#2830 Below Deck Down Under S03E14: Cirque du Trashay
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Well, hello everybody and welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie and that's the gorgeous Ben Mandelker over there. How are you, Ben? I'm great. How are you doing? Good. It's a fine Tuesday. It's storming here in Texas. Wow. A little bit blown away. Yeah.

And getting ready for some Below Deck Down Under Recap-age. We're going to be in Texas this week, both of us together, live in Austin on Friday. We'll be doing Summer House. And in Dallas on Saturday, we will be doing a classic Vanderpump Rules episode, Season 6, Episode 5, Sex, Lies, and Audio Tape. Giants! What the hell? So we'll be there doing that. And then the following week, we'll be in Vegas doing a Summer House recap, which is going to be so fun.

And then after that, we're going to be in Los Angeles and Seattle, both in June. Who knows what we're recapping there, but go get tickets for those new shows. Get tickets for all the shows. What the hell? Who's stopping you? Over at watchwhatcrappens.com. That's also where you find links to our Patreon. That's where you get videos like the one that we're on right now. Hello. And bonus episodes. We've got a lot of trailer trashes up right now. All of the traitors, blah,

some white Lotus recaps, a lot of fun stuff going on over there. Um, and we'll be starting a new show over there very shortly. So join us. Well, love Island comes back June 3rd. So that's a big thing. And then we'll check in with the Mormon wives, secret lives. They've got secret lives. We're going to check in on those secret lives. So join us over there. Thanks to everybody. Who's a part of that. And now I'm not,

Now, below deck, down under, season three, episode 14, The Circus. Yeah. Wow. The Circus. The Circus is back in town. So where we left off, there was a massive windstorm that was barreling in and all of Lara's precious circus decorations were flapping, flapping in the breeze. What would happen to them? Would they be able to save this dinner party? The answer is, yeah, they just went inside.

Yeah, the answer is these people are kind of trashy and any wind would help. Yeah. That's what I say. Put the guests in the wind and just let it dust them off because this is a dusty group of guests. Okay. They seem very nice, but dusty. This is the wind above their wings. Okay. This is just going to push them down a little bit.

So Jason, you know, Jason, our captain who likes to crash into things. Well, I guess the sailing deck captain crashes into stuff, too. But I think Jason actually crashed into a restaurant once. So he wins. Yeah. And he was the only person surprised by the wind. He's like, what is this wind? This wind came out of nowhere. Jason, let me tell you who was not surprised by the wind. Captain Sandy. Captain Sandy woke up two nights ago.

watching her favorite show wind and knew that this was coming. She's probably been trying to call you and you've been ignoring her ass. Okay. Literally all of last episode, that yacht was bobbing up and down. Like I was getting seasick just watching it. And then the wind comes along and he's like, well, I didn't anticipate this wind. I was like, what part of those giant waves did not indicate that there was wind around the corner?

Jason, get with it. It's windy. Get with it, Jason. So now they have to go downstairs. And then, you know, they're just running around and stuff. And Laura's like, this is literally all ruined. School cards, cutlery, plates we don't need. Marina, do the drinks. What a bloody nightmare. The circus is probably the most complicated dinner of the entire season. Girl, the circus is the easiest shit I've ever heard of in my life. Stop your crying.

You could literally have chaos. And then when people say this is disorganized, you can say, well, it's a circus. It's supposed to be like this. Yeah. When in doubt, poop on the floor. That's what they do in the circus. I remember being a kid and going to the circus and being like, those animals are pooping. And my parents were like, yeah, animals poop. And I'm like, but like, we have to train our dog to poop outside. You're paying, you're like charging us tickets. You know, you're charging for tickets and your animals are going to shit on the floor. Like train better. I remember being horrified as a child by that.

Yeah, terrible. I mean, it's also, if you think about it, if you get shot out of a cannon, you might land in poop. And that's just a terrible way to end that little trick. I mean, how can you train a horse to run in circles and stand on its hind legs, but you can't teach it to poop outside? Yeah. Yeah, I think start with the basics. Start with the basics before you get into the dance, okay? Yeah.

If your toddler knows how to do like a batma or like an arabesque before it knows actually how to poop, that's a problem. You prioritize the wrong things. Well, the kids weren't pooping on the ground. No, but I'm saying in general, like you always teach the pooping before you go into like performance. Yeah. But then performance. Yeah. How do you train them performance? Here's when you get a sugar cube when you poop outside.

By the way, I'm going to say this. I think some of the kids were pooping. Probably, yeah. That's what I thought after it left my lips. I was like, of course kids were pooping on the ground. There were a lot of kids pooping in that tent. A lot of pooping on the ground. So she's going over everything that the circus theme entails. It's courses, circus acts to match. We've got a strong man, a magician, naughty clowns, a contortionist. We even have Giraffe Harry.

The circus sucks. Can I just say that? Where's the whimsy? Where's the French Canadian instrumental music that's maybe a remix with the Beatles? I mean, let's get some Cirque du Soleil going on in here. But, because I want my money back. This is a shitty circus. I'm actually already longing for horses pooping on the ground.

I I'm longing for, first of all, there's also no trapeze. So like, why don't you hang up a trapeze and swing from it? Second of all, yeah, I want my, I want my whimsy. I want my retired gymnast who now that their Olympic dreams are over, have nothing to do, but do weird contortions on a balance beam, you know, in Las Vegas. That's that's. Hey, you want to see a circus? Turn on the news. Am I right? Oh yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, Harry's dressed as a giraffe, which means he's basically shirtless and has little patches on himself, which, fine. So she wants to be perfect.

Oh, geez. The circus made me sneeze. I didn't even have time. I didn't have enough time to take myself off camera. That one just happened and it happened quickly. It was a sneeze, uncontrollable sneeze. I'm allergic to the circus. So Laura's going, oh, bless you, by the way. So Laura is going over circus acts with people and talking about food. And she's like, okay, Harry, you know, we're going to be doing food. We're going to clear the food. Then you're up first. We've got to stick draft things on you. All right.

And she's like, you'll be after the truffle popcorn. You know, it's classy when you're getting truffle popcorn. Yes. When the shirtless deckhand with the giraffe patches comes out after the truffle popcorn. Unless he didn't have to wear his budgie smugglers. That's new. Because she likes to keep these guys naked. I think he was in his budgie smugglers. Oh, was he? Yeah.

Oh, nevermind. Yeah. So Jason, he gets into his ringmaster costume and starts, he has a whip that he whips quite, quite a lot enough that I start to think like that whip gets some action when he's in that kimono. That's what I'm going to say.

So, Alicia is like... She's gonna... They're just talking about the different things they're gonna do. So, Alicia's gonna be doing a prank with... She's gonna be doing a prank with Adair with cream pies. And she's talking about getting cream pied in the face, which then gets a little sound effect of a... Like...

You know what she just said, right? Naughty. Yeah. She's like, I wouldn't be mad about a cream pie in my face. And it's like, oh, I'm following that. Follow that. It's like, you dirty, dirty little minx.

And then now they're talking about cabins because Brie's like, "Wait a minute, in terms of cabin flipping, that's the real circus act." And she's like, "Oh, God, we'll just work it out, all right?" It's going to have to be between each meal. So you can, you know, super easy. You can do an act, run downstairs, do an act, run downstairs, deliver some food, run downstairs, run downstairs, run downstairs. It's just a lot of running stairs. You can do it.

