180: Hotdog Party & Backdoor Boys
01:10:49 Share

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back. Cool tattoos, Natalie. Boy, are we. Well, thanks. What are the tats? What's left arm?

This one is from Golden Compass. Wow. It's a fantasy book. Big nerd. It's a compass and what's on top of that? A kangaroo?

Yeah. Yep. Ooh. No, it's a mouse. Oh, it's a mouse. Cool. No tattoos, Jake? Me, no. You know what tattoo I almost got at 15, and I am so happy I don't have. I think I've told you this, Gareth. I don't know. Based off my love of my mother, Eve, and the book she used to read to me, The Giving Tree. Ah, it's a great book. I was going to get the best, but I was going to get a tree stump on my ankle, and

And then when I was married, I was going to get my initials plus hers. And then when we had kids, I was going to have roots going down into my feet. And I thought like this was planned at 15. Hmm. It's endearing. It's endearing. I find it endearing. But also I'm wearing American flag shorts. You're a trash pile. But wait, so you never got it.

So 15 was a big transitionary year for the old Jakester. Whoa. That was the year I dropped out of school. There was a lot cooking. Yeah. And in that year, I just didn't do it that year. And then when I went back to school, I didn't do it. And then a couple of years, like I kept thinking I was gonna, and then I hit like 17 and I thought, oh my God, I almost had a tree stump on my foot with like roots going in.

Who was going to give you a tattoo at 15? This was going to be like someone's house. 1990s Chicago would have been fun. Yeah. Back when tattoos were very different and it was like tattoos were scary. Yeah, you could have gotten them pretty easily then. That giving tree would have looked like shit too. It was going to look terrible. Did you tell your mom that you were thinking about this? I don't know if I told Eve this. She wouldn't have been into it.

She doesn't like tattoos. It's wild. It's a wild move. Rob's mom hates tattoos. She almost cried when I came home with my half sleeve. How many tats do you have, Rob? A lot. Yeah. He's got one for his mom and she still doesn't like it. She didn't love it. Yeah. It's pandering. Well, it's, I mean, she hates them. Yeah. So it's a, it's a little bittersweet of a gift.

It's like giving an alcoholic Johnny, like Johnny Walker blue. It's really for once she dies. Once she died. I will say guys, I will say Rob, you sounded like me there. It's just too much.

i hear you when i say that kind of stuff it's shocking when you hear it yeah no i love her a lot but it's more when she's just a meat sack in the ground for me to say like you know thanks my mother's like sending power of attorney emails right now and i'm like can we just not yeah is she really yeah how's mom doing

She's good, but that's nothing compared to my dad. My dad's been working on his will for eight years, and he doesn't have that much stuff. And he's always like, I've updated it. I'm like, did you have two file cabinets? What are you talking about? The guy who keeps working on the will on everyone's life. It's fine. Like a car in his garage that is like his dream car. He's like, we're getting closer. I'll tell you what.

Eve did something after Croco died. He had a great will. Very thought out, very appreciative. You go afterwards, you're like, homeboy thought of everything. And so I brought it up to Eve and I was like, what are you thinking? And she goes, here's what I'm thinking. Don't just throw my clothes out in goodwill. And I go, well, what would you like me to do with a 10-year-old t-shirt if not goodwill? She goes, I don't want my stuff in goodwill. And I literally went...

I don't know what to do with all your clothes then. What do I have to do? Save them? I'm not a 75-year-old woman. We have different frames. That's great. What do I have to happen to be close to a woman who's your size and go, want old sweatpants things? That is a great thing to put in your will, just to be like, don't donate these. Don't get rid of my stuff.

Well, now you're dead. So you have to honor. That's a Pam. What's your problem? Keep, keep going. Natalie. No, stop Natalie. That's a Pam. Your, your, your love of older women, because you're looking for someone to take these clothes off. Again, that it's different when I say it, hearing it too soon. Yeah. What you're doing is just, it's not like, it's like, it's not a bit.

That's the problem. You're entering like... Are they similar sizes? Maybe at this point. I don't know. Will Pam fit in her clothes? We're not going to be dressing Pam and Nev outfits. So let's stop that now. By the way, if I did and I liked it, what am I really saying? Actually, maybe it is good because it should get you further away from whatever's been happening. But it doesn't. Ugh.

That's the tone. Agreed. It's the fact that you're also just wearing like a shower curtain as your shorts. Just slim, thin, fat. I thought you were getting on my shirt too, and for that you could win also. So you're back in your house from Alaska. I'm back home for, I fly back Wednesday. Wow. I just needed to get home for a few days to see the children.

Are you having culture shock to be in regular lights? Yes. I got home. Well, I shot Friday night. Then I got on a plane at 2.15 a.m.,

flew to Seattle, transferred, flew home. So I was as weird as I've ever been on that plane. Yeah. That in-between sleep reality stuff. Oh, the rhythm is the weirdest. Where like, I don't think I slept, but I know that wasn't four hours. So explain what happened. Yeah. It's not worth it. But how great is that Alaska, that Anchorage airport? It's wild. Everything about Anchorage is pretty wild. You like it?

- Yeah, you know, I do. But Alaska, I mean, what I love about Alaska is everywhere around how close it is to get to things like Whittier, Seward, Goodwood, all these towns that are so unthinkably beautiful. Where like we went down to the, one of the producers, Ashley, her husband is a pilot and he's got this tiny little plane.

So we were flying around everywhere. I'm like days off. We flew down to Homer, Alaska, then jumped on a boat, went to this like private little cove. And I'm like, what world is this? So good. So do I like Anchorage? Not downtown Anchorage.

Are there bars in Anchorage that are great? Absolutely. Doesn't the downtown remind you a little bit of bars when we grew up, though? Like a 15-year-old could get a tattoo down there? Talking about where I would have gotten my Giving Tree tattoo? Anchorage. Completely.

By the way, they still have vending machines with cigarettes. See, this is what this is. That's what I mean. It's different. I love it. But there was the time in the 90s when you look back and I was like, how did all that happen? There was fully going to bars. You knew the bars that would let you in.

How do you get cigarettes? You buy them at a gas station. The cigarette vending machine was the greatest. I used to walk like three miles with like I ran an arcade in like my cargo shorts to go down there and just buy like Paul Malls from a vending machine in like a bowling alley. Yeah. All right. Anyway, we have a great show. We're excited to get into it. And we're not going to say another word without further ado.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the one and only Squarespace. We've got a lot of fun Squarespace stuff. Look, you hear me talk about Squarespace all the time, not only because I use it for my own personal website and have the entire time I've had a website, it's because they keep building up and they've helped the show.

Squarespace has helped the show. Don't forget that we made a website for a woman to pretend that she was taking a cooking class so that she could go have naughty times. Okay? That's this show. We did that with Squarespace. Squarespace is a great place to get a website or domain account.

up and running, and they just keep adding more and more things. They are offering more services. It's easy to get consultations for events or experiences, showcases your offerings. There's cutting edge design. There's SEO tools, Squarespace domains.

Just makes it easy to find the best website name for your business in a fair, inclusive price. Let's say you want donations coming in for your website. So you can build in donation tools. We're starting to sell merch on one of my websites that I have through Squarespace. They just could not make it easier. There's videos because it makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage with clients on video content on your website.

I don't know what you're waiting for, so head to squarespace.com slash gillsentme for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code gillsentme to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's gillsentme, squarespace.com slash gillsentme. We love them. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hungry Root.

