Ep 213: New Year - No Guest
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Hey, hey, folks. Happy... We might be drunk. Who knows what holiday. Could be Black History Month. Could be Cinco de Mayo. Who knows? But we're keeping them coming. Continuity. I'm feeling that holiday like... Oh, I'm a jellyfish. I threw one out there to a friend the other day where...

I'm like, I think I'm gaining weight from the holidays. And I was expecting, no, you're not. But she goes, what's the holidays? I'm like, damn it, I am. She got me. She got you there. Damn. I've accidentally hit people. Someone said to me recently, and I was like, well, you know, it's winter. You cover up. Ha ha ha.

Which is no better. I've done it too, but I'll pack on a few. Yeah, I guess so. It's also like a stagnant time of year. Yes! You're just laying around. I'm usually moving and doing stuff. Right. So I force myself to the gym, but then I come back and I'm just eating donuts and shit. I know. Same here. And women love filling your house with junk. They do. She's buying all this shit from Gold Belly, and I'm like, nine cupcakes? Ooh.

She bought nine of those Contessa, Barefoot Contessa. Oh, man. Dude, they're incredible. Bring them in. I'll eat them. I think she just scooped the frosting off all of them and ate them. Oh, okay. Give them to the people in the building. And she was like, I scooped the frosting. Yeah.

I was like, all right, don't give them to people in the building. The homeless must be living it up. I mean, every garbage can's got to be full of cupcakes and cookies and cakes. They must be living large. It is a sad image where they go to the garbage and they're like, jackpot. Yeah.

Only in America do we have fat homeless people. There's homeless people out there who are just, all they do is walk, but they're fat as shit. Not in the West Coast as much. That's true. I don't know what that is, but maybe the sun just makes you kind of shed a little more. Yeah, yeah. That would be Hugh Jackman out West. That's true. Why is that? Whoa! Jesus. Because they probably used to be actors, and they were like, you know, I could still, that's the L.A. mentality. Right. Still could bounce back.

He's living under a bridge, but he's like, I don't know, they could bring back my headshot. Yeah, even in L.A., the hobos look pretty slender. That's true. Apparently, I mean, L.A. is getting crushed, though, right now. Like, Hollywood is outsourcing all this stuff to Europe and Asia. Woo!

And it's not Hollywood, like Netflix, all the streamers. Right. Well, I mean, look, we had a good run. All these writers and air conditioning with craft service and free lunch all day. It's all over. It's all over. You had your Big Bang Theories and your Sheldon and all that other bullshit. It was already like winning a lotto ticket back in the day. Yeah. It was like...

You know. Oh, yeah. I didn't think about it. I know. I was always jealous of the writers. They had health care. I know. They had dental. They had a parking space. And we were out there grinding in Cleveland. So welcome to the party. I do feel like this time of year, like, I need structure. It makes me angry. Same. I need people, like, telling me what to do. Yeah. Like, you have an agent hitting you up. You have, you know, like, I had a real annoying... Oh, God. Yeah.

I told you about that. I hired someone. This is a first world complaint, but I'm still going to complain. Lay it on me, Fanny. The peeve. So my mom nagged me, you know, you moved to a new place. I moved to a new place. Oh, yeah. She's like, you need an interior decorator. I was like, absolutely not. She nagged me till I caved. Wow. It'll save you money in the end because they get you discounts, which is a lie. Yeah. What, do you get credit for giving me this rent? You know, like, I'm like, if you find someone cheap.

Who will just like take this off my plate because I'm never home. Yep. I'll do it. She found someone who's not cheap. Of course. And. Boy, she really weaseled her way in, huh? And then, by the way, I'm so easy to shop for because I'm like that, that, and that. Yeah. And I'm like, wait, I didn't need her. Ah, that's right. But then the stuff I wanted, she was like, well, that's coming from Italy, these couches. Oh, my God. So I'm like, all right. By the way, immigrants must hate this shit. They're like, couches can get past security. Ha, ha, ha.

Maybe they're in the couch. Ace Ventura and the Rhino's ass style. Right. But I'm fuming, you know? It's like six months to get my couch. Yeah. And then it's not the couch I wanted! Oh! These Italians! There was a language barrier. No, it was them. Because she was like, you know, it was like, I have that movie room now. I wanted to make it comfy. There was a bed in the couch. It's so fucking uncomfortable. Oh, yeah, the fold-out.

That's a bummer. It's never as comfortable. They got that bar in the middle. And no one wants to sleep on that thing, by the way. And by the way, you know, the couch, it's supposed to recline. It's comfy enough to sleep on anyway. Right. You killed me, this person. Damn. And can you send it back? They say you can't send it back because it's a custom job. Ah. And then I say, well, give me the custom job I wanted. Good point. And now they haven't answered in a week. Ha, ha, ha.

The holidays. Everyone takes the holidays off. That's true. And they got the Atlantic Ocean between us. They go, ah, we'll be fine. He's going to give up eventually. What's he going to do? Knock the door down? Maybe I will. Maybe we should go to Italy. I want to do a gig in like, I hear, you know, Rome. Yeah. Could be a good place to do comedy. I'm going there in August. Dude, I just watched Cinema Paradiso. Oh. I'd never seen it. One of the best movies of all time. I had dinner with Liz Furiate.

Hey! Miss Eller and Rachel Feinstein. And they're like, you've never seen Cinema Paradiso? Man, those Italians will make you cry. I know. Mostly about the couches. But yeah, it's true. That movie's like, whew, it hits you right in the heartstrings. Yeah. It did make me...

Misty for sure. Holy shit. I watched it with my dad as a kid, so it was like, you know, very relatable. Oh, it's fucking sad. What year is that? 91, 89, 88? Something like that. 88, yeah. So good. Everybody watch That's a Wreck. It's beautiful.

It's fucking sad, though. But man, I'm out a lot of money from this. I'm fuming. Italian furniture. I just hate getting taken for a ride. I know. Well, I'm with you because we hired a designer guy. Totally gypped us. He'd be like, here's three things. What do you like? And I go, I love the third one. He goes, ugh.

And I would be like, you gave me the option. So then I would go, all right, give me the middle one. He goes, good choice. I'm like, okay. Meanwhile, I didn't know the good choice was like four grand and it's a lamp. Oh, that's what this lady would do. She'd give me options for a coffee table. I'd be like, 20 grand? Yeah. Even if I was...

Insanely rich, I wouldn't do this. No, it's crazy. And I'll go on Google or Facebook Marketplace. I'm finding all kinds of steals. I know. It's almost fun. I mean, that's why I'm mad at myself for doing this, because it's fun to find the steal. It's fun to find it. Anyone can buy clothes, you know, full price. Right. You go to like a Nordstrom Rack. Exactly. You go to one of those discount places. That's more fun. Yes. Same with women. I found her on the side of the road. Yeah.

She had a very low self-esteem. She sticks around. This might be a lady thing. It's my wife's like, we got to get a designer. We got to get an organizer. I'm like, an organizer? So we hired this lady to walk through the house. She had an Indiana Jones hat and a scarf. And she was like, hmm, the feng shui is off. This needs to go over here. And it was like $1,000 for her to come in and do that. Oh, my God. I was like, we can do this. This is pathetic that we have to hire this lady. That's a sign. She's dressed really well. She's making too much money on this.

Have some pride in what you do. Yes, that's what I said. The not responding is a real peeve. That's crazy. I gave a lot of money. Yeah. And I didn't get what I wanted. And just to get in the door, it was a crazy amount of money. Wow. This is our retainer fee. I'm like, retainer? Retainer. What, I hired Johnny Cochran? Yeah. Ridiculous. That is crazy, yeah. See, that's one good thing about spending a lot of money is you have the ability to

To bitch. You know, if you spend $17 at Amazon, you kind of got to eat it. But if you spend $8 million on a couch from Italy, you can go, hey. I'd rather have the money than the bitching, though. I agree. I'm just saying. You're allowed to go Karen on these paisans. Yeah, I want fucking Karen, dude. Yeah, get these guineas, you couch-raping wops. Ugh.

Infuriating. Yeah, that is crazy. You told me you saw the Bob Dylan movie, too. I did. I heard he's amazing in it. He's great. It looks great. Mangold is a hell of a director, but here's the thing with the movie. I'm going to be a cunt here. Be a cunt.

It didn't need to be made. We have the documentary, which is way better. And also, they took liberties. They put him in the folk fest when he was actually in England. They put him with Joan Baez in the beginning when he was actually with another lady. So I'm like, why would you fuck up the story? We have Google. Bob

Dylan's still alive. Why would you change it? Isn't that weird? Yeah. Like, what's the point of that? Imagine you're Bob Dylan. You're seeing that movie and you're like, that's not my life. I know. Exactly. And they knew what to do. Like, they knew all the ins and outs, but they still were like, let's change this. Let's fix that. Let's move that around. I'm like, you had to go Hollywood and you had to ruin it. That's the problem with biopics is that they always take liberties. Yeah. And look, Shalamu is great.

And there's points in it where you're like, oh my God, is that Bob Dylan? Like that's how good it is. And he's really good. That's really the takeaway of the movie is like his performance and watching the mimicry of... Mimicry? Is that a word? Yeah. The mimicry of the character is really cool. But other than that, I'm like, what was the point of this? Nothing really happens. It's just kind of like a day in the life of...

Yeah, I do feel that. I'm always kind of reluctant to see biopics. I thought, you know, Rey. It's probably like Rey. Yeah. Fox is incredible, but the movie is like, all right. It was all right, yeah. Yeah, Walk the Line is... Right. That was pretty good. That was mangled to it. Yes, it was. I mean, you know, I like that, but again, it is...

It is weird that more people see this than any documentary on him. I know. And it's not real. Right. So I got so into it, because I was a huge Dylan fan growing up, that I watched the documentary again after the movie. And it's so much better. It's like real, and they have all the footage. And you ever, you know the story of him going electric? Yeah.

What happened? So he's in England. He's like this big folk hero. You know, he's writing the best songs. He's a great lyricist. He's changing lives. They call him a protest song, whatever. He goes out to England. He's like, well, we're going to go electric now. And they're booing him. They yell, Judas, Judas. Like, you turned our back on us. Turn your back on us. And he goes, I don't believe you. And then he turns around and goes, play it loud. And they fucking rock it out. And it's so good that it turns the audience. It's an amazing story.

But the movie does this, but they do it all wrong. Damn. Yeah, it's a bummer. I don't know why they decided to do that. I feel like they did a similar thing with that movie Ali. Oh, yeah. Where that movie just kind of sucked. I know. And then that doc is so cool. We Were Kings? Yeah. Yeah, so good. I think that's a Michael Mann movie. Yeah, I love Michael Mann. So do I. I just didn't like that movie. Michael Mann and Ali. I mean, and Will Smith. You'd think it would be solid.

I know. Who knew Will Smith? Slap. Open hand. Slap box. It does suck that a dude who trained to be a boxer hits you in the face. That's true, yeah. Because you know he's got the power. I know, and if you can pull up that slap, I know this is old news, but he really cocked back. It was like Victorian. It's such a bitch move. Look at that. I mean, that's perfect form. He didn't go after a dude smaller. Yeah, and Rock, looking back, handled that like a champ. He didn't even go like, Jesus, he just took it.

That's a guy who had like six brothers. Whoa. Yeah. But yeah, man, I was at that Christmas Day game, Nick Spurs, and I'm next to Stephon Marbury. Wow. So like after every, Knicks are going on a run. They're losing. I'm like, fuck, the Knicks are going to lose this.

