101: The Legend Has Retired with Neal Brennan
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And we are...

I'm back, Jake. With the shark. Shark. How's the new nickname feeling, shark? Might be some merch on the way. Oh, no. Oh, really? We got shark merch? Shark merch. I would wear shark merch. What's going on? So, question about this studio.

You said there was a few more things happening with it. Camera setups. Where are we at with it? I got a few more pieces of equipment that are shipping today. And then Wes, my friend who you guys met, is helping me install it throughout this week. So next time you guys come, it will look

I mean, on camera, it won't look any different, but behind the scenes, it's going to look way more organized, a lot more professional. I'm super excited for... And those, for sure, have the options to... There's going to be a camera on the Shark, too. Yes. Because we've got our two-shot, and we've got singles of the Garfinite. We'll have the Shark cam. Okay, but there will be a Shark cam. Yeah, and I think we would encourage... I think, you know, we probably...

maybe we'll be doing it during the day, but the next time we do a night one, the shark has to stay wet. I mean, the shark has to be able to fuel up. After 5 p.m., the shark is wet. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, night shark. Yeah, because really, I honestly, the feedback I've personally had to the hundredth and shark is that

The guy really came to life. And I can't... Sharks stole the show. Sharks stole the show, without question. Just wasn't enough camera. I will say, not enough camera on the shark. I agree. But again, that's part of the problem with having a drunk shark back there. Like, you know, he's not going to operate as strongly. Also, you don't see the shark until it attacks. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, he's in the shadows. You're just on your boogie board being like, dude, this is cool. And then all of a sudden, you just hear a... Guardettos. I'm a shark. I'm a shark. I'm a shark.

Well, that'll be exciting. A friend of mine also offered to make cocktails for the next time we do one of those, but I was like, it is a very small space, but maybe. Maybe. I think we're pretty good. It's a tight spot. And I honestly felt like the shark had enough cocktails. I don't agree. See, unfortunately, I'm pulling us in the other direction. The shark goes, sure, yeah. Can I be honest? The shark seemed a little too sober to me. Did you think the shark was drunk? I didn't really think about that. We need to pour some water on the shark. You know what the shark was? He was on the shore.

We need to push him back into the alcohol sea. I agree. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He wasn't wet enough. Yeah, you're right. I was wrong. Put him in the old-fashioned ocean. 99 episodes on the shore. Yeah, yeah. Thanks to everybody who has joined the Patreon in this last chunk of time. It's blowing up. It's been really fun for us. We're getting into it, so it's been fun. Today's episode is a really special one. We got Neil Brennan in unthinkably good stand-up.

great writer, great thinker. He directed an episode of New Girl. I think it was season one. And

For since then, I just kind of been obsessed with the guy. He has a podcast called Blocks, which I'm currently on. So check that out to check out all of his. But Neil comes on our show. He's so great. He's really great stand up. I mean, I think like truly, you know, like everyone knew him as the partner on Chappelle show. But he's done such a good job of just carving out his own thing. And he's really interesting, funny dude. Yeah. And I will say he changed the intro forever for me. Introducing our guest helpers.

What did he do? Well, I introduced him and he was like, don't set it up like that. Just say who I am because they don't give a shit. And I was like, all right, good note, mid-show. But, uh...

Well, Neil's one of those guys which I personally love. Yeah. He's always thinking. So he's not just in it. He's also thinking of the whole process. He's thinking so much, he's not filtering. And actually, to great benefit. That is one of the reasons why I think he's so funny. But yeah, he's great. So we enjoy the hell out of having him. And thank you to everyone who listens. Keep telling people to listen. And we got a lot of cool stuff coming up. And Shark will be wet. So without...

further ado wait what can we add without a further ado that the shark could get involved fin fin what could you say shark will we do a chomp chomp i mean it makes sense because that's and two okay so we're gonna do our ending gareth the way we always do it and shark just see what comes out of your mouth i like it all right and without further ado look out

Just to be clear, the shark is saying look out or that someone looked at the shark? The shark is warning people. Let's try one more. I would say the shark isn't warning those he's about to eat. We're looking for the shark's line, not like the beach goer.

All right, here we go. Not somebody in the SEAL community. Here we go. You're not baby SEAL. Not a surfer. You're not a mother SEAL. Although I do love the hard sell. Look out. Look out. He didn't even do that. Look out. Kevin's was, look out. All right, here we go. All right, here we go. All right, so without further ado. I'm behind you. Pretty good. That's great. That's great because it's taunting. Anyway, enjoy the show.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. What is your name? Where are you calling from? And what's your age, please? Age? I agree. Don't answer that. Don't answer that. That's the first. This is the most. Just so you know, Neil, this is the most offended someone's been by that question. Great. She's also never heard the show.

So I'm Kathy. I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. All right. Don't answer anymore. Nope. We don't even want to know. We'll guess it after you're done. Listen, you got Jake, you got myself, and you also have a great guest helper on this episode. You have...

an amazing stand-up comedian, Neil Brennan is joining us for this episode. Yes, thank you very much. Thank you so much. Kathy, withhold your enthusiasm. Yeah, Kathy. Now do you want to know her age? Kathy just drove into oncoming traffic. You can't believe who the helper is. She's also never listened to this show. I can't believe helper worked. I thought helper wasn't going to... He loves catchphrases. I know. I heard the one where he was talking about helper. I'm a walking merch machine.

The human merch machine. Go ahead. The human merch man. All right, Kathy. What's going on? What can we help you with? Milwaukee's a great city, by the way. Okay. So I need some help. Great. My husband and I have been married for a while. Don't tell us how long. We don't want years. 40 years. Stop. It's 24 years. Okay. And yeah, he's a stay-at-home dad to our four kiddos. Okay. So we've always made

made it a importance that he has like hobbies things he likes to do so he doesn't like lose his mind being home with them um but now that we're getting older we're realizing it's like important that we have things we like to do together so that we're not like totally separate when they're not there 24 years in the marriage go ahead yeah 24 years not a system that's built to last we try huh

Before we get divorced, is there anything we're not doing? Oh, things together. Okay, go ahead. On the 50th anniversary. This one I think is bronze. You should have dinner. Yeah, okay, so keep going, Kathy.

The problem is that he's found a new hobby and he's super into it. I cannot emphasize how into it he is. But this hobby is not cool. It's the opposite of cool. He's gotten really into bowling. He's very on brand from old. It's worse than we could have guessed. We were thinking crossfit or something. The opposite body. Alright. I might be a minority here, but

Bowling's not cool? You could make bowling. It's not sexy to go on with your wife for 24 years, but I've definitely gone through a bowling phase. Sure, but does he have his own shoes? By the way, it hurts your wrist. Yeah, does he have the glove? Does he have the special glove? Does he kick up his right leg when he throws? Does he have a bowling shirt?

He has everything. He has like six balls. Six balls? Six balls. They have a whole shelf in our house. This is neither here nor there, but my father had a third testicle. Just so you know.

I don't have any follow-up information on that. Neil's just used to this language. I just remember hearing as a kid, like, a rumor that my dad had to go to have an operation because he had three balls. Wait. Go ahead. Is it true that you have ten brothers and sisters? I do have ten brothers. I mean, it seems like a joke. The math adds up. That guy literally had three balls. Are you serious? Yeah. Wow. And I still, my mom won't talk. My mom's too Catholic to talk about it. But anyhow, he's got six balls. The guy loves...

