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When a young woman named Desiree vanishes without a trace, the trail leads to Cat Torres, a charismatic influencer with millions of followers. But behind the glamorous posts and inspirational quotes, a sinister truth unravels. Binge all episodes of Don't Cross Cat early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Watch what crap happens. Watch what crap happens. Watch what crap happens.
Well, hello. Welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. How are you? Good. Welcome to Top Chef Pizza Day, everybody.
We're very excited to be here. We are going to be in Texas and Vegas very soon. We're in Austin next week and Dallas next week and then Vegas on May 15th for the Mounting Hysteria Tour. Get your tickets over at patreon.com. Get your tickets over at watchwhatcrappens.com. You'll find links in the calendar there for all of the cities. Also, that's where you find links to our Patreon, which is where you find this video recap right here.
And all of our video recaps and bonus episodes this week, we will be doing a below deck trailer trash where we go over every second of below deck trailer for you. It looks like a good one, too. All right. Well, welcome to the show, Ben. How are you feeling about Top Chef this week?
Well, I thought it was quite entertaining. I enjoyed that we had a pizza challenge. I also enjoyed watching them all struggle to make pizza. And I also was laughing at the quickfire because it was so corporate tie-in quickfiery that I just couldn't help but laugh at it. It was just so ridiculous.
So, yeah, I enjoyed it. What about you? They are ridiculous, and they're struggling with finding things to have people to sponsor them. They're like, wow, welcome to the Garbage Tie Quick Tie. Today we're going to cook in 30 minutes the best meal we can make with garbage twist ties for the trash. Like, what the –
Here, smell this baked on crud and make a meal out of it. Sponsored by our friends at all. A-L-L. No, I'm sorry. It was finish. At finish. At finish, you're never truly finished, which is why you're going to make a meal out of stuff you thought you were finished with. Never truly finished. What is this? Sex life at 49? That's what it feels like. Talk about never finishing. That's my life.
So, yeah, they're like, yeah, here's some caked on grease. Make whatever that smells like into a meal. What the fuck did this show become? You got James Beard references all through this show. Yeah. Meanwhile, Vinny is...
They gave Vinny shit this week, which I really liked, about cooking for... Like, always talking about how he's cooking a recipe he learned at the Nomad. So what does he do? He cooks a recipe he learned from just someone else. His brother. Like, what are your recipes, Vinny? Vinny, you are just a soulless human being at this point. You are just... You are walking cardboard at this point, Vinny. But, you know, I don't, like, hate Vinny. Usually...
Usually there's a character I hate. I don't hate Vinny. He's not mean or anything. He's just...
Like a soulless learner. You know, like somebody who just wants to do really good and they go in there and they learn. And he's learned really well. And he's learned to copy things really well. But, God, you've got to find your soul, man. Because right now you're just soulless. And then when he makes a mistake, guess what he does? My favorite thing. He whips out the trauma. He whips out his trauma defense and starts crying about a dead guy. No, you don't get to cry about the dead guy when you're on top. Not when you're on bottom. Don't use the dead guy as a crutch, Vinny. Yeah.
Now you're going to use dead nomad as your crutch? No. I'm also loving Paola like more and more. I'm loving her. And you know what I also like about her? I feel like in an alternate, like in a parallel reality, alternate reality, I feel like she could be like a cartoon film critic. And I like that about her.
Like John Lovett? Yeah, I can imagine her with a little pad and a pencil emerging from a movie theater with her glasses on. Because she always has these glasses on the edge of her nose. And she could be talking about a performance that she thought was awful. I mean, she'd have to have a New Yorker accent. But I could just see it. Yeah. Yeah.
um and then the other girl um i forget her name right now i'll remember when the notes are in front of me but the one who's you know i'm always saying is like cheering for everybody like yeah we're a team and don't you forget it guys lana yeah so she's everything she says is like some kind of gen z thing like she can't just react in a normal way if you're like i'm making a tortilla she goes not a tortilla
Or, you know what I mean? I don't know how to explain it better than that. But every time she says something, it's like, not salsa. Not the salsa. No, you didn't just say that. It cracks me up. But she's okay. I mean, I'm liking everybody so far. But you're right. This Greased On Challenge was really a stretch, even for this show.
Even for a show that has a chef who has a pity fridge dedicated to pickles from their parents. Yeah. We did get not pickles. We did get...
We did get alternate reality Padma, which I liked. And I'm sorry I'm not saying alternate reality Kristen. It's not that I don't take Kristen seriously. But this was alt-reality Padma. The Canada host clearly hates everybody there. And I love that for her. I love a good, dour host. And that's just what I needed. And they brought it to us with her. She even kind of has posture where she's like...
i'm like when they first showed her i was like oh my god she's got ronnie posture like she's just like like her whole vibe is like
Yeah, she shows up and I was like, oh, this is what we've been missing. She just is like, I'm like, but she sort of has like a different vibe of Padma. Her vibe is kind of like, yeah, like I'm after this. I'm probably going to hang out with like some cooler people. So you just cook some food or whatever. I'm probably not going to eat it. And I really like that. Like a little bit of vocal fry sort of looks like a Dina Menzel ish.
little bit, you know, I just liked her. I liked her disgust. It was like cool girl disgust. I was like, I miss this on the show. Yeah, I miss it too. So here we are. So Top Chef. So
Let's see. So we're in the stew room in the back after judging. And we find out that Katiana went home. And they're like, oh, my God, we thought she was winning. We thought she was winning. And Henry's saying, oh, God, I was really expecting you to hear my name. And Bailey's like, yeah, you're pretty used to that, huh?