It's very difficult to plan your meals ahead of time, to eat healthy. And what Hungry Root does is it basically gives you the opportunity to have your shopping cart filled for you and your meals for the week decided on. It takes kind of all the work off

of worrying about your food. It takes it off your plate, as we like to say around the Hungry Root facilities, where I am often. But it really does. With over 15,000 quick recipes shipped each week, a lot of them just ready in 15 minutes. It has a

wide variety, a wide selection. You got smoothies, snacks for kids, sweets, and truly whatever your diet is, whatever you're going for, if you want high protein or you want vegetarian or you want gluten-free. I recently got like a chickpea bowl from Hungry Root that was absolutely delicious. I just can't say enough good stuff about it. Just truly great food. You

easy to diet. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com slash Here to Help and use code HERETOHELP. That's HungryRoot.com slash HERETOHELP. Code HERETOHELP to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. HungryRoot.com slash HERETOHELP. Code HERETOHELP.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Look, while the summer's here, you're planning your beach trips, you got your three-day weekends, you got a lot going on, and your wireless bill should be the last thing that's giving you agita or bothering you. That's why I made the switch to Mint Mobile with plans starting at $15 a month.

It just gives you the same thing everyone else talks about. The nation's largest 5G network, coverage speed you used to. So I don't know why you bother paying so much money for your monthly bill. Unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you. They should wear a...

superhero. I'll stop pitching. But I love Mint Mobile. It makes it as easy and as affordable as possible. You're not going to miss the quality. You're going to save money. And that's really all they're telling you. They're saying, why pay more? So this year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com slash here to help. That's mintmobile.com slash here to help.

Upfront payment of $45 for three-month, five-gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for the first three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Hello. Hello, hello. Hello, hello. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, where you're calling from, and your rough age, please?

Sure. I'm JoJo. I am calling from Texas. I'm just going to say a large city in Texas. Sure. And I'm 36. 36. And JoJo, we've been having a little bit of fun with this question here, so why don't we just do it real quick? Your life memoir gets released. You've written it. What are you titling? What is the title of your life memoir, JoJo? Oh my gosh. Um...

I've always thought that like it would be something about being friends with everyone, like a friend to all. I feel like something like that would be so sweet. It's lovely. Well, you know what the saying is.

What's this thing? A friend to all is a friend to none. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. He went small town Texas on you. Well, that's what they say there, kid. If you're friends with everybody, baby girl, you ain't friends with nobody. Okay. All right. All right, Judge. I just need one friend. All right. Who? You? That's sad. My Smith and Wesson, baby. Your gun? Sir, that is really sad.

JoJo, what's the problem? JoJo, what's going on? What can we help you with? Yeah, so I was at a large hospital. It has one of those coffee stands. You know, you can go get coffee. I usually bring coffee from home, but every once in a while I'll go up there. And sometime around, like when we were coming back from the pandemic, everyone was wearing masks. I noticed that the coffee lady was being like especially friendly to me.

So I went up there at one point. She said, oh, my gosh, your coffee's on me. You know, you do so much for us. It's the least I can do. And I thought at the time, maybe, you know, I work in mental health. So maybe she was just referencing like us being kind of helpful during this difficult time. I just kind of let that go. But she kept being super nice.

At one point, though, she asked me about a hot dog party that I was having for my employees, which is definitely not a thing that I was doing. She made up a hot dog party? No, like she, so she thought I was someone else. So there's this person. Yeah. So I kind of like, I was like, oh, I'm not sure about that. She looked at me really strangely, but I realized that she thinks I'm someone else.

Yeah. So like stuff like this kept happening. I didn't really correct her. There may have been other free coffees. But like, I think that this other person looks so much like me. We, you know, we no longer are wearing masks. So I thought at first, like maybe she was confusing me with someone else because of that. But she's like, she talks about these meetings that we have had. So I

So I think they must be interacting really frequently and we must look really similar. Fascinating problem. You're in pretty deep too. It's been going on for years. It's been going on for years. I haven't said anything. I know. But it kind of escalated about two weeks ago. And that's like, I've been meaning to call in about the situation overall, but then I realized like, I cannot keep this up and I gotta, I gotta get some help here.

Good. How did it escalate? Yeah. So, um, yeah, about two weeks ago, she, so she, first of all, huge lead in the case. She called me by the doppelganger's name. So I, I got the first name. Okay. And then she, we're going to go with a, a close name. I'm just going to call her Ashley. So other than any chance you got the last name too, or no.

No, just the first name. Okay. I know. I know. But yeah, so the copy lady wanted me to get involved in this like conflict with another employee, something about like hairnets and ice machine permissions. And I was so uncomfortable, but I couldn't really tell her she had the wrong person. So, okay. Just to give a little life to this moment, she says to you,

something like Ashley, I don't think we should have to wear hairnets and you know, I should be free. Do you, are you still standing in the same ground? And you were like, exactly. Totally agree. Like you just played in, let it go. Yeah, it was. So she had gone and another employee had called her out for not wearing a hairnet, but she was wearing a hairnet. And so she was like, Ashley, I need you to know I would never, I would never do that. Of course I would follow the rules. And I was like,

Yeah, I know. You're so great. Like, of course you would never break a rule. And I was trying to get away, but she was so intense about it. Yikes. I've got a question. Yeah. Sure. What the hell's a hot dog party? Jake, you look like exactly the kind of guy who hosts a hot dog party. Well, I would. That's why I'm asking. Well.

When I get back from Alaska, I want to throw a hot dog party. I just for the life of me can't figure out what it is. You just give everybody hot dogs? Yeah, the free hot dogs. You got a hot dog pinata? Yeah, you got a bunch of hot dog themed stuff. Photos on the wall of hot dogs. You got a cake with a big hot dog on it. Wear a hat with a hot dog on it. Like this feels like the wrong kind of party. You're just advertising hot dogs everywhere. There's photos of hot dogs. At a hospital? Yeah.

Okay. Conference rooms closed today for a hot dog party. Yeah. And if somebody goes like this, ah, right on. Great. Have fun. They're crazy. Yeah. Oh, cool. If the question isn't what the hell's a hot dog party, everybody's crazy. That's a good idea. So I'm having a sausage soiree. Quick question for you, Jojo. When she said, how was the hot dog party? Well, how,

What's your response? Really weird. Did you go like this? Great. Thanks for the free coffee. Or did your thoughts go, what? Having to yes and a hot dog party. But Jojo, then we'll get off this hot dog madness. I'm just obsessing. Did you ask any follow-ups or did we just push past?

At the time, I was kind of baffled. So she was like, I heard you were having this party. And I just said, okay.

Oh, like, I'm not sure. And she like looked at me so strangely. And then I just kind of ran away. So glad that you circled back on this, Jake, because the moment of someone saying to you, I heard you had a hot dog party and you having to kind of just find a way to have a response. You just want a free coffee. Heard you had a hot dog party. Yeah, it was fun. It was fun. Just a large. Yeah, I'll take a large. What happened?

just gave out like a thousand hot dogs. A little room for cream. A little room for cream would be great. So what else happened? Did everybody eat hot dogs? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. How many hot dogs did you give out? Oh, two. People don't eat beyond that. I gotta run. Those lucky bastards. I know. Gosh. Look at that hair net. Later. Did you have a big

bucket of just cooking hot dogs? Nope, not a bucket. Over a fire? No, just, yeah, I don't, I gotta, I have to go. I'm leaving. Ah, what a party. Hey, next time I'd love to be at the hot dog party. We're not gonna do one again, ever. We're done with them. Slip me in the pack like I'm just one of the hot dogs. That'd be a dream.

