185: Good Bit Man, Let's Go (with Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein)
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Hey, Steve Berg is here. I'm going to predict Steve's accomplishment list involves making food, having coffee, drinking

and doing one tiny like little errand or around the house thing. Jake, because he said he's done a lot today. Bathroom. Yeah. A successful bathroom.

Who do you think that's for? I would have liked better, but I was a little anxious about starting the Zoom. Yeah, well, you know, I have stage fright, which is definitely true. No, but I woke up to my cat sitting on my chest, meowing in my face, and I had nothing to eat. So I went to Trader Joe's right when it opened. First one in there, by the way. You went to a Trader Joe's this early in the morning?

Yeah, I went right at 8 when it opened. What for? I had nothing to eat in my house. Oh. Doesn't sound like it. I was hungry. No, it does. I ate all. I ate everything. I've never heard of somebody eating their house out. Well, you know his wife's gone, right? Yeah. Oh, I did know that. His wife's gone. I'm living in chaos. It's bachelor boy style, you know. So it's just chaos.

carl's jr rappers and like post-its hold on steve at our age we can't be bachelor boy style it is but also what that means walking around the house is not a bunch of bachelor boys but what that means to steve is like i ate all the pasta

You know how much brown rice pasta I had? There's none. Bachelor style. There's none, and that's actually what I'm having for dinner tonight. I'm very excited. But I also had my air conditioning service this morning. Okay. What's going on with that AC unit, babe? It's fine, but it turns out the guy was like, yeah, actually, I was out here four months ago. He's like...

He's like, you still want me to do it? And I was like, does it need it? He's like, not really. I'm like, okay, cool. That was a waste. You rebooked him and didn't remember? I thought it had been a couple years. It turns out I had done it in November. He's like, yeah, buddy. Wait like 18 months at least. Jake, can we get into the accomplishment prediction that really nothing has happened? Well, but I will say I've been busy. I've been a busy, busy bee. Busy, busy bee. And he's all hopped up on caffeine. Yeah.

Yeah. When will I ever have time for me? Right? We haven't even explained what this episode is. And Steve's talking about how he's a busy, busy bee. Because Steve showed up 10 minutes early to his call time having had. 15 minutes early. 15 minutes early. Yeah. The idea was, Steven, Gareth and I were going to take a little bit of time for us. I forgot. I thought I would sit in the lobby and then just kind of like read a periodical or something. So I can hop out. Sit in the lobby? Yeah. Yeah.

I got a brand new People magazine I can read. Once you see Steve, you can't. You just gotta get too excited. It's not Steve time. You just hold on tight. You just hold on tight. Well, first of all, so this episode is, we're releasing it today. Yes. Oh! We're kind of hot off the presses. We're kind of going a little... We can talk about the Diddy News and be very topical. That's exactly right. Did that shit happen?

Guilty on two charges. Not guilty on a bunch of others. Yeah. Man, he's not going to do any time, is he? He's doing a little time.

I interrupted the intro, Jake. No, I mean... So we're just going to have a little, a little F around. So here's what happened. And it was Wobby Wobbs and Nat Attack's idea. We were all texting and we were going to do another re-release of just other episodes, which are fun. But, you know, they're not the greatest because people have already heard them. And they're fun for us because we get to re-listen to them and then we do a new intro. Yeah.

And then they said, why don't you and Gareth just get on and just bullshit about the fourth? And I've been wanting to do a little Zoom with Gareth. And so hold on. Watch this. Three, two, one. Wow. Oh, somebody's got a little. Are you allergistic right now, Jake? Constantly. You're so good at that. Thanks, man. It's time. Yeah, the allergies have been killing me. Me too. Way to go. Thanks, man. And so then we said. Imagine being Steve's AC guy who's like, buddy, how high are you? I know it.

Not even. But by the way, no, that you called him back at a short period of time and he was a gentle enough soul not to charge you. He didn't charge me. He's like, yeah, man, you know, Jesus don't have to have us out. We change the filter every 18 months. Yeah. Well, here's what he also could have done to you, Steve.

Yeah, you need a whole new AC and everything. And then, like the character from Memento who doesn't ride it on his arm, he could come back a week later and do it again. He really could. He could go to his boss and go, we are going to get so rich off this guy. I wasn't stoned this morning when he came over, but was I stoned when I made the appointment? Likely. I'm like, you know what I'll do? I'll get on top of the air conditioning maintenance. Okay.

