Ep 23: Bloody Marys
01:22:40 Share

We might be drunk, we might be drunk As long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk Raise a glass, let's talk shit Pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit Maybe drunk, we might be drunk Yeah! Ah! Here we are, folks. We might be drunk. It's midday on a Wednesday. It's raining out in New York City.

And what are we drinking here, Sammy baby? Bloody Mary's is, it's the ultimate day drink. You got that right. It's pretty nice. Good hangover cure. I feel like Draper, you know, he had a rough night with some hooah, and then he goes home and has one of these at the office. You just combine the two best dramas ever, maybe. Draper and hooah. What was that? She was a hooah.

Sopranos. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking you were... I thought you were talking about Pacino. Ooh, no. What was that called? Son of a Woman. Son of a Woman. That was... That movie, we've talked about in this podcast before. It's one of those horrible movies that every Thanksgiving, if it's on TV, I just watch. Can't not watch it. It's very watchable. Yes. But it's...

Like, dude, a blind guy driving a car and it's supposed to be like a feel good moment. You're like, this is how people die. I know. You nearly killed a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Chris O'Donnell. He was so cute. He was a cute kid. 90s, very 90s, very watchable kind of fun drama with heart.

but it was a real I owe you Oscar. Yes, yes, exactly. We burned you on Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon, all these classics and all like, just fucking take it. It's like Departed. That was like one of Scorsese's weirdest movies and that's the one he got. No, it was a good movie. It's good, but it's no Raging Bull. It's no Goodfellas. It's no, even Cape Fear I love. Yeah. King of Comedy. King of Comedy. We both love After Hours. Love After Hours, but then Departed. What are you going to do? Chop me up and feed me to the poor? Yeah.

You white-laced curtain fuck. I like that every cop in that movie is just quoting Joyce. Yeah, I know, right? Every Boston cop reads James Joyce. Yeah, and everybody's got a toad. Alec Baldwin's like, God damn it, get over here. And he hits the guy with the file. That was a great scene. That was a great scene. He's got the tit sweat going. So funny.

Who the fuck are you? I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy. Yeah, they're just fist fighting in the backseat. Like, what are we doing here? It's fun, though. It is fun. I saw it in the theater twice. Don't get me wrong. It's a fun ass. It's also ridiculous. He's just saying the N-word in that intro for no reason.

Like, there's no reason to open this movie with this many N-bombs. Right. You're a black guy in Boston. You don't need my help to get fucked. Anthony Anderson's in that for like eight minutes. He's great in it. Yeah, yeah. Based on a Japanese film. Yeah, Infernal Affairs. Is that it? Yeah. Not internal. It's infernal. Infernal. Can we double check that, Harry? Check it out. We got a new screen coming up. Yeah, I think you nailed it. Infernal. There you go.

Yeah. What does infernal mean? I have no idea. All right, good. I just remember the name. Huh. Like, remember they did that movie Vanilla Sky with Tom Cruise? Yeah. That was Abre Los Ojos, and that was supposed to be great. That was also Penelope Cruz. She was in both of them. Imagine being, like, that is, she gets shit on a lot, but, like, you're in the Spanish and English version of the movie. That's impressive. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, it's like when Tom Segura does Spanish stand-up. You're like, Jesus, who is this? Like, a gifted child? Yeah.

That's crazy. Very impressive. Or Carmen Lynch, same thing. Yeah, that's right. You know, yeah, it's funny. We were just talking about Salacuse, our boy. He gets a mention on almost every podcast, our buddy Salacuse. But he's saying how our podcast, we start,

we start with a high we hit we hit a wall because we get drunk and then the second half we kind of slow down yeah and he's like you need something he goes like you know homeless pimp who does chris de stefano's podcast we're like of course we know him he goes he's got great ideas like he's like producing it he's got great ideas one of his ideas is uh

Chrissy Edibles. Like, Chris takes edibles. I'm like, you think we couldn't come up with doing drugs? I know. We could just do a bump on the back half. How about that, Sally? It's noon. You think we couldn't have cracked that? We're already doing a drug. Yeah, good point. But it's not enough. I need heroin.

Like, that'll keep us high. That'll keep us up. We're just both, like, drooling on minute 51. Yeah. Boy, this, just the taste. You know what? A smell can bring you back. Yeah. The taste of this reminds me of, like, being in the park in New Orleans, like, 19 years old, chugging these just to try to kill the hangover.

Yeah, killing a hangover is a young man's game, though. You get a little older and you kind of just got to take it. Take it. You deserve the punishment and you got to ride it out because if you just keep getting back on that horse, it'll never end.

Yeah, you keep killing the hangover. I mean, that's what like all the great writers... I think like all the great writers of their day were just alcoholics. I know. How the fuck did they do it? Well, I don't think they knew the health risk that they were actually doing. I think they were just like, hey, I feel good now. You know, like they all had elixirs. This is my snake oil. This is my tonic. You gotta know the health... Like just how a hangover makes you feel. You gotta be like, this can't be good. Can't be good. Yeah, my body is telling me something. But...

You know, you see those old Guinness ads. It's like makes you strong, gets you laid, helps you fight and all this shit. And you're like, maybe I do need one. Makes you think you're strong. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, these writers, man, you know what it was? They needed to create obstacles because they didn't have like they didn't have like Hemingway and Bukowski, all these alcoholic writers. They didn't have the distraction of the Internet.

I know. They weren't distracted like, oh, look at all these cats that look like Tommy Lee Jones on BuzzFeed. They didn't have to deal with that shit. Right. That's so true. They just stared at the sea. Yeah. That was all they needed or a beautiful woman or whatever, the sunset. That's what it was. It was women because all these guys were either divorced or sex addicts. Totally. Totally. How many women were divorced? Like four times. Bukowski had a book, Women, where it's like literally just flying women out.

To his place. And it's like, by the way, that's, you think like dating apps are fucking sketchy. Yeah. He'd look at one picture and be like, I'm buying a plane ticket. Well, the guy looked like a fucking gargoyle. I mean, he's one of the ugliest men in history. He was very ugly. And he had a thing for ugly chicks, I think. Yeah. He was like all over like fat chicks and all this stuff. So he was probably like the first ugly guy to make it and get laid.

God, there's got to be people before. I mean, like fucking Napoleon. Yeah, good point. Good point. By the way, Napoleon, an Italian guy. Yeah. I didn't know that. I always thought he was French. Oh, no. The wise guys love him. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

Didn't Tony have a picture of him on his... And then Pauly changed it to Tony. Yeah. That was great. That was great. And Tony sees it like, what the fuck? Yeah. He's my favorite character, hands down. Pauly Walnuts? Yeah, Pauly Walnuts. It's not that we might be drunk if we don't mention Salicues and Sopranos every episode. That's true. Good point. He's the best. He's so funny. He loves his mother. I love when he punches out Chrissy for making fun of him. He calls his mom a whore, so he punches him during the intervention. I mean, come on.

The intervention is the best. Chris is probably my favorite, but... Oh, I like Chris, too. Chrissy. They were the best. When he sits on little Cosette. Brutal. Tony can murder any human, but you fuck with an animal, you're dead to him. That's like a great sign of a sociopath. That's right. That's true. Serial killers still worry about animals. They'll bludgeon a woman with a pipe, but don't hurt a cat. So weird. Yeah. I don't like...

animal stuff either. Even when I see like a little kid playing with a cat too rough, I'm like, ah, what are you doing? I hate that shit. Yeah, when people like, you ever see someone who's like rough with their dog and you're just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I know, I know. I mean, we've talked about it before with the blowing weed smoke in the dog's face or putting beer in the bowl. You're like, come on. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, give the guy a break. What, uh, what else is going on, man? Oh, well, we were talking about Sand of a Woman. I wanted to veer off to this.

What do you think about Stevie Wonder? Some people have a conspiracy theory that he's not blind. What? Yeah. Well, there's some video, Matt or Harry, if you pull it up, there's a video of somebody throwing him a microphone and he catches it. Have you heard about this? Or am I just drunk at night on YouTube in my pajamas with half a boner? Is this? Uh-huh. Here we go. Is Stevie Wonder blind? Then how'd he grab the mic?

Maybe he's like daredevil blind. Oh, there's Paul McCartney. We're doing some kind of a big... Hey, look, it fell there. Oh, he grabbed it. Let me see. Watch this. He drops the microphone and he caught it. Maybe he felt it. Maybe he felt it. I'm sure he's blind. All right. Everybody's got a theory about everything. There's all these conspiracy theory podcasts. I think ours was debunked in 12 seconds.

I think that lasted not even 30 seconds. Pretty impressive, though. He still caught that microphone. Well, they say your other senses are raised if you're blind. I mean, like, if you see blind people on the street, they're pretty good with the stick, usually. That's true. They do know where they're, I mean, you know. A blind guy walking around New York, that's like a kid in the Vatican. I mean, it's just high risk. What are you, crazy? Yeah.

I don't know if his name escapes me right now. He's a really funny guy. Does drug special Shane something blonde? Shane Moss? Yes. He's a joker. He goes, if you got the right pair of sunglasses, you can take a seeing eye dog just about anywhere. Oh, no, a dog at just about anywhere. See, I fucked up the joke. That's funny. You can take a dog just about anywhere. That's a great, great observation. Yeah. Speaking of the seeing eye dog, and this sounds like a bit, but I think it's just a fun idea. Yeah.

If you're like a worker dog, seeing eye, anxiety dog, cop dog, whatever it is, bomb squad dog. Yeah. You got to want to be drug dog the most. First of all, you're at the airport. You're kind of hanging out. You can sniff coke. I'm sure you get a little bump every now and then. Or you're in like Bolivia. I don't know. It seems like seeing eye dog. I'm like taking this retard to the park. Sorry. I'm taking this handy to the park and, you know, whatever. Yeah.

You know, okay, maybe we'll walk around a little bit. I got to pull this guy through traffic. But the drug dog is like living. They command the most respect too. Yes. They're like leading the cop around.

