103: Smart People Are Our Kryptonite
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We are... We are... Welcome back! Welcome back!

I'm a shark. Jake, this I don't even know how to explain. We just finished this episode. And for me personally, it's insane. Yes, but we got we got a special guest, our friend Heather from Orlando. What's up, Heather?

Hey, still doing good over here. Maybe. We got the shark in a Quincy shirt looking good. What's up, shark? What's up, guys? Feeling good, looking good. We got Gareth in a weird pink bedroom. What's up, Garth? Hey, Jake. This has all been so crazy. Classic Garth.

That's a Garf, Heather. It's Garf. And, you know, Heather, you're really jumping in a lot, Heather. I'm not going to lie. It's a lot. I feel comfortable. You really do. It's kind of like we're like, do you want to come in? And then you're like laying in my bed like, man, these sheets suck. So we got a fun show today. Heather's going to be on it. She's one of the callers. And then she joined us for a follow-up, and we threw her in the intro. So you're going to love her call. It's really fun. After you hear her call. I'm doing all the ads. Ooh, should we do an ad? That's crazy.

No, you're not doing your abs. Where's my cut? Heather, you're fun. Heather, do you want to talk about Quincy clothes? Kevin's wearing Quincy clothes. Yeah, they're my favorite. Yeah, we love Quincy. What do you think about ZocDoc? All I do is go on ZocDoc and Squarespace and HelloFresh. I don't think they're with us anymore, but both of that work.

Yeah, it's Green Chef, but thank you so much for trying. Really fast before we get out of here and start this great show, Gareth, you texted us you had a dream last night. Oh, tell us, Gareth. Heather, it's a lot. You're just right, Heather. Keep going. I had a dream that I went out to eat and that I... Well, Heather, so far the dream... You're really amping it up. Okay, I'm not on camera, though, so I need them to remember I'm there.

That's fair. That's actually super fair. So I had a dream. I went out to eat and I was at a restaurant and I sat at a table away from Barbara from Shark Tank, who, again, we've had some contact. Right. And I and I as I was like sitting there, I was like, should I say something? Should I not? And I just lean over and I go, hey, you know, we we've been trying to get you on my podcast called We're Here to Help. And she goes with Jake Johnson.

And I go, yeah. And then I'm like, oh, yeah. And then so we talk for a minute. And then as she's leaving, I'm like, I got to lock it down. So I go, hey, we'd really love to have you on the show, you know. And she goes to her husband. She goes, get his phone number. He answers all my calls. And I got his number. And I was like and then I was like in my head, I was like, what should I do? I was like, I think I'll just give the number to Kevin. I was like, I woke up and I was like, the show is really good.

entering my world in a bizarre way but by the way man i think that's getting us actually one step closer to the great barbara corcoran being on this show i can't wait neither can i had a dream last night i was standing on a pier in the middle of the ocean and it was a little platform and there was a big killer whale swimming around and i the water was pretty clear and i was watching it and i wasn't scared i just thought what a beautiful creature did you throw your back out

Jake, your dream sounds so much better than all of that crap we heard just now. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado. Ado! I'm right behind you. Great job, Heather. You're so funny. Thank you for the call. Truly funny. Kevin, you do our intro, Shark. You got it.

You got to call yourself Shark. Hello. Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, thanks. Thanks for calling. We have Jake and Gareth and the Shark with you today. Can I please ask what your name is, what your age is, and where you're calling from? Attaboy, Shark. Well done, Shark. Thank you. I'm Heather, 25, Orlando. Great. Perfect.

Heather and Orlando do go together. Am I wrong? No, you ain't wrong, Jake. You're right. Heather, what's up? What's the problem? We got a complicated one. I really don't see an option, so I'd love some help. I told my boss that I signed up for a four-week cooking class so that I could be off work and go to a BDSM rope tying course. Wait, say that again. I got confused there. I know the cooking class. What is the course you're taking?

It was a BDSM rope tying class. Oh, okay. And wait, and

And I didn't want to tell her where I was. So I told her I signed up for a cooking class with my friend. Gotcha. But now she's saying, can I get some of that chicken parm? And you're saying, can I tie your legs to a pole? It's worse than that. Tie you to the wall and feed you it. Yeah. Okay. Let me get your dishes. You go like this. Well. All right, Heather. So you keep talking. Walk us through with that. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Every week, we talk a lot at work. I'm her nanny, and the kids go to sleep, and then we chat. And I just was making up stuff about the class, and she kept asking me, like, how's it going and stuff. She just had a new baby, so she's just home, and she was really invested in it. So I just kept making up details. And now the class is over, and her baby is doing well, and she's ready to leave the house. She wants to go to the class with her husband. Holy shit. Yeah.

I don't have a place to send her. And I can't let her find out I was lying because she'll think I'm a liar and I take care of her children. I got a pitch. I do too. Okay.

We are sponsored by, we are sponsored Tyra, uh, Ty Herner husband up. Uh, you know how to put them in your dungeon. They have to die now. They have to die now. The end of it. No, we are sponsored on this show. I think still, but I know we have been in the past by Squarespace, right? Yep. Which means we could create a fake website for this cooking class, uh,

that we could then say it has been canceled. So you could send her the link to it. She could look at the link. The link could look real. We could maybe either have Caitlin or somebody, one of our followers on here, who's really good at designing a thing. We can give them a shout out who could build a fake cooking class, a four week course, everything that you said, make it seem very real, send her the link. And then she goes,

oh no they just they did the school just shut down and then we can make a funny reason why they closed down why i guess the the main woman was into like tying people up for sex it was like a sex front it was like a sex dungeon then you go none of that was there when i was there but i guess they also did this thing in the basement they tied people up and i mean if you're interested in that i could lead you towards that

But in real, but the real pitch is you got to like that Garth. I love it. Right. Okay. Keep going. My, my, my initial pitch was going to be something like that. It got shut down. So, all right. So we're creating the problem for her, right? Like now we're creating the school. So, okay. So we've, so we've created that via sponsor. Why not via sponsored? Why not also send them our home cooking sponsor?

So we you can say and I know you really wanted to do that. So I actually got you and we can hook you up with like three free at home meals that they can cook together. So here's the problem with it. But but she wants to go to this cooking class. So if the problem was, she said, because she does it over here. She said, cook me a meal. She comes over to your house and you cook it together.

Oh, that's a no. Yeah, she's looking. So I think that would be the solution if she said like, I want to hear I want to taste your great cooking. I hear you. I just worry that she might be like, oh, this is a little suspect. Hold on, Gareth. You just said that because I should hold on. Oh, I never. We've done over 100 episodes. You've never had a little bit of a pessimistic. I don't know if it'll work.

I said, I don't think it'll work. You go, Hey, I got to say, I don't think yours would work. They might be suspicious. We pitch hobos and Santa outfits one time. No, I just, you just fought fire with fire. You said last thing you want, the last thing you want, the last thing you want is for her to be like, I don't think this class existed. I agree. Cause then it becomes crazy. If we really start going down that road, Gareth, we don't have a show. Everything we,

pitch could be that way. The stakes are high because it's a boss. I hear you. I like the pitch. So we got that. Let's put that to the side. Let's see if we can pitch something that tops it. What were you going to say, Heather? You were saying your fear. I wanted to say they're very intelligent people.