I say that all the time. Thanks, baby. You're right. I'm always expecting to hear your name, too, but here you are. Old Bailey wouldn't have said that. But guess what? New Bailey's got nuts of steel. She doesn't give a fuck. We're all surprised you're still here, Henry. Okay. Yeah. New Bailey learned some things in Last Chance Kitchen. She's not afraid to say it. We don't know how you lasted this long, Henry.
and henry's like i've had this wall up for like a really long time in this competition and then in turn i wasn't giving anything out either i can't win and that wall worked both ways fuck off with your wall okay fuck off with your wall henry don't don't start my walls are up you're making shitty food henry that's it it's not because you've got some insecurity you're doing shitty work henry i'm sorry it's time to just tell you i like you you seem very nice but bottom henry no
stop stop bottom memory no no the walls are not up the walls are just you're just you're boxed in your walls can't cook said viddy is like viddy is in full sock puppet face he's like and he's like i embarrass myself on the person i wanted to impress the most the whole season and we see a flashback
to Danny, who won last season. Because Danny worked with Vinny at The Nomad. Because The Nomad has a strict policy of only hiring chefs whose names end with an N-Y. And Danny is like, well, the roulette itself was probably exactly what we did at The Nomad, but a worse version of it. So it kind of sucks. I'm going to tell everyone at The Nomad that Vinny is kind of a failure coming out of our restaurant. Yeah.
Basically, the Nomad, this was something that we would cook and then people would eat and then they would poop out and put on a plate. So it kind of had the flavor of the Nomad, but also the other waste products in a person's body. It was nasty. This was Nomad shit. Okay. This was Nomad shit. They just served us, guys.
Yeah, it's funny. We used to make this roulette at the Nomad all the time, but one thing we'd always... We'd call it the don't give it to Vinny to make roulette because he famously would always destroy it. And it's good to see that he...
He's still destroying it. Really terrible. And the pool of hollandaise didn't really help. I don't know why he did that on this. Yeah. God, I wish we had him back peeling onions, though. He was really good at that. He was a great onion peeler. That's what I want to find out about Vinny, that he was like the prep cook or something. He was the coat check. He was the coat check, and he's been Cyrano de Bergerac-ing the whole season. Yeah.
So let me –
Like, I'm going to cook my food, but you're not cooking your food. No, like, that's where you worked. Okay? Like, I've worked at Chili's. Do I make an awesome blossom every day? No. Do something else. And I love that he told him that.
Yeah, it was good. Although I'm sure that's the last thing Vinny wants to hear from the person who's winning over and over and over again. It's not about where you worked, it's about who you are. Although in my case, I can actually cook really well from where I worked because I know how to cook properly. Vinny's like, yeah, yeah, I got it and everything. He's like, yeah, flex you. Don't flex other people's accomplishments. I felt so stabbed for Vinny because poor Vinny is like...
being told in that way. I mean, he could have stopped it like, no, you know, just don't just cook things from where you work. And he's like, you're correct. And then he goes, yeah. Then he's like, flex you. Don't flex other people's accomplishments. Ouch. Oh, ouch. And yes. Good for you, Tristan.
And also stop adding hollandaise to things. So Vinny is like, yeah, I worked for James Kent for quite some time, and he's played a huge influence on my career. And unfortunately, he passed away earlier this year, and he basically made me who I am in the last few challenges. And I've been cooking for him, which is probably not what he would want. So naturally, I'm doing myself. I'm going to impress him anyways. I'm going to start cooking from me. But first, I will cook a recipe that my brother taught me. Yeah.
I'm gonna cook now. I'm gonna cook from a restaurant called Mad-No. Okay, it's basically a nomad kind of switch around who cares I'm gonna put the holidays on the bottom from now on So yeah, don't bring your trauma into it You have just been doing bad things not for somebody else because you don't know what to do Stop with the dead person crutch, but also RIP person that passed away. God bless you RIP But also Vinny next time like maybe you should adopt a child before you come on this show So that way you can miss a child
Yes! This is Top Chef. You can't cry about stuff like this. You have to cry about missing your child. Like, I was cooking for my child. That's why I've been making everything with Cheerios and applesauce. But no more! No more! One day I'll be able to see that child again if ever I pay child support. I'm Mr. Harold!
I mean, Helen. This is why he's faltering. Because he does not have a child he can call up and say, when I'm having a tough day, I just call up my child. And I just remember the strength that that child gives me. And I'm ready for the next day. I'm refueled. He has no one to refuel. Who does he call up? He calls up his brother who's like, oh, what are you going to do? Make my fucking Reuben pizza? Ha ha ha.
Okay, so now we go to the quick-fire kitchen, which is the same as every other kitchen. It's got that big maple leaf. Also, I'm over the maple leaf entrance. Okay, we get it. You're in Canada. This is so tacky. I feel like you guys are such tourists. You're like, oh, it's Canada. Make a maple leaf. We can walk through. No, just have a door. Canada also has just regular-shaped doors. Yeah, fucking leaf fakers.
By the way, why am I so evil today? I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's okay. It's a good feeling. Also, when are we going to hit the road? I mean, I love Toronto, but I feel like we need to start seeing some other places. I guess we do go on a road trip for no good reason today, so I guess there's that. They walk in, and there's a bunch of dirty dishes set up. As soon as I saw the dirty dishes, I was like, okay, this is going to be a corporate thing right now. This is going to be a detergent. I'm ready for it.
And so they see it and Kristen's like, oh, good morning. Good morning. Please welcome our, for your very special guest today, the host of Top Chef Canada, Eden Greenspan, who hilariously, her name is not Greenspan. It's Greenspan. She's just, she's like a Greenspan, but she's in a much fouler mood all the time. She's a Greenspan. Okay. She is. And it's so funny because like,
When you look at her, I don't look at someone and say, this is someone whose last name is Grinchman. I think this is someone whose name is for sure Eden, but it's like Eden... I don't know, Eden Vanderberg or something like that, but not Grinchman. And I think that's probably why she hates people so much because she's like...
Yeah, I'm like a Grinch man. And like people like it's like really hard to work through because people think I have a certain sort of personality. So I just have to like push through that and like hang out with cool people because my name is like working against me right now. Yeah. And Massimo's like, Eden, she's cool. I mean, I like her a lot. You know, some of the nicest hair in Canada. I love hair. Yeah. Under one roof. Me and her, huh? Hey, how's it going, Grinch man? I have hair too. Yeah.