Anyway, you want a muffin or something? No, no, no. I got to go now. Man, the next customer comes up, man, she throws the best hot dog parties. Or she's just saying it to everyone. She's out of her mind. I heard you had a hot dog party. JoJo, I got a first pitch. Okay, well, can I tell you my question first? Sure, sure.

How do I throw a hot dog party? Where's the best place for a hot dog party? That would be a great bonus. My question isn't really how to end the situation. It's really like, how do I buy

find my doppelganger. I really want to meet her and see how similar we are. Yeah. Hey, Jojo. Great. Thank you for asking that question. Yeah, because we're about to pitch in a different direction. The pitch I was going to say is throw a fake hot dog party. Also an interesting one.

retroactively fit the lie you've been living? - And start weirding her out so that she stops asking you questions and stops liking you. But your question's better, and that is how do we find fake you? How many people are in this hospital working? Tons.

Oh, so it's a huge, yeah, it's a very, very big hospital. I do have like a lead, right? So I've got her first name and then did a little bit of internet sleuthing and a possible person it could be. But like the photo's kind of small. It's, you know, it's probably an older photo. I can't really tell. I don't know if it's her, but it might be. I have an idea. Go ahead. Jojo, here's what I think you need to do.

Take a photo of you wearing a mask, make it look grainy and say, uh, put, make signs up and go looking for this person. She dropped a bag full of hot dogs, heard her go by the name of Ashley would love to return. She's awfully nice email here. If you know who this person is, first name, Ashley bag of hot dogs. Okay.

- Amazing. - And no bad, like really nice person, nothing about this is negative, just looking to say thanks. Or this person invited me to a hot dog party, just wanna say thanks. So people go like, there's not trouble, but that you are talking, then they'll go email you. You're talking about like Ashley, you know, Reynolds. - It's got a nice ring to it. - I like that. I wonder if we can start,

milking some more information out of Coffee Woman about who you are to her. Like, is there a way to start to kind of, in conversation, engage her in a way where she... It's really difficult. You know what this pitch is called? We'll now have a new pitch for it. Columbo? No, they're all Columbo. This one's called... Title...

Milk the cow. Milk the cow. Maybe we can milk the cow a little bit. We need to, we need to do that. We need to find a way to now, is this the only coffee place in the entire building? Yeah. I mean, you can get some at like the cafeteria. Right. But this is like, I have a, I, here's a, here's a crazy pitch. Um,

My crazy... Is there like an area to sit and have your coffee? No, not up there. You can like stand around, but there's not... It's not like a little cafe or anything. It's just right in the front of the atrium when you walk in. This is what I would suggest. This is a crazy one. And I think that we're probably going to nix this quickly. But why don't you...

Sit out there on a day off and just wait and watch people who go in there. Wear a mask so you're incognito. Put a hat on. You're talking about a stakeout. I'm talking about a stakeout. Bring pistachios. Bring pistachios. Smoke a couple grits. Really make a day of it.

Have a partner. Have a hot dog, for God's sake. But if you need a partner. You're wasting away over there, JoJo. But JoJo, if you're white, your partner's got to be black. If you're black, your partner's got to be white. Without question, we can't have two of the same race. Makes no sense. Not on a stakeout. And at one point, one of you has to look to the other and be like, I'm getting a little too old for this shit. Yeah, I can't keep doing this. And right at that moment, you go like this. Wait. Wait. That might be her. Wait.

So much take. She sits there for two hours and eats like five meals. Just boxes surrounding her. She's smoking. What do you think of a stakeout, JoJo? I'm not opposed to it. Yeah. I could find a way to do that. I mean, we know she goes there. Yes. You know what else we could do? The sign you're talking about hanging Jake. Yeah.

We could hang a sign outside of the coffee place that is away from the woman working in there that only people walking in could see. And it could say something like, did you throw a hot dog party however long ago? Please contact me. I want to get the details for my own. Something like that. Jojo, I don't hate it. I don't hate it either. I don't hate the idea of going...

Looking to throw a hot dog party for my kid. Someone threw a great hot dog party. If you did, please email here. And then you just go hot dog party lady at gmail.com. And by the way, it's not taken.

That email's open. Oh, fantastic. Now it's taken. Believe me. Jake. You need to be hot dog lady 48 or something like that because I got the first 45. Jojo. Not okay. I've also got the website. I'm also working on the app, hot dog lady. The app, hot dog party app. I want everyone to be able to use it. This thing's $30. Yeah, well, it's worth it. You can throw a hot dog party anywhere. And what we do is we provide the hot dogs and the buns. I can get those.

Yeah, I don't know. Part of me thinks that these might be starting off points, and then I do think there's something to try to just milk some information out of the coffee woman. Which could be really smooth. Yeah, I just don't know how exactly to play it. I have a pitch on how to. Okay. Gareth, you be coffee lady. Okay. I'll be Moe.

No, you won't be. Because Moe passed away in a drowning. By the way, this would work with her. JoJo, can I ask you a question? Are you familiar with our characters Piggly and Moe?

Yeah, of course. You sound really into the idea, which is great for us because we recently have killed them off of the show. And we've only received we've received a number of voice memos today about how thankful people are that they're gone. Did you have an opinion on Piggly Moe? Anything positive, negative, neutral? Be honest. This is a safe space.

No, I'm devastated to hear their demise. I really enjoyed Pickley and Bell. Well, the audience killed them. Okay. But here's how we could do this. Actually, JoJo, will you be the coffee lady? Oh, come on. Sorry, Gareth. Sure. I just remembered other comments they have where they say we leave the collar out too much. Can I be the customer right before? Yes. Thank you.

I just love the work. So let's try this. And three, two, one, Piggly and Moe. That's our new way of saying action. Okay, okay, okay. And now we can stop talking Piggly and Moe because they're going to go, now you talk too much about Piggly and Moe. Yeah, now the show's all you guys talking about how Piggly and Moe are going to know. Piggly and Moe is the new term for action. Great, I love it. Three, two, one, Piggly and Moe. Oh, and you don't have any muffins today, do you?

Just that one over there, just the last blueberry. Looks gross. Okay, I'll wait over here for my coffee. Sure, have a nice day. Thank you. Sorry, I'm just throwing how short that was. You know what? I'll take the muffin. Knowing you, customer. I'll take the muffin. You have to be kicked out. I'll take the muffin. I'm going to give it to my son. He's staying with me. He was just laid off. He's 32.

Can you believe that? I had to move my treadmill out of his room because I turned it into a little gym. It is interesting how your accent's changing to an old throwback character. Your turn will be soon, sir. All right, hold on. I got to step up here. I'm looking to throw a hot dog party, ma'am. Oh, I'll wait over here. Just put the muffin in the bag. Hi, how are you? Hey, girl. How are you doing today? That's good, girl. How are you?

I'm doing great. It's so nice to see you up here as always. You too. Hey, will you remind me, sorry girl, I haven't had my coffee yet. What were we talking about the other day? Oh, you know that meeting that we had about the ice machine? Is that what you mean? Yeah, I'm trying to remember which one. I'm so sorry, but my head has been like in the clouds, girl. You know how it goes. What was the meeting again? I know.