Right. They're being led around. They're like, follow me. I got a lead. That's a great point. And you go, yeah, of course. Go, baby. You got it. That's a good, that's a great observation. Yeah, the CNI dog is definitely, you're basically a nanny. You're a nanny. You're babysitting. You're like the bitch for the, you're helping the guy. All right, come on. Let's go. Let's go. You're about to get hit by a car. But the drug dog is living. Who picks up after the CNI dog? Ooh.

That's a great question I love it Write that down Really God there's no way That's not been done I think it might have been done But that's a funny angle Yeah who's picking up that

Yeah, see, it's been done. Ah, okay. Yeah, damn. It's like a meme. All right. Damn. It's a great question, though. It is a good question. Yeah, also, the blind guy's got to wipe his ass, and you've got to help? Like, how does that work with the blind guy ass wiping? That's a Robert Schimmel joke. Oh, it's... How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass? Yeah, exactly. But I think the seeing-eye dog has to assist with the ass wiping, I assume. Yeah, I don't know about that.

Do you really? What, with their paw? What do you think they're doing? Well, they got a lot of fur. That's when I know I'm getting too drunk is when I'm using my pets as a napkin. The cat walks by and I'm like, hang on, I got some ketchup on my hand there. You got barbecue sauce in your jeans and your puppy's head. Yeah.

Terrible. Yeah, I use jeans as a napkin too much. Oh, man. Same. Same. They should make napkins out of denim just because I'm so used to that. Those are cool pants, by the way. Thank you. I got these at the Gap on the road on sale because I was out of pants. I don't see cargo pants that fit a lot. They always seem too baggy. Those look like they fit. They fit like a glove. They're tapered at the bottom, and I put my merch money in the cargos. Ooh.

Yeah. So when I put my shit through the security at the airport, no one thinks about, I got wads and wads of hundreds in here. And it just goes right through. It's a shady look for the airport, though. It is. It does make you look like you have a dime bag in one of those pockets, you know? No doubt about it. And if they pulled it out, they'd be like, what's all this cash about? And I'm like, I sell shirts that say comedy on them. That's, I swear to God, that's a thing.

It's, yeah, you don't see cargo shorts that fit. That's a big victory. I heard a woman once say, because cargo shorts are out. Are they? Yeah. Who can keep up with fashion? But, like, all these women were like, hey, man, we wear cargo shorts. You're a dork, whatever. And one woman wrote, all these guys were like, I didn't know that. Sorry. And one woman wrote, uh...

Just wear the fucking shorts if you want to wear them. That's the hottest thing. Exactly. To me, that's like fashion. It's just like not, I mean, and I don't know it. So, but to me, it's like, just do what you want to do. Yes. And confidence kind of comes through. I think guys, when you really remember an outfit, they're fucking up. Ooh.

If it's like a little too loud. So true. If you remember an outfit, it means the dude wore a shirtless George Costanza shirt. Right, right. Posing the art of seduction. Yeah. They're like, oh shit, I remember. That ain't good. A black t-shirt and like a jean jacket. No one fucking... Exactly. You want a hint of you? Yeah. I think a shoe or a shirt can really pop in a good way. But yeah, you don't want...

You don't want to be memorable. You don't want to stand out. Anytime a guy goes, can I pull this off? You probably can't. Exactly. That's a hint of you. That might be our, we might be drunk cologne if we come out. Ooh.

Cologne is kind of douchey to me. Cologne's a problem. You know, so I'm at, no offense Vinnie Brand. I was just at Bridgeport Stress Factory and Vinnie is going on. He's like, I'm going to get you your first cologne. I was like, I'm going to throw it in the fucking garbage if you get me a cologne. He goes, smell this. Tell me you don't notice how good this smell is. I was like, I'm not going to smell you. I don't want to smell you. And if I can smell you, like even if it's subtle, I'd rather, I think women also,

prefer a natural scent we've talked about we prefer a natural scent on women yeah and just the idea of going i can't live with myself doing that it feels like a douchebag it feels like was there a time when cologne was more acceptable i feel like i think so yeah i think it was well aftershave i can do because you know it's very mad you know you shave and you do a little my dad used to do that and you know his teeth would smell like a dad like it's like english leather or whatever the hell it was aftershave is kind of manly it's kind of

Because it hurts when you put it on. It hurts. Exactly. Men have to feel pain. So I felt like that old bit, like men, when they hug, they hit because we still have to be hurting each other. That's a great point.

That is true. Yeah, you know, I remember even when Axe body spray first came out, like, I was using that as a substitute for roll-on deodorant, which you can't do. No, no. I didn't realize that. I went to a basketball camp in Philly, and I was, like, the only white kid at the camp. Yeah. And they were all like, what the fuck? Like, you need real deodorant. That was, like, it became a thing to shit on me. Yeah. For using Axe body spray. I was just, I'm lazy. I just grabbed it and ran out, you know. And just.

Yeah, yeah. But when you're sweating all week at a basketball camp, holy shit. It has no antiperspirant. It just smells good, I think. I don't like antiperspirant, though. I like powder.

I use women's deodorant. I'm saying it right here first. Yeah, I use the secret. That's how it starts. Next week you're going to be telling me about your underwear. Yeah. There's more give. I also shave my legs, but we'll get to that later. I'm going to bend over. You're going to bend over to tie your shoes. I'm like, is that a thong Mark's wearing? What the hell? That's riding up the whale tail. Yeah. No, I use women's deodorant because I like the powder. I don't like the jelly, gooey.

liquid shit. Yeah, I hate, I hate, ooh, remember when it would be like, it would look like Play-Doh? You would do the little twist on deodorant? Oh, yeah. It would come out like Play-Doh and you're like, well, you think I want like moisture in here? Exactly, I'm wet enough. Jelly's gross. I don't mind the roll-on though and it just kind of goes. I like a roll-on. I like a roll-on, yeah. Roll-on is good. I just, I like to sweat. I think sweating's natural. I don't want to not sweat. I guess, but I hate when I'm at the, you know, at the DMV and just feel that boop, that drip.

I hate that drip. It's like an IV for a comatose. Well, if you're hungover, a hungover sweat. There's nothing quite like it. No, or a bomb sweat, which I know is not relatable, but Joe List one time bombed so hard on an outdoor corporate gig, and he was wearing a suit, and he took his blazer off, and he had a dress shirt on, and the whole back was wet, and it was a great photo. He just showed the photo. Wow. It was perfect. Damn. A back sweat. I get that so bad on a bomb.

Yeah. Yeah, it's weird when you start to... I remember there's a Bill Hicks special where he's just sweating his ass off. I think it's his half hour with One Night Stand, which is a great special, HBO. But his sweat was fucking crazy. Oh, you got a picture? Yeah, this is...

Yeah, black people were smart enough to just bring the towel. Whitey never really did the towel. It looks weird when you're, well, I mean, Bernie Mac sweating back in the day. Certain comics, I think Martin Lawrence was a sweater. Oh, yeah. I mean, he almost went into a coma from sweating. Do you remember? What? Didn't Martin Lawrence go into a coma from, I think he was jogging.

And he wanted to lose weight, so he was wearing a sweatshirt while he jogged. Wow. I mean, Martin Lawrence, to be fair, though, would wear a full leather suit with no shirt under it. So he's basically like cutting weight to get on the wrestling team during his set. That is true. It's like doing Kegels, you know? Yeah.

I'm doing them now. Yeah, Tim Kaluuya in an upcoming movie had to put on several layers of clothing to sweat off the pounds he subsequently suffered heat stroke. Wow. When he arrived at the medical center in Thousand Oaks, California, Lawrence clocked in with 107 degree body temperature. Holy shit, man. Damn.

Was this before or after the nervous breakdown on the highway with the handgun? I don't know. Man, Martin Lawrence was a great comic actor, though. His show was great. So good. I loved Martin. I even liked the movies that weren't there. Even like Blue Streak. It's got Chappelle in it. I still liked it. I love Blue Streak. Yeah. Yeah, he's a talent. Bad boys. And we've all heard the Chris Rock story where he blew him off stage. Really? You never heard this? No, I never heard this. Oh, man.

Chris Rock was on SNL, so he's blowing up a little bit, and he's a good stand-up. But he's like us. He's like a joke guy. Sure, he's got a little more energy and he paces, but he should just stand there and tell jokes. He's at Cleveland Improv or somewhere. Martin Lawrence, unheard of, no name, opener guy.

kills kills and he was like i can't follow that and he bombed so after that he started prowling the stage and everything because he knew he couldn't just stand and deliver it had to do the energy thing so that fucked his whole world up fuck yeah martin lawrence man just an unknown murderer yeah i remember you so crazy i used to watch that dvd all the time as a kid mm-hmm

What was the one with the cleavage on the cover? It was like the hottest cover. Matt, pull it up. It was After Dark or Talking Dirty After Dark. As a kid, that was pretty hot for me. It's just tits on a box. Cleavage shot. It's a special. Oh, God. We're going to get to come up here, too. I think they do that in post. Oh, okay. Yeah. Come on. Come on.

I remember a thin line between love and hate. The woman in that movie was so hot. Do you remember that movie? No, I don't know if I caught that one. That was Martin Lawrence. Yeah, I loved Martin Lawrence, man. Yeah, I did too. Is he still going? Yeah, he just did the new Bad Boys movie. Oh, great, great. With Will Smith. That actually did good numbers, I think. I think that was like the last movie to do good numbers before the pandemic. Oh, wow. Damn. But yeah, man, it was like...

Yeah, there we go. Lynn Whitfield, I think. She's hot, right? She's really pretty. Holy shit. No, it was a comedy special, I swear to God. I think it was HBO, After Dark, Talking Dirty. Damn it. It was just, the whole box was just two boobs. Oh, man. Now I feel like I'm crazy. I'm losing it. But we'll find it. We can't just stare at a screen. But yeah. Yeah, Martin Lawrence, underrated. What a beast. Damn, I had something about the purse. Oh, yeah.

