12: Fake Jake and Real Jim Jefferies
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All right, welcome to

Welcome to a new episode of We're Here to Help, and boy, the senses are overwhelmed on today's episode. We are. Starting off, Jake, you are wearing a Green Bay Packers hat. You've got your Packers shirt. I mean, this is just, I like you more than I've ever liked you. That's what's amazing. We have a very fun episode. It's so effective. We have a fun episode. We can't even spend time talking about how great you look as that because this episode- It's a big one. It's a big one. It's bonkers. It's bonkers.

Well, why don't we start by saying we have a very special guest for our first call. Truly one of the greatest comedians around who's been around for a while, but still very prolific. Jim Jeffries is our guest. He has a podcast called I Don't Know About That. He also wanted us to say that he's on tour constantly. So you can go to jimjeffries.com for tour information. And we have a very...

spirited call with someone trying to spice it up. He is so funny. And he's so funny. He's just the best. He's a killer. And then our second call is based off something that happened on Instagram. That if you follow me on Instagram or you follow Gareth on Instagram, you might have seen a little bit where there was a fake Jake. There was somebody in a bar who was pretending to be me. And today we interview the people who met fake Jake and

And we're putting it under the umbrella of their question is, was that you? So it does work on the show. It does work on the show. Well, and it's also, I think it's also maybe a meta episode because for you, it's sort of like, what do you,

What do we do now? What's the move? There's a fake Jake. What do we do now? So we're trying to get some more information. We want to talk to fake Jake. As well as fake Jake, please. We're looking for you. Come. We're not principals. We want to talk to you. Yes. All fun. All fun. So check out this episode. We appreciate you guys sharing this.

We appreciate you guys listening. It's been a load of fun, and I guess that's it. This is a banger, so sit back, get ready. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller...

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Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You are on with Jake Gareth and our guest for this episode, the great comedian, one of the most prolific comedians in the business, Jim Jeffries. So no pressure. Oh, yeah, no, the pressure's not on at all. No. No, this is just a normal call. Don't worry about it.

I feel so relaxed now. Just be calm. It's just Jake Gareth and one of the greatest comedians of our generation, Jim Jefferies. So can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from? So I am going to go by Amy. That is not my real name, in case somebody happens to hear this. I'm 32, and I live in New Hampshire. Why don't you tell us why you're calling? What can we help you with?

So I was looking for your help. Um, my husband's birthday is coming up in November. Um, and I was looking to surprise him with maybe some, uh, bedroom role play. This is a totally new thing for us. This is something that we've never done before, but I'm, well, this is going to be new and exciting. Um, but I have no imagination. Um,

And so I need a character and a storyline. And so I felt like third party would be the best way to go for this. And I'm fully committed. So you're going to 100% what we all agree on this call, you're going to do and then you're going to follow up. Is that what you're saying?

Absolutely. I am committed. I'm thinking Ava Braun and Hitler just to start off with. That's the first option. That's a first pitch. But Jim, who's who? How's your moustache going, Amy? How's it going?

I also like how Amy went, I'm from New Hampshire. I'm 32. My husband's birthday is in November. I think he's going to crack the code if he hears it, if he hears the voice. I think you've left enough clues, Amy. I don't think changing your name is going to be. Especially when she puts on that like Ava Braun outfit. He'll be like, yeah, no, that was you. That was you. Let me ask you this, Amy. How long have you been married?

We have been married for five years. And no role-playing ever? No, but we are very active. We're all over the map, so this is just something new on the docket. Explain what that means. You're all over the map. You're very active, but no role-playing. Can you walk us through what that means? We're just trying to help. Like you go to Connecticut to beg, too? I picture they have a large map like a war room, and they show you that. Yeah, you've got a Rand McNally bed set.

We're not a sexually boring couple. Okay. So you've sort of explored. Well, let's see what that means, Garf. Sure. Jake, if you want specifics, Amy, let's dance. Amy, are you talking swinging? What do you mean you explore?

No swinging. We're waiting until about 10 years to go there. I'm sure someday we'll head down that rabbit hole, but we don't have to go there yet. Can I give a small bit of advice on the swing? Do it while you're young. You don't want to join the party too late. It's true. Do it while the other couples are still into you. Then you can make friends within the community, and then in 10 years' time, you can still do it. Don't leave it to the last minute. You don't want to leave limping.

Or go the other way. Or start at 16, just fuck a bunch of 60-year-olds and say, we're going out with a bang.

