138: Scoop Your Heart Out
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And we are back.

Oh, yes. On a glorious Monday. Yeah. December. We're getting close. Getting close to Christmas. It's almost that time. What are you guys doing for Christmas? Shark, what do you got? I'm going to be in Pittsburgh for a couple days, and then my parents are going to be in San Diego. So doing a lot of traveling, which I don't like to do. But are you flying from Pittsburgh to San Diego or just coming here and driving? Coming here and driving.

Great. It's a beautiful drive. I know. That part will be nice. And there shouldn't be... This will be my first LA Christmas, so I can experience the non-traffic that I've heard about. It's the best. It's the best. It makes you really sad when it ends. I remember my first Christmas in LA where I was like, oh, this town is tolerable. I loved it. This is a much better place when you just take half the people away. What do you think, Jake? We're going to be here in LA, and then we're doing...

Last August, we went to New York for a little family vacation and the kids loved it. So we're just going to San Fran. We're going to do like a American city four day. Just do everything you can in the big city. That's a good little tradition. I mean, I did not expect them to like New York as much as they did. Yeah. So now we're stepping out of the world of like a Disney resort or this resort that's truly very boring.

Yeah. I mean, resorts after you've had your ninth drink, you're like three more days of doing the same, seeing the same bodies in the pool. That's your ninth drink. I'm like, well, I've done it. I don't need another three days of drinking by this pool. So now we're doing cities. We're going to go to Alcatraz. We're going to do a bunch of stuff.

That's good. Put the fear in them. That's good. Put the fear in them. Well, that's the whole point of the trip. If you don't do what I say, you're going to end up on this goddamn island. You know, it's not shut forever. I can open it. I'm just going to hang out with my mother. My mother is going to be here and we're just going to hang out. Simple. Mom's coming in. Yep. Is your brother in town too? My brother's going to England the day after. So we'll probably see him for a minute, but then I'm just going to cook dinner over at the place and just hang out. And how's mom's hip?

Hip is good. Just had the Mohs surgery. Did I tell you about that? No. Yeah, the Mohs surgery, the skin cancer surgery. I thought that was like a Three Stooges surgery. Yeah, Jake's like, that's what I gave Larry. It's a real good testament to...

how much you should wear sunblock. But she's doing very well. She's the best. I went through her step counter the other day. My mother walks every day. Let's say her hip surgery was so crazy. She, without even thinking about it, is walking 12 miles every day. Wow. 12 miles regularly every day. Like, it's nothing. That's wild. It's psychotic.

That's very impressive. But so we wish everyone a happy holiday. And our gift to you this whole month is delicious episodes. Two calls and a follow-up. Two calls and a follow-up. Save shit. Oh, wait. I want to preface this one. The end of this one has the goofy call. The insane one. So this one... What's the goofy one? Jake, remember the most...

Kevin's 10 is not like our 10. Kevin's 10 is probably our four. But Kevin rattled. Oh my gosh, this was the craziest one we've done. This call is only good because of what Kevin expects and what ends up happening.

Which is just the miscommunication between- Why don't you set it up, Kevin? Sure. So someone emailed in saying that they were like accidentally kidnapped by Goofy. And it was kind of set up like this very silly prank set up with a dad that kind of like went awry at like Disneyland, I think.

And her friend had always heard the story a certain way. And so I was really excited because like the friend was going to come on and we had some great guests too. And I was like, oh, this will be really fun and silly and stuff. And like a nice little twist at the end.

And it just so quickly, so hard went off the rails. I just, I feel like I watched a plane take off that I was like, that was, but that's not the point. We're on the right plane. I think this is our most off the rails call we've ever done. Yeah. We really, I mean, we've said it before, like,

Most calls, I would say 80% were like, that was good. Like there's some where we're like, that's a home run. That was incredible. This call was one where we only enjoyed it because of how little Kevin enjoyed it.

And we kept it shorter too, like I edited it down, but we've done maybe 350 calls. This is the only one where I was like in complete shock after it ended. And she emailed and was like, that was so fun, thanks. So like, it's all good, but it was just truly stunning. So it's the last call in the episode. Did you reply to that email? I think I just said like, thanks so much. Yeah. Just kept it nice, yeah. Well, everybody, enjoy the show. Hello. Hi, can we get your name, please?

Hi, my name is Gabby. Hey, Gabby. How you doing? I'm great. How are you guys? Good. So the Garf Man is not here because he's doing stand-up in Alaska, but he and his cat send his love. The shark is here. And the man who wrote the theme song for our show, We're Here to Help, Mr. Oliver Raleigh, is here with us, Gabby. Hey, Gabby. What's up? Wow.

Hello, how are you? You've got an insider's meat and potato. We're here to help call. So Gabby, where are you calling from? I am calling from Florida. Florida. And what's something about you that you find interesting that we could maybe just hear about before we get started? I am a marine biologist. Wow. All right. Okay, marine biologist. And what can we do for you today?

