Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
One more drink, more drink, and for sure we gon' sting. 5am, you pricks, the bomb, what we do? Catch up for a few riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2. Talk some shit and then we'll sleep till 2.
Hey, hey, folks! Here we are. Get your drink on. We might be drunk with Mark and Sam. We're here. What's shaking? Yo, yo. I'm chilling, man. What are you doing? I just got back in town today from Raleigh, and I'll tell you, it's an hour and eight minute flight. I love it. And I took a nap, but I'm ready to have a cocktail. Oh, what are you drinking? Well, today I'm going right in with maybe the best scotch I own. Wow. I want to see this.
Oh man, you're going classy Lagavulin 16 Oh yeah, I don't know where I got this Somebody gave it to me or it was a gift But special occasions Ooh, classy That's a classy man scotch Oh yeah Or woman You know who's always drinking that on tour? I'm sure you know Amy Schumer Yes, maybe that's where I got it I have no idea where this came from I wish I did know I've been sitting on this one and
You know, it's the 12th ep. That's a milestone, I guess. You know, 12 steps, 12 ep. What did you do this when you're on tour with her? Because a lot of people, you know, may not know this, but the rider, you get the rider, you get it in your dressing room. You cheat, have the booze in her dressing room, which I'm sure she didn't take. Yes.
And then you get the booze in your dressing room, which I'm sure you took. So you took yours and hers. I took mine home. I took hers home and I took all her food. I didn't want to be too, too high maintenance. So I was just like, give me one bottle of this and a couple of granola bars and some beef jerky. And I'm out because, you know, you don't want to buy beef jerky on your own. That shit's like eight ninety nine. That's such a that's such a man rider. I love it.
Granola, beef, and scotch Yes, I want to be I want to just be able to throw it in my bag And get moving I got my starch, my meat, and my liquor
When I was out with her, I think I got your rider a lot of the time So when I was out with her, I remember there'd be like Ardbeg Yes Which is like a great winter scotch Yeah, Petey, very good, very good scotch Well, this is the king of Petey, Laphroaig and Lagavulin, what you have right now That's true, yeah, just that dark bottle, oh my god, I love it, it's so thick and, whew Smells like bacon, man Yes, much like my ex, but wait a minute
What is more overpriced? Beef jerky or printer ink? I haven't owned a printer in years Oh yeah, me neither Whenever I talk to someone who's like 50 They're like, you fucking millennial
That I don't own a printer, but I'm like, why do I need one? Like, well, I don't get what I, I guess like if you're writing a script and you want to look at it on a page rather than on the screen, but like, I don't need a, all I'd really use it for is probably contracts. And then what am I going to scan shit? This sounds like a whole, I can just download an app. I can write my thing in like, why do I need a printer? I know, but there was like a five year period where you kind of had to have one. Everybody printed their boarding pass. You had to print shit out and sign it.
There was always some need for a printer. I would go to the store and print out my boarding pass, and then I would print the return ticket in the hotel lobby. Oh, that's cool.
That's right, in the little, what do you call that? It was like the business suite or whatever bullshit Which we've all jerked off in before, let's be honest The business center? The business center, yeah, yeah The center, a little grandiose I know, I know I'm going down to the business center It's one computer next to a bunch of like Chex Mix from the fucking area Yeah, exactly Oh, I hated that computer, it was always so slow You had to log in, you didn't know your password, it was a nightmare
There was always some old guy on it before you And you're like please just let me print out my fucking boarding pass He was looking He was looking at like sunsets Oh yeah Remember the You might not have had this as a Manhattan kid but
Growing up in the 90s, we had the computer room. And you had to have... Yeah. You had a designated room for the computer for porn, for eBay, for Googling stuff, directions. Well, yeah, we did. And I remember the AOL, like, it made noise. You had to be careful. Like, you were doing a heist just to jack off back in the day. Yeah.
Yeah, that was an exciting sound back then. You had the towel under the door for weed, for the sound. The towel played a big role in adolescence. Yes, and that towel was crunchy. Let's be honest. Oh, man, that was a wild time. I remember jerking off with headphones in because I was like, oh, I'll be stealthy. But then you're also freaking out because you don't know if footsteps are coming.
Damn, that's right, noise canceling. It's got its perks, it's also got its problems. Yes, exactly, exactly. I used to do this thing where I'd watch Playboy TV, The Scramble, but you jerk off with one hand and the other hand was on the last channel button on the remote control. That was a big one. The last, so like someone walks in, you pull it up and you switch. Exactly, yeah. Boom, I'm back on PBS. Yes.
Your mom's even more suspicious that you're watching PBS. She'd rather watch you fucking... It's like the thing is, what's weirder, watching a 13-year-old boy jacking off or walking in? You're like, are you just watching Bob Ross? What the hell? Yeah. I'm watching Julia Child, Mom. Get out of here. Well, I'm drinking an Old Pal. This is... It's called an Old Pal?
That's the name of the drink It's a classic drink It's basically a play on the Boulevardier Which is like A Boulevardier is a Negroni But with whiskey instead of gin So it's Campari, sweet vermouth, bourbon Right? The old pal is what I'm drinking One part Campari One part bourbon And one part dry vermouth Not sweet, dry Nicely done
It's a good-ass drink Some people go a little heavier on the whiskey And a little lighter on the other two I think it goes pretty well equal parts But it's a nice drink, man It looks good I drank it at a show the other night And I got everyone there It was like, what is that? And the bartender tried and goes I'm having one of these Everyone started drinking an Old Pal An Old Pal for an Old Pal Old Pal's doing a podcast Yes, hear, hear It looks kind of almost fruity and punchy
It's not, it's kind of like tart, but I like, I don't like a too sweet cocktail except for the Manhattan is like the one sweet cocktail I like. Yes. It's got a bite to it where it's like a old pal. It's like almost like, I mean, it's weird. It's like kind of Campari with bourbon. I don't think you see it a ton. So I kind of, I kind of like that. No great choice. I love it. I love, I've never heard of it, but it's a good looking drink. It just, it's something sad about calling your cocktail, your friend.
That's my old pal. You know, the wife left me and this is the only thing I can rely on. Old tried and true here. The only thing worse than old pal is old faithful. Yeah, it's the only thing that I can count on to help me through life. I didn't realize how sad. I thought it was like a joyous drink. You just made me realize how sad this drink is. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love a good cocktail, but yeah, there is something sad about calling your drink your buddy.
Come here, amigo. Exactly. Give me any toast this week? Oh, jeez. This is a weird one, but it's not a thing. It's not a person or an object, but I've been trying to get a little more... I don't know if classy is the right word, but...
I bought a watch. I got a watch. Let's see. It's a piece of shit. It's a Casio. It's $30. But I just love this thing. I love doing that move. I love that. And then I have another thing where I'm trying to get a little more James Bond-y, where I wear my jacket and I keep things in the inside pocket. I love an inside pocket. Don't you feel cool pulling shades out of there, pulling a pen or whatever it is, your wallet? Yeah.
So I'm toasting the inside pocket. Wow, that's a great toast. I love what you just said about the inside pocket because I never wear blazers. When I have a jacket with it, I can't wait till I wear a blazer, by the way. I can't wait till I wear a blazer and it doesn't look ridiculous on me. Yes, exactly. I feel the same way. I think the Seinfeld look is, like, great. Jeans, a blazer, and, like, he's, like, the only dude left wearing Nike shocks. It's like...
Like I've never seen anyone else. He's wearing like the, like nineties Nike. I think, I don't know if someone, I think has a bit about this, how you like you wear whatever year you peaked in forever. It's his bit. Well, it's like, that's what he did. It's like, you're wearing the nineties outfit. So true. But, but yeah, the, the inside of the jacket pocket, man, you,
It's fun to pull out shades. That's like the coolest pullout. It just looks so classy. You look like a man. You got your shit together and it's tucked away. I don't know. There's something about it. And I'm with you on the blazer. I love a sports coat, but I just can't do it. I mean, I'm a child. But we're like bomber age. We're like bomber jacket. I have a couple slick jackets, but I always feel...