Guys, we're done. We're done with my dad. Let's back to Kathy. Not to go down a weird road, Kathy, but 10 kids is impressive. I do think there is something about that that was meant to have more... The balls are where the sperm is held. So he did have...

A third more than everybody else. You said very Catholic, so no protection between mom and dad. There's not a chance she's not getting pregnant with that king. With three balls? She's up against three balls. What chance does she have? She could have been on the pill. He could overcome it. One of them would have. Yeah, one of the third balls. Most people have like millions of sperm. Let me ask my third ball. This one blocked. This one blocked. Bring in the power. Third ball, get in there. Okay.

So, Kathy, what do you... Well, I'm an OVGYN, so everything you guys are saying is statistically and scientifically sound. That's cool. All right. Cool. Great. Glad we called. Yeah. Okay, so why don't you... What is the question exactly, Kathy? What are you looking for us to solve? The question is, he's, like, obsessed with it. Everyone's making fun of it, fun of him for it. Like, the kids are going to town on him for this new obsession of his. Oh, poor dad.

So he wants me to do this with him. So this past winter, I joined like a couple bowling league with him to try to like, you know, have this mutual thing that we like to do together. Um, and it was actually way more fun than I thought it would be. Like the people were really nice. Um, but then like we did well. So,

So now I've opened Pandora's box. Like we won our league. He's super excited. He's like, Cass, you can take some lessons. You could actually get good. We could do tournaments together. This could be so fun. And I am like at a crossroads. I hope that he's the next caller being like, I got my wife in a bowling. I know how to, I know how to pitch him. I don't know how to pitch her yet.

I am him in life with everything. I'm never the guy. Oh, yeah. But so hold on, Kathy. I'm not sure where the problem is. You said to this guy, you're a stay-at-home dad. I got to get you hobbies so you don't get crazy. He said, okay. One of them he got into. He's fucking good. Real into it. But he's also good. I'll tell you what would be worse, Kathy, is if he bowled all the time and he was the worst at it.

But then not only that, you're fucking good at it. You've never bowled and all of a sudden you guys are, oh, you're not? Oh, so he's just so good. I'm terrible. Then how are you winning? He's that good. There's a handicap. So like my average is like 92. So I get all these extra pins. I'm terrible. All right. Just to talk bowling for a second. I'm not going to go deep on this. What's he rolling? Is he a 250 guy?

No. 220, guys? What's his average? Like 200, I think. Pretty good. He's going to be embarrassed that I don't know that. Yeah, I agree. All right. You know what? He's real good, Kathy. Tell him to sell five of those balls. People that can't watch this, I'm making the jerk off symbol right now. For 200, he's got six balls? That is a lot of balls for 200. Has he ever even hit a fucking turkey? It's out of 300. I'm

I'm wrong. It's 250 something. I was thinking about 200. Okay, okay. Don't do my joke. Now, wait a minute, Kathy. Just to be clear, you bowled for a full season with him and you don't know that 300 is the perfect score. Again, my highest score was like 102. Okay. Okay, so here's where we're at. Your husband...

uh let's call him billy sure he can bowl 250 he's a good bowler yeah you wanted to get a hobby he got one uh he wants you to do this with him you were saying after 24 years you want to do stuff together so your question is now is how do i get him to not do the hobby i pushed him into and not do together with him

Is that I'm just I'm trying to figure out what the question is. How do you get off of the bowling trajectory with your husband now that he's like two in the bowl infatuated with you guys being a couple? Right. This is like you set up like a threesome. And then the person like what I'm hearing is, hey, guys, my husband's great. How do I stop this? It's a tough question. I mean, that is true.

I guess I'm just trying to decide do I have to go all in? Do I have to fully commit, be like, I love you, you love this thing, we're

we're going to just do this or is there a way I can like steer him away towards something that maybe we both don't get made fun of for doing before the guys get a hobby. That's what I, by the way, as far as I'm concerned, everyone in Wisconsin is bowling. I'm from Milwaukee and I don't think there is any shame in being a bowler in Milwaukee. There's also, but also, I mean, also hit something pretty interesting. What is a cool hobby?

Yeah. All hobbies are so weird. Dorky. Yes. What's a cool hobby, genuinely? What would you like him to get obsessed with besides your kids and you and your family? Which it seems like you guys have that part of life figured out. What would you like him to do in three nights a week? It could be so much worse. Hmm.

Yeah, that's true. That is true. I guess I just want something that the children aren't going to make fun of us for. Do you understand the way kids treat parents? Yeah, that's not... That ship has sailed. Yeah. You guys don't have a chance. I mean, you guys could be... Yeah, there's truly... But also, with his personality, he bought six balls. I mean, he would be...

But that's him. And by the way, that's all the money he's going to spend. You know what I mean? A lot of hobbies are costly. What's a bowling ball cost? $7? What are we looking at? $7? $5? $5. Go to a play-against-sports. You get it literally for $200. Wait, what do you have, Kevin? You have something? Can you tell the guys about the style in which he bowls? Oh, yes. He has a two-handed bowling ball.

Oh, what? Which is a new Tiger Bowling. Wait, what do you mean? All right. We're wrong. Wait, wait. Hey, Neil. Back to. Hold on. Wait, wait. Now, all right. He's obviously doing the spin, right? But he's not like bowling between his legs like a four-year-old with bumpers. No, no, no. Like, you don't put your, there's no thumb hole. You just put the two fingers in and then it. Okay.

You use two hands. Okay. We might have to get him off of this. How many people are doing that? Is that a new thing? Yeah, that seems recent. I've lost touch with bowling culture. Well, I think it's newer, but there's more people. It's still the minority. It's not cool. There's no way that's cool. No, even in the bowling community, he's getting made fun of. He's getting shamed for being a bowler amongst bowlers. He's doing the new two-handed spin. That is weird. Okay, so Kathy...

We're on your side. That's the premise of this. So we need to pitch to you either. Do you lean in and become a bowling mate or do we get them off it? I'm going to start with. Yeah, I think you have to lean in. Now, women that are into bowling. Yeah, they're called gutter fuckers, right? I think I think outside of the community. I don't think we're allowed to say that. They don't say don't gutter fucker. That's not accurate. Is that not true? No.

Huh? I'm going to have to find out. So I've got bad information on that? Somebody called them gutter fuckers. No, I think that's kind of... I know it was you who just called them and now you're saying somebody called them. My husband has never called me that. No, that's good. That's why we love it. So that right there is a victory.

That's why we love Bill so much. It's never referred to as a gutter. He has behind your back. Yeah. By the way, is there a better name for a bowling team than the gutter fuckers? Pretty good. Or the gutter fuckers. Well, I would say, so, well, what do you, Kathy, you don't want to be a bowling couple, right? That's your gut instinct.

I think the problem is I know I should want to, but I don't. Well, that's okay. And look, there's, as always, there's two approaches. There's the one where you've been married for, you know, almost 30 years. This is a man that you've shared so many moments with. You have four children and you can say to him, look, this is your dream. It's been really fun, like dipping in it for a season, but it's just not for me. Or there's the route where you completely ignore that and you pretend you have a really bad wrist injury and you can't do it anymore. And that would be my first pitch.

We see you. You start back up in the season. You're ready to go. And you try you try the two handed technique and it's your wrist and you can't do it anymore because it's interesting. Hey, Kathy, can I ask you a question on this and really try to don't worry about our response. What are three hobbies you would like to do with him?