Am I right? Ew, I don't know this person. Can we have him removed from the competition, please? Thank you. She's like, this feels familiar, but with grosser Americans here. So fun for me. So now we see all these chef dishes, these dirty dishes. And our friends at Finnish Ultimate have identified and can clean the 10 toughest stains in America. Wow. Wow.
I love talking about food stains in a food show. Also, we're in Canada, so can we stop? This is the most American thing we can do. Go up and shoot a show in Canada, all about Canada, and be like, well, guess what? Here are the most American stains, huh? Where are your pussy Canadian stains? What, is that a poutine? Oh, is poutine the number one stain? Because in America, the number one stain is pasta sauce. Yeah.
So we have to use the stains as inspiration for our dishes. So they literally have to come grab a dirty dish with stains cooked onto them, or dried onto them, rather, and then they have to sniff it. Guess what it is and make a dish based on the sniff. Ooh, hi, it's the ghost of Padma Lakshmi. I'm back. Was someone talking about scratching and sniffing stains? Enough about Gail's love life.
So then Kristen's like, don't lick them though. So also this chef,
I'm sorry. Top Chef has too many spinoffs because when I go on to the Peacock to watch Top Chef, I keep clicking on the wrong thing. There's cooking with Kish and there's there's last chance kitchen with Tom and they all say Top Chef, Top Chef, Top Chef. Just show me the Top Chef. Put the shit back on the Internet where it belongs. I don't need to see five million choices. You barely are getting people to watch the Top Chef. Make me make me make it available to me. So what I'm saying, don't confuse me.
Yeah, I agree. It was very hard to find that in Peacock when I tried last week. So Bailey spies a plate that has a whole bunch of green stain on it. And so she's drawn to that one because she's hoping it's pesto. Because when we're talking about the top 10 stains in America, pesto clearly has to be a top 10 stain in America. Does pesto even stain? Yeah.
It doesn't. It's so oily. It like really cleans off nicely. Yeah, it feels like oily enough to clean off, but I don't know. Top 10 in America. Massimo smells his and he's like, I smell tomato. I smell basil. Pasta. Finally. Pasta. Yes. And he's very excited. And then Lana, she's like, I might have the pan that made whatever Massimo has on his plate. Not pasta.
She has burnt on greasy meat sauce.
Yeah, that's correct. It is greasy meat sauce. And Caesar, what do you have? Caesar? Caesar? Oh, Caesar holding onto my leg. Hold on one second. Caesar, do you want to tell the group what you have? You want to tell the group what you have? He's like, please stop yelling at me. It's like, okay, Caesar. It's okay. You can do it. And he's like, I'll tell you. This fucking wuss. You've got guacamole, okay? God damn. Could someone get him out from under the table? He's like, I can't. I can't take the yelling.
Actually, Caesar has coffee and it's Bailey who has guacamole. Oh, you're right. Stupid Bailey. You're right. I failed that one. And Bailey... I mean, that is a swing and a miss. If you think you're going to be making a pesto dish, it turns out you got guacamole. Oops. A little bit off. Mm-mm.
And she's pissed because who wants guacamole, you know, besides Amanda from Summer House. And Shuey got mac and cheese and Henry got barley and oats or oatmeal, I guess, to be more specific. And then Vinny got eggs, egg yolks. I'm like, Vinny, if you make a hollandaise, I'm going to push you off this show right now. He does. Yeah.
doesn't he right he does yeah doesn't he make a benedict he does fucking baby i can't i didn't even put that together um and then uh tristan got yellow rice and paula got lasagna and paula's like well it's virtually impossible to do lasagna on a quick fire i mean how are you gonna rest the dough i mean i've got to figure out another way oh i've got an idea why don't i just kind of steam a bunch of things and
Pile them on top of each other in the middle of the plate. Yeah, I think that'll work. Well, why do you have to make the dough fresh? You just have to boil the lasagna, don't you? Can't you just boil the lasagna noodles? I mean, you don't have to bake it. I kind of think you could do this in an hour. I actually do think you could do this. I think you could boil those lasagna noodles. Yeah, an hour is enough time to boil lasagna. But I like that she's like, it's a quick fire and I have to make my own dough? No, just boil the pasta, but whatever. It's time for a commercial.
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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics.
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So then Kristen explains I have to make a new dish. And first we got to get the dirty dishes into the dishwasher to get them cleaned. So they didn't make them use these dishes, right? No, no. We just watched Kristen and Eden put the dishes in. Eden's like, ew, gross. I have to touch someone else's dishes. Eden's like, you do that, Kristen. Thanks. Thanks for letting my guest spot be a fucking do the dishes spot.
Oh, by the way, this reminded me of my friend. I don't know why I'm telling you this. It's not important. But my friend was going to start a podcast a couple of years ago with her husband and asked me to write some random song. And so it's called Do Your Dirty Dishes. I've actually got a song. Do you remember it? Do Your Dirty Dishes. Yeah. Do you remember how it goes? Yeah. Do Your Dirty Dishes. I'll put it at the end of this podcast so people can hear it.
I'm sure everyone's excited. Stay tuned, guys. You're going to get to hear an arrange. It's also the exact quote that Heather Dubrow yells at her staff. Do your dirty dishes. If I have to walk in here again and see another speck on my no-boo dishes, you're all fired. The winner of this gets $10,000. The price is...
Of an apple, basically. So start now. So everybody runs around and Paula's like, well, I can't make my own dough. So I guess I'll just go with butternut squash. Fortunately, pasta takes five hours to boil. I don't love this as a choice already. I just know. Okay. All right. All right, Ronnie. If you were not going to use pasta, what alternative are you going to use to make your lasagna layers? Tortillas. Yep.
