226: Bert Kreischer & Ari Shaffir
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You can roll on this. Okay, roll it up. Here's my problem. I said something super funny on Chris DiStefano and Giannis Papas' podcast about therapy. And as soon as I said it, I went, I should have said that for my act.

That's the only problem I have is like I should. Why can't you just use it in your ass? You can do it. Oh, no. Buddy, I had a joke about. You can't repeat. We can't from a pod to a special. No. Why not? Really? No, because your special is special. You can add to it. You can hone it. You can make it bigger. Maybe you can build to it. But like I had a joke. I told Tom a joke one time.

that it made him laugh so hard that I went, I'm going to use that in my act. I took a shit in Japan, so a big one time the guy next to me threw up. And it's a true story. And he threw up, and it was in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me. So he was like, ugh. And so Tom laughed hysterically. I wanted to open my special, hey, big boy, or razzle dazzle. Hey, big boy, I wanted to open it with it. I wanted to open with that joke. And I was opening with that, and this is what was happening in the audience. Because they heard it on the pod. Oh.

You heard it. A joke's special because you hear it that one time. And so I changed it to a joke that happened with Ari the week before he drugged me. I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. She was like, fuck, you guys need separate rooms. And so it's funny, but it's not as good as the Japan one. I like a good shit joke. I love shit jokes. Wow. See, we're lucky because no one listens to this.

So we can just repeat ours. It was good seeing you guys. Hey, check out my special Lucky Streaming right now on Netflix. It's Cookie. You're in the top ten, baby. I watched it. You come out swinging. I mean, it's blowjob right out of the gate. Yeah. It's the opposite of Nanette. You know how I... Well, same body. Most special is the opposite of Nanette. That's true. She still has one of my favorite jokes. Yeah? Oh, yeah. I got riped? I got... That one? All right.

This is why you guys are great podcasters, is that you're so quick. It's why you also can do crowd work, because your crowd work's just topical shit you throw away anyway. That's why you guys are so good, is you're just quick and funny, and you're always writing. Someone like me, and this is why I have a hard time on some podcasts and on roasts, is I'm a storyteller. So I have to tell you the thing that happened to me. You're personal. I'm personal. And...

Yeah, but God, that was funny. Your people want your life. I don't know if they want mine. I do. I don't even know if I want mine. Brand new kid. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I got some kid stuff. The best compliment I ever got was I posted a video of Leanne pulling bladder infections.

Uh-oh. We heard you wanted cranberry. We wanted grapefruit. Oh, yeah. I can't do grapefruit because I'm on blood pressure medicine. Might be a sign that you should slow down the drinking. No, no, no, no, no. Blood pressure medicine. You're going to have poison, not grapefruit. Grapefruit counteracts with medications. Is that right? Yeah, so you can't take medications and grapefruit. That's going to kill my blue chew. Definitely don't do that. Wait, are you on a blue chew for real? Wait, is it bad for your heart?

We're good. All right, shit. Oh, God. No, what was I just saying? Oh, I posted a video. Leanne and I, right after the cruise, we went to, what did you say? What is this shit? It's grapefruit. It's grapefruit. Shut the fuck up. Let's drink some Bodega Cat. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, you were saying. No, hey, listen. Can I tell you? We got approached by Whiskey first.

And my initial thing was,

They already got Bodega Caps. You and Tom both told me that. Yeah. It's very nice of you guys. It's like, why would you compete with a friend when you can do something that no one's doing? Did you hear that, Gaffigan? Is Gaffigan out of whiskey? What's it called? Seven Children? It's called Father Time. It's a good name. Solid. But you're a vodka guy anyway. Let me tell you a story. I sat on a plane next to a fucking beautiful man one time. I was leaving Philly. And early flight.

hungover and the lady comes up she goes can I get you a drink and I said Heineken in the can no glass just a can please she goes okay I'm very specific about my cocktails she says sir can I get you a drink and he goes oh I wouldn't mind something he goes double Tito's and soda please and I went ooh vodka this early and he went it's in my contract

I went, what? And he goes, I'm a male model. So the only thing I'm contracted, able to drink is vodka. Because it doesn't bloat you. It keeps you skinny. And I went, hmm. I said, ma'am.

Can I change mine to a double Tito's and soda? And that day forward, I drank only Tito's. Well, how do you explain the bloat? I don't know. I guess it doesn't work for everybody. Why? He's not being shot there. He was going to a shoot or something. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and I heard that conversation. I had that conversation, and I went, all right, I'm a vodka guy. And then that year. The bottle flying first is doing pretty well, too. Yeah. Dude, he was gorgeous. His name was Tad. Tad.

Tad. Holy shit. Tad. I mean, you know the kind of face where you go, do you need to shave? That's the perfect color skin. Right. It's just perfectly tan with a great jawline. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. It must be nice. Yeah. Tad. You want to hear another good story? Sure. I hope it's better than that one. That one was a Tad gay. A Tad.

Never mind. You guys go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a great album, Dad Gay. Dad Gay.

Well, gay guys are the only ones looking at male models. I don't think women are even looking at male models. You never see a woman with a model poster on their wall, do you? I don't know. It's the same thing with big dicks. Women don't care about big dicks. We care about big dicks. Thank God. I only want a big dick to show other men. Yeah. Good point. Or like Chris Evans. You want it to leak. All these big dick guys just happen to have their dicks leaked. Brad Pitt.

Do you remember Brad Pitt's dick pic? Is he packing heat? Brad Pitt's kind of thog. Really? A thog? Yeah. What does that mean? A thog. A thick hog? Yeah, a thick hog. Wait, I didn't know this. Yeah, look at Brad. That's not, I mean. That's good. But you gotta remember, he's 6'3".

6'1". Is he 6'1"? 6'2". Look, he's always... Wait a minute. I don't know if that's a thog. It's better than mine. No, I've seen your dick. Let me zoom in. Pull up my dick. This is getting pretty gay that I'm pulling you in on it. I'm a tad gay. Pull up my dick. I don't know if that's that. On the right, he looks pretty good. That's not in the right home about it. And it's not hard. It's not hard. Yeah, it's not hard.

All right, go to who's married to Katy Perry. I love that we're not even drunk yet. We're like, let's look at pictures of dudes. Wait, who's Katy Perry? Katy Perry. Russell Brand? No. Orlando Bloom's dick's pretty nice. Really? Paddle boarding naked in the ocean. Pull it up. I've seen this a lot. Oh, boy. See, men know dicks. Look at this. Whoa. Yeah.

All right, all right. It's a good dick. Uncut. But why? Uncut. That's pretty good soft. All right, now type in Burt Kreisberg. It's an uncut gem. It's an uncut gem. Interesting. Uncut is wild to put out in the sun, but it's got a little hood. Just go to images. It's not going to get sunburned. Okay, far left. Far left. Yeah. Oh, I remember this photo. Oh, yeah. Hey, see that? Now that looks way better. So here's the deal.

So I got really turned on to, they call them meat prints. Is this like a Hollywood walk of fame star before your dick? No, this is, look, my brain's not like your brains, okay? So the way I see marketing sometimes is a little different. So I was following dudes online.

who had big dicks and were doing posts about nothing, but you saw their dick in their pants, and then I would be like, every fucking video, you'd see his dick in his pants. And I was like, and it's called Meat Prince. So I was like, dude, I'm going to start putting in Meat Prince. So I posted a picture. Yeah. Oh, Ham. Meat Prince. Jon Hamm has a fucking hog. That's a hog. You can see the head of his dick in that. And it's wide. Yeah. Yeah.

So, like, if I ever took a gym picture, right, I'd always make sure that my dick was a little hard and it was in the pants so that people would go, you look great. And then a couple guys goes, look at his dick. Yes. Then you get the comments running. They're like, dude, look at his fucking hog. Yeah. And then this one I was like, let's just do straight up dick. Did you chub at all or is that natural? It's almost rock hard, Mark. Yeah.

It's almost rock hard. Smart. Smart move. And people are like, dude, we get it. You lost weight. I go, you're missing the pick. If you were near a playground, you'd be banned for that, right? Yeah, 100%. The sad thing is my daughters are on my Instagram. Dude, we posted a video the other day of Leanne explaining how her sex toy works. And Isla was like...

Isla was like, Dad, never post that again. Seriously, Dad, I'm on your Instagram. What kind of sex toy?

It's from this place called Woo More Play. Woo More Play. Sounds like my Asian ex. Woo More Play. Yeah, go to that website. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one with the heart. That one. Yeah. And so Leanne never used a toy in her whole fucking life, right? Sure. Never used a toy. Never would never. I mean, I'm speaking a little out of school, but like.

She was very meat and potatoes. Like, just, you had sex. And that was it. Nothing came into the room. Nothing, like, nothing wild. Yep. And then she got on testosterone. I talk about it on the special. And, man, she turned into a whore. And she started listening to other women talk about shit they liked. And she said, let's try that. And there's a woman named...

Bostic. Michael and... I'm sorry, I can't remember her name right now. Bostic is her last name. And she sent Leanne this and said, try this and then try their lube. It's like crazy good because it's coconut oil-based, so it smells great and it doesn't... It's not like a lube. Lube feels like whore gel, you know? Yeah. Like you're like... You ever have to put too much lube on your hand and you can't jerk off because you can't feel it? Yeah. And you're like... It's slippery. Yeah. And you're like, I feel like a dolphin swimming. Yeah. And so...

And Macaulay Culkin could use this in Home Alone to trip him up, you know? Dude, lube is gross. Yeah. And you feel like you just fucked a whore, and you're like, ugh. Right. But this woo shit that they have is like, it smells great, and then it's like, it's amazing. It's also edible. And what does that do? Does that put on the clit, I assume? No, no. God damn it. So this is what the video is about. Oh, okay. Leanne got all her friends one.

And her friend tried to put her husband's dick through that. She didn't know how it worked. What? Yeah. He must have a weird-shaped cock. What the hell? He's Asian. That's just true. Woo hand job. Oh, wow. I'm going to need another cocktail. I'm learning a lot here. I'll get the wife one. I'll tell you, man. Leanne got into this, like,

very adventurous sexual phase of her life. I saw that at the Superdome. She would not leave you alone. You guys went in the bathroom like three times. She is, she is, I don't know, man. It's like, I don't know what happened to her. It's like being married to a different person. Yeah. I'm very happy now. Like, I was always happy, but I didn't know, like, you couldn't order anything other than a cheeseburger. Right. Right? And I was like, cool, I like cheeseburgers. Everyone likes cheeseburgers. Sure, I look at fucking Turducken and I'm like, that would be fucking all amazing, right? Sure. But I was like, I got cheeseburger. I always order cheeseburger. Yeah.

And then one day she was like, yo, you ever put peanut butter on a cheeseburger? And I was like, okay. Right. Try it. I was like, that's fucking good. And she was like, yo, fuck the cheeseburger. Let's get pizza. And I was like, okay, I'm in. And so we're in this wild phase right now. It's been really fun. Well, it's weird God set it up so strange because we're horny as shit at 19 to 28. And then women aren't that horny. And then they're horny as shit from like,

39 to 52. Yeah. And then so that's why I always liked Cougars when I was young. That's why they want to fuck the 19 year olds. Exactly. They're fucking all the students in Florida. Yeah. But yeah, I always went after Cougars because they were like a guy. Yeah. They're getting fucked on the banned books in Florida. Yeah. People go, if Leanne died, would you marry like a young girl? And I went, no.

I go right back to where I was. Perimenopausal is the fucking best. The best. You can shoot all in there. No kid. I'm attracted to all our peers, all our female comics that are perimenopausal. I go like, I bet- Give me a name. Sarah. I bet Sarah's a fucking wolf. Sarah Silverman. Sarah fucking Chelsea? Yeah. Come on. Leanne Morgan? Oh, shut the fuck up, Miss Pat.

Oh, I tried. Dude, Sarah's hot as fuck. She's a very attractive lady. Sarah's gorgeous. She doesn't age. No. It's so funny. She came and did the podcast for maybe my cooking show. And her and Leanne just went immediately into menopause talk. They're both going through menopause.

Now, what is that? No period. No kids. No period. But you kind of turn into a dude a little bit. I like that. You're like your testosterone ups up and you like it's like real. I should rephrase that. But women start really achieving when they hit menopause. That's when they get like they're that's when they get their like second wind to become like fucking gangsters. Right. Martha Stewart fucking menopause fucking boom.

Good point. She's still rocking, too. She's like in her 80s. She looks amazing. She looks great. Dude. You know she fucks and she'll make you a hell of a sandwich after. Yes. But she won't let you eat it in bed. Yeah, that's true. That's true. No, no, no. We get up and we put on a shirt if we're going to eat a sandwich. Jeffrey? Jeffrey. Also, she's been to jail, so she's kind of like dirty. She's got an edge. She's got an edge. Yeah. Exactly. She was scissoring in there. What do you think the hottest, oldest-

Betty White. Ethnicity. Oh, oh, oh. Well, J-Lo is cooking at 52 or whatever. She looks great. Yeah, a little color definitely helps you not crack. Yeah, Irish, 52. Looks like a fucking dry foot. Yeah. No offense. It's like an old potato. Put a Desenex on their face. There's their son-daughter over there. Yeah. But that's got to be tough.

I think Ben Affleck's kid is trans as well. Oh, yeah? What's going on in L.A.? Bert, tell us. Your kids are not trans, right? No, they're not. I don't know. We're not on Rogan. We're going to change it. Oh, God. I'm going to get it. It looks like Adam Friedland. What the fuck are you doing? Oh, I don't know. He put the picture up. You bet. You bet.

That's not Ben Affleck's kid, though. It's her kid. I think his is trans as well. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. This is why I say shut the fuck up about that, right? I said this to you as my friend. Don't you want to meet Ben Affleck and him to go like, hey, dude, I fucking, you're awesome. I didn't say anything bad. I just said his kid is trans, which is a fact. Yeah, you just noticed it.

Yeah, no, his kid's trans. It was an observation. Yeah, I mean, Jersey girl was bad, you know? But the town was good, though. The town was great. The town was fucking. The town rules. Bro, I watched that on repeat where he goes, I'm going to ask you to do something. I can have no questions, but it's going to involve some crimes. We're going to maybe kill someone. Are you in? He goes, whose car are we taking? Yeah. Shut the fuck up, Jeremy Renner. I guess you hyped up. God.

Jeremy Renner crushes that. Okay, I know there's people that clip out everything from every podcast in the world. And I know you probably hate me. Can you just do me a favor and clip out all the best scenes from every movie like this and let me watch them so I get pumped the fuck up?

I like that. Like when they used to, remember at sporting events, they used to do that where they would like, they'd be like, it would be like Peter Finch from Network and he'd be like, I want you to stand up and I want you to yell and it'd be like, let's go Mets. Let's go. But it would get you, they'd get you the fucking Hoosier scene where they're just like, oh, what team do you play for? USA. Shut the fuck up. How about that great scene where Jeremy Renner gets hit by the snowplow? All right.

Don't you want to meet him one day and have a say to you? Shut up, Salacuse, you copycat. It's crazy because I've definitely done that where I've talked shit about people, and I've done it wildly, and then they've approached me about it. Who? Give us a name. I'm surprised you don't want to meet anybody after that Sandler meet. That was legendary. So bad. What happened? Sandler? What?

You didn't see that? No. Oh, this is a classic. Who have you met, though, before we get to this? Who have you met where it's been bad? Dax Shepard. Oh. Why? I was doing podcasts, and you're fucking around, and you're like, Tom and I are doing a podcast, and he's like, yo, Dax Shepard's got a new podcast, number one podcast in the country. I was like, I fucked Dax Shepard. What? I just started trashing Dax Shepard. What? What?

You're lecturing him. I wouldn't be in the fence all the time. Well, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't say, fuck that guy. I'd just say, yeah, you got a trans kid. But you know when you talk wild and you're just drunk? Sure. And I just trash him and I'm like, dude, I don't know what I said. I went off, you know? Yeah. You know when your boy's like egging you on and you're like, and he's laughing, so you're like, I'll make him laugh harder. Right, right. And then two things happen. Number one, I got a Dax Shepard shirt in the mail.

whoa he sent a message passive-aggressive and i was like oh fuck it's like a horse head in the bed yeah then i gotta then like i don't talk to him for like by the way i have big stuff coming out where i'm not doing i would love to have done this podcast you know like the movie came out i would love to have done this podcast but like yo i talked shit it's like you just you dig that you laid in the hole you did right you talk shit on the number one podcast

Dude. Is it number one? That's what he just said. It was the number one podcast at the time. Oh, jeez. It was so fucking hot. And it still is a huge podcast. First, you know who else sucks? Caller Daddy, Rogan. Good way to get on. Hold on. Gavin Newsom. We know dudes that have trashed Rogan publicly that haven't even been on his podcast. That's true. And they're doing it because they're bummed that he's not returning their call.

I have no idea. He has seven numbers ago. It's like a chick. Good point. It's like a chick who you're mad about and you're outside the window with a fucking stereo. Yeah. She moved houses. Right. She doesn't even live in that house anymore. And you're out there going, why isn't she opening her window? Yeah. Yeah. So then Dax says to me, so then I get a call and they're like, yo, this happened with a couple of people I've trashed. Damn. I want to hear the other names too. I know. I can't wait. Kevin Hart.

What? Yeah, but not like a real trashing, but like it's the whole name of this special is Lucky, and it's because I got- At the end, do you say thanks? I'm Kevin Hart? No. That would be a horrible idea. Horrible idea. What a hack move. Yeah, so stupid. I had a period of time where I was tired of hearing about people's hard work.