A little weird, you know? Yeah, same. But that trench coat you got, that's pretty badass.
Yeah, I love a trench coat, man. I just, if I see it, I'm like, I'm not like a big go to the place and shop, but I found that at like Century 21 brought down a shitload of money, and it's just like, oh shit, I feel, I put it on, I was like, I feel like a PI. I fucking love this. Yes, I love a trench, and I like an old Gordon Gekko, like the beige one with the belt. Yes. I just, I could never do it. See. You could, you could. I don't think I could do it. That's so professional. It's so adult. Yeah. Yeah.
You know what the problem is? We still feel like kids. So we feel, we feel because of our careers. Like I, just another thing Jerry would always say is that like, well, however many years you've done standup is like how old you actually are. So we're teenagers, right? Right. You put a, you put a jacket like that on as a teenager. You were in our heads. It's almost like whenever I put an outfit on, I'm like,
What's Colin Quinn and Keith Robinson of the Comedy Cellar going to say? 100%. Every time. And then you take that puppy right back off because, like, I don't want to deal with it. But that's why I respect women. Women just wear what they want. Like, my gal, she dresses very adult and sexy and professional. And it looks great. She's got these cool Italian boots with a trench coat and, like, one of those hats. And I could never do it, but girls can do it. Girls can be fashionable.
That's because women are supportive. No woman takes a fashion risk and rolls into a restaurant and has her friend roll her eyes. They might do it internally, like, this bitch thinks she's hotter than me, but you're right. Or she gets up to use the bathroom, they're like,
That was a bit much. Right. But they don't do it to our face. They do it. Our guy friends do that to our face. Like, yes, I can't roll in and like a new outfit, even if it's not bad, even if it's just new. Yeah, they will make second guess it. That's so true. It's so true. What is that in men that why do we do that? We do with everything. Even you get a hair. Hey, nice haircut there, Dickless or whatever it is. You know, you just can't help it. And I'm guilty of it myself.
The only thing worse than nice haircut is got a haircut. I know. I know. Yeah. You got your, you're just, you're just telling me that I got what I know I got. That's all. It's almost like we're saying, I want you to be aware that I'm aware that you're changing things.
Yeah, you're not like, like we think we're getting one past them. Maybe my hair was getting long. Maybe it was time. Yes, people get haircuts. It's not weird. But yeah, I mean, speaking of people need to comment on it there. You're right. It's a guy thing. And Jerry, speaking of him, he hates the bomber. He's like, you kids with the bombers, like get a get a fucking sports coat, get a jacket. That ain't a jacket. That's like a windbreaker. And I'm like, ah, times have changed. You old geezer.
I don't I think a bomber can look good man but I hear him I think like, you know what, he was probably so successful when he was his our age that he was like it made sense. Also no one rocked that shit in the 80s, you know, like, he was rocking a suit like look at those old Gary Shandling clips on on Carson he's in like Armani, you know, like,
Like they were just more adult than us. We have gotten younger and we're dressing younger, too. Like our behavior is younger. Yes. Yes. I mean, think about it. I was just talking to my friend about this. My dad, I saw a photo of him when he was 31 and he's in a full business suit, black business suit in the Louisiana heat with a briefcase. And I'm like, wow, 30. I'm 37. Wow.
I'm wearing a hoodie right now. I'm wearing pajama pants. It's crazy. It's a pandemic. It's weird. Yeah, I was watching. Okay, so I was watching The Odd Couple last night. Old movie, you know, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon. And they have like a date and the women are just coming over to their apartment and they're in suits. They're not like, he doesn't have to wear a suit. He just put on the tie. They're like getting ready in a tie. I'm like, it's kind of adorable. Can you imagine?
If you, if like we had a double date come over and I was like, you know, you're cooking in the other room. I'm like putting a tie on. I'm like, hurry up, hurry up with the meatloaf, Mark. So true. That's insane. But it is adorable. It's like Sunday's best or it, yeah, there's something innocent about it, but yeah, it's just, I don't know when that faded away, maybe in the nineties, but it just doesn't fly anymore. Well, they're still trying to get laid. They just had a nicer exterior. Right.
They were still being dudes They're still like don't blow this I'm trying to bang these British broads But he's wearing He's got a little tie on It's cuter It's cute But it was almost a respectable thing Like just have some respect for yourself Like we're going into a dangerous zone With sweatpants now Sweatpants look too fashionable Yes I see guys in sweatpants everywhere And I'm like If you would have walked around In sweatpants in the 80s You'd be considered homeless Or
unemployed or, or, uh, you know, danger pervert. Yes. And now they look so normal. It's too risky. It's not healthy. It is. It's, it became uncool to try. Like, here's the thing. Like I think of someone like George Carlin who like we consider to be one of the great writers of all time. One of the great performers of all time. Imagine George Carlin going into like a Brooklyn room right now with like rehearsed material and,
Carlin's bit, they would hit harder if after he'd be like, or whatever, and he's like reading them off a sheet of paper. Yes. They don't hit when it's like, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. They're just like, look at this guy trying. Yeah, good point, good point. And we've kind of adapted that or adopted that all over society. I mean, look at an airplane. Back in the day, you put a tuxedo on, basically, to get on an airplane, and now everybody on airplanes got flip-flops on and a chihuahua. That's such a good point, and it's because we are –
we're just jaded we're not grateful flying is incredible yeah think about that flying is incredible thing but we're not we're not we're just like i'm fucking i'm wearing sweatpants and see and look security's gotten heightened in our defense like you gotta i'm not gonna put on like like what are you gonna wear like dress shoes to go through security i'm wearing like fly knits i'm wearing whatever i can slip off easiest you know what i mean but uh
Good point. But you're right. There was something about an airplane was like, man, that must have been like hot. That must have been like a hot way to like pick up a woman back in the day. She's in like, you know, a blouse. You're in a blazer. You're both on business. Yeah.
Yeah, well, I think a ticket back then was expensive, and you appreciated it. And now, I mean, flight, there's 18 airlines, there's Spirit, there's Frontier. We've really scraped the barrel here, and the ticket's $18. So it's almost like it's become more Greyhound-y, just in the sky. That's a good point. Yeah, you're not... It's not that cool to fly anymore. But I miss it. I love... I mean, look, I'm going to get back at it soon, but I liked...
My routine of flying where I can just like You know Zone out from the world Like there are very few places you can disconnect from the world We're down at airplanes and showers Yes
Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, you're right. Great point. Yeah, it's not much. And I used to be like, oh, my phone doesn't work. But now it's kind of a blessing. Yeah, I mean, I definitely panic when my phone doesn't work. I'm not going to lie. Like, we've gotten way. It's funny when you watch like a revenge movie, you watch like John Wick and you're like, oh, that's how I behave when Wi-Fi goes out for 20 minutes. You know, it's like it's embarrassing, but it's good for us, man. Like,
Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I mean just think of all the thoughts you had, I don't know, when you were 18 that were just swirling through your brain that you might not have now because you're on TikTok looking at some, you know, dad doing a dance in his kitchen It's so true, and man, Scorsese had a great point in an interview recently where he said like
movies aren't about an algorithm. You know what I mean? Like algorithms are bad because it doesn't put good shit to the top. It puts what's getting engagement to the top and engagement isn't necessarily good. Whereas this dude, you know, he puts so much work into what he does and like shit, if it was like, if this, if whatever equivalent he was in another, you know, say he was trying to break on social media, no one's going to see his shit.
They're going to see like the Transformers equivalent, right? So yes. Great, great point. I mean, you could do that with McDonald's. McDonald's is 8 million served. It's got 6 million people coming out of there every day, but it's still shit. It's McDonald's. I like McDonald's, but I like it as shit.
Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. But if we're putting top-notch restaurants, you're right, McDonald's is going to be the TikTok above it. It's going to be algorithmed above it just because it's hit more. So, yeah, that's not a good measure of quality. It's just a good measure of quantity. Yeah, yeah, I don't know, man. It's...
