104: The Grabstitution With Matt Walsh (Veep, Upright Citizens Brigade)
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And we are b-b-back. Back? Yes, Jake and Gareth and...

Jake's not here for the intro. Where's dad? It feels like that. You know what it feels like? You ever see Wayne's World? Of course. It feels like when Garth had to host when Wayne left. And my name's very close. Yeah, yeah, like, okay. That's what it feels like. No, Jake is on vacation. Jake-ation? We could call it that. I wonder if he calls it that. If he doesn't, he's gonna start. He's gonna hear this and he's gonna hate that part.

but it's you and me, Shark. - We're doing it. - And you're in a cutoff Miller Lite tie dye shirt, which is what's going on with you? - I think I'm gonna start doing a new thing where any shirt that is a tiny bit too small, we're losing the sleeves. - Now, why are they getting smaller because you're yoking up so much?

I don't know. Maybe it could be anything. Keep in mind, you are a podcast producer. You should not be this. You really should. Pardon my French. Don't get too jacked. The jacked podcast producer stereotype. Yeah, it's not great.

I did cut the sleeves. No, I bought a Miller Lite tie-dye t-shirt on Etsy, and it was a little snug when I bought it, so we lost the sleeves. We lost the sleeves. We lost the sleeves collectively. It's the nice thing about some Zoom recordings is you can put on your comfy clothes. I'm not rocking this headgear. I just don't know if we could keep calling you Shark with this look because people are going to think that you just left the slammer like three days ago.

It's like pool shark now. Yes, yes. Yeah, no. Hey, shark, grab me a beer. So I just. What are you up to? Okay, so I just drove back fully overnight from Fort Collins. How long is that?

That's about a 15, 16 hour one. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's not normal what I'm doing to my body, but I do it for the people. Did you do it straight from the show? I left right after the show, which is fully crazy. That's hardcore, man. It's nuts. But I'm home, and we're doing this, and that's what matters. And, um...

A couple of things are so great. One thing is that I get these like real. I not only get the people who go, I'm the person like I get that. I get people on my show like this woman came up to me and she's like, I'm Heather. And I'm like, which Heather? She goes, Grandma, hip thrust, Heather. And I go, oh, my God. And I go, is there an update? She goes, there's about to be. So we need an update. You guys got to do it. And I was like, amazing.

Was Heather the alias or is that the real name? Alias. That's so funny. People introducing themselves to you as an alias. She goes, well, they come up in the air quote, I'm Heather. And I go, yeah, yeah. And that, but then they'll go like, my real name's Lucy. You know, they do that too. And I go, oh, okay. We're connected. Um,

Wow. I get that. So cool. But I also get a lot of like I emailed the show and I never heard from Kevin. I mentioned that before. And then so and then sometimes I have to be like, well, what is it? And they'll tell me and I'll go, oh, that's pretty good. Or I have to fake it and go, oh, what's wrong with Kevin? What's with shark should be hitting you up for this. I lost my glove. Yeah. Well, this one woman was like, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like.

My nephew keeps fondling my sister's boobs at dinner. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, yeah, I was like, I don't know if we can really. I was like, that's I was like, what are we going to say? I don't know. Meanwhile, Jake's going to hear this and be like, we got to solve. Yeah. Parmesan the tits. Is she free tomorrow? Parmesan the tits.

I can't look at Parmesan the same. Well, listen, it's really I got that. I'm open for the spot. I want Kraft to come on board and sponsor the show. That would be incredible. I have to ask how come if we can get a big Parmesan starting to advertise. I won. It's just we're really pushing the bounds of what advertisers would want. But OK, but I was going to talk about other stuff, but this feels like a solid intro. Do you want more?

I really want to hear the other thing. Okay, all right, okay. If you don't mind. I'm going to get into it very quickly. Okay. Yeah. So I'm starting to do this thing where I'm kind of front-loading or...

Backloading? That sounds horrible. But when I go on the road, like do a couple different things. Like, so I went and had dinner with this family in Fort Collins and like filmed it like an Anthony board. It's absolutely insane. But the other thing I did was I went to the Pioneer League baseball game of the Northern Colorado Owls.

And so it's like a smaller baseball team. Is this triple A? What is this? Nice. I like that. There's a bunch of A's in it. I don't know. Yeah. Let's just say yeah. And OK, so they let me do whatever I wanted. Like they didn't have a mascot. So my buddies and I came up with the mascot Owl Pacino. So I dressed up like Scarface right around the crowd with a bubble gun. All this stuff.

And so it's going to be this great video and all this stuff. But one of the things they let me do, which I could not believe was they were like, they let me sing the national anthem. Now,

That is wild. It's wild. And I've never sang the National Anthem for great reasons, among them being like, I'm not really a great singer. And you really want to. But then that woman a few weeks ago, remember that woman like saying the National Anthem? Oh, yeah. And then like the next day, she's like, I have a drinking problem. Yeah. I might be playing that card when I put this out. I might like the day after. Do the same post. Yeah. Be like, I'm going to rehab. But I.

I just was like, I know the national anthem. I was like, I don't need to like sit there and... I mean, I sang it a couple times. I really was trying. I was trying. Oh, God. Yeah. I just...

I have a question, and I'm genuinely asking. I'm not trying to be mean. Yeah. Did anyone laugh? I don't know, because... Well, first of all, they tell you to put in earplugs, because they're like, there's the echo. The echo, yeah. And I was like, I can't... I just... I really, with very little prep, all of a sudden it was happening. I put in the earplugs, I go out there, and I just let her rip. Cool. Now...

I was like very confident, but then like halfway through it, I was sort of like, what's the next? Oh no. But I was getting it. Yeah. Yeah. But there was like one moment where I was like, I don't remember what it was. I wouldn't say I tried to take a comedic swing, but I just tried to make it sound like singery, you know? It's like,

A little Buble? A little like I repeated the, you know what I mean? I like self-echoed or something like that. Yeah, I was just like, the burst in an air. Like I did one of those, like something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All in good fun. A little flair. A little flair. Finished. Again, the reaction is what the reaction should be when I sing the national anthem that everyone's pretty much like, glad that ended. We got what we paid for. That's why we're AAA, if we are that. So I'm doing a bunch of stuff around there. But as I finish the anthem, I hear one guy just go, you hate America. And I was like, what? It was just like an errant voice. And I was kind of like, what the hell?

And it was this player on the other team and he was kind of smiling. So I was like, oh, whatever, you know. But then I was the first base coach at another time. And he goes, thanks for shitting all over the flag. And I was like, what?

And and he kind of kept going. And I was like, how serious is he? So instead of throwing out the first pitch, I said I wanted to throw out the last pitch again. Super. Wow. Yeah, it's it's Gareth's world and we're all just living in it. They again, for some reason, said yes. So the last like in the ninth inning, you know, no, it would be. I really if they were up, I was going to ask to throw out the like.

last pitch. But no, it was after the game ended. So all the players are shaking hands. Sure, that makes more sense. And then they bring out a catcher or whatever, and then I'm going to throw it. And the guy's shaking hands, and he just started... And I'm saying... Before I throw the pitch, I'm thanking everyone and being like, thanks so much and all this stuff. And he just keeps going like...

You hate America and stuff like that. My friends who were filming it were like, it broke you. Because I just go, I assure you, it is a talent issue. This man keeps saying I hate America. I assure you, it's a talent issue. Oh my God. And then they left the field. That is crazy. Yeah, I was on the mound defending. I was like, I have issues with it. I was like, there are some major problems, no doubt.

But I love it. Would you do it again? I would do it again. What I would do this time is I would take a singing lesson. Smart. That's cool. I would have someone train me on how to do it. And I would want that guy to be at the game. God, we should...

