11: Less Finger Foods at the Orgy
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All right.

Here we are, Jake. We're doing it. Another episode, Garth. Another episode. Here we go. We got a fun one today. We got a fun one today. Yeah, we do. We do. And let's get into talking about it as soon as, again, just to follow up, you do owe me a little more. It's time to pay the piper a little bit more because, you know, you talk the biggest game.

when it comes to sports and most stuff. But part of the deal was you were going to wear some of the Green Bay Packers stuff because they're my team and your team is...

I wish I didn't get into this trauma. But but is there something you want to put on your head or first? I want to apologize to the audience for being so bored during this intro. OK, well, let me spike it. Holy cow. Kevin and I are looking at each other going, how do we cut all this out? Kevin is laughing. Put your hat on. Yeah.

There you go. Green Bay Packers. So funny to see. Oh, and it's the worst. My room is green. Oh, I look like I got a packer like man. You look like you're 11 with a beard.

You look like you're in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. A little boy in his little green room. I should have a neon sign that has like, you know, the Packers and a Miller Lite thing. Yeah, lightning kugels. It's just awful. So today, yeah, you got it. We've got two more episodes with this cap. This episode, we got a really fun one. We have a woman calls in. She's pregnant and she's got a predicament.

We've got a, uh, somebody who deals with a fruit stand. That is pretty fun. Fruit stand nightmares, fruit stand nightmares. Uh, and then we have a followup. So if you have not listened to episode seven yet, uh,

which is Kevin. What's the name of that one? Go quick. Kevin, what's the name of it? You're on this. We're dealing with Michael Jordan. Ooh, we're dealing with Michael Jordan. So give that one a listen to first because it'll inform this one because the caller calls back.

Yep. So we have a three call show. And again, we just thank everybody for listening, subscribing, continue to share. It helps us out a lot. Comments, all that stuff. We see it. We appreciate it. And go pack. Go. Jordan, love is overrated. Play me my theme song. I don't think you're legally allowed to say that. Play me my theme song.

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Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Really good. Can we actually just start by figuring out who you are? So what is your name? Where are you from? And how old are you? My name is Regina. I just turned 35. I'm currently in Pennsylvania, but that's new. I grew up in New York and was there forever.

Okay. And while you're on with Jake and Gareth, you know the deal. We're here to help, so how can we help you? I am currently quite pregnant. I'm due at the end of October.

But my husband and I have always been interested in, I guess, swinging, experimenting, other women, other men, whatever. In 2020, we did have a couple we used to play with. They were great. We stopped. We moved. And I'm like, I want to find us new playmates before I can't play for a while. I actually found us a...

sex club that turned out to be five minutes away from where we just moved. We moved in like April and we've been to a couple of parties. My problem is I chicken out when it comes to women. No, Regina, I think your problem is, is you're seven months pregnant. There's

I think there's two problems on this one. There's a lot coming at us fast. That's the easy part. I barely even know I was pregnant. I've been lucky. I feel like a rookie in the NFL adjusting to a pass rush. There was so much just coming at us. I was like, this game has to slow down. So and the couple that you guys had been swinging with in 2020, that ended because of proximity.

That ended for a few reasons. One, proximity. One, we liked him. We didn't like her so much. They actually ended up getting divorced. She was much more pushy in their lifestyle than he was. And we're still friends with him. We get along great. But because of proximity and he's seeing someone else,

We're probably not going to be seeing him for a while. Regina, can you walk us through this sex club that's five minutes from your house? Is that somebody's house? Is it an actual club? Can you paint a picture of it? Think of a giant house party or frat party, what I would imagine to be a frat party. A lounge area, a pool, whatever.

You have to pay a membership. It's very secret. I cannot disclose the location. But, you know, you sign up for the membership. You register for the parties. You go. You attend. They have great turnout. And we are meeting. Like, we are making friends. I am definitely making friends. We've been to a couple of parties.

is there like a snack area at these things just so i can kind of get the regular lay of the land a little bit they actually serve dinner gross they have dinner it's very nice is it good dinner yeah gareth stop on the food hold on jake hold on hold on are you hungry with all the information we just heard you're asking about the buffet can i just do my thing and then you can jump in with your stuff go ahead now what are you talking like a full dinner

Yeah, the dinner's great. It's home cooked. Apps and sides and everything? Home cooked? Who's cooking it? They get the trays of food. They get the sternos. Trays. Wait, does one couple cook all the food, then place it out, and then fuck everybody? I actually think it's one woman that does most of the cooking. Are you getting wine? Is there alcohol served at the dinner?