Algorithm, just the word upsets me for some reason I don't like that I know the word I don't like that we have to know this much You're so right People used to just be able to open their minds I have to be like, this clip, get this clip done Get this clip done, get this clip captioned You can't just disengage like you used to And still have a career I know, it's horrible Some people have done it But
I think at our level, we're not there yet But who? Name someone Well, I don't think John Mulaney, who's a great comic I don't think he's sitting around cutting up clips But he's at that level where people are cutting up clips That they like of him and putting them on If he popped He popped like Seven years ago or something It's different If he popped now, I think it would be different
Really? I do. Yeah, I think it's maybe not with like Netflix, who knows. But yeah, I think it's I mean, Mulaney's a beast. So I think no matter what, that dude is just inevitable, you know? Yeah, yeah. But well, that was another thing you heard a lot. The cream rises, the cream rises. And you're like, yeah, I know the cream rises, but I also got to you got to know that I've got cream. You know what I mean? Like, just because it's good doesn't mean you know about it.
Yeah, no, it's not. And it's another thing when people, I think another thing, people want to discover shit on their own. Like, how often do you recommend a show to someone? And they're like, yeah, yeah, I'll watch it. But they don't watch it. They want to discover the show. So true. So true. It's kind of like when you got that cunty boss, you got to let the boss think he came up with it. And then he's on board with your idea. You got to make sure he thought of it.
In a weird way It's kind of human nature But yeah, it's how people are wired Yeah, yeah It's like a blind date Like if I'm like, you gotta go out with this chick You're gonna love her, oh my god You're like, alright, easy, what's her problem? Why are you pushing her so hard? But if you had bumped into her at, you know, the Starbucks You might be into her Yeah, availability is unattractive Yeah, yeah I mean, it's speaking of Woody Allen I mean, like
You know, the Groucho Marx show. We've talked about it forever, but like the, why do we, you know, I don't want to be a member of a club that's going to have me. That's, it's so true. But in every part of your life, I think about that shit all the time. And it's, yeah. By the way, speaking of blind dates, that was going to be one of my recommendations for this week. Rewatching old clips of the show Blind Date on YouTube.
I used to love that show. Dude, it's such a good show. Yeah. The writers are fucking witty. Like whatever the captions they're putting, it's a train wreck. If you haven't seen it, it's like from the late nineties and it looks it like it looks late nineties. Yep. Yep. Horrible graphics, like weird pop-up animation, uh, man. And it was fun though. I mean, it was a slice of life. It's so good, dude. And it's,
Usually a train wreck of a date Like they get way too I'm watching them drink and I'm like They just have seven drinks on a first date Yeah they go at it That's like that is like almost like a Like that they're like this is America This is what people do in America They get this fucked up on a first date
Oh yeah, oh yeah, and you can see every time, like, you get five minutes in, you're like, they seem normal, and then 12 minutes in, you're like, she's got issues, he's a piece of shit. You start seeing, oh, this is why you're single and on a reality show, you fucking losers. But it's so, it's so fucking on the nose.
Where like, you're right Where you're like, these people are fine, they're normal And then they get a few drinks in them Like on one of them, this woman went out with this UFC fighter She's like, I like bad boys Okay, well you got set up with a bad boy He's a fucking professional fighter, he's a badass He's like 6'8", he's big And she's like mad that he doesn't drink That's the whole thing, she's like, you don't drink? So he gets fucking drunk on the day with her She's like, I'll drink And then she's like, but yeah, but you don't drink And it's like
Well, what do you want? It seems like he's doing everything. Seems like you want... It's weird when someone's an alcoholic and they're like, you're not an alcoholic too. It's like, well, guess what doesn't work? Two alcoholics.
Yes. You need a sober guy who will hold your hair back while you're vomiting. That's what you need. Yeah. So true. And he's UFC. He can carry you home. He can get you in a headlock. I mean, it's the perfect, perfect matchup. You know what is even better or not? I think blind dates better, but have you ever remember a limit date?
Oh, yeah. There was Elimidate, Blind Date, Fifth Wheel, and Next. Next was trash. I think that was MTV. MTV's trash. Horrible, horrible. Talk about algorithm dog shit. But, dude, Elimidate was like the four women or four dudes and the one, yeah, and they're trying to, so it's like by the last round, it was always like, what are you going to do? Yeah.
What are you going to do to earn this spot? And it was like one of them would take their shirt off The other one would be making out with them You're like, this would not fly now And I fucking love it It's so fun, and that was normal TV That was on basic cable or primetime And I think Singled Out might have been the gateway drug Or what do you call it? The epicenter, the beginning? What do you call that? When the first one that starts it all
The, the, the, uh, groundbreaker. I don't know. Yeah. But you're looking, you're looking for a negative term. Uh, just a term. It was the precedent precipice. I don't know. Ah, what about, so were you Jenny McCarthy or Carmen Electra? I, well, I watched both cause I was into both of them, but I think Carmen Electra's got a better face. Yeah.
But I hate Jenny McCarthy. I don't like when we call her funny. I'm like, no, she's wacky. She's loud and goofy, but she's not funny. She's got nothing. She's got no zingers. You would have to if you dated her, you'd have to pull. She'd be on like, oh, oh, God, I know it'd be a nightmare. Yeah. Like, look, you're beautiful. You got a hell of a bod. But I haven't heard one clever quip. You're just farting.
It's a lot of it was a lot of like, I'm hot and I farted. It was a lot like, yes, it was a lot of like, I made a weird face. And you're like, fucking Jim Carrey. Holy shit. This is incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And by the way, Chris Hardwick, what a dream gig. You get to stand there, read a couple cue cards and talk shit and get away with it. He's smarmy. He's sarcastic. He was just being a cock to everybody. And it was great. Yeah, that was a good MTV had a minute, man. It's so funny how MTV just like collapsed. It's like Viacom Viacom was just like, we're not going to adapt. So MTV like.
I mean, it's crazy to think how big MTV was. They could break you. They could make your career. Like, we got it on MTV. You're in. But it's all just the internet now. It's so funny how it's like MTV. What was the last big thing? Catfish or like Jersey Shore? Catfish. Those were both huge, I think.
But it's fucking, it's kind of done. Yeah, MTV's over. But you know what was crazy about, what's it called? Singled Out was, you know, they'd be like, blonder brunette, and the guy would go blonde. So they'd be like, all right, all you brunettes got to get out of here. And then one of them, when the lady was in the chair, would go, big dick or little dick? And she'd go, get rid of those little dicks. And a bunch of dudes just walked away. You're like, wow, you're on TV just saying, I got a little dick, and I'm getting kicked out.
I was like 13 with a tiny dick going, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. This is your TV moment. It's a nightmare. That's fucking, that's hilarious. Women will fucking do shit with like no body shaming and then fucking that around the corner. Body shaming is disgusting. Big is beautiful. And you're like, all right, well apparently only on, on your side, you know what I mean? Like totally. I mean, Chris Christie jokes are still flying.
It is a hilarious And they'll say women are more judged for their body Which look, they are It's true, it's completely true But it is hilarious where you're like Chris Christie is like Really fucking fat You're making fun of a dude who
I don't know how he survived COVID. Like that's a, that's like a tough that we were like, you got COVID and you're like, ah, I'm sorry, dude, this, this might be it. Yeah. You're a goner. That's so true. And look, women are judged by their looks and all that, but let's not act like it's only men judging men do judgment, but so do women. I mean, I'm at a party with my lady and this beautiful girl walks in and I'm like, who's that? And my girl's like, I don't know, but I hate her. Like you never met her.
And then if a dumpy chick walks in, she's like, something about her I like. Like, you don't know her either. But don't you, if a dude walked into a party and he's, like, jacked in a tank top, isn't there a party that's like, develop a fucking personality? Ah, completely, completely. So I do get when women are like, she's a skank, I'm kind of like, yeah, I get it. I definitely have, like, if a dude rolls in like that, I'm just kind of like, nothing cooler to me than finding out a guy is low-key ripped.
