#2831 Love Hotel 0102: Going After The Ralph-a Male
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Happens when there's so much that happens

Hello, hello. Well, everyone, we're getting down to it. Just a few days away from our big Texas shows. It's a doubleheader, kind of. We have a show Friday night in Austin at Emo's where we are recapping this week's Summer House. And then the next night in Dallas, we are going to recap a classic Vanderpump Rules episode. It's going to be season six, episode five, sex, lies, and audio tapes.

That is the episode where Brittany goes, So that's gonna be a lot of fun. Tickets are at watch what crap happens.com or I should say links to the tickets are there. Also then next week, we're doing our very, very, very first ever Vegas show. So excited for that. Can't wait to finally give Vegas some love for many years. We talked about doing a Vegas show and yeah,

like six years out, I think after we first hatched the plan, it is finally happening. So come join us next week for, uh, for, I think we said we're going to be doing summer house in Vegas as well. Right? So it's going to be a super fun time. Uh,

over there. And then in June, we have just added a Seattle show. And then the following week will be an LA show. So come join us for those. And that will be the grand finale of the Mounting Hysteria Tour, which has really been so much fun to spend the first half of this year doing. So thanks to everyone who's come out to see us. And we can't wait to see the rest of you in these last few shows of the tour. So with that being said, also check out our Patreon page.

patreon.com slash watch for crap ends where we uh you can watch us with crap is on demand and you have access to our bonus episodes we do trailer trashes where we break down various trailers but also starting june 3rd love island is back and you know what that means it's gonna be some fun times on patreon so get ready for that in the meantime today i hope you're in the mood for love ronnie because we are going back to the love hotel

How are you feeling so far this second episode? Good. I thought it was really funny and fun. How'd you like it? I think it's great. I think the show's really good. I'm actually surprised. Yeah. And I think the four women together have a really fun dynamic, which I'm really, really enjoying this one. Yeah, me too. And I like that the guys are kind of crusty. I've read a lot of comments like, God, I wish the guys were hotter. I don't.

Because those guys are all worried about Instagram followers and stuff like that. These are just crusty guys. I think they just want their minimum wage and their free buffets. And I'm into it. It's a different breed than you would get on a normal dating show.

Yeah, I think that they're just right for this cast. Because you do have some hot people. You have Wale, you've got Jay, who I think are certifiably hot. And I think that even Ralph, as a guy who's 61, is a fairly hot 61-year-old guy. And then you have just decently looking men. I appreciate that these... It just feels like the proper casting. And maybe Nick is...

I don't know. I didn't I don't I didn't I've never really enjoyed the inclusion of Nick on this show. But we also have a whole bunch of new guys coming through. So I'm excited. Which one's Nick? The Bitcoin investor crypto guy. Oh, yeah. He's a cheeseball.

Yeah. But I kind of like to draw a little crusty and I think it's funny that everyone's like, oh my God, they need hotter guys. When have these people ever dated hot guys? We've watched all of their shows. These are not ladies known for dating hot guys. Luann married Tom. Okay. Yeah. Shannon would have married Tom.

Johnny J. Then you've got Ashley with Michael Darby. Giselle's had a couple of cuties. Giselle's had hot ones. Yeah, Giselle's, but, you know, 75%. Yeah, I mean, Luann's track record, I mean, Luann is, Luann is smoking hot, but her track record is Tom, Jacques, and Alex, aka, and none of them are making the centerfold of any, anything that even has a centerfold. It doesn't matter what magazine or calendar, they're just not making it.

Okay, so we start off with Wale working out with Ashley. And that's Ashley's love language, you know? Just a man to work out with. So that's cute. And Giselle's doing the most romantic thing, I think, out of all the ladies. She is just eating alone in her room.

Yeah. And Candace Luan is she's trying to do a handstand. And Mark, who is the older man with the beard, he's trying to spot her, but he doesn't do a good job because she just falls over. You're trying to kill me. Oh, no, I had you. Skinny Santa. Murder by Skinny Santa. So then Ashley is sitting at the dining table with Bitcoin Nick and Santa comes over and they're going on. Hi, Amy.

whatever, good morning, and talking about their days. And Mark's like, oh, God, yeah, awkward times with Jerry, okay? God, that was a real rough time with Jerry today. She's like, what was he giving you a hard time about? Luann. And then we find out that Jerry confronted Mark because he asked out Luann. Yes.

Yeah. And so we see a flashback to last night where Luanne goes, well, Mark, I'm impressed by your yoga-esque, would you say? I would say you're very into yoga. He's like, well, thanks. I would love to do yoga with anyone who wants to do it. I'll do yoga. Let's teach a class. Okay, let's do it. This is the thing that got Jerry super jealous. And then we see a clip of Jerry confronting Mark. He's like, I think that's dirty. It's wrong. I gotta be honest with you, Hav.

And he's like, asking her to do yoga is not asking her out on a date. It's asking her to do yoga. What the heck? It's a date where I come from. Put them up. Would you put them up?

And so Mark back to the president is like, yeah, the sequence of me talking to him first, you know, like I'm not talking to him first. And I did. That's what he said. I didn't talk to him. And I thought I did. And I said, dude, I'm not going. I'm going. I'm going for your girlfriend. It's not like I said that or whatever. So they're like all in a fuss over this stupid yoga thing. And she's like, wow, Jerry clearly has eyes for one woman. Granted, his eyes only come up to her navel. Show a shot of him just like being so much shorter.

So then we see Jerry and Luann walking side by side. And Ash is like, well, it doesn't matter. I mean, he only sees one woman. He's madly in love with her. It's only day two, guys. Calm down.

I don't think that he's madly in love. I just see him as someone who's just like territorial. He's like, I went on a date with Luann and we sat in an oversized oyster shell. And so therefore we're just connected and she's mine now. It's bro code. Let's have an E-Trade off. You show your E-Trade and I'll show mine. We'll see who's better invested, mother trucker.

So, um, so then Luanne comes down and now she's like, oh, Lou, so Mark was saying that he had an interesting interaction with Jerry this morning. Oh, really? Were you guys singing cabaret? Some candor and ebb? That is interesting. Tell me more. No, they were, they were fighting over you. Oh, really? Let me see your face, Mark. Any bruises? Did you get punched in the nose? So I love that Luanne doesn't even care. She's like, whatever. What else is new?

I leave them fighting wherever I go, girls. So Giselle comes in. She's like, good morning, good morning. Which, you know, Giselle's not comfortable with these people because she did not come in saying, good morning, good morning. Yeah. She did not. She goes, the block is hot, y'all. The block is hot. Mark, did you tell y'all? Who knows the tea about Mark and Jerry-ah?

So then Jerry comes in, he's like, wait, hold on a second. Is he talking about me behind my back? Behind my back? Okay, now that calm and cool Jerry came out, you know, like my calm and cool Jerry came out. Luann, you look beautiful, by the way. Absolutely beautiful. It's like, whoa, bro, you're coming in a little too hot about this whole stupid yoga thing. Yeah. But, you know, as we learned last week, a lot of these people look at it as their last chance. Like the guy last week who was like, this is it.

I've got, he was like the Carol Radzwell of the cast. He's like, I've got one good summer left.

This is it. So I think they're a little more defensive, you know? Yeah. So Giselle's like, yes, at the pool this morning, Jerry was like, that's my woman. Nah, you don't have right to talk to my woman. Nah. And Mark is like, who the hell are you? And in my mind, I'm like, fight, fight, fight, fight, make this a good show. So they're asking Luann how it feels to be fought over. And Giselle's like, oh, she says this is an average Tuesday for me, honey. Luann's like, oh, yeah.