It's BYOB, but that's another one of my problems. You can't drink. I cannot partake in any of that. Because you're seven months pregnant with a child.

Yes. Yes. They have a big, it's a big dining room table. Is that kind of the setup? And you're all kind of sitting around chewing the fat before you're. Shut the fuck up about the food. Buddy. There is a dining room table. Okay. Candles? There's some other tables. Okay. No candles. That might be a fire hazard. Regina, can I ask another question? What is the membership to a sex club where you can eat food, but bring your own beer? What does that cost per month? So it was an initial fee for,

that I can't remember. And then I think it's like 85 per party per couple. Okay. So you're, you're spending about a hundred bucks to get in. It's like a really nice gym. You go there, you eat some great food, you fuck, you do your thing. Your question is today, how do you get over your fear of being with random women at the club? Is that correct? Or what's the question?

like approaching them my husband tries to be like the best wingman um and he's like oh you know i'll go tell her for you and i'm like no don't and i just pull him back i'll tell you how you shouldn't do it don't walk up and go in two months i'm about to deliver a baby yeah that's already no is in the sex community is being pregnant a thing

You know what's funny? I actually thought that that would help me out. Interesting. No one seems to look down on it at all. Respect to this community. Just fucking party, fuck each other, who cares? It's probably a very open community. They never serve ribs at the dinner, right? I just want to get that question out of the way and then I'll fully move on. There have been ribs. That's a sloppy note before the sloppy session. People are eating finger foods with like...

ribs. That was a special occasion. That was like an all day party. So they had like a lunch with like barbecue ribs. The idea of a group of people at a sex club eating like buffalo wings and ranch sauce and then being like, oh, I'm pregnant as fuck. And then being like, let's everybody get in the hot tub.

Regina, this has become a fucking nightmare for me to hear. It's a really good community. Like, there's zero judgment. No, I think that's what's... Regina, here's the beauty of this call from our end. You're going to have the devil and the angel because Gareth is all in. I don't think his dick has ever been harder when you said buffet and all these people and as cheap as 85 bucks. But I am going to be on the other side of this one. So you will get a little bit of both.

I'm into it. So let me ask you this. You don't have to eat. That's true. That's true. You're going to want it. It's like it's like a marathon. You want to carve up a little bit. Now, when you were swinging with that other couple, were you and the woman were you getting it on?

We did. Yeah. So this is really more about your ability to approach. You feel like you're not very good at the icebreaker. Maybe you don't have the confidence. Do you think the pregnancy is affecting that confidence? Do you think?

No, actually. Is it a confidence thing? It's totally irrelevant. Yeah. I think some of it is. I mean, like, it's also that one woman was the only woman I was with. Like, I think it would be much easier for me to approach a man because I know I know what I'm doing there. I think I could lead out with something. Gareth, can you? OK. Yeah. Well, one more question. Yeah.

So you. Is it about the food? Regina, I'm 100% with you. It's about the napkins. If it's about the food, let's take a five minute break. Go get something to eat and let's come back to this podcast, Gareth.

My question was not going to be about the food, but why don't you just jump in anyway, Jay? So here's kind of, you know, just a basic starter, right? You're at a sex club. You spent the money. You ate some ribs. You've already been with a woman. You're looking for new playdates. You got to do it fast because, you know, you're about to have a baby. You're nervous to go up to women. You said your husband is a great wingman. So what if he just walked up to another couple and said to the man,

My wife would love to be with your wife. Is that something you guys are good with? Then the three of you turn, see you, Regina, seven months pregnant, eating buffalo wings in a corner, and they go, yabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-yah!

And this sex party gets a rolling. You said he's a good wingman. Well, that's why you have a partner. Have him break the ice for you. And then once you get started... I chicken out. Oh, you do? Chicken. I do. I'm like, don't go over there. Why, Regina? I actually think that one of these girls, she's texting me before the party. So are you going to do anything tonight? Are you going to come downstairs tonight? I'm like, I think I have an in. I just need that, like...