That's it. I don't know, something, you know, like maybe like a Mexican like casserole type layered thing. I don't know. Or you do it like a – you do like a play on lasagna, like maybe a deconstructed lasagna where you can like make a – make like a quick pasta of some sort. Oh, you know what would be good? Yeah.
to slice potatoes really thinly and then layer that with cheese and all that and then make that that would be delicious yeah like i think that would hold up better and i don't like i actually don't think you want the sweetness of the butternut squash either no butternut squash now gross yeah so and it's too wet it's just too wet for for this it's not it's not firm you need the starch yeah okay
So Massimo is going to be cooking Italian food. And he's like, what is the toughest quickfire? It's when you pick up your kids from school and have 15 minutes to make them food. And I'm jettling that. You know, his wife is like, when did you last pick your kids up from school? I know his wife's like, you literally never did this. And that's why I left your ass. What are you talking about?
When the kids had to go to your work, they were living off like cans out of the fucking pantry. Let's stop. So he's like, you know, you don't have enough time to make a dough in 30 minutes and rest it and do all this. So I made a ricotta gnocchi. So that's smart, I think. Also an easier version of gnocchi. I've never really thought of doing that. Have you ever had a ricotta gnocchi?
I don't think so. Maybe at some restaurant somewhere. I do straight up potato gnocchi every time, but this sounds a lot easier. Actually, today I'm making a sweet potato gnocchi because fart, fart, fart. I love farting because part of my like weekly food prep when I'm trying to lose weight, which is always is sweet potatoes because you can just throw them in the microwave and
They're easy. And so I have those in a plastic bag in the fridge already cooked. And so I just eat those in different versions every day. And so today I'm going to squeeze all the potato out. I'm going to do a gnocchi with it. Wish me luck.
You know, I have not attempted gnocchi since about 2005 or 2006. Early on in my cooking journey, I decided to attempt gnocchi and I pulled up a Giada De Laurentiis recipe and I followed the instructions and I made my ropes and I cut them up and I did the fork thing and everything on it to give them the ridges.
And she said, you know, like put them in, you know, you boil them for like two minutes or something like that. It's really short. You probably know better since it sounds like you do them more often than I clearly have. But like you do them for like two minutes or so. And I remember I made them and I was like, two minutes? That's clearly wrong. Because my experience had only been dried pasta, which takes like 12 minutes or something like that. So I boiled those gnocchi for like eight minutes and they came out like...
Just little soppy buttery sagey pillows of potato. So you mean the actual gnocchi you were boiling for two minutes? I like dropped those gnocchi. No, no, no. The gnocchi themselves were supposed to boil for two minutes because they're not supposed to need a lot of time. Right. But I think I also did those before you made the gnocchi. Oh, the potatoes were cooked. Potatoes were cooked. I'm saying like once. So you're saying you're saying you boiled the actual gnocchis for too long.
Once I made the proper dough, which I did, and I put it in there. Sorry. I dropped the gnocchi into the boiling water. You just wait until they float. No, they floated, but I was like, this is too soon. I was like, something's wrong. I will never forget the weird soppy flavor because I was like, well, I got to eat them. They were so bad. I've not been scared, but I just always think about that. Recently, I was going to
climbed the gnocchi hill again but i haven't but oh i make it i make gnocchi often i like gnocchi i make it it's like family a family dinner thing although it takes forever to do for family dinner because it's like oh each individual little fucking thing but let's see i learned it from the lady on food network with the guy fieri hair what's her name yeah ann burrell she's great yeah i love ann burrell so i learned it from her the trick is a ricer
I love a ricer. Put the potatoes through a ricer, then chill them. You have to do that part. And then you put the flour and everything. And then, yeah, you just boil it until they rise to the top of the water. And then you take them out. And you can eat them that way, but I like to do that, dry them off, and then put them through a quick pan fry. Yeah, I feel like you're supposed to do a pan fry. Well, I was supposed to do a pan fry, but mine were so gelatinous and...
waterlogged, that was just not an option. I just remember. Yeah. Like it was really the most horrible, horrific. The big secret step. Because a lot of times, like especially when I go to Italian restaurants that are like, we do a homemade gnocchi. It's very soft. It's just like a mashed potato kind of thing. And I like that. I like it to have a little chew to it.
Yeah, no, I like a pan. Well, maybe I'll make a gnocchi soon because this is inspiring to me. Today. I can't wait. I'm very excited about it. Actually, I wasn't planning on doing that at all until we said it today. I was like, I'm doing that. I'm doing it.
Massimo has infected us. Meanwhile, you know what Vinny's going to do today? Hollandaise. He says, I'm just going to double down on everything egg. And by everything egg, I mean everything Nomad. I'm going to make some breakfast. Can you guess what I'm making? And Tristan, I didn't even pick this up. Tristan goes, a Hollandaise. I didn't even hear him say that. Tristan keeping his foot on Vinny's neck. I'd love to see it.
He goes, a Hollandaise? And he goes, um, a Benedict. Which has served with a Hollandaise, Vinny. You've even got Tristan over here truth-telling to you, and you're still just ignoring it. Lames. This is hilarious. So, um...
bailey meanwhile says well i don't want to make to just make a guacamole i want it to feel refined so i'm going to make something that has the components of guacamole so she's going to make avocado avocado and lime and cilantro sounds delicious i don't know how that's more refined it's not yeah yeah it's not it's just unmatched wouldn't mashing make it more refined i feel like there's there's got like i think it
there's got to be a way to like you can still make guacamole and have it part of an overall larger refined dish you know i thought she was gonna do like an avocado mousse on something you know
Or like almost like something that sits amongst like a, like almost like a guacamole style sauce. Right. You know, or like maybe a nice piece of like salmon with like a green, you know, a little green, you know, you know, you know what I'm doing? I'm making a little gesture of like a sauce cascading down the sides of the salmon.
Nice and green and velvety. So then Caesar got coffee. So he's like, oh my God, coffee. It's nice and roosty. So that makes me think of a dish at a place I used to work. Nomad. No, no, please stop yelling at me. We did salmon crudo with coffee oil. So I know that works. Coffee oil. Okay. But you're not pouring coffee over the salmon and then turning it into a cappuccino.
