13: Fake Jake: Part II
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All right, Jake, here we are. We're here to help. Another episode against all odds. Yeah.

You seem different right now, and I'm going to ask you why. Stop. Leave it off air. Leave it off air. What did you just read, and what were we just talking about? You're so good and bad at this. Well, we're talking about other things we want to incorporate in the show a little bit, and we've been talking for the past week or so about...

You know, when you see a really horrible comment... I'm going to cut to the chase. So there was a commenter who commented on Gareth some YouTube video or something he did and called him Fat Aaron Paul. A long time ago. A long time ago, when I was a lot fatter. I was a lot more fat. And we have been laughing about it a lot. And...

It's part of the fake Jake episode that's coming on. We hear the backstory this episode, but what we decided we're going to try to do on the show is we're going to try to find that commenter and have them on the show. And it's just to get their side of it. We're here to help figure out where that comes from. And in reading old comments, Gareth got triggered. I found the clip and I was like, let me see if I can find it. And as I was scrolling through it,

I was seeing a lot of stuff I missed, new stuff. And there was a lot more horrible going on coming at me. So while I was looking for the one bad one that I haven't found, I found like 40 new ones and

Give us a taste of one that was the winner of the new bash. Why does this guy look like Amy Schumer? So today we have a great episode. Not funny. And by the way, I'm not saying that comment's not funny. That was the next comment. Not funny. Okay, go ahead. So today we have a great episode. We have the guy who played fake Jake.

So the guy from the Instagram photo that I posted out with that young woman, we found him. He agreed to come on the show. We get his house, which is amazing. We get his side of the story. I think it's a lot of fun. And our other call Garth, you want to talk about this one?

Yeah, we're dealing with someone who is in the cake pastry industry at a bit of a crossroads. This is a tale as old as time. Do you stick to your guns or do you lean in? That makes sense. And we definitely have some fun with that. And we appreciate you all sharing the show and telling people...

it means a lot to us. We're having a lot of fun. Uh, we're going to keep doing this show for a while. We're into it. We're going to keep trying to grow it. And we appreciate you guys sticking with us. Absolutely. And if you share this podcast on Instagram, it seems like one of us will probably thank you. So that's a good incentive to continue to do that. I think for now we're both into that. We'll see how long that lasts. Yeah. I mean, by doing it, we found fake Jake. That's true. That's true. Um, so speaking of fake Jake, let's meet the man of the week. Fake Jake. Enjoy the episode.

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There's that guy. What's up, Fake Jake? What's up, dude? How are you? Good, man. Are we calling you Fake Jake on this? Sure, man. Whatever you want to call me. No, man. It's an ongoing joke for many years, man. What?

What can we call you on this, bud? No, what I do, I mean, you want to call me fake Jake? You want to call me Jacob? You want to call me by my real name? I really don't care. What's your name? I want to be Verde. Cool. Verde, this is Gareth. What's up, Verde?

How are you, man? Gareth. How's it going, brother? Good. How are you, man? Good, man. I'm a little sick today. I didn't want to cancel on you guys, but I woke up this morning all upper respiratory. Really nasty. Well, let me start by saying- Since you're twins, maybe that means Jake has a cold. Yeah.

Let me start with this, Verdi. Thank you for coming on the show. Big time. You definitely did not have to do this. You definitely could have just blown it off, and I wasn't hiring a fucking PI to find you. The people who wrote out made it very clear. You guys did not cross any lines. You weren't hitting on anybody. You weren't asking anything. So I wouldn't have played this game if there was anything kind of dark or creepy.

Yeah. They said you guys were super nice and it was a wonderful night. Generous. Okay. So now it takes us to the beginning of this journey, at least from my end. Okay. My end starts when Iona wrote and said, you know, she told me she had a wonderful evening and should she send her stuff to Jacob?

at rain dance and i said i'm really glad that you had that who the fuck are you and she said oh well i met you in edinburgh and i go no you didn't then she sent the photo and it was you with that same cap the same shirt kind of and the same necklace

Yeah, we might have similar faces, my guy, but we do not have similar styles. Jake, you have a sword necklace. I mean, come on. Everybody has a sword necklace. By the way, for her, when she was in the phase where she probably was like...

