105: Liberty Not Mutual
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We are back with the Garth with the shark. Yes, shark. Shark, what's the shirt you're wearing, bud?

Parliament cigarettes. No, buddy. I bought four. That's the sponsor. Oh, quince. Yes. That one is way better. Yes. All right, buddy. Hey, we're not here to talk about cigarettes and advertise. I do have a hybrid of both of your shirts right now. This feels kind of like I got the gray tee, which Garrett's rocking. I got Jake style shirt.

We've kind of got in the middle. By the way, Gareth and I, we have probably both forgot to do our orders, but we got to get some of that Quinn's gear. I've ordered. Mine's been delivered. Yeah, I'm on the road. Mine's been delivered. All right, then I got to do it. All right, for new listeners or people who might have missed it, I made a big bet with Jake and Gareth that I could lose 20 pounds in three months by my birthday. I've been working out a ton. I have a personal trainer, and I have a...

a video message that I have not watched yet. We did a weigh-in today and I told him, don't tell me anything. So he just did a blind weigh-in. Yeah, hold on. What was your starting weight again? 203. And you were saying you wanted 183? Yeah. And when is your birthday? August 23rd, three weeks.

Okay. So you should be at this point at about 190. Yes. I bet he's lower. He's lost a lot of weight. You think he's lost 13? I mean, he's smoking parliaments. He's looking trim. I mean, the guy, he's dropped some LBs. Yeah, he has dropped some LBs. He looks good. All right, let's watch the vid. I agree. Hey, how's it going? How's it going? So my name is Eli. I'm Kevin's personal trainer for LA Fitness. And to be honest, yeah, Kevin's been killing it. He's been staying consistent. Yeah.

and he's just been making sure he's been doing eating the right foods and everything um so basically he doesn't know what his numbers are basically what we're supposed to do is i was supposed to tell you what his numbers are so come on shark when he first started his body fat was 30.1 percent now it's at 28.5 percent better his bmi was at 28.3 now it's at 27.

His weight was at 197.6 and now it is 188.4. And now his muscle percentage was at 33.5%. Now it's at 36.3. So he's definitely been putting that work in. And yeah, I got zero complaints. He's probably one of the better clients that I have. And you can tell he wants it. So

If you ever want to hit me up, my Instagram is Eli.Kofi1. Again, it's Eli.Kofi1. And, yeah, take care of yourself. Wow. So, Kevin, hold on, hold on. He's five away. I got to be robo. He's not five away, Garth.

Yeah, he said 197. Is that what you're saying? You said to us 203. You're a liar. He said 197. That's minus six pounds. Therefore, your 183 has to be 177. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're meeting rule book. I just went like this. Hey, guys, I'm going to lose 15 pounds in a week. Right now, I weigh 350 pounds. Put me on a scale. I lost 150 pounds. We did...

Our first weigh-in. We did our first weigh-in like 10 days into training with him. That was a bad idea. We did not do day one. Especially for the bet.

That's not a waitress work. We did not do a day one weigh in. Okay. Okay. I mean, I will say, I will say Eli sounds great. He seems great. A lot is changing. Things are going great. Yeah. You have lost from my calculations as a math guy. Yeah. Nine pounds. Yeah. 15 for me, but nine to you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you've got technically five more pounds, not 11 more pounds is what you say. I think I went from 203 to 188 and I got eight more to go. So everything's looking good. And I have to go soon because I got to do my big walk.

Pretty good. Well, I will say this. I will say this. It's interesting. It's impressive. You look good, but I'm with Gareth's interesting. And there's going to be a lot of text messages about it. It's just interesting. That's all it is, is interesting. And I will also say...

Eli did seem to be under some duress. I don't know what was going on in the past. He was reading the stats. But he's also talking about like the BMI, all this other stuff. It felt like he was being threatened. It felt like someone was in the car feeding him lines. That's all. I mean, Eli, are you OK? It's interesting is all it is. I'm great. I'm great. I look good. I feel good. You look, buddy, you look great. It's just interesting that there was an energy to Eli. And it's just interesting. Yeah. So here I will say. Bet Schmidt, we're just happy you're doing well.

But I mean, as far as bets go, it's interesting. It's interesting. It's this is very positive. It's good for the shark. It's good for the show. Yeah. It did create another thing that Gareth and I talked about post the patron when we're walking. And that is the shark is an onion. And when you keep peeling it, it keeps getting more interesting. It's an endless onion. That's whenever you think you're going to get a straight answer. They go like this.

He said, I have written down 203. Now it's 197. Now we wait in a week after. So the first one, I'm like, can I just not try to take him aside? When did you write down 203? When he said 203, when we did the bet.

Yeah, he told me he started at 203 and he was going to get to 183. Kevin, we're happy. It's interesting. That's all. And maybe we talk to Eli. I don't know. It's interesting is all. It's interesting. I'm afraid there's now a new bet that's going that has just occurred. That is now 177. You know what the bet is? Yeah. Is when you're going to be honest with us. Yeah. We're happy. I bet you'll keep breaking my heart with your lies.

Do you accept that bet? Absolutely, yeah. That's a great bet. I just think it's interesting. It's going to happen. It's just interesting. This show is exhausting. That's what I'm saying. This show is taking on... We are a year in and I'm already like, they're out to get me. Without further ado.

Hello. Hi, how you doing? I'm good. How are you? Good. Welcome to the show. We're happy to have you. Can we get your name and where you're calling from? My name is Danny and I'm calling from Charlotte, North Carolina. Danny from Charlotte. And what can we do for you today, Danny from Charlotte?

Okay, so just a little bit of backstory first. I live with my sister who is absolutely beautiful, amazing, gorgeous. She is single for a couple years now and recently got connected to an NFL player. What team? Panthers. I fear that I shouldn't say just for the sake of just getting back to him because I don't want him to think I'm insane. Hey, Danny, what's the vision? Position.

What team is their rival, honey? You know what I'm talking about? Let us deduce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could get this guy in three guesses. You just got to give me a region of the United States. What's he run? What? It was 40 times at the combine. Let's go there. I'll be able to figure it out. You talking about four chicks? Okay, I know who it is. All right, we got you. Bryce Young. If it's Bryce Young, that's shocking.