I was like, yo, you can work your ass off. We all know guys who bust their ass. Sure. Every day. Every day they show up to the club, they have new jokes, they're working their ass off, but they just haven't had the lucky break. The one thing, you know, and everyone can identify that lucky break is like something really great happens to you and then all of a sudden it opens up the fucking world to you. And so, and Kevin Hart used to say,

And by the way, Kevin, I'm already sorry for what I'm about to say. Oh, boy. But Kevin, I want you to say, you know, I'm the hardest working man in comedy. I'm the hardest working man in comedy. And at the time, it was kind of like grating on my ears because I was like, no, we all work hard. But you have had lucky breaks. I want to hear about – I just wanted to hear about the lucky break. I wanted to hear – just tell me a lucky break so that that gives me hope. Right. That I can believe in luck. Like, hard work – dude –

There's a dude digging a hole listening to this right now going, yeah, I bust my ass every day. I can't catch a break. True. And I was like – and so an agent came up to me. Uh-oh. And he goes, I heard what you said about Kevin Hart. You want to know his lucky break? I said, I would love to. He said – He did Dax Shepard's podcast and it put him over the top. No. No. This is wild. Yeah. He goes, Kevin Hart –

Kevin Hart did Soul Plane. Oh, yeah. It didn't do well. So he got put on timeout. Yeah. Right. You hop off the carousel and you got to wait until it goes around a couple times to get back on. Yeah. And then they have a movie called Fool's Gold with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson. Yes.

Cat Williams is supposed to play the gangster in that. Cat Williams packs a gun in his luggage and he gets arrested at the airport. Was that his regular gun or the movie gun? His regular gun. Okay. Did he not know you're not supposed to do that? I don't know. Cat Williams. Principal photography starting in a week. They already have a wardrobe for a small black man.

I want to hear that story. Tell me that story. That's a great story. That's the story I can hang my hat on. We need like James Belushi to like fucking get arrested for weed and like Bert's stepping in, dude. According to Bert. But every comic's got a viral lucky moment. A lucky moment. That's a good point. And it makes you go viral. And I'll do it for everyone. I'll do it for everyone if you want. But I can tell you, Burrs, you know Burrs. Yeah. The heckle thing? The filly. Yeah. For you, it's the machine. 100%.

100%. Look at Africa in the top pocket. Yeah. It's that lucky moment. Mine was December 27th, a woman named Kristen Hodgson opened up an iPad. She got it for Christmas. It opened up two days late. She uploads Facebook. The first video that she sees is my machine story. And she writes, I was in Bert's Russian class. I was on this trip. The story is 100% true. He fucking robbed us. Wow. I should not have done that. It's like, this is how much I believe in luck.

Like, okay, I'm on my sixth special, my fourth Netflix special. Yeah. Maybe I don't do, maybe I only do two. You know, Secret Time comes out, does okay. Next one comes out, I'm like, I hope it does well. My special dropped March 17th, 2020. Ah.

Oh, the pandemic. Stay-at-home orders were March 14th. If that's not fucking luck, I don't know what is. Good call. And if you don't identify your luck, then you're being disingenuous to the people. I had a similar thing happen February 2020. My YouTube thing came out. Not a lot of YouTube specials existed at the time, so that gave me a nice little bump.

Same with you. Same with me, yeah. I remember talking to you on the phone about it. Thank God for the pandemic. Yeah. Thank God for luck. Nothing bad happened from that. No, no. But yeah, you're right. There's always something. There's always a thing. Like, thank God with Burrs, there was a camera rolling. Can you imagine? And it still worked. And it still worked. Yeah. Jim Jeffries, you ready? Oh, the punch. Pull up.

It was like CCTV. But Jim had like three. Jim also had the gun bit. No, no, no, no. But that's a bit. No, no, no. That's a bit. That's a great bit. Jim Jeffries. Here's what's crazy. Brett Pinter. No, Andres. Andres. Andres. 3,000. No, no. Brett is Andres' brother. Andres' brother.

And Brett's a manager in there. And so Brett, he knew how to edit. He knew how. He was Jim's manager. Oh, wow. Jim could have never posted that on MySpace. Jim's never used a fucking computer in his life. Right. So there's crazy luck that applies to life. And I feel if you identify your luck, you're that much smarter of a man. And don't sit there and go, I deserve this. No, no, no. I got lucky as fuck. I met a guy one time.

Who was like, hey, man, I'd love for you to do my podcast. I was like, yeah, I don't really know what podcasts are, but that would be cool. Fucking Joe Rogan. Damn. Come on, man. Come on. What the fuck are we talking about? Who's another guy that you talk shit about that had to run into? Because this is interesting. Jack Shepard was the one. He was the one. Jack Shepard. I'm doing a podcast with a guy I trashed on Rogan. Uh-oh. Who? Gene Simmons. Oh.

Dax Shepard came. And so, like, I would get texts or a thing. Kevin Hart wants you to be on his podcast. And I would be like, cool. Because I know I kind of made fun. Like, I would trash him for the hard work shit. But I was like, I know we're cool. And I hung out with him at the Brady Roast. Yeah. We're fine. We're totally fine. And it's cool that they have you on. One thing, they're like, fuck him. I never want to see him again. But they're like, no, let's talk about it. And so, I get a text a couple times. Dax Shepard for Two Bears? And I'm like, yeah. In my head, I go, like, I hope so. I'd love to, you know, call him.

clear the air or whatever yeah yeah maybe he didn't hear it so dax shepherd comes on two bears and i was like hey man such a fan he's like oh we're so similar man like so cool he's like yo i have a tour bus at my house i was like no way he's like yeah he's like can i see your tour bus i was like yeah and we're clicking we're clicking and i was like nice bring him into the fucking podcast house and he's like dude this is great that you do this here man this is crazy we get up and i was like dude it's so good to have you and he was like why did you trash me oh and i'm

He hit it. He hit it. But yeah, but he's – and I was like – and I told him. I was like, dude, when you do podcasts as much as we do, you talk recklessly. You say wild shit. He's like, yeah, I know how podcasts work. I have the number one podcast in the world. And he goes, man, I've never trashed anybody. And he was like – and I was like, hey, man, if it's any consolation, I was trashing fucking Will Arnett and Jason Bateman too. And he was like, they're on my network. And I was like –

Well, dude, the thing is, you realize we talk so much. Of course. And we record it all. And we're drunk. Yes. And we're drunk and we go, and we're like, I remember one time going on Rogan and I was like, yo, I'm not going to trash anybody. I'm going to celebrate everybody. Like anytime a name comes up, I'm going to say how much I love them. And I did it. The next day, I never happened on Rogan before. I got,

like 10 texts from everyone like dude that was so cool of you you're the best man thank you so much i love you to death and i was like i should stop trashing people yeah but it's so fun i know and it's both are fun it's fun to put people over too yeah cosby i love your later i love him i think epstein was really cool um simmons was the wildest one well what did you kiss what do you say about him so i met gene simmons like 22 years ago he was a cunt he was an absolute fucking cunt

I mean, like top to bottom, I was the biggest Kiss fan, dressed as Gene Simmons for Halloween, did my talent show, dressed as Gene Simmons, and I've never been more let down than a celebrity in my entire life. Wow. So I go on Rogue and I tell the whole story. Oh. What a fucking dick. And I start saying, hashtag fuck Gene Simmons. Jesus. Fuck Gene Simmons. Fuck Gene Simmons. And so. Lick it up. But I go burn it to the ground. I don't care, right? Yeah. So I'm at the forum.

I'm at... Well, you never think you're going to see Dean Simmons. I'm at Tommy's show at the Forum. So we were all doing the Forum that week, like Netflix and a joke. We did Tom Brady, Tommy... Schultz did one? Or Gillis? No, no, no. They did the...

the staples center oh jesus christ fucking 42 000 or some shit jesus we were all doing the forum hey by the way still a big lift okay that's a great great greek i would fucking disagree we did it with you yeah oh that's right yeah that was a hell of a show we opened that that was fun we did ivs um and i'm at tommy's show i'm doing it friday tommy's like wednesday maybe i'm saturday tommy's thursday

And I'm at the bar and at the club and Gene Simmons' son comes up to me. Uh-oh. And he's like, dude, I'm such a fan. And immediately I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, boy. I go, oh, that's so cool, man. I'm a fan of his too because I've seen him on stuff. And I watched their show Family Jewels. And I found him and his sister very fucking funny and relatable. And I love their mom. I love their mom.

And so I go, cool. And he goes, I'd love to introduce you to my dad. And I was like, I'm going to pass. And he goes, why? I said, I, you know, man, I just, uh, I'm good. I'm good. And he goes, hold on. He treated you like shit. And I went, yeah. And he goes, what's the story? And I go, I'd rather not share. And he goes, hold on. He goes, mom, come here.

Brings his mom over. The hot blonde. Yes. Shannon Tweed. That's it. Gorgeous. She goes, she goes, my husband treated you like shit. I want to hear the story. And so I tell them the story. I tell them the full fucking story. And they're like, cool, we'll fix this. And they're like, dad, get over here. And he comes over and he goes, uh,

So nice to meet you. I'm Gene Simmons. And I go, yeah. His son goes, Dad, you treated him like an asshole like fucking 20 years ago. You need to apologize. And he goes, I'd like to hear the story. So I tell the story of Gene treating me like an asshole 22 years ago. And he looks at me and goes...

I sincerely apologize. Hey! I am not that person today. I have had missteps. Was he an alcoholic or something? No, no. He was a rock star. He was famous when you couldn't be famous. Right. We're all famous now and we shouldn't be famous. You are. You are. You get recognized walking down the street. New York's different. No. You get recognized walking down a street in Toledo. Yeah, but you walk. I had a crazy one. The bus driver pulled the bus over to say hi to me.

Damn. That was a fucking wild one. But the special just dropped. New York's a weird place because the first time I ever got recognized for anything was Secret Time, and it was in New York. They all fucking check out Netflix. Yeah, they love it. You know what? The working man. I'll get the garbage man going, comedy. That's a great feeling. Dude, I got the one guy smoking a joint.

in a nook, like one of those door nooks on the street. Yeah. And he goes, hey. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, fuck you. I said, what? And he goes, you got me crying in my van today. And I was like, oh. And he was like, fucking dogs. 5'6", Puerto Rican, about 180 pounds. Only a New Yorker opens with fuck you. Yeah. And it's a good thing. But it's a compliment. Yeah, yeah. That's what I love about this city. Damn. Yeah, I get the cops every now and then, too. Hey, comedy, comedy. They love Rogan. Can I tell you what's crazy? So...

I went to Paris. I understand this is going to sound a tad bit disconnected, but I don't care. I went to Paris, and I didn't get recognized. I got recognized like three times in Paris. Well, they're sophisticated over there. By the way, the shitting on people has worked. It's gotten you to meet these people. So maybe it's a move. You got Dax in there. You got Gene Simmons. It shouldn't be the move. Kevin Hart. I trashed Reese Witherspoon one time. Really? What did you say? I don't know.

You haven't met her yet, though. No. Come on in, Reese! Why did I look? Oh, no, we don't. I was in Paris, and it's crazy. I don't know if you guys... If you can do this yet, but like...

I can tell you someone's going to recognize me before they recognize me. Yeah, you can see it. I can see, like, you're my guy. Yeah. You're my guy. You don't know me. Like, if I saw him walking down the street, I was like, what's up, dude? And he'd be like, oh, shit. Like, I can figure out my guys. Yeah, fellow chubster. Yeah. Beard, chub. Yeah.

My guy, right? Sure. Plannel shirt. Oh, yeah. Fucking comfortable shoes, plantar fasciitis. That's my guy. So I was with a DJ. I don't know if you know who he is. DJ Zed is his name. And he's a very big DJ. And we were at some tennis tournament last week. Hey, cute kid. You know all his songs. Every song he's ever done is every song you've ever heard in your entire life. Got it. Girl.

He said to me... I'm Norman today. Nice. I said, I can tell you who's going to recognize me. And he went, really? And I said, yeah. I said, watch this. And we were standing at the tennis tournament. This guy walks by. I go, right here. Here we go. What's up? And he goes, oh, shit, the machine. And he goes, yeah. And I go... He goes, well, I guess I can do the same thing. I go, really? And he goes, yeah, watch this. And I go, what? And he goes, Asian. Hey. And they go...

So I'm in Paris and I'm seeing dudes who should be fans of mine. I'm seeing guys that I go, this table is going to fucking lose their shit when I walk in. And they're not recognizing me. And I wanted to go over and be like, you guys...

I need to introduce you to something. Based on your clothing and your facial hair, you should be a big fan of this. They want Gad Amelay or some shit over there. Gad Amelay? That's his name, right? He's like the big French guy. He's a big French comedian. Oh, yeah. They call him the French Seinfeld. Oh, he was Seinfeld's boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's huge over there. He does like arenas and whatnot. But I don't know if they like American comedy. We're like American. It's so lowbrow.

They think we're stupid. Yeah, but then you see the shit they laugh at, and you're like, we're lowbrow. That's true. You like fucking mimes. Yeah, good point. Hang on, some of the mime shit's good as fuck. It's incredibly, like, it takes an insane skill set, but it's not like comedy I want to watch. No. I followed boy with the tape on his face. Oh, dude, he beat me on America's Got Talent. Oh, tape face? He's good. He fucking rules. But that's, like, chaplain-esque type shit. Yeah, he's good. That's incredible. And he's American.

British? No, he's definitely British. I was at the comedy store in London. He is incredibly talented. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to fucking smoke this shit. No, I talked to him afterwards. He was like, great set, mate. Oh, really? Yeah, no, he was really nice. I could get my wife to do that bit. Tape. It's called hostage tape. People are using that shit. It's going viral right now. Are you using that? I've never heard of this. Are you using that stuff? No, Rogan tried to turn me on to it. I'm like, I'm not going to tape my mouth shut.

What the hell is hostage tape? My thing is talking. Maybe if I used hostage tape on Two Bears, people would watch it more. That's the original Ozempic. You can't eat.

What is this? I guess it's supposed to help you sleep, right? What? So you breathe through your nose instead of your mouth. You tape your mouth shut, and then you breathe through your nose. You don't snore, and you sleep better. So apparently mouth breathing... You ever heard something be called a mouth breather? Sure, sure. And they're like dumb? Yes. Well, it's because you don't give enough oxygen to your brain, so you actually are dumb. Interesting. I am a hardcore mouth breather. I'm such a mouth breather. And this is why Joe and I started talking about this was...

I would swell my uvula because I breathed through my mouth so hard while I slept. So you know that little thing that dangles, your little goozle? Yeah, yeah. In the back? In the back. Yeah, the hangy ball. The hangy ball? Mine would swell up.

- Whoa. - 'Cause I breathed through my mouth so hard. So if I drank too much and passed out, I'd breathe only through my mouth, not through my nose, and it would get so dry it would get swollen. And then it would give me a panic attack. - Sure. Do you wake up, do you get like hangovers where you wake up and you're like fuck? 'Cause you seem like you weather the storm. - I drink, so I drink, every night I drink minimum four liquid deaths right before bed. Right before bed I drink four. - Smart. - That's the hangover secret. - Pete, how many did I have on the floor yesterday?

Seven. I drink seven. Wow. I murder fucking water. Doesn't that make you wake up to piss all night? No, I piss. I piss, yeah. Have you heard? I piss and I go, I'm going back to bed because I'm hydrated and I'm healthy. And I wake up, no fucking shaky head. Come on. Dude, I wake up. I've tried everything. Nothing works for me. I woke up this morning. I got so drunk last night I had a Costa Rican chick take me to my room. And I had to tell her-

Yo. I'm married. It's not happening. She was just a good Samaritan. I didn't know what room I was in. I didn't know my room number. I didn't have a key. She just carried me to my room. Wow. And then I shot her down after all her good work. Yeah, sure. Let's do another round there. Yeah, I'll do another round. Wow. But then I murdered water. I woke up at 6 a.m., went to the gym, ran three miles, did the Today Show. Look what Liquid Death has us talking like. I murdered water.

It's so violent. We drank water. I OJ'd some water. It's liquid death. The delivery system is brilliant. Yeah, and no one believed in it. Like, can of water? What is this? And then it just took off. I did early. Have you tried the Topo Chico seltzer, though? It's fucking unbelievable. Very good. The glass bottle. I don't know why it's so good. It's better in a cocktail. It's very nice in a cocktail. No shit on liquid death. I love you guys. Yeah. Are they a sponsor, Matt?

Well, then you're fine. We're not big enough. They like Theo. They got you. Yeah. Hey, we'll take you to the... We had him for a minute, I think, didn't we? Call in. We'd love to have you. Reach out to Mike. Reach out to Dan. No, we like it. It's good. You know, Dan is Colleen's son. Oh, that's right. Holy shit. From Omaha. Yeah. I love Colleen. Dude, I would argue... I would argue that's maybe the best workout room in the country. Can I tell you, I just talked about... Omaha Funny Boom? I talked about this on a podcast today. I would... I'd bet $10,000. $10,000?

that Andrew Schultz and Shane Gillis have never done the Omaha Funny Bum. Really? I've done it 10 times. I've done it tons of times. You know what they say about Omaha is when a fast food spot wants to try out a new item, they go to Omaha first because it's such a good representation of America. It's America. Well, then why wouldn't the club be the best club for knowing what's going to work in this country? Right. I mean, it's perfect. That room is – I've had like some of my best sets. It's magic in there. Because they're so open-minded. Yes.