If it were up to you, fantasy world, you could do whatever you wanted with him on a Tuesday night. What's a cool hobby? Pickleball. Tomato, tomato. Pickleball. Okay. You're going to hate the way he behaves with pickleball. Pickleball and bowling? No, sir. Okay. Don't worry about our response. What's another hobby?

Just shoot. Don't worry about us. Don't listen to us. All we are is gutter fuckers. We're judging and angry. We're those three losers in a bowling alley smoking cigarettes inside because they used to allow smoking. They probably still do in Milwaukee. Probably in Milwaukee. Pickleball would be one. Maybe like

I don't know. Maybe that's the problem. If they're all sports-related, you're a weirdo, dude. Come on. But, Kathy, think about this for a second. What would you really like? When you had this idea of 24 years together, you love them, you did this thing, it's working, but we got to connect. In your fantasy, are you thinking salsa dancing? You thinking pickleball? You thinking of wine tasting, a cooking class? What would be, if this were a movie, what are you two characters doing together? Either we're

So pickleball, going to a movie, or maybe like,

like a cooking class or something like that together. By the way, if it were a movie, it'd be Batting Cages. Of course. Go ahead. We've all seen Romantic. It's all Batting Cages. Go ahead. And then she does hit one pretty hard. Yeah, yeah. And the scene, it's a little kid. When she gets mad. It hits an old man in the nuts. Oh! Yeah, yeah. Then we cut to the next scene. We've all seen movies. Right after he goes, of course I love you, but I could also sleep with other people. She goes, of course you could. You know what? I have three balls.

Now I have three balls. I have ten kids. So, Kathy, it sounds like you don't want to do hobbies with him. It sounds like you want to go on dates with him. Yeah. It sounds like you don't want him to have hobbies. You want to be taken on dates. But you said, I got to tell you, your number two hobby was going to see movies. It's not a hobby. It's not. That's a thing. That's an activity that can be done whenever. That's a date. Everyone has that activity. Internetting.

Yeah. TV time. Yeah. I think the hobby you're looking for is to spend special time with your husband away from the kids. Attention for yourself. Bowling is not it because he's giving attention to bowling. How old are your kids? I don't know. Maybe that's the solution. Maybe that's... Maybe I go all in in exchange for all in on bowling one night. No. I get a date night. I like that. But Kathy, no. Okay. Because...

He's in love with bowling. You're the plus one. But look, you can go one of two ways. You can either say you're out or you can leverage it. You can make a deal. And that would work if you say, look, I'm going to come along with you for this bowling dream, but I want us to take a painting and wine class once a week too. Or I want us to do a movie night every Sunday where I pick the movie in exchange. But I got a question. What if we... I like it. Go ahead, Neil. You go. She said you need a hobby. Yes.

He got a hobby, and now we're telling her, leverage it against him. Well, look, we're on her side. It might be an irrational demand, but Kathy's our friend. There's an easier path. Kathy, what if you said to your husband- We're moving. No. Oh. Can we go on a date once a week? Yeah. What would be his response to that?

I think he would like to do that, but he's got a kid plus bowling. That's a lot of time. I got you. So this idea for a hobby for you started. Now I'm getting on your team. You wanted to find a way to go on dates with him.

and have a thing that you guys did together that had nothing to do with the kids, had something to do with you guys, and this fucking weirdo got so deep into bowling, he wants you to become a semi-pro, and it's the worst. - Is it that you, I thought you wanted him to have his own thing though, right? It wasn't like a dream for both of you. - Well, I think it's good, but he already has like his own thing. He's like a golfer, he has these kind of things, so we're trying to think of things together, but like, he's so far deep.

My kids came home and he was highlighting a bowling book, like highlighting it. And they made so much fun of him that I had to like step in and be like, we can't make fun of dad anymore for bowling because the feelings are getting hurt. So he's like way in. Yeah. Kathy, I get it. I am your husband.

I have a grappling dummy in my living room that everybody in my family and me, you should see what he's dealing with, Neil. So Jake's in the world of jujitsu. I'm a hobbyist guy. He hurts. He's a hobbyist guy. He hurts his back stretching one day. So now he has a little locker room set in his house where he and a little dummy that weighs like 90 grand to build the set.

Yeah, it's all about the set. Well, the lighting's extensive. So you got a man who's got addiction problems, and I say that as a compliment, not an insult. So to now say, let's get off of this addiction, you being part of it, you're irrelevant. You are just the thing next to him as he's trying to win trophies.

And if he can basically win with your 90s, he goes, fuck, if I got this lady three lessons, she could get to a 115. We will smoke everybody in Wisconsin. But this is not what you're looking for. You're not looking to work on your...

throws with him and your splits with him you want to go out and connect to him you want his hobby to be you yeah bowling is just that passive moment is that is this wrong i like that path sure what are you thinking when i'm saying this stuff am i getting near the reality or am i getting further away because 100 okay so no don't take bowling lessons that's insane you're just gonna be there you're gonna be doing it alone you're gonna have a weird bowling teacher

You're going to get off of work, get home, go to O'Neal. Or a sexy bowling teacher. Oh, wow. This is a different romantic comedy. Hello. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ponytail, 65 years old. It's a bowl comp. Yeah. Yes. Who do you think you are? I am. The best. Pete Weber. The best. So here's what I think, Kathy. I think you need to accept bowling is part of his life.

I don't think you enter. I think you go when you feel like going and you need to say every other Wednesday night, you and I are going to do a date. You pick one. I pick one. And let's see if he can get obsessed with picking great date nights. Yes. But I think it's in key that you have to pick one. Yes. Agreed. Because if it's all his responsibility, they were, it won't be gamified. It'll just be responsible. Gamified is the word you need to gamify it. This, this is all this guy understands golf, bowling, et cetera.

And I ran out after golf and bowling. The two we've talked about. But, yeah, gamify it, make it competitive, and then you got to sleep with them. By the way, if you can play that game. Did I slip that in? Yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. But, Kathy, what if you guys made it? What if you made date nights a game, and at the end of the night, you guys playfully raided it?

and had like a little thing so you'd be like the first night you do where he goes dinner and you have to go honestly and he goes 7 out of 10 yeah and then you go how is the food 8 how is conversation 6.2 yeah I think you could I'd say do it the next morning because I need them to sleep together and have 4 kids and they're going to do it quietly and they're going to get to sleep yes okay

the cat has got to go deal with vaginas in the morning um and uh and so do it in the morning or do it maybe the next night if it's a tuesday night date wednesday night you do the rating but then you keep you do like you have a whiteboard yes have the whole thing laid out gamified i think gamified's great i like that yeah

You could also gamify via text with each other so that during the week you guys are kind of like going back and forth until you get to your final score so that he can go. Okay. You ended on an 8.1. I will beat it. Yeah. But don't give him the win. Don't be the thing where you're the nice wife and you go 10 out of 10.

Yeah, don't. Yeah. It ruins the game. Be honest. So you are now, you guys, your dating life is a hobby that you can get better at. You can obsess on. It's something you could practice. You could think about. You could strategize. You could go, you know what could really work? What if we exercised at the beginning of the night? Why? Because then we're both in great moods. You could try a night where you drink a lot. See what happens. You go, booze didn't help us. You can experiment. Yeah.