Oh, yeah, that is a good movie Like our buddy Doug Key Ripped But he doesn't show it off at all He's like a dude that you only find out he's ripped Because you like, you know Went to a swimming pool with him And you're like, oh shit, that guy's jacked Yeah, yeah, he could have posted 8 million photos and he never did Yeah, there's something I mean, like, look But also, if you're a comic That's the thing Don't you want to lead with your personality?
Of course, of course, you'd think, I mean, for most of us, that's all you got Yeah, I got, let me see what I got for, can I give you a pet peeve? Oh, please Do you have any? My favorite part of the show This has become my favorite part of the show, too, the pet peeves So, here's one that's for me, is, and I don't mean to be insensitive, if you're an addict, I think it's great that you're working on shit, I really do Here comes the butt Can't wait
The addict making amends and how it's still all about you. Okay. So I got a call. He's a friend of mine. I still like the guy. I really do. But I got a call. He texts me first. He goes, I need to call you this week. You know, I was, I was a really bad drunk and I'm sober now. And I'd like to talk to you about it. And I said,
I don't think you were that bad, honestly. I really, I didn't, like, I'm thinking about him at his worst and I'm like, a lot of laughing, a lot of high-fiving, a lot of good times. And he goes, I was a really, really bad drunk. And I said, again, I don't think you were. I said, I think you were a pretty good drunk. And he goes, just trust me, I was bad. So he calls me. I said, all right, let's talk.
And he's like, all that shit I said about you, you know, starting out as a comic when I was like, ah, he doesn't have it, all that. And I'm like, well, this is all news to me. Wow. So it's one of those where I'm like, okay, well, I'm glad you cleared your conscience. You ruined my day.
Yeah, right? Jesus Now I need another one later about this Well, the addict mentality It's very good that you're getting sober But let's also, people that are supportive of you Let's fucking be nice to them too I'm supporting you, dude Yeah, yeah, wow That is wild I know who this is, I think No, no, no, you don't Not a comic Wow And I will say this, he's a good guy He meant well
But I told him, hey, I don't want to hear it. I like you. I accept you. That's kind of what I said to him. I'm good with it. And for the record, he said, like, I took advantage of you. And I said, I don't think I don't feel that you took advantage of me. I would tell you. Like, I'm pretty honest about that.
I gotta give kudos to you Because I think a lot of people Would get that kind of shit And run with it And milk it And they're like Oh yeah Keep it coming baby But you're like No no You're fine And you could've made that A whole bigger thing And made it about you But you You pushed on I think that's That's noble Well it's not about me It's his fucking problem Is the thing So I mean When someone gets sober I give you a lot of credit Because that's not easy And that's a whole And that's a whole thing Like
You've changed your life around, you know And hey, there's a drinking show But there's a show we respect sober people too Sure Because that ain't easy Can't do it myself No, I don't think I could ever do it I like alcohol too much I don't think I could ever become a full-on alcoholic Because I enjoy drinking too much Exactly, you don't want to abuse it Because you don't want to lose it I just love it It's funny, you ever just have a bad day And you have a couple drinks And you're like, this is the perfect short-term solution
Yes. Like, I feel good again. Right. You just take the edge off. That's it. I don't need to get hammered. I just want to like, I just want to relax. We talk about like beer goggles, how you like see a woman is hot, but you ever get like friend goggles? Oh, dude, that's what a drinking buddy is. You got your guy. You can barely stand the guy. And then you have a couple of cocktails. You're like, oh, buddy, get in here. You get my noogie. I love you, man.
And then you're like this next day sober trying to think of one positive characteristic and you're like, can't do it. Can't do it. That's a bit. Friend goggles is great. Friend goggles. Maybe that's a bit. Give me a peeve. I would go as far. I think some people have relationship goggles. I knew guys in high school who would just get shit face with their girlfriend. And after the booze wore off, they just start fighting again. That's tough. But that's a lot of young couples too. It's like you see like, fuck man.
So often though, those young people That's why so many hot divorce chicks in their 30s and 40s Where you're like, alright, well good I'm glad he fucked up Because now these dating apps are going to be fun again You know? And these women are fresh on the rebound They've got a low bar because they're with a fucking douchebag So all you have to do is show up and be decent And they're like, oh my god, who are you? Oh, nothing better than a woman Who's been treated horribly For us Yeah
That was a good save. Comparison-wise, yeah. All right. I got two, one little one and one big one. Yeah. I'll go little, and stop me if I brought this up before, because it just kills me every single time, and I had it today. I'm on the flight. You know, it's an early flight. It's like 10 a.m. or whatever the hell it is.
I got the guy next to me, window shade open, sun beaming, beaming, and he's sleeping in the sunshine. And I'm like, I got sunglasses on. I got the safety lecture laminated thing up the glasses to try to block it.
How's the fucking show? Do you sleep at home with a desk lamp in your eye? Like, it's insane. It's so much light. It's unacceptable. I think that it's a morning on a morning flight. That's a fucking dick move. It's undeniable. Undeniable dick move.
It's undeniable. But I don't think he was trying to be a dick because I'm such a cunt. I sat down before the guy next to me. I was in the aisle and I went and I reached over and lowered it because I was like, it's 10 in the morning. Sun's coming in. And then he came in. I got up. He got in his window seat. He was like, oh, and he looked out. He's allowed to look out the window. He's got the window seat. But once you start snoozing.
Close it, baby. Oh, that's it's careless. It's just not a thoughtful move. And I try to be a good passenger to people. I think it's important. Like, like, you know, we're all in this together on a flight. Like, yes, you got to be good to your neighbor. Like, come on. Yes. So that drives me fucking nuts, man. I I'm also a big sleeper on morning flights or not even a sleeper, but like a rester.
Yes, completely. Do you bring a sleeping mask for the flights or no? I used to, but I had it either in packed in the bag, the bags tucked away in the overhead, or I forgot it, but I was just like, ah, so here's what I did. He starts conking out, and I just reached right over and put that puppy down. And do you say anything? He woke up later and was like, what the hell? And I was like, ah, it must have fallen. You know, these old planes. You never know. That is...
But you know what? That's, I think, fair. I think if you even explain to him, like, hey, you were asleep. I was trying to sleep. I don't want to invade your space. You're in the fucking right, dude. Yeah, you're probably right. If I had said that, it probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal. But some people get weird about, hey, this is my space. You don't want the window shit. Then you should have sat by the window and been in control. Whatever it is. But yeah, I'm with you. Some people fight for that armrest, too, when you're like, hey, man, I'm too old to fight you.
But let's fucking be reasonable here. I don't like, I also don't like when you're with someone who's like huge in the seat next to you. So they just think they're entitled to, I'm like, Hey man, I'm six three. I can't like, you don't get to just squash me. I'm not a fucking, I'm not a fucking dwarf here. I need some space. Sometimes they come into your area and I just try to like put a, I try to put something there to make a divider.
Oh, nice. Well, here's my thing about weight. And this is where we'll piss off the junkies out there. But I look at fat people almost like smokers. Like, yeah, you're allowed to do whatever you want, but now you're fat or I'm getting secondhand fat now. Yeah. You know, because you're bringing that fat into my world. So just because you're huge, now I got to suffer? Yeah.
Most of them are pretty cool though I do think it's an occasional thing But I agree If you're going to come into my area I get to use you as a pillow That's how I see it If we're dipping into each other's world I'm fucking leaning on you I've had the muscle bound dude The muscle bound dude is worse than the fat dude The muscle bound dude is not even soft Right he's a rock It's like trying to sleep on a fucking brick I'll take the pillow over the brick
Give me the pillow any day. Louis Katz used to have this great joke. He's like, I love fat chicks. I love fat chicks. It's all their whole body is just tits. I used to love that joke. Uh, but yeah, I'm with you. Uh, if, if the guy's fat, I'm guessing that bits it better with dudes in the crowd than women. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Remember, remember complimenting him? Oh no. Louis is fucking funny, man. I remember we, uh,
Remember that show at CB's when I told this story. So you and me were young comics and CB's in the back. And, you know, we're just like young guys drinking in the back.
