Ep 221: Are You Garbage - H.Foley & Kevin Ryan with Mark Normand and Sam Morril
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Hey, hey, folks. We're here. We're doing it. We're back in New York. It's 55 and sunny. It's glorious. Nice out, man. Yeah, I did 16 dates, man. That tour bus. I didn't tell you the craziest thing that happened to me. Did I even tell you this shit? I don't think so. I was in a Sprinter the first week. We didn't do a tour bus.

So, you know, I like to leave after the show at night. Sure. Because, you know, you wake up, you get a day in the city. Even though sometimes you get in at like 2 or 3 a.m., I'd rather just sleep in and do shit in the city I'm in as opposed to... There we go. I agree. And he angled it in my direction, too. There's no one there. You should have angled it there. Oh, you're right. I was on the wrong leg. There we go. So...

We take a sprinter, and there's two cars, one with me and Gary, another car with Brian and James. Brian's the tour manager, James films the shows. And we leave early, because we're like, you guys go ahead, we gotta clean up here. We're like, alright, we're going from Charlotte, it's the first fucking night, by the way, Charlotte to, I believe...

Richmond? It doesn't matter. It's not important to the story. I know I paused there. But the guy starts. Oh, here we go. Hey, what's up, boys? I'm mid-story. Sit down. Sit down. Let's shake it. I'm mid-story. I got a road story. Hey, look at this. Get in here. I'm in the middle of this story. It's the first week of my tour. We're in a Sprinter. We haven't run on the tour bus yet. We're in a Sprinter. It's me and Gary Veeder.

The driver, we're watching the movie The Substance on my computer to try to just stay awake. The driver fucking falls asleep at the wheel. Whoa, what? And he drives off the road. We're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he goes, sorry about that. Sorry about that. I'm like, are you good? Do we need to get you coffee? He's like, I'm good. I'm good. I heard the movie was good. It's a car again. It's not. It's not.

It's not. And the movie might have saved our life by not being good. Wow. Because he falls asleep again like an hour later. What? And this time he drives straight off the fucking road. We're in the wrong lane. And we start feeling the side of the road thing. Yeah, yeah. We're feeling it. And Gary and I hate this movie, The Substance, so much that it's keeping us awake.

If we weren't watching this movie, we're dead. Whoa. Because Gary, yeah, we're watching. We're like, what the fuck? We got to know what happens, even though we can't stand this. And Gary just grabs the driver and starts shaking him. We're like, wake up, wake up. And the guy's like, ugh. Pulls over. What time of day? Night, I'm sorry. Oh, it's like 3 a.m. at this point. And we left 20 minutes ahead of...

No, 20 minutes ahead of Brian and James who are in the other car. And they're like 20 minutes ahead of us because this guy's going. And he even said when he pulled over, he's like, I'm sorry I went so slow. We're like, no, the fact that you went slow means you're not dead. Sorry, it was my turn signal back there. Did you get rid of them the next day? Oh, we got rid of them that night. They pulled over and we just squashed all our stuff in another car. Whoa.

You know. Holy shit. Man, what a fucking hilarious review for the movie. That was night one of the road. I know. That movie saved my life. Mixed reviews. Just so you know, I would have gave it a GoFundMe. I like that. It's not real nice. I don't know. I'm not anonymous. I don't know how to brag about it. Throw that name in there, yeah. And what a horrible headline that would have been. Sam Morrill and little guy.

And Larry and Vitor. Sam Earl dies in Charlotte twice. I think about that all the time. We were on a flight with Susan Lucci. Whoa. Mama. Let me tell you something. 78 years old. Really? I would have made a move right there in the aisle. Oh, yeah. Unbelievable. Pull her. I haven't seen Lucci in a minute. I mean, she's eight for sure. But if that would have crashed, I wouldn't have said nothing about us. Looks good. Looking real good. Sweetheart, too. Really? You talk to her?

I said, you can go ahead. And she's like, oh, thank you so much. I helped her with her bag. He helped her with her bag. He was trying to show off. Excuse me, young, hot, strapping guys. I'm listening. Yeah, helped her with her bag. He would have been nothing. Proper rich woman. Sure. Look at that. She got cash. What is she, a pop star? I mean, a soap star? All My Children. That's the one. Since the 70s. I don't know what I know her from. Susan Lucci. All My Children. That's Elon's new show. All My Children.

Two I talked to. That's crazy, man. That's scary. You could have been dead. Oh, yeah. I thought you were talking about Elon again. It was not a good start, but I was like, you know what? Maybe it's a good omen we get this out of the way. Because you guys experience this more. The first night on the bus or something like that when you don't really know the driver. Yep.

Oh, no, no. We were in a sprinter van at this point. The first five days we did a sprinter van. But I'm just saying, when you don't know the driver and you hear those blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're like, oh, we're going into a fucking corner. You picture yourself going through like a forest. Like, I'm done. We were on the bus one night and we were, it was just some of these fucking city to city. You just get bad roads and they're like, it's bad roads. But we hit a pothole and we all, I woke up like, what the fuck? But then I was like, yeah, whatever. I just went back to sleep. Yeah. But I get a note from the driver the next day and he goes, uh,

Our man Jeff, he's the fucking best. He said, sorry about that pothole. And I was like, oh, I knew something happened. Yeah. Did you report this to the company or anything like that? I think he did. I think Brian did.

I was just happy to be out of there. You're just getting random guys. And we've always been like, hey, man, can you slow down? And they're like, no, I'm doing the speed limit. It's like you're doing 95 miles an hour right here. Nobody had a blow on him or nothing like that? You could have straightened the guy out? Good point. This guy used to drive Cosby, and I think he just... No, he clearly was doing too many shifts in a row or something. I don't know. Well, the good thing about the...

tour bus drivers is that's like very there's a lot of oversight right they have to turn in their journals and shit sprinter companies like limo companies they're just running and gunning that guy's probably working at amazon during the day and i'm being like i'll drive your van at night it's a good point that the but i mentioned it to our our bus driver jeff and he's just like the best guy and he was like a four hour drive he fell asleep that's nothing i was right but he told cool shit he tells you stories where he's like you can't shit in the

In the toilet on the bus. You've heard this shit, right? Of course. He can't poop in the bus toilet because it doesn't go anywhere. He can't hotbox it. I go, give me some names. Who's hotboxed the car with you? And he's like, don't get me started on air supply. Air supply? Are you shitting your bus? I'm all out of toilet paper. He mentioned Segura. Segura hotboxed it. Oh, really? James, our videographer, hotboxed it. Damn. Because I made the mistake of ordering Nashville hot chicken in Nashville. Oh.

And I ordered extra. The venue was like, get extra, get extra. So, you know, James had three hot chickens. Ooh. And he just, in the middle of the night, fucking hot boxed it. And I was like, you shouldn't have had three. Three? That's not a hot. That's a miscarriage. Peeing's one thing, but when you got a dump and you know that you're at least like 20 minutes, like there's nothing in sight, man, that's a cold sweat that you never forget. Yeah.

But back to these drivers are always a little off. There's always a diddle or a drug history or a prison time. There's always something. Bert's guy got kicked off for being anti-Semitic. Really? Yeah, he got in a fight with... Kicked off that tour too. Well, he put a word in. Yeah. But he was nuts. He tried to fight a guy. He was crazy. What did he say that was anti-Semitic? I think it came... I don't want to... Maybe I should bleep the name. But he said something and...

was like, "I'm Jewish." And he goes, "Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish, you fuckin' beep beep ba-doop-boop-boop."

And he bought a Kanye shirt. And we're back. That's all. I mean, we kind of, because we do long runs. We do like a week-long run, like one-nighters back to back to back. And we're living in these fucking sprinter vans with guys you don't know. Sometimes he's driving. I'll drive. You'll drive? If it's over, sometimes we'll just get a minivan. And if it's over, if it's under four, I'll do it.

Yeah, that's... I like driving. It's fun. We'll do a podcast and then it'll be fun. And we all fall the fuck asleep. These guys fucking suck. You put me in a car? He's out. I know, but you got to keep the driver company. That should be shotgun. He's typically shotgun man, but that should be the... That's the, you know... A shotgun guy's got to stay up for morale, I think. He's the first one out. He'll be up at the end of this.

But so we're to bypass all of this for this tour that's starting as we're like today, we're buying a fucking big conversion van. And we're going to use that like we have one of our buddies is going to drive it. And we're going to use that as like a tour bus like that's in Detroit.

What's a conversion van? Like a... It's a 2024... Oh, okay, okay. Now we're talking. No, not the mitzvah tank. Excuse me, sir, are you Jewish? Bird's eye will not drive that. I'm always so tempted to say yes just to see what goes on in there. No one's ever asked you if you were Jewish. Yeah, they do. Around Hanukkah, the kids come up to you in the park and they say you're Jewish. That's a lot of rugelach.

I always don't know. You got a kishkin. There I am. I'll tell you that. Holy shit. That's wild, man. But think about it. These truck drivers, they're in the same world. They're all these driver guys. The truck driver just got busted for killing hookers. You see that? No. Yeah, pull that. That was our guy. We loved him. This guy's everywhere. Yeah.

Look at that. These are the last things I want to watch before we go on the road next week. This is why I fly. I don't like the bus. Yeah, nothing bad's happened on a plane recently. I mean, those things are falling out of the sky. What is going on with this? There's another one popped down, apparently. Today? It's the new school shootings. I'm calling it now. They're once a week, and I stopped caring.

You should care. You're not going back to school. You're flying. Oh, yeah. Good point. I mean, it freaks... The one that landed upside down in Toronto? I saw something. It was a girl who had, like... I don't know. This could have just been, like, you know, propaganda on X. I don't know. But they were...

Which is most of it now. Yeah, I've They said she had like why it was a good they had she had very low hours Yeah, like over the the co-pilot who was like an 80 year, you know, he's in bed Not one of these guys like women shouldn't fly planes, but it is weird to me that they I am what the fuck are we? Well, they hate the women flying the plane. That's what's even weirder that they hid the I think they want the backlash I guess the end of crying game or something right little trick

That's what I call fucking my wife. I like it. Yeah, yeah. The pilot shit is scary. Something's going on in the skies. Something is going on. I knew, like, last run, I was like, this is too good. Something's going to happen. Like, it's too easy to tour. Right, right. And now, you know, you think how much we fly. Like, you gave, like, you have diamond medallion status on Delta. You're like a fucking daredevil now. Dude, it's crazy. That's the point. It's all low-rent shit, too. It's not like the engine blew up. It's like a tire blew up.

