184: A Classic Vinnie Problem & Guest Host Energy
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This is a HeadGum Podcast.

And we are back. Is it nice to be back home? Have we not done this since I was back? We have, but I feel like you just had gotten back. Yes. Yeah, I miss... Alaska was awesome. Yeah.

But I like California more. Yeah, that seems to be what most people think. But I liked it a lot. I told you it's a good break. It's good to like, it's like a fast. Wait, hold on. Where did you perform? I was thinking about it. Did you do stand-up at a place called Coots?

What was the bar like? It was in Anchorage. It was kind of like, it felt like an old movie theater. Never mind. It might have been that. So Kootz is an old, like, it's a, we shot in there. It was this cool western-y bar with like seven different rooms. No. Okay, but what was insane was there was a wall of where stand-ups performed there. And I gotta tell you, it must have been, would have been the most intimidating room in the world to go to.

And there were names I knew. I'm like, these fucking dudes are showing up to Coots on a Thursday and doing stand-up? Well, you know, it's like, first of all, there's a whole run you can do throughout Alaska. And obviously you're not, it's just like seven cities. But you would be like, how is that even possible? But if you're doing that, you're not necessarily doing it because you're like, these are going to be huge venues. You like want to be there.

But when I was there, people were like, thank you so much for coming. And I was like, this thing must be pretty bad if they're like, Gareth, bless you for coming here. What cities did you go to? I only did Anchorage for stand-up, but I've been to Juneau and Ketchikan. I used to have a travel show, and I did Ketchikan for a week on a travel show. We did a lot of lumberjacking and stuff like that. What was the coolest place you went on the travel show?

It might have been Alaska. It really might have been. It was like... It was so... We got access to stuff that was just crazy. Yeah, we had the same shoot. We had the same thing. Where it's like there's no regulation. Yeah, it really... It just...

I mean this, it probably sounds condescending to people, but it's like, I was like, I'm in the 80s. Like, this is like, we're smoking in bar. Like, it's just, there's one of everything. Well, how about this? There was, we went on, one of the producers' husband had a little plane. And so we would fly around on his plane. And not only were we able to shoot in it, but Corey Michael Smith was able to fly it on camera and,

And then I was able to fly it. My brother Dan flew the plane. Like he's not even involved in the production. Cause they would be, you got the pilot and then you got the co-pilot, but you both have steering. So the real pilots right there,

But you're in the middle of the air and it feels like you're moving a boat. Like you can move it to the right and the whole thing moves. And you're like... And with an airboat though. It's like, this is not happening in California. No. And to be fair, it shouldn't. There were certain things in the 80s, like you could have an open can of beer while driving. Seatbelts were like mildly encouraged. There's a reason we got past it. I think we've talked about this, but there's this really funny clip where...

I know exactly what you're going to say. Yeah. Tell it. I think about it all the time because it just shows you the way that what maybe feels abnormal now. Yes. In 20 years, we will be like, why did we ever have it the other way? It's people mad because there was a new law that you had to wear a seatbelt.

And you weren't allowed to drink a beer while driving. I think the video you're talking about is in Indiana, and it's that you can't have an open container. And people are like, are you telling me in America you can't drink beer on the drive home? Walk me through this. I can't finish my job and drink a couple of beers. It's really that one. And by the way, that person was the only one where I was like, that's a pretty good point. Honestly, after.

Gareth, I felt 50-50. I really do too. I think, look, if we're talking about one beer on the drive. Agreed. I'll tell you this. I do that on stage where I'm like, I'll have one on stage. I'm not feeling it. It's different. After the show, when I get home, I feel the beer after the drive. By the way. I...

growing up when we grew up in the 90s being part of our teenage years I remember my buddy clay Allen used to pick me up he had a little Jeep Wrangler that was open top and he would pick me up and he would always have a cocktail in a little plastic cup and he would hand me one and it wasn't strange to be like hey clay he's like alright and you're drinking I'm like what's this and he's like it's a rum drink and

And you're like, we're fully drinking alcohol in a Jeep in Chicago? And how old are you? This was, you know, when I was 20, 21. Yeah, it's just so... It really...

Yes, LA changed the drinking and driving game for me. Look, I know people are going to go, you know, the world when people listen, they're going to get annoyed by this, but it was different before. Nowadays, drinking and driving is insane, but it's as crazy as smoking cigarettes now. Everybody used to smoke cigarettes. I really, I mentioned, because I got a DUI.

And I did. Yeah. Back in the but but and and I'm not proud of it. You know, it was a huge mistake. But I've I have tried to contextualize it when I've talked about it sometimes because I'm like, it was not like now. It was like I literally would have taxis cancel on me all the time after waiting a half hour and I'd have to go to L.A. Now, yeah, you're right. I should have, like, been smart about it. But I was an idiot.

Right. So what happened with your DUI? Oh, my God. It was just it was I was just over the limit. Not by a lot. Where were you? I was leaving ImprovOlympic, obviously. I think I remember this. The whole problem was, Jake.

I stopped to get Cool Ranch Doritos. How drunk were you, Gareth? I was, you're not drunk until you see sirens and then you go, well, I'm definitely, I'm not doing great. You know, now I got to prove it. I got to prove, but I got it in front of my house. I was parking. I was, I made it. That's what I said to the cop. I was like, I did it. What are you doing? I'm here, motherfucker. I'm home, I did it. Oh no.

Oh, no. And you know who picked me up? Steve Berg. Amazing. With a power bar, a banana, and a water. But the next morning. The next morning. You spent the night in jail? I did. I was cuffed to a guy's...

who was like, you and me are going to put the system on trial. And I was like, buddy, I want to fly under the radar. So we're not on the same page with what we're trying to get accomplished here. You got cuffed to me. That's how we met. Yeah, and who was just like, hey, we're supposed to be allowed. I was like, just let them do their thing. Just chill, my man. Let them do their thing. Chill, brother, please. Please. And I was in there for like 12 hours. I didn't, I didn't, here was the worst part.