Yeah. So then Zarina is going to be making some deviled eggs and then doing this truffled popcorn and doing a blooming fried onion. You know, all the stuff you expect at a luxury yacht. And she's really excited about though. She's like, I love a fun theme. This is when I can really bring some theatrical stuff in, play for dishes, but also elevate them. I want to keep the guests guessing. And, oh, I never thought it would be like that. You know, do crazy things like...

I don't know, serve a chicken soup with only a fork. You know, brothy, but forky at the same time. You know, I love a circus scene, although it reminds me of going to the circus as a child and being bullied and ostracized. Because even at the circus, I was that weird girl with poofy hair. Shots are in the cloud car. Weird girl with poofy hair.

tried to get in the clown car and then i said come on clowns get in and they just looked at each other and said we're afraid there's not enough room for us so you just go alone and i said but it's a clown car and they said sorry i can't hear you we're gonna go over there i felt so left out that day i wanted to walk with the elephants but the elephants only walked with other elephants so um now everyone's like oh my god we look amazing we don't we look so good we're such an amazing group we're like family serena will you take our picture

Oh, yeah. Classic. And so she takes the picture and then they all disperse because that's all right. I don't need a photo or anything. And she's so unhappy. And they've given her this little like ringmaster hat to wear. It's like...

She's just like scowling with a stupid little hat on her head. And they do. She is like, well, I don't need a picture. I don't need one. They're all like, oh, God, what a bad attitude. But, you know, she just wanted someone to be like, come on, Serena. You're part of the family. We need you in the circus picture, Serena, please. Instead, Lara was like, everyone, look at the elephant cooking dinner. Throw peanuts at it. Oh, stop it.

Stop it. I'm trying to make popcorn. Look at that, everyone. The bearded woman is taking our picture. Smile. You know, it's funny. I've heard of the fire-eating woman, but not the fire-breathing one. Does anyone have a mint for her? Mint for Serena, please, someone. You know what we need to start putting in circuses? Altoids. Altoids that jump from tables into Serena's mouth.

So the guests come out in their costumes. They're wacky guys. There's a hot dog guy. There's a strong man, a fortune teller. And then one guy is dressed as a hot dog vendor. And it's the guy. Listen, it's always the guy whose butt you don't want to see that shows you his butt. Put on your clothes, sir. Nobody wants to see Acid Tripp and Barney Rubble's butt. No. Thankfully, he does go back into his room and puts on some shorts. I think the editors were like,

We don't want to blur out your ass all night. So please just put on some shorts. Okay. This is expensive furniture. No one wants your skid marks in here, Barney. Get back there. Precisely. So now it's the circus. Yeah. Everyone's amazed. And Marina's like, I'm over the moon being on service. I'm really happy that Laura gave me this chance. And I really want to prove that this is the right move because I want to grow in this industry and I need to understand what the big dogs do. I was like, okay, Heather, go.

Big dogs put on clown wigs and clap their hands. Serve giblets. With funguses on while they're serving popcorn to guests. You're going to do great.

I want to be with the big dogs. What are the big dogs doing? Serving popcorn? Yeah, big dogs. Made it. LinkedIn, big dog. So Jason is whipping still. He's still whipping his whip for the guests. And then Laura goes down to the galley and she's like, all right, now listen, I'm not going to have my radio attached, so I'm going to leave it behind the bar. Serena's like, um, could you attach it to your shoulder maybe? She goes, no, I've got my, I haven't got my earpiece in, so what's the point? She's like, uh,

What about communication, guys? Haven't we talked about this?

yeah this is over commitment to the uh to the outfit this is uh reminding me of ellie on below deck uh a blow deck med who was like gets so committed to her costumes that she would spend like 45 minutes getting into them and then neglect all her duties and that's kind of what laura's doing here a bit yeah but ellie had an only fans to sell what the is lara doing she's saving up for some farm somewhere all she's wearing is bunny ears i can't watch that i can't i can't wear my radio tonight i'm an artist chief artist

Yeah, she's like a little bit too into the role. You still have to bring up food. Okay, so put that radio on.

Um, so this is, this is when you go to your, your friend's house with kids and then they're like, oh my God, guys, our kids are going to do a play. And then the kids come out and like, they're like, look, I can make something with mud. Look, I can like spit gum in my sister's hair and you'll have to clap. And you're like, they are so talented, but everybody at that table is like, fuck you. I never supported you having kids in the first place. Okay. Now I have to sit here and watch your kids. How long is this? Chop, chop. It's like 20 minutes. We're going here. Get rid of these kids.

i have to say if i go on to a luxury yacht and the staff does this whole rigamarole does like a little like variety show of a circus i'm not happy about it like i'm like janet zuccherini on top chef i'm like i'm on a yacht don't kneel at my table okay

You want to know my special skill? Yelping the fuck out of your ass. Okay. I will write a 10 page Yelp review on how much all of this sucks. I want you to stand like a pencil in the corner. And then when I need you, you can come to the table. But don't I don't want to have to pretend to lap while you come to my table, dress like a giraffe and do a little skit. I'm like, let me eat my food.

or get something for me, but like, I don't want to have to pretend like I'm entertained by this. Okay. Now all of that said, because we are the presidents of the Hippocrat club, I was that kid who put on plays and made people sit there for 20 minutes watching me as a child. I'm still that way. We do it every day. Yeah. I'm still doing it now. And I was also a singing waiter for a short time. So I

I'm pretty much violated all of these rules. No, no. But like, if I go to a singing waiter restaurant, I'm expecting singing waiters. That's fine. But like, if I'm going onto a yacht and I'm just with my friends and we're just trying to have dinner,

I just, I don't know. I don't know if I need all those hijinks, but then I don't know. Maybe, maybe if I go on the app, maybe, maybe I'll enjoy it. Who knows? Maybe I'm just being closed minded. I won't. You won't. No one does. That's the weird thing about it. They just clap and they, they laugh. But I think that they're all like, oh, these people are gross. I will say that when I was a singing waiter, there was also, it was on this cruise, this, um, round New York city cruise, you know, like a dinner cruise thing. And, um,

i think it was called spirit spirit cruise and um at the end you know we all had a number we would sing the number and then at the end whoever rented the boat that night it was usually like an office party so we used to see like a lot of polyester you know dancing getting dancing to brick house at the end and um there was like a big dance party and no one was more awkward than the office people at the dance party so that kind of made up for us being awkward you know

Yeah. I mean, I, um, I went to club med in like 2010, we had a family vacay to club med and it was basically like this where, you know, I would go basically, we went to a family club med because my brother's kids were like young, like one was like one, one was like five. And so it was where it was a club med that you go to if everyone, if you have like children. And so what would happen is that eight o'clock,

my brother and his family, they would just all go to sleep. And then my parents were usually in and everyone was in. And I was like the only person who was, I was like 35 or something like that, 33. And I had nothing to do. So I went to the local, there was like the bar on the on-campus bar and you'd sit there and the staff members from club med would come and sit next to you and talk to you. Like they were your friends. Like that was like their job. They had to like act like your friends and,

And then they would invite you to do things like, Oh, you should come around to the archery tomorrow. Or like, you should come like, you should do like, we're doing a boat tour tomorrow. And they like, and you have to just like be friends with them. And it's weird because you're like, you're not really my friend. We're doing like a weird friend cosplay. And then you do it. And like,

It passes the time, but you feel kind of strange doing it. And I kind of feel like that's what I would feel like if all these strangers were at my table doing like a draft skit and circus skits. And I have to laugh and be like, this is funny. Like laugh as if like they're my friends doing something amazing, but I don't know who you are.

you're just doing weird stuff and i could do because i've always kind of wanted to hoe around you know like actually be a hoe like i always wanted to you know because i don't believe that that's such a bad job but i just never really had the figure for it or the like self upkeep for that job but i could friend whore

Like people could just be like, hey, you know, do you want to invite me to archery? I'd be like, sure. I could just see people at a coffee shop and be like, hey, oh my God, you look so interesting. What is that, a Colleen Hoover book you're reading? Wow. You know, we should go check out archery tomorrow. Yeah.