This is I mean, this works. I'm going to implement. I like this. It's really good at that. And it also is going to play into what he's looking for, which is it make like you'll say you've got a game now. Yes. But yeah, I like that idea of testing out all these things towards the perfect night. But you're turning it into a hobby. Yes. What do you think? What do you think about gamifying date night?

I think it would be fun. And how would you then? And I think he would get into it. So would I. So then pitch it back to us as if we're your husband.

So we know, but are you going to actually do this or were we just goofing around and later you're going to go like, and then I took a bowling lesson. Now I've all of them. Yeah. No, I just don't think I can totally like extradite myself from bowling, but I think I could do like, Hey, I'm glad you liked that. And I like, God, we'd like to do that together. But because you like to do that so much, we're going to have to be more intentional about like you and I doing stuff together. So why don't we try something like this instead?

and see how that goes. And I think he would get into it. And also, Kathy, for his date night, you know what it could be? He could do bowling. And you know what happens that night? No sex. Nothing. If he keeps bowling for his date night. But he's allowed to. And he goes, it was really great. And you go, so for you, it was a 9 out of 10. For me, that was a 3 out of 10. And it's a combined score. It's dating and passive aggression. Yeah.

Isn't that called marriage? That's marriage. But then you could do a night where you go, let's try pickleball. And he goes, you know, that was really fun. Mine was an eight. And you go, mine was a seven. So that night, all of a sudden got a higher score. You keep it on a spreadsheet. He goes, we went back. We tried a tournament for bowling. He's at a 10. And you honestly go, being with you was great.

Seeing you excited to great. The night was really boring. When I watched you bowl with two hands. Less great. Yeah. I didn't feel like having sex with you after that, but I like you. Yeah.

i think you're a cool dude but i think then it gives you something to talk about and work towards which could be fun yeah just the night totally and you guys could be going towards this idea together of the goal is a date that is a 10 out of 10 for both so that when it comes to another anniversary he goes you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna surprise her and take her to paris and we're gonna do all this thing i'm getting the i'm getting the turkey i'm getting 10 out of 10 i'm

I'm selling three balls and we're going to Paris. Yes, the day he sells two balls to use for another date, instantly you go like that. Just put this date night up a point and a half. Yeah, once he's ball pawning.

I actually think this could work. I do too. No, I like it. Kathy, just remember, it could be worse. He could have a podcast. Next caller, please. Thank you for the call, Kathy. Let us know what goes down. Thank you. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Hi. Can we get your name, where you're calling from, and...

If you want to roughly give us how old you are, that's okay. If not, whatever. Roughly. Okay. I'm Ashley. I am roughly 31 and a half. Okay. And I'm calling from Western Colorado. Okay. Great. Well, thanks for joining us. You've got Jake, you've got Gareth, and you've got our guest helper who actually loves the term guest helper as does Jake.

You've got an amazing stand-up comedian with his new special, Crazy Good, which we recommend everyone go watch on Netflix. Neil Brennan is here to help us with whatever your issue is. I like that every caller comes on and you test my fame level. No, it's not. You do a big pregnant and you're not going to believe it. Well, what would you rather? Today's special guest, just go, our friend Neil's here.

I just don't think we're going to get... I'm looking for... But again, you're putting the onus on me. It is tough. I agree. Just say Neil and then let them go, wait a minute. Hey, Ashley, you've got Jake, you've got Gareth, and you've got a guy we found outside named Neil here to help us. Yep. She literally went, okay. She went, okay. I don't think she was creeped out. He looks like he would be good at helping people. Let's bring him in. Yeah. Very good. All right. What's going on, Ashley? What can we help you with? Okay. Okay.

So I need to have brain surgery. Holy shit. But I want to make it fun. Okay. You were right. I want to keep it fun.

Okay. Lighthearted in the mood. The mood is high as you can. Okay. Good vibes. So you're thoughtful of the people around you. You want everybody to be feeling okay. Is that because you're feeling okay about this?

I mean, I am feeling okay about it. And yes, you're correct. I want, I mean, I'm going to be in La La Land when they're pulling this thing out. So you want everybody out there. I will remember it. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And what else, what else do we have in the setup of this one? I mean, I have a brain tumor. Okay. I found out one month ago today, actually. Okay. Yeah.

Yep. Her name is Cindy. This is good. I just named things. Cindy the cyst is what she is. Okay. And she's, I was born with it. It's a slow growing tumor. It's thank goodness benign. Great. You know, it's like that old, that old slogan. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's a benign cyst. Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. We're looking at a picture of you right now holding up, I guess, what is the size of the tumor? Okay. That's Cindy in cheese form. Great. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So keep going. So this Cindy's important. So you're having, I mean, there's very clean ways that we could be doing this in terms of you're breaking up with Cindy. Yeah. This is the death of Cindy. Yep. Yeah. Going away party. You have a stalker named Cindy. Way party. That's good. But again,

A going away party. You could pretend that you guys all really love Cindy. She's been with you. She's helped you for the first 30 years. She's been great, but she's gotten a little bit too old and it's time for her to go. But everybody's got to wear black because it's the death of Cindy. We probably don't want to go too hard in that lane, but I like the bon voyage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't wear black. I agree. I agree. That was a bad idea, Garrett. The idea that my...

No, it's not a bad idea. The going away party is actually, that's fine. But the one idea that I've kind of been toying with, which I actually can't take credit for because it was my friend's mom who got a new like cricket crafting thing, suggested making like t-shirts that say evict Cindy on them. That's kind of the running joke that we've had. Like Cindy, you've been freeloading your whole life. It's time to get the fuck out. Okay.

to make t-shirts that say that, but then I also don't want to be walking around me and my family who are going to be on the surgical ward.

like wearing these evict Cindy t-shirts and people wondering like, well, who's Cindy and what does she do wrong? Yeah. She's a squad. I don't want to offend any Cindy. My gut feeling is we treat Cindy affectionately as opposed to like a squatter. And it's, you know, you got people have shirts that like a sign that says team Cindy, you know, but this idea that we,

We hate to see. Or Cindy's graduating. Or retiring. Yeah, maybe she's retiring. Cindy's retiring. Tumors only live to be 30, 35. This is a retirement party for Cindy. She's going to Florida. We got her a watch. She's going to Florida. To a medical waste dump. Yeah.

In Florida. Medical waste dump in Florida where she'll spend the rest of her days slowly rot with the rest of the... Well, you hate to call all of Florida a medical waste dump. I would never say that. None of us are saying that. I have... I don't know how important this is. But she... She's going to grow back. So if she retires

She's going to come out of retirement. So that might just be a flaw in that she can't retire. I don't think. Is the idea that then, Ashley, like every X amount of years, you're just going to have another surgery and you're going to do this?

I think so. I haven't actually met with or talked to the neurosurgeon yet. I'm flying to Denver on Monday. You don't want to talk to the neurosurgeon. Don't. I'm going blind. You are going blind. My vision is very not what it should be. So she's got to come out. Okay. And then when it comes out, they're saying... So this could be the first annual. It could...