The hubcaps came off or something like that. What the hell is this? The window crank is broken. But now maybe when you get a delay, you're not going to be as angry because you're like, maybe they need to do something. Oh, true, true. Yeah. Sometimes they just fucking send you right up. We need Sully. We didn't know what we had. Yes. Sully was the man.

That would never happen again, though. Yeah, he got lucky. Yeah, he got lucky as shit. That was like a half-court shot at a basketball game. Got a big check. You ever hear him? He tells everyone. He takes control. He's like, everybody shut the fuck up. No. Sit down. I'm landing this fucking bird in the river. And everyone's like, what?

He's literally like, we need that guy with the salt and pepper. That was because of birds, right? Yeah. I mean, for fuck's sake. Birds. We're worried about getting attacked by another country and we're like, birds too. Take it right out. Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah. Now, do you see there's a spider bit a guy, bit a pilot. Yeah, that was flying, allergic to spiders, got bit by a stowaway tarantula. Yikes. DI is out of control. A tarantula? That sounds like spirit. Got fucking spiders? It was from Australia or something. How did that happen? I don't know. Got in the cockpit and bit him. Yeah. No superpowers either. I got screwed.

Iberia. Now, who the fuck is flying that? Yikes. We purposely, we went to, me and the bird went to Greece last year. Hell yeah. And we flew into Athens. Now, you could either take an eight-hour ferry from Athens to Santorini, or you can take one of their local...

Small mom and pop airlines. Oh, what do you do? Took the fucking fair. Me too. I did the exact same trip. Fuck. Really? Yeah. And, and, uh, eight hour. I'd take the flight. Dude, that's very rough. The Elisano Salada airlines. No, fuck. No, no. We felt the same way that,

That ferry, though, is rough. That was like you throw all your shit and no one's watching your shit. You're like, someone could just steal your shit. We got a room. We got a room. And they weren't any better. Yeah, that was rough. I could see that thing tipping over. But I wasn't flying one of those planes in the Santorini.

Really? Fuck that shit. A little puddle jumper? No. What? A propeller? Ryan Hamilton's got the great bit about... I need jet power to get me off the ground. You know the Ryan Hamilton bit about how he's like, how you take the Staten Island Ferry and you realize they just recreated the immigrant experience? Just get me to land. Yeah, that's a great bit.

Change your name when you get back to Manhattan. What? I live here. He's the guy who got hit by a bus. Yeah, I never really heard that whole story. Oh, you should hear his material on it. It's amazing. It was a shuttle, too, wasn't it? Wasn't it like an airport shuttle or something like that? It was. That sucks to land and then the shit happens. You got the scary thing out of the way. That's what they say. You have a better chance of getting in an accident coming home from the airport. Yes, it's like guns. They say you're more likely to get killed in a pool.

Then a gun. Really? Pull it up. I thought you were going to say more likely to use it on your partner than you are an intruder. Oh, that too. That too. We should meet my partner. Then you'll understand. Horrible shot.

I'm pretty sure pools are the number one for family members. Yeah. Did your parents force that into you when you were a kid? Don't ever dive into a pool no matter what. My mom scared the shit out of us. Really? Oh. 100 times higher than a firearm, but yet no one has any pool protests. Interesting. They put the gates up. That's true. You got to have the gates up. That's true.

That's the safety. Mm-hmm. It's also harder to get a pool than a gun. That's true. Very true. A pool's expensive. It takes time to build. Yeah. A gun, you could just get a gun. Hartman could have used a gun. Shot that lady. Yeah. Yeah. He got shot, right? No, no. Pool. No. No, he got shot. He got blasted by his wife. His wife killed him. No disrespect. Oh, wait. I thought he died in a pool. No. Who died in a pool? Fuck. Matthew Perry in a hot tub. Oh, yes. No one told him life was going to be this way. Ha, ha, ha.

Did you make the same joke? Hold on. Some say it wasn't the hot tub, it was the ketamine, but I see where you're going. Yeah, yeah. It's a bad combo, though. If he was drinking coffee, I think he'd be all right. Well, did Whitney Houston die in the tub? Yes, tub. Yeah. Tub on crack. Same.

No. Get out of here. We got to ban these tubs. Yeah. I think that's about to be a strictly shower guy. Do you guys think about that on the road? Like when you're in a hotel, like, oh, if I go in here, they'll come in and get me? Oh, yeah. John Panette died on the road. And I think about like that is a sad way for a comedian to go. Oh, yeah. It better be a good hotel. I'd die in like a La Quinta. Or a condo. Yeah. A comedy condo. You guys aren't still doing condos.

Sometimes you save a buck. Now you're dumb. He's a fucking liar. Dude, no, but you hear when comics die on the road and it's... I think about it all the time. There's been times... I've said this before. There's been times where, like, because he's typically up so early, me and him, we'll hit the air... I don't want to miss the breakfast. We'll hit the breakfast, just me and him, like, outside of the group chat. We'll say, oh, you up? And then...

There'll be times where nobody... Your you up is the hotel breakfast. Yeah. You up? Usually one of us will be down there scouting it out. Yeah, I already got eyes on it. It sucks. They got a waffle maker. Oh, I'm in business. And there'll be times where no one's heard from him and lobby calls like 10 a.m. and no one's... And I'm like...

There's times where we're tight and I'm like, man, I could have to go to the front desk. Oh, come on. Ship at his fucking fat ass. Don't say that. Sorry. Taft got stuck in the tub. Taft got stuck in the tub. Also survived the gunshot. What do you got? Breaking news. Plane crash. Mangala died of swimming. Really? Okay. Huh.

Where was he swimming after he got caught? Is that breaking news? This just in, 1979. Does anyone else have an issue with angel of death? Yeah. I don't like the word angel. Demon of death. Demon of death. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, he died in Brazil. Angel of death makes it sound like a good pool player or something like that. Good with the stick. Versus the black widow. How did he end up in a pool after he got caught?

Well, in Brazil, I think he got away. No shit. He fled. He's down in Argentina, probably. Oh, yeah. Sipping the Malbecs. Mm-hmm. No way Hitler didn't get out. Malbecs. That's a good fucking value right there. Yeah. Yeah. Love a good Malbec. That's true. Not a huge wine guy, but every once in a while, like, whiskey's my go-to on the road, but, like, every once in a while, you have, like, a bottle of wine or something. Can you drink whiskey with dinner? Yeah, why not? Really? I love it, yeah. That's amazing. A couple of rocks. What are you doing? You off the sauce? Uh.

No, we're drinking. Okay. Yeah. We were just at Austin for a weekend. You're drinking. You were there for a whole week? Yeah. Pretty long. That's a long week. It's a long week. Almost got thrown out of Three Forks down there. That steakhouse. Nice steakhouse. Embarrassing ourselves. We went day drinking at noon. The waiter's like, sir, you've had enough. Cut off. I'm the angel of death. You're going to die in an Uber pool on the way home. What?

Why did you get thrown out of? We did. We were just embarrassed. We were not dressed properly. We were drunk as shit. We were yelling at each other for what we ordered. Yeah. And it was just a scene. Yeah, but no, it was. Maynard, he didn't think so. Oh, that's a good time. You're cutting up. We were cutting up. Just, yeah, the other patrons did not appreciate our vibes at the time. Was it that or when he got up, the tablecloth was tucked in and he pulled all the silver?

It's funny. You were doing the dad thing where somebody would be like, oh, what's that? Can you pass me the butter? He's like, shut up. You're embarrassing us. We're all like, dude, what the fuck? That was way over the fucking top. That's you too. How much for the children? Whenever we're at dinner, Gary just goes, it's this guy's birthday to our tour manager, Brian. I hate that. And the first time we're like, haha. And now every time he does it, we're like, all right, we failed.

We get the joke. Yeah, yeah. You're embarrassing us. You might get a free dessert. Well, we were at a regular square four-top or whatever, and we ordered so many appetizers that they flipped the leafs out underneath us. Whoa, the leafs. At the table. So it turned to a circle table. Yeah, and I was in the aisle. Oh.

Oh, Leaf Garrett. It was bad. I love the Leaf. But we're still drinking. We're off the heaters, though. Yeah. That's the positive news. Cigarettes are fucking the coolest thing in the world. They are cool. It's the hardest thing to quit, they say, is the cigarettes. Yeah. Cocaine's pretty tough, too, to be honest with you. All right. Cocaine's harder to get, though. Cigarette, you can pop into the bodega. I would argue against that, too. You need a guy. Give me a call. What are you doing? That's true.

But I feel like cocaine's also the fear of that shit not being clean. Sure. We don't have to test a cigarette for fentanyl. I always had the idea, though, back in the day, if I did it, I would wait 10 seconds and I'd be like, well, if something was in it, you'd already be dead.

So you have the guinea pig of the group. Yeah, but I'm just saying, like, you know, after the first 10 seconds, you're like, I'd be dead already. I don't know if that's really the scientific method there that you're applying to the fucking, to the bumpskeys. That doesn't work with STDs either. I'm clean, go.

His dick still looks all right. Yeah. I have buddies that still, I'm like, guys, you gotta, you know, there are a couple of weekend warriors, you know, not comics. It'll do, you know, it'll do, it'll do a blow from time to time. Sure. And I'm like, dude, are you tested it? And he's like, nah, you know, and I'm like, he's like, I've been buying it from the same guy for like 15 years. I'm like, yeah, but he's not getting it from the same place. Right. Like that is, you know, it's such flawed logic, but people are out there just rolling the dice. Oh, we were in a blue room in, in,

you know, the Ozarks in Missouri and the guy, Springfield, Missouri, whatever, one of the guys comes back who's filming us and he's like, hey man, you guys want some blow? And I'm like, did you test it? Not that we're going to do it, but did you test it? He goes, no, the other guy did. The guest spot tested it. Ha ha ha!

He had a pretty good set. He's testing the crowd and the fucking blow, I guess. I like how you said you weren't going to do it, but did you test it? I'm doing a little window shopping. It's not a check spot for the checks. You have to check the coke. And if you die, we're good. God, remember check spots? Do it. I mean, those are like...

They're kind of over, right? No, they got them at New York Comedy Club. I still see them. Really? They're longer, though. They kind of do them at the end, and a few people kind of eat them a little bit. Yeah, I think they do four or five-minute sets after when the checks get dropped. I was always petrified of them. I never really did them. Tommy Cassidy...

