#2900 Below Deck S12E04: Gay For No Pay
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Hello and welcome to Watch Where Crap In, the podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the glorious and masterful Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Well, hello. How are you faring on this Tuesday? Good, Ben. How's everything going with you, babe?

It's fabulous. We had a very fun morning. We went on to Jeff Lewis's show on Radio Andy. So go check out the replay of that if you missed it. We had a lot of fun there. And then we're always having fun on Patreon where we are doing Love Island recaps darn near every day. Every day that we show up to record, we do a Love Island check-in first.

So go check that out at patreon.com slash watch or crappins. You can also do some crappins on demand where you get to watch us, not just listen to us. And those are videos that are exclusive to Patreon for a week before they wind up on our YouTube. So go check it out. It's really fun.

And we want to thank everyone who supports us over there. We always really appreciate it. And today, we're here to talk about the grand conclusion of the Gay Porn Star five-day charter on Below Deck. Wow, what a sad group of gay porn stars. I mean, they cut their entire trip into a montage. Yeah, yeah, that's...

That's sad. That's sad. I'm like, how sad that you guys are too nice and well-adjusted to make drama. I guess so, because that whole thing was just cut down and over. That was crazy. So we start with Kaio sitting everybody down, and he's like, okay, well, the captain, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair.

pulled me into the bridge and he asked me if I'm up for it. And you know, you guys are up for it. And I supported us because honestly, I think I'm up for it. But he made a good point. We got to get better. We've got to get better, you guys. We're not done. We'll finish later. But here's my basic point. Get better.

And then he walks away and Kyle's like, don't come here and bitch and moan at us. Like we're working our asses off. This is your fault, mate. It's not our fault. Because Kyle is the one who's always like going downstairs to have like a break. This is like the telltale sign of a bad person. Just how they make, when they want to make a stew look like a chief stew, look like she's doing a bad job. They just show her smoking, uh,

off on the bow somewhere. The old Hannah edit. Yeah, the Hannah edit. The Bosun version is them downstairs eating like salad or something, just like chowing down. Although they really do that with Jess. I feel like every time they show us Jess, she's eating something downstairs. They show her eating in every other scene. And Jess was really, Jess is the one who's like, on my last boat, I never got a break. Okay, so on this one, do you get 90? I mean, do you get 90 a day? Like, what the hell? Why are you always eating down there?

They always like pan over to her like a whole scene will unfold and then the camera will pan over and she's just sitting there eating like a bowl of cereal. She was here this whole time. You've got to adjust reaction for every scene in the mess because she's always there. At least they make it look like she's always there. So Kyle's like, oh, the thing is, he didn't call for us to come to the bridge, did he? He only called for Kyle. So that's all I'll say. That's all I'll say about it.

So now that Carrie is checking on Selene and he's like, how are you finding everything? She's like, oh, you know, I find things. I lose things. That's how it goes. You know, I try to follow everyone. You know, here's what they say. Silence, silence. Listen to me. So I'm silent, you know, but this is hard. They're so stupid. These people. I understand. I understand. What do I do? Let me tell you one thing I don't do. Poo poo in the toilet. And he's like, you are so goddamn charming. God.

I really think all my previous experience will help me because I was bartender in five star hotel in French Riviera. I was beautician. I was masseuse. I was waxer. I used to wax a lot of genital parts all day long and be like, "Sans, sans, sans, listen. You know, you wax penis." You know, I have so many memories in my hand. I'm like,

Yeah, I'm not really sure how the waxing of people's penises is going to help you make a bed better. But I guess there's something. I mean, I can understand the turndown part of it because you sort of are putting things there and pulling them off. But other than that, I'm not really sure how this practically affects your job. It's understandable why she's okay with a wrinkly bed.

So then Solene drops a glass in the pantry and she's like, I want to cry, but this is too hard, so I won't do it. So Fraser is complimenting Anthony on his amazing charcuterie boards. And of course, you know, Anthony's like, okay, you know, we do cheese boards for dinner. I hope he doesn't hate me. I hope he isn't trying to ruin my life by telling me he likes his charcuterie.

I know he's spiraling, but for it's just like laying it on thick. He's like, Anthony, you are so talented with these boards, the way you put three pieces of prosciutto on a piece of wood and then added a raspberry in the side. It is the work of a genius. Dare I say a madman, a mad genius. I mean, like I was like, it's just a charcuterie board. Okay.

So then we see, yeah, let's, let's settle down. I feel like Frazier is like, Frazier is like a little on the season in a way that I'm really not enjoying. I feel like all of his interviews feel very like affected and rehearsed. And it's just like,

I don't know. It's like not quite landing for me anymore. He adjusts every season for the audience reaction. And I think last season, the thing is it takes him half a season to really become the bitch we need him to be.

Yeah. On this show. It takes him a while to drop the act. He's got to get like super stressed and super, you know, ruffled for it to really come out. He almost feels like he's like on the Food Network or something. He's doing like Food Network style, you know, interviews where he's like, today we're going to do something absolutely wild. So wild. But it'd be more wild than I wish I could ever say I was. It's just sort of like these generic sort of pattern moments. And I just want better for him because I know he can do better.