You know, my brain is going. What? You want to reach out to him? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Have a singing. I'm sure there's a singing teacher who listens to the show who could give you a lesson and then we could do like a trial run. Well, how about this? I plan on going back. Great. I would love to do it again. And maybe we do a lead up prep. Yeah. And we could put like the prep part, maybe like a cut of it on Patreon and I can use. Perfect.

I can use part of it for my own stupid YouTubes. But you know what else is not as stupid YouTubes is this show. We have a great episode. We have Matt Walsh, right? Yes, Matt Walsh from the hilarious show Veep on HBO Max that you've probably seen. Co-founder of the Upright Citizens Brigade, like an iconic improv theater. And he's in a new movie with Nick Jonas out right now called The Good Half.

And he also, he's one of those guys too, is like there are definitely things you're like, you know the name Matt Walsh from, but he's been in so much stuff. It's wild. He is like a journeyman. He is hilarious. He's great on the show.

And like Kevin said, I mean, if you have not seen Matt Walsh perform in UCB, like they used to have a TV show called Upright Citizens. And Matt, I have the DVD, Amy Poehler. Matt Walsh is so goddamn funny. So it's great to have him on. And and I think you're really going to like this episode because we love America here. And without further. Oh, no. Thanks, Gareth. I appreciate that. Thanks, Shark.

Matt Walsh, what a great guest. I'm excited to have him for this episode. Check out that view of the Brooklyn Bridge. Beautiful Manhattan. I'm a shark. You're a shark. Enjoy the show. Howdy. Howdy there. Howdy? Are you saying howdy because you're from the South or are you just a weirdo?

Just a weirdo, yeah. No, I'm calling from Texas. Okay, well, why don't you tell us your name? Yeah, tell us your name, age, and where you're calling from, please. My name is Mikey. I'm 30 years old, and I'm calling from Austin, Texas. Mikey, you're allowed to do a howdy. Listen, Mikey, we got a good one. You got Jake, you got me. You also have our guest helper, who we're a big fan of. The great Matt Walsh is in the studio joining us. Yeah. Yeah.

So I have a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Northern Illinois University. So I have some pedigree with, you

You know, the mind. Very helpful. I studied the mind. That's where producer Kevin went to. I'm going to be putting it to the test. Okay. And Matt said mind so many times that I'm a little concerned he doesn't have a grasp on it. I'll be honest with you. Well, the human mind. All right, Matt. The brain has two hemispheres. In the front, I think, is the cerebral. What do you mean you think? And then the spine connects to the neurons. Yeah, yeah. No, it's going to be great. Okay, so Mikey, why don't you tell us what your problem is?

Okay, so I am on a recreational co-ed kickball team. And I want to start off the bat, I love this team and I know that I am the problem in this situation. So I'm just putting that out there. So we are a really good team. I've been on this team for about four seasons or so. The last two seasons we've been undefeated. I've worked my way into a captain's position on the team. And we're doing really great. Our championship is this Sunday. The issue is the

This team, I love hanging out with them off the field. As soon as we get on the field, the monsters come out. Our team name is no mercy, which is kind of indicative of how the team plays. And it's, it's brutal out there. You know, there's a lot of arguing with the rest, arguing with the teams. You know, there's been times I thought there might be like an actual fight that breaks out. And I,

And I'm kind of on the opposite side of the spectrum. I'm trying to bring a calming presence. I'm trying to make sure that both teams are having fun out there. I'm cheering for the other team. It just has not been a win for my team. They're not stoked on it. They've said multiple times, like, you're on the wrong team, jokingly, lovingly. But it's true. I can feel that I'm not on the right team. I just want to know what should I do. Awesome.

Okay. Interesting call. Yeah. So you feel like you're on a team of killers and you're kind of a peaceful guy on that team. They give you shit about it. And your question is basically, what should you do to make that as comfortable as possibly of your championship coming up in less than a week? How good are you as a player?

I'd say pretty darn good, maybe top three or four on the team. And what makes a good kickball player, I guess I would ask? What's the skill set that makes an upper-tier kickball player?

I play shortstop, so it's a pretty active position. I'm making a lot of catches. Soccer ball size ball? I get on the base pretty regularly. I want to say blam ball. It's actually pretty large. It is. It's like a slightly smaller medicine ball, honestly. Okay. It's rather large in this league. Okay. And I guess the wrinkle in this whole thing is just that I want to maintain friendships with these people. I like them a lot.

I have no qualms with them off the field. It's just on the field we're not a match. Do you feel like off the field when you're hanging there's some tension left from the game that's sort of residual? No, no, I don't feel that at all. I feel like that's dropped as soon as we're off the field. As soon as the games are over, everyone's back to being happy for the most part. You know, we go out to the bar and hang out. I can give you guys an example of a situation. Please, sure.

Okay, so I'm going to say no examples. Is that a first? Is that a first for the show? Yeah, I'm so sorry. I want to go in blind and just have a hot take. Mikey, I think the less we know, the better we can do, if that makes sense. No, I'm kidding. Again, Matt knows the mind. I don't know if you picked up on that earlier. Yeah, what's your astrology sign? Let's go work at it that way. Go ahead, I interrupted. Give us the example.

Okay, so I took over as pitcher one game. That only happens if we're up a ton. We'll switch around positions if we're already up eight, ten runs. And so this game, I was pitching. It was early on in the season. It was this team that we were facing maybe first or second game. And there was an older lady who stepped up to bat. She was maybe

maybe in her 50s, and she got on base. Thank you. That's middle age. She's not that old. That is clinically termed middle age. Hey, buddy, she's on a kickball team. She ain't that old, Jack. Jesus Christ. Go ahead. It's only middle age if she makes it to 100, right? All right, so keep going. Keep going. I think you're mean enough for your team. Yeah. She makes it on base.

The ball goes to me as she's running to second, and she actually, she's running to third, so it's a couple kicks later, she's running to third. She runs out of her shoes, just total face plant. Might be the wind knocked out of her. She goes down hard. Ball's in my hands. My team starts yelling, tag her out, tag her out, tag her out. And I'm like, I cannot. I cannot tag her out. I turn around and I look the other direction. I tell, I can't, guys. There's no way I'm making that play. And then

And then after that inning, I had to sit down with them and be like, hey, guys, if you ever want that play to be made, I cannot be in a position to make that play. I will never make that play or up 10 runs. The lady might ever win knocked out. I'm never tagging out. She's the oldest person on the field. I'm not doing it. Would you have tagged her out if it was a tied game?

Yeah, I probably would have. Because it mattered. But here's where we're kind of getting. You are competitive. You are good. You want to win. But you don't need to dominate and be ruthless to teams you're beating. Is that correct? Because there's an easy solution, and that's quit your team. Too many teams have came in and never came back for a second season. You know, we beat them by 15 runs. You destroy their will to keep playing. They're defeated. I want to see the other team have fun as well. You break their will.

Well, okay. This is interesting. It is interesting. I mean, like, I don't think we can say to you, at least, I mean, I don't know the mind like Matt, but I would say that I don't think we can be like- I think you're schizophrenic. My unprofessional opinion. Jesus Christ, Matt. Woody, my psychiatrist. I've had this chat.

I was just trying to tell you about my childhood. Yeah. Stop diagnosing me. Behavior patterns. We do think. Okay. So I got something, Mikey, that I don't have a finish on. But in hearing you talk, Matt, I was reminded of recently I took my kids to the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Globetrotters. And I saw you there.

Did we say hi? No, we were in different... You were wearing a General's jersey. I love the Generals. Right? I love the Generals. So you were with your... He was cheering on... I rock the Generals jersey all the time. He was cheering on the Generals. Yes. And talking trash. That is a...