Already some really good advice, so thank you. I'll let him know. So you guys are a little kinky? Is that what we're picking up on? Yes, that's right along the lines. Everything except for, you know, no fire. Fire and fucking don't really work for us, but, you know, that's kind of where we draw the line. We're all drawing the line there, I think. I don't think any of us are into the fire fuck.

I've never met a person who's done that. You know what I do? I love fucking and then the woman burns me. Like a girl comes over to my house and I'm just holding a can of gasoline and a lighter like, oh, we're in for a good night here. I'll tell you what I've also never done in my darkest hours, Googled hot milf and burning people. Yeah. The Google search on that is zero. I call it the Australian bushfire. Yeah.

The Australian bushfire. I'm sorry. That actually has a lot of views. And as soon as we hang up, I'm Googling that. Jake will be masturbating to hurt koalas by the end of this show. He's like, oh, that was a letdown. All right. So, Annie, tell us a little bit about your husband. Give us a fake name for him. We're going to go with Tim. Tim. Okay. So he is a gigantic nerd.

He is in to everything from... We're going to go with from Lord of the Rings to anime to...

Magic, The Gathering, Dungeons & Dragons. Sure. Going to go, yeah. You brought receipts for that nerd claim. So, yeah, so the role play is going to have to do something to do with fantasy, right? Like fantasy, like Dungeons & Dragons or Lord of the Rings. Yeah, I fear that I might end up doing an accent too. Ooh. Yeah. Do you have any accents in the chamber that you could...

I don't know, that you could shoot a little bullet off so we can get a sense of what we're working with here. If you're a piece of clay, what do we got? Well, I'll give you a little tip, right? Because Lord of the Rings was made in New Zealand, and I don't think there's a sexier accent. If you could get that accent going, that will make him hard as a rock. I'm going to flick your brains here. Watch Rhys Darby perform and try to emulate that. That's the voice you want to get going. LAUGHTER

I can do French pretty well. Let's hear a little bit of French. Oh, geez.

Oh, maybe this is a little bit harder. I think you're doing French Canadian. By the way, it's kind of turning me on. Oof, geez, this is getting a little bit harder. That's really fancy there. I'm excited. Yeah, okay, well, maybe not. All right, so I guess it froze up a little bit there, so that's not going to work. You need a bit of practice. It doesn't mean because you can't do it now, you won't be able to do it then. Yeah, I think... Practice, practice, practice.

Yeah, he'll be asking questions maybe when you're around the house going like, oh, Big Potato. He'll be like, what's going on? You know, but then the night of the reveal. Here's the reality of all role play. It all starts off and it goes about three or four minutes before you start fucking and then it all goes out the window. You don't need a big repertoire. You just need the, hello, I'm a nurse. Well, yeah.

The fantasy for him is a guy who wants to fuck a nurse. That's the whole thing. The costume is going to come off and then it'll be very similar to what it's always been. Like, fuck you doing something for him. What would turn you on in the role play? What do you want him to do?

I want him to be as quickly engaged and ask as few questions as humanly possible. So I want it to essentially be a play and for him to immediately be turned on and just kind of good to go.

you know, as yeah, as quick as possible. I want him to be ready to go. Okay. So Amy, in terms of the dynamic that turned you guys on, is there a power dynamic in it? Does one of you like being dominant? Does one of you like being submissive? If you guys are doing the fantasy kind of who's who? He is definitely the dominant one. And I'm most certainly the submissive one. And we are very comfortable with that dynamic.

I mean, can we go with like a nerdy magic school? Yeah. Can we go with like a little nerd who goes to a Harry Potter school and he's the king magician nerd with a wand that doesn't quit? Because, you know, Jim's dead right. You just need to set up the premise and once you touch his dick, the game's over. Yeah, the wand. Yep. Is there anything in that zone that starts anybody? I've turned on. Yeah, wand would be nice and easy. He might think that that would be a little bit too...

bit too easy. He'd be like, oh, come on. You can do better than that. So you want a little more swing for the fences? I could come up with that. I need a challenge. I got one for you. Your dress is Gandalf and then you go to spread your legs but then you go, none shall pass. I'm telling you. It's a winner. It's playing hard to get.

He's going to love the beard. That's the best one leading up to that moment when he's like, I'm not ready to fuck Gandalf. Come on, babe. OK, so you want something a little more ambitious. You're kind of laying the foundation for the fact that, yeah, he has nerdier taste. Do you have nerdier taste? Are you kind of inclined in that direction as well?