Yeah. So then Rainbow is like, um, Celine, will you please put these things over there? She goes, where exactly? She's like, um, you know, the main salon. Remember, you've been shown it about three or four times where it goes. And she's like, okay, please. Okay. Okay, please. Oh, my God. I'm not the children.

And she's like, yeah, thank you. Rainbow's always got such a stick up her butt. My God. I know. I mean, working with Solene is not easy, but Rainbow kind of sucks too. Although I'm loving watching Rainbow slowly, slow. Well, not even slowly. I mean, it's only episode four and she's already had a breakdown. So I'm kind of enjoying the Rainbow train, but.

don't forget don't forget she was abandoned on an island to like destroy her sister before her father picked her up in an hour so like oh yeah that kind of the backstory I'll never forget literally taken to an island and dropped off to fight to the death in the middle of a lake in Holland so now uh oh don't bow at me

So they're going to be going on to a kayak. The guests will be going on a kayak excursion later. And Fraser's asking Selene if she wants to go on the kayak. And he's like, "Go in Rashi." She's like, "What is Rashi?" "No, the one you swim in." "Oh, I'm going to find that?" I don't really understand this interaction.

but she's gonna be going on the kayak. - I don't want to be rashy. I avoid so much, so much the being rashy. Now you're telling me I have to be rashy? I don't know. It's about, okay, I do. Where is it? You tell me, I do it. You say peace, I say okay. - And then it just cuts to her just like, once again, just like plummeting down the staircase. What is she doing on that staircase?

So now Rainbow calls her friend and she's like, oh my God, I had a panic attack. This is like literally, it's like a lot. I like came back out. There was like stuff on a table. Do you know, do you know how hard this is? I mean, I took it out on the vacuum cleaner. It was rough. I ended up going to an island with a vacuum cleaner and just banging it against the tree. So I'm basically sweeping with a palm tree now, which is rough. It's hard. It is hard.

First rule of fight Island club. Don't talk about fight Island club. Click. The person just hangs up.

So Kerry is talking to Kao and he's like, well, nice work. So I'm going to take some pressure off of you and I'm going to take the guests out tonight because the last thing that I want is for your hair to obstruct their view of the fish in the water. So are you okay with that, Kao? He's like, oh, you sure? He's like, yes. Also, I don't want you sinking the boats, you know. Kao had a tough day and I feel compassion for that. And I've had some great mentors and they've shown me the right way. And I want to be there so I can support him to succeed. Succeed?

in adventure and that's what i want for him to do yeah so he's gonna try and work with weird al get some stuff moving so then fraser puts barbara on service and she doesn't even have to do housekeeping she's like yes

So now, Kerry is talking to Anthony and he's like, "How are you keeping the place?" He's like, "I mean, you know, it takes more time, more organization, possibly tighter pants. But, you know, it's like, it's way more like even the floor, you know, like it's hard. It's very important to keep the floor clean, you know, so I'm really concentrating on the floor, you know. So, clean, clean, clean, everything going well, mentally stable here." And he's like, "All right, mate, geez, God."

I'm looking forward to seeing it come together. Fucking crazy person. So now the guests get onto these really cool kayaks. They're like these glow-in-the-dark kayaks that at night they shine light down onto the fish. And the fish are like, a little discretion, please. Hello. This is like, I'm changing over here. My neighbors are spying. This is really awkward. Just having a light shine on you. Like, we're trying to mate here, bitch.

It's like the gay porn star Fisher down there be like, "Yes, queen! I'm actually married to a woman." This was beautiful. I want to do this at some point. This was absolutely gorgeous. And so he's like, "Everything comes alive at night. There's turtles, there's fish, there's a cock with a ring on it. It's slapping me in the face. Excuse me, can you sit down? I'm trying to look at the views here. Jeez, these guys."

Oh, look at that. Look, there's a more eel coming towards us. Oh, wait one second. Sorry, that was Cade Maddox's ding dong coming out of his pants. All right, fun times here. The best part of me is the adventure.

I just think it's awesome. Absolutely epic. So Anthony's stressing, he's like, Laurent is not here no more, so it is only me making everything by myself. This is my Super Bowl. I can do it. Old poor Anthony, put out to pasture, killed. Pastore's dead. No see Anthony anymore. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to make good food and have clean floor.

and then we have flashbacks he has like vietnam flashbacks to last season when jill zarin was terrorizing him and she's like hi i'm gonna show him how to make good diet coke this is how this is how you make diet coke this is not good it's someone who's been to a lot of restaurants now and so um now the guys oh go ahead i just want to say if the producers knew what was what was like how to do their show

They would not have done a five-day charter with gay porn stars who, yes, they talk about cock rings, but they're ultimately going to be perfectly benign and lovely guests. You're doing the five-day charter because you want to put your crew through the ringer, the cock ringer, but you want to make their lives hell for five days. This should have been the Jill Zarin returns to Below Deck five-day charter. That would...

would have been so perfect. I mean, they just would have all jumped off the boat by the end of it. So now it's time to sit down for dinner and

And Fraser's like, tonight's first course will be sushi, shrimp tempura. And Marcel's like, this isn't shrimp, is it? Because I'm allergic to shellfish. And Fraser's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, my mistake. And they're like, oh, my God, he almost killed you. And so he goes and takes it down. He's like, chef, shellfish allergy. Okay, that is Anthony's fault. But it's also your fault for taking up shrimp, girl. Thank you. You know, too. Thank you.

