#2820 Below Deck Down Under S03E13: Lipsticking It To Her
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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens! I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi. Whatcha doing?

I'm hanging out with you. What are you doing? Just getting ready to do a little below deck, down under, everybody. Welcome to the Captain's Lounge. We are doing two shows here in Texas next week, which is very exciting. Our Mounting Historia tour will be stopping in Austin at Emo's next Thursday. Friday we'll be in Dallas. And then the week after we'll be in Las Vegas for our first time. So get your tickets, ticket links, and all that good stuff over at WatchWhatCrapInstock.com.

That's also where you'll find links to our Patreon, which has these video recaps we're on right now. Hello, video people. And our bonus episodes. We did a next gen NYC preview last week, and this week we're doing a below deck regular flavor preview, which is going to be really fun. That should be coming out tomorrow or the next day. So check that out over at our Patreon page.

And also I just wanted to give a shout out to my friend Stephanie Wilder Taylor, who wrote a book called Drunkish about her sobriety journey. She's a really funny lady. I used to co-host Rose Pricks, a Bachelor podcast with her. And now she has a podcast, a new podcast called Drunkish based on her book where she talks to regular people and also celebrities, like whoever's kind of in her orbit on their sobriety journey. And of course makes it really fun.

funny. So if that's something you're going through or you're sober curious, as they say, go check out Drunkish. She's a talented lady and I'm proud of her for all of this good stuff. What's going on with you today, Banoons? Well, now I'm feeling pride for our sweet Stephanie. I'm just happy here to talk some Below Deck. Had a really fun time watching it last night.

And, you know, I just want to also flag, too, some people have been asking, we are going to recap Love Hotel. We're going to do that right after this, in fact. Oh, yeah. So keep an ear and eye out for that, because that's going to be a real fun one for us. But, you know, I'm just here. Below Deck Day, I really enjoy Below Deck Day these days. I don't know why. It's like a nice change-up for me. So I'm happy. I'm a happy clam. Happy as a clam, pun intended, because it's an aquatic show.

Well, there you go. Are clams happy? I don't know where that... I guess it's because they look like they're smiling, right? Because of their shell? If clams are happy, then why is it that if your palms get sweaty or whatever, you say that you're clammy? Clammy is not a happy adjective. Or when you don't want to talk, you clam up, right? Yeah. I think happy as a clam is a sarcastic phrase. Like, oh, I'm as happy as a clam, right?

asshole you know yeah because the only clams i ever see are dead they don't look happy they look very sad they're like on top of the sand clams do not they're not happy they're literally not happy or they're like like people use it as like a vagina thing which i'm not saying vaginas aren't happy it's just you know like i don't know i feel like we need to leave the clam alone at this point stop probably upset because they have such a

they have such a monosyllabic, sort of like, "Womp womp" name. Like, you know, something-- like, their-- their-- its friend gets to be called a full-on muscle. You got barnacle, you got muscle, you got scallop, and oh, who's this? Clam. Hey, Clam, welcome to the party. It was so good to see ya. Well, Freeway was backed up on the tent due to an accident. There was blood all over the room.

Hey, clam, how you feeling today? Well, I got another grain of sand in me today. So whoever winds up eating me better wash me real hard. Another fucking moron tried to find a pearl in my asshole today. So that was fun.

I had to tell him I'm not an oyster, you fucking idiot. I will say, clams do have a really cool cousin. Because, you know, like, clams are so brr-brr, but actually it's not like a cousin, it's like an older brother. Razor clams, that's pretty cool. If you're a razor clam, you're like, like, clam is always just like,

In the shadow of its cool brother, Razor. Because no other shellfish has Razor in its name. Unless you're like a fat Razor clam. And then you're like, oh. They're like, oh my god, a fat Razor? What an embarrassment to the family. Well, it could be worse. You could be a gooey duck, which are like-- No one makes nice sayings out of gooey duck. Those poor things. People are like, oh.

Like a geoduck, people dress up like a geoduck and win an Oscar for it, you know? Yeah. That's like Charlize Theron's Oscar-winning turn. So everyone, the point of all of this is that Lara is an asshole. Okay, welcome to Below Deck, Down Under. Here we go. Lipstick Wars. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Season three episode. No, it's not season three. It is? Season three, episode 13. Let's see what happens, shall we?

Let's see. So previously there's tension between Laura and Zarina. So then we're at the club and because they just had a whole talk like where Zarina sort of fixed things with Alicia, Alicia, and then, but then she and Laura, is it? Okay. It's

It's Alicia? I'm probably driving the listeners nuts because all season long, I just can't tell. So I just alternate during the recap and just that way I hedge my bets. Yeah, it's Alicia. Yeah, it's Alicia. Okay, good. Okay. We are officially coming to Alicia. Listen, it took me eight episodes to get it right to you, or nine. So I get it. And it's below deck. I feel like we should not be expected to get anything correct about these cast members until like episode 20 out of 24. Yeah.

There's a lot of changes on this show. When the mid-season trailer drops. So... Anyway, so Lara and Zarina had just had a fight and Zarina's like, "I've never had a stewardess ever tell me how to play it before in my life." So now Brie and Lara are in the bathroom complaining. Lara is venting and Zarina, meanwhile, is venting to Harry and they're both complaining about each other and Lara's like,

I said to Zarina, "If I'm being totally honest, sometimes you can come across to me as passive-aggressive and you can say things to me that make me feel stupid." And Zarina's saying, like, "Well, she just doesn't back down. Like, she has to have control over everything, and I'm just over it." I like that Harry goes, "Laura? We talking about Laura?" "Yes, Harry. Don't come console me if you're gonna pretend you don't know who the fuck we're talking about." "No, we're talking about Ruth Buzzy." So, Laura's...

We're complaining about Bea Arthur biting her wrist in every scene. Yes, Harry. Thank you for focusing. Well, Zarina's great. I'm glad Zarina said the thing last week because she said a phrase that has gotten under Lara's skin and she cannot shake it. And we hear it for the first time here. Lara goes...

I mean, she said to me, "I've never had a stewardess tell me the way I should plate things." Well, one, I'm not a stewardess. I'm a chief stewardess. Oh, okay, Doctor. Okay. Let's just pull out the pitchforks. Do you remember that season when, uh,

Kate called, I think it was Kate called. She's like, oh yeah, we're, we're all great. Cause you know, you're a yachty. I'm a yachty. He goes, how dare you call me a yachty, you bigot. And like, he got all mad. Cause he said yachty is a derogatory term. Listen, there's, there's so much going on in the world. This is not the time for you.

This is not the time for your parade, okay? No. She knows you're a chief stewardess, Laura, okay? And also, Miss fucking Gaslighter, you're the one that talks passive-aggressively to people and makes them feel stupid, okay? That's you. Stop turning your own faults against people. I'll be your projector. I'll be your projector.

Don't bring Beyonce into this. Don't sully her with Lara. - Blue Ivy's dancing behind me. ♪ This ain't yachting ♪

So, Zarina, like, Lara is just furious because Zarina got Lara where it hurts. And Lara's like, you know, Zarina and I have obviously had our differences in the past, but we never argued about plate presentation because who would ever take plate notes from Quasimodo in the kitchen, am I right? I mean, it's always my way or the highway. So I don't understand why Zarina's making this so personal.

And so Brie's like, "That's not a way to handle a confrontation." So then Alicia is talking to Nate, you know, they're flirting and she's got on her flirting bow, her big old like little house on the prairie bow. When did those bows come back? They're so weird. My niece wears one of those bows and I just want to pull it off. Is it a hair bow? Yes, the hair bow, like the big hair ribbons.