Which is, I mean, as we all know, those units are expensive, fellas. All right. Yeah. Hold on. Hold on, Stephen. You want to get the most out of them. Hold on, Stephen. I agree, Gary. So today we're just going to have a little 4th of July eff around. We invited a couple friends, one who's going to aim to be here when we asked him, and one who's already here talking about...

how ACs work or don't work. And it's coming from a guy who, again, booked an appointment two times in a few months, one of them, which was totally irrelevant. And now he's nodding and looking at us, and he really boasted today about how he showed up to Trader Joe's before anyone else. Like a flex. It's not a flex. And then he called it bachelor boy style. Well, he's just sitting in a house with towels on the ground.

By the way, Gareth, you're not wrong. Everything you're kind of pointing out is accurate. This has been a crazy Steve start. Crazy Steve start. What are the... Now I'm turning because I was just... I'm waking up. And so I was in seeing Stevie's sweet face mode. But I think Gareth has been up for a little bit more. He's seeing things clearly. What were the accomplishments?

I think I've been laying it out. I'm all business today, folks. That's not an answer to his question. Yeah, okay. Well, let me finish. You cut me off. Well, start. It's about give and take. I wake up. I feed the cats. We play a little stick. And as soon as I'm like, well, Trader Joe's, I got about a 12-minute drive. Get there right at 8 p.m. And by the time I get back. 8 p.m., huh? 8 a.m. You got me, dude. Nailed me. Oh, man. Oh, man.

By the time we get back, that guy is pulling up. I timed it all perfectly. No, you didn't. He didn't see you. Hold on, hold on. No, but if I did. I know. If you did, it would have been perfect. But hold on. Thank you. What did you get at Trader Joe's? Oh. Oh.

Okay, well, I've been doing these pastas. I call them a garden pasta. We kind of make it fun. And so I get some ground chicken, Jake. But I also get like four peppers. I get two green, two red, a big onion, and some mushrooms. And I cook those vegetables down. It's almost like a ratatouille in a way. And then I add the traditional marinara sauce on that. And I will be doing brown rice noodles because...

Look, you can't do flour noodles during the week. Okay, so hold on, Gareth. And I know I've said this to both you guys in person, and I did not ask to set up my own slam dunk, but Gareth and I did something cooking with Bert Kreischer, or something's burning. Something's burning. Bert, friend of the show, really good to us, brought us to his place, has a whole setup, a whole fake podcast house. Has a house. Yeah.

A fake podcast house. It's a business house. This dude is just in a party state. He's ripping joints, cooking food. We're all telling stories. I love it. And got a really nice business out of it. How is there not a version of cooking with Steve, everything you were just talking about, that meal, just the way Jennifer Garner has a couple cameras on her as she's making little pastries? Yeah. Yeah.

I want to know about a fucking garden potato. I want to hear four peppers. And then you go in as like, you know, with a little apron on.

Going to the camera being like, hey, everybody, do you guys want to learn how I make this? I completely agree. It's like. I completely agree. You need a GoPro and a steak. Yes. And you could just put it wherever you're going in your garden for picking and your kitchen for starting. Because even what you're saying now is there's no. And I mean this in the nicest way. There's no substance to it. Nothing happened.

Nothing happened. Gary, you are nasty this morning. I could keep listening. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the web. Yes. I could keep listening to it, is what I'm saying. I think we have a Krabby Appleton in our midst. I hate to say it, though. I love Mean Garrett. I love Mean Garrett.

Yeah, well, I do too. He's so funny. And when he's mean, he kills me. He's scary. Well, people were... Mean guy that's scary. That last episode, people were like, jeez. I mean, Heather and I were real... I forgot how intense that exchange got. Heather's so funny. She really... We had a caller come on, and she had been on a few times, and she just was doing...

What's been really fun about the show is now the callers really know the show. So not all of them, but a lot of them really know all the bits. And she just decided everything Jake said was great. So I would say something really stupid. And she'd be like, can I please hear Jake finish? And every time Garrett talks, she'd be like, shut up, Garrett. She just was. But having a caller do that bit.

And Gareth and I happened to be in person for it. I just gave up. It was too much. I gave up. Comedically, it was a 10 out of 10. Great experience for Jake. I was like, shut up, Heather. I was eventually like, Heather, shut up. He was.

God, she pushed you. But it was so funny. But no substance, you were saying. I agree with your original premise. I think that it really is an injustice that there is not a Cooking with Steve show. And that there's not guests can come on. Different people, like I would love to sit and have like a

You explain what, because, you know, it's probably just copying too much of Bart, so you'd have to do your own version. Because what I really liked that he did, and I hadn't seen his show before I did it, but he asks, what do you want? And then he makes it, and the fucking dude's a good chef. He's good. Is he good? He's chaos, but he's good. But then there's a version of what Jennifer Garner does, which I find to be, there's a bunch of these Instagram actors who do it now, which...

i mean i think the woman from sopranos does it too where all of a sudden they just filmed their really expensive kitchens and for some reason they make videos of them like cooking pastries yeah yeah and i'm like i don't think you're a chef i don't know what's happening here but you'll look and it'll be like

a billion views and everyone going like, oh, yay, yummy, wowsers. What's also great about it. Bakey, bakey. And I'm like, what galaxy am I in? This is just an actor making brownies. And if someone's going to do it, I would like it to be Steven. I agree. Yeah. Well, look, I, you know, guys, thanks for the vote of confidence. It's really building me up. This is great. Especially after Gareth has tore me down. I mean, you did nothing.