Let's just say it's Bryce Young. Okay, we'll call this person Bryce Young. So your sister, who's super hot, is dating Bryce Young? Yeah, right on point. So the thing is, we're in North Carolina and he lives in another state. And so she has been going to...

I honestly don't know or else I would tell you. I showed you how big of a football fan I am, but she has been going to meet him, but eventually he is coming to meet her and that's coming up soon, which means I'll be meeting him soon. And I'm not so much concerned as how to keep my cool because I don't really know that much about football. But more so my question is, is what can I do to intimidate him when I meet him?

You mean you want to have an air of like you're not at all rattled by the fact that this is an NFL player, which Jake and I can probably empathize with, honestly. Me more than Jake. Jake's like pretty...

Seems to be pretty cool when it comes to this stuff. But I'm like, I'm still a weirdo. You are. So yeah, I was a really big weirdo when I went to a basketball game when I used to be a huge Bulls fan with Eric Edelstein and Tyson Chandler was there. He met his fan seven feet one. I had watched him get drafted and Eric claims, which I don't think happened.

But he said Tyson Chandler was talking to Eric snuck us into the family section because he used to get fake cards that look like media. Sure. We would just sit with all the families meeting each other. And Eric and I were like waiting for the guy who never came out. But we were standing right next to Tyson Chandler and his family. And Eric claims.

I just put my hand on Tyson Chandler's back. And then Eric went, Hey, what are you doing? I don't believe it happened that way. But anyhow, yeah, I don't, that's not how I remember it, but that has been a story. I've, you know, like how we always tease each other. Yeah. So that is every once in a while we'll be at a restaurant and he'll be like, just don't put your hand on someone's back. You weirdo. And I'm like, I don't even know. He had fluff on it. So Danny, the question of this is your sister's dating a football player.

We somehow, for some reason, got the details that she's hot and amazing. I thought that was going to be towards the end, but she just happens to be a hot lady who's amazing. Sure. She met this guy. They're dating. She goes to... And what city does he play in again, just so I can get the backstory? The team is fine. Just somewhere in the U.S.,

Oh, damn it. I found a head. We're going fast. Joe Burrow. Yeah, Joe Burrow. Wow. Could it be a Chicago Bear? Oh, my God. You got it. Well, we don't consider them to be NFL players, but it could be. Waka, waka, waka. I got a perm. Wait a second. Which one is the bear with a perm that does waka, waka on the Muppets? Isn't there a hat? Fozzie? Doesn't Fozzie have a hat? No, Fozzie wears a hat. Okay, never mind.

Okay, I'm not going down that road because I know I'm not going to have the right info. And I got excited for a second, but I'm going to lose it. Real excited. So then the point is this, though.

She's dating a football player. He's coming to visit you. You're wondering how to be intimidating when you meet. Yeah. And I mean, it doesn't have, I was thinking it could, it could be a big gesture. I'm open to suggestions, but maybe even like something so small, that's like a little unsettling to him, you know, tell us why you want. Yeah. Tell us so we can pitch. We'll obviously pitch. Gareth is going to be great at this, but tell us why you want to do this. Well,

Well, number one, I feel like the egos of NFL players are huge. And I think that bringing people back to your family is like a very big thing for my sister. So I really want to just step back

just hit the ground running with him. Like I want to assert my dominance and let him know what, like why he's there. You want to know what this reminds me of? I will say, I feel like people put assumptions on P I will. I got to go down a little weird road here, Danny. Cause I think they'll think like, I have an attitude football players. And a lot of times people will say to me when they meet, they, the first thing they had like weird grandmas, I'll go like somebody who go like, Hey, this, and I'll be like, Hey, this is Jake Boba. And she'll go,

I heard you're on television, but I've never seen you. Yeah. And I'll be like, okay. Okay. I'm literally just here because my friend, I'm picking up my friend. Not sure why you got to be. And she's like,

I don't think you're so great. And I'm like, okay, really nice to meet you, dude. Your Greek grandma is a weird lady, my friend George. Let's get going. Maybe he's just a sweet guy and he just plays football. It really is true. It's like, I think when people think you have like a spotlight, especially when like you

you are, you know, very famous people. They are. There is this thing of just being like, I'm sure you get it. Gareth people. Yeah. They'll go like this. Like, I don't know who you are. Oh, you're a standup comedian. Say something. You don't seem so funny. I literally just said hi. Here's what they'll do with standups. They'll go. I could have done standup, but I just didn't want, you know, and you're like, okay, awesome. Great. Good for you. Yeah. I guess whatever. That's a key difference in the careers that we have. You didn't go for it. Yep.

But also like, maybe going for it was wrong. This is just what I'm doing. I'm like literally just looking for water at a barbecue. Responding, I'm happy for you is so funny. But Gareth, I totally get it where people go like,

you know, like, yeah, you're a stand up. Yeah. My uncle Mike's funniest guy I've ever met, but he didn't want to do it. Okay. All right. Great. That's really good. Literally don't care. Yeah. Or, or there's other, I mean, we could keep doing this for hours, but the other one is where people are like, do you know Nate Bargatze? And you're just like, all right, I'm not enjoying this at all. I really, the worst is this though. You know what? I got something that could be a really funny SNL skit. And you go, well, I'm not on SNL. Yep.

And they go, I don't know anything about it. And my mother, I know, but this is a funny skit. My mother last week was pitching my uncle to be a guest on. We're here to help so hard that I had to go. It's not happening.

Sharp, book the uncle. Patreon. Patreon. He'd love it. Okay, so Danny. But you want to be intimidating when you meet him, and the thought is you want to cut this tree down to size, yeah? Yeah, and I think, I mean, I feel like I would do this to, even if he wasn't an NFL player, but I think that factor...

really plays into it which is why i'm adding on to that detail i respect you just want to make sure he knows you got a great sister ain't that special and you know what don't come in here with attitude what's by the way play for really fast yeah just the city's fine um it'll just help i have to guess yeah i guess somewhere above north carolina

Okay. Doesn't help. Okay. Great. Well, first of all, I think he's going to be cut down to size a little bit when he's staying in a two bedroom apartment with you and your sister. I think that's probably going to humble him enough. Three bedroom. Three bedroom. Whatever the fact is, he's going to be sharing a toilet with two women or something like that. I think he's definitely going to be like, Hey, you know what I mean? Things can be better. Definitely not Joe Burrow. It's definitely, definitely a fringe NFL player who might be a practice. This guy's probably played for three or four teams. Um,

All right. Here's some pitches for you. I got two of the kind of splinter. One is let's make you a huge basketball fan right away. Show him his sport is secondary at best in this household.