Yes. You can kind of go anywhere. I love Omaha. I did Razzle Dazzle in Omaha. People are like, why did you pick Omaha? I go, it's a great comedy town. It is. I did my specials, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Omaha, Tampa. I'm going to do my next one in Tampa, I think. Tampa's killer. I love Tampa. Here's something no one in Tampa has ever said. You can't joke about that. They can take...

I offended one person there in my entire life, and I remember her face because that's how rarely it happens. Would you make fun of Trump? No. What I did was I did that. Remember that alligator joke? Oh, that was Tampa? A woman walked out of the fucking club, took a picture of herself crying, and posted it on their Facebook page. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. What was the joke? Because I think I heard this. Now, we have a very specific response.

to that gator attack. Everyone in Tampa does. Everyone in Florida does. And I think we'd be on your team. Yeah. Is that, yeah, no one ever jumped into a lake and felt safe. Like, there's fucking reptiles in there that eat you, take you to their lair, wait till your body decays, and then finishes you. Yeah. And so, like, when...

It's so funny. What was your joke? I said it was a baby getting eaten by the gator at Disney, and I said, you know, I said, I want to come off like a gun nut, but I think if that baby were armed, he'd still be with us. And then I said, watching the... This was like what set up the whole long bit. I said, the mom came on. I said, a woman got offended in the crowd, so she was like, you can't joke about that. And it literally just happened, so I was just rolling with her, and I said, well, did you even see the baby's funeral on TV? Which obviously it wasn't. They don't televise baby funerals, but she bit.

And she goes, I didn't. I said, well, if you did, you would have seen the mom through tears say, see you later, alligator. So I thought it was beautiful. And that fucking crush. And I was like, okay, that's the start of a bit. And it turned into an eight-minute bit. Because then she wrote an email being like, fuck you. And I'm like, okay, I can read the email now. She helped you. She helped me. She gave me an eight-minute bit. That's amazing. That's how it started. But it went to like fucking a long bit. But it was, you know. That's a lesson.

It's a lesson like we were like, oh shit, like her crying. You getting mad just gave me material. Alligator tears. Leanne got upset about something the other day.

I can say it. What, her sex toy die? No, no. I guess Ari's been going around saying that the... Oh, jeez. Fucking Ari. Dude. He never stops, this guy. You get the good side of him. Yeah. Is that what we've been getting? What'd he do?

I guess he's telling everyone that the drugging was a scripted bit we did. What? I don't know why he's doing it. It's like, I don't really understand why he's doing it, but I don't really care. But I guess it got to Leanne, and it really upset her. It really upset her. But it's not true. So why does it upset her? That's what I said. I go, baby, it's not true.

She goes, I know, but why would he, he apologized and we were good. Why would he just, why wouldn't he just leave that be? Yeah. I go, baby, he's a comedian. Everything's funny. You're, he's looking for something to say on a podcast. I go, I don't know.

And it was so funny because it was like a weird learning moment for her. Right. She goes, I'm going to make a post. And I went, stop right there. No, no, no. Don't post. I go, baby, if you post, that'll make Ari laugh hard as fuck. He wins. And he wins. And I go, your silence is golden. Like, your silence is so precious. To never say a word about something is so precious. Do you know how many times I wanted to send –

I'll say this right now. I had a friend one time who I've always supported say something shitty about me. And it hurt my feelings. It really hurt my feelings. Because this guy sucks. He really sucks in life. And I've always been a fan of his. And I've never said a shitty word. When everyone trashes him, I've never said a shitty word about him. Is this about RE2? No. I'm kidding. And I texted Tom and I said I was drunk. I was like, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to text him. Yeah.

I'm going to put a post out. Tom goes, man, your silence is so precious. Don't say anything. And I never said anything. And now I just don't like the guy. Perfect. I'd much rather not like someone and know you're a shitty person. And I'll tell you exactly what it is in two seconds. Uh-oh. Yeah, and I go, Dax Shepard. Edit that out. No, I'm kidding. No, who was it? Edit it out. Yeah. Put your hand over your mouth so they can't lip read.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, are we in a fucking wide shot this whole time? No. Well, yeah. It's on you. I'll tell you after this. All right, all right, all right. You know, it's interesting because in that situation, Bert, you're like, do I, if I care about the person, I'll confront them. I care about the person so much. I'm such a friend to this person. It bothered me so much that they would take a shot at me and I go, I know who this is. You do. I know now. Did I text you? No, I just, I put it together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't respond to that. It so bothered me. I was like, and then you go, you know what? Your silence is,

Perfect. Don't say anything. Just let it go. Have you run into this person since? No, he's not doing stuff. Oh. That's one of the beauties of this guy being... Oh, wait, no, it's not who you think. Oh, okay. By the way...

Never mind. That I know who you're thinking. And that is so funny that I know who you're thinking because you said, no, he's not doing stuff. Well, you said he was a piece of shit or he's going nowhere. Well, now I know who you're thinking of. This is quite a game of telephone here, of telepathic telephone. This should be a game show. This should be a game. I know who you're thinking, but it's...

not that guy yeah no i told leon i said your silence is is the fucking only thing you have women love that silence is golden yeah that's what every wife wants to hear please put the hostage tape over her mouth and then yeah but yeah smart move why keep it going that's what ari wants and uh i go he's baby he's a comedian yeah i go like most of us are like are like 60 70 percent

and then like 30% human. I go, Ari's 95% comedian, 5% human. You said it once. He might be the most purest comedian just in life. Well, there's definitely anarchists in there too. Yeah, that's part of it. Because I love Ari, but the Kobe shit was not really a joke. That was him just being like, hey, fuck everybody. Exactly. He likes to just find a house doused in gasoline and just throw a match on it. Right. He's a troll. He's a troll. Before Trolls,

By the way, I've never been... But he's an actual funny dude. I would love to be a troll. No, you wouldn't. For a week, just to see how it feels. It wouldn't feel good. Can you imagine? I mean, look. You got to deal with a lot of hate, and that's not easy. But, Bert, the reason you're not a troll is because you're having fun and you're positive. I mean, like, you don't get to do...

There you go. He came to my wedding, and I was nervous the whole time. He was going to light something on fire. Oh, I got fucking lit up with him the night before. I still remember the night me, Stavi, and Ari just ended up at a gas station eating fried chicken. Yeah. And I've told this story before, but Ari and I just fucking hammered and just being like, again, imagine eating this shit sober. And Stav goes, I'm sober. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But he's also hilarious and he does good stuff. He's like Robin Hood. He got kids paid at Montreal. He's a complicated man. He's nuanced. It's like, I told Leanne when Leanne and my girls did not want me to be friends with him again. The girls still don't want to be friends with him. And, uh,

I said, he's like chemotherapy. Oh, that's good. I need him. I do need him. I spent all last night with him. We had a great time. He's a good fun, good time. We had a great talk. We just talked about comedy. I mean, we just talked about life and comedy and podcasting. And it was a very important conversation in my life. But the tax I pay is that he may drug me. That's not bad.

Last night he tried to defend. He goes, do you know why I drugged you? And I was like, yeah, I do know why. I don't think you know why. What did he say? He was like, because you said you'd done cocaine, so I know you'd be cool with it. And I was like, that's not why you drugged me, Ari. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Also. He's a lunatic. Oh, it has the opposite effect. It was Molly. I was there that night. You were having a great time. I was. Yeah. Listen, I can't own that now because it's like, it's crazy to like.

It's crazy because it greenlights it for kids. That's the only thing. I'm a dad first, right? I'm a dad. I really am a dad. I don't ever want some kid that is a fan of this to go, dude, Molly, my boys, it's the funniest fucking thing ever. And you're like, no, they may also die and you may also rot in a fucking jail cell.

Like, don't do it. Like, it was a dumb thing you should have done. Say to your friend, would you like Molly? And then your friend may say yes, and then have a great time. Right. So easy to do. But if we were in a jail cell, and this was like a jail movie, Ari would definitely, like, help lead the escape. That's true. He would definitely be one of the people who started, like, digging the hole. Right, right. You know? You don't think so? He'd be the first guy shot by the tower. Right.

So you said you think you know why he did that. Why do you think he did that? I know why. You know why or you're not going to share? He wanted to fuck with you? No, I don't know. All right. All right. Listen, hang on. We're forgetting this. Sometimes I think people think this happened in a fishbowl, but it didn't. It happened in my life, and I have very important people in that time. We're doing Subra October. I mean, the thing that...

You know, it's so funny. You know, I love Ari. I love Ari to death. We all do. But he said on Two Bears, he goes, the reason we don't do Sober October anymore is that you make everything about yourself. And I went, I didn't say anything then, but the truth is that he mollied me. And we didn't talk in our chat thread the whole month. No one talked Sober October. No one talked. No one talked. Ari drugged all of them. It was crazy. It was because it was such a real event that the chat thread went silent for the whole month. And the funnest part...

of Sober October was the chat thread. Totally. Is the texting of like, what calories you got, bitch? And then I go, I just taunt Rogan. I go, I fucking own your shit. And we go back and forth and it was so fucking fun. Yeah. But that month we didn't do it. And then we never did Sober October again. And that's why Sober October died is that because of that. But in that moment, I definitely talked to

every day to fucking joe and tom about like what i was going through and whitney i talked to whitney i talked was in therapy at the time like it was so confusing because it was such a fucked up moment but i also wanted to forgive him i had to forgive him because i couldn't i was in connecticut going to we have such a weird profession no one can understand it yeah you know do you know people like and this bums me out like i'll tell you right now if you're watching this

If you talk shit about Tommy, if you talk shit about Joe, if you talk shit about Sam or Mark, talk shit about Shane, talk shit about Stavi, talk shit about Ari, I'm not your boy, okay? Don't tag me in that post. I don't want to know about your shit. I'm a ride or die for my guys, like the guys I love. Nikki Glaser, Wendy Cummings. Don't talk shit. I'm not...

I'm not a fan of that shit. Me neither. And so, like, people were trashing Ari, but I was like, I know him and I love him. He's my brother. Right. I've got to figure out a way to forgive him. If you look at his career, it makes you feel better. Just fuck with Ari. But it's like, dude, I can't just be some guy that just never...

forgives him and then now you don't want to be the bitter guy yeah and so I had to I was in Connecticut I was pulling into a planet fitness and he called me every day he called me every day like two or three times because he feels bad he does have feelings he is a human yeah and I answered it and he was like hey did I fuck things up forever

I was like, no. That's the funny thing about him. He'll do something terrible and then he's like, you're like, aw, Ari. I know. There's something kind of adorable about the way he, like he did it, I remember he did it to Ricky Velez one night at the cellar where Ricky's counting money and Ari just smacks it out of his hand. Money went everywhere. Money went everywhere and Ricky was so fucking mad. He was like, what the fuck? And Ari immediately was like, uh-uh.

I'm sorry. And he helps him pick the money up. It was like, it's funny to see like from A to B. What you forget is like Ari came, Ari would come to my house and all the time, all the time,

and and bring his bag and do laundry and have kids my kids loved him yeah like there was so much and they but they haven't forgiven him yet I don't I don't will never I will never I was said to me he tried to kill my dad ah and you're like don't say it like that and then I was like yo someone drugs me in college and you see me text them are you cool with that and I go wow yeah I guess you're right interesting yeah yikes well some people like Molly

Some people out there would be like, you gave me Molly. This is great. Yeah, but not against their will. Yeah. You don't want to be drugged. I don't know if it was against the will. I think it was more of a surprise. Right? No, it's drugging someone. I guess you're right. You fucking roofie apologist. Are you getting ice or what? Okay. We're not done, are we? No, no. Cosby didn't roofie someone. It was a surprise. Yeah.

Yeah. It was a good point. Some people like rupees into me fingers. After the rape. Gotcha. Hey. Surprise party. No. I love Ari. I love Ari to death. And I'm a ride or die for that motherfucker. Yeah. And so even when the Kobe shit happened, I was like... Sure. I was like, yo...

I didn't stand up from the way I should have, I think. You did. I did. Yeah, because, you know, it's words. We're doing jokes. We're comments. Same with Gillis. I stood up for Gillis, too. It's a joke. I don't like how political every stand-up has become. I agree. I think it's...

Once you become predictable with your views, you become predictable with your punchlines as well. And I would argue the exact same for the exact opposite. There was a guy, I don't know his name, and I'm not trying to trash him at all, but he did a Choose Your Own Adventure stand-up special where you could... Oh, I know this guy. Danny Jollis. He's excellent. He's a great comic. Funny guy. What's crazy about that special is it's brilliant joke writing. Yes. However, when you feel like he doesn't mean it,

It took the teeth out of it, and it was like, oh, just a joke. Okay. It's almost weird when you like... But I like that he tried something different. Oh, yeah. I love that. I love that. That's why I watch a special. He's innovative. I think he's very funny. He's a great actor, too. He's on the last season of the TV show Ted, which if you haven't seen, is a great fucking show. It's on Peacock. It's fucking hilarious. Joke a minute. It's just like, bam, bam, bam. I don't like Sudeikis.

Oh, talk shit. I'm thinking of Ted Lasso. Oh, fuck that guy. I'm joking. I'm joking. I was doing a thing. I was doing a bit. Sudeikis, come on out here. Come on. I do actually. You know what? Fuck Jason Sudeikis. There you go. Hang on. Hang on. I fuck your wife. You know what? Do one thing and be done.

I'm done with you being a great singer, a great fucking musician, a great actor. It's the truth, though. It's like, yo, suck a dick. Like, I only can do comedy. I can't act. How dare you? You can act a little. You pull up a fucking video of Jason Sudeikis. Have you ever seen him sing? No. No. Are you being fucking serious? No. Dude, it's annoying. Internet's down. Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, cool. Sudeikis is talented for sure. That cash was crazy. You know what? Fuck all those guys. Can I tell you? It's like Jason Sudeikis. He can hoop too. Really? Yeah, it's so annoying. He's got like a pretty sweet jump shot. Wow, he's good looking. He's got it all. And he's from Kansas City. Middle of America. You and Paul Rudd, you fucking assholes. And Jon Hamm.

Dude, they're all from Kansas City. So they get this regular guy appeal. Right. Like, I grew up a regular guy. I got a huge dick. Never going to get slammed for being a nepo baby. Right. And then I'm talented in everything I do. If I fucking want to act, I'm amazing. Bon Bon, I bet they can do stand-up. And then they do that fucking big Kansas City festival. I heard he can do stand-up. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Oh.

I think he used to do some warm-up stuff for SNL, and they were killing time, and I've heard he's good. It's like Donald Glover. Donald Glover can do everything. You're like, what are you doing? God damn it. The guy's too good at everything. Shut the fuck up. Stop. He can rap. He can do stand-up. I'll say Atlanta was fucking awesome. Atlanta's great. I see clips of Atlanta on YouTube, and I go, I missed out. This fuck Donald Glover. His fucking rap video was so goddamn good. I know. I can't do anything. Ha ha.

These fucking guys suck dick. I'm so angry. You can take his shirt off with the best of them. Shut up, Mark. With the hat coming off. It's very impressive. Don't remember, Mark. I used to be more famous than you. I know.

You're doing very well. Mark, I mean, don't you like look at Donald Glover? He was an open mic with you guys. Yeah, I hung out with him. He's a great guy, too. He's nice as hell. He's a hell of a drinker. Yeah. I watched a 30 Rock episode randomly on a plane, and I was like, this is a funny episode. At the end, it said written by Donald Glover. I said, God damn it. What can't this black do? I heard he root these girls with ayahuasca.

That's a surprise. I don't know. Just put it on there. Talk some shit. But it's like, okay, I get it. It's like Mulaney. He's talented as hell. I'm done with Mulaney. He's such a nice guy, too. Great guy. Good looking. And he's a sweet guy who announces your last name right. I mean, fuck John Mulaney. He's got it all. He had a failed sitcom.

Okay, I like that. All right. That humbled him a little bit. I think it did. Not like, you know, I mean, it made him almost, it made him human is what I mean. Yeah, well, so did the cocaine. As we are, I would say the three of us are just comic podcasters, right? Yeah. I would like to write, well, we wrote a fucking movie, too. That's true. You wrote a movie. I mean, I think. That's true. Good point. But I'm.

I'm definitely not a podcaster. I do a pod with Mark, but I'm not. Yeah, I think we're just comics, dude. Yeah, I'm a comic all day. I'm a comic. We've been to fucking Omaha a hundred times between the three of us. We are road comics. I would never, if someone was like, what do you do? I would never say I'm a podcaster. I'd say I'm a comic. Of course. Okay, can I say this casually? And by the way, I'm being way too honest. I'm being way too honest. I love it. I'm a little buzzed. I love that. Did you drink at Keen's too? I did. Ah!

I love that you went to Keene's for lunch. It means a lot when someone's like, where do I go to lunch? And I tell them where to go, and they go there. It was great. Because not everyone takes a rec. It means a lot when someone takes a rec. Dude, it was... How many was Keene's there? Keene's is... Oh, they got all the pipes there, dude? Sinatra, everybody. Yeah, that's one of the iconic steakhouse spots. Is there a part of you as a comic that resents the Darlings?