I go powder. I tried it one day on the road. That's all they had, and I needed deodorant, and I never went back. Big fan. Powder. Secret. Strong enough for a man. You go women's powder. I do women's powder. Jesus. Oh, yeah.

Secret. I used to have a joke about how like, you know, if you get a, you know, men doing little things like, you know, like if you get a sex change, people say you're a hero. If you transition, well, you're very brave. But if I get like my eyebrows tweezed, they're like, you fucking pussy. You do the little things, you get called out for it. So true. But if you go all in. So true. So the little things, I think about that and you're like, yeah, I could see ladies. I mean, I've used girlfriend's deodorant before.

Yeah. Because you just feel like, well, it's there and I don't have it. Right, right. That's a good point. I think it's the same for women. Like if a woman, you know, transitions, that's great. But if a woman's like eating a chili dog and wearing boxers, nah, that's still kind of hot. Women like an oversized shirt. They love an oversized shirt. Women like to feel small. Yes.

Which is not what men want. We're the opposite. I always wonder, like, smaller guys who date taller women, like, you think, like, you think Nicole Kidman ever threw on a Tom Cruise's shirts on? Like, yeah, this doesn't really fit. Yeah, he's got to be, what, 5'7"? 5'7". Wow. Did you hear that story that just came out about Tom Cruise and how he saved Elizabeth Shue's life? There was, like, a helicopter blade. Harry, you probably pulled this up. Tom Cruise helicopter Elizabeth Shue.

uh yeah it's like a reverse jonathan landis whatever happened here he saved her wow he's a real life action star he saved her from yeah spinning blades while on set part of me is like can you do you need the real blades i know right you fake guns yeah he's an odd duck that cruise you hear all these stories how he's like the greatest guy and like i remember bill hader told a story about how he uh

He like he heard someone in his family was dying or very ill and he made sure the set was like boom, boom, boom to get him out of there. Oh, wow. So you hear all these great things. I just think Scientology has got to be rough. Yeah, it seems like they got a grip on you and they don't let go. They squeeze you to death because they know all your secrets. Deodorant.

But yeah, he's an odd duck. Apparently, Jimmy Kimmel has that story about how he showed up at his Super Bowl with his mom and cupcakes. And he's like, oh, hey. While drinking beers, watching football, and you show up with your mom. And then he's one of these guys who just does push-ups randomly. Really? Because he's like, ah, we're wasting time. I can be productive. I can do push-ups. That's funny.

That is fucking hilarious. I know. That's like a thing you see a character do in a movie and you're like, shut up. Exactly. That's like Ari Gold on Entourage. Yeah, he's comedy gold, but he's not trying to be funny. You know, he's on Oprah's couch, you know, going nuts. That was fucking brutal. Brutal. Brutal. But, you know. I do love Tom Cruise, though. I do, too. He does his own stunts. And, boy, he looks amazing for his age. He looks amazing. He looks amazing for our age. Yeah.

For his age. He's got fucking abs. Yeah. He's like 60. By the way, Vanilla Sky, he's in that. Yeah. Is that a good movie or not? It feels like it's departed-y. It's on the line. I can't tell. You know what it is? It kind of is. It's weird and it's interesting, but I don't know if it's quite good. I feel the same way. It doesn't all the way make sense, I don't think. Yeah. It's almost like when you have a drug-fueled dream or something and it's just like-

It's like a dream sequence episode of a show where you're like, did this just waste my time or was it kind of riveting? I can't tell. Can't tell. I know. I'm with you. He's great in it. He's great. The ladies are super hot and it's a great idea. And it's Cameron Crowe who does great work. Great or horrible. Great or horrible. Great or horrible.

So it's like you can't. That was one where you're like, I don't know. I don't know. But I saw it in the theater. I remember leaving being like, that was good, right? And my date was like, yeah, I think so. It was cool to see in the theater because it was like so, you know, big. The movie was so big. But yeah, I mean, Tom Cruise, so many. My favorite role of his ever was Magnolia. He got robbed at the Oscar that year, man. Unbelievable movie. Is that, that's a PTA. Yeah. Unbelievable.

movie that movie's incredible I haven't seen it forever I wonder if it holds up oh I saw it like a year ago and I loved it again C. Reilly is great he like steals the show in that movie Hoffman is great yes the intertwining stories I love that movie William H. Macy oh my god William H. Macy one of the most underrated actors such a tragic character I mean I think Fargo is in my top five movies ever wow yeah no I can't can't argue with that

Can't go wrong with Cohen. See, they've had some shit too. Which ones are shit? Well, we talked about this before. I don't love the Clooney one. Oh, Intolerable Cruelty? I don't love it. It's like a throwback Hollywood screwball comedy. I think it's pretty good. That's true. I think it's a different movie and I'm like,

I love Clooney, man. I do, too. I think he's great. So I think he's pretty funny in it. And Catherine Zeta-Jones is so fucking hot in it. Yeah, yeah. I still can't get over her laser beam scene in Entrapment. Yes. Woo! Don't pull that up, Matt, because it'll get us all excited. Yeah, we don't need to fucking pitch a tent in here. Yeah, in the mid-'90s, it didn't get any hotter than that, but going below a laser.

Sean Connery, man. Fucking a toast to fucking Sean Connery. Oh, yes. Because we lost him and he's a bad motherfucker. I'll tell you one of my favorite movies ever, The Man Who Would Be King. I think it's based on Rudyard Kipling. I don't know that one. Yeah, dude, The Man Who Would Be King. It's Sean Connery.

Michael Caine is incredible. Oh, yeah. And I think Christopher Plummer, one of the best movies ever. Wow. It's fucking phenomenal. That's quite a review. Yeah. It's like these guys who basically, I haven't seen in years, but it's incredible.

These guys who basically overtake a village and they trick them into thinking they're gods and things go pretty fucking bad. But it's really, really good. Okay. I got to check that out. Yeah. Harry, look up. It's Rudyard Kipling, The Man Who Would Be King. It's a different name, the book. I don't know what it's called.

Sean Connery, famous for bar fights. Really? Oh, yeah. Scottish guys are the toughest guys. It's not the name. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know why, but it's a different name for sure. Whatever. Kipling. I'm pretty sure I could be fucking totally wrong here. Yeah, I'm still worried about the Martin Lawrence special. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'm telling you, that exists. We're all over this shit because we go from Lawrence to Connery. We'll go anywhere, man. Oh, yeah. I love – I got another toast to me. Oh, please. I don't know if I've done this because, you know, we drink on this every week, which could be a start to any sentence we ever say on this. But a toast to – you ever go to your local sandwich shop? Uh-huh. And my guy will go – he'll go, the regular –

And I said, yeah. And he just makes the sandwich. Oh, you mentioned this before. I love it. That's the bet. The usual. So this is a toast into a peeve. All right. Ooh. He said the regular today, and he gave me American cheese instead of cheddar. Oh, that stings. Blow my fucking heart. That hurts. I got an issue. American cheese is fine, but here's my issue with it. It sticks to the top of your fucking mouth. Yeah, you got that right. It's the Captain Crunch of cheese. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

There's issues. It affects the top of your mouth. It's definitely the most chemically fake-y process. That's why it's American. You know, it's got all the shit in it. But yeah, you're right. It's the fake tits of cheese. It's the fake tits of cheese. It works. And I actually like eating it plain. I'll just like the way Homer Simpson would just eat Kraft singles. Yeah. I'll fucking do that. All day. I'm with you. But I like cheddar on my eggs, man. Oh, I love it. That's my go-to. I'm with you. What's the difference between cheddar and American?

Is there a big difference? Because they're the same goddamn color. I don't know, but I'm going by the taste here. Harry, can we pull that up, the difference between cheddar and American? I've always wondered that. I like cheddar better.

Yeah, I think I do too. But they kind of work on a lot of this. Like you could do turkey cheddar, turkey American. You kind of do either. Yeah. You know what feels good to order? I feel like I know some shit was when I ordered pepper jack. Give me the pepper jack. Pepper jack is good shit. That's good shit. I like provolone. I like Swiss. I'm a big cheese queef. I love cheese. I'll fuck with some jalapeno cheddar. You ever do that? Habanero.

Oh, that's good. That's the good shit. Oh, dude, you got to be careful because you're going to pay for that later. That's true. You can't start the day with a Bloody Mary and a habanero cheddar. I'll tell you that right now. You'll be shitting fire. Yeah, that's so true. Cheese, man. That's why cheese is an upcharge. It's like that old Chris Rock joke. Damn, she had to get some cheese on her Whopper. Ha ha.

Cheddar's a hard English cheese while American is smooth and creamy processed. Yeah, it's processed. You're right. It's fake. Fake titties. Fake tits of cheese. Cheddar's big tits, but they're natural. Yeah, big natties.

Cheddar. And you know what's weird is when it's sharp. I love a sharp cheddar. Sharp cheddar is just the best. I don't like white American or white cheddar. Easy. That's the great, like, the ethnic comic move where you're just like, why has it got to be white cheddar? You're just like, I feel like this doesn't have anything to do with race. White chocolate sucks, am I right? It's all about real chocolate. Dark chocolate. I do like dark chocolate better, though. I like milk better.

Yeah, you get aged cheddar. There's no aged American. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we get rid of our old people. We don't respect them. Cuomo, talking to you. Nursing home. Yeah, you're right. That's fascinating. Interesting. Very American of us. Very American. Processed and there's no aged. Craft singles.

There's something sad about America and being the single one. Yeah. Yeah. Can't find anybody. So true. It's got to be on its own. And much like people in America, if they have flaws, like you throw out a, you tear a craft single, it's worthless. It's got to be the full square. Yeah.