And same with us. I mean, I'm worried that they did. We're screwed. Have you ever considered Parmesan in the floor? Yeah. What if you throw something in her car? I'm a shark. Okay. They're very intelligent people. Why don't you put some dog shit in her bed? Cut eye holes in an eye mask.

Start flossing in her living room. Really smart people. Get her tickets to an ostrich farm. As the people we're messing with is the real question of our show. By the way, we need to have an IQ cutoff for our pitches. So I've got a problem. What is it? The person I'm trying to mess with is really smart. Cut it, Kevin. Bye. Our shortest episode. Take care. This show's over. Okay, so.

So let's get back to this and see if we can get a win. Heather, you are a nanny. You like your job. Question. Why didn't you just say what you were doing? Because I've only worked here for like four months at the time. Yeah. And that's just too personal. Yeah. I didn't want her to be like,

What? You know? And then I also didn't want her to be like, well, don't do that. Just come to work. I agree. Okay. I hear what you're saying. Now, this is just for the show and backstory. Do you like to tie up or do you like to be tied up?

I knew you were going to ask me that. I wanted to be tied up, but I went with a friend, and we kind of had to take turns because we both wanted to be tied up. And so when you go to a class like that, what are you then learning? Or are you just going there to be like, I'll volunteer? No, we were partners. And I told her the cooking class, you had to have a partner. And I was like, if I don't go, they're going to kick my friend out, so I got to go. So they were teaching us specific ties each week.

And then they got more complicated each week. Was the, did the instructor have a ponytail and was he wearing Tia? Did you say yes?

They were two females and one had a ponytail. Oh, never mind. If it's a female with a ponytail, she's cool. A guy in Tevas with a ponytail with some version of a tattoo that wrapped around one of his arms and a bracelet and sun-soaked from that Orlando sun. The ponytail is the body's first rope. God gave us all a rope.

But now, Heather Orlando, 25, we've got one pitch so far, and that is we create a fake website about this cooking class. We make it very real. We pitch it with you until you're happy with it. When you and us and as a community will do a follow up where we will we can show it to people on our maybe on the Instagram or whatever page.

We can build it really with the Patreon community because they've been really kind of hands on to make it as real as possible. When we feel it's bulletproof, you send her a link to it. Okay. When you hear that, what do you think? It's a big risk. If you get caught, you've lost your job.

That's what I'm worried about because, okay, if she finds out, I mean, at this point, she wouldn't be mad about what I really did. She would be mad about the 1,000 lies I made up and told her. So I am in deep, you know?

You know, I think, I think the website is the only way out. Okay. So you feel right now, just to be clear with what you said, because I got a little turnaround there. If you said to her right now, I didn't go to the cooking class. I went to a rope tying class because I wanted to get tied up. You feel like she would not trust you anymore and you would lose your job. She would say, okay,

So why did you tell him? I mean, I made up so much stuff about this class. That's what you mean by the thousand lies. OK, so you know, you're going to die by a thousand little cuts. It's really your options are fully come clean or get filthy. And I think you're probably right that it's probably better to just go big. Where did you leave it with her? Like when she suggested this, what did you say? You were like, oh, yeah, I'll hook you up.

At first, I was like, yeah, I'll send you the link. And then I thought maybe she won't ask again. She asked again. And I said, you know what? My friend booked it. I'll have to get it from her. And then she didn't ask for like a week. So I thought I was in the clear. But then last today's Monday, last Thursday, she said, like, you know, my doctor says I'm ready to go and leave the house.

And that cooking class sounded like so much fun. So we got to move. If we're going to do this, we got to move. Because it will become weird. I mean, I would, yeah. It's right at the line. I know.

Because if somebody tells me they've done something and I ask, I go, hey, could you hook me up with that? And they go, yeah. And it doesn't happen. I'm now starting to go, why? Yeah. Why are you being controlling of a cooking class? You fucking weirdo. You're so weird. Okay. So let's just talk real quick. Oh, I have an idea.

What? This is not the press. OK. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. It could help. She said she said the cooking class is like a traveling cooking class. And I didn't know, but it was only in Orlando that one time. So then the Web site is sort of reflecting that. Or are you saying no Web site?

Well, yeah. I think website can reflect it. That'd be fun. Yeah. I would lean towards that. Yeah, the website would reflect like going to Atlanta. Yeah. August 2024, Atlanta. Here's my fear of that, guys. Here's my fear of that. I'll go to Atlanta.

Well, it's not Atlanta. She's not going to Atlanta. She has two babies. Okay, you're right. So, Shark, how long would it take to actually get this website going? Are we close to done? Yeah, we can do it today or tomorrow. Okay, so if we had today's Monday, Heather, if we had something to you by Wednesday, would you send it to her if you approve the look of it right away?

Sure. Okay. What do you think of this as a real solution? I would need to, I guess, tell you all the details that I told her. Yeah. You could put that in an email. Email to us. Caitlin and I can put it in the site and you can give us notes too. If you're like, change this, this doesn't make sense. Let us know.

Okay. And then what we could do, Kevin, right away, if we could do it fast, is why don't we put this call, we can cut this section out one second, Heather, put this raw call on Patreon.

Cool. So that they go, it's going to be edited. It's going to be different. The followup will be part of it. We wanted to get you guys this right away and then show people the website as we go. So people can try to pick it apart on the Patriot. Great. I would also approve. I would put on there would put like almost like tour dates, like a

a list of cities where this is going to be. And the thing that stand-ups do, like sold out. So you put a date, you put the red box around it that says sold out. Tickets moving fast. Yes. Heather, are you into this? Yes, but I'm not on Patreon. No, you don't have to be. No, no, you have to join. Yeah, actually join the Patreon. Join, what are you doing, Heather? Okay, I'll just have to join because I want to see what people say. You're tying sailor knots around people's wrists. That was important to me. Wow.

wow. This, this is tough to hear. Well, now this is important to me. So I'll, I'm the patron too. We, we tie people up with, I would say 60% of our stuff is not as time. Yeah. It's all not. It's like a sailing class more. It's like more. Yeah. It's like 85% tying people up. We're going to go, but this is something I really think could work. Make sure, obviously you don't need to hear it from two guys over 43 years old. Uh,

I made you a little younger, Gareth. What? No, you're actually right. Do not send this and give notes. Don't just say yes until you are 100% confident with this website. Okay. Because we can make it bulletproof. And I really believe this is going to work. She's going to get it. She's going to look at the website. We're going to have all your details. And then she's going to go like, ah, too bad.

It's not here anymore. And they're canceling a lot of stuff. They've moved. And then you go like, oh, that sucks. Then right away you go, let's find something else for you. Yep.

Actually, I would even suggest that you maybe have a cooking class that you've researched in the Orlando area. And so you can say, how about this instead? Send this link and go. I don't think she's here anymore. She travels a lot. But here's one that my friend also recommended. Yeah. And also, why does it take four weeks to learn how to get tied up? Yeah, what's going on? It was a once a week before. Oh.