You don't remember me after hearing the night that you guys had just what what the fuck is what happened? Yeah. So then I said no. And I laughed, you know, because I said, like, well, that's not me. And she was like, oh, that's so disappointing because we had so much fun and you gave me so much good advice.

So that's what started the fun for, you know, I reached out to Garrett and Kevin and said, like, there's a whole situation. And then we posted it out. And a lot of people kind of gave notice. And so we then had her on.

And she said that the night the guys, James and Jamie, they said they met you. You were drinking with the guys. You were buying them top shelf whiskey. Top shelf, which for us was a big red flag that this might not be the real Jake. And then at a certain point, you said you're an actor. And they said, yeah, you kind of look familiar. And you said, yeah, I was a new girl and Spider-Verse.

So my guy walks in. Now we're caught up. So now we're caught up. So how this really happened with Iona, she came in a day later. So we were at this bar. We were trying to go out. We were drinking all night. We're trying to go to some nightclubs, and we can't get in because one of the guys with me is wearing joggers.

So we try four different nightclubs. We can't get in anywhere. No matter how much we're going to spend, doesn't matter. These guys are like, you can't come in. So we go to this restaurant that's still serving alcohol. So I walk in and there's this guy, James. He walks in kind of the same time we do with this girl he just met.

And we're I, you know, I try to find the bathroom. The bathroom is a maze upstairs around the corner. I walk by and go to the bathroom and he goes, man, it's a maze fighting the bathroom. Right. I said, absolutely. And we just kind of share a laugh. I go downstairs. I stand at the bar. I'm waiting to buy a drink. He comes over and orders two beers. I look at the bartender. I said, hey, I'll pay for his beer. Right. He's a nice guy. Share a nice word with me. Hey, very classy Jake move.

And so, so like, I'm liking this. I'm liking this as the Jake's. So the Jake, so, you know, we're standing there. He's like, thank you. This guy was super nice. He, James, James literally goes, can I give you a hug? I'm like, for buying two beers? Like that is super racist. Very Jake up to this point, but I might've not taken the hug. Just so if you do this again. I got you. That was probably the first time. If you do this again. For a hug. For a beer.

Yeah, I know. Seriously. So the guy sitting next to us at the bar says, you look familiar. And my buddy... Oh, the other guy, not James. Not James, a different guy. The guy's name is Hamish. Hamish. So this guy looks over and goes, you look... I gather with a name like Hamish, I'm sure he looks like us too. I am. Seriously.

Hamish could be the triplet. Keep going, though. And so then my buddy who you were texting, you know, who you guys have my number, the Ray Dance guy, he looks at Hamish and goes, yeah, he's famous. And so there's always kind of this joke because his kids like to take pictures of me and send them to their friends and say I'm with Jay Johnson. So he goes, yeah, he's famous. And I'm like, oh, we're doing this tonight. I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, I played on some stuff. So anyway. Has that set up happened before? Yeah.

Yeah, I've been out. I have some friends who are celebrities or, you know, famous artists and DJs. Are they really celebrities or were they maybe just saying they were? Or you have an entire group. It's a crew of nears. Yeah.

Oh my God. I want to make a documentary on that crew. We got to see this group. The Olmos there. Not the B-League, but the F-League. Amazing. Yeah. James E. Depp. You got a whole bunch of them. Oh my God. Rex Greenfield. Oh, that would be great.

But Lamorne Morris shows up as Lamorne and he takes the gig. He's like, hey, man, fuck it. These guys are pain, man. You look just like him. No, I am. I'm him. I don't know who these other fools are, but that guy, Mango, he's paying real money to sponsor this event. And I'm in. I keep going, man. Keep going. Oh, that's that's funny. No, no worries. I mean, so it happens quite often. So the setup where someone does that, it's not really intentional. I was just standing there. He said it. We end up hanging out with James that night.

He says, "Hey, you want to meet up tomorrow night?" My buddies are like, "Yeah, let's meet up." He said, "I'll bring some friends." And then that's when Jamie and Iona came into the picture. -Okay. -And then that was the night, right? So it started off with some drinks and talking. And ultimately, I had to look you up, Jake, on Wikipedia to figure out, okay, is he married? Does he have kids? Because I don't know this.