And what I would do is I would buy maybe a jersey. I would be wearing that when he shows up and I would maybe even get a poster. My other pitch on that is you could be a huge Shaq fan because Shaq is the biggest guy of all time. And that's a way to make this guy feel tiny. And when he's throwing facts at you or whatever, he takes his shoes off when he comes in. You can be Shaq wears an 18. Can I can I pitch on your pitch? Yeah.

whatever position he is playing on the team he's on, find the person that is. So if he, yeah, if he's like a defensive end and he's second string, get the Jersey of the first string. Yeah. Or, or what's like a Bruce Smith or something like that. But I would, I would make it specific for the joke. So like if he, if he's a running back, right. And let's say he's a second string running back on the team. He's on find out who's the starter.

and get that if he's a starter then find out who in that franchise is the best running back that they've ever had so when he walks in he'll go like let's just say it's the panthers and he walks in and he goes like oh panthers then he looks at it and he realizes it's the guy he battles every day in practice and he has to go like i get it and you go how was practice how

How's everything going on the team for you? And you're just letting him know that you're hoping that he's getting traded. Yeah. You're just letting him know, Hey, guess what? You're not number one in this house. I like that too. I think what any, so if you want to go that way, it's a good intro. It shows that you're like lighthearted and you thought about him. Yes. I like that. The other thing I was going to say is, um,

You could just if you had like a cause with great meaning, like people will do this where they'll like trivialize sports and you'll just be like, like, I'm obviously like I think about things outside of sports, but you'll be talking about sports and someone will just be like, yeah, but I mean, the political climate right now. And you're like, yeah, you could cause it. You could cause it up over there a little bit so that when he starts talking about the sport, you could say something will go.

I mean, he's going to probably, I mean, right now, especially because he's in training camp right now. Yeah. But I think he's going to be going in and it's going to be all about, he's there for her and then you get to know the sister. So he's going to be like, Oh no way. You guys are cool. I got a worse one. This is the word. This one I don't think is good, but it just came into my head. You could bring up how big and tall your sister's like two boyfriends ago was. Yeah.

You know, you could say when you first meet him, you could go like this. You're small compared to the exes. Yeah. Here's what you could do, too. You could be like you could even get like a fucking size 17 shoe and just get like one or two cheap ones and just leave them around and go, oh, sorry, those are Dan's.

Yeah. Who's Dan? Casey. Oh, that's Casey's ex. But he left his shoes here. What are you? Twelve? Fifteen? He's the guy who left on Thursday. Yeah. He got traded. He got traded. Yeah.

You know what you could do? By the way, traded is a great term. When you meet him, you can go, that's really helped to meet you. I hope that you don't get cut or traded by my sister. Yeah. I hope you make the squad full time. Yeah. Hopefully she franchised. Yeah. Is he a guy in the NFL? Does he get cut a lot? Has he had a long contract? Is he a journeyman?

No, the contract hasn't been long. He actually just signed a new one. So this will be his, I think, second season with the team.

So the second season. That's good, though. So then what you could say is I hope you stick along with a longer contract here than you have in North with the Panthers. You also could. I mean, the quarterback like Jordan Love just signed. You could bring you could be like, so you just signed a new contract. Two years, you know, X. That's pretty good. Jordan Love just signed a four year. Like he's getting like 50 mil a year. That's crazy. That money is like game changing now. But here's the catch.

Do we want to start with a bad vibe? No. Because that's the same thing. I could be open.

You could be open. I feel like she's willing to go for it. But I think as again, drunk uncles, I think do the version where it's charming, not kind of grinding. You could also find out where he went to college and get a rival shirt. That's a, that's a subtle, that's a good one. That's a good one. So Danny, we give you some options, rival college, be a fan of Shaq, be a basketball fan. Talk about how big the X was. Talk about contracts, leave some shoes, uh,

Find a jersey of his person he's competing with. Leave a bunch of Vagisil out in the bathroom. What do you think you're going to do? I think she already has that. I think I like the melting pot that you guys have talked about on past episodes of choosing a little bit of everything. Sure. You want a Milan. I like the subtler ones. I don't want to come across...

too strong because I guess it's not a great idea to start off on the wrong. I like the subtle ones of leaving a shoe, a big shoe on the ground or maybe one way bigger. That's your subtle one. Your setup and your finish were so different. I like the one where we just talk about his ex having a bigger shoe. That's crazy. Just get a bunch of Magnum condom wrappers and leave them around her room. Yeah.

Holy mackerel. Okay, so you like that. But by the way, if it is a joke and you pull it off, it will be a big laugh. If you leave huge shoes or a huge like a triple XL shirt somewhere. The huge shoe could be your boyfriend's shoe if you wanted it. Sorry, that's my ex's shoe. He left it here. Totally. Yeah. He's a pretty big guy. You wouldn't get it.

He's large. He's a big guy. He's not medium. He's not a tiny guy like you. Yeah. How big is he? Is he like an offensive lineman big or is he like a skill position? Massive. He's like 6'5", like pushing 300. So he's on the line. He's a DL, yeah. So he's a DL or offensive lineman. Okay, I got you. He's all the same to me. Yeah, I got you. And he just has a one-year contract. The Falcons just re-upped him probably. Is that right? Yeah. That's what you're saying? Yeah.

I can't confirm nor did I. I understand. Okay. Yeah, we get you for sure. So I would consider, so I'm sorry, Danny. I'd rather what I would consider. What are you considering? So you're going to do the big shoe. What else are you going to do?

I like the idea of getting a jersey for someone because I don't he's not a starter every single time. So I like the idea of getting a jersey. I guess this isn't a subtle one again. Yeah, I've got a subtle pitch really fast. Now that we know he's a big guy. When he first gets there, have a really small or a normal sized plate of food and go you must be starving.