The toilet was like in the center of the room. Shared. Shared. And I went up to it five or six times trying to pee. Like I was going to die from urine. Why? Because you had to go to the bathroom so bad? Yes. But you couldn't? Couldn't. Why? The stage was too big. That's the title of your memoir. The stage was too big. The stage was too big. That's insane, Garrett. And I couldn't. And you want to talk about embarrassment.

standing in front of 20 men and just having your penis out and no pee come out four or five. It was, I wonder what that is. You couldn't pee. It was, I, it was like, you were terrified, terrified. I would have been terrified. And I was just like, it got so bad that it was like, they're going to need to cut it out of me or it's going to have to come out. It hurts so bad. It was, I was dying. I didn't even know that was possible. I didn't either.

You've never stepped up to a urinal and not been able to... I have, but I don't then have to go that bad. Something happens in my body where it'll just like disappear in there. Yeah. I'm like, I really have to go to the bathroom and then I'll be like, this is my opportunity. Like if I have to take a dump and I'll be like, what's the bathroom situation? They're like, just the weird hole in the floor. My body will go like, let's agree to not go to the bathroom on this trip. Yeah. See, I think I'd gotten there and I think that it...

It was bad. But like, I'm not kidding. There have been a couple of times in my life where the stage is too big. You go to a urinal in England and you're just at a trough. I grew up in troughs, Wrigley Field. Yeah. See, I grew up, I had a charm. I had a charm life. We had our own urinal.

And most beautiful Milwaukee bars. We're not like Chicago, you know. Once you get used to using the trough and you just whip it out, it's normal. Yeah, you call them whoppers. Yeah, I used to. I remember Berg told me, because when I first met Steve, I was still drinking and driving pretty heavily. Yeah. And he was like, Jesus, you have got to pull this together. You will lose your license for six months and it'll cost you $10,000.

He's not that wrong. Really? I mean, dude, it really, look. Changed your life. Yeah, you realize. I mean, look, again, we're like laughing, but it is like, it is serious. It was back then, though, it was just, there's no LA transit, and we were just idiot young dudes at a theater just. Well, what I also realize, and it's just how I feel, and as I get older, I care less about the backlash of stuff, but the world changes, right?

This is what we're talking about. The idiot, you should be able to have a beer on your drive. And when the world changes, it's then over and the past is the past. Yep. And it is what it is. And you change with it or you become a weird dinosaur. I, uh, but there was, and look, drinking and driving is never good. No. And I also believe if you're drunk, okay, callers here and you hit somebody and they die, you should go to jail for, uh,

That crime. Yes. You fucked up. But if you want Doritos and you're in front of your, if you're in front of your house, you let him go. You've made it. He made it. The race is over. It's ended. What are you doing?

We got a caller. Let's get into it. Thanks for everybody for listening. We just initiated a new thing of trying to tell somebody and recruit people to listen. We appreciate it. Once we start getting those, we're going to start posting those in for the fun of it and without further ado.

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Hey, how's it going? Hey, how's it going? Cool. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Vinny. Vinny? I think this might be the first Vinny of the show. Vinny, where are you calling from? I'm calling from the Philadelphia area. Of course you are. And what's the approximate age, Vinny? 25. 25. Italian? Italian parents? Italian family? Yeah, for the most part. Okay, that's interesting that maybe they weren't and they named you Vinny.

Vincent. Huh? Vincent. Would you rather go by Vincent? No, but it says Vincent. Is your God-given name Vincent? It is Vincent, but everybody calls me Vinny. Okay. All right. We'll call you Vinny.

All right, Vinny, what's your favorite thing to put in a calzone? What's the problem? What's going on today? What can we help you with? So I don't know if I would necessarily call it a problem, but some years back, a friend of mine, his name's Joe, he came up with this concept called Meat Fest. And essentially the idea of being... Meat Fest? Meat Fest, yeah, M-E-A-T. Okay. Feels very much like a Vinny problem. Yeah.

It sounds like what? Sounds like a problem Vinny got. Vinny's going to call into a podcast and be like, yo, I'm struggling with Meat Fest. Just kill me. Vinny, can you please go ahead?

How dare you? So essentially it is a holiday where once a year our entire friend group gets together and we spend the entire day drinking and more importantly eating some form of meat for each meal. And we usually start at like 7.30, 8 in the morning and it can normally go until like 1 or 2 a.m. And this...

August will be the fifth year that we do this. And seeing as it's the fifth year, I am trying to come up with an idea or like something to put together for the group that can sort of like commemorate the fact that we've been doing this for as long as we have. Oh, that's an interesting issue. So you, you, you. All right. So Vinny sent a document that shows.

You mind reading it, Gareth? Sure. Okay, so we start with drinks. A lot of beer. Ceremonial mead. House mixed drink, which is pineapple, spiced rum, fireball. A lot of limes. Whatever. Meat. Breakfast. Same as Meat Fest Prime.

Pre-lunch is a rum ham? Yeah. What is a Meat Fest Prime? Prime rib? I will say I did not create this menu, so it's hard to get into his mindset, but I believe Meat Fest Prime is like the first Meat Fest we did. Okay. Okay. Pre-lunch is a rum ham, plus the weirdest freaking thing at the shop. Lunch is burgers, sausages.

Corn, 15 ears, 30 pieces. Grilled salsa. Grilled salsa. Dunch, which is a dinner lunch, is continuous hot dogs, which is just a scary thought.

Dinner is ribs. Fuckload shrimp. Boy, oh boy. Kebabs. Goat? Question mark? No. Chicken. It's very stream of consciousness. Dessert, sea beverages. And then at the bottom, there's a note that says other expenses, propane, propane, whatever. Okay. So you guys throw a...

Huge meat party. Yeah, just a grill, like a 4th of July thing where you lean heavy into the meats. You've been doing it once a year for, this will be your fifth year?

Yeah, so it hasn't technically been five years in a row because of like COVID and some other stuff. But this is like the fifth year we've done it since I think 2019. But I would agree that this doesn't say I don't see a big problem here. This is just a this is a call. How do we make it special? How do we pitch to rename the fifth one and make it really special? Yeah. Rename it.

Or you just want to make it a very special event is your question. Yeah. Just like, just like something memorable. Um, I also sent like no email. Yeah. Or human. No vegetarian. I love it personally. I love it. Yeah.