Okay, so my ex-boyfriend and I broke up about six months ago. We've recently got back into contact, but things have been a little bit weird. And last weekend, the town that we live in had an Oktoberfest. And while I was there, I ran into this ex-boyfriend and his family while I was drinking with my friends.

I talked to his dad and his dad's girlfriend for a while about the new ice cream shop that they're opening up. And I was excited for them because I worked at an ice cream shop for my first job and I was in like high school and college.

And unfortunately, at some point during our conversation, the drinking really hit me and I don't really remember the rest of what I said to them until the next day. I got a text from his dad saying that they really want to take me up on my offer to help them train their employees because of my ice cream scooping expertise before their grand opening this weekend. I don't I unfortunately don't remember offering to help.

And I had to tell them at first that I couldn't help because the ice cream shop is over an hour away from where I live. And I have a nine to five job. So I physically couldn't make it. But all week, all week, my ex has been telling me that they're running into a lot of problems and the grand opening is supposed to be tomorrow.

So I'm wondering if this is in real time. It's so the grand opening is actually tomorrow, Saturday. We're doing this on a Friday night. You got drunk. And okay, Gabby, this is a wild one.

And you're so you're nine. It's by the way, it's a really great setup. So you're not a great job explaining it to you. I mean, you did that like a marine biologist. I respect it. So this is interesting, Gabby. So you're nine to five, meaning you are free on Saturday. Yeah. So you could drive the hour and scoop some ice cream.

Yes, I totally could. And they invited me to the opening. Okay. Now let me ask you a question because neither you, us or the audience knows what you said to them that night because you blacked out. And I will say from your vibe, that's a shock. It is. It is actually. I did not mean to do that. Is this something that happens a lot? Are you a once every two months blackout or is this like a, you cannot believe you blacked out because it changes how we're going to give advice.

It's an I cannot believe I blacked out. And I think I did because I was so nervous to be talking to my ex-boyfriend's family again. Understood. And how long were you with this ex? About a year. Okay, so it was pretty heavy.

Yeah. So your anxiety is on top of you. You're skyrocketing. You're seeing the family. You're freaking out. One drink makes you feel good. Two makes you feel better. Three, you're getting loose. And then all of a sudden things start getting hazy. And the next thing you know, you told them you're a great ice cream scooper.

Yeah, exactly. Wait, so real quick, this is what I want to figure out first and foremost. Like, what is the relationship between you and your ex? Like, do you want to get back together with him? Is he a scumbag? Is he cool? Like, like, what do you what do you feel like? What do you want out of this relationship that you have with this guy?

Hmm, that's tough. He's cool. And we're friends. And we have a lot of mutual friends that we have a pretty complicated relationship. Yeah. And that's kind of part of the problem is that we are kind of, you know, trying to figure out where we stand. And then I go ahead and offer my ice cream scooping services to his dad and complicate everything.

That's the first time that sentence has ever been muttered. I would say in the history of human beings, in the history of communication. Yeah. So, okay, that makes sense. So let's give this guy a name. Gabby, what do you want to call him? And it could be fake, obviously.

Um, let's call him Joe. Joe. Okay. So you and Joe, you broke up, but you kind of are connected. You're connected to this group. Here's my question to you. What's your skill level with ice cream scooping?

So I worked at an ice cream shop for six years. That was my first job. Oh, so you're great. Yeah, you're good. You're good. Yeah, I'm really good at it. And I love the job. I talk about it a lot. I would have killed to have over been a fly on the wall of the fuck out of this. I say, yeah, a black out nervous woman talking about how good she is at scooping ice cream and then saying, like, I'll fucking be there. I'll

I'll be there. I'll see you there. Yeah. No wonder the dad is like, hey, we really, really need somebody to scoop ice cream. Of course they can find somebody else. They want you. The best. That's the deal. They want Gabby, six years, the best in the business. The Michael Jordan of ice cream scooping. So I got a question, Gabby, and it's going to seem like I might be going in the wrong direction here, but is there any reason that you would want Joe to feel a little bit like, I let the best get away?

Maybe a little bit. Okay. Because there is one move and that is you go in there and set with some sort of vibe with like your hair pulled back overalls ready to rock. You see Joe's dad and you go, Oh, I'm here to help my man. You get in there and you scoop the fuck out of that ice cream. You scoop that ice cream. You go back to those six years of,

Nearly 1500 days of scooping ice cream. Like a marine. Like a marine biologist. And you scoop in ways that you have never scooped. It's almost like you're paying tribute to all those days. There's this great book, A Prayer for Owen Meany, where this little guy keeps doing something. He doesn't know why. And then finally in the end, he knows why.

all those years of practice scooping is for this for tomorrow for tomorrow you have the chance to do the best ice cream scooping in the history of the world so that joe's dad afterwards walks up to his son and says successful day and he goes yes son and then he punches his son in the face and goes you left the best girl in the whole world escape you're an idiot

I love that. I mean, what do you think? Because look, you can do either. We could come up with excuses where you say you got sick. You I'll pretend to be Gareth. You pretend that you smashed your hand in something and you got hurt. So you send a video with a fake bandage to Joe and you say, send this to your dad. I got hurt. I can't do it, but I'm really leaning. You just fucking go for it and scoop your little heart out.