Oh, she has so much stuff dangling from her hair at all times. She always has two balls of hair and then just like streamers and confetti. It's like little ticker tape parades going by. Yeah. She's got a lot of distractions in her hair.

I do like her little mini buns that she puts on top of her hair. I like those that look kind of like you've been hit on the head multiple times. You just got like little bumps. I like those. They look cute. So Alicia is like, "Oh, you're such a young spirit." And Nate's like, "All right, I'll take young spirit." Doesn't he look like he's always trying to see something? He's like, "Yeah, spirit. I've got a young spirit."

Every week we have a new take on what he looks like or what he's doing. I'm still riding high on the Inspector Gadget thing. I'm still going to force that to happen. But yeah, he's like, okay, so he's Detective Quimby trying to see the fog to see if Inspector Gadget has arrived yet.

So, Alicia's like, "You know, you kind of walk around like this air, like you have no worries in the world." He's like, "That's how I feel." It's like, "Yeah, I mean, you're happy to be alive." "Yeah, I mean, are you happy to be alive?" He's like, "Fuck yeah. We're gonna sweat tonight." Well, have you seen this season? I think you guys are gonna sweat every minute of the day, not just tonight. I hate to break it to you. - Yeah, no kidding. You're gonna sweat all day, every day. And I like that she's shocked that, like,

an attractive, blonde, tall, young white guy has no worries. She's like, "It's amazing. Why are you so happy to be alive?" He's like, "I won the genetic lottery pretty much, so no complaints here." So then Alicia is like, "Oh yeah, he reminds me a lot of the previous guys I've dated. He's just like so playful and soft and I'm into that." So yeah, it wouldn't have worked out with

Johnny. Johnny. I thought Johnny was pretty playful the way he punched that wall and then punched the door and then slammed the door and then punched the door and then slammed the wall. That was playful. Poor Johnny. I feel bad for Johnny watching this because she's texting him every day like, I miss you so much. And it's over. That's done. Not that she really owes Johnny anything. I mean, they're young people on a boat, you know, but still, I do feel for Johnny. And even more, I feel for the cabinets in Johnny's house because I'm going through a rough time today.

So, um, Alicia's like, "By the way, did people tell you that I may have kissed the other deckhand?" He's like, "So? What's that got to do with anything?" And she's like, "Nothing. I just thought I'd tell you. I feel like, I feel like you're just trouble, aren't you?" And he's like, "What? Do you see boys on the boat?" I'm not just a deckhand, I'm the bosun, so it's different. It's different. Did somebody turn the lights off in here? You have to open your eyes. It's like, "Oh."

He's like, plays the piano brilliantly out of nowhere. I'm not just a deckhand, I'm the bosun, which means that if we hook up, it's just a little bit more problematic because there's a power dynamo to play. So, let's have at it. So, they get on the vans. Each van has a pizza, which... What a way...

Love it. That's how we need to start taking vans. What the hell? We need to start getting into Ubers with full pizzas. When we're touring, we do not do this. And this is like the first piece of travel that I've ever seen on this show where I'm like, this is what I want. A lot of people watch Below Deck as aspiration. Like, I want to take a private yacht one day. I don't. I have no desire to get on a private yacht and sleep in a tiny bed and poop in some weird airlocked bathroom. I don't have any desire for that.

But this, this is the kind of travel I aspire to getting in a van with a pizza. Fuck yes. Show. Yeah. I like that. Every van should have a pizza. Okay.

um so harry said harry's like well i think there's a lot of attention in this van right now it's about you and zarina that's the issue so um lara's saying well i'm sorry but i've done if i've if i've done the table to be that elegant for dinner service i don't want blue plates like it doesn't go with the theme and i don't think i should have to explain that i know she wants her food looking amazing and i get

How dare you call me a stewardess! Have I earned nothing in this life?

And Alicia's like, "Yeah, it's not about the plates, I don't think." And then we cut to Harry and he's like, "It's just plates. Why are we having this big argument about plates? I don't get it." So now they're talking, Adair is asking Marina, "How's the smooch?" 'Cause Marina got to kiss her hot nerd guy and she's in love, you know? She's like, "I'm trying not to get my hopes up, especially after Vihan, but

You know, I'm a nerd. You know, we can maybe watch Hobbit together or play Mario and then, you know, cuddle on the couch. I was like, that's half my kind of girl. Like, play Mario. I don't know about The Hobbit. I'm kind of a nerd, too, you know? But I, at least in my cultural offerings, my cultural, like, I read a lot of sci-fi and watch a lot of sci-fi. But I don't know about The Hobbit.

The Hobbit's a wuss. There, I said it. I'm so sick of fucking Bilbo Baggins and his bullshit, okay? I don't need another story of Bilbo just walking places. And they're like, oh my God, they're so little. Oh, they're so cute. He's not cute just because he's little. He has gross feet and I'm sick of watching him walk places.

Yeah, I did not get down with The Hobbit. I loved Lord of the Rings, okay? Although, even me loving Lord of the Rings, I was really over Frodo. Oh my God, watching him wander around with those big eyes, being confused and always like trembling and always being like, I want to touch my ring, I want to touch my ring. Like, how about you put it in a box and put a lock on it and then you'll be fine. But, um...

I don't know. I tried watching that new one. I don't know what it is about Lord of the Rings. I can't get into it. I tried watching the new show. Well, it's not new anymore, but the newer show on Amazon, the Elden Ring show, whatever that's... Not Elden Ring. Whatever that's called, the Lord of the Ring shows. And I turned it on, and it's all these bleach blonde people fighting with fairies or something. And I was like, is this...

- SLC, like I already have one of those in my life. I'm not, it's a Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I'm not watching this, okay? - Yeah. So then Nick texts Marina goodnight and she's like, "Oh, I was wondering if he was going to text and he did. He texted a goodnight, winky face." And Adair's like, "That's perfect. If you want to date a pussy, ha."

"Well, you didn't get a poem yet! I guess it's not a full-on wuss!" So now it's 8:00 AM, which means it's a peaceful morning because it's an even number. And it's four hours before charter. And it says Jason's doing yoga, but isn't this the part where he just bends over weirdly on the bridge? I think so.

He just like bent over. Yeah. That's literally all it was. He just bent over. And then there are like, Lara has like a little meeting with her group and everything. And Nate has a little meeting with his group. It's like the department meetings.

And then Zarina pulls Alicia and is like, I want to have a chat with you. So they're all going to gather into their groups. So first we have Harry and Nate talking. And Harry's like, so did you have a good night? Anything you want to tell me that I can relate to the girls? And Nate's like, yeah. Save your boy, Nick. Cracking on off to the right side, my right. Yeah.

I'm no prey to my team, everyone's great on deck, you know, I'm just great on the dance floor, who can ask for more? How many fingers am I holding up? Why does everyone keep testing my vision?

What is it? I don't get it. Zerida's like, alright, so I've had a conversation with Lara, and she's told me that you've gone to her crying a few times, saying, I'm not approachable, and you can't speak to me, and then when you're upset, you're allowed to cry. Listen, when you're upset, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to have your feelings, you're allowed to go wherever you want, etc., but what I won't stand for is another head of department saying,

giving lipstick to someone in my department. That's just a line I will not cross. And she's like, "Well, I never cried. They were the ones who approached me," which is true, and I'm glad she told her. And she's like, "Okay, well, I'm sorry you're in the middle of it, but she's just, you know, God. I mean, I just want to make sure you're happy, and I just want to be approachable. You know what I mean? Are you sticking your finger in your butt crack right now? It's itchy. It's itchy. Smells like burrito, which is kind of odd."