Damn, that's a good point. You know what I do love, though? I was going to trash package cheese, but I'm string cheese till I die, dude. I like string cheese, too. Just peeling it apart. It feels fun. It's a project. Yeah. It's fun. You do a thing while you eat it. I like it brings you back to childhood. Something about this pandemic brought me back to childhood nostalgia. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, there's something about having like a sugary cereal. Oh, I love a sugary cereal. Or, you know.

string cheese man yeah i'm a sucker for some chocolate milk yeah i love a good choco milko dude there was there was a run for chocolate milk where they were like you can have it after a workout it's got a lot of protein that's right apparently first of all i think it was invented in jamaica fun fact really give it a goog and uh it's apparently it gives you more energy than an energy drink

It's the sugar. It's all sugar, yeah. And I guess the milk has some protein. I don't know. But yeah, give me a Yoo-Hoo and I'll blow you. I love a Yoo-Hoo. Yoo-Hoo sounds like what you say to someone before you blow them. Yeah, Yoo-Hoo. Yoo-Hoo. Yeah, that's one hell of a crazy straw you got there. But yeah. I do love Yoo-Hoo. Yoo-Hoo. I mean, Nesquik might be my fave. That's my go-to, man. This is where I'm going to lose you, though. I don't like strawberry milk.

It's great for the first sip. Yeah. And then you lose me. They even do banana milk now. And I'm like, slow down. Oh, God. That's like the femdom of. Yes. That's like, you know, put me in a leather suit and beat me with chocolate milk, people. And like, I want the classic. Just fuck missionary. Yes. And I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. Don't peg me with your banana milk. I like vanilla chocolate milk, though. Vanilla milk. Vanilla milk. Yeah, they do. That feels like an oxymoron. There's too many whites. Yeah.

and milk? I don't know. It feels like an overlap, but I'll try it. They call it the departed. I'll tell you, I'll do some eggnog. You fucking love eggnog. I love eggnog. I'll drink eggnog in the summer.

Yeah, I like nutmeg and cinnamon and anything. Oh, yeah. Can't go wrong with cinnamon. Back to cheese, though. The Swiss cheese guy, whoever invented Swiss cheese is a genius because he's saving like 30% of his income just putting holes in that shit. He's doing what the donut and the bagel people did. Yes. But he took it over to cheese. And there's even more holes. There's way more holes in this story. And what he should do is keep those holes and sell that. Swiss holes. It also became used as an insult.

A-hole? No, like if you're playing bad defense. He's playing Swiss cheese defense. This story's got a lot of holes in it. Holes are a negative. Yeah, that's true. And it still works. That's true. Yeah, it still works because it differentiates from the Cheddars and the Provolones because it's got holes in it. Holes. Holes. Swiss hole, by the way, sounds like an asshole from Switzerland.

I also don't like hole. I mean, glory hole. That's not a good hole either. That's not great, but they are socially distant. You're cutting off the breath. All right. But yeah, no, you're right. Hey, hey, we might be drunk, folks. It's brought to you by honey. Oh, yeah. You know, we all, especially with this pandemic, we all shop online. We all look for coupons. We're all looking for a hot deal. That's the genius of honey. Honey? Honey?

You don't have to search anymore for a promo code or anything. Honey is free browser extension that scours the internet for discount codes.

When you're ready to check out, Honey automatically applies the best one. Instant savings. That is a genius idea. You got to get on, Honey. You got to do it today so you can save some cash. Honey has found its customers over $2 billion in savings. Supported by over 30,000 stores online, buy anything from tech and gaming products to beer and wine.

You got to get on it. I buy shoes all the time online. I buy like toilet paper and toothpaste. Why the hell not? You know, I don't want to go to the store and I could use honey to get all these deals and steals. It's so nice. I used to have a guy that would always type in promo code for this thing that honey does this automatically. It is pretty damn cool. Yeah.

If you don't already have honey, you could be straight up missing out on free savings. It's literally free. Yeah. It installs in just a few seconds. Save some dough and support this podcast. Get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash drunk. That's joinhoney.com slash drunk and get that honey, baby. Yeah.

Buy some cheese, have it delivered, and get a deal. I do like Swiss cheese a lot. I do, too. It might be my favorite cheese. Really? Yeah, I think so. It gets hate on. It does. It's because of the holes, I guess. No, I think it's because some people think it's got a weird flavor. Maybe that's what I like about it. It's a mature flavor. Yeah. By the way, the first guy to eat cheese was pretty optimistic. It's old milk. And he was like, I'll eat it. Fuck it.

I bet they didn't get it all the way right first time. He just had some in-between shit. It was pretty damn bad. Totally, totally. But it's a symbol for you can still work with something even if it's...

You know, because it's rotten milk that's been out for too long. And yet it's hugely popular. Raisins. Raisins. Another great example. Optimism. You never know. Even the first guy to eat a lemon was probably like, whew, I can use this. Yes. You know, because that's. Just a hint. Just a hint. Exactly. So things can be spun to a positive. All these negative cunts out there who just turn everything down. These no men. Get out.

out of here. We wouldn't have these great things if you were around. You negative Nancy. Yeah. No man negative Nancy.

You got both groups there. You know, I think something about Swiss cheese is so adult. Like, I feel like if you don't like Swiss cheese, you probably don't go down on women. Yeah, that's true. You're probably like, yeah, I don't know. Grow up. Grow up. They're both delicious, and they both take a man's palate. Or a woman. You know, some women don't want to exclude anybody. Sure. Swiss cheese and vagina, both are the adult. I'm going too far here, guys. No, I like it.

- I like it, I like it. Yeah, no, you're right. This whole, like some people like Cheez Whiz and all this, like come on, get out of here. - Well Cheez Whiz is like, it's like the American cheese people. The Cheez Whiz are like the Philly cheesesteak people. They want the cheese, but I'm a provolone guy for my cheesesteak. I don't go whiz. - That's a superior cheese for sure.

I'll do whatever because I don't want to get beat up by a psycho guy in Philly. But there's all these camps. I'm so sick of these camps. I'm a pro bologna. I'm a whiz guy. You got to go to Mikey's. I go to Pete's. Like, all right. Life's too short. We got to have these feuds. Gino's, Pat's. Yeah. You went to Pat's or Gino's. Those are the commercial ones. I'm here for two days. Get off my case. I know.

And also it tastes the exact same. I'm going to shit blood after. Let me get on with my life. Like a diarrhea. Isn't that all we really need to do here? Come on. I'm torturing myself eating this foot long of shitty meat and horrible cheese. And peppers. And I have to do two shows tonight. I can't move. Exactly. Yeah. Same that goes for you deep dish queefs out there. I got a knife and fork out and a bib on. Like what am I?

doing? I look like I ate out a chick on her period. I'm covered in red sauce. It's too much. The deep dish pizza is so aggressive. It's a lot. It's got a lot of confidence because like it really started like the anti-carb movement to go even harder. They're like, we're going even bigger. Like, fuck you. That's what happened. A lot of these places had health food movements and then the unhealthy places went even further. Like, you know, in Atlanta, Laughing Skull Place, they have like meals like the heart attack. It's a

It's a burger with two grilled cheese sandwiches for buns, hard-boiled eggs, bacon, slathered in butter. And you're like, do I want to die tonight? I know. I know. Also, do these shows play in third world countries? Can you imagine seeing that? I've been eating grass for like six months, and you're showing me a hard-boiled egg on top of a steak, on top of bacon, on top of a pancake. I mean, what are we doing to these people?

That's crazy. That's, what do you call it? Shaming.

It's so aggressive. It's funny. It's really a reaction to be like, fuck you. We don't care. But then she's like, how about the people that have to work at these places? I know. And then they're like, I don't have time to go out and get a meal. I guess I'll have the fried egg burger grilled cheese again. Yeah, exactly. This guy's 600 pounds. He needs some energy to serve people. Yeah, yeah. You got to learn CPR when you go there just because it's part of it. Get the CPAP machine and the defibrillator out.

Johnny's on his sixth heart attack. They do tater tot nachos. Those are good, though. They're fucking amazing. They're good, but you can have four of them because it's a fucking tater tot.

But yeah, I love it. It's so good. I don't feel like nachos and this is where I'll lose. By the way, we're turning into Sal Vulcano's pod. I'm a little worried here. Yeah, but we're behind a yes and in. They're versus each other. Good point. It's DeRosa and Sal versus each other. We're kind of just every once in a while we're going to talk food. We talk movies a ton. That's true. We did Sean O'Connor. Sean O'Connor. Sean Connery. Then we did Martin Lawrence. Yeah, we're all over the place here, folks. It's called stream of consciousness. But nachos, I feel like haven't been perfected.

Wow. Well, I got... I didn't know this side of you. Well, as a bit of an OCD and a bit of an analytical cum guzzler, I think... I don't like the pile on the top. Then you got these random...

that are naked on the side. I want it all to be... That's why I like soup and chili and gumbo and cream-based or whatever. Chowder. It's all on board. You're a real soup queef, Mark. I am. I'm a soup Nazi because I don't like the idea of this nacho getting half of what this one is who's completely buried in the goods. What are you, communist Cuba? It's interesting. You know...

You make an interesting point because during the pandemic, places, because of nachos for shared food, some restaurants would do like single nachos so you could still share them. But it would be like dressed every chip. Ah, now that I'm on board with. Salacuse and I went to a Mexican place and they did that. Yeah. Because I love nachos. I'm a big nacho guy. I like it. And I love the mixture. Like I love jalapenos. I love black olives. I love a little sour cream on there. Yeah. I love the salsa. I love a shitload of cheese. Like it is to me.

The feel-good communal food. Yes, yeah. You're at a bar. You're watching the game. You're with friends. You got a couple beers. I love nachos. I'm just worried because I don't want a plain chip. The chip to me is the vehicle for the chili, the sour cream, the jalapeno, the black bean, the cheese, guac, whatever it is. It's just a vehicle for me. Yeah. And so if I get a chip without the same amount as the middle guy...