And it's like, it has a six foot five three pounder. And it's literally three grapes and half a sandwich. And put it on like a really small appetizer plate with like a tiny little cup. And he's like,

yeah thank you and then he's got and then he doesn't know how to react so he's trying to be polite he's like thank you and he takes like tiny little sips and then you go like i'm just kidding come in the kitchen we made you food and then there's a real meal just so for a second he has to be like thank you and it's like little baby grapes and he's like this is amazing it i mean i'm 300 pounds six foot five this just won't even fill up this won't fill up one of my toes but i respect you yeah

That's perfect because she talks about all the time how much you eat. So maybe...

we can hype up my cooking to him. So yes, I think, and then, you know, you could do, here's what I would actually do, Danny, the Jersey and that stuff could be a little offensive and it could be like, Hey, why are you trying to hurt me? Here's what I would play with him personally. She'd be like, that's real. I was really excited to meet her. She's kind of a nasty human, but here's what I would say. I would hype up your cooking and I would have her tell him, don't worry about food. There's going to be food where we get there. When he gets there, we bring him like one wing of

Two grapes. And like a tiny, like, and one of those like mini sodas where it's like a Coke, but in a tiny thing and be like, here you go. And have him go like, thanks. And watch in his head, him thinking like, fuck, I got to sneak out of here and eat. This is not. And then, and then you can be like, and tonight we might get a little wild and hold up one of those like mini one, like fireball bottles. Yeah.

We're going to split this. Yeah. And then like a tiny little dessert and be like, I'm not against ice cream. Yeah. Like a hamster meal. And then... We're really in big tonight. Yeah. We're going crazy. And then go, I'm just kidding. And then in the kitchen, there's like, if you ordered food or whatever, there's actual food. So you have a big laugh, but he goes like, oh...

she's not, she's not nervous. She's fucking with me. She's cool. Then relax a little bit, act like he's back when the Falcons and the kind of jokes he makes with like, then you could talk about his new quarterback, Matt Ryan, or what's his quarterback's name again? Oh, Kirk Cousins. Yeah. Who's the quarterback of the team he's on Danny Kirk Cousins. You said, right, Danny.

Even if I knew, I still wouldn't tell you. I think that's pretty good. What do you think of the food move? I really, really like the food move because the food is something we've been talking about a lot. And I think maybe that's a little bit more subtle than maybe the shoes. But also the shoes in there probably. By the way, if you want to get a huge shoe, it's just funny. It's just heightening the joke. And there's another thing. But get him like a tiny little salad, a tiny little meal. You could punch the food because that's a nice opener with the shoe after. Yes.

And then your jokes are not meant to be mean. You're just trying to get him loose, which he will. And then he'll go very fast. This girl's funny. This is going to be a fun weekend. Yeah. When I get cut from the Panthers, it's fine. No, not the Panthers. You said it was the Lions, didn't you? No. She would have mentioned that to a couple of NFC North fans. And then what you said? So, Danny, will you follow up with us if you actually do the food thing? And will you take a photo of the food you're presenting to him with? Yes.

Please send it to us. Absolutely. I will. I cannot wait. If you could get a photo of him, you could blur out his face with his size, holding a tiny plate of food and pretending to be happy about it. For scale. Yeah. That would be a massive win. Yes, I will. I absolutely will. Awesome. Thanks for the call. Thanks, Danny. Good luck. Absolutely. Thank you guys. Yeah. Go Patriots.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. All right, Shark, you know what's up. It's finally time for summer travel, and there are so many choices of places to stay on Booking.com across the United States. From the stylish hotels, the family-friendly resorts, the cute B&Bs, beds and breakfasts,

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We send them right to Squarespace, and we are not lying about how much we love and use Squarespace because we just did it. The wigs and whatever. Suits and wigs. Wigs and suits party. And then just recently, we had a caller who lied to her boss and told her that she was taking a cooking class for a week, which just sounds insane to begin with, that a cooking class would be a week. Really, she was going off and doing some BDSM stuff.

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code gil sent me hello hi welcome to the show hi guys hi can you give us your name where you're calling from and a little something about you and then what the problem is okay my name is liberty i'm from utah i'm 25 um okay what's the issue today so my my issue here is actually my name um and i'm glad you guys didn't do it but uh i was very close obviously

You were very close. Were you going to do the jingle? No. Oh, God. What's the jingle? Liberty, liberty, liberty. Oh, my God. Oh, God, liberty. I'm sorry. That's tough. Thank you. Everybody does the commercial jingle? Everybody. I bet. Like...

Now all I'm thinking is Liberty, Liberty Mutual. It's tough. Okay. Yeah. It happens all the time. This sucks. Okay. Okay. This sucks. Okay. So, yeah, I mean, basically it happens about, yeah, 50% of the people I introduce myself to. And it has sucked the fun out of my name. I love my name.

So, yeah, I'm just trying to find, you know, what, what can I say to people? Obviously I can't just prevent them, but what's some funny comebacks. I don't know. What do I do? So Liberty, will you walk us through, would you play both parts? Will you show us what happens on a regular basis in your life?

Yes. You want me to play both parts? Yeah, just so we can get a sense of what's really happening. Okay. So I'm like maybe at a restaurant, they say, okay, thanks for here to go. And I say, it's for to go. And they say, okay, what's your name? They say, my name is Liberty. And they say, oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. And I say, oh, ha ha. Yep, that's it. Okay. And it happens all the time. All the time. One idea that you could do,

is you could do the spaz thing fast like like gareth you and i do it together i'm liberty okay uh can i get a name for the order yeah it's liberty ah because what it does is it takes away the fun i think person goes like chill out man i was just singing liberty liberty mutual but you know what they're gonna do

It's hard. I thought about this with the name Karen a lot. The name Karen was fine. And then all of a sudden it was like, oof. Agreed. But it's different because that is internal. People have a compulsion to sing that stupid song. I have an idea. Let's go. Here's a weird play. And this is a joke in a game just for you. And the way to execute this is you can't laugh. But you have to pretend there's an audience.