Thank you. That was so obviously like you're a team and you have to look out for like just he Anthony used to know this, but you should also know it like it's blatantly a shellfish. Like you should you should say, oh, wait, Marcel, you know, like fisting. Yes. Shellfish. No. Like you'd have to know what the preferences are. But what if he gets fisted after someone was touching the shrimp?

That could actually be a genuine concern. Like, I just had some cocktail and now I'm fisting you. And it's like, that could be a problem. So, phrases like, this is history repeating himself. Oh, God, read the goddamn preference sheet. God, I hope I didn't make the wrong decision in bringing him back. Dun, dun, dun.

also way too dramatic. Okay. Like this is, this is the undermining that, that like we talk about, right? Cause it's like, it was ultimately a mistake, a mistake that you could have helped with if you'd actually just like paid attention yourself. And then he's like, Oh no, he's falling apart already. He's gone cuckoo for, for Cocoa Puffs. We have to commit him to an institution. It's like, no, he made a mistake cause he has jitters and he probably shouldn't have come back in the first place, which you advocated for and you didn't help him.

in this situation. And now you're going to act like he's lost his marbles. I don't think so. Yeah. But I would have to say, this is a bad one. This is a really bad one. You can't serve somebody shellfish. It's allergic. They could die.

That's a pretty bad one. I know, but like, Fraser's already acting like, oh no, he's already unraveling. I'm like, he made a terrible mistake. Doesn't mean that he's necessarily unraveling. And if he does unravel, that's on you because, like, that was his whole thing from last season is that he unraveled. You hired the murderer. You hired him. So, um, Fraser's like, please don't make these mistakes because now we look stupid. Yeah, but you both do.

And so he's like, okay, okay, you know, here's what my creativity is like. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You understand? Not really. Please. Please don't murder guests. He's like, oh my God, this could be terrible. I could kill somebody. But, you know, not reading preference sheet. It's one of the reasons I got fired last season. So I'm putting it on the floor, which I'm really concentrating on now.

Stop concentrating on the floor and concentrate on the shellfish, sir. Okay. I love Fraser saying like these mistakes, like these mistakes, you have to concentrate because these mistakes make us look stupid. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to get my party city dominatrix outfit ready for tomorrow night's dinner. So Kyle's talking to Jess, who I think is eating. I'm just going to assume she's eating.

Oh, no, they're on the swim platform. But it would be better if they were in the mess hall. That's the only place I want to see Jess at this point. Giving reaction shots while she's eating. But he's like, I need to know that you guys are on my side. And she's like, yeah, I mean, yes, I can confirm we're on your side. And she's like, well, yes, but, you know, I mean, I told the captain, you know, like, it's a boat. I know I can do it. That's why I took the job. I'm up for it. And she goes, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but you know, it's new, but you know, like I can't say that it's not something new. It's a challenge for me in a way, you know, I've never had a four people team, but you know what? I've always had hair, good hair, good, good hair. She's like, I'm worried. I'm worried for this guy.

And he's like, you know, when Kerry comes down on me, it's kind of a wake up call. You know, I'm like, I part the blinds of my hair and I say, oh, good morning. I woke up because when I was a kid in school, I was good at everything, like the best student in the class and all that shit. I was the best at, I don't know, lunchtime. I was really good at that class. And, um,

after school snack really good at that really just anything with eating that's really what I was specialized in and I mean I want to do best I can of course but if I make a mistake it's not the best that I can and I don't like that yeah I don't believe that you were the kid in school that was great at everything sorry don't believe it you have insecure hair you have like insecure stupid person hair so the guy the gay porn stars are talking about like what it's like to be a creator but also have social anxiety

They're like doing like a round table for Variety magazine. Yeah, I think there's like a lot of creators that are like introverted and that pretend to be extroverted. And Marcel's like, yeah, I hate people. Yeah, you like don't pretend to be extroverted. Yeah, that's just like my craft. Like I pretend to be like, you know, introverted, but I'm not introverted. I don't know what it is. Yeah, because you get turned inside out because you're introverted. Yes, queen.

But they have social anxiety. Yeah, Cade Maddox is like, yeah, you know, one time I was doing this scene where people were bobbing for apples out of my butt. And like, it was really hard because they were always, they were like, hey, how you doing? I didn't want to talk to them. You know what I mean? Get your apple and move away. I've got a bushel up inside me. Can we just move this along? I tell you, I have such social anxiety. Like when there are like three dicks in my face just coming at me at the same time, I'm like, I just wish there was just one.