When he first got up here, he was a fucking machine with them. He'd do them at Stand Up New York and murder. It helps you get an audience because I was always low energy on stage. So if I could get them during a check set, I was like, that's... When I was doing them on the road, though, you'd do the same thing, I think. You'd go into a story because you're like, all right, they're going to have... You're losing them now. They have to listen to the story. But then sometimes they'd just be like, fuck this story. And then get like two or three people and then everybody close out the checks. You'd kind of gather the audience back a little bit. Yeah.

For those listening who don't know what a check spot is, they actually give the check during the show.

Yeah. Sometimes they do it like, oh, we drop them 10 minutes before the end of the show. And it's like, they'll drop them at the end of the host. You're like, what the fuck are you doing? It's so quick. When you sell tickets, finally, you can start saying no checks, and they hate you for it. Because they're so weird thing. Yeah, I just want to get out. I got to fucking blow. I got to get to it. Yeah, I guess so. But I can feel a tension with the servers. But everyone's making more money now in the clubs when you're there. So it's not like the craziest thing.

That's true. It's another 10, 15 minutes, really. But yeah, the idea of dropping checks on the headliner, the guy they came to see, is so backwards. What are we doing? You're here to see that guy, and you're going to hurt his performance? That would always fascinate me, like watching, like, you know, back in the day, watching, like, oh, they're killing, they're killing, and then they get to it, and they'd be like, oh, the checks. And then they would kind of like...

They drop down Like a speed In their set And then they'd fucking Come right back And be killing them Like holy shit Yeah That's awesome Take a credit card What are we doing I know

No. Exactly. Especially when it's young people and you know they're splitting it like eight. If it's like an older couple, you know it's one card. Yeah. But if it's four groups of young people, you're like, ah, they're fucking... And are that many people running out? Like that happens. Exactly. It might happen once a show. And even once a show is not going to fucking sink the club. Yeah, we'll pay for it. Yeah. I'll pay for it. Yeah, I'm not doing that. That's not going to carry it away here. By the way, was that an old clip of that lady yelling at you that you posted recently? On Twitter? Yeah.

No, she was yelling at you at that New York comedy club. Yeah, yeah, that's old. Called you a piece of shit or something like that? I kept putting it on Instagram and it kept getting taken off for like, you know, bad words. You handled that very well. Oh, thank you. What did she say to you? Yeah.

It's on Twitter. It wouldn't, they got taken off Insta, but she just kept saying, I made a joke about OnlyFans and she was like, you're supporting sex trafficking. I was like, this is such a leap. You crazy twat. I thought we were sex positive. Yeah. See, she boos me. Doing pretty well. 747. Wait, what did I do? Indeed. Yeah. Zany's hoodie on. I'll wear anything for free.

Now they're booing her. That's a great feeling, isn't it? I know. The wheels are spinning. You're just like, say something funny. Great line. Yeah. Oh, thanks. I feel bad, but the language was a bit much. Now they're throwing her out. But I really want to reason with her. Jesus Christ.

I'm seeing red. You can't tell, but I'm so angry. It was a cute little Asian lady with a mask on. The little dance. I had that not long ago and did not.

put any comedy into it at all i kind of like was just like what the fuck yeah because it was it was a rough show there was a table of four that was there that was causing a lot of trouble and the host came out was like hey there's this table up front really rough they got them out and then i got up there and like the crowd wanted to laugh like i think eagle wit went on before me he got them back you're ready to go all that stuff yeah and then these two like college girls to the right were just whispering the whole time and i was just like what the fuck i

I'm like, we just got this nightmare out of you. Yeah. And you're doing this. I'm like, who the fuck raised you? Yes. And before that, I was doing like a fat guy mayonnaise joke. What the fuck is this guy talking about? You're stepping all over my cerebral bits. It was a pin drop. Salacuse, I just emailed you an email my agent sent to me from a show, from a woman hating me from over the weekend. And it's the worst one at the show you thought went, well, you're going to blur the emails, obviously, when this comes out, right, Peters? Yeah.

Did they throw those girls out? No, I kind of smoothed it over. Okay, nice. Actually, some lady in the audience smoothed it over and brought everybody together. Hell yeah. And then I apologized to them, and I'm like, I just want you to understand, whatever, having a rough day, and fucking walk in this bullshit. But yeah, they just stared at me like, what?

Damn. Which is the worst. Then all of a sudden, you're the asshole. Exactly. Exactly. But I didn't get the crowd on my side. Everyone has an off day. There's always some you look back on and you're like, I should have done that a little differently. Sure. But also, too, the raw emotion of it. You're a fucking human being. Yeah. I got feelings, too. I mean, that's insanely small. I can read it. I can read it.

I came to the show last night and I just have to say some of his jokes were disgusting and inappropriate. I'm from New Orleans and I love good comedy, but I feel like it was a waste of my time. I should have just went

To the parade. Sounds like it was written in the 1950s. It also sucks when you're like, shit, I thought that was a really good show. Yeah, well, you still got it, baby. Why did they send that to you? They sent it to my agent and he forwarded it to me thinking I would get a kick. And I did. That's funny. Why does the club send that? Just let that go.

No, it was the film where he sent it to my agent. My agent's email is in my Instagram. Oh, okay. From New Orleans, there's tits and dicks all over the street and homeless people and your jokes are too much. I love that. My shit was more offensive than a New Orleans parade? Yes. Do you know how fucked up those are? Man, I hope she gets run over by that terrorist on bourbon. Jesus.

Sorry, I'm from there. I like jokes too. No, I know. New Orleans also was like one night left. I was like, I felt like good about it. It's funny when you feel good about it because that's when you get. Yeah, that's true. I did one in Tampa once and the woman, it was when I was working out this bit I had about an alligator eating a baby. Oh, yeah. And it's funny because I think I did it all week in Albany and it got nothing. And then I was like, I think I'm going to drop this bit. And then I brought it to Tampa and it was like murky.

And I was like, oh shit, this is in the act. It's local. This woman left the show in Tampa and she just like, she took a picture of herself crying from the parking lot and posted it to their Facebook. This is what the comedian did to me. I was like...

It was a joke. My husband's an alligator. That's nuts. He's in prison. I had one this week. This guy messaged me. I didn't even tell you. It was from, like, last tour or something. He's like, hey, I remember when you bombed in Rhode Island. And this is what I'm like, dude, we haven't been to Rhode Island since, like, 2022. And I'm like...

I'm like fighting with him in my head. He's like, you were reading out of your notebook. Can you be more specific? Thanks for bringing it back up. Two years later, you can't let me down a C plus set. You know what I mean? What the fuck? The internet does that. You ever tweet something and then you're like, oh, I misspelled something. So you edit it. And then one guy has to go, I saw the edit. You come guzzler. And you're like, all right, I've

I spelled it wrong. Why are you mad at me? It's also so true about the beginning of the tour where your shit just progressively will get better and better because I was promoting dates and I was like, well, people always complain. Why didn't you come here yet? I'm like, well, the hour will be better when I'm in San Francisco or whatever. And he was like, so it's going to be a worse show here. I was like, technically, yeah, it will be a worse show. Go to the parade. In any facet of anything, okay, I don't know what it would take for me to send like a customer service email.

I don't know what they would have to do to me in any facet of life for me to send this strongly worded email. Hear, hear. I just don't know what it would be. Thank God for those people because they make the ratings accurate. Because if those people don't exist and you go to TripAdvisor or something, I'm grateful for those people. But yeah, I was in a hotel the first hotel I'd been in on the road and it had been like

you know, 12 or something days on a tour bus and we check in the hotel and I'm like, all right, I'll take my first non-venue shower in a while. Yeah. It'll be nice. And of course, there's like the hotel's under construction, the drilling's insane and I was like, ugh, I should write something and they're like, but of course I won't. That's crazy. It's crazy to actually write something. But restaurants, I will give you that. I walk in and get a bad crab rangoon and I'm gonna be fucking furious. You can eat crab rangoon for breakfast? Ha ha ha.

We stay at nice hotels. I'm not on trial here. Just staying at a PFJ. This guy bombed in Rhode Island. That was years ago. Dude, it's been living in my head. It's like shook me all week. I'm like, this guy's sitting at home for fucking two years. Worrying about one fucking tough set. God damn it. Don't you wish we had a- It was a late show. I got checks. Get up and start doing the bits here. You're not buying it.

I had one guy go, you ever have like a hot set, you do like a killer tight hour, and one guy goes, a lot of new stuff. You working it out? Like, no, no, that was all like eight months old. That'll be something in a couple of months. Yeah. Wait till you get to Reno. We do half hours, but I know what you're talking about. I did a warm-up set for my last special at Comedy on Stage, which is like the hottest crowd. I was fucking killing. I felt like so good of myself. March 11th. And one of the guys, and one of the guys, very...

like filming the show, working the club was like, yeah, man, we had Sean Patton here like a week ago. Best hour I've ever seen. I'm like, dude,

I'm like, I'm taping a special in a week. I know. Jesus Christ. That sucks. I know we didn't mean to be, but Vitor just looked at me and started laughing. We just started laughing. But I was like, come on. Albert Brooks has a thing called a CompuSalt. He's like, if you wait with an audience member long enough, they will find a way to insult you. Oh, that's great. That's good. Dude, we were loading into a venue somewhere. Loading in. Jeez, I picture him on a fork. Beep, beep, beep.

It's a rascal, but you're not far off. Like Hannibal Lecter. He's grabbing a chicken finger. Toughened up your nipples a bit, didn't he? Nice bottle of Chianti and some crab rangoon.

We were walking through the kitchen and, you know, it's like the two waitresses, they were probably like early 20s, didn't know us or the show or whatever. And they were just like, what the fuck is this show? And you're just like, I sold it the fuck out. You could have learned the name of it. Yeah, something garbage. They make fun of each other. I don't know. I don't even think they're comedians. Jesus fucking Christ, ladies. Not a magician. People do love you guys. I mean, my cousin.

came in when I did your live show. My cousin, he never comes in for my shows. He came in to see. Ah, that's right. Yeah, people love you, man. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. Yeah, you guys are killing it. We have some questions for y'all. Okay. Hey. Check out the Route 66 special out now. Whoa, okay. On YouTube? On YouTube. Check it out, man. Have you ever bombed in Rhode Island? Ah. It's not a bomb.