Not usually, but I'm willing to do it for him. Okay. I have a pitch just because it feels like you're, yeah, you've given us some good stuff, nerd stuff. I, um, okay. But why don't I ask you this question? What is his, uh, what is his feeling over extraterrestrials? Is he into that at all? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So this is a good question. Good question. So I'm going in this direction.

Jim's doing the E.T. finger. And if he does stick a finger in, you have to ask him to do it like that. And it better light up when he touches it. I'm going to pitch that you are an alien. Okay? And I'm going to go big. I want you in a sort of... Have you ever seen the film Earth Girls Are Easy? You're probably a little too young for that. But...

I saw that movie at a young age, and there was something about the Martian women that just has always stuck with me as attractive.

I feel like if you were to do some sort of silver costume, some sort of alien costume, kind of perk the girls up a little bit up front. And dare I say, we go with some like orange hair and some kind of green body paint. Nothing that's going to like, you know, nothing that you're going to need to get the sheets dry cleaned.

and explain it. But I think something like that. And you could just martian it up and be green and just, you know, just, I guess, bang him. I guess that's all I've got, you know? Just bang him.

I'm going to jump in on this one, Garf, a little bit because that one inspired something. I like what you're going with. I like that. I like that a lot. I'm going to go with a little bit of a twist on it. Now, I don't know your setup yet because I don't know the culture. I didn't watch Lord of the Rings and all that, but I know magic and I know nerds and I know that there's like the professor who –

puts a spell on everybody. So what if you guys set up a premise that he's some sort of a nerdy magician or some sort of a Lord of the Rings teacher, and he puts a spell on one of the students and creates mind control with you, and you are totally submissive to him. But you have a French accent, but anything he says under this spell, you do without thought.

And so it's as soon as he starts, there's no you guys, there's no embarrassment because your brain has turned off because of this magic spell. And all this geek needs to do is go like, and now your eyes days over and you guys. Oh, I want that. Yeah. He would be all about that. Amy, here's what I would push on that. You don't just go in the bedroom and do it. You do it all throughout the house. So you're in the kitchen, you're yourself. He goes like.

And just like that, you're in the kitchen, whatever he wants, you guys start to do it. I say even more. You do it in Ralph's early on in the afternoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like anywhere you are. Bus stop. Yeah. By the way, that's not bad. That's what it could be. You could give him a sexual wand for the day.

And let him know for that day he has the sexual wand. And that's not a euphemism for his cock. He has the sexual wand and he can cast whatever sexual spell or whatever sexual desire he has. And you, you will you will give in.

Yes. He will be all about that. That's, that's perfect. That's right, right up his alley. We might not be done yet. Jim, you got anything jumping out at you? What are we going to make her outfit be? And what's he, or is it just, he's a, he's a, just a magic guy. It's almost like the Scott Baio movie. Um,

What a deep cut. I think that's a good call, though. The outfits are pretty, I think, a good addition. I think definitely giving him some sort of, I mean, you could buy, yeah, you could buy some kind of.

some sort of like, you know, just kind of rent fair or three different looks. And so he can do his wand and then go, go put on option B and without thought, the little French mind controlled, you know, just cause like, okay, now here's my question for this characters. I think we can do outfits. I think we can do some mind control. I think we can do some magic with the wand. What's your little character's name?

Is she French? Do you know, I think we should have a little, you know, is there a name, Jim or Gareth that comes out that we could start building this essentially a French sex toy? Do you like that? She's French, Amy.

We have, we means yes in French. So you've already answered. So we haven't done the role playing thing before, but a slight theme when we have done, uh, things before, as we have said, you know, the French whore type thing. So French wouldn't be too far off. I got a question for you on this, Amy, because look, there's two, there's two people in this dance. What would turn you on? What kind of character do you want to play?

Is it the French whore? Is that what you, cause you gotta have to make this really work. You gotta have a ton of fun. Yeah, that would probably be the thing. All right. So quickly, we got some French names. I'm just going to throw out a couple. See if any of these work for you. We got like a Chloe. We've got an Emil. We've got a Juliet. We've got a Genevieve. Amy, did any of these turn you on?