So come in me, but don't come at me. You know what I mean? I'm like, do they think my banter is bad right now? So then there's a reason I chose a job where my mouth is always full. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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He does seem actually very shy. He barely talked this in both episodes. The times he did talk, he was like, I am Cade. I was like, oh, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen him do a scene where he has lines. Actually, I don't really remember him ever speaking before this. So many comedians are like very like when they're not on stage, they are like very, very quiet and like introverted. And so like I actually feel like it's probably does extend to porn stars like it would make sense, you know? Yeah.

uh so we're getting too deep into this into these woods wow like how does i think that was the review wasn't that the review of kate maddox's first porno too far in the game matic story so next course is up it's chicken teriyaki with oysters just kidding with pineapple fried rice in a pineapple look at that

And so now Fraser is talking to Damo and he's like, oh, my God, you're looking very hot. He's like, oh, really? Yeah, really hot. Hot, hot? No, hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh, really? Yeah, hot. God, someone wrote this down.

It's our love story. Hot. I look hot. Like I'm hot. Sweaty hot. Hot, hot, hot. Hot, hot, hot. Hot, hot, hot. Hot, hot, hot. Hot, hot, hot. Really hot. Hot, hot. Hot. So now dessert is a banana Nutella samosa. And they love it. And now it's time for the hot bag.

I mean, hotbed. Now it's time for the hot tub. So Rainbow is telling Celine what to do. She's like, okay, I would love for you to focus on this area of the pantry. Okay, like everything on the table. Just put it back in the deco cupboard in a nice way. Any questions? Hello? Any questions? You? Hello? And she's like, okay, no question. Okay, awesome. Thank you. I do it. You're welcome. Yeah.

And then she, Solene's like, by the way, just so you know, like I do faster than I can. By the way, bar means lawn is done. So you're going to be very, very happy. I did the bar. I also cleaned toilets. I cleaned all the bedrooms. I vacuumed floor. Everything is spick and span beautiful. And Rainbow's like, ah,

Oh my God, really? So Selene's like, yes, I did everything early. You will be so happy. She's like, oh my God, you are amazing. Give me a hug. That is amazing. I didn't even have to check on you and you did something without me telling you. Girl, don't believe Selene. Go check her work.

the here's the thing like you've got fraser getting all pissed off he didn't check the work you've got her getting all pissed off she didn't check the work even captain carrie in the start of the season he was the one to drive that boat to pick up the guests and he noticed that there was luggage sitting on the dock he didn't make sure anybody was picking up the damn luggage like there's no people checking you know there's supposed to be a hierarchy for a reason like you've got to check the work don't just hug her don't ever hug her

Yeah, like you are assuming way too much. When she says, I cleaned the bar, that is Solène's way of saying, where is the bar? Can you clean it for me? That's all. What is bar? What is this bar? I waxed the bar. I cut all the pubic hairs off the bar because of my previous job experience. I waxed the bar. Yeah. The bar has had this now. Bar is clean, is Brazilian now.

So, Selene goes up to the living room area, the salon, and then sees that everything is actually all, not Selene, I mean, Rainbow, goes up there and sees that everything is completely dirty and not cleaned at all. And she starts to lose her mind. She's like, "I have zero faith in her. I have zero trust in her. And sometimes I do feel like I'd be better off if she just wasn't here."

So she just was OK. It was just there was some stuff left on the table. There's like some paper decorations and it wasn't that big of a deal. But Rainbow's like, oh, my God, I have zero faith, zero trust. Like sometimes I feel like it would be better if she just wasn't here. OK, then just murder her.

and when is one of these shows gonna like do us the favor of having a murder i need a murder on one of these it's gonna happen soon i swear to god if there will be a tragedy on below deck sooner or later we've come close so it's the next day it's the morning and um guests are seating for breakfast and rainbow is talking to demo and and she's saying that like um you know she's saying that that she's taken over whatever she's taking over the room she's here to clean and everything

And then he's like, "How is everything going with you and, um, Selene?" And she's like, "You know, I'm good. I have, like, no person- no problem with her personally, bro. I mean- I mean, would I like to take her to an island in the middle of Holland and beat the shit out of her? Perhaps! But no real issue with her. It's just like, you know, when she doesn't work, I work. Like, three times as hard! I'm totally fine!"

No, she does it like she gets off on doing the martyr thing. Like, you know, like no one else can work. So I do it. I just do everyone's job. And that's just me. He's like, you are amazing. You work nonstop. She's like, yeah, that's me. Hardworking rainbow. So Fraser is saying that he's going to go to the beach with the guests and he needs her on board as the second. She's like, oh, wow. So I love being a good crewmate. Don't love complaining about Selene.

You know, not talking about feelings is like an armor. So I just put on my stew face, you know, like it's going to get uncomfortable sometimes. You just you just have to go through with it. You know, I just don't talk about feelings. Is that a me problem? No, it's a service industry problem. Stop talking about your feelings. You're doing it right now. Smile. Give me a minute. Make my towel into a into a dinosaur.

Please shut up. Harness all of your childhood trauma into the shape of a dinosaur in a towel, towel medium. So Carrie is like, all right, everyone, we're going to bring the tender around. Kyle, we're going to bring the tender. So we're going to load the tender and get it packed and get the first wave ashore. You got your checklist? Kyle's like, absolutely. We're going to get the box from Sardinia and bring it onto the boat. And then we're going to sail away on a little raft. That's absolutely not what I said whatsoever. Copy that.