So when they do it, you go, for example, let's do it. All right. Can I get a name for the to-go order? Yeah, it's Liberty. Oh, Liberty. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. First of all, that's not the song. You got lost in the weeds. You got lost in the sauce. You went like this. Liberty, Liberty. I can't remember it. Liberty, Liberty, Mutual. No, you don't know the goddamn song. Liberty, what is the song? I will not take lessons on the Liberty jingle from you. What's the song, Liberty? Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. That's not it.

it's just the name they don't say liberty mutual they go liberty liberty liberty liberty yeah liberty liberty yeah okay so here's what you could do okay you could pretend you don't know what they're doing and make them explain it yeah so if they go like liberty liberty you go like this you okay and they go like it's the song and you go what song and they go from the commercial and you go what commercial and they go liberty mutual and you go

you're singing a commercial jingle to me? And they go, no, no, it's the song. Liberty, Liberty Mutual. And you go, what song? And you, who's on third them a little bit? So they go like, well, that was a weird interaction. I would say that's a good one if you're going into like a place regularly. Yeah. I think...

It's hard because like aside from shortening your name, adding a middle name like my name is Liberty Ann or something like that, that kind of that kind of takes you away from it a little bit. I would say you could also when you give your name for now, you could say my name. I when I do to go orders, I always do a fake name. What's the name you do? I do Roy.

Because my name, like if I tried, it just takes an extra 15 seconds because people go like, what is the name? And then I'm like, why am I doing this? So I'll just say Roy. It just makes it easier. So you could do a fake name for to-go orders. You also, when you are meeting someone, you could say, I'm Liberty. Don't sing the jingle.

Oh, that's my new jingle. That's my jingle. Yeah, kind of, yes. Yes, but name please Liberty and don't do the jingle. Don't do the jingle just for right now. Or I do like Jake's pitch too where you go, I think you could hit him with the version Jake did or a short version would be like, I've never heard that before. I've had people say that to me before and it hurts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because you realize...

But I kind of don't mind the, what's your name? It's Liberty and Don't Do the Jingle. Don't Do the Jingle. Because then you're going to allow them to laugh. Uh-huh. And then you're going to have a little moment. Yep. I don't hate the fake name Liberty. I don't, but you know, part of your thing that's annoying for you is you're like, well, you like your name. Yeah. But in these early pitches, how are you feeling about this?

Going in a good direction. I mean, yeah, this is, it's great. I mean, yeah, I don't want to, I don't want to give fake names to people who, you know, I'm actually meeting, meeting, right? This is to go. You ever had any nicknames when you were growing up? Yeah. What does Liberty get short for? Libby? Yeah. No, I never got Libby. I got a lot of Ib, Libs. My nieces call me Aunt Bert because my husband doesn't like pet names. So he, I don't think introducing yourself as Aunt Bert is going to get us very far. Well, Ib, Ibby,

So there's obviously an easy solution with nicknames, but we're going to see if we can top that, correct? It also might be death by a thousand cuts, where it might be to-go orders a fake name. When you're meeting someone for the first time, you say, Liberty, please don't do the jingle. And then it might just become, yeah, like using your nickname for other things. Yeah. I'm wondering if there's a way to, when you say your name, you fuck with the rhythm? Such as? Lib Erdy.

Or, you know, the way Gareth and I both got confused of what it is. Because all we want to do is put a seed of doubt in their head that they might get it wrong. So they go, what's your name? And you go, Liberty. Or mumble it a little bit.

So that they don't hear it? That's not great. I hear you. Neither does mine. This is a hard one. I think, look, it's kind of like you kind of just have to avoid certain situations. If it's someone you're interested in meeting, you could say, Liberty, don't do the jingle. What do you think about saying, Liberty, don't do the jingle as one thing?

I think that's great. I'm just scared. I hate doing jokes that don't land. And with my name, there's another joke that I say that lands probably about 30% of the time. What is it? So if they don't sing the jingle and I say my name, they're like, oh, that's such a cool name. And I say, oh, thanks. I got it for my birthday. And like only 30% of people get that. Pretty good. Yeah. I mean, this is a separate issue. Separate issue. Different call. Yeah. I don't think... I mean...

It's not great. Pretty good. She got it for her birthday. I mean, come on. She got it with just zero. Stop it. We don't need that. I'm with you, Libra. I think it's nice. I mean, you could do that. Sure. You could also say that if someone sings it, you could be like, legally, I'm not allowed to have that sung. Yeah, but she doesn't. So all these jokes we're pitching aren't going to land for the person. Mine's not even a joke.

to say i legally can't no i say don't sing the jingle oh yeah yeah and you but you don't like the uh my name is liberty don't say the jingle because that is that we'll get a laugh it's good it's good i'm hoping for great okay wow that's tough to hear you came to the wrong place yeah i don't know i mean i don't know what we've made you think the bar is so high so here's what's hard liberty

When people are going to hear the name, they're going to sing Liberty, Liberty. What do you think about spazzing out? What's your middle name? Emma. What about Liberty Emma? Sounds like a patriotic enema. What do you think about, can you try, I have an idea, Liberty. I'm going to pretend to be the person, the cashier, your Liberty, and I want you to do the spaz response and ruin it for me. Let's just hear how you do it. Sure. Sure.

Yeah. Can I get a name for that order, please? Yeah, it's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. That's the one. There's so much to love about what just happened.

On our end, watching Jake feel hung out to dry by you not doing anything was awesome. Man, you being really sweet and saying that's the one. Yeah, this is what Jake's looking for. Do it to me. Hey, can we get a name for the order, please? Oh, yeah, my name's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty. Liberty, Liberty. Oh, man, that's genius. By the way, it's insane, but it's great.

Just totally overdo it. So you just, you try to overdo it now, Liberty. Okay. Let's just see. Hi, can we get a name for that order, please? Yeah. It's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Yeah. That's yeah. Liberty, Liberty. Yep. That's the one. Oh my gosh. That is so funny. How did you come up with that? It's brutal. Pretty brutal. It's pretty brutal. I'll tell you what.

Here's why it's good. It's a dumb thing for someone to do, and I think the way you just played it off is you're definitely rebuffing, but it is also kind of funny. I got one. Liberty, you do it to me. I'm going to... I'm Liberty now. Let me just try a different one. So you ask me what my name is. Hey, and can we get a name for the order? Yeah, it's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Shut up! Oh, what?

Just one. And then they go, is everything okay? And you go, yeah, you were just doing the Liberty thing. And I just yelled, shut up. We're equal in weirdness. You sang a name at me. I yelled, shut up. I got one. Do it to me, Liberty. Okay. Can I get the name for the order? It's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty. The orphanage gave it to me. All right. Give me one. Okay. Can I get a name for the order? Yeah, it's Liberty.

Oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. I was named after my grandmother and she died. So thanks a lot for singing it. She was actually, she was named that long before that fucking commercial. Hit me with one, Liberty. All right, can I get a name for the order? Oh yeah, it's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Yeah, yeah, just the fucking name. So Liberty, what do you want to do here? Because the things we're pitching you at is bad behavior that doesn't seem like your personality. Yeah.

No, I honestly don't think I could yell at someone to shut up. That doesn't seem like you, but you also don't want to just do, why not just do middle name? I totally could. I totally could. I also would worry I wouldn't respond to my middle name if they called my name. But, I mean, it's better than hearing it. So in your heart of hearts, what do you think the kind of solution is? Because I know what I would do if it was me, and I would do the spaz.

If I didn't like it, I would do the... All jokes aside, I would do this. I would do the don't do the jingle. Okay. This is what I would truthfully do. You want to be Liberty? Yeah, I'm Liberty. Can I get a name for the order? Yeah, it's Liberty. Okay. Liberty. Liberty. Shut up.

And the person would look at me weird and I would find it really funny. I don't think it's rude because I think that was rude. They were doing the jingle. I think we're even, you know, I got another pitch. What, what, when are you finding the, this happens the most and irritates you? Starbucks. Um, I'm, I'm definitely a people person. So I love to like meet people at the store, at the park, it's softball game. So I, you know, I meet people for the first time. Okay. So everybody's, once you say your name, everybody's doing that fucking jingle.

Yeah. And I believe it. I could see it happening everywhere. Yeah. Okay. That's that. My pitch is gone. What were you going to say? I was going to say if it's like a cashier sort of deal, it's just fake being on the phone. They're not going to do it. The interaction is going to be limited. I got a wild. Yeah. Why don't you get a Liberty Mutual hat and you wear it off and you're leaning into it?

How about this? I have an idea. And this might not work, but certain people do this. Look at Kevin, how bored he is. Kevin's just like, we have so many calls scheduled and you guys are doing two. Well, this is a hard one, Kevin. Love you, Kevin. Yeah. Kevin, you got anything? I would do, I would rather, oh, someone just left. I would rather exhale very loudly as they're doing it or do

do a oh yeah people say that to me all the time yeah but the problem is it's already over then and now she's having a bad interaction how about this Liberty what's your last name? Leighton some people say first and last names

So when they say, what's your name? You go first and last name. They're not going to go Liberty lighten. It helps. I just thinking about it like that. Hearing Liberty. There's a word. Yes. I think that's pretty good. Hearing the problem with your name is it works so perfectly with the jingle, but when you throw the last name in, it just changes it. And that name sounds nice together. That's pretty good. It's a cute name. It works. It feels like your personality. It also throws the, I, what do you think of that pitch?

I think it's great. Yeah, I think it's great. Because a lot of people like, you know, June just did our show. Yeah. She always refers to her husband as Paul Scheer. Yeah. Dana Powell, remember her as an improviser? Yeah, yeah. She always says Dana Powell. Hilarious. And her husband should always say Dan Lipton. Yep. So certain people just say first and last names. Steve Berg. Steve Berg. I never just say Steve. No. You say Steve Berg. Steven.

But so certain people are just first and last name people, and it's not odd. And I think from your personality, with the name, if it was a different last name, but the first and last name work together. LL, what do you think? I think it's good. I think the caveat there is I always have to spell it, and I want to minimize these interactions. Well, they could just do LL. Are you talking about like a Starbucks? Spell what? Your last name? The last name, yeah. For who?

Yeah. You're talking about a softball game for cashier situations, right? They have to write the name down. They'll get it wrong. Cashier. We're either, I think go with the, when we're talking about to go orders, I think go with the fake name. Yeah. Or if they go, if you go Liberty, what's your last name again? Lighten. Lighten. Yeah. Okay. So you be the cashier and I'm going to be Liberty and then ask for the spelling. I'll give you a version of that. Oh, okay. And what's the name for the order? Uh, Liberty Lighten.

Okay, now how do you spell that? Shut up! I'm kidding. Then you just say, you could just write LL. I think for when you're meeting people that you might see more than once, do first and last. Yes. Outside of that, lie about it or say I've heard the jingle. I honestly think this is a good solution.

Well, what do you, here's, it's not what we think, which what do you think Liberty? I know what I think. Go ahead. Yeah. I think, I think the one I'm leaning towards most is I'm not a confrontational person, so I couldn't, I don't know if I could do that, but I, I would like to play coy and just be like,

The what now? Sorry, what did you say? What was that? I've never heard that before. I like that too. Boy, and how much we would love an audio recording of you doing it sometime. That's a great idea. Could you as a follow-up for us, the first time you do it, could you put a voice note on your call? Please. And just when you're interacting. Have your phone recording and just record the interaction. And just when you have a feeling it's going to happen.

Just record it, please. I'll do it. I'll try to do that at lunch today. Perfect. And then also, Liberty, try the first and last name a couple of times just to see what happens. Keep it in the back pocket. I do not think if you hear first and last name, you're not singing it. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, we like it more than you, but as long as there's something. So give it a shot.

We can tell from your voice that this is not a home run. No, but the follow-up is going to be. The follow-up is going to be. Exactly. That's right. You've been traumatized by this name, and you don't think there's a solution? Yeah. We're fake therapists. By the way, the next call is Kevin asking how he can get the host of the show to wrap up the calls quicker because of scheduling. Liberty, Liberty, Mutual, Liberty. Thanks for the call. Bye, Liberty. Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, there it is. You say not mutual. They go like this. Run that back, Liberty. I'm Liberty. You're you. Okay, can I get a name for the order? Yeah, it's Liberty. Oh, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Ugh, not mutual. I think you do it like this. Ask me, Liberty. Go.

Can I get a name for the order? It's Liberty. Liberty, not Mutual. Oh. Oh. Liberty, Liberty, not Mutual. That's pretty good. I like that. And you do it because that will, and if they don't get it, they don't get it. And you go, it's Liberty, and then you go, not Mutual.