All right. I got advice. Gareth, jump in if you got something, but I got something. I think that's what you need to do. I think here's my play for you. There's something about it that's scaring you, but you want to do this, right? You want to be with a lady, correct? Oh, hell yeah. So why don't, rather than do it at a sex party, why don't you just have a three-way at your house and have your husband bring them? And if you're feeling nervous, just watch them, but just start doing it.

I doubt he'd go pick someone up without me. But couldn't you go through the sex? Isn't there like a mailing list? Couldn't you email that chef and say like, hey, I know you got a party. Can I pay 15 bucks extra to get an email list? Because yes, I do want to fuck at a Buffalo Wings party. But in the same sense, I wouldn't mind having an appetizer in my house.

Is that something that this sex club permits? Can you, are you allowed to mingle outside of the house party? We have a group where we all chat. Oh, you're already on a chat, Regina? I'll tell you what's hot, Regina. Say on that group chat, I'm feeling really nervous, but I would love somebody to come over. And I guarantee a bunch of those ladies are going to love driving the train. And you're the train.

I'm the pregnant train. You're the pregnant train. Yeah, you're the full car. What do you think of that, Regina? Is that helpful? I probably could. And I think it might be easier being in the chat because some of the girls that, you know, were super hot, we're chatting already. Yeah. I would, I think, you know, the thing I've always thought about this, like when texting with a woman, like,

Even if you're going to ask someone out via text, to me, texting and online dating has made getting rejected so much easier because you don't need to get it right in your face. You don't need to feel that. It's like it's wanted. I wouldn't say get it right in your face during this. Get it right in the face. You don't need to get it right in the face unless you go to a sex party with Rids and that's what you want. Okay.

of my goal here. Yeah, I think Regina's looking to get it in the face and give it in the face. It's a lot of face. Here's my question. How close are you with the people who run the sex club? The people who run it? Not so much. Yeah, not so much. OK, my angle is going to be maybe giving them a heads up and seeing if that can kind of like

I don't know. I don't like, you don't want to go to the point where you feel like you're like a charity case at the thing. But I also think if you're, I think I kind of would love to be a charity case at a sex club. My name is Jake. I'm feeling nervous. I would love people to pity fuck me. And here tonight we have Jake Johnson. He's a little,

shy but he's really looking to get fucked everybody I don't know what to do I've had a ton of chili tonight does anybody want to fuck me Jake don't talk anymore I also have you tried in the group chat saying anything along the lines of like

Playing up the fact that maybe you feel you're not sure if women are attracted to you because you're pregnant. No, that's not where I would go. I thought you were going in a direction. Well, what did you think I was doing? I thought you were going to just go to the chat and say, hey, I'm just going to be totally honest. I'm all in. I'm really nervous to approach women.

Is there anybody that, you know, has advice or could come over and talk to me about this? I'll pour you a glass of wine. How about this? How about any advice for the next party? I mean, I think that is such a that's such a veiled way of saying,

Women come to me. Exactly. On me. So Regina, here's where we're at. Do you think you would be willing to reach out to your chat group and be a little honest and ask for somebody to do a little appetizer before or advice? Is that a move you might go down? I could probably definitely reach out for the advice part. Do you want to put a text together right now and do as a group and get you over this fear and get you started? Yeah.

send it feel good about it because guess what we could hang up and you can go that was fun i'm not doing it i'm so nervous and you're in a circle or you can turn on your phone oh no online i'm a different person okay so then would you uh open the group text right now and we're gonna have you send a photo of this to our email and we are not going to email any of them but just as some proof after you send it can you open up your group chat please

Okay, I'm in. Gareth, will you start what she should say to the group? Okay. And Gareth, be sexy, and would you do it in Regina's voice, please? Oh, God. All right, okay. Well, the pressure just stepped up because obviously I was going to start with the menu. But okay. Hey, everyone. Will there be ribs? Last week's coleslaw was unreal. No. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.

I don't know if you could tell this, comma or parentheses, and I hope not, but I've been a little timid about approaching women at the parties at the house, period. I don't mean to over ask, comma, and forgive me if I am, but would anyone have any good tips on how I could approach some single or no, some women at the next event, question mark?