As a point of reference, one of my friends a few years back started making koozies and designing. Okay, we see a koozie now. It's got a pig and it says Meatfest 2023. How many people show up at Meatfest? I would say like...

At its peak, anywhere between like 25, 30. Okay. So it's a small group, a group of friends just gets together once a year and has a barbecue. Don't. I'm not being mean. But what I'm trying to get to is it means something to you, Vinny. You guys seem to eat a lot of meat, but it's not like, like there was guys I remember who were like really in it where they would eat like the whole thing would be like, we're going to try to knock back like 50 pounds of pork. Yeah.

And it's like, and then you got the guy like man versus food where the whole thing is like how much you got the menu. I just saw like,

It felt like a 4th of July thing where it was like, we're going to drink some alcohol, some beer, some rum, we're going to have some shrimp, fuckloads of it, and then we're going to have some hot dogs, we're going to have some steak, and some chicken. It is essentially in its simplicity just one giant tailgate. Yes. More than 4th of July, it feels just like a big tailgate. Yeah. Right. Right.

But I think the core of it is not so much the like drinking or even the like meat per se, but it's like the fact that we can get at 25 years old, still get all of us in one place together for life.

an entire day. So that's, I guess, really what I'm more trying to like... I would have two pitches to make it a bigger event this year for the fifth annual. Okay. So, I think, I mean, it is. It's just a tailgate. Yeah. So, but you're saying you kind of want to have a way to make it go... A step up. Originally, I thought you were saying because it's the fifth one, you kind of want to make this a little bit bigger. Yeah, I... I don't know if bigger is the word I would use necessarily because I think you're online in the sense that like...

It's special and personal to like me in this group, like 25 people is not like that crazy, but it means a lot to you. Yeah. And I want it to be like memorable, like something we look back at it, like, Oh, that was really cool that that happened. How about this? And I say this as a guy who does not like this or eat this, but what if you got a whole pig roasted it like you were in Hawaii and that's all you ate?

And it's called year five. We're eating the whole fucking pig. No hot dogs. Go pig or go home. Go pig or go home. It's one animal. It's really simple. It's more intense than anyone had where they're like, Ooh, I don't like pig, but I like bacon. Let's look at what we eat.

I think to what Jake's saying, I personally also don't want to pitch in a meat direction, but you're the caller. We're going to try to help you. So I think that's a good one. I got one after that. But what do you think of something like that? As an idea. Yeah, no, I don't hate that at all. And I think surprising everyone with it. Yeah, go pig or go home. Or in that zone, what do you think about dress code required? Like that. We're doing a luau. Ooh.

Okay. Yeah. We're only drinking on the fifth one, my ties and you got to wear one of those straw skirts and Hawaiian shirt. I like it. Yeah, I do like that. I will say we have over the last couple of years, uh,

done like themes for this. And I do believe last year was sort of like a Hawaiian theme shirt sort of thing. They're doing the themes. Yeah, they're doing the themes. Let me ask you a question, Vinny. Yeah. What are three things in the back of your head in the zone you were hoping we were going to pitch on? Because you've already done themes. So when you're in your head, you're thinking, I'm going to call this show. And what I kind of want is something in this zone, but heightened.

What zone were you in? I think for the most part, like, I mean, I don't think you're totally off base with like the idea of a

like a whole pig and then like coming up with some sort of pun for that. I don't think I wanted like anything like, like the koozie thing would be cool if it was like something I could come up with where like everybody got some sort of like tangible object that they then bring home. You did the koozie. But we did, yeah. Here's what I'm going to pitch. Off of what Jake just pitched, and since you're saying you want to make it a little special, why don't we do the whole pig? And again, I think pigs are as smart as like a three-year-old. Why are you going to eat it? I don't know. But,

We call it the Olympics. You don't think there's any animal products in your creams? Stop. There's not. I guarantee there is. There's not. Gelatin? Stop. You're Natalie dying out there.

Why don't we call it the Olympics? Okay. And what you're going to do is everybody's going to weigh in their plates before they eat them. I like this. And at the end of the day, the person who's eaten the most gets some sort of prize. Let's make it even easier than the whole pig. Okay. Same menu. Yep. But the Olympics still works. Okay. And every plate you weigh. And at the end, the winner gets a gold medal. Yes. And the person who got the least gets a dunce cap. Yes.

I love that. Okay. The loser next year

This is why we're going to offset some of the meat consumption. The loser next year. Don't get political. Stop. No one's interested in that vest and hair. Stop. Everybody is. People are talking. Stop. Three girls talked about it and you've lost your mind. I'll see you at the premiere tonight. It's not a premiere. Next year, yeah, it is. Let's feel good about it. Let's be positive. Agreed. But it's not a premiere. It is. I'm showing up. I know where it is.

And you're not going to turn me away if I show up. I know you. You're welcome to come. I can't. I'm busy. You're not. I'm not, actually. So, the next year, the person who loses the first three meals of the event has to only have salad. Or...

Because I like what he was going with the punishment, but I would make it this year dependent. What I would do is at the end, the loser has to make a speech of why they didn't eat enough. And then they also need to make a speech of why the winner is the greatest. Yes, I agree. And then everybody needs to chant, all hail.

the pig! And the pig makes a speech while you all carry them on your shoulders. I mean, what else do you want? What do you think of that? It's called the Olympics. You weigh your plate. Oh, no, rather the loser at the end stands up and everybody throws garbage at him. And the winner, everybody carries on their shoulder as you chant, all hail the king. That's the entire

What do you think of that? Because that'll put some incentive. You're like, I don't want to do that. So it's like, all right, let's keep going. Let's go. And then you go, you can eat whatever you want. You're like, I don't want to eat all this, but you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to weigh it down with corn. Have a strategy. Who cares?

And then you've got an official tally to how to keep weight. You've got like one big board, a dry erase board. And as you go, you just add your numbers, add your numbers. You want to go full. I don't like this pitch, but you want to go full glut and just put a scale in there and you weigh in the day as soon as you arrive. And at the end of the night, we weigh in. That's exactly right. Well, then liquids count, but liquids do count. By the way, that's what you do. Gareth is right. You keep it simple.