Well, there's a couple plants out there. Yeah. I don't know what that means, plants. They call them industry plants. Yeah. They were made by the industry. Is that a real thing? I mean, to a degree it is. Well, Cat Williams listed 18 of them on his Shay Shay pod. Because we all kind of made our own careers on the internet and stuff like that. So, yeah, when you see people that the industry just kind of was like... There was a party that's like...

huh but if they're but if they're really good we don't resent them if they're really good yeah the plan's like the old school like maximum 10 comics to watch all that shit all that they keep getting everything how'd they get that and that and then you see them again you're like they bombed another thing yes what the fuck is this but then you got a guy like Nate

who just worked it, worked it, worked it funny, wrote another hour, wrote another hour, and now he's doing arenas. Well, you know what? I'll put it this way. There's people who rise, like maybe they were chosen, but then they rose to the occasion, and they are undeniable. And how could you have a problem with that? They're funny. Yeah. Like, as you said, luck is involved. Luck's involved. Luck's solely involved. We had luck. We all had a tremendous amount of luck. My luck with you is we met...

At Hartford. At Hartford. I had a great weekend with you. I remember that weekend. I remember watching a Knicks game with you at Hooters. Wow. And it meant a lot that you were in the game with me. It was right when the Knicks got J.R. Smith, and I was really excited. And Bert and I were getting beers at lunch. You've got to have that photo in your phone somewhere. I have it somewhere. You showed me that photo. We're going to put it up there. We're shirtless, and we're both bombed. And...

Yeah, man. No, I had so much fun. I had heard you were awesome from Nikki because Nikki dropped out of that weekend. That's how I got it. The luck is involved is like Portland, Oregon. Amy Schumer stops by my show and I was opening. We go to a strip club, me and Amy. I'm just with Amy. I don't realize who's around me. We go back to my room and I meet Mark Norman. Mark Norman was open for Amy and I go, I mean, think about luck. You want to talk about luck. It's like

How crazy is that? I met you guys when you guys were like... Features. Feature acts. Yeah, but the key is just keep doing shit and do everything. Go everywhere, meet everybody, do every gig. That was the key because some people are so selective and weird. If you just get yourself out there, the luck is you have a better chance of something happening. Well, it meant a lot when a headliner was like complimentary to you because I remember I was middling a lot and Burt was like, you're going to be a really young headliner.

He was like really encouraging to me And that goes a long way When you're Both you guys But when your mom is telling you like What are you doing with your life When your mom is like Yeah Making a wrong decision with your life Both you guys kind of blew me away But both you guys also Let's be really candid Start here Okay As Hasan Minhaj

introduce me remembering his name is what i feel bad about oh keep it in i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck you remember you know what you're talking about hasam and i's told me uh we were the brady roast and he goes you you look uncomfortable in a tuxedo and i said i'm very uncomfortable i perform shirtless and he goes and he looked at me and he like kind of does one of these like he goes this is my fastball

And I've said that so many times. It's such a fucking cheesy statement that I can't stop using. But you guys are my fastball. Like, guys that party, guys that like to have a good time, and great comics. Great comics. Thank you. And so I met you guys both, and you guys are my fastballs. Like, I fucking love this shit. My favorite memories of touring for real out of anything, and I just did this on some podcast. I don't remember what, but...

When I took Mark to Europe. Oh, we barely knew each other. I can't believe you took me to Europe. You didn't know me. I could have been a weirdo. You just said, fuck it, let's go. And I mean. I was very excited about that. You came back at Shell. I was ruined. I mean, we did every night drinking hard. He saw my weakness.

Well, you saw the flights. We almost did that joke show, me and Norman. That was when you saw me and Mark would just bounce bits all day. And we almost did that joke show. That's right. That Burt was going to produce, but that fell apart for me. We don't need to go into it. You yakking in the airport. Or almost yakking. Hold on. Dry heaving. Hang on. There's a moment. Like only friends share. Right? Yeah.

Where you say like, so I'll tell you the one I have with Tommy is we got stem cells with Joe and I just had surgery on my elbow. Can you explain what that means to like the layman? Because I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. Okay. I know sickle cell. Okay.

What's stem? I know what they are, and he mentioned it to me once when I was down there. He was like, we got to get you some stem cells for your neck. And I was like, right on. I was like, I don't know what I just agreed to. It's something good. Yeah. It helps you, I think. But I don't know what it is exactly. It's Molly. Is it adrenochrome? I don't know. Anyway, Joe and Tommy organized stem cells, and they're like, yo, you're in. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to do it. I tell Tom, I don't want to do it. I'm out. And he goes, hey, stop.

It's already paid for. I go, it's not money. I don't give a fuck. I don't, I'm like, I don't know what it is. I don't know the fuck we're doing. And he's like, you're going to be fine. So we go get stem cells and Tom and I are driving back to, to do a podcast. And we're in Tom's car, which is a Porsche. We're very close to each other. And he, and I reached back and I feel my elbow and I feel a lump where the stem cells went in. It's like a swelling and I feel it. And I kind of started having a panic attack and Tommy, uh,

Very gently puts his hand behind my arm and he rubs the stem cells. He goes, you're okay. And I went, that's the guy who knows me, right? That's a friend. Mark Norman and I were in a bar in London at the airport. Was it London? It might have been Copenhagen. It might have been Copenhagen. We're at an airport.

He's now learned I don't like flying. Yeah. And we're with a fan who won't stop talking, and I'm ordering us beers at an aggressive pace. And Mark's got like three backed up, and I'm on mine. And then Mark goes, we're boarding. And I kill my beer.

I remember this so vividly. I kill my beer, and I start to throw up in my mouth. I start to, like, I start to throw up. I've had too much. I'm like. And he's a public figure. This is not a good look. Mark Norman looks at me like this, and he goes, like in his eyes, he's like, oh, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And I fucking swallowed. Kept it in. I didn't throw up. I didn't throw up. I wasn't throwing up in my mouth, but I didn't throw up, and I went, do you have a toothpick?

I'll get you one. Yeah, yeah. He brought me a toothpick and he goes, we're good. And I was like, let's go. And we walked away. But those little moments that you have with a friend where you show your vulnerability 100%, I remember that so vividly. Mark and I, obviously we go back like a ways, but I remember Orlando Airport. Oh, yeah. We opened for Schumer at some big...

Yeah. We got fucking wasted, Mark and I. We were just bombed. We were like the liabilities on that tour. Yeah, for sure. But we were just getting fucking bombed. And the next morning- Like a 7 a.m. flight. The next morning, I'm just puking my guts out in the Orlando airport, which is one of the worst airports around. And Mark just- Bunch of kids around with Mickey Mouse hats. I'm puking. And Mark, I look up and Mark reaches over the stall and it's a ginger ale. And I was like, that's my guy. Ah!

Well, I understand drunks. I grew up in New Orleans. I started drinking at 13. I get it. And so there's no judgment. And we've seen each other bomb so many times. Oh, yeah. But it was just like, I was like, ah, that's a good friend right there. He just saw me puking my guts out. And it was fine. We've flown like that before. When you're a young comic and you're puking, it's better than puking in a Greyhound.

Like, which I've done many times. I puked in those bathrooms, too. Moving, shaking, you're holding on the sides. Dude, throwing up is crazy. I was a grand marshal for Gasparilla. Oh, really? I thought you were going to say the Ku Klux Klan. That's way better. That's Grand Wizard. I did that one. It's much more respectable. Three sheets to the wind, you know what I mean? And I got...

I know I'm going to be made fun of for this. I got what they call gunpowder poisoning. What? What's that? Your internet's down. Don't Google it. I was on a boat where they were shooting a lot of guns, and then I got covered in gunpowder. There's a thing called gunpowder poisoning where you are allergic to gunpowder, and if you get covered in it, like I was, you get sick. And I started throwing up on the parade route. Oh. No one knows.

Thank God got a video. Thank God. How did that happen? Dude, it was, it was, I was like overheated. It was so hot. I was in a pirate costume covered in gunpowder. I was drinking. It was such a fucking nightmare. If, if I'll tell you what, at this point, there's two things I'd like to see. One was me throwing up in Spokane, Washington. I threw up outside of my tour bus, like aggressively in underwear, like

Oh, man. Yeah, but you blend into that city. Everyone's a fucking mess. They're walking around on drugs. Spokane is rough. Fucking... Everyone's walking around like a zombie in that city. Yeah. Oh, my God. Dude, we... Great crowds, though. Yeah. The stage fell. The stage fell. Oh, shit. And so they canceled the show. So I was like, yo, day drinking. Let's go. There it is. And Manzi was with us back in the day. Oh, yeah. And we just went hard as fuck all day, daydreaming.

Ended the night. I ended the night at a steakhouse, martinis, two bottles of wine, and the last two drinks I had were Irish car bombs. Dang.

That's fucking vicious. That's gross. Is there anything more fun than just like martinis at a steakhouse? It's just like- The best. It's the embodiment of fun. Yes. Like we're going to get fucked up. You feel like an American. We're going to have fun. Yeah, you feel like you're on Mad Men. Yes. That's what Roger Sterling would be drinking right now. Oh, yeah. I'm going to a podcast. I'm going to a dinner with Tom tonight at 7. Where are you guys going? Where are we going? Ripout.

Oh, dude. That's our spot. You can drink Bodega Cat there, dude. They got our picture on the wall there. Are you going to East Village or Times Square? Go to the Village one. That's way better. Dude, our boy Brennan will take care of you. Dude, okay, so you're double staking. Got to get the Tomahawk. Yes. The Tomahawk's phenomenal there. The Lobster Mac. Fucking Ozempic Tommy only orders like a seltzer water. I was like, buddy, we got to get fucking lit. He's like, I'm doing Madison Square Garden.

Oh, is it? Shit, I didn't even know that. Well, dude, I will say the Strip House is like one of my favorite spots. It's a great spot. We went there for his birthday. We fucking, I love, that place is like. It's legendary. They got the bodega cat behind the bar. They got a Dangerfield headshot up. It's fucking iconic. It's been there forever. Red leather seats. I think we should probably, I just think that it would fit in.

He just shoots us in the head. Put Tommy on your top. Oh, shit. Is his career dead? Is that the problem? No. This is the dead wall. Yeah, put him on the dead wall. Don't say anything to him. He comes in this week. Don't say anything. Is he coming out of high? That Ozempic's going to kill him. Yeah. He's going to OD on that shit. This is a fatter Tommy than the one I know now. I liked...

Fat Tom. With the black shirt, with the bad hair. Oh, man. That was good time. He looked like a wing-eating contest winner. You know, I'm not even fucking around.

He traveled with hot sauce. Get out of here. I swear to God. He's like Hillary Clinton. Yeah. He had hot sauce always in his car at all times. What hot sauce? Wow. That is a good one. And he put it on whatever he had. That's a fat guy move. I watched him get rich. It was a weird feeling. He really liked it. You watch each other, right? I mean, shit. No, no, no. He got rich before I did. Way before I did. Way before I did.

The poors feel like he left them. No. God damn it. Like, that's the most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life is like, yo, he was poor. Yeah. But he busted his ass and he's doing crazy great stuff. And he's a great dude. And he's a great guy. And he's doing great content. Great comics. His specials are fucking awesome. Listen, he has changed. Yes. By the way, I'm going to tell you something secret. He didn't like who he was. Sure.

Sure. He didn't like, he didn't love being fat as fucking shit. Dude, if you pull up me shaving his tits, he is so fat, it is aggressive. No one wants to be that guy. Yeah, Mark was making a joke. We love Tom. I love Tom. It's so funny, but like the day he got rich, I remember the statement he said to me when I knew money had changed. And he was like, he's like, yo.

Damn. Oh, he's changed. No.

That is a status move, though, to not have to pull the charger out and move it over. You just have it in another outlet. That is a power. And I thought to myself, I'm not there yet. It wasn't watches. It wasn't cars. It was that moment.

And we went to that house. For me, it was sandwich punch cards. I stopped paying as much attention to those. I still got mine. Yeah. You ready for me? I have a bagel punch card, but I don't have the sandwich punch card anymore. You got to stay with the tribe. I have the bagel one. Yeah. For me, it was the hotel breakfast.

Because I would get up every day on the road to get the breakfast. It was free breakfast. Yeah, yeah. You'd go out all night, but you're like, I still got to get the breakfast. West Western. Yes. They had a good breakfast. Waffle maker. Get out of here. A lobby waffle? Shut the fuck up. I love it. I fuck with a lobby waffle. I still do the breakfast every now and then, but I have openers like, what are you doing? Let's just go to a diner. You know? The best thing is you book hotels with that Amex travel shit. You get the free breakfast at those places. Oh, yeah. I love that shit. And the lounge. Mine was Airline Miles.

you dude you know it's fun no no i love it no but burt like and that's when you know you're rich but burt was telling us when we started to really headline burt would be the one who'd be like you're gonna start to really care you're gonna be obsessed with your ticket count yeah you're gonna be obsessed true with airline points that's true everything burt said to us was a reality we were like oh shit i need airline points i need this you know i was obsessed with american airlines

Like I was. That's the one you picked? It's the worst fucking airline. Out of LA. It's good out of LA. Is that right? Dallas is a big hub. I was doing a lot of Texas dates. And Dallas was a quick jump. So like, and I wasn't United. It wasn't Continental disappeared. Wasn't Delta because you had to fly to Atlanta. So it was American. I was obsessed with American. I was obsessed with American.

Their lounge isn't great. What? The lounge isn't even that great. The lounge is amazing. I would say an American at best is third or fourth. Maybe third or fourth. Delta United American. American, I want you to hear I was about to trash you, and now I'm your ride or die. All right, bring it on.

Delta, United, and JetBlue are undeniably better airlines. JetBlue, they have no lounge. All right, fine. Take JetBlue out. No lounge. You fly Mint, you either get the choice of flying next to a man in first class or by yourself, and you don't get to pick. Fuck that. That's bullshit. Okay, fine. So Delta and United are undeniably better. No, no, no. I'm going to shit on Delta. Okay. Delta is like the Ikea of flying. They've made every chair ergonomic and not...

By the way, ergonomics is a good thing. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. Goddamn couch here. This is tough. This is Delta First Class. Yeah, but you know what? But this couch here keeps you engaged. For a pod, it's pretty good. It's a church pew. But for a fucking six-hour flight to Atlanta. I'll give you that. So American is number one. Wow. Now, American also has a thing called, and I know that I'm in trouble for saying this, American.

A thing called concierge key. Are you familiar with that? No. No. So concierge key. What was the 9-11 flight? United. United. Keep going. Oh, fuck. I didn't know that. Don't bring that up. Well, I didn't. I'm just seeing what airline. Yeah, but the seats were nice. That's not their fault. That's true. All right. I'm just curious. There's not a lot you can do in that situation. I'm trying to take American down.

All right, keep going. Keep your plea. You know the terrorists are like, which one should we pick? Exactly. That is tough. Hang on, Sam. Sam, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. I'm trying to win the argument. I'm having a moment. I'm having a real moment.

What was the 9-11 flight? And he goes, yeah, but the seats were nice. That was the funniest thing I've ever fucked. It went out in style. Yeah. Yeah, the seats were nice. You know what sucks about that? Yes. The seats were nice. You know what sucks about it? You booked the first to last ticket on that flight, and then you're just like, I'm the chicken. And you're expecting a good flight. Right, right. You got a couple drinks in you, then it's like, ho-lo-lo-lo-lo. You're like, oh, fuck. Fuck me. I should have had the pork. It's a fuck you to them. You're going JetBlue. The seats were nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

So American has a thing about concierge keys. The terrorists come over, make it a double. Yeah, right? Concierge key is an invitation only. Two towers, that's a double. I can't. Oh, I'm hammered. There's too many fucking jokes coming out. This is too fucking joke heavy. Well, the Pentagon's, that's the rule of threes. Five drinks is our limit. All right, two more. American Airlines is my favorite. Okay, all right.

Pitch your case here. No. American Airlines has concierge key. Invitation only. What is that? Invitation only. And you get a separate entrance into the airport. Wow. How do you get invited? Do you have to be a big dog? You got to fly a lot. Pip it on a podcast. No, no. No, actually. Mark, yeah. Please. Yeah, let's do it. Oh, yeah. I'll take one, too. You got to be invited. And this will get me uninvited.

So I'm a concierge currently, and they will now rescind my invitation because I'm talking about it. But I don't really give a fuck. Is it like Raya, but for the sky? Yeah. Sky-a. Sky-a. But you do private now, I thought. No, I've done private, but I don't do private. Oh, really? I have a fear of flying. I've seen. How bad do you drug yourself on every flight? Ari jumps in. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I thought you were doing private from L.A. to Austin, L.A. to Austin, because you're like the last guy in L.A., you and Santino and Bobby and Tim. No. I'm never going to lie and manipulate my fans and tell them something I'm not. So, like, I'll tell you if I fly private. I fly private a lot, but I don't enjoy it because they're smaller planes. That's true. The ones you can afford, people tell you right now.

And you know Pete very well. Pete should be drinking as well. This isn't fair. Can we get Pete a drink, please? All right. The smaller planes give me horrific anxiety, and I'm a mess. How many times have you seen me cry on a plane? You cry? Buddy. That's fucking horrible. Every private plane I have, I cry. Yeah, I've seen it.