That's why I love your coffee, girl. But what was that meeting? Yeah, well, you were so kind to let us use your ice machine because ours is broken up here. So remember we had talked about you like told me it was OK for us to go in there and use your ice. I so appreciate it. Thank you so much. Yeah. So you let us know that would be OK. So we've been doing that the last couple of weeks.

Okay, Gareth, jump in as the girl. Now let's both be her and try to figure out how to do this. Because we're very close to something here. JoJo, this is really how the coffee shop lady is. Milking the cow could be the way. I think so. This is also insane, JoJo. And this really might be a bad pitch. But is there any world you could go in a disguise with a voice and go, like, Hey, girl, sorry.

Was there a girl, woman here who kind of looks like... And describe yourself? Who, like, threw a hot dog party? I got to give her a gift card for, like, Dunkin' Donuts. What floor she work in? Okay. But I wouldn't do that voice, obviously. You know where I'm going here. Nobody would. But what you could do is show up with...

Keep going. We're right there. In some kind of disguise, like a wig, a weird hat, a mask. We're going Doubtfire now. We're Doubtfiring. Go in there, show a grainy picture of yourself. Yeah, in a mask. And say...

I was supposed to meet this woman here for coffee. She works here. She threw a hot dog party or something like that. I just want to give her a gift as a thank you. She's been so helpful to my family. Do you know what her name is or where she works in the building? And just see if you can get any. You could also do this. Have a friend do it or a significant other. Or do this, JoJo.

There was a woman who came in here who looked like this. And you show the photo and you go, she was so kind to me. Can you leave her this as a little gift? And it's just a gift card with a little note with an email on it saying, thank you for your kindness, so that she gives it to her. Then the woman emails a thank you, like, thank you for the card. I don't remember you, but that's awfully generous. Now you got her. I like it too. That's called the...

Jojo Trap. I like that too. I think that's pretty good. I think you could have... If you want to avoid going to your work in a disguise, you can have someone else do that for you with that set up.

the picture she threw the hot dog party it's just such a clear thing and you just want to say i just you get her a 50 gift card to something take it easy daddy warbucks come on we want to make the email possible what are you going to do eight

Did you say they don't make $8 gift cards? You can put in whatever amount you want. Someone isn't gift carding a lot of people. You just outed yourself. You just outed yourself, Mo. But whatever it is. And I like that too. I think that's another way to maybe, you know, that's a slower play, but that's a place to start. So JoJo, I got to tell you, we've thrown some hitters at you. What are you thinking? Yeah. Gosh. As much as I...

Would love to like try and do a disguise. I'm not sure how, how skilled I am. Mask and big glasses. Yeah. And then just before we go on, give me three different voices. I was going to say, but I don't want you to think about it. Don't get nervous. We're all terrible. You heard how bad mine were. So give me the first one. Start off with Jojo. Tell us her name and then go.

Tell me, oh, the name of the character that I'm playing? The character's name, make it up as you go. What's her name? Character number one, and go. Hey, I'm Sally. I'm just coming up to the cashier to get me some coffee. Wonderful. Sally Works, number two. Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm just here. Let's go a little bit away from Sally. Maybe older, older. Think older. What do you sound like as a 60-year-old?

who smokes okay lifelong smoker love the slots yeah uh this is gian and and i'm here to get some some coffee for the day you are gian good so we got two great characters the third one is you just picked up the kids at soccer you do every pta meeting you're just

The sweetest old pumpkin pie in the world. But you're crazy. And you've got a dark secret. I hate hot dog parties. You hate hot dog parties. And you are bad news. What's her name? JoJo. What's her name? What's her name? Barbie with a secret.

Well, Barb seems like a good name for that. Barb it is. In three, two, one, Piggly and Moe. Hey, lady, I just got done. Sounds a lot like JoJo. That's JoJo. Why are you lying to me? Why are you doing this, JoJo? Remember, we can't be JoJo. Three, two, one, Piggly and Goh.

Hey girl, I just dropped off the kids at soccer and I'm just here to get my matcha strawberry vanilla extra latte. How you been? I think we go with Gianna or Sally and I think we got a winner here. But what do you think, Jojo, of this going in as a character? Is this something you might try to actually do?

Oh, my God. I think I would. I'm a little nervous. I think I would do this. Why not have some fun with it? Oh, JoJo. I think you can pull it off. I really do. Here's one of the things...

Here's one of the things, like, having worked on, like, prank shows before, you forget and you got to realize nobody thinks someone's going to do this. That's exactly right. So you've got to remember she's not, like, on the lookout for someone pretending to dig up facts about a hot dog party. Now, JoJo, I'm going to ask you to do something crazy that is half for fun but not full Piggly and Moe because it's also, I think, it's going to help us. Who are you going to be, Sally or Giann?

Who do you like more? I mean, I think Sally's probably easier for me to pull. Good, then do it, then do it. Okay, so now I need you to be Sally and I need you to be the coffee lady because you know the coffee lady well and take a guess of how it's going to go. Remember, the goal of this is to give her something to give to the other you so the other you can respond to the email, right?

So will you do both characters so we can see to the best of your ability if this has a fighting chance or not? Okay, I can try. Okay, three, two, one, Piggly and go. Hi, good morning. It's nice to see you. How are you today? Okay, I'm doing great. How about you?

Oh, well, you know, it's been a slow start to the morning. Hey, listen, I was wondering if you could do something for me. There's this really nice lady who helped me out the other day. I actually got a picture of her here.

You know, she was just so kind and I wanted to thank her. So I left her a little note and my contact information. Would you be able to give that to her for me? Yeah, sure. I can do that. I think I know who this is. You do? Yeah, I think that's actually Ashley. Does that sound like the right name? I'm not sure, Courtney, but I trust you to get that to her. Thank you.

Yes. You're welcome. That's great. The only thing I'd say is why not say her name's Ashley? Yeah, why did you make it harder on yourself? Say like all, I can't remember her name's Ashley. I think her name's Ashley, but I don't know her last name. Do you know what you're saying? That's perfect. Okay, I didn't even think of that. She's a wonderful lady. I think her name is Ashley. Yeah. Then she's just waiting for this one woman.

But JoJo, that's phenomenal. That was phenomenal. Can I make some outfit suggestions? Yes. I want big glasses. Go to the Goodwill, get a big set of old lady glasses. Huge cigarette. Chew gum during the whole thing and have some big lipstick on. Like a big color. Okay. By the way, I love all that. A lot of gum will change your character. Oh, yeah. Gum will help. Also, right before you go on, drink two Red Bulls.

Yeah. Right before you go in, go grab a coffee. Just, I want you to be so jacked up that you have shaky hands. So she's like, oh, honey, relax. And you're going like. Let's do this the day before you have a day off so that the next day you're not in any trouble of being involved in the. Or just make sure you've got two days in a row where you just get your coffee from the other stand. Yeah. Yep.

Perfect. Perfect. I can do that. Hey, JoJo, will you take a picture of yourself in the outfit? But voice note the whole thing. Be holding onto your phone. Please. Oh, I'll be really bad. You've got to record this. Wear the wire. But we got to see what you look like. And then you got to Donnie Brasco it. Wear the wire. Wear the wire.