My girlfriend is a Spurs fan. Uh-oh. Which is annoying. Yeah. And she was like, I can't wear a Spurs... A game, the Knicks are giving us tickets. If you do it, I will break up with you. Yeah. You get me in trouble with MSG, I will easily leave you. Yeah.

I told her that. It'll be the easiest breakup of my life. There you go. And I was like, Knicks are forever. Yeah. I don't know if we're forever. That's a good point. There's literally a Seinfeld episode about this. I know. Where she wears the Orioles hat to the Yankee game. Unacceptable. Yeah. Unacceptable. To her credit, she just wore black. And I was like, all right, that's subtle enough, I guess. Yeah. But, you know, Stephon Marbury...

comes over to high five her after a big Knicks play and she goes, I'm a Spurs fan. He's like, oh, and I'm like, I'll take that high five and Marbury hugs me. Hey! That was pretty cool. Is there anything to be said that she's super loyal? No, I respect that. Okay. I, of course, respect you being loyal to your team, but you just can't bring that, you know. Yeah, to the house. You can't bring that when they're hooking us up. Yeah, that's kind of a slap in the face. Yeah, it's a hard ticket Christmas day, man. And she lost. I saw Steve Sharippa there. Oh,

Oh, yeah. He came over and he goes, I want to do your guys' podcast, but I just don't want to come on with other Sopranos people. I want to tell my own stories. Oh, that's cool. Interesting. But we're such, I told him, I was literally watching Sopranos yesterday. Yeah. But yeah, we should have him on. I wonder why he said that. Because he's probably done it with everyone. Right. He just wants to do his own thing. Oh, there he is. That's the big Ziti.

That's right. Karen Ziti. Bacala. I watched the episode where his dad does that one last hit, Burt Young. Oh, yeah. Such a good fucking ep. Yeah, he's great. I love the, he goes, you gotta be Santa. He goes, I can't be Santa. Why can't you be Santa? I'm shy. Great delivery. That's perfect. I'd love to get Imperioli on one day, too. He's in White Lotus. I know, man. And he wrote some of those eps where you're like, God damn, he's a smart dude, too.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, he wrote some eps. Wow. Crazy. That is cool. There he is. Look at him. Big Knicks fan. Look at that. What were the holidays like with the in-laws? Well, we did a Christmas at their house, which is always great. The kids come by, all the nephews and everything, and you give gifts. How about this? I got a gift. It's called Pirate's Water. See if you can look this up there, Peters. Did you get this from Bert?

I thought this was from KFC. Yes, that's what it is. KFC. I have it in my fridge. I haven't tried it yet. Got the chest? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is such a New York complaint. When I got it, I'm like, you can't get a lug of chest up this. I know. I know. But it was cool presentation.

Yeah, it was really cool. The chest is well-made. It's wooden and metal. We've got to step up our presentation. Yeah. Is everyone in the liquor game now? I know. And liquor's going through the floor, too. That's the weird part. No one's drinking anymore. But this is very different than ours. Did you try? I haven't tried it yet. It's in my fridge still. I did try it. Not for me. Well, it's not your type of drink. No. They're kind of like... They're like Red Bull-y.

Wicked tea. Yeah. There's a lot of money in this kind of like tough beverage. Like, look at liquid death. That's true. It's like liquid death. It's water. It's water. Mike's Hard Lemonade. All right. All right. Yeah. Take it. I just want to drink it. I don't want to fight it. Yeah. So...

I got the chest and one of the nephews is five and he's obsessed with pirates. So the wife goes, you got to bring this to Boston. And I go, oh, yeah, that was a month ago. Cut to the day of. I got my bags packed and I see that fucking chest and I go, ah.

I got to lug this thing. Are you driving? No, I'm taking the flight to Boston. That's insane. So I got to lug this fucking chest through JFK. And everybody's like, what's up with the chest? What's with the chest? I'm like, I'm trying to help out a nephew. And they go, you're a good uncle. And the thing's flopping open. And it's heavy as shit. And I'm trying to shove it. It won't fit in the overhead. So I had to check it.

All for this chest. Christmas Day finally shows up. The kids run in. I go, I found this chest in an old pirate ship. And they go, ah, what is that? Transformer? And I go, ah, the fucking queef kids. Oh, man, that sucks. Yeah. You just left it. Maybe you leave it there and they find something. Oh, I left it. I never want to see that thing again. Banana mamma?

Yeah. Banana Mama? Bahama Mama. Bahama Mama. God, I can't read them. My eyesight sucks. But we did the damn thing with Christmas that I went home. In-laws come home with me because they had to do something in New York. So right when you get away from in-laws...

You turn around, they're in your living room. Well, now you got this big place. You have space. Big place, but here's the problem. It's still being built and everything's still kind of, we're almost done. We're like 90% done, but the dad is walking around going, a couple of loose wires over here. Who did the plumbing? What's up with that? A little drywall dust on the floor there. And you're like, I know.

And he goes, is this vapor locked? And I'm like, I don't know anything about vapor lock. So I'm getting the whole in-law dad construction. That's such dad behavior. Total mansplained. Total like, hey, you got to step that up. Who does your plug? Give them my number. Let me talk to them. And I'm like, I got it. Don't worry. So there's a lot of that going on. And that's my peeve.

When someone's staying at my house, great, happy to help. We've got the bed made, towels on the bed. I'm ready to go. Bathroom's over here. Yeah, but you're not John Taffer. Let's take it down a notch. Exactly. But my peeve is they want to hang out. Like the dad's like, what are we doing today? And I'm like, oh, I got a pod to do. And he's like, where is it? And I'm like, it's in Midtown. He's like, I'll go with you. What? So now he's going to Midtown with me. So that's the hard part. You're doing Tuesdays with Stories with your wife's dad. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

uh that's a patreon app check it out but yeah so that was the hard part is like the babysitting of it all you know like he's like what else is going on and i'm like ah i'm gonna mow the lawn he's like i'll i'll rake the leaves so i think he just needs something to do you know ben franklin's got that quote visitors are like fish after three days they start to stink i'm paraphrasing i don't know if that's exactly but it's that's

A version of the quote. That's good. But it's so true, man. Like, that's why I didn't want to bed in the other room. I'm like, you can sleep here on the couch. Yes. The couch ain't that comfy. You're not going to want to stay for too long. Couch is temporary. Guys like fish begin to smell after three days. I think I like yours better. I like mine better too. Smell should be the last word. Yeah. You know, McDonald's designed their seats to be comfortable for five minutes. Wow.

Wow. Yeah, that's some fucking, you wonder why these guys stick around. It's ideas like that. It's called fast food. They don't want you to loiter, right? That's true. Also, red makes you hungry, they say. So it's all red. All red and uncomfortable. Like my ex. Red? Yeah. So you want to leave if something's red, too? Well, red makes you hungry. So you go in, you're like, oh, I want to eat more. I'll buy more burgers. I wonder why that is. Maybe things are ketchup? Maybe, yeah. Maybe it does something to the brain.

Also ketchup, one of two foods that hit every taste bud. They should make chairs in hospitals more comfortable. Oh. Because you're never there for five minutes. That's true. In the waiting room. And those chairs suck. They suck. Yeah. What do you got here? Red is considered a color that makes people want to eat because it is associated with excitement, stimulation, and urgency. All right. Well, there you go. Weird. All right. Yeah. What's a color that makes you not want to eat? Brown? Probably. Or...

I'm thinking of other fast food. White Castle is just white, right? Blue? Yeah. Yeah, can you make that a little bigger? Red is associated with energy, passion, urgency, and appetite stimulation. There you go. Orange is associated with...

Value and appetite. What? Are these all? What's yellow is associated with enthusiasm, youthfulness, and appetite stimulus. Are these all appetite? McDonald's has two of them, though, red and yellow, right? Green associated with health, freshness, nature, and eco-friendliness. That makes sense. Blue associated with calm, trust, security, and freshness. All right, we're blue on a first date. Yeah. You don't want to eat too much and too much trust you. Yeah.

Purple, luxury, fruitiness. Oh, interesting. Elitism. Ooh, the Lakers. That's right. You're a bunch of elite fruits. Yeah. Pink, sweetness, femininity, and calm. All right. Brown, sweetness, nature, earthiness, and wholesomeness. All right. This is kind of interesting. Yeah. All right. Now let me throw this at you. Speaking of fucked up holidays...

I'm getting on the flight to go to Boston. I get a call from the garage I keep my car in. Hey, you got a boot on your car. What? And I go, ah, what the hell's up with the boot? They're like, I don't know. You got to go down to the garage. I go, I'm leaving for a flight in 10 minutes. They go, just come by. So the garage is a block away. I go to the garage.

The guy goes, we fucked up. We'll take the boot off. I go, all right, great. Then I go to Boston. Two days later, hey, your car got broken into. What? Yeah. In a garage? In a garage. That's why you pay for the garage. I know. And a security guy's walking around. Now, here's the worst part. Window shattered because I think a hobo was trying to get warm. There's all kinds of food in there and shit. He didn't steal anything. Door was unlocked.

Door was unlocked. It was unnecessary to break the window. Damn. So I had to go to the garage, call the cops. You wait eight hours. The cops finally show up. The cop goes, this is crazy. The garage has to pay for this. And I go, all right, thank you. That's good to hear. I go up to the garage guy, the booth, and he goes, we're not paying for this. The cops should have given you a report. I go, he didn't give you a report. He said you got to pay for it. They go, oh, no, we're not in charge of anything. What's the point of the garage, though? Just to house it.

That is annoying that it was unlocked, too. Maybe it was just a criminal for the love of the game. He opened it, then shut it. He's like, fuck it. I'm just going to smash it. It looks like he took a bunch of food in there, got out of the garbage, some cakes and cupcakes that you left behind, and then he ate them in there in the warmth. Oh, fuck. There's the boot. I got the boot off. That's a good-looking car. So you have to just get someone to fix the windshield now? I guess I got to figure that out.

But I almost don't want to pay for it because once you pay for it, trying to get that bill covered is like a nightmare. Yeah, but what else are you going to do? Get rid of the car? No, I was just hoping they would cover it. It's crazy. Man, we're getting fucked lately. I know, I know. What are we, suckers? This city. This city is filled with a lot of people who just love to fuck you over. They really do, yeah. I mean, you know when you have like a great trip in Denver or San Francisco and you fly back right when you land in New York...

It's raining. It's snowing. You can't get a cab. The guy fucking splashes you with his tire, you know? It's like, God damn. You get caught in traffic. Remember when we were in L.A. and we walked into the comedy store and the guy just started screaming at us? Yeah. This is L.A., New York. This is big city crazy dude energy. That was like 11 in the morning, too. I know. Some guy's like, you piece of shit. I'll kill you. We're just like, all right, let's...

We got our rolly bags. We don't look in condition to fight. No, not at all. But hey, we could have been caught on fire on the subway. That was fucking... That was bad. You see the guardian angels are back? Yes! God bless them, man. Good for them. I love those. When I was a kid, I wanted to be one of those guys. Then you actually think about what happens and you're like, fuck it. I love that they all look like the bad guy from Street Fighter. Yeah.