So then Jess and Kyle are talking and Kyle talked about how he's shared some cheeky messages back and forth. So all is good. All is good. You know, if you're not fast, you're lost. So they say.

a flirtation that I really don't care about. - Yeah. So Kerry and Barbara are talking and Barbara's like, "Oh my God, I've never worked in this chocolate before. It's my first time." And he's like, "Oh, my girlfriend, homie, she gets off one day a week. She used to work for me when I was married. How about that?" A few years later, I said, "How about we go to dinner?"

We'd actually been committed that entire time. We didn't have dinner until after. A meal-less relationship is kind of amazing. So Barbara's like, yes, well, I was in a relationship and I'd been cheated.

And then I'm telling you, I've had so many bad moments in my life, but like so many, but this one destroyed me so hard. And like she was making plans with me and one day, and then we're like going to have a dog and we're going to have a baby and we're going to have all this and that and all these little things and Nintendo Switch. And then she cheated on me. And then he was our friend. Yeah. And a lot of people come and tell me, oh, well, we see that. We saw it. We could tell that was going to happen. Like we knew it. They had something, but they had all this time together and everything happened.

Like, I don't know. I like, I'm ready for relationship. I don't trust anyone. You know, like, I don't know. It's just like, maybe I got trauma. That's why this tattoo that says I don't trust anyone. And like, if I love the person so much that like she did this with me, like, how can I love someone else? And Carrie's like, all righty. Well, I think I'll hear my, my radio going off. Going to go off to the crew up to any other room. But this one, nice chatting, Barbara. It's a lovely time. Yeah.

And he's like, you know what? I'm changing myself. So I'm attracting the right kind of person. So what I'm saying to you, Barbara, is stop being a shitty person and you'll get less shitty people. It's like, oh, great talk. Thanks. He's like, so when I met that woman, when I met that employee that I ended up leaving my wife for, I decided to become a better person. It's like your story needs some work, sir.

So then we go to Fraser, who is talking to Damo about how it is working for the Boson. And Damo's like, oh, a little challenging, you know, like, I mean, you know stuff, but his communication could probably use some work. And Kyle's like, I mean, give us five minutes fucking out because Kyle's radioing.

And Fraser's like, okay, all right, boys, let's undermine the bosun. All together now. So Fraser's like, Kyo, what the fuck? Like, you bring a guest before I'm ready. That's going to fuck me over. Could you not...

Yes, that's right, because they bring the people over too quickly. So then they all get there, the gay porn stars get to the beach and then it's a nude beach. So they're all gallivanting around naked and then they're like, the deckies are drawing like a dick in the sand. And Fraser says, if this was a porno, I'd probably call it Sandy Crotch. And Anthony's like, yes, I would call it La Plague Sausage. La Plague Sausage. And Fraser's like, it's the Beach of Sausages.

sounds delicious i think that's better than sandy crotch i'm not really sure what kind of porn name that is yeah aren't you trying to get people to jerk off to this so now um a rainbow is uh emailing i was gonna say rainbow is email it's my brain got stuck on emailing so she's radioing celine to do cabins and celine's like oh she's very crazy she's crazy no

So now she comes down to see Rainbow and Rainbow goes, yes, queen cabin. She's like, but I'm working. I'm not finished. She's like, this is a little more important because if guests come back in 30 minutes and cabins aren't done, we are fucked. We are fucked. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you have a paper bag for me to breathe into? No, you don't. Then I need you to do the queen cabin.

"Okay, so we do the green cabin. I mean, what do you want from me? I mean, I'll do the green cabin. It's not such a big deal. Fine, you two take green cabin. I do green cabin. I do another cabin. You do a cabin. It's fine. It's like it's a room. It gets done. I wax it. I wax cabin. I put hair in it. Take all the hair out of the cabin. No big deal." She goes, "Okay, but that cabin's doing a thing. Can you jump into that one?" She goes, "Oh my God, that one? Which one?"

Is it a different one? Where's the bed? This is a closet with food. No, the cabin. No, I don't know cabin. We're in woods. Where's cabin? Which cabin? Do you have a dress? God damn it.

So then they're like playing around. Barbara and Selena are like playing around with all the like the kink toys and everything, like masks and cock rings and stuff. And Selena's like, "Rimbaugh, she says it's the end of the world when we don't go fast, but I just tell her maybe to have a drink matcha. I don't know. Like maybe she needs sex, relaxed body, sex and matcha, matcha sex. I do not know."

And Barbara's like, yeah, you know, I think Rainbow really works a lot, but I don't think Rainbow knows how to say in a nice way. You know, it's like, hey, bro, don't do that. It's not my vibe. And we get a montage of Rainbow being like, um, maybe if you did that like five minutes ago, it would be done. Maybe if you didn't do the sheets like that, the sheets wouldn't be like that.

You know what I love? That like when Rainbow does it, we're like, what? Gosh, she's so obnoxious. But then like any other recap of us like talking about Blow Deck, we're like, um, maybe if you did that five minutes ago, you would have time for your break.