Let's be honest, though. Those Yelp reviews, though, aren't always helpful. Sometimes you can tell it's somebody having a personal thing. You really got to grade on a curve. You got to go like, I was just looking at something, a product, and me and my wife were thinking about buying, and it was like, the battery sucks, the battery. And I'm like, all right, well, then if there's 10 people saying the battery sucks, then you go that way. But when it's personal, like I could have used a good review. I bought the DVD of the movie Manhunter. I bought some DVDs for the bus. It's fun to watch a movie at night.

The top...

rated one, the first one that comes up, the only prime option is an Irish DVD. I didn't know this was a thing. So it says like 18 and up. And I was like, oh yeah, I guess if you think about it, yeah, that's not rated R. That's weird. But 18 and up. So I give James a DVD and he puts in, he goes, this is an Irish DVD. It doesn't work in America. I was like, why do we have different DVDs? What's going on? So that was, I didn't leave a review. I could have used a review then. Yeah, true. That lady was you.

was either like a look at me moment. You know what I mean? That had nothing to do with you. Right. I try to, I try to talk to my wife about it. It's like, we see so many people like, you know, you do it. Even if you're just doing shows in the city, it's like a club's a hundred people. So you're in front of, yeah. Communicating with a hundred people over and over, over and over. Maybe, you know, you might do that fucking 10 times a week. Yeah.

It's like the average person does not communicate with 100 people in a month. Of course. So you're going to statistically. So it's like statistically we're just seeing more. You're like, oh, that's just mental illness that lady's having. And it's one out of 100. So actually your odds are pretty damn good. But that lady, she was going through something else. That joke. Yeah. You're not arguing with the joke. And the lady in the parking lot, same thing. What? The lady in the parking lot, same thing. Yes. You're filming yourself.

Come on. That's about you. Oh my God. You know what happened to me? I'm in Atlanta and we go to the rec center most days. We'll play basketball or something. There's a sauna by the pool. We're going to start doing that. It's not a sauna like in the locker room. It's like you've got to go in clothed obviously in like a bathing suit or something because it's both sexes. So-

this guy comes in, he starts fucking filming himself in there and I'm in the shot and I'm kind of like, hey man. Oh, what? And I'm kind of like, hey, could you not, can I not be recorded in your shot? It's kind of suck this guy's dick over here. I don't want anyone to see this. I'm running for office at some point. But yeah, and he goes, I'm not filming you and I go, I see you right there. A couple other people were like, yeah dude, what the hell? And he goes, I'm not filming. So I was like, fine. I just left. I was like, I don't want to be filmed. I hate that shit. Weird. The filming without permission is such a peeve of mine, but to do it in a fucking

fucking sauna? A hot tub. A sauna. Yeah. That's crazy. There's guys that do it now that are like, I don't know why they're doing it, but they'll be in front of a business and they'll be filming the business. And they're also baiting the owner to come out and be like, hey man, what are you doing? Public property. I'm filming.

Don't touch me. And the guy, like, touches his camera, and he fucking pepper sprays him. What? It's like, what the fuck? Holy shit. They're just looking for it. They're looking for the confrontation. I don't know if we should even bring this up, but do you guys see that Alec Baldwin thing? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about the gunshot. Oh, my God.

I was like, oh yeah, we saw that. What happened? This kid is dressed as Trump and Alec Baldwin's like off, he's pulling his luggage out of a car at his house and he's just trying to go upstairs and the guy's like, oh, you shot a lady, but he's doing it as Trump. And Alec Baldwin goes, if you weren't filming right now, I'd break your fucking neck. My kids are inside. But he leans in. It's real movie. It's real like he leans in and he's like, listen, if these cameras weren't here right now, I'd break your fucking neck. Dude, he takes so much shit. We also know he's a comedian. I know.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Do we? I mean, I know who he is, yeah. I mean, it's pretty shitty to do to this guy. I mean, the guy's just trying to get into his apartment. Everyone's trying to make their own name right now in ways that are boundaryless, I think. Yeah, yeah, because they want the clicks. I was leaving the cellar the other night, and I was getting picked up at Ben's, and there was two comics barking for one of the clubs, and the guy's like...

Yeah, I don't want to get seen until my material's ready. And I'm like, that's probably like an eight-month comic making that decision. But I'm like, you have to be like, do I want to get likes right now? Which is great. It's great, but you're like, at eight months in, this guy's having this conversation. Good for him. I'm not ready to be seen. Anonymity is underrated. It's mature. The ring. No, it's the ring.

The guy stayed in the pocket. You got to hand it to him. He delivered it like Jack Donaghy did. Yeah. I'm a citizen of this. I was born and raised in New York City. I love you, Alec. Alec, look. Who's your favorite president?

We need more bald ones out there. I love them. I do too. He's got more balls than De Niro. That I can tell you. De Niro ran away. Alec confronted. That's good. Damn, they always bust this guy's chops, man. Just let him go. I don't understand it. He shot the wrong person. I saw him in JFK recently. What? No. I don't know. I was. He was walking by himself and everybody was just like, yo, Alec. And it was like, it was like kind of like a hero's walk. I get it's New York, so he's very liberal, but it was like,

It was great to see everybody like, because you only see him at his fucking lowest anymore. You see him in like a murder trial. He's getting accosted on the street. I bet you still got in the tank, too. I wouldn't want to fuck with him. No. His legs look really bad in the second Comedians in Cars, though. Yeah. And they're walking on his knees. He's got bad fucking. Hit you with a miniola two-step fucking.

There's rage in there. Oh, yeah. Have you ever saw the behind-the-scenes Larry Sanders where he's boxing with Gary Shandling? Oh, pull it up. But he's like fucking hitting him hard. And I'm like, dude, Shandling's tiny. What are you doing? It's in the dock, I think. Well, he's an Irish guy from Long Island with four brothers. Yeah. You know the guy did some whaling. Yeah. And I think he played hockey as well. He's the oldest brother, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Boy, can you imagine the four Baldwin brothers back in the late 70s just running Clemson? Billy, Stephen, the other guy. I mean, it must have been nuts.

Look at these guys. They're hunkies. All of them are good looking. Oh, my God. These guys must have toured through. Baldwin Young was a different kind of good looking. Yes. He looks like two different people. He's a good looking dude now. Right. But back then, holy shit. Those are the Coke years. Foley bought a few off that guy. No test strips back then. Glen Gary Alec Baldwin is a piece of ass. Oh, yeah. Watched him last night. He looks good. Blue eyes, black Irish. Woo, baby. Yeah.

Good times. Could have been Jack Ryan for those other two movies. Yeah, he was Jack Ryan in one, right? Yeah, he was on for October. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Beetlejuice. He had a run.

Look at that hair. He was a hot guy. He's crazy. Good looking. Jet black. Always be closing. Today's man, suit on, still making it work. Hey, Bill Burr in Glen Gary. Yeah? We got to go see that, man. Oh, yeah. Pretty cool. Quite a kick. Kieran Culkin. Bob Odenkirk. Bob Odenkirk. Come on. You hear the story that Nathan Lane is the reason he got the role? I did hear that. Crazy. What do you mean? And who got the role? Bill Burr. That he apparently called one of the...

I guess the director and said like, you need to hire this guy. Wow. I love that. He's an arena act. He's a killer. He's angry. He talks like these guys and you're like, that's pretty cool. I had to follow Bill Burr at New York comedy club the other night.

Like, you feel like, ah, I haven't seen the guy in a while. I wonder how he's doing. Maybe working out some shit. He killed. I mean, unlike your Rhode Island set. He really crushed. Can't a guy work on material? I'm sending an email. Killer stuff. We hung out a little bit. What a fun guy. That's awesome. He also did a lot of dark shit, and the crowd pulled back. He's like, you fucking New Yorker. He did that whole thing, and you're like, yes, he still got some edge, and he yelled at everybody. That's awesome. I've never really had any real interactions with him. Pass.

Passed him by at the cellar once or twice, but that's about it. His episode on here is one of my faves. I want to get him back, but it's hard to ask a Broadway actor to come in. He's got one day off now. Totally. Acting-wise, he was in the first season of The Mandalorian. He was great in it. Then came back for the second season. Man, his episode. He's unbelievable. Really? Oh, so good. Really?

If you would have told him 20 years ago he'd be in Star Wars, he would have kicked you in the balls. Yeah. This is real. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think we have it on set. Yeah, we do. Hey. Somebody gave it to us at a show. Migs Mayfield. Great. Oh, yeah. Migger, please. Jesus Christ. A family program. All right. Look at Danny, man. That guy is bloated. All of them. Just killing it. But Billy's a hunk. 1976, Long Island. Woo-wee!

Man. Those guys coming home from high school with the football jersey still on. Tag teaming chicks, high fives all around. They had to be the best looking guys in Long Island. Oh, yeah. They're the LIRR. They're just running trains. Have you seen Billy Joel? True. That guy's getting ass because of his music. Not true. He's got to be 5'4 if he's a foot. You know what's funny is sometimes when you're out on Long Island-

You know, like they had such a big music scene in the 80s where like the hair bands that didn't make it out but still made a killing out there and like played locally. Oh, yeah. You see some of those guys now in like their 60s and they still have the hair and you're like, oh, you were a fucking bass player for fucking White Lotus or something like that in 1985. That's the first thing I think. When I see an old rocker, I'm just like, man, the trim this guy must have slipped through. Yeah.

Look at these guys. These guys were just pounding gas. Dude, they were fucking loaded. Oh, yeah. Blue Oyster Cult. Are they Long Island? Yeah. No shit. Blue Oyster Cult. Who are some other Long Island rockers? Twisted Sister, I think. Twisted Sister? Really never got out of New York, I feel, right? I see Dee Snider all the time. Yeah. Where do you see him? He's in the village, just walking around, drinking coffee. Did you ever hear his story? He was completely broke, working a day job. This is after Twisted Sister.

He was working at the front desk of a tanning salon or something crazy. And someone came to him to write Christmas music for somebody. And it turned into three famous Christmas songs that are written by Dee Snider. Can we look up what the songs were? Yeah, he tells this. Dee Snider, what Christmas songs he wrote. He tells the story. He was working at the front desk of a dentist office or a gym or something like that. What the fuck? That dude's got a fucking look. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. From far away. For Celine Dion. Him and Judy Gold. Exactly.

Wait, do they pour some sugar on me? No, that's Def Leppard. Sorry. They're like, I want to rock. Is that it? What's Dee Snider's? We're not going to take it. Was there a big MTV hit? We're not going to take it. It had the guy from Animal House in it, Niedermeyer. He was like the mean, the heavy one. Yeah. We're not going to take it.