Wow, you have two men verbally fighting over you. Oh my god, Luann! And she goes, oh god, Jesus Christ and Captain of the Sea. I mean, you gotta love it. Where do they find these guys? Is Chuck E. Cheese next in line? God. Well, the only one that's fighting over me is a potted plant in the corner of my room, I believe. I don't think anyone's really fighting for me. Well, I guess there's Earl the Pearl. Congratulations to me, I got Earl the Pearl fighting for me. Oh god, I'm happy.

Well, what would you happen if guys were fighting over? What would happen to you if guys were fighting over you, Sanders? I would just feel so bad. I would feel terrible, terrible for the man. So Joel comes out and he's like, hello, lovebirds. Can we come to the couch? Wow. I heard there's major rom-com moments happening for some of you guys.

Yeah, well, he had a fantastic date and then he sealed the date with a nice little kiss at the end of the night. He's like, I'm so glad you went back.

And so Nick is telling us, he's like, I'm so jealous. I mean, I hope I get the chance to just fucking lay it all, like lay one-on-one with her and give Ashley, like Ashley, like I just want one date with her and I can just show her what I'm all about. So Joel's like, ladies, on your itinerary today, you have a group date and there's a slight menage twist to this group date. You'll take out not one, but two men.

And Giselle's like, how dare you? No one wants to go on a threesome except Ashley. Now, gentlemen, you might get asked on multiple dates and the power shifts to you and you can decide which lady you want to have a menage a trois with. And Luann's like, ooh la la, menage a trois. Ooh la la, menage a trois. It's it, Ross. I'm a musician. That's called art.

I was married to a Frenchman, so I sort of understand that phrase a little bit more than everyone else here. Shannon's like, oh, me and two people. I mean, I have never done that. I mean, Tres Amigas is one thing, but Tres, Tres, Tres, Dos, Dos Boys and one Shannon. That's a bit much for me. I mean, there's no threesomes in my past or any time in my future. Not that anyone...

Not that there's two men who want to be with me, but that's fine. I guess I'm just not Luann. That's okay. That's okay. I'm just so happy for Luann, though. This is a big day for her. Um,

So they're going to have two dates at one time. And Joel's like, do you think they can handle Ashley? And we see a flashback to Michael and I have been in other situations where we've been with other people before. And Wendy's like, oh, a threesome, which that whole day was overshadowed because that was the big fight in the wine barn. Wherever they were. I recognize Ashley's pilgrim coat thing that she wore.

Well, okay, Joelle, I would like to start the process, and I would like to ask my first person in my menage a trois. We're not doing a real menage a trois. Okay, yes. Can we have a meringue a trois? I would love three meringues. Can I pick that? Bring me three meringues. I don't care what flavor they are.

The first gentleman, he is the one who, the supermarket version of him, I told my daughters, they are not allowed to step into ever in their lives. Ralph, please, would you come on my menage a trois with me? I mean, I felt comfortable with Earl, but I need to spread my wings. I need to get no more people. I want some hotties on my roster. So, sorry. Sorry, Earl.

My name is not Earl when it comes to choosing people. Okay. And Earl's like, well, I mean, we're all here to find our future partner. And if she thinks that someone would, someone else would be better for her. I'm okay with that. Look, there's a lot of fish in the sea, especially in hot Lanta. And I'd be disappointed, but I'll be happy for the other person. It's okay. I'm just Earl.

So she picks Ralph and Ralph's like, oh, I'm incredibly flattered. You know, Shannon, what a beautiful woman. Let me tell you something about Ralph. I don't know much about Ralph. That man looks like a hemorrhoid. Okay. That man looks like he's got a very sore butt and a very big hemorrhoid. He just has like Frank Catania senior energy.

I feel like he looks like DreamWorks animation. You know how like Disney animation looks one way. I feel like he looks like DreamWorks animation, like a DreamWorks animation. Like he should be in some cartoon where he plays like a, like a sentient rock that helps someone on their journey, you know?

Yeah. Okay. You don't have to. So he's like, I'm flattered. Shannon's beautiful, but it's mixed emotions because Earl's smitten. I don't want to feel like I messed up Earl's life. You know,

So she was like, well, also, Jay, would you like to go on a date? He's like, absolutely. And she explains, because I think we're all a little surprised. She goes, well, I'm asking Jay because I want to get to know him more. Also, I did think he was the waiter. And so I accidentally asked him on a date when I didn't.

really just wanted a margarita. So, anyway, I can talk to Giselle about him and, oh gosh, you know, like, I really want him and Giselle to be together because that means that she can lay her hands off of my Ralph. So now Ashley gets to pick and she chooses Nick.

Because Bitcoin. And then she picks Jerry as the second. And she's like, "Well, Jerry's a buffer, you know? I mean, he's a buffer on my Mandashitwa, because if I brought Wale, I wouldn't have time to get to know Nick. So, there we go." And poor Wale is left out. He's like, "Near, near, near. But I worked out with you today." "Well, it's my turn, cabaret star selecting.

I feel like Mark and I had a yoga session this morning and not really a date date. He did drop me on my ass, which I was simultaneously disappointed by and harassed by. So I'm going to take Mark skinny Santa. Let's see what gifts Santa baby come and do yoga with me. Line at three. Okay. And Ralph, you can choose between the loser Shannon over there or me. What do you want? Losers or winners? What are you going to pick?

songbirds or house crashers what is it and he's like uh do i gotta pick right now she's like think about it all right move on to giselle all right shut up joel i'll take over giselle you go

Well, Phil, I would like to take you out because I noticed you have some expensive clothes. Because at this point, Phil really hasn't talked to Essence that much at all. Phil's an odd dude. Phil just sits there with a smile and a big old chunky Luann necklace. And he's like, what the fuck?

I love to be here on the beach. What a glorious day. The sun's a-shining, the winds a-whisping. Is this guy tripping? What is it? At first, I thought maybe he was kind of gay. It looks like there's always a musical going on in his head. And as gays, we know that look. But now I think he's just a Californian. He's just very like...

"I have a home in Valais, I'm rich as hell, and none of the poor's can reach me. Happy as hell." He's just somewhere listening to Dave Khaas, you know, enjoying a nice afternoon. So Giselle's like, "Phil is giving distinguished gentlemen dresses impeccably, Gucci down to the socks, and I think I like it. I forgot to see if Phil can tuck as well as he can dress." So basically she sends his money, and that's all she cares about, because his personality is not there. He has no personality that we can see, at least.

Yeah, it's very like hosted a restaurant, you know, like, welcome in. We've got your favorite wine being cooled. Please have a seat, you lovely, gorgeous people. How are the children? You know, just like that service smile, that customer service smile.

So then we see a flashback to Shannon and Alexis fighting over John Jansen. And Giselle's like, well, however, every time Shannon has a man, one of her friends is like, somebody takes her man. So I feel kind of bad for her, but not that bad. I'm taking him.

Yeah, so because she has said that she's also selected Ralph. So she's like, I've got to stay on brand for Shannon. So Shannon's like, oh, wow, that's just great. So Joel's like, oh, so it's going to be a mad dash to Ralph after we're done here. And Ralph's like, whoa, this is really cool and uncomfortable at the same time. Whoa, this is wild. This is crazy. Oh, wow.

I want to have a one-on-one with Ralph from the get-go, so I looked at Ralph and I said, "That's my guy!" I saw him and I said, "That is my guy!" This is a man who is going to be nice to me for a year and then will be terribly passive-aggressive for the rest of our relationship. He's mine, ladies! I sensed that this man would possibly hear me having a drunk driving accident and ignore it, and I just find that so attractive.

