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When a young woman named Desiree vanishes without a trace, the trail leads to Cat Torres, a charismatic influencer with millions of followers. But behind the glamorous posts and inspirational quotes, a sinister truth unravels. Binge all episodes of Don't Cross Cat early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Watch what crap happens. Watch what crap happens. Watch what crap happens.
Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Happens. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one. Guys, it's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one, okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show.
So Henry has no flour and everyone he's, he's as a result, one thing that we also hear in the midst of all this is that pizza dough is very finicky. I think it was Bailey who tells us this, which is like, if you're, if your ratios are wrong, your pizza dough is just not going to rise. And so he doesn't have as much flour as he needs. So he's just concerned. He's not having, he's, he's just concerned that his shit's not going to work and spoiler alert.
It definitely does not. It does not work. And Lana even helps him by giving him some flour. But yeah, it doesn't work. So Shoei is doing a scallion pancake pizza. He's just going to make a big giant scallion pancake and put stuff on there. And then Henry's still failing miserably. And Sisara's like, they wanted weird pizza, so I'm going to hide under it. And then when they eat it, I'm going to go, I'm a rutabaga! Yeah!
A surprise rutabaga from under the bed. Tristan... Meanwhile, Tristan's going to make an Armenian flatbread pizza because Tristan is...
like amazing like every week he's like yeah so like last week it was like i was working with these crazy swedes so here's i hate this food but i know how to cook swedish food and this week he's like guess what this week i'm gonna cook armenian food because i also know how to do that too i'm like what does he not know how to cook yeah he really does know how to cook a lot paula is gonna do a fugazetta doll you bloom the yeast on milk and sugar making a faster fermentation
Okay. So then Vinny is, he's like mixing it and he's like, I just try and develop the Nomad as much as possible. And that's just, I just keep beating it and beating it, you know? What we do in the Nomad is that we, we take Hyundai sauce and we freeze it in a disc-like shape. And then we toss it in the air just so it looks and feels like pizza. And we just put red sauce on top. It's wonderful. Yeah.
So Lana is like, you know, I'm from New York City. Because now they go to Niagara City Cruises. And so they put on ponchos to look at Niagara Falls. And she's like, I'm from New York City, but I still like nature. Thanks for the insight. She's getting a lot of little...
The softer side of Lana, she likes nature. Yeah. Yeah, they get close to Niagara Falls and they all get rain in their faces. And then the next day, it's a really inconsequential trip to Niagara Falls. The
Then we go back home and see if there's more impressive. I'm sorry, Ben, but Niagara Falls is more impressive than I thought because I feel like people who go to Niagara Falls are like, oh, big deal. I thought Niagara Falls was going to be this great thing. It's just like a little thing. It's like nothing. That's what I've heard a lot, but I actually thought it was very pretty. Yeah. I think Niagara Falls is amazing. Oh, I've heard other people are like so unimpressed with Niagara Falls. Ew. Yeah.
I'm not impressed with people who are unimpressed with Niagara Falls. I went there in sixth grade and I literally had my mind blown. I thought I actually liked it more than the Grand Canyon. That's my hot take. I literally, I could literally sit there and just stare at those waterfalls for hours and hours on end. Like I love Niagara Falls so much and I think they're big and beautiful and whoever is shitting on Niagara Falls, you
You need to find out who hurt you that you feel compelled to shit on Niagara Falls when you know they're majestic and wonderful. Yeah, that's a fail take anti-Niagara Falls. So then back at the apartment, Cesar gets on the phone with his mom. And his mom is so cute because no matter what he says, she just goes, I love you so much.
That's her response to everything. It's like, Mom, I've been kind of nervous, but everything's okay. I love you so much, but I'm kind of scared. But I love you so much. And the other day I made ice cream with pickles in it. I love you so much. I was like, this lady, is that all she says? It's cute, though. I like it.
She's basically like on her end. It's like, you know, it's just him frozen and she doesn't hear anything. So she just is like, I'm just gonna say I love you so much until one of these times. Yeah. So it's the guess what? It's the next day and Henry's dough is dead. It did not rise. So he's gonna have to make sushi pizza at the last second. He's gonna have to do this. He has he has rice that he brought from home and
and uh he's like well i guess this is what i'm gonna do so just when he did this come on man you're gonna make the literal thing that they showed you this is so uncreative henry i've been rooting for you henry i know but the thing that's the other thing is that like he's his original pizza was gonna be like a pho pizza so he had the flavors of pho but it's gonna be on like a sushi rice um pizza so i was like this is doomed even if it does work i don't
And we don't know because it's Henry. Let's be honest. Yeah. I knew this was not going to go well. I think everybody knew. I think we all knew this wasn't going to go well. So meanwhile, Lana is doing oxtails and a Tamarind barbecue sauce for hers. And then Tristan is doing his crazy, amazing looking flatbread thing. And Sway's got some lamb going. And he has made the mistake of doing something with a ton of vegetables. Um,
And people don't really think about this. When you go vegetarian or something or you just start eating a ton of vegetables, as I have recently, that takes long. That takes a really long – it takes a long time to make a good salad and cut all that shit. I'm sorry. It's too much. It does. It's so much easier just to, like, fucking throw some cheese on some tortillas and call it a day. Yeah. It's a lot of chopping.