I just really, really want to get down with a sexy lady. Regina, what do you think of a letter like that? Oh, I'm typing as he goes. Okay, so now let's take a moment. And when you're ready, will you read us what you've written? I wrote, hey, everyone. Not sure if you can tell, but I'm so timid approaching women at the party. Any tips for going up to some of you gorgeous ladies? I think that's pretty fucking good.

And then will you hit send?

And you don't have to if you don't want to. But I think, to me, I think that message... It's up? It's up. There we go. There we go. Will you follow up with us and let us know what's happening, please? I know we're on a time crunch until this baby comes, but our goal on this show is, your friend, is to get you laid as many times as possible until that baby comes, Regina. And the over-under that Gareth and I are going to make a bet on is...

I'm going to say you're going to have three great sessions before that baby comes. Gareth, you want the over and under on that? Would you take three sessions, Regina? Would that, you'd be up for that? Um, yeah. All right. Well, based on that answer, I'm going over as well. Jesus Christ. So let me make a little thing about our sponsor, DraftKings. Just kidding. Regina, thank you for the call. Please follow up with us. Thank you, Regina. Congratulations. That was really good. Thank you so much. Bye, Regina. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Hi. Hi, you're on with Jake and Gareth. Can we ask you your first name? Melissa, M-E-L-I-S-S-A. Thank you. You don't have to spell it. For the record, I would spell it that way for the record. That's the traditional spelling. Okay. Thank you for the record, Melissa. And where are you from and can you please spell it?

I'm from Dallas, Texas. Why are you calling today? What's the issue? So my sister has a friend and she runs, her and her family run a fruit stand down in our hometown. And she gloats about it all the time and says that it's the best. But I had heard rumors that it's not. So me and my sister went to check

We went to check it out ourselves. And while we were there, we got a full tour and everything. And they have a freezer in the back. Now, my niece said that the freezer was not clean at all. And so when we went to check it ourselves, she took us back there. And I noticed that the freezer, as well as the outside, was caked in mold and

And it's disgusting. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, Melissa. You're telling me they've got a fruit stand that they're bragging about, but they keep things in a moldy, disgusting freezer. Is this what we're hearing? Correct. Okay. Can please keep going? I'm going to fucking barf. As we were going in there, I noticed her father was a little bit hesitant and was like, Hey, you don't really need to show them like all of our sand, which I mean, afterwards I could understand why.

And as we walked out, I just questioned if I should contact a health inspector to check it out due to the knowledge of knowing that like it's disgusting. I feel guilty that people are going and buying the fruit there and knowing that it's bad. And I talked to family members and they were just like, well, it's their only source of income. So I would just leave it.

but i kind of i don't know this is very this is really quite a predicament yeah so your sister has a friend and the only reason you care about this is because they brag about how great the fruit stand is and you've had to hear about this fruit stand and how amazing the fruit is

And from the friend, from the friend. Okay. Right. Okay. And it's just been a thing that hangs over your head about how great their frigging fruit is and how amazing it is. And then you figured out that the Joneses ain't as great as the Joneses are pretending to be. Is that what the kind of core of this call is? Correct. And then you're thinking, so now that I know that the Joneses have a moldy freezer, I'm

Do I wrap them out to health inspectors? Very principled. Melissa, I got to tell you, at least where I'm from, snitches get stitches. Yeah, there's a rat in the freezer and on the call. And snitches end up in ditches. How much mold are we talking? Like an overwhelming amount of mold or you're just like in the corner like that doesn't look right.

overwhelming. Like you walk through the mold to get into the freezer. Have you ever eaten the fruits? No. Did they want you to eat the fruit while you were there? Were they like, try some peach? And you were like, um, I can't. Like, cause you knew about the mold or that never happened. I think she asked me to try a strawberry and I lied and I said I was allergic. Smart. Wow. Have you Googled their fruit stand and sick?

A Google search on the name. So what I would consider doing, because I've worked in a couple of restaurants and what I got to say about, I used to cater on boats here in Los Angeles. And what I got to say is the kitchen area of the most of your favorite restaurants are pretty disgusting. It's bad. And so I don't really know the mold game. I don't know the fruit game. I would feel pretty bad if a family friend of yours got taken down.

because of advice that we gave on this, but I'd also feel really bad if somebody got sick. So I think what you might want to do is do some private investigator work. Could you maybe just do some research and see if this is a thing? And if you can't find anything, the thing that I would, my two cents would be on this side of the call of the Jake and the Jake and Garfield on this is I think you got to try the fruit and see if you get sick because it might be...