When crappins runs its course, I think there's a job waiting for your club med. It was literally like that. It was like, it was literally like around the valley. Like I'll have an ad on Craigslist that I could put. And then I, people just hire me to come be nice to them in coffee shops. This was like the original Enora. These were like friend escorts. Yeah. I'll be like, well, God, those fucking employees singing songs are lame. Aren't they? We should go to archery.

The weirdest part of it all was that at 10 o'clock, it was like every night at 10 o'clock, I'd be at the bar just like drinking and like talking to people. And there was like a kind of a auditorium and all the children would go to the auditorium and they'd watch like a movie or something and there'd be a performance. And there was like a ringleader guy. He was this like French Canadian guy with like a little hat and a beard. And he would do a performance. And part of the performance is that he would march all the children in a parade. And they'd march from the auditorium into the bar and

And so what would happen would be that you'd just be at a bar and then at 10 o'clock, a parade of children would walk in and they would do YMCA. And then after like five minutes, they would all leave. It was just the strangest thing in the entire world. I think this is why I'm like, I have a reaction to like on unwanted performances during my leisure time. Yeah. Well, here you have it. It's, it's, um, the giraffe, Harry. He's like, Oh, I'm a giraffe.

And Bree's like, yeah, he's got a really long, stiff neck.

And everyone's like, that is hilarious. So now Bree is running up and down and she's telling Adair, I have so much gas laundry to fold. I'm just, oh God, and all these white shirts still have to be done. I just need to breathe. Just breathe. And Adair's like, yeah, get some towels too. You need to get some towels. She's like, oh, towels. I didn't even consider that. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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And Marina is preparing for her next act. And Jason's like, everyone, please be amazed by one of our contortionists who doesn't only want to contort for you, but also wants to grow. So please give her that opportunity to learn something. Because if you're contorting and not learning, what's even the point? All right. Please welcome Marina. She woke up as a silverware polisher. She's going to go to bed as a contortionist. Let's support Marina on her new journey. Yeah.

And next charter, I think we should have her. We're going to have her be the cook. So, Zarina, you don't mind doing beds, do you? We just want Marina to grow. And then the creepy guest is like, what else can she contort? Oh, fuck off, you fucking weirdo. This is the same guy who last week was like, oh, yeah, we saw a stripper on roller skates who had kerosene up her hoo-ha and then blew it out. I'm like, fuck off. This guy's so creepy. I don't like this guy at all.

Yeah, they're all strange. So then Nick comes up and he's going to be the strong man. So he does his like, he does a little silly thing where he's pretending to lift up a weight and everything. And it's funny. And Zarina, meanwhile, is down in the dungeon.

And she has food that needs to go up. And so she's like, Laura, Laura Galley, how's it looking? Laura, Laura Galley, Laura, Laura Galley. Which is funny because she knows Laura doesn't have her radio, but I think now she just wants to be passive aggressive. Like, I was calling for you. It's like, hello, you've reached someone better than you. Sorry I'm not here to take your pathetic call. Figure it out. Bloop.

Wow, that's wild. I didn't know that walkie-talkies had answering machines, but that's fine. It's just Lara holding onto her radio, just to fuck with her. So, Lara's like, Marina, have you been distracted by Nick's package? Ooh, I'm just one of the girls.

And Serena's still radioing for her. And she's like, hello, chefies in the galley in a stupid little hat down here. I need timing. I need communication. I need inclusion.

So then they finally go downstairs, they fetch a thing with smoke, and then they get a bloom of the onion. Everyone's happy, it's very exciting. And then Zarina's like, "Bri, how long do you reckon this act is going to be?" And she's like, "I don't know, probably not too long, I don't know, maybe five minutes? I don't know, I've got a lot of towel anxiety!" She's like, "Okay, alright, so I've got play. Do you reckon I can play? I've got five minutes to play, and—" Or, I guess, sorry, "plate."

And then Lara comes downstairs and then she's like, no, no, not ready yet. And so like their timing is all messed up. Yeah. And Brie's like, you have time to play? That's great. I have time to get two bath towels, one hair mat, one floor mat, one washcloth, two bath towels, one hair mat, one floor mat, one washcloth, two bath towels, one hair mat, one floor mat, one washcloth. It's washcloth. I can't. I can't take it.

She's spiraling in a way that no one can have. I don't blame her though, because they really do have her doing 5 million things and it's the stairs, you know? Cause she gets down and she's like, "Okay, I'll make this bed, I guess." And she like moves a pillow and they're like, "Please, please come up. We have a very important blooming onion to deal with." And she's like, "Oh!" And then she runs up a mile of steps and then delivers that. And then they're like, "Okay, go do the washcloth." And she's like, "Okay!"

Please come up and deliver the popcorn. It's like, oh my God, do we need 13 people to deliver fucking popcorn? But like Marina did the same thing and didn't have any issues. You know, Brie is like kind of, she's sort of, I mean, we've exposed her weaknesses. I mean, I just think back to like last week when she didn't know how to turn off the shower, when there was three knobs and she only tried one of the knobs.

I'm like, I don't know. She may be the architect of her own demise, as Craig Conover would say. Showers are the architects of demise. Those tricky showers. Why do you got to make showers tricky on hot, cold? That's all I need. I don't need this fucking rigmarole of the new showers.

I agree. I don't know why showers... Listen, you go to a hotel, I don't know why showers are so bizarre every single time. And I don't know why lamp switches can't be in a consistent place. This is the bane of my existence, trying to turn on the light lamp to turn them off. You know, you walk into a hotel room these days, all the lights are on and the TV is on every single time. The TV is always on. It's like, welcome, Ben. I'm like...

I don't bug it because it keeps turning itself on. It does turn itself on. Turn that fucking thing off. It's like, bienvenidos, Rondal. Like, fuck off. Okay, so it's like, would you like to get to our gym? And then they have this picture of this glorious gym and you get down there and there's like one treadmill, you know, and like a fucking one weight with a booger hanging off of it. Like, no. Yeah. So anyway, Bree is spiraling.

And then it's naughty clowns, Alicia and pies. It's Alicia and Adair. And then they pie each other in the face. It's crazy. It's like literally crazy. Because it's like for a moment, are they going to pie a guest? Are they going to pie Jason? They pie each other. So then that happens. And Zarina is, Zarina was, who had just been told that there's five minutes. She has five minutes to plate or do whatever. All of a sudden she,

She doesn't. She only has 30 seconds. And she's like, well, you know what? That was literally 30 seconds, not five minutes. You guys might as well chill for a bit because I have to plate. So they're all waiting for her. She's like, I'm not a magician. I can't magically see what's happening upstairs. I feel like I'm completely forgotten about. But just understand that these theme nights, we share them. It's not the Lara show.

Well, we have roasted chicken with a butternut puree, cauliflower and sweet potatoes made by an extremely unpopular troll in a Dr. Seuss hat that's been miniaturized. Enjoy. Yep. Ah.

So then Brie is drawn up again from the rooms to help out with the bar and she's like, "This rockiness of just getting thrown all over, it's overwhelming, it changes every three seconds and you can't be everywhere at once! Alright, I need you to change into a bunny thing and I'm going to let you girls do some cheering and everything."