What's his name? Raul Julia? Yeah, yeah. Oh, he was great. Was it M. Bison? I don't remember his name. Something like that. Well, look at these guys. That guy's 78 years old. I don't know what difference they're going to make. He's 78. He doesn't carry a weapon. Yeah, he's just wearing a jacket. He looks like a Coast Guard. We better not fuck with this guy. He's wearing a beret. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It is good. I mean, look, but he said like, I saw the interview and he's like, we're going to talk to these people. We're going to reason with them. I'm like, I don't know if you understand. Psychos. If you said someone on fire, you're probably not like, oh, was I not supposed to? Okay, I won't do that. Right, right. I don't know if your psychological evaluation is going to help. 70. I do like the idea of a guy like boots on the ground. He's not tweeting. He's like, let's go in there. No, I respect the fuck out of it. I just don't know. I

Look, I guess having anyone brave enough to step in is cool. I mean, that was the shitty thing about that woman being lit on fire. It's like people are mad at people for not stepping in. But at the same time, what are you supposed to do when a person's on fire? True. Yeah. You know, I don't – there's no playbook. We're going to have to start being educating citizens of New York. Like, all right, if a person's on fire, everyone take out your coats and just start smacking. Yeah. Well, that's what you think is the coat over. Yeah.

but everybody's got that can of the goose. That shit's $1,300. I know. I know. Now we're going to have to carry a rape whistle, pepper spray, a knife, and a fire extinguisher. It is crazy because...

I do want to blame some of it on the media, but it is different. The subway, there are enough crazy people in it. Oh, yeah. It's a throwback, for sure. Definitely. There was a shooting two days ago. I don't know if you saw that or a stabbing. I mean, something else crazy went down, I think, two days ago on the subway. So it's ramping up, folks. This shit felt like it was written by Fox News, though. This, like, a migrant lit a person on fire in dangerous New York City. Like, you know they were coming when this story came out. Guatemalan. We told you not to fucking come here.

Because this was someone that Trump, under his immigration, threw out of the country, and then he got back in. Oh, man. See? Snuck back in. I think the jail reform is really part of the problem. That guy was in jail, then got out of jail, then put back in jail. Just keep the fucker in jail. He's obviously nuts. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what... What do you do at this point? It was something at Penn Station I saw. I don't know what the hell happened, but it was something bad.

Lighting a person on fire, though, is... Boy, that's next level. Man stabbed near Penn Station. Oh, okay. I guess that was it. Hell's Kitchen is fucking... That's where Salicus... I kept the name, dude. Yeah. Salicus lives there. He's got a knife. And he got jumped. Remember that? We got the video. That was crazy. Yeah. And he maced the guy. Tough. But that worried me because it didn't seem like the mace really worked. That's true.

Yes. Although the cell he's walked up to the guy and the guy was like, ah, so I guess maybe it hurt. But then the drugs these people are on, like who knows if they feel anything, you know? That's true. But I see it in every city. Like they love to act like this isn't taking the country by storm. But every city you go to, there's some fucking weird camping site in downtown. There's people who are like, yeah, look, I mean, they just these people.

pharmaceutical companies just like poison the country and then we're like, yeah, we'll get rich. I know. Is that what it is? Because like, you didn't see this in the 50s. Did they just throw a guy in a pit? Did they stab him? Did they kill him? Like, how did they not have this in the 60s or whatever? I don't know.

I mean, I think there were a lot of drugs. I think there were different drugs. I mean, there was definitely a crack epidemic. That's true. Especially in D.C. and stuff. That's true. And, you know, Baltimore and all these places. And I think people were on drugs. I think they were just, heroin is a more peaceful high than whatever the shit they're taking now. Right, right. Where it's like angry and they all look like Pacino in the last scene of Scarface. They just won't go down. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and then Trank is pretty good, too. You ever see Trank, those guys in Kensington? They're like barely trying to stand up. Pull up Trank at TRNQ. DC Benny used to have a joke about the guy, the old man in the park where you can't tell if he's doing Tai Chi or heroin. Yeah. Just the way he's leaning. And the act that was so good. So good. Look at that. They just lean. It's like the most peaceful zombie of all time.

Damn, look at those fucking wounds. My God. Ah! Good Lord. Yeah, I mean, what are you supposed to do, I think? Trank, they just lean over. Wow. It's tough. I mean, these are just, you're asking citizens to step up, but then what happens? You have like a Daniel Penny incident. Yeah. You know, you don't want to kill the people either. It's like a no-win situation. Val, our friend from the Comedy Cellar,

She's one of the managers there. She got jumped. She got pushed down a flight of stairs in the subway, hits her head on the edge of the stairs, which are sharp. Yes. 17 stitches. Maybe 18, actually. Yeah. Actually, I might be making this up. It was like 20-something stitches. It was terrible. I saw it. She got 400 stitches. She's dead. She's dead.

No. I saw her the other day. She's back. Thank God. But she's a New Yorker. That's the thing, too, is like if you grow up here, obviously your head's on a swivel to that kind of behavior. Yeah. You know where to just step up. Like I used to date a girl who was not from here, and she would just – there'd be a crazy guy, and she'd just like walk near, and I'd be like, no, no, you walk away. Right.

Right. This is a pretty simple thing. And she's like, oh, I didn't even notice he was screaming at us. And I was like, well, he was. Yeah. Well, we had that once. It was like two in the morning. We were drinking somewhere and I was we were walking on the east side and this guy was like, what's your problem? You want to go? And I was like, what's up with this guy? And you're like, just keep going. Yeah. Why would you even engage? We do nothing. A guy yells, what's your problem? It happened to me on the subway once with outside Steve from the Comedy Cellar. A guy's fucking with everyone on the train.

Didn't seem dangerous, but seemed not worth pushing. Yeah. And he's another New York guy, but he's like, eh, fuck off. And now he's fucking with us. I'm like, that is fucking amateur. Yeah, amateur hour. The most embarrassing was the guy tried to give me a signed CD, and you were like, what are you, crazy? I was like, hey, it might be worth something. Oh, no, because those guys will ask for money. Exactly. Yeah, that's the whole thing. Get my album, and you're like, oh, thanks. And then he's like, that'll be $40. Yeah. No, I don't actually want that. No, I was helping you out. Yeah, no, we've all been...

We've all been scammed that way. Yeah, well. Don't get scammed into wearing the first. I'm from New Orleans. The scams are so much more whimsical. The guy will go, I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes. And you go, I don't know where. And he goes, on your feet. $4, please. And you're almost like, all right, he was witty. Yes. But they'll just do that all day. Port Authority fair hustle? Fair hustle. Fair hustle.

What is that? Fake monks. Jeez, is there no integrity? I want to see what the fake monks... Look at these guys. That looks like a real monk to me. That's how they get you. Damn. They're commonplace in Times Square, although sometimes encountered in Union Square or Central Park, I guess any place with heavy traffic. They'll approach you and try to slide a bracelet on your wrist. Then they'll ask you for a donation, many times mentioning a fake temple that is in dire need of the money. Ha ha ha.

These are not real monks, and there is no temple. They are keeping the proceeds. Steer clear of them. The fucking... I got scammed by a monk. I know. This is a dark city that... Yeah. They're just like, pay up, motherfucker. Oh, yeah. The dropped food. Oh, yeah, the wife fell for that one. I was like, you're an amateur. The guy did the... Oh!

My sandwich. And I was like, that sandwich has been run over, eaten by six rats. It's three days old. And she was like, here's $10. I was like, you chump. What's the hot dog vendor upcharge? Uh-oh. There's many hardworking hot dog vendors in New York City. Billy's in the Upper West Side looking at you. However, not all of them are honest, especially in touristy areas. Yeah, they will get you. Anytime you order from a vendor without the prices listed, ask how much it costs first. Yep. Yeah.

I've seen vendors charge me $3 for water when I don't ask and $2 when I do ask in advance. Damn. Damn, that is, yeah. Hot days in the summer, they'll get you. Yep. I've heard countless tales of hot dogs being charged $7 to $10. Woo!

Whatever happened to three-card money? Can we get that guy back? That was at least fun and exciting. These scams are getting worse and worse. The Staten Island ferry scam, the fake Uber at the airport, that's when you got to be careful. Yes. They will send a friend. So you don't look at the license plate number. They have a friend go in, and you could get abducted.

Whoa. There was a comic who got sexually assaulted that way. Really? It's fucking bad. Holy moly. Make sure it's the right license plate. Yikes. Rip off comedy tickets. We've all been there. Tina Fey's performing tonight. You're like, wait a second. She's not a stand-up. Damn. That was just after they saw my act. I got ripped off.

What's the other one? Characters in Times Square. Oh, watch out for the Mexican Elmo. Let's take a picture with your kid. Yeah. The cookie monster scammed us. Damn. That sucks because you're ruining your childhood. That's that kid's favorite character and he's like, pay up, motherfucker. Right.

But this is a throwback. I mean, none of this is new. You had the pickpocket guy, the fake homeless kid, you know, the mom with the kid who looks sick, but they just get up and leave after. Wait, that's a midget. That's not... Yeah, you got the... Pay up, lady. My basketball team needs uniforms. You got that kid.

They're out there. The basketball team, yeah. I'm a veteran, and you're like, your age looks in between wars. Right, yeah. What are you, Gulf War? What are we talking here? The basketball kid, whenever you do that, ask the team name. Ooh. They always go, uh, the N-words. You know, they never have anything. I don't get the character scam. Is that, oh, they take a photo, and then they want money? Yeah, and then they want like 20 bucks. Damn. Yeah, yeah.

Boy, what a town. Yeah, I remember as a kid, one time a guy just yelled. He tried to scam my mom. My mom was a city person, too, so she just walked by him, and he goes, your mom's a rotten person, kid. Whoa. As a kid, you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. And my mom's like, he's on drugs. I was like four. Gee, yeah, I watched a guy spit on my dad once in a street car. Yeah, I was like eight. That was heavy. Damn. My dad just went.

And that was it. Damn. Yeah, I was a kid. I was like a 14-year-old. My dad was in a suit. Probably a racial thing. Who knows? Damn, that's fucking... It was dark. You don't want to see that shit as a kid. No. Those are like those moments that kind of kill the innocence where you're like... Yes.

One time we were at a K&B, which is like a Rite Aid, and I was playing a Street Fighter game at a grocery store where my dad shopped or my mom shopped. And then this kid came up and he goes, I bet you I can beat you. And I go, I'll take it. He was like 17. And he beat me in like eight seconds, and I had to give him like a dollar. Ha ha ha.

Dude, yeah, that's hustling for kids, I guess. You get older, it's like pool when you're a kid. Yeah. Like, teching. That's true, yeah. Dude, I got a good movie rec for you, by the way. Sheath underwear. It's a new year, fellas. Time to clean out that underwear drawer and restock with sheath. I bet I'm wearing them right now.

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That's code DRUNKS on PrizePix to get 50 clams instantly when you play five bucks. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. PrizePix, run your game, folks. Shout out Adam Ega because he sent me the trailer. Please. It's called Lake George. It's an indie. They shot it all for $2 million or so. Whoa. And it's a...

I know you guys are gonna make fun of me. It's a neo-noir. Yeah, it is. Fucking... It's great. It's a really good movie. Is it like a simple plan? It kind of. It's a different type of... I love a simple plan. It's like a... 95, wow. It's really good, dude. And it's basically a guy...