Hilarious. Whatever pays the bills. Sure. Comedians can't do that. We can't come up with Christmas jokes that pay off the debt. Oh, that would be awesome. Yeah. Just go out once a year like a mall Santa Claus. Yeah, like December to January, you just clean up. I'm working on my Halloween chunk.

What's the deal with the oolongs? I left one in the toilet in Rhode Island. Gary Goldman has a whole album called All I Want for Hanukkah is Christmas. And it's just all holidays. Oh, that's amazing. The goal.

Love and all. That's incredible. I got a music rec for you guys. Please. Sidney Bechet, New Orleans guy. I don't know him. Saxophonist. You'll know him when you hear him. He's fucking amazing. Crazy life story. You can look it up. His life, he was from New Orleans, ended up moving to France. He's like, oh, I got treated way better here.

He got into a duel with some guy and then accidentally shot a woman during the duel And he got deported back to that guy deported back to New York. I thought he was new no Apparently and I looked him up. He apparently influenced Duke Ellington, but he couldn't read music whoa

Whoa. But he didn't blow up to like the 40s. But yeah, it's like his shit is great. Was it a gun duel or a sword duel? A gun. Holy. Or saxophone duel. I feel like that's coming back a little bit, by the way. Duels? The horns. Oh, hell yeah. Not that they're in popular music. I think they're coming back. The sax specifically. Yeah. Yeah, I hope so. I love horns. So do the Jews. Yeah.

Is this what you're listening to? I love it. One of the drivers falling asleep. He had a little twisted sister on the road, dude. I can't do music with lyrics if I'm trying to write jokes. I'll give you that. Same.

Yeah, this is nice. It's nice. It's good music. This is just with plays when you walk through New Orleans. This is just what you hear. Oh, dude, we were just walking and we heard some great shit. Just local musicians there. I know. It's incredible. I went to the Blue Note once. I was like, I've seen this on the sidewalk in the Big Easy. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Blue Note up here, yeah. They're always packed out, though. Always. The place is bumping. Yeah, people love jazz. It's still like you go to the... What's the other one? There's a couple. Smalls.

Smalls, that's the old school joint. Yeah. Another one in Midtown that's really good. It's like 40-something, 44. Birdland. Birdland, that's it. Yeah. There's another one. There's like four in the village that are still there. I would love to do comedy in there. What's the place on the corner across the street from Ben's? Oh, yeah. The Groove, yeah. It does all right. Yeah, you want to film a special there, you mean? I thought it'd be fun to go from jazz club to jazz club. Very cool. Comedy and jazz are kind of a similar vibe. Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. Call it Notes.

You bringing notes up? Don't do that. Rhode Island don't like it. All right. Spike you up on some heroin? All right, let's see these questions, eh, Fatty? Hit me. Well, I'm sure there's a bunch. You can cruise through them. All right. They're not good? Are they mean? Oh, we have one here. Oh, sorry. They're just out of, they're a little out of order. All right. This whole court's out of order. If I can read it out loud, it might be better. Are you on mic? Yes, sir. Okay. Okay.

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I shit crouching over in a public toilet. That's not a question. Okay. That's what I'm saying. These are like... Is it garbage? Oh! They think they're being... Are they hovering? That's a good question. Is that what it means? I shit crouching over...

Well, if you're crouching over, it might miss the water. Yeah, that's a lot of effort, man. Spreading your cheeks and all that stuff. It's like, dude, just roll with it. I'd do a hover if I'm real janitor. A hover? Not. I mean, it's never. It's like if there's pee and shit on the toilet seat and I don't have time to be like, I got to be a janitor and clean this. Yeah. I'll do my best to hover. Do you do the little saran wrap thing? Not saran wrap. What do you call it? The paper? Yeah. The ring? No, I can't do it. I need the cheeks to catch.

and open up. Yeah. He's got a wild, we've talked about this a bunch, but he has an insane public bathroom...

What is it? Ritual. Hit me, Fatty. I'll flush the toilet. Yeah? I'll take the toilet paper, do a little dab of the water in the toilet, and then wipe off the seat. Oh, I've done that. See? You're not in good company. What are you talking about? I think it's a little weird. A little weird? That's insane to me. You could hit the sink, too. You could hit the sink. But you don't. Then you've got to walk out there with your pants down. You could do it on the way in. It's a restroom.

That's crazy to me. I'll do like toilet paper or, you know, I'll give it a once over visually. Yeah, that's not the classy move of that. That's pretty gross. And plus that also means you're used to fucking squatting and shitting, which isn't great. Yeah, the squatting and shitting thing. I knew people growing up who would do that, the kind of stand pooper. And I was like, what are we doing? It takes all the joy out of it. I just got a squatty potty. It's game changer. Nuts.

It's crazy. Couldn't I just put a stack of books? Sure. Trying to save a buck? Yeah. Do I have to spend $9.99? Pull it up. Pull up a squatty potty. What does that even look like? It just goes right here. It's just an elevation, right? Why not put a cinder block? Because you're supposed to poop with your knees higher. That's how your colon or whatever is shaped. You're the guy in black and white on the infomercial standing on two telephones.

You want to be an idiot? There's got to be an easier way. I got to spend $25 on a piece of plastic? You get saved 10%, 15% on your first order of promo code garbage. What are you talking about? I get six Bibles and a Koran, and we're back in business. That's more than $24.99. I got them at home. The books are more expensive than $25. But I already have the books. Do you have a Bible at the house? I got many. Really? Why? I used to sell them. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Paper moons. Yeah.

Paper moon. Good. Dude, I had, it's because it's like, it's, you know, kind of opens, it lines everything up and opens the door. I went out drinking one night real bad and I had fucking bud mud. Diarrhea with one of those things. It is like, I almost ended up in the apartment above us. I didn't realize there was levels to them. There's heights to them. I just got the standard, John. Yeah, I got, I felt like a Russian astronaut. Why is it better for you? Yeah.

Lines you up. See how your colon is kinked, I guess, or your rectum? I don't know what it is. Would this work for anal sex?

sure yeah you'd think the knees should be up oh let's hit the bathroom and figure it out yeah that gets him to buy it get that bible let's go because i because now i sleep with a pillow in between my knees do you do that to line up the spine i do i just do it just so i need the comfort one between my knees and i and i hug one damn yeah do that i do it yeah it feels good yeah it does feel better i remember when body pillows were back and i had a body pillow oh yeah remember the boyfriend pillow

What's that? Me neither. What, is this the soda bit? Oh, is this by getting older? My fiance was like, do you want to sleep for nine hours uninterrupted? I'd be like, ooh, you fucking slut. I'm going to hold you. I'm trying to stuff a pillow in between my knees. There you go. I tell you, you get sex noises out of me at 40. Put that pillow there, I'm like, oh, fuck.

Oh, my hips are lined up. Doesn't it depress the shit out of you how much we have to censor this shit to get it? I know. I mean, how many bleeps are there? It's a hilarious bit, but God damn it. Yeah, what do we do? I know what he's saying. When I get into bed and the comforter is fresh and the sheets are fresh, I have audible. Oh.

Yeah. And then I lift the blanket up and put the comforter between my legs. Whee! That's nice. Clean living. Oh, yeah. I love it. Wait. Oh, go back to the questions. All right.

You ever been so hungover? Speaking of dirty toilets, you ever been so hungover where you're like yakking or you got food poisoning and the toilet's filthy, but you don't give a shit. Yeah. You're in such bad shape, you're like leaning on the fucking porcelain. Relief of it is better than whatever you're getting. There's a turd floating in there. You couldn't care less. Yeah, you're doing like shifts between puking and shitting. Yeah. You're like switching over. Exactly. Shift change. Yeah, awful. All germophobia goes out the window.

So I got one here. It's from DZ's Mundo. He asked, are you garbage if you ate raw hot dogs as a kid? Oh, I did that. That's a rite of passage. Hell yeah. They're not raw. They come cooked. They're just cold. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't see me for white trash. I did raw hot dogs. I did dog food. I did dirt. And I did my mom's roll-on deodorant.

Which was weird. What the fuck? Yeah, I would lick it. I would lick my mom's roll on deodorant. This is fucking twisted sister, man. If you don't eat ass, I'll be confused. My favorite. All right. He's a squatty. Get to squatty potty. What flavor deodorant are we talking about? It was like- Does it matter? It was like a secret. Oh, it was right guard? Okay. Because it was like, it was that baby powdered flavor. I don't know why I would do it. Interesting. Yeah. It's similar to like a push pop.

When you think about it. Yeah. I would also, anytime there was a bottle of cough medicine around, I would grab it and chug it. My mom would freak out. Yeah. We had this pink medicine that was so fucking good. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's an antibiotic. A macho villain. Yes. I love it. Pull it up. I love Dimetap too as a kid. Great Dimetap. Get you back in here. Yeah. You ever snort some Vagisil? That's crazy shit, dude. This is my girl right here. Was she eating that? This is a 29-minute video of a lady licking deodorant.

29 minute. She probably makes more money than all of us. Yeah, right.

Have you seen the hack people would do? This is a cooking hack. Some of these are harder. You take out the deodorant stick, and you put butter in there, and you can apply it. This is all more work. I don't think that's right. I think that's just like doing that for the video. The only one that's good is you go to a diner, you get a pat of butter that's in the foil. They take a fork and poke it in there, and then you squeeze that, and it comes out like Play-Doh. Ooh.

That's kind of cool. Take that to the bank. All right. For like a baked potato or something? Is that why you're hard? Butter tuck. That's hard. What other questions? Do we have anything good? Here we go. This is going to stink. Is it trashy to find farts funny? No. No.

Are you writing these as these are going? Do you find Matt Talke's cute? Is he trashy? Circle yes or no in passing. Oh, man, these are terrible. Am I garbage if I religiously watch We Might Be Drunk and Are You Garbage? No.

No. All class, baby. All class, kiddo. I do feel like we got a nice little crossover. Oh, yeah. 100%. Huge crossover. And we both come out on Sundays, right? Yeah. Sunday night. We come out Sunday nights and Wednesday nights. Oh, you guys are doing two a week. We do four episodes a week between Patreon and Law. Thanks for coming here. Holy shit. Are you guys sick of talking? No.