I could do with Genevieve. You want Genevieve? Okay. I could roll with a Genevieve. Yeah. So guys, I think we're in a situation here where we have given some good advice. You can pretend to be an alien. You can pretend to be Genevieve, a French whore. And you guys set up the situation where he is a magician who puts you under a spell starting during the day. You can do it in a fucking Ralph's. You give him a 24 hour pass to get to Genevieve.

Gareth was saying maybe get a bunch of different outfits that Genevieve would wear. And that's part of the reveal that you just go, let me show you what Genevieve wears. And then you start the game and you commit. And part of the fun is you literally do it in a Ralph's. You get started. And I think that the outfit should have a bit of a rainbow to them, like a bit of a spectrum. So everything from the classic French maid right up to sort of dirtier bondage type of gear and something in between. Yeah, totally. Yeah, the boudoir outfit.

So, Amy, what do you think you're going to do here? I think the second option, not the alien, but the magic wand towards the French whore at the end of the day, that's going to be the trick. He's going to love that. Will you give us a follow-up after this night and walk us through what happened? Slowly. Absolutely. Sounds like he's a lucky feller. He's going to have a good night. Yeah, this is great.

And then what you should do is at the end of the 24 hours post-coital,

When he's just, his world has been rocked for his birthday. Just look to him and say, you know, a lot of that came from a podcast. And also because you're afraid to smoke a carton of cigarettes afterwards. Just the really, it's the subtle touches. Absolutely. You want to be having a good bang hack. Amy, thank you for the call. Jim, thank you for joining us. You're the best, man. Thanks for having us. Thank you, guys.

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Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O. What's up? Hi. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's not him. All right, so...

Hey guys, I'm Jake. This is the real Jake. This is Gareth. Could you guys tell us your names, please? Hi, so I'm Iona. I'm Jamie. And I'm James. So Jamie, James...

And Iona? Yes. Okay, so I'm going to start, Gareth, because our friend Gareth knows nothing about this story, okay? Yep. So I'm going to start with what happened on Instagram, okay? And Iona, James, and Jamie, jump in and interrupt whenever you feel like it if something's going sideways, okay? Don't be polite. Jump in. Right. Go ahead. So I got a DM from Iona who said, Hi, Jake. It was so nice meeting you guys the other night.

thanks for all the advice. I hope to see you at rain dance. So, you know, I've told you Garth, I'm trying to respond to people. I'm getting the link out. I'm having a little bit of fun with it. So that one jumped out and I go, what's rain dance. I mean, it seems like a solid question. Yeah. She wrote the festival.

Jacob sent them my information about working it. Wait, who did? Some guy named Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.

We're saying this as if he knows. I know. Thank you. Yeah, your two friends, right? Well, your two friends, Jake's two friends were Kenny and Jacob. And Jacob is the runner. What is he from? Mango? It's a company called Mango and they are a Viagra company. Yeah.

Okay, hold on. Slow down. We're going to the top. So hold on. We're starting over. We're starting over. We have not gotten there yet. So then she wrote, did we not meet in Edinburgh? And I wrote, no. And then she sent me a photo with some man. And Kevin, could you show Gareth that photo? Oh my God.

So then I wrote fake Johnson. Yes. I go, that's not me. That is so disappointed. I was so excited to meet you. And I wrote, what fucking advice did this guy give? And she wrote just so much about life. Oh my God. Crazy that he knew a lot about you and had me convinced the whole night. So now we are back to the group.

Yeah. Go ahead, Garth. Your first thing. Was he... It's amazing, obviously. This is great. Jake, you should have other guys out there spreading the word about the show. That's a great marketing goal. I mean, we are taking guerrilla marketing to the next level. We have 10,000 favorites. We need 10 or 11...

We've got 10,000 fake Jakes. Yeah, we've got 3,000 fake Garfys. We've got a couple Garrets. Hiring people for the fake Jake is great. This guy, fake Jake 1, pretended. Did he know you thought it was Jake Johnson? Can you guys start the night for us and walk us through? Yeah, I do.

So it started the night before. Yeah, so I'll let James explain it because I was at a music festival this past weekend and then this is on the Monday. I get a call from James and he's like, you'll have no idea who I met last night. You're going to go nuts. I love New Girl. I was so excited. He was like, you have to come out and meet this guy who wants to get drinks. The night before, so this is the Sunday night, I was out with Jamie and all the other boys and

And I leave and I go to a pub, like down the hill. And I see this guy at the bar who was, well not you, Big Jake, we'll call him Big Jake. And I walked up and I started buying drinks and he offered to buy my drinks. And I see his face and I'm like- - Not Jake, not Jake. That should have been a big red flag right away. - Buying drinks.