Be the best ice cream scooper you have ever been. Let it be an out-of-body experience. Stay sober.

And yeah, go on. I'm stuck on a detail here, Jake. It was it was the the father punching the son and telling him that you let her go. Yeah, that's that's that's stark, man. That's really. But I'll tell you, please. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. You imagine our kids, Oliver. You got kids. I got kids. You imagine one of them meet somebody and you go, this one's a fucking winner. You got it.

Then they let it slip through their fingers. Then the one that slipped through comes back on a grand opening of your store and is so great that you're like, how could this was perfect? You've got gold right here, Joe, and you blew it. And just that adds a little bit of piss and vinegar to a victory.

Yeah. But it's still no punching. I couldn't imagine being like, whoopie. Yeah. I hear what you're saying. Look, I got daughters. That's why I thought punching. But Gabby, where are you at here?

Um, I like that idea to be honest I was kind of leaning towards going to the opening to begin with just because I want I want to I want them to do well And I think it would be cool to see it But I was just a little bit nervous because it's my ex and my friends kind of told me not to go But so gabby, here's what I would do. I would go and I would wear like a headband and a wristband And I mean this seriously

I wouldn't go dress like kind of nice, but not like you want to get dirty. I would go in clothes that's ready to get ice cream on it the way you did when you worked. You are not going to socialize and small talk and be supportive. And when you get there and Joe's dad goes like, oh, Gabby, you're such a sweetheart. Like, no, no, no. You don't have to go. Oh, I'm here to work. And you go, I love doing this. I know how to do it. I want to help support you.

And you know what you want in return? Nothing. Nothing. Just drive off into the sunset. Yeah. At the end of the great day, everyone says thank you. And you go, thank you. And just wait for him to just punch his son in the face. And you drive out of there. There goes Gabby. There she goes. Yeah.

The family fighting in an ice cream shop as Gabby drives off towards the ocean to go look at whales and shit. All the kids are just looking around. Ice cream's melting. They're just watching. That is such a Florida story.

And so what do you think about, what do you think, Abby, about dressing up ready to work? Because if you go there in like a cute skirt and you're looking all nice, you know, they might feel like, oh, she's just coming to say hi. And the transition to scooping might be weird. And then you drove an hour for 15 minutes of small talk. You buy a cone, say congrats and leave. That to me is a waste of time.

Agreed. I think you got to go there and buy what you're wearing and your vibe. I would even consider having like a little bartender's towel on your shoulder so that when you're walking in, you just go right behind the counter. Yeah. Oliver, is that wrong? No, Gabby, I want to know because earlier, Gabby, at one point you said all your friends are telling you not to do it. So I wonder what are they saying? Why are they saying that? That's fair.

They're kind of just wondering why I'm talking to him again. I mean, so am I, to be honest. I feel the same way. I'm wondering why, too. Do you want to be with this dude? Is he worth it? I don't know. I mean, it's a small town, so I see him around a lot. So I at least want us to be on good terms. They have mutual friends. Yeah. Actually, one of my best friends is dating his brother, so that makes it very complicated. Hey, Gabs, why'd you break up?

What happened? We just were at different points in our lives, I think. You're a marine biologist. His dad owns an ice cream shop. Exactly. You know, it normally wouldn't mesh together. Romeo and Juliet. It's the marine biologists and the ice cream guys. It's a tale as old as time. Yeah, we do not mix. We two people do not mix. Uh-uh.

And so you guys just kind of broke. But for you, your friends are saying, don't do this again because you're not together. And you're saying, I'm not doing it because I want to be together. You're doing this. But let's be clear of what this is because you got blackout drunk and you made a promise. Exactly. Because I'll say this, Gabby. And I stand by my promises. That's exactly. I'll tell you what. If you said to me, you take away the blackout drunk and the promise.

And if you said my ex-boyfriend's dad is opening up an ice cream shop, I'm a great scooper. Should I surprise them and go? The advice is going to be no. Yeah. Right. You throw into that soup, you got blackout drunk and promised it and most likely talked a lot about how good you are at scooping. And the advice is drive the hour and scoop your little heart out. Ouch.

I think the context of this makes it okay where it really does not make you seem weird. It's not like a Thursday where you had to ask your boss if you could take off work. Agreed. You work 9 to 5 on Friday. You're going to swing by Saturday, scoop some ice cream, say hi, and go back. I totally agree. Yeah. I think you're in a good spot here. Okay.

Now, the other thing that we could pitch, if you want another thing, is ways to not go unless you want to go. I think I kind of want to go now. I think I need to assert my scooping dominance. So please just go see what happens. Say yes to the adventure. Scoop your ass off. And then as soon as you leave and you get in the car, I'm truly as a favor. Get right on your voice notes on your phone and don't edit yourself. Just ramble. Yeah. Okay.