So, Massimo tells us that, he's like, I got into cooking accidentally by getting a summer job at a pizzeria. I ended up falling in love with the craft this way. His wife is like, yeah, I know. You spent more time in that freaking pizza parlor than you did with our kids. That's...
That's why I left you. So Bailey is... Someone else I'm not surprised that is kind of not impressive is Bailey. And I thought Bailey when she came back with her new attitude, but Bailey's like the past few things, chicken parm pizza. Maybe that's not an innovation. Yeah, it's not. What are you innovating? That's like a California pizza kitchen kind of thing. Like half those ingredients are already kind of on the pizza. So you're just adding essentially fried chicken to a pizza, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you're putting chicken parm on top of a pizza. That sounds gross. So she's doing that as basic. I'm sorry, you are basic. And then Tristan...
is deciding that he is going to use the inside ovens because they're allowed to use outside like what brick ovens or whatever or inside ovens yes and uh i'm also here to say it's totally inconsequential to this episode yeah they just had to mention their pizza oven sponsor the grozny uh or the gosney or the kate gosney kate gosney gosney
So, but Caesar, meanwhile, he's discovering that like the cocoa powder in his dough is causing his, his pie to sort of like stick to the peel. So he's got drama going on over there. And then Paula is just got too much stuff going on on her. So everyone's kind of like flopping right now. Everyone is falling apart across the board. Um,
Except maybe Massimo. Massimo's got his all right and everything. And Vinny also is doing well because he makes pizza all the time with his brother. So, you know, they're doing that. But meanwhile, people start showing up. And basically, it's time to serve the people. Yeah. So let's see who's here. Guest judges, etc. I have to say, Gail looks great today. Love her outfit. Yeah.
No patterns. She gets a pattern-free top. Leather dress, like leather skirt looked beautiful. Good for you, Gail. It's a rare thing, but it's great to see when it happens. And so, you know, we've got someone named John there. I don't know. Spike is there. Wiley's there. You know, they're all there.
And they're making jokes about Spike because Spike's like, wow, why did it take you so long to invite me to this pizza party? And Wiley's like, oh, they had to wait for the restraining order to clear.
So, by the way, John, I think he runs the vineyard that they're in. That's who John is. He's like, John also has a pretty aggressive comb-over. I just want to also add. I noticed it. It's a comb-over pizza. Our innovation is that we took one part of the pizza and combed it over to the other part. Spaghetti. We called it a calzone. Spaghetti.
so lana's having issues with hers etc and henry is saying he's like you know there's no time for testers you only get one shot at this and my pan is ripping hot like actually i think you do have time for like a small tester can't you make a teeny little ricey little little rice pizza and just see the texture because
You're going to want to test that out before you send that out, that race situation. Yeah, got to test people. Got to test. Always test them. So then Eden's there. She's like, I feel like this is a really difficult challenge because pizza means so much to us guys, doesn't it? And all in different ways. To me, it's a good snack. To Kristen, it was a good dinner with her mom. To Gail, it's an outfit.
You're doing great. Hire her. Hire her. Specifically her wedding dress. She didn't have a flower girl at her wedding. She just had a little girl who threw pepperoni down the aisle. Gail's like, everyone has a point of reference for pizza. Yeah.
Yes, that explains why Gale's always like, please point me in the direction of pizza. I need a reference. Gale's entire Apple Maps is filled with little pizza shops dotted along the way. Her phone is actually just a small slice of Sicilian pizza. That's why she always needs, quote unquote, to upgrade her phone. Well, you know what I like? I like a Sicilian pie. That's what I like. And Gale's like, I mean, personally, I like a thin crust. Yeah.