So why did you have to miss? Oh, you had to miss work once a day for it. Once a week. Yeah. Okay. I got you. Because I was thinking 30 straight days of somebody going like this and that's how you get tied up. I'm like, after the fifth day, I'm thinking, I know how to get tied up. Yeah. I agree. I agree. I get it. Now I feel like it is 25 days not to work. Oh, yeah. I didn't take a month off. Thank you. All right. Let us know because we want to do it right. All right. Yeah. Okay. Bye. Bye, buddy. Bye. Bye.

Handbag.

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Hey everyone, Producer Kevin here. These next two calls and follow-up all have a few video components where the guys and I look at the images that the caller sent. So if you'd like to follow along and see for yourself, you can go to the episode description and the links on there will take you exactly to where the spot on the video is. This is taking way too long to explain. Pics in the description. Enjoy the calls.

Hello. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name, age, where you're called from roughly, and then we'll get into solving this problem. Yes. Now we're talking. My name is Natalie. I'm from Raleigh, North Carolina, and I'm 31. Natalie, 31, Raleigh. Jake, you want to ask her a weird quirk question? You got something? Favorite shoe, left or right, something like that? Go for it. Oh, wow.

Well, now I got nothing because I'm humiliated. No, go on. Do one. Hey, Natalie, what kind of shoe do you like putting on first? Your left one or your right one? Definitely my right one. Interesting. Ooh, and why? Fascinating. All right, Natalie, what do you got? What do you got? What's the question that's going to blow this one up? Oh, boy. I'm going to look out. Okay. My question is that I have a...

rescue dog named chance who has some super bad separation anxiety and so that means that when we leave the house like for any length of time he will destroy things so it's sure a big deal he uh

Yeah, it's tough. And so we tried everything. We tried medication and training, doggy daycare, all kinds of stuff. And in kind of a last ditch effort to make it work for us to leave the house, we found an article that had a funky idea in it of buying a mannequin.

And having them stay with the dog. This feels like we pitched it to the article. It feels like you've already gotten some bad advice, but okay, we'll double down.

Yeah. I'll pretend we did that. It's a great pitch. So what is the mannequin? The mannequin is there just to sort of be like, there's a person here. So Chance thinks there's somebody there. It's like the carpool trick, right? You throw a dummy in the passenger seat or you wrestle at it in your gym and get made fun of. Come on. You got lockers in there. That's a real deal set. Yeah.

As you say, which is true, fake lockers with nothing in them. Natalie, so the article said there's a mannequin that you leave home and Chance sees it as its owner and feels fine. Exactly. Yeah. And so we actually did try it and it worked really well for a little bit. How do you know it worked? Just because the furniture wasn't torn up?

Yeah, and we have cameras. We have like pet cameras that we watched him and he was like, yeah, he didn't do any damage and he wasn't nervous. If you have a house sitter come into your house, don't watch the tapes. We've learned just whatever that person wants to do. We're looking back on year one and we've learned some lessons and one of them is, yeah, that person's going to be masturbating.

It's not a cool movie to watch, Natalie. We'll turn off for sure. Yeah. Only for now. Natalie, I'm going to show the screenshots of your pet cam to the guys. Please. So they can see what we're working with. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I already think I know your problem.

How could you love your dog anymore? That dog is just sleeping on the dummy. Oh my God, is this good? The dummy looks like it is a bodybuilding high school, the musical extra.

I agree. It looks like a junior in high school who's in a band and is really mad at their parents because they found it all weekend in this club. What I love is the dog's face in that second picture has a similar sort of bashful shame that Jake has when he gets caught in his fake locker room with his little dummy buddy.

By the way, I'm looking at Chance. Let's fucking let's tap that guy out, man. Let's rip his legs off. So now this is a great setup. By the way, the dog has a buddy. What is the question or is the comment you figured out? Yeah, you just bragging. The question is, unfortunately, it stopped working. He started to figure out that she was not real and started to get nervous. Her name is we've named her Kim. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And so the issue is... I would have gone Trevor and headed a guy for sure with that look. That's all right. But whatever. I'm fine with Kim. That's fine. I'm fine with Kim. This is already good brainstorming because my question is that what can we do to make this mannequin more realistic and believable to the dogs? How far did we go? I've got a clear first pitch. Okay.

You get a recording of talking. Okay. And you put it in Kim's chest so that Kim says you can press play or you can do it from you so that during the day, every once in a while, Kim just goes, good chance. Good boy. Sit down.

Good boy. Come here, Chance. Come here. Come here. And it's not your voice or your partner's. It's a different voice that is Kim's voice. It's either it's going to be a version of me, Gareth, and the shark's voice. But I would say that's the move. We're definitely doing the voice. So that when you play it, you get Kim's voice to be higher so that Chance can't help it. His tail starts wagging. And then his brain goes, I can't.

The fucking dummy's making my tail wag. Uh-oh, I'm talking about my gym now. Keep going. Keep going, you little weirdo. I'm revealing too much accidentally. And then maybe the dog will wrestle with it and its wife will understand that that's okay. I realize I want it out. Once I said the fucking dummy's making your tail wag, I had to do it before Karen. The fucking dummy's making your tail wag.

I thought, I'm dead in a way I'll never recover. Natalie, what do you think about recording something and playing it so that the way we trick chance... We should do this with your dummy, too. We should just record some voices for your... Okay, Gareth, I'll give you one minute to be the dummy. Oh, Jake. Oh, man. Oh, really good stuff, Jake. Oh, Jake. Oh, you're pitting me so good. Oh, I think I hurt my back. Your back seems to be doing fine. Your back doesn't get hurt.

Oh, man. Oh, that's so good, Jake. Good pin, Jake. Oh, man. Remember when you walked five miles home because you left your phone in your car? Okay, here, we're moving on. Remember when you walked five miles with me last night? Oh, it's crazy. All right, so Natalie, what do you think about...

a little bit of audio in Kim and you can be honest. Yeah, we have tried something similar. I, I got this like recording device that when you get near it, it goes off is the, the idea. Um, because I couldn't figure out how to, how to like, you know, press a button from far away and record something. Uh, it, and I use like an AI voice that I found online, not one of ours. Like, um, it,

It did not really work. The logistics just didn't work. It didn't really go off consistently. But I don't know what other way to get... I think the recording is still solid. Are we looking to just change the look of the... What do you think is going to work? You're looking to change the look of the mannequin? Positioning of the mannequin?

This is a little bit embarrassing to admit, but we have tried like kind of treating her like a real person within the house. OK, so just hold on. I'll cut you off. Please tell me you have video. OK, so what is happening for those of you who are not piecing this together? They've now incorporated Kim into their lives.

So now they are in... Hold on, Natalie. In order for Chance to have the experience of believing that Kim is real, in Natalie's house now, they are talking to the dummy regularly. Let me ask you this. Have you ever wrestled it? But hold on. I'm not making a joke, Gareth. That would have been my pitch. And I mean it seriously, because what I was going to say is...

If you humanize it and have dinner with Kim, so Chance is watching, and then you put Kim in either your clothes so the dog smells you guys. Yeah. This is a wild world. Look, I know this is weird stuff. I know it. I agree. But you're telling me, because that honestly was going to be my next pitch. I love it. You're saying that didn't work. It's insane. Yeah. Okay, so what happened? Yeah, we haven't really committed.

We haven't, we've just done it briefly. Like we'll just, you know, get her a glass of water and ask her what she wants on TV before we leave.