But unfortunately, he was stolen right out from under my wings. So take it, ladies. Now Ralph has to decide. And who's he going to pick? He's intrigued by Giselle because of those eyes, those beautiful eyes. And Shannon's like, well, I'll tell you what I don't like.

No ice and iced tea. Why else would you call it iced tea? Don't go to London. Also, Ralph not picking me. That wasn't great either. Didn't love that. So, I was like, well, Giselle is gorgeous. And I don't blame Ralph for picking Giselle. I'm just kind of surprised because I thought he was kind of looking at me. I mean, not you, Shannon. You were never in the running. But, like, honestly, me, though. I thought I had a shot. Well, I...

I thought that I had some chemistry with Ralph. No, you didn't. I'll just say to you right now, you're an Earl the Pearl kind of lady, and that's just what you're late in life. All right? But me, I'm a Ralph girl all the way. What the fuck is going on over here? I like that Shannon goes, well, I got another pick then, don't I? Okay. Well, Ralph was my first pick. That didn't work out. So I pick Earl.

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So then Joel's like, everyone dated up. And Wale's like, uh, hi, I'm the hottest one here. And I'm actually not been chosen at all. Well, you're coming with me, whoever you are. I haven't talked to you the entire time, but you've got a nice smile and, uh,

I don't know. It doesn't look like you can afford my lifestyle, but you can try. Get on over here. She's like, Wally, you're coming with me. Wally. All right, Wally world. Get over here. So, um, and now we go on these cheap ass dates, which are more, you know, folding tables set up on the beach. And, uh, Giselle is first with Ralph and Phil and she's like, so do you know each other? Do you like each other? What's going on? And she's just making small talk.

And then Joel's like, today I've planned a fiesta of love filled with Mexican cuisine and authentic culture. How spicy? Let's see.

So it's basically a buffet on the beach, courtesy of the hotel. And they're all getting their food. And Luanne's like, so Wally, were you scared of Ashley? And Wally is like, yeah, I'm, you know, like, he's basically like, oh, because she goes in and she's like, oh, hey, you've got like some food on your face or something like that. And she comes in like really close. And it looks like she's going to kiss him. And he's like, oh, I'm glad you didn't do that. Because he's really...

He's really into Ashley. It's like, were you scared, Ashley? And Ashley's like, oh my God, gross. So Wally's like, yeah, you know, I was hoping that she wouldn't do that. And I saw Ashley. She cared. She really cared. She really cared if she was going to lick that mango off my face. So we go to Giselle sitting with Ralph and Phil talking about ages. They're 61 and 63. And Phil's like, what's your ideal man, Giselle? And she's like, ideal man? Nah.

I like a nice gentleman that I'm attracted to. And you're both that, I suppose. And I need to laugh. You haven't made me laugh. And money, money, lots and lots of money. So be rich and make me laugh. So far, Phil has the money. You are just a sound engineer and neither of you made me laugh. So get to work.

Just all basically is like, yeah, you need to like, you know, if you want to take my panties off, you need to make me laugh. You don't have to be Dave Chappelle, but like at least be like a little witty, which is

I'm like, "Then why did you wind up with Jason Cameron?" I guess he's just super hot. So Giselle's like, "If you're able to laugh at yourself, then that just speaks to your comfortability as a person." I'm like, "Neither of these guys are gonna be able to do that. Just look at them." Like, Bill and Ralph, these are not guys who I'm seeing are like a barrel of laughs here. - Yeah, if you want a guy to make you laugh, why did you pick these two guys? They're like the two quietest guys out of all of the guys.

So then we go over to Luann and Mark's like, well, about our date today. It wasn't a date. We were working out. All right. It was a namaste. Keep it in your pants, Mark. And Wally is like, wait, why are you minimizing the time you spent with Mark? That's not cool. She's like, I'm not. It was just a gym thing. You know, we're getting to know each other. We were doing handstands. Buy me something. That's a date.

I mean, I remember when I went on my first date with Tommy Tune. Was he gay? Sure, but it was still a date. We had a great time. We bought champagne, martinis, caviar. That's a date. Not doing corpse pose on the floor of some hotel gym. Am I right, everyone? Mm-hmm. And Mark's like, ah, what a wise ass. I sure love that lady. We got a real connection. She's always looking for action, and so am I. Mm-hmm.

So while it's like, well, you do have a crazy core. I'm sure you can do all those those stances. And Mark's like, yeah, good, strong, good legs, strong legs. Oh, boom, boom. That's right. Cabaret keeps you in shape, guys. So then Luanne kicks her leg up. Aha. I'm 50, 50 years old. I've been married twice. I learned a lot from those marriages. And by a lot, I mean very little. Anyway, Mark kind of reminds me of what I had before, which is sort of garbage with a beard. All right.

It's a dead-end relationship. You know what I believe. Never look back, am I right, ladies? So then we see a flashback to her with Tom and Tom talking about how he wants a hall pass, like when they were together for five minutes. And then we see Luann talking about how she could be a real housewife again with Mark.

But she's not going to do that. So she's like, you know, I don't know about you because Ashley's taking up all of your time, Wally. So I think Ashley likes you. What do you think about that? He's like, oh, she's beautiful. And who puts her outfits together? Like, that's not something he does not watch Potomac. It's definitely not Giselle's stylist. So it was like, okay, I've got an idea for you. Okay, this is my way of getting you out of my hair because I have nothing to say to you.

why don't you write a note for her and you can deliver it to her and then we'll go hide behind a rock and we don't talk the rest of this date okay he's like well during the event yes there's only the now darling only the now also by the way to the pope rest in peace darling so he's like okay i guess give me some paper and you're gonna give me some tips on how to write the note yes okay here's what you write fuck me at 3 p.m all right take it to her here's what i want you to say i want you to say

Look over at Shannon, wink, and then run to Luann and stick your tongue down her throat. All right, you got that? Go. So he writes the note, and he brings it, and Ash is talking to Nick and Jerry, and Nick is like, um, hey, so have you done two guys before? Like, oh, no, I don't mean it like that. Whoops. And she's like, um, yeah, let's maybe change the phrasing, huh?

So then Giselle is asking Phil and Ralph questions about if they get bored in relationships. And Ralph's like, nah, it takes me a while to get in. But once I'm in, I'm in there. Between football, baseball, the kids' games, sometimes I'll have a little room for some romance. She's like, oh, okay. Are you cautious? Because you guys are very mature men. And that's very hard to find these days. Most of them are dead. Men don't live very long these days. Dead of hemorrhoids. Right, Ralph? I'll stick with it.

Yeah, you know, unless you've taken some lumps, you're not my people. Oh, Ralph, lumps is kind of a five-letter word when it comes to housewives. We don't like the lumps. We do a lot of surgeries to get rid of them, okay? I'm talking about lady lumps. And he's like, yeah, well, if you've had this really nice midlife, you probably don't have anything in common. The people that have taken the lumps...

had, you know, had to bob and weave and build character and make their bullshit easier to take and get to detect and get rid of. Okay, Ralph. Okay. Ralph's like, I need a lady with bootstraps, bootstraps that she pulls up in the morning and can take on the day. It's like, okay, Ralph. Okay. Yeah. These ladies have had their lumps. Don't you worry. Just watch the show. If you watch the show, you would see the lumps. Okay. But you don't watch TV. So there's that. So Giselle's like, he's a cool back daddy. He's just so laid back. No drama.