Maybe a little bit. I mean, we're coming off of the, we did a wild run of promo for the special. So it's like, yeah, we're fucking gassed a little bit. When you do a live show on the road, how much is standup? How much is like crowd questions? We each do about 25 minutes of standup. And then we do about a half an hour of, are you garbage with the crowd? Oh,

Oh, that's fun. It's great. Yeah. No real heavy lifting, you know, and you film all that and that could be Patreon. Yeah. So the, so yeah, so we, the special, the, what we're, we're, we drop, we're dropping and we did route 66 Chicago to LA. We filmed like essentially a special at every show. It was like nine shows from Chicago to LA. And then we have the bus and like, you know, so it's, you ever see like Vince Vaughn's wild, wild west. It's very, it's like our version of that or comedians of comedy or whatever. Um,

So it's a lot of behind the scenes stuff. Is this going to pay off? No, we're in the hole like $200,000. You just have to accept you're going to be in the hole. That's the state of entertainment. Sure. It's also like we wanted to do it like it'll be fun to be on a bus for two weeks just fucking seeing this crazy shit. To do it for the life experience. And then also it's like we've gotten this far by making bad financial decisions to an extent. Right.

You know what I mean? That's garbage. Yeah, it's like, let's use it to make cool shit and have fun. You've got to remember the fun part, because a lot of people are like, ah, you're doing that gig, the money's not great. I'm like, it's going to be a blast. Fully loaded, you might actually make more if you did your own headlining. Sure. But you've got to go get drunk, get in a fucking hot tub. I look at Ari a lot for that. It's a good life experience. It's cool.

Totally. When he would get, like, you guys to go do, like, four guys in wherever and then go skiing or water flying or whatever. I'm like, that's a cool weekend that I would like to be able to do as we do. Ari might be a little, he's like, I'm doing a gig in Gaza. Oh, he's not. It pays $6. Yeah.

I get to wear a bulletproof vest. He walks around shirtless with a little hiking stick. Yeah, always. You got to know when to cut Ari off. Like the first half of the advice is good. Then he's like, you guys should move on stage. That's a good. 100%. That's one of the things that we're lucky with. We weren't headliners before we did this. I was hosting in the city. He was doing road work. So we were able to have the experience off rip where we were going out with somebody. And I feel like everybody's doing that now more so than ever.

Like, you know, Gary, everybody's taking the boys, all that kind of stuff, and everybody's together. It makes it so much better. It makes the road bearable. Like an 80s headliner. I mean, that must have sucked. Oh, well, that was where the drugs and the booze came in. Sure. There's, like, no Uber. You just got to get a car with wherever. Yeah, it's, like, sucked. They must have been lonely.

Of course. I mean, you don't have a cell phone. You're really alone. I mean, I know that there's isolation that comes from just checking your phone all the time, too, and feeling left out. But, like, just not having contact, a hotel charging a shitload of money long distance to call anyone. I mean, an 80s or 90s road comic, early 90s, that must have been pretty tough. I mean, they were pulling those guys out of hotels left and right. I know. It's a hard living. Woo!

It's like being a country singer in the fucking 60s. Sure. A lot of heroin. Yeah, we're very fortunate just to like...

It's like we were hanging with three or four of our friends. Well, you've got to think comedy is fairly new as a job and an art form. So we've kind of perfected it just now. Quite quickly. 100%. Like in the last 10 years. Yeah, yeah. Less than that, probably. You can make your own shit. You can post your own shit. You can pick who you want on the road. You can pick what gigs you want. You can say no to a check spot. Like it's really... I mean, there's so many guys doing monster shows. U2, All the Boys. It's crazy to see. I just did it.

arena with Gillis on Saturday. Nuts. And you're like...

We're at the Four Seas. I mean, the whole thing's insane. You're like, we're just telling jokes. This guy's a drunk and fat, maybe retarded, and we're having a great time. How awesome is it? Yeah, we were watching down the fucking thing, and we're closing out in L.A. at a theater, and I literally looked at him. I'm like, we do a theater? This is crazy. It's crazy. We fill a theater with people from him calling me bald and me calling him fat. It's incredible. It's insane. So when Kill Tony was at the Garden, we went and watched, and it was just like, is this nuts?

I'm like, not. Sold out shows at the goddamn garden. And they were showing videos of like, you know, the history starting out in the basement of wherever they were. Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. Great to see. I saw Shane working out his SNL monologue last night, and it's fun to watch.

Of course. The second I'm hosting. And then I only got to see the first four minutes or so because they dragged me back around the corner. And I made a comment. It was Marcelo and Sam Jay were watching too. And I was like, man, I love that. Here's this one joke. I wish he called back to it because it's such a funny opportunity for a callback. And they were like, yeah, yeah. And then I guess Shane found me around the corner and was like, I heard you said I should have a callback. You didn't see the end of the set. You got to see the end. So I watched it again. I was like, he called it back. Hey!

I was like, it's just one of those things you get in comics. You're like, oh, I know this is such a good opportunity. Civil War joke? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I was just like, I fucking need. But it'll be out. I'm not giving anything away. It'll be out. It'll be out by the time this comes out. We had him, O'Connor, and Pope do spots on a pop-up show we did at the Creek. Man, he goes out there and fucking. It's like Elvis. A gadouge. Yeah. Murdering.

- It's a funny monologue, it's really funny. - Yeah, his level of, you're like, "Geez, dude, I was in the bathroom at the creek and the walls were shaking." - A riot broke out. - Yeah, it was a crazy weekend. Minneapolis, we're at the hotel.

at the bar, Santino is doing his Hulu. - I saw that. - He's also at the hotel, so we got to hang out with him. Kevin Hart walks up. - No shit. - He was at the hotel, and he was doing some big arena, club, whatever. - You chat with him too? - We chatted with him, he's little, nice. - Now you bump into Kevin Hart, does he know who you are? - Zero, I've met him 38 times. I call him, I say I'm Kevin Hart on stage,

And no one sent him that, you think? Maybe, but I think he's just so busy. He's in an ice plunge or he's working out. It's also, you think, like, I think of that, too, of, like, how busy you are. How busy, you know, the four of us are. And then imagine how busy that fucking guy is. He's on Jumanji 9. He's got, like, you know, he's got a family. It's just wild. I met him once again, not directly, but made a fool of myself. I was hosting for Keith at Helium, maybe, like, 2018 or whatever. Keith was running his hour, and he's like, listen,

Gavin might come in. If he comes in, you know, I'll give you the signal. You come up, get me and bring him up. And they never came back. They came in, but they never came like back to the green room. So like Keith got to a certain point in his set and like looked at me like, are we good? Are we good? And then he goes, give it up for Kevin Hart. Nothing. Nothing.

Didn't come up. And it was just like this awkward 30 seconds. And then Kevin Hart came through the crowd and jumped up on stage. Man, Keith gave it to me in the fucking green room. He's like, the last thing you said was you got it.

Well, Shane invited Kevin Hart. I was like, hey, I'm at the arena. Come pop on after. And he was like, I don't know. We'll see. So the whole time, you see Shane on stage closing. Checking, yeah. And Kevin Hart's a little guy. So he was really like, is that a little five foot one black over there? What is that? And we saw him after. And he was like, I'm not doing that shit. I got my own show. I'm not going to close out your dumb show. I was like, that's a good point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes total sense. Yeah, as comics, we say yes to everything. You forget you cannot do shit. I know, I know. And he's like, I'm not popping it on your show. You pop it on my show. I'm Kevin Hart. They did an arena the same night? Kevin Hart actually did some room called The Ambassador, which is like this big music venue, but he did like 18 of them. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably him working on material. Exactly. I sell 8,000 seats a night to work on material. What did he do? When the Punchline opened, he did like, what? Like 20 shows in a row. He was filming in Philly. I think that movie with Bryan Cranston or whatever. Yes. Oh, yeah. So he shot in Philly. They just opened. That's a pretty big room, that Punchline. And I think he did like 20 shows in a week because he's like, I'm here filming anyway. So just like two a night. And the rumor is that he got the parking. Yeah.

His own guy's park. He's like, I'm going to bring in a third party to get the park. And it was like $50 to park. And I don't know if he took that money or he just gave it to his boy, like hooked his boys up. But that was the understanding is he had a parking deal. That's crazy. A businessman mentality. If you do 20 headline club shows, you can almost work out your whole hour. That's a year and a week. Exactly. That's great. A year and a week. Holy moly.

Man. What did you hear about that Bradley Cooper shooting that stand-up movie? Oh, I thought you were going to talk about his Philly cheesesteak. I heard it's great. What does that mean? Wait, wait. I didn't know he was doing a stand-up. No. He didn't do a stand-up movie. Yeah. There's a lot of stand-up movies. They're just very rarely done well. What's his? I don't know about it. I just know they're filming next week. At the Cellar, I think. I didn't want to say that, but yeah. It's all about the Kramer incident. He plays Kramer? Now that I get it. Yeah.

No shit. If anybody can pull it off, it's Cooper. Love a Coop. Shout out to him. Yeah, Phillies having a moment. Yeah. Does Cooper know who you guys are? No, but it's funny you mention that. I waited on him. What? Yeah, I waited on him probably 2016. I worked at this place on the corner of Bedford and Morton.

Which was like kind of a who's who of a neighborhood. Like Sofia Coppa lived down the street. Oh, shit. That's when Louie lived there. Maybe it was a little earlier. It was when Louie was filming Louie. Wow. And I would see him walking his kids to school like in the show. Wow. And then like two days later, you would see him filming Louie on the street. Wow.

Same clothes, same glasses, the whole nine yards. It was surreal. But it was one snowy day, and I was in there by myself, fucking sure as shit. He comes rolling in. And he sat down at the bar. I got him an oatmeal and a mint tea, and we were talking. He went to a high school. We're about the same age. He went to, like, a private school right in my area. So we knew a couple of the same people. And we were talking a little bit. I remember, like, hey, do you know so-and-so? He's a lacrosse player. And I remember looking at him, and he goes...

You played lacrosse? That was the goal. Boy, just wrap it up and get out of here. This is apparently like a two-hour wait. I passed by it the other day, and I was like, what? And then you're like, it exists in Philly. So it's a famous guy in Angelo's. And I think there's probably some variation, but it's very much. But he's back there cooking. He's back there cooking, yeah. He's a real renaissance, man. Also, I think he was just a camera operator on some movie. He was working a movie with a camera operator.

on a movie. Really? Working like 13 hour days as a camera operator. I did his benefit but I showed up late because I had other spots so I didn't get to meet him. What was he doing a benefit for? I think it was for veterans. Okay. It was a charity. It was a good charity. He killed it in the announcement on the fucking Super Bowl. Oh yeah? Bringing out the birds. He was great. Go birds. You guys must be fucking thrilled about that. I was at an ass beating. Yeah. That was a bad game. Do you wish it was a closer game? No. No.