Everybody, when they first get to the Olympics, weighs in. Everybody weighs in at the end. Whoever gained the most weight is your winner. Whoever has gained the least gets garbage thrown at them. Yeah, I'm really glad I called in. Hey, Vinny, thank you for the call. Please follow up with us. All right, buddy. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. I'm really glad I called in. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

That is so counter to everything I want to have happen. And it's also at the end, I was like, this is awesome. I'm really glad I called it. I'm really glad I called it. A sincere, I'm really glad I called it. This is awesome. We're going to weigh in. Oh, fuck. I remember when Favre threw his last pick to the Giants. It was like four days before I felt normal. Hello. Hey, guys. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. Can you remind us who you are? Jesse, aka Sherlock, just told us this is a follow-up, but that's all we know. Well, it's not just a follow-up. I have a new problem. So this is Heather from Orlando, and I had the BDSM cooking class situation. Oh, remind me. This was a while ago. Oh, wow.

Yeah. So will you remind me what the problem was and what our solution was? Yeah, I remember this one. So what happened was I signed up for a rope tying course. This is a Squarespace. It was once a week for four weeks.

And so I needed one night off a week from my job and I didn't tell my boss what I was doing. I told her I was going to a cooking class. So the class is over and she had just had a baby and she was like, I'm ready to leave the house. And that cooking class sounded great. I would like to go to that. And I didn't have anything to send her a link to. Okay.

So we made a website. We Squarespace the website. Oh, my God. But we made it look like a legitimate cooking. Can we, Jessie, can you pull it up? Do you remember what the name of the website is? Yeah. You guys called it Friendly Shark and it confused my boss because she was like, why is it called that?

So is it still there? Is it FriendlyShark.com? Look, I know that we shout out our sponsors a lot on this show. This website that we did on Squarespace. Wait, did you make this or did Caitlin? Caitlin did a great job. But it still looks so legit. Yeah. By the way, shout out Caitlin.

who used to do our social media. She's excellent. Awesome. She's doing great, too. So, okay. Basically, the site's up. It says, where to next? It shows a bunch of things. It looks totally legitimate. Making food that will make you say, mm, are you ready to create? Yes, Shep. This is great. Okay. So we made this site, then we brought you back on. This is sniffing like it's going to be a...

Wednesday re-release now that we got the two and then Gareth caught us. Yep. And so what is the real follow-up then?

It's a new problem. Wait, hold on, hold on. But then we still got to go to the other one. So what did you follow up with us in that follow-up again? Will you remind us? We've done about 400 of these at this point. So the follow-up was she believed it. I shared screenshots with you guys last time about our text messages, and we kind of made fun of my boss a little bit, to be honest with you. We were like, wow, she was dumb. Not ideal. So she believed that it worked out fine.

And...

Yeah, I basically sent her another cooking class that actually exists. And she never went to it, to be honest with you. But she was like, oh, thanks, I'll do that. So ring the bell. So the bell's rung, right? That situation. You guys never rung the bell for me. We'll ring it. We don't have one now. We're in the new studio. Yeah, I know it. We're together. It shouldn't even be me. How about this? We're ringing it. We're ringing it. It's ringing. We'll do it in post.

Is it? We're together. It's ringing, everybody. Don't you hear it? Okay. All right, Heather. Come on. That's a good-ass thing. Hey, hold on. We do have a bell. Yeah, it's a weird little clay thing. There you go. It's like something my mom would hang under one of her weird plants. That wouldn't be. Mom wouldn't send something like that. Hang a pair of panties. Stop. Because they're dripping. Enough. She's got a dryer. You need to. I'm going to call in our own show. Stop.

Stop everything. Jesus Christ. Are we 69? No, Jake. It's my mother. It's my lover. Stop. You tied up your mom. You stop. Quiet, Heather. We took the class together with you. We learned how to tie each other up. Pam tied me up and then...

Call me a sizzling fajita. I hope she ties you up and throws you in the hot tub. She does. Her hot tub. Okay. All right. Listen, Heather, we got to, we're actually up against it. We have a really tight schedule today, so we can't fuck around too much more like that, unfortunately. Then stop fucking around, Garrett. Heather. I agree, Heather. Heather. What's, Heather. Can you tie Garrett up? Heather. You are tying me up. Quick pause. Quick pause. What? How was the tying up class? Yeah, actually. Okay.

Don't say yet, actually. Come on. We're growing out. Well, that kind of leads into the new problem if you want to get into it. Yeah, let's get into it. The tariffs affect rope prices. Things are good. Yeah.

You need a new rope? I'll just cut off one of the little chops of hair. Boy, I can't tell which side of the bluff you're shooting from anymore. It was all over the place. Just chop off his hair and tie up anybody you want. If you saw someone drive to a BDSM class naked, would that be strange? How about with a 70-year-old woman on his lap? Enough. That's what she said. Enough. That's what she said. It's wrong. No, that's what she said. That's what I'm saying. But I convinced her it's not. Stop. Stop.

And she fell for it. Heather. You had to talk about it. Heather, stop Jake by talking now, please. I'm going to Venmo you $150 to start talking. He won't. Heather. Heather. Thank you, Heather. I'm with you. He's interrupting everyone today. He's wearing a vest. You put this guy in a vest with some curly hair, he won't shut up. Jake.

I wouldn't be surprised if after today I found out Jake had been drinking. Same with you. Okay. Okay. So I found out that the same place I went to the first time is having a rope 201 class. Okay. And I want to go to it. You have to have had the 101 class that I did last year. But first, what was good about 101? What'd you learn, Huth? You learn sailors? Yeah.

Just the basics, really the basic stuff. Honestly, a lot of it was just about how to be safe in the kink scene and how to be safe with rope. Okay. And just like the dangers of, you know, nerve damage, stuff like that. Okay. And so we just learned a lot about that. And then we learned basic like one column, two column ties, and then a few other things. It wasn't like a ton of information, to be honest with you. It was a lot of foundational stuff. And you've been using the...

the rope play in your life and how's it going? Well, good news is I'm single now. I got out of a six and a half year vanilla relationship earlier this year. And so I've been playing a lot more and it's been going really great. So what do you mean? So you were in a vanilla relationship so that your partner wasn't interested in the ropes? That's correct. So that's why I went with a friend last year. And what happened when you brought it up with the partner? Walk us through that chat.