I cry on private. It's insane to get to the level you fly private and you don't even enjoy it. I hate it. Yeah. Well, there's shit here. I don't fly private. I don't fly private because I want to. Yeah. I fly private because I have to. Like, it's like, you know, we got a thing that we have to do. We have to get you there. And I'm like, okay, but I don't want to fly private. And they're like, and then I'm also kind of cheap. So like,

if they go well we have one for fifteen thousand dollars or one for thirty five thousand dollars i go do fifteen and i'll just cry and drink it sucks man this one's flown by hezbollah air right yeah right right we're having tomorrow is american airlines right 760 delta is it delta oh you've been on them ergonomic did you feel like i'd rather bigger plane

And a more steady flight. Yeah. And so, yeah. But I find it... No, I'm with you. I like a big plane, too. It doesn't make total sense because, like, bigger you just feel way safer. The shaking is fucking brutal. Dude, have you ever flown private out of Las Vegas? No, I haven't. I've flown private very rarely. It's been on other people's dime, obviously. I did it with Louie once and he flipped.

It's weird to see Louis, like your hero, is like, oh, God. Because it was like dipping like this. It sucks. It sucks. I mean, I know that everyone thinks it's a flex if you post you're flying private. Right. First of all, if I post while I'm flying private, I'm just doing it because I'm a regular person. And that's what regular people do if they fly private. Sure. This is the best thing I've ever done. Right? But also, it sucks so bad. I fucking hate it. I hate it. I would much rather fly a 767-780.

787 or 777 and be comfortable as fuck in a big sleeper bed with tons of people, tons of souls on the plane. Souls, they call them. I like that. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm with you. It is something nice about just being taken care of. You get in that first class, they throw a fucking blanket on you. Oh, you switched up on me. Look at you. I've had too much grapefruit. My liver's hurting. But yeah.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm just trying to make you feel better. Mine feels a little weird. Oh, no. Your liver's fucked up? No, I'm kidding. Your liver's like, we're right at home. I've got blood work. Your liver must be ripped. Your liver's like... We have the same liver. I love when people are like... I'll tell you right now. Go to Ways to Well.

Who? Ways to Well. What's that now? Ways to Well. Ways to Well? Dude, I get my blood work done every six months. You're good. My fucking shit's clean. Come on. Pete? Yeah? Last one. Denise said my liver's never been healthier. Is it the exercising, the water, the pills? So the way LeBron looks at his body, I look at my body, right? I've always said you guys have the same body. Exactly.

Yeah, what the hell? LeBron has five drinks on a podcast. By the way, that's my favorite Sam Laugh-I-Move. I do all the shit he does, but I do it for my liver. So I get two IVs a week. I'm good.

I don't know if this is the best podcast ever recorded or I'm hammered. But this is amazing. We've gone past drunk. Bird comparing his health to LeBron James. It's the best moment we've had. The way LeBron looks at his body. The greatest athlete to ever live. Your liver's the color of LeBron. I'll give you that. But I don't know about we're doing the same health, same liver.

Liver, please. Can we do a Patreon call? We might be hammered. Holy shit. That's so funny.

Oh, boy. I wish I wasn't a joke. No, no, no, no. We fucking love you. When I was a kid, I realized the funniest I was when I wasn't trying to be funny. And that's the purest comic you get is like when you're not trying to be funny and people laugh and you're like, I don't know why they're laughing. Right. Because you can't turn it off. I dated a chick one time, Erica Youngblood, who was so funny.

And she never was trying to be funny. And she couldn't understand why I was laughing. And I was like, she's so enjoyable. And I was like, but the truth is, I really honestly saw that LeBron shit when he gets in the thing. And I was like, I literally, I wish I didn't say that. I was like, that's me. I'm going to start doing all this shit. You work out like crazy, though. Yeah, your arms are huge. I have a personal trainer shows up every day.

Is that right? Yeah. We can say that now, right? I bleep the name. I've had two of his personal trainers. Two? Yeah, two of them. Oh, boy. The one I have now is fucking gangster. And those were awesome personal trainers. The black guy on the tour?

No. You had him. Yeah. I had him too. I met him. I had another one. From Boston, right? I met a bunch of Navy SEAL guy. He was awesome. Dude, we're doing like, we're like working out by day. It was incredible.

but I sauna, I cold plunge, I get IVs twice a week. I'm doing the whole regimen. I'm at Ways to Well, and shout out to Brigham and Denise over at Ways to Well. There's Rogan's people. Oh, Denise. She's hot. And she's amazing. But, like, Denise and I had a meeting, you know, a couple months ago. She was like, you've had the best numbers you've ever had. And I honestly, I got to be honest with you, there's –

You can get in front of the shit that's going to be bad. I'm on testosterone. That's true. I'm on metformin. I got blood pressure medicine. I got cholesterol medicine. I got freaking, not hazelnut, but like some shit. You're throwing out words now? Nutella? I take so much shit, but I take it every morning. I take it every night. Yeah. At my bachelor party. That was a lot of pills on your nightstand. Yes, yes. I'm a whore. So you're on it. You're ahead of it.

Dude, I love that you already and I were talking about your bachelor party last night. Oh, that was a wild time. I'm fucking bummed I missed that shit. That was a great house. Well, except for the big fight. But other than that, that was a hell of a time. You guys are good. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that it goes out there that people don't like Joe. No. No, you love him. You love Joe. I just hung out with him. Yeah. It bums me out that fans would...

Polarize. Don't polarize. That's what they do. That's what they do. They like it. They like the shit. They like the drama. It makes their lives feel important or interesting. I don't know. That's crazy.

It's crazy. Are you being serious? Is that a real thing? Well, that's what the internet is. It's just like, oh, let's get something going. Gossip and outrage. Yeah. I mean, look at Twitter. It's all just fucking like, what the fuck? It's not like funny doesn't work anymore. Funny is. It's not enough. Remember when Twitter was like all like puns and like dick jokes and then it just became like, look at this. Right. You know what the two biggest specials were last year on Netflix? What?

Chris Rock was one because they want to hear about the slap. Two is Mulaney because they want to hear about the rehab. But they're also two of the biggest comedians in the world. Well, sure, sure. There are two. They're two great comedians. They're two great comedians. But now you've got to have that extra thing now. It's not just about the funniest. It's about like, oh, what's the scandal? That's part of comedy now, which is kind of a bummer. Sweet, sweet, sweet. I'm curious to think as two legit best joke writers in New York,

Do you see that and you go, like, what am I going to do different? Nah, I don't want to feed into it. I'd rather just keep being funny. I don't put any thought into it other than is this a joke that's working or not. Same. Because it's kind of short money. Because the slap will go away. The rehab will go away. It's just about comedy at the end of the day. If that thing happens, it falls in your lap and it just happens to be a thing. But, like, I think with jokes, you just...

What do I know? But I think it's just like you just got to write jokes and hope they fucking land. I don't know. Yeah. How do you guys structure an hour? I'm curious because I know how I do it, but I'm such a story guy that I have to do it a certain way.

And this special, I thought to myself, I want to be super joke heavy for the first four minutes. That was dense. I watched it. It is dense. You're getting a laugh every 12 seconds. But that's because of you guys. Because I go like, it's not my strong suit. It's not what I do well, at least. And so I was like, so let's go. I want to be like...

Four minutes in and be like don't turn it off right that's that's the move I'm getting into the weeds here But like I looked at Netflix specials is very different to stand up is like and when I started doing stand-up After Netflix specials. I was like oh, it's always about a Netflix special so like I always go very front-loaded closers at 22 minutes

I always do closure at 22 minutes. So how do you hang them on for the last 30? Doesn't matter. Interesting. The 32 minutes. At 22 minutes, if they've heard your closure, they're going to stick around. And I'm telling you right now, the last story, and I'm just saying the last story I have,

My rate of retention is through the roof through Netflix. It's through the roof. Because you think you move in early. Whatever closer I have, which I think is like oven mitts maybe, is I throw it at 22 minutes because I go, yo, if you're about to turn me off, don't.

Damn. No one's thinking like that. That's very interesting. I've been thinking like that since the beginning. Yeah, I mean, shit, I don't know, man. That's interesting because the retention rate, I guess, is shit. But right now I just kind of do it the way I do it on the road, which is not that way. My closer's my closer. Yeah, same. I would argue, I tell you, I know that one of my best, my two favorite specials I've ever seen

What are they? One of them is, I guess, it's a side compliment a little bit. I'd probably go Corky and Forrest Gump. All right, sorry. I'm drunk. I want to know your favorite specials. No, I liked it. Anthony Jusselink has my best favorite opening joke I've ever seen in my entire life. Which one? Which special, I mean? Not the last one? No, not the last one. The one before that.

Oh, shit. My friend. Fire warden, the children's unit or something. My friend said to me, my wife won't let us hang out anymore. Oh, that's a great joke. One of the best jokes ever written. How's it go again? The internet's back. Thank God. Wow, that was 38 minutes ago. Hold on. Give me a Jeselnik list of specials. Give me the Jeselnik joke. It's such a good joke.

It's such a good joke. He's got great jokes. As far as the right turn goes, I don't know if there's anyone better. I mean, he's like really just... He's the misdirect king. Hang on. He's excellent. My best friend's wife is a born-again Christian. And we do not get along at all. The other day she called me up to yell at me, saying I'm a terrible influence on her husband because he called her a bad name. I said, what? Did he call you a bitch?

She said, no, Anthony, he did not use the B word. I said, uh-oh. Did he call you a cunt?

She said no. I said, well, then he didn't hear it from me. You know what's great about it? That's great. Is it's like almost like a street joke that he wrote. Yeah. Good point. It's like an old school like joke book joke that he modernized and made his own. His own and dark. It's one of my favorite jokes. And by the way, and so-

I still laughed. I've heard it. What's the name of that special? Sorry. Just give me the shout out. Fire in the maternity ward. That's it. Thank you. Yeah, he is a great joke writer. He is. I did Secret Time, and I put my closure at 22 minutes. And then they were like, yo, can we... They brought me in. They were like, yo, you're ready to retention. Oh, man. And I was like... And they're like, what did you do different? And I told them I put my closure at 22 minutes. Oh, fuck. I saw them a mile away. God fucking damn it. God damn it.

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Wait a second. Wait a second. Everyone, cover your drink. Get this guy a cocktail. All right. We're five, six drinks in here. I got to piss anyway. I got to piss too. Get this guy a drink because this isn't fair. We're hammered here. You're already hammered? He's been here since three. When did Bert start drinking? 1988. I'm in life. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, geez. Well, we did like a half hour on you, by the way. Oh, really? It wasn't good. Oh, well. You know, you have to realize at this point that people just speak with you about honesty.

People speak with me about honesty. I got to catch up to understand this. What happened last night, by the way? You guys hung out? Got some hookers. It was pretty sweet. Shared one. Spit roast. We all took turns. Oh, dude. I thought I was getting fucked last night. Oh, by the Costa Rican. I had to shut her down and be like, yo, this isn't happening. Yeah. Good show. It's not happening. Yeah.

She was trying to help a drunk guy get to his room. She's like, you're out of it. She was like, hey, you don't know what room you're in. You don't have a key. You don't know where you are. I'm going to get you to bed. And I was like, I called Leanne and was like, looks like someone's still getting jocked. And then I realized, oh, she's kind of. I walked Bert home yesterday. He got to the hotel and he's like, damn, this looks exactly like my hotel. And then he's like, oh.

Oh, it's my hotel. Where were you guys? We just bought and went to get cigars. Oh, hell yeah. Bert's superpower and biggest problem is that he does not slur. So you can't tell how tuned up he is. I'll tell you right now, people go, I always go, Leanne will tell me if I have a drinking problem, but no one can tell.

No one can tell. You never know when you're tuned up. I've seen you legless. No. Oh, yeah. Can you explain to Ari the time we went into that strip club? Oh, Waterloo. That was the hardest I've ever laughed. We were on the floor. It was so great. You can never repeat it. It doesn't read with people. It doesn't make as much sense. I hear that song by ABBA. Great song. I hear that song. I think of that night every fucking time. We were in like...

Sweden or Stockholm, whatever it was. We went to some strip club, and the lady was trying to be coy. And she was like, yes, we cannot have you in here unless we know you. What? Was that it? Something like that. She goes, gentlemen. We were bombed. Our girl. For a little bit more. What? And Mark is reading her real English, and he goes, hang on.

Do we have to date them? Yeah. She goes, no, no, no, no. You know what I mean. We take you downstairs for a little bit more of a commitment. And Mark's like, so we got to catch up on Game of Thrones? We're having so hard. And then he left.

And we laughed for the whole walk. Because we kept tagging the bit. Yeah, we just kept tagging the bit back and forth. Yeah, yeah. Basically, she was saying we're hookers. This isn't a strip club. Like, it's a brothel. Nice. You've got to, like, fuck us and hang out a while. I don't know where the fuck we were. Somewhere in Europe. The best part, I took it out of a special one time. I never put it in a special. But, like, the best part is then Mark and I went to a strip club. And we roll in.

And Leanne texts us. We're walking in. Leanne goes, what are you doing? And I text, I'm going to strip club with Mark. Oh. And she goes, cool. And then we sit down and Mark goes, hey, you tell her? And I go, yeah, of course, my wife. We sit down and Leanne goes, um. She just writes back, cool, that's it? Yeah, she goes, are you getting a lap dance?

And we weren't at the time. Mark sees it. He goes, hey, what do you say to that? Because Mark, I think you just started dating May. Yeah. And he was like, what do you say to that? And I was like, well, it's my wife. I'm honest with her. I said, no, I'm not getting any updates right now. Right now? I put the phone on the thing. And then bubbles come up. And Mark grabs the phone. And I go, what does it say? And Mark goes, hey, she called you a faggot. Yeah.

I remember that strip club. That was a fun time. That was a fun time. Yeah. I don't know. Where were we? Reykjavik or Sweden or Copenhagen? We were somewhere. It's all a blur. Mark Norman. God. Mark Norman was a fucking... Doesn't slur you. That guy was so fun. I remember you eating that velvet cupcake and you go, hey, I think there's weed in it.

And I was like, Mark, there's a lot of weed in it. Yeah. Ah, geez, you remember more than I do. That was a blur. You made me laugh. We had a great time. We really started hanging out. Yeah, yeah. I barely knew you, and we really bonded. I mean, the flight. I remember that. You were worried about it. Like, what do I do with bird? I'm like, throw every other drink into a plant. Yes. That's good advice, and I wish I did that.

But you always give good advice. I did my first Rogan back when it was on YouTube, when it was like a career maker. And I was like, I got this, I got that, what should I say? And you go, you're already overthinking it. Just go in and have fun. And that was great advice. You rolled in drunk with a tie on. Yes. You texted me too. I did the Tonight Show the night before, got hammered all night with, I don't know, you, somebody.

Did an hour of sleep, got on a flight, flew to L.A., and did Rogue and hung over with the tie on. I had a couple pops at the airport. Sometimes that's the way to do anything. Yeah. You get off a flight, you kill a hangover with some booze, and you're like, I'm not thinking. Yes. Perfect. Thinking is bad. I'm the most me I'll ever be. I'm the most genuine human being. Yeah. That's why I never understand why people don't love a drunk guy accosting them. Yeah.

I go, yo, I'm being funny. Go on. By the way, I've had my two favorite Sam laughs I've ever had in my entire life. He's a good laugh. You are the most genuine laugh in the world. When you drink, you're a fun guy. When you're sober, it can be tough. When he's drunk, it's a hell of a time. It's just a great sentence. It's like, you don't like a drunk guy accosting you right now?

What's wrong with you? I'm a talker on an airplane. Yeah. Like hardcore. Yeah. I remember one time I was like. That's why they locked the pilot door. He won't shut the fuck up, bro. Bird just rolls up. Where are you flying? You don't think I haven't done that? Let me tell you something. You remember we were talking about knowing who your fans are? Yeah. Pilots of airlines love me.

That worries me, actually. Every time I've gotten on a plane, my favorite thing in the world, flight attendant goes, double check on the rocks, lots of rocks. Oh, nice. Have you seen Sully? Yeah. That guy knows Bert. Yeah. Definitely. R, you got to slide in here. You're 30 drinks behind. I was walking home yesterday. I was with Lev. I saw Lev. We were on the corner of

sixth and like fourth and some homeless guys like and then some drunk white guys like i just want to hear what your joke is and i mean i had to stop myself from slapping the shawarma out of his hand i was so close to just be like no oh but that's you that's me yeah love when a pilot recognizes something out of someone's hand it's always gonna be funny it's so funny they don't like it but it's funny but it's the right thing to do it's got to be a friend

It's got to be a friend. It's got to be a friend. Black guy on the street, so I'm going to join. You don't want that. Oh, God. Yeah, that's a bad move. Bird in Harlem alone. Hey, buddy. You don't want that. Do you ever think people are watching? Sometimes I think I'm in a movie. So you slap the shit out of a guy's hand, and the guy gets mad at you, and you're like, but I did it for the people at home.

You guys ever have that? Yeah. You have the movie? The studio audience in your head. The studio audience in my head. I get it all the time. No, we're all deeply mentally ill. Oh, yeah. What a narcissist thing to say. No, I'm important. I saw George Carlin. He had that special. He said, he's like, me and my friend would get drunk and sit on a couch and pretend we were on Carson. And that's what they would do at night. They were like in a poor and a shitbox studio apartment in LA. And they would do that.

with Carson then one day I got on Carson or whatever but I totally related to that oh same oh yeah you have like fantasize about shit I would say like I wasn't fans of other chicks as much as I would like shit I would say to like Letterman yes yes me too like obviously I was thinking about women I was like I was thinking about like I want to I want to hang out with Dave Letterman yes do one better yeah uh-oh so wait I don't need to see black people slapping me

It's about to be a shooting. Salacuse, you are ready, though. It's about to be a shooting. The internet's back and so is Matt. No, no, no, no. I do not need to see this. What the fuck? You're going to never do this. He just had to walk away. Call someone and then as it rains, you go, hey, what's up? Hello? Hello? Can you practice? I've done that. I've done that. I've done that. First thing in the morning, hello. What's up? I called Joey today and...