I'm bummed. Well, this is a metaphor for something bigger. I mean, you have like a Bernie Sanders approach here. Nachos here. I mean, we got Jeff Bezos over here. It's smothered in cheese and black olives. We got someone over here. This is the food stamps of nachos. It's got nothing going on. Yes, yes, exactly. Exactly. This nacho's on Medicaid and this guy owns Tahiti. It's not fair. But yeah, Bezos. Oh, no, Bill Gates. Yeah, DeVos. I just saw Melinda on Bumble. All right.

No, that was a tweet. But yeah, yeah. How about that, huh? Yeah. I had a long, I was hanging out with Will Silvins. He drove me home last night and he was like, it's so weird. I thought women liked money. Like, why would she break up with him? I thought women liked rich guys. And I'm like, they do until they get the money. She's got half of it.

So she doesn't need him now. Well, it's funny when Bezos, he got divorced. His wife, I think, became like the second richest person. That's hilarious that you're that rich that the person you divorce becomes the next richest person. That's impressive. Yeah, so true. I know. And then if you go on a date with them,

I hope she pays. I mean, let's be honest. She got to get that bill. That's hilarious. Can you imagine like going on a date with her and you're just like, you reach for your wallet. She doesn't even go for the purse. You're like, all right, fuck. Come on. I know you have Microsoft. Yeah. That made me Microsoft. When God closed the door, he opens the windows. Baby jokes. I mean, yeah, she really, that's such a weird thing. I mean,

Part of me is like if they can't make it, that is weird. I agree. Because you think like there's not a better couples counselor you can afford. They got the best person if they tried. Good point. And they've got the best home. They got the best cars. They got the best care. They got the best everything. But that's a problem. When your home is too big, I feel like that could hurt a marriage. It's almost like if your bed is too big.

You're not cuddling. Interesting. You kind of got a distant thing going on. Yeah, that's true. It's so easy to be in a bad marriage if you've got an 18 bedroom. Yeah.

But then you're not sleeping on the couch. You're sleeping in the other fucking sweet bed. That's true. But on the flip side, if you, you know, me and my gal lived in this tiny studio slash one bedroom and we were at each other's throats because it's too small. So there is too small. It's way worse. It's way worse. I think there's a happy medium, you're saying, because most people think the bigger, the better. But there's a middle ground. Yeah, I think you got something there. Yeah, I think reasonably big. But also you want to see the person. Yeah, I guess so.

Tim Burton, look this one up there here, or Matt. Tim Burton is married to Helena Bonham Carter, and they have two houses. Not anymore. They're divorced. Okay, well, when they were together, they had two houses. I'm fairly sure. Maybe they're still together. You know what? Maybe they never got married. No, she was with Kenneth Branagh. Oh, really? Yeah. She's got an interesting taste.

Both houses split. They lived next door to each other and they each had their own house. It says they split. Okay, they split. But at the time, see, look, they had a London home next door to one another and they were linked. So they had like a little tunnel connecting, but they had their own houses.

Pretty interesting. Interesting. I kind of like that. I mean, that's nice. It's kooky. I mean, but that's what you expect. Yeah, yeah. And you expect Johnny Depp in the third house to just walk out with like 90 scarves and just be like, hey, guys. Right. It's just a weird. She really, she's a great actress. Great actor. She was on The Crown recently. That's right. That's right. She's, yeah. I mean, obviously Fight Club, all of Tim Burton's movies she's in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, she's got a kooky vibe for sure. It's cute when two kooks get together. Yeah. You know, like the weird kid in your high school who's like the artsy goth kid starts hooking up with like the suicide girl and you're like, all right, that's good. You guys are both weirdos and cutters and all that. That is cute. Yeah. It's kind of like the jock and the prom queen. You know, I like when those people meet. You're rooting for them. Yeah. That's the whole basis for Us Weekly.

What do you mean? Well, you're rooting for these two actors to get together. You know what I mean? If two people you like start dating, you're like, oh, good for them. It is fun. And then you get to picture them fucking. You're like, wow, Timberlake is fucking Cameron Diaz. What's that like? You know, that's exciting. That's an old issue right there.

I haven't been to the dentist in a while. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren McCall. I'm like, geez, Mark, you're really. Wow, Liz Taylor looks great. When's the last time you've been to the dentist, by the way? It's been a long, long time. Me too. It's comedy. Well, my parents had me on this thing back when I was younger where I'd go twice a year and I hated it. Obviously, you know,

But now you look back and you're like, that was a good deal. That was a good deal. I hated my dad was like, you're going to miss this one day when you're a broke cunt or whatever. I'm like, ah, shut up, dad. You don't get me. And then cut to me at 37. I'm like, shit, I better clean it. I just picture being a really bright guy. Just being like, you fucking broke cunt. Yeah.

Piece of shit. He's putting on aftershave, hitting my mom. Yeah. No, it's true. I got to go. And this is comedy in a nutshell. This is how sad this is. I'm going out to some gig somewhere. I think Tacoma or Seattle, whatever. No, Spokane. And the guy, my opener, Andrew, goes...

There's a guy, a dentist who does a podcast and he gives you a cleaning while he does the podcast. Do you want to do it? I'm like, I'll do it because I get a free cleaning. Where is it? I think it's in Spokane. I'm there. I'm going there. Let me know. Get him on, Dennis Pod. But that's how fucked up we are that I'm like...

Oh, I'll do a podcast for the cleaning. Holy shit. Yeah. That's how bad it's getting. You did his podcast? Prostate exam. I had to get older. Yeah, exactly. You got a colonoscopy? Yeah, it was a web series. I had to do it. Yeah, it's true. But I'll take it. I'll take a cleaning. I mean, I'm scared. Do you floss?

I don't make a habit out of it, but I always think of Hedberg's joke where how hard is it to quit smoking? It's as hard as it is to start flossing. I think about that all the time. Great joke. But I did last night, but I don't always do it. It's like, man, that's how you know you've got a drinking problem. You know you've never flossed. Because you're just drunk. You're like, ah. You're drunk. Drunks barely brush their teeth before bed. They fall face first down. I try to...

I'm going to try to. My mom says this to me all the time. Make sure to floss. It's such a mom thing to say. Yeah. Floss and take your vitamins. My mom's hilarious with the vitamins because she'll tell me vitamins to take and she's like, what are you taking? I tell her, oh, I'm taking Genius Mushrooms, also the pills. I take Valerian to go to bed. My mom's like, what are these? I'm like, you're telling me.

me to take fish oil yeah what do you think yours are fucking proven in fact I think fish oil is good fish oil is good it's good for the joints valerian is good I think for your it calms you before bed it's good to take I think magnesium is good before bed too yeah I've heard that but I mean it's all zinc is good yeah I feel like zinc is like the number one I feel like zinc just keeps you from getting really sick yeah zinc is big I should be taking all these but then some people are like vitamins aren't real

Yeah, you know. But then they're like, professional wrestling and Scientology is. Not the Holocaust, but yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Wait, hold on. I had something. What were we talking about before vitamins? Harry? Shit.

Oh, we're all spaced out. Hell in a bottom, Carter? Nah, after that. People are getting furious at us right now. Oh, shit. Sorry. Matt? Ah, he's jerking off. He's checked out. Oh, damn it. I had something before vitamins. Ah, it's gone. All right. Dentist? Dentist. Oh, flossing. Nice. We did it. We got it back. Teamwork. With the booze, mind you. And we got it for the sober people. Uh...

You know that flossing stick now that they have? Yeah. That little like claw thing. Some say it's not good for you. Oh, really? Yeah. Interesting. Well. I like those things better. I love that thing. Because this thing with the string and you're getting this shit on your fingers, I hate it. But the claw thing, to me, stuff like that gives me hope in humanity. Because it's like we had this string for 500 years, whatever the hell floss has lasted. Yeah.

All of a sudden, there's one... Did we have flossing 500 years ago? I assume people are getting in there with like a, you know... Maybe a toothpick sort of thing? A twig or a toothpick or, yeah, something, a root. 1815. Okay, so 100-something, 200 years, we'll say. Yeah. And change. Hilarious, they're using twigs. You're like, yeah, you just got an even worse disease in your gums from the twig. Oh, wow. Invented in New Orleans. Ooh. I never knew that. Put that in your cap there, Nola. But...

The claw thing is such a great improvement on floss, and that just came out, what, 15 years ago, whatever it is? I love that kind of shit because you think we have it all hammered down. This is how it's supposed to be, and then we come out with something better, and to me that is...

A great sign about humans. That's a good point. You know what I like about the claw, too? You could flip it around and poke things. I mean, it's kind of got the double weapon there. It's got the double thing, yeah. The claw is genius, and I'm trying to think of other things like that, you know, that we keep upgrading over time. The razor, maybe. Yeah, the razor. But I don't feel like the razor's made, like, it's funny. For all the upgrades we've made in the razor, we always go back to the single blade.

Yeah, single blade is big. For all the progress, you're like, this one's got five blades. You're like, is that not too much? Right, right. Five? I'm trying to kill myself here, folks. And that razor, you can't cut.

So I got a good rec for you, and this isn't my rec for the week. It's not my rec for the week. Okay. But just a rec in general for shaving. I think it's called Tenskin. And it's if you get razor bumps. I get razor bumps all the time. Oh, I do. I have sensitive skin. Put a little there on you, you're good. Interesting. Tenskin. It's in a blue bottle. Tenskin. Seed and Smith turned me on to it. Okay, great. Great. I love it. Good, because I kind of like razor burn because it hides the herpes. No, I'm just kidding. Okay.

If you don't have herpes, though, then it just looks like you have herpes, Mark. Yeah, good point. Good point. Let's give our rec, because I feel like we're going down the barrel here. I got a weird one today. Love a weird rec. Okay. I'm going to shout out. Now, I'm giving a restaurant, but it's a chain, so I think it's nationwide. I love it. Restaurants are hurting. This is a great idea. Well, I don't know if this one's hurting, because it is probably a multi-million dollar whatever, but...