I would be very happy if you did that alone and you're just saying we and the reveal is you. Or you married Kim. What I would really love is, well, we tried. We had dinner with her. And then the reveal is you live alone. We all had a little too much to drink. And Kim ended up coming in the bedroom with us. And all jokes aside, Kim and I got in a pretty serious fight. Kim and I had a huge argument. We had to call the cops on Kim. So...

That's not working. The audio is not working. What else have you tried, Natalie?

I mean, that's it. I guess I'm wondering if we need to go all in on the having her as a house guest. Yes. Interesting. So, I mean, obviously we will probably end up there, but just because it's your instinct and you know best and we're just here pitching you, you know the dog better than we know Chance. What's in your gut that you think is going to work? And then in that zone, we could help pitch.

But do you think the more if you humanize Kim, you change Kim's clothes, you have dinner with Kim. Kim watches a movie with you guys. You do jujitsu with Kim, whatever you want to do. Do you think chance all of a sudden is going to go crazy?

You know, I thought Kim was just a weird dummy with a wig on, but I guess I'm a fucking dumb dog. Kim's the real deal. Then I saw you guys drinking pina coladas together, and I realized Kim is real. How could this be a fake thou that's literally dancing with my mom for two hours straight? I mean, we just watched two movies with Kim. Let me ask a question to myself, Chance. Would a dummy beat mom at Monopoly? All right, let's shower Kim.

All right, mom's out here. I'm going to sit on Kim's lap and life is good, right? So that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to tell Chance, life's good. Your aunt Kim is here. Chill out. Put your head on her lap and just relax. Aunt Kim is a great addition. And she just gets quiet. Aunt Kim. Oh, here's something you could do, Natalie. This is Aunt Kim. Make Aunt Kim leave sometimes because I think what's happening is the dog is starting to see Kim as furniture because it never leaves.

Have a big goodbye. You leave. Then have somebody come knock on the door with Kim. Say hi. Greet. Put the hand down so Kim massages Chance's head too. Then Aunt Kim's got to go to dinner. And when the dog's not looking, put it in my garage and I'll fucking tap them. Jesus Christ. I mean, me and my dummy versus Kim. Hey, buddy. We got a home field advantage, Jake said to his other dummy.

Yo, yo, yo, man. Let's do this. Let's do this. All right, Jake. Our lockers are fake. I don't hate that pitch either. I also think we could do an outfit change. Yeah. A full outfit change. We could start coming up with a series of characters. Multiple looks.

Shark, what do you got? To Jake's point, have a going away party for Kim and like very dramatic and like, okay, she's leaving. She's touring. She's opening for Taylor Swift. But I think, you know, we're obviously goofing around and heightening it, but I do think it actually will work. Yeah.

Because now how you want to do it, the more fun you want to have with it of a going away party. Well, that's all for you and your partner, whoever you're with, your friends to have laughs at it or ideally alone and film it. But the truth is the dog will believe you if you commit. And if Kim leaves and then when Kim comes back in, if there's a doorbell ringing, Kim's there in different clothes and you get excited, you know what Chance's tail is going to do? Wag. Wag.

Natalie, are we in a house or an apartment? What are we dealing with here? House. Okay. Yeah. All right. So it can be pulled off a little easier than the neighbors being like, oh, cool, their dummy's outside again. So let's not worry about judgment. Yeah, we're past that. Are you saying that just because you have a fake jujitsu set?

Well, yeah. I mean, sometimes I wrestle with my garage door open. Because you play a character when you go into your... No, because sometimes my garage door is open when I'm tapping his ass off. When people walk by, I yell, you're next. Tapping his ass off, yeah. Good stuff. Okay. I think that could work. And I also think like adding different outfits. Like you could have a sombrero character. You could have a snorkel outfit. It also might be good to put Kim under the blankets on the couch like she's taking a nap. Also, foods. Yeah.

Why don't you mix like a ham sandwich, put it on Kim's lips so that the dog smells different things coming out of Kim? I mean, there are times where I'm like, wow, we're on the same page. And then you talk about rubbing a ham sandwich on the mannequin's mouth. Ha ha ha!

Like, why not just rub ham? Why are you making a whole sandwich? I'll tell you a weakness of my game is anything involving the dummy because when I'm saying it, I'm expecting... Are you feeding your dummy sandwiches? Well, before I fight him, I give him forgiveness. Did you make a little subway set in there too where you pretend to be a sandwich artist? He's got to carve up a little bit. But what I'm waiting for is the moment that you'll say a lot, Gareth, where you go, you know, Jake's right on this. And then we'll start pitching and I'll go like, rub ham sandwich and I'll look at you and you'll go...

Shark seems to be more with me on it. Are you making lunch? No, this is just a sandwich to rub on the mannequin's mouth. But, Danly, the point of it is we all know a dog has a great sense of smell. Yeah.

Yeah. So if it smells like a plastic dummy, it is a plastic dummy. If it smells like a little bit of ham, a little bit of BO, well, then it might be a person. It's just the way you're subtly throwing in the idea now that we're like rubbing our armpits on. Like you're saying these things like they're just easy. Like you are now talking about going for a jog and coming home and sweating Kim. No, what I am saying is going for a jog and putting your shirt on Kim after. That's right.

Okay. So Natalie, what are you thinking? And if you're thinking wardrobe changes, if you're thinking of going out, walk us through where your head's at. Let's let you talk a little bit. Yeah. My, I like the smells. I think that's a great idea. We have not tried the leaving. We do currently keep her in the garage, but we haven't made a show of her leaving. It's kind of just been, you know, put her in the garage. Yeah. The other thing that I want to think about too, is that,

I'm, I have a one-year-old and I don't know how to, I want to make sure he's not scared. Well,

You got to listen. It's a little late in the game. It's a big new review. I totally agree. Kevin, how about the kid? I mean, honestly, yeah, we solved it. And then you're like, I agree. The only problem here is then the more I help the dog, the more I damage my son. Yeah. Yeah. The only problem is I run a daycare in my house. I think it's really weird. I have a ham covered doll. When I was hamming Kim, my child started to cry. Hamming Kim title. Title. Uh,

But here's what I got to say. We can't touch the one-year-old thing, but honestly, a one-year-old or so, we got to fix this problem before that kid turns three and a half. Yeah, I think you're in an okay zone. Yeah. But you got about a year and a half to fix this because what you don't want is a five-year-old being like, my parents have this weird dummy. And then as we've known in this show, other people use these dummies for other things. I'm not talking about jujitsu. I'm talking about the lady who throws tires.

So there are people who have these dolls for the wrong reasons, Natalie, and you just need one play date where one parent to pick up their kid and go,

what's going on? And you go, oh, that's Kim. And they go, right. Yeah. A ham-covered doll in the middle of your living room and my kid was sleeping over here? Not again. Yeah, you got to do what Jake does and hide it from your kid's friends. But no, I think that's right. I think if the kid were to be five and you were to be like, did you even say hi to Kim? She's over. That would start to get weird. I really believe, Natalie, that if you do a version of saying goodbye, because I think what's happening is

I think chance has outsmarted the game because I think it's all smell based. I'll tell you what that dog smells, your garage, your living room. If all of a sudden the dog started, started smelling unique smells with Kim, uh,

It just wouldn't know how to judge it. If there's different shirt, because it's basically like you're taking something storage out of your garage and bringing it in. But that first photo we saw, which was brilliant, that dog was comfortably happy to have Kim there. So and then sitting next to it with the sad eyes, he was like, I got that photo now tells me he goes, I think you fucked me here.