See, I knew you guys had it in you. There we go. All right. That's a win. All right. There we go, Liberty. We got it. Liberty, not mutual. We got it. But Liberty, not mutual is great. And if they don't get it, they don't get it. They go like, okay, it's not mutual. What's not mutual? Who cares? I like it. You going to do it? Sounds good. Yep. That's great, guys. I'll try to get a recording. It'll be tough, but I'll do it for you. You're the best, Liberty. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Bye. Bye. We need cigarettes.

Bye. Bye.

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Hi. I thought we were hearing an echo. Hi there. Hi. We're having fun. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? I'm a shark. Okay. I'm so excited. I'm going to go with Megan, and I'm 36, and I'm in Idaho. Oh, beautiful. We're in Idaho.

Far, far north. Sure. I know it well. Canada. Yeah. Okay. Well, you're on with Jake. You're on with Gareth. We got Shark in the Wings. If we need him, we'll chum it up. What's going on? What can we help you with?

Okay, cool. So I have been married to my husband for about 15 years, or we've been together 15 years. He is wildly quirky, lots of fun things that he does. But I'm calling in because no matter the weather, rain, snow, doesn't matter, hot, he will leave his car door open. What? Awesome.

Always when he exits the car, you mean for good. Oh, what? So it always looks like he's been kidnapped. Yeah, no, he doesn't. We're seeing pictures right now. By the way, he's got a lot of cars and it doesn't help that he's parking. And Garrett, this is over the years. I know, but it's just, no, no, no, no, no. That's just the past month that I've been collecting photos, but incredible every single time. And, um,

So it's become this thing where, because we run a farm and we have lots of people coming in and out and everybody comments. They're just like, what is going on? Like, what is this? And I talked to him. Yeah, he does not care at all. Right. So why, Megan, why does he leave them open? What does he say? He just, I don't, I don't care. I don't care what people think.

But no, it's not what people think. Like there's squirrels getting in his car. There's a reason we close things. It's to protect the automobile. What does he say when you say, why is that happening? He can't be bothered with this? No time? Just like, oh, just it doesn't matter. Well, who cares? But I'm not kidding you. It will be snowing and his car door will be open. This dude's wild. And there will be...

This is beyond quick. Yeah.

Yeah, he also swims in his socks. So there's another random one for you guys. But my question today is... Hey, I got to say, I've been called worse, Gareth. Hey, is this Megan or my wife Erin calling in? I know. Okay, so Megan, so the swimming in socks, let's not touch. That's a personal choice. I'm kind of with him.

Why did I cover up the toes when you swim? Crazy alignment. I'm a little bit confused about the leaving the car door opening and when asked saying, I don't care. Does he leave like all the drawers open? Does he leave the front door open at the house? No, it's just this thing with the cars. And we do have a lot of cars, right? So like you'll pull up to the place and it's just like cars, car doors open everywhere. It's not just like one single car. And so...

I don't know. Yeah, it's total. By the way, Megan, you shouldn't know. No, because this is not for you to know. We have decided for our own safety and just as a society that those get closed.

Um, it's surprising that he leaves them open during the winter and the snow, because one of my pitches would be like, make the interior problematic so that he doesn't care. But yeah, but he, he seems to be impervious to the elements getting inside of the car. And so Megan, what is the specific question on this? How do I get him to care or to care is impossible.

Okay. How do I get him to close the door? Yeah. We can maybe, yeah, we can maybe get him to close the doors. We cannot get him to care. Yeah. This dude wears socks when he swims, leaves good doors open in the winter. He didn't give a fuck. Yeah. He's not going to care, but it's part of the issue is you're on the farm. So,

So you're in the, so it's not like he's like in the park. Like if he goes to a parking lot, he shuts the door, but it's just when he gets home, he just is like, I mean like an eight year old who wants to run in the, it's like a dog energy. I haven't, I have a pitch. You said you're on a farm. Yeah. Yeah. His favorite car that he leaves open the next time an animal is pregnant, about to give birth without telling him, carry it and put it in the backseat of his car. Yeah.

It's a baby animal. I was going to say. So if there's an animal about to give birth, right? You have an animal on your farm. We're more of a vegetable farm. All right. Well, the next time that some broccoli is growing. How about if a pumpkin is about to give babies? Look, I don't know the way the world works. Look, just empty a goddamn pumpkin in the car. Because what I'm looking to do is the reason we close doors of cars is in the city. You don't want people breaking in. Right. Right.

In the country, you don't want animals going in there and ripping it up and shitting on it and turning it into a wolf's nest. That's a good pitch. Okay, here are my pitches. One is off of what you just said, Jake.

I would just get some goddamn raccoon poop or some like poop and put it on the car seat so that when he leaves the door over. Yeah. And don't you say it's a raccoon. A raccoon is making your car a home because you've left an amazing home for him. I'll tell you what you did. You created an outhouse. Yeah, you gave him you gave him a warm place to take dumps. Yeah. Your car is a raccoon toilet. Way to go, Doug. Good for you, man.

That's one. Another one is I wonder if you can like when you take the car, be like the battery died and be like the battery died because there's got to be some like a light that would stay on inside. Yeah. Like that's got to hurt the battery. And then my nuclear one would be that you have to orchestrate. And I don't know how we do this. We could maybe help the idea. You could even make it up.

That one someone drove by, saw it and just assumed that there was some sort of kidnapping or something. And the cops got involved and you had to tell them that, no, you just leave the door open. And the cops didn't like the energy of this conversation. Oh, my gosh, that's hilarious. Yeah.

I would say let's not involve the cops with a fake kidnapping. How about this? It'll be fun. How about we get... Sorry to be the responsible one on this insanity. Hey, listen. Let's say that there was a kid who was kidnapped, but there's no kid who's not kidnapped. I agree. We need the freedom to push. Well, I'm sorry that we can't throw a baby goat in there covered in womb juice, Jake. That's fine. Look, if she's got a

farm and there's like a pig about to give birth, I'll tell you what I would do if I left my door open. I walked out there and there's like mom baby juice all over my car. I'm closing the door. I'll tell you what you're going to have is a dead pig in the car. That's what you're going to do. Gross. Why? Why dead? Because you need some attention. I'm not saying take the baby out and get the mom out of there. Let all the feeding happen in there. I agree. Let's not involve the cops, but let's not act like

I have a fire pitch, which is what if you go and open the other doors and the trunk just to make it more inconvenient for him every time he comes back? I like that. I like that a lot. Shark coming in. That's a good one. By the way, I think that's a great one. I think we have two real ones for you. I've got one more just to tack on. Go ahead. Just get someone that he doesn't know, a friend or something when he's driving the car to pretend to be kind of a vagrant who's made the back the home. And.