Oh, that's funny. That's also how we describe your hair. Thin crusts. And Kristen's like, um, the dough is most arguably the most important part. And so Tom asked Wiley how long he works on his recipes. And Wiley's like, oh, I'm still working on it. Well, if it takes you as long as it took you to cut your hair, I guess it'll be a while before you perfect your recipe. So back in the kitchen, the scallion pancakes coming along. Um,
But Sway is worried that it's not thick enough. But it's still a great vehicle for toppings. So let's see. And yeah. So now we have our first batch of pizzas. So there's what's his face? Tristan's going to make like an anchovy ranch to go along with his. And Kristen's like, oh, Tom, are you a ranch fan? And he's like,
I've never seen it with pizza. I've never been offered. Actually, Tom, you have been offered. Unfortunately, Gail gets there before you. Sorry. Come on, Tom. You've been offered ranch. Do you remember that time you were thirsty and Gail offered you her flask?
How does Tom Glickio never have ranch with his pizza? That's wild. Here's my question. Why do people like this even own restaurants? Like, is it just an emperor's new clothes kind of thing where the restaurant really sucks? Like Vinny from Nomad who doesn't know how to make Indian food or has never eaten it or has to put Holland in. This is just like rich people restaurant stuff. You've never had ranch with your pizza. Why would I ever eat anything that you cooked? Why? Ever. Ever. No, I don't trust you anymore, Tom. No. No.
um, or should I, can you tell us about your pizza? And he, he's always this guy and pizza thing and everything. And Tristan's talks about his, his Armenian pizza. And so, um, and then Lana talks about hers. Hers is a pizza with a honey nut squash sauce, Tamarind barbecue, oxtails, buttermilk dressing, and fried plantain chips. Um,
So they all start eating. That sounds crazy. Everything in this sounded crazy to me, but not terrible. Except the squash sauce, but at least she's using the squash as a sauce, so it's already wet.
Yeah, because Squash already kind of fucked up a lasagna earlier this episode. So, you know, they like Schwa's scallion pancake situation. And they thought that like the Lana's was baked well, you know, but like, yeah, so I think they like it. They like it there. They like it.
I thought that Tristan did a great job. And it's definitely more of a flatbread in the style of a dough. Very thin, crispy. It was spicy. It had tang. Come on, someone jump in here. It can't be all me. Wow, full of tang. Add a cup of peanut butter sandwiches to that and we've got Gale in the morning. So the scallion pancake goes over very well. They kind of like that.
And Tom's like, well, we're using the term pizza fairly loosely, I guess. But, you know, he played to his strength, which is scallion pancakes, I guess. I mean, I don't know. Someone want to take this over? Sometimes in life, we have scallions. Sometimes in life, we have pancakes. This is a journey. You get to put both together. All right. Bodmo? Bodmo? This is Eden Greenspan here. I just want to add...
Ew. Okay. So then Caesar's working on his things and now it's time for the next batch. Okay. Everyone, by the way, before the next batch comes out, I love an exciting pizza party conversation. So everyone, Chicago deep dish. How do you feel about it? John's like, that's lasagna in my opinion. And they're like, yeah, they can have their deep dish. Boo, deep dish. Yeah. To me, it's like a pizza.
Yeah, Deep Dish just likes a pizza. What a hot dog is to a sandwich. We're like, okay, wait, let me do this. I can do it too. Because my dear friend Ali Wong is a comedian. Okay. Deep Dish is the pizza as Gail is the Deep Dish. The same thing, right? Wow. Deep Dish, otherwise known as Gail's Wedding China. Am I right, Gail? Yeah.
Deep Dish, also known as Gail's favorite spa treatment. By the way, I will not handle any of this Deep Dish slander. Deep Dish is fucking amazing pizza. Who doesn't want more bread on their pizza?
I don't know. I don't feel like it's not more bread. I feel like it's just like a lot more tomato sauce. It's very, it's a lot more dough. Well, yeah, you can tell them light sauce for it. I mean, you can perfect it, but I mean, come on, get, get the fuck away from my deep dish. I like deep dish. I like it. I do like it quite a bit, but I think it's probably on the lower end of my, of my favorite pizzas. You know, I think like classic New York style is my favorite fall by Detroit. And then maybe Sicilian, then probably deep dish. Tom says, um,
It's, you know, deep dish is like to pizza what a hot dog is to a sandwich. I don't get that.
Did you get that? Everyone laughed like that. Is that like hot dog is like hot dog may technically be a sandwich and that there's a meat in bread, but it's not really a sandwich. He's like basically saying, yeah, I mean, okay, here we go. Pizza is to a hot dog. Okay. No, deep dish is to a pizza when a mixologist is to a Michelin star winning chef. Joke. Why would you do that? You're going to have a good path. Disappointment. Pure disappointment. It's like a son.
Who has his entire world set up for him and decides to be a mixologist? How do you understand it? One day someone said, hey, Tom, it's take your son to work day. And I said, my son doesn't have a job. He's a mixologist. And they said, no, Tom, that means you take your son to your job. And I said, oh, hell no. No one respects a mixologist. Nope. Nope. Nope. He's a hot dog. He's a hot dog. He's like a hot dog compared to a sandwich.