I like that. And Ralph's like, well, you've got to find... Oh, Ralph, you've got to find somebody with a similar past. I mean, I'm on a double date. I'm talking to you. Why am I talking to this guy? What am I hitting on this guy? Hey, guy, are you taking any lumps? Probably not, fruitcake. Am I right? This guy.

No, this is good. Someone might be able to chime in. So then, meanwhile, Shannon's sitting with Earl and Jay. Oh, so can I, do you mind, can I reach in for one of your tacos? I'll have the chicken, please. Okay, thank you so much. I don't normally like to eat on dates, but unfortunately, I cannot resist a good taco. Well, I normally wouldn't eat on camera, but Ralph didn't pick me, so I guess it's time to take medicine. A taco.

Earl, have you ever watched a woman spiral on a date? Because it is happening right here. Pass the tacos, please. Taco, taco Tuesday. He's like, well, Shannon, if it makes you feel any better, I've got some fresh trauma for you. Oh, oh, do you? Okay, please go on. Well, I was married twice and the first one was only for about a year and a half. We didn't have kids. I've seen it. No, no, no, no. This is new. This is new. This is a new one. All right.

I had a stepson and I loved him to death. And when I filed for divorce, she never let me see him again. Oh, God. Oh, Earl. Oh, Earl. You're so scary. Soothe me with your pain. Oh, Earl. I've got more. I've got more. Oh, Earl. I can make this better. Okay. Okay. So he left my life when he was 11.

And I promised him my motorcycle would be there for him when he comes back. Was it dangerous for me to let an 11-year-old drive a motorcycle up and down the street unsupervised? Perhaps. But it was our thing. And I let him have that thing. And to this day, that motorcycle is sitting in my garage. It's been there for 15 years, unused and untouched. Earl, is it under 350cc? Because I can't drive a car right now. So I would love to borrow your motorcycle if you've still got it. Yes, ma'am.

Um, Earl, that was a lovely story, but you have to excuse me. I spilled some coleslaw from this taco on my skirt. So please put a pin in that motorcycle thing. I'll be right back. I love that Earl is just sharing so much. He's an open book and I consider myself an open book. Of course, I'm more of a, um,

I don't know. Daniel Steele. And he's more of a Britannica encyclopedia that your mother makes you to read when you're very young and have nothing else in the house. But no one wants to read her. Oh, we're kidding. Can I have another taco?

He is an open book, and his books make me cry a lot. So in many ways, he's like a Nicholas Sparks, although I'm not very attracted to him. So he's sort of like a Nicholas No-Sparks, but that's fine. He's a very successful author, and I'm very happy for him.

So then Ashley is still with Nick and Jerry and she's like, all right, let's get to the meat of the matter. Have you dated a black woman? And they're both like, oh, first. Did you? First. Do we have our tacos yet? Should we have our tacos before we talk? Hey, what's Earl the Pearl up to? I think he's telling a cool story over there. She's like, it's a yes or no question. Have you or haven't you? And then Giselle is asking the same question of her guys. And, um,

Ralph's like, "Hmm." And she goes, "Wow, you said that quick. Have you or not, Phil?" And he goes, "I am black." He's like, "That didn't answer my question. Some black men don't date black women." And he goes, "Well, I don't know many of them, but I've seen them at grocery stores. Does that count?"

so then jerry uh back to ashley jerry's like yeah i did i i did a black girl in high school and her name was angel and she goes um and nick is like oh my god you remember her name he's like yeah i'm not like a piece of like you doesn't remember the girls that he dated and ash ashley's like oh my god mr nick oh wow nick you did live in west africa which i did not realize this so nick lived in west africa and he's like yeah but i never dated anyone from there um

Yeah, I never dated a black woman. She's like, oh, okay, well, that surprises me a lot.

Yeah, and he's like, "So, have you ever dated a white guy?" And she's like, "Oh my God, that's so funny. It's like so weird because like I'm famous like literally everywhere I go. So everyone already knows who I'm married to. But yeah, you don't watch TV. So that's cute. I'm huge. I'm a huge stuff." He's like, "I've not only dated a white guy, I dated a disgusting white guy." "Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings?" "Yeah." "It's a pretty huge movie."

I wouldn't classify Michael as white. More like gray. I'm not sure. So... Have you ever been to a vet and seen a really old dog that's about to be put down with his eyes watering like that? Confused and watering? Yeah, that was my ex-husband. So, that was fun. Have you ever seen a hairless cat? So, then...

Giselle's still talking to... She tells Phil that he looks like one of the Jacksons. And she's like, did anyone ever tell you you look like one of the Jacksons? And he's like,

"I think I've gotten into a few parties because they think I'm a celebrity of some sort. That's typical LA." I was like, "Why do you make—how are you making the 'I was confused as one of the Jacks' into a boring story?" Come on, Phil. Come on, let's get some energy going on over here. Yeah, like, people think I'm a celebrity all the time, being in LA. I have a home base in Paradise Valley, Arizona, and I have a home in Valley Island. Yes, people think I'm famous quite often.

Here's a question. How is Bel Air not the home base? Wouldn't you want Bel Air to be the home base? Or do you think he just... He probably is able to get a larger place in Paradise Valley, huh? Taxes. Taxes? Taxes, yeah. Do they have small homes in Bel Air? Well, maybe you don't have as much land. I don't think they have small homes, unless you're like...

a service person. Yeah. So Phil's like, well, you know, living in Los Angeles, there's just so many ways to meet people, but how do I connect with my soulmate that's been missing in my life? I've really focused on raising my son. I focused on my career. That's probably why I'm single. That's probably why. Right, guys? Right. Well, also because you're kind of like Carol Channing on Quaaludes, but I don't know. Who am I to judge?

Yeah. Such an odd dude. He is really odd. He's just speaks very slowly and without any energy. And I feel like I've never stopped that smile. It's just like, yeah, he's a little bit. Yeah.

So Giselle's like, "LA is the worst, ah!" He's like, "Why is it the worst?" He's like, "Because, just like, what are these people doing here? Does anyone have a job, bah?" I'm like, "You're the one who has professionally walking around during the day doing nothing." Gonna say. "What do you do again?" "You're the one taking your daughter to the container store every episode, okay?"

It feels like, "You have to be in the right environment. I live in Bel-Air. So, yes, that's different. It's gated. So, it feels different. I'm not walking among the streets among the unwashed and jobless. I'm in Bel-Air." You've heard of that? Yeah, he has such a casual flex. He's like, "Well, when I'm in my gated community,

It's funny because when you go out into some disgusting place like Hollywood, you're like, what do all these people do for work? Does anyone have a job? But when you come to my gated community and you see everyone sitting around on their sofas eating bonbons, you say, ah, gainfully employed people at last. Do you even have an Arizona's?

In Los Angeles? What a crazy town. He's like, I own a piece of Paradise Valley, Arizona. Over there, we just called Zaz. So Giselle's like, Phil is like a whole man, a whole creepy man. He's established. He's fancy. He knows what he wants. He's refined. She would not be giving this man one piece.

shred of attention if it were not for the fact that he wears designer clothing. And now that he's dropped Bel Air in there a few times and gave it to me, he has now found a toehold on this. Yeah, admittedly. She doesn't even hide it. She's like, well, he's a creep, but he's rich. So let's try and make this work. And I like that he goes, oh, you know, Bel Air, beautiful view. You've got mountain views, city views. It's a different feel than if you're out in Hollywood or something like that.

I was like, ouch. He just slapped Ben on the ass. That's what you get for all your Valley comments. I know. It long lasts. Well, no, look. The Hollywood shade doesn't come often on Bravo, but when it does come, it comes on pretty strong. Let's never forget the moment when Lisa Vanderpump went to Hollywood. It was like, eww! Oh, no! It was like the scene in Big Business when they get kicked out of the cab and have to walk through the Bronx area.