Well, but that's just how it is. Like, you can't win. You know what I mean? Like, Fraser could come on here. Like, Fraser comes on here, starts the season by being sickly nice to everybody. And we're like, oh, my God, you're not even doing your job. What are you supposed to be? Everyone's best friend. Then the second he turns bitchy, we're like, oh, my God, you need to be nicer if you're going to be the boss of people. Like, you're never going to win. I'm like, look at Rainbow being bossy. And then she's like, nice. Like, well, no, what Rainbow needs to say is if you did this five minutes ago, it would be done. You don't have to complain about it. Yeah.

Yeah, but she really does have a way of speaking to people that's just like, what are you, an idiot? Yeah, she's not pleasant. Yeah. She's not pleasant. But she's funny. I'm enjoying Rainbow. Like, I actually really like Rainbow. I am Rainbow. And let's be honest. I kind of feel for Rainbow, you know? But I just love that her name is Rainbow and she's always having breakdowns because that shit's hilarious. It's because you misspelled Rainbow.

That's right. But you know me, Ronnie. You've known me for a long time. You know I am rainbow. Let's be honest. I am rainbow at all times, unfortunately. No. I'm rainbow and Janet. Look, I'm aware of it. I love that you take all the crazy ones. You like rainbow, Janet, Heather Dubrow. Heather Dubrow.

All the insufferable ones. I'm like, they're me. Your rainbow, like your pride flag is just made out of sticks up asses. A dream. It's not even a flag. It's just a pole. It's just a pole. It's a pole with a little butt on top. Oh, gosh. Okay. So Rainbow is like, our cabin's done. And Selene says, yeah. And she goes, okay, go on your break. Okay, no. Go check the cabins. Have you learned nothing?

or is this over radio i don't think this is over radio no i think it's in person celine goes okay so maybe i finished pantry because i never finished and i always told you to do this and do this and this and this so maybe i just finished so it'll be quick it's like no i just need to go on break before they come back because if they come back and you're on break then we're so go do your break right now okay so you know that do break i do break because i never finish but so i finish everything like my bar like i'm sorry but today like who's who and what the water what the who and who and like i go on breaks you an hour

What are you talking about, you crazy person? And Jess is like, look at me, don't do it. Just stop, just stop, just stop. And Rainbow's like, I'm trying my best here. And Jess tells her, there's nothing you can do. You know, because of course Jess is eating something. They're watching all of this. And Rainbow's like, I am trying to be calm. I can't take it. That's fucking ridiculous. What am I supposed to do with this?

So meanwhile, KO brings Anthony back on board. But when he brings Anthony back on board, he doesn't really announce that he's coming back on board. So he just sort of arrives. And K.O. is like, oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay, KO. K.O. is just arriving in the vessel right now with a chef. I mean, just showing up with a chef. Who does that? So then meanwhile, Rainbow is like, I just had the most stressful hour of my fucking life. And Barbara's like, let me tell you something.

You know what's a stressful hour? It's the hour when you find out the woman who was going to buy a dog with you one day leaves you for a man. That's a stressful hour. This is nothing. Just treat her like a big kid. We have to treat her like this. Otherwise, you know, annoying. Yeah, she's like, treat her like an idiot or she won't help us. She's like, oh God. She just walks off.

So now, um, Kyle is putting the guests back on board and then everyone else is cleaning up the beach. And Fraser is like, we better get a good tip for that.

And Carl's like, I reckon 40, 40 K. He's like, I reckon 40, 40 K mate for five days. I thought so too. These gays should be ashamed of themselves. My God. They should be. They should be ashamed. I always thought only fans people made like $8 million a day or something. Like every time you see it reported, it's like only fans creator just bought a $37 million house in Beverly Hills.

Yeah, this is mortifying what ultimately happens. So Kerry is like, well, I'm getting super frustrated because I've been sitting at the wheelhouse waiting for the comms.

And you know, the gay person was like, "Yeah, we've been waiting for the comms here." So K.O. was like, "What, what? Yes, no, I should have picked up radio here, here, here." And K.O. was like, "Well, you should have grabbed the radio and you could have called me and say, 'Hey, I'm heading back with a guest.'" Because sometimes if I see a boat leaving from the beach where the guests were and it comes to our boat, I have no idea if that's our boat or just some other mystery boat that arrived and is just copycatting our Tinder. How am I supposed to know unless you communicate?" And he's like, "Oh, okay."

Kyle's just like, whatever. So then he's like, dude, he's like shouting about getting this place looking good, but then he breaks and stuff in front of the guests. And Kyle's like, I know, shut up.

So Fraser is checking on Rainbow. She's like, I mean, there was just a little incident. I'm doing great. Everything is great here except that I have Celine. She won't take a break. I mean, I'm like telling her to do a cabin. She's like, no, I want to do the pantry. I mean, like she's refusing to take a break. So, I mean, otherwise, everything's vacuumed. Me and the vacuum cleaner made up. I had to unbend it. So that was rough. It was hard. I took my aggression out on it. I'm sorry, vacuum.

and cleaner. But that's okay now. And the table's being set, which I'm sure won't be cleaned later because Rainbow will be in charge of it. Thanks for asking, Fraser.

rainbow are you putting a razor into a stroopwafel yes just a little something we do in holland on murder day that's fine it's fine okay well five days is a long time period okay and we have we have theme after theme after theme and this is asking a lot of us but this tonight is going to be fun the guests have requested an snm venetian private members of the sort of party and i am feeling it so i'm going to do an incredibly awkward dinner party that will

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And then we get another monologue from Anthony about how difficult life is being Anthony. He's like, oh, yesterday was difficult. And I hear this little voice inside of me. You can't do it. You're stupid. I hate your pants. I hate your face. And it sounds like Fraser.