You know what? It's like the beginning of a, you know, when you're making a deep dish, you're rolling out that dough and for a moment, you have a chance to make a thin crust. He said, you know what? That would be a deep dish. He already had a chance. My son had his chance. Good luck making tequila sunrises the rest of your life. So Henry introduces his chocolate pizza.
No, no, Henry's not chocolate pizza. I'm sorry. He's the sushi pizza. So he's like, I fully embrace the sushi pizza. Walls down, guys. $110,000 today. Nothing can bring me down now. So I made a pho version of pizza, which really doesn't make any sense. But it's brisket marinated in pho flavors and topped with herb pesto and hoisin and sriracha. So hope you like it. That's a leftover oatmeal broth if you wanted to.
Spread that on top. I'm sorry. Please don't serve Gail's mouthwash with this. This is dinner. Spike's like, you went for it, man. It's like, yes, just like you pushing that tiny little hat on us for 15 years. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.
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Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect. For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day... I texted her and she was not getting the text. So I went to Instagram, she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person.
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From Wondery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I
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So then Cesar introduces his, which is the mole negro chicken thighs, black bean salsa with crispy chicken skin pizza. And Spike is like, what was your dough made of? Which is, excuse me, excuse me. Hi, I just have a note from the afterlife. I believe the proper question is, did you mean to make such a disgusting brown dough? What is wrong with you that you think this is acceptable to serve to me?
Hi, I just was speaking to Joan, Joan of Arc, and she says, what is that? Gross. You know who needs a miracle? You, to get through this competition. Joan of Arc just heard your description for pizza and set herself on fire again. Thanks a lot. I also was just haunting Joan Van Arc's house, and she says, remember me? And I said, no, who are you?
That's it. She said, I'm the lady who was sitting next to Gail when she scratched and sniffed. And then I died and went to heaven. By the way, I spoke to Marie Curie, and she said she'd rather die of radiation ten times over than eat that sad crust.
So they're like, okay. And Caesar's like, it's standard pizza dough. And I put a bit of cocoa powder into it. Don't yell at me. And then Bailey comes out. She's like, hi, everybody. It's me, New Bailey. I did chicken parm pizza with bread. And I just, you know, I made a chicken thigh and a quick sausage. Yeah, I hate long sausage. I love quick sausage. Quick sausage. Yeah. Yeah.
I use some AP with it. So just, okay. So I decided to take the standard thing with pizza. You know, pizza is always just like dough with tomato sauce, cheese, maybe some sort of, you know, spiced meat. And I said, well, here's what I'm going to do instead. Pizza with a tomato sauce, mozzarella. Yeah, I use mozzarella. Provolone, haven't heard that on a pizza before.
Sausage on a pizza. I know, I know. Let's just like, everyone just hold just, and I put some chicken. Hold your horses.
So everyone can consider yourself innovated. You've been Bailey Bailey out. He just got Bailey suckers. New Bailey out. So Spike's like, uh, there's a lot of bread. Maybe that's what she was going for. And while he's like, yeah, but it's not cooked, unfortunately. And she put cornmeal on the bottom to stop it from sticking to the ovens. But she put way too much on there.
And Kristen and Eden don't mind it. Wow, it's like watching Gail get up from her seat on an airplane. So much cornmeal there. I mean, it is nice to see Gail exfoliate every once in a while.
Well, I hear that when Gale wears her jort, she needs to put some cornmeal under her thighs. Otherwise, it's sticky, sticky, sticky. That's so rude. Kristen and Eden don't mind the cornmeal, but Gale is like, I find that way too grainy. And Spike says it tastes like mass-produced pizza. And Kristen's like, that's why I like it, maybe. Yeah.
So funny guys. Listen, even though I like it, but we also spent the day licking, um, tough stains. We went through a, we went through a challenge sponsored by finish. So at this point, we're happy for any corn meal. We have anything that's not stuck to the plate. We're happy with. So,
Oh, Finnish. I actually adopted a son from Finland just to pen pal with. You know, I donated some money to his family just to make up for the fact that my son's a mixologist. So he hasn't written me for a while, but I think I'll be okay. Finnish, Tom. It's a dishwashing liquid. God, I wish my son was a dishwasher.
We don't have all day. I mean, I guess technically I have eternity because I'm dead. But listen, there are things that are happening. I don't know if you know this, but Susan Sontag is having a reading at 4 p.m. So get to it. Wow. You know, Blanche from the Golden Girls called me and asked if we brought up her name on the show today. And I said, yes, everything's over Blanche. She's still crying.