I think this is a dummy. This, this dummy doesn't smell like ham. Yeah. I, I, I don't believe this is a person anymore. So I think my real thing is clothes. Yes. Uh, have it leave, have it, it's going to a concert, whatever you want to do. Open for Taylor Swift. Yeah. Open for Taylor Swift. I think that'd be great. But I, I think that I think this doll needs to be covered in five different smells. One of them should be after a workout. One should be ham. Uh,

Three could be something else. Four could be something else. The list of five you just gave was amazing. A neighborhood park. A sweaty shirt, ham, and three others. That's the name of my autobiography. Five things with Jay Johnson. One. Sweaty shirt. Two. Three others. Three, and then there's a few others. Thank you so much. And three others. So, Natalie, what do you think you're going to do?

I think, yeah, I think I'm going to definitely beef up, ham up the smells. That's a great idea. Food. Yeah, definitely saying goodbye to her, having her. Yeah. What about this also? What if in Kim's pockets you put a couple of the dog's treats?

So when you're gone, the dog has a little bit more of a mission. And you know what you could do before you go? Put Kim's hand out and have Kim give the treats to the dog. Oh, that's good. Just establish. So here's what I think you could do for us, Natalie.

whatever you do just you know doc just tell us what if you want to film it great if not not but a photo of what the final thing is if you want to send a video of you ham and kim's face obviously i would love to see it gareth less so shark shark would like to uh but whatever you want to do what we'd really love to see is some of the pet cam footage yeah of the dog alone

after you have gone that maybe we could speed through it so we could play it but I'm like fast forward to see if it works a couple more costumes too and I would also say maybe get a fake beard involved that's it

And I'm walking away from a room full of people wowed with a pitch. Are you talking about drawing it on or getting like a weird pirates thing? Well, I think there's, you know, there's some daylight between those two options, but I would say like, are you talking about getting the, like the glue and putting it on? No, no, no. Just like a little beard you wear. So Natalie, will you walk us through specifically what you're going to do and when you're going to try to do this?

Yes. We, I mean, next week, cause we, um, I'm, I'm staying at home with my one-year-old right now. So we can bring Kim in, greet her,

Get her things that she needs. Have her, like you said, give Santa a treat. Great. Get her on the couch. Get her a little plate with a ham sandwich. Great. Rub it up in there a little bit. Go on. Will you take a... Sharks go on. Will you take a couple pics of that, please?

definitely thanks yeah the police are gonna need to see those eventually anyway child services will need those natalie i'll send you pics of me hamming my dummy you know hamming my dummy no we just go into jake's fake locker room set and there's just jake and the dummy wrestling over ham all right so natalie keep going you're gonna ham up kim and then what

Yeah. And then we'll, we'll leave hopefully maybe her hand open with treats that chance can get after we leave and yeah. And then go and, and hopefully come back to a happy dog.

I think this is a win. Give her a big show to say goodbye. I think it's a win for us. I mean, we've got her dressing up this dummy in multiple outfits and putting gym clothes on it while she rubs ham on its face with treats in the pockets. I mean, for us, we're doing great. I don't know about the reality of what she's dealing with.

You don't think it's going to work for real, Gareth, or did you just want to make a joke? I worry. My genuine concern is that you're going to have to keep refreshing the dummy a lot. Let me finish. You're going to have to keep refreshing the dummy's outfits and stuff like that in order to keep the dog. Of course, because chance is smart. And you're right. Jake's right. You might be going with different cured meats, you know, one a week, something like that.

You could do a little turkey, a little salami. Right now we're paying for daycare. And so we're, we're happy to put in consistent effort. But I think the only time you make a change is when chance all of a sudden goes, wait a second. The next day he goes, is that salami on Kim's lips? Dummy ain't eating salami.

We've definitely outstayed our welcome with our advice for you, Kim. I mean, what just was said is not okay. Natalie, we appreciate you. Please follow up. I'd really like to know what happens. Please. Very invested in this. What do you got, Shark? Shark looked like he wanted to say something. I would walk Kim to the car with your dog, put Kim in the passenger seat, and say goodbye, Kim, and let the dog see Kim driving away.

Well, Kim can't drive away because Kim's a dumbass. Guys, I love you, and Natalie, I love you. We are off the map. You know what? Actually, Dan, hold on. I'm going to actually pitch something. What are your neighbors? Sorry, let's go back to ham sandwich. Ham did not help anything. I'm not saying that. I got a real pitch on what Kevin just said because I think there's something that could be interesting. Tie balloons around her and let her float to space?

I'd like to watch it. I would say take Kim in the car, just like Kevin said, then bring Chance in the car. So you guys then drive and he's thinking the fucking dummies in the front seat. Go to a dog park, do daycare, whatever you do. But Kim is sitting shotgun.

Yeah. Yeah. And then guess what? Kim's going to smell different. Leave the windows down. Now Kim smells like the outside air. Give her a cigar. Oh my God. She smells hot.

Kim smokes pot in the front seat. Oh, Kim's going through a phase of weed? Cool. With those bangs? Kim's got a bong? It's all fun until the cops pull her over and are like, what's going on? And you're like, the dummy smokes weed, officer. Have I... Let me introduce you to Chance. Would you like some road ham? Yeah, it's the dummy's cocaine, not mine, Your Honor. The dummy is a huge cokehead. I've been sober for two months. So...

Natalie, I think we could win here. Gareth is less enthusiastic, but I actually think it's going to take a little bit of work. I'm excited. But I do think it's ridiculous. But I think the follow up of this is going to be positive. I do, too. Until you drive the dummy to the dog park. I think up until then, we were pretty good. But I do think you're going to have to keep shifting it. And that's part of the game. And then what's going to happen is Chance is going to slowly get less and less anxiety. And then he's going to be fine. And then there's going to be a moment he doesn't need Kim.

Yeah. I like it. I like it too. And then if you need to send Kim anywhere, I have a buddy who would love to. Thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it. Thanks, Natalie. Thank you so much. Great call. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller, we're,

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We are brought to you by Hero Bread. We love Hero Bread here on the show. Love it. We love the bread. We love the tortillas. It's, you know, it's one of those things where... Yeah, and, you know, you kind of try to, like, cut bread out if you're trying to eat healthy. That's kind of one of the first things to go. And then think about it, like, summer barbecues, all that stuff, and you're going like, eh, I don't know, but they have all, they have now made it so that

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keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with hero bread get 10 off your order at hero.co and use code help at checkout that's help at h-e-r-o.co hello hi there welcome to we're here to help america's number one podcast don't look it up can we get your name age and where you're calling from please

I'm going to go by Cara. I am 40 and I live in Los Angeles. I am in the Shokes. And you do a voiceover for a living because you got a great voice. I do not.