So go clean the cabins, but also turn yourself into a bunny and then clean the table, but then also clean the cabins. Then after turning yourself into a bunny, you can turn yourself into a turtle and we could do a tortoise and hare thing where you play both parts, but you switch in between them and also make beds. Okay. Yeah. She makes them do everything so she can put on her bunny costume, which is a leotard with bunny ears. Could you? Oh, sorry. Are you in the theater?

Sorry, I thought it was Brie changing into a bunny costume, not Lara. But yes, Lara changed into the bunny costume. Lara's a sexy bunny. So then Serena's like, well, are they happy with the food? And she doesn't get an answer.

And everyone's like, "Oh my God, are we ready? The sexy bunny's about to come out. Oh my God, they're dying for the sexy bunny." And Serena asks again, and Bree's like, "Oh, they loved it. I think. I mean, I've barely seen them, but I think they loved it. The beds loved it. The washcloth loved it. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Well, communication has been at a bare minimum. Ow! What was that? Sorry, I just want to throw a peanut at you, just to remind you that you are the elephant at the circus. Okay, sexy bunny going upstairs now. So then, uh, now here comes... Ladies and gentlemen, you will now meet the master of illusion...

And Nate comes out and he's like, "Alright everyone, I need to volunteer." And he does a whole bit. He's like, "What's your favorite animal?" And they're like, "Sloth!" "Alright, how about Bonnie?" "Python!" "How about Bonnie?" "Wallaby!" "Alright, really just say Bonnie." I really should not have made this an open-ended thing. I should have said, "He wants to see a rabbit."

Yeah. Don't give them multiple choice or like don't give them open-ended choice. That was a bad idea for sure. And so she's like, okay, I guess a bunny rabbit. And he's like, well, I've got a bunny rabbit. And he pulls it out and like, that was amazing. And then they hold up a blanket by the door and they're like, we're going to disappear. And they jumped behind the door and dropped the blanket. Yeah. This was painful. I would, I would have preferred five-year-olds doing this. Yeah. The bunny, by the way, of course is Lara.

Laura was what appeared. That's what he pulled out. So then, um, it came from the chair. Yeah. Everyone's like, Oh my God, the sexy money and the perverts like blow some, blow some fire out of your hoo-ha tits.

Everyone's a sexy bunny. So Jason is like, I'm really proud of my team. They really debased themselves in a new way tonight, and I appreciate that. For them to be able to come together, bring their ideas, and do kind of an amateur hour summer camp performance for these guests on a luxury yacht, it was really meaningful. And this is the level I've been striving for all season long. I don't pray often, but I'd like to give thanks to the Lord.

for not having the yachting industry be unionized. All right. Thank you. Thank you very much. Amen. So Serena's like, there's loads of shit out there. I mean, you might want to give the crew mess a tiny little once over. All right. And Alicia's like, I don't know if I can have the crew messes my domain as well as this. I'm just struggling. And she's like,

And she goes, well, so seven star. And Serena's like, yeah, well, the problem here is that last week Jason told Laura, you need to assign somebody to do the crew mess, meaning you need to assign somebody from your crew to

to do the crew mess. And instead of assigning one of her girls, she assigns the kitchen person, which she shouldn't be allowed to do anyway. The kitchen person's not a swing. That's Serena's person. I agree. Serena, I mean, I mean, Lara has Adair. Adair is a Dextu. And as far as we can tell, the Deckies...

They have a lot of time off in the evening. They have enough time to do all these skits. So why can't a Decky, especially Adair, who is a Decky and a Sue, why can't they just clean the crew mess in the evening when there's no anchoring, when there's no toys, when they're just sort of like hanging around being goofballs in the evening?

Yeah, and Lara planned on just kind of turning Alicia, getting her on her side and buying her a lipstick, and then she could order her around to do whatever she wants. But I don't think it's going to work out. Let's see, everybody. I also noticed that...

Yeah, I also noticed that Lara was wearing, like, later on, I think when they went out, she was wearing, I think, Alicia's same lipstick or the same shade. I clocked that. Oh, sisters, look at us. Old pink lipstick girls hang together. Right, Serena? Oh, you don't have pink lipstick? Whoops. Poor girl, she just smears granola all over those lips and calls it lip liner. It's disgusting.

So, uh, Laura's checking on Marina and she's vacuuming floors and now she's radioing Bree and she's telling her, okay, as soon as you're done with the cabins, try to get to bed before 12, if you can. She's like, one towel, two towels, washcloth, bath mat, one towel, two cloths. All work, no play makes Bree a very angry stew. So, um...

actually want dark rum honey dark rum up for the bar please stock it thank you um so then lara's like everyone's going to bed and everything and lara's uh lara's goes up to alicia she's like are you all right honey bun jeff had fun night and alicia's like which was fun i got cream pie'd okay yes you did you did in the face yes yes yes

So you did great. And she's like, thank you. By the way, I was wondering if I could talk to you tomorrow about the crew mess. Because to be honest, I'm drowning in my workload. Because as you may remember, I'm actually a chef and not a stew. So for me to clean, which is your department, might be hard for me. So on some days I can do it. And some days I just can't. So I can't.

Okay, well, what are you struggling with? And she goes, well, there's not enough hours in the day. I mean, I can do the clear up. I can take plates in, wipe tables down. I just can't be solely responsible for the crew mess. And she goes, but lunch cleanup and dinner cleanup is meant to be yours. No, it's only meant to be yours because you said so. And you don't have the power to say so. So back to the drawing board.

Adair. Adair. So Alicia is like, well, I just can't do it. Look, I've still got all the floors to scrub. Sorry, I don't want to cut it short, but if I carry on talking to you, it's going to be later and later and later. So she's like, bye, I'm not doing it. I'm cleaning the kitchen because I'm basically Daisy in this Downton Abbey. Okay, I'm Daisy. I'm not, I'm not like...

whoever I'm not whoever's cleaning the rest of the mansion also Laura's just standing there staring at her going but why but why like it's nothing it's nothing to do it okay then have one of your people do it then you do it yeah a lady who didn't clear anything so you could put on a fucking leotard exactly if you're if you have time if you've got time to bunny you've got time to do a funny mopping on that crew mess

So, Bree's freaking out. So, she goes to Serena, which is a nice turn of events. She goes to Serena, who's cuddled in bed with a blanket that's an American flag with a big serving of Bloomin' Onion on top of it.

Which was interesting. So she comes in there and she's like, "Serena! I'm so sad!" And it's like, "Oh my God, what's happening? Did Harry try to go beyond cuddling? What's going on?" She's like, "Oh, I don't know. I need a two-tiles, one-tile bath mat washcloth. It's just too much."

So Serena, what's funny is that like earlier in the season when Serena felt more confident about her place in this boat, she was very maternal and she was she was like a mother hen. But now that she's like in her own head about everything and she's so mad at Lara, you can see she just basically can't be anything.

like comforting. She's like, they're there. They're there. I've got a blooming onion. Okay, good. Bye-bye now. I thought she was being pretty comforting. She just can't go too far because she just told Laura last week, like when it comes to my subordinates, like if they're crying to you, I would like you to remove yourself from the situation. So she, I think she's trying to stick with that because she doesn't shit talk her at all. Like, she's not like, yeah, Laura's a bitch and makes you do too much stuff, which I think Laura would have done if she,

if it was reversed. Instead, she's like, um, all right, well, you're doing great. You're doing great, aren't you? You're doing just so well. I mean, look at you. Listen, at the end of the day, you're good for nothing. At least you were born blonde. So you've got that ticket in your hat. Just remember, you can always come to me during my visiting hours, which are not now. This is Blooming Onion time. Goodbye.