What have you done today? Nothing. But I didn't start off with, whoa, I'm crushing the day. I've been to Trader Joe's, got groceries for the week. I called the air conditioning guy, had a nice conversation with him. You didn't need him. Well, I found out today I'm probably going to be buying the extended, like the annual checkout plan. So he did take you. That's what he sold you. He did take you. He got me. I didn't sign up for it. I have the pamphlet. I'll be showing the better half and she'll make that decision.

By the way, go into that, Steve. And I've given this thought. The prank we did on you, in the end, you had so much confidence that you had Murder, She Wrote It, the ending. And then I re-listened to the episode.

You didn't figure it out. Susie did. Completely. Yeah, but I gave her credit for it. I know you did, but kind of. She's like, are you sure this wasn't Jake and Garrett? Like, she needed. Okay, that's Susie doing it all. They have a history of doing this to you. And then you were. I was like, wait. And there was like a flashback of all the times you guys have pranked me. I wish it was a great, like, little montage. Steve, your big clue. It was all black and white, you know, and you were speaking slowly. Yes, totally. Your big clue in the episode of Murder, She Wrote was that your wife told you what was happening.

But I was smart enough to deduce that she was correct. And then you went into your mind palace. I was smart enough to deduce that she was correct. By the way, a Steve Berg version of Murder, She Wrote is always confused. And then his wife, who only appears in one scene in each episode, just goes like this. Like, oh, stop it. The mailman did it. Well, do you remember? Well,

One night, Jake. What I was saying was. It's like Inspector Gadget. One night, we were all in your yard, Jake, and we started talking about it, and we called it Murder, He Wrote. And we laughed for so long. No, Clay Allen actually and I, I mean, developed. We had lunch. We talked about it. But I was going to play Jessica Fletcher's grandson. Yeah, that's perfect. That is so funny. Yeah.

Murder hero would be amazing. And the idea of because because to what Jake's saying, it is true. It was like I think we were so gutted with you knowing what was going on that it really clouded the reality, which was that you we had you. You had me. You're right. Susie, I get Susie and let her know next. I was so because what I really in my heart of hearts wanted, Steve.

And so did Gareth, we talked about it. There was a world we were gonna do this for like five years. Yeah. And Steve keeps sending whatever, 'cause a lot of calls to the complaints of some of our listeners

We repeat pitches. Well, I'll tell you why. We're not the sharpest tools in the shed and you just, after a while, some of these calls like booking an air conditioning guy who's just been there, they seem familiar. Yeah. And some of them are like, There's only so many tricks in the bag, you know? Yeah, that's true. You got a weird box in your attic, weird box in your basement, it was like, send it to Steve. The best salt. Because,

Because every time Steve reacts to it, it'll be like new. He'll go like, this is crazy. What happened? Chocolates from South Africa? What happened? I was very scared, but I did eat it. Well, my wife said to not have them. And then I got really high one night and I tried two. It was game over. I will say, I'm good at forgetting, as we all know. And if people want to send me products, I'd be happy to go through them and review them.

Ooh. Well, hold on. We can't give your address out willy-nilly. No, I'll give you a PO box that I'm supposed to create. It's on my list of things to do. So what is the thing you're pitching that you would test products? I got to see this list. I like this. Yeah, I'll test your product, give a full, honest review. I'll put it in use. I like this. If it's a jump rope, I'll go out to a church parking lot and jump rope and say, oh, no, this one doesn't really have a lot of flex.

Okay. How does that grab you? Grabs hard. Grabs hard. Yeah. But I also, I got to get eyes on this to-do list. The P.O. box is on his to-do list. Yeah. Wait, what is it? Hold on. Garrett, you nailed it. Steve, off the top of your head, what's on that to-do list?

Oh, boy. He's looking back at you. I don't know why I'm looking over there. I was looking in the hallway for help. Your wife's not here to solve this one. In your head, for real, what's on the to-do list? Here's one I did accomplish recently. What's not on the list? I was sent $1,000 worth of steaks, and so I had been meaning to get a deep freeze for about two and a half years. But once I got those steaks, I'm like, I can't fit all those in my just regular refrigerator. Why did you get 1,000 steaks?