Perfect. You rule, Gabby. Best of luck. Can't wait to hear what happens. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye, Gabby. Bye.

Hey guys, it's Gabby. I called in earlier about how I drunkenly offered to help my ex-boyfriend's dad open an ice cream shop. I wanted to just call and give you a little update and let you know that I did in fact make it to the grand opening. I actually got there a little bit early and they didn't even give me a choice. They just put me right to work. They even gave me a t-shirt. And honestly, I had a lot of fun.

It was pretty crazy at first because no one was really trained, but they seemed to figure it out. And the opening seemed to be a big success. They did a really good job. So I'd say this was a win. You guys really gave me the confidence to go and show up. And my ex-boyfriend has been asking me to hang out every day. So thanks for your help. And we're brought to you by MeUndies. Listen, you know what December is. It's lounge season.

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That's helloalma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help. Hello. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the show. He's got a hot voice. You've got Gareth. You've got the shark, as always. And we've recast Jake for this episode with the great John Gabrus. So you've got a lot coming your way. We've got a good feeling.

Who are you? Where are you calling from? And what the hell is going on? Yeah, perfect. This is Jake Johnson calling in. No, my name is Caleb. I'm calling from Michigan.

And I'm calling about a problem with my wife. We recently had our first child, our first newborn child. Congrats, Mazel. Thank you. Thank you so much. She's two months old now. And we're starting to figure out, you know, what the nighttime routine looks like for us. Something consistent. And it mostly consists of, you know, one of us holding the baby while the other one starts to read, you know, getting the last little feeding in. The problem is that my wife reads too enthusiastically.

When she's reading the nighttime stories, she uses a little bit too much... She's putting a little too much sauce on it? Yeah, a little bit too much sauce. Sometimes a voice here or there. The good news is that it does dwindle. By the third story, she's kind of into whisper mode, where I like to be. I feel like, you know, a little bit of a gentle voice. It's just a soothing noise to try and get the baby to calm down. Caleb...

Yeah. What what what is your issue with how she reads? What is your why do you feel like the way she's doing it is a problem? Oh, yeah. So it's real. I would say maybe not a problem now. I'm just trying to secure the future here a little. I think that can we hear can we hear how it sounds to you?

Yeah, yeah. It's going to be nitpicky because, to be honest, it's pretty subtle, but it's enough for me to notice, but I'm going to give it my best shot. It already feels nitpicky to me. I think you hate your wife, if I'm being honest.

As a guy who's been... I just had my 13th wedding anniversary. Trust me, it's going to come across as nitpicky. The only way... Okay, go ahead. Let's hear it. Can you believe my wife does this hyper-specific thing that I see every single day and you guys have no idea about? Isn't that frustrating? Oh, man, I need the context of living with her. That's fair. I'll give you my best shot. You want her version, I assume. It is...

I will love you till the cows come home.

I will love you till the cows come home. On the earth of stone, on spaceships from Mars, I will love you till the cows come home. I will love you till the yaks come back. From a Cadillac to the pink backtrack, I will love you till the yaks come back. That's the best I can do for now. First of all, great verse. Thank you, thank you. Bars. Yeah, I mean, it's just ridiculous. Straight bars. Fire. Bars. Bars.

signer i want what's your wife's soundcloud this uh i'm yaks come back yeah yeah john do you hear a problem yeah i i think i think you got to break up dude i know you have a brand new newborn but i think you need out i think honestly with that kind of read a judge would give you custody as well

Caleb, can you read it how you would want it read or how you read it? I got you. I think I can guess how this Roman Mars-ass dude reads it. With that sultry baritone. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Here's my best version of the words are different because I'm just trying my best. So here's what I typically go for. I will love you till the cows come home. On ships from Mars and glass and stone, I will love you till the cows come home.

When the yaks come back in their pink backpacks, I will love you till the yaks come back. Just something a little bit more subtle, quiet, try to be soothing. Is your issue that you think the way she's reading it is keeping the baby up too long?

My fear is that as she gets older, and again, I'm just projecting new... As she gets older, okay. As she gets older, that maybe mom's versions get a little bit more exciting when we're actually getting some interactions back from our child and that the voices get sillier. And so now, again, I understand it's nitpicky, but for me, some of those kind of excitements, I like to say that as I'm staring at the baby that she's like wiggling,

while mom's reading, but it's not quite there. I just get this like, man, we got to be careful. Maybe we got to police this now. Okay. First of all, we got to nip this in the bud. It is. I do think a lot of this lives in your head. Why don't we act out? Why don't I be your wife? And I'm going to, I don't know your wife. Let's call her Shelly.

Why don't you walk me through this conversation and let's see how this feels coming out of your mouth. Okay, so just going for it. Okay. Yeah. Oh, God. She just went to sleep finally. Took a minute. I know. It took a little longer tonight than usual. I know. You know how babies are. She's got a swaddle. Go ahead. She loves that Kyle's Come Home book. It's just so good. I know. I'm a little sick of reading it, but...