Top five real life bits. Yes. Well, isn't it great? That's amazing. But I just thought I had that memory of all of a sudden I was sitting there and we were all, and I had never been to the Globe Trotters. So I was kind of tripping out of like, this has been around for a hundred years. Yeah. Then I looked over and I saw you and I think your kids and there was like a bunch of,

People, you guys were all wearing generals and like standing up and cheering for a basket. That's so funny. So there is a world what you could do, Mikey, where you tap into that and you start cheering for the other team. If your team gets too competitive, you start, quote unquote, throwing the game. So if you're up by 10, the ball comes to you. Take it and kick it out of bounds.

Yes. And your team goes, what are you, but you're making it fun and you go like this, what are you doing? And then the other team laughs and they go, when they're up to bat and one of your goals goes like, let's go. You go like this. Come on, badda, badda, badda. You're better than us. Hit it towards us. Hit it towards short. Badda, badda, badda. Let's get three runs on the board. Yeah. And your team goes, what are you doing? And you go, I'm cheering for the fucking generals because we're the bad guys. Yeah. And then you leave, when it gets close, you go like, we got a two-run game. Now we're coming back.

I think the pitch... And you allow them to have fun. You give high fives to them when they're on second base. When they hit it, you go like, now that's a hit. If that woman, if she's up there, you go, you got this pitcher. You talk trash. You go, our pitcher's got nothing. He's got no left hand. He's got no left hand. Yeah. Be a good cop on the bad cops. Yes. You start becoming...

their biggest cheerleader and you're like in the middle of the globetrotters game there'd be a fast break and then all of a sudden the guy would stop dribbling and going between his legs and i'd be like this is madness and then they would like build it up then there'd be like somebody who jumps through someone's legs and i'm like i was never i didn't watch it a lot yeah growing up so i'm like that's so interesting i knew of it i like i always knew of it but i'm like

in watching a full game being at staples center yeah where i'm like i'm in a big arena yeah they've rented this out yeah what are you guys doing man yeah i love it i love the globetrotters yes but i think it is at some point your point really hit me about like you don't want to drive other teams away yeah whatever's a safe lead five runs four runs eight runs start exactly for the other team giving your team a hard time when you're yes when your batter's up go like hey it's

and make it fun. And I guess give your team a heads up that this is coming. So you don't throw it on them in the middle of a game. Well, what do you think about that, Mikey? And then I would ask, are we unveiling that in the championship game? But how do you feel about it? No, because that's going to be a competitive game. Okay, so what do you think of that as advice, Mikey?

So the issue is I'm kind of playing that out to an extent already. I definitely could up it. But that is when the issues really come out. That's when the comments are coming out of like, oh, you're on the wrong team is when I'm saying like, hey, guys, we're up 10 runs. Let's stop stealing bases. You know, get your singles. Maybe maybe start popping them up there. Let them get some catches. That's that's when they really start to go. You're on the wrong team. You know, chill out. Well, yeah. Maybe form another team.

and go against this team. If you're a top three player,

You can recruit some people, and in every great 80s sports movie, you guys just don't have a true rival. But you have to leave the Karate Academy in order to beat the Karate Academy. Ooh. So right now. But right now you're going, I'm on the bad team, but unfortunately we're the best team. But I'm the third best player. The sixth best player is with me, and I can recruit some people, and we're going to beat these motherfuckers. Because you're not having fun in those scenarios where they're just –

murdering people you're not having fun and at some point it has to be fun yeah I think that would be a way for you to get more fun out of it would be to be like try to beat them and because of your attitude if it doesn't work who gives a shit right and what's the name of the team you're on again the Monsters

No mercy. No mercy. Your team is called We Have Mercy. Some mercy. Some mercy. Yeah, and I think, reminder what Jake said, it's kickball. It's kickball. It's kickball. It's a kickball league. But you can beat them, Mikey. I think you might have to beat them at their own game, and then when you beat them, your team is still having fun. So it's almost like you become the Washington Generals, but win. What do you think of that? I have a pitch that might precede that, but what do you think of that?

I like it. I might deduct them. I got to go find like a kid playing soccer in a field. Be careful with that. But that's right. But if you could start building this team, you could poach some players from No Mercy because I'm sure you're not the only one.

That's a very good point. You're liked on that team. I'm sure many players like you. Somebody else thinks Troy sucks. You know what I would do? If you're going to go in that direction during the championship game, some of the players that you might have your eye on, give them an extra shout-out during the game. Give them something to kind of grease the wheels, and then after, exchange some information and get ready for next year for your comeback. Or just even sneak right. If you guys win the championship team, the team you beat, ask if you can join them.

Because then you're joining a real... Yeah, I have had some offers, actually. I think... Like some other teammates, they've already picked up my name. They say hi to me when I come along. I think this is the move. You can't change the culture of no mercy. Yeah. But what you can do is break their back. Especially if you're going into one more game, right? The season's over. Yeah.

Yeah, you're not going to change it. And then at the end of the game, take your jersey off and leave it on the field. Yeah. Well, wear an undershirt. My experience with leagues is the people who are most competitive are often the worst players on the team. Yeah, that's true. They're telling you about your mistakes. It's like, dude, you suck. Yeah, yeah, chill out. Chill out. Yeah. So why don't you do that? Would you be open to calling your team if you do switch teams something like Some Mercy?

Like a direct troll? Yeah, for sure. For sure, I like it. Why not do that? Next year, why don't you start that? When does the new season start? In like a couple weeks. What the fuck? You're a year long? So much of an off season. So, Mikey, let's do this, actually. Yeah, they have like two weeks off. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to be part of the team. We are going to be part of the team.

We are part of the Some Mercy team. Anybody coming on, they can call on us. We can help you create a website for the team. You guys have a good vibe. You have a good spirit. We could also, if we wanted, make a... This just become a Squarespace app? Everything becomes a Squarespace app. And if you are feeling sick, man, go to ZocDoc where you can find your doctor. Yeah. And by the way, until you get that appointment, use Kleenex for any of your ailments. You're going to be fine.

What we could also do is make a quick recruitment video if we wanted to. Oh, for people joining the new team? For Mikey, if he wants to send it as a link, as an option, or we could just walk through a practice. Mikey, what do you want to do if you're going to ask people to join our team? Or join another team, right? What's that? Or he's going to step into another team. Yes. Would you rather step into another team? Because that's less legwork. It is. Or form your own team. What are you feeling?

The third option is this, is there's a Monday night league and I could switch to the Monday night league instead of being in the Sunday night league with everyone. I could switch over and not have to worry about, you know, playing against people. It doesn't like that. Mikey, you got, you got, you got an antagonist. Let's beat him with some. Okay. It's good for the game. I think it's good for the fans too. The fans are going to love this. It's good for the league. It's good for the league. You know what you should do on your team? You should, that 50 year old lady who fell down, go want to join. Well,

Okay, I don't disagree. Let's not make that your top free agent. Hey, Gladys. Don't waste a first-round pick on her. Hey, Gladys with the Skechers. Get her an undrafted free agent. And honestly, you could lock her in after the draft. She'll still be on the table. Let's not worry too much about it. Okay, you're right. I got excited.

I had an idea that Mikey was like so much better than everybody. He could do it alone. All right, Gladys, you ready? So, Mikey, we've given you some pitches, some options. What do you think you're going to do? Where are you at?

Yeah, I like the idea of joining another team because I see the mistakes that other teams make, and I've been on a good enough team. They've helped bring me along to the point where I could go in and captain another team to victory. There we go. I think I could pull a mutiny and bring another team to victory with the things that they have taught me and just the holes I see in their game plans and patch it up because I've faced them. I know the enemy. I could...

become the enemy. So that's your pitch? If I was on a team and I was the captain and someone said that to me from the champion,

I would say you're on. Yeah. You're with us. You're a good guy. You want to have fun, and you can help us beat no mercy. I would like that. Yeah, and what's behind this is you are a super competitive person. Exactly. I can hear it. Yes. But you just want to have fun and be classy, which is perfect. This is a perfect good guy in a sports community. Like Derek Jeter. Think Derek Jeter, guys. That guy was class act. Yes. So after- Yeah, people call me Derek Jeter all the time. That's cool. Is that real? No. No chance. No, no, not at all.