Wild. Make her sleep with the fish. Well, that's killing her. We're not going to do that. I'm not here for that. Yeah. Well, throw a hot dog party. That means kill her. No, it doesn't. That does not mean what that means. Hey, you're going to get promoted, Garrett. Come to my hot dog party. Forget about it. Sit in the front seat of the Oldsmobile. I decided we've got to get rid of Garrett. We're going to make him a hot dog party. Yeah. He'll come. We're going to throw him a hot dog party. Hey, come to my hot dog party in the basement in New Jersey.

Hey, wait a minute. Are you guys throwing me a hot dog party? Why are all these tarps down? Pop, pop, pop, pop. So, JoJo, will you please follow up? I think this is going to work. I do, too. Oh, my God, absolutely. Thank you. Thank you for the great call. Can't wait. Can't wait. Thank you so much. Y'all have a great rest of your day. Y'all, too. Now I need you to Piggly and go. Yay. And don't make it Piggly and slow. Scram now, would you? Thank you, JoJo. And with my shirts off, it's definitely Piggly and Doe.

I don't know why it went there. Please stop. And you on the road, it's Piggly and Blow. Well, every now and then. A little something to get me ready before the Piggly and Show. Thank you so much. All right. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Quince.

And we at We're Here to Help are brought to you by Quince. Oh, truly just the best clothes. They have it all. What do you want? You want a cotton silk polo, a European linen beach short combo, comfortable pants? What do you want, pants for your hands? They don't have that, but they have clothes that make sense. It's half the cost of similar brands by working directly with artisans, cutting out the middlemen. Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markups.

I love quints. I truly take quints on the road with me all the time. If I want to look good, I get quints. I have this corduroy jacket that I do not stop wearing. I'm big into it. Completely has just changed my closet in the best way possible. Stick to the staples that last with elevated essentials from quints. Go to quints.com slash here to help for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash heretohelp to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash heretohelp. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Smalls. Smalls cat food is a protein-packed recipe made with preservative-free ingredients that you would find in your fridge. So instead of just putting your cat in the fridge...

This is a better way to do it. There are a lot of great reviews. Why don't we talk about Jennifer M.? We love her. And she said, quote,

Thank you, Jennifer. And this company was started in 2017 by a couple who basically just were like, I'm going to start cooking food for my cat. We've all been there. I have gotten Smalls for my cat, Jose. He loves Smalls. And what everyone is saying is true. It really is just, it's a game changer. I don't know why it takes so long for us to come to these realizations that non-preservative based animals

Additive food is the right way to go. But after switching to Smalls, 88% of cat owners report overall health improvements. That's enormous. So what are you waiting for? Give your cat the food they deserve for a limited time only because you are a listener of our show. You can get 35% off of Smalls plus an additional 50% off your first order by using my code here to help. That's an additional 50% off when you head to Smalls.com and use promo code here to help. Again,

That's promo code HERE2HELP for an additional 50% off your first order, plus free shipping at Smalls.com. This episode is sponsored by Kajava.

Cachava, Jake. Big fan of Cachava. Basically, it's a protein energizing drink that you can take with you anywhere. There's a lot of times, I mean, I know both of us, when you're like working, you're out of your comfort zone, sometimes you need a quick boost of energy or protein. I'll tell you what, Gareth, I brought it with me to Alaska. Yeah.

I was enjoying the goji berries, the chia seeds. I felt very healthy. It was 25 grams of 100% plant-based protein. I like the chocolate. I like the vanilla. It was healthy and delicious. I like the matcha and the coconut acai. There's a lot of flavors, but like Jake said, 25 grams of protein, which is a lot. And like we said, the flavors are chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, or coconut acai.

Two scoops, giving you a bunch of superfoods, no artificials, flavors. It's non-GMO. There's no soy. There's no animal products. But what it does have is great flavor and lots of protein. So you're going to love it. It tastes genuinely good. It really does. And it gives you everything you want. So if you're looking for something nice and easy to get all your health in, you can do it with Fro. You can do it in a smoothie. I add a little bit of peanut butter to it. I make a little smoothie in the morning with the ice and I enjoy it.

So try Kachava, K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com, code HERETOHELP for 15% off. That's Kachava, K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com, code HERETOHELP for 15% off. Hello.

Hello. Hello there. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, we will go with Nick for this. Roughly 30 and calling from Utah. Utah. And...

Nick, I think Utah is the most beautiful state, if I may. More than Alaska? Yeah. Alaska's maybe better. I would say in the landlocked, it's maybe the best out of 48. Nick, you write a memoir. It's about your life. What are you going to go with as the title? Oh, I would go with...

making it through one day at a time, one laugh at a time. I don't know. Something like that. Okay. I talked to the publisher. They have some thoughts on that, but why don't you just jump into the problem and we'll try to help you out. What do you got? Yeah. So look, I'm going to need to be straight with you guys. I need to know that you guys are on my side before I jump into the prompt. Yeah.

need to confirm that because this is, you know, it's going to be out there a little bit, but, um, we're, we're very public that, uh, we are always on the caller side. So we are on your side. Um, it might get sticky to, to, to that, but we're definitely going to pitch in a direction to solve your problem. Even if we got to kind of, you know, be the uncles a little bit and say, yeah, what were you thinking? But we are, we will try to solve your problem. That's a promise.

A premise and a promise. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. Okay. So, so the setup is, um, I worked for a smaller company, uh,

in Utah. And when I started, there was kind of a group of guys who would go to the gym together. So I was like, you know, I would love to find my way to get into there and, you know, be one of the boys to get by the gym. Well, found my way in, which is great. But I quickly learned that going to the gym for them means sitting in a steam room and

for 20 minutes and talking about, you know, most of the time it's talking about work, sometimes it's personal, different things like that. So the problem I'm having, I love steam rooms, I think they're great, sitting in a steam room with them is great. The problem I'm having, so when we sit in a steam room, we'll just sit in a towel and the gym provides towels, right, and they're white towels.

And so the problem I'm having is every time I sit in there, we're sitting in there for a good 20 minutes straight. It's always who can sit there the longest. We get really sweaty, different things like that. So the problem I'm having is no matter what I seem to do, I will always have a little shit stain on my towel by the end of the 20-minute session.

And I know what you're thinking right now. It's the simple solution, just wipe or clean your ass. Well, I do. And I've gone into it multiple times where I'm like, okay, right before we go, I'm going to do a couple extra wipes, different things like that. But I don't know if it's just

The way I'm sweating, if it's, you know, I don't know what's going on down there. There's got to be a solution, but I haven't found it. So would love to hear your guys' advice. Hey, Nick, we're not goddamn doctors. Have you heard our stupid show?

We pitch things like eat three things of bubble gum. Not why is there always shit in your ass even after you wiped? Good sir. This feels like you need big Lee and Mo. This is a couple of doctors. You need a proctologist assessment. But Nick, you're telling me. I thought your show was we're here to help. I thought you were here to help. Nick, you're dead right. We're not here to wipe. We might be.

but Nick you're dead right and we're for sure not turning on yet nobody wants you to walk out of there without a shit stand towel more than us aside from maybe you let's talk this out I'll tell you everything every delusion I've had so far

So I'll typically mornings, you know, I take a long time cleaning my ass. And then I will always make sure, you know, days that we're going to the gym, I'm always double, triple, sometimes even quadruple wiping, making sure it's all good down there. You shouldn't have to. No, you shouldn't. Do you shit in your pants during the day? Not that I know of. I don't think so. But, uh...