Oh no, what am I going to do? But this time I will try not to poison anybody. I just don't want the little voice in my head saying, serve him, shellfish. He doesn't deserve to live. He puts fist in his mouth. Kill him. Kill him. Die. Die.

Now Selena's vacuuming stairs and Rainbow's like, "Thanks, babe. How was your break?" She's like, "Oh, you know, I slept, I slept. You know, I just go to bed, then I sleep. That's all I do, don't break. That's what I do. But now I'm awake, I'm awake, but then I'll sleep later. Now I'm gonna sleep now, and I'll sleep later." You know, things like that, you know, work experience. "Okay, well,

Can we hug it out? I'm sorry for being crazy this morning. And I just wanted to give you a hug so that way you don't think I'm super crazy when I lose my mind on you again in about 45 minutes. So just a little hug intermission. Okay, here we go. Okay. So, so Lane forgives her, but she's like, um, your fixed mind means nothing to me. Hmm.

So then Anthony is making dinner and Carrie is checking in on Kyle and Kyle basically says, yeah, it's a great season. You know, I mean, Kyle kind of sucks, but nice guy, but kind of sucks. But thanks for having me back. Damn, these people really hate Kyle. Everybody that Carrie is checking in with is like, yeah, that guy sucks. But thanks for talking. Thanks for the talk.

Yeah, because even these bros, normally the bros cover cover for bros. But this time they're like, yeah, he sucks. So then Fraser is now Fraser is now in like S&M, Venetian,

you know, party, party mode. And so he knocks on the, on the porn stars door and he's like, hello, the word to be used and to our dungeon this evening. And the sky's like, Oh my God, what is it? Say for it as an opener. What's the word? And they open it up and the safe word is saying Captain Slade. It was right about me. The safe word is Norma. Yeah.

So now they're supposed to be doing this S&M thing, but Fraser just does not have the personality for it. And it is hilarious. He just comes out and he's like, you all look like shit. All right. It's our game tonight. Not yours. All right. Enjoy your meal. I mean, do not enjoy your meal. I mean, God, someone just kiss me, please. Any kind of approval, please.

The guests are like, Saint Slavid, safe word. Because I feel like the theme was supposed to be like dominatrix, whatever, S&M. But I don't think it was supposed to be like the staff is supposed to yell at the guests. I think it was supposed to be just like leather and whips and funny and that. And it's kind of just like...

Just strange. Because then Fraser, like, enlists Anthony. He's like, now remember, Anthony, we're playing characters tonight. We are not smiling. And we are, oh, because we're playing characters, you're going to cook good food that won't kill people. Do you think you can get into that character from your normal self? Fraser thinks that it just means that he can be, like, filterless, you know, and be his real personality. Because I think you're right. I think that's when I'm supposed to be like, yes, welcome to your sexy character.

fucking dinner enjoy this steak you manly man i mean something but just like just be rude so yeah and he's like this is the chef he makes the food you idiots all right go ahead anthony do your lines

Anthony does not know what to do. He's like, "Well, obviously it's pasta with black pesto and like, it's stupid. So eat it 'cause you're stupid." And then they're like, "Thank you." He's like, "Don't say thank you." I'm like, "This is not S&M. This is just you being a dick." - He's like, "I don't even care. Enjoy it or don't. Goodbye."

So then Barbara and Selene are talking about and they're talking about sex toys because they're in one of the rooms. And Barbara's like, do you know what this come here? And it's a cock ring. It's a ring. And she goes, yes, it's a ring, a ring for your willy. And she goes, what did you touch? I thought that was jewelry. Don't touch me with it.

so do you imagine us laughter laughing together like four days ago i'm so happy now i guess the lanes ended up getting along i know and i guess that's the lane's experience like waxing all sorts of guys dicks did prepare her to be sort of fearless touching her cock ring

So, and then after she does all this, she then helps serve dessert to the boys. We shake hands with people. I don't think a wiener is any worse. I mean, you wash the wiener and you pretty much put it away. Hands do way grosser things. You know, I'd rather shake your wiener than your hand. I'm sure there will be some people who will take you up on that offer. Just say it. Call me. My DMs are open.

Another Cade Maddox movie. So then Fraser is like, well, we hope you enjoyed your evening this evening. We hope you enjoyed your evening this evening. We're so sorry for being total bitches. I'm like, well, I guess we're balanced as an M. Yeah, we just kind of ruined that one. So next day...

Well, it's charter day five of five. And so the guests are ready to depart. I mean, basically, we just have to say they shortened this whole thing and they do a montage. They're like, here's day two. Here's day three. Here's day four. Here's day... And it's... Look how tired they are. Like the crew is tired from just, you know, getting drinks from some generally very nice men.

So, yeah, they make it to day five of five. And Kyle is talking to Soleil and he's like, tomorrow we finish work and me and you are going for a drink. She's like, okay. Yeah. Okay. Maybe dinner. Okay. But I think maybe a drink, just a drink.