I had to convince this man to let me go to this class because he, all of the BDSM stuff made him really insecure because he wasn't

He didn't want to be part of that world. I understand. So he hated it. So he didn't want me to be part of it. If you're into BDSM and you're in a relationship that isn't. It's tricky. You must have known that this was probably not. You're hoping maybe there's a chance. I mean, I guess it's a confining relationship. Well, thanks, Dr. Garius. That's really helpful. I'm totally with you. You should see his hair right now. And so now you want to go to the next level, and that's 201 rope tie-in.

Yes. So the problem is I would need to get off work once a week for four weeks Wednesday 7pm. She's going to remember I did this last year. This is tough. How long? Seven weeks? No, it's four weeks. Four weeks. Medical procedure. No, she's a doctor. She's basically my doctor. I talk to her about everything. What do you guys talk about?

If I have a problem, I mean, she wrote me a prescription this morning because I have a sore throat. Like, she's not going to buy it that I have a procedure once a week for four weeks. Therapy. What do you think about therapy? At 7 p.m.? Sure. Wait, 7 p.m.? Oh, wait. That's when the class is. Wait, what? What time do you work? Yeah, what is your work schedule again? Oh, well, I've been working more nights because she started paying me overtime this year. But your boss is a doctor? So I've been working a lot. Okay.

So, so the thing is, is I need, so maybe I'll be off at 6 PM one night, but I still need to get over there and be at the class at seven. And so I really need to be off by like five 30. Okay. So you do need a way out every, let's say Friday for seven weeks. For four weeks. No, for four weeks, guys. Four weeks. Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. There's just a lot of information. The rope stuff. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, no, it's not you. It's us. We've also been really weird today.

No, it's okay. No, it's good. The audience will love it. I bet they will, honestly. We started insane. We started insane. But so this is a big one. This is a big one. Yeah, it doesn't, I mean. I think here's what we should do. What?

I'm going to come wherever you are, tie me up, and then we'll see if we can get a gorilla around. I think that's worth a shot. Let's just do it. Tie me up. I got a guy who makes dinosaurs. For over $5,000, we could make a seven-foot gorilla. Stay away from Rob. Why don't we just tie that thing up and get done? Stay away from Rob. Jake, you know what we never talked about, Jake? What? Is I do jujitsu. You do? Oh, Jesus Christ, Heather. Holy cow, what belt are you? By the way, theirs are out.

By the way, what? Wait, by the way, what belt are you?

No, so I hired a personal trainer. Yeah. So we just did it like one-on-one. Okay. But look, this is, you already have the beginnings of your life. I do too. I think you're exactly right. You have the jujitsu. Really? Yes. You now are taking jujitsu at night once a week for the next, what you say is you're going to take it every night for a little while. And then after four weeks, you say it wasn't for you. Here's what, here's what I think you should consider saying. Okay. Your trainer is amazing.

asking that maybe you start competing in order to get your blue belt. And so they want you to step it up a little bit to see if you're going to compete. So they want for four weeks...

At an earlier thing, if you could put in like a big two hour intensive and you're very nervous, but you just want to give it a month to see if you're ready to do this. And then after the month go, I've realized I'm not ready for these group classes. I'm not ready to start rolling more, but thank you for giving me the time to do it. And when you're talking about your excitement about the ropes, you just pretend you use that excitement, but you talk about the jujitsu. It's all the same tying up.

You really learned how to lock things in. By the way, you got a thing with... Yeah, she likes to be confined. You like to be confined and confined if you're a jiu-jitsu practitioner. So I'd like to respond. Please. And feel heard. I'd love to interrupt, but yes.

I think this would be a bigger stretch than you guys know. I don't think, I think this would be like kind of a big lie because she knows I do it on Sundays usually. Understood. And it's,

For, like, self-defense and for, like, exercise. Of course it is. So it would be a big stretch for me to say, hey, now it's on Wednesdays. It can be both. But she's saying no, Dearest. And it's for competition. And it starts this Wednesday. No, I can't wait and change it another day. I have to go this Wednesday. Okay, I understand. So it's not going to work. You know what I mean? But I'll tell you what's also not going to work, a new fake cooking class. No, we can't do cooking. I know. It's not going to work. Because also, she...

to go to the class last year. I know. It would be weird for me to say like, oh, it's back in town. No, it's a disaster. We can't do that. How about this? There's someone who you are trying to go out with. Your schedules are completely upside down. Can't do that four weeks in a row. You could start. Wait, wait, wait. She is very supportive of my love life nowadays. So, okay. All right, I've got two. She supported me in the breakup. She talks.

Sorry, hold on. Gareth keeps interrupting. She likes to be tied up. I can't hear you because he talks so much and he insists that his mic is louder than everybody else's, so it's all I hear. I think you should consider a gag. That's all I'll say. A gag? I'm in. Yeah, for Gareth. Yeah, I'll still get bits out. He would talk through it. I'll eat through it. It would be the first time the gag dissolves.

I have been there. I have special bit enzymes. So she's really interested in your love life? Very supportive. I stayed with her when I broke up with my ex. It was a really hard time. She was super, super supportive. Can I interrupt for a second? That's all you've been doing. Why not be honest with her? She sounds like an amazing friend. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Because what? She's worried about last year's life. I lied to her last year, and I think it would, honest to God, creep her out that we made a fake website, and I tricked her. We're not going to tell her about that part. I don't disagree with that. All right, look. I don't disagree. You'll be like, wait, why would you make a website? Honestly, it is so much weirder than being in a BDSM class to be like, I called a podcast and we made a fake cookie website that's still active. But now you're in a danger zone that you're stuck.