It's like, "Thank you so much, Serena. Thank you." And Serena's like, "I love you so much. Really, I do."

Thank you for leaving. Thank you. Thank God. You know what would be a good way, a good way to prove yourself? Maybe if you clean the crew mess instead of my sous chef. I don't know, but just putting it out there. Okay, goodbye now. So then, um, then Lara is going off to bed and everything and Alicia and Harry are cleaning and Lara is, um, so Lara and Brie are now talking and, and,

And she's basically like, oh, I've come to see you. And Brie is now putting on a strong front. She's not letting on that she was just crying and miserable about everything. And Lara's like, oh, what a fucking day. I'm so exhausted. And Brie's like, yeah, you're doing great. You're doing great. You're doing great. Everything's fine over here. Oh, yes, yes. Everything's hard over here. Oh, God, it's so difficult being me. You're doing great.

Yeah, I was like, all right, well, I won. So that's the important thing. I've won for the day. Good night. And so Bree's like, well, I mean, I just know how stressed Laura is. I mean, she has put herself on the plate. Okay. She has put herself out there for everybody. She hung streamers and put on a leotard. So I'm just going to get over it. You know, sometimes I have to be a rock for everybody. So I'm just going to do that.

Yeah. So since when I was going to be the rock for everybody, Brie cries about everything. Every time they cut to Brie, she's crying. Do you know what you mean the rock? She's not, she's the sand.

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Why are there ridges on Reese's peanut butter cups? Probably so they never slip from her hands. Could you imagine? I'd lose it. Luckily, Reese's thought about that. Wonder what else they think about. Probably chocolate and peanut butter.

So then, Alicia, it's the next morning, wake up, wake up, it's drop off day. And everyone's excited. And Serena's like, good morning. How's the most beautiful girl in the whole wide room? And at least it's like, I don't know. I was talking to the Bloomin' Onion. How are you doing? I don't know.

She's like, all right, well, listen, you're doing so great at making salmon platters. I'd love to see you do another one. God damn it, your salmon platters are amazing. And Alicia's like, all right, all right, no pink lipstick on the salmon platter. All right, I told you that yesterday. Put the lipstick away. Save the lipstick.

Can I cream pie the salmon platter? You know what? You also have to stop saying that. So now the guests are waking up and ordering beverages, etc. And Alicia is telling Serena that she spoke with Laura about removing her off of the crew mess deal. And Serena's like, I mean, yeah, that should be everyone's responsibility, which I think is another thing. She doesn't say it's Laura's crew. She says everyone should take a turn. And she's like, well, I mean, look, all clear, but I don't clean. I mean, I just don't have time to do it.

So then Lara comes in and she's like, "Did you manage this morning, Alicia?" She goes, "What?" She goes, "Did you manage to do the crew mess?" And she's like, "Well, I mean, I wiped it down." She goes, "Oh, so you didn't clean it up then? Did you not hear the conversation you had last night, ma'am?"

Do you want people to have breakfasts or do you want them not to have breakfasts? Because this is literally the time they're making breakfast for the guests right now and you want her to step away for 15 minutes? That's like egg making time. You want her to step away and sweep the floor? What's having anyone else doing? What are the deckies doing right now because they're not doing anything with the anchor?

And she did like clear, she did clear it and like wipe the surfaces down. She just didn't do the floors. So she's like, yeah, I wiped it down. And Laura's like, oh, so you didn't clean it up then? And she goes, well, I haven't had time. And she's like, yeah, but you didn't vacuum. You didn't do anything. She's like, I'd never vacuum. But like, I don't know where you're getting that, but I've never once vacuumed that. So she's like, I actually like the dust bunnies. And so Cesarina's like,

you know, it's not 15 minutes. It doesn't take just 15 minutes. And Laura's like, well, it's literally just a vacuum. Why haven't you cleared away? And she goes, well, if it's 15 minutes and someone in your department can do it. And she goes, you're not letting me have any help. And she goes, well, we'll talk about it later. She goes, no, we won't. I said, I will to Captain, which I love that you did it. Like, you know what? I'm taking you to the principal's office right now because you're interrupting me in my service right now.

Yeah, but she's still ruffled. She's like, oh, I'll take captain. Oh, you're good, Alicia. Don't worry. That was very bitchy. Very, very bitchy. Like she's getting all pissed off and Laura's storming off. I love a petty little fight. Yeah. Crew mass fight. It's great. So they're serving. Alicia brings some plates up to the pantry. So she has this like, she brings a tray up.

of very hot plates that the stews have to serve. So then- - But she serves them, just a note, she gives them these plates in a chaffer dish, right? Like in the chaffer pan. So she's not touching the actual plates. The worry is that the customers are gonna burn themselves. That's why they made towels. Get the towel and serve them. We've all been to a restaurant where they serve you something with the towel and go, "Watch out, that's a hot plate." - Yes.

Yes. They're adults. They know how to handle a hot plate. If you just say, get a tray, get a tray, put them on the tray, and then come to the table with your tray and take the bowl, the hot bowl from the tray to the table with a towel and say, careful, hot plate. It's like a very simple process.

Yeah. So Bree's like, these are very hot, Laura. These are so hot. I'm just leaving them here. She's like, what, is she kidding me? Well, I'm not putting it out. So she just leaves them there. And Bree's like, yeah, I can't serve it. You guys are idiots. You guys are fucking morons. I can't. Like, I know Serena rubs people the wrong way sometimes, but this is ridiculous dealing with people like this. I can't. So they just walk away from it.

So Serena's like, "I'm gonna need another hand in service, please." And Bree's like, "Can you believe that? Did you hear that?" And Laura's like, "Yeah, well this tray's going over someone's head." Like, "Your servers, go pick up the fucking food." "What? I don't understand why they're being so mean about it. This is your job. Go pick up the food from the galley."

But it's also now they're all gummed up because they spent so much time like hemming and hawing about these hot plates that now the next thing is ready and now they are backed up. It's like literally just serve the hot shit. This could not be the first time serving hot plates. Okay. So Lara goes to Serena. She's like, well, we can't serve those hot things. They're like scalding hot. And Serena's like,

Like, you can't. She's like, no, they're literally, like, I don't even have hands anymore. Look, my hand burned off. I just have a nub at the end of my arm. Do you like that? Are you happy now? You won. And she's like, I don't care. Serve it.

She's like, I've done this dish for almost 16 years and I've never had a complaint about it being too hot. Now, I have had a complaint about having to eat sauce with the fork. But that's not this fight, is it? And Laura's like, well, would you pick it up with your hands? And she goes, you don't pick it up. She goes, it's a bowl. How are they supposed to serve themselves? With a spoon, Laura. Goddamn. Yeah.

And so she's lurping from the bowl like they're in an orphanage. Yeah, so she's just going to refuse to serve it on danger grounds. Like she's citing danger, like you're endangering the guests and not serving it. So now Serena's like, oh, this fucking bitch, this fucking bitch. And Laura's right behind her listening to her. She goes, watch out, it's hot. And she hands her another plate. And Laura's like, oh, well, now you're being a dickhead.

You're the one refusing to serve plates?" I literally could not. And I love this because I love screaming at the TV. I was like, "You shut the fuck, take the goddamn plate!" And then Zerita is hilarious. She goes, "Oh, I'm being the dickhead? You've been so unorganized. You're the one who came in too late." She literally lies. She just gas- This is her gaslighting.