Is that insane? Is that insane? Well, I like the Googling idea. I think that's a good idea. But okay, but let's say she Googles it and she finds out that, yeah, people are saying they're getting sick. Is the next thought that she does report it to the... It's such a difficult position because to what Jake said, it's like there's so... I mean, if you ever watch one of these like kitchen rescue shows or like whatever, it's disgusting what goes on in most restaurants. So...

The livelihood of a family friend versus the magnanimous move to just tell everyone to never eat there again is very difficult. My instinct is that you just take it to the grave. And I know that's bad, but it's like people almost have to determine what works for them. I mean, go to any grocery store. There's people taking olives out of the salad bar. We're just a lot of psychos who don't necessarily think about what we're putting into our bodies anymore.

You know, any day if McDonald's wouldn't exist, if we like followed this thread further. But I almost feel like you got to just put it out of your head. It is terrible to be on record as being like, let the people get sick. Do you genuinely in your heart of hearts, do you want to call the health inspector on them? A portion? Yes, because I am a bit concerned. But on the other hand, I could kind of do without. So.

What do you think would be your best play? Because a disgusting moldy freezer making people sick is a nightmare. Yeah. Is there a version here where anonymously you post something and say like...

"Hey, I got a little bit sick. I'm afraid it might be mold. I hope they check it out." So it's not getting them shut down, but it's just putting the fear of God in them a little bit that they might have to check out their stuff. And you just say like, "Hey, I went there. I was really excited. I got really sick. I hope this isn't happening to others. The last time this happened was when..." I mean, you're starting to get too specific here, but if you say like, "I had some old bread. I have a mold allergy."

That is a very good solution. I would even veil it a little more. What if you started a, again, hopefully you have some time. Are they on Facebook or anything like that? Do you know, like, is the fruit, does the fruit stand have a Facebook? Are they on Fruitbook? Does that exist? I think they do. Okay. Maybe make a fake Facebook and message them directly and say, I got really sick from some of your fruit.

I noticed there was mold on it. Does your fruit mold? Something like that that just kind of sets off a little bit of an alarm bell over there.

Then I feel like maybe you've done the middle ground. What I like about that is you didn't even post it. You went to them directly. And then Melissa, if they don't answer back in a satisfactory way, then maybe you post. Yeah, right. Before you take down this business, I would throw a couple of warning signals first. Yeah, I like that. And what do you think you're going to do?

I think I'm going to make a fake account and message them. What do you think you're going to name your fake account? I got sick from bad fruit, from moldy fruit even, or clean moldy freezers. This is the profile name? Yeah. She just made this profile to send them a thing.

I want I think you should have a real name. I think you create even a picture. Let's catfish. You know what I mean? Let's cat fruit. Hey, let me go. Let me go there. Go for it. I think fake profile, fake picture. And then it's like you're a random person who went there and then you just message them like, hey, I'm Jane Seymour, not the actress. I get that all the time. But I ate some of your strawberries and my bowels have declared war on me.

What's up with your freezer? Something like that. So Melissa, going back to you on this one, do you think you're going to go for a name such as I had moldy fruit and got really sick and I have zero Facebook friends? And if you look me up, there's no photos and they're probably going to think,

I don't know. It might be that girl's sister who we brought into the freezer who wouldn't eat a strawberry and pretended to have allergies. You do not want that. That's what we're looking to avoid. Yes. Catfishing is better. It's definitely better. I would catfish a little bit, but here's what I'm going to warn you about catfishing.

If it's a guy or a woman, whatever you do, writes back and you guys start getting flirty back and forth. Yeah, no. Don't go down this road. It's not a happy ending. You will be revealed. Yeah. Don't start. Yeah. Do not create this whole backstory where, you know, you had a history in the fruit business. Sure, you'd love to meet up and connect, but you can't. You broke both your legs. Maybe in March. And then they say, let's FaceTime. And you say, my camera's broken. And it starts a whole dance.