And I was like in bed and I was ringing. I was like, what's up, big guy? Hey, what's up? How you doing? Hey, Joey. Joey. And I was like practicing my hello. Yeah, yeah. I do that all the time. I do that too. And it's sad. If anyone saw it, you'd kill yourself. But I do it. You're basically Travis Bickle in Texas. Yes, yes, exactly. When that movie hits home. Yeah.

I mean, I've run my set, like a Tonight Show set or whatever. I'm Conan. I used to run that in my apartment over and over. Oh, me too. And I'd picture Conan being like, get over there. That was the best we've ever seen. I go, thanks. Because I would listen to Seinfeld in interviews on Fresh Air, and he would be like, you got to go jogging every day. And I'm like, yeah, I'll go running. And I'm like, what does that have to do with comedy? But you're like, it's Jerry saying this. Yes. I'll run, and I'll fucking. Oh, yeah. There's not a single video in existence of Jerry Seinfeld running. Yeah.

Except for that episode. Oh, yeah. Maybe about a week from Gaza. When he's running away from Dice. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pull that up. Sprinting away from Dice trying to like. He didn't like Dice? No, Dice was doing the thing, but he didn't know it was him. He goes, Jerry, Jerry. And just Jerry's like, some fan. I'm tensing up. I'm not going to turn around. And Dice just stays after him. He didn't want to. Well, it ended. A friend in a park. It ended nicely. No, no, no. Hang on. If you come up to me. You're an outlier.

No, I'm not. Oh, okay. I'm a liar. I'm not. I'm not. Well, you mean you're cool if someone walks up to you with a phone? Are you kidding? That's his dream. Yeah, you're an outlier. And don't shame that dream. Let's hang on. I think we've reached a breaking point with the unsolicited. You're a man of the people. We just broke this down at Keene's. Yeah.

There are two types of people. There are comics that pretend they don't want to be famous, right? They're liars, and they're manipulators. No, but I think... Why get on stage? Why get on stage? Don't. What, do you think you're a gift to the gods that we needed your fucking words to share with us? No one's disputing that. I'm just saying the walk-up without the consent of the video, just ask for consent. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Not you. You're a whore. You're a regular people. You're a fucking whore. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're regular people. You're forgetting who your mom is, who your sister is. My mom wouldn't go up to someone with a phone. I'm telling you right now. He's with a friend. You are overestimating the world based on your experiences.

And we would never do that. We would never do that. But the regular person sees Al. Just say, hey, can I take a video? And goes, Al Roker. I'm telling you who the regular person sees. You get weak-kneed in Al Roker. Bird is fucking hammered. The regular human goes, oh shit. That's Al Roker. That's Al Roker. He's at a table. He's having dinner. Can you believe that? Can you believe I sat next to Al Roker and then do a video? Now listen, Al Roker sees that. I'll tell you the person it happens to the most.

Matt Lowenheim.

Who? Adam Richman. Man vs. Food? Man vs. Food happened to him all the time. Really? I was friends with him. I like that guy. What? I was friends with him, and I'd watch it happen to him, and I'd watch him get upset. And I should call him right now to let him defend. Call him. Is he still around? Of course. He's great. He's great. No, I'm fine with the video. I'll do your fucking video. Just say, hey, can I take a video? That's all I'm asking. Don't swarm me. I'm in the middle of picking my nose and eating it. Privilege.

What you don't realize is the average person never thinks you're going to allow them to do that. I'm not actually mad. No, the average person asks. I've never had someone not ask. Imagine doing that to a regular person, just a normal guy on the street. They'd be like, ugh. You're a liar. Except for in that steam room. You're not a regular person. I'm a Jew. Different. I'm better. Stronger. Smarter. But you've got to realize, put yourself into regular people's lives.

you're in fucking orlando that's where comics go to die picture yourself guys everyone you're in orlando florida and you're eating hooters right yeah and you got a fucking mega fan right next to you yeah he sees you yeah you gotta you gotta remember what it's like to be a regular person sure forgotten what it's like no i haven't i know what you mean by the way by the way al roker i

I grew up in the city and I knew a girl who was fucking hammered in high school and she's puking on the sidewalk and Al Roker walked up to her and he goes, that

That's a disgrace. I'm calling Adam Richmond right now. Hold on. I'm calling Adam Richmond more than anyone I've ever seen. Really? We literally just got that bottom. My argument always to him was, yeah, we need it in the studio. We need Lagavulin. That's what regular people do. You can't deny. You can't deny it. I agree. I agree. I agree with you. I'm half fucking around. Guy Fieri must get it all day long. And here's the deal. Just go like, hey, what's up, man? That's it. Just defuse it.

And then we take the video. And we take the video. We're saying the same thing. This is why Seinfeld's the man. Adam Richman just fucking put me to voicemail. Wow. Look at this. Look, he's getting berated by what he thinks is a crazy guy in New York. Big shot over here. Big shot over here. This is why Dice is so funny.

And then Seinfeld goes, oh, it's a comedian? Yeah. Let's hang. That's what's cool about Seinfeld. He's this clean comic. He's a big mainstream celebrity. He's getting trolled by this guy, and he's like, oh, shit, you're a comic? Let's get a photo. And he's huge into the rave scene. Yeah. Rave scene? Yeah.

Rave. Oh, rave. Oh, rave. Rave. Oh, I definitely raved a girl. Statutory rave. You know what I got into Lagavulin? I did rave to a girl. When I have barbecues at my house and Norman would bring over half-drunk bottles of Lagavulin. It's like it's leftovers from the Schumer green room. What's this? Lagavulin 16. I would say Lagavulin is like, you can't beat that shit. So, Petey, you can chew it.

You're like drinking bacon, dude. It's very good. I'm pretty lit right now. Yeah, we all are pretty lit. I like this. This is nice. It's 530 in the evening. What we don't do is we should do. Do you guys have Patreon? Nah, we're too lazy. We got rid of it. Look at it. It's so great. Let me see. So fucking jacked. It's hard. Punch it. That's hard. 325 pounds. Jesus. You're fucking big, dude. Yeah, I jack. What's the drink?

Jack. I lift, bro. This has turned so gay. I'm touching his muscles. He's like, I fucking lift. By the way, this is what podcasts used to be. I got to be honest with you. Well, the old Rogans with like Burr and all these guys, they say horrible shit. It's so fun because they assume no one's listening.

I remember. The second we get Wi-Fi back, he couldn't wait to look up Orlando. What a hanger. It's a good cock, right? What a hanger. Good of mine. Good of mine. R, you're doing good. You're doing R. You're better than that. I'm not soft. I'm not. That's a soft king. Soft king. Soft sir. R is solid. Give it a rate of 1 to 10. That's an 8 and a half. 8 and a half.

There's a picture of me naked eating a lollipop in front of Bert on stage once. That is so stuffed. There's like nine angles on that. What do you have, a squid for a cock? It's chubbed up. Yeah, I'm chubbed up. It's going in eight different directions. There's nothing in there. Squid game. Those are balls. Those are balls, and that's a dick and a head of a dick. That is the thinnest Speedo ever. How did you find that Speedo? Mark, that's a great question. Speedos come with a liner, and I cut the liner. Oh.

I knew something was up. The better to jizz in there with. Wait till you see the panties I wear. What? Leanne got me some panties and they're fucking hot. Are we looking for Ari's cock? The ball bag is really where Ari shines. I don't even know what that means. How do you shine in a ball bag? He's got a huge hacky sack. Is that good? Shut this down. Black and white, but I'm behind him naked. Yeah.

I'm right behind him. That's pre-drugging. There's certain things I can't Google, but I just know that they're not my Google thing. I've seen enough of your scrotum for one day. We got it. What are you doing tonight, Ari? Might do spots. I might blow them off. Depending on what's happening. We're going to the Knicks game. Barf?

Huh? In a bar from the court? Probably. We're going to pull a Tracy. How about that? That'll sell tickets for the next year and a half. Yeah, you got to scrape your tour dates. Sell tickets? I'll throw up on the court. I'm surprised you haven't. A permission to party world tour starts September 19th. You got a new set? I mean, you just put a special on it. You have a new hour. It's six months from now. Oh, okay. And I just did nine months off. So all I've been doing is writing jokes. So you feel like your life... It's interesting because Louie...

Louis called me the other day, and he was like, you're working too much. You're calling in the cellar too much. Just fucking live. And I was like, yeah. So I've been working way less, and I've never done – Liz just was like, you're doing stuff? Liz was giving me shit. You're going to a Knicks game tonight. You're going to a Knicks game tomorrow, and you're going to Yankees the next day. That's a lot of sports. Opening day? Oh, nice. You should go, Er. First week, I'm going to be gone. Yeah, you know, but I think there's truth to it. You know, I think there's –

Todd Berry the other day was like telling me he's like there's a Chris Rock thing he said where he goes your audience is living you gotta live you gotta know what they're dealing with it's true though go wait in the line what was the face Bert I don't know

I like that. I can't imagine Todd Berry riding a roller coaster. Yeah, look. What are we talking about living? I mean, Todd. I love you, Todd. What are you doing? You do a lot of water slides and roller coasters and horseback rides. That is fair. That's a good point. He's not a diver alone. Todd Berry, I want you to call me with a set list of things you want me to do next week.

That's actually a TV show. That's a great point. That's a great point. Todd was not the messenger for this one. I love Todd Berry. That's a TV show. Google Todd Berry. Todd Berry does things. Google Todd Berry doing anything. Hey, guys. Todd Berry's like a black man. He just hangs out by the basketball court and goes to the club. Basketball court is generous. He's going to a diner alone. Black dudes do nothing.

I think we gotta wrap this up.

When you talk about black dudes doing shit, like kayaking. Oh, no, that's not happening. I'm talking about the fucking life. Oh, I thought you were talking about work. Black dudes, they just do, they're only allowed to do, Al Jackson had a great bit about it. Barbershop. They're only allowed to do a couple things. Barbershop, go to the court, and go to the club. Holler at white women on South Beach? That's it. And what's so funny is, like, Todd Berry is a black guy technically. He doesn't do a ton of shit.

Yeah. He's not doing any of those things, though. Ari, have you ever been paddle boarding? You've definitely paddled. You've been to China. Which one's paddle boarding? You've been all over the world. On the surfboard when you paddle. When you stand up? Yeah. Yeah, I've done that. Have you ever done kayaking? Yeah. Whitewater rafting? Yeah. Surfing? Yeah. Okay. Tom Berry's done none of those. None of those. That's a good point. Tom Berry's stand at the beach, go, ugh, look at these people. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. This is Ari and I wake surfing.

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like white guys do a lot of shit. Yeah. We do shit. We have free time and lots of money. We're dancing in a dangerous line here though. White guys do a lot of shit. We pay our taxes. We,

We raise our kids. We do school shooting. We hang out with our fathers. Oklahoma City bombing. That was all us. I wish I could tell a Bill Burr joke. We register our guns. You and Burr are cool again, aren't you? Oh, here we go. Yeah, we're cool. Yeah. What do you mean, here we go? They're cool again. No, no, we're cool. We're cool. We hung out at Chappelle's place.

We're cool. I saw that. When do white people and black people connect to do something? Drinking. Drinking, yeah. Smoking. Drinking's a big one. Drinking's a big one. You know what's a big moment with a black guy? When a hot lady walks by and you see the black guy look and you go. Connection. Well, that's a connection. Nothing connects black and white more than women. More than asses. Like a fat ass. That's a beautiful moment. We all like a fat ass. My first day of working at the Boston Comedy Club.

Patrice O'Neill, Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton, and Rich Voss were standing on West 3rd Street. A black, a Jew, a trans lover, and a walk into a bar.

- Patrice was catcalling ladies. - Oh, remember that? - I'd never seen that. - Fat cat calling. - I'd never seen that. I grew up in Florida. We don't catcall. I live in a cul-de-sac. Like, I've never seen someone catcall someone. - It's tough to do it to your neighbor. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hey, Ms. Krabopolis. - Yeah.

And I was like, I was blown away. I'd never seen it. And they were all having fun with it, you know? Did it work at all? I'm sure. No, it doesn't fucking work. I mean, it has to work sometimes. I don't know. It just gets some attention. No, no, no, no. It's a numbers game. Hang on, hang on. I didn't put this joke in my special, but I'll argue this. Okay. Because Isla got catcalled. I was doing Schultz. What? Isla got catcalled. I was doing Schultz. I brought Isla with me. Schultz catcalled Isla? Yeah.

What's up, dime? I was doing Schultz and I had Isla with me. My sperm doesn't work. And she was like, why would they do that? And I go, because it works. Because you're a piece. She goes, no, it doesn't work. I go, it doesn't work to you because you have self-esteem. Clearly it works.

to stop. Or you wouldn't do it. Like, there's clearly, like, I go, when you go fishing, do you put, do you whistle at the water? She goes, no. I said, why not? She goes, well, that's not how you catch fish. I went, yeah, you put a hook in the water, and I'm certain there's some fish that feel threatened. One fish going, I'll suck that hook. Oh,

Oh, I'm getting these parenting tips. This is good stuff here. She was like, I don't think I want to meet Andrew Cole. No, but there's no success stories about a happy marriage that met through like, look at that fat ass. I kind of get it. I think they just want attention and that's it. That's what they're going for. A little bit like, shut up, you, and then move on. Yeah, because every once in a while, it's like they probably laughed. Like, it's nice to be noticed, but like, we don't like it, but it's nice to be noticed. Yes. Biggest hero ever. Women like catcalling.

I think there's probably a type of person who likes it. Trans women love it. Trans women love it. That's true. Dude, you holler at a trans woman, she's into it. Yeah, because they're like, hey. Oh, fuck. Go to Santa Monica and fucking La Brea. Yeah, they're just like, let's book a ticket. Let's fucking do this. Let's go right now. Travel channel. Bring it back. Might be J-Lo's kid. Holler at trans women all over the world. We call Birchmower like, dude, you were right. They're loving it. They love it. They're loving this shit. What were we talking about before this?

Doing stuff. Best hero I ever saw in the black community going into outside lands. And as the crowd was going in, some black guy was just looking at every woman. Can I get your number? Can I get your number? Whoa. It's a numbers game. Can I get your number? No fear.

I used to do that when I was single and I was like a teenager. I'd just go up to random girls. Sam, can I get your number? Numbers game, batting average. It worked because there's always a woman out there like, I just got divorced, I got dumped, I need some male attention. Boom, you got the numbers. You got robbed your stats. Outsidelands was the shit, man. What's Outsidelands? It was so good for a while. It went kids, but it was fun. It was right there. Music Fest. In New York? No, it's an SF. Oh.

I never did that. Oh, no. I'm thinking of Governor's Ball. But Outside Lands ruled. Dude, I remember doing a fucking gig there. Fucking The Who was playing. What? The Who? What year was this? I saw Paul McCartney there. What? Yeah, they used to fly us out. It was great. Paul McCartney. All back. Vampire Weekend is fucking badass. That's a great band. Vampire Weekend. Doji! I fucking love Doji. Are you a Doji? I know Doji. She would not love you. She would. Yeah, we used to hook up.

Dude, you used to fuck Doji? Yeah, 12 years ago. Who's Doji? Yeah, back when she was Doji Kitten. Hold up. Doji. This is a lady? By the way, I know this will get Doji out. Oh, that's Doji. Pass the Doji to the top ten signs. Let's go through the list so far. We got Leanne Morgan, Sarah Silverman, Doji. Janine Garofalo. Todd Berry. Janine Garofalo can get it. Who? Janine.

Do you see her sometimes? You get off stage, she's waiting, and it's not dark. Like, who the fuck is that? She's got the reality bites. Holy hell, look at this lady. Wearing underwear. Dochi's letting you know light-skinned chicks aren't in anymore.

Ooh. Blood diamond in the house. This is fucking dope. Big Freedia's playing? By the way, I'm happy that we fucking- Big Freedia's clean. I was like, Bert Kreischer podcast over under two hours. We all took the over, I think. Yeah, Matt wrote me. He was like, come down here. I was like, how long have we been going? He was like, 45 minutes. We probably got like three more hours. Well done. Well done, Peters. This is-

She's cool as shit, too. She's the coolest. The fucking baddest bitch in town. Defendant Louie, by the way. Also, dude, she was a really great comic actress. Like, Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. That's a fuck. She's amazing. Reality Bites. By the way, she's a conscious stand-up comedy. Fucking brilliant. The tats are great. You have to be in her vibe to get it. If you're a fucking pedestrian, you won't get it. I fucking love Janine Grover. Janine's awesome. She's a good egg. She still does sets. Doji is like...

Fucking. That'd be a good Lesbo couple. Dolce and Janine. I'm trying to invite her family to do my Two Bears 5K. A whole family. Do it. Cut a promo. Is she famous? I'm so out of the loop. I'm old. She's huge. I don't know anything. We don't know who is famous. We're not good at this. Matt will send us guests and we're like, we don't know who any of these people are. I like Bill Murray.