Everything for her. Everything for her. And we can mix. Absolutely, Shelly. We love her together. But anything we can do, obviously, to make it easier for us. So maybe I can read sometimes. Sometimes when you read, maybe you're doing a little too much. Maybe you're a little too excited. And that's why it's so annoying for you to read the same book over again. What? What do you mean? What do you mean? You get really excited about how the cows are always coming home. I'm not excited. I'm trying to... What do you mean?

I think there's a little bit of excitement when you talk about those cows coming home and the yaks in their backpack. I just wonder if maybe that gets a little bit too much for you. You think when I talk about the yaks in their backpack that that... Are you...

Hey Caleb, hey Shelly, it's me, your babysitter, Nina. Hey Nina! Thanks for sticking around so late. Are you guys, is everything okay? The baby keeps crying because they can hear both of your voices. Oh god, I think we left the monitor on. The baby's, yeah, you have the monitor on and you have it switched on reverse. Oh no. Oh dear, that sounds like Satan's yelling at her. Yeah. You see, Caleb, do you feel like you can have that conversation?

No, I feel like I feel like it's so secret back, you know, back door to help me, you know, Caleb, this is going to sound this is going to sound awful. But like, hold on to this one, brother, because this is is the least of your fucking problem. Yeah, I feel like you have a newborn like a kid is such a fucking variable in a marriage. Shit is going to get so much fucking crazier. Just let this one go. Here's my pitch. OK, here's my pitch.

start reading it crazier than you think she is and see if you can prompt her to have a conversation with you. And then you can be like, uh, I feel like we're reading it kind of the same way. And then maybe that's a way to get her to tone it down a little. I do not think at this part of parenting, you can have that conversation because I'm not going to lie.

It's probably good the way she's reading it. But if you feel like it's wrong. I'm not an early education specialist. Yeah. But I think a mom trying hard is always going to be good. And giving some animation to it, I feel like is probably good. While you're just sitting in there kind of like infomercialing it, she's giving it like some animation. There are kids being raised by parents who are just drinking wine in the other room. You know what I mean? That's fair. Trust me. John and I have been sterilized.

Why don't you, why don't we try a version right now where you read it too big to see if we can prompt your wife to be like, what's going on in there? Okay. Sounds good. I'm just going to stick with the cows come home because it seems to be a crowd favorite. Well, okay. I've heard it both ways. That's fair. Let's ask your daughter. Okay. Okay.

I will love you till the cows come home. I will love you till the cows come home. And the yaks will wear the backpacks while we come back with a snack. We will love you till the yaks come back. Are you reading this or are you off the dome? Are you so in the dome? This is off the dome. Oh, man. This seems to be our favorite as far as, you know, a mixture. Yeah.

I bet you you are the person who has thought about this book more than anyone, including the fucking author. Oh, you should message the author. Yeah, for sure, yeah. She wrote, it was obviously magical. My wife is over-interpreting your brilliant. Over-interpreting.

I would do that. Give that a shot for a couple nights when your wife is nearby. See if you can prompt her into giving you a note. And then you can be like, oh, I'm just trying to do it like you. But maybe we just maybe we're both doing it a little like, you know what I mean? Like you sometimes you have conversations with your significant other where the move is to just go.

well, even if you feel like you're not doing something wrong, you'll kind of back down on a thing because you're like, I want this tension to end. So I would maybe try that. Give that a shot. Okay. Yeah. I like the idea of over, of over delivering.

And maybe you don't even have to say anything. Maybe that'll just light Shelby up of like, wow, that's kind of annoying. Should I, am I doing anything like that? I mean, yeah, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the only way because you just, there's no way you can just be like, Hey, video village. We got a couple thoughts. Hey,

Hey, I know up until two months ago, this child was being kept alive solely by you and living inside of you to the point where you were a shared organism in a way. But I just want to say, you're really committing hard to reading to our child. Her back hurts right now. Her nipples are sore. And then Caleb's coming in like, you hit me a little hard.

Yeah, no, this was fair. And I knew this was coming, but I think it's a good attack, yeah. So give that a shot. That's your only move. And also, if you're talking about nipping in the bud, this is a future problem. I honestly, my mother read me stories. She was animated, and now I'm on the number one podcast in America. So it would be worth it. All right, buddy. Well, let us know how it goes, okay? Okay, sure will. Thank you. All right, Caleb. Bye.

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Hey everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on September 5th. It's called put some jeans on that baby Jesus and it is the first call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi. Hello. Welcome back to the show. We're here to help. This is a follow-up

Who are you? What's happening? Gareth and I are in the dark. How'd we do? Okay. So this is Emma, and you might know me better as Baby Jesus' mom. Baby Jesus' mom. How great is it to not know? Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait. Yes. Relay what happened. I remember.

Okay, so my mom has this plan to do a wild Christmas letter and have my infant son as baby Jesus, but she wanted to do it naked. Wait, what? Yeah, see, that doesn't ring a bell. No? Yeah, I didn't know we dealt with baby nudity on this. We've done a lot of calls. You did a perfect...