And so while he's driving, they wake up and they're like, what? Again, it's complicated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's what I think you should do, Megan. I don't hate the fake hobo, but it's hard. We've picked that before where we have like a person who's going to be Santa. But no one's ever done them. Yeah.

Remember when we had like the first one, like Santa was the kid. We said like, have like a weird uncle come and say like, I'm Santa, but I'm not Santa. I think in my head and our heads, we have an unlimited budget. Yes, I totally agree. Well, we also, we have...

In my head, when we were pitching them, especially earlier, the reason I was always into that is you guys are surrounded by character actors. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's like she's on a farm and I know it's so easy to just unload insanity and be like, so how close are you to the cops showing up? There are 16 people who want to do this.

We know everyone in the town. It's a fun pitch, but I don't think we're going to win. They'll be wearing a costume, but let's move on. But I do. I do think the shark pitch something good here. And I think we can combine it. He leaves the door open because he doesn't care. But what he would care about is every time he went to the car, he had to close every single door and the trunk. And then if he went, Hey, did you open everything up? Say the same thing. I don't care.

May I tack on to that that we keep all the cabinets open in the house as well? Yes. We're now a doors open family. No, but you know what, Garrett? That's the heightened.

Yes. I would say great for start to start. If he does the door open every time you see it open every single door and the trunk and the glove box and the engine hood. So when he walks out, he goes, what's going on? And you go, I don't care. And he goes, yeah, but don't do that. And you go like this. I don't even care. Just like, I don't care. Yeah. And he goes, why'd you do it? You could just do it. He goes, I don't know. I just did it. Something to do.

The way he answers you where there's no answer. What if you say to him, hey, why didn't you close the door to the car? What does he say?

he just doesn't he just oh why i'm just gonna get back say that say that why did you open every door and the hood in the truck you go i don't know i just i don't know what i did it and he'll go he'll see himself and you and he'll go your behavior's out of control and then you go i don't know then the one day he closes the door of the car you leave it be

I like it. And if I can do that, that'll work. It'll be also really funny. Yeah, I could do that. And then there would be like five cars on the farm with just great. But by the way, if that doesn't work, I think we got to go animal dump.

Yeah, I could do that too. We also catch a lot of skunks. Maybe I could throw a skunk. Now he's living in a dream world. I agree. I wouldn't say grab the skunk. Grab a skunk and get a hobo. A friend is a hobo. Same pitch. All right, so here's what we're going to do. Jake and I are going to cancel out our two wildest pitches. Agreed.

I'm now retracting my hobo. I'm retracting mine. And Jake is taking skunk off the list. Yeah, skunk and have a friend act like a hobo who lives in your trunk and wakes up on the highway. We don't need to make mine seem crazy. It would be in the backseat and he would have made it his own.

OK, so I and then I think if he like, again, I would just try after that if he's not good with it, I would try the cabinets. I think you might agree with him to come around. But I mean, again, we're dealing with a loose cannon already, so it's hard to tell. But what do you think of that, Megan? But also nobody wants to. He's a loose cannon. He doesn't want to have to go back and close his trunk. And I think the idea that there's more work when you have to leave is really why maybe be effective. Yes. So what are you thinking, Megan?

I think that I can do the opening of all the doors pretty easily and back it up with some animal poop if needed slash cabinet tree being open, which would drive me insane. So the cabinet won't last long. No.

Well, you'll have to dig deep for some of this because you are now fighting crazy with crazy. So you'll have to hang in there with this hunger strike for a minute. Will you do us a big favor and take photos of the car with everything open, please? Yes. So we can see the way we saw all the car doors open. Just to see what it looks like with everything on a car open would be...

And what I would really do is get some cat food and put it out back, and you'll get some raccoon life out there, and then you could really start scooping up some raccoon cat food in the car. Yes. Oh, boy. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. What, did we hit a new level? I think you just hit something great. You open everything no matter what, right? Yes.

Then if that doesn't work, when you walk by, throw feed in there. Yeah. Throw a little fancy feast in there. Guess what it'll get? Rats. Yeah. Just take a handful of cat food or dog food as you're walking by. Throw it in. Toss it. Just like you're feeding chickens. Just like you're feeding chickens is the exact image. If he walks out of his house and he's going to work and there's a goddamn raccoon sitting shotgun, he's going to go like, this is a problem I don't want to deal with. Yes. Yes.

And if he walks out there and goes, there's a bunch of rats in my backseat. And you go, there's a great solution. It's why doors were quite literally invented, my man. Obviously, we don't tell him about the cat food or the dog food. But then when he says that, you take your phone, you go, let me look it up.

You know, a lot of people are saying to close the fucking car door. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that's it. You go like this. This is a crazy problem. You got raccoons in your car. How could we possibly solve it? Close the door, you maniac. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right, Megan, you're going to win here. So start with the open. Let's not even do the dog crap. I think we got a bigger win than you. I didn't know it was dog crap.

Or any crap. Raccoon crap's tinier. Small animal. You got bears in Idaho, don't you? Yeah, they got bears. You can do a little elk crap. By the way, I can mail you some elk shit if you need me to. I got a bunch of them here. But I say start with the doors and then if everything's open and he's fighting fire with fire and pretending he doesn't care, chicken feed his car. Yeah.

Okay. Walk by. Chicken feed with a little friskies. Sounds like a good plan. Parmesan is floor, babe. Parmesan in the car, babe. I mean, essentially, this is a Parmesan pit. 22% of my pitches are Parmesan pits. You cover the floor of that car with a little bit of parm. You know what you're going to get? Animals. And then when you're tossing it, just say to yourself, say when. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To him in your head. You beat his ass. Yeah.

All right, Megan, follow up with the photos and what happens on this, please. Please. Sounds great. Will do. Thank you guys so much. Thanks, Megan. Good luck. All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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