So this is what I would do. I would say one of two things. Either you do the thing where you say there's someone who works regular hours and for whatever, they work two jobs. There's one night a week when you guys can really hang out. It's going to be this. You do that for four weeks. It didn't work out. Your schedules are topsy-turvy. Okay. Or you say... That's a good

plan. Or, the next one is you say, the next four weeks, I had a friend of mine who gave me a birthday present and signed me up for speed dating. They're going to do it for the next four weeks. So the next four weeks, I'm going to speed dating. And this gets hard because then you guys start making up who you're on the dates with if she asks. We're looking to simplify the lie because the other part of this that gets complicated is that you like her. I got something crazy. Yeah. I got something crazy. Okay. And don't say yes unless you like it because I don't know if I like it.

Oh, okay. What if we have her on and we admit Gareth just gave me scared eyes? Well, let me just say this very quickly, Heather. During the last pitch, Jake said a pitch that made Jesse Sherlock go, whoa, and it worked out. So I'm not – sometimes you want to take his hand. But on this one, I don't know. But here's my thought.

You and this woman have a wonderful friendship and you seem like you've gotten a lot closer in the last year since your breakup. Yeah. So...

It is true you lied, but you don't want to keep lying. And the reason you lied was you were embarrassed she was going to judge you. I also think if you wanted to go this route in any capacity, you also were in a relationship where you felt a little bit of shame over something that you liked and you weren't sure how much that would carry over. And now you're taking the power back. And you don't want to keep lying, but you don't know how to admit that the first thing was a lie, but you would love to be honest with her.

And you blame it on us and you say...

I called into this show, but you go like, I called into this show because I thought it'd be funny. And these goofballs did this whole pitch. They made a way. And then you go like, I liked the attention of it. I thought it was fun, but I didn't ever want to hurt you. And I don't want to lie. And I don't want to lie again, but I want to go to 201 and she's going to go, I want you to take the class. And if we can do it right, she's going to be laughing. And then we can all look at the website together. I think, well, what's your gut reaction to that?

Okay, my gut reaction is I like it, but I have a little bit of fear just because I know she will listen to that call, the episode that I did. And I feel like that's a follow-up episode. We were making fun of her. What? Okay, you were saying we were making fun of her a little bit.

I think we did a little. Okay, I understand what you're saying. And I know I said in the episode, like, I lied because I wanted to get out of work and I knew that the cooking class was not a good enough reason. Then we can't do it. And also, sometimes you say things that you don't even fully mean. You're just having fun on the podcast. But the other person will be like, why'd you say that? And you go like, I honestly didn't mean it. And they go, why'd you say it? And I go, because I've never seen a man at your age start perming his hair. That's curling cream. And then

It's like gel. It would be like having gel is what the person would say. I'm trying to talk to her. No, I understand, but I'm just saying I'm jumping in to give Heather... I'd really love to hear Jake. What's that?

I'd really love to hear from Jake in this moment. Heather, that's come across very strongly. You're really trying to come after my heart, and it's working. We know whose team you're on, Heather. I'm still going to try to help you with your problem. If you now tell me after jiu-jitsu. I would love for you to start helping, Garrett. That would be great. Heather, I'm the guy who pitched the dating one that you've responded to most. That's true, actually. Do I need to reintroduce myself? Hang on. You said once a week for four weeks straight.

speed dating. That does not exist. That was my second pitch. That was me talking past the clothes, Heather. That was me talking past the clothes, Heather. Here's where we're at. We need to create something for you that is a clean way out of this. If we start the boyfriend thing, it's going to lead to a lot of lies. Are you comfortable with that? If you are...

We can create a thing. I don't want to just do the role playing for the fun of role playing, and I'm going to tell you why. Because I don't think that's going to work. I think what you don't want to do is keep lying to her, and I think that's going to create a lot of questions. It's really your comfort level. I think the problem in that pitch is that there's going to be a lot of specifics. If you said you're going to take a botany class... That's exactly right. If you said you're going to take a botany class for a month, she's not going to want to hear about that. I think it's jiu-jitsu. She won't want to talk about jiu-jitsu. I think the jiu-jitsu one works, but...

Heather Nixon. But what if you said this? Take away the tournament and all that. Say, hey, my instructor this week can't do weekends. He can only do Wednesdays. Is it okay if in May I get out early just so I can do jiu-jitsu, but then in June I'm back in? I think that's great.

I think that could work. And if you say, if we want to make up more time, I can do it on other days of the week. I won't miss any hours. I just, for these four things, he needs me to do it on Wednesday. It's the only time he's free. And I don't want to fall off because in the jiu-jitsu game, once you fall off, it's really hard. Yeah, you might pull your knee playing with a doll. So I would say to her...

Like, cause we talk about like, I'm about to start living on my own for the first time. And she's been trying to help me feel ready for it and confident. And we talk about like how to save money and stuff. And she's really good at that kind of thing. So I would say I've been considering instead of my personal trainer, like,

What if I try taking a class? It's a lot cheaper. Great. And there's a really good one on Wednesdays, but it's at seven. What do I do? Great. But here's the catch with that. Goofy. Okay, go ahead. So, Heather. We are Heather and Jay to each other. You're Gareth. Just go. Heather, do you want more lies? If there's a class...

Is there a website for the classes? Your friend recommended it. What if she says, maybe I'll try jiu-jitsu? We got a fucking website to be. It's not going to, though. But why do we do a class as opposed... Here's what I'm saying.

Let's create the simplest thing possible so you can lie to this woman as little as you can. Get through this class and move on. You already take private. You do it on Sunday. He can only do Wednesdays, four weeks. That's it. How were they? Whatever you did on Sunday, you talk about it on Wednesday. It was good. What do you think of that clean trainer? I think you're right. Simpler is better. Yes.

How was it? Great. It's a world that she's disinterested in. Yeah. And you already do it. You already do it. You are going to do it every Sunday. You just say Sunday's Wednesday for four. It is in the world of lying. It's easier to be closer to the truth. Yes. As opposed to now there's a class. How was the class? What'd you do in the class? Did you spar? Yeah. There was a guy named Jerry. What did Jeremy look like? He had a goatee. He did. Yeah. He did this. What are we talking about? Yeah. What did you do on Wednesday? Well, what you did on Sunday. Yeah.