Yeah, it's like when a hazmat suit. You want to go to rock and roll school? Why would you do this to me, Max?

Yes, beautiful views in Bel-Air, unlike Hollywood, where you look at a skunk standing on a dumpster being attacked by a crazy person. It's not quite the same. So then Giselle's like, Phil, my man, you are talking my language. You are telling me about your two homes. I can see myself in Bel-Air sipping margaritas, going to Malibu. He walks and talks like a man with money, and I sniffed him out. Da!

So then back to Nick and Ashley. Nick's like, you're four beautiful women, and I had to choose two guys to come on this date? Like, I mean, you had that connection with that other guy, Wale. So why don't you choose Wale? And Wale comes over. He's like, hey, guys. He's got his little note. And Nick's like, god, motherfucker, come on, dude. Mm-hmm.

And so he drops off the note and Jerry is Jerry's basically like, oh, he's, excuse me. I keep on burping up. It's like Jerry's like, he's, he's romantic. And Nick is like, well, I would love to have a one-on-one with you. Well, when's that going to happen? He's like, I don't know. Like, wow, you're really, you're really spitting a lot of game there, Nick.

You really know how to woo a woman. Ashley's like, let me read this note. Okay. Roses are red. Violets are blue. My name is Wale and I just fucked Lou. Wait a minute. Suck it, bitches. So then Luann, meanwhile, she's now giving more tips to Wale. Luann has the...

Luann every now and then on these shows gives her dating tips and they're so over the top. She's like, okay, well, Wally, you just elevated yourself. Good job. Okay, you sent a girl a note. So now next, find her lipstick, put it on and kiss the mirror. He's like, whoa, whoa, that's a bit much.

Put on her panties, do a couple of squats, and leave them in her Kleenex box so she can sniff them later. It's like, whoa, whoa, Luann, Jesus. Do you have a feather boa by any chance? Do you know all the lyrics? Do you know all the lyrics to Ring Them Bells by Liza Minnelli? Come on, go for it. Commercials, here comes one right now.

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Why are there ridges on Reese's peanut butter cups? Probably so they never slip from her hands. Could you imagine? I'd lose it. Luckily, Reese's thought about that. Wonder what else they think about. Probably chocolate and peanut butter. So now it's later and the dates are done and Jay comes to check in with Giselle and she's like, wow, Jay is checking on his girl. I like that.

Other men should take note. This is how it's done. Now, if he was just checking on me from a house in Bel-Air, he might have a chance. Yeah.

So then, but then, like, they're all, it's kind of like post-date, but they're all kind of hanging out. And Giselle's like, well, Phil hasn't talked since we got here. And so it was nice to have a conversation with the brother. But then he was also, like, Phil's just kind of, like, off, like, checking out the party and everything. And so he's like, this is lovely. Is this a beach? Oh, it feels so lovely between my heels and the sand. What a lovely place. Is there a private plane I can get back to? Billy!

Yeah, he does sort of seem like he's kind of hosting a murder mystery party where Saffron actually gets murdered. He does. He really does. You know whose energy he has now that I think about it? He kind of has Dwight energy from Real Housewives of Atlanta. Yeah, I think that's what we, I think we actually, I think we actually said that last week. I think it was very Dwight-ish. Yeah. Yeah, he is very Dwight-ish.

Yeah, he has, he definitely, he's like Dr. Facilier. So then Luan is like, oh, Ashley, how's everything going with you and Wale? And she's like, oh, he gave me a note. Oh, really? I don't know anything about that note. Please tell me what it said. And she's like, well, it says from your favorite gym guy, you look amazing. I want to see you later. Oh, he really does like you. I wonder if there might be some lipstick on your mirror later. Wink, wink.

She's like, yeah, he likes me. So does this guy. And it's Jerry. And Luann's like, oh, he likes you, huh? Wow. And Jerry's like, you look amazing as usual, Luann. Don't you fucking talk to another person. It's like I told Angel, you're mine. So Ashley is like, okay. So Ashley goes off with Nick.

and leaving Luann with Jerry. She's like, great, stuck with a fan. He's like, well, so Nick is talking to Ashley and he's like, yeah, I just need a little bit more time with you. And she's like, well, we don't have a lot of that. So what's going on? And they sit down, but before they get into their date, we go back to Luann and Jerry. And Jerry's like, listen, I do want to apologize if I went off on that breakfast thing.

with Mark. It's not my character. He just needs to know that you belong to me and you're going to move to Puerto Rico now and you're going to sit on that island with me while I go fishing and surfing. She's like, wow, don't worry about it. It was charming. Really, Mike.

Yeah.

Can't fuck a personality, am I right? Okay. So anyway, I was actually on my way to the ladies room. Sorry to bug you, Jerry. Get out. See you. Wouldn't want to be a sucker. I hear Earl the Pearl has a real good trauma story over there. So anyway, I'm just going to, I don't know. Hey, look over at that palm tree. Bye.

So now Shanna's talking to some dudes and Earl's there and Earl's like, you want to go up onto the hill as a group? And she goes, you know what? I love Earl. I love we can go up as a group. You're just such a giver, Earl. Come on. I also like that you create a situation where I don't have to be up on that hill one with you. So thank you. Thank you for giving me an out. You know,

Although I was incredibly disappointed when Ralph didn't choose me. Like, really, really heartbroken. Like, wow, brought me back to some dark memories with David and John. Wow, it was just full rejection. Just, oh, just jammed door. Always a bridesmaid. Just not even a bridesmaid. Just someone in the corner of the church who is ignored and people don't even realize that she's at the wedding. Oh, wow. What was I talking about again? Well, at least...

I'm starting over and I'm starting new. I don't let anything get me down. This is a new Shannon. Ralph is out of the picture now. I can't even see him. Oh, I can. He's actually over there staring at the van. Well, Earl's still here, so there's that. Hello, Earl. I guess I'll get to know Earl.

Yeah, Earl. I just love that strange strawberry blonde thing he's got going on with his thinning hair and his very average physique. It's just, I love him. He's just so good. I hope he tells me another dramatic story. I'm just so...

So Jay escorts Shannon up the stairs and Earl just kind of follows him. He's like, hey, thanks for escorting her, buddy. Okay. Get me out of here. So then the guys are just, you know, making small talk and Ashley's making small talk with Nick and asking him about Arizona. He's like, yeah, I live in Scottsdale.

She's like, "Oh, and you used to mine diamonds? Do you still do that? What do you do now? Are they blood diamonds? What kind of diamonds are they? I love diamonds." And he's like, "Uh…" Is that what he was doing in West Africa, by the way? Like, I don't know what that really was. I was definitely thinking blood diamonds. This guy is not ever going to give you an answer that's not a little shady. He's like, "Oh, yeah, mining diamonds, and now crypto. I'm a crypto guy." So…

Yeah, this guy has so many red flags and it's, and like they start with the copious number of thin necklaces that he's wearing and they, it ends with these blood diamonds because when he said West Africa before I was like, oh, he did like a Peace Corps or like some sort of charity thing. But then it turns out he was in the diamond mining business. I was like, were you in the Sierra Leone doing some shady ass shit? I don't trust this guy.

yeah she's just kind of staring at him with the crypto thing and he goes well listen if any if anything comes out of this do it for yourself do it for your kids get one full bitcoin and she's like what's that he's like it's like 58 grand she goes wait 58 bitcoins is a full bitcoin it goes no 58 000 right now is a full bitcoin which i gotta you know i gotta hand it to him bitcoin is it like 95 000 now so

So it went up $40,000. It's not the worst price. Yeah, but there's something I just don't feel like I trust this guy at all. Not at all. No, no. And then we kind of... But you know, this guy's tricky in that he's like boyish looking and he's like completely hairless like a... Well, I guess seals aren't hairless, right? But he looks like a dolphin. He's hairless like a dolphin. And he's just got this like next door boy look. Yeah.