And it works. It works like a charm on Lara. Lara loses her mind. She's like, too late for what? She goes, to come in. You were late. You showed up an hour late. What? Two hours late. What? You aren't even here today. Where's Lara? Why hasn't she checked in? I'm literally right here. I'm working. Oh, too bad. Too bad she decided to go on to the shore today when we're supposed to be working. Okay.

It's like, are you joking me? You actually have no right to say that, Serena. I am a head chief stew. And Jason hears this. So he's like over, he's listening, you know. And Serena tells Alicia, she's like, I don't even think she was late. I just wanted to wind her up a bit. Is that bad?

Miss Micromanager. I think this was a dumb move on Serena's part because Laura's already an idiot. You should just go off the stuff she's really doing wrong. Yeah, but then she's telling everyone I'm late when she knows I'm not late. And then it becomes Serena lying. Of course. It's totally unprofessional and it's going to come bite her in the butt. But as...

Good television. Great move. It was funny as all hell. But yeah, I mean, don't do this in a workplace. You don't like blatantly lie about your coworker because it's going to come out and then you look unprofessional and then you put your job at risk. Right. You have enough to stand on. She's refusing to serve a dish. You know, that's it.

So Alicia's like, oh my god, that is ruthless. That is cunning behaviour. Like, not to just tear at someone's personality, but their professionalism. Oh my god. So Laura's telling Ruth that

We just had a huge row. And she just told me I'm late for work. And that's why everyone was picking up my mess. And I'm like shaking. Honestly, I'm done with her. It's just so annoying though. How many times have I had to like do whatever with her? And Zarina's like, Zarina calls for Jason. She's like, I want to meet you in the galley. And so now Laura's like, oh, okay. She doesn't say I want to meet you in the galley, but like, I want to talk to you. And so now Laura's like, bring it on. Bring it on, bitch.

Not on the wonky call. Oh, my God. So she goes up and Jason's like, oh, my God, don't tell me there's more surprise wind. She's like, no, I just need advice because I just shouted it, Laura. You know, it's little things, but she doesn't let me say no to her. And if...

She has anything to do with me. She just doesn't care. You know, like this morning she came in guns blazing, telling Alicia to completely do the crew mess, like restocking, wiping down, doing floors. And I'm like, if you do that, she doesn't get a break. And it's just really interrupting the way I'm trying to run my galley.

Which, for this, I thought that was good. Like, she didn't get personal. She was just like, professionally, this is what she's doing that's making me crazy. Because Lara can't do that. Lara has to make everything some drama, you know? So I thought that was a smart move. And then Lara tells Brie, well, Serena got fired from my boat. I wonder why. Dun, dun, dun.

And Zarina says, you know, Lara and I have worked together on a boat before, and the beginning goes really well, then we started clashing, and she tried to take my sous-chef all the time to work in the interior, and because of that, I had to leave the boat. And then Lara tells us, actually, Zarina got let go from my last yacht. She pissed off the captain, he didn't like her food, her negativity was overwhelming. I bet she said she left 100%, and it cuts her being like, well, I left 100%. I left on my own terms.

So there's some intrigue about their past. I mean, this really has gotten, we saw this was going to happen from the very first episode of the show. They teased it and it's, it's really worse than I can imagine it getting. Well, I'm not surprised she left on your first book. Cause you're pulling the same shit you pull with every employee on this boat to turn each other against each other and have them work. So you can get your way. I mean, I can imagine on the boat before she, you know, when she wasn't on TV, she'd be like, fuck this. I'm not listening to this check. Bye. Yep.

So Zarina says it was very up and down on the first boat together. And she says that she has so much control. Like Lara had so much control on the other boat. And so she feels like she can just run this one. And now Zarina just wants to stick up for herself.

Yeah, so Jason's like, well, you know, there are two sides to the story. I always hear out the other side, but I can guarantee you this. For each side, I'll be in a kimono. She's like, great, thank you. So he's going to have a mediation later this afternoon. And he's like, if they're going to make it personal, it just won't work. You know, it's not good for morale. We don't want another circus. We just finished one. Because we did the circus-themed dinner, remember? Yeah.

Um, so now it's their clearing breakfast and it's time to haul anchor. And Zarina is, um, asking Nate how he's doing. He's like, well, I've lost my delirious energy. And she was like, well, we really need your positive vibes. Well, you don't look like you lost any. Oh, sorry. That was Alicia. Alicia's like, did you like my, my Nate impersonation? I just tried it out. Well, you don't look like you lost any energy, Nate. And he's like, oh, well, it's your smile. It gives me energy. Right.

She's like, where's my peeler? Then I can say, I find you appealing. That one always works. Is it weird to say I kind of miss the Johnny flirtations more than this? I mean, this is just, I don't know. I miss the days of, you are beautiful like special Greek flower. I've looked at nothing but you the entire day. You are like the wind in my sails. You are the coffee in my cup.

You are the blade to my knife. You are the key to an unlock that I'm unlocking. You are a sliding glass door that I'm slowly opening and creeping into at three in the morning. She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Creepy. You are your social security number, which I have learned in case you ever screw me over so I can steal your life.

So Alicia says that she finds Nate to be a bit of a Labrador, isn't he? He's just like panting, love, love me, love me. And he just loves to have fun. And I don't know, he's quite cute. And after everything that went down with Johnny emotionally, I'm just not in the mood to take on another conquest. I'm like, you knew Johnny for like four days. You guys made out and then he was gone. Let's stop acting like you just...

You just, that we're in like terms of endearment. Yeah. It's like, I mean, I'm a bit, and it's like, I'm a bit of a soft puffy, I guess, and a romantic, you know, I'm definitely finding her attractive. Here's the thing. I'm going to be 30 soon. Here's my seed. Here's the flower. Inject it, baby comes out. Know what I'm saying? I want a family. I want to settle down. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do it as immediately as possible. It's like, oh, calm, calm down. You're on a boat. Okay. You're on a boat.

You're on a boat, sir. So, um, Harry and Adair, this, this, this whole thing with Nate and Alicia goes on a little bit too long for my tastes. Like I was like, wow, this, they're still really talking about each other. And I don't care about either of them right now. And then all of a sudden we pivot to Harry and Adair and Adair has to do the thing where she goes in that like hole in the boat and takes that rod and pokes at the chain because they still have this like archaic way of handling the, the,

anchor so she's down there and Harry's like all you have to do in this make sure it doesn't pull up on top of each other make a pyramid it's hard to make that it's like okay what do I do with this thing it's like it's behind you but I don't know oh go watch out today oh my god chains in the stick and the stick and the chain oh my

"Why isn't anyone talking to me? Where's the communication?" It's a lot of drama. Why does he need to teach somebody new every week how to do the thing? Like, you already taught somebody last week it messed up, make them do it again until they get it right. Why does it have to be like a lazy Susan of people learning the chains? Maybe Adair should spend less time flaking the chain and cleaning the crew mess, and then the people who know how to flake the chain can flake the chain.

Ooh, flake chain burn. Yeah, flake that chain. So Jason's like, you having issues already? And he's like, yeah, I might swap out and go down there and flake with Sephiroth on flake duty, my rind. So Adair's like, I just can't get it. It's right there. I can't see it. And he's like, well, it should be coming up yellow. Let the chain out. Listen when I say stop. Let the captain talk. And she's like, hey, let the chain out for Harry.