He buys my drinks and I'm like, I'm so thankful that he's bought my drinks. I give him a hug and I'm like, thank you so much. And he goes, oh, no worries. That's absolutely fine. And eventually I go and sit on the table with fake Jake and his two mates.

And we just get into like a really, really long conversation for like two hours about like life and what they do for a living and how he's an actor. Wait, hold on. So at this point, you have not done the, do I recognize? Okay. So fake Jake at this point is just a generous guy, an American friendly dude who's like, I'm buying drinks. I'm hugging strange men. Two things I got to let you know, anyone listen, I would never do.

We know that now. We know that now. If I see a random guy in a bar and I happen to go, I got you a drink. He goes to hug. I say pass. I just bought you a drink. We're not touching ears, my friend. Okay. It's intimate. It's intimate. Okay. So two hours, you're just talking life. Two hours? Yeah, but you're drinking. You're having fun.

We're just sitting there and then they're mentioning what they do for work. And he says, he says he does acted. And that's when it clicked in my head and I heard his voice as well, because I tell you what, the voice is exact. Even now, I'm thinking, I'm thinking you're having a sign. So it's, he's so good as fake Jake that right now you guys are thinking, I'm going to go fuck off. I was with you at the bar.

- We were all sat there like, watch this guy come on and just be like. - You were gonna be like, we got you. - Now I got one question for you guys. Do you guys have working eyes?

Yeah, that's a good question. No, I swear. Because he does not like me. The lighting in that picture is hot. Oh, the light. Okay. The lighting and the alcohol. The hat is good, too. And champ, but also imagining you in a jaunty hat. Like, this is funnier for me because I know Jake. But they don't. Okay, so two hours of chatting with the group. And then he goes, I'm an actor. And now the alcohol's hidden. A lot's connecting, right? There's a lot going on. Hold on. Hold on, man. I think I know you.

Just the way he said that. Yeah, I know. I owe you. It's like he's in the room again. Like he's in the room. So we're chatting and he's talking about how he's acting and then he's talking about New Girl and Spider-Man and how he's like- He's dropping credits. Dropping like things. And I didn't have a clue. Okay. I sort of like fast forward towards the end, two hours deep. And these guys are saying to us that, well, saying to me, he's going to be here for the next like three or four days.

until they leave. And they said, well, tomorrow night, they'll be out. They took, we exchanged Instagrams. Not with you, obviously, with Jacob. Oh, you have his handle? Yeah. No, we don't have. But you have his friend. We don't have his friend. Big Jake was very insistent he didn't get his number out. Of course, of course he didn't. But this was the link. This was the link we needed, my guy. Will you make sure to send that to Kevin?

Yeah. Okay, great. All right, keep going. Ooh, this is good. We just fucking became Murder, She Wrote on this fucking podcast. Murder, He Wrote. We just became a CBS procedural. Here we were thinking we were a movie advice show. It's time for a corkboard. It is time. But the next day, this is when I called her. Yeah, so then this is the Monday and I was...

just plan on like having an early night and then I get a phone call and he's like you have to come meet this guy like we're going out with them so we go and then Jacob is the CEO of Mango I'm like I just I just want to throw this out there especially Jacob if you're watching these were such nice guys oh yeah

There's nothing malicious. I got to say this because a bunch of people have reached out. You made that very clear. And that, you know, there was another person who was there who wrote about one of your friends. I wouldn't be blowing up this guy's spot and trying to get in touch with him. If he was like trying to have sex with all the chicks and Rob, it was like, it just sounds like they're doing a weird night where they created a

fake Viagra company and they're probably actors themselves and they're not hurting anybody. So that's why I was saying Garth. He's playing the part of Jake Johnson. Yeah. He is one of his acting roles is to be me in bars. It's a really weird documentary with no cameras. And this for your ego must be nice too. You're at that level where the, well, let's see what happens Garth. Let's see what happens. Ah, got to get some of that mango too. Yeah.