Right? Because then you can start a fun tradition that it's, you make shirts, people get to make the first annual retirement of Cindy 1.0. And then there could be Cindy Jr. Cindy Jr. But everybody, the night before when you're there in the hospital, everybody comes around. Everybody's meant to make a speech of what they're going to miss about Cindy. They're allowed, everybody has to make up parts of her

personality and tell funny stories i like cindy's responsible for all of your bad decisions yes yes yes basically the pitch would be you are treating this like a retirement everybody would have you know people would have like a good luck out there cindy sorry you gotta go uh you know you get cindy a cheap watch you have a little ceremony like we're saying where everyone says look it's been great to have cindy around but it's time for her to move on fun but

But also, Ashley, is this going towards just walk me through the actual night? Are you thinking about while they're in the waiting room without you or is there going to be a night where your people are all together? Your family? Is this the night before for the main thing we're pitching? Is it the emails going out? Is it the initial thought that I had was for the people who were going to be there?

primarily waiting in the room or like in the waiting room while i'm under the knife yes okay um but i haven't thought about i mean we could have a going away party for cindy that could be fun i would pitch something like that

I know that it's a fun night. Go ahead. I would pitch leading up to it. We're treating it like you're going into the retirement ceremony. So you decorate your room with the like, good luck out there. You're getting retired, Cindy. Everyone does that. And then maybe after this, then you can have the official sort of like.

Bon voyage. It's over. But you just kind of treat everything around it like a retirement, because what you're really looking to do is lift the like, you know, you don't want this to feel like you want it like a downer. You want it to feel like kind of goofy. Yeah, I want it. Yeah. You're going to go and have a surgery and you're going to be fine and you want to keep everybody. You don't want all the melancholy and all the drama. You want people cracking jokes and being there to support you. But you're going to be fine.

Exactly. So I would say the night before the surgery, you are planning a retirement night of speeches where everybody has to make a speech where they're saying, you know, Cindy,

Cindy is the devil on everyone's shoulders. She's a very bad friend. She's a bad influence. Remember that SNL sketch where they're all talking about that weird... Some version of like... They're all talking about the guy at work who's the biggest legend. Bill Braskin. Bill Braskin. You Braskin him. So the idea of it is everybody tells Cindy stories and they're supposed to be made up so that...

A brother, a sister, a friend goes like, the first time I drank with Cindy was the craziest night of my life. And everybody's going like, we're going to miss you in retirement, Cindy, but you overstayed your welcome. So everybody's just going around. And the point is you're trying to be funny about how wild Cindy is and how much you're going to miss Cindy. But Cindy's got to go.

It's time to retire to Florida, but everybody goes around and you're last. And then during it, everybody's, you know, what they do in the room when you're not there, you got other fish to fry. Don't worry about that. But then when you're done and you're out of the woods and everyone's talking, rather than people being like, I'm so proud of you, which you don't want. And because your vision's going, do, do a funny entrance where you're bumping into stuff. Yeah. You know what I mean? Really soup it up, go to drink, miss your mouth.

funny blind jokes yes two days from now i'm gonna be able to you know i'll be walking fine this is guys this is because of cindy not the jet yeah this is not everybody knows this is cindy this is a classic sit down miss the chair fall on your butt yeah but by the way you also really could you could start it where you really go over the top you're babbling you're not making any sense

And everybody's like, oh my gosh. And then you go, ladies and gentlemen, I just wanted to say a shout out to Cindy for that bit. That was her idea. Cindy's the bad cop. A little too real. I see that now. But shout out to Cindy. She's always been funny.

She's a maniac. And that's what I love about her. And that's what I miss. Now we're going to go on the Rome and please tell us what you guys are going to miss about and give them time. So they have to have something written. So it's like intervention when everyone has to read their letter, like go around everybody, everybody prepare a letter and you're going around and say like, the hope is guys I'm looking to laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing sentimental. No, like nobody turn it. Don't have your mom or a parent go like, I know we're all doing a joke, but I need to speak from the heart. That's selfish.

I'm scared. Yeah, yeah. We're not doing that. We're not doing that, Neil. Yeah. Neil, no. No, Neil. No, Neil. You're my maid of honor. Oh, this is good. I like this. Yeah. I like this idea way better than the t-shirt idea. Okay. But I mean- Well, you can have t-shirts too, though. Day of. I think they should be wearing t-shirts. You should hide them. Happy retirement, Cindy. But you're doing this three nights, Ashley. The night before, people need to prepare a letter. Yeah.

The day of, they're wearing happy retirement. They have signs. Your room is decorated. And then the third one, and that is when you're ready to see people and it's your time, when you are ready for visitors, you do the last everybody gets goodbye, says their final respects to Cindy, and then you move the fuck on.

You eat the cheese. You eat the cheese. You eat the cheese. It's going to be very old. I hope that's been eaten already. Well, I hope it hasn't been, but okay. But where are you at, Ashley? How are you feeling? We have different ones. What are you thinking about this? I really like this.

This is good. Great. I like the speech idea. Great. Keep it lighthearted. Because especially for the other people around me, I'm, again, feeling really good about it. I've definitely cried about it. But trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I like it. I like it. I'm here for it. Well, I think that... I mean, again, I think that...

A lot of your attitude is probably going to be reflected within this. So if you tell everyone that's how you want the vibe to be, that's what the vibe will be. And then, yeah, I mean, once you're done with it, call back and give us an update and we'll be happy to add on to the retirement party. So let's plan on this. Actually, when is the surgery?

Um, I don't know yet. Okay. I meet with the surgeon on Monday and then hopefully it'll be soon. Hopefully it'll be within like a month or two after that. Okay. All right. So then what we will plan on is a month or two after that, when you're feeling ready, come back on the show, we'll follow up and you'll tell us. And we'll even make a video where we give a little retirement send off to Cindy as well. Oh, that would be delightful.

What? I don't want to do that. Not Neil. Neil won't be involved. We just lost Neil for a project. Neil's very busy. Not to intimidate you with our guests, but he's very busy. We're making cameo videos now? It's only an hour, Neil. Neil, it's only an immersive dinner. It's only an hour dinner we have. Also, Neil, will you just do some new bits that you're going to do in your next special? You know what? Neil has agreed to do a full roast of Cindy, and that is awesome.

Oh, wow. In Colorado? They just found you on the street. Yeah, pretty cool. Pretty cool. But Ashley, please follow up with us. We'll be thinking about you. And this is a great idea. I love that you want to do this. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I like the idea. I will follow up once Cindy's out. Yeah. All right, Ashley. Thank you. Okay. Good luck. All right. Bye. Okay. Thank you. Hello. Who is this?

Yeah, my name is Aiden. How are you guys doing? Good. My name's Jillian Bell. You're here with Gareth Reynolds and Jake Johnson. And we're here to help, but first I need to know, what's your age? Yeah, I am 25. Oh, great age. I remember that. Like two years ago. Good work, Jillian. And where are you calling from, Aiden?

Yeah, calling from Denver, Colorado. Oh, we just spoke to someone from Denver. Are you single? I'm not. I'm married. Oh, cool. Heard about that. I'm not married yet, but is it fun?

Oh, it's great. Big fans. Just at four years. Oh, my goodness. What is the what is the thing you buy for the four years of marriage? Is it is it wood piece of wood, I think. But at some point we get into the. Oh, let's find out. Significant before doesn't mean much. Four doesn't mean shit. OK, well, I don't know if we need to put it like that. But I'll tell you, Jillian's in love.

I am in love. She's hitting number one year. Number one year. Yes, I'm hitting one year. You remember that, Aiden, back in the day? Yeah, one year is something. All right, Aiden, what's the problem? Yeah, so my problem comes in. We had, my wife and I were given a gift from a friend of ours. And a little bit of background on this guy, used to work with my wife.