Melissa, Kevin, our producer, hopped on and mostly when he hops on, he has staggering advice or an opinion. So you got anything here? Hi there. I only hop on for the catfishing advice parts too. So this is kind of my segment. Like what the guys are saying, don't have this be your first post. You might need a little bit of a backstory if people are seeing this is your only post. So feel free to give some

positive reviews to other places, maybe talk about family members or bad dates that you went on, but the food was still good. Recommend a podcast or two. Yeah, podcast and email where people can call in if you want to do some guerrilla marketing for us. But here, so Kevin, I think that's a good idea, but I'm going to pop a hole in it. And that is there would be 15 reviews of restaurants that were all positive all in one day because they're dated.

So it'd be like, had a wonderful date. My son's graduation was incredible. The zucchini sticks were great. Also, your place has mold in that weird basement where I toured last week. I just, I'm afraid. What I don't want to do is put Melissa in a bad situation here. That's a great point, Jake, which I have another idea based off of that. Your first review needs to be, can't believe I'm doing...

10 dates in 10 days. And then we kind of see the history of like date four is going well. Like he loves this podcast. They love this podcast. Great. Kevin, you're checking all the boxes. This is great. Yeah. So Melissa, you've now gotten some different advice. The question now goes to you, the star of this call and the only person who's, you know, the meat and potatoes were the appetizers. What are you going to do?

I might take Kevin's suggestion. Cool. Can you do us a favor if you do that? And can you take screen grabs of all your fake ones and send them to Kevin, send them to our email? Absolutely. Melissa, we're going to let you go. Good luck to you. Keep us updated. And we hope we gave you a little bit of help. Thank you so much.

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I spoke French when I was in high school and all that stuff. And then I had completely forgotten it. So I use Babel and French is coming back. As a matter of fact, the other day I was in Toronto doing a show and talked to a French person from the stage.

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Hey, you got Russell here. Russell, how are you doing? Russell, you're with Jake and Gareth. Gareth, we remember Russell. I was going to say, I think I know who you are. Let's just confirm that with City. And give me a title. I'll tell them. Minneapolis. Rec League? Yes, that's right. What's up, Russell? Russell. 33 from Taking Cookies FC here. Back to represent a little bit. Taking Cookies.

All right, Russell, let's cut the shit. Hold on, Russell, let's cut the shit. What's going on with taking cookies? Where are we at? Guys, I got some great updates for you. Give us all of them. Should we recap it all, Jake? Yeah, Gareth, will you do a quick recap?

So basically, Russell called us and the issue was that he felt like maybe he was taking his rec soccer league a little too seriously, kind of aged him up a little bit because some of the younger guys he felt maybe thought he was a little bit of a clown because he was given, you know, maybe some intense speeches and.

And our advice was basically like own it, maybe end the season with some awards. And if they think you're a little silly, take it seriously. It's a rec league. But if you take it seriously, it can be MLS or professional soccer. It could be Premier League in your head. That basically is a pretty good synopsis. Russell, what do you think?

I'd say so. There's a quick shout out, of course, to, you know, Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. If they want to get involved with Minneapolis Rec Soccer, you know, we could be a nice branch for them. But yes. So to be fair, you're trying to go above Jake and I, who have been nice enough to try to help you. And now you're like, yeah, actually, fuck you, Russell. Go get on their podcast. Call over. Look, I didn't know you guys were looking to get into soccer.

Hey, Russ, Russ, you took your shot and I hope it lands for them because we are no longer coming and we are no longer making a documentary about taking cookies. Yeah. You know what, Jake? I think we could do some stuff about like kickball leagues. That sounds a little more interesting. I think we should do Gareth. We should find taking cookies rival.

Yeah. Oh, there you go. Hell yeah. Okay, Russell, let's get back in it. We're really curious. What's going on with taking cookies? So the very next game after...

after I had a conversation with you guys, we did end up winning the championship. However, I did not give any pregame speeches, so I dialed it back for that because I had given one the week before, which worked. But yeah, we did end up winning the championship. So I directly attribute that to you guys. So basically what we're hearing here, Gareth...

is you took none of our advice and you won a championship. This is devastating for the podcast. Yeah, this is, but may I say- Russell, this is the worst I've seen ever. And you want to be with Rob and Ryan Reynolds over us. Russell.