Like, maybe because I thought I had too much of Scottish. Yeah, you never have enough too much Scottish. Okay. Like, okay. So he wants her. And so now they're leaving and Sky's like, you guys, thank you so much for this wonderful week. Chef, this food was out of this world from me and the boys. Moi. It's like, come on, that's it? I thought there was going to be some flourisher here or something, Sky. You know, it was nothing but dick jokes the whole time and now you're just like, bye. So they leave. You're right.

Yeah. And Fraser, Anthony calls his mom and he's like, mother, things are going okay. Well, I almost killed somebody, but otherwise it's okay. But I don't know about Fraser. I still don't know. I need to talk to Fraser.

And then Fraser was talking to Jess and he's like, how cool is Damo? He's super attractive. And I spoke to my boyfriend about it and I was like, it's fine for me to make out with other people, right? And he was like, absolutely not. And Jess was like, well, explain your relationship. And she's like, well, I've seen him for five days in 2024 and each day was absolutely stupid. I don't know why I'm with this man. Probably because I'm hideous and have no self-esteem.

Yeah, so he thinks it might be the wrong time. He's like, you know, it's just that I'm fed up of having a pen pal and calling it boyfriend.

So then Carrie gets the tip meeting going in the Sky Lounge, the Sky Knox Lounge. And they're going to change the name of Sky Lounge after this. Shitty tip. Sky. Seriously. Shitty tipper. So he's like, all right, you all did great. The tip doesn't reflect it. It's $19,990. He even took $10 to tip a cabbie out of the $20,000.

So that's really bad. I'm sorry about that. You would expect more from a barrel of dicks, but that's what we get. And unfortunately, it's all in singles. You know, I like the last charter gave $30,000 off of like a standard two and a half days, you know, trip. So the fact that these like you would think it would be at least like a roundabout double, maybe a little bit lower. And like 19,000. Congratulations, Contessa. Yeah.

You are finally off the hot seat. The gay porn stars are now the new high bar for bad tippers on this show. Yeah, terrible. Terrible, awful, embarrassing. For a moment, I thought there was going to be a misdirection. Like...

this tip doesn't even reflect your work. It reflects more. They gave you 50,000, but I was like, whoa, 19,000. That's mortifying. No, this was shameful. So he's going to send them to dinner instead. And they're like, oh my God, then we saw so much penis. I've never seen so much penis in my life. And that was penis waxer.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm looking up. I'm looking to see if Sky Knox has, um, has like made a statement because sometimes this happens when they get like shamed for their tipping. I'm going to see if he like says something like guys, you don't really understand. Like we wanted to give a bigger tip, but then production advised us not to. I'm wondering if he's going to like have some sort of statement, but I don't see anything, but I will keep tabs on it and I will report back to see if he's been publicly shamed. Okay. Yeah.

So then the crew goes out and then they're partying back at the place. And the big news is they're getting sexy in the hot tub. And Kyle is playing the guitar in his cabin, which of course he is. Let's just show him like I'm going to go be autistic. But then the big news is Fraser and Demo make out.

And Demo tells us, yeah, you know, he's a good kisser. You know, and listen, I've absolutely kissed a guy before, you know. I mean, one day I saw this guy and he's good looking and I said, what the fuck am I gay? But I guess I've just been open to it because I thought maybe I could be potentially gay, like maybe be 50, have two kids and a wife and be like, hey, honey, I'm leaving you for a man. You know, that could be me. Who knows it? So why not get it while it's here? Yeah.

I love him preloading his midlife crisis. He's like, I'm just getting ready for it, getting some practice in, gonna try it out with Fraser. So I'm gonna make out with him in the hot tub, which was like, whoa. Also, I wish we had had some sort of like buildup, but they just started kissing out of nowhere. There wasn't any like anything. They just- Well, we saw some buildup earlier where he was like, are you hot? Am I hot hot? No, are you hot? Like hot or am I hot? No, are you hot hot? I mean, for Fraser, that's like the notebook. Yeah.

Absolutely disgusting. I love it. So Fraser's like, well, I do have a boyfriend, but I'm not exactly worried about it. And if he's mad, he probably won't be able to tell me off about it for six months or so. And then only the quick dinner to Applebee's. So...

I can take this. So then everyone leaves and now Kyle and Selena left there and Kyle's like, well, you know, do you want to kiss? She's like, yeah, okay. Come over here. He's like, okay. So he like, he like paddles across the pool and then he like, they start making out. It's like very well aware that I fall pretty quickly. She just needs to look at me the right way. And then I'm like, that's it. I love her. She's mine. I fucking have a problem.

And so Lane's like, I don't know. You know, men are stupid. But who knows where it could go? I have not seen him rinse off a cold cut yet. So I just don't know if he's my type of man. I enjoy kiss. Okay.

And that's the end of the episode. So, you know, a little anticlimactic. I was expecting more chaos from this five-day trip. But that's okay. They can all be crazies and fun times. And we will be back next week with more of Kao's descent into bad bosundom. So enjoy that. And we'll catch you on the next Crappies episode, everyone. Bye. Bye.

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