I'll give you the short version. He owes... This guy, Shea Wingham, he's great. And Carrie Coon is great. They're all good acting in it. But he's owed money from this gangster who's powerful. And you don't know why. He doesn't seem like he's the type of guy that would roll with them. And you're like, why is this guy... But he seems really down his luck. And he's like, I'll give you the money, but you've got to murder my wife. Whoa. And he's like, no way. And then they basically say, we'll kill you if you don't kill her. Whoa. Yeah. So Adam Iga sends me the trailer.

And he's like, I haven't seen this yet, but it looks awesome. And I end up watching it and text him. I go, I loved it. He writes back. All right, I'm watching it tonight. And then he wrote my favorite movie of the year. Whoa. I think it's, I don't want to oversell it, but I think it's just a good, simple, like sometimes when a movie has a smaller budget, you got to get creative and beautiful scenic shots. Yep. It, the, whoever did the cinematography is like, it just looks so cool. And then, um,

I mean, acting's great, and it's one of those noirs that's funny. Oh, I love that. But also dark. I love these movies where it's just the love of movie making. There's like, we gotta make a good movie. I don't care about the corporate bullshit or making a ton of money. We just want to make a good movie and hope people watch it. You know, exactly. And it's like, I feel like these are the types of movies they just don't make anymore. Yes. Because I feel like we talk about this all like, man, what a great decade. We were so spoiled. That's why we love movies so much is that we grew up in the 90s. Yeah. When...

It was an amazing era. Amazing. I mean, Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, Lion King, and Pulp Fiction came out in the same year. Yeah, and Fargo maybe too. Maybe that was a year later. Might have been a year later, yeah. Boogie Nights. Yes! Fucking all these great 90s movies. You go on forever, but yeah, it's...

It's fun, man. Yeah, I mean, we were lucky because we grew up in a time where a good movie made a lot of money. So you were incentivized to make good movies. Now it's like, unless it's Avengers. Oh, dude, I read this thing recently that Netflix now, all these streamers, they're looking for scenes where you describe what you're doing as you're doing it so people can watch while they're on their phone.

So that's like, imagine you're a screenwriter or a writer and you're like, oh, I gotta dumb my shit down this much. It just sucks that that's, I understand like if you, but isn't that what like reality TV already is? Exactly. Isn't there enough of that shit already? It's horrible. Yeah, it's scrollable watching.

But I had a horrible idea the other day. You know we do stand-up clips where you make a joke about Stephen Hawking and you put a graphic of him? I was like, what if we did that with a whole special? And then I realized, what am I doing? I'm dumbing down the art form. Now I'm putting in a Pokemon figure when I make a Pokemon joke because I worry about the attention span of the audience. Fuck that. You catch up to us. I know. But I had that thought, and that's a scary thought. I know, man. No, it's... You don't want to...

You don't want to write for the algorithm. Yeah. Cause then it's like, it's kind of the same as just pandering. It's almost like going on stage and being like, I think gay marriage should be legal. And it's like, yeah, we, we, we agree. What? Yeah. So writing for the algorithm is one of those things where you're like, fuck this, this is where we're at. A lot of people are, you know? Yeah. I mean, on some level we're already doing like doing that sometimes with topical shit, but at least that's our take on topical shit. Right. Like,

When we were doing that roast, there were a couple of topical stories they threw at us, and we tried to write jokes for it, and we realized, as we were telling them, we didn't care about them. We don't care about Machine Gun Kelly. We don't give a shit about Megan Fox. It just wasn't interesting to us, so we dropped those jokes. Yep. And it's funny. People listening are like, you care about Stephen Hawking? On Epstein Island, it's kind of funny. Yeah. I think it is. That's an interesting angle. P. Diddy, that was an interesting story. That was, you know, Luigi, that was a crazy story. So those stories...

We were like, let's fucking write jokes. Yeah, totally. And boy, we got a ton of great messages. We got tagged a lot and stuff. Great Goudsby. That was a hit. I was off. I was like, I don't know about Goudsby. Eli Sayers wrote that joke. Yeah, I mean, every third comment is like, great Goudsby, great Goudsby. So there you go. You gotta go with the good. I mean, did they cut your Diddy joke? The one about, I think they cut one of them. I didn't watch it, but I got tagged in some videos. I don't know if they cut it for the clip or something. Yeah.

but your joke about, fuck, there was a Diddy joke, I think. The riff on Jeff. Did they cut that one? It looked like the guy who hands out baby oil at a party. Oh, did they? That one kills. That was like,

I didn't see it in the clip. I think you're right. I think they did cut it. Because we posted one, and I think... Fuck, that was like one of my... Damn! They cut two of my favorite jokes. Really? That was one that you said. Because he's wearing the white tux, Mark goes... I just said the joke, but he looks like the guy who hands out baby oil at a diddy party. Crushed in the club. Crushed! And then I had one I loved about his cancer they cut, where it was...

You look like a lump. They cut the lump? They cut the lump. The lump killed. You look like a lump, and like a lump, women are terrified to find you in their shower. Oh. I was so proud when I- You wrote that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we wrote a few of them, but we didn't help. Yeah, we had help, but a couple we wrote, and that was a banger, and it was like a last minute one where you're like, what about this? Well, we had a week to do the set, so obviously we have help from writers, and they're feeding us jokes. Yeah.

we're seeing if we can mold that into our voice. If it doesn't work for us, we're riffing with the writers. Yep. Yep. We had like, you know, I think we already mentioned this as a show, but people like, you know, Dickie Egan. Oh yeah. Mike Lawrence, Tank. Beast. Matt Broussard was helpful. Eli just said. Zach Amico. Jesus Christ. He is relentless. Killer. Great. Great writer. I don't know why that guy's not hired. Oh yeah. JP McDade. Great writer. A lot of great writers were helping us. So when you have a week to write a whole set,

But we threw a couple bits in there. Oh, yeah. We also cut some of that Stephen Hawking thing he did that I love. Oh, man. That was pretty dark. We went dark.

But not as dark. I mean, shit, Tim came out as a dead CEO. That's true. I thought it was hilarious. It was very funny. I saw the post wrote it up. I was like, holy shit. I know. I know. He made the news. And his post was great. He just posted on Instagram and said, this is as tasteless as it looks like, which is so true. What sucks is I was in the background of a thing looking like this. I'm like, I was laughing. They got the one screenshot of me not laughing. Ah, yeah. But yeah, man, that was...

That was crazy. Yeah, got a lot of, I think no one knew it was coming. So we were like, what the fuck is this? And it took a day to kind of catch up to people where they're like, what the fuck is this torching? There was no publicity or anything really. Well, yeah, we were like the only ones who didn't get a write-up for doing something outrageous. We should have come out as if we came from the white party. Yeah, yeah. We had like a pink top and a white linen over it. I know. That would have been...

But, you know, whatever. I thought about it, but yeah, he was wearing the tux, so I thought, hey, maybe we should look nice. We look cooler, but it probably would have gotten more buzz. That's true. But, you know, when are we ever going to wear a smoking jacket again? It was kind of fun. Good point. Yeah, the loose bow tie, always a good look. But, yeah, it's out. We're done. People can watch it. And we didn't really burn any material too bad. I lost two, but I probably wasn't going to use them in anything. All right. Ugh.

But then you say that, but then you're like, this Diddy story ain't going away. I could have kept that King and Justin one probably. I bet you could still do it. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Epstein one I don't think I was going to use for anything else. Well, there you go. An old one. Look at Nate crushing, man. Nate Bartoszczyk.

That did you love it? It's beautiful. Get a, get a click on that second one in the round. I believe it is. And it's so pretty. It is a definite flex to do. Look at this. It looks like the Superbowl. Did Mike Lavin direct this one as well? Probably. He's great. I mean, homeless pimp, if you don't know him, I mean, you probably know him from Chrissy D's used to be on Chris's podcast. He, he's directed a lot of specials. Yeah. And he does a terrific job.

That is really something. Boy, Nate, we're friends with like the America's comic. He's like the guy right now. Oh, man, I have all the memories of us, you know, drinking together back in the day. Yeah, I mean, Nate's always been a great dude and a great comic. I have this memory of him. We were doing a show one night at Caroline's, and we all bombed. It was one of those, you know, like,

Caroline's present shows and Times Square. They bark in the worst audience you've ever played for. Yep, yep. But it was like a lineup. Like looking back, you're like, man, these are like great comics on this, you know? Yeah. Joe Mackey. I don't know if you were on it or not. I think maybe Soda was on it. All these great comics. Yeah. And we all kind of bombed. Oh, yeah. And they just wouldn't laugh. And Nate kind of bombed too. Wow. But he was the only one who didn't adapt. Yeah.

I mean, he didn't feel like he had to... We all, in some ways, kind of were trying to change gears with him. And he was the only one who stayed true to who he was on stage. And over time, he started doing better and better. We were all just kind of bombing. Interesting. And by the end, you could tell they respected him, which is pretty cool to be like... Because nothing feels worse than pandering and still bombing. Yes. Tell me about it. I was like, man, this guy is...

maybe the most comfortable in his own skin and voice on stage as like anyone. 100%. I mean, I would see him go on after like a high energy black comic humping the stool and he would still get them. I mean, the guy, he knew how to, he doesn't show it. You can't see his moves, but he knew how to get an audience into his rhythm somehow quick. And it's really impressive. Because it's so authentic and unique and you know that's him. Yes.

So when he's hot, they don't sound like jokes. But then you see, they posted one. I'm sure you could find it on Netflix. They posted maybe on Instagram or maybe it was on his. I saw it somewhere. But it's a joke and you see it and you're like, oh, that's a joke. Yeah. But you don't realize he's telling you jokes. It's like the way you almost get mad at him.

I feel like an audience who doesn't know him might be, like, underestimating him. Yes, yes. Not realizing how smart the jokes are. But maybe that's his point. Maybe he wants to lull you and then sneak attack. I think it is. I think it is, too. I think Burr does that to a degree, too. Yep, yep. Where he'll, like...

He'll play dumb and then you're like, that's one of the smartest jokes I've ever heard. That's so true. What do I know? I'm a fucking comic. I'm like, you know. Right, right. You know stuff. Exactly. He's like, look, folks, I don't read. It was ecstatic. It wasn't like a video. Oh. So it's probably on their Instagram or something. Netflix or his? I don't know. But I just saw it and I was like, that's a fucking joke. Well, Norm always said, play dumb. Be the dumb guy in the room. Even Norm's like reading Dostoevsky and shit, pretending to be an idiot. Right.

But then, yeah, they'd fucking, no, it doesn't matter. It's probably, oh, look at that mug. Look at that dumb mug. There it is. We do laundry very differently. She'll read the labels and I'll wash a rug and a suit together. It's a great line. It's a great line. It wasn't the one I was thinking of. It's another good one.

Damn, is there another? There it is. There's one. I don't know anything about history and I can tell because every history movie I watch, I watch in the edge of my seat. Gold. That was it. And that's like a joke where you're like, oh shit, that's like a perfectly written joke, but that's just so... It's so conversational. You could say that at a bar. Yes.

He had a great line to tag to that is, I watched Pearl Harbor. Man, I was surprised as they were. Such a great joke. And it's so subtle, but it's so gold. Yeah, it's great. It's Fat Tim and Fat Joe. This scene almost made me turn it off right here. This reveal. Oh, that is the worst white fucking hairless piece of shit ass I've ever seen. And I've seen Jeff's face.