And so you're kind of buying it at first, but then, yeah, these flags start to come up. And so he's talking about digital currency and then it moves to, so what kind of person do you look for typically? And he goes, a beautiful smile and a fat ass. It's like, whoa, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. There he is. I also, I also thought it was funny when Ashley said that, like, she's like, Oh wow. He was like a diamond dealer and he's into crypto. I definitely think he is someone who can keep up with my lifestyle. What's your lifestyle doing yoga and putting your children on a kitchen Island. I think anyone can keep up with that lifestyle. Literally anyone. So anyway, everyone comes back to the main living quarters and,

And they're all like hanging out and chatting. And Earl walks in with Shannon. Before they walk in, he plants a kiss on her. And everyone's like, oh, Earl the Pearl. It's like, wow, you're going to do that right in front of everybody in the lounge? Earl! Wow, Earl, I appreciate you giving me that kiss, but I wasn't quite done chewing my taco. So let me just digest that. Okay. I hope I didn't get any cilantro on your teeth. That was fun.

And he's like, yeah, well, they missed the kiss last night, so I had to do it for them. She's like, oh, you are Earl the Squirrel. Oh, a kiss by a pearl. Speaking of seals, someone should tell him to rename the song that. I've been kissed by...

a pearl in between tacos. So then we go back to Ashley and Nick and they're flirting and he's like, you know, normally I'm a very touchy-feely guy. And she goes, well, then why haven't you touched me? And he's like, well, I guess I gotta step up my game if I want to win this prize. And she goes, yeah, because that's like the first time you've touched me, like ever. I'm gonna need more from you, Nick.

You know, he's like, Racine, I touched that booty, don't forget. Because remember, he accidentally touched it, or they show that he accidentally touched it. And she's like, um, that was like a graze. He... Oh my god, this guy... Like...

another red flag and be like, yeah, I'm really touchy-feely, but he doesn't touch. You know? And like, he's not able to answer, like, give a straight answer about whether he's dated a black girl before. It's just, this guy's awful. Come on, that was just a graze on my butt. That was a church graze. That was like a graze that, that was a graze on the butt that people do in church. I was like, well, she has been to Giselle's

Church. Here's what... Faster, holy whore. She has been. Here's what you have to do, Nick. Okay? Put some Vaseline on your hand and just smack her ass and leave a print there. That way she always knows. It's romantic. Trust me. So then, now Luanne's kind of uncomfortable with Mark because she's like, well, this isn't too terrible, right? And he goes, no, it's really cool. And she goes, yeah.

Gorgeous, huh? So then Jay goes and talks with Giselle and he's like, so I've been hearing, cause you know, I'm in the streets and I heard it was all about day one, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. But then day two, three, and four, I hear the way it's not Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. And she's like, Oh, that's what the street said. And he's like, yeah, that's what the streets are talking. So Giselle tells us,

you know, I find Jay to be somebody I dated before and then it didn't go past date three. Like, Jay's a guy that's super nice, but where's the spark? I'm sparkless. Where's the spark? Like, Jay is such a catch. The fact that she just keeps on being like, well, whatever with this guy. He's got a good personality. He's super hot. He's attentive to you. I mean, I feel like she's actually trying to say there's no spark. I feel like she's trying to undermine it or sabotage it. Hmm. I don't know, but if there's no spark, there's no spark. What are you going to do?

So then we go to Shannon and she's like, well, Earl, I'm going to show you something very important. Well, I've already seen the taco. Are you going to show me that? No, but I do have one in my purse. It's my room. It's my room, Earl. It's like, wow. So this is a whole separate living room. They really that's really nice. They put us in a.

They put us in basically a closet with a twin bed. So it's nice that they give you guys a nice room. Yeah, well, this is the living room. And that's the bedroom over there. I can't believe this is wild. I brought you into my suite. That's the taco corner. Open my purse, Earl. Just open it. That's my crying chair. I just sit there and cry sometimes. It's very nice.

That is my ankle mirror. I have it on the ground there. So it's like when you're trying on shoes. I can just see how my ankles look before I leave. Oh, and this is where I keep my ankle spanks in here. I'm just telling you everything about myself.

Sometimes I just take the ironing board out and just prop it up against the wall and lie at it and say, here lies Shaddam Ador, killed by Ralph, who didn't choose her. Oh, dear. Oh, could you please turn the little sign on the door around that says, Por favor, limpia. That means come in so they can find me here in case I die in the middle of the night from fat cankles. Not that Ralph would ever know since he doesn't seem to even care to look my way. I could have all the cankles in the world or no cankles. He would never know.

never know i'm happy i'm so happy with my choice pearl so now nick walks ashley to her room and um shannon hears them so she comes out she goes hey nick i was just talking about kanklespanks what are you doing would you like to see my room i'm stuck here with earl the pearl and i'm trying to desperately end this conversation and then uh giselle pokes her head out the kanklespanks

Earl, stop putting away my tombstone. I left that ironing board out there on purpose. Earl, that is my taco. Okay, Mick. Are you having a nice young prison night? Earl, do not touch the refreshments. They can tell when they've been moved and I'll get charged $45.

I just got charged $8 from Earl moving a peanut around in the refrigerator. What are you doing, Nick? So they all keep...

They all wind up poking their head out into the hallway, and Nick is like, what? This is crazy. Oh, my God. Now another one. And Louie's like, I heard a man in the hallway. I want to see. Is there fresh blood for me? Oh, it's just this creepy guy. Never mind. And Nick's like, ah, why are you guys cock-blocking me? And Shannon's like, first of all, I do not like the word beep cock-block. Time I said it anyway. Cock-block. I just...

Did Joel Kim Booster make you say that? God, that guy is really corrupting me, isn't he? I'm starting to grow some animosity towards him, just a little bit. Oh, God. Oh, God. So they're all laughing. And so then basically Nick drops Ashley off at her room and gives her a hug. But there's no kiss, just a hug. Yeah. You know, she's not going to like that because she was just telling him, you got to touch me more. You got to take more initiative, etc., etc., etc.

So then, let's see. Everybody goes to bed. And now it's the next day. And Luann and Ralph are walking along the beach. And she's like, oh, I go to Tulum. Do you know Mexico? Tulum, Mexico? And he's like, I've never been there. And she goes, really? Oh, you should. You're in the music business. I mean, they have the best DJs in the world. Tulum. Girl, he's a sound engineer. What would he be doing in a land where people just press play on a fucking...

DJ Andrew Lloyd Webber. God, he puts on a good set.

So, um, Ralph, uh, he's like, yeah, well, maybe I'll make it out there someday. So then Jay and Giselle are working out together, which is nice. And then Shannon and Earl are walking along the beach. And Earl's like, so do you get waves like this at your place? Um, yes, absolutely. Oh, in Orange County, they look just like this. Um, Earl, I, I, why are you still walking with me? I thought we sort of ended our date. He's like, well, no, tell me more about the waves. Oh, okay. Well,

They're just, they're much bigger up in Newport Beach. Much, much bigger. Huge. Yeah. I don't know if I have anything else left to say to you, Earl. One time I rented a house on the sand for the summer. It was so nice. It was like 30 grand a month or something. David hated that. That was fun. That was fun. I once told my stepson that I would take him to a beach.