I do MC work for Omaha Steaks, and they sent me a little gift. Incredible. And no one in my family eats beefs. My wife doesn't eat beefs, and now I'm basically just going to clog my arteries with T-bone steaks. So what's your brag here? I'll be dead in six months. Thank you, Omaha Steaks. You've got a freezer? Yeah.

I got a free throw. That was a big... I have a to-do list, like a weekly. And then I have the to-do list. We're kind of looking for either right now. The only thing you did was look behind you and told us about something you did do. No, I did the deep freeze. That was big. Huge accomplishment. What's on the weekly and what's on the overall? Well, the weekly one was go to Trader Joe's. Nailed that. That's a weekly one? Well, that was on... I put that on my iCal last night.

If I don't have it on my iCal, it will not happen. I'll just forget about it. He's trying to bid his way out of this. He's in a half Nelson. He's trying to bid his way out. I mean, it's tight. No, I really haven't made it. I mean, it's a holiday week, so I'm going easy on myself. Okay. All right. So we're not going to get any answers on the actual to-do list or any of that stuff. No, no. Okay. Gareth, what's going on with you, pal?

I'm a little concerned about Steve and his to-do list and all that stuff. But he's kind of a crappy allotment today. We should point out, we've invited a second force of nature. Yeah. Look at that shirt. He's muted. You're on mute. Hold on. Eric just showed up in a full-on tie-dye shirt. Thank you for joining us. You look good. You too.

I like how he's got to sit like a mermaid now. Jake, what did you just eat, Jake? I'll eat anything, man. You just ate something. I took a bite of ice in the coffee because I'm trying to do keto these days. Oh, Jake. Eric knows. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Here we go. I did a body scan.

where you can go in the back of a van in a parking lot. We know this is not true. It's fucking true, Jack. What are you doing? I didn't go to Catholic school. I went to public school.

So I went to a body scan where I go like, well, you know, so I went to the place and it was in a strip mall on the east side of L.A. And I get there and I go to the little like, you know, what looks just like a physical therapy training place. And I walk in to check in and they go, oh, the scans aren't here. They just use our location. They're in a van in the parking lot. Good feeling. Yeah.

Ask for a guy named Spider. Come, Will. And then I go, well, there's no van in the parking lot. And they go, well, he must be late. Just hang out. You'll see the van. Good vibes all around, for sure. Ten minutes later, a van pulls up. I go inside it.

How did this start, Jake? Why did this start? This just... You know, Gareth, I'm going to tell you. So, my journey into the martial arts... Here we go. Sorry. Sorry, King. I know you love karate, man, but I was out there rolling on the mats, Jack. So, wait. So, you have the...

Dalliance with jujitsu has led you to... Well, so here's what's been going on. And this is where I'm going to do my morning to-do flex, and you're going to be able to kill me, Gareth.

i've been working on a lift and heavy king knows this i texted him but i deadlifted 325 pounds the other day that's real this is confirmed this is that's real confirmed by a text message eric we have a psychedelic trainer that is changing oh right i remember as we speak where do you guys hear everything is new with g fit g fit uh and

So he pushed me. I didn't want to do it. And he said, you're being a bit of a baby. And the weights, when I started lifting, I went like, I don't got it. Don't got it. And he goes, help, help. For a guy at your girth, you should get it. Oh, Jesus. He did. That was the tone. That was the tone. You're a big boy. Just like lift the weights, you human baby sissy.

And so then I was going like, well, I kind of want to know where I'm at and I need to know numbers because I'm like, you work out and you start getting in this zone where you're like, what am I doing? If you're not going to get in a street fight, which Gareth, you know, you know me, I would love to just test my, you know, you work out, you go ahead. No, it'd be great for you to get in a street fight, to bring you back down to earth for a minute. I've seen him in a street fight. I saw it. He's one to know.

For those that don't know, they tried to jack this man's fucking cell phone on Long Thomas Avenue. And this man went ahead and said, you know what? No. Well, hold on. Hold on. Eric, tell the story. Because you came and saved his bacon. No, no, no, no, no. Eric, will you tell the story of what happened in 2004? He was getting beat up. We were moving. Three gentlemen. They were beating him up. They all sound like gentlemen. Absolutely. And it was one of the first times I'm like, Jake's just given a little bit more.

and only other it was a weird thing i'd only ever seen in my gonzaga friends went on to professional athletics and i we were moving from one five four or five north lost palmas still there jake we got to check it out because that's that thing's getting knocked down soon and it is trash we're moving on up to 1850 north whitley with an accordion door from somebody

Who lived in that building also? When we moved in? The new building. Brian Austin Green. We were real nasty and jealous of Bagg. What not were you? I was real nasty and jealous of Bagg. And what did you do one day? Chucked a thing of sour cream down in the pool with him. Ha ha ha!