Oh, my God. That guy does not have an inch of hair on his body. It is injured. You could put your fingers in your mouth or his butt, and it would probably look the same. Yeah, exactly. Yes. And something would come out on either. Oh, is this Happy 2? All right, now we're just watching TV. We're not watching. Sorry. We'll get back to having a conversation. But, yeah, Nate, killing it. Killing it. Cool to see people that you just knew from back in the day just crushing. Yeah. Yeah.

And it shows that the work pays. Oh, yeah, Nicky did the Golden Globes. You heard she got advice from Gervais. Really? He had a great line. He goes, one...

You're not one of them. So don't try to fit in. Be you. Be a comic. That's good. Be biting. And two, just know when you go out there, they're not going to shut up. They're all talking and kind of milling about. There's a bunch of shit going on. Don't let that get in your head. That is a hell gig. It's a hell gig. But she will look good doing it. Oh, she'll kill it. And she'll put the work in. Like, she knows. Yes, she always does. You got to run this shit through the mud, dude. Oh, yeah. Like, I feel like even for our thing, we had a week to do it. We were up every night. Yep.

Four times a night. Oh, yeah. Riding at lunch, riding on the flight, riding in the clubs, in the back. And she's done roasts. She's done multiple roasts, and she always kills. So you just...

you know what you got to do. These are interesting too, because we could fuck, we're talking about rape and Diddy and Stephen Hawking. You kind of have to clean it up on these, but she's going to find a way to be biting still, which is, I think one of her wrong points. And that's a fun challenge. It's like, man, I would love to do a clean one sometimes just for the challenge. Yeah. Yeah. Because you still have to have, like, Nikki's going to be edgy still. It's like when you see a good comic, like,

Like, look, 30 Rock was on NBC, but those are like biting jokes. Oh, I love that show. You know, like Ryan Hamilton, if you don't know his comedy, great clean comic. Yeah. He's got so many great clean comics. Killer. I mean, we're talking about Nate. We've had Regan on here. We've had Gaffigan on here. Yes. I mean, Tom Papa. Great. Ryan Hamilton got hit by a bus. He's got 30 minutes on. It's all gold. I know. It's funny because the comic part of my brain is like, I wish I got hit by a bus.

There is that fuck, because obviously I don't, but there's like, fuck, I'm in a writing drought. That's true. Yeah, you need something to happen. You need something to happen. You are waiting. But then also, it's on us too, because comfort is like the enemy of creativity. So true. We've moved into nicer places. Yes. Our careers have gone good, and now I don't want to, I have to force myself to leave. I used to be excited to go on the road. Right. Hotels were so much nicer than my apartment. Right. And even shitty hotels. Oh, yeah. You know, it's like-

But then you get comfortable at home. It has to still be a treat. You know what you need? What? Because we both have comfortable homes. You need a wife. Now I'm out again. Now I'm like, all right, I got to get out. That's the key. And now you're going to have a kid coming on the way? Oh, I'm never going to be there. But I do... I still am excited to go on the road because I do feel like, all right, I'm going to get shit done. I'm going to work. Yes. And that's exciting, knowing that I'll...

maybe get one new bit yes that's you and you're like left alone you can write and like no one's gonna bug you you don't have a podcast to do you just in that hotel room in that coffee shop working can i can i run a bit by please so this is just an idea i don't know where the joke is perfectly but i said it last night it got something i was like all right it needs more but

you know, talking about like healthcare in this country, like I'm not, obviously not defending what Luigi did, but we all kind of get it. Yeah. Like protesting doesn't do shit. Right. So I'm not saying it's okay, but we all get like, even if you have insurance and you're getting ripped off, it takes what? We found someone in your network, you need a referral, it'll take six months. Okay, I can buy a gun today. Yeah.

Good point. So it's like, at a certain point you get angry. I think that's the anger. That got to pop. I'm like, there's something there, right? Yeah. Maybe guns are easier to get than insurance. That's the whole meat of it. Do you have a waiting period? Not federally. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't believe so. I think that used to be a thing.

Okay. Two guys who don't have guns talking about guns. No, or health care. But like, it is funny. It's easier. Like, I wonder if more people have guns or health care. That's an interesting. That's a good question. I guess if you have a gun, you don't need health care. Federal law does not require a waiting period.

Yeah, all right. Who's the first guy to walk into a hospital and they go, yeah, sit right there, sir. It'll be a couple hours. And he's like. John Q. Oh, yeah, John Q. I feel people made that comment. I'll noodle with that. But there was something there. When you get that first bite, I was like, all right, that laugh means something. Yeah, yeah, I like that. That's big. And talk about timely. Yeah, hopefully it stays. I think that story is going to stay relevant. Oh, yeah. He's in the trial. That's all going to keep coming up.

Nathan McIntosh had a good angle on it too. I've heard so many of the just like, he's hot and you're like, all right, he needs more. Yes. Well, what's his angle? I forgot it, but it's probably on Instagram. McIntosh, underrated. He's fucking funny. Good comic, always unique takes and different angles. Yeah. Check him out. It's on his Instagram, I think, or maybe Twitter or something. I don't know. But yeah, he's a funny guy. Is this anything? And this is talking about a half-baked idea. Oh, this is it.

They offered $10,000 for information. On the killer, $10,000. A billion dollar company offered $10,000 for their CEO. That's like if somebody killed my mom and I offered you half a penny to find the killer. Wait, I don't get it. I missed the beginning. Somebody helped find the killer on my mom, I'll give you a bite of my sandwich. He said the company's worth billions and they offered $10,000 to find the killer.

Oh, I see. That's funny. That's hilarious. Great angle. What was your bet? That's great. The sweater's a problem, but a great bet. We love you, Nate. Good stuff. Is this stupid? I read some stat. It said women...

98% of women can't keep a secret. You know, like that's like one of their flaws. Wow. And I thought that might be why there's so few female serial killers. It's not because they're better people. It's just because they're like, where were you on the night of 15? She's like, well, all right, I killed four guys. They can't keep it in. Yeah, we can gab and be quiet. We can kill and be quiet. You feel women murder and you need to gab about it. Yes, yes, you got to gossip.

And I thought the funny part could be she's in the confession and she's like, well, I went out to kill this guy. Then I realized I needed milk. All I had was soy milk. There's a lot of sugar in soy milk. And the guy's like, get to it. Just kill me. Yeah, there's something funny, too, about you murder people and you just have to get it out. Yes. Talking to a friend, they're like, I met a guy the other night. He's like, I met a guy, too. What happened next? I shouldn't say. Yes, yes. Come on.

It's me. There's something really funny about that. I didn't know where you were going. Yeah. Going CIA. Oh, right, right, right. But like murder is funnier. Yeah. Women can't keep a secret. How many female serial killers have there been? Right? It's like. It's very few. Very few. Especially famous ones. I know we got Monster. Monster. 16%.

Wow, women only do 10% of the murder. It's usually a domestic thing, too, I think. That's true. But that's the thing, too. Look at Luigi. Good-looking guy murders someone. Wuornos, a monster. Not exactly making my dick hard. Yeah, yeah. We're not standing outside. We'll be there when you get out. Right. Well, if a girl's hot enough, she can get a guy to kill for her. Ooh, look at that. Wow. Right.

That is amazing they got Charlize Theron to play her. I know. These are the casting people. They're like, you want to get someone who's maybe a good character actress? They're like, nah, just Ugg up. The hottest woman in the world. What does it say about America that we're like...

Okay, I want to be taken seriously. I got to be ugly. She wants to win an Oscar. You can't win an Oscar if you're hot. Oh, this lady's asking for it. Look at this fucking knife. You know who was pretty hot, though? She was not a serial killer, but remember Jodi Arias? Oh, yeah. I had a bit about her back in the day, about how her boyfriend...

She stabbed her boyfriend 30 times, shot him in the head, and all because he broke up with her. And women are always like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face? And I'm like, that's why. I'm going to stick to text. Yeah, she's kind of got a Bobert vibe. She looks crazy. She does. Nice lips. Damn, you broke up with her. Yeah, I did.

One time a friend of mine, he cheated on a girl and she was like, why didn't you just dump me? And he's like, well, I still want to go out with you. I just wanted to fuck this other person. And she's like, well, just break up with me if you don't want to fuck, if you want to fuck other people. And he's like, but I always want to fuck other people. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, that is a tough thing. It's a tough one. I had another bit I was working on like that where it's like my girlfriend asked if I wanted to fuck other people. And I was like, of course. And she goes like, what?

And I was like, well, you don't want to sleep with other guys? And she goes, no. And I was like, well, you're always commenting when a guy is attractive. And she goes, that doesn't mean I want to sleep with him. And I was like, okay, well, that's fucking weird. That's weird. It's like if I see a movie trailer and it looks amazing. I'm not like, man, that looks incredible for another man. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, of course. It's like food. You want to eat all the food. It looks good. Yeah, it's...

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. I'm just saying this is what I want. Of course. But then you have to, you really have to, it hurts to, they want honesty, but then, well, then don't ask questions that you know are going to hurt your feelings. I know. That's true. No, I don't even look at anyone else. Yeah. Of course we do. That's why I never got that whole, that's another thing with ladies I don't get is like the happy wife, happy life. Like, what is this, a dictator? Like,

I'm terrified of this woman. If she's not happy, my whole life is ruined. Like, some people aren't happy all the time. Like, why? This is on me now? Yeah. Suck up. Get your shit together. That is a whip talk. That's also, like, kind of...

It's like the old 90s sitcom. Yes, yes. Whatever you want, honey. I thought this was like a partnership. I know, I know. What the hell? Happy wife, happy life. When I heard that, I was like, I'm never getting married. Also, so my happiness is now dependent on her happiness. Exactly. I've dated people who have severe depression. It usually starts after they date me, but still. Ha, ha, ha.

No, but that's insane. It's insane. And you're treating them like a kid. It's like, oh, the toddler is unhappy, so she's screaming all day. You're like, well, get it together. If you're unhappy, suck it up. Go to work. Figure it out. Wise is on me. That's fucking stupid. It's stupid. It's a little misogynist-y, too. A little bit. Yeah. Because you're like, it's like fake ass kissery. Right. It's like those people that post the pictures with their wives all the time, and you know they're miserable. Yeah.

Yes. We all know those couples that they're like hanging on by a thread. Overcompensate. And they're doing the posts because they're like, no, we're good. See, I'm showing you that I'm not going to leave because I'm showing the world that you're mine. But it's like, yeah, but. Hand in hand with the people who spend $8 million on a wedding, they get an elephant and they get like a three ring circus and all these guys doing the fire and the crazy food and the band. And then they break up in a year.

Oh, God. Because they put the love into the wedding. They don't put the love into each other. It's showy. It's showy. It's not real. It's like if you felt secure in it, you wouldn't have to do all this. Right, right. It's the guy who's like, I love pussy. No straight guy talks like that.

It is kind of like a gay dude who is acting how they think straight dudes act. Yeah, yeah. Just hanging around like, man, you know what fucking rocks? Pussy, dude. Right. Love pussy so much. Yeah. Just like, do you? Remember that 40-year-old virgin? He's like, oh, tits, yeah. Oh, it's like a bag of sand. Yeah.

Although fake tits can feel like a bag of sand. That's true. That's true. You ever touch it when they don't move at all and you're like, that's fucking... I mean, they look better than they feel. Yes. They look amazing, but then you touch them and you're like, it's a little too hard. Boy, ain't that the truth. That is true. Sometimes they get a little too floppy. You want that middle ground. Yeah, that's true.