I'm glad. That's as close as a Philadelphia team can manage. They sacked him five times. They fucking stripped him, knocked him in the face. Kelsey didn't do shit. I fucking loved it. Hell yeah. Nothing against them personally, but that was great. No, it's personal. Do you hate Travis and love Jason? I don't hate them. Political answer. Coming in hot. He's an awesome tight end.

Yeah. Yeah, I hate that motherfucker. I was waiting for it. All right. Fucking pretty motherfucker. I do love when these actors do extra shit. Like Daniel Day-Lewis became a cobbler. Yes. For like 10 minutes. And then he was like, all right, I'm going back. I know. They always go back. It's always the stories you hear too. Maybe they're not that famous. I said no at first. And they had to really come and beg me to do it. And I decided to do it. Yeah. It's like, I did you.

Did you? I know. Exactly. Some of those guys at that level maybe. Yeah, no, it's true. But... Yeah, he was like making shoes or something like that. Dee Snider. Yeah, but it's always like a fucking... It's always like a great actor. It's never like Rob Schneider really was a European gigolo to prepare for this role. Yeah. They made two of those fuckers. I was the second. Oh.

Oh, yeah. European. My first one was a home run. That was a heat check. Yeah. I'm going to be a gigolo twice. Tim Meadows was in that, too, wasn't he? I don't remember. What isn't he in? Yeah, I think Tim Meadows was like his guide in that in the beginning. He's fucking great. Yeah. The ladies' man. Yeah. Yes. Maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

Ladies' Man. Houseboat Bill. Got moments. Ladies' Man was all right. He was at the SNL 50th, which I love to see because it's like this super conservative who's gone off on these crazy rants, and they all have to play nice with Rob Schneider, which is like, you know, SNL is like the most liberal show ever, and they shove his ass in there. I bet he was so uncomfortable. Yeah, he went a little kooky patooky, right? Oh, yeah. I don't keep up on the day-to-day. Twitter will get you. It'll get you.

You know, you have a few cocktails, you're in a hotel room alone, you start getting after it. It's right in your pocket. Yeah, it's got Roseanne, too. Yeah. Yeah.

The gun is more dangerous. A bad cop is worse than a bad tweeter, Salicus. I'm like an angry man with a knife. Salicus got a... Your lady got a bottle thrown at her and you went after the guy. A rock, sorry. Salicus got a little fire in him. You can tell.

Nice. Who? A rock? Where did this happen? Right down 46th Street. She was walking to the subway. Like here? Like in Midtown 46th Street? Yeah, Jesus. And did it come close to hitting her? Yeah, she said she ducked like this. Whoa. Like in the street. She was walking along where the buildings are, and it was just from the sidewalk, the edge of the sidewalk, to the wall. And she had to go like this. Whoa. Did she smell what the rock was cooking? I don't know.

Did you drag her around? Like, where is he? Point me out. She was shook, and she just jumped on the subway and left. Uh-huh. Damn. I walked around the neighborhood showing her pictures of homeless guys. I was like, is this him? Whoa. How'd you get pictures of homeless guys? I brought my phone. You started just taking pictures of random homeless guys. Is this him? Through a rod. Probably beautiful pictures, too, by the way. Yeah, he's good. Don't look right at the camera. Rough day to be a homeless guy in Times Square. Yeah. When another homeless guy starts taking pictures of you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's my trash can. I'm heating up an hour in. What's that guy? People of New York? Isn't there a guy who does hobos? Humans of New York? You can just say you're that guy. I was walking my dog with my wife about 9, 10 o'clock at night in my neighborhood and

Saw three kids across the street, and you could just tell. It was like out of a movie. The one kid was afraid, so he was hanging back. The other kid pulled up, I think they're called the sheisties, he pulled the thing up over his face, and they were following a woman. And I'm like, the energy of this just isn't good. But she didn't seem nervous. And then a bus pulled up and stopped, so I couldn't see, but they ran up and grabbed her bag or whatever. What?

So I just hear her screaming, and I fucking, I'm proud of my, I took off and fucking chased them. All right. I mean, I knew I wasn't going to catch them. Was it a fake chase where you put the effort in? I waited for the light. I waited for the crosswalk. What kind of dog you got? A dog that will bite them. Okay, okay. But I gave the dog to my wife because I was like, you stay here. And with the dog. Damn.

Is that him? Oh, shit. Yikes. The city's going to shit. I know. Look at this. No one cares. That's weird. They're just like, oh, Kanye's here. Yeah.

I don't know. It looks so weird. Which is the least racist thing I've ever said. They don't look alike. Man, this city, I'll tell you. It's kooky. It's always going to be great, though. It is always going to be great, but that's crazy to get a rock thrown at you. That could kill a person. Was he Muslim? Yes. That looks like him.

Did you pepper spray another guy? No, I didn't find him. She didn't positively identify the guy. I mean, you're a rogue vigilante. I don't know about garbage. I think you're maybe a menace to society. A criminal? Deserved to be locked up? Manhunter. Now, did you get a description of the guy? She described him. Okay, so that helps. And then I went around photographing guys who looked like that, texting her. She texted me back. She's like, not him, not him. Wow. Oh! Maybe him? Maybe he's not good enough for me to randomly pepper spray.

You got to get a confession, man. Not at all. You got to bring Detective Benson in for that one. Plus, that pepper spray is hit or miss. It could just piss somebody off. Mmm. Bear spray. That's what you need. Have you ever pepper sprayed a person? No. What? I don't know. He has. I've gotten the brunt of it. Like, I wasn't directly hit, but I was around it. And it hurts. We got to ask for consent. I thought she was sleeping. We had a kid do it in high school in the stairwell.

yeah it's fucking fucked up everybody oh yeah we were in college and a fight broke out and in the stairwell and there was like 10 people and nobody would stop the kids whose house is like knock it off knock it off knock it off i was down at the bottom and uh somebody he just went and got a fire extinguisher just down the fucking thing and everybody just was like it just diffused the entire city now that's kitschy that's what you need that's fun that didn't hurt anybody all right i

I'm out of here. I think the gel is better than the spray, especially in the wind. He's sending these pictures to his wife. The spray in the wind can go anywhere. What's the gel? There's gel. Do you have it on you? Don't test it. Is that gel? I like a pomade myself. A gel? It's a direct spray, so it can't blow back at you. No mist. Full psycho, huh? The fuck?

Give me like a hit right on Rodney right there. It'll fuck up the air in here, man. Oh, really? Even the gel? Not the gel? Go ahead and hit me on the we might be drunk poster there. Can we get a shot of this? I got lunch after this.

You're spraying it on a burrito? It's still pepper. It's a salicuse. What are you doing? Wait for him to get the video cooked. Yeah, we need content as we kill ourselves. I want to see this gel. Man, we got to walk by this. You got it. You'll be fine. You like jello. He sprays himself in the face. Did you just get Andy McDowell? Jesus Christ. Goddamn. That's fucking misogynist.

Wait. Okay. That's a great Bargetti line when he's like, yeah, so you got mace or something. And they're like, was it mace or pepper spray? He's like, what kind of life would I be living if I could tell the difference? He's good. He's good. I think his first album that was. Oh, we're fucked. It's like ketchup versus catsup, but it's for, you know, getting fucking taken down. Oh.

Oh, I got a whiff. Did you really? I got to fart and clear the air. Damn. Come on, Mark. You got one in you? My eyes are burning a little bit. No.

I'm writing an email. That's it. I knew this was a bad idea. One star. You're getting nothing. What are you guys, crazy? I'm deeply inhaling. I'm getting nothing. Come over here. It's pretty crazy. There's a guy walking around my neighborhood now who's just taunting women and just being like, you fucking dumb bitch. I'll kill you. But he's not doing anything illegal enough to where the cops could arrest him and prosecute him. So they're just not even arresting him. You sure he's not just doing crowd work? He's got a camera. Is that Jeff Dye? I'm having a bad day. Is that Rife? Yeah.

There you go, Peters. How bad is the smell over there, Matt? He's fine. Yeah, don't sniff it that close. Whoa, what are you doing? Chloroform. It's not that bad. All right, you see, it's the gel. Nice. There you go.

So, yeah, the guy's taunting women. And they just can't arrest him. It's been about five weeks. Norman's like, I've never been to your neighborhood. It's been about over a month now. And he's been arrested once this week. And he's already back out on the street that same day. That's not illegal. I know. Yeah. He tries to put cigs in kids' mouths and stuff like that. He says he's going to kill your dog. Oh, I just got a whip. Did you really? Yeah, I got in the throat. It's a bad hang. Does it smell like peppers?

No. You wish. How bad is this shit? Stuffed? I don't have it yet. I caught it in the throat. Unless I have COVID. Yeah, I'm not getting it either. All right. This looks like an aerosol hairspray kind of thing. I'm getting a little lightheaded. Yeah. It's more like when you have something caught in your throat.

Yeah. All right, we're fine. I had a piece of granola caught in my throat last night. Oh, that'll get you. Oh, man. Damn. I do love some granola, though, man. A little yogi with a little bit of honey. A little parfait action. Throw some fucking fruit in there. Yeah, I have a trick for Chobani. If you're Chobani people out there. Sure. Throw it out and get a sandwich. Hey, it's good. Take that, Rhode Island. Shake it up.

Before you open it, you don't stir it. Shake it up and then open it. And it's all mixed in. Try that on the road. What about the peanut butter with the oil? Does that work for that? What peanut butter? You know the oily peanut butter? No. He's asking the fancy peanut butter. You don't buy that. You're a Jif man. I don't have peanut butter in the house, but yeah, I wouldn't buy that. Really? You just give it in your pocket? I'm a big peanut butter guy. I can't live without peanut butter. I eat it by the spoonful. Me too. I do a peanut butter spray.

Just hope they have an allergy, you piece of shit. That might work. Another allergy guy, yeah. You do peanut butter. You caught it? I caught it. Yeah, it goes in and out.

What were you saying? You do peanut butter by the spoonful. I love it. You don't do that? No. I can't go a day without peanut butter. I need a spoonful. It's good protein. Oh, yeah. It's bad for you. It's bad for you. You don't have too much, but you have a little bit and then, yeah, fucking a lot of seed oils. Some Greek yogurt, man. That's my Zin is peanut butter. I just put it right here. When did Zin become so popular? Everybody loves Zin. Everyone loves this shit. I don't know. There's no tobacco in them.

