15: Dougie McBuckets
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I'm going to do the theme live so I don't have to put it in post. So you can just start after I play it. Okay. You're listening to We're Here to Help, hosted by Jake Johnson and fat Aaron Paul. Go Bears. You know, it seemed like the new beginning. It seemed crazy. That's it.

That Kevin was like, I was like, why is he going to play the intro live? It doesn't take much to cut it in. But I don't know if you noticed there's a difference in the intro. Well, that's our new intro. The music by Oliver Raleigh, the voiceover by Dustin Rubin. And we have a great episode today. We're really excited. But the intro is I'm flagging the intro is problematic for me.

Why? Well, there's the good. I mean, let's start with the fat Aaron Paul. That's not I'm not looking to wear that often, especially after coming back from eating. Gareth, you should know that that wasn't a commission that Dustin just emailed the show and did. Stop listening to the show. We don't want to listen. We're not right, Jake. I think we can both agree. We're not looking for that kind of impact.

Oh, I think we love what Dustin did. That made me hard laugh. Kevin and I were cracking. Damn it. You see me dancing to the intro for a minute and then I'm going, wait, that's what I love is right before Kevin goes, we're going to do the intro live. Cause I said like, let's get away to have Gareth hear this. And he goes, I have a plan. And you just went like, yeah, I guess we're doing the intro. It's easier for Kevin to just play it live. All

All right, look, we don't want to spend all day on how that intro is garbage and nobody should send us that sort of stuff. We have a great episode. And again, I'm going to lose 10 to 15 real quick. We have a three call episode. Yes. And I guess we don't really need to get into too much detail. We you know, we do here. We solve problems. We thank everybody for sharing the show. We thank you for listening. And that's kind of where we wanted to end. We don't need you to follow through further. So we're sending Jake Johnson, Fat Aaron.

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Hello. Hello there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help, and we're here to help. So can I get your name, your age, where you're calling from, anything you think is important? My name is JC. I'm 41, and I'm in Maine. Oh, love Maine. Jake, you like Maine? I think Maine's cool. I like this setup. JC, 41, Maine. I think we have a good start. JC, what's the issue today?

So I emailed in, uh, I have these two friends that I see every Sunday night. I go over there. Uh, we get takeout, we watch TV. It's a little bit of a tradition and I've been going over there for a while now. I used to work with one of the guys. We were best friends at work and I wanted to stay friends. So we started this tradition where I go over every Sunday night.

and hang out with him and his husband. They have a very nice house. They're about my age and they both have good jobs and they have nice things. The issue is- Just a quick pause, JC. What are the names of these two men? First year work buddy, what's his name?

I'm going to use a pseudonym. Let's call him Lem and his husband Charles. Sorry. We're not here to do pseudonym criticism. That is not the show. A gun on your hip have the name Lem is... Shocking. It's shocking. You're our smartest caller because you said pseudonym rather than fake name. Yeah. And then you go with Lem, which makes us think you might be a time trap. When was Lem a...

Do you know? It was the first name that came to my mind. J.C., this is a shocking start. This is we don't want to divert into why did Lem just happen? But no, but we're back. OK, so you go to Lem and Charles's house every Sunday night. And then where are we? Yes. So it's a very nice house. It's not clean. So it's a dirty home.

They have a dirty home. So like if you're in the dining room, there's all these beautiful books on a shelf. You pick up a book and it is coated in dust. The floor is dirty. Like surfaces are dusty. Now hold on, JC. Let me interrupt for, hold on, hold on. Is it a little dirty and dusty or is it a fucking pigsty? Cause that's different. It's tidy. It's hard to explain. It's tidy, but it's clear that they don't clean regularly. Sure.

So none of that matters to me because it's their life. I don't care. The issue is I'm there for a couple of hours every Sunday. At some point, I have to use the guest bathroom. The bathroom is filthy. So...