Unfortunately, I never got that chance, but I bought a ticket. I bought a ticket to the West Coast and it sits in my dining room to this day. And someday he'll come back and we'll go to the beach.

Okay, a lot of open tabs with that stepson of yours. Maybe you should close up some loops. I don't know. Oh, God. But your ankles do look really thin today, Earl. He's like, I will give these back to you. Promise. So then back at the hotel, Shannon has gotten everyone matching outfits so they can walk out like the Sex and the City girls.

And it's, they're ridiculous. They're like bathing suits with a cover up and then big Kathy Hilton bucket hat things with fluorescent colors and stuff. Well, as long as Ralph is looking at all the women, I thought, well, here's my strategy. I'll cover every single person up and now it'll be a personality contest. Touche, Giselle and Luanne. Oh, really? Try picking one bucket hat over the other bucket hat. I dare you, Ralph.

So Giselle's like, ladies, we haven't discussed it, but we're very established women. We've made all of our money. We make more of our money. And how important are finances with a partner? Well, can these guys afford our lifestyles? That's the question. I mean, if you can't pay for me to go out to a piano bar three nights a week, well, then I don't know if I want you around.

How many of these guys have round houses? That's the question. So, Giselle's like, do you think Earl can afford it? Duh. Well, I'm not sure about Earl. I think he's devoted a lot of money to some sort of stepson he's waiting to come back into his life. Well, he could certainly afford motorcycles that he leaves in garages undrived. Or driven, rather. So, I guess he's a little wasteful in the finance department.

Dolores is like, wait a second. He just has a motorcycle in the middle of the house. He's a keeper. So Ashley is like, yeah, we have standards. Yes. And partners who need to have the same lifestyle and want to go out and

sing cabaret every night of the week. It's important. And so basically they're like trying to say, yeah, we need these guys to be able to, we're not gold diggers. We just don't want to pay for everything for them. Yeah. And just, I was like, well, I never thought on day one, I'd be hanging out with Carol Channing with an Apooka necklace, but here I am. And now she's like, yeah, what about Phil Pete's your interests? And she says, Bel-Air-ah. And Phil told me he has a house manager-ah. Okay.

I like to call him the crusty prince of Bel-Air. So then Giselle is like, by the way, Shannon, so with Earl, what about finances with Earl? Because I looked and it looks like he's wearing some very cheap sneakers. And she's like, well, you know, I know his finances, maybe not the top, like he might not be the wealthiest man in Atlanta. And he goes, really? So you're just going to go live in a two bedroom ranch? I, I,

I don't know if I want to live in a ranch, but he actually doesn't live on a ranch. He's actually very close to Atlanta. No, it's a house. It's a poor person house. It's not round. It's sad. You see it on regular house hunters. You don't want to live in one of them. That's what I've got to say. Well, actually, I like that style of house, but I would say I don't know. I don't really know. Now we're angry at ranch-style homes. I really don't know how I feel about that. I just do.

Do we know if, is Thousand Island an option for a house? Because I would not be mad at that either. Can I live in Gorgonzola? Creamy deal. Creamy deal. So Shannon's basically saying, you know, my last few relationships have been with narcissists and my picker isn't working very well. So I need to choose a different type of man. I need to attract myself to someone with a big heart.

Or I could also go for Ralph again. I'm going to go for Ralph one more time. So now Joel's like, hello, my beautiful love hotel guests. How are we feeling? How did it go last night? Well, next on the itinerary, a wise woman said, your husband is in the pool.

She's not on this show, but it's a fun illusion to make. So we hope that your future husband is lurking somewhere in what we like to call the dating pool where your husband might be. See, it's if you follow it through your husband's in the pool and your husband's in the dating pool. Is everyone following? I'm actually not. Good one. Good one. Question.

It's the artichoke dip on my bill because I still have not received it, and I ordered that two days ago. Um, is, uh, wait, your husband's in the pool, sort of like my tortilla chip is in the artichoke dip. Right, everyone? I'll tell you where my husband was. At the beach!

So he's like, okay, guys, stay vulnerable. Okay. Stay raw. Stay raw. Because now new men are coming into the hotel to woo you. And I guarantee you four out of four of them are going to be bald. Oh, my God. Oh, girl. Oh, no. I worry about Earl. What's Earl going to do?

What's Errol going to do when I inevitably drop him for someone who's just slightly better than him? Because honestly, that ranch house thing, Luann kind of put a bug in my ear about that. So Joel's like, are you excited? Are you nervous? Are you a little overwhelmed? Well, I am a little overwhelmed, but that's just how I wake up every day. Okay, continue on, Joel. So new guys are coming, which means they've got to dump guys right now.

And they're like, oh, that's uncool, Joel. You can't make us do this. And he's like, you must pick one guy. You will get a key. And when you give them a key, they can stay. So the guy's like, oh, my God, who's going to stay? Who's going to go?

So now it's time to pick. So Wale is feeling a little uneasy because he's not sure if Ashley is like, maybe starting to get into Nick, you know? And Jay goes, can Joel be eliminated? I'm joking. I'm joking. And Joel's like, oh, okay.

Jay's got jokes. All of a sudden, Joel did not like that at all. He's like, oh, I see. Jay's got jokes. No personality, but suddenly you've got jokes. Wow. Wow. Sounds like somebody's a little nervous. You're coming for my job? Okay, Jay, why don't you be the host of the Love Hotel? It's like, okay, Joel. He goes online the next day. He's like, at least I'm not a piece of shit who thinks they're famous. You're not famous, you fucking loser. Yeah.

J, whoever you are, middling letter of the alphabet. Good luck in Scrabble. Barely being used. Oh, you're worth more points. That's because no one wants you. All right, 8.J. Everybody's horrified that they pull out of a bag. Blue J's, more like blue ball J's because no one wants to fuck you. Oh my God, everyone. The waiter's very upset.

Please, please be more respectful to the staff. So now they have to give out their keys and, um, Joel, uh, let's see. So, uh, blah, blah, blah. So Luann starts, she goes, all right, let's start with Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. God.

Is there a woodpile we can throw Jerry onto and light a match? Because Jesus Christ, no Jerry. All right, now let's talk about Mark. Wow, Santa, the first Santa I've ever met that can fit down a chimney. I don't have a chimney, loser. Find a different house. All right, I'm keeping Ralph. Ralph's hotter.

Well, there's a lot of people to choose from. I'm keeping Ralph because he's tall. She literally says that. I like how tall Ralph is. Jerry, you've got a nice personality. I like that you like to build things because you're a carpenter in Puerto Rico. That's fun for people down there, I'm sure. And Mark...

Congratulations on your beard. You're both short and stupid. Ralph, get over here. Come to mama. Luann, nah, because Ralph is taller. You have Jerry. You have Mark. They're actually fighting for you, Ralph, because she still wants Ralph. So then Luann's like, well, I have a good radar when it comes to people. Tom, Tom, Tom. Well, there you go. Case adjourned.

So then Luanne's like, yes, I've got Ralph. Suck it, Missy. That's a callback, but I know she's watching. So Luanne has Ralph and is very happy. And Joel is now like, Joel's like, okay, Shannon, you're in the hot seat now. And we know that you've had some good connections since you started being in here. LOL, that was a joke. Everyone has run from you. Oh, well, that's a little bit rude for a bellhop to say, I feel like.

Service people should be seen and not heard. That's okay. Well, I've been on a date with Earl, and I think he's a great person. He has a lot of trauma, and I'm kind of turned on by that. We laugh a lot.