Oh, God. Did you hear that Paula had Blanche trauma? Wow. Haven't we all? Oh, sorry. I guess you guys aren't in the afterlife yet and having to sit next to Rue McClanahan while she picks her teeth. Well, my good friend Liberace says, bring out the next prize.
They don't like Henry's sushi pizza at all, which I don't know why we're still calling it sushi pizza because it's not really, is it? I'm so confused. So they can't pick it up. So I don't know about sushi pizza itself. Okay, one thing I do know, here's something.
There are like ramen burgers where people make patties out of like ramen noodles, you know? So I kind of feel like that could have been an opportunity for a pizza choice, you know? Because he had all those vermicellis. That's a good idea. Last night I ordered, my family ordered Thai food. And so I just order a side of plain noodles because they all stick together in the container once they get there. And they come out like a little noodle cake.
Yeah, and then you can just pour your own sauces and stuff on there. So maybe something like that, but I think it still wouldn't hold up like a crust. The rice was just falling all apart. And they also said the pho flavor wasn't strong. And it's weird because like pho, I feel like
When you drink, when you have pho, it does have like a certain kind of like warming flavor with like, you get a lot of like anise, like star anise and like, or maybe like, you get like this warming spices. But I can see pho flavors getting completely overpowered the moment you put it in like a pizza situation. So I just think this was doomed from the beginning. You're doomed.
So, let's see. So, Gail's like, it's a tartar with extra herbs. So, let's talk about Caesar's Pizza. And Spike's like, well, there's such a thing as a good burn. Thank you. I wasn't talking to you. I learned that from my dear friend, Joan Rivers. And then there's Bad Burn. Hey, Gail, walked a mile lately?
So Wiley's like, yeah, we learned the hard way making donuts that cocoa powder burns really easily. Hmm, didn't stop Gail from raiding your collection though. Am I right? So Eden's like, well, I actually like the whole mole sauce. But like when I picked up the pizza, I just felt like I was holding up the sauce.
It was really soft dough. It was like disgusting. Get me off this show. Get me back to the Canadian version already. I love the idea of mole sauce on pizza though. So it's a shame that this didn't work out. I love a mole. And Tom's like, there's my son there. That's a flop. That's a flop there. So Paula is getting nervous with her fugazetta.
Because it's too soft. She thinks it's too soft. And now there's too many fillings. And now the pizzas are cooked and she can't do anything about it. And here we go. So back at the table, Gail's like, I have a conversation piece. When you have a night off of pizza, what's your go-to, Wiley? Gail wants to know because she never takes a night off of pizza. Am I right, Gail? Yeah.
So Wiley's like, well, I always like a plain and a classic. Really? You could have fooled me given that he had the plain classic pizza of haircuts for a long time. So he's like, yeah, a classic New York slice is a good place to start. And Spike's like, yeah, I'm really simple. I like tomato sauce, fresh matz, because I don't say the full word, and a little bit of basil. Yeah.
Tom's like, I'd rather dry mozzarella. I'd rather raise that, honestly. Better learn something. At least mozzarella tries to see what his dad's doing at work. Yeah, it melts better. Dry mozzarella melts better. Yeah, Gale knows, since that's how she draws a bath. You don't even have to do it. You're, like, forcing yourself. Yeah.
I can't help myself. I'm stimulated in heaven. I just got a text from my friend, Tricia, that says Padma and Martha. Wait, it says Martha Stewart has a new cooking show called Yes Chef. Is that the one that Padma's in?
No, Pat was on CBS, but I did see a promo for the Yes Chef thing. And I'm like, I may have to watch this because it's Martha and Jose Andres. And you see them like deliberating. This is the clip. Martha looks at Jose Andres goes, Oh, I just hate sending people home. And he looks at her and laughs. He goes, Do you? And she laughs. He goes, No.
I'm in. I'm so in. I'm so in for this show. Okay, so Massimo starts off. He's like, I started my career as a pizzaiolo. Anybody? Anybody? Applause? Applause? Applause? Wow. And I started the story as bored. Pizzaiolo over here. Pizzaiolo hair.
So, yeah. So, then they – I'm sorry. I got lost there. So, he does a persillade. What is that? What is that? Persillade. I think – What is that? Persillade? Isn't that like with the – Saying it like Spanish? Parsley sauce. Oh, okay. I think it's like a parsley sauce or like chopped parsley. I don't know. I'll look it up. So, this is the one with potatoes, mussels, and clams.
And he's like, you could probably have this at Una Pizzeria Napolitana in the Lower East Side. And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not pat ourselves on the back there here. Okay? Back away. So Paola has made some pork with pineapple, caramelized onions, chimichurri, a mornay, whatever that is. Maybe it's a reference to Rebecca. Yeah, Rebecca. And then finally, finally some Gouda. Okay.