The toilet is not clean. There's skid marks. There's hair. The sink is dirty. The hand towel is stiff and kind of crunchy, so it's not replaced regularly. Clearly, they don't use this bathroom regularly.

themselves. I understand the pseudonyms now. Now I understand why you don't want these two to hear about this. But I don't think it should be Lemon Charles. It should be like Al and Joe. Like Lemon Charles. I didn't expect this call to end up with a filthy bathroom. Yeah, Lemon Charles. Or the name should be Jake and Gareth.

That's much better. That's much better for an abandoned guest bathroom. If we were a couple in Maine, our guest bathroom would be disgusting. We would have wrestling matches of who would have to clean it. And we'd be like, I did it last year, you asshole. There's like a raccoon living in the tub. We just name it. So JC, the bath, the guest bathroom is disgusting. Yeah, it's dirty. I mean, you know, and it's,

I mean, skid marks and hairs is disgusting. Yeah, that's a band. That's disgusting. That's abandoned. Yeah. That's an outhouse. Yes. Yeah. They probably don't know they have a bathroom there. They're like, oh, yeah.

It's just open to the sky. Yeah. And I, I'm like, should I say something? Like, I guess what are my rights as a guest? Like, do I bring my own towel? JC, this is a great, you can't bring your own towel. I'm Nixon that right off the bat. So just to jump into it, JC, do you mind if I paraphrase and tell me if I'm right on this?

You got two friends you really love, you care about. In order to maintain the friendship, every Sunday night you have a tradition. You go over there, you eat, you watch some TV. Their house is a little bit dirty, but their guest bathroom is utterly disgusting. And the question today is, do you have the right to say something? Do you do anything or do you just deal with it? Is that correct? That's correct. Yeah. Interesting. It's an interesting problem. Well, it's one of those things where, you know, I feel like

So you definitely feel like they're going to they would be offended by. I'll answer. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I would imagine most people. Could you imagine, Gareth, if somebody came to your house and said, hey, if I bring my own towel in a bucket, I could piss in because your bathroom is disgusting. You'd be offended. It's offensive. All right. Well, Jake, good pushback.

No one wants to hear they're dirty, you know? Well, this is what, JC, do you have a disposable income? Do you have a little money to fuck around with? Yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah. Really curious where you're going with this. I would think that for a birthday or a special occasion or something,

You could this is this is coming out of my mouth. I can tell Jake's going to rip me apart like a wolf. You're talking about hiring a cleaning. I think you can hire a maid. I think you could hire a maid or a cleaning service. No way. And and frame it in some way of like, I know you guys are. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Gareth, do the framing to me. Pretend I came to my house. OK, I'm going to this is going to go bad, but I'm actually try. Let's see what happens.

Oh, happy birthday, Jake. Thanks. Thanks again. Yeah. It's getting older. It's what a nightmare, man. I know. Yeah, we all are. You look in that mirror is more wrinkles than there were before. That's right. And you have a necklace on in real life in terms of the mirror. Let's just stay. Let's stay in the pretend. And I was saying before, you look like a DJ from Finland. It would be great hair. Your bangs are down. Let's just move. Can I talk about your birthday? That's happening, Jake, in this in Maine. Thank you.

Gosh, so I was trying to think of what to get you because, you know, you have so much. I mean, you have such a lovely home and all that. And a friend of mine told me about like a cleaning service that they got. And these people did an amazing job. I just used them. I love them. So I thought I'd just get them for you because I know you guys are so busy. I thought maybe they could just come over. They'll do a few hours, you know, maybe go to that guest bathroom. I don't know. I'm not saying that specifically, but just sort of do their thing. You want to hire me a maid, Gareth?

Yeah, well, I got you. I got, I mean, yeah. Do you think my house is dirty? I don't think your house is dirty. I just know how annoying it can be. Why would you hire me a maid? Just because you're so busy. Your guest bathroom is great. I love it up there. Casey, this is a friendship ender, I think. I think the way it just played out, I can see him being pretty receptive. Jake was pushing. I don't know.