We laugh a lot. And cry. There's actually a good amount of crying, I would have to say. But, you know, crying is like laughter for me. Okay, I'm giving my key to Earl. Shocking. I'm picking Earl the Pearl. I mean, who else am I going to pick? Ralph. That boat has sailed. So, we have kissed. He's seen the inside of my room. He's taken every snack out of the refrigerator. And if I don't keep him here, who's going to pay me back?

That's Earl it is! That didn't sound right. That didn't sound right. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a future life in a small ranch home in a cul-de-sac in Norville, Georgia. I just can't wait for Earl to promise my girls a motorcycle they'll never lay their hands on. Oh, hey, maybe one of my daughters will leave...

their Parsons school and ride that motorcycle for Earl so he shuts up about it already. Okay. What are we talking about, Joel? So Ashley is like, you know, Joel was going to have a big day with me because Nick said that we didn't spend a lot of time together, so I thought we could have a pool date this morning, but...

Then we would have had a date today at the pool, but he wasn't there. So my chemistry with Wale is insane. And he gave me a kiss. Oh, no, he gave me two kisses. So I'm going to get a third kiss. I'm choosing Wale. Nick, man, I mean...

You didn't even show up for your pool date. Come on now. So, uh, yeah, she's going to, I mean, while he's hot, he's got a great smile. He's got a good personality. So she is into Wale. And then, um, uh, then he's like, can we do a third kiss right now? So they make out and Joel's like, wow, number three on the kiss counter. Keep getting better and better. Giselle, we saved you for last. You keep your cards close to your chest. So let's see which gentlemen you have a spark with. So she's like, well, uh,

I'm going to say off the rip, this is very difficult for me. If I had to pick, I was going to pick Ralph. There's really no other choice but Ralph. Everyone else here is garbage. Wouldn't want to date any single one of you. But someone took Ralph, so...

Jay. Jay's like, "Geez, I don't know how I'm supposed to take that." And she doesn't reassure him. And everyone's like, "Well, congrats, Jay!" And he goes, "Yeah, well, I'm not sure how to take that." And she still doesn't reassure him, which I loved. She's like, "You are second choice. Is there a better way to word it?" "No. So just sit down, Jay." So she says— I'm gonna—sorry, I'm gonna hatch a small theory here, which is that—and this could be totally off-base—I think that she likes Jay.

And I think that she's scared that she likes Jay, which is why she is saying like, she keeps coming up with excuses why Jay is not right. And I mean, she says there's no spark, which is literally like all one needs to say, but I'm still doing my theory. And I think that now she is trying to intentionally like, I think that she was intentionally trying to kind of like push him away, like jab him, you know? - She's like negging him. - Negging him, yeah.

Or she just literally just doesn't want him to get the wrong message. And it's like, I have to pick someone. So I'll pick you, Jay, but I'm not interested in you. So that's probably the realistic one. But I mean, I'm not picking up on energy from her that she likes Jay, but you know, that's it's her. So you never know with Giselle because I never picked up on energy with her and Jason either. I thought that was so weird.

And I guess I picked up a little with her and her ex-husband, like when they pretended to get back together for a season. There was a little bit there. But yeah, it's Giselle. So you never know what you're getting with that one. Yeah, I think I just really am committed to my narrative. And so I'm going to hatch a theory that's going to work for me, despite any signs coming from Giselle. That's great. I support that. I want them together. So Joel is like, okay, well, as your love concierge,

Oh, is that his title? So he still brings dip, right? I did pull a couple of strings and I have one last key. So you get to keep one last man, girls. Who's it going to be? So they have to vote. And Jerry's like, oh, I'd just like to say, had I brought my guitar, I would have written a song about Luann. Luann? Luann. Lewis. Lewis. The sandpapery one over there.

And it would have gone a little something like this. Oh, I'll tell you how it would have gone. Love for sale. Get out, Jerry. You're done. Money, money, money, money.

So then Giselle is like, Leanne is not in the building. Jerry, there's Luann. There's Countess, but there is no Leanne. Leanne Locken just shows up. You're damn right. There sure is a Leanne right here, and I'm ready. Sure, I'm married already, but I don't care. I'm ready to come back on TV, okay? I'll poke you out my husband's eye, and I'll poke out yours, okay? Write me that song.

So they're trying to decide who they're going to take. And they're, you know, who do they end up taking? Oh, OK. So here it is. They're discussing it. And Shannon's like, oh, my God, my heart is pounding. It's pounding. Did we already pick Ralph?

It's Ralph. Okay, everyone, let's choose Ralph again. And I'll be the one to announce it to show that I really, really like Ralph. And basically, Luanne wants to... I forget who Luanne wants to save, but... Oh, she wants to keep Mark. She wants to give Mark another shot. But Giselle is like, no, Phil is creepy and strange and talks and looks out into the distance when he talks to you, but...

He's wealthy. Bel-air. No ranch homes. Well, I'm trying to be a team player here, but I'm outvoted, so there's not much I can do about it. God damn it. So they end up keeping weirdo Phil. And Ashley's like, well, you know, I'm all about getting my girl hooked up. I've been trying to get Giselle hooked up for 10 years.

So he gets to stay. And then we're going to meet new guys next week. And we say goodbye to the guys who weren't chosen. And Mark's like, you know, my goal here was to be organic. And I did that. I'm still made of skin and bones. So.

And Jerry says, well, I'm feeling a bit surprised. I mean, Luan does belong to me. I thought it was a race between myself and Mark. And now neither of us, neither of us have her. And Ash is like, yeah, well, you know, I wish I could say that I have this like emotional, cerebral, psychological connection with Wally. But my Gucci picked him. My Gucci gave Wally the key. Yeah, I'm just...

I want to do nasty things to him. Yeah. So then we see clips from next week and they are hilarious. Shannon, they're all having a great dinner and Shannon just turns to her and goes, what do you mean you don't eat vegetables?

I've never seen this side of you, Earl. I can't believe it. She's furious. And he goes, how come every time you talk to me, it's like you're about to slap me? And she's like, I will not. I cannot. I will not. And walks off, does a Shannon Storm off.

Yeah. Well, remember last week, he thought he had to eat that entire bowl of beans, like decorative beans. He's like, wow, it's a big bowl for these beans. Those are not edible, Earl. So he really doesn't know his way around vegetables. Shannon flying off the panel about vegetables. I'm in. Yeah, I'm totally in. And there was something I was going to say about this, but I don't remember. So who cares? But it's highly entertaining and I'm excited for it.

excited to see how this all shakes oh well here's what i was going to say the one thing that this show that's a little tricky with this show is that ultimately like phil lives in arizona and bel air and giselle lives in potomac and what's funny is that all these women are the exception of luann who's not on a show anymore but they're all geographically tied to their tv shows like their tv shows are rooted in their in like where they live so giselle can't just like

go and have a relationship with Phil and Bel Air, you know, that means she has to forfeit her TV show and she's not going to do that. You're thinking too hard. These people aren't staying with these man. That's what I'm saying. It's like, they should at least cast people who are geographically like appropriate. So that way, at least the, you can at least maintain the illusion a little bit better, but that's like the bachelor, you know, they come from all over and then they try to make it work with their long distance relationship. And then they see each other at Chela and Nashville. Yeah.

Okay, well, this is fun. This is a fun show. I love it. And thanks everyone for being here. We will catch you on the next episode and go get tickets to our live show. There's only a few left. Bye, everyone. Bye. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison block. Our way is the Amber way.

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At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again.

So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful.

Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect. For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day... I texted her and she was not getting the text. So I went to Instagram, she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person.

A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres. But who was hiding a secret?

From Wondery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti. You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.