That part stinks. What I love is your attempt to try to make it seem like we made things better for you. And then when we hear the actual influence we had, we did nothing. This is a disaster for us. All right, Ross, try to save us. I dialed in just that one speech because you said, look, you don't have to give this speech every game. But that speech was pre our call.

Okay, this is true. This is true. I have more. We did. We did schedule. So we have not only did we win the championship, but then we got a sponsor. Shout out to Black Sack Brewing in St. Paul, Minnesota.

You guys got a sponsor for our new kit. Yes, we got a sponsor for our new kits. And we scheduled our award ceremony to be hosted by Blackstack Brewing in St. Paul. Stop saying the name. We're beeping it out, you little rat. You know what, Russell? We see through you, man. You want Ryan Reynolds, you want Rob, and you want B.

company you know what we ain't suckers Jack everything you want everything you want this whole call might just be a bleep okay so you're gonna have an award ceremony and what are those awards gonna be my guy

since the episode dropped, there's been, we actually have a guy on our team that has massive calves that we all already are well aware of. And that happened to be one of your examples. So not only did we get a ton of nominations from our team, but even off of our team, everybody was texting me saying, all right, well, as long as, you know, Mike gets the fattest calf award, I think we'll be good to proceed there. So that was a good one. You also had one,

that you mentioned a guy most likely to get the next earring. I actually have purchased several earrings right before that podcast anyway. So that was, you're doing it again, Russell. You're doing it again. I'm leaning in because of that. He's moving deeper. He's going to give himself the earrings.

Okay. Yeah, I'm going to take that award. I'm going to sweep the award show, like you said. Yeah, it's all good. In addition to that, I think I may have leaned in maybe a little too hard because the very next game after the championship, there was a bit of an on-field scuffle, you might call it, where I might have gotten a little over-amplified. Ooh!

Yeah, just a bit. This is a win for the podcast, Gareth. Is it? Because, so hold on, let me get this straight. The game after the championship, you're getting so jacked up because of the goddamn pod that you're starting to fight in a men's rec league? Yeah.

That's a win for the podcast. That's a win. It's a game. Who's playing games after the championship? That's true. What kind of game is this? The next season starts right away. Oh, it starts right away. But we're basically creating a Pete Rose type. And that's what we want. Because if you don't have an animal on that field, then you're going to have a bunch of people who are doing it like... Look, look, here's what I'm okay with. Okay. I'm okay with us just pretending like we crushed this one.

But to me, it just sounds like a bunch of stuff. I understand, and I love you for it. You're getting best spin, no doubt. But it does sound like a bunch of stuff where we didn't really have any influence, but...

I mean, a little bit, but maybe because he's adding a couple earrings and has some trophies that were okay. Hey, Russell, so here's a... I need advice from you on this one. How do we spin this into a victory? Is it that you got in a fight after the championship? I'd say I was so pumped up on dialing it in and buying into being that guy that I, you know, I was so excited about it that I let my emotions get the best of me.

Jake, if our advice... I love you, Jake, and I love how you're getting that voice on. Let me be the spin doctor. I understand. Go ahead, Gar. But let's be honest. What you're celebrating right now is that we amped Russell up so much that he got to do a fight in the rec league, the game after the championship. And you feel like we're pulling a win out of that? I'm going to tell you why. Okay. Hey, Russell...

after you got in that little bit of the on-field scuffle what did it do for the rest of the team's intensity level it is exactly what it was so i picked my head up after i get after i do my part and then i get knocked down you know we don't know how it happened of course big you know no one knows i think you guys banged into each other and then he knocked you on your ass or he pushed you did

Did you lose the fight? And you have a bunch of earrings. Russell, did you lose the fight? Wait, did you come on this podcast, get a bunch of earrings and get your ass kicked? Russell, tell me you got your ass kicked. That's going to be hard to spin, my guy. I'm going to let you guys make the determination here. I think you got beat up. Walk us through the fight. Okay, this guy comes down. We're up 5-0 at this point at the end of the game. He comes down.

the field I uh I try a kind of a trick move on him it doesn't pay off he gets the ball from me I kind of tackle him from behind like a cheap foul I give away a free kick he takes the free kick they score on the free kick me and him are looking at each other I kind of give him the shrug a smile I'm like hey you got me like I made a bad foul you guys scored that