Caesar's really going whole hog with, with like, with bitter brown powders this week. He is just, he, you know, he has that thing that happens sometimes where he has, he does like one out of the box dish really well. And it's a huge success. And now he wants to do it all the time. And like, you be careful. Cause wasn't it last season? There was someone crazy every time.
Yeah, there's someone named, I think, Rasika last season who was like a front runner because she did some out-of-the-box stuff, but then she got addicted to doing out-of-the-box, and then she flew too close to the sun and got herself eliminated when she was actually, people thought she was going to win the whole thing. So, Caesar, just pull it back. Okay? Coffee and cocoa, let's keep it in our cups. Yeah.
So, Lana agrees. She's like, oh, yeah, I don't see the vision, but, you know, he did a pickle custard, and that was one of the best things Tom's ever eaten. So, who am I to question him? So, Tristan is going to do a what? Who am I to question him? Just a girl with a pickle fridge and resentment from her parents. So, what's Tristan doing? A jollof rice? How do you pronounce it? Jollof rice. Jollof rice.
So it's a West African, super iconic West African rice dish. So he's going to make that. And then Shwai is going to make rice cakes instead of dry pasta because he loves the texture of a rice cake because it's chewy. And then Henry is similarly going to go chewy. He's toasting oats and he's making a rice ball, but with oat flour instead, which is something that he grew up eating and his mom makes it a lot. So he's going to do it. So anyway,
he is, um, he's going to fill with sesame and butter and sugar and all sorts of good stuff. Um, and meanwhile, Lana's talking about how she basically hasn't earned any money so far and the prize money would help her with travel. And she says, my boyfriend lives in Sicily. It's literally a world away. He says, quote, anything to get away from the stench of that God forsaken fridge. You keep dragging around. He says, I'll move to America when I get rid of the pickles. No way. Um,
Listen, love is love. I love people finding love. That's great. That's great for you. Sicily's too fucking far. I'm sorry. What's going on? Who's cheating on who? Because that's too far. It's too far. I think we're setting up Lana to go to the finals. You know why? Because this little bit of texture in her life that she has this boyfriend who's far away, usually you see this if someone's going to be at the top or the bottom.
of the episode and she was neither. She wasn't in danger and she didn't excel, which was like, well, why are you giving this piece of information now? Which meant to me, it's a building block for building the case for her being someone we root for later on in the season. That's my little- I don't see that happening. But I don't know. Well, I just cursed her. I just cursed her. I just can't see it happening. I just, it's not that she's bad. I don't remember anything she's made, do you?
Not really. I don't think she's a standout. But you know what? You don't have to be a standout to make it to the finale, right? Especially if there's three. Because a lot of times you're like, how did that person get here? I know. But see, I feel bad even saying that about her because it's not like she sucks. I just maybe unmemorable. Well, I will say that a lot of the people who I assumed were just going to be in the finals have been going home, like Katjana and Zubair, et cetera. She'll be back.
Yeah, I hope so. She'll be back 100%. I still believe that. I still believe. Yeah. So this is my favorite thing about Top Chef's notes. Sentences like this. Paula struggles with squash. She over blanched her squash and now it's like slimy and she doesn't have time to blanch anymore. Yeah.
I've blanched too hard and I've blanched too long in my life and I can't blanch anymore. It's a great song. So Henry is going to cook Chinese food. He says that he has avoided cooking it for way too long because it's seen as something cheaper. But now he's going to highlight it. And so good for him. And Caesar is going to do little cappuccinos out of salmon, which sounds terrifying. So they've got five minutes and...
why caesar why i love listen i love both those things and i very frequently will have smoked salmon for breakfast with some coffee on the side but not in the same bite don't do that together caesar so um bailey is loving her salad she is like she's like it's giving guacamole without being guacamole i'm like so you made an avocado salad she made an avocado avocado and onion she put an avocado on like two pieces of lettuce
So Paula's like, this sucks. This is the weirdest thing I've ever made. And utensils down. It's very barfy. All right, so we start judging. And so they're serving their stuff. And then Paula brings her stuff up and she's like,
Well, this was an adventure in joy. And Kristen's like, is this a lasagna? She was like, oh, I know. Yeah, it's a lasagna. Well, that doesn't sound promising. Moth and Moth serves his gnocchi. Bailey does the salad with a trumpet mushroom, celery, and avocado, and a very light agave cumin vinaigrette.
And then Shwai has made his mac and cheese thing with the rice, I forget, the rice things. And it has so much cheese in it. He's like, so I put bechamel and cheddar and fontina and aged gruyere. I'm like, wow, it sounds like girl's toothpaste. Yeah.
So she's like, um, what kind of cheese would you make with your, what kind of cheese would you use with your thing, Eden? And Eden's like, um, I would use like five cheeses. Yeah, so we're still playing scratch and sniff, Gail. Wow. Um, Henry, what did you do with your oatmeal? Well, if he's like Gail, put it in his hair. H. Gruyere. Wow. That was what they said under Gail's yearbook picture.
He's like, well, today I made a glutinous rice ball. Wow, stop talking about Gail, am I right? It's just so easy sometimes. Sorry, continue. Sorry, gluten. Are we talking about Gail's lube on national television? Glutinous rice ball, also known as Gail's senior superlative.
Glutinous rice ball filled with maple butter, toasted oats, and oatmeal broth. Okay. You're losing me at oatmeal broth, but you're winning me with glutinous. The fact that in 2025 that someone is actually trying to sell something as glutinous, I hope you win this whole show. I'm sorry for every mean thing I said about you in the beginning, and I called you terrible. Thank you for trying to bring gluten back to the streets. Okay. We deserve gluten.
So Eden is like, so, like, how did you make the rice balls? You've got five seconds because I'm already bored. And it's like glutinous rice flour. She's like, okay, with the gluten trauma. Okay. Yeah, you don't have to, like, you don't have to brag. So he's like, yeah, glutinous rice flour, a touch of AP and warm water to get it chewy. Don't, like...