It's like pizza. You don't want it to just be totally stiff, and you don't want too much flop. Right, right. You want it in the middle a little bit. Yes. Like a hint of flop. Hint of flop. And like a pizza, I dab it first. Then I stick my face in it. Sorry about that one, guys. I love my wife's got huge cans, and I love trying to get them both in my hand. That's a fun move. You know, you try to just finagle. And they're even bigger now because of the pressure. That's true. Are you bummed that they're going to lose a lot? I mean, they're already...

Well, they were already huge, and now they're like crazy huge, so I'm fine with back to huge. Is it fun having sex with a pregnant woman?

I don't know about fun, but it's different. You've got to maneuver more. The other night I got too into it. You just kind of go nuts during sex. And I was on top, and she was like, what are you doing? You're squishing the baby. And I was like, oh, jeez, you're right. I was just on top of her like missionary with a fucking pregnant belly. I didn't even realize it because I was so...

keyed up you know fucking worse than six months of your fucking and she's like you're squishing the baby by the way I got this one the other night there's a big difference between pull my hair and you're on my hair isn't that weird like I had an elbow on the hair and she was like ah but then if I pull the hair she's like ooh I'm like what's the difference pull the hair yeah it's gotta be on purpose yeah

That's funny. You're on my hair. You're pulling my hair. Damn, that's crazy you're going to have a kid so soon. I know. It's like 25 days. Oh, my God. That's amazing, though, man. Yeah, it's exciting. You got the setup for it now. You're built for it. You got the foundation. Yes, yes. Very exciting. And what's nice is when the kid comes out, we can stop.

talking about the pregnancy. All I hear is pregnancy. I know. And I get it. It's a big deal and she's going through a lot, but it's a lot of... Cool shoes. Oh, thank you. These were a Christmas gift. New Balance. You're like the New Balance guy. I love New Balance. I walk everywhere, so I need a comfortable shoe. Yeah, they look comfy.

What do you think? It's kind of a throwback. That's why I like them. Yeah, me too. $5.50. They're a little too white right now. Yeah, but you'll dirty them up. Yeah, this city will do it. By the way, what's going on? It's like 60 degrees outside. I know. What the hell? I don't know. At least we got a touch of snow. I got that cold plunge turning into a block of ice outside. Really? It's busted. Are we still getting those new ones? Yeah. Ooh.

I need a new one. I think it all melted today. Wow. And I... Is it leaking? No, it's not leaking, but the thing...

The thing won't turn on anymore. Yeah, 56. Look at that. 56. I usually have a jacket for little kids. Oh, yeah. Dude, her dementia is getting so insane. Really? I mean, it's kind of funny. She's in such deep sleeps all the time, so I have to wake her up. I'm going to take her out to pee and stuff. So I have to be very gentle with her. Yeah. And then she'll turn around and give me a look like, who the fuck are you? Oh, boy. And then just attack. Whoa. I mean, I don't want to...

tempt her here but she you know you have to really get her up yeah but her attacking is hilarious because she's fucking nine pounds right so it's like she's just like ah i'm like yeah it's not scary what about the bite is the bite the heart four teeth okay you're fine if every once in a while i get like the two teeth that work yeah i'm like that didn't feel great but you're basically living with a meth head two teeth and turn on you at any moment you know

Wow, that's crazy. She's a little meth head. My ex-girlfriend had a chihuahua. It was the most cunty, annoying dog, yappy little chihuahua. She's got like one-fourth chihuahua. That's why she's the cuntiest dog ever. Such a cunt. But the crazy thing about the dog is...

We had like a weird tumultuous relationship, love-hate. Sometimes she'd be like, this is great, we're hanging out, I got her like a baby, and she's licking my chin, great. And then sometimes I would be nervous to pick her up, and she could feel it. And then she would snap. She was like, and I would drop the dog.

Oh, she's back. Oh, there we go. Yeah, dude, those dogs. There's a trainer at this gym I go to, and he's this jack guy just walking around all cocky, and his chihuahua just follows him everywhere. Just the funniest thing to see a huge guy with a dog this big. That's true. And the dog picks up on your personality, so the dog is kind of cocky. Yes. Well, I'm like, no, this is not. That's adorable. Yeah, you got to come home. This thing's going to be taking apart a vacuum cleaner.

Dude, last time I brought her in here, she had some fucking bad diarrhea. She was diarrhea-ing all over the street. Yeah. But she's all right now. Yeah. She's so old. You just want to make sure she's all right. But funny, her face is so funny. She just cheers people up. I saw this grumpy-looking guy in the street, and he looked down at Winnie's face, and he just smiled. Ha! Like, that is the power of a cute little pup. That's the tongue. Yeah.

That tongue, it gets you every time. Look at that thing. Dude, a sweet cat, man. Oh. A nice animal at home? Huge. Come on. A home needs an animal. Like, we were just in her in-laws, and there's no animals around, and you're like, this is kind of boring. There's no energy in the house. It's nice to have a creature roaming around. It is. The only thing is, you've got to get, like, a Roomba or something. That hair is fucking everywhere. Ah, we just got a Roomba. It's crazy, right? It's crazy, the amount of hair. But I don't love the Roomba. I've got to beef with it. Because you've got stairs now. Yes.

But it's not picking... I watch it go over a paper clip and it won't pick it up. You need like a Mexican Roomba. You need one that works harder. Yes. A Roomba. That's what I need. Dude, I don't even have one, but I've been told to get one, but I've heard that they... It's like...

crazy the technology because they learn the pattern of your home yes so they so they you know first they're kind of figuring it out but then they just kind of know where to go yeah that's crazy that's impressive and they know when to charge so it just goes back yes it goes back to the home it is cool technology it is it is fun and it's you feel like you're doing something i'm watching tv with the roomba on i'm like i'm cleaning

You know? Well, and they have a mop version now, too. What? I don't know if it works as well, but they have a mop. I'm looking into it. I'm like, this is cool. I would get one. I mean, I have one. They're pretty nice, but I do think it could be better at picking shit up. Yeah, well, it's just harder now that you've got the multiple floors. I know. That's how you know it's not Mexican. It stops at the border. It doesn't go to the other rooms. But it's pretty impressive. It'll hit the stairs, and the stairs are just going down, and it stops. So it's definitely as good as scanning.

Wow, the mopping. That's incredible. I was talking to Salacuse who's not here today and you know

He's a great movie guy. He's always seen movies. Oh, yeah. You ever see Brian De Palma's Body Double? Oh, it's been a while, but I've seen it. It's like Rear Window meets Vertigo. Yeah. But just kind of pornographic. Hell yeah. It's insane. Oh, Melanie Griffith. Whatever happened to her? She was hot. I mean, yeah. She's like the hot chick in so many movies. Yeah. Her daughter is that actress, Dakota Johnson. What?

Oh, yeah, with Don Johnson. Yeah, she's... Dude, another great one with her, Something Wild, if you've never seen... This one, I can't give it a full record. It's too weird. I like it a lot, but I can't give it the rec to our... Lake George is my rec for the week. Yeah. But, man, it's fucking... I thought it was fun as hell. My girlfriend hated it. It does look super weird. It's weird as fuck, but I just... It's just fun. It's like 80s in this crazy way. I don't know. Yeah. And De Palma's so fucking... His movies are always fun, man. Oh, yeah. But, uh...

Yeah, I was texting Sal Cusin, of course, he fucking was like, that's one of my favorites. Oh, of course. You ever see Something Wild with her? That's a great one. No, I never heard of it. That's an underrated one. Leota's incredible in it. Something Wild. Oh, yeah, I remember this. Yeah, it's really good. Jeff Daniels.

How about Milk Money? Never saw that one. But was that her tits? Yes. Those movies were her tits. Ed Harris, yeah. I think I had a friend who, when we were 13, he was like, that's in my jerk rotation. I'm sure you can find the tits if you really do some finagling there, Peters. Salacuse would have had it bookmarked already. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she was just sexy in so many movies. Oh, come on. Jesus Christ. Oh, my Lord. Milk Money. Damn. Those are real.

Yeah, looks great body. Great body, nice face, good head of hair. Yeah, pretty lady. Yep. I think she was banging Antonio Banderas for a while. Yeah, I think they were together. She's in another one with Harrison Ford that's supposed to be good. I didn't see it, but I forgot the movie's name.

She was kind of like a trashier Meg Ryan. Yeah. You know? A little more like Meg Ryan, but she'll show some clam. Yeah, more sex appeal. And Meg Ryan's a little more girl next door. Yeah, hers would be called, you've got male genitalia all over you. There we go. Count it. Hell yeah. Oh, the right move she's in?

That's a fucking great movie. I don't know. Hackman? That's a great fucking... Dude, Arthur Penn directed it, who did Bonnie and Clyde. Oh, wow. It's awesome. All right. Awesome movie. I'll check. We're getting some good movies today. A lot of movie. I mean, look, it's the holidays. I'm not doing shit. I'm doing sets at the Cellar, but these holiday crowds are taking years off my life. Oh, dude. I did three last night. It was drunks top to bottom. I did a 6 p.m. show. This woman is so fucking hammered. And I got to say, she looked great. I thought she was like...

In her 30s. She was like, oh, we've been married 40 years or something like 40 years. And I was like, 40 years? Yeah. How old are you? She goes, 62. Couldn't believe it. Looked incredible. He looked old as shit. Yeah. But she looked... Wow, good for him. Good for him, man. Wow. She was hammered, so not entirely good for him. There's something about this. Between Christmas and New Year's, there's this weird limbo of the year and everybody's getting fucked up and fat and... Because they're around family. Yeah.

The Christmas to New Year's week has got to be one of the hardest drinking weeks of the year because you're around family. Think about how you are when your family shows up. I love them, but they say one wrong thing that triggers some childhood thing and I'm like, where the fuck is the scotch? Yes, totally. Scotch and cookies. I need some vice. Give me every vice you got. Trying to numb yourself. I know. It's so true. Dude, when we were at

the roast and we were just there for four hours on thing I remember when we were like they brought us a scotch at like three hours and then we just downed it oh yeah or a bodega cat whatever they brought us and then we're like alright we need more and Miss Pat's like what the fuck is wrong with you guys and we're like you realize oh shit that looks crazy yeah true

But you're like, no, we just need to get fucking hand. That sounds worse the more you say it. No, we just need to black out to forget this night. Well, we worked our balls off for like a full week, you know, going to bed at midnight, waking up at nine, going to breakfast, writing all day, doing sets all night. I had like jokes on the brain. It was like fucking Good Will Hunting. You want to shut down. You want to shut down. It's like a computer that's been on for a week. Yes. You just want to shut it down. Put the sleep on. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Tick tock.

I threw it up on TikTok. Yeah, yeah. My guy does the TikToks. I hate TikTok, man. I post and I get the hell out of that. I don't even watch it. I hate it. I will say, young people are really good with TikTok. That's why you got to do them all. I know. But my lady will be in Barcelona. And I'm like, what should we do today? She's like, hold on. And she'll TikTok it. And it's like top 10 things. And they're all great. Really? So yeah, TikTok is good. Young people know how to work it. I'm too old and gay. Okay.

Uh-oh, don't pull up Stamos. I'm so glad you were there, Peters, because you got to see, you know what the hell we're talking about. Yeah, you got to see how the sausage is made. Not as fun as it sounds. Yeah. I guess watching a sausage get made doesn't sound that fun. It's a strange expression. That is true. That is true.