It's like a lot of shouting and intensity out of nowhere because they don't even set us up that there's going to be this sort of scene. It's just we come right out of Alicia and Nate yammering about how they kind of like each other. And then all of a sudden it's like, I'm like, whoa, what is this pivot? And then we go to commercial. I was like, okay, I guess this is happening.

So Jason's not happy. I need good communication. I need to know where the anchor is at all times. Harry wanted to be a lead deckhand. He needs to use his voice like a lead deckhand.

So it works out. They get it down. And Eric's like, we've got to get better at that, guys. So then Maureen, they go say bye to everybody. And Eric's like, this is by far the best experience we've ever had. And just to say thank you, I want to give you guys a surprise. He lights a match and turns around and lights a fart on fire. He's like, there you go. Talk about a circus, bitch.

So then everyone goes inside, they change, and now it's time for the tip meeting. It's like, all right, good. It was great. Service was fantastic. Marina, you're doing well. You're really growing. I want you to park the yacht next time if you crash into a restaurant. Don't worry. It happens to all of us. The tip for this charter was $23,000. That's $17.70 per person. And by the way, that just shows you what energy can give you. Okay, and the helmet goes to Harry.

because he took a long time to watch Adair flake a chain. All right, you're lead deckhand. You got to open your mouth and start communicating a little bit more. Here it is, my friend. I have to say that was $22,000 more than I thought they were going to get. So I was impressed. Marina, you'll be flaking the chain next time. I just want to see you grow. All right. And Harry's so excited to have the hat.

And they get to go to dinner tonight. But first, Lara, stay here with Serena, please. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. So they stay. And Jason's like, Lara, Serena, I think it's time we air it out. Not leave anything we regret behind. So let's get to the point. Are you willing to get to that point? And Lara's like, no, not really. I'm not willing to get to the point. I don't really know what that means. Yeah.

But I'm not going to get to it. I'm done. And nothing I say is going to get through. So I'm just, I can't, I can't do this. I must leave. I can't. She gets up and pretend she's crying. What the fuck? You're not going to sit down and have a talk with your boss? What the fuck is wrong with you? And the minute she did that, I was like, she's doing that because she doesn't want Serena to be able to stand up for herself. She wants private time where she can complain to the captain about what a monster Serena is without being called on her bullshit.

Right. Which, by the way, to be fair, Zerreen got private time. So, you know. Yeah, but she wasn't being personal like Lara is. She was just like, here's my problem. Let's work it out. He called a meeting. She showed up to work it out. Whereas Lara is going to wait to be like, Zerreen is just crazy. Like, I don't understand. It's all gaslighting. It's all psychosis. Yes, she is going to do that. And the truth is, I cannot believe that she just marched out of there. I mean, that is your boss. That is the captain. I mean...

I mean, Laura is the one who has been really into hierarchy and people like, this is your job. This is my job. She's all about, you know, assigning labor to the appropriate places. And yet when it's time for her to actually sit down with the captain and have to have a tough conversation, the fact that she sort of storms off is a little shocking. I thought I was actually, I couldn't believe that she did that. So,

So she goes all the way down to her room and he follows her and she goes through people and everything and he goes through the people and everyone knows like something's going to happen. And Zarina's like, she can't even be an adult and have a conversation because she might actually have to admit that she has faults, including the fact that she is dreadfully late every single morning to work.

I noticed she just can't storm off to like the bow or somewhere where no one is. She has to go through the entire group of people gathered. She has to make sure to go right through the center of the crowd crying so that everybody's like, what's wrong with her? What has Serena done to this poor, poor blonde woman? So, um...

Now, Lara is in her cabin and then of course Jason comes in, he falls for her trap instead of radioing her and being like, once you get yourself together, it would be nice if we could try this again and you can come back up and act like a fucking adult. But instead he does what she wants and goes into her room where she's like, I mean, I do so much. I put everything together. And then Serena's got the audacity to say that I woke up late.

I'm just so mad at her. And you know, this whole Alicia thing, like I've had Alicia in tears saying she can't carry on. Now it's all lovey dovey. And I'm like, what? This is so weird. It's just so fake. I can't. Okay. There's so many things brought up here, but the Alicia thing, why are you going to criticize someone for a problem being brought to her attention? And she talked the problem out and worked it out with her. They fixed it and fixed it. And now everything's fine. Like, why is that a black mark on her?

Yeah, that's called good management. And like they – Zarina did the absolute right thing, which is first she had a conversation with her after hours, but then she went and she brought Alicia to the bow or the stern or whatever part of the boat that was, and they talked it out.

They fixed things. Zarina took accountability for her emotions getting in the way. And it's been groovy. And, like, you should be so happy, especially because what you don't realize is that one of your students is sobbing behind your back about all the workload, et cetera. So she's, like, she's obviously afraid to talk to you about it, unlike Alicia, who did talk to Serena about it.

Yeah. So Jason's like, let's just get you the end of the season. No passive aggressive stuff. You both are good friends and you don't want to walk out of here that in a way that can't be patched up again. She's like, got it. I'll be passive aggressive and we'll walk out of this never talking to each other again. Totally understand the assignment. Yeah.

So then Brie's like, oh, my God, are Serena and Laura OK? And she's like, I would say not. Serena decides to tell Lars that the reason she's so behind is because she's late for work. And I said, she was? And she says, no, she wasn't actually late. I just wanted to upset her. And I was like, that is brutal. And she's like, what?

Laura's on the verge of breaking down every day. She's the hardest worker I've ever seen. She's Rosie the Riveter. She's every woman who's ever needed to stand up and put on a leotard. How can you do this? She sacrificed three of her fingers touching that hot plate this morning, okay? She is a hero. Don't trigger her, okay? Let's take the triggers away.

So, Elise is also kind of two-faced, no? Damn. Well, she knows Bree's going to run right to Lara and tell on her.

I actually think that Alicia is just slightly dense. And I think that she really just was like, "I've gotta gossip with my girlfriend." And she probably... I hate to give her this grace, but I really think that she thought she was just gossiping and that was like, it was gonna stay between the two of them because they're kind of underlings. She thought it was like in the underling chat. But Brie, of course, is gonna immediately gossip and tell her... And we know, we know this is gonna happen, but...

I don't know. I just kind of think, I don't know. Maybe I should give Alicia more credit. I just see her as being like spacey.

Yeah. I see her as a two face, but a two face. I like, so Laura has nice lipstick. Yeah. So, um, Laura is checking on Nick and Marina. They're kissing and a dare is who cares. So they're going to go out. Right. So everybody's getting dressed up and going to dinner and now they're ordering dinner. And by the way, the funniest part about this all is that, um,

is that Lara and Serena share a room. It cuts to them just changing in silence. It's so awkward in that room. I can't believe they have not changed their cabins yet. Yeah, Serena says something to Lara and Lara just ignores her. She's like...

I can't speak. So then at dinner, they're just making small talk, you know, and Nick's like, I love tiny things. And Serena's like, I love tiny things too. And Harry's like, what about a small finger? Do you like a small finger? Nick goes, yeah, praise have been answered. Because he has really small fingers. He like, he was like, puts that up there. You know, at least he has lady boners. Like, oh, okay. Well, I'm a little less attracted now.

So then Harry, the guys go into the bathroom to have boys chat. There's like even a little graphic that's like boys chat.

Which is funny, boys chat's really having a moment on Bravo right now between this and the Valley. So Nate's saying how they're going to talk in the bathroom and they're going to talk about things and who they like. So he says, I know what my main, my plan is tonight. I'm a sucker for a cutie patootie. I didn't see a little pizzazz come from, come in my, I did see a little pizzazz come in my direction and I like it. I like if I'm liked, so I'm not going to beat around the bush, you know, pun intended, going in for it all.