He did a perfect David Brent from The Office. He goes, yeah. So then she goes, naked baby. Yeah. No, I don't. No, not me. I'm not part of this one. Nope. Not me. I've never heard of this one. This woman's obviously out of her mind. So Emma...

Walk us through this problem again. For some reason, I'm not remembering all the gloriousness. Do you remember this one? I remember that setup. I don't remember us dealing with baby Jesus nudity. So walk us through it, Emma. What was the main problem? And then what did we pitch? And then we'll stop at that.

Okay. So the main problem was I didn't want my son to be embarrassed. My mom does really wild Christmas cards. She's really popular with her Christmas letters. And her idea was to have him be baby Jesus along with my nieces, my daughter and my nephew. And I was, I needed help on how to,

And you pitched just making my boundaries really weird and putting him in maybe khakis and a barista apron and a mustache and just making it really weird to see if she would just kind of stop.

So we didn't help. Well, no, because I was banned from any further photo shoots. And honestly... Oh, wait, did you bring the... You brought the boy with all the... With the Target attire, with the mustache? No, it didn't happen. But I did walk in to my mom continuing the project, which I actually thought was a bust and...

Some of my nieces were not going to depict any religious figures, but I did find my mom with a huge spread of different size cutouts of my son and my nieces and my nephew and my daughter with different backgrounds. And I sent some of them to...

to shark whoa jesus christ and i do mean jesus christ oh my lord uh jake you want to show this is i don't even know what i'm looking at it's a photo yeah you're looking at basically the red carpet of the manger we've got the wise men i'm assuming we've got a child we've got um

We've got the Virgin Mary child also holding your child in a blanket. A couple of the kids are angels. I believe there's a cat in the universe. And there's the dog. And then at the bottom, the text is, Jesus, I trust in you. And there is a regular Jesus in the background. And in the corner, there's just some feet. You know what I would say, Gareth?

If this show was going on for a lot longer, this deserves to be in the shark tank. I completely agree. Oh, and these are the photos. Oh, and there's now another one of the Virgin Mary holding your son in what looks like a curtain.

So walk us through. You got banned? It's crazy. He's not naked, though. So you can ring the bell, I guess, because he's not naked? No, I don't know what is happening. You didn't take any of our advice and for some reason you got banned. I wasn't allowed. I just wasn't allowed because I wasn't taking it seriously. Okay, mom got her feelings hurt. I like that you called out the regular Jesus because I said, oh...

Sorry, but that's Baby Jesus looking up at Jesus. Yeah, it's weird. Are they the same person? And she said, I'm really concerned about you. And I said, oh, so it's like a different timeline, Jesus, like in the Marvel movies? And she was like, yeah, I just really like it. So I was, A, concerned, and then I got the vibe. Still really weird. Well, I will say...

Well, look, we're going to wrap this up and I'm going to say this, Emma.

We appreciate this is a heck of a follow up. This is another loss for the show. I say, but Jake is Jake. You're here's what I'd say. It's not a loss. It's just not a win. I don't think we were able to bring a rule book to this sporting event. Yeah, but the rule was that she was supposed to dress up the baby like a little barista. And the mom was going to get so mad bringing Photoshop to a baby Jesus shoot fight. That's true.

I mean, you can't bring logic into that. I don't think that she would ever get off the computer if she actually understood Photoshop. I think she'd have too much fun with it. We'd never see her again. Well, it's a shock. I mean, the picture we just saw is like something you would see

in a thrift shop agree like you'd just be like what you know you know what you could do with that image emma make a hundred thousand copies and just start hand delivering them to people put them in thrift shops mail them to strangers put the image on some shirts that thing needs to travel that's something somebody wants to find in like a suitcase on the beach in four years and go like what am i looking at here because you're right it's time traveling jesus which is incredible

There's dogs. There's cats. There's two ages of Jesus. You've got a baby Virgin Mary. I mean, logic has not entered anywhere near the Photoshop. You know what I like about mom? She just said, fuck it. Yeah, you know what I like about mom? She goes, listen, I'm not taking notes. You know what? It's the equivalent. If it's a movie, it's The Room.

She made the room. She's just going, I'm going to make the movie I want. It's called The Picture. Yeah, I'm just doing what I want. And you go, but Virgin Mary's five. Shut up. And Jesus is regular age and right above. Shut up. And there's a cat in the cloud. Shut up. What's the dog? I mean, it's a big win for your mom.

I, it is every year, every year is a win. And then my three nieces that aren't in the picture, I did see one picture of them and I'm concerned that she's just going to like cut them out and make them into whatever she wants. I got a new pitch. Emma, I got a new pitch and I think I'm right here. Uh, you got to lean in and every year, not only your kids, you got to get in these photos too.

This is your family legacy. I've got an idea. Photoshop your mom on the devil's body with a computer. Just go, this is what I picture every time you give us a Photoshop. No, you don't say you did it. It just appears at her house every Sunday. A new Photoshop of her as Satan. As Satan. And then you never admit to it. Oh, man.