I can't, I don't know why when he said a touch of AP, I was like, oh, that's so chefy. Stop it. It is. But also, also nothing will out douche this oatmeal broth. Sorry. I have to just say that again. Cause what? Stop it.
oatmeal crock. Kristen's like, hmm, tastes like my childhood breakfast, Finny. He's like, well, I made you eggs, Benedict, carbonara hollandaise with a poached egg, some arugula hollandaise and an egg yolk vinaigrette made of more hollandaise and then served on challah, which is really just frozen hollandaise in the shape of a bread slice. As you'll notice, I use this, Benedict, to spell out the word nomad on the plate. So I hope you enjoy it.
Tristan did his golden rice with clams, peas, and some charred shishito. And Lana did a meat sauce eggs in purgatory, she calls it. Wow. That's like Gail's closet, which I call fashion purgatory. Also with sausage. And Cesara introduces his salmon cappuccino with cured salmon, celery root that's been pickled with coffee, coffee mustard, and coffee crumble. Wow.
You're going to be driving a salmon cappuccino bus home. This is crazy. They should have changed the rules just to fire you right now because this shit's crazy. Go back to your under the bed heat lamp, you fucking weirdo. Kristen, this is when I do need you to be more like Padma because she's like, how did you arrive at bringing those two together? No, ask it like this.
Why did you do this to us? Ask it like that. Because he's like, it felt right. Well, Eden, how did our chefs do with these tough stains? Fantastic. I mean, sort of like lame, but like fantastic. I'm truly, truly impressed with everyone except the people in this room. He's like, okay, great. Well, unfortunately, there were a few stains that may have been tougher than they look.
Do you see what I'm doing there? Because finish, et cetera. Go ahead and be mean to somebody for me, Eden. Eden's like, Paula, loved the cashew ricotta. Unfortunately, your lasagna fell apart. It was shit. I hope it dies. I hope you die with it. I hope you choke on it and die. Okay? Who's next? Um.
Bailey wanted to get guacamole from your dish, but licking the actual dried guacamole dish was better than whatever the fuck you just served me. Okay. I hope you die as well.
I would literally rather choke on the giant ass knot inside of an avocado than eat your wretched salad one more time. Unfortunately, it felt more like avocado was the star. Oh, were you looking at Gail's TikTok again? Okay. It was a good salad, though. No, Kristen, you just leave it as it sucked.
And then, okay, and one more, Eden, can you just shit on one more person? Yes. Caesar, okay, hello, you're named after a salad. Like, why don't you make a salmon salad? Because instead, the coffee and the salmon, it wasn't really a great pairing. Oh, yeah, sort of like Gail in any dress she's ever worn. Yeah, exactly. Wow, that went together like Gail in jorts. Yeah.
It just felt a little bit too rich, unlike Gale's fashion sense. Wow. Can you see me? Are you like that little boy in that movie about the senses? About the senses? Yeah.
There's a movie about a boy in the census. It's called The Sixth Sense. It's Pat Ma. I'm actually friends with Haley Joel. I thought you said the census, like how many people live in your home or whatever. Wow. Seems like a very, sounds like the gale of movies. Like no one wants to watch it. God, poor Haley Joel. He's going through a rough time. So anyway, um,
I think he did something, I think, problematic, right? He was drunk and said something wrong. Yeah, he was drunk in public on coke or something, like coked out in public, allegedly, and went on a tirade calling people the K-word. No! Yes. Like he went crazy. Like anti-my people? Yes. He pulled a Mel Gibson.
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So, Kristen is like, but A-plus for creativity, though, that salmon. Basically, that salmon cappuccino was Haley Joel Osment on a bender. Okay, we don't need any more of that. So then Massimo is one of the tops because Eden loved the beautiful gnocchi dish. Loved that. I have to say that in like 30 minutes, I'm so impressed that
with just how much you could annoy me in such little time. Congratulations. Bravo. They loved that. And Henry's mochi ball was very unique and very nostalgic. Eden's like, God,
I haven't had a mochi ball like that since I was never. So, God, I remember that growing up. Just remember growing up not eating gluten. But, wow, good try. That was delicious, though. Loved it. The mochi ball, that's like really nostalgic. It reminded me of last year when I threw one of them at Dan Levy's face at the Emmys. I was like, get out of my way, four eyes. Love that.
I want to eat a mochi ball. I'm going to learn how to make that. I've never made anything like that. That looks actually kind of good.
At this point, by the way, I was like, oh, Henry's at the top. Maybe this wall thing, you know, we talked about his walls were down now and he's like now cooking the thing that he likes. I was like, okay, maybe he is having a turnaround because a lot of times on Top Chef, they're like not happy until you cook from your heritage. And they're like, finally, you're cooking what you know. Yeah. And then Tristan did the baked on rice dish and she loved it. Yeah.
She just loved it. So Kristen loved the heat, loved how the rice was cooked, and the chef that really wowed us was Henry! Henry, you did it! Your oatmeal broth saved the day! I cannot believe they let something win that had oatmeal broth.
He's like, I'm in shock. I'm excited. I needed this. Everything will be smooth sailing going forward. Henry, you just won $10,000 from our friends at Finish Ultimate so you can remove the stain of all the other terrible food you've cooked for us all season long. Congratulations.
So Henry's like, oh my god, gluten! Gluten won me ten grand! Party! Can't wait to tell my mom when I get home in the morning! So Kristen's like, okay, Eden, thanks for being here, grouchy pants. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. Okay, please leave. So, okay, tomorrow we're gonna have our first ever pizza party! Bailey's like, pizza might seem simple, but it is truly an art form, and you'll see when I destroy mine later in this episode. Okay.
She's like, not everything can be deconstructed guacamole. Am I right? Yeah, she's correct, though. Pizza is not easy. I went through this time where I water fasted for 43 days. I did not eat anything. I only drank water. Do you remember that?