Am I still being unapproachable? Yes, actually. In a totally different way. I just want to be totally approachable, which is why for the next 12 hours, any question you ask me, I won't answer you. I'll just stack sheet pens and make enough noise until you walk away. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

It's springtime. I've got a travel itch, which works out well since we are actually traveling for tour and being on tour for our show. That means I've got to come up with a lot of good looks for myself because I want to try to look as cool as possible on stage. And thankfully, I have been able to find all sorts of first class quality stuff at the

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Now, Lara is splitting up some duties. You know, she's helping clean and stuff. And then Jason radios everybody for the preference sheet meeting. Here we go. Charter seven. And this is Rebecca and Eric. They're a husband and wife. They run an alternative clothing company, which basically means people who want to look like extras in the Flintstones when they're at the bowling alley. I know. Ooh.

I don't understand the concept of alternative clothing. Is this like...

Is this different things for clothing? Is it like wearing like a door as like a shirt or something like that? Like, I don't know. It's like they're dressed. Yeah, it's like 50s, you know, alt clothing, if you will. It's like we have a boutique in Los Feliz. Yes, it's very like thrift store, but we paid $100 for this top. You know, it's like B-52s kind of, you know, Rosie the Riveter.

It's like, what's it called? Rockabilly. It's like rockabilly burlesque adjacent. So in other words, like kind of annoying clothing. So yeah. - Yeah, like I support it 'cause it's like colorful and fun.

I feel like I'm never invited to those parties. Well, you know what? Actually, I was invited to those parties when I did improv. So, okay, here's what I'll say about these people. They're all very nice. I've never met a person with this style who's an asshole. Never. Yeah. They're always very nice, very opening, very sharing. Most of them will try to fuck you in a part. Like, they're all kind of swingers. They're like swingers that you wouldn't guess would be swingers. These are the people when you... Fuck yeah.

when you are, like, 13 and you turn on real sex on HBO thinking you're going to see something really hot and sexy and you're going to see these people touching each other naked at a sound bath. That's what this is. That is the best way to put it. Thank you. And, like, the truth is, actually, I don't really have any issue with their clothing. I think it's just that, like, I'm...

The mutton chops on one of these guests are so overpowering. It's like burnt garlic in a dish. It's going to turn everything. So I just can't appreciate this clothing as long as those mutton chops are there. If this was their way of selling the stuff, those mutton chops have got to go. We need to do better. I feel like it's a lot of untrimmed pubic hair. I feel like there's not a lot of man grooming going on.

That's how I feel. Sorry. So that's who's coming on the boat. So they're trying to figure out what this really means. But they want a circus thing. So they want a circus menu and a seafood extravaganza. Extravaganza. Extravaganza. And Laura loves this because she loved going to the circus when she was little because there were so many people to give lipstick to and turn them to her side. So that was nice. She had a whole clown car of an army. Yeah.

Clowns require so much lipstick. So yeah, now we hear some of...

Well, Lara's trauma story that somehow is related to the circus, and she talks about how, "I used to love going to the circus when I was little. My mum would take me all the time. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mum, it was like really hard for her. So, you know, she's divorced with two kids and had to work three jobs and keep us maintained and happy. So yeah, going to the circus was like a dream for me. I can't wait for this one." Was your mom a fucking tightrope walker?

I don't, I just don't like who goes- Was your mom the bearded lady? What does that story have to do with the circus? Were you raised in 1907?

Who has so much circus presence in their life? I love going to the circus because my parents are divorced and it really hurt. Like, what the fuck is that? Can we just, do you think we're not, do you think the elephants aren't suffering enough pain how they're treated in circuses without you bringing your parents' divorce into it? Just let the animals live in pain on their own. We don't need your added trauma here, ma'am. This is a circus. Ugh, I can't stand the circus.

I never really got the circus either. I always felt bad for the animals and always smelled like poop and the clowns were weird. I did like the tightrope people and the, you know, swinging the trapeze people. I like that stuff, but I don't know. Yeah, like the Cirque du Soleil stuff is cool. Well, that's different. Yeah.

Technically, that's a circus. But honestly, what I- Yeah, because Cirque du Soleil are like children. Okay, so Cirque du Soleil is where they take the Eastern European children and they're like, you will learn to hang from rope. And they make them do it. And I think that that grows strong children, which grows strong adults. So that's what I like to see. But I don't like to see you kidnapping elephants and shit, you know? Well, unless they can fly.

Well, that wasn't a happy story. I made the mistake of watching that dummy Dumbo. I made the mistake of watching the live action Dumbo. That was depressing as fuck. How was that for kids? I forgot that they did a live action Dumbo. Tim Burton. Listen, so here's the thing with circus theme. I think circus theme is... The only thing worse than a circus is a circus theme. And like circus theme is so...

Ugh, it's always, it's tacky colors. It's just, it's just annoying. It's gross. I, I just, I, it's always like red and purple or something or like orange and purple. It's always just this. And I say this realizing that my, my lighting scheme behind me is purple. - Your whole background is purple. - I have a circus, I have a circus theme. I'm going to the circus. I just, I just don't like circus theme. I think it's also, it's just, it's too much. It's too aggressive.

How about like a, here's the theme that they should go for. How about a goop themed dinner on a yacht? Just goop. - Goop? - Beige and beige. Beige, beige and beige with a little bit more beige and then like a nice bowl of grains. - How about a TV room? That's where I like to eat. - Just the bed. - With daddling. - Okay, so warning.

The winds are coming from the south, guys. We might have to relocate, but we'll put up with it. Surely nothing can go wrong. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun. By the way, Lara, I'd like you to put Marina on service. And she's like, but she's already on breakfast service and she's involved in lunch service. That's all I'll allow a brunette to do on this boat. Listen, I'm not going to move this boat until you put her on service. Do you understand? She's like, all right.

"I just want her to grow because I've decided that I want her to grow. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She's like, "Fine, fine." So, uh- She's visibly pissed. I don't understand why she's so upset about Marina doing service. It just does not make sense to me. I've never seen somebody this pissed. I actually do understand. I actually do understand.

It's because Brie is doing a good job on service and Marina's doing a good job in laundry. And she's like, "It's working. I don't want to have to fix it. I don't understand why I'm being given this, what feels like an arbitrary edict." So I do understand. And I actually don't really understand why Jason is that invested in this. But that being said,

He's telling you to do it, so just do it. And Marina's good. God forbid you have to train somebody, miss, like, call me only chief stewardess. Like, train. Do your job. Like, make it worth it, okay? Earn your title, ma'am.

And Zarina gets her little lick in too. Zarina's like, yeah, Marina would be great with the circus stuff, I think as well. And Laura's just like, dagger eyes. She's like, oh God, I can't wait to use a CVS online to bring this bitch down.

So Nick is talking to Harry and he's like, for lunch, we eat Vegemite sandwiches and for breakfast, we eat Vegemite on toast. Why is Vegemite a particularly Australian thing? And Harry's like, because it was made there. What do you think it was? And he's like, well, what about Marmite? And he's like, fuck that shit. It's like, oh my God, I don't think I've ever seen Harry...

except for that time where he's like, I will walk off this boat if you say Marmite one more time. I swear if you bring Marmite onto this vessel, I will walk right off. There's nothing keeping me here right now.

So then Alicia's talking to herself and she's saying, brain, brain, brain, what is going on inside the brain? And then Zarina's lying in the cabin and Lara's like, should we have a chat? We've obviously been, we've known each other for a very long time. And, you know, for so many years I've said, you know, I once worked with this crazy old

hunched back in the kitchen and they said, "Was it the person from Frankenstein?" I said, "Might as well have been. She did cook stuff that tasted like brains." And I always enjoyed having you as that role in my life, and I would hate it if we were on bad terms because I want to be able to shit on you some more to people you don't know. So, can we put this in the past? Yeah, and Serena's like, "Um, so Alicia's telling me that you're, like, getting involved a lot." And she's like, "I need some respect, you know?" Like,

if anybody comes to me bitching about you, I tell them to have some respect and talk to you. So it would be nice if you stuck to your department." And she was like, "Oh, well, I kind of disagree with that, you know? I mean, listen, you're a bag lady, and what you do is hold bags outside the store. And I'd really love if we could go back to the days where I come into the galley, throw a tuppence at your head, and just take the dishes. Can we just go back to that?"