Damn, I've been rewatching some Bourdain Before Bed, too. Oh, I love it. Great before bed show. Great to just have on. That's like my go-to to have on while I'm fucking with a Roomba. Yeah, love a Roomba. Yeah, any peeves?

Well, let's see. I had the one about the Din Law dad doing like, the pipes are a little off here. Oh, that's shaky. So I had to go through the house with him, but he was taking notes. I had a guy do that at my place recently. It drove me nuts. Yeah. Where he was just kind of dissecting what's wrong with each room, and it was like my friend's friend. I was like, I don't even know you. I know. Insane. And he goes, are you writing this down? I was like, yeah, yeah. And then after a while, he's like, you getting all this?

And I'm thinking in my head, like, once you leave, I'm never going to think about this again. Like, I know this is the biggest thing in your world right now, but I'm never going to fix any of this. That's the hard thing is understanding people's love languages where you're like, well, this is not – he probably thinks he's being really helpful. Yeah. And that's how he's showing affection to you.

You're like, this is what you need, but you're like, no, this is just annoying. I know. What is your love language? Because I don't even know if I have one. Probably food and experiences and stuff. Food. Yeah, we'll get good meals and stuff, making sure you're like, oh, we should eat at this place or something. But I think there's five of them to choose from, and you've got to pick one. Well, if that's not there, I might not have a love language. Yeah, well, I think we all have to have one, right? Give me the list of them, because it's like touch. My girlfriend's just buying me shit, and it's like,

When you live in Manhattan, people giving you gifts begins to get annoying because there's a lack of space. Yes, exactly. But that's her love language to you? Or that's how she feels? Like, how does she feel loved? Oh, that's interesting. Okay, there we go. Words of affirmation. Compliments. Compliments and other ways to express. See, that's funny because I've dated girls who are like, well, you're all talk. Oh.

Because some people say, oh, wow, I feel love. But that does, at a certain point, you can't be like, you're beautiful, baby. They're like, shut up. Yeah, that's true. Okay, quality time, spending time together. I think a lot of ladies have that one. Prioritizing eye contact and active listening. That's a tough one. Tough. Because some of you ladies are gabbers. Oh, yeah. And I can listen to a certain point. But I'll tell you this. I have friends going on dates all the time still. And I have a friend go, I'm going on a date with, you know,

They don't ask you a thing about you. Yeah. It's weird. That happens. Maybe that's young people. I don't know. That's a type. Maybe he's just picking out vapid people. Right, right. Physical touch, intimacy, and acts of affection, like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. I feel like that's probably a lot of people's. Yeah.

That's my penis's love language. Well, my friend has that. He's a big tough guy, but physical tough. He goes and gets massages and stuff just because he's like, I feel lonely. Not even because I want to feel massaged. I just want to be touched. Interesting. Which I don't have that at all. You shouldn't tell that to the masseuse. Yeah. I'm lonely and sad.

touch me it's my love language acts of service doing things to make your part that's big chores cooking well that's like the show me don't tell me yes so that makes sense that makes a lot of sense like uh i'm gonna do this for you or instead i did this for you yes yes receiving gifts we already discussed that's not it so which one of you you think

Probably doing, I would probably, I'm not great with chores, I'll be honest. I'm a slob, but it's my place. Probably physical touch. Oh, really? Like, that's what I do for them. Oh, okay, okay. I'll eat your pussy. Yeah, sure. Yeah, no, I don't know. Yeah, physical touch, acts of service probably, quality time. I think those are like a little bit of each probably. How about you? I'm probably service all the way. Time, I don't want to hang out.

Words of affirmation. I'll talk. I'll be in the room with you, but I do have my noise-canceling headphones on. I'm trying to work a lot. Yeah, yeah. You should be watching some shitty show I don't want to watch. Right. And I just put on the headphones, and I'm playing jazz, and I'm just trying to read articles and trying to write, usually. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if that's quality time. Yeah, but we're in the room. I want to be around, but I just... Patrice said that great bit. Yeah. We want you around, but we don't want you... We don't want you there, or whatever. That is...

I think I have a lot of comics feel. 100%, yeah. I posted a clip today that's blowing up. It's going viral about how men don't want to do anything. Women are like, we want to go to brunch and apple picking, and men, we don't want to do it. And women are always like, men are horrible planners. I'm like, well, we just don't want to do that. I know. So now you want me to plan a thing I don't even want to do. If I want to go to the Super Bowl, I'll make a plan. I'll get there. Yeah, it is fun.

finding common interest and just doing that. Otherwise, it's like, well, then I'm doing you a favor. Yeah, and paying, by the way. Exactly. Dude, I mean...

I've dated a lot of women who don't like sports, so I'd be like buying both tickets to the game. And they'd be miserable the whole time. I'm like, I could have just brought my friend who would have loved this. Exactly. And, uh, I'd have a way better time. Yeah. I'm like, we could do other stuff that you like. Yeah. But then sometimes there are people out there, they don't have a lot of interests. That's true. They just don't like anything. Yeah. I've dated people, I'm like, what do you like? And they're like, I don't know. Uh,

How do you live that way? I know. Aren't you curious? Like, nothing grabs you. No movie, no music, no food, no geography, no trips, nothing? Nothing. That's crazy. But, you know, you make a good point. Like, apple picking is, like, that's like...

That's a corny suggestion. Corny. I mean, I'm generalizing and throwing out a cliche just for argument's sake. But yeah, there's a lot of like jazz brunch or doing a pumpkin patch in the park. I'm like, ah, you go. I think I've seen this clip of you before where you, is it like on a podcast? Yes. Yeah, because it's,

I've seen this and you're like annoyed and you're like, I get home at a... Yes, that's it. Yeah. Dude, I relate to this so much too. I mean, especially as comics where you're like,

You don't want to get up... I'd have, like, you know, my parents would be like, your sister's having a dinner Sunday at 5 p.m. I'm like, cool, I'm landing Sunday at 4.13. Yeah. You're just like, fucking kill me. I know. And then they're like, oh, you're lazy. And I'm like, no, no, I just got back from the road. I've just worked my ass off. I did five hours of comedy over three nights. Oh, dude, I...

I don't know if people understand how tired you get from that shit. Like, I went to see a wrestling match the other day at MSG. Yeah. And I don't know how these pro wrestlers do it, man, because they're doing what we do while working out and fighting. Yes. It's all physical. I know it's not, like, real fighting, but, like, they're taking crazy hits, dude. They're flipping over and jumping off the ropes. Yeah, it's a lot of work. I'm, like, I can't operate the next day after, like, eating Chinese. No.

These guys are doing like backflips. Yep. And then some of them, the lower level ones, are driving to the thing. Oh. They're not even like on the charter plane. Brutal. Some of them are not even flying commercial. Like they're not making enough. I saw a video of The Rock and he was explaining like, you know, I make 150 grand a year, which like it's good money, you know, but I was wrestling 200 days a year. Wow.

Jesus. So you're not making even a thousand a night when your body's taking that kind of punishment. Yeah. Do they cover medical? I don't know. Because imagine those checkups. I know. That's got to add up. Plus the pills. I know. That's what I'm thinking. That's how they all get. People are like, they die young from steroids. I'm like, I bet a lot of it's drugs. Yeah. Like painkillers, muscle relaxers. Definitely. Especially as some of these guys get older and they're still, like Ric Flair will still like, not now, but like even a few years ago, you're like, that dude's fucking old. I know.

I know. I know. And he still drinks like a maniac. I know. It's kind of impressive. They provide insurance for wrestlers. Okay. Limited to injuries that occur in the ring. Ah, damn. Well, that's fair, I guess. Where else are you going to get an injury? No.

Bar fight? Bar fight or the gym maybe if they go too hard. Some wrestlers have expressed their frustration with the limited nature of WWE's health insurance. Maven, the first winner of WWE Tough Enough, said that he doesn't believe WWE would cover injuries that occur outside the ring. He also said he finds it crazy that wrestlers don't have a larger health insurance policy.

to cover the risks and pain they endure. I mean, you do see them doing some crazy shit. Crazy shit. And if I was a doctor, I'd use that. Like, oh, you want healthcare? You're not tough enough? You wuss. Maybe the next CEO shooter will be a pro wrestler. That's true, yeah. It's also weird. It's never like an old person. Like, I know this is new, but like,

If you're like an old person, you're like Bacala on that episode. You're on oxygen. You're not getting covered. You're spending the last couple weeks of your life being on hold, doing paperwork, not getting covered. That's the person you expect to kill a CEO. Yes, true. One last ride. He's like, I'm dying anyway. You don't even need a silencer. Yeah, hit him with a folding chair. That's how you know he's a wrestler.

Yeah, I guess, yeah, we got it made. And it's not even the physical labor, like the whole landing. I would do a thing where I would land at five and my ex-girlfriend would be like, when do you land? And I would go, uh,

8.30. And she'd be like, okay, well, I'll come over for 9. And I was like, all right, good. I'll land at 5. I'll get home by 5.30. I'll have a couple hours to decompress. And it wasn't even that I was spent from the weekend. It was just like, I need a minute. I don't want to just land a plane and just hang out.

Yeah. Especially if it's some boring activity. You need a little bit of isolation to come up with jokes too. And you don't want to be inconsiderate when you're talking to someone. You want to give yourself to them, but you have to also know your limitations. Right. I remember Louie once said to me like,

Great jokes are written in the abyss. You need the loneliness. You need the isolation. So true. And there's a part of me like, oh my God, I'm so happy I get to bring friends on the road with me now. Like it's an incredible life. But when I was a young headliner and you know, you're making not a lot of money, but it's your show. You're just in that part.

It is kind of cool that you're just on your own. Yes. That's when the brain can really go nuts and go into weird places. You're in a random coffee shop in like Tacoma. Yep. Yep. And you're just thinking jokes. Yes. And when you're with your friends, there's a lot, not small talk because they're your real friends, but you want to make sure you're not in too much of a routine. Yes. You're hanging out. That isolation is, it is good. Like think about how hard it is when you, you know,

for most people, for most of us, to go out without headphones.

go out without just not looking at your phone. Possible. I mean, I got bumped by a guy today, noise-canceling headphones, sunglasses, and on his phone, and it's like, there's so much he's blocking. Yeah, true. And that's a lot of people. That's, yeah, I'm guilty of that, too. Me, too. We all are. Yeah. I walk out the door, the headphones go in, and it's kind of sad that I need, but that's also New York, I wonder, you know, because New York has a lot coming at you. But if you're in another city, and you're in your car, you got something playing. That's true. I think it's,

That thing went viral about the raw dogging on the flight. Oh, yeah. But you see someone just doing that. It's crazy to be that. It's weird that that's impressive now. I know. People will go to a monastery or these silent retreats, and I'm like, it does take willpower, man. It's so sad. It's true. Well.

I was walking around my house today and I realized, oh, I've been walking around for like 30 minutes without a pod going. And I'm usually... In my home, I'm like folding laundry with a podcast going. You know? And it's sad that I used to just... In the 90s, I would just fold laundry. Yeah. Isn't that weird? It is weird, but I also... And you didn't think it was different. Yeah, but also sometimes...

Look, there's a fine line. Sometimes those podcasts are like educational. I'll listen to something like a history podcast or something political or even just comedy. You want to hear people bullshitting. But yeah, you need entertainment too. I'm just saying it is weird where we are now, the reliance we have and can't. I don't know. It's great. Will you ever break down your day?