Well, at what at what point were you like, I'm going to go all in? Was there a part of you that's a good question? Like, I'll pull out or there or at some point you kind of cross the threshold where you're kind of talking about alcohol's hitting you. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, but, you know, they were like so happy to be with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just like I was like, I got I'm going to do this. Right. And when did but when did you decide? Because Iona said that very clearly early on, you said, hey, if you're with a celeb, be cool. No pics. Yeah. So was that was that a feeling early on of like, I don't want this going out and I don't want to eat shit at the bar tonight? Yeah.

Or was that like, I'm, this is what Jake would say. No, it was past experience with other celebs. Like if you want to be cool with them, they don't want a bunch of paparazzi, fangirl boys, whatever, taking pictures. Right. Right. So it kind of just is something in my mind. Like when I'm with somebody, don't take pics. You're like, so it works in this moment. Just the part. Yes.

Yeah, so it wasn't really anything that I had to think about. It was kind of a natural reaction at that moment. I'm like, no, no pictures. And so you're doing the night. You're having fun. You check IMDb. You get the credits. All of this is lining up. Then there's one question I have because she said everything was really fun. He knew about New Girl. He knew about you said it was your first big break and the cast was like family, which was by the way.

Nailed it. Spot on. By the way, she asked me, what was the first thing you ever acted in? And I didn't know what to say. I was like, I'm 45. What did you say? I said, I'm 45. I don't remember the first thing, but New Girl was my first big thing. By the way, if you asked me right now, I'd say, I'm 45. I don't remember. But I know New Girl was the first big thing. But my man, Fake Jake, here's where I got a question.

You had a lot of facts, man. You were coming hot. But then you tell this woman, we slept with 500 supermodels. Oh my God. I can't remember saying that whatsoever. She said, everything was good. You were talking. She said, yeah, it was really nice speaking with you. You were so invested in my relationship and the relationships of the guys and you really cared.

And then when I asked about you, you said you were happily married, but there was a period when you first started that you were sleeping with supermodels around the world. Walk us through that, Pink Jake. I honestly don't remember saying that. It didn't happen, just so you know, for the record. There was never that phase.

I don't remember saying that at all. That's funny. Okay. So I'm going to ask us, Jake, stick on the record on that one. If we do it again, lead out with, let me buy you a beer. I've had sex with 500 supermodels all over the world. They love what we got cooking. Good and bad. All the good stuff. We're really great. Yeah. We take a lot of mango. We're great in bed. Yeah.

You know, that was a mango ad right there. I was trying to sell some, you know? Yeah. And then there's another thing that they said. She said, you then started bringing out some poetry.

This is what got me. This is where I got. So this is, this all happened because Jamie said, or James said that they were hurt. Him and Iona used to be a thing. Oh, we didn't know that. Very new girl. Very new girl. And James was like, I was like, dude, I always seems to be a really cool girl. Like you want to, you want another chance? He goes, I don't know. She'd give me another chance.

So then, you know, Drunk Brain was like, let me coach James on how to like get together. Let me tell Iona like what romantic stuff is and try to like try to get them another chance at, you know, love again. Do you remember the poem? Because they were like genuinely touched by the poem. Oh, I have. I have a lot of these poems I used to write, but I don't know if I want to share them all.

- You're not sharing them on here, are you? - Fake Jake, you acted like me in a bar. You can read the poem. - They genuinely, she said she was like crying from your poetry, which. - Oh my God. - Well, so it was, the one I gave her and had her read, it's not a poem. I did read her some other poems, but it was my lady's birthday like two weeks ago. So I sat down and I wrote her something really nice.

And so I can read it to you. This is one of the things I get to. - Super. By the way, just again, here's a very key difference between the two Jakes. - And this is where the roads diverge, my guy. So let's hear. - Okay, man. It's a little wordy, but okay. It says, "I love you. Simple as it may seem, so profound it really is. Nothing in life comes easy, but something so valuable is worth all hardship. I wake up to you every morning, consider you in every moment of the day.