Don't do that to the poor woman. No, I would say you should do it. I would say let her cook. But if I'm you, Emma, lean in. If you got it, if your kids every year were in these photos, you know how funny it's going to be for them when they're in their thirties looking back? I mean, I had to deal with it my entire life. Let them lean in. I just didn't want him to be naked. That was the problem. And I won, I guess, because he's not naked. Mandatory. He's got to keep his shorts on.

Outside of that, let mom cook. By the way, if... A title. By the way, if you told me when we started this follow-up that that sentence would make sense...

I would have been worried about what we were about to hear. But I wonder if it is a win, because I think our main point would have probably been make sure the boy keeps his shorts on. Again, just hearing that. Because that's something I would stand for 100%. This show is pro babies keeping their shorts on in Jesus pictures. Very clearly. Gareth, in all photos. Yay! Yes. Yay! Yes. Okay. So I would say...

Ring the bell. I agree. I think we have to ring it. Ring it. We have to do it. He's ringing it. We just can't hear it because Zoom's weird. Emma, we appreciate the call. Thank you so much, guys. Keep sending the email those photos. Keep them coming. Every holiday. I did get a text update saying thoughts, and she added a glitter halo. So, yeah, I will keep sending them until maybe...

the more dramatic final reveal for you guys. Ooh, I love it. What a teaser. Thank you so much. Thank you, Emma. Say hi to the baby Jesus. Bye. Dollar, are you there?

Hi. Hi. Hi. Thank you. Can we get your name, your age, and roughly where you're calling from? Yeah. My name is Ara. I'm 24, and I'm calling from Brooklyn, New York. Okay. We'll get into how the hell you spell that soon. Hi.

I went A-R-A. How far off am I? What I liked was I noticed we both paused. We were like, what the fuck is that? It's gross that we see each other's notes. It's embarrassing. Jake does a lot of hearts. Hey, listen. You have Jake. You have Gareth. We're the usual. But you also have, from the Dope As Usual podcast, Marty and Thomas joining us today. Thank you. You're getting a four-headed monster over here. So everybody listening, also check out Dope As Usual. I did their pod. They're great guys. Great. Thank you.

All right, Ara, how the hell do you spell that name? It's A-R-A-A. J-A-R-A-A. I never would have had that. Interesting, the batteries. Yeah. Okay, what can we help you with? What's going on?

Okay. So when I was eight years old, my dad and I went on my first trip to Hong Kong Disneyland. Wow. We were staying in the Disneyland Resort. And so in the restaurant, like sometimes the characters will like come and say hi to all the kids. Sure. So I'm eating breakfast one morning with my dad and

you know, the Mickey Yang come in and I'm getting pictures with all of them. And so I have a really cool picture with Goofy.

And I get another picture with Pluto. And before I know it, one of them like picks me up and runs out of the room. What the fuck? Yeah. Like an attempted kidnapping. Wait, wait, sorry. Just, just to be clear. Cause we were all like, Hey, this is like one of the characters literally tried to kidnap you in a Hong Kong Disneyland.

Yes. So, you know, one of them picks me up. I'm like eight years old. Don't, I'm not really fully conscious of the world. So this whole time I'm thinking that it was goofy. And my dad also tells me like, Oh, goofy, like who ran out of the room with you? I really hope this is a comedy second half. Yeah. I'm literally like screaming and crying. I'm like, I'm about to be killed. Yes. And, um,

So I've maintained this story like for the last 16 years of my life. I'm like, hey guys, you know, like Goofy like tried to kidnap me once and everyone's like, um, what? So I'm like recently going through these pictures again. Yeah.

And I am absolutely dumbfounded to learn that it was actually Pluto and not Goofy. We are looking at the pictures and my first thought was, yes, you're dealing with Pluto. Goofy is the red herring. Yeah. Hold on. None of that matters. Pluto tried to kidnap me. It's some guy named Gary. Well, keep going. Okay, so you have this revelation, right? Okay. Okay.

Kevin cannot keep throwing up these fucking pictures. Kevin, this is an emotional rollercoaster. I gotta tell you the incongruent nature of the seriousness of kidnapping and that the pictures we're seeing. You have the right guys in this one. Because you told me some wild ass stories on yours. To me, it's how many dogs have been thrown in jail because of a misrepresentation of a dog. You need to grub on this one. So, Ara, what has happened? So,

My issue is, now that I've realized that it's Pluto, I'm not sure how to break this to all of my friends that I've told this story to, because I feel like my story isn't really funny anymore. It's still funny. This is not like a serious kidnapping. I think it was like posing for photos, and he jokingly grabbed her and walked away. He did not actually... He took me...

Go ahead. We're trying to fit. If you were almost kidnapped, who gives a fuck if it's Pluto or goofy? So I straight up, this is what I remember. I remember just being picked up and in like running out of the room where I couldn't even see my dad anymore. And I was like screaming and crying. And I come back and I'm like, I ran to my dad. I was like, how could you let this happen to me? Meanwhile, my dad is like just taking pictures of this. Right. Clearly.