But you can see that, first of all, I just want to say I don't have a hunchback. Second of all, you can see that it's upsetting me that you're still really supportive of this other person. Okay, I'm going to push back a little bit. You don't have a hunchback, but you are brunette, which is basically hunchback in blonde terms. It's follicly hunchbacked.

You're follicly hunchbacked. That brown hair cascades down where hunchback would be, and I don't want to look there, that brown hair, so I just assume there's a hunchback there too.

And Serena's like, okay, but you're not supporting me. You only care if the other person's upset. And she goes, but if someone comes to me, I'm just listening. That's literally all I'm doing. But it's not what you're doing. Because even when she came to you in the bathroom with the club and said, we talked it over, and she said it's just part of the industry, you were like, no, she doesn't have a right to treat you like that shit. Just because she's a chef, she doesn't have the right to treat you like shit. So no, you're not just listening. You're stirring shit, ma'am. You're stirring shit.

Serena's like, "Listen, I think if we continue like this, we're just going to be going around in circles. I was sort of like you when you walk because of that tiny left leg of yours. What? I don't... My legs are perfectly even. Are they though? Are they? You do do a lot of circles in that galley." Listen, you used to be content being a peg leg, just spinning yourselves in circles like a protractor. Why are you getting all this attitude all of a sudden? I just don't... I just don't understand it.

I mean, I used to put a parrot on your shoulder and, you know, we'd ask it to repeat things and you were fine with that. But in seriousness, I'm glad that Serena just stayed calm because she can see what Lara's doing, you know, and she just stayed calm and was like, listen, I'm just asking you to leave my department alone.

And so Laura leaves pissed off and she's like, "Very, very frustrating." So now lunch is being made and stuff. And Laura's talking to Marina and she's like, "Okay, well, I guess I'm going to be switching you around, Brie and Marina. So Brie, you'll do breakfast, help out with lunch, and Marina, you'll be main service."

Is that something that you'd like? Yes, it would be. And Lara's like, you know, Marina's great in housekeeping, although she is a brunette, so it's a little gross. But Brie is great in service. She's working so well, and I'm a firm believer if it isn't broke...

And furthermore, if it isn't blonde, put it in the cave. And so, like, Jason wants to challenge all that in the name of growth. And thanks, Jason. Now we can have a brown-haired person facing the guests. I'm sure they'll really love that. You know what I always say. If it ain't blonde, don't dye it. But that's what we're going to have to do. So, Marina, you're on dinner service tonight. Get downstairs so I can bleach your hair immediately, please.

Are you comfortable wearing wigs? I have this Marilyn Monroe one. It's the best I can do.

Okay, so Nate tells Jason that he's made Harry the lead deckhand, and Jason loves that idea. He's like, oh, he's suitable to advance. He's great in a kimono. I've already used him in a couple of online ads. Do you feel that your teams are supporting him? And he's like, I think so. You know, they seem to take leadership from what I heard is a sexual harasser. So they're great with Harry. They'll do great with Harry.

Harry has worked really hard to become a lead deckhand, but the work is not over. There's a little fish tank up here that's

cased in green algae, so he'll have to come and scrub that. Then the work will probably be over. But he's got to worry about a whole team now. A team of fish that are trapped in a really disgusting tank. I'm excited to see where this is going to go. Which is going to be the fish graveyard. We all know. So, down in the galley, the ladies are preparing a vegetarian stroganoff with beef on the side, because boys need meat all the time.

And now Laura's calling Provisioner for circus items. And, you know, I feel so bad for the Provisioner because she's like, I would like some hula hoops, possibly, you know, things that go in a circus, maybe something that's reminiscent of elephants. My parents are divorced. It really hurt. Possibly the phone number to my mother. She's probably still crying. I really can't do this. Could you just send over some circus things? Thank you.

Oh, and also some pink lipstick. One of our girls lost hers. She's blonde, so she needs it desperately. Yeah, so I don't know if we skipped that part or if it hasn't come up yet, but a big thing is that... Waterburns, Alicia, loses her lipstick and she's like, "Oh, my God, I can't believe I've lost my lipstick. Where did it go? It's half my personality." Yeah, so Lara's gonna do her a solid and get her some new lipstick.

So then Neat tells the gang, he's like, he said, all right, everyone, I decided to make Harry lay deckhand. And Adair's like, oh, still a pussy though. And Nick's like, that's very cool. Very excited for that. You're sure choosing a lot of people to lead without a pickup truck.

Last time I checked, he was too pussy to get into the ocean with an infected thumb. So Harry is like, well, I'm excited. I can finally prove to myself, to Jason, that I've got what it takes, that I can do the job. And if anyone challenges me, I'm not afraid to walk off this boat right now. Yeah.

So, Lara is, who's she bossing around? She's like, you know, in the morning. So, she's actually bossing around Alicia, which is. Yeah, it is her, right? It just didn't seem right that she'd be bossing around Alicia when I looked at the notes, but I guess that is what happened. It

It is what happened, because at the end of the preference sheet meeting, Jason said something like, "Also, can you clean up this galley?" Not galley, the crew mess. Which I always thought was the deckhand's job. Isn't that the deckies that clean the crew mess? So Lara goes up to Alicia and is like, "In the morning, if you could just do a vacuum wipe of the crew area, and then obviously put lunch out, keep up lunch, everyone will clear their plates and stuff, and clean down."

I was like, "I feel like you're not supposed to give orders to Alicia." Like, for cleaning stuff, that should be... I don't know. I think that Alicia's job is in the kitchen. Yeah, and Serena tries to kind of step... She's like, "Well, are you going to be okay with your timings?" And she goes, "Oh, I can make time for it." So she's like, "Ugh." You know, Serena's like, "God damn it." So then... Laura's like, "Oh, by the way, here, I got you something special. It's a raw herring that you can feed that ogre in the corner of your galley."

I know she's getting hungry at this time of the day. Here's a cracker for you to feed the parrot in case she ever puts that back on the shoulder. It really is a good gig.

Really good. So then, uh, the guests are coming in 10 minutes and here they come. It's Eric and Rebecca, their primary charter guests are from LA shocker. They own an alternative clothing company, bigger shocker, and they have over 50 tattoos between the two of them. There are no surprises here, but there is a lot of color, lots of color coming down. Lots of color. Also, these are just like Barney rubble, cosplay coming down the deck.

a lot of bright orange colors that are, it's like a lot of like cheese doodle colors are coming to the yacht. Also, these people can't be that interesting because normally the third factoid they give is something really bizarre. It's like hired someone specifically, hired like two assistants for the dog. But this case, to say you have only 50, to say you have 50 tattoos between two people from L.A.,

I just don't think that that, they could do better. They could find a funnier thing. Like, do these people just not have anything else going on beyond their tattoos? 'Cause having a lot of tattoos these days is really normal, I think. - Yeah, I was expecting the last factoid to be Eric and Rebecca both sleep with Rebecca's sister or something, you know? So Nate's like, "These guests look awesome. "First impressions, they remind me of my mates back home. "You know, very long armpit hair."

Now maybe there's some merit based on your theory that he looks like he can't see. It's like, are you sure these remind you of your mates? Do they really look like this? So he's like, yeah, they're like a bunch of larrikins. They're like, what's a larrikin? Oh, put it up. Put it up on the screen. Larrikin. Noun. Australian English. A good-natured, mischievous person. Larrikin. Hmm.