I used to stream on Twitch, so I do have a mic that's decent. Boy, it's very good considering the calls. We just had a call where someone sounded like they were calling from underground. So Kara40 from the Oaks, can you walk us through

What's happening? So around last year, my husband and I moved to the Shokes. We were excited. It was a larger place. We could have family stay over, people visit for the holidays. Last Christmas, a little before Christmas, I had my family in and my cousin and her husband were in town and we invited them over for a game night. You know, I kind of like envisioned this like

fake sitcom we're all around the table laughing we drink hot cocoa and like everything's great kind of didn't go that way they were late there was like all these other issues and the thing why i'm calling about with my question is they made a comment about our refrigerator um i didn't expect so we had no fridge i know new to the show

My husband was kind of shocked too. You know, we had from our old place was a smaller, older building, typical of LA Valley. And when we moved, it was a much larger space for the refrigerator, but, you know, moving costs money and we're not rich. So we just put the refrigerator in there and my cousin's husband says,

It's a weird little fridge in a big spot. Yeah, you've got a tiny fridge, big space. Big space, little fridge. We could say it four more different ways. Big hole, little cold box. We're not going to. I agree, because it's about food. Exactly.

Have you ever considered doing... And I think we ran out of ways to say it, to be quite honest with you. But keep going. So let's hear about this little fridge in the big space. I'm going to share the picture that you sent. Wait, but unless you got something new. Is there any other info before we see the picture? Well, so the husband, my cousin's husband, we'll call him Fred and Ethel. Okay. Says...

When are you going to get a grown-up fridge? Oh, ouchie, wouchie. You got a baby box. Wow. Baby ice box. All right, Fred.

Fred and Ethel. Okay, I really want to show the picture. All right, yeah, well, just so we don't get too much on your side, let's have a... Oh, wow. You guys are supposed to be on my side. We are on your side, but, Cara, give us a second to actually... We need to set the scene. Give us a second to actually realize what... That's terrible. It's not... Here's...

It's not great. It is far smaller than I imagined it would be. Well, it's also, there is a very specific cut in with the cabinetry of where the refrigerator should fit in. I also feel like you didn't really try. I feel like you get a little more centered. Yeah.

Well, we did have it. This is when they were taking it away. We had a microwave on top of it. That helps. Okay. I got you. So you made it look, and you probably had like brooms on the right of it or something like that. Yeah. Maybe another fridge. Yeah.

It didn't look like. Maybe you had a second fridge there to take up that extra space. That's very vacant. And so long story short, your cousin's coming, but you got that cool stove next to it. I'm starting to get a sense of this place. And you have a wall oven. Yeah, it looks cool. It's got that room, but you're right here. It's that cool L.

LA vintage apartment vibe. Your cousins come, you're hoping for the families are all having a great time. It's not what's happening with Fred and Ethel. They're late. They're not playing games. And then he says, when are you going to get a grownup fridge? Yeah. And where did that, where did that comment come from? Was it like,

How's your morning? Did you sleep well? When are you going to get a grown-up fridge? Or was it mostly a bomb like that? There's some battling beforehand, no? No. Like, we were sitting at the dining room table. I don't know. She just, like, looked over. Like, it's open. So, like, the kitchen is there. There's, like, a breakfast bar. I don't know. It's also a black fridge and white walls. Look, the fridge doesn't work. But we're in transition. We just moved. And we knew that. Yeah.

Yeah, we need that. Yes. We need money. It's just a refrigerator. Yes. How is your how is the tone of when he said it was it very like joking or was it like it said very much as a dig? Yeah. For example, my dad will make a similar joke where he would go, hey, you give this fridge enough water and sunlight. Maybe it'll grow up to be a big fridge. Yeah.

But it's very obvious in his tone. It's a joke. But if he said it very dry, I think it would not read well. Yeah, that's true. He's not a very funny person. Good line. He's older than he's in his 50s. He's not that old. Go ahead. He's not very funny. So when he said it, it wasn't like... How did it do?

It didn't land well. I'm originally from the East Coast. They're from the East Coast. My husband was rightfully very offended by this. He is not from the East Coast. He was born in LA. It's not a mean joke. Just to jump in for a second because now we got the setup. It's an interesting one. What is the specific question? Cousin left.

Yeah. You guys didn't have a big response to it later. You processed and you both said like, fuck him. So what is the specific question now? Well, we got a new fridge. Okay. Can we see a pic of that one?

Look at you guys. Maybe too big. A little big. It's honestly very big. Maybe you guys overcompensated. That's a guy who goes through a divorce and then gets a convertible and you're like, take your earring off, my king. You think I got a small fucking fridge? I got

the biggest fridge that'll fit in the spot. When are you going to get a grown-up fridge? I can't open the fridge doors in this. I mean, you can't use the kitchen, but you got a fridge. This is where embryos are stored. This is a lab-grade fridge. There's literally a dead body. There's three dead bodies in there.

Okay, so you got a massive new fridge. You got what I like to call a fuck you fridge. Yeah, exactly. You guys don't like to be teased. Okay. Okay, so you got a massive killer fridge. It's working for you. Is there a kitchen behind the fridge? There's a kitchen table in there. So then what is the, so you've solved the problem. So what is the question?

So when I originally emailed, I was like, how do I launch this for them to see? How do you have your coming out? Yeah, interesting. I kind of want to be a little petty and I want to replace the call. Yes, it is. But things have changed a little bit if they'll be here visiting in about five weeks. Wait, they're coming back? Yeah.

They're they are coming back. I thought the visit was bad. Well, his daughter lives in Los Angeles. So he's, but she's having a baby. So they'll be here for a week. Oh, but they don't stay with, they don't stay with you though. They don't stay with us. No, I would. No, no. Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. His daughter's having a baby. Yes.

Yes. So there's a lot of baby stuff. There's a lot of celebrating this. You went from a baby fridge. He said, when are you going to get a grown up fridge? You could celebrate when he comes over where you have like a fridge reveal. Yes. Like the decorations of like the adult fridge. It's a big one. What kind of fridge is it?

It's a Samsung. So you can have it. It's a Samsung banner. And you could really overdo it so that it's a celibate. When he walks in, it's a Samsung. And guess what? He's a big boy. He's a grown up. Yes. We could do the same vibes he's going to do with the baby. A bunch of photos with you guys and it. I also think you could do like if what you...

I mean, you know what he likes. Like if he likes a certain beer or a certain drink, you can go, oh yeah, we have a bunch of it on the right side door of this. Do you need some ice? It has an ice maker beneath it.

What do you think about something like this? How petty do you want to get? What's the zone you want to live in? I feel like that might be the way. Because originally I was like, when I didn't know they were coming, it was like, okay, how can I put something on the internet? Like he's not on the internet, but that my cousin would see and like somehow mentioned to him like, oh, they got a new fridge. So I think this might be the way. Like I schedule another game night

Okay. And then I just have like blue balloons everywhere. I also think you want to get a sash.

That goes over it that says grown-up fridge like it won Miss America? I can probably get that made on Etsy. So here's an idea. I'm only saying this now because you're our friend. You're a friend of the show. So we had one where somebody called in where they wanted to do a whole prank about a guy had cheated on her. It was like a real estate agent. And she was going back to see the house. And we were planning this whole character. With Randy Wilson. Yes.