Gouda on pizza? I'm not sure if gouda is a pizza cheese. I mean, I like to think every cheese can work in a perfect world, but gouda? A gouda pizza? I don't know. I'm not usually for a fancy pizza. Like, I don't want you to fancy it up for me. You know? Just give me some cheese. Let's stop with this. Reinventing doesn't mean being fancy. Yeah. I know we have to innovate, but like gouda? I'm just not seeing it. Um...
And so hers is... Gail is, because that's what she uses for her contacts. Gail, please take out your Gouda so you can actually see the dish before you judge it. Gail just has two circles of Gouda in her eyes. I guess, I know we gave the disclaimer last week, but I feel like it's never a bad time to remind people, we love Gail, this is just what we think Patna thinks about Gail. Why don't we just make a little thing that we put at the beginning of Top Chef?
that we can just like throw on there like an ad that's like no gals were harmed in the making of this podcast viewer discretion advised yes if you or anyone you've loved has been harmed or traumatized by a girl here's a number you can call no celebrities were actually involved in gals life
Most celebrities were in the making of this lunch out with Gail because she's never had a celebrity lunch before. Okay, let's get back into this. I just want to give a warning to all. No, I just wanted to give a warning. The following program features many references to Gail Simmons. All of my dear friends Lena Waithe's, please be advised. Okay.
so let's see. So Paula talks about her pizza. Then Vinny comes and he did his brother's Reuben pizza. And he's like, and, um, a Reuben is not complete without a pickle. So I put a nomad pickle right there on the top, as you'll see, um, sauerkraut, thousand Island whipped ricotta, um, some nomad Greer. So enjoy that. Enjoy that. So, um, so they start to eat and, um, uh, first I started talking about Paula's Gouda pizza and Tom's like, you know,
The dough's too soft. I mean, if that's milk, you know, you use milk, it's going to be soft. Everyone knows. You use milk, it's going to be soft. Even my mixologist son would know that because he deals with liquids for a living. Who would do that? I know that milk makes you soft because it's all we fed my son for the first few years of his life. And look at him. Tossing drinks around for a living. Soft as they come. You know, they say the milkman always knocks twice. Guess what? What?
He has to do that because he does it too softly. Milk makes it soft. The milkman could have been a chef if he had just followed his father's footsteps. But no. Have fun driving around the truck all day.
being worried that the thing you're gonna sell is it goes spoiled before you have to get there congratulations you're stupid and chris was like yeah it tastes like milk bread and gail's like yeah it feels like brioche um what are you taking a nap gail gail's mattress is made out of unbelievable
Sorry. My dear friend Ali Wong said I should venture into mattress material. I'm not quite there yet. She said it's a new frontier for comedy. So while he liked the pineapple braised pork shoulder on Paula's dish, but wasn't into the chimichurri, that's where it started feeling a little murky for me. And it had too much on it.
So now let's move to Mossimo. They like the lightness of his crust, but Spike's like, okay, and he's got a bubble here. I see a bubble. Largest bubble we've seen so far. Look next to you. Largest bubble, you say? Stick the landing, Ghost Padma. Stick the landing.
So Gail's mad that the potatoes weren't crispier. And Spike's like, so what do we think about, do we think it's sacrilegious to put cheese on any seafood? Well, Gail puts it on his lingerie, so I don't see why we should be mad at pizza. Oh! Oh!
It's pretty controversial. I mean, as long as you can find enough cheese to cover that large bubble, if you know what I'm saying. So then they're talking about the Reuben and they like it. They're like, you know, Gail likes that. It seems like Vinny's having fun. And Tom's like, yeah, I mean, it tastes like a Reuben. If you like a Reuben, it tastes like a Reuben. Well, I don't know. Like I can imagine like that. I actually think a Reuben pizza sounds like a great idea. But like there's also a part of me that's like, well, if you're just making a Reuben pizza,
It's just a Reuben with just a different bread, right? Well, Reubens aren't made on white bread anyway, aren't they? Aren't they made on... I know, but like... I don't eat meat, so I don't know. Even when I eat meat, I've never had a Reuben. Reubens are delicious. I don't know. I kind of feel like you take a whole sandwich, you take the sandwich and then you just swap out the bread component with the pizza bottom and then...
I don't know. I think I just don't like Vinny because it's a good idea. And I really shouldn't be trying to scrape around for a bad, for criticism. It's a great idea. Oh, it uses rye bread. That's what a rye bread is. So did he make like a rye crust? I don't know if he made a rye crust, but I think he just, he basically put like pastrami or corned beef. I think it was pastrami and Thousand Island and sauerkraut and Swiss cheese and melted it on a pizza. Like,
Kind of sounds perfect. I don't know. So then Massimo is having a glass of wine with people. And he's like, every now and then, our careers bring us to beautiful places. Yesterday, today, we're in paradise. Look at my hair. You are all in paradise right now. It's a good hair day for me. So now the judges are judging. And Chris is like, chefs, we asked for a Top Chef pizza party. Tom, do you think they delivered? Like, what?