So they do the tour and Harry passes one of them and he's like, "I've never seen facial hair like that. I mean, what is this? It's a mutton chop. Why do they call it that?" And then he's wearing it in the confessional. He's wearing like little mutton chops. To be fair, I don't think Harry has ever seen facial hair. I think he's still waiting for his whiskers to grow out. He's still waiting for his balls to drop.

He still has a puberty stash. Yeah. So Adair is radioing the luggage is inside and Brie tells Rebecca that she loves her outfit and Rebecca's like, "Oh, thank you. You know, I was like to keep it, you know, demure." We're still doing that, right? This is still right when that TikTok happened.

Oh, how embarrassing that she uses like slang that was current for like the, like a slang that had like a two week window and just caught on camera and they're showing it like 10 months later. It's like lame. Oh, yeah. I actually felt really bad for that drag queen who came up with that because they didn't copyright it and then it was stolen and she could have made all this money and she didn't. And she was

She took it to the court and by the time it got there, the judge said, "This is a worthless phrase. It's over. Please leave my courtroom." - Sorry. - Yeah. I think she got it back, but by then it was over. So sad. So, I'm really gonna have a moment with that for a moment. Wow, it's like this arena of slang, right? Has two weeks of relevancy and then just sad and...

So, Nate is like, "Hey, you know it. You're gonna be up on the boat, so you're gonna do anchors." So, then Marina is-- Marina's doing service. She's killing it. She's doing a great job and she tells Zarina that they-- they didn't eat really any of the fruit, but they did enjoy the passion fruit. And Zarina's like, "Oh, this is good. I love this communication. This is really good. Good communication." Knowing what kind of fruits that people like, you're doing it. I knew you could do it. I knew you could do it.

So I fought for you. So Harry, meanwhile, is now, as he's the lead deckhand, he's going to teach Nick how to drop an anchor. So there's a whole prolonged scene where Nick is like, is this what I do? A little bit more. Is this what I do? A little bit more. Is this what I do? A little bit more. Okay, stop it. Okay, a little bit more. But he's like, it just goes on for a long time. But he's so involved with Nick that he's not telling Captain Jason what's going on and they're getting stressed with each other.

Yeah, and Nick's like, "Well, I've never been shy to take on a new challenge, but every anchor on every boat is different." Pretty nervous about this one. Hopefully I can get it. Yes, all the anchors are different, but somehow they all look like Zarina. Am I right, everyone? High five. High five. Here's what you need to know about an anchor. Like Zarina, it always eventually sinks to the lowest it can go.

But I'll tell you one thing. If that anchor were blonde, I'd put it on service any day of the week. So now the anchor drama begins. Dun, dun, dun, dun. So here we go. He's doing the anchor. It's dropping. It's dropping. It gets stuck. It gets stuck. And Jason's like, hello, guys. Let it get out. Let it out. Let it out. Why is nobody talking to me on the radio? Nobody's talking to me on the radio. Hello. Hello. Is anybody there? Is anybody talking to me on the radio? We're going to sink. We're going to sink. The anchor. It's plummeting. The anchor. We're on the edge.

I'm gonna walk right off this boat. Marmite. He wants Marmite. All right, Anchor's done. Well done, everybody. And by the way, there's no talk on the radios. Now, whoever's up forward should be telling me where the anchor is, how much is out. There's no calls whatsoever. I was just bent over touching my toes. Don't understand how this went wrong.

Uh, Harry's like, fuck, I've just become lead deckhand and I've bungled it up. However, Jason's still got a bit of faith in me and I'm definitely going to redeem myself from this.

So yeah, basically the long and the short of it is that Nick didn't tighten it all the way so that the anchor kind of like fell faster than it should have and then they stopped it and then it landed. - Will the boat sink? Will the crew win? Will Harry get fired as deckhand? We'll find out after this very special Fish Report. ♪ Fish Report ♪ ♪ Commercials ♪ ♪ Here comes one right now ♪

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All right, so we start off with my favorite of the evening. I mean, this is...

Just great work. Octopus. Fantastic work done here. And I'd just like to show you, look at this dance that this octopus does. This dance is like, it's beautiful. It's like, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Gorgeous. Can't touch this. By the way, people, if you're watching with crap that is on demand, you can watch this octopus dancing. This is not my octopus teacher. This is my octopus dancer. And I love his waddle.

This octopus was like, I don't give a fuck if my next skin looks old. I'm 50 and I'm loving my fucking life. Just want to point out, this was the very first image of the show. It opened with this octopus. He's like, you want to see me twerk? Look, now he's twerking. Beautiful. Strong contender to be number one of the week. Strong contender. I'm telling you right now. Look at this twerking.

Yes, yes, octopus. This one's my favorite, and I love that the octopus is playing straight to the camera. And he's like, I'm not going to look stupid just because I'm twerking. I'm going to do this right by a brain-looking reef thing. He's like exfoliating his butt. Octopus is doing great. Great marks for the octopus. Okay, up next we have this little guy. Classic.

This one's really been the start of the season. The moray eel has been missing for the past two weeks, makes a strong return with a really striking profile view. This moray eel, she comes out, she's wearing her finest speckles. She has spent two weeks in bed, did not want to see the world. She was recuperating. She perhaps went to a facility for exhaustion, but she is back. She's making her return return.

appearance on the show and she's saying, "Hey everyone, I am here and I am ready to stake my claim." And she is going to put a strong challenge up to that octopus. She actually got out of surgery because she got her ears pinned back. If you can see right here, now she just has a little hole where her ear was. So she's looking great. We're glad to have her back on our screens.

A little smile. Now we come to the show off, the upside down jellyfish. Jellyfish. Talk about somebody who's not trimming their pubic hair. Okay, here we go. Like, wow. It's like walking in on your mom in the shower when you were a little kid.

You have to know your angles when you're on TV. And so while the jellyfish is technically beautiful and graceful, I just feel like it's just not aware of really its relationship with the camera. So I'm going to have to say this one is not in contention to be a top five for the week. Really? You're ass shaming this? I feel like this, it's just tired of being filmed. It's tired of these cameras being in its room all the time. And it's like, kiss my ass, male. Kiss my ass. And just like turns upside down and faces ass to the camera. And that's it. Next, we go to...

Another contender. And I would like to say something. This is very important to me. Two weeks ago on the Fish Report, I called this a zebrafish. This is a lionfish. A zebrafish is a totally different fish. I would think these would be zebrafish here on the side. You would think. Yeah, you would think. Oh, maybe the ones in the background are the zebrafish, but the foreground is a lionfish. Lionfish really... I mean, lionfish is...

It's hard to deny the lionfish. I mean, this is, look at this. It's like, this is architectural. This is polka dot stripes. I mean, it's very difficult to pull off both polka dots and stripes. That is a fashion no-no, but it, as you can see, its body is striped and its fins are polka dotted. I mean, this is amazing.

If you have the confidence, you can pull off any look. The Met Gala is next week. And let me tell you something. This lionfish will be there on the red carpet. And listen, we do not have audio because this is under the ocean. But we got some shipped in. I'd like to play it right now. We don't need another hero. We don't need another way home.

Can we give also a shout out to the lionfish's friend who, we've got several lionfish, okay? We've got, look at this lady down here. No, I think this is like Ken from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills carrying the lionfish's purse. Like, I'm just happy to be here behind you. Well, that lionfish down there almost has like this puffy chin area. It's almost like wearing a cravat, like a lionfish cravat down there or an ascot. I'm just so impressed with this group.