The restaurant Cava. I love Cava. So they have the hummus and the Middle Eastern type food. They got all that. And it's like Chipotle style. Exactly. You go down the line. You go, I want that. I want the base. I want the quinoa. I want the cauliflower. I want the meatballs. I want the stewed chicken. Whatever it is. My favorite is the pickled onions and the pickled beets. Oh, yeah. And that's all free at the end. You get the cilantro and the pickled onions and the cabbage and the olive mix or whatever the hell it is.

Get some kava. It's a little expensive, but maybe that's in New York. It's great. You end up spending like $13, but it is so filling. You're full after. You're satisfied. Your breath is horrible, but I love kava. Shout out to kava.

Yeah, it's great. There used to be a place kind of like it in the East Village when I was a young comic and trying to get a cheap meal. They give you a huge pita, and you've got unlimited stuff in there. So I would literally keep getting the jam shit in there, so I'd get the fattest meal for like five bucks. It was great. I remember that place. It did not last long because of people like me, probably. But yeah, Kava's great. I'm a fan. All right.

Yeah, I was worried because people get weird about chains and shit. But I don't want to say some random New York restaurant because I feel like Kava's everywhere. They've got the jalapeno hummus. Yes. It's great. I love Middle Eastern food. And it's a nice mix because chains tend to be McDonald's-y or Wendy's-y or whatever or just salad or chopped or whatever. But this is like...

Interesting, weird, different kind of tastes and foods and spices. Sometimes I'll try to be healthy and I'll like, let me order chopped. I'm lazy. And I'm like, I'm not going to spend $26 on a salad. That's crazy. It's insane. It's a smart business move because you're just thinking with your stomach and you just go down the line and you're like, I'll have salmon. Yeah, I'll have ham. I'll have egg.

And then before you know it, it's 1999. I love the choose-your-own-adventure style of Eden, though. I love the picking and choosing. Some people are very against it in the times of COVID because, you know, but I'm like, they're wearing a mask. I think we're fine. Yeah, that's another great innovation. I love when things get innovated. Like, sushi was, like, a big deal when I was getting sushi. You had to go to a restaurant. The guy would buy it.

bow and everything was like pristine you know and it was music he sacrificed his kid with a samurai sword like this is strange yeah there was like a weird little waterfall in the side and you know some guy had a samurai sword and now it's like you get a sushi little plastic thing at the grocery store and it's solid true solid sushi 90's sushi just plain my heart will go on with a pan flute you're like

All right. Yeah, exactly. It's great. It was some weird kid meditating on a bamboo rug. You know, it was so intense. And now sushi's just like, ah, sushi. Yeah, so now you get a fucking Rite Aid. Yeah, exactly. It's great. Americans ruin everything. I know. We make everything quick, cheap, and easy. Richard Jenney used to have a great bit about how the French have the croissant. And we in America, we go, yeah, take your croissant with your fat bastard. Ha, ha, ha.

Underrated comedian. Incredible comedian. Check out Richard Jenny. Platypus Man, if you haven't. And Steaming Pile of Me is great, too. One of the funniest. Yeah. So funny. So funny. My rec, this is going to sound crazy. I love it. I had never seen this movie before. It is an American classic, and I am ashamed of it. But sometimes there's so many classics. We have so many great American movies that...

Some are going to slip through the cracks. Oh, yeah. And this is one of them. Jaws. Oh, amazing. 1975, the first summer blockbuster, mind you. It's incredible. Incredible. And it's his first movie. I've seen scenes of it, but I'd never seen it start to finish. And I was so ashamed. What? I was like, let me just take a night. I was embarrassed that I've never seen it. I'll tell you another thing.

Post-COVID, it plays so interestingly. And like, you know, the politician who won't shut down the beach. Man, this is so relevant now. Yes, interesting. Good call. He won't shut down the beach even though it's dangerous. And you're like, fuck, this is like tourist season. Think about all the cities that are hurting tourist-wise. It's tough.

Yeah, and also it's a message that people are the same. We think we're all high and mighty and new age, but everything's just repeating itself. People are all fucked up. It's also weird to watch that movie and be like, man, I'd kill for just to be a shark. I know, right? I can just stay out of the water and be fine. That's it. Could still tour, no worries. Yeah.

Yeah. By the way, sharks kill less people than cows, but we just have it. Sharks are kind of like the black people of, of the sea. Everybody's like scared of them, but they're not even killing that many people. All right. Dangerous road we're taking. Yeah. Sorry. That's defending, you know, it's sexier if it's this, if it's like a racial thing, but it's actually, oh, okay. Uh,

Jaws, so good. And that's a young Spielberg and the shark had so... There's all these books and stories about Jaws. Like the shark barely worked. That's why they had to use it so little because it was this big machine that was shitty. And that's why they show it less. But that worked. Showing it less made it more enticing and more imagination kicked in. You know, fear is better when it's in your mind. That's a great point. Special effects won't always age well. Yeah. But psychological stuff is...

It fucks with you. I mean, that's why Psycho is so great. That's why, like, certain classics. Shining. The Shining. Yeah, and also a lot of foreplay, you know? Just like, oh, God, haircut. No, that wasn't it. Oh, no, that wasn't it. And then the big crescendo at the end. I mean, beautiful. Who's the actor, the main guy in that with the glasses? Roy Scheider. He's great. He's great, yeah. French Connection. Yes! Great New York movie. Oh, yeah.

If you haven't seen... I think the greatest car chase scene maybe in movie history. French Connection. The Gene Hackman car chase scene. Where they're going subway to subway. I'm like, oh my God. Oh, that one. Yeah, that's amazing. That was like a perfectly orchestrated... The whole thing, everything was perfect timing-wise. And just gritty. We've gotten rid of the grit in movies. Look at that. I mean...

Remember that scene where there's a guy trying to rape a lady and he stops it? Yeah. Oh, my God. He goes to the basketball court to shake down the black guy. I mean, just look at this. This is unbelievable. This is like 1971, I want to say. Yeah. And they're chasing. This is on the subway in New York. I mean, this is great stuff. This is thrilling. This is before rules and regulations. And look at it go. I mean, it's like the pace of this scene. Yeah.

It's really crazy. Yeah. Gene Hackman is one of the coolest actors ever. Yeah. Like, really just... You know, fun fact about Gene Hackman, he was...

Cast as Mr. Robinson in The Graduate. What? Mike Nichols. I could see that. Yeah, but he was too young. Ah, that makes sense. So there was a day where Dustin Hoffman's like, man, because Mike Nichols fucked with Dustin Hoffman the whole time on that show. Oh, really? And Dustin Hoffman's like, I'm doing a horrible job. I can't. Oh, wow. They hate me. I'm doing horribly. It was like his big break. And I'm doing horribly. And Gene Hackman's like, nah, they're going to fire me. And he's like, what are you talking about? You're amazing. He's like, nah, I got a feeling. Later that day, he got fired.

And it was because Mike Nichols, he's too young. No one's going to buy him. He's eight years older than Dustin Hoffman. It makes sense. That's so funny that these actors were nervous. We see them as such legends and they're like, I'm out. They hate me. Yeah, but can you picture not famous Dustin Hoffman? He's like five foot five. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I don't think he's just like, I'm the shit. He was like, fuck. Yeah, no, I get it. It makes sense. But I just rewatched that too. He killed it. And Mrs. Robinson apparently in the movie is like 38.

And she's like this old lady. So funny. Yeah. And Bancroft was hot in that movie. Oh, so hot. So sexy. Great. Great. One of the great, I mean, we're talking about great American movies of all time. Like the graduates fucking incredible. And they were trying to, they were trying to sell it as like a sex comedy in the sixties. Cause the studio had no confidence in it. Oh damn. Best picture of the year. I think, I think, I think it won best picture. Did it? Yeah. I think it was 68 Academy Awards, Harry. Check it out. Uh,

It definitely was nominated. I don't know if it won. Yeah, great movie though. It's got the Truffaut influence. It's very French, New Wave vibe. Yeah. I think that was one of the first times it came over here and hit the mainstream. Did it win Best Oscar, Harry? Best Director. Best Director. What won that year? 68, I think. Good question. Because I remember, I seriously just fucking read a book about this and I don't remember what won.

Mike Nichols had a run. He's a fun story because he has a rare disease and he lost all his hair when he was like 16. Married to Diane Sawyer. What? Yeah. From Louisville, Kentucky. But yeah, so his whole life is a piece. He's wearing a piece. No shit. And it's a great hair piece. In the heat of the night. In the heat of the night. Great movie. Great movie.

And turned into a TV show that I hated. Rod Steiger won Best Actor that year and couldn't get a job afterwards. Oh, wow. Is that right? Yeah. Showbiz, man. If I were in the heat of the night. Wow. Showbiz sucks. Showbiz fucking sucks. And here's another reason showbiz sucks. That year, in the heat of the night and...

What's the other one with Sidney Poitier? Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, both nominated. Such different racial stories. Oh, yeah. So true. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner is like the Hollywood eyes bullshit. We're good people, but you're really 12 years behind at best. Right. And then In the Heat of the Night, it's still got problems, but it's a pretty gritty Mississippi cop movie. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is a gritty, dark, fucked up, twisted movie. But great. Check it out.

We should do a bit. Oh, we should do a bit. I feel like, yeah, we ran off on movies on this ep. We run all over the place, buddy. That's the joy of this pod. I never did peeves. Ooh, all right. Give me a peeve and I'll give you a peeve. I got two peeves, but I'll pick one. All right.

Now, this is maybe a part of a bigger thing, but I think it's a bad sign. I was hanging out with a guy last weekend. You know the guy who hates anyone who's better than him? You know, like they go, oh, this guy's a comedian of all time. Well, it's OK to be like, oh, I got to work on that or he's better than me at that. I suck. But I hate the oh, he's got that. Fuck him.

Yeah, like, oh, this guy's killing it. Oh, he's going to fuck that guy. I'm like, well, what do you mean? Fuck that guy. He just found a way to do great. And you're hating on him already. It's like I get it's kind of a half joke, but like, oh, that guy's six to six to I'm five nine. Fuck that guy. Like, shut up. He didn't choose to be six to how about you make something of your life instead of just hating everybody that's doing better than you.