He got personal. No, I was listening for a while and I was excited and I thought you were going to win. Okay. All right. You've walked me through yours. What's yours? I think in this situation, I think a maid is really nice. I don't know how you navigate that. I think if somebody offered me a maid for my house, even if in the moment I went, oh my God, JC, thank you. I would feel offended. I would feel like, Jesus God, my bathroom must be a nightmare. I think if I'm you, if you value the friendship, which it sounds like you do,

I would empty the tank before you get there. I would watch my liquid intake. But now she has to live like she's on a flight for the rest of her Sundays. Guess what? It happens. You know what? You go to a concert and they have those disgusting porta potties. You know what I do? I don't go in them. If you go to a park and there's a disgusting outhouse in the back, you can hold it a little bit.

I would watch how many drinks you had and watch what you ate and think, I can't hit that bathroom. And I would wear overalls or kind of the kind of pants you don't mind to get out. Now you're going to show up like it's he all every Sunday. Yes, man. How y'all doing? Oh, wait. How about this? Can you invite them to your house?

No, I mean, I live further away. There's two of them. We've just been doing this for years. It would be really... You know those types of arrangements that just doesn't feel natural to ask? It would be weird. Is it the general house that bothers you or is it really the guest bathroom? Well, I mean, it bums me out that the house is...

dirty, but like, sure. Yeah. But that just bums you out sitting on a toilet seat. That's gross. Okay. So this is all right. New pitch. Okay. You know what kind of towel they have in the bathroom? Yeah. Okay. Find a lookalike.

You do a decoy towel one Sunday, right? You get the little one that looks like it's a teepee out of there. You take that home. You wash it. Then next Sunday, go over there just with a, like, just, again, you have in your bag just like a little bit of cleaning product, some sort of rag or some paper towel. You go in there. You bite the bullet. You do a five to ten minute cleaning while they'll think you're up there with maybe some tummy issues. You do a quick move through it.

End it. Get back down there in two Sundays. You could maybe have it just so it's not bothering you. I think that's interesting because they never go in there. Yeah, clearly.

So here's another thing that goes back to maybe the cleaning service, JC. What if you got them like a- Here comes crawling back. Well, after the Bears lost to the Packers, I'm all turned around. My confidence is at an all-time low. Yeah, you're rattled. So here's one move you could maybe do on that.

What if you found like a gag cleaning service that actually cleans like, you know, they do. I know there was like signs of like topless women cleaning your house or, you know, Google find something that like they sing while they clean or they dress like characters while they clean. So you're doing it as if it's a gag.

And the idea is that you have them come on a Sunday night while you're there. So it feels like a tell it like a singing telegram where you're like, this is so funny, but they're actually also cleaning and you, and then you can apologize for it and go like, I didn't realize it was like this intensive a clean. I thought it was like a funny gift.

But while they're here, let's just let them clean because they're I don't hate that. I also wouldn't hate the anonymous cleaning service. Just get them over there. Let them figure it out on the fly and see if they're just like, who the hell would do that for us? And they never know. Yeah. So, JC, we've given you some interesting ones. Where are you? This isn't the end necessarily, but where are you kind of at? What's your instinct saying?

I am leaning towards not drinking any water on Sundays anymore. I don't want to clean up someone else's pubes on a Sunday night. Agreed. Get in there. By the way, that's a shirt. That is a shirt. If this podcast has ever had merch, it's that. I don't want to clean up somebody else's pubes on a Sunday night. Okay, keep going, JC. I don't.

I don't know if I can find a cleaning service where they sing or like a stripper clean. I don't know if that's where you're going with that, but in Maine, I think that would be hard to find. Okay. So I would veer towards not using the bathroom. I think you, you, you really don't like the idea of me bringing my own towel as like a passive aggressive move. I don't, I don't hate it anymore. I like that better than you having to, you know, cinch yourself.

You know, I don't like the move. If you're going to someone's house, you're choosing to go bring in a towel just feels kind of like gross. I think you either got to cinch it up. As you say, I think that's a great term. Just zip it up, hold it in. And if you got to pretend you're making a call and go squat by a tree outside, or you got to figure out a cleaning service, either anonymous or gag, or you could pretend they've done something really nice for you.