I mean, the Derek Jeter of kickball. They call me Derek Jeter. He's a shortstop, isn't he? He is a shortstop. So, Mikey, do this for us. Will you follow up with us after the championship? We don't have to hear you guys won. We're sure you're going to win. But will you follow up after you start the process of the new team? Yeah.

And see what we could do with this team? And I'd start with 10 milligrams of Lexapro twice a day. I'm not a psychiatrist. Seems crazy to prescribe something, doesn't it? That's a jump. Is it a jump? Okay. Never mind. Yeah, that's a great idea. I do have a degree in psychology. All right. Or don't. I mean, maybe get a little Lexa. I don't know. Either way. Take the initial vice. I can't write the script. I'm just giving advice. Then I don't think you can get it. I don't think you can get it without that. Never mind, Mike. All right, Mike. You will let us know. Okay, bud.

Perfect. Love you guys. Thank you. All right. We love you, man. All right. We are brought to you by BlueNile.com. We love Blue Nile. The road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories, or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is a straightforward path every time. All you've got to do is head over to BlueNile.com. Kevin, you just recently got married. Do you have an engagement? I did.

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Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you guys? Great. Welcome to the show. You're on with Jake Gareth and we have a guest helper. We have the great Matt Walsh joining us today. Hi there. And Matt brings a bit of a psychological. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree, not science, in psychology. Yeah. From Northern Illinois. I have a bit of a pedigree above these gentlemen. Yes. Totally. We respect you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being here. For matters of the mind.

Turn this way. We've been humbled in the first call, and we expect it in this one. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yes. So my name is Ellie. I am 23 years old, and I'm calling from Grand Rapids, Michigan. A lot of Michigan lately. Yeah. And what's going on? What can we help you with? Yeah, for sure. So a little bit of background. So I just graduated this spring, and I got a fun summer internship with this balloon decor company. So like...

Hold on, Ellie, what's the upside of that internship? Well, so that's the thing. Okay. So it's just one lady, the lady who started it, and she brought me in to organize her entire business for her, basically. Yeah, sounds like an internship. Yeah. We're doing a lot, so I'm part of every single aspect of her company, which leads to my issue. Yeah.

So I logged into her Instagram account to try to help with some social media and talk to some people.

And it was like two minutes later that I started to get these notifications. And it was DMs from these crazy accounts. And I don't even know how to explain it really. Because I think we all know there's like sex bots on Instagram. But this was so much worse. And I sent Kevin some screenshots. I heard an airdrop sound. So it made me think. And Allie, walk us through. So.

You're on the company's Instagram. Trying to help. And you get DMs from a...

I didn't know about sex bots. You never get involved in like sometimes you'll just all of a sudden it'll be like. In your DMs? Yeah, it'll be like a group chat. I've gotten that once or twice. Something's in your feed and it's like, whoa, what is. Yeah, I've gotten that. Okay, but yeah, I have not gotten a DM from a sex bot. I've gotten a DM that is like a group chat almost. And you're like, what? And it's like a nasty spam link and you got to leave the chat.

Oh, weird. I never got that. I mean, I send them. I get them. I do it all. For YouTube, we cannot show these screenshots, but maybe you could see the guy's reaction. You will assume what they look like. Oh, crikey. Okay. Oh, my Lord. This is just full on. These are in the DM. Oh.

Okay. Just play the whole thing. Jesus Christ, Kevin. Don't close the window. We're just figuring out the problem. Especially the second one. Hey, Kevin, go back to the second one so we can figure out what we're trying to help with. Just send that to me. Fuck. Go full screen. So you're getting these sent to you.

From the company. Okay, go on. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is I'm helping her organize her business so she can grow her business. So she is going to soon hire someone like a permanent person who can be doing her social media. So I need to address this issue with her somehow. So I want to just be clear on this because I'm not great with all this technology. So

The thing is, she's just getting spammed by porn. Yeah. Does that mean she's done something? Yeah, does that mean she left her cookies somewhere on a porn site? I have a very long, weird email, and the reason is because I used to do all the gambling sites back in 2003, 2004 when it started, and I was getting hacked at a level that was every two weeks, everyone in my contact would be like, it happened again, man.

And I was like, and I thought like, I think it's happening to everyone. And there was finally somebody goes, idiot, what sites are you on? And I'm like, some weird site I can play blackjack at four in the morning for real money. And they were like, yeah, they're stealing your info. So is this part of what she's doing?

I don't know. I don't think so. Because Matt and I haven't, and it's happened to you, Gareth. It has happened to me. It has never come into my DMs, but I did get one on my feed like three weeks ago, and it was the first time. I'm like, that is not appropriate. I'll get it on my feed too. Oh, I don't get that. What are you guys doing? Fucking weirdos. Stop it. Perverts. How old is this woman again?

She is 31. I mean, she's in the world of porn, but also is your concern. You can't just put it plainly to her that this came up in your DMs because you're not accusing her of anything. Well, that's what I mean. If it's spam, it's spam. If it's we know you were looking at this shit and it's coming back to haunt you. And I want to clear this conscious before I move on. Or is it you're afraid the next person is going to think it's you? Yeah.

Yes. Since it's a business, she set it up where there's like an automated reply when someone like messages her. So it's like, we'll get back to you in like 48 hours. So I'm not sure if that's why it's gotten so bad that it's so consistent because they are actually getting replies from her. How often? Have you ever perved out on her Instagram and be honest? No. Okay.

Guess what? Ask me that same question. No, you went like this. No, definitely not. What were you thinking about? I was confused by your question. I was too. Okay, fair enough. I was too. Okay, fair enough then. Never mind. I mean, I don't know. I would say the best thing to do- By the way, Gareth wasn't. Look at his hair. Of course he perms out on Instagram. You two have a short head. No, look at his look. That's a guy-

I send him. That guy pervs. He's too manicured. He doesn't hurt people. That's a good person, but he's really creepy online. Yeah.

alter ego I'm sending those that's the look I would say the advice is pretty I would just pretend to get it in the moment and be like another one of these you keep getting these I think at 31 she's not gonna be like what the fuck is porn I know but she might think it's this intern doing it well then really I don't know then what do you do just leave it so what do you Ellie what are you thinking what do you think the big issue is here

Yeah, I think I need to bring it up to her. We're really close. And so I don't think it'll be an issue. I'm just very nervous about it because I'm just more of a passive person. And it came right out of the blue immediately once I logged into the Instagram and I was like, oh, shoot, I don't know what to do. I've never really seen this before. There were multiple DMs of pornographic material. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

Yeah, there's like three a day at least. Three a day. And is it something, do you get a sense that she's even using the DM function? Like, is it just like this sleeper thing that she's not even checking? No, and that's the thing. I think all of her notifications are on just like they are on my phone. So, like, those messages are coming across. You can read them on my phone. I love that a balloon...

Instagram is getting slammed. If they're getting it, that means everyone's getting it. So she's getting pop-up of porn on her phone. So she can't ignore it. It's weird because my specific fetish is in porn. I love the story.

No, I love the story of when someone is showing someone porny DMs and then they hook up. That's actually my favorite porn scenario. Whose is it? Yeah. So here's what I say you do. Very meta. You said you're not a confrontational person. You feel a little bit awkward. If we made a video for your boss, would you actually send it to her or would you be too shy and not do it? I'd send it to her. You guys want to make a video? What's your boss's name?

Her name is Shantae. Shantae. And you're Ellie? Is that your real name? Yep. So we're basically telling Shantae that her Instagram DMs are getting way too many points and it has nothing to do with Ellie and that this is just an awkward situation. Is that correct? Yes. But there's not a solution for it. Maybe the solution is do less automatic reply-alls. This is just like a more you know. Okay. That's all it is. I just want to give you a heads up. We're just giving a heads up. We're just giving a heads up. Hey, Shantae.