I listened to that episode, yes. And the fear of that one afterwards was, what if it's not a big deal for anybody but her? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. So my only fear is if you do all this and you're like, it's a grown-up fridge, Samsung had me. And he goes, what are you talking about? And you go, do you remember what you said? And he goes, listen, I'm from fucking Boston. We make mean jokes. What did I even say? My name is Tommy, I'm from Boston, and I went to international school.

You sure did, Tommy. In England. What? I was born in South East. Then do an English accent. Fuck. From where I'm from near the cathedral over on 4th Street. What the hell? That's where I'm from down in South East. I love Dunkin' Donuts. I love Matt Damon. All right. All right, Tommy.

I love Kaczynski. Tommy, hey, do you remember when you made that comment about the fridge? Yeah. No. So here's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about if you do a whole thing and he doesn't remember. So here's my pitch to you.

Let's do something subtle and weird. That's just a dig to him. And that is make a little plaque on your fridge that says voted number one, adult fridge in America from Samsung. So that there's like the idea that this fridge specifically, when he said like, when are you going to grow up and get an adult fridge? Is that what his line was? Yes. So it's number one, number one, adult fridge,

grown-up fridge, blah, blah, blah, so that when he goes in there, he sees it, and then he has to bring it up to you, so he can go, oh, very funny, and then you could say, what are you talking about? And he goes, remember that comment I made? And you go, no. What are your thoughts on that? I like it. And I get it. I expected a bigger reaction. No, I like it because we are talking about a big swing to one person. But he didn't wrong you.

Yes, but you do the whole signage. Then you have a game night and people are like, what's with the Samsung sign? And you go like, seven weeks ago. Okay, he made a joke and everyone's like, chill out. By the way, if people saw pictures of that other fridge, I'd be like, he was right. Yes. It looks like a wizard shrank your actual fridge. But I think we should do a specific attack on him.

What do you think? What do you go ahead? So, so I think this is probably where we're going to go. I will say there is the long con talk to the long con is you get over to their house. Now we're talking, you somehow you end up on the East coast. You go to their house and you dig at their fridge.

And you do the like little baby fridge. Why don't you get a mini fridge? It's the kind of fridge that we keep in our room next to our table. We have this one in our bedroom for LaCroix's. What if I get like a magnet for their fridge too? That says something like not a grownup fridge or, or what if you get a magnet on yours that you just write grownup fridge?

I think that would work because one, it's removable for anyone else who comes over. I don't want people to come over and be like, I think she's a little out there. What if you asked her for a picture of their fridge and

In a magnet, you have a picture of their fridge on your fridge. Because you're definitely winning the fridge game. Yes. I am. I really am. It doesn't even look like it opens. I mean, you guys really took this. This fridge has to be like $1,500. How about a sign on your fridge that says, my fridge is bigger than yours? I like that. I think keeping it in the confines of fridge. My fridge makes your fridge look little? Yeah. Yeah. My fridge makes your fridge look like a mini fridge.

What do you think about something like this? Fridge specific? Never thought I'd say that to you. I think that that could work too. How about your fridge is small? Well, I think I could get their daughter to send me a picture of the fridge. She would probably be like... Why don't you get a picture of their fridge and put something in there that's like that? Like... Yeah, my fridge is bigger than your fridge. Look at this tiny ass fridge. Yeah.

Ha ha, tiny fridge. Yeah. How about this? You get a photo of your fridge and then you get a photo of theirs and then you get one that you say with yours fridge and his, you say fridge junior. Yeah. Baby fridge. Yeah. Fridge junior. Lil fridge. Lil fridge.

He goes, wait, is there a photo of my fridge and you have Lil' Fridge? And you go, yeah, you have a Lil' Fridge, dude. I mean, you got a tiny fridge. When are you going to get a grown-up fridge? And then you say it back. Yeah. So what do you think about this idea? Because I think we might have hit a home run here or at least hit the ball. I think that that's the home run. And so getting a photo from his daughter of his fridge, calling it Lil' Fridge, and then having a sign on your fridge that says,

Big fridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just putting it up there. And then if he comments on it, you say, when are you going to get a grown-up fridge, Fred? Oh, it's just I want to motivate you to get a grown-up fridge one of these days. And that's it. That's petty. It's fun. It's easy. It's weird. I would also stock your, like, save your shop until the day that they're coming over so your fridge is locked and loaded. Yeah, with stuff.

Because I will say it is a little big, but it's not even a crazy ass fridge. You couldn't car. It is. I mean, if you can bring up the other image of their first fridge.

I mean, it is absolutely... Now put them side by side. I mean, we are talking about Barry Bonds when he came into the league and when he left it. We've got your tiny fridge there, and then we've got your monster... I mean, it is literally...

The surface area of two of your previous fridges. You overcompensated for sure. It's about double the size capacity. It is a huge ass fridge. You got a half. I think you do. I think we do the photo of his fridge, little fridge, a big fridge, and you end it there. What do you think? What are you going to do? I think that's what I'm going to do. And then I'll be definitely sure to share when I, to share with you guys. Please. Yeah.

But I knew this was the place to go. Okay. This is right in our wheelhouse. Yeah. We appreciate you. This is for them. Well, we appreciate the call. We're excited to see the follow-ups. And you were right. This is perfect for us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. I can't wait to listen. Bye-bye. Thank you. Well, you just heard it. Hello, caller. Can you hear us? Yeah.

Hi, this is the shark producer, Kevin. I got Jake with me. Gareth is probably in these. He's he's MIA straight up.

He's MIA. He's MIA. Yeah, he was supposed to be with us and he's missing. But we're happy to have you. Yes. I'm happy to be here. Thank you. So Jake doesn't know who this is. I obviously do. Can you remind Jake and the listeners who you are and what your first call was about?

Yes, I'm Heather from Orlando. I went to the cooking class. Oh, yes. Heather, how's the website? I was doing those emails with you guys a little bit and then I fell off. So the website turned out great. I joined the Patreon and people on the Patreon. Yeah. We're like giving feedback and helping Caitlin with it. The Patreon is fun. I'm not going to lie. It's a good community.

It is. It is. I'm glad I'm on there. So I sent it to my boss Tuesday night and we recorded Monday afternoon. No way. Oh, the website looks so good.

Oh my God. Okay. The Friendly Shark making food that will make you say, mmm. So shout out to Caitlin for making this site, Heather. We're looking at it right now. It's thefriendlyshark.squarespace.com. Caitlin made this look incredible and it looks so legit. Yes, it does. What people are saying is really good, how it works. There's a bunch of testimonials for it.

And like a how it works set up. And I'm pretty sure these photos are from listeners that sent us photos of like their own food. First of all, shout out to the Patreon and everybody in that community who helps with this. And Caitlin, this looks so good. So if you're if you're listening, check it out on YouTube just to see this right now. It's very good.

Okay, so I'm embarrassed because I rewatched our call before calling in now, and I was saying, like, we got to be careful, guys. She's really smart. Yeah, so the reveal is your boss is not very smart. She is. You work for a very dumb individual. She goes like this, sounds good, bye. She said, like, this isn't the right website.