He's a great shot. It's in focus. All of them. This is hold on. This is taking a weird turn. The email was like a lighthearted joking. He tried to like, you know, move away with me. It's not a serious like I was almost legitimately kidnapped. The middle ground here that it was super traumatic for you, but your life was never an actual dire stress.

No, it wasn't like traumatic, but I'm just, but my problem is that it's like a story that I tell everybody because it's really funny. But now I'm like, you know what I mean? It's like, how do I break, break it to my friends that it's Pluto and not the actual goof guy. First of all, have some respect. His name is Goofy, not Goofy. I, I, I listen. You got a pitch? Well, I do.

Leave it. Don't say anything. Just the confusion you have. Like when I see it, I go, yeah, it's Pluto. It's goofy. Well, whatever. I would just I would you. I mean, you've told everyone this. Goofy is probably the better punch up. Even looking at the pictures you sent, the goofy one is funnier.

But I would leave it there. I would stick with it being goofy. I would not make AC change. I'm thrown on this one. Me too. What did your dad do for work that he could just take you to Hong Kong, Disneyland? First thing in my head. Yeah. I didn't even know that had those. I did not know they existed either. But also, what was your dad doing sitting there while you got it? Letting it happen. Yeah. Letting Pluto, you soothe them. So, Ara, what is this? So, he was doing a bit. I'm confused.

Yeah, I think the problem is you got to talk to your dad and say if someone's grabbing a kid and running away, stop snapping pics. We had Captain America show up at my kid's party and deep throat three balloons. This has been a train wreck. That being said, we do have a special guest joining us on the call. Who?

Ara's friend is joining her because she's going to confront her on that she's been getting this story wrong her entire life. So when she emailed, she said, I feel really bad because I've been getting the names wrong. I've been telling this story incorrectly my entire life. So I said, would you like to tell someone on the call that you've been getting the story wrong your entire life? She said yes. Let's try it. Let's see what happens. Hello? Hello?

Hello? Thomas and Marty, will you guys set up the stranger? What is happening? We don't know if this is like a horror story or like a comedy. I thought it was a real kid movie. So your friend basically got pranked, didn't like it. She confused the mascot.

I don't think you care. I don't think you care if it was Superman or Captain America, Goofy or Pluto. I think it's the same story, except, oh, you know what? I'm burned. I was eight. It was Goofy. No way. The best follow-up is hello. After all that hello. There's no way. Was that real? Is she really saying that? Yeah, that's just... Caller, can we get your name? Higher than I am.

Leah. Hey, Leah. All right. You're joining us in what I would only call a quagmire. Yeah. Now,

You know Ara? You're friends with someone named Ara, correct? Quick pause. Because this is the wildest one we've ever had, will you guys please let that join and enjoy yourselves? Are we going to get in trouble for having gum on this? Let me ask. Ask her. That's how we deal with authority. Light it up, can we? We'll check. We are now in a galaxy of who knows. Am I intruding on something? Yes, in many ways, we all are being intruded on and intruding at the same time, Leah. So...

You have a friend named Ara. Ara is called our show. We have a podcast that's called We're Here to Help. And normally we try to help people. I honestly think we all might need the help of a professional after kind of going through what can only be called a strange, bizarre, traumatic trip. But Ara, the floor is yours. Ara has something to tell you. So Ara, talk to Leah. We'll sit here and maybe get high. So you remember my goofy kidnapping story? Yes.

You know how like this whole time I was telling you that it was goofy and I was like super traumatized by it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I looked back on pictures and actually it was Pluto. Okay. Do you think my story's still funny? Um...

you know sure I'm just kidding yeah of course of course because I just think you're funny like as a person so thank you obviously thank you and then I would be a bad friend if I said no in summation Kevin

What do you think here, Big Daddy? This went exactly like I wanted, and it's our best call. All right, Leia. This, I'm not kidding you, has been maybe our wildest call. I'm glad it was you guys, because we actually blame it on you guys somehow. Because when I did yours, Dope As Usual, that was one of the wildest ones I've been part of. Your stories were...

We're excellent. And you entered us into this like wild galaxy. So, all right. You have now been part of a co podcast. We're here to help and dope as usual. This is the mixing of the world. Cause this one has not felt like anyone we've ever done. It feels like this has been wild. All right. We hope you feel better, Leah. We hope you feel like us and have no clue what's happening. Um,

We want to thank Marty and Thomas for joining us. And honestly, changing the game a little bit by the natural energy. Thank you so much. Yeah. And I would say in the future, if you're ever near getting kidnapped,

Your father has to help more. Thomas and Marty, thank you for joining. Dope as Usual podcast is way less wild than this one. And I never thought I would say that. I just want to say I never went into a call more confident in my whole life. I was like,

Millions and millions will love this. And here we are. We appreciate you guys. Thank you for calling in. Good luck out there. Thanks. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.