I don't love the go-to hate. It's a hard guy to be around. It is. It is. We're talking about yes and. That's a yes no. Yeah. Maybe I'm a minority here, but I don't understand the Elon Musk on SNL. We act like this is the first unfunny guy to host SNL. We've had Trump. We've had athletes. I don't personally give a shit. I don't watch it. I don't give a shit either. But I think the hate with him is how billionaires have just become ultra-wealthy

during this pandemic. And most people have lost a shitload of money. So I think the hate is coming from a reasonable place where it's kind of like, you're rewarding this guy. Oh, I see. I mean, how would you feel if Bezos hosted, you know? I think it's interesting. I think it's interesting too. But like, you got to understand the hate too. I guess. For me, it's like, I think it's a genius ratings idea. I think it is too because all these people are bubbling up. So they're like, well, now I'll watch. I'm not really watching SNL, but I'll watch because of this.

Yeah. I mean, I'm probably still not going to watch. I mean, we work on Saturdays and I just, I don't really care that much. I'll give it a YouTube. I mean, yeah. I mean, I'm curious to see a monologue. I'd love to see a monologue. I mean,

I get the hate. I just don't really. I personally am just like sometimes those make for interesting episodes. Like back in the day, Rudy Giuliani hosted SNL and I thought it was really funny. Yeah, there you go. Sometimes it's fun to have a fish out of water moment in there. You know, this guy's a politician or a soccer player or something or Forbes hosted one. Like, what is this? But it's kind of it mixes it up. People like to kind of.

They add I look, I guess SNL does have cultural relevance and especially political relevance. And they got really mad when Trump hosted. Yeah. My issue is only when they when people try to play both sides of it. Like I was, you know, just as a spectator, I was like, oh, you're going to bash Trump every week. But you had him host your show. Right. Right. The hypocrisy of it is like a little like, all right. But I also think like, you know.

It is an entertainment show. Yeah, exactly. It is there to get ratings. Yes. It is hard to get ratings. I mean, this is how bad SNL has to get ratings. And it's like not, I mean, they have an incredibly talented cast and they still get like Jim Carrey to come in and do a character. Right. You're not telling me that someone on the cast can't do fucking Biden better than Jim Carrey? Yeah. Get Carvey back in there. Dana Carvey's Joe Biden. Kills. Kills.

It is incredible. And it's kind of a throwback. Like, hey, these older guys are pros. Don't forget about them. These guys killed in their prime and still kill to this day. And there's like a real youthful vibe on SNL, which I get. That's always how it's been. Not for primetime players. But let's not sleep on these geezers because they're...

I'm such a big Dana Carvey fan. Love Dana Carvey. He was in this movie when I was a kid called Opportunity Knocks, and it's like, it's not a good movie, but I love it. Is that the one where he's in an LA apartment with a hot lady? Yeah. Yeah, I saw that. He's a con man. The premise is ridiculous. He's a con man, and he and his friend are robbing a house, and it's a really fancy house. Yeah. And they get a voicemail. Ah, I guess I'm not going to get to meet you. And they get the house set for two weeks, and they look at each other like, bar.

And they take over the house and he's a con man and Robert Loggia is like a guy. He ends up like climbing the ladder at Robert Loggia's company. And he's like, I like you. There's something I see in you. And then he falls in love with his daughter. But like, dude, I think it fucked up his film career a little bit because he got paid stupid money for it. And it just bombed. But I watched it. I was like, man, Dana Carvey is so fucking charismatic. Oh, he's great. He's a talent. He's a beast. Yeah.

he's great and i mean he did a movie about where he was like turtle turtle what was that movie where oh master in disguise yeah it's a horrible movie it's a piece of flaming pile of dog shit but he's great in it yeah he's amazing i mean wayne's world one and two wayne's world the church lady i mean so even his stand-up special was good chopping broccoli yeah the ross perot can i finish can i finish all that was great he did like every president he did every

president. Bush is incredible. Bush is great. He was great. Yeah. Big fan of the Carve.

One of the greats. He's probably my favorite five SNL guys ever, I think. Oh, really? He's got to be. It makes sense. It makes sense. Phil Hartman, too, for sure. All right. What do you got on Peeves? All right. Fuck. I wrote one down. Let me see. But the SNL thing with Musk, it's like, I get it, but it's just weird when the cast members are like, I'm not going on. I'm protesting. Like, this is what it is. Well, yeah, that's me protesting. It's kind of like, all right, well, you're not going to last.

Yeah. Choose your battles. But also. Are you that bothered? But he's also you do this to get ratings. I mean, that's the point. And he's people are talking about it. Mission accomplished. There you go. OK, this is one.

It's less than a peeve. It's kind of funny to me, but it's still a peeve. I'm like an elevator and there's a white guy just like rapping loudly, just like rapping to his music with his headphones in. I hate it already. And I wanted to just turn to him and be like, hey, excuse me. I work for a record company.

you've got the goods. That's why you're doing this, right? Because you want people to notice you're an amazing fucking rapper. Exactly. It's ridiculous. Is he pronouncing like, hey guys, I'm going to do a rap. Here's my hat for some money. No, no, no. He's just like, Oh. Oh.

God, this guy's out to lunch. I hate this guy. He's just rapping loudly. Mark Norman's comedy special, Out to Lunch. Check it out. That's a good way to work your ear. Yeah. That's the whole point is that I'm out to lunch. But yeah, that's horrific. He's rapping loud.

I hate this guy. I don't like people. I did a peeve on this last week where it's like, I don't like people taking over common space. Yes. It's always been a peeve of mine. Have some respect for everybody. There's something about it. Then again, I choose to live in New York City. So it's a pretty fucking dumb peeve to have. But these aren't things that I can't take. These are peeves. They're peeves. Yeah. You sit there and you deal with it. But.

My question is, let's say you started rapping. Like there's that great curb moment where a guy's on a Bluetooth at a restaurant just alone. And so Larry starts going, and then I did this. And then he's talking to himself. And the guy's like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing? What's the deal? He's like, I'm talking to somebody. He's like, what's the difference? You can't see who I'm talking to, whatever. And that's how I feel like you should start rapping in front of this guy and see how he likes it. Fake rap battle. Yeah, fake rap battle.

Give them a taste of what's what. And they go, a hippie to the hop, to the hip hop hop. I'm a hippie to the hop. What subway stop are you going to? To...

I got nothing. You never see people, they're always blasting rap on the subway. You never see someone like hold up a speaker. It's just like James Taylor or some shit. That's true. James Taylor fans are quiet. Yeah, they don't really make noise. But yeah, rapping out loud on the subway, it takes a little balls and vulnerability to go, hey folks, if you like my rap, give me a buck or whatever. But to just do it outright like that. It wasn't even his. He was just singing along to the music with his headphones on. Oh.

No, if it was his own, I'd have a little more respect. Yeah, yeah. That's what I thought he was doing his own shit. I saw a guy on the subway once come on and started reading poetry, and I'm like, man, you've got some balls. Yeah. Poetry's got, you gotta have balls. Nobody likes poetry. Nobody. Nobody's going to a poetry slam or a stand-up poetry or a poetry club.

It's tough. It is. It is. Yeah. I mean, save that shit for your girlfriend or a love letter. And you better be doing it during a breakup. You do it to win her back. Don't break it out casually. Yes. Oh. And was it his or was it? It was his. Oh, man. That's tough. Yeah. Poor guy. Give me a bit. All right. All right. I got two ideas. So one, I'll just do one because we're running low here, but I got this whole bit about how

Men are horny and this is raw. I don't know where to go with it. So bear with me. Men are horny. It's raw and bare in the setup here. Yeah. Yeah. Men are horny and it ruins us, you know, because women are like, hey, it sucks. I'm a woman. I get pregnant. I have to take time off. I have to raise a kid. I might not be able to go far in my career because I get pregnant. I'm like, I get it.

But men get horny, and look how many careers that's ruined. It's like Epstein and Kobe and Cosby. If we didn't get horny, imagine the amount we would flourish. We have to deal with our horniness. I wouldn't give examples, because you're giving examples of rapists. Oh, shit. I think that immediately is like... Good point. It didn't ruin Kobe's career. He came back from it. He did come back, yeah. Something else ruined his career. Helicopter? Yeah. Yeah. Then...

But it's definitely a hindrance. Yeah. Maybe pregnant is the wrong angle because that's like... No, I think that's great. They're both biological. I like it. Well, this is biological. So is me being horny. Right. That's very Mark voice. I also think, you know, I wouldn't even give example. Look how many careers this has ruined. You know, I was horny. It's tough. The tough thing is you have to make that... No one's like, I want to ruin my career. No man is like, I want to...

Exactly. Well, he was really bad. He was also really horny. Yeah, but you get no sympathy for horny. Yeah, that's a good point. But it is a biological thing. Your horniness, I get it, this is dicey waters because there's sexual harassment suits all the time and all that. Yeah, no, but you're at your best, I think, dicey waters. Yeah, and I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying it is a factor that we should...

We don't really include it in the debate. Men will jack off before a date to act like humans on the date. There you go. That's a great example. It's so true. Yeah. And then I feel like the ending of the bit could be like, well, I get pregnant. I'm like, how do you think you got pregnant? I was horny. That's the big... I already got the ending, but I need the middle, the gooey middle nougat. So I think that's something. Like, it just...

I have a line in the beginning where I'm like, men are hornier than women and women go, no. And I go, ladies, you've never gone to a family reunion. Go. I would do it, you know, and that kills. So like that kind of shows like what we're willing to do because of our horniness. Men are fucking animals. We're fucking relatives because that's how bad it is. I'll tell you what ruins a career is fucking a family member. Yeah. Woody Allen. Right. Exactly. Look at Woody Allen. Exact. Perfect example. But again, he's like a bad guy.