Yes. Yes, I do. I looked absolutely insane. My eyes were even vacant. Like my eyes were completely. Anyway, it was like some trend. I know it sounds like an eating disorder and I guess it was thinking back on it. But at the time I was like really into this Reddit that was about fasting and I had watched a Netflix documentary that was like, oh my God, fasting changes your life and it fixes depression. So it's like, I'm in.
So anyway, I lasted 43 days. I mean, you don't get hungry, but man, by the end of this, all I was doing was watching YouTube food videos because I was like, I'm going to learn how to cook so much better now. And when I come out of this, I'm going to really respect food. And one thing I've always wanted to know how to make is pizza.
Can I tell you, I never made a damn good pizza. And I tried 40 pounds later, by the way, because I gained it all back immediately. Still cannot make a pizza. That shit is hard, Ben. It's hard. I agree. I went to a pizza making class actually last year. And I feel like I...
I feel like I learned. I feel like I now I feel like I actually can make a good pizza. I've been wanting to make a pizza ever since then. And I haven't done it. And I'm worried that I'm going to lose all the lessons that I learned. But it is hard. There's an art to it. There's a difference between a flatbread and a pizza. And that's why we all we all know we all know. Well, I mean, we always say, oh, well, even bad pizza is good pizza, which is true. But we all know the difference. We all know the difference. We've been there.
Yeah, we've been there. I can still just – even I tried again during COVID. I was like, well, you know, maybe the world's ending. So I'm going to learn how to make – still couldn't do it. Still cannot fucking do it. I can only make like a really thin, like flat, crispy – I can make that kind. But I don't – whatever. I want to make like a chewy, glutinous pizza crust. Just can't do it.
Well, maybe someday we'll get there. Anyway, everyone, what's a pizza party without a few more friends? Chefs, please welcome the owner of Stretch Pizza, Gail Simmons. Oh, I thought you meant Stretch Pants. Continue, Kristen. Stretched Rayon, Gail Simmons.
James Beard, award winner and Michelin star chef, Wiley Dufresne. And also top chef, all-star owner and former innovator in small hats, We The Pizza, Spike Mendelsohn. So here comes Spike, who looks like he's 40 years older, which was crazy. But it's crazy. When he first came on the show, it was like 15 or 17 years ago.
So he comes out. He's very like Vincent D'Onofrio, Criminal Minds or whatever that show is. You know, he looks kind of like Vince these days. But it was, I guess, good to see him. I don't remember if he was evil. Was he a villain? No, I think we all, I really liked him. It was, I remember it was him and that guy, Andrew, I think. They were, that was a great season. I don't know. He is back. And,
um, and he says the thing that is now becoming a cliche of alums returning to top chef, which is, Oh, it's nice to be back, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't full of anxiety right now. Wow. Being back at the quick fire chicken kitchen. Wow. It's really bringing back feeling lots of anxiety. This is like the third person this season that said that like the joke is over. We get it. We get it. Yeah. That's hard. Um,
But I will say, Wiley Dufresne, thank you for cutting your hair. I don't know how many years it's been, but I remember Wiley would come on the show and I was like, oh, congratulations on using liquid nitrogen and like ox piss for whatever you're doing. But could you please cut your hair? Could you please like abandon the girl who works at the info desk at the Student Resource Center in college haircut? Soul style.
but soul style is like you have to walk up to him and he's going to point you in the right direction to someplace that's just so specific uh but true
So, I don't know why he's here for this. I mean, I know he has, like, a famous pizza place and stuff, but Wiley's usually here for, like, the gastrointestinal challenge or whatever. It's like, my stomach hurts! It's like, because you just ate a puppy! You just ate a puppy turned into a chocolate pudding that looked like a boob. Who made this? Okay, here's what I'm mad about with Stretch Pizza. I've never been. I'm sure it's excellent because it's Wiley Dufresne.
But I just, first of all, the name Stretch Pizza, I don't love the name Stretch Pizza. And then I looked it up just now and I see the signage of it. And it has like real kind of fast casual signage. And I'm like, this is clearly a fast casual play. I'm assuming that there are, I don't know if there's more than one location. I guess there's only one location. But like you don't make a pizza place and give it this font without hopes that it becomes...
a fast cat like it becomes like franchised and i'm already mad because it probably will be a franchise and it'll be very expensive for what it is i'm just saying that right now i'm mad that i'm gonna go to a mall someday and go to stretch pizza and say this is very expensive for what it is
Yeah, it looks like they have... Oh, no, this is from somewhere called PMQ that has caviar pizza. No, it's not. Get that the fuck out of my way. I think the stretch pizza looks pretty damn good, I have to say. I Googled it as well. I'm looking at the pizza. This is the crust I like. It looks like a whole hoagie roll around that. Like, it's huge. And you can tell it's just so chewy. I'm into it. Look, I'm looking around. I'm on their order online. Yeah.
do their pizzas look absolutely delicious yes do i want one right now yes does the caesar salad look great yes but it's also 19 see i knew it overpriced i knew it
Well, the Caesar salad, a Caesar salad is $19. And here's the thing. You put that font up that big, goofy sans serif, bubbly font up like, oh, I'm just your fun neighborhood pizza place, but I'm going to charge you $19 for Caesar salad. I know I'll be mad. Yeah. And I am mad.
Yeah, me too. Yeah. They're even charging that much lately, though, for like acai bowls. Like there's a bowl placed by me and I was like, I'm going to order a bowl. And they were like, that's $19. It's like an acai bowl. What's in it? Stem cells? Send me a fucking acai bowl. Well, yeah. Wait, should you? Well, we'll wait to the Valley until we address the word acai. Acai. Is that not proper?
No, remember last week you said you heard something and people were like, they said acai and like all weekend long, all weekend long messages. So I also want to say one last thing about Stretch Pizza is that one of the pizzas on here, it's a bacon, red onion, tomato sauce and mozzarella pizza. And for some reason it's called the DL. And I don't know why it's called the DL, but do they know what DL means in our culture? Yeah.