D-O-E. I like, you know. I wanted Kristen Ritter on the podcast, but I guess she bailed, man. I don't know. I want John Ritter on. Yeah, the Rizzler has stood us up twice. Go to her tiny desk. What the hell is this? Go to her tiny desk. Go to her tiny desk. I don't know if we can play any of this. She's old school hip hop. She's bringing it back. Oh, good. Good for her. Look at her on this tiny desk. I like a tiny desk. Yeah, go to the...

Go to where the spike is. Right where the spike is. Right here. Oh, the spike. Bird knows all about the spikes. Shit. You know how to spike a drink. That's what I'm saying. Sorry. Tell me you don't want to be in a fucking room with her finishing a glass of wine.

this is what's great about this pod i never thought we'd get here yeah no one saw this you never know we're gonna end up but probably george's age oh yeah now i'm into her 22 yeah okay if you were if you were single what's the youngest you would go sexual oh good question about 34.

34? I think that's respectable. Yeah. Actually, and if we're being real, I'd just fucking clean up. I'd clean up fucking geriatric. Oh, I agree. I'd clean up fucking perimenopausal. I'd fucking slay a bunch of bitches that sweat at night. Who's perimenopausal? I don't know her.

It's a different rapper. But wait a minute. Tariq Manapal is a great rapper name. Cher is banging like a nine-year-old. Who's Cher? That's what we always go, oh, men are creeps. These women, they get power. They fuck down food. Madonna? I don't want to date a chick who doesn't know Fletch.

34 does not know Fletch. I need you to know what I'm talking about. That's true. I can't play a song and you go, who's this? Dude, 34 might not know Billy Madison. Fletch, I was a kid kid. You might be in trouble. I test date Peter. Peter, how old are you? Peter's. 28? And Peter will be like, I don't know who that is. You're 28? You don't know Fletch.

Who is in it? He only knows it because of me. Ah, here we go. He only knows it because of me. All right, all right. I want to have Peter. Think about love. And I'm being so real. I don't know where this came from, but I'm fucking loving it. I'm loving it. Think about love. Yeah. I'm being so real right now, and I hope this gets clipped out and shared with everyone. Clip it. Get ready. Clip it, send it, post it. It's a shared moment that you both get. For me and Leanne, you know what it is?

googly googly everyone gonna get it let's move on right you get that no i don't know what's happening googly googly adam sandler okay you know what adam sandler no no damn it was a real shot i'm gonna give you another one yeah ignore that edit that out triple it up me in the end ready yeah

The thing about love is you want a shared moment that you both have, that you both get. Yes. Leanne says to me, I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud. Only wetter. Yeah. David tell. Phantom, Phantom. Thanks for the memories. Bitch. Then I got to teach that too. Oh, as most women do the work. I don't know the work that you, I got to teach you how to be a grownup where you get David tell. Yeah. And, and so, uh,

I want it to sound like a boot stuck in mud only wetter. You finished my statement, Mark. I know it will. That is what love is. Love is getting your same thing together where you guys just get it. Yeah. Cultural references help. That's big. Who doesn't get it. That's why being a similar age does help. It's shared experience, too. You talk about something, then all of a sudden you just look like, huh? Leonardo DiCaprio is fucked. How about Al Pacino?

He's like, these are my movies. She's like, I wasn't born. Yeah, I don't even know who you are. He's having kids older than the mom. I'm going to tell you a secret story. The girls, and this is why I love my kids. The girls...

I have a bunch of friends over and they put on Matt Rife. His new special is coming out. And they like it. It's okay. That's right. But then Georgia and I go, you want to see something really funny? And they put on Shane Gillis. Whoa, really? That's love, right? When Georgia goes, you know, like with a little canism. Yeah, like...

Like that's what fucking love is is when you all get the same joke and I can't do that with a fucking 20 No, only fucker from behind and I will do that. Oh, yeah, pull up fucking fuck young kid

I want to see Bert Kreischer's dirtbag era, though, where he's just banging the fiction behind with AirPods in. In his sliding glass doors where Liam's gone. I want to sound like a boot sucking mud only wetter. At least put an iPad in front of her face and just show her, like, Chris Rock bring the pain.

I'd only slam old chicks. Old chicks are fun. Old chicks, no. I like old chicks. If they're old enough, you can blast in them. Old school boobs are fucking sexy as fuck. Disgusting. Way wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. Old school boobs are knee boobs. Nope. You ready? You ready? Old school boobs are fucking 70s boobs. 70s? No, old school boobs in the 70s. Oh, take a look at 70s boobs.

Ebony boobs fucking rock. That's a great utter right there. By the way, is this the next presidential debate? We'll see. Which tits do you guys want? What genre of porn, age-wise, do you think is the best? I'd probably go MILF. MILF is not a genre. I think it's 80s where you get the triangle because they can't sunbathe outside, so you get the triangle on the tits. A sun...

burnt tit is so fucking hot. And this is all real, by the way. There's no plastic surgery. There's no implants. There's no lip injections. No Botox. This is the real deal. Those are Leanne's tits. You ever see Holtzman's bit about Charlie's Angels when the movie came out? He goes, I don't like this movie, Charlie's Angels, because it gives women the frost impression that they can defend themselves. I am a 240-pound former crack addict. I will murder you. Ha, ha, ha.

You used boobs for the best boobs. Just type in 70s boobs. Damn. 70s boobs for the best boobs. You guys weren't born yet, but I was in the 80s. I was like 12. Maybe not. No, you guys were 82. I was breastfed in some 70s boobs. They were pretty good. 83. 80s boobs? 70s boobs were the best. Damn, look at that lady. I mean, what's her face? That is. What's her name?

Machete landing? The chick from True Lies. Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis. What a body. Come on, a body. The fuck up. Those are the best boobs you've ever seen in your entire life. That's a wide tit. Those are weird. Those look AI. That looks like one tit. Damn, those are huge. Who is this broad? I'm not loving these. Who is it? Are you serious? Oh.

Some of them. What are you doing? All right, all right, all right. I'm taking orders here. Pivot, pivot. All right, pivot. Right there, you're on. Type in small 70s boo. Ooh. Now I love that. Here we go. Pete's not. All right, Jesus. Mark, edit that out. I can't let her hear him say that. All right. She's a good egg. Small 70s boo. By the way, my crone might be the king of the milf fucker. Ooh.

He's banging a lady. His teacher. His teacher, who's 35 years older than him, and he married her. Emmanuel Macron, the French. The French prime minister, or whatever you call it. He's banging his teacher. He was friends with her daughter. He went to class with her. He literally lived the graduate. Yes. Yeah.

She's holding it together. Which, by the way, fucking great movie. Great movie. Great ending. What's the guy's name? Mike Phillips? No. If they're holding it together. Like, Demi Moore? She's still got it. She can still get it. Janine Garofalo can still get it. Margaret Cho can still get it. Demi Moore, one of the hottest women ever. I love it. I love that Ari's saying it like it's charity. I guess I can fuck Demi Moore. Sam, hold on. You know what? I'll change my opinion. I won't. I'll do them. We're hanging. I'm going to piss. Hold on.

You drunk is the best thing in the world. Oh, I'm a good drunk is a good time. You drunk. I'm a fun drunk. Let me explain. When I got to New York, what turned me on alcohol and specifically bullet bourbon or bullet rye on the rocks was you, Mackie, Norman list, not doing shit. Wait, Mackie. Oh yeah. Hanley, Wolf. And it was just such a fucking wolf. And you show up like, Oh,

Oh my god. You show up, I'm just going to do a spot and leave. You see everybody with that fucking small ice and you're like, I'll be here for four hours. Let's do it. Yeah, Wolf get lit up. Wolf boozes? What? I only talk to her about running. No, you're wasting it. She's a spritz queen. I mean, we've wanted Michelle in here forever. She's never here, but she said she'd come on. Yeah, she'll come on. We've always wanted her on here. She's still in Madrid.

Yeah. That is part of the problem. Yeah, it's a long flight. I went and hung out with her in Madrid. She's got her own club there. She wants to come on, though, she said. Yeah. That'd be fun. I haven't seen her for... A lit up Michelle is going to have to be so heavily edited. We used to drink together all the time. You know what's so great about Michelle? What?

He's just a shit talker. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He keeps it real. I'll tell you. Okay. Ready? Best gossip in comedy. Who is? Interesting. Yeah. These guys? We're fine. No. Yeah. No. I have my answer. Please. You're up there? Listen, we're talking about in the discussion first. No, I'm talking about... Are you making this another... Number one, number one, number one. Thank you, Matt. Tim Dillon.

Yeah, Tim can talk. We can talk about anything. He's the best gossip. And Tim just makes you feel like you're a part of something. Like he's fun. Let me tell you something. Bobby Kelly's not a bad gossip. He's out of picture. I miss Tim Dillon. I feel like we don't see him enough at all. Tim comes in every now and then. I go, hey, Tim, you want to do the pot? He goes, no.

I got things to do. Tim's the king of like, I'll do it. And then you get the worry. You're like, oh, shit. Missed my flight. Not coming. Book him for a cruise. That's a lot of work. But that's how we are with everything. We want to do everything. And then you ask us and we're like, I'm hungover. But you get Tim in a green room and it just elevates. You don't even want to go on stage. You're like, oh, this is good. This is better. Schumer in her prime was a great trash talker. Yeah. Intervention with her.

To come back to Trash Dog? You can do it. She can do it. We're going to pull you away. We're going to take you to upstate New York. And we're going to turn you back into a cop. What is she, a dog with an illness? Yo, yo, yo, we got to stop talking about politics. We got to stop talking about fucking. Every comic got to stop. And be like, and we love you to death. No more prayer sessions. And she was. This is what sucks about Schumer is that like everyone forgets.

She was a fucking great hang. Great hang. We did that, whatever that big festival thing was. Adam Richman. Oh, what? Adam Richman. Put him on speaker. Adam.

Oh, man. Now, I'm sitting here with Mark Norman, Sam Rell, and Ari Shaffir. He doesn't know who we are. He doesn't know who we are, but it's nice to see you, Adam. Listen. Great hat. I'm going to turn you around, and I know your position on this. I'm defending the opposite, but I know your position on this. Pull up some celebrity pics. How do you feel about when people videotape you and they do it on the sly? On a podcast, randomly. Without being asked. What?

Well, it's different. On podcasts, randomly, it's like fair game, I guess. Right? But like, generally speaking, like, I think I'm always like pretty approachable for like photos and videos. Just come ask me. Just come ask me. Just come ask me. That's what I said. I said ask. Yeah. Yeah. Consent. Adam, can I ask you a question? Because you're like a food guy. What best pizza in America? What do you think? Oh, man. I mean, I'm going to say, I'll just say New York, like just flat because there's so many different styles. Yeah.

I mean like a spot I meant. What is your favorite place in New York? A specific spot? Yeah.

Hey! Oh. All right, all right. Best pussy in America. He's going to say Asian. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Let me tell you something. Man, I always say this. You are underrepresented with how smart you are. Can we do a game real quick? This is my favorite thing in the world. Ready? Say hi to my friend Chris, by the way. Hey, Chris. Watch this. We've been drinking. Hey, Adam, can you give me an intro to Man Vs. Food for Columbus, Ohio?

We did Columbus last time with Tommy. You want to pick another city, man? Oh. I love being in Columbus. That is fun. You remember. You give me a city. I don't know a city. Spokane. Dallas. To have the guys pick any man versus food that they've seen. I'll hit you with the intro. Seattle. Seattle? Okay. Let me just remember what the challenge was. Got it. Okay. So I went to Broken Yolk.

Red Mill. Broken Yolk. What was the other burger? I did Red Mill, Broken Yolk. Damn. I'm trying to remember the others. You go to Chaz. The ones I had in Seattle. Oh, yeah. Got it. Got it. Watch this. Okay.

Wow. I didn't know he was autistic. Wow.

You're going to be fun with dementia. You are blowing their fucking mind out of me. That was incredible.

Wow. Whoa. What a pro. Wow. Yeah. I love you to death, man. Wow. I love you to death.

Guys, will you tell Bert to return my calls and texts? Oh! Wow. He's one of us. He's one of us. I love you. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow. Don't kill yourself. We got to wrap this up. We're going to a game. Oh, yeah. Broken Yoke. Good abortion title. That's crazy.

Wow. He can do that. We got drunk one night in Arizona. And I kept going. I was just naming cities. And he'd do the read. He'd do the read. I can kind of do them, but I fuck it up.

Because I can remember the challenge, and you know the read. The read, though. He's fucking the read. He's crazy. He knows all that. I'm here in Las Vegas, Nevada, and I'm ready to take on the final foursome challenge. Like, it's kind of crazy. Wow. He's intense. He's a pro. I feel like we could do that with the city, but to do it like that. Hey, Seattle, go to this bar. And the way he says it, too. I know. Full promo. Sounds like a TV show. He's like a pro wrestler. Yeah.

Yeah, he's good. What time you got to go to the game? He lives in the Bronx. We're leaving in a few. We got to plug some dates. Where are you going to be, man? Are you back? Permission to party world tour. Check out Lucky on Netflix. Check out Lucky on Netflix right now. Two Bears 5K is May 4th. Burtcast. Me, Jelly Roll, and Tom. Whoa. Oh, geez. He's going to die out there. That's a lot of jiggle.

That's a lot. That's a lot of jiggle. A ton of jiggle. Jiggling for 4.9 days. Mostly jiggle. Yeah. Why don't you guys suck it up and come down? To what? Tampa? No, when is it though? I mean, when is it? I know I heard you. May 4th. You would have got me in March. I hate to miss spring in New York.

I have not partied with enough, and I miss you, man. I miss you, dude. Fucking call me. When you laugh. Because Mark Norman's a little bit of a cunt. Like where he goes like, he does these, he does these. If you notice, he goes like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Mark never gets fucking lit. I'm pretty sloppy, right? Let's go have a drink right now. Let's go have a drink right now. Kill it. I'm going to puke on the floor. Do you see what a bitch does? I'm already there. Hang on. Let's all take it.

What are you doing? Are we chugging it? Let's chug them. Oh, boy. Chug them. That's a lot of cranberry. We're pigs. Ah, all right. Ari's special is on Netflix. It's called Jew. America's Sweetheart. America's Sweetheart. Yeah. You can see them all there. I thought we were chugging this. I'm over on Lucky. Check out his new tour schedule. If I'm permissioned to party, I will not be going to Dubai.

Why not? I can't take my shirt off and I can't party. You can't take your shirt off because they think you have tits. Oh. He also can't drive all the time. I was like, so I'm just going over to the hit a chick? Like, that's it? That's illegal. You can hit a chick there. Mark, you got to catch up, man. You got to chug it, dude. Mark, Mark, Mark. Chug alarm. Stop being a bitch. This is what kills me about you. Stop. Just do it.

Do it. Mark, do it. Stop, Mark. You're not drinking. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Yes. Yes. Normo. He's sneaky. You got to keep eyes on him. He's Norman-lizing his behavior. He's sneaky because he's not enough of an alcoholic. First of all, you're the same as me. He's the same as me, and he can't admit it. What do you mean? But Mark's better than Normo. I'm the same as you. You're the same as me. You drink as much as I do. Of course.

No. No. I get as drunk as you do, but I don't drink the same. No one drinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get lit up. We got sloppy that one night with Sal. Holy shit did we get sloppy. Yeah, we took photos on the street. We got our new Rogan suits and we go, let's break them in. Yeah. He's got Rogan suits. He sent us suits for free with like top

notch tailoring. It was unbelievable. Yeah, Rogan's like, you want a suit? And we're like, okay. I'll send you the photo. We'll plug it in here. And then we come in and he goes, here's four of them. I'm like, dude, I live in a New York apartment. I don't have room for four suits. I know. Rogan sent you four suits? Cut to me and him at a bar. We're going to wear our suits. Let's go out drinking and wear our suits. So we put the suits on. His is like, he looks like Matthew Lesko. You know, like, hey, pull him up. All I got is this watch. Yeah. From Rogan? Yeah. I don't have a watch, but I wear a suit. I don't know.

whatever but we got four suits we put them on we got shit face yeah sal showed up and there's a shot of me on a on a fucking mailbox on a mailbox sitting on the street and it's like four in the morning new york at night is the best photography you can do and let's oh yeah good times wait why are we ending this because we got to go to a game well fuck that game seven o'clock

Yeah, we got to meet him. We got a minute. We got another time to go on with. Let's do one more. Jerry. Let's do one more. One more. One more bottle. Jerry Seinfeld? No. Jerry Seinfeld and Tracy Morgan. Who are you going with? Who are you going with? Bill Cosby and Chris Alina. It's a 730 game. Hamilton? Yeah. I love that guy. Great guy. Best hair in comedy. What is it? Ali Sadiq?

You look dark there, Mark. Let's do another drink. I think we all do one more big drink. Did you and Chappelle ever get over your beef? What? Beef. Never mind. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. That wasn't you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just drop it. What? No, I'm just creating internet. Leave it in. He texted me a few times. We had a good text. Isn't that great? That's so good. That's so good. What a good friend. He keeps trying to get me to come to Ohio. Oh, just go. Actually, I can't talk about this. I can't talk about this.

We're out of pour of good. Let's get the good stuff in. Let's try some of this bodega cat. Well, we can't switch liquors. Let's switch to pour flavor. What are we, fucking kids? Beer before liquor never been free. Mark, those rules don't apply. Beer before queer, you're whatever. Beer before queer? Yo, you might have. Beer before queer, you're Archer Beer. Sam, you might have the best laugh. Because your laugh, you show all your molars. You go, ha ha.