Okay. Keep going. So sometimes you will quadruple. Go ahead. Yeah. Maybe there's some disconnect. Maybe I've been doing it wrong my whole life, but I don't know. I, so I, uh, I've tried dude wipes, not a sponsor, but I've tried different things, you know, and it's sometimes, sometimes I've been able to figure it out, you know, but then the next day it'll be back. And I'm like, man, I, I don't know what I'm doing wrong here. You know, let me pitch you something. So have you ever used the bidet?

I have, yes. Thoughts on it, brother? Yeah, I'm all about the days. The problem is that we're an in-office company, so I can't really, they don't have one there, you know? How often are you dumping out in a day, brother? So that actually, it might be connected. I am an avid runner and an avid protein eater. Sounds like you got a runner in the back a lot. Sorry, I had to. I had to. I apologize. Go ahead, Nick.

So I'm frequenting in the bathroom. Three times a day? Maybe that's the problem. Three times a day? Three times in the morning. Three in the morning? Nick. Nick, was that for the day or more after?

There's always at least three in the morning, and then sometimes it'll be more, sometimes less afterwards. You're taking too many dumps, brother. Yeah, we're not going to have a consistency conversation on this call, but that's too many. Are you ever not taking a dump? Maybe your butthole doesn't know that you ever turned the faucet off.

It just goes, we remain open. Food comes in, just whenever it wants to leave, just leave. There's no exit at all. It's just on, brother. Three times in the morning, every day. Nick, that's wild. If that was it for the day, I think you could maybe get away with it. Maybe, but then you're saying to your body, why three times in the morning? It's a lot. And again, we're not going to have the consistency conversation, but obviously... What's the consistency? No, no.

For the most part, it's normal. It's healthy. I have healthy stools. I've looked it up. But the amount of times I go is probably the issue. You're talking in a day, if three's in the morning, by the time you go to bed, are we talking about six in a day? We've had six in a day. We've had seven in a day. Regularly? That's called diarrhea.

No, he's saying regularly. Okay. But you're talking regularly. The thing I always say, I'm on a, I'm on a schedule. Like I don't know exactly when, like it's, you know, right when I get to work sometimes before, but most of the time it's right when I get to work and then,

And then a couple, you know, coffees or whatever. And then I go again. And then another time right before lunch. You're saying you're on a schedule. You're not. You're you're it's. Well, he might be. What? So what is the schedule?

Well, what he just said. I mean, it's one in the morning and then a couple unpredictable ones, which is how it is for everyone, basically. That's not a schedule. That's like you're saying, like, I take shits. We all take shits. So you're not necessarily on a schedule, especially if you're going seven times in a day. There's a schedule, but you're just listening to your body like everybody does. Yours is just calling. That's it.

Yeah. Definitely not seven times every day. Can I give you some more context if it helps? Sure. It'll help. As I run, whenever I sweat, I always kind of say to people, I'm not a sweaty guy. My armpits never stink. It takes a lot to get me sweat. The reality is the first place I sweat out of is my butt.

And so even if I'm walking, even if I'm going, you know what I mean? And so that's where I'm like, can I be contributing to the problem? Is it too sweaty down there? You know what I mean? It could be. I'm going to have to ask a gross one, Jake. I'm sorry. I don't want to. Well, imagine the poor people eating during this. I know. There's people right now. You're sitting down at a kitchen table. Yeah. Cool.

No, no, no. We're absolutely ruining lives. Well, no, imagine me. I'm trying to enjoy a sauna session and this is happening to me. You know what I mean? What about me? We feel bad. Nick, we're on your side here. We're on your side. And we're about to ruin the lives of many to save yours. So we apologize to everyone who's, you know, just maybe they're like, hey, let me listen to this podcast. We're on a road trip. While I'm eating yogurt on the commute. Yeah, with fruit in it. This is my question for you, Nick.

How are you a hairy guy? Is it hairy back there? It's a good question. That is something I was thinking of. I, I'm not a hairy guy, but it is hairy back there. Is it hairy in there? Yes, of course it is. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let me ask you a question on the question, Nick. I'm not a hairy guy, but it's hairy down there. Define hairy guy.

Uh, you know, there's not a, not a lot of hair on my chest. There's, there's some hair on my nipples, but that's pretty much it. You know, but then it's like, yeah.

You got the crack here. Okay. And look, this is important, and I'm glad you answered honestly, because... Are you going to pitch something insane? Yes. Go for it. Brazilian. I knew you were going to say that. I want you to get it waxed, and I want to see if there's a difference. I want you to do it on a Friday afternoon after work where you're not going to be doing gym bros for a few days.

I think that might make a difference for you. I want to see what this does to you. Before we even go further with this insanity, which you're right, Gareth. I am right. We need a certain type of hero in Utah. Yep. And I don't know if we got that in Nick. Nick, are you willing to get it? First of all, how dare you? Knowing Nick the way that I know Nick, he's at his wit's end. I know he is. He's calling in. And he's going to do whatever it takes.

But this is different. I don't think... But he's tried everything. You think he's willing to try to get a... You're damn right I do. You're damn right I do. You think I'm emailing...

You think I'm emailing into a podcast about my dirty asshole and I'm not going to try everything? Nick, I'm wrong. You're right. Honestly, I'm offended. All right. Nat Attack, will you look at Brazilian... Brown eye of the tiger. So where in Utah are you, King? Well, we'll bleep that out. We'll bleep that out. And I'll tell you why I say this because we're going to pay for it. I was going to say...

We're going to make an appointment right now if you're okay with it. Nick, we don't want to clean out your bank account. We want to clean out your butt. You know what we're going to do, Nick, if you're comfortable with this, if you really do it, we're going to call the place right now and book the appointment for you and ask what we're looking to do. But we need you to go do it if this all works. Are you in 100%?

100%. I am in a thousand percent. I'm in. Brother, we're going to beep out all the details, obviously, but will you give to Nat? Nat, will you do a quick Google search, call a place that's close, see if we can get them on the line. And then we're going to book an appointment. Nick, we're going to need you talking about when you're available. So the three of us will, Oh no, you know what we'd love to do, Nick? You book the appointment. You do the talking. Okay.

Yep. Okay. And if we need to, we'll jump in as uncles. Yep. Which will only be comfortable for my uncle. Yep. Well, here's what we're going to do. We're going to call and you're going to do the talking. And if you need us for any reason, you say the word. I don't know if we want to initiate that. No, we're not going to. You just go like this, Jake or Gareth. And then whoever you call, they'll just jump in and help. Yep.

So why don't you give us your zip code, Nick, and again, we'll bleep that all out. Yeah, you can do it. It should be Utah. Okay. Okay. I'm looking for just a few different waxing studios. Nick, I'm sorry I doubted you. And Nick, I'm proud of you. We're both proud of you. And you'll for sure have to film yourself a little bit during it and then come on for a follow-up. You'll definitely have to just get your face while it happens.

No, because we don't want his face. But just the VO. We'll just have to get a voice memo of your reaction to the sound and the reaction, and then you're definitely going to have to come on for a follow-up to talk about the experience and if it's helped. Is **** close to you?