I've been on them, but they're like fucking my mouth up. Oh, yeah. They'll get you. Yeah. Speak of the friend. You got to get you some healthy vices. See, the Nutella guy died. Yeah, you were the biggest Nutella guy I've ever met. I love Nutella. Mark's a Nutella guy. Well, they say that's all palm oil. That's no good for you. That's my N-word. Love Nutella. The guy who created it, guys? Yes. They spread his ashes. Pfft. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I bet he was a bit of a hazelnut. I think Mark's getting hit with that pepper spray. Oh, yeah. Francisco Rivela. Rivela comes from a Nutella. Nutella. The co-creator of Nutella. Nutella.

Died February 13th. Died on Valentine's Day. Helping develop Tic Tac, Kinder Chocolate, and Ferrero Rocher. Wow. That's a little bit of cake. That's a legacy. Tic Tac. Oh, speaking of Valentine's Day, I got to fucking pee for you. Uh-oh. Hit it. So they don't deliver the flowers to my girlfriend. So I had to call the guy and be like, hey, man, what the fuck? And he was like, well, we saw you ordered it, so you can just forward her the email to show her you- That's hilarious. I was like-

You think she wants a fucking receipt, you idiot? Wow. What a shyster. Yeah, 1-800-Flowers. Don't mess with them, guys. Yeah, I could go local for that kind of stuff. I had 1-800-Flowers and went local and felt pretty good about it. Yeah, go local. You got to go local. You're right. I went local. My guy got deported. He's gone. He's on a plane with a dozen roses in his hand. Someone's going to be real happy when he gets back home.

That Tom Holman guy is terrifying. You see that guy? He's like the ice head guy.

He's just yelling at people. I don't follow the news. Oh, man. He's like, we're going to come to your house. We're going to pull you out by your hair and kick you in the pants. That guy? That guy. Look at that guy. Yeah. That's wild. He's got a taffer energy about him. Yes. His paw stinks. Shut it down. He was this guy where they were like, aren't you going to be separating families? He was like, no, they can take the whole family with them. Yes. That's funny.

Ice in his veins. Okay. Also, the amount that shirt's sticking out of the suit collar is a tough look. I can't believe we sprayed pepper spray in here, thinking that would not be a stupid idea. Yeah, we're fine. It was gel. Yeah, it was gel. That walk-by is going to be rough. That's true. You know it's going to be bad. Well, Rachel's going to be like, smells familiar. She's coming next. Speaking of taffy, the...

He's not doing the shows that much anymore. He subs them out. It's some other bozo. What? Yeah, the guy's not even wearing a bad blazer. Guest host? Somebody. I like Taffer. I love Taffer. He does probably like 30% of them now. The episode he did for Puerto Rico, I was like, that's a decent guy right there. I really do like, I mean, the show kind of stinks and stuff. He just makes you want to go to a casual dining restaurant, get the signature cocktail, some potato skins, and just sit down and drink and get fucked up.

One of the bartenders who always comes in, the star bartender, she's always frowning. The one who's just like this. Yeah. She's always in a bad mood. They always got loops in and the hair and stuff like that. Their names are always in there. None of that bullshit works at a busy restaurant on a Friday night. Get out of here. Put all that fucking mixology shit. The one bartender was Johnny Tips. I'm like, that's fucking... It's like a weatherman in LA, dude. The bar's in the back of a trailer park. They're trying to teach him how to make a fucking old-fashioned... Yeah. Dude.

To three bartenders who were all on that. You fucking idiot. 20 bags of stepped on coke. That's how this bar is going to survive. All right. The best is the guy who tries to fight Taffer. You know, he's like, I've been running this business for 30 years. You're not going to come in and tell me how to do it. I got my daughter. She's pregnant. She's on the fryer. Mm hmm.

You ever see the clip of Gordon Ramsay? I love that. I've seen every episode. The Gordon Ramsay and the guy goes at him. Yes. He's like, get the fuck out. The one that found a cockroach and the guy's like, you fucking planted that. He's like, what, you just walk in and there's a dead cockroach in the dining room? We've never had cockroaches? The guy kind of is acting black too. I think so. Just click on it. I don't know. I don't know until I see it. What the fuck? This isn't the one. I mean, it could be good.

Oh, British. British. Hello. I can't tell if they're really mad. No.

That's the producer in them. Yeah. Keep it going. Keep it going. Ramp it up. Find the other ones. The guy who's like, you know, just wait. What I want to know is who was such a dick to Gordon Ramsay? Right. Who was his chef? I mean, that's just like what? That's just that industry. Chef culture. Great chefs. Yeah. Two British guys fighting sounds like. That might be at the top. Yeah.

How dare you? No, the top one. The one I'm pointing to. Oh, this is the reality show. Yeah, this is it. Yeah, this dude. This dude sucks.

What do you want me to say? They know who they fucking are. We chose as a group, and they stood out, and they said they belong there. Uh-oh. Listen, you chippy idiot. Chippy? I asked for one nominee and why, plain English. And you're mouthing off, and you couldn't answer me.

Now can you just tell me, in fucking plain English, the first nominee and why he's nominated? Is that fucking clear? That's clear. Thank you. Ooh.

anyone else hard it levels up i mean that's you gotta go to the real it's funny he's so tough but he makes the most delicate eggs okay answer the question we keep talking like this out in the parking lot out in the parking lot kid questions you give the answers that dog you want a jacket i want to talk some let's go step outside i ain't here for that dog

Oh! Do you wanna talk about fucking fighting? Oh wow. Do you wanna get fucking rough? Do you think I'm scared? No, you got two big security guards. Yeah, right? You were a second ago. Yeah. Fuck the cameras. Yeah? Yeah. Make sure they're rolling! I asked you one simple question, and you couldn't fucking answer me. And then you wanna get all tough and up close and personal. Fuck you. Yeah!

You ain't no but a bitch. Whoa! Whoa! Take that, you limey! Welcome to America! Holy shit! There really is a difference in cooks between America and Britain. Yeah, exactly. You didn't execute your plan. Fuck you, bitch! Suck my dick! Dumb bitch! This guy's got to start a restaurant called Fuck You Bitch. I wouldn't eat there. Yeah, take your clam chowder, you fucking bitch! Ha ha ha!

You dumb bitch. That guy's awesome. I mean, he's set for life, that guy. I mean, I would eat there every day. He's applying to a restaurant job. They're like, are you the guy that had the meltdown? Yeah, it was me, bitch. Pussy. You bitch. I start on Monday, kid. Here's your omelet, dog. Should we plug some dates you guys got coming up? We got the Route 66 special out now. Go check that out.

Thank you. And then the Back on the Block tour starting March 8th in Pontiac, Michigan. Then we're going all through the Midwest. Indy. A lot of them are sold out, but Indy, Madison. Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Minneapolis. Then in April, we got Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh and Cleveland. And then we're taking the summer off. Woo!

You guys prefer a club? What do you guys do? Music venues? Funny you mention that. We've cracked into theaters a little bit. Hell yeah. We like some of the theaters. Love the Wilba. Theaters on a weekend, and if we're doing a week, then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday will be clubs. Good call. And you're on Punch-Up as well here. Yeah, Punch-Up. Yeah?

Shout out to Danny. Danny Frankel, our buddy. Look at that. Cleveland sold out. Cleveland always coming through. We'll do the really good club. Like Cleveland, Hilarities, Hobbs. One of the best clubs. I love all those good. Charlotte Comedy Zone, Kill Box. I love that room. I love that room. That's a classic. Tough to get to that bathroom. Yeah, that bathroom's tough. That bathroom's rough. But yeah, we try to do the clubs that we really like and then theaters in the bigger cities. Hell yeah. All right, all right, all right.

Uh-oh. The den. When does this come out? The den theme. Oh, second. Got it. You're building up or you're amping up the tape? I'm building up. I'm almost done with the hour, but I'm doing the Adam Ray thing, the Dr. Phil in Chicago. So I said, fuck it. Let me go the night before and do the den. Great room. Great room. Love it. So I'll be doing the den. That'll be coming up.

Might sell out Atlantis Casino in Reno, which is like Vegas' Downsy little brother. Oh, yeah. Then we're at the Nashville, Ryman, Napa, Santa Barbara, Asheville, Bristol, Tennessee, New Brunswick, Ithaca, Reykjavik. Then we're going all the way to the UK and whatever that is. And, yeah, all kinds of stuff. Cardiff, Birmingham, London, Glasgow. That's where they'll stab you over there. There you go.

belfast rochester portchester albany oh i got a pizza rack in belfast oh really really no no jared free came on talking about this guy too he's awesome oh yeah that's right uh

All right. Yeah. We got a, yeah. New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth. We added a late show there, baby. Love you guys. Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto on a Tuesday. Come out guys. We got Buffalo, Albany, Columbus, and then in April. Yeah. Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, Iowa. Never been St. Louis. Yeah. You skip past one there, buddy. Kansas city. Uh,

Minneapolis. Phoenix. It's going hard. End of the year. Phoenix, another show. San Diego. SAC. SF. Masonic. Can't wait for that shit. Never played there. Portland, we just added a late show there. Seattle. That's a Monday, so please buy those. Oh, wow. You're scaring me. Seattle, the more, the best.

Vancouver, we just had a late show too. Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake, and Denver. Punchup.live slash samorell slash tickets. All of us. Samorell.com slash shows. Ours getting better, baby. And we're having some fun while we're doing it. Got a hot show. You too. Two of the best. We love you. We love you guys. You guys are the best. I noticed you guys skipping Rhode Island. Hey. We're working on New England. Calcues, get the mace.

Jail this pussy quick. And of course, you know, to listen to their pod. I'm sure you already do all your garbage. The most fun pod. Hell yeah. This guy's great, isn't he? Yeah, he's killer. You had Nate recently. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. He was great. Yeah, he was fantastic. Oh, yeah. I mean, he came in and kind of broke the game. He just said yes to every question. Like, have you done this? He's like, yeah, I'll do that. Jesus Christ. Just don't fart on him. That's all I've heard. He hasn't been back since. Ha ha.

We'll broker a peace agreement. Yes. All right, boys. Thanks. Love you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit about his post. Down in the same way. Up on the roof like it's feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't remember her. And I'll be true.