Great work. Now, here we go to the basics. These are the Lara of fish. They only want to hang out with other blonde fish. They're mean to all of the other fish in the sea. They stay to their own little school. I think these are shitty fish and their followers. I don't like them.

I mean, I think as schools of fish go, they're all right. I sort of enjoy that they have a tennis ball color. What I'm seeing though is that they're a disorganized school. Look at the ones in the middle. Most of them are heading away from us, but then there's some in the middle that are going left and right. It's like, are you not going to participate in your school? We need you guys to all be on point. This is choreo. Let's be together. Let's make this look good. We want clean lines here. Yeah, they're not clean lines. Do you see the one in the middle? These are sloppy lines.

This is sloppy school. Look at this. - This is a bad, so I'm really gonna give, I'm gonna say like, I love the tennis ball color, but I have to downgrade this one for sloppy alignment. - Also, extra points taken off for this fish right here. Do you see it? Turning his face away from the school to look into the camera. You are a part of a school. You're supposed to pretend the camera isn't here. You just ruined this entire shot.

look, we love a rebel and an independent thinker, but if you're going to be in a school, be in the school, be in the school, be in the moment. You're like literally fired. I hope you get eaten later by a seal. You deserve it.

Okay, let's go next. Oh look, swimming the wrong way. Completely, look at him. Just swimming the wrong way. - Just trying to escape. Okay, I know you're having an existential crisis and you don't want to be in your school anymore, but you have to participate. It's too late. You can't do this to the group. What a loser. - Okay, then we get some little striped fish down here. This is just, you know. - They're fine. - Generic. - Yeah, they're okay. - They're like screensaver type.

Yeah, they're fine. They kind of speak of the epaulettes that we see in the other frame, because we're seeing different panels. So we see epaulettes in the upper right-hand corner, and these are kind of like epaulette fish. I think this was an intentional choice by the editors. So I appreciate the choice, but I think as fish, not that special. Yeah. Okay, let's go on. We've got a lonely stingray over here who's ready to sting somebody. Look at that stinger. It's just out and ready.

I really like this. As stingrays go, I like this one. Really showing off a nice pattern. I don't know why we're getting-- I feel bad for it that it gets paired with a close-up of an onion, but... - Yeah, red onion, the strongest onion. - Yeah, the strongest onion. Yeah, the most stingingest onion that there is. - We've seen several-- - Okay. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm not gonna dwell on the ray. The ray always does solid work.

Well, we'll get more rays later. Now, this one, we both get a shot of What's-His-Face's wiener in his underwear, which is right here. So that's nice. And then we get a shot of this fucking Nemo. You know, the-- "Where am I? Where did I come lost? Where's my parents? Somebody help me. I'm-- wah, wah, wah." -Clownfish. -Clownfish. We don't have time for it. Like, I appreciate-- I do enjoy it, like, nestling up against the anemone-- anemone-- anemone-- anemone. But, like, honestly,

you're still coasting off of uh off of finding nemo and i just have no respect for that i don't either like change your outfit you know get a different haircut like try and break the mold a little bit yeah okay so let's move on well let me see the wiener again they really are getting in he's got a pokey wiener his wiener is very pokey but we're not here i'm still looking at the clownfish that clownfish is really really getting up in that anemone

Yeah, it really is. Okay, now we come to the saddest news, which is fish murder. As we can see, these lobsters were killed in a terrible freeway pileup and just laid out.

It's like when you see the body bags on the side of the road or something. It's terrible. RIP. Honorary mention to the lobsters who gave their lives for the seafood extravaganza. They obviously cannot be part of our top five, but we want to just say like an honorary shout out to them. Much like two weeks ago, the red snapper. Shout out to them in death because they're doing a nice posing, you know. Even in death, they're staring at the camera though. They're like, we can see you.

- Okay, so. - We'll give the shrimp some love. - Yeah, still dead. - Thank you for including that, Ronnie. That was thoughtful. Moray eel comes back, but this is a different one. This one is not speckled. I think this is archival footage of pre-surgery moray eel. - Yeah. - This one's a little... - This is like the moray eel. This is the before section of a contouring video.

This Moray eel doesn't have as much personality as I would like. That's why it's hiding in the shadows. Look, he's like, "I'll just be down here in the shadows and everybody just ignore me. I'm hideous. I'm not going outside. I'm not smiling either." It definitely has a very strong, like, close jawline, which I appreciate. But I'm gonna say I like the other Moray eel more.

Me as well, but I feel bad 'cause we're such a shallow society. -You know what I mean? -I know. This Maura Eel... You know what? I do like that Maura Eel. -No, you don't. -The more we see it from this angle... No, no, the more we see it, the more I'm like, "It's just like living in its little house." It's faded. Look, it's faded. Spots are all faded. This is like the... It needs a little turban right here. This Maura Eel is like... ♪ Memory ♪ -Well, we should love that. -♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪

These are things we'd love in our divas. So I think that this is elevating the moray eel. Yeah, this is the next gypsy. Okay, so we go... Or Mama Rose rather than gypsy. I'm not going to identify that blurry-ass clownfish. Fuck off, clownfish. Yeah, whatever. Okay, another jellyfish showing us its ass. But this one does trim its privates. So, you know, shout out.

- Yeah, this one's a little bit more made in. Oh, I forgot about the-- - Is this one pregnant? Are these babies? What are these things here? - No, that's, I think it just, it's weird internal organs that we just get to look at. - Don't they look like a baby? - Their babies are just like little specks that just like grow. They don't, yeah. Now this, we forgot about this shark. This is, this shark, honestly. - This is a shark? Isn't this an eel?

It doesn't have a shark fin. I mean, it looks like an eel, but I don't think eels have fins like that. It looks like, honestly, just the most beautiful, glamorous shark I've ever seen. It looks like the eel. I know what you're saying. It looks like the eel, but I'm pretty sure moray eels do not have little fins, little wings. Well, this is just a flowy, beautiful...

It's just, it's like people in, you know, in school how they had like flag core and then a ribbon core. What was it called? When they like twirled their ribbons, the ribbon twirling people. This is like them. We were like, that's the dumbest thing. Like on paper, it's the dumbest thing. But then you see one and you're like, I get it. You know, I get it. Oh, you know what?

You know what? I think you're right. It says, I looked up, I said, do moray eels have fins? According to Google, it says, yes, they do have fins. Specifically, they have long, continuous dorsal fins. Oh, no, that's the top that's on their top, runs on their back, emerges with the tail. Okay. It does run on their back. No, no, these are side fins. This is a shark. This is a shark. So then we just see a plant, a plant, fish, a fish or a plant. I don't really know what it is.

Then we've got, we have this one. I don't know. It's not real. It's trying to hide from the camera. So you got your wish. We won't talk about you. Here's a school of, here's a school of stingrays. Now this, not only that, but this is what you call a striking image. These are rays that are like, okay, girls, let's get it together. We practice our routine and let's three, two, one, and let's go. Cause this is coordination right here.

They're like, even though Lucy's mother did not get her measles shots and now we're all fucked, we're going to still stick with this dance routine and we're going to get it down right. Okay. So now we move on to just some random, random little fish. Okay. Here we go with these striped fish. I will say the horizontal stripes probably do make them look better. So whoever spread that around in Weight Watchers, that was correct. But also they're kind of like advertising, um,

how you might want to cook them. They're like, would you like to grill us? This is what we'll look like. We're the flame broiled fish. We're going to pretend like we're already been, we've already been cooked. So no one wants to catch us. Yeah. This is a pretty fish. This one is like, this one is the classic screensaver fish. Like this was the one in 1994, just like,

This one had its moment. It's trying to find new relevance in 2025, maybe trying to do a nostalgia play. But we all know that really its moment was 1994, 1996, and that's really where it's gonna stay. I love that it has a raccoon face. I'm gonna call this raccoon face.

fish. It's very cute. So then we go to... And the fucking clownfish. Just get out of my life already. Again. More clownfish. I mean, clownfish. And then the final is the turtle. The turtle's just looking so good. This is such a majestic turtle. And I love that they include it in every episode. Yeah. Okay. So if we're going to do top five, top five of the week, I think my top five is going to be...