Whispering like you know Shooting the shit gossipy and I remember Wayne Rader you know running the club In the back he would just turn to us and go During the show shut up Shut the fuck up And we would just be like ah I'm so sorry shots Shots for everybody and it was like this abusive Yes he was kind of Bipolary and he would snap and then apologize And then he like yeah that was a weird time He'd drag us in and like put his arm around Both of us and we'd all shoot shots we were just like Kids we were like what are we doing
I know, I know Oh yeah, we were just 24, 25 Just there for the alcohol Yeah, the place was the size of a postage stamp And I bombed every time I was there Awful What else were we doing? Remember when you fucking Another great one is when you were dealing with some hecklers Heckling every comic on the show And this guy wouldn't stop heckling you And you like put him down enough ways But it got to a point where you're like Alright dude, like what do you want? And Luis Gomez Yeah
in his fucking face and was like, you got a fucking problem, dude? Yeah. And the guy just looks up like, what? And goes, you and me outside. I was like, is this fucking happening? I watched Lewis drag this dude outside in front of his girlfriend and just yell, pussy! And the guy's like, ah! And he just keeps yelling, pussy! Fuck!
He's like, fight me in front of his date. And I'm just like, I am so glad this guy is on our side. Right, right. I know, Jesus. He's not even angry. He just wants to fight somebody. He also was like, he had that thing where he's like, you fucked with my boy. Like, you don't fuck with my boy. So I was like, dude, I'm grateful to Lewis. That's hilarious. Yeah, much respect. I still think about that. I appreciate that. Now, here's a CB's...
debacle I got into and let me hear your angle because I got yelled at for this but I didn't think I was wrong. Okay. It's kind of a Curb Your Enthusiasm moment. So every night at CB's you performed you got a free meal. That was like a big perk of the gig. That was, I mean, Wayne who would underpay us would be like he would like pocket the money that he was getting that he would take from us and then he would be like but you need to try the chicken Milanese it has a champagne vinaigrette it's one of the finest. Yes.
And we're eating dollar slices. We're eating McDonald's. So we're like, oh, my God, a ribeye or whatever it was. I took a girl there on New Year's because of the free meal. I accepted. I accepted. No, we got he fed her on New Year's. It was a big deal. But it was like that was a big deal. I'm like free meal. Yeah. All right. So.
I had, I would, something happened where I went to some show and I got a bunch of free food. So then I go to CB's to do a spot and they're like, you want a meal? I was like, no, I'm okay. I'll get it later. And they go, oh yeah, well just let us know when you want the meal. So I do a spot. It's fun. I leave. Two nights later, I come down and I go, hey, let me get that, uh,
Chicken paprikash And they were like, oh, you're not on tonight I was like, I know I was on two nights ago, but I never got my meal And they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa You only perform You only get a meal when you perform And I was like, I did perform, and I never got the meal And now I'd like the meal And they were like, no, that's crazy And I'm like, I performed The transaction is still the same There's just a little bit of time in between Well, here's the argument for both sides The argument for your side is
If you perform that night and you didn't collect your money, you still get to come back and get your money. But maybe the meal is only on the table for that one night. Yeah. The meal is almost like, you know, it's like the argument is like, all right, some of these clubs let us drink for free, right? Do you drink for free on nights you're not performing? That's the question.
Right. Some clubs will say yes if you work there enough. Others won't. So that's I think the food beverage thing is different from the money. But if we're talking just purely money, you are in the right. OK, interesting. See, drinks is a little gray because it's multiple drinks. It's a vague amount of drink. But a meal is a meal. One meal. I don't know. So we got into it and I never got the meal.
Yeah, I mean, if it was my place, I'd be like, yeah, have the meal. But I also get...
I get where they're coming. Here's their argument. Yeah. So some comic had to leave. What are we feeding like 10 comics who didn't have the meal now? Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm just a literal guy. I see performing. You get a meal. If I come back in 19 years, I still expect a meal. 19 years is a bit steep. It's probably a different restaurant. Yeah.
That's true. It's true. The city shut down. I think it is a gray area. I don't think there's... I don't think you're right, but I don't think you're wrong. I think, like... All right. I hear you, and I think you have a valid point, but I get where... I do get where they're coming from, and they're like, all right, well, you didn't take the meal. What do we, like... We owe you for life now? Is there...
How long does this free meal really last in your mind? That's the question. I should have gotten it in writing. Just a bar napkin. Hey, Wayne, you owe me one meal. You got it. You know, like in Dumb and Dumber. $350,000. I would hold on to that one. What about... It was hilarious how he pocketed money. Because he was the most charming guy. I really did enjoy him. That was the funny thing. He knew how to fucking compliment you. He knew how to make you feel good.
Yeah, and we were so bankrupt of compliments or any success or anything. So any little compliment or nicety went a long way back then. We're like, this guy managed Patrice O'Neal.
Yeah, yeah So like he knows talent, he managed Patrice You know And he had great taste, it was like All the big guys there were guys It was like Vecchione and Big J and Soder And Nate Bergazzi And I was like, man, this guy knows comedy Yeah, I mean, Greer Barnes would work there It was all funny people He did have good, Adrian Ipollucci He repped, who's a brilliant joke writer Check out her new album Baby Skeleton, she's
Some of the best Dude, she might have my favorite joke Of like the last few years Where Oh really? She said my boyfriend threatened to kill himself And I was like great Now I can't kill myself Or people are going to think we were in love Ah, that is genius level joke right there That's like fucking That, you're cramming I love jokes that cram so much into one line Yes, yes That's got, that joke's got depth
Check out her album She also did a Degenerates on Netflix A half hour thing or 20 minutes on Netflix And it's so dark I don't know if I'm allowed to say this But they had to cut one of her jokes So get the album so you can hear all of it Yeah, I mean she really is Uh
unapologetic. I know people like use terms like that in comedy, but like she earned it. She's earned it. A lot, a lot of people like you see the hacky bullshit with like the caution tape over your mouth and the headshot, but like, she's an edgy comic. Well, like that's who she is. Like I've spent time with her. She's my friend. Like she really is dark and, but she's a good person. Like I love people like that who are like their,
Their minds are dark, their jokes are dark, but you hang out with them and you're like, you're a good human being. She rules, man. Yeah. I tend to believe that a lot of the people who say the craziest shit on stage tend to be the nicest offstage and flip that, too. Look at Cosby, you know? Yeah. If you're getting it out on stage in a comedic way or in an outlet that's silly, hey, we're on stage, we're doing crazy shit up here. It's almost healthier than doing it in real life.
That's a good point. It's almost it's not just comedy. It's almost like anything where you're like, I'm the sweet guy. Yeah, like, I'm the sweet guy in the show. I'm this. I'm the musician who's abstinent, you know, but then you're like, then you're like, oh, this dude's into like fucking femdom getting pegged and like fucking, you know, banging kids and shit. And you're just like, yeah. Oh, because he was hiding so much that he just had this dark side.
So I guess if you're like getting, there was this famous quote, I think it's Gustave Flaubert said, be violent in your art so you can be ordinary in your life.
And that's kind of a cool way to live, I think, where you're like, all right, I'm getting it out. You know what I mean? Yes, yes, yes. I don't think Wes Craven is killing people. You know, he nails it in the art. Although John Carpenter went on a spree in the 80s. That was fucking... But hey, look at Matt Lauer. The guy's sunshine and lollipops at 7 a.m. That's not healthy.