Ellie has asked us to make a brief video to you because she feels awkward about something. Isn't that right? Yeah, this is a heads up about your Instagram account, specifically the DM function. It may as well be called an Insta spam because what's going on in your DMs is a lot and Ellie's noticed. But Ellie hasn't done anything wrong. She's done nothing wrong. Nobody's done anything wrong. But I'm going to tell you.

Every time she checks that DM, there's three or four hardcore porn. Porn. And she's, you know, you're eventually going to hire somebody who's going to come in and look. She doesn't want you to look like a weirdo and a pervert. Yeah, and we've seen the screenshots. You've got guys on top. You've got women face down. You're seeing the big genitals. That was one of them.

that you really focused on. - Yeah. - There was also women on top. - There was women on top, yeah. - But you brought up exclusively, you're like, women's faces are down. - Yeah, women had their faces shoved down in some of them. - Stop talking like your hair looks. - Yeah, I know, I'm just saying. - Be yourself. - Yeah, yeah, no, honestly like. - Be yourself. - Yeah, and it's fine. We're saying it's fine. - We're sex positive. - We are very positive.

We support that industry and anyone's- No, you're changing what we're- Yeah, I'm not supporting that industry. Hold on. I don't endorse it. No, we all have logins. A lot of those women are not willfully there, totally. Some of the guys might not be. And the guys, too. So here's what I'm going to say. Here's what we- I support the guys. Are going to say, and then, of course, you support the guys. You better back off that. Okay, all right. Anyway, Shante, go ahead. Go ahead. We're getting off topic.

So here's where we're at. Just be really careful because these spams are sending it and it might be because you have an automated reply that's creating more. So possibly turn that off and see, but just be careful because it could eventually go into your main feed and that'd be really bad for your awesome business. You're our favorite balloons.

So this is just a heads up to you from us and from Ellie that you're getting spam too much. So let's figure out how to get out of there. And it's a heads up on like some of the positions we saw in some of the spam. Some of those people had their heads shoved. Yeah, that was really good. I think it was a short, concise. Yeah, I think it stayed focused on the email. Yes. So to point. So, Ellie, are you going to send that? Yes, I think so. I think so. What is stopping you?

The whole thing's just awkward to me. Why'd you call us? Call you, young lady. You called us. This fucking show isn't. We're calling random people and asking them to do stuff and they don't sure they want to do it. You call for a solution. We're giving a fucking solution. Yeah, we didn't just message you out of nowhere without your will. So what if it's not this? What do you want to do then?

Because you don't want to just talk to her. You don't want to email her. It's going to be great. Will you actually send it? Yes, I will. All right. Okay.

And then we're going to get it to you. We want a follow-up. And if things go sideways, if things go whatever, reach back out. Yeah. Things go face down, let us know. Because we are going to be on your team here. The problem with this problem is it's not really a big problem. But we want to help you. Yeah, I think you're just uncomfortable with it and you're avoiding it. So at the very least, if you send this email, the conversation started. Yep. And hopefully ends. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I just needed your support. Well, you have it. So now, Ellie, I've done the rant at you. But now for real, we've given you a lot of options. One of them is just talk to her. One of them is email. One of them is blow it off. This isn't your problem. One of them is we sent you a video. What are you actually going to do? Forget I yelled at you. Whatever you do is right. This is your reality.

So I think I'm going to talk to her and then show her the video of when we're together because I think it's really funny. And then we'll brainstorm a solution after that. I think that's actually perfect. Right. Because then the video is a fun thing you guys have together. Yeah. You got over it. You talked to her. I think you're going to win here.

And as an amateur psychologist, I would say start a dream journal and make an amends to your mother. Wow. We didn't even get into that, but that's so great. That's my hunch. And it's probably all your dad's fault. And your dad is a bigger issue. But don't even touch it. Start with the mom. Baby steps. Allie, but I think talking to her and then doing the video together as a bit is great. Yeah, I think so too. I think you got a great plan. Thanks for the call. Go for it. Thank you so much, guys. See you, bye.

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Hello. Hi, welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Joe. We're here, don't you worry about it. You called me Joe? Yeah, huh? You called me Joe? No, yeah, Joe. You're on with Gareth and Joe. We're excited. Jake left. Joe's here today. Hey, don't. Yeah, Joe's a bit of a trash guy. We are, what is your name, where you come from, and how old are you, roughly?

Hi, my name is Becky. I live in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and I am 42. Great, Becky. And what is going on? So my husband last week got in the mail a grabber thing. So it's one of those things that has the little trigger handle, you know, with the thumb. Grabber, yeah. Yeah, and he has become...

I mean, he uses it for everything now. It's become an absolute problem. I will be sitting on the couch and he'll be eating some pretzels and he'll take it and he'll grab pretzels out of my bag. I don't know what this thing has been. Yeah, yeah. So he loves it.

For anyone who isn't sure, it's like an arm extension and it has a little claw at the end that you control with your hand. So he can reach things that are far away. Your hand is a far better way to eat pretzels. But he's enjoying the novelty of this weird claw extension and overusing it. Why did he initially get it? We have a camper. And in the camper, we have two bunks and they sit.

they're really far back in the month we only it's only the two of us and our dogs that go so we use the bunks for storage and so it is hard to reach things back in the corner so we ordered one on amazon so it came in a two pack so we have one that's in the camper legit reasons for having it in there but then of course then there's the second one and he has just become a monster with that one and um

you know, I'm taking a shower and all of a sudden it's grabbing my foot. I'm in my office. We both work from home too. Oh yeah. We both work from home and he'll come into my office and just start fucking with my mouth with it. And yeah,

He's excited about the grabber. He loves the grabber. It's like when someone's learning guitar, it's like when you're learning guitar, you think it's fun for you to do in front of others, but everyone around you is like, stop. Hey, man, this is a very casual dinner party, my man. Yeah. Put that guitar down. You are declaring war on regular life. Hey, do you guys mind if I just... I'm trying to figure out back in black. You want to be here for that nightmare process? Even if you figured it out. Yeah, truly. Guess what? Truly. I've got Spotify.

I truly, I'd rather listen to a professional players than you. Yes. And then the worst is when somebody goes like this, Hey, do that again. La la la la. Oh my Lord. Now we're singing. And, and then somebody goes, I don't have drums, but I got this. Uh,

That happened a lot in the early 20s. Yes. Everybody's a fucking musician. No, there's guitarists watching. The shiver that would go through my spine when someone would reach behind a couch and pull out a guitar while you're watching football and you'd be like, these are not going to combine well. The amount of nights of my life when you're around like eight dudes, no women, just eight dudes. Everyone's drinking, smoking weed and then somebody just starts banging on something and then somebody starts singing and I'm like, we're not a

This isn't how this works. I don't know what you're watching. We're similar on that. Oh, completely. And I would do things where I would be like, hey, that's a nightmare for everyone who's not you. And people would be like, whoa, dude. Chill out, man. I'm going to drop a bomb and see what happens. Give me a microphone. I'll just set. I need to hurt him for future interactions. This has to stop. I have to clip him now. So, Becky, Kalamazoo 42, and

And so what is the specific question we can help you with? Either how to get him to stop or how to get even with him in some other way. I like even. No, I just annoy him just as much. Yeah. So here, here's a hard thing about this. So he's, he's really happy with this grabber thing. And I hate to, I hate to hate on him for it, but like, I'm a phase guy.

yes there'll be like a new thing i'm like super excited about and i'll burn out yeah but if somebody tells me i can't do it then that's all i want to do yeah right so if you say like yeah cool it's a grabber thing he's like just a cool grabber thing i can grab pretzels i can grab your ankle in the shower so taking it away i feel like could backfire you've got a

You've got, we can go the route of you're going to try to beat him at his game of grabber thing, which is one way. The other is we can declare a silent war where you're not telling him that you've declared war on it. Okay. So my overt gamesmanship version is you order some mittens.

from online and when he's using it you put mittens over it or you get some real good like those asparagus rubber bands and when he's grabbing you take the handle and you rubber band it shut. Yeah.

sabotage sabotage but you do it whenever he's not around or or you do it when he's trying to grab your pretzels you just have a rubber band and you put over it and it's your way of saying like stop here's another way to humiliate this guy which i don't know why we're doing but that's what we're doing there's yeah yes uh just get a longer grabber that's pretty good so one thing about cool like that maybe

He's going to be like, we should bring these into the bedroom. I think he likes it. Ew, gross. Let's bring them into the bedroom. That's coming. Come on, guy. Grow up. You grow up. If he does that as his pitch, he's like, let's both bring these grabbers. Now that's coming. I don't even want to open the door to that possibility. Well, you wouldn't have to. The grabber would. So here's what I'm thinking. Here's what I'm thinking.