She was like, this one's in Nashville. And I guess she closed it. And I said, oh, let me look at it. And then I was like, oh, you just have to scroll down. It was in Orlando. And I kind of had to explain it to her. Like, looks like it's a traveling cooking class. Looks like you missed it. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and she was like, hang on. She was like, this says friendly sharks, question mark. She's like, why would it be called friendly sharks? And you go, honestly, I have no idea. We're seeing the text right now. I'm putting up that screenshot, Heather, where your boss says. Yeah.

It says friendly sharks question mark. And you say, I think that's just the company title. LOL. Your boss says, I don't think that is the right website. It just says it's in Nashville. And then you say, oh shit, let me take a look. You know, this sums up our show. We put so much effort in and the person goes, what the hell is happening? What is the friendly sharks in Nashville? And then you just go, anyway, nevermind. And she goes, forgot to ask. This was stupid. And you go, all right, it's a victory for the podcast. Yeah.

Well, I sent her one that's in Orlando. What do you mean? Wait, not from the Friendly Sharks. You sent her a different one? Well, afterwards, I sent her like, well, maybe you could go to this one. Wait a second, Heather. You're talking about a whole different website for our cooking class?

No, no, no. So after this, after I sent her this website and we're like, oh, darn, you missed it. Don't worry. You should go to this one. Now I get it. So the one you took was Friendly Sharks. So that's now done. She can't do Friendly Sharks. But you said, hey, do this other one. And she was like, sounds fun. I'm kind of interested. But your problem has been 100% solved. Yes.

I mean, Heather, Heather, without the pauses, this is a massive win for the show. Well, I wanted to point out it was the first pitch. Well, sometimes you hit a home run on the first pitch. You don't need to see seven always.

Yeah. So that I mean, good job. Thank you. Because I couldn't have done this on my own. I am sad the Garf isn't here for this victory. Look at Heather. I'm getting a phone call right now from one Gareth Reynolds. I'm switching your phone. Tell me it's too late. Gareth, we're doing the follow up with the cooking website.

I thought Jake said he couldn't do it. Yeah, he's on. He's doing it right now. We've been texting, Gareth. All right, one second. Okay, he's going to join right now.

Heather, yeah, pretend it went bad. Pretend it went bad. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Heather, you lost your job. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah, but I will say before... This show is insane. You haven't finished perming your hair? You are midway through a perm. So, Garrett, you chasing these new hairstyles, this one's insane. This is not...

What are you? I was just hanging out. No, you are not. You said you couldn't do 430. I know, but then we texted. Kevin kept saying he's got something. So then I said, I'll do an Evergara. I said, you good for five? I said, I'll jump in at five. We can just do some ads. We finished the ads. I didn't get any of those. He said, weird. Then he said, this went on. But just as a heads up, and we can trim this part out. This is Heather from the...

cooking class that she showed her boss and caitlin made a truly great website okay um so it's not on the website so the website and the pitch we've already established was a good move okay but heather the floor is yours

Sorry. It's kind of hard to joke around. That's what I didn't mean anything by that to start. I just wanted Gareth not to come in here and have a tone that he didn't know because his hair is very different. And that threw me. So I apologize. Jake, Jake, Jake, you live in a shanty near a fake locker room with a tackle. Yeah.

Heather, I'm sorry. The website was fine. Like I said, my boss is really smart and

She did kind of see through it. But it's not Caitlin or the patron's fault. It's truly good. No, it's not your fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not your fault. Like, I shouldn't have messed around with this in the first place. I'm the one that kind of chose to lie in the first place. But hold on, Heather. Maybe there's a way that we could pitch, that we could write a letter or do something from our end where we...

Honestly, guys, I think you've done enough. Okay. No. No. Yes, Heather, your performance was excellent. He just sniffed it. But Heather, holy cow, the Academy Award goes to you. Gareth, go ahead. Heather, you were great. Heather, holy cow. Heather, you were great. No doubt you were great. I'm just not going to. No script. No script. You were great. You were great. It's just this show has become jackass.

This is now, nothing is okay. Everything's crazy. How did you know that, Gary? No way, huh? Was it me? Was I too excited?

It would just the situation would just be very. Yes. And it would be very strange to be like, jump on. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Anyway, Heather, tell us about how your life imploded. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I mean, I will say we had a good plan. The year. She was great. She was great. She was great.

I thought her performance was so good and I was all over the place because I wouldn't have been laughing. Yeah. You know what, Jake? Jake, Jake, you were, you really, you could have just, yeah, you should, when I jumped on, you should have been like, I know.

This is what you should have done. Gareth, you look crazy, but I honestly, I wish I could get into that, but we're actually talking to Heather who has a pretty difficult one. Stop really fast. Let's role play. I'm going to come on and you be Jake. Let's run it again. Heather, how do I turn my screen off really fast? I'm going to stop video on the bottom left. Hit end and chat. I'm not even going to do that because I'm going to end up hanging up. I'm going to do this. Okay, great. Nice pink. Okay, ready?

So, Heather and Garrett, you guys are forming the plan? I just don't even know what to say to you in this situation. Oh, hey, Jake. Yeah. Jake, look. So, okay. This is actually really strange that you just jumped on mid-call. Your hair looks fine. It doesn't really bother me that... Okay. Okay.

Go ahead. Can we just focus up here? Yeah, absolutely. So, Heather, you remember Heather Jake? We made the fake website for her because she made up the cooking class for her boss. I'm sorry to interrupt. It's like every word out of your fucking mouth stabs me in the heart a little more. I know. I know. We're not going to air this. We're not going to use this. I mean, we just really want to say sorry. Okay.

I mean, yeah. Sorry, he's not going to pay my rent, but sure. Well, how about this? How about this? What we can do is we can, and Jake, I'll bring you up to date after this, but what we can do is... I have Venmo. No, no, hold on. What we can do is after the show, like, we can easily start a GoFundMe for you. I honestly will give you my part of the Patreon. We've been working our asses off on that. I bet Jake would, too. You know, we could just definitely, like, try to set you up. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, I know Jake doesn't care about that. I call bullshit. I call bullshit. Basically. What? What?

Because you did a very good job. Jake, you should clip this and be like, next time on, we're here to help. Are you like the third member of this? She's good. Heather's going to take me out of a job. Heather, you might have just turned into another Connor. We might have to bring you on for a call at some point. We really should. Yes.

This is because your acting is really good. You know what we could really do is bring Heather in if we ever need like a ringer. We're doing something coming in. So that time, I love that you made an acting choice. You decided to get nasty with it. You didn't repeat. It was very good. Gareth, you were great too. I think what we learned is I screwed up the first one. I got excited seeing you, Garf. We did the ads without you. Shark was great. Shark was great. I can only imagine the amount of shrapnel I took on the ads. Did you do an intro without me?

uh we yeah we did gareth we didn't mention you okay all right well that hurts too honestly uh heather i did the intro so wait what happened what is the actual update i have a real i have the update it went great it worked well jesus big win for us okay let's do something funny let's do something funny we just have been so this this call's over gareth it's a big win we won big what if we stop right now and do an intro for this episode and heather's in the intro

Please, I will pass away. Okay, so everybody, so this will then be the end of this episode and we can leave this in so that when they have heard it all. So everybody, thanks for listening to this fun episode and then get ready because you've already heard the intro. Goodbye, everybody. Okay.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.