Slick dick on the down low. Do we need to have a conversation with this pizza? I'm into a closeted pizza. Fuck yeah. I'll pay $19 for that. Okay, so then we go to intros. And they're like, oh, wow. And Wiley Dufresne brings on his Wiley charisma, where he's like, hi, I'm Wiley. Wiley Dufresne. Hi.
I cook things out of stomach acid. So, Kristen, can I say something also? I was going to wait until later in the episode, but in the previews for this week, they showed Wiley and Spike and everything. And later on, when they announced the winner for the challenge, Spike and Wiley clasp hands, but Wiley is also wearing sunglasses because they're outside.
And when they showed this moment, they said, they showed this moment of them clasping hands and him in the sunglasses. And in the context of this episode, it was actually kind of like a, I think they're being jokey, but in the context of the preview, it looked like a very serious moment. And I literally built a narrative in my head where I said, did Wiley Dufresne lose his vision? And was Spike helping him with his hand right now? And I was like, oh my God, what happened to Wiley Dufresne?
And I had this whole vision in my head all week long
That Wiley Dufresne had lost his vision, his eyesight. Poor Wiley. Geez. I don't think so. Cause he got a good haircut. He hasn't. No, he hasn't at all. Yeah. I think. And that's it. That doesn't mean people with that vision don't get good haircuts. It just means, I think he was like, it's time to get my haircut. It's like, I need a cuter haircut. So, so then let's see. So, oh, so Kristen's like, okay. Yeah.
One might be thinking, why pizza in Canada? Well, who here has heard of Hawaiian pizza? And they're like, oh, gross. Hawaiian pizza is disgusting. But it was made in Canada. So watch your fucking tongues. Yeah, I know. Seriously. Otherwise, Eden Greenspan is going to come back and.
moan at you. So then we hear everyone talks about who likes pineapple. Some people like it, some people don't. But it turns out it was invented in Canada by a Greek immigrant, which I had no idea about.
And then Wiley's like, you know, motivate. He just gets the history of it. Like, literally, no one cares. And so then they talk about it for a very long time because guess what? This is going to be a Hawaiian pizza challenge. No, it's not. They just talk about it for a long time. They really do. I went down the same road you did. I was like, everyone has to make Hawaiian. Wasn't it enough that they all had to make pickles last week? Come on.
But no, that's just something that was conceptualized here. And then someone else, Chef Kero Oshada, started experimenting with sushi, and he made a sushi pizza. So we see a picture of an actual rice, not rice flour, but like an actual rice crust with sushi on top of it. So it's a creative pizza challenge. Ooh, test the limits.
Yeah, I think this is their way of trying to explain why they were doing a pizza challenge in Canada. Because they're like, yeah, the audience will be very confused about why we're doing this. So they have to make a really innovative pizza, essentially. And it's going to have to be... Spike says it's something that sparks a conversation, a debate, and tastes delicious. Like, God, because who... When I eat pizza, you know what I love? A pizza that's going to spark conversation. Yeah.
If I don't debate over my pizza, I'm out. Yeah. So they're going to have to cook for like a whole – like a shit ton of people, 70 people. And they're going to cook – it's all going to take place at Niagara-on-the-Lakes Ravine Vineyard. So that's what they're going to do. And by the way –
We're sending you to Niagara Falls. So don't get too wet for this challenge that has nothing to do with Niagara Falls. How did they not come up with like a waterfall inspired something or another? Like, how do they not make a Niagara Falls based challenge? Well, I don't know, but they do. And I guess it makes sense because Niagara Falls is wet and pineapple pizza is also wet. So I don't know. So then, yeah.
Vinny's like, oh my god, we gotta cook for Wiley? Fuck me! Does he even like Nomad? So they all go to Whole Foods. They've got 250 bucks. And we see them run around getting stuff. But the big issue is they get to the kitchen,
And what we see Henry checking out and he's like, do I have enough money? Am I going to make it? Do I have the, you got the flower, right? But he left one of his bags of flour on the bottom of the cart. Dude, look, just look at what's in your cart. Just look at what's in there and say, what else here do I need?
He takes out a basil plant and he's like, don't need the basil plant. And I just assume everything else here is basil. Look at the cart. Just look at it. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So Massimo's doing a standard pizza, I guess. He's doing something kind of standard. He's like, for my pizza, I'm going to put clams and mussels on it. I'm like, ooh, a clam pizza. Really, really...
really reinventing pizza there oh I forgot that he did that for some reason I thought he just did kind of like a margarita standard type thing but okay well like clams and mussels I mean he was doing like a he later on says it's like a chowder without like the chowder part but I'm like uh I think clam pizzas are kind of like pretty iconic it's like the best pizza a lot of times what's considered the best pizza in America is a clam pizza out of New Haven so I'm like
really? I've never heard of that. But that's interesting that it is because then the judges later were like, ooh, fish and cheese, what? And they have a debate over that. But if that's a famous pizza, shouldn't they know that? I know, I was confused. I'm like, it's a really famous pizza in New Haven, like a really famous one. So it is shocking that they're confused about that. They're like,
They're like, wow, cheese and seafood on a pizza. Who would have thought? And I actually hadn't heard. I'm sure they have mentioned this on Top Chef before, but I remember it being a big deal on Food Network on some competition show. Someone was like, cheese and fish. Disgusting. This is automatically a loser. Everybody knows not to put cheese with fish. And they were like, yeah, cheese and fish. And I was like, have you people never had a tuna melt? Like, when did this become such a big thing?
Yeah. It's just so weird to me that they act like it's just so crazy. I mean, there's lots of things. Clam dip. Cheese and fish. Yeah. I feel like that's like an outdated idea. I think that fish and cheese not only can work well together, I think they do work well together. I want to put it right there. I think it just like somehow we got this idea that we can't do it, but we 100% can and I'm all for it.
Hey everyone, this is the end of part one of this recap. For part two, keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening. Catch you on the second half. Squirrels fly when the moon starts shining. Diamonds in the street, but there's dirt and weather mining. Flip on the boobie, snag a scooby-doo, you dirty tissues.
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