Yeah. Yeah. Great. I'm just, as we're doing it, just so you guys know, I just wrote a Brazilian for men. They do have Brazilians for men. I just wrote, how long does it take to recover from a Brazilian butt wax? Let me explain what's going to happen to you, brother. Immediate aftermath. First 24 to 48, you're going to have a little redness. You're going to have some bumps and you're going to have some irritation. Your skin may feel a little sensitive, itchy or tingly, and we're going to need you to avoid sweating, tight clothes, hot showers or friction. Full cover. Okay.

Two to five days. Go ahead. Well, here's what I'm going to say. Um, when we have the appointment coming, do you guys work out when you go to the steam after, or is it pure steam? It's pure steam. Sometimes it will work out if we have some time in the day, but most of the time it's,

You know, if we only have 20 minutes, we'll just go do steam. I got two other things. Go. Consider using a post-wax soothing product or witch hazel. Yeah. And then the other one is wear loose, breathable underwear. And we just got a new sponsor. I think it is MeUndies. Yes.

I'm going to contact on you. Send your address. We're going to send you a pack of me. We have, we've got a couple of me on these and let me tell you, these are going to be there. Me on these are perfect for everything. I don't know if they have co-signed the idea that they're the perfect underpants for a post-male Brazilian, but they, they certainly, they certainly are versatile. We're, we're co-signing it for them. Can I ask you two a question? Sure.

Have you ever sat in a steam room for 20 plus minutes? Yes. Naked in a white towel? Yes. Many times. And no, to answer your question. Yeah, Nick, so many times. I just did one in Girdwood, Alaska.

I used to do them at the YMC all the time. Yes, I love them. I love them. I love them. Not once has there been a stain. Never have I found a stain. Okay. And then I, you know, I'm being humbled right now because I thought maybe everyone had this. No, this is a problem, brother. This is a problem, but we're, you know, let's start checking things off the box here. Natalie, I wanted to ask you guys a question. Have you guys had any sort of Brazilian before? No. Wow. Hey,

Have you done that? Yeah, I have, and it's very painful. Yeah, okay. Well, hey, can we just actually... Is this the moment to scare our friend? Can we sign the deal before we start talking about the fine print? Honestly, Garrett is just like, go do it. I feel like he should also do it. You feel like I should go do it too? What is this? Oh, yeah. Natalie, Nick, quiet. You're talking about it. Would you do it for the show? No. Garrett.

Make a YouTube video. It'll be all good for your 15 podcasts. You can't recommend it without having done it. You got Salt Lake on your tour? Let's go together. Okay, now we've pushed the bridge. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. If you do it together. I don't have anything Salt Lake, so no. But you guys can do it on the same day. Then we can have you both on to discuss it. Yes, follow up where you guys talk about your experiences. You know, this is the difference between our success levels, Jake.

You can't do this. I can do this. And I will do this. Yeah. I will do this. It was your idea. I didn't point at Jake because he wasn't the one who suggested it.

What are you talking about? We are both poaching up on here. Let's not turn this into something it's not, Gareth. You're excited to do it for the show. It has nothing to do with success. You are excited to do this. I will do it. I know you will, Robert. So let's not pretend it's anything but fun. So now. But we cannot call them yet because they're not open yet. But it says for guests with a penis, this service includes everything from the beautiful. I'm out. You're not going to this one.

this one. I gotta find one and **** or something for you. We'll bleep that out. This service includes everything from the bikini full plus the scrotum and shaft. You decide how much or how little hair remains on top. Wait, why are we doing shaft? No, we don't have to. All we're doing is backdoor. We're just doing backdoor, boys. Yeah, backdoor boys. By the way, Nick, we got a gang name. We got new merch.

I'm a backdoor boy. Nick, what's your window? Let's say if we're going to actually be for real and pick a date, I'm thinking we do it June 12th. That's what I'm thinking. Can you have it done by June 12th? Yeah, I can do it. And then do this, Nick, when you do it, because we can't make the appointment, send us the bill and we'll pay for it.

Okay. But send us confirmation of the appointment. Yes. And then Gareth will send his confirmation of the appointment and we'll lock this in and then we'll have both you guys back on for a big follow-up because yes, this is, we're going to have two follow-ups. The first one is just how it felt for both you guys, where you're at in your experience. And then we're going to bring you back on again for, did it fix the problem?

Okay. I might need, I might need a couple of weeks after that because there are times where it's like, it's been good, but then it, but then it, you know, you're going to be on the show a lot, brother. Don't you doubt it. Looking forward to it. Here's the other thing, Nick, remember what Jake said when he read the, uh, nightmarish follow-up part of this, no sweating for a couple of days after.

You're not going to be able to steam right after. That's the problem, dude. I'll be walking and I'll sweat out of my belly. All you got to do is just take it easy for a couple of days. You can sweat a little bit. Just take it easy. Book your appointment. Send us confirmation. I'll see you in the end zone, amigo.

Okay, will do. All right. All right. Great call. Thank you, brother. Bye. We can call each other. We can call ourselves the Brazilian brothers after this. We'll catch you later, Nick. Take care, bud. All right. Bye. Bye. Great. For you. That attack, wonderful idea.

Producer Sherlock here. This next call is a follow-up from episode 90, Hunk with a Little Chunk. Hello there. Welcome to We're Here to Help again. Hey, guys. Hi. Welcome back. We know you're a follow-up, and that's all we know. So how about your name and what the first call was? I believe the name I went by at that time was Opal. And the follow-up, yeah, the call is about how...

My dad, he is following a page called Women's Butts along with a bunch of other types of pages. You know what's great about this? Here's two things are great about this show, Jake. One, I didn't remember this until I did. And it says a lot about what we work with. And two, now that I remember it, I'm full of joy. So Opal, will you walk us through and re-pitch the problem of

and what our pitch was and what you did. Oh, my God. We're looking at his follow page right now. Women underscore butts. It's just, it's, go ahead. Silly for Tilly.

Yeah. Women's butts. It's so funny to follow women butts. Your dad's got some interesting taste. Yeah, he's like into character. The baby Sophia. How does he find them? By the way, an old guy looking at baby Sophia. She's not a baby, to be fair. But why call yourself baby Sophia? It's not great. I'm not trying to fully defend it. Why don't you just go infant? Gross.

Or just like... How about 18 plus? Yeah, or like big boobs. How about I'm an adult? Like, how did he find her? Anyway, we're not trying to shame him. I'm an adult, you're an adult. Do you want to look at each other's genitals.com? Adult genitals swap. Adult genitals swap.com. I will finance that app. Yeah.

None of this shit with the younger kids. Fucking people getting trapped. You're an adult. I'm an adult. We want to swap generals. Let's have a look. And you got to be from Chicago. The Midwest. All right. Back to you, Opal.

So yeah, basically the bridge version is that my husband and my brother-in-laws kind of came up to me and my sisters and were like, you got to check your dad on Instagram. His followers aren't private and we could see who he's following and that it's mainly for him to kind of like...

be a little bit of a horn dog. So you guys proposed, I remember the main proposal was just to have maybe my husband talk to him, whoever was the closest to my dad as far as like being chill with him. Just be like, hey, you know, you've got to, you know, reel this in or make your page private or something along those lines. DERF. So what happened?

So I proposed that to my husband at first and the first he was game and then he was kind of a little nervous about it. And then I don't know if you noticed that Instagram does this now, but you can, it'll kind of suggest posts that your friends already commented on. So like if you look in like the top corner, it'll have a little icon of their page and then you could see the stuff they've commented on.