A longer grabber, because whenever you like a new toy, you don't want somebody to have a bigger, better new toy. OK, so if he's like, hey, check this out, I can reach for that. And all of a sudden you take one out. And if his is like a 12 footer, you have a 24 footer. They do have the one where you can control each finger on a hand.

Right. I mean, but I also then think they're the grabber hand couple. I agree. The other thing you could do, and this is really dark sabotage. That's what I'm going to buy. Yeah. That's what it feels like. We were starting with the rubber bands when he's not around. You could loosen up the mechanics and break it. I think what you've, I think there is the option of, uh,

Well, here's the thing, though. We have the second one still. But that one stays in the truck. If you say to him, it's because you used it so damn much. Yeah. If you blame it on overuse, then he's going to maybe keep it to... Look, there's the chance that he's going to order five more grabbers. Have you ever considered putting Parmesan cheese all over the floor? If you Parmesan the floor. So, Becky...

What is it? I actually was just listening to that. Just throw a little parmesan on the carpet. All-time great pitch. When old Garfman and the J-Man are a little lost, I don't know what to do on this one. Consider parmesan in the floor? Is that about throwing a little parmesan on your floor? So, Becky. Couldn't wait. Walk me through, just so, what is the big issue with this? Like, if you were saying, in the kitchen, he's grabbing at your ass, and you're like,

you know, I'm like, so he likes this toy, but he's not feeding you the pretzels. He's eating them. But what's the big issue? Well, number one is annoying. Yeah. Okay. You just don't like the way it looks. No, it was just, it was funny the first couple of times, you know, but then it's just like, all right, that's enough now. Number two is it's, um,

contaminating my whole thing of pretzels that I don't know where that grabbing but he's going in the pretzel bowl with this thing and you're like you're ruining the dish Val sanitizing it yeah understood okay we can't take away the annoyance but why don't you get a hand sanitizing spray and when he's grabbing in there spray it down yes

There's also another thing we could do with that is we could make rules for the grabber. I like that. Rooms and rules that you both sign a contract. Yeah, you're allowed. When can you use it? When you're alone, forever. No, not for snacks. But not in a shared snack. If you're by yourself eating a ham sandwich and you want to use the grabber, go for it.

Jesus Christ. If we're eating pretzels together. Imagining this guy sitting there without her around eating a ham sandwich with a grabber is equal parts pathetic and exhilarating. And exhilarating. That's the beginning of AI. Yeah.

But what do you think about creating a document which you both sign and saying, look, if you're having a lot of fun, have fun. The grabstitution. But I just can't see it that much. I think I like this a lot. And I think you could take this to him as a done document. You're willing to negotiate. But there are times when it can be used. Yep.

There are things that cannot be used for snacks, things like that. Anything shared that I'm putting in my mouth. I don't want the grabber. When you're showering, you don't want to be grabbed. Nope. What do you think of that, Becky? I think that that's, I think that's pretty legit idea. I like it. Okay. So with that in mind, if you were to have, this was a bill of rights. Yep.

Right. What are three must haves for you? What is the number one rule that that grabber cannot do? Cannot touch food. No food. Yep. Number two. I have the possibility of having going in my mouth. So no shared food. Right. Number two.

Um, no scaring me with it. Like in the shower. Fair. Great. No scaring me. We're so on your side with these first. Agreed. You haven't said now to the startup. Like I want to take away something he likes. I'm a little bit like Becky. Why? But when you go to no shared food, no scaring me.

He can't grab me with it when I'm showering. Yes. Number three, Becky. Not while I'm working. Not while I'm working. Okay. So me, but meaning what can he grab the remote in the same room as you?

Well, we both have our own offices. So he's not allowed to do it in your office while you're working. You were saying he grabs your mouse and stuff. So what you're basically saying is don't use the grabber to interfere with my work. That's your third one. How about this? Not in my office. That's great. Not in my office. And how about this? I'm also going to pitch on your office door. We put a laminated no grabbers sign. That's good. I like that. So Becky, here's what we got right now.

For the, what did you call it? The grabsitution? Yeah, the grabsitution. Grabsitution, yep. No shared food. No scaring me. Not in my office. I think these are very fair rules. Is there anything else, Becky, that you don't want that little fucking grabber to do? By the way, you got a new nickname. Hey, this is Jake and Little Grabber. Hey, what's going on?

Little grabber. He's a little grabber thing. No scaring me. No share food and not in my office. Little grabber. Don't touch my ankles when I shower again. So Becky Kalamazoo 42, are you going to write this up? These three things and get them to sign it? Absolutely. I'm doing it today. Okay. So do this, do us a favor after you've printed out the document,

Send us a photo of it pre him signing it and then post him signing it. Yep. Absolutely. I can even share. I have to send a video of him finding it. I think that that would be ideal. That'd be great. And maybe do a video of sharing it so he reads it so we could see his response. And if you're cool with us posting that, we will. And we would love to hear a follow-up of life post questions.

Grabstitution. Yeah, but he's going to do this. If he doesn't sign this, he's truly an animal. He's crazy. Then he's crazy. Then he's crazy. Because this, Becky, what you're doing is not taking away his joy. No. You're just making a few rules so it doesn't take away yours. It's like if a kid takes a Tonka truck and is putting it on your body and you're like, go play on the floor. Here are the rules. You can play with your Christmas toys all day. You can't play with your Hot Wheels on my computer while I'm working. No.

So Becky, will you please send us those images and the video of him signing? And this is going to be a big win for you. Yep.

Oh, big win. I agree. Yes, I will 100% do that. Great call. Great solution. Go get them. Go get them. Kevin. What are you thinking, Kevin? I love this show. He's loving it. By the way, I could tell that was what was going to happen. It was just like the way that Jake at the end of the call said, it's going to be a big win for us. We are talking about a guy eating your pretzels with a grabber.

With the level of seriousness. As Biff Whiff would say, who cares? Who cares? All right, Becky, keep us posted. All right, will do. Thanks. All right, thanks. Bye.

Hello. Hi there. Welcome back to the show. We just found out you're a follow-up call. Ooh. I wasn't paying attention. Well, Jake just found out you're a follow-up call after me. I just told him. So you're a follow-up. So why don't you tell us who you are and what the first call was, if that's cool. So this is Becky. And I had called regarding my husband's addiction to his grabber. Yes. Okay.

Then we've got the image of the grabber. Last time we saw it, it's a long, weird thing. We put together a bill of rights. The grabstitution. The grabstitution. And it was only three things, and it was clean. Yep. Oh, you would think. It was a pretty flawless grabstitution, I believe. Uh-oh. One of the founders wouldn't sign it? Nope. What happened? The husband would not sign. Handcock wouldn't sign.