What are you guys doing? What you do on Sundays, you just move Sunday to Wednesday. Where do you guys do it? Wherever you did it. What did you practice? Yeah, that makes sense. Yes, it does. Well, okay. But what do you think? Okay, so I would say... Let's start the role play. Gareth, would you like to be the boss? No.

No. Fucking network passed on me. It's going to be network passed on me. Studio passed on me. Producers passed on me. I'm just the guy who showed up at the fence of the line. Creative passed on you. There's literally... Why did I even look at the sides? Because they were around somebody else's and you said, can I look at those sides, brother? I took a picture of him, zoomed in and printed it. So...

Here's what's going to happen. He's going to jump in because he's very excited about this Southern voice. And now he's just going to steamroll. No, I'm out. I promise. Okay. Heather, are you ready to practice? Yes. All right. So where, where are we?

All right. So the kids are napping. Okay. And you come down to chat for a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. What kind of fantasy are we in? He was talking about role playing at your job. Kids are napping. I come down. Jesus Christ, Heather. Heather, what are we doing here? I think you know what we're doing here, Jake. Where are the ropes?

Do I have them? Or do you have them? You have them. Why are the kids napping? They're at somebody else's house. And you might get caught. Also, it's a fantasy. There's no kids. By the way, if it's a fantasy, it's definitely your fantasy. The kids are asleep and you will leave an hour. I thought you were saying we're about to practice the conversation. We are. We are. But what were the kids? What are they napping? We haven't heard about kids up to this point. He's my boss and I'm her nanny.

I honestly...

Wow. What a twist. Because I was thinking with the doctor, that's what we're saying. I thought, I'm picturing us in a medical room. That's why you said the night sounds like, how late do you work? The kids are sleeping. Now I remember that you were her nan. Okay. That, there's a tear in my eye. That was so funny. I was like, yeah, what's confusing? The kids are napping. That's when we talk. It makes perfect sense. Holy shit. Okay. Who the hell was I going to be with? Ha, I'm a robber. Okay.

Okay. So the kids are napping. Okay. All right. Now we're back. Here we go. Okay. And are we doing eyes open or closed? Who's my boss? I'm your boss. Go ahead. What? Are we doing? I'm your boss. He has never asked this one before. I did it to you before. Eyes closed? Yes. Okay. Do you want to do this with our eyes open or closed? That's crazy. I'll close my eyes and then you guys decide for yourselves. Okay.

All right. It'll be like a personal journey for everyone. You learned that in the class. I like being more rulesy. Minor open. Gareth's are open, but he's not even invited. I'm fully aware. That's why minor open. Yeah. Classic creep. Yeah. We're literally saying this is an invite only. Heather.

Heather, you have guest host energy. Heather, I want to say first of all, you're doing a great job. We've been medium today. Oh, thank you. I don't agree. I've been crushing. Heather, you've been a bit of a problem. Go ahead. Close your eyes. Get your mouth. Close your eyes and your mouth. Hey, hey, hey, creep. This is why guys like you aren't invited. Hey. Never. Come on. Back off. All right. Curly. It got, hey. Your weird hair. Stop, nude driver. Okay, Heather. Yes. Our eyes are closed.

Me too. All right. I'm doing the dishes. The kids are asleep. That's the water. Oh, hey, how's it going? Good. How about you? Good. Just doing these dishes. Everything okay?

Hey, mom, he woke up. This is so stupid and loud. You should just get to it. Now we're going to go back to bed. We'll put ourselves in bed. Want to use those ropes to tie that kid up? Excuse me? That's a crime. Okay, and from the top, Heather, let's do a little less insane with the dishes and just more... I'm so sorry. I think I got excited. You got excited. It's okay. Just regular, real humans. All right. All right. Sorry. I'm trying to picture her now. I walked down the stairs. No, you're you.

Wait, we need to come up with a name for her. No, you're you. I know. By the way, you guys sure you don't want me on this project? It seems like a bit of a train wreck. You're talking about for the boss? Need someone to clean it up a little bit? Yeah, so I can say like, hey, Selena. Jake. Okay. Great. Very creative. Action.

He doesn't call action. He doesn't have that authority. He's literally worse than that. He's like a PA on a set. You ever heard a PA call action? They had egg sandwiches. Oh, sorry. Are we rolling? Okay, ready? And action. Thank you, Jake. Hey, Selena. Cut. Let's go from the top. Legit PA. He's the producer's son. Hey, cut. Okay.

Yeah, let's go from the top. If he says that again, just avoid it. He's the producer's son. We have money involved in this. And action. Hey, do you have a second? Of course. What's up? Okay. You know how I do jujitsu on Sundays? Yeah.

Well, he was asking me if I could move to Wednesdays for a little bit. And I told him I could like for a few of the weeks, but I have work on some of the weeks. I was wondering if it's okay if I leave by 530 on Wednesdays for maybe like a month. Is it indefinite or is it just a month?

Just for a month. Okay, let's start over, Heather. A little bit cleaner, and you didn't tell him yet. You're asking her first. What's my reason that I know that it's only a month? Okay, let's reverse. You're Selena. Are we doing eyes open or closed? Because you said close and your eyes were open the whole time. I'm doing eyes open. Okay. I just want to see where the mic is near Garrett's face so I know when he's going to talk. I just want everyone to be honest. Okay, ready, Heather? No need to lie to each other. Ready. And action. Action.

Hey, did the kids down go okay? Did the kids go down okay? Excuse me, cut. I don't mind going in on that one. What the hell happened? Back to one.

Heather, take a look at the script real quick. It sounds like you euthanized the children in that one. Can we put the kids down twice good now? Did the kids down for a second? Did the kids down for a second not wake up? Heather, I need you to take a breath and just let's just be in the moment. Right? All right. And action. Hey.

Me? Heather, I now have to say, you're doing a very bad job. Back to one. Guys, we're losing daylight. Heather, I need you to step up a little bit, okay? This is falling off the rails. I need you to just... I know you like to be tied up, but where's the tongue? Okay, are you ready for this? We're going to do it right now, Heather. All right, I'm really ready. And action. Action.