Oh, I'm a cutesy-wootsy little man. I want cuddles. I like a little bit of flirting. All right. So the boys are like, yeah, bro, go get that girl. Will he get the girl? Will he not? Will he be left all on his own? We won't know because we're being interrupted by the fish report. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

All right, here's our first fish of the day. This I'm calling the cowfish. This looks confused as hell. I think this is an eel, but it looks like a very confused cow. It looks like a cow when you're driving too fast towards it. Have you ever seen that, Ben? Have you ever driven too quickly towards a cow?

Not at a cow, but maybe in the direction where the cow's on the side of the road. Yes, it's like a spectator cow that's by the highway being like, why are all these cows with wheels going so fast nearby? Yeah, he's like, don't hit me. I'm going to make milk. Okay, so there's that guy. Love the mora eel. Look, really just...

Oh, this fish over here. Okay. I love more eels. Always a top contender for me. This fish I was amused by mainly because it's the only fish that dared to go into the crevasse. You know, none of the fish go into the crevasse. This fish is like, I think there's something in there. And I applaud this fish for its intrepid behavior. Yeah. This fish is doing that movie where the guy gets stuck in the, in this, in the crevasse and the whole movie takes place with the guy stuck in there.

has to saw off its fin to get to release itself. - Yeah, it's sawing off its own fin. - It's also a color I would like my walls. Like it's a beautiful like ombre green blue. - It's a very simple fish, but it gets the job done. I applaud that fish. I would never go into that crevasse. That's a scary crevasse. - It's a brave, beautiful fish. Okay, so then we just get the basic stingray here, except we're getting under. My first thought was, "God damn it, you've got beautiful skin."

Let me tell you something: this stingray really stood out. There were a few stingrays tonight. This one stood out, because look how happy it is. While there's so much tension happening on the boat, you see Brie up there, you know, spiraling because she's doing laundry. You see, I think that's Lara holding a plastic bin. This ray is just having the time of its life. It is so happy, it just wants to be with its friends.

I am proud of it. It's content. And I would be too if I had no pores. I mean, the skin on this fish is fucking amazing. We credit red light. It's like, look at me. Okay. Now probably there's a battle for the most fabulous. We've got this thing. What the fuck is this? Is that an octopus? Yeah.

This is a, so this, we had an octopus last week that did some great work. And now that octopus is going for its Oscar. So it is doing the Charlize Theron and monster bit where it's like, put me in a bad hair wig and take off my makeup and let me win this award.

This fish is like a stripper fish, this octopus. Look at this part up here. I don't know what's going on up here, but it's just letting it all hang out. It's like, yeah, everybody. It's like the pervert fish. Like, put it away, sir. Put it away, all right? It's like, yeah. Sir, you're not allowed to be around schools or churches, okay? I'm worried about you. It's a really provocative role. I hear it's in the lead for a BAFTA award. This was all done in one take. Okay.

- Now this fish, what do you think of this fish? - I think this might just be coral. - Are you talking about the black fish? - No, I'm talking about this fabulous piece. - I think it's just coral. - Who cares? - I think it's just coral. - This is like a telenovela. This is like something a grandma in a telenovela, like a fabulous abuelita would be wearing. It was like, "Oh, how dare you try to take my family's business? I have you shooted."

This is like a coat she would wear. Fabulous. It's a beautiful coral. It's really showing up all the other coral. This one's just really got some great structure. It's very avant-garde. Appropriate because the Met Gala was last night. This one really stole a lot of attention on that red carpet. That's the star of the Met Gala. And then we go to this fish who's just basically like cleaning the floor.

This is the fish they should get to do the crew mess. This one right here. Yeah, it really should. It's giving Roomba. So we saw a smiling ray, but here's just a working ray. This ray is just like, you know what? Let me clean up this floor. I can't deal with this dust anymore. Your regular old working ray. And then we get to the most terrifying fish of all, this cat. Yeah.

This ungroomed cat who is on water now, or on land now, and he's coming for your pasta. Yeah. Honorary mention to the cat who's going to make its way into the fish report. This fish turning into a cat, like, catnip.

So who's your number one? Who's your number one of the week? Well, of course, it's this pervert octopus. This pervert. Listen, I'm not for, you know, dangling your dinger down the street, but he's doing it. And I've got to respect his audacity. Yeah. You know, I like the smiling Ray, but I have to say second week in a row, I just got a

i just got to give it to the moray eel i just love the way i love the way he just puts that head right out there catches the light he finds his light and he's also got like a very striking shadow it's a beautiful shot let's you know what maria eel

You really won my heart over this week. I'm proud to be a cowfish. And that brings us to the end of the Fish Report. Thank you for watching. Okay, so now we go back to the table, and Brie, of course, is tattletailing immediately to Lara. They're at the bathroom now. Now the girl's like, let's go to the bathroom, because we're girls. The boys can have boys shot, the girls can have girls shot. So they go, and Brie's like, um, I need to tell you something, but without...

here and she's like without who without Ursula over there let's go to the bathroom talk it out she goes well Alicia told me that Serena said something to you about waking up late but she said I just did it to make her mad oh

I don't get the mentality of it. I don't get why you'd want to wind someone up or say something to upset someone. Like, I don't get it. It just shows me that I just can't trust Serena. Yeah, but she can't trust you because you were trying to steal her people away from her and you're trying to take over her department. And also, you're undermining her in many different ways all the time. So, you know what? All's fair.

Yeah, so then Harry, yeah, I think it was a dumb move by Serena and it's going to come get her right now when she could have had the upper hand. So Harry is checking with Serena because, you know, Serena's not happy. So, I mean, her only conversation so far has been about little fingers. And then all the girls went to the bathroom without her. So she's all left out. And she's like, emotionally, I like catapulted back to high school. It was just that, God, clicky, bitchy bullies, you know.

Why am I cast to play Hagrid in Harry Potter? Why? Why never Hermione? Why? Harry said, well, what happens? Well, she won't talk to me. She won't look at me. I fucking want my friend. He's like, well, you've got your friend. No, I don't. She fucking hates me. Oh, God. Maybe if she showed up on time for once, she'd have time for me. Okay, well, she doesn't hate you at all. Well, I thought this was going to be our season that we take over and we laugh and...

"Oh, we were gonna be amazing and now she hates me. She hates me, Harry." And she's crying. She's like, "The onesies and I've even considered going blonde." And Lara hears it and she's like, "I don't buy it." It's a real shit show. A real shit show with these two. Well, I guess we'll have to wait to see what happens next week. Looks like Alicia... Alicia...

The crew mess issue lingers on next week, and it's going to reach a dramatic head when Alicia goes and and gallivants in the ocean instead of cleaning the crew mess. So we'll see how that all pans out. I love a good crew mess cleaning storyline. And it's really it's really heating up.

Yeah, because one thing, you know, I say Alicia is two-faced, but a good thing about that is she's sideless. You know, she doesn't take a side, so she can piss everybody off equally, which I think you need on these shows. That's a good point. So we'll find it out soon enough, everybody. Thanks for being here. Go get tickets for Austin and Dallas this week over at WatchWhatCrapHands.com, and you'll get tickets the same place for Seattle.

Los Angeles and Las Vegas coming up in the next few weeks. We'll see you there. If you want these on videos, go over to Patreon. This week, we're going to do a preview of Real Housewives of Mijami. So go over there and check that out. We love you guys. We'll see you soon. Bye.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I don't know.

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