And like ask for advice and then say like as repayment, somebody like my family member gifted me this and I want to gift it to you. You could say like, I just, oh, I have an idea. What if you said a friend of mine just gifted me something that was so wild, but so nice. They gifted me a free house cleaning and see how they react to that. This is the most options a caller has ever had. So, so what, what, what would you tell, what do you think you're going to tell Jake and Gareth? What do you think you're going to go with?

I think I'm going to tell Jake and Gareth, I'm trying not to use the bathroom as much. I'm trying not to pee as much. And then I think I am going to try. I think that's interesting. Like, oh, I got this gift for free house cleaning, but I don't need it. So that seems like a nicer way to get to it. Whatever gets a maid in that horrible, horrible room. JC, we appreciate the call. And will you please follow up with us?

I will. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. All right, Shark, you know what's up. It's finally time for summer travel, and there are so many choices of places to stay on Booking.com across the United States. From the stylish hotels, the family-friendly resorts, the cute B&Bs, beds and breakfasts,

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Really good. Thank you. You're on. We're here to help you with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. Can we get your name, your age and where you're calling from? And then we'll figure out how to solve a huge issue for you. Yes, my name is Corinne. I'm 27 and I am calling from the Chicagoland area.

Karim, what is your issue today? Why don't you tell us what's going on and we'll try to figure out what we can do for you, if anything. I hope you guys can figure it out because I really don't know what to do. We promise nothing. Read the fine print on the email. We promise very little. Okay, so I'm 27 and I've been single for a few years and I was really looking forward to living in Chicago and

finding love, but instead I found cancer. Oh dear. Yeah, yeah, really, really crazy. And I've just been figuring out how to navigate dating and finding a partner while also, you know, trying to stay alive. Wow.

Well, first of all, I'll speak for us. All three of us were really sorry about that. And then do you mind if I ask you some questions about the cancer so we can get a picture of where you're at and anything you're not comfortable sharing? Yes.

Oh my gosh. I'm an open book. Ask anything. I love it. What type of cancer do you have? And when was it diagnosed? Okay. Rectal. So that's sexy. I was diagnosed with

in January after a colonoscopy where we all thought it was just going to be hemorrhoids or something, but it turned out to be a tumor, unfortunately. But it's not that sexy of a cancer, but there's loads of jokes to unpack, that's for sure. And what has been the process of it? So it's kind of a whirlwind. One day you...

get a call and then you get 7,500 appointments on your calendar. I've already finished chemotherapy and I am currently in the radiation stage. And then to end things up would be a surgery to remove the tumor. And then hopefully at that point I would be no evidence of disease. Okay. And how are the doctors feeling? What's the kind of, what's everybody feeling?

What are you hearing? It's really positive so far. My body reacted really great to the chemotherapy. So nothing but good signs so far. Okay. Well, that I think obviously, yeah, I mean, that that sounds very difficult. It sounds like you said, I mean, whirlwind sounds like it is an understatement. Yeah.

Now, I obviously is very difficult position, but what is the if you were to boil down the the main problem that you would like us to give you advice on? What would that be? What is the exact question? I guess I really want to know how to navigate dating and finding a partner when you have a lot of complex kind of life changing things going on. Yeah.

I feel like before I used to be like, oh, my parents are divorced. But now it's like, well, I'm not quite a true thing. Your laundry list of stories of like, well, I used to be like this is now different. But here's my question. Are you looking for when you say that, is it?

Are you looking for advice on a partner? Are you looking for, because you were saying you were in your 20s, you were excited to get to Chicago and date. Is part of it, you're just looking for a little bit of fun? Because I'll tell you what, somebody having cancer, cancer is not contagious.

So it's not like if you were doing the same call and you had a contagious disease, I'd be like, that's going to be a pretty tough red flag. You can't catch cancer by hooking up with. That's true. Do you how do you feel? I mean, do you feel like physically do you feel like you're you're healthy enough to start dating?

I think physically, for the most part, yes. But some days I could sleep 14 hours and some days I don't feel great. I'm not even trying to make a joke. Most days I could sleep 14 hours. So, you know, I don't think that's anything that should nix you from dating. That's great. Well, this is a difficult one because of many reasons, obviously.