I desire to enjoy my free time with you, and I dream of you when I'm asleep. No greater love or goal have I found in my life than to just be with you.

You make the stars shine bright on a dark night. You make the sky much bluer during the day. You give me life. I cannot imagine a day without you. Not because I deny the possibility, but because you so completely consume my mind that a world without you is a world without life. You deserve all the joy and happiness contained in the world. I love you. Happy birthday. First of all, I got to say, you're not Jake Johnson. You're Nick Miller.

Yeah. You're a writer. God damn it. That is Z for zombie part two. Let me let me ask you this. That's great. How long have you been with this significant other?

About eight years. Wow. And the second question is, can Jake borrow this and read it on his next anniversary? And Jake, what would the reaction be if this came out of your mouth? What are you doing? Stop it. Are you okay? What is it? Get that hat off. It doesn't fit yet. I was just going to say, the ultimate twist is you pretending to be him. That'll be the ultimate. What I will say, Verde, is I was showing my wife this, and we were having a really good laugh at it. We were enjoying it. And the best turn.

is, you know, I posted and a lot of people laughed and they were like, whatever. And I showed it to my wife and she goes, I mean, the eyes are the same. Wow. And I was like, that's the best part. That's awesome. Here's my two things.

The first one is, do you think you'll do this again? Do you think there will be another night where you can throw the Jake on and enjoy yourself with the blessing of the real deal? I mean, it's never planned. It's not like I want it. But when I'm with my friends and we're all drinking, it happens. Maybe. So I would say let's make a Jake rule. Okay.

And that is if we're doing it, it's your job to make sure nobody in your group sucks and takes advantage of the game. Okay. Yeah. Can we get a Jake shake? We should do a Jake shake. Yeah. But there's the game and ship of it is cause I'll, I'll tell you, man. And the reason why, even when this started, Gareth goes like, this shit might be dark, man. And I was like, I don't think so. I go, when I was in high school and early college, my buddy Billy and I used to take road trips and we would, when we would go to new cities, we went to like the mall of America and

Bill would walk around to people and go like, Hey, I'm sorry. My buddy's having a hard time waiting in line for the roller coaster. And the person would be like, why? And they'd be like, he was on the wonder years.

And they would go like, oh, he was? And then people would let us like budge the line. And then they would go like, hey, your friend. They wouldn't talk to me. They would talk to my buddy Bill. They would go like, hey, your friend from the Wonder Years, does he want like a hot pretzel and like hot chocolate or something? He's been waiting this whole day. And they'd be like, he would prefer it. So we would like sit in the back behind restaurants. And they would like give us free food because they thought of us on Wonder Years. There is like the...

What Verde's doing is going out and having a big night. Arguably the saddest statement I've heard on this show might be, hey, can we cut in line for this roller coaster because I'm friends with the kid who's on The Wonder Years? Oh, that's fantastic. You know what? It would never be bad. It would never make you look bad because, I mean...

I, you know, we have our own, I have plenty, I have a beautiful wife. It's more like when someone comes up and it's in clean fun, you know, let me buy them a drink. If you ever need, if you ever need, I was called once on YouTube, a fat Aaron Paul. If you ever need one of those to join the crew for the almost, you just give me a shout. I'd love to be a part of it. I'm ready to roll.

Gareth, I wish you told me that two days ago I was hiking with Lamorne on Griffith and we saw Aaron Paul and we all talked and he had his shirt off. If I knew you were fat Aaron Paul, I'm taking that fucking photo, man. Oh, man. I swear to God. That was one of those comments where I was like, I can't unsee that. That hurts. Verity, thank you for taking the time. Thank you so much. Next time you're fake Jake, tell him to listen to the podcast.

Help us spread the word. We appreciate you coming on, man. Seems like a lot of fun, buddy. Will do. Thanks a lot, guys. See you, man. Thanks, Fred. I appreciate it. Thanks, man. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller, we're

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Hello. Hi. How are you? Good, thanks. How are you? Good. Well, you're on the podcast. We're happy to have you here. Oh my goodness. Thank you. I was going to say, hi, my name is Mackenzie and I'm a longtime listener, but that feels weird when there's six episodes. So I'm a six episode deep listener. That's pretty good. We'll take it, Mackenzie. So Mackenzie, let me get that spelling right. Okay. And Mackenzie, where are you calling from? I am calling from New York, the Upper West Side.