I can't show my molars because they're yellow. This is a Bodega Cat Porosus collab drunk episode. Let's do mixes. Let's do a little mixy. We killed a whole bottle. Hold on, I'll do a mixture. What's left in there? Is there anything left in there? I'll do a mixture of Porosus and... Did we kill a whole fucking bottle? Holy shit. I have to go to dinner with fucking SquarePants. Mark, that's fucking not great. Oh, no. I gotta hit my kid. I left him on the counter. Shit. Shit.

We got to wrap this up. Oh, that's a big pour. Wow. What are we doing? Taking off my leg in the Civil War. Ever since Mac got the henna tattoo, he's changed. This is a mess. This has turned into a complete mess. I forgot. Sal, were you at the fucking bachelor party? Yeah. Look different. Big mustache. Oh.

The best was Sal was like, we were all like, there was one uninvited guest and we're like, I don't know how to tell him to go. And Sal was like, you want me to tell him to go? I'm like, yeah, man. He'll butt in. And he'll be like. Was it John Manns? He just went over there. No, no. It was way worse. He just went over there like, you got to go. I told Ari last night, I can't play Brick Breaker anymore because of that bachelor party. What is it? Brick Breaker is my favorite game to play. It would get me rid of anxiety on planes. And I was so sick the next day.

that I, I played Brick Breaker the whole day. So every time I play Brick Breaker, I, I, I feel sick. Oh,

It's like the thing. I get that. I get that with food. When you're hungover and you eat a food, you can't eat it again. You relate it to the sickness. Certain foods will fucking help with a hangover. That's true. Best food to have on a hangover. I like everything bagel with bacon, egg, and cheese. Nice. That's a great one. Egg runny? I love a runny egg, man.

I won't mind a runny egg, but that whole thing is great. Chant, a little Eastern European stew. You know what's great hangover food? Leftover Chinese food. Ooh, that's good. Cool. I need to warm it up. I'm going to say something wild. Who's going to say that? Hangover is fuck.

Can I say something wild? Fucking kids is my hangover cure. That's my hangover cure. I like fucking kids. I can't do it anymore with these new rules. New rules. New rules by Bill Maher. Can't fuck a kid. New rule. No more fucking kids, okay? I don't want to have any kids, but I'll eat them out. Hey, guys, are we going to be jokes all the time? Or are we going to tell stories? This crowd usually gives me a step in the direction of that. No, no, no, no.

Kyle Dunnigan, funny guy. New rule, people, okay? Okay. Crazy that Bill won't do Rogan if he talks about Kyle Dunnigan. And it's even funnier that Rogan's like, I'm definitely gonna do it.

Yes. And Bill's like, I'm a comedian. You're like, are you? Are you, though? You can't be made fun of. You can't be talked about. You got to give Jerry credit. He laughs at people making fun of him. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I don't care about Palo Alto. What's the deal with it? I said to you, I don't know. I'm being real right now, and I'm drunk. So edit that out. I don't like when you do an impression of a comedian. What do you mean? Personally, I don't like it. What do you mean? Sam specifically or anyone? Anyone.

No, like, I don't know. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. I texted you one time. Like, Jeremiah did an impression of Mark, and I didn't like it. Oh, I thought it was funny. It bothered me. No, I thought it was really funny. It's funny, but I go, yo, I don't like, because they did it to Dane, and it minimizes the person. Oh.

And it's like, yo, there's a nuance. Oh, I thought Jeremiah did it with love to Norman. Yeah. I know, but I didn't edit it out, but I just didn't like it. I don't like an impression. No one does impressions of me. Here's why I didn't like it, because I was on the show with him and Dr. Phil, and I was like, can one of you not be a character that I can riff with? Yeah. Do I have to compete with only characters here? This is hard. It bothered me. It bothered me. I texted Mark the next morning, and I said, I don't like that. I don't like it.

I'm just weird about it. So, like, I understand Bill Maher's point of view. Do you remember when they did it about Dane on SNL? Yeah. No. It was on Mad TV. Mad TV? No. It was like Barinholtz. So you whittle down the thing they do, and you go like, I'm this, I'm that, I'm that. And then none of the nuance is there. It's like you can do it to every comic. And I'll tell you, they did it to Sebastian a couple times on Skanks.

And I understood it. I get it. But it's like, Sebastian's a little more than, what's up with these people? You know, they know that though. They're just like doing it for funny. The funny part. I know, but I just don't like it. I think when it's done with love. Flag decks, I may not like putting that in there because I'm just,

I get it. I don't want to shit on Jeremiah. I'm not shitting on Jeremiah. He fucks kids. You can shit on him. I'm cool with Jeremiah, and we talked about it, so I find it somewhat flattering, but I see what you're saying. It bothered me. I texted you probably. I don't think what Epstein did with the kids was cool, but I think his Martin Norman impression was pretty good, so I stand by it. By the way, I agree more with Epstein. Dude, hey.

What ever happened to that island? I don't know. It's up for sale. We got to get it. It's all going together. Big comedy fest on Epstein's Island. Oh, I love it. Comedy festival. Headliner Crystalia. Let's do it. The Epstein Island Comedy Festival. Only young comics. That could be something. Is that really for sale? Just laying a little book in. Is that really for sale?

Yes. Are you going to buy it? You can buy it. How much? I can buy it. $125 million. You got that? That's eight months for you, Bert. $125 million. Oh, you got that? Does it come with the dock and all the buildings, or do they destroy it? Look at all the nice huts and the bungalows. Plenty of huts.

You could Airbnb that. You could make it back in five years. You got the massages, man. Let's do this. I went to St. Martin with the wife. We went on a drunk booze cruise and we passed by it. It's a beautiful island. It's right there. Right there. You ever see Adrian's bit about it? Imagine you're washed up on a, like you have a shipwreck and you wash up on Epsom Island. Like, thank God I'm saved. Wait a minute. Even better. I think Adrian would have been cool. Who? Adrian Appaloochee. Yeah, she could have kept the secret. She's cool. Oh, yeah. I think she would have been like, I don't think anyone would have touched it.

There are only fucking kids there. What the fuck? She washes up. They're like, hey, let's get you some help. Yeah, she'd be fine. I just want a room. She's too old. I think Adrian would have been like, hey, guys. We're like, oh, you got to enter this back then. We're like, you old man.

Here's a pop. Oh, we don't allow nannies here. You are your age older than everyone here. Go watch Adrienne's special on Netflix as well. She's awesome. Dark Queen. Produced by Ari. Executive producer. And we love her. She's an old friend of ours, and she's awesome. She was on here, and it was pulling teeth, but she's a good egg. Possible worst episode ever of You Be Trippin'. I was Portugal. I was like, all right.

Do you meet anybody like, yeah, some people. Are you serious? Oh, my God. It's like, how would the men there go? Yeah, they were fun. I read the comments, too. On that one? Her again. She's on everything. I'm dying here. That's, fuck the comments. You got to get her in the right boat. Mark Norman. I wrote that. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on one second. Bert, go. Mark Norman used to suck on podcasts. Do you remember that? No. Teach me. Oh.

You were awful. When you did Birdcast in the back of the day, you're like, I don't know how to do it. What do I do?

Oh, yeah. I was a comic. I didn't know what the hell was going on. You got so good on podcasts. Well, you got to learn these things. You got to work your way up. But I remember you coming on my podcast. You're like, I don't tell stories. I don't know how to do this thing. Oh, yeah. And we sat in my man cave with no air conditioning. And you told the story about fucking your drama teacher. Yes. That's a classic. It's such a good story. I was on Disney. And I was crying laughing. I was crying laughing. I learned. I learned over time. But I just...

you know, it was a new thing. It was like, we did stand up, we wrote jokes. And then he went deep in where he's like, overdose me on Xanax. So I have something. Yeah. God damn. I got a million stories. So I learned quick, but podcasting was like a new thing that we had to just figure out. It started in LA, then went to New York. So New York was like, at the beginning, like, what is it?

Totally. We should wrap up, guys. Bert, plug the new specials on Netflix. Lucky. Lucky. It's awesome. Get some dates. This is best work yet. Top ten. We got Winnipeg. We got Tampa, Florida. Oh, you're at home? Halifax, Canada. Spokane, California. Halifax, nice. Dang. Calgary, Vancouver, Rockford, Illinois. That's where Natasha's from. Milwaukee, St. Paul, Minnesota.

Minnesota. Duluth. Great dreading song. Eugene. I want to show David tells that Eugene, Oregon or the town that makeup for God. Oh,

Red Rocks, October 1st with Joey Diaz. Good luck getting him on a plane. He'll do it. When he comes out, people are going to go, I rode a plane with him toward the last Burt tour. The only reason I'm open for Rogan is because Joey Diaz canceled 60% of the time. And Joe's like, I'm not going to not bring him, but I need a backup. I saw him today, and we were talking about like...

I weaseled him into a corner and he said, oh, come on, we might be drunk. Yeah, he didn't like it. But he's coming on. You got all from Kraludes. We'll get him on there. He's a Kraludes guy. I love Joey. He wants to see his kid. He wants Mercy. He's talking Knicks with me, though. He's a big Knicks fan. He's the best. I love him. I love Joey. He's coming out. He wants Mercy to see Colorado. We'll get him on. And so I said, we're bringing you guys out.

We do it. You know how great we do Red Rocks. I did two of them. It was unbelievable. It's like a special night. We saw Jimmy Buffett the next night. Wow. What a weekend. We saw Wilco one night, right? Yes. Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy Buffett or somebody else? We saw Buffett. Jimmy Buffett. I have photos of it. I'll plug them in. Can I tell you the thing that bums me out the most is I met Jimmy Buffett. I gave him my number. And then because the internet got my number, I had to change my number.

and Jimmy Buffett, the week before he died, was trying to text me because he was watching my Santa specials. He told me that, and I went, motherfucker. It breaks my heart because I'm such a Jimmy Buffett fan. I hung out with him in Key West.

Yeah, we went to a show. Fucking what's the name from Comedy QS got us in. Jimmy Buffett's on his deathbed. He's like, tell Bird. Hang on, hang on. This is the beauty. Hold on. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. Yeah, let me do it. The beauty is when someone dies, you say whatever you want. Let me do it, yeah. Because Whitney Houston and I were close friends. We were hanging out. He was wearing shorts. He was like, my heart's really not in this anymore. And I was like, do you like stand-up? He goes, yeah.

This one guy, Bert's been annoying me. And I like, Oh, my God. Damn it. Hang on for real. Who's your most famous fan?

Whitney Houston was in a bathtub and she was like, we might be drunk. It's like your stand-up. It's my favorite. Like, what's one person that reached out and was like, yo, Ari, it's RJ or KJ. Ray J? Ray J. Ah. Ray J doesn't like me. Famous people don't like me. We had a moment. Eddie Brown maybe is the biggest. I'm oversharing if you edit out what you want. But we were at the comedy store and the hip-hop guy was there. And I was like, hey, was that K-pop set high? Hip-hop guy.

He was like, hey, what's up? I was like, how you doing, man? I was like, so good to see you. This is my buddy Ari. And he went like this to Ari and he went...

Oh my god, I was like, who's this guy? And I didn't know. It was great. I was like, oh, nice shirt. He goes, thanks. And I was like, this guy's being standoffish. I'm not going to say. But I'll tell you afterwards. But it was like, oh. Was it Kanye? He doesn't like your kind. I think he likes it. What? I don't know. I don't know. But yeah, I was like. It was so crazy because I realized. Because then people came up to him and was like, oh, is that guy famous? And they're like, yeah, he's been on your storytelling show. I'm like, oh, the year I was gone.

Oh, the Roy Woody years. Yeah. Just say it. The dark years. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. Literally. Yeah. Wait, who was it?

Jay-Z? It was Talib Kweli. Talib Kweli. Ooh. I don't know. I was like, nice shirt. He loves comedy. If you're black and you meet Ari, you got to have him. You got to rep. You got to rep. You got to rep. If you love a woman. Snoop's a close friend of mine. Yeah. But if I see Ari with Snoop, I got to go Ari walk away.

Yeah, walk away. Me too. I'm tight with Snoop and I'm like... No, disown me. I'm like... Disown me. I'm not. Even Michael J, I gotta pretend we're not friends anymore. I see Alex English at the cell and I'm like, Ari, who is that? They love a one-time MVP. Oh.

Oh, he's doubling down. It's so funny, too, because I saw him and I was like, nice shirt. He goes, oh, thanks. I got it on the road because it was out of shirts. I'm like, bro, I've been there. You know how many times – I didn't know who he was. I was like, you know how many times I've asked for a venue shirt so I could make it through the whole week? And he was like, what? I was like, no, so you get a free shirt so you can make it through the whole week because –

I was like, oh, you have more money than I do, I guess. Yeah. Well, check out Ari's special. I'll be in Anchorage. I hope people enjoyed this. Dreadful human. Ari Shafir, good friend of ours. Friend of friend. Got off with you. We love Ari. Come see me in May. We'd love to have you. Hold on.

Do you want an opener? Wait, are you going to be there? No, I'd go with you. Wow. Bert, are you fucking kidding me? He's drunk. He's drunk. I'm not doing anything in May. I'm not doing anything in May. Bert, I would love for you to do an hour 15 in front of him. Let me open for you. I have no material. Oh, that would be amazing. I'm doing Cardiff, Birmingham, London. I hope he buries you. UTA. That's his.

Dude, let's... It's all set up. Let's hang. Let's step these up a little bit.

Do double nights at every show. I love it. Hold on. This is legally binding. This is a verbal contract. This is legally binding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to say this, and then two days later you're going to go, oh, I'm gay now. I'm done. I'm done. After the Two Bears 5K in May 4th, I'm done. This is in May, mid-May. Great. Pull the dates up. What are you doing? Pull the dates up. I could use some help in Columbus, Ohio coming up if you want to...

Keep it going. Keep going. What do we got? There we go. Pete, what does it look like? We got Reykjavik. I'm opening. That's already sold out, by the way. It won't be there for Reykjavik. Salford, which I've never heard of, and I'm excited to go. Cardiff, Bristol, Birmingham, London, and Glasgow. Harry, Harry, Harry fucking go. And Belfast. Belfast.

Dude. Then back to Rochester to really help. Let's do it. Let's do it. I mean, we'd love to have you. That'd be great. I'll just open and work out. Yeah, I don't have any material, so that'd be great. That would be a fucking blast. We're going to party? Of course. Oh, yeah. You got to pay him back. What else am I doing in the UK? Is Ben coming in the kid? No. Oh, good.

This could be hard, though. Old school birdie boy. Old school birdie boy. This could be old school. Let's go to Waterloo. What else we got, Mag? Pull some other dates. I got Sam's dates here. Yeah, what else we got? 13th, Milwaukee. No, no, start in fucking Columbus, man. When's this coming out? No, it just comes out on the 13th. I thought this was coming out this weekend, I thought. Peter told me April 13th. Who's this this weekend?

So we've already missed April, May? What is it? DeStefano's this weekend. Oh, I got you. Okay. Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, St. Louis, Kansas, Minneapolis, Phoenix, San Diego, Sacramento, SF, Portland. We had a late show on a Monday. Please don't make me regret that. Seattle, Vancouver, Boise, Salt Lake sold out, and then we got...

Denver. So, yeah, I hope I see you guys out. Sam Earl dot com slash shows. Follow all of us on Punch Up. Punch Up is the shit. Yeah. Slash Sam. All I got is all I got is my storytelling shows. Just two left in April. Just the late show Monday, late show Tuesday and then Anchorage, Alaska. Wait, are these before? Those would be before your show, correct? What will be before? His dates.

I can run a story. His dates will be after my show. My show's in April. Yeah. Secret lineup. Secret lineup. I'm definitely not on that. Secret lineup.

All lineups are secret. The lineup is good. And lastly, Mark and I have a really funny documentary going up on Punch-Up Live right now. Can I get it? You might be in it. You're in it. You're in it. You're both in it. I'm in it too? I think so. Yes, you're definitely in it. We'll put a picture of you. Page to stage...

Check it out. Episode 2. Mark tries to write one clean joke. Took him six weeks. Who are you, Tom Dreesen? What are you, a fucking queer? You want a clean joke? You ready? Clean joke, clean joke. Ladies and gentlemen, clean joke from Bert Kreischer. Never heard of it. I want to see how quick you guys are. You're better than I am. Better than everybody.

These two are quicker. They'll get more. Don't build it up. What did Mr. T say after he pushed 50 Cent in the pool? What? I pity the pool. I pity the pool. I pity the pool.

Come on. There we go. I am. You're better than I am. All right. All right. Ready? Ready? Another joke joke. Ready? All right. By the way. Let's make a mix of the game. So I made, I wrote this in a hot tub high and it made me laugh so hard. All right. But I didn't, no one got it. And then I, and then I wrote it in my joke book and then I didn't get it until I got it. I got it. Okay. I want to do a, I want to do a Prince cover band called Prince Harry.

I do not get it. We'll cut that. No, no, no, no, no. And just like that, folks, we had a great week. Because he's not the real prince. He's the second prince. So is Prince Harry. Like, I...

That wasn't bad. We love you guys. Waterloo! Drink poor Osos. We love Bert. Go see his new special. Go see Ari's new special. Go see them both on tour. Two of our favorites. Yes. A privilege. I mean, we see Ari all the time, but we never see Bert, so this is a treat. And we love you, and we'll see you next week. We love you guys. Yeah, we might be hammered. Yeah. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close.

And Norman's talking shit up in the same way. Up on the roof like you're feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't remember her truth.