I think I'm going to do that school of stingrays. No, I'm going to do, no, I'm going to do, I'm going to do lionfish as my, as number five, which is very, that's low for the lion. Lionfish was my number one two weeks ago. Why don't we do a top three? Why don't we do a top three? Top three. Okay. Well, I'm going to be here all day. I just, the moray, I'm really, I'm so torn because I love the octopus. I love the moray eel. I love the shark. I love the, the stingrays. And I love the, the, uh,

the lionfish, so... I think I have to get... I feel so... The shark was amazing, wasn't it? Yeah, it was nice. That moray eel is great. The octopus. All right, well, you have to pick. Let me see the octopus. Okay, I'm going to go with Tina Turner for my number two. She would have been number one, but I cannot...

not give it to this twerking octopus. I think the octopus is number one this week. I'm giving moray eel number two. I can't help it. I'm giving lionfish number three. Shark, if we had more time with that shark, shark would have been higher because that graceful ribbon movement was amazing. And those stingrays all in that ghostly pattern is a strong number five. Great contenders this week. All right. Well, that was the Fish Report. Thank you for being here, everybody.

Okay, so now on with Below Dick Down Under. So we are with Laura deciding picnic stuff.

So she is going to send Bree to the beach and she tells her to take some margarita mix. And then Bree's like, "I'm so excited to go to the beach with the guests and get fresh air. Oh, thank God." - I love by this point in the season, they're just so happy to be off the boat, you know? - Right. This is also the part where we discover that Bree is a totally inept stew and we just haven't been paying attention to it.

So, and that starts to be revealed. We got a little bit last week when she didn't know how to turn the shower off by turning the knob, but it's just becomes a bigger and bigger thing now that she's actually doing stuff that's out of her wheelhouse. - Although in her defense, they are making showers more difficult for no reason. - Yeah, I mean, we all know, like when you first go to like a hotel, okay, here are the things I hate when you go to a hotel.

One, it's figuring out how to turn lights on and off because whoever manufactures lamps for a hotel, they're like, "Let's put the on/off button in a totally unintuitive place, and it's always going to be different in every single hotel." Is it up by the bulb? Is it at the base? Neither. It's in a weird section of the middle part that's hidden and you can't find it. But also showers, turning on showers and how they're-- The knobs and the twisty things.

Which way is hot? Which way is cold? What turns it on? What gives more pressure? It is difficult. Yeah. So that's Brie's only defense here. So then, um, Alicia and Serena are working on guest food and Serena's like, wait, do you know how to take the poop out of these prawns? And she goes, I did take the poop out. She goes, no, no, no. You do it like this from the other side. You know, you see the poops there. You can pull it out now, put it all over your fingers and then sniff.

All right, now put your finger in your own butt and then hold it up to the prawn's nose. You see, that's how humans and prawns interact. Do you understand? So now the guests are over on the beach and they're looking, there's bats flying around, there's crabs, they're all having a great time. Oh, by the way, we did not...

we did i want to give a shout out retroactive shout out honorary mention all the crabs on the beach they were great um so uh then we have uh marina she's she's like uh telling nick that they're gonna be doing a seafood uh extravaganza tonight and nick is saying i'm honestly starting to think that marina is kind of like the jean gray to buy cyclops from x-men incredibly powerful born leader very driven feels like she's got control over my mind

And as he's saying this, we see Marina pulling out placemats. Which is my favorite thing. He's like, "Wow, very driven, born leader." And she's like, "Should I use the silver or the purple?" She's got control over my mind.

So she tells him she's been wanting service. She's finally got it and he's in love. So then they go to the beach and there's crabs everywhere, as you pointed out. And Laura has not come back from the beach, but other people have. And Laura's like, why isn't Bri back yet? Who did I say? Marina? Laura. Laura's wondering where Bri is. Bri hasn't come back from the beach. So she's getting pissed off because Bri is not back.

Yeah, all this time she's been punishing Marina when Bree is the one when given a chance to be a slacker. So, so Laura's like, okay, that's weird. I don't know why she's not here yet. But meanwhile, Nate, Adair and Bree have made like a little fire and then they're just, they're just hanging out there and just enjoy, because they're waiting for the tenter to come back and get them. So they were just like gallivanting on the beach and

And it's like, Bree, what are you doing? And also, this is why I can't stand when the deckhands are always complaining about helping out the interior. Because the deckhands get these moments all the time where they get to just hang out on a beach, whereas the interior is working nonstop. Yeah.

Yeah. So then, let's see. So then Lara's still stewing over her not coming back. And then Nate's like, "Oh, just come on the radio and say, take your time. I'm not fussed at all. I'm not fussed at all." And Brie's like, "Yeah, forget us. You don't need us, right?"

is so amazing and then lara's like pre what are you doing girl like sometimes you don't want to be in housekeeping but help me out i mean what is this girl on god is she even blonde anymore

So meanwhile, Zarina has finally remembered that the best way to battle someone who is fighting for your stew-- I mean, for your-- for your sous, is to do it right back. So she's like, "So, Alicia, tonight I was thinking you could put on your chef jacket and come up with me when I explain the food." Lisa's like, "Oh, it would be an honor. Also, I need you to start with the oysters, though, first." She's like, "Oh, I've never actually shucked one. What I can do?"

actually is an oyster is that like a type of sponge oh dear so the beach team arrives back and laura's like um next time come back with the guests don't just sit on the beach you don't want to get changed into your blacks now do you change into your blacks and then straight to the laundry please um so then um she's like okay sorry

So she runs down into laundry and then the dinner table is being decorated and Alicia is helping Nate with his epaulettes and Serena. I just, I don't even think they showed Serena giving dirty looks, but I felt her stewing while they're trying to get all this food ready. And Alicia is just like giggling, helping Nate with the epaulettes. And, um,

She couldn't figure out how to put them on. You know, she's thinking, "Is this backwards? Is that backwards? Which way do we do it? This is hilarious." Serena's just like, "I'll let you wear a chef's coat." Serena has a certain way of, like, lurking in the back of the galley, and she's always, like, doing something with her hands, and then she always looks up, and she just gets this death stare from across the kitchen island.

So they make, she makes by the way, a great seafood extravaganza because sometimes we've seen on the show where people ask for a seafood extravaganza and what they get is like a nice like little plate of some shelled lobster and like three shrimp and I don't know what else, like maybe an oyster. But this was like a lot of seafood and it looked delicious and I wanted to be part of it. And I know I'm saying that on the heels of our fish report, but this is just my reality.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's fair. So then she's teaching her how to set it up and stuff and the lobsters and all that. And Serena is going to knock this one out of the park. So meanwhile, we listen to the guests and one of them is like, I have a friend that's a burlesque dancer and she breathes fire and she swallowed a little bit of kerosene and gave herself pneumonia because she drank too much kerosene. I mean, that was wild.

And then Barney Rubble's like, yeah, well, we were in Las Vegas for a bachelor party and we saw a stripper on roller skates breathe fire, but not from her mouth. That was a marvel to see. What the? You're blowing kerosene out your hoo-ha to hoo-ha's blow?

Listen, I don't have any empathy for the story. The story arc is someone put kerosene in their mouth and they wound up getting sick ultimately because of it. Yeah, it's because you put kerosene in your mouth and you try to light your mouth on fire and you got a pneumonia. Well, the pneumonia was unexpected. Like learn a trade. But that does not normalize any of this.