Now they don't work together anymore, but we still hang out, play board games, stuff like that all the time. He's really generous and brings gifts all the time. Now, this last gift he gave us was a little weird. Definitely not our style. It was like a figurine doll that was thematic to one of the games we play. We play Dungeons and Dragons, and there's a podcast that has merch. They have one of these statuette things. Okay.

So we live in a really small apartment and we did not like it. So we mailed it back. Question, Aiden. How big is this doll? How big is this doll? About a foot tall. Okay. Okay. So it's not a massive. No, but it's big. Okay. Yeah. So he gives you a gift. And when you say this guy gives you, let's give this guy a name. Alex. Alex. So when you say he's generous and gives gifts.

What does that mean? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like, he'll always bring the snacks. He'll always pay for dinner. Great question. Does Alex, let's be honest now, Aiden. You guys seem like you guys have got a tight group of D&D friends. Is Alex on the outside maybe really fighting for a way in? And maybe he's using his wealth to get in? No, he's just very generous. Very generous. So it's a great system you have set up. You kind of have a D&D sugar daddy a little bit. A sugar D&D.

Exactly. Yeah. Most of the time it's great, but then he gives you a foot. And what does this figurine look like? Just so we know, like a goblin? Oh, I hope it is. I sent a picture in. It's a character from the D&D podcast. That's one of the characters. Okay. I don't know how to describe it. It's an ostentatious kind of character.

For anybody watching on video, we'll post a pic. Yeah, we might be able to see it ourselves. Okay, and when you say send it back, do you mean you're sending it back to Alex or you're sending it back to the company that he got, the podcast that he got it from? Yeah, we sent it back to the online merch store. Okay. So my problem is when he comes over next time and he asks, hey, where's the thing that I got you? Because we have everything else he's gotten that's on this big shelf.

He says, hey, where's this? How do we have that conversation? What do I tell him? I have a question, which is, do you do the D&D at your home or someone else's? It's always at our place. Oh, so you can't be like, it's at Ricky's. Yeah. Duh. What is it made out of? What was it? Was it plastic or glass or something like that? Plastic. Plastic. Damn it. OK, can't blame a break. Yeah, that's where you were going. Do you have an animal?

My dog ate my figurine. Children? Yeah, we have a baby, but she can't even crawl yet. Can you get her crawling by the neck? Never mind. Could she believably have eaten a foot long? She'd be dead. She's a foot long. Okay. I don't have a kid. How do they work? Aiden, can I ask you a question? You know Alex is coming back to the game. Why'd you send it away and not put it in a goddamn closet, my guy?

Why set your house on fire and then later go, what do I do? All my stuff's burnt. It's a fair question. Right? Alex, Aiden, you're a smart guy. You don't play D&D if you're a dumbass. You're not talking about playing bags out in Minnesota. There we go. Callback, but okay. So why did you get rid of it? What's the message here? Well, the reason we got rid of it is, again, small apartment, baby. We don't have any...

storage space left. We're looking to, um, upsize living situations, but,

We try to keep a really clean, tidy house. I don't know. I don't know that I buy this. Yeah. So I'm sorry. So there's a little bit of stink here. And mostly when there's stink, as Jillian likes to say, we stepped in dog shit. Yeah. Stepped in the do. Yeah. So it's what Jillian calls stink, we think. Yeah. So you the only thing you've got rid of in your packed apartment is this one gift or have you thrown away or got rid of a lot of toys?

Um, so we also don't have a lot of toys. Like we have some baby toys. This is the only thing that was non-functional. Normally it's like, okay. Oh, I got you. So you don't have like a wall of figurine. No. Okay. And did you get a re was there a refund when you sent it back? Um, yeah, we're, we're going to get the refund. So that was like,

I think it's going to be around like 50 bucks. Here's my first pitch. You buy a $50 bottle of wine or whatever Alex likes. Yep. And when he comes over, you present it to him and he goes, what's this for? And you said, we loved the gift, but with the baby in the space, we didn't have it. So this, my friend, belongs to you. This is the bottle that Barg bought. Yes. Barg. Barg. I don't know. Stick to the term. That is a pitch. It's a start. What do you got, Shooters?

Go ahead, Jillian. Mine was similar, but it was taking him out for a couple of Subway sandwiches. Okay, that's great. Are we trying to get a Subway sponsor? That's very cool. I don't know. It's a foot long. It's a nice tie in there. Yeah, you could probably get the party sub for that. So you're sitting in front of him. And there's a bunch of food at the event. There's so much.

There's so much meat laying on a sandwich. Yeah. OK. And you just go and you just go, wow, look at this beautiful sandwich we would have never gotten. One big $50 sandwich. For you. A $50 sandwich. And he goes, what did what I paid for this? You go in advance. You didn't realize it.

But I didn't need that dingy old thing you got me. So I returned it for this dingy old upgrade. Now, why don't you have a piece of the sandwich? And you shove that salami and meat and extra lettuce into your mouth. Yeah. And let's have a freaking day. I love this. The idea of getting a big old weird sandwich that is the centerpiece. Everybody shows up and then you go one second and

And he goes, that's the biggest submarine sandwich I've ever seen. You got some $50 sandwich. And everyone's like, this is kind of cool. And you go, well, everybody, one second. Can we all thank Alex?

For this $50 Italian sandwich. And he goes, I didn't get the sandwich. And you go, you're goddamn right you did. You got it in advance. I like it for a number of reasons. Among them that it's very crazy. Yes. And I think it's a way to just no matter. His feelings can't be hurt. A, when you have a sandwich that big. And B, when your gesture is like, thank you for this bounty. Well, also there's the thing of I've been really into this lately. I have this thing where I'm like,

out crazy the crazy. So if it's like he got you this weird gift and you're like, I don't want to give if I give it back to him as a as a party sub, he's going to be like, is Aiden OK? Yeah. As opposed to being mad at you. Yes. I've been talking to my family lately about protection in the home. Yeah. This is a small segue, but I do think it's important to put it out there. Sure it is. Instead of, you know, getting a taser or a gun or anything scary in your home, you

You just throw all your hair. If you have long hair in your face, you wait in the darkness for the burglar to come in. And then you just go, I've been waiting for you. I'm going to fuck your guts. Pretty good. And then they're like, I'm getting out of here. It's 100 percent. Right. It reminds me of my favorite. A hundred percent. Like, yeah, my favorite James Brown lyric, which is I don't know karate, but I know karate. Yeah.

It's a beautiful line. It's a great line, but it basically is saying the same thing. Like, I don't know how to fight you with karate, but I am out of my mind. So when we, I like that. Fuck your guts is good too. Thank you. So Aiden, when you hear out crazy, crazy big sandwich, where's your head at? Well, so that reminded me that the first idea that I had was,

Return it. Don't say anything. Try to gaslight him. Say like, hey, dude, you didn't get us anything. What are you talking about? It's not like a pitch. No, I don't like I have my crazy pitch. I don't like that one because you don't want it. You don't want to call. You don't want to. I mean, he's going to call out the fact that you're, you know, you're changing reality. So what would be your crazy pitch? You do have a storage space and you put it in there because of the kid.

No, you never know. Oh, yeah. You say you're going to get one. So you'll probably get one at some point. You just say it's in there. You'll never know. He's not going to watch Pawn Stars. Or if you like the idea of lying, Aiden, which we all do, which is fun. I wouldn't gaslight. But you know what you could do if this is a road you want to go down? How serious are you about committing to a lie before we go down this road? Mm hmm.