You said we're creating pool day. Brian Austin Green. Brian Austin Green swimming in the pool with a couple of friends. Eric and I on the porch. He's just going off on bag.

I didn't have a lot of thoughts on Bag. I'll be honest. But Eric was hot and it was funny. Then Eric goes, fuck it. And he takes it. Throws it up. And by the way, Bag was with some friends who would have beaten us up.

Oh, easy. Me and Eric aren't beating you guys up. We're not winning against Bagging the Boys. No. Eric whips a thing of sour cream at him. You know, it doesn't hit him, but it splashes nearby. Like an enormous seagull took a shit near him. They probably took some sour cream shrapnel. He did. He did. I bought my own sour cream from Baja Fresh. Beat the system.

Okay, wait. So then you see, explain how Jake kicked ass and then we'll get to when he was in the back of a van. I was in the process of moving and we were moving all my stuff in my Sebring convertible at the top down because the convertible can actually function as a pickup. Tell the quick story of the really sweet couple from the Midwest who looked at your apartment. Do you mind?

Oh, yeah. Well, I just wasn't living well back then. I was I was a work in progress. And as I was moving out, there was a couple looking around like, oh, maybe we could make the transition like a bachelor apartment in Hollywood.

And then I was like, oh, I'm moving out if you want to check the place. This place was in such a disgusting state of disrepair. They walked in and collect themselves and walked out with a look of horror. But she did muster just a look of pure human sympathy that someone had been living like that.

It's ready to show. Like an animal on my phone. Eric volunteered it. A really sweet couple from Minnesota. He's like, I'm moving out if you want to check it out now. And they're like, you don't mind?

Go ahead. Oh, yeah. It's ready to show. The back hallway where the bathroom was, I remember I used it once, was like a scary dungeon with no light. They literally felt like they walked into like serial killers. They probably left L.A. Do you remember, did anyone see the movie Barbarian? Yeah. Oh, God. Great. I just watched it. You know when they go down and they enter that like basement and they keep walking? That was Eric's place. He showed that to like a little Midwest couple.

He even has the old woman back there. Oh, yeah. My kitchen was an electric wok on top of the toilet. What? Yeah, I alternated between an electric wok and a Foreman grill. I was working at Whitley Market, Pizza Bella, in the back of a pizza joint on Whitley and Franklin. And I just, you know, I...

I was into some pills. I wasn't living right. I wasn't the best version of myself that you guys see now. And I know y'all kind of looked at me as a spiritual. We look up to you. Yeah. Being on pills and having an electric walk on your toilet is so specific. It belongs in the script. You sit there and wonder where it all went right.

So we're moving. And so we're moving my stuff just like four blocks up. And we are very excited because even though I'm only living in a den with an accordion door, we now have access to a pool. We know this is a step up. And we also know that Chris Farley's brothers used to live in this high rise apartment. And so he would party there. So that's even more exciting. Yeah. So as we're moving, I come out with like the last two things. I have a hammer and I have a giant cigar store, indigenous cigar.

I don't know how to put that diplomatically friends. That's the best we're getting. And a giant cigar store, indigenous head. Sure. And then I come out, I look at, there are three guys attacking Jake at once.

And he is fighting them off. One of them is hitting him. One of them is grabbing his cell phone. And Jake, if I recall correctly, saying, I'm not giving you my shit, man. I'm not giving you my shit, man. Yeah. The other guys also on top of him. Throwing blows, King. Throwing blows.

It was shocking to come out to, so much so I thought it was improv, folks. I thought he put me up to it. I didn't believe this was really it. I'm like, oh, shit, these guys are doing a Harold. Come here and fuck with my body. So then I... But then I...

it's also sort of undeniable what's happening. So I just, you know, while holding the head and the hammer, just go, Hey, and then they swore and look, and they're just kind of, cause I'm standing on these stairs with the sun behind me and I'm already tall as hell anyway. So I looked about 20 feet tall. And he might've just seen the head. That is not a joke. Cause I saw it too. I was in the middle of a scrap for my life and I,

I was right at the point where the tipping point was happening and Jake Sturr was about to go down. And I hear, it was fucking Paul Bunyan. And what it looked like, it was like that because the indigenous head, it was a, a huge head.

It looked like he was holding the head of something. And then the way the hammer was looked like a huge weapon. It looked like a mythical creature of defense came out. It was. And these three dudes scattered.

And then Eric walks over and my head was banging. It was like I got a couple blows to the temple and the adrenaline was going down. And I go like, oh, thanks, man. And he goes, good bit, J-Man. Let's go. Wait, you still thought it was a bit? He thought it was a bit through the drive to his place. Good bit. And in the middle of it, he's like, wait, are you okay? I'm like, no, my man. Okay.