Like our friends at Domino's. They're not a sponsor of this episode. I know. I just love sponsor talk. Okay. Sponsor lingo just really gets me going. Oh, you said delivered. That was pretty funny. Listen, we did get some tasty pies. Maybe some not so tasty.
Well, no, it's Kristen. Listen, I know we didn't get not everyone delivered, but does that mean they're DiGiorno? All right. Well, our friends at DiGiorno will have... We're going to send each and every one of you home with a pizza crust. No, no, I just said that on spec. Okay, that's fine. Vinny, Tristan, and Shwai, can you stay here? So Vinny, Tristan, and Shwai are at the top, and they have the best pizzas.
And Shwai's talking about how he's not good at making dough, so scallion pancake was something that he felt would be a really great vehicle. And Tom really liked the toppings. And Gale's like, you know what? There was acidity in that salad. There was a spiciness in that lamb. It challenged our idea of what pizza could be, and I think that's what we asked of you. You were magnificent with the scallion pizza. All right, Gale, if you liked it so much, stop wearing it as a hat for crying out loud. Let the man have his moment. Yeah.
Well, you know, you used a scallion pancake as your vehicle. Wow, Gail was the first one to try that. Drove right to a tree. It was embarrassing. Wow, you should have seen the look she got when she tried to
Plug in a Chevron with Tecron nozzle into a scallion pancake. So Tristan's pizza, he says, you know, I took all the things that I wouldn't do on a pizza, you know, like ranch. And I had ranch today, everybody. Big step. Small step for ranch people. Huge step for Tom Kind. I had ranch. That was my day.
Thanks for asking, Tristan. You can go. Wiley liked the idea of like the kebab flavors and that worked well. It was clever. And Spike's like, I mean, you spoke to my Greek heart on this one. That ranch anchovy dipping sauce. I mean, yeah.
That took it to the top for me. If I could have put a tiny little hat on that pizza, I would have. And now Vinny's up and he's like, you know, my brother made this pizza for me. So this is me eating my words because I said, what a stupid idea. But people liked it. So I copied it and you liked it. So you're suckers.
But I didn't steal from Nomad today. So that's something I stole from. Yes, brother. Yes, brother. Yeah. Well, you know, it was a great idea. It was executed well. And I could close my eyes. And if I closed my eyes while I was eating that, it was like I was eating a Reuben. Wow. Gail said the same thing when she took a bite out of the wall yesterday. And Wiley liked it. He's like, oh, such a lightheartedness. God, that was the pie that made me smile.
So Spike gets to announce a winner, and the winner is the chef that really brought the flavors forward, the balance, and the textures. It's Tristan. Wow. I didn't think Tristan was going to win because they said it was more like a flatbread than a pizza during the judging, but maybe it just tasted really good. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't get a clear idea of who was going to win this one. Who do you think was going to win?
I thought Vinny was going to win. I felt like they were setting that up. But Kristen's like, Kristen, congratulations. Not the first immunity. How many wins is this now? Three. Okay. Well, that's definitely three more than Henry's ever gotten. That's for sure. Hey, Henry, remember when we used to give out immunities for quick fires? You won today, right? Oh, that's too bad. Oh, well. You're screwed. So Tristan's like, I beat the two Italian guys. So that was a win.
And now they can step to the side. And Henry, Paula, Cesar, the three of you had our least favorite pizzas and one of you will be sent straight to hell. Okay, so Henry, why are you standing here? And he's like, oh my God, I had my walls down this morning and then I just went back up, I guess. Where are my walls up? He fucked up his dough, basically.
Yeah. And so she's like, so what was the original plan? He's like, well, it was supposed to be just the flavors. And I guess the original plan was an actual pizza instead of a mound of rice with toppings. Yeah.
What do you mean, what was the original plan? The original plan was clearly pizza. Yeah. And he was like, you know, but then I decided to do the sushi pizza because they told us about sushi pizza. So I was like, well, I'll just copy that instead. And they're like, so you did a rice crust. And they're like, so did you try to crisp that? Or did you mean to serve a soggy rice, you fucking moron? Yeah.