I mean, I can probably commit to the bit for a good few months before I come clean. So then here's what I would say. You're sociopathic enough. Here's what I would say. When he comes over and if he brings it up, you go, yeah, of course, it was right there. We were. And then go. I put it right there. And then, Aiden, what's your wife's name? Megan. You go, Megan.

Did you touch that troll doll? And she goes, of course not. It's right by the fireplace. And you go, it's not there. By the fireplace. And you go, I didn't touch it. And she goes, I swear I didn't touch it. You go, Megan, in front of him. I didn't touch it. This is not funny. Who moved it? Oh, I love it. And then Alex goes like, it's not a big deal. You go, I would just like to know who moved this doll. Because it was here yesterday. And then can I add, you could also go, oh, this is where Megan acts.

I just had the cleaning crew come in. They always move stuff. You know what? I'll call them. I'm going to go in the other room and call them. Then she does. She doesn't call anyone. May I call you? Fine. Hold on. Keep going with this madness. I think I have to fire them. This feels like they said they took some things, but not to make a big deal out of it. And then you go, what the hell? Do we sue them?

And then Megan says, yeah, my dad's a lawyer, so I'll call him right now. You should be writing this down, Aidan. No, you shouldn't. Yeah, you should. Just in case. Megan's in the kitchen making her second fake phone call. Furious. She goes, I don't care what it costs. This was priceless.

Then you invite him to a courtroom where jury duty two starts filming and

And the whole thing is fake. And then in the end, he's, you know, star of a show. And he's winning. He's nominated for the end. He's hanging out with major stars at some. Yeah. We can't really promise because there's a Hollywood element there. You may be out there. I also think you could do a lot of Jillian's pitch of like feigning, like, wait, what's going on? And then go, hey,

We got a party sub and that's going to probably clean the slate a little bit. Nobody's going to think about it anymore because you have 18 feet of subway to eat. I was going in a different lie. Um,

What are you talking about? You don't like that Jillian jumped on board the Jake train? I was very excited until she went into the room and called the cleaning people. Sorry, the cleaning crew. I will say, the crew's great and also the specificity of they said they took a few things. And then, so here's where I would go.

I would say I would go for there was a horror movie called Annabelle. Yeah. So that's about a little psycho doll. Oh, this is great. So I would go with the idea where I was going on. This was the doll moved on its own.

No one stole it. But you go, Alex, we saw this fucking thing yesterday. And then I just goes, I saw it this morning. And you go, I didn't touch it. And everyone goes in the room. You walk around. You go, who touched the doll? No one touched it. If you had told me during Jillian's subway pitch that that would be the most normal one, I'd have said you're crazy. But here we are. Hi.

Out of all of these, mine was the normal one. And the cleaning crew was weird. They've all been weird, but I think the Subway one is just a good way to reincarnate this weird little troll or whatever it is. Now I'm coming back around to Aiden's pitch, which is just making him feel fucking crazy. I don't like it. I know, I don't like it either. Can we try it first? Which one wants to play Aiden? Do you play Alex? I'll play Alex. I'll play Aiden. Okay, here we go. Hey, this is going to be great. I brought some Fritos and bean dip.

Yeah, I love that. Yeah. That's one of my favorite snacks. I'm excited to play. Hey, where did the little, where did the troll end up that I got you guys? The troll from the D&D podcast?

The hell are you talking about, man? What do you mean? The troll doll I got you guys. Remember the foot high? The snacks you brought last time? Because that's the last thing you got me. No, like a couple times before that. I brought you the troll from the podcast. I don't think so. What do you mean? I definitely did.

You're acting crazy right now. I really... Megan, you remember Megan. I brought you the troll. Remember from... You're acting insane. Do you remember that, Megan? No.

Why are you saying Megan's name? Why are you guys saying each other's name? Alex, what is going on with you? I brought you that troll. The foot tall troll. A foot tall troll. Yeah, from Dungeons and Dragons. I think I'd remember if someone brought me that. Agreed. Do you have anything else you want to say to him? Yeah, I just want to say...

that even though we got into this whole troll conversation, I'm willing to forgive you if we just stop talking about it. But I definitely. Aiden, that is best case scenario. It's bad. It's really bad. You're making everybody feel uncomfortable. There's not a person there who's going to go like, I can't wait for next Thursday to play again. We probably shouldn't play this anymore. I think I have the solution. What is it? Just buy it back.

Oh, shit. Put it in the closet and then put it out when he's there. If you want him to keep bringing the good snacks, if you want him to take care of dinners, and if you want him to be your good friend, you'll just get it back. So, Aiden. There's options. You got the $50 sandwich. I love that pitch more than I thought I ever would. You got out crazy the crazy.

You got, and I think that pitch is you put your hair in front of your hair that you tell a burglar you're going to fuck his guts. Well, yeah. You've got. I don't know. Yeah. Don't remember the applicability, to be quite honest with you. But I got gaslighting. You lie to him. Your pitch. You make him feel really bad. You get a storage. You lie and say it's in a storage facility. You pretend the doll moved itself. I do like that one as well. Or you just spend $50, buy it back.

keep it in your closet and when he comes over you bring it out Aiden what are you going to do I think what I'll either do is either get you know like a bottle of wine or a giant sandwich I think I like that um please do the sub if you're going to do one of them please do the sub just even for us please do the sub

Will you honest to God, will you please do a sub so we can get a photo of you guys playing D&D with a $50 sub? $50 sub? With just 18 feet of hoagie? You guys honestly eat $9 worth of... Yeah. Eventually you're just like, well, this is a problem. But then you send the rest home with him. You know, he's got lunch for like 48 days. Sandwiches don't go bad, right? You give him the rest of the sandwich and you say, hey, we would never want to give someone something they didn't want. Yeah. So...

You're thinking of maybe the $50 sandwich or wine. Keep going. Yeah. Either that or say it's in storage and hope he forgets about it by the time we get a bigger place. And yeah, I would say let's not start this lie with them because you guys are going to be playing for a while and eventually that could hurt his feelings.

I would say from our team to yours, we're really pitching a big sandwich. We just I cannot I cannot tell you if you had told me when you said this problem that the last thing Jake would say would just let's go with the big sandwich. If you had told me that would be X marks the spot on this, I'd have been like, what are you talking about? Just buy the enormous sandwich. Aiden, thank you for the call. Jillian.

Oh, please come back. I will. Aiden, please get this sandwich and send us back to Aiden. Thank you, Aiden. Thank you. Bye. Oh, my God.

Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls. To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. Here we go.

That was our heaviest one ever, Kev. Was it really? Well, we had ass cancer. By far. We had ass cancer. Well, we had a woman who had ass cancer, but her bit was, it's kind of done. No, she had colon cancer, and she wanted to go on dates and fuck. And she said, am I allowed to? And we were like, men don't care. Yeah, she was like, how do I tell the guys? We're like, it's not contagious. Guys don't care.

won't give a fuck. Yeah. This was our, this was the first one where it was happening. Yeah. It's like, whoa. Yeah. Mamma mia. By the way, what a fucking killer attitude that woman has. Yeah. So your path has been interesting to me because obviously, you know,

We all know you from the Chappelle show start and all that but then I met you because you directed New Girl Directed one episode of New Girl and I got mauled by the system. What does that mean? I it was a difficult system to be a part of for you. It was yeah, what happened? Well, I remember at one point you came over and you're like boy I don't think I've ever seen a director look this unhappy. Is that true? Yeah

No way. What did that do for your spirit? Because it was like, I was... I'm not remembering. We were at like a zoo or something. We did one part at the zoo. Oof. Yeah. I've been a fan, so I was like, we were all excited to have you. Yeah, we were. I had a good time, but it was... I mean, I didn't have a good time, but it wasn't your guy's fault. Although you guys would do a funny thing. I don't know if it was... I think it was you, but we were doing this scene in a kitchen.