I was punched in the face a bunch. This old geek might be concussed.

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In your assessment, Eric, you think that Jake is a fighter. You believe in the jujitsu form. Absolutely. You think he's on the right path. I believe in Rudy Garcia, who is, you know, when the teacher's ready, when the student's ready, the teacher appears, and that's Rudy for us. But Jake just has that little bit extra. I think if Jake had focused himself on professional athletics, he could have made it. He could have played in the NBA. He's more athletic than my friend Dan Dickow.

The NBA? Yeah, I think you could have. That's the what, water guy? I can see with a lot of training, a lot of focus,

Single A baseball. Single A baseball. You have a good arm. You throw the baseball well. Single A baseball. And you can drink on that. That's an athletics event where you can drink. Yeah, exactly. If Jake had been born into my friend Dan's family, he wouldn't have made the NBA. My buddy's dad, Randy, held him back in eighth grade to grow up. Eric, once we start toying with the genetic makeup of a person, I think we're sort of saying that person is not right for it anymore. I don't know. Jake has it.

Jake as is. As you all know, he's very athletic. He is. I'm not to mention that. I'm just saying he's more athletic than my friend in the NBA. Garrett is hating this. This goes back to frizz ball in the park where we would play two on two. And I will say, Garrett had prowess. You both were good. You did have prowess. I got to say, well, Eric, you were missed on those days.

But it was the three of us and Clay Allen. And Clay Allen's sneaky athletic. He was good. He's a glider. He's a glider. So fast. He moves well. And I got to say, Steve...

You know, and I've complimented you, Gareth, on your athleticism in 1987 Oldsmobile, where Gareth's athleticism is the athleticism. And it sounds like a dig, but it is not because you guys know how I feel about cars. He's an 87 Oldsmobile with 200,000 miles on it, but it never breaks down.

And you want to go 90? Hit the gas. It'll get you there. You want to zip around a course? It's going to do it. Garrett's had, like, Tom Berger's bad knees from a major league back when he was 22. You had, like, new braces when you were a kid. But he's still hitting 280. I know. It's still good. Laying down that bunt to win it all. It looks like it hurts. It looks like it hurts, though. All right. This all leads us to Jake Johnson saying,

dead lifting a great amount of weight. And now you go into a body scan. So here's what it is. I know that these days I'm stronger than I've ever been and I'm feeling good about it. And then I was like, but I don't know a gauge. What's the gauge of this stuff?

I was like, I don't give a fuck how I look in some denim pants. I hate seeing you hurting, Eric. Oh, no. It's so much better. I promise you. It can't be better. I know you. No, no, no. Yesterday was much worse. You poor thing. I got you. Oh, no, no, no. Boys, I promise you. I'm up front. It is so much better. By the way, Eric, you're not up front. Yeah. Sure I am. No, you're not. But you're sitting on the side like you're in excruciating pain. Also, every time I ever see you, you go...

Better than ever, brother. Eric, will you tell the story really fast of the Dick Van Dyke show you just saw? Oh, God. I mean, I'd much rather. This is like where you look at everything that everybody laughs about you behind your back and God damn it, they're right.

So I have a reputation for dragging friends and for me going to see a lot of geriatric rock stars. He's taking me to see Kenny Rogers and Jerry Lewis. We played a fake typewriter. For a moment. For a moment. What was that show, Steven? Okay, first off, when we saw Kenny Rogers, I got so drunk I fell down a flight of stairs and was fine. Oh.

Remember at the end, I felt, I literally felt on the flight of stairs and saving by drink so much whiskey. That was so loose. I was, nothing happened. Nothing happened. You're also indestructible bird, but like it was thick bones, but it was, I would blackout drugs. Steve could get hit by a truck. And once he got up, I wouldn't ask him if he was okay.

I'd be like, if he went like this, Jesus, that truck was coming at a 35 mile an hour pace. I'd go like this. You go, yeah. I'd go, okay, so the next thing we're doing. Yeah. Let me go look at the damage to the truck. Slow down, turkey. As Steve gets hit by the truck, he would go like this. Jesus, is your truck okay? I am so sorry. But Eric also...

Jerry Lewis, I mean, this is late stage Jerry Lewis, where he literally, he couldn't, he didn't do anything. He showed those clips and then played the typewriter. You got to be kidding me. I'm not joking. So he has like this old typewriter bit from the 50s where someone plays the piano, but he plays the typewriter like he's playing the piano. And he was doing faces. I'll give him that. He was like...

