party, man. Yeah. And he's, uh, I love that he's, he's wielding. This is a threat. He's like, yeah, I thought we were going to end his boyfriend girlfriend, but not now. Oh yeah. Like that's all in your power. You have it. You have it to this girl, sir. Stop acting like you have any say in this.
So then Jesse still talks and, you know, tells him about the conversation. And Wes is like, Toegate is still relevant? And he's like, yeah, like when I try and defend myself, she's like, well, you got your toes sucked. And I'm like, dude, it was a joke. Dude, you were in a room with people having a threesome for 37 minutes. So please. And you were on that bed. Yeah, she doesn't even know the 37 minutes. Yeah, she doesn't even know that part. So.
I feel like that's gotten totally lost in this. She was sitting on that bed for 37 minutes meant that he was kind of like getting off on this. I'm sorry. First of all, I think at the very least jerked off on some girls at the very least. Like that's weird. That's a weird, that's some weird ass shit. And like, and now, you know, he, what he thinks is just a joke. He knows that maybe the person that you're dating. That's, I went to that. So you should think about those things before you do them. So page is like, you know what?
if the roles were reversed and get the chaos, chaos would ensue. Okay, we'll get this. Last weekend, we were all at Common Ground and like he was standing above me and he was like holding me like whatever. And so like, he's like drunk, like, you know, like Wes was. And I'm like, just making sure that Wes is good. And so Jesse literally says to me, just so you know, how you were with Wes tonight is even worse than I was the weekend that you were away. And I'm like, um, but you let someone talk
your toe and I'm like hanging out with your friend best friend and Paige is like in front of you you did that in front of him oh my god disgusting ew gross you can quote me on that
Yeah, he's trying to make you feel bad for calling him out on his ball shots. Yeah, like, people, like, I mean, like, there's yellow flags. Like, what? Like, I thought we moved through things. I mean, we're supposed to communicate. And Paige is like, yeah, you don't have a strong enough foundation, okay? And that's coming from somebody who's literally dating a castle built on sand. So...
And then we cut to Jesse saying, you know, every time something happens, I just feel like, are we even close? It's like, we don't even have a foundation. So they both seem to agree that they have no foundation in their relationships. So, and Wes is like, yeah, cause don't forget, bro. You met her a month ago. So yeah. Hey guys, having guy time without me. Is it dude time? Are we peeing on the floor? Let's just pee our dames. Come on guys. Get your dicks out. All right. Let's go back to the party.
So then Paige and the girls are still with Lexi, and Paige is like, so do you really – I'm going to try and get my oof face off, okay? Do you really like him? Am I still making oof face? Yeah. Sorry, I can't help it, because he's gross. She's like, I do like him, though. There's actually only one right answer, and I'm just going to keep asking it until you answer correctly. Do you really like him, though? Yeah. Do you really like him, though? Yeah. Do you really like him, though? Yeah.
Just answer like my face is saying. Constipation? You're close. You're getting warmer. We'll accept that. Yeah. Well, if you already hate him, like it's only been a month and a half, try three years in a humid weather. Okay? You're not going to be able to handle this. Dump him. Dump him.
And she's like, well, but I'm like, did I make you feel like he and he's like, I don't know what to say. Okay, listen. And oh, and he said, I don't know what I have to say. I've changed so much for you, which is so stupid. And he has not changed a bit. And Paige is like, okay, if someone says that they had to change so much for you, you should walk away. You should walk away. And I'm using my accent right now. So that means I'm serious. Walk away. Okay.
Please, don't fall into the terrible trap that I fell into. Get away before he traps you next to a cricket machine. Go! Flee! Run! When your first birthday gift is a shitty $5 t-shirt with your name cricketed on the front, don't say I didn't warn you.
And that's it. That's where we leave off. And with Lexi's shocked face. Like, I can't believe that she's telling me to break up. Because, you know, you're never supposed to say that when someone's venting about their boyfriend. But I looked at Paige. I was like, let's just skip a season and dump him now. Save yourself. Yeah, let's just fast forward this, okay? So we'll see if Lexi – well, I think that they're – are they still together? Well, whatever. We'll see how it all pans out. No. At the beginning of the season, it seemed like – I thought it seemed like they were still together. But no, I don't think they are. Because she's been making the rounds –
Lexi's been making the rounds of interview shows and stuff, and it doesn't sound like they're together. Love that. Well, they're shooting the reunion, I think, today, right? So I guess we don't have too much more of the season left, but we'll see how it all... And it is August 15th, so the fun part about Summer House is that you can literally do a countdown on the season based off of...
the top of the episode. You can see where they are in their summer. So we probably only have a few episodes left, but it's been a fun one and we will catch everyone on the next episode. Yeah. And it looks like next week we get to watch Lexi dump Jesse. So you're nearing hero status, ma'am. Keep up the good work. Yes. All right, everybody. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.
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