And I was like, yeah, you'll come from here, Zoe. And then Jake, you can come from here and, and you go, no, we've done this blocking before. And I go, all right, well, what do you want to do? Uh, you, you know, like, so it was just walking into a very, uh, settled systems and,

And just trying to like, ah, maybe this. Well, TV, I think TV directing is the weirdest guest position in our industry. Yeah. I think it's built from Ben, like the way fifties used to be. It makes no sense.

I don't remember that moment, but what would happen is we had a DP and operators who knew not only where to shoot stuff, but it was based on where the lights hung. Yes. So if we came in here, a DP will not say to a guest director, that walk-in is an extra 45 minutes of setup. They don't say it. I remember now that happened to me one time where I was like coming over. I boarded the whole thing for one direct. And then...

on the day, the DP who you don't meet until you're shooting. Yes. And they never tell you stuff. Yeah. And then he go, Oh no, you can't shoot that way. Oh, okay.

But then when they let you, which is also trippy, then the whole crew and everybody hates the director. But nobody has told them, can you come in this way? That happened to me also where one of the cameramen snapped at me about something and then I did it and I was like, ah, and then I forgot to get Zoe's cut. Yeah, it got crazy. So I probably said that to you because I liked you and we were buds.

but early on I would watch it happen, then they would lose the whole crew in the cast. And all the director would say is, where Kevin is, walk in. And if you see it's darker there and it's lit here, then the DP would go, you want him over there? And the person would have their, and they would go, yeah, so then they come in here. And we all knew that meant

This is another hour. And because we're behind this person just fucked up and nobody will say shit. But, and I asked, it's like a hierarchy thing because of you, you're not supposed to say anything, but I'm like, we're all on this ship 15 hours a day for years.

This person is a visitor at our Thanksgiving. Yes, but now they're saying we start with the turkey at breakfast Yes, and you go no we don't yeah, well we just come in Yeah, and I'm realized what I wish TV during on sitcoms not like streamer cool Whatever sure sitcom single-game sitcoms the director should just be there for bits. I

let the DP and the operator set camera. The director watches it and goes, Hey Jake, it'd be really funny if you said this. So I go like, thanks. Yes. You made it so much funnier. Yes. The director is supposed to do everything. Yes. And then do a cut, but you're like, your cut doesn't matter. The showrunner is going to take it over. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's all crazy. Yeah. It's a bad system. It's a terror, but I think it's changing. So I did, I did a few episodes. I did a new girl. I did a Mindy. And then I just got more, uh,

i was just like let me just be a comedian yeah yeah yeah so i also did commercials for i mean i still do commercials because that inspiration you know i i was following that a little bit i think it's so cool which i love doing commercials yeah man doing commercials the best and that's fun and doing stand-up and it's i thought people would judge me for not doing tv and movies but people are like great way better yeah yeah yeah so yeah so that's been it's

It's great. That's cool. Yeah, it's so much greater. So how do you work on your next special if you've kind of changed the way you're writing a little bit? Because normally you'll go like, okay, I got all this old material. I'll just kind of start with that again and recycle. But are you now trying to start kind of from scratch? No, yeah. I've been doing spots. I did a spot last night that went like, okay. Yeah.

With all new material. Because you're trying all new. Yeah. Some of it's great. Some of it's not. Yeah. Do you love that process? Because I found when I've gone back out totally fresh, you are bombing, but you're enjoying the fact that there's so much work.

There's like so much improvement to be made in that era. I get mad though. Like last night I did a spot and a friend of mine came and it was kind of like fine. It was like a B. And I'm on, I'm doing, I'm following people that are just like crushing. Like Bobby Lee and Whitney and Ali Wong last night. Just like people that are just crushing with,

And, uh, and then I got, I was pissed that a bit didn't work. And like, I was writing at midnight. Yeah. Like I was like, I gotta get to sleep so I can come here. But I literally got out of bed to get a pen to be like, yeah, it's so it's like, it is a bit, it's inspiring in like a,

- Yeah. - Like, which I, fine. - But that's the hobby. So that, whatever, we've talked about it before of like, you know, the way the game keeps changing and the desire to keep playing. - Yeah. - And at certain points you go like, do I want to keep playing? And if so, what do I want to play? That feeling,

I've realized like that's the fun when you go like, oh, I got hit in the face and I didn't expect it. And I got hit in the face because I didn't work enough. And this could have been better. Yes. That to me is like the part of this game that's under talked about. But what gets so fucking fun that you're like, the point is try your hardest.

Yeah. And get better. Yeah. And then once something wins or loses, it's irrelevant because the new season starts. I also find, I don't know what you guys have experienced with this, but like I've

I have to work hard or I'm not that good. Yeah. Same. Like I have, like, I don't know if you would, I talked to Terry Cruz about memorization. Yeah. I have to write things down over and over and over. Yep. Same. Over and over and over and over. And it's dorky. Same. And I've started referring to myself as like a place kicker where I'm just like, let me do my weird warmups in the corner. I'm,

I'll come in, I'll make the field goal, and then we can all celebrate. But don't talk to me until then. Don't talk to me. I have to just be in my room being where my Netflix special, I've done the hour a hundred times, and I still, the day of, just writing and writing and writing. But that, when I was younger, I thought that was anxiety. And I thought people later did it differently. And what I've realized is that's the joy. We were just talking, I'm pitching something next week.

And I was saying like, there's a vibe as you've done this. That's more like, it's fun. I like doing all the meetings. I like staying up late. I like having it all in my head. I like feeling like it's the first time I'm ever doing it. Getting that like sick feeling and being like the only way through this is work.

Well, the whole idea is that you rehearsed your shit enough so that everyone else is like, this is fun. And you're like, this is science to me. Yeah. It's also like the, thankfully the jobs are hard. Yes, exactly. So it's not like I'm, I, I haven't, I didn't do Santa for like a month. And then I get back to the comedy store and I see the lineup and I'm like, I,

I heard the laughs. I was like, I have to get laughs this big? Against Bobby and Whitney, just in people that are just killing. Jeff Ross, I bring Jeff Ross. It's just like a murderer's run. Come on. Is there any way to just slowly emerge? No, no, no. They're going to come running by, and you have to be able to just run. Run right. That's exactly right. And not miss a beat, and it's hard, but thankfully that's why...

If you get good at it, they'll give you $1 billion. But I think that's what the addiction is. What do I like about playing this podcast when Gareth brought it up to me? Well, what's the game of podcast? Yeah. I'm not a stand up. Is it? Is it? I'm sorry. Is it a competitiveness? Not with others.

It's finding something like this, actually figuring out what... You like the puzzle. I like the puzzle. Yeah. What is this show? What is the best version of it? Where is it doing well? Why? And what are we not thinking? And then when we find it, to go, that is what this is. Now, whatever that thing is, whatever. But we actually hit a groove for eight months where we found what that idea was. It's a shame that you lost it. I know. Yeah. No, we'll find it again. That's why this part goes to Patreon.

That's Oliver, R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

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