Okay. He did not want to agree to not scaring me. So the three things were he couldn't put it, he couldn't touch anything with it that was going to end up in my mouth. And he agreed to that? Yep, he agreed to that. He agreed that not to use it in my office at all. Okay.

But then when I told him that he could not share me with it, that was non-negotiable to him. Okay, so then what? Because I have a pitch on that, but keep going. So then what happened? So he refused to sign it, and now he's just being stubborn about it, and he has...

scared me since then and I don't know where I do know I do know I do know we have it we you know what you're right we created a monster you you know you do you're turning your house into a fucking horror everything this guy does you're scaring him I got a pitch go ahead okay Jake's Jake's right I I think uh part of me wants to just go let's do a piece of cord but I think we are if he's fighting it like that

Here's my I think scaring him back is good But I think the best way to scare him back is to pretend that him scaring you has done something to you that he can't take back Like a heart attack. Yes, so why don't you why don't you what like I know he scared you in the shower sometimes, right? So that's probably not the best way to do it. Yeah, but something where you fake that you get hurt When he scares you to scare him off of the scaring. Oh, you know, we could also heighten on this. Oh

But we're going down a dangerous path because I'm going to pitch on your pitch. Okay. But my real pitch that I'm going to go back to is you just turn your house into a house of horrors and scare him so much that he goes like, enough. Yes. Every time I walk in a room, you yell like, you know, like he walks in and you go, bow. He does something, you go, bow. So he's like, I'm getting PTSD. You're scaring too much. You're making it not fun. In the middle of the night when he's sleeping, you go right in his ear. Ah!

And turn lights on. That's a pretty good one. Where he goes like, what the fuck's the matter with you? You go, I thought you said we were going to scare you. Well, we're a scaring household. And then he's going to freak out and over scare you. And then you lay down the grab situation again. We live in hell. Yeah. You go, you want to live in hell? We'll live in hell. Or do you want to put your handwriting on here? Or you just sign this and this is over. Okay. But just general vibe. What are you thinking about this?

I like the House of Horrors idea. I like that. So then we need to just start scaring the shit out of him. But I'm talking nonstop.

Do you have... I don't know. What was so great was when we grew up, the sinks where you had the little extra spouty squirty guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you could put like a... I think they're done. Because now you have the option on the actual faucet itself. But stuff like that where you'd put a rubber band around that so whenever someone would turn it on, you should start doing saran wrap in doorways. You should start saran wrapping... But those aren't pranks. We're not doing pranks. We're scaring. Okay. I would say...

you know, a fake rat, a fake snake under his pillow. Uh-huh. I would say literally when every time he, you hear him walking in a room, stand by the door and scream in his face, startle and scare is the same thing. I would say if he's watching TV or if he has had, then go up from behind him and go right in his ear and go like, ah, no,

Oh my God. He'll go like, Hey, fucking stop, dude. And you like this. I thought we had a kind of a scare free zone. What he's going to react to is my guest is he'll go, you want to scare me? I'll scare you. Cause he finds the grabber scares cute and charming and flirty. Yeah. Yes. So now you're going to show him what he, what it feels like to not enjoy someone's cuteness and say like,

I don't find this flirty and charming. I find it scary and annoying. I would also, I think that's great. We're just pitching ideas. I would under your side of the bed one day when he is not there, put a couple towels under there.

and then put some blood, some fake blood that will wash out on it. Leave your side of the bed unfurled. And so when he wakes up, you're nowhere to be found. And there's just a big blood stain where you used to be. There's a big prank. Oh, I like that. When he goes to work one day and leaves stage a break in with a little bit. Here's the thing. We both work from home.

Okay, so what do you think you're what are you thinking? Where are you leaning in with this kind of pitches? We're going because we're both spazzy right now and we could come up with a hundred of them Because this is wheelhouse for us. It's triggering. It's like yeah, we want to hurt him. Let's get him Yeah, you can always hear John. I'm just leave a great note. No dear John. Yeah, great show agreed underrated Yes, we should remake your job. I got but what do you think true?

The idea of the towels with the fake blood, I really liked that one. I feel like I could really play that one up. Here's something you could do subtle. What if you just started leaving towels with fake blood around? And when he asked you, you went like this, nothing, nothing, I don't want to talk about it. And you just created a mystery where he's like, what's going on with my wife? What if you do this? We're talking long, crazy con here.

But just start putting like some blood on paper towel. And when you're watching a movie, just cough into it. And then just like, just be like, it's fine. Yeah. That's interesting. And do that for like four or five days. And then put color dye in the toilet and don't fully flush. And then, and then on the morning, do the bloody bed thing.

And and just lead it all up to that. Whoa. And be like, I've just been trying to scare you. And I'm going to keep trying to fucking scare you like this until you stop scaring me with the goddamn grabber. Or I just think we're going heavy. We are. We're going nuclear. So you go now you talk for a little bit. What are you thinking you're at? I can't believe you said you like the blood on the towel. But where are you at? OK, so what do you want to do here?

Um, I'd want to, I'd want to do the house of horrors thing. I want to scare him. Maybe I'll start out with something a little bit smaller and see how that works. I'm not, maybe I shouldn't go with the big guns right away with fake blood on the towel. So, you know, I think maybe I'll get some, like you said, some fake spiders or something, start hiding those little places for him. Um,

He hates earwigs, which we have earwigs in our basement right now. So I might go and try to do something with those. Easy. Put them all over his office.

Well, why don't you also, if you're going to do fake spiders, why don't you tee it up by saying fake earwigs? Say you did something where you went to the basement, you saw a big spider, you killed it. And I've seen these videos. They're fucking horrifying. And a thousand little spiders ran out of it. That's interesting. So just tee it up by that. Say that as an earwig. Yeah. Say it as an earwig. And you say, hey, we got to figure this out. I just saw, I think, 5000 earwigs in our basement. Yeah. What do you think about just getting one of those grabbers and just constantly grabbing his ass and scaring him?

He'd like it. He's got butt cheeks too. He'd be like great. Yeah, I know. I think he'd like it too much. I think he would be too excited. He'd want to become grabber pals. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Hey, man, maybe it'll be fun. Yeah. I'm going to have my arm replaced with a grabber. He's like, I'm so glad you like this. I've been waiting for this. Let's get rid of our limbs. Yeah. I got a club of people you've got to meet. So have you been on the websites too? No. What websites? Stop talking about it. Grabber? Yeah. Oh. So...

You're going to start scaring and you're going to see what happens. I got to say, I can't believe he didn't sign. It's crazy. You know what? Actually, let's get his ass on this. I was going to say as a as a nuclear option, if this doesn't work, we should call bring him in.

And we can just try to find a piece of would you rather scare him or would you rather have the next call? The three of us and we'll fucking give it to his ass until he brings up an interesting point. And then I'll probably flip flop. That's what I worry about. I worry about it, too.

I wasn't when I first started talking. I mean, you have to be on my side no matter what. I know, but the problem is we are until he starts talking. Yeah, what'll happen is... Garrett will be more consistent. Yes, and what'll happen is Jake will go, I mean, it's harmless. Like, you're gonna be like, God damn it. He's pinching his ass because he loves you. Yeah, yeah.

Be thankful your marriage still has the magic. Let's not bring him on. Well, let's do it after the scare if we think it's the last minute. So will you start doing some scares? Will you take photos of what you're doing so we can have some visuals in these scares? Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to tell you this, and this is a guarantee. This sequence, which might be four or five calls, I don't know, is going to end with him signing that goddamn contract. We're going to get it. Listen, Jake is from a line of closers. Yeah, we're closing. Same with you.

We're closing. We're closing. Okay. And Kevin's from a line of who knows, man. We don't know what Kevin is. He lost 15 pounds in marching band. There's a lot going on. I just like the amount of emails we have from people that are like, you talked to my husband on the phone. All caps. It did not go how I wanted it to. Don't listen to those. This one's going to be different. We appreciate the call. Please film you scaring him. Let's see it. Take the photos. Build it up. We'll get him. Stop. We'll get him. We're going to get him.