But I think if you feel physically well enough to date, you should totally try. I mean, it might be a... But let me just ask, let me ask Gareth a question here as just a guy to guy for a second. If you go on a first date with somebody that you meet on a app, you don't have to tell everything right away. No. So...

You don't have to lead out with, hey, I'm 27. I'm in the St. Charles area. I'm in Chicago for fun. I have rectal cancer. Totally. Erase that last part. And if somebody goes like, hey, where were you? We were going to get together on Wednesday and your symptoms are kicking your ass. You're allowed to say,

I'm not feeling well today. And the specifics are part of nobody's business. The first few months and weeks of a relationship, you don't even know if you like this guy. And I can guarantee he's not telling you everything. I was just going to say, you never reveal everything. I think that's a really good point is that, yeah, you just simply don't have to say it.

You can just be yourself. I mean, for you, it's like obviously so life-defining right now. But yeah, I mean, I don't think that's necessarily something you need to get off your chest right away. Unless you want to, right? I think if you're in a situation where what you want to do is bring it up, then obviously you have every right. But certain guys are going to be scared away from that simply because you think...

well this is a lot to deal with and i don't even really know this person yet and a lot of guys are really immature and they're like honestly like well her i think she's hot this was fun even if it wasn't rectal cancer if you said you get a lot of canker sores a lot of guys are gonna be like dude i can't put up with that shit she gets canker sores what a little rectal cancer

On the opposite, like I think, well, what are you are you looking for a relationship or you're just more excited to hook up?

I mean, I'm open to anything, but I would say... Well, let me tell you something. And this is the... If you go weird on a fetish for rectal cancer, I am cutting all of this out. This is the beauty and the nightmare of men. Never underestimate a man's desire to get laid. I don't think there's something... I think to you, you're like, this could be a huge turnoff.

I think just like anything else, that potentially there are guys who are going to be like, not who are going to see that as a problem for whatever reason. I also think there's just going to be a ton of dudes who don't even give a shit when they find out. I think if you're looking to hook up,

That is really, I think you're in a fine position to do that. If you feel physically okay to do it, I think you should just do what Jake said and just get out there. Now, if you're like, well, how do I meet guys in Chicago? I mean, that's its own pickle. So here's my in conclusion for you on this one, my two cents.

Do whatever makes you happy early on the dates. I don't think you owe them anything. If you start falling for somebody, then you're an asshole to keep lying. You'll know when a relationship starts to turn and you're getting out of that appetizer stage and you're entering the meal. And at that point, you got to transition into the, I do have to tell you something. I'm sorry I didn't tell you on our first two dates. I didn't know how serious this was. But now that I'm having feelings, blank, right? And then you can kind of...

confess where you're at. But early on, you're allowed to goof around a little bit. And while you're going through something as hard as what you're going through, you're allowed to have a little bit of fun. And I would highly recommend you do whatever makes you happy in this stage, you know, until you're out of the mess a little bit.

Yeah, I will echo that and say that anybody who would be advising you just in general during this phase would be like, it's important for your own physical and mental well-being to live your life.

So live your life. Do what you think you want to do. And, you know, I would just for now set up some dating profiles, make it about who you are, not what you're going through and see what comes your way. And then you'll be able to make those judgment calls as it evolves or develops in whatever way. Yes, that's so great. I loved hearing what you guys had to say, especially from guys, because I feel like just talking to my girlfriends, I needed some male perspective. Yeah.

I think most of the men you're going to experience on a date aren't good. Some will, but the majority of the guys I think will be just fine to enjoy the date and not hear what's deeper going on in your life, but just connect on the fun level.

and just go like, man, I had a lot of fun with her. And we didn't go deep. We didn't hear about all each other's problems. We just had fun. Yep. It's a good escape for you too. I mean, this is on your mind so much. That's just a good way to just kind of get your head out of it too. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Good luck. We'll be thinking of it. Go on. Have a lot of fun. Yes, I will go have some fun with some men. That's right. Go have some fun with some men.