In high school? Like, think about high school. You'd wake up at 6.30 in the morning, whatever it was. You see your mom. You eat breakfast. You pack your books. You get your outfit on. You go to school. No headphone, no nothing. You see your friends. You bullshit with your friends. You go to class. You go to recess. You play physical activity. Then you go to gym, basketball, whatever it is. Then you leave. You go to track or whatever the hell sport you play.

hanging out socializing all day no phone no screen then you come home you watch a little tv do your homework and then go to bed that was your screen time the tv that was it yeah a spider-man cartoon a three right right like and your parents are like you're getting dumb yes screen you're like i only did 30 minutes i know and you crack a book for 10 minutes you pretend to work eat dinner jack off you jack off you go to bed like that was your life and i could never do that now and that said that was a

normal American childhood. Yeah. And now I'm like, whoa, I gotta have a pod going. I gotta have an iPhone. I gotta have an Instagram. But everything's on this phone now. So, you know, you could miss a work thing if you're not. So part of you like feels guilty neglecting this device. That's true. And you also use other shit like like there's

Where you have your work is also where you have your guilty pleasure. Right. That's a dangerous combination. Yeah. It's literally like if you ate a meal, every meal you ate was at McDonald's and you could eat other stuff there too, but there's always a thread of French fries. They're just like right there. Yeah, right, right. Poof.

yeah how are we gonna do it how are we gonna get by we got a lot of life left you just gotta force yourself to not look like keep it in the other room every once in a while right there's windows you don't have to look yeah you go to the gym you can you know you can bring i i went to the gym without my phone recently it was out of battery and i was like yeah fuck it i'll just wow and it was hard it's hard i'm impressed it was really fucking hard that is damn good but i bet your brain went to some places i bet you decompress some shit

Yeah, sometimes you do. I don't know if I think I was just like on a treadmill like this fucking sucks. I don't think I had anything that way. That's true. Yeah, well, I think like, you know, the wife's pregnant everywhere we go. She's getting free plane upgrades. She's getting free meals, getting free dessert. People love a pregnant lady. Give it. Here's my seat. Skip me in line. All this free shit.

I think it's because it's the last thing that's still natural that we do. Everything else is like Uber Eats and Netflix streaming. It's all like easy LASIK surgery. Everything is like built to help you. And this is like the last thing you got to suffer through for nine months. It's going to come out of your clam and ruin it. And it's going to be painful. But you got to do it. And I think that's part of why pregnancy is so impressive. That's a good point. The baby's going to come out, though, and just go wah. I know. And you're going to hand it a phone. I'll be like, all right.

Instead of the tit, it's going to want the phone. That's true. No, I think you're right, though. It is the last thing that we're really like, wow, that's like old. It is amazing to think what people have been doing forever. Yeah. Like, you know, having babies forever. Like, there was a period where...

babies often wouldn't make they wouldn't last yeah true you know like I think I took her out in the cold the other day when it was like 15 degrees how the fuck did pugs survive like 200 years ago I have she's out there for two seconds she's like ah yeah well I don't know if there were pugs back they were like Chinese emperor dogs dude oh is that right they've been around forever what how the fuck so I think about that all the time having babies back in the day yeah I mean how many of Lincoln's kids died that's true

Imagine if you just had a president now who's like, you're like, yeah, five of his kids are dead. Yeah. Be like, oh man, this guy's a horrible father. But yeah, it's true. Like, uh, you think about like some wolf would just steal a kid out of your hand in a forest in the middle ages. Also, you know, you're not supposed to give babies water.

Really? Isn't that weird? They can't handle water. It like drowns them internally. So you got to give them breast milk or formula. Weird. This is the thing I had to learn. I would have just been like, hey, come on, you fucking idiot. You got to dehydrate, you know? And apparently that kills them. He drowned. Yes. Smart water, dude. Baby intoxication, water intoxication. Intoxication. Yeah. I mean, this is all stuff you got to learn. It's crazy.

Do you have a lot of books? Books, podcasts. Yeah, I got to open those. But yeah, it's just all kinds of shit. If I grew up in 1808 and I had a baby on a farm, I would be trying to get it to drink water because I would think that would be healthy. Yeah. So it's wild that we survived anything. I think about that all the time. Crazy.

How to keep your baby hydrated. Look at that. There's so much to learn, but then you think about all the retards that have had kids and pulled it off. I know. And multiple kids, by the way. Yeah, you're like, we can't keep this thing alive. Yeah. I mean, come on.

Yeah, so we'll be all right. Yeah. Yeah, call in if you have any kid advice. Yeah, what's the email again? WeMightBeDrunkPod at Gmail? Oh, yeah. How do you kind of stop doing that? Do you have any kid advice? Send us some kid advice. Drop us a line. Tell us your baby horror story. And send some recs or peeves. We haven't done that in a while. It's kind of fun to do that. Yeah, send a video in with something you like. Yeah, I like that. And yeah, peeves are good. Send us some peeves. Oh, I got a peeve. Last peeve, and then we'll wrap this thing up. Yeah, yeah.

This is one thing my wife does. I'll do the whole, like, I'll be upstairs, and I'm like, hey, can you bring me, you're on your way upstairs? She's like, yeah, I'm coming up. But I go, can you bring me the scissors? She's like, sure. Four minutes go by. I'm like, what's up with those scissors? And she's like, oh, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Eight minutes go by. I'm like, I thought you said you were coming. What? You ever see these people do the I'm coming and they don't do anything? Yeah, my girlfriend in bed. I was waiting for that. Yeah, I just the I'm coming. And then they take like 20 more minutes. It drives me crazy. Just say I can't do it. Or say, can I do it in 10? I hate the false start. I'm coming. You didn't come. No, no. Be right there.

No, you're not. You're not right there. I mean, it's a huge peeve. Yeah, it drives me. Kids do that a lot. Coming! Don't worry, Mom, I'm coming! And then they don't show up. It's a peeve. That's a peeve for you. It's a good peeve. Very relatable. Just say you can't do it. Yeah, 10 minutes. Be there in 10. Yeah. All right. All right. When is this one coming out? We have no idea. We've got here in three weeks.

Oh, yeah. What do you want to do? Well, we did talk about, what do you do for New Year's, by the way? I'm doing nothing. Oh, that's nice. How about you? I think I'm going to do a dinner. Oh, okay. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, I was at the cello the other night, and Esty's like, you have to come for New Year's. I was like, I really just don't. I hate working New Year's. I hate working New Year's. We've graduated, I think. Yeah, that's, I think, like, a thing. That was one of the first things to go. When you're a young comic, you're like, oh, it's extra money. It's good. Like, I had nothing planned. I don't.

Shout out to any comic who's doing New Year's in a green room because I've done many and it's not that bad. No, it's not bad. I love working, but the crowds. Crowds are tough. You got to get drunk. That's the only move. You're just not. They're there for you, but they're kind of not. Yes. They needed a thing to do. Exactly. It's like a weekend times 10.

That crowd that I just, I, yeah, it's, I remember doing the three show nights on New Year's. Oh, I did that. Tell me. Did that at Chicago Zanies? Did that at Grand Rapids? Yeah, I did one in Spokane once. That was rough. Ooh. I remember there was just a table of a ton of people and I was like, man, you guys fucking hate me. And this guy's like, I'm sorry, I'm a fan. I'm like, oh, and you let them all down with your-

Oh, yeah. He talked seven of his friends into going, and they were like, this is not for me. Oh, that's the worst. And that's a lot of the things you get on New Year's. Yeah. You need the thing to do. I know. It's a horrible idea. I mean, look, go to shows, do whatever you want to do, but if you're an audience member and you go to a comedy club for New Year's, you have to sit and listen. I know.

I know. So it's not a great idea if you want to party. It's a big drinking night because it is like, a lot of people think it's like, it's my last hurrah. Yes. I'll be good the next day. Right. It is funny how many of us just start the new year though feeling like death. That's true. I love not, I'll have a couple drinks on New Year's and I'll make a couple cocktails or something. You ever done dry January? Yeah, no. I don't know if I can do it. No. Physically can't do it. Isn't that sad? I've been drinking, people give me shit the cellar the other night because-

I'm just used to having a drink there. So I'll ask the waitress, like, what's like a good healthy? And we're like, if you do this, I'll get this like, you know, chicken on a salad. And then I go in a Negroni and people just laugh. I'm doing this so I can have the drink. Yeah, exactly. I don't feel as guilty. Also, I get the joke, but one is fat and one is not fat. Like the drink is booze. One, the food is fattening. So they are a little different. But I get I get the joke.

Yeah. All right, folks. Well, Happy New Year, I guess. I guess. Let's do this weekend. All right. We'll do this weekend. And we got a bunch of dates coming up on the road. So what date is this coming out? Oh, baby. All right. I'm in Phoenix. And then Dallas. It's all sold out, but I'm worried because the baby, they always say it could come early. So the baby's like, I'm coming. Hopefully it's like the scissors. Yeah.

Then I'm in the Ryman and then Asheville, North Carolina. I'm making up a date. So there you go. Yeah, nice. I'll be at Liberty Township, Ohio, warming up in some clubs. I don't know what date it is. What is it? Yeah, the 9th through the 11th. Then I got Pittsburgh. Oh, no, maybe it's the 10th and the 11th. Pittsburgh, the 23rd through 25th, the improv, my last couple club dates. And then it's, you know...

A couple clubs on the run, but it's mostly theaters doing Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. It goes on and on. New Haven, Portsmouth. You'll go to my website, Toronto, Montreal. So many places I'm coming to. Yeah, you're scrolling like a motherfucker. You guys see? Every place. I'm basically coming to every city.

And if it's not there, it'll be there in the late summer or fall. Nice. And yeah, punchup.live slash Sam Morrell, punchup.live slash Mark Norman for tickets or just go to our websites. But the Punch Up thing is cool. Is this the full set? I think it is. Oh, cool. All right. I think I just saw it on yours too. Yeah. I just said whatever you sent me, I sent it right to Danny. Yeah. It's just kind of a fun little behind the scenes look at our row, some jokes that got cut. And yeah.

Yeah, we were figuring it out. It's kind of fun to see. Yeah, yeah. A little behind-the-scenes look. Maybe we should do a mash-up of all the progress so we can get all the clips, like the cellar, this. Throw it on We Might Be Drunk. Yeah. That'd be fun. Hell yeah. Why am I playing?

Please. I started a sketch comedy group. What? We're filming and writing and producing sketches on YouTube. Get out of here. No lobsters comedy. What is it? No lobsters. No lobsters. All right. Not fancy, but fun. Oh, okay. Check it out. It's funny stuff. I had no idea you were into sketch. I'm not an actor, but I like writing and directing. Wow. How about that? Man, we should have had Ben Schwartz way in, man. Yes. Yes.

No wonder you were pushing for him. They loved him, right? The people loved him. Yeah, yeah. Cool guy. Cool dude, nice guy, good chatting.

All right. Well, yeah, Lake George. That's a fun one. And love you guys. Bye, Bodega Cat. We're making a lot of progress here at bodegacatwishman.com. And keep listening to the pod. Some great guests coming up. Yeah. And we love you guys. Have a great and happy and healthy new year. And we'll see you soon. Yeah, I'm doing dry January. Just cocaine. There you go. All right. Thanks, guys. Sunday's an X-Fender. And Norman's talking shit about it.

This woman doesn't look