Yeah. But then at the same time, like, you know, like I think like Jimmy Fallon is that dude. I really do. Like, I, I think he is that, I think he's like, you know, a,
A nice... I think he is that nice, upbeat guy, for real. Yeah, he's definitely a nice guy, but he likes the sauce. Yeah, he's a drinker. But he's old... That's how you cut it. But Fallon is an old-school entertainer. Like, he is like a... I'm gonna sing and shit, I'm gonna dance and shit, and I'm gonna fucking get lit up on booze. Like, that's how I... Yeah. He's almost like a Dean Martin type of dude. Right. Where you're like...
I mean, yeah, I think that's cool too. I mean, you know, I go, look, I don't watch any late night. I'm not going to, I mean, who watches late night anymore? I don't know. I think Fallon's wife and that's about it, but no, I'm with you. It's, it's, it's kind of a dying art and especially the pandemic really was almost the nail in the coffin for it. So yeah, it, it's, it's tough, but,
You know, I respect it. I mean, we did a million late night sets, and it's fun going to 30 Rock. It's fun putting a suit on. So fun. We talked about the suit. The suit is only appropriate for, like, you didn't wear a suit on the Conan, but you wore a suit on, like, Fallon, Colbert. Yeah. Do you wear it? Those are the only two? That's it. Yeah, yeah. There's something about that Ed Sullivan theater. There's something about the 30 Rock. It just feels old school. It feels suity. It feels a little more high end. And they always. Conan, you got, yeah.
They always throw in, they'd appreciate it if you wore a suit. Yes, yes, exactly. And look, I hum and haw, and I go, oh, these fucking suits. But I enjoy it, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, it looks good, man. It's cool to have one picture of us wearing a fucking tailored piece of clothing. Yes, it's rare, but it's nice. You know what's the best?
Is you get a shot of us at Jola's wedding or something. We're all getting hammered in suits. That is my favorite photo. We look cool in suits. And we're like, fuck, we would have been like cool businessmen. Yeah, I know. A couple of madmen doing ad sales or some shit. Fuck. Madmen, dude.
That would be my dream if I didn't do comedy Just because it's creative still You're being creative but you still get to get fucked up It's close to comedy, weirdly It really is, yeah And it involves pleasing people and all that But it's still a little too much responsibility But let me give you my big pet peeve Please And this is an epidemic all over the world So I'm going to say this And people listening are going to go Shit, I feel seen Or whatever the kids are saying
But people are saying the word like too much. It's a problem. I was eating like buffalo wings the other day and they were like so hot. No, you were eating buffalo wings. You weren't eating like buffalo wings. Drives me nuts. Sometimes you'll get three or four into a sentence and it's so unnecessary. And...
It hurts language. There's adjectives that can really spice up a sentence. And you're saying this is like another word. It's like this or it's like that. Just say what it's like or what it is. I love it. It's not just like or whatever. It's like. So, OK, cool story. I got to send this to you. My history teacher in sixth grade was a slam poet and he was fucking hilarious. Like one of the one of the funniest people. His name's Taylor Mollie.
uh, T a, how you spell Taylor? And then M a, uh, L I really talented dude. He does slam poetry, but it's fucking like, it's written like standup. It's like Carlin S type of like wordplay. Yeah. And he has a bit called like, I think the one that's really popular is called or like whatever. Well, he, well, he mocks people who go, uh,
I miss people having confidence in what they're saying. So that's the whole thing. He's mocking. And I totally agree because what happened to that? Like people used to. So he said his closing line of this rant is he goes, it's not enough to question authority. You need to speak with it as well. Ooh.
He's very interesting. He's very cool. So he was a great teacher, and he's also just an interesting guy. But I remember seeing that and being like, we didn't know he was this kind of... Most Def is bringing him on stage in these things. We didn't know this. And he's like, I love this guy. It's hilarious. Wow. Yeah, he was a cool guy. So anyway, yeah, I'm with you, man. Like...
It's in the vernacular now. It's part of the culture. And you got whatever. I would throw in you know. You know is a big one. I'm guilty of it. No, you're watching something. Come on. Yeah, I'm guilty of it, especially when I'm hungover. Here's what I'll do a lot. This is what I do. I go, fucking...
Yeah Fucking is the alcoholic version of you know Yeah You just gotta watch it around mom you know See I just did it But yeah you gotta watch it around the folks with the fucking But I talk to older people And it's kind of refreshing Because they're not going So I was eating these like cereal You were eating cereal there was no like I have a neighbor who will do one He does this he always goes He sees me in the hallway and he goes Hey have a good night huh
I think the huh is kind of weird. It's like, huh? Like, why can't you just say have a good night? Yeah, yeah. Colin Quinn's got that great joke where they answer the question for you. He's like, it's a pretty good day, right? I don't know. Yeah. How's your day going? Good? That was it. How's your day going? Good? Well, let me say how it's going. Don't answer it.
Yeah, we've gotten lazy in language I mean, that's what it is We're just very lazy in how we speak And people speaking confidently is refreshing It's refreshing And people speaking with just the right amount of good words And not kind of prolonging it Because they can't think of good adjectives It's so nice A storyteller who can't wrap it up
Someone who just takes just a greedy What if I did this for like five minutes Someone who's just greedy with their language Someone who's greedy with their language And like whatever Yep yep Someone who's greedy with their language And can't wrap it up Like use your word economy Use your fucking Also you'd think attention spans are getting shorter and shorter So you'd think we'd be quicker with the shit Getting it out But it feels almost like we're taking longer
We are taking longer. Yeah, our attention spans have gotten shorter, but our stories have gotten longer because we're getting dumber. Hey, now that was a good sentence. You got it all in tightly. That was perfect. Attention spans are getting shorter. Stories are getting longer. We're getting dumber. Boom. There is something about that where when you're with someone who can tell a story, it feels so good. When you just, you're like, oh, you, I can be around you.
Yeah, yeah, that's one great thing about hanging with comics is you can tell they've told the story a few times It's got the beats, it's got the ending, it comes together, it grips you in the beginning Nothing worse than the guy who's got the story with no punch I love a workshop story, some people are like, you've clearly told this to a bunch of people Like, what are you working on? I'm like, give me the worked on story Yes, I want the hits, play the hits
I don't want your new stuff on the story front. Yeah, I don't want to see fucking Journey work out new material. Yeah. Play Don't Stop Believin' and get off the shave, all right? Yeah, I don't want to... Don't stop, like, believing in things. Whatever, you know. Ha ha ha!
Come on I got another good I don't know if I complained about this pet peeve last week as well But did I say this? The people that bail on plans but then text you Where are you? I'm meeting you right now Did I give you that one last week? No, what do you mean? Well, people were like, alright, tomorrow night I'll come over You're like, yeah, sounds good, come over tomorrow night And then they're just like, they don't come But then they're like, two days, they text you Where are you? I'm meeting you right now And you're like, wait, what?
Oh yeah I don't like that That makes me feel suffocated Like they think hey I blew off this one But I'm making it up now And you think hey you're making it up for you I'm not ready you never checked in on me Well that's the tough thing about us Is that like our dates are on websites and shit So our friends Like we can't blow them off They could find us
Yeah, yeah, true, true. Ah, that is tough. But sometimes you're just not up for a Zoom, but you can't really bail on a Zoom. Tough to bail on a Zoom. Also tough to be late on a Zoom. Yeah, not a fan of that. If you're not there on the dot, you're kind of a dick. Yeah, at least send a text. Like, hey, I'm running home. I'll be there in two minutes, something. Something. But yeah, just the straight up late is tough on a Zoom. Oh, this is one. This is a good drinking one. People who don't accept...
That you won't take a shot with them Oh, that's a nightmare I'm in my 30s here Come on, I got a cocktail already You want me to have liquor on top of liquor? It's like, hey man, whatever, okay? Yeah No, I'm fucking around No, but people that don't expect They don't accept it And you say, hey, I'm already doing a drink I'm a sipper, I'm a fucking adult Adults sip, children shoot, okay? You want to be a kid or do you want to be an adult? Choose a path and stick with it
And this assumption that I want that. Dude, I bought you a shot. What the fuck? Yeah, but you didn't even ask me. What if I just bought you a dress? You gonna put that on? There's no... You didn't even ask me what I wanted. I'll do the shot if you put the dress on. How about that? There we go. Yeah. You put on a blouse, I'll shoot Southern Comfort with you. Deal? Yeah. What do you got on recommendation? What do I have? I...