You know what I mean? Learn a trade. Like seriously? Swallowing kerosene for money? And then the roller skate one, you know, like how much do you have to do to please a dude at a bachelor party? You're already a roller skating stripper. You also got to blow fire out of your hoo-ha? Why? That's a lot. It's a lot. What happened to ping pong balls, you know? So... Truly. I didn't know there was like a respiratory system in a hoo-ha. I mean, I don't know much about hoo-has, but that's a lot. That's a powerful queef. So...

Okay, so then the plates are delivered, the meals are delivered, everybody loves it. And so Jason and Laura are making small talk

And she's-- Laura's telling him, "Oh, you know, you know, "Alicia's doing so great, and I know she just gets excited every time, "so I got her a little sparkly pink lipstick. "It just arrived. I can't wait to give it to her, 'cause you know she lost hers. She's gonna like me so much more than Serena now. It's amazing!"

So, which is, it's, yeah. - It's so transparent. - We just turned this stupid little lipstick is gonna be a disaster. - It's so transparent and Alicia is so easy that it's hard for me to respect Alicia. She doesn't even see any of this, you know? Gross. - So, but the thing is this, it's like, it'd be one thing if she just got the lipstick and was like, "Hey, I got you a new lipstick. I'll put it in your room." But she gives it to her in like a little black bag in the middle of service.

and is like, open it up, open it up. She's like, there's a present in there for you. She's like, what is it? It's a present. What do you mean? It's a present. Is it from the circus? Perhaps. I can't open it. I've got too much. Just open it. Just open it. And Zarina's watching like, what the fuck? Wait a minute. This is divorce papers. Oh, I'm sorry. That one was the actual one from the circus. Okay. Open this one. Okay.

Okay, this one. Oh, what is this? There's some sort of repellent. Oh, that's for if Serena gets too close to you. But keep looking deeper. There's more in there. A lipstick! A stun gun? Keep looking. Keep going further. It's a grab bag, really.

So she gets a lipstick and she's like, "Oh my God, that's so thoughtful. Look everyone, it's a lipstick. I'm going to go put it on right now. I can't wait to put on my lipstick. I'm putting on my lipstick. Isn't it amazing everyone? I got a lipstick." Jesus Christ, these people are deprived. I've never seen somebody that excited for a lipstick.

I know, I mean, she does like wearing a big red lip. So it's like, wow. I guess it's part of her identity. But Serena's just watching like, "You had to do this right now. Couldn't wait till tomorrow." She's so pissed. And Serena walks off. She's like, "Oh, God, she just can't stay out of it, can she? Jesus, that bitch!" You just hear her in her cabin. "That lipstick bitch!"

And then Alicia's like walking around and Harry's like, "Oh, you're very pink today." She's like, "Yes, I am."

And he's like, "Yeah, very pink." He's like, "I look like Britney Spears in the 2000s. It was a gift from Lara. I've got lipstick today." - So Jason goes to look at, see, check on the guests and he's like, "Hello, tomorrow's there's a bit of a bit of a sweat coming in, but we will have the toys out and we'll get wet and get hot." And Rebecca's like, "Um, I think we're all pretty wet and hot right now. We just heard of a streber getting her vagina burned off on roller skates."

So meanwhile downstairs, Alicia is still parading around her new lipstick. She's like, do I look like a nut job because it's so pink? Look at me. It's so pink. I've got pink lips. I'm blonde and pink lips. I can take over the world. Serena's like, you look absolutely phenomenal. God, traitor is your perfect color.

Beautiful. So then, um, Adair is like, "I used to be the one who was getting bossed around, but now I'm bossing somebody around 'cause Brie doesn't even know how a shower works! Watch this! Hey, Brie! Turn on the shower!" She just put Kleenex up to her ear. Call me Scround Mommy!

So, Harry gives Nick some instructions about what to do overnight or in the morning. And then the guests head to bed and everyone-- Some people go to bed and Lara is talking with Alicia. She's like, "So, how was today dealing with that monster in the galley?" She's like, "It was a really nice day because you got your lipstick back, that's why."

-Oh, God. Okay. -Your fairy godmother fixed it for you. Oh, God. Okay, okay. You have to rub it in that you got her a lipstick. Like, "Yeah, you had a good day because you got a little gift. A gift from someone who truly appreciates you. A lipstick."

Yeah. So, then Lara walks into the room and Zarina's in there and Zarina gives her this like death stare from the bed and just ignores her. The look she gives her is so fucking funny. She's like lying there in a bathrobe and a towel turban and she's just like... Just gives her this look as she walks past.

So, Alicia, Lara, they're not speaking to each other, basically. And then Lara sees Alicia and she's like, oh, Alicia, I love your hair. Oh, God, you just look so beautiful. And Serena's just like, God, fucking die, woman. Die.

Yeah, so they're setting up breakfast now 'cause it's the next day and Serena's talking about getting food up there in the next 10 or 15 minutes and Lara's like, " 'cause she's upset it's gonna take so long. And meanwhile, the swell is crazy right now. The boat is like-- It is going-- This is like sailing out. It is going up and down so much. I'm like, "Why are we-- Why are they staying in this spot? Why are they-- Why have they chosen not to move to someplace that's a little, like, calmer?"

I don't know that you can't escape it here in the Seychelles. That's just how it is. There's wind. Sometimes it kills you. You know that Captain Sandy is at home gripping her chair with her...

fingers turning white. Like, I can't believe he's just sitting there in the wind, the wind. So Brie is being ordered all over the place to do stuff and she's about to have a nervous breakdown. She's like, I don't know how Marina does this. I just feel like I'm being pulled in every direction. It's too much. It's too much. And then while she's in the confessional, Laura radios her. She's like, hello.

"Hello, possible becoming a brunette. Could you please get up here with the ice I requested?" It's like, "Can't take anymore." Yeah, Brie is really... She's really, really struggling here. So then Zarina's like, "We're gonna be at the Anchorage all day doing this. It's gonna be a tough day."

So then Laura's radioing, asking Alicia to help take plates down and stuff. And Zarina's like, "Careful, you might turn into a cook stew with Laura. That's what happened on my last boat." And Alicia's like, "Um, okay." She's like, "Sorry, I need to stop. God, I shouldn't be a bitch. I really shouldn't, but it's just so deeply entertaining."

So they're setting up for dinner and it's circus night and Laura's like, "Well, I'm thinking for this theme that we go sort of big tent to mimic the life under the big top. You know, I want gold in there, I want some popcorn, I want crying little girls because daddy's gone." You know how it goes. The emphasis is fun, tears, fun, fun, abandonment, tears.

it's gonna be a great night so they're all setting up and everything and serena's like are you gonna go dressed up as a clown is that why you have that lipstick on your face smeared all over like a common trollop and lisa's like yeah i guess i can do that so um they're setting up but the wind starts to blow and starts getting it starts getting windy and lara's like

So is it going to be windy? Because I don't want to keep setting up if we're going to have to take it all down. We're spending an hour setting this up. And if it's windy, I don't want to take it down. But Jason's like, no, no, keep it. It's fine. And they've got all these ribbons and streamers and stuff taped to the ceiling. And so it's like the worst day for wind. But the wind comes and starts taking everything down. Don't don't don't. We're all going to die. It's a wind. And that brings us to the end of Below Deck Down Under.

Bye. Fun one. You're tricking no one with your lipstick, ma'am. No one. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being here for Below Deck Down Under. Go get live show tickets for Austin, Dallas, and Las Vegas over at watchwhatcrappens.com and check this video out on Patreon if that is your kind of thing. We'll see you later in the week for Love Island and a Below Deck preview, Summer House and the Valley. Talk to you next time.

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