Okay, so go on. I've actually got something. I actually gave you something. Mango is a real company. Did you Google it? And this is the part that really sold me on the whole story is Mango is a real company. Oh, so that guy Jacob is very real. No, but listen to this. This is crazy. So basically, I have kind of like an interest in event management and PR and

So they were trying to set me up. He was saying, I'll put you in touch with some connections. That's who Jacob was. Why you said like, I might apply. Yeah. Well, no. So Jacob like put me in touch with the people at Randance and they reached out to me. I sent my CVs. I have an interview. So you could get, so this could turn into a real positive job for you. Yeah. It's like an intern position. The win for this is if you get a career based off this knowledge,

- I know. - All right, keep going. This is fun. - And even the other guy, Kenny, was so legitimate. - Yeah, he was. - He was just so-- - So everything is so legit. And then, Iona, when you sit down with Jake and you've watched "New Girl,"

Do you guys talk the show? Do you guys talk Schmitty, Jess, Winnie the Fish? Where are you guys at? Security guard? Did you guys talk season seven, the security guard, the guy who played security guard Brian? Well, I was just so nervous. Pushed right past it, Garf. I'm sorry. Keep going. Keep going. It's okay. The first thing he said to me was,

If you meet a celebrity, like, play it cool. Don't ask for a photo. Don't ask about this. Jake Johnson said this. Yeah. So I was, like, sitting there, like, with my phone, like, okay, never mind. Like, I won't ask for a photo. And I was so nervous. And I started asking about New Girl. And he just explained it, that it was, like, his first big break. And that, like, the cast was, like, family. And, like...

I mean, by the way, that's a solid answer. It was, you know, it was my first big break. The cats we got so close were all like cousins. Yeah. Okay. What else did he say? He'd like, he was talking so weirdly. Like he was you, like, it was almost like he was reading off like a Wikipedia. Yeah. He knew everything. It was weird. And he, and he was really committed. It is weird. And I don't,

And Iona, as a woman, did you feel it? Was he hitting on you? Was he being a creep? Was there anything where you're like, I don't know. The story takes a slight dark turn or was it nothing? He was really nice. He was like...

I mean, he would just say, oh, a beautiful girl, but it wasn't in a creepy way. It was lots of advice about relationships. But he was saying he'd slept with 500 women, supermodels all over the world. He said we got supermodels all over the world? Yeah, he did. I mean, let's, Jake, fake Jake, let's keep spreading that, my king. I want everyone to know I've slept with supermodels all over the world. You know what's the beauty of that, fake Jake?

All the credits are correct. There's one humongous lie. So he gives some of his advice to you in terms of life is. It was just a lot about take any opportunity you can get. He talks a lot about just like.

Like just his experiences with meeting people and like how the importance of connections and all of this. A lot of it was about relationships. A lot was about relationships. He's very invested in all of our love lives. He's like wanted to know everything. He just said he was truly interested in you guys. This is...

This fake Jake. Yeah, fake Jake. How funny is this, Garrett? I'm like, seriously, I feel like I'm processing at a dinosaur's level. Like, I'm still two minutes behind going like, what? Same with me. What the fuck? Kevin, can you throw up the picture one more time when you get a second? And I keep going. I'm sorry. I don't mean to cut you off. No, no, it's okay. I was going to say, I don't know if you recall it in real life, Jake.

- Did you just ask me, I don't know if you're a poet in real life? - Yeah. - I know the answer. - Yeah, no, none of the Jakes are poets. - He wrote some beautiful poems. - He wrote some beautiful poems? - He had me like crying. - What, seriously crying?

crying. Wow. Can you paraphrase what any of Jake Johnson's poems are like? I don't remember exactly what the poem was, but he comes over and he goes, I wrote this poem for my wife. Technically, he wrote a poem for your wife. That's what I mean. Guess what? She would be flattered. God bless. You should

you should totally ask him to read it if you get if you get i'm trying to get him on bad because i would love to hear all the poems too so he then starts reading his poems to you guys you start legit crying in a bar okay there was one about his like his grandmother dying and like oh it was very emotional i'll tell you what i'll tell you what both my grandmothers died didn't cry

Yeah. So I'll tell you also, I loved them. Didn't write a poem. Went like this. They went, you know, your grandma died. I went like this. Oh,

Anyway, what are we doing for lunch? This other Jake Johnson is sleeping with models and writing poems and getting people in motion. Maybe I'm the fake. Yeah, you might be. I think we found a better Jake. I mean, look at his style. He's got jewelry, a cool cap. Look at mine. I'm wearing a fucking T-shirt and I'm bald. Give me fake Jake. His cool cap. A cool cap and a necklace.