The Blind Date was one I gotta say man I rewatched I watched I've never seen the movie The Odd Couple I've read the play But I've never seen the movie And our boy Salacuse Gave me a ton of shit for it So last night I figured You know what Let me late night watch this It's terrific It's Walter Matthau Jack Lemmon Amazing writing I mean What I love about it It's on Amazon by the way If you want to stream it Okay But
What I love about it is like, it's two guys who are down on their luck who just fucking bond. It starts in a kind of a dark place for Jack Lemmon, who is going to kill himself. So he checks into a hotel to kill himself, but his wife leaves him. He tries to open the window and he pulls his back out so he doesn't do it. So already, like you've combined dark and comic. So I love that.
Love it. He shows up after taking pills to the card game that Walter Matthau, and he lives in like an eight bedroom on Central Park West, which is fucking amazing. He's like, I don't want to be alone. You're like, you fucking asshole. I love this. Playing his card game. He lives in an eight bedroom, but he's making all his friends like fucking ham sandwiches and like- Cigars. A refrigerator that doesn't work.
So they're drinking warm beer. So Jack Lemmon comes by and they're like, he's going to kill himself. We're scared he's going to kill himself. He tells them he takes a whole bottle of pills. They call an ambulance. He goes, whoa, whoa, don't call an ambulance. He didn't say what kind of pills. It could have been vitamins. He could be the healthiest one of all of us. Great one-liners like that. It's a great movie. I loved it.
I mean, it's a classic so much. It's a Neil Simon, right? Yeah. Yeah. So it's this huge play, then a movie, and then it was a show for like eight years. So yeah. And I think they've remade it since then. I mean, every show is the odd couple. And that's what I was going to say. Every show, it's a prototype for all these other shows. So that's when you know something's a real staple, when they just keep remaking it.
Yeah, I mean, Peep Show is one of my all-time favorite shows, too. It's on Amazon, and it's basically The Odd Couple. It's like a nerdy history buff who works in a county and a guy who wishes he was a musician. If you haven't seen that show, fucking watch it. People keep recommending that to me, and I gotta watch it. It might be...
It's probably top five comedies for me For TV shows, I would say, yeah Wow, okay I'm such a xenophobe I'm like, accents blow me Oh, dude, it's You might not laugh harder at a show ever It's like Wow It takes a minute But it's like nine seasons But there's six episodes per season And they're all killer
All right, all right, I'll check it out By the way, speaking of odd couples It's another 48 hours, rush hour Those are all basically just odd couples Yes The straight edge meets the wild card Black guy, Asian guy Trading places Yes, odd couple Beverly Hills Cop kind of midnight run Yes Just odd couple in a police setting That's all it is
Two dudes who just don't get along Yeah, you're right It's the prototype There you go, alright, good rec I saw that when I was younger, but I gotta re-watch it I used to love the show Never watch the show Good call And plus, those Simon, Lemon, Matthau You can't go wrong They're so good If you haven't seen another great Lemon movie Everyone, I'm sure, has seen this But The Apartment is like Fucking Fred McMurray, Jack Lemmon Perfect, brilliant movie
Great movie. All right, here's my record. This is a weird one. I don't know if you caught it yet, but I'm going to say the first half of the Patrice doc is lights out. It's about an hour long, but the first half, I was tearing up. It's so good. What do you watch it? Well, you know me. I got my shady little deal there with the television set. I'm not going to get into it because I got in trouble, but I watched it on that, and it
It is, they have so much footage of him starting out. He's this fat, big guy in Boston and he's a nobody and he's got notes on stage and his ideas are brilliant.
Even though it's new and he's working it out and he's green, you're like, oh, you got the best. You got a great head for comedy. You got a great mind. And just seeing him move to New York and he's humble in the beginning. He's not a cunty dick like he is, you know, regular time. And there's one point where Keith Robinson goes, I showed Patrice Boston Comedy Club and it was a tell. It was Chappelle. It was Louie. It was all these killers, Kevin Brennan. And he goes, yeah.
I can't go on. I'm not ready yet. And he had to leave and go try to get better and then come back. So just all that cool stuff. And it made you see comedy for how we used to see it. Because now comedy has gotten so oversaturated and these horrific Netflix specials and who's got heat and who's the it guy or the it gal. And it was just funny for funny sake. Who had the best bid? Who had the good observation? Who had the best takes? Yeah.
And it brought me back and it was beautiful That is so cool I gotta watch it, I'll watch it tonight The idea of striving for greatness Is what Patrice was doing If you haven't seen Elephant in the Room I think it's one of the best hour specials of all time Amazing He was so good He does a thing that I love Where he would bait you with a provocative set up
And still surprise you I mean, he So I mean, the kidnapped white girl bit I mean, like Every bit The bit about the dogs You know I mean, like, yeah He really just fucking ruled And I won't even try to retell his bits Because no one tells him like him But Right, right Yeah, I gotta watch it
But so much has changed. We're like, now I'll be writing a joke about a black guy and I'll just make him a Jew in the joke because I'm like, I don't want to deal with the groans or the. So I end up trashing Jews at half my act because I'm like, well, this was about a Puerto Rican or an Indian and everybody's fine with you. And you just know I'll come to your fucking rescue if shit goes bad. Is that what it is?
I just know, because I guess you guys are doing so well that people are, ah, they can take a joke. They're strong. No, I don't think so. I mean, like, there was a whole thing about, you know, Che got shit you were talking about last week. Oh, that's true. So I started looking into it, and of course it's fucking ludicrous. Of course it's like an inoffensive joke that our buddy Che told, who's so fucking, like... It was so innocuous. I watched it over and over. So innocuous, and so just silly, and like...
Che is such a fucking sweetheart. It's so weird that people... And he's also a fucking brilliant comic. I mean, he really is. Great comic. He's one of the funniest people. You know, I know... I think it's a great sign that a week ago, the right hated him, or the left hated him, and then a week later, the right hates him. That's what you should be doing as a comic. You should just be pushing buttons all over the place. Not biased. It's a good point. I mean, like, Bill Maher is constantly in shit, and...
I like a lot of what he says, man. I love it. I mean, I'll say this about Bill Maher too. Love him or hate him. There is not a human being who has more, a more diverse group of guests in terms of their views. I don't think, I don't think anyone on TV, like MSNBC has their mission where they're like, everything's going to be this.
Fox news has their mission where everything's going to be this. And Bill Maher's like, yeah, he, he leans liberal for sure, but he pisses off liberal more than anybody liberals more than anybody. And I know, and he has, I mean, he had, I think people were pissy and Megan Kelly on, I was like, I listened to their talk. I thought it was pretty reasonable. So I agree. I think a lot of outrage, outrage is like currency now outrages, you know? And I, I think Bill Maher,
I think his show is great. I really do. It's not only great, and I must sound like a pretentious cunt, but it's important. Because if we don't have... They give him shit for having Megyn Kelly on, but don't you want to hear? If she's the enemy, why would you want to get the ammo? Let's hear what the enemy has to say, or whatever it is. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. Closed-minded. Where...
Yeah, I think more shows need to kind of have less of an agenda and more of a show. Because I think you learn more about not just that, but about yourself, where you're like, oh, this is actually like a more... I hate using the word safe, but like...
If you have a conservative on MSNBC, they're only having that person on to like sell the talking points that they want to sell. Those are like pre-approved questions, right? Same goes for Fox News. If you have like the Fox News liberals. So it's like when this is HBO, which obviously is a fucking liberal, you know, network. I mean, look at what they're making. But.
I mean, Bill Maher kind of has the guests that he wants, so it's kind of cool. I think it's kind of cool that that show exists. I completely agree. I see people trying to drag him on social media, and I think it's, you know...