He wasn't doing faces. But also, Gareth, he said, I'll give him that. Like it was money well spent. It wasn't. It wasn't. Doing faces while playing a keyboard is not I'll give him that. I'll give him that. So he was making faces. Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to throw you off on Dick Van Dyke. No, no, no. This was much needed. And then my buddies Mark and Scott also give me a ton of shit.

because i once made them uh i this whole thing we picked up mark in toronto we was working we're supposed to go to the outlaw country show i'm like hold on we have a day off and charlie pride is doing a show in western pennsylvania so i pick him up and i'm and i i want to make sure i get to see charlie pride early who is charlie pride no idea thank you for he's a country artist

Oh, God. He's great. He is great. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Trailblazer. Charlie Pride's the greatest story. Basically, Gareth, you'll get into him. He's one of these amazing American stories.

Charlie Pride's first country album came out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Everybody, Wikipedia if you're interested. No, no, Charlie Pride is an all-time great. He is a legend and a hero. And Charlie Pride's first ever country album. He's not going to give you tickets to his show because of this. He's not listening. Charlie Pride. Well, we lost Charlie two years ago. How old was Charlie Pride, Dave?

Was he nearly 100? Okay. I thought you were talking about a young guy like a Charlie Crockett. This is another older guy? No, he's incredible. Charlie Pride is historic because in the early 60s, his first album came out. Charlie's singing the music he loves. It goes to a rocket on the country charts. And the only slight interesting thing is his picture is not on the front of this album because Charlie was black.

Shut up Eric. Shut up with your tone. By the way, I think Eric saw the movie. Eric saw the movie. Wait, hold on. I think Eric saw Cocoon as a little kid. Those are my people. I agree.

I know. I agree. I like the old guys. Oh, don't you dare tell me you were an influence by Dennehy as well, buddy. Fair enough. You got it. You know what else I love is that this story is headed towards how this show disappointed the people he took there. And he's like, you don't know Charlie Pryor. Also, the rhythm there of his photo wasn't on because he, we all know this story. It's happened a million times.

I thought you didn't know Charlie. I don't know Charlie. I know the story. White guys have stolen black guys' music forever. Well, but he was the first to come out and straight sing country music, and he couldn't tell. And so it was this whole thing, and he went on to this meteoric career, and I really wanted to see him. When he was 80.

my mark and scott were true because i'm like i don't think we can stop in niagara falls it sounds like we've all seen it before i think we're good i want to make sure we get to the casino early and they're like you're not really because i get a lot of shit because these trips demand leadership and i step up and they're like nobody's demanding leadership the world is wrong

It's adults just going to see a show. Do not need leadership. Honestly. That's what a dad does to ruin a vacation. That's what I do to ruin everything.

The reason I call you out here is I'm looking in a mirror, not in a Zoom. I know, buddy. I know. That's why I have waves of love and empathy. All right, keep going. So that group needed leadership, and you stepped up, Jack. Yeah, so I didn't stop at Niagara Falls. And then also I'll say this. The show is heroic, but Charlie did have to leave the stage twice to change pants. He didn't change pants.

Yeah, yeah. Eric, Eric. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm going to Gareth for a second. Eric, I love you. And you really should work in some kind of damage control for celebrities.

Because you went and saw an 80-year-old shit his pants twice, and the lead-up to that was that you saw something heroic. That is heroic, man. He came back out twice, Gareth. He got knocked down twice by his stomach, which I can understand. He was contractually obligated.

He's at a role. I mean, he probably didn't know what the fuck was going on. Look, my friend. He's being pushed out there to make money. Gareth. These guys are getting milk. And you and Berg have the lowest. But the fact that Berg was like, he did make faces. I'll give him that. And you saw a guy shit his pants twice. And we're like, I watched a hero today.

Not all heroes wear capes. A hero. And there was some silence in the drive after we saw him, and I could tell that they disagreed with my decision not to stop at Niagara Falls for Charlie. But I stood by it, and whatever. But especially with those two, I have a difficult thing, and I'm trying to make up for it. So this week, I realized I had a chance to really do right by a mark, and that is that we were going to Vandy Camp.

And yes, that is a day camp circus put on by Dick Van Dyke. And as the player would say, Dick Van Dyke. Gareth, your thoughts on this so far? Twofold. One, obviously, why? No. The second is just a real sense of, I'm almost impressed by Eric's inability to not do things. Because when I hear these things, I think I could just be at home. Yeah.

And he wants to go to Dick Van Dyke. Vandy camp. Yeah. Uh, Steve, if you were still living in LA and were invited to, uh, Vandy camp, which I've stopped getting the invites to. Yeah.