Buying drinks and hugging dudes? This is the 2023 Jake Johnson. I'm the 1994 Jake Johnson. It wasn't just buying drinks. It would be like you made the point it was like give me the most expensive whiskey. Yeah. Oh, he was giving you guys because this motherfucker made Spider-Verse money. So he's going top shelf for the group.

But that, again, that would not happen. I cannot picture you ever doing that. Do you ever do that? Do you ever go, give me the most expensive one? No. I can picture you saying, give me a nice one, and then seeing a price and going like, eh, ee. In my brain, in my heart of hearts, I have like $17 in my bank account at every moment. Yes, that's how you operate, yes.

All right. So then keep going. So he's talking poems. It's a wonderful night. But he's not creeping. He's just almost like a man of peace. He's like a spiritual guy that is bringing your group of friends closer. A Jake of all trades. They're all funny. They're all funny guys. They're all funny. They're group dynamic as well. They all, like they act like they're knowing each other. Was there like a fake?

Gareth or was, did you see like, was that even? No. No. No. Did you hear their response? No. Hold on. Jake, stop. Go ahead. Jamie's going pure facts. Just pure facts. Oh, there was, I'm going to pretend to be in the group of friends. There was that little orphan boy with the, whose name was Golfy. The one crutch kid. He was asking for something to eat, please. May I have

some rail whiskey, sir. Okay, so you're hanging with fake Jake. He's making everybody get emotional about the death of his nana. And then are we at the peak of the night? What's the ending? Where are we at here? Not even close. This was early on. It just kept going like

- I'm trying to figure what-- - This is still in the first bar we were in. - Yeah. - Oh, you guys traveled as a group? - We hung out the whole night. - Now, were other people approaching Fake Jake? - Yes. - Oh, good question. - Remember that girl? Remember the girl on the-- - The American girl? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - 'Cause also, so my roommates, 'cause I'm from America, I'm from Rhode Island,

And my friends at home all love New Girl. All know who you are. So this whole time I'd been texting them and none of them believed it. I sent them the picture. They reached out on DM too. And they were like, she's crazy. This doesn't look like you. Yeah. But my roommates here, like,

they didn't really know so they were kind of supporting the whole thing so they just thought it was like so cool because these guys like everywhere we went they were like let us get the tab like don't pay for a thing they paid for everything everything and they didn't so you know with every great hustle there's always like the turn yeah you know how sometimes when there's an inside joke going on between friends you can almost see like they'll look at each other it was like and they didn't do that so

So here's, here's my, here's my guess of what's going on here. I think he looks at, there's a lot of guys and we all know it in Hollywood. There's a ton of us in Hollywood where we don't even look similar, but everybody says like, you look just like blank. Yeah. And in social media forever, people have been like, I got to tell you, you and me, I get you all the time. My guy, he will literally be 350 pounds with a mustache. And I'm like, I,

hear you man but I don't think we're us. So I think they just decided to lean in rather than go the other direction and in one quick Google search it's IMDB you got the credits and so if the night is really fun and you're going to three bars he's not leading out and attracting more and more people and he's not asking anything of anybody right? So then what's the kind of highlight of the night? How does it end? What's the peak?

How are you, Iona, a big New Girl fan? How are you saying goodbye to this night? I was like, well, when I was leaving, it was so weird because I went into it being like so starstruck because I was like, oh, this is such a... And in the end, you're like, you're now my favorite poet.

Yeah, it's so funny. We actually listened to another one of your podcasts before this just to kind of see what you guys talked about. And you described yourselves as drunk uncles, was it? And that was exactly what these guys were like. They just felt like... Friendly uncles. Yeah. Amazing. Even at the end of our big night, after the three places we'd gone to and all that,

They were like, oh, we should go, like, what? Like, they wanted to go and get food, and I was like, I've got a 9 a.m. class. I've got to go. You are now going like, look, Jake Johnson, we can't hang out anymore. The next day, they were like, oh, we're going to go out for dinner at some nice place. And I was literally, like, finding out, like, how do I say no to this guy? You go like this, hey, motherfucker, I didn't even watch the show. I don't even, I don't know who you are. I maybe saw Spider-Verse. I don't remember which one you were. I'm not hanging out again.

So they were really up for it. Guys, I want to say we appreciate the time. Will you guys send us his handoff? Hopefully we'll have you up on a follow-up at some point with Fake Jake, you guys. We can see him again. We appreciate you guys taking the time. Thank you very much. What a ride. What a ride. Appreciate you guys. Thank you guys. Bye-bye.

Holy shit.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.