Okay, so what is the reason for the call today, Mackenzie? So I am calling because I recently started a small baking business called Burnt Sugar Bakes. And I'm seeking advice on if I should be more of a very niche, specialized cake bakery. And this question comes from a very specific reason.

So recently I had two orders in the same month that happened to be extremely specific. And the first request for was for a boob job cake, basically celebrating someone's decision to have a boob job and their recovery. And it was a gag cake. And then the second

second order was again, very specifically a classy penis cake. The classy part was less specific. I did have to clarify, but I'm a little bit confused. What was the second one? A classy penis cake. Yeah. What is that first word? She's saying penis, penis, dick. Oh, classic. I'm sorry. I thought you said collapsing.

Yeah, collapsing penis. I was like, what the fuck is a collapsing penis cake? A freshly orgasmed penis. I was like, oh, disgusting. That would be an absolutely... Here's the thing about our dick cake. We want it to be kind of collapsing. Yeah, I want it to be demolished.

You know? Gross. Okay, so you've made a... So lately you've been getting gag gifts. You did a boob job one, which I'm assuming is just two big boobs, yes? Yes, exactly. But basically I got free creative reign with both of these and I make a lot of really custom cakes that are super detailed, a lot of frosting. I actually sent in pictures. I don't know if they somehow can make their way to you, but they're really high-end cakes that...

are very, very large and detailed. So they have a lot of work done to them. They have a lot of like pearl accents, a lot of coloring, a lot of glitter, a lot of work done on them. But when I posted my wrap up, like post on Instagram of these cakes, I started to get an influx of messages all for like,

really classy genitalia cake basically and now overtaking my business i've had to like literally turn down like baby shower requests and things like that because you're just you're just sitting there fucking baking dicks all day yeah mckenzie is the question

You have a legit baking shop called burnt sugar bakes in New York. You are a artist of baking. You love the craft. You're good at it. You care for it. You did a couple of gag things and now you're becoming the genitalia, the, the, uh, baking genitalia queen. Yeah. And is that a path you should go down? Is that the question? Um,

That is ultimately do I say fuck it and just lean in. Interesting. Okay. Can I ask a quick question to get a little backstory to get us started? How did you get into baking? So I actually worked in tech for the past 10 years. I worked for a lot of big tech companies, like top four tech companies. And I lost my job during earlier this year when everyone in tech was kind of losing their job. And I always loved baking for people on a personal level. It was always just kind of like my gift to people. And I was like, you know, I'm going to bake through this depression period and just

figure it out. And it kind of just dawned on me one day, I should really just pull this into a business. And that was about eight or nine months ago. And it's become a full-fledged business since then. And I have about like five, six orders a week. I get booked for parties, but now I'm making a larger name for myself in a different area than I expected. Let's pretend for a second, you're on Shark Tank. How are your numbers in those nine months? How's the business doing?

I break even and this will be my first month that I'm actually going to be making a direct profit where I could pay my rent.

On my own. I like those margins, Mackenzie. Breaking even. Gareth, we have not got the margins yet. I like the margins. I'll offer you $1 a cake in perpetuity. Well, let's say, okay, so cakes are on average like $300 to $400 if they're low. Oh, yeah. The cakes are not even high. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. A nice big cake for a big party? Yeah.

Yeah, there's usually like 50, 60 people. Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to the goddamn Jewel Osco for these events. No, no. And you really can't go into like Momofuku and request specializing. No, I get it. These are big kicks. So you've been doing it for nine months and you're now starting to break even. So I'm ready to start jumping in a little bit. Gareth, are you?

Yeah, I am too. Well, OK, so do you feel like you could handle a lot more orders? I mean, is that something where you feel like? I think I could. I think if I had a I think if I had a better fridge freezer situation, as you can imagine in Manhattan, I definitely could. But I think if I was able to take more of these orders where I am getting them in the more like dick cake region, I could rent out one of those larger freezers. And that could really help me take on more orders in the long run.