Awesome. All right. All right, Becky. Bye. Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is an update from last week's episode. If you remember the call with Em, who was in a different family's group text. Well, this update is from someone who is in that family. Enjoy.

Hey, Pai guys, this is Devin from Arctic Circle Brewing. And I kind of just want to give a little bit more context to the M story and the family group chat. Of course, like you guys seen all the responses, like we were like, obviously, but pretty happy to like welcome her in with open arms because, you know, not everyone probably will respond with the same sort of grace and wish that she did and much to do thanks to you guys.

Yeah, like she voted for the brewery company. She donated to our nephew's fundraiser. So, you know, I do think that it's like a really cool, like misunderstanding. And it'd be great if like we can continue to build a bridge between what is ultimately someone that is a stranger. But she knows a lot about us. And I think given how she shared her story, we're starting to learn a lot more about her as well.

And like, honestly, like the social media response to all of this has been the really coolest part of it all where, you know, you're seeing countless comments on like your guys's page. And then we gave a little brief clip on our end as well. And honestly, it's just been like overwhelming with people's support and like, you know,

seeing the heartwarming story that it is. So, like, to Em, like, thank you for, like, putting up with our madness, our silly gifts and whatnot for so long. And also, to the people that heard the story, I think that

We're going to try to continue to build a bridge of friendship with him and see if somewhere in the future where Detroit and Chicago is only about a stone's throw away for one another. So hopefully sometime in the near future, we can connect in person, potentially share a beer and then send you guys another leg to the story. So yeah.

to Jake and all the guys over there at the podcast. We really do appreciate you guys for filling her call and helping her with sharing her story. So thank you and cheers to everyone out there that this story has reached. I appreciate you guys.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls. To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. Going back to what we were saying before about your career, and this is a perfect example is how you've kind of done everything.

from going from starting the UCB, from your days first in Chicago of ImprovOlympic, that whole world, then going to New York, building what has become a comedy institution, but now being able to do things from like Veep to your bits to a movie like this, that's a hell of a journey, man. - Yeah, I've been pretty fortunate. And we talked about the Globetrotters earlier.

Every year I go to spring training with the Globetrotters and teach the rookies basic comedy and improv. Oh, wow. Wait, you swear to God? Swear to God, yeah. No way! That's amazing. Yeah, it's amazing because they have athletes coming out of...

you know college who aren't going to get drafted and this is their first foray into entertainment so you're just trying to give them some building blocks of like doing bits doing bits and committing to a reality like you're in a 360 arena you got to pretend that these points matter if somebody's cheating you got to really clown you know you got to commit and get old and kind of like get we're all so self-conscious like i don't want to look stupid like get over it yeah we're all idiots yeah just fucking do it you know that's so amazing what an amazing gig

A friend of mine was involved with them 10 or 12 years ago, and he was like, do you know somebody who would be willing to come out to Long Island and teach the Globetrotters some basic...

I'm like, I'll do it. I sure do. Because I love the Globetrotters. I used to watch them all the time. So, but yeah. And I thank you for honoring my career, both of you. I mean, I do deserve some kind of award for everything that I've done. Well, I mean, I have a podcast, too. Yeah. But you booked that. Yeah. I booked that. It's not easy to get a podcast. No, not these days. No, not these days. The schooling. Yeah. But it is you.

You do everything kind of because you have to and kind of because it keeps it interesting. I, like you, have pushed indie movies out, written, raised money. I'm doing comedy tour, like small comedy tours. We're going to Maine in August with Timmy Meadows and Rachel Dredd. Oh, you are? Yeah, so we do stuff like that. But it's kind of like... And what's the format of those shows? That's just straight up improv. You come out, talk to the audience, talk to each other, get information, and then do some long form scenes, which is what I've been doing forever.

Yeah, that's a good way to just keep the original thing you started at going. Because now, I mean, how much live performing do you do outside of something like this? I don't do much anymore. Like, I don't do UCB anymore. I'm pretty much, like, once a month I'll do a show or I'll go out on the road. But that is kind of...

what informs most of what I do is my improv training. Like you guys own standup really well. I'm sure you did your acting that sort of informs everything I do. I know. I always know how to like, listen, use that information and somehow wield or spin into something comedic. How much improv do you bring into something like this new movie you're doing?

I pitch ideas. I'm not like, oh, fuck this script. I'm not that arrogant. But I always pitch ideas or I'll push for like a free take where you can sort of leave the script or certainly paraphrase it. But truthfully, for anything to be good, it has to be really well written. Like I'm not like arrogant that way. Yeah.

So I'm a good actor. I know my lines. I'm ready to do it. But if there's something not working, I'll either pitch an idea or I'll try something new or look for that moment where we can do an extra take. I think it's always so great having an improviser. I think it is such a thing that I never understand. If I'm on sets and it's not happening, I feel like we're leaving so much meat on the bone.

Like if there's really funny people and we've nailed this thing and now if you're behind and it's a tiny indie, you're behind. Yeah. But a lot of times you're already lit. You're talking about just saying guys want to go again and don't do that. If you only give one, you'll go the free one. Everyone gets too crazy. And as you know, it's,

- It's so hard to get anything off the ground. So you spend eight months raising money, people locking in a schedule. Now you have two weeks in a house in upstate New York to shoot a 12 day movie and then you're rushing through it? - But you're here right now! - This is what's the most important. You did all of that to get here. So let's dig in. - Go right in. - Yes, let's go again. Let's film it again. And the other part is like, if you cast your buddy as the boss, 'cause he is the boss,

It's almost like you could say anything and you're fulfilling the role. Well, if that guy can say anything, then give him a take where he can say anything because he's in the scenario. And then shoot it in a way where the person around him is also in the shot so they can react because I know you're stressed. You cross cover everything because I know you're stressed, but you also, you're trying to get everything. Stop listening to your AD.

Stop listening to the person who's scared. That's the hardest thing about directing. I know it. I've directed a little bit. Me too. It's because you're so conscious of the day. Like, oh, we got to get in the ice cream parlor in two hours. Well, because your victory is being like, we got it all. How was it? Very medium. Yeah. And the audience's only goal is,

Was that one scene so funny? But you get to go with your crew like, "Hey, you guys didn't think I could get 74 setups in eight hours?" And they're like, "You're the man." And you're like, "Not one take was interesting. Slow down."

If you've got people there, get the funniest stuff. And I really learned this when I was in post on mine. I was like, I thought I knew. And then you're watching takes and you're like, I don't know. I want all these funny options. Liz Merriweather on New Girl would do it all the time. And I would get so annoyed. I'd be like, why are we doing a 15th take? We've got it. It's like, because we're here. And you don't know. And then when you can piece it together. So if you have somebody like you,

Fucking just trust this isn't somebody who's like a dramatic actor who's not funny in life, who's never done this, going like, can I try something funny? - Yes. - Give somebody who's done this their whole life a chance to open it up. And when that happens, I'm like, oh, it's such a joy. - Yeah, or even pitching before we get there. - Yes. - So it's almost like, here's an idea. Well, let's shoot what you have written. But I was thinking this, this, this. - That's what you guys did on Veep, right?

VEAP was really scripted, but we workshopped for the first three seasons. We workshopped everything, and then the writers would be in rooms taking notes, and then we would... Oh, but then set was... Set was scripted, yeah. And then you would get a free... I think the first couple seasons, we got free takes a lot. But it was... Oh, 100%. It got to script. But we used improv to create funny scripts and the characters. Interesting. Yeah.

Yeah, you're the best, man. We really appreciate you. Yeah, thank you, man. A ton of respect for you. Pleasure. Thank you so much. Thanks so much, man.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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