Hello. Hi there. How are we doing? Good. You're on with Jake and Gareth. Can we ask your name? Yeah, no, sure. I'm, well, this is also my problem. I'm, my real name's Chris, but everyone calls me Dougie. Your real name is Chris, but everybody calls you Dougie. And where, and what do you like to be called? Well, honestly, it's either or. I'm mostly, probably Dougie. I think this is part of the problem, my man.

Yeah, we're getting right in. I mean, this is the soft introduction and it's already complicated. So your name is Chris. You go by Dougie. You'd probably prefer to be called Dougie. Is your middle name Douglas? Nope. Dougie has nothing to do with my legal name. Chris, walk us through the backstory of how we got to people calling you Dougie.

Yeah, no. First of all, honored to be talking to you guys. It's like I'm talking to my therapist right now. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Now we're talking, Dougie. Lean in, baby. Lean in. So, like, in the sixth grade, I'm one of five, and I'm the youngest. One of my brothers...

Just started calling me Doug. And he said his reasoning was I looked more like a Doug than a Chris. So by the time I went to high school, high school, like teachers, coaches, because he played football in his senior year for his film class. You have to make like an original movie.

and he wrote about a kid wanting to play basketball but his dad wants him to play the saxophone and it was called dougie mcbucket i was dougie mcbuckets in it so everybody like all the older kids would call me dougie and by the time i went to high school like i i didn't really think about it because like like i did before i introduced myself hi my name's chris but everyone calls me dougie i said that for like the first week and dougie just like

So you're Dougie McBuckets? Yeah, that's what the movie's called. So you're basically, you're the real life McLovin. Yeah. You have a nickname that's going to live on forever. You're Dougie McBuckets. That's how people know you. Yeah. So I've got a question for you, Doug. Yeah. What's your question today, my guy?

Because it sounds like Chris is kind of the name, but you look like a Dougie. Dougie McBuckets was a star saxophone player. You got a lot of heat in high school. Your older brother walked you through school. So as a 14-year-old geek, you're fucking Dougie McBuckets.

Buckets, man. Yeah, you had a hook. You had a hook and entered into college. What a wonderful brother you got. So I appreciate this call and so does my guy Garfield McNuggets. Thank you for the respect. What's the problemo, amigo?

So thank you for asking. So the question is, should I legally change my name to Dougie Douglas? Let me ask you a question. How do your parents feel about this going on? They're the ones who named you. What do they call you and how do they feel about this? So I'm...

I mean, obviously Chris has a great meaning to them. I'm a twin and my twin sister's named Kara. So Chris and Kara, that goes pretty well. So instead we're going Chris and Dougie McFuckin? Okay. Okay. At least you could say her brother's badass. That's all. Sure. But your parents are attached to the name Chris. Like, yes. I mean, they know that everyone calls me Dougie because like parents weekend, whenever they visited...

And parents would be asking them, oh, like, who's your kid? They'd be like, Chris. And then they'd be like, oh, like, who the hell's Chris? Oh, Dougie, how are you? Where are your parents? Yeah. So, Dougie, are you thinking of genuinely, like, legally changing your name? Because as you get older, it's becoming a pain in the ass to tell people your name is not Chris? Kind of, yeah. Yeah, I understand. So this is a real thing for you? Yeah. Okay, I respect it. I get it.

Yeah, no, like I accepted a job like the other day and he originally knows me as Dougie. And as I went through the interview process, they're like, who the hell is Chris? It's crazy. It would be one thing if the name was close, but the fact that you're Dougie and then you have to say Chris, it is weird. Like processing your paperwork, being like, what the hell? Chris, what's your given middle name? Lewis. So it's Christopher Lewis? Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to lead out with some advice to change your name legally. It costs money. It's like a thousand bucks. It's a lot of paperwork. If you do it, I would add in Mick Buckets and I would legally, honestly, God, I would change your name to Douglas Mick Buckets and then go for the last name so that you have at least a joke for your entire life when you get married.

And Mrs. McBuckets, the future Mrs. McBuckets. No, Gareth, it's a middle name. OK, just so that the person up there who's, you know, the officiate has to go like, do you, Douglas McBuckets? As I'm hearing it, I want it to be the last. I mean, let's go. Let's turn it up to 11.