How many times do I have to crawl back from beyond the grave to tell you how to ask a question? Also, I could have gone for a good old classic, Henry, how did today go for you? Because from the way it tasted, it must have been a shit fucking awful day. Hope your day cooking was better than our day eating, Henry, you fucking loser.
he's like well i've heard the cross oh sorry go me no i'll leave this one there you henry should probably talk we've been talking a long time today huh
So Tom's like, I couldn't pick it up. You know, I couldn't do anything with it. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? I picked it up. It fell apart. Picked it up again. Fell apart. What is this rice? I mean, it's crazy. What are you going to do? Just put some raw beef on top? I mean, what the hell was this? This is absolutely ridiculous. I took one look at that plate. I said, go to college. Do something with your life. Why are you wasting your life? We raised you better than this rice. Talk about not getting up. Wow.
That chorus was like Gale after two Molson's. It's like that old song. I get knocked up. I mean, I... Never mind. I get knocked down, so I stay down again. Ain't nothing gonna get me up. Right, Gale? Right, Gale? Hey, you know what's funny? The lights are flashing behind me for some reason. There's like a carnival in my room right now, Ronnie. Oh, let me see. Hold on. Come back over to your window. Look at my lights.
I think that's my light's way of saying, five minutes left of this recap, you idiots. It's the red light. The red light's blinking. I know that because I work in comedy now in the afterlife. Cesar's pizza is new. And he's like, well, this was a new challenge for me. I know you guys wanted something different. So I was like, maybe chocolate with pizza? So I tried it. And Spike's like, yeah, yeah.
Here's where you lost me on your first bite. Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah, I got a sense of bitterness. It just it wasn't pleasurable. OK, and then, you know, burning on the bottom. I just you did not do pizza any favors today. People thought I was nice now. Nope. Tiny had his back.
Tani had a rage. Yeah, they basically said they didn't get any crunch. The cocoa really fucked everything up. Paula, did your pizza turn out the way you wanted it to turn out? Because it was awful. And Paula's like, no, no, I think I put too many toppings on it. Timmy Churi had a lot more fatness than I wanted once the cheese was all melted. And I'll just say this, between the lasagna and the pizza, I don't think I'm ever cooking Italian food ever again.
You know, these milk doughs, you know, they're softer doughs. You know, it's going to flop, you know, because it's milk dough. Tom, let's stop giving away Gail's 23andMe results. It's on TV. 23andNeed, more like. K-N-E-A-G. It's wordplay. So, yeah, Spike is like...
He's like, yeah, there's too much, too many toppings, too wet, etc. Okay, we'll call you back in a little bit while we pretend to act like there's no one going home other. I mean, like there's actually a chance that someone other than Henry could be going off. All right. Thank you. So they do that. They talk and they repeat a lot of the same stuff. But guess what? Henry, please pack your shitty rice and go.
And Tom's like, oh, we'll see you at Last Chance Kitchen, Henry, which surely you will fail. So it'll be fun. We'll see you there at Last Chance Kitchen, or as I'm going to call this episode, Waste of My Time Kitchen. Obviously, you're going to lose to Katiana, who I assume is...
Gonna be standing there, facing you. But listen, you know, we know that you're upset and you've had a very insecure time with your walls up. So we're going to have the nicest woman to ever be on this show. And she only says the words, I love you, honey. And that is Cesar's mom. Cesar's mom, do you have anything to say to Henry? Rice pizza? That sucked. Get the fuck out of here. Henry's like, womp, womp, womp. Oh, well. So he's gone. He seems so nice. But yeah, he seemed like he just...
I think the competition was too much for Henry since the beginning. Poor guy. Yeah, poor Henry. I feel bad for him. Because, yeah, he is a nice guy. I'm sure he's really good, but it's just a lot. It's hard. I mean, he made it pretty far. There were, what, seven people in this one? He made it, like, halfway through. So that's pretty... Well, more than halfway, because don't they start out with, like, 90 chefs now? Yeah. Well, next week is Restaurant Wars, and I have to say, that's probably a good idea. They got rid of Henry before Restaurant Wars, because that...
I just didn't want to see Henry have to go through that. Yeah, I couldn't take the second hand stress. But are they bringing back the person next week from Last Chance Kitchen? Because they didn't mention that. I don't think so. Because Kachiana went last week. And then I think it's only been like this is only the third week of people going to Last Chance Kitchen. So I don't think so. But didn't you say this is the last week?
Oh, no. He said this is the last immunity. He didn't say it's the last. Okay. It's not the last, last chance. Kitchen. Okay. Okay. All right, everybody. Well, thank you so much for being here. This was super fun and long. What a long one. My God. But really padded that with some padding. Padded it out.
Padmington Bear. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. This was super fun. Get tickets for our Texas shows and Vegas shows next week in May over at Watch What Crappens. And thanks for being with us on video and Patreon, everybody. We sure love you. We'll talk to you next time. Bye.
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