Oh, and I kept seeing the icon for my dad's page because he's the only one I know that has that who doesn't have a picture. And I was like, look, and it's gotten worse. Hold on. What are some of the things your dad has commented on these commenting? I'd say like, you know, twerking videos. What is he saying? What's he saying?

Yes. No. No. It's a whole new level to be commenting. Did we know that in your first call that he was commenting? No, we did not know he was commenting. Oh, he's commenting is just next level bad. Yes. Yes. On a twerking video. These are the people. Yes.

These are the people who comment on porn. Yes. Oh, God. By the way, for everybody listening, just comment on our show. Just write yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Or no. No. No, no. Yes. You see a butt video? Yes. Yes. You see a butt video? No. No. Okay. I wish that's how critics were with movies.

The New York Times. They were. Yes. That was Siskel and Ebert. They were like, thumbs up. And we were like, it's good. Those two were the best. You ever see the video of them where they get mad at each other during the promo? Oh, where they're just like trying to cut a promo for the show or something. If you weren't such a jerk. Well, the only reason we're doing it again is because of you. And tonight we're going, yeah, they go right back into it. How about a little bit of enthusiasm, Gene? But so Opal, he's now writing yes in comments. And you're seeing that, oh.

Yeah. First of all, are you okay? No. Yes. There we go. A resounding no. Yes. I had spoken to my siblings and I was like, you know, this is what I see now. Should I do something? And I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to, I'm going to message him because I don't know. I don't have the mental fortitude to have that type of conversation in person.

I agree. Can we have a screen grab of the conversation? And can Gareth and I read it? I could find it. Yeah, you can do it real quick. And while you do, allow me to just point out how...

How fucking amazing it is. Actually, I don't think I have it because I didn't want to keep seeing it in my inbox. I get that. But I do remember what I said. Pulling your siblings aside for a chat about dad commenting on butt videos. Just unreal. OK, what was the conversation like, Opal?

So it was basically like, hey, you know, I don't want to pass any judgment. We're both adults here. But I'm not sure if you know this, but people could see what you like and what you comment on on Instagram. You know, I was like, like I said, not passing any judgment, but just you might want to be mindful of that. Passing a little judgment. Yeah.

The more I say no judgment. No judgment, but you should know there's some judgment. I called a podcast about it. As much judgment as there can be. No judgment, but I think I should be wearing a robe with a gavel. All right. Keep going. So you lied and said no judgment. Yes. And then I sent it on its way. And then...

He read it. He just did not respond. And I like it. This is a nightmare. How long ago was that? Probably about a month or so ago. And what's been happening now? It has not changed. So I'm, you know, I think he's just kind of like, fuck it, I'm retired. I'm going to do me. You mean it hasn't changed in the sense that he's still commenting?

Yes. Holy shit. Holy shit. I mean, I got a crazy one. I got to give him respect. I got a crazy pitch. Go. Do we create a fake butt account trying to trigger what he likes so that we can DM him and tell him...

Try to get him to stop by like... What's the Paul Thomas Anderson movie again? I'm forgetting. Punch Drunk Love. Where we all of a sudden trap him into something and then go like...

I'm a man. You're looking at these accounts and you're texting with me. I know where you live. And he'll be like, ah, and then be like, dad, get off of those sites. They're not women. It's men. You're commenting to men. Like these are scary guys. They're getting your info. Piggly and Mo time. I could. But what do you think about is that? I mean, it's probably insane.

But is it insane? How could, where are you at Opal? Is this just a follow up looking for pitch? Let's hear it before we go to Opal Garrett pitch. Okay. I mean, Oh yeah, go ahead. Opal, you go, you got something to say, say it. Oh no, no. I was just saying, I think, you know, this is just one of those things that like, he's just, he's content with it. And I don't want to dive even deeper into what can happen. Yeah.

Well, then maybe you don't want pitches. But you know what? We're not going to do the pitches, but let's hear it.

The pitch would be that you get a crew of people, your friends, or, you know, you don't want to go too big, but maybe you keep it in the family. But you guys start commenting back on the pictures that he is commenting on. I love this. With stuff like dad and enough. Hey, dad, see you Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah. Dad, are we doing a year house on Thanksgiving or are we going to mine? If you try to just start making Thanksgiving arrangements,

as every comment. Yes. And you just, all you guys reply to his comments. Just humanizing his disgusting pervert, not disgusting pervert, but his want for butt with just like, hey dad, should we cook the turkey this year or are you cooking it? Really pedestrian things. Yeah.

I like that. The other thing you could comment in is, OMG, dad, one of those was mine. I sent it in from college. Because if he's just looking at a random butt and I go, dad, did you just yes that? That's literally my butt. This is an account my friends and I started as a joke. And he'll go, no, it isn't. And then you'll go, yeah, it is. And he'll go, then no, yes.

There's so many. But you want to leave it alone, right, Opal? You don't want to open this up any further? Can our social media start commenting? I'm sorry, Opal, say what you just said again. I interrupted. It might be one of those let sleeping dogs lie or whatever that saying is. I'm afraid of what other rocks, what other stones it might turn. Can I pitch one other thing and then if you don't like it, we move on.

You know, we have a Instagram account. Can we get your dad's info and start commenting on all his comments from us? I don't know because I don't want him to accidentally get on the podcast and then listen to it. Understood, understood. All right, you know what we're going to do? We're going to walk away.

It's hard to do, but we're going to walk away. And we're not going to create a fake news channel account that starts commenting on there, can we interview you for a piece about old men who like butts. Yeah. We're not going to do that. I'm not. Mo might. Mo might. Mo's gone, dude. You know what, Opal? Here's what we're going to do. Thank you for the follow-up, but we're going to stop pitching. We'll stop pitching. Opal, way to go, though, on trying to confront him.

And if we're being honest, way to go to dad for just being like, this is not, I don't care. This is not a secret. I like women's butts. It's my thing. I mean, and it's one thing to like women's butts. It's another thing to be like my social media footprint is I'm writing women's. Yes. Yes. Oh, it's supportive. But I will also say, unfortunately for our percentage, uh,

This is a miss. It's not a bell ring. But Opal, we appreciate you tried. I understand why your husband passed. I would probably pass too if I were him. We understand why dad likes women's butts. We just wish he wasn't so open about it on Instagram. He's retired, right?

Yes. See, it's just house money. He's like, well, what do you want from me? I worked my whole life. I raised my kids. I would like to look at just butts. Well, and some boobs. He definitely likes a busty lady as well. At least in the pic, but he just likes a full shot of a butt. He likes a butt. I mean, we all got our stuff, but I just don't want people to know about my stuff. Your dad likes butts. Yeah.

Opal, we appreciate the call. God bless him. Thank you, Opal. Thanks for having me, guys. Thanks for the call.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hey there, we're Heretos. That's the new name we have for you. This is Gareth. Just reminding you, if you have not checked out my new podcast, next we have also a HeadGum production. Please do that. It is a show that just has a lot of good, quick-hitting segments that are funny and

The show is just silly, goofy. It's a good time. I think people will like it. That's why it was named Time Magazine's Podcast of the Year. That's a lie. Don't look it up. But, you know, listen, we're here to help the best. So if you like this show, I think you might like my new podcast called Next We Have. Please give it a listen. And if you like it, you know, do all that stuff you got to do with podcasts. Appreciate it.