It's unfair and it's wrong. I mean, let the guy do his thing and you're still watching. I hate these people like, oh, well, can you believe you had this guest? I got to see what he's got to say. Well, then you can't shit on it if you're going to watch it. I also think it's kind of interesting. Like he had Milo Yiannopoulos on when Milo had all that heat. And like, guess what, man? Sometimes you have those guests on and they fizzle out and that dude like he fizzled out.
You know, like should have make an ass people. People are like to give this person a platform. I think well, I think sometimes exposing people is not having much to back up, you know, their ideology. If you have them on, it is kind of good. I think it's kind of nice to, you know, let them hang themselves. I'm a little buzzed right now, so I'm not as articulate as I was an hour ago. But no, I completely agree. It's almost like when you get heckled and you kind of just pause and let the guy go.
bury his own dig his own grave and you barely have to do anything it's the same thing i'm not i'm not welcoming hecklers i'm not approving of it i'm just letting the guy hang himself with his own rope that's a good point isn't it great when you just have to repeat what they say and keep teeing it up and then you just forget that one hit and you're like i'm out yeah nothing better than when they say a line back to you and it gets nothing and you go it's not that easy isn't it
Yeah, you're not that funny. I've been killing for 45 minutes. You can't even get one line out, you fucking coos. Coos is a good one. Do you have any bits you're working on? Oh, yeah, I got a couple. Yeah, I had a fun, productive weekend. Let me see. Here we go. This one's all over the road, but maybe you can put it together. I got the same one, so we'll help each other. So...
Everybody always says, oh, men, they don't like an opinionated woman. Men hate an opinionated woman. I'm like, I completely disagree. There's nothing worse than a woman with no opinion. Where should we eat? I don't know. What kind of food do you like? I don't care. Whatever you like. And you're like, give me an opinion. And then the joke is, even if a woman's like, hey, is it just me or do Chinese people smell different? I'm like, you're a keeper. That...
It's such a crazy opinion I'm like this is interesting At least we can bounce ideas off of each other I want an opinion There's nothing worse to me than no opinion Maybe the angle is that like an opinion's good When the opinion goes to Maybe I think it's funnier if like She's got good opinions at first And that's the third And where you're like alright never mind You want opinions to a degree
Aha, yeah, they still have to be good opinions I remember when I Bookfellas sucks, you're like, wait, what? Exactly, like, opinions, good But you want the opinions to line up At some point where you're like She's like, fuck, like, feminist That's opinionated, I love an opinion But then what if it turns into like Feminist where you're like, alright, I think women deserve equal rights Of course, I think men are fucking trash Like, alright, calm down a second Right And then they go, oh, you don't like an opinion of a woman No, I just don't like that opinion
Yeah, maybe there's nothing No, no, hold on, there is something here Okay An opinionated woman I like an opinionated woman To a point? To a point, I think It depends on the opinion, I guess Yeah, hey, if your opinions aren't awful...
You think I want to go out with a boar? I'd rather an opinion But then maybe the angle of the turn is I'll take even horrible opinions though Over no opinions Because at least horrible At least horrible opinions I'm engaged Yes, that's kind of what I was trying to get at With the Chinese spelling So maybe before you go She says nothing, you're just like Alright, I don't know what to say And then she does that and you go You're a fucking idiot And you're like, well at least I'm getting a reaction with this Yeah
Yeah, yeah, exactly. You have some thoughts here. Yeah. When you go out with someone and they keep saying dumb shit where you're like, yeah, well, at least you're moving things forward. Right. Here's what I like. Here's why I like strong opinions. I know I can get out sooner. If you're giving me no opinions, I'm dating this girl for three months until she finally says something stupid. I'm like, fuck, I could have left three months ago if you'd only opened your mouth.
Interesting, yeah I get to know you more Even if it's horrible, at least I know what I'm dealing with Yes That's good, that's good I think strong opinions on a first date are great Great Because I know who you are Right, right Even if it's bad, I still want to know
It's almost like when My friend of mine, he's a black guy Everybody hates rebel flags I like when a guy's got a rebel flag At least I know he's racist Roy Wood, right? Is that Roy Wood? Yeah, there you go Roy Wood had a bit about it Now we can't tell, that's a fucking great Roy Wood bit He's a beast But anyway To me that's kind of
Like everyone's on their best behavior on the first date. And it, and it almost sets us back. It's like, fuck, I bought four more dinners before finding out you're fucking, you know, a lunatic. That's terrible. That was an extra $800. You bitch. You fucking tricked me. I'm six months in. I just found out you found, you think the moon landings fake. Yeah. You should have told me that the first night I would have, I would have fallen in love with you.
All right, all right. That's something. Okay. Thank you. That helps because that tightens it up a little bit. Mine was a little loosey-goosey. No, there's something there for sure. I have this angle about, so this is like a mass shooting years ago in Georgia that didn't happen because this kid came in with 500 rounds, an AK-47, whatever, and he shows up, whatever. I said it again. He shows up, and the teacher stops him, and she goes, what are you doing?
And the line I said was, you know, she probably knew, but she was an icebreaker, you know? Yeah. And and he said, no one loves me. So she said, I love you, you know, and I love you. And and this fucking idiot kid believed her. Thank God. And he gets arrested and didn't kill anybody. So my angle is like she stopped the mass shooting. But some women issues were definitely born on that day.
You know what I mean? Like, like he's sitting in a jail cell. Like she fucking lied to me. I thought she loved me, you know? Yes. Yeah. I don't know where to go quite yet. One of my angles, one of my thoughts was like, that's going to be much tougher to pull that at the, at the reunion.
What reunion? The high school reunion He goes back And she's like what are you doing And he's like no one loves me And he goes no I'm not falling for that shit again Don't try to pull that And he's like I've been burned before And she's like alright I don't know quite where to go with it I love you is like a grenade You only get one And so if he comes back Yeah she's screwed Luckily he's in jail for life But it also kind of proves it lying
Can save your ass I mean, maybe if there's a woman out there Whose husband is abusive And he's like, you think I got a small dick? She's like, no, you got a huge dick And he's like, alright, I won't hit you I don't know, something where lying can save the day We're taught not to lie all day long But it can save you I think lying when the other person's holding a gun is acceptable There you go If they're holding a gun Whatever it takes to get out of that gun situation
Yeah, yeah. Also, like, man, a lot of kids who are doing that shit, like young women, tell a guy you love him because they're the ones fucking shooting that shit up. Tell a guy you love him. If a guy is pissed about fucking heartbreak, he's not going to shoot up the whole school. This is because no one loves him. He's shooting up everyone.
I don't know where to go with this, but there's something here for sure, right? There's definitely something here. I mean, we've all done it with our girlfriends. She's like, do I look fat in this? And you're like, if you tell the truth, you'll get stabbed. So I'm protecting my ass. You got to lie sometimes. I think that's just the nature of life.
I think, yeah, women say they want honesty at all times. Try being honest about everything and you will get killed. You got to fucking, you have to fucking soften it, pour some fucking water in it, dilute it a little bit. Like, I mean, how many times has a woman got like, I've seen my boyfriend, my boyfriend, I've seen my friend and he's got a girlfriend and he's like,
She's like, do I look good in this, honey? And he's like, you always look good, babe. And she goes, that's a good guy. He knows just what to say. He clearly lied, and you're happy about it. I think it's almost a man with a gun is the same reasoning as a lady all the time. It's life or death all the time. With a guy with a gun and a woman looking for a compliment, it's the same situation. That's interesting. Yeah.
You have to always just go with the lie Whether it's a lady or a guy with a gun A guy with a gun and a woman are the same Yeah, either way, you're fucking finished Yeah, either way, you're finished Either way, you're dead Alright, well, that's funny This has been a fucking hot ep Again, I'm loving these, dude, we're killing these I hope we're doing well I feel like I might be not in my most coherent sense Same, same That log of a little goes right to the noggin But this is fun, man
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