That's crazy. All good. He keeps looking at me. He's walking closer and closer. His hand extends out. Does kind of like the, uh,

like the Italian kind of face slap that may be interpreted differently. He slapped you in the face. The condescending slap. But he backhanded your face? No, no backhand. Like the cup almost. But like a tap on the cheek. Oh, I understand what you're saying. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And so, and then he kind of walks away and I'm like, wait, he's just, okay, I can't have that. And so now somebody touching your face is crossing a line. Maybe he was just trying to check out some of these new earrings. Okay. So he touches your face. He walks away and then he pulls, he pulls my ear. He walks away. I, uh,

I go, all right, I can't believe that just happened. I run and I put him in a headlock because I'm not going to swing or anything. I'm still dialing. Putting in a headlock is just as aggressive, my man. Running up to a grown man. I think we're escalating. I think we're escalating. Right now you are wildly out of control. So I throw him in a headlock and then one of his teammates runs up and kind of like

pushes us down uh i go down i i pick my head up and here's where it comes jake the uh what it did for the team i pick my head up and i see uh one of my teammates you know down the field kind of like in that squaring up position where he's kind of why yes he was because now you're a team because now you're a team

Exactly. He kind of, he widens the stance. He gets, you know, the fists are kind of cocked, but low. Russell, what's this guy's name who squared up for you? There's my buddy to Sergio. To Sergio gets an MVP. Yep. Maybe not for the season, but for having a teammate's back.

Yep. Yep. I'm loving that. That's a good award. So he squares up, then what happens? So he squares up, but the guy that pushed, he squares up to the guy that kind of pushed us down because he just started running away. The guy ends up continuing to run away. So nothing ended up happening. Because you don't fuck with taking cookies.

Exactly. You try taking cookies from taking cookies. We take your fucking cookies. OK, so I'm going to jump in for a second. And Russell, it's it's it's great. It's a great update.

It's kind of a... I'll be honest, it's not much. But I think Jake is... Jake's doing what I think we want to do, which is we want to find our wins on this podcast. And so, you know, Jake is really looking for the win. And I'm not going to take that away from you, Jake. So, yes...

We really did influence. But to some extent, I feel like the real trick move here is what Russell tried to pull on us by telling us that we sort of changed the trajectory of the season where he took none of our advice and then they won the championship. And then he put a guy in a headlock. And here we are. So I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

Are you on our team or are you that other guy hitting me in the face? I'm on our team. Are you taking from taking cookies? Jake, he wanted Rob McElhaney and Ryan Reynolds to be involved. Don't just control him. So do I. Look, me too. Me too. Me too.

want to be in their goddamn talk also so do i that sounds awesome i'm getting you guys jerseys regardless i love it so in conclusion my friend i'll wear it we'll wear them on the pod yeah so in conclusion you get in that fight your team uh kind of takes your back a little bit yeah is there anything after that or is that where we stand now

That's where we stand now. Look, we got a lot of momentum from the app drop and a lot of the team chemistry is at an all time high. Disney Heights team chemistry. Can I give you some advice before the next game?

Yeah. And don't take it, but pretend you do. Go ahead, Jake. I want you to stand up before the team and I want you to give a sincere thank you to the guy who had your back and the rest of the team. And I want you to say that your emotions got the best of you, but it meant the world to you that you knew that that rest of that team had your back and

And you're sorry that you sometimes get too passionate and you're going to try to do better, but it really means a lot to you that they had their back and then say, now let's go out there and kick some fucking ass. And I think this team is going to run through a brick wall together. I think you guys just started a dynasty. If there's a 30 for 30 on taking cookies, the fight you had would be the pivotal moment.

Well, thank you, Russell. I guess we'll do another check in. And my guess is it'll probably be a little like this one. But, you know, it's definitely a mixed bag. But Russell, I'm with you 100 percent. Let's not listen to Gareth. You go get that speech. Yeah, we're winning right now, my guy. We're winning back to back championships. I guarantee it.

It's a defense tour, all the W's here. I appreciate it, fellas. We'll see if we talk again. Good luck, guys. Thanks, buddy. Talk to you later.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.