Action, Heather. Okay, I didn't know if you wanted to start. Let's start over. Let's start over. We're still rolling. And action. Hey, did the kids go down okay? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was no problem. Everything was fine. Ah, good. Yeah. How's everything with you? How are you? You know, I'm doing great. How are you, though? Heather, Heather, Heather, Heather, Heather, Heather.

It's a tad aggressive, yeah? Let's just feel each other out a little bit, okay? All right, all right, all right. I'm not on this project. It's a bit of a train wreck. It's not great right now, but we're about to find it right now. Well, let's find it. But let's not think about what we're going to say, Heather. Let's just be in the moment together. As if we're musicians, let's play jazz. Heather, as a threat, I'm about to do cat voices. And action. Hey. Hey, how's it going? Good. How about you? Good. Just got off a big call. Oh, yeah. What was the call about?

I had to present this new project to corporate. No way. What was the project about? It was kind of a mess. What were the details of the project? Science, blah, blah, blah, medicine, blah, blah. Yeah. Do you mind being a little bit more specific? I'm interested. I usually am specific with you, Heather, and you don't remember the details. That's true. You know me. What's your favorite memory we've shared? Oh.

Probably when you raise my kids so lovingly, you're really great. You are the absolute best. Hey, can I ask a favor? Sure. Anything. So my jujitsu instructor cannot do Sundays for the month of May. And he asked if I could do Wednesday nights. So I would have to leave here at 530, but it's only for May. And then after that, it goes back to Sundays. But I wanted to ask you before I said anything, is it okay if I leave early just on Wednesdays for like a month?

I think so. Let me double check. Awesome. And if it's not, no big worries. I just wanted to ask because he can't currently do them. So just if I can, it would be leaving here at like 530, 545 just for four. I totally understand. Yeah. Okay, cool. Let me see. Yeah, that should be fine. We'll be fine. Okay, great. Thanks so much. I appreciate it. She's lying to you. What was that? She's lying to you. Who is that?

The wind being honest. She made a website last year. So how did that sound, Heather? That's good. I mean, I hope she says, yeah, that's fine. I think she will. So now let's reverse it. Now let's reverse it. And now you're you and Gareth is your boss. Great. Let me know when you're ready. Ready, Heather? Mm-hmm.

Hey, Heather, sound a little more excited about the project. You ready? Absolutely. Three, two, one. Please don't make me laugh again. Here we go. Three, two, one. Entertainment. Action. Ugh, that conference call was just... Hi, are you okay? Yeah, I just so stressed out with some of the work stuff. Piles and piles and piles. How are you? Are the kids okay? Oh, yeah, they're doing great. They're both sleeping. Oh, good. Great. God, nobody puts them to sleep faster than you, Heather. Okay.

What's your secret? Oh, yeah, but not in like a creepy way. Sorry? I said not in like a creepy way, of course. Thou doth protest too much. What do you mean? That's weird. Let's start over, yeah? Okay. And action. What an asshole that guy was. Let's start with Heather. And action. Oh, hey. Hey, Selina. Hey, Heather.

How'd it go up there? Hey, can I ask you a favor? Everyone napping? What? And let's start over. Okay. And action. Action Heather. Hey. Hey. Hey, Selena. Can I ask you a favor? Sure. What's going on?

My jiu-jitsu instructor, you know, we always do Sundays. He asked me if just for May, if I could switch over to Wednesday nights instead. I know some of the Wednesdays I work late. I was wondering if I could be off by 530 on Wednesdays. Just for the month? Yeah, just for May. And then he said he can go back to Sundays like normal. That shouldn't be a problem. Let me just make sure that that works for me, but that should be fine. As long as that's what's happening. That's perfect.

That's perfect. Yep. Thanks. And there's no follow-up that's perfect. And I think if she says, oh, why? I'll just be like, oh, I don't know. He didn't say. Yeah, I don't know. He just asked. I didn't ask. He said, but it's only for, he said, it's only for May and then I'm back to Sundays. Yeah. And I don't know the reason. I don't know. Who knows? He's mysterious. Yeah, but that's a win. Yeah, you got it.

This is perfect. Thank you, guys. Yeah. Will you follow up with us? Absolutely. How long is this call, David? So long. So long. Honestly, no fucking clue. It has to be the longest follow-up. This is the longest follow-up for sure. And what we're going to need you to do at some point, Heather, is you're going to have to guest host an episode with us. Honestly.

We'll have a Zoom one. Maybe a week when like Gareth is busy or something. Guess who just got bounced from the project, Heather. Have a good one. I was thinking with Gareth, but I hear you. Peace.

Heather, follow up with us. This is going to be a great one. Wait, I have a question for Gareth real quick. Nah, goodbye. Let her ask. I've been meaning to ask you. Go ahead. I've been thinking about it. Here we go. This is a dumb bit. By the way, nobody smells a dumb bit more than me. It'll be sweet. No, it won't be. Yeah, well, it's going to be a compliment. Heather, go ahead. Okay, get ready. I'm going to tighten up my vest for the claws.

Literally, your vest. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And the claws to get through your clothes. Jessie, get ready to hang up. Yeah, Heather? No, don't hang up on me. No. All right. I just want to know, how's your wife? I mean, your cat. By the way, I'm so glad we hung in there for that. That has to be...

That is the biggest flop. What? The actual fuck? Heather. By the way.

Heather, take care. Go think about what you just did. Heather, don't listen to him. It was perfect. I didn't expect it. I thought it was coming in sweet. You were right. I thought she was going to go like, I really love you. You're the best. No, what I thought was it was going to just be, I thought it was going to be crazy. But I, Jesse, hang on. Bye, Heather. You're the best. Bye.

Never would I have guessed that ending. That might be the best follow-up.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hey there, we're Heretos. That's the new name we have for you. This is Gareth. Just reminding you, if you have not checked out my new podcast, next we have also a HeadGum production. Please do that. It is a show that just has a lot of good, quick-hitting segments that are funny.

The show is just silly, goofy. It's a good time. I think people will like it. That's why it was named Time Magazine's Podcast of the Year. That's a lie. Don't look it up. But, you know, listen, we're here to help the best. So if you like this show, I think you might like my new podcast called Next We Have. Please give it a listen. And if you like it, you know, do all that stuff you got to do with podcasts. Appreciate it.