It's tough. I think you have to make it like, I think you have to say just like generic me too. Cause that way the mind doesn't go straight to hopefully a rape. Maybe it does still. It's tough. That's why it's tough. Cause no one has sympathy for horniness. Cause you don't want to sound like you're defending a rapist. I don't want to be that guy. You want to sound like you're defending the horniness. Yeah. Yeah. But horniness. Look how much I'm horny as hell. Look how much I get done.

Yeah. I do two podcasts. I do the road. Yeah. I do four shows a night. You know how many times I jacked off today? Yeah. I know, but you get no sympathy. I have another bit about sex workers. I'm like, I've been supporting them for years. And everybody's like, oh, that doesn't count. I'm like, well, you support this group and that group. I've been paying her, this girl's rent. You know, like why? Just because I'm getting blown doesn't mean I'm not a hero.

All right, maybe there's nothing there, but I'm working on it. I think sex work is becoming more and more accepted. It is. I think it's becoming more legal and more accepted. People still... I remember I saw a comic once on stage say he paid for sex, and it wasn't even true. It was like a misdirect, but he said that, and it got like a big aww. Yeah. People... From women, too, by the way. I bet also no one would even believe that. Like, you're a good-looking guy, I think, you know? Yeah, I've never actually gotten a prostitute, but I like the idea that...

Like you're all of a sudden, it's like a weird gray area of are you a good guy or not? But I'm like, I've been helping this whore out. Right. But you're still... So maybe don't make it about you. So if I were to do this, I think maybe it's a better observational joke because it's not true. I think maybe you're losing people. Like, I don't think that's true. Man, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. All right. I'll just make it about a general, the idea of it. I think, yeah. I think the other bit too, it's like, it's a great, I love the horny versus pregnant thing. Okay. That's great. I mean, they're both things.

Maybe go, they're both things that ruin careers. Yeah, true. Difference is, women can come back, they can come back from being pregnant. Yeah. And you get paid to be gone. No guy gets paid to leave because he was horny. That's good. Except maybe Bill O'Reilly. Ha!

I think you got a nice settlement. Yeah, yeah. But Nick Griffin has that great bit about like, I called in Horny to work. So I'm trying to, which is such a killer bit. Check that out if you haven't seen it. I think it's on Letterman or something. Yeah, he's one of the best. But yeah, I don't want to delve into that whole pond. But yeah, I think there's something there. All right. And I just want to keep it away from like,

or whatever bad men. For sure, for sure. All right, what do you got? So this is a weird one. This is like a riff the other night and it hit and I think this could be a bit. Someone was telling me in the crowd that she had a pet tarantula. And I said, man, you know you got a shitty pet when the second it gets out of the cage you think, I guess I gotta kill it. That's funny. You know what I mean? Like you have a guinea pig that gets out of the cage. You're like, oh, look at it. You have a tarantula that gets out. You're like, put your fucking mouth on the curb. You know? Ha ha ha.

Yeah, so true. I feel similarly, and I don't know if I'm going off the rails here, but with, you know, some people I see with dogs with muzzles, I'm like, this is your pet? You have to put a muzzle on it, you know, like just to hang out with it? Just to go to the park, you have to put a muzzle on it? What's the point? Yeah, why don't you adopt Hannibal Lecter, for fuck's sake? Exactly, exactly. You're hanging out with a murderer or, you know, a violent being. So, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right when it gets out, you got to kill it. It's the same with people with snakes.

This thing gets out. You're done. It's such a weird status thing where people have like a pet tiger. Remember Mike Tyson, a pet tiger. And you're just like, I understand this makes you feel powerful. But guess what will make you feel powerful? If that thing gets out of its cage. Yeah. You're going to feel like kind of a pussy. Yeah. I wonder if there's an analogy of like, you know, those people who have boyfriends are like, he's great at home, but I can't take him anywhere. It's the same with that. Like he's great in the aquarium thing, but you can't let it out.

Yes. Not a great pet. You want to be able to... You literally can't do the thing that it's named after, which is pet it. It's a pet. You can't pet it. It's a stay away. I'm getting too 80s. But yeah, that's interesting. You're supposed to deal with these rotary phones. Yeah.

They got a cord on it. Yeah. Hmm. Can't even let it out of the box it's kept in. Yeah. It's too violent. That's something. And you don't want a scary pet. Like, why would you get a scary pet? Your pet shouldn't want to kill you. Yeah. That's the whole point of a pet is love and companionship and, you know, cuddling and all that. And you can't even do that.

So you're just really keep, you're just enjoying having a murderer in your home. You're like, look at this murderer. I got it in my house. That's the fun part. Yeah, I should ask you. I want to see what your boyfriend's like. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Can't take him anywhere. Every time I let him out, he kills somebody. There's something. I'll crack this. There is something. First part hit. There's something there for sure. Yeah, when I did it as a ref, it killed. I think it could work. And I did it the next night and it hit, but it needs a little more, I think. Yeah. The animal...

animals are uh it's weird the different types of animals you know ferret is weird honestly unless you have a dog or cat it's a little weird i agree even goldfish is a little weird yeah you want a pet that like it's gonna die that soon don't get me started on a parrot this thing's gotta sit in a cage any bird any bird they can't fly that's their whole purpose in life

Just birds are weird. I know. Parrots are like fucking, it's like having an Alexa. They're listening. True. It's an Alexa that doesn't know anything. It can talk, but you're like, hey, you can't ask the parrot the weather. It goes, fuck you, or whatever. Yeah, at least Alexa has information. I bet the mafia doesn't have parrots. You don't want a bird that can testify. It was him. Yeah, that's funny.

There could be some parrot, a parrot Alexa thing I like. Maybe. But the tarantula is interesting. Why would you want a pet that'll kill you? I've never seen a tarantula that I liked. No. I've never seen like positive tarantula PR, even in a movie. When has it ever been like, oh, cool, tarantula. Yeah. There's no Pixar about a friendly tarantula. Yeah, they did. Pixar was able to pull off a friendly rat. They couldn't do a friendly tarantula.

Good point. Yeah. Even in Home Alone, the tarantula got out and it bit one of the bad guys. That was the high end. I guess that's good, though. You do want to bite a bad guy. I guess. But even then, you're kind of rooting for the bad guys. Right. Yeah, because you relate to them. It's the scariest spider. These guys are home invaders and you're like, fuck that bug. Yeah.

Yeah, the tarantula. That's true. I don't get any of those pets. The snake, tarantula, anything that's vicious. Dog or cat are really... And I guess guinea pigs are kind of cute, too. They're kind of funny animals. Sure, sure. But like dog, cat, guinea pig, and maybe if you're like... Maybe a hamster, I guess. Maybe a hamster, I guess, yeah. Yeah, but... I mean, not my favorite, but... No, I get it. I'm with you. Dog or cat are my... Yeah, agreed. So yeah, I'm with you on tarantula. I'm just trying to find the turn. Trying to find the...

I got enough to play with here. This is just a reference. I think I got a few angles here to play with. It's got legs. All right. Eight of them. Okay. We'll plug some dates. We're going to be. Oh, yeah. I'm all over the road here. Houston, Albany, Syracuse, Buffalo, Portland, all these clubs. You know, it's a bummer is these clubs. They don't put the link up for a while. So I get all these tweets like, when's the link going up? I'm like, I don't know. You got to fight him, man. You got to fight him. Virginia Beach.

All kinds of good stuff. Toledo. Oh, that could be weird. City of Glass. Philly. The glass manufacturing city. Dayton. Arlington. Brea in L.A. Is that right? West Palm Beach. Oh, you got some good improv coming up. Yeah, I got a lot of those same rooms coming up. I got Salt Lake this month. Nice. I got Arlington, Virginia this month. I'm bringing Anthony DeVito to Salt Lake. I'm bringing DeVito to Arlington. Gary Vito, our boy. Oh.

I got Albany. I got Tampa. I got Raleigh. I got a ton of shit. Oh, good clubs. Yeah. All good clubs. I'm so pumped to my tour schedule and, uh,

Go to samorell.com slash shows. I'm going Portland, too. I'm doing Kentucky. All over the fucking map. Lexington? Yeah, baby. That's a fun room. Oh, one of the all-time classic clubs. Comedy Off-Broadway. I saw your name on the wall. Yeah, Comedy Off-Broadway. Classic. Classic club. Bring it on on Hirshberg to that one. Oh, nice. I got Dina Hashem with me in Tampa. I'm bringing great comics on the road with me, so you're getting a great show. Hell yeah. Oh, Orlando, too. So, yeah, Boston, too. All kinds of fun stuff. There you go. Let's fucking go. We're coming. We're coming.

We're on the road, baby. We're back on the road. On the road again. So yeah, tell a friend, spread the word, send your peeves. We might be drunk pod at Gmail. Drink Rex. Somebody sent me a drink. Reg is like, you're going to love this. It's gin and ice. I was like, get the hell out of here.

Fuck that shit. Yeah. I don't know if he was being funny or what, but, uh, I got a kick out of it. I think he's being funny. I don't think that's real. And then we, and we got, yeah, go follow our Instagram page. We're promoting a lot of comics. We like in there, we got clips coming. We were, we were recording this at Gotham studios in New York city. They're doing such a great job here on, uh, 38th street. We love them. Yeah. Love the setup. Uh,

We got Harry producing. We got Matt in the booth. We're rocking. We're rolling. I feel good about this. We'll keep boozing. I like this. You pick one round. I pick the next round. Love it. For episodes, it's fun. Love it. Yeah. I feel weird. I had to carry a bunch of liquor in my backpack all day. Same. It's like, what am I, 16? I know. Exactly. Give me some Taka and a Gatorade bottle, and we'll go to a concert. Limp Bizkit's in town. Oh.

All right. Thanks, folks. We'll see you next week. Oh, and subscribe to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash WeMightBeDrunkPod. We'll read your recs, your jokes, your peeves, drinks, all that shit. Can't wait to get at it. And see you soon.