Mick Bucket, I mean, and that's a great way to find out if she's really in. If someone's willing to be called like Stacy McBuckets, McBuckets is where the name gets crazy. The name change of Dougie, I mean, yeah, it's a Douglas. I mean, a lot of people do that. I legally actually, when I was seven, wanted to change my name to Spike. My mother pushed back because she was English. But I think that the McBuckets...

I don't hate it being attached. When I was a little boy, I wanted to be Gary Coleman from different strokes in a real way. And on my birthday for two years in a row, I had my mother put happy birthday Arnold on it. I didn't go through the legal, but I was Arnold in my family for a while. Well, and that's obviously, I mean, that's just, we should dig into that in a very special episode because there's a lot there. But to get to 22,

and still wanted it. I think that means that you want it. And I think, and also I got to tell you from listening to you talk, I think you're a guy with a big sense of humor, Dougie. I think you, since high school, you like the weird heat. You like going in and being Dougie. If you legally go through the paperwork and the bullshit to change your name and you just go with Douglas Lewis, uh,

Then don't do it, my man. But if you're going to do it and you legally change your middle name to Mick Buckets, and then you keep your last name. So when you apply for a job, it's Dougie. But when you look at your driver's license, a cop has to go

Your middle name is McBuckets. And whoever's in the car, your friends, your kids, everybody laughs. I think it's worth it, man. I think it's a life story that you're going to like talking about till you're 70 years old and you're going to get a lot of people good laughs. You like it. Yeah. I do have one more pitch, one more side pitch. I think we're, we're Jake and I are locking in on, on the full change. I think,

Kara or Kara. I think we maybe need to get her to change the name too. I like Debra or I like Duckies.

So, OK. Yeah. I mean, I just think you're twins. So let's get Jake. Jake has twins. He'll tell you how important that. Oh, yeah. I forgot that the twin sister. You're trying to get him to get his sister to change her name. Well, he's leaving her hanging with the only C name. Come on over to the D side. Let's party. We are. We are exact opposites in this. Like she always hit the books and like she's really smart.

I mean, I'm smart, but not compared to her. But you're a big bucket smart. We get it. Hey, McNuggets, you're smart. We give good advice. Bingo. Our real advice to you, in my honest opinion, is I think you should do it, but I would really recommend adding the middle name.

Yeah. And just doing it for Doug. I think it's, I think you're squeezing a lot of juices and you're picking oranges and you're working your ass off for one glass of orange juice. Just go buy a bottle of orange. If you're going to do this, you want a driver's license that says Douglas McBuckets and then your last name. So somebody can go, what is that? And you tell the story of your brother and the saxophone guy. Yeah. And then you're in.

Yeah. I mean, if you explain it to that to a cop, they can't give you a ticket. Why would they? Yeah, exactly. Gareth, you got anything else on this one? No, I'm with that. My only at all pitch would be, you know, maybe tack on the last thing, but let me know if you need me to talk to Kara. Give me her email. I can definitely pitch the duck. It's her direction. If you actually do this, McPuckets, you're 22? Yeah, I'm 22. Here's what I recommend, Dougie.

I think you do a soft pitch to your siblings. Don't worry that much about your twin sister. It seems like she's not going to like it. I'll handle that. Like Jake's saying, I'll handle her. Gareth has her. Maybe throw it by your older brother. And if the family all goes, Dougie, you're an idiot. Don't do this. Then we're the guys in the bar who led you wrong. If they laugh and your inner circle goes, oh, great.

Then I say, not only do you go for it, but you keep us in the loop because we would love to have your ID. A photo of it will knock away your address with the new name. That's a big win. Walking out of this earth on your gravestone and your name being the day you were born, the day you died, father, husband, friend.

Douglas McBuckets. Incredible, my man. The wild legacy, bud. But if you do it, keep us in the loop, buddy. Please. Oh, I definitely will keep you guys in the loop. You know what? Thank you so much. This is an identity crisis that I think has been solved. So thank you. You're very welcome. Godspeed, Dougie. Yeah, no, thank you so much for having me.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.