Okay. I'm ready. Mackenzie, I think we're going to be on the same page, Garrett. I do too. I think for nine months breaking, even if you were gangbusters and you, it was just blowing up and everybody was, there was a big line around the block for your cupcakes with, you know, just sprinkles on them. And then you made chocolate peanut butter one that you said, like, my numbers are insane. I would say, don't go down the dark alley of just doing smut cakes.

But your numbers aren't there, Mackenzie. And so you like to bake. And if you're just starting to turn a corner and if you can become the penis cake lady or the boob cake lady, and there's in New York city, you know how many parties in Manhattan that it would just be so funny for someone to bring like a big dick as a cake. And if you can start turning it into a big business, I think you got to go with the money.

Here's my fear. What do my parents say? My daughter is the dick cake queen of the Upper West Side. Well, I mean, I don't know if we want to go with a sash that says dick cake queen. I mean, I'll tell you this. I think parents will support success. You're right. They might not be like, oh, that's a great dick on way to go. But I also think, fuck it. If you're going to make money, if you want to do this, if you're trying to really get a business going,

and you really feel like this is going to help your business, I would just lean in too. I think you can... Maybe there's a way to not be specifically like the dick cake person. You do other stuff too. Yeah, but I also think you're probably going to find that

On Instagram with social media, that sort of more naughty, reballed shit is probably going to become a thing where people are going to share it. People are going to like it. And I think you're like, it's not like you're

It's not like you have to break it to your parents that you're going into sex work or something like that, which is probably a harder conversation. No, but you also do it a little differently. You do it like an old school video store, right? The front of the shop, you're still selling new releases. You will still do a cake for a quinceanera. You'll do a big pony cake. Then.

Then there's like a 1960s beaded screen and you enter another side of your website, which is all the dicks in the boobs. And if that's where you're making your money, that's where you're making your money. Here's what I would tell your parents.

I've got a successful bacon shop and I'm happy. And if you guys don't have a problem with that, then I'll fucking send you a big fucking cake. You can eat it. Well, it got aggressive at the end. I also think we're willing to have your parents on the show and we can help navigate that conversation. It's a great idea. Well,

Well, listen, we are very good at this. And I think there is something maybe about a little bit of a spotlight that could overwhelm them and lull them into understanding. Gareth, that's a great idea. Mackenzie, our advice to you, and I got to say, Garf and I are going to be on the same page and interrupt me if I'm not, if we're not. But I think we're both saying, don't stop doing what you're doing, but lean in.

And if people are purchasing and if people are excited, never go away from where people like. It makes no sense. When you're doing this for a little bit, if your orders are getting bigger and you're buying that big freezer and you're going to tell your parents, will you do it with us on this podcast? A thousand percent of completely aligned people.

What a blast. That's good. And in case you do find that you just are like, you know what? I don't even need to make the quinceanera cakes anymore. That's just not where the detector is going off. I think a good name for the shop could be Baking Bits. That's my last pitch. Well, that was the other question I had was, do I have to pivot my name now? Not yet. If you go exclusively into that, you do. Yeah.

Or you could have two businesses. You could have Burnt Sugar Bakes as the umbrella, and then the side game from it is... What's the name again, Garrett? Yeah, you know... Well, you could have Baking Bits. You could have a brick-and-mortar that's just like a traditional cake shop, and then you have your online business, which just shows that you can cater more towards the naughty. Honestly...

Yeah, and it could be kind of like a red light district on the website. That could be too. Totally. Yes, I would do it. It's like a fun alley you go down. Yeah. Yeah, and I don't think people are going to judge this in the way that you do, but yes, we would love to talk. We would love to do the mediation if that's possible. Oh, you would love that. My parents are both business owners and entrepreneurs, which is why I have such a kick to do this. What are their...

What are their margins out of curiosity? I'm just kind of still in the shark tank mode a little bit on over. We will do it. Let's do that. We'll put a pin in that. Put a pin in that. Mackenzie, thank you for the call. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. And if you're ever in the city, there are two giant dick cakes waiting for you. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to us on this show.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke.

And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.