Yeah. How are you responding? How does the text come in? What happens? Here, it's like basically Ferris Bueller and Cameron where Eric can work me over. Like, I'm very pliable with him. He'll put it out there. I go, no, man. Like, at that point,

I'm totally good on that. Like, I'm not a Van Dyke fan. I'm not a Van Dyke head. And then he'll say something about, when I thought we'd see this show, leave early, of course. Then we go down to Chinatown and get those noodles you like. Oh, me, brother, I'm driving. And then I'd be like, I could eat. Yeah.

That's interesting. He's got my number. Oh, he's got my number. I'll drive big too. I will say, one out of the three things, though, is incredible, but you're going to have to sit through some utter garbage to get there. The Jerry Lewis thing was insane, but the Kenny Rogers...

Pretty great. Yeah. Pretty great. You know what I'm saying? And I'll take one out of three. That's an MLB Hall of Famer. That's O'Connor. When he hits, he hits. Yeah, but you're willing to go to three events knowing two of them are going to be terrible? Because I don't view it like baseball stats. Yeah, baseball stats are really, they're kind of an outlier in sports. I view it more like going to a concert, I view more like life-saving medicine. If I'm going to go on, it's got to be, yeah, yes. It can't be...

It can't be even 50-50. It's like, no, this is going to be a good-ass show. But you got to slog through it to get there. And one of my joys in life, you all know live music's my medicine. One of my joys is when I do find someone. One of your medicines. One of my medicines.

Back in the day, you just have another... I need to take a muscle relaxer. I got a combo this morning. Are you speaking to me? I'm feeling good. This guy's got a lot of medicines. That's right. My wife goes after special circumstances. Back off. It's my medicine. No, but like...

I'll go and I'll see the people that are the next big thing. I went to one a couple weeks ago and then I very respectfully was like, he's not my guy. He's not the next big thing. But you slogged through. Then I went to see James McMurtry. Who? Who got the big thing? Never, ever, ever. Then I went to see James McMurtry at the Troubadour and was blown away. I'm sorry to cut you off.

But about three weeks ago, he sent me that great text. You know when he sent me a point, I just go, buddy. Then you wait. Then you wait because you know a block of text is coming. He's like,

very close to you on July 3rd, Anne Margaret is playing. And I'm like, Anne Margaret? Anne Margaret! She's like 90. He's like, she's dancing with Pap. Yes. This is the 1950s. There's no bit. And he almost had me going. I was like...

I mean, he's right. This could be a great opportunity. And I'm like, no, I can't go to Embark. What am I thinking? What am I doing? It's a 90-year-old woman being tortured by some weirdo in her group trying to make money off her. Eric is all over every concert in Omaha that is quasi-interesting to Eric. Eric's sending me like a flyer for it. Do you know how often he says to me, dude, some minor league team is playing five hours away from Omaha? Let's go meet Bird.

And I'm like, that's another state, brother. We have to fly into a different state, drive to another state for Berg to drive to another. And he goes, but then we get to watch a minor league game for three hours. I'm like, I don't want to see the event. Why don't we just meet in like a Denver in the middle? Oh, God. All right. So Steve, wait, really fast. So Eric.

We no tangents to other concerts. Please. Vandy camp. Vandy camp. So Mark and I go out there. I promised him good times. Like, dude, he's 99 years old. It's a crazy start to a pitch of good time. Our spirits are going to be renewed. I've heard this is amazing. I've seen Instagram videos of Dick Van Dyke singing. This is awesome. How old is he?

He's 99. Late 90s. And he turns 99. Literally 99. And he turns 105 months. A 99-year-old man should not be hosting a camp. If you're retired, he should be in hospice. Me going to an event starts with a 99-year-old is the thing we're going to see. Perform. A 99 performing for you. This is what I told Eric the other day.

These guys are being tortured. This is how they are. These are people pulling these old guys up to tap dance to milk the money out of them. Eric's going like, yeah, abuse. This is darkness, brother. Frankie Valley just walks out there and he, he, he rumbles to his own music. It,

It's craziness. He's playing a casino out here in a few months. I am. You're going, aren't you? But just because it is such a shit show, I'm like, is it this bad? I bet. I don't know. But normally when I go to see something ironically, it never, never works. It's never good. I kind of have the pure intention, which I had for Vandy camp. And we got out there and it seemed magical. There's like this outdoor circus. I'm seeing other groovers around. I'm like,

I'm like, man, we're all just going to get renewed. What's a groover? So we go out. What's a groover? Kind of like, you know, a cooler version of a hipster. What is that? Eric is a groover. Yeah, I'm a Donald Groover. What is a cooler version of a hipster at a 99-year-old camp? It's a man who's extremely stoned wearing a tie-dye shirt, dancing with his hands up in the air. What Steve said, yeah. Like he's at Evangelical Snake Handling Church. Oh, my God. Like Bill Walton.

Yeah, or Bill Walton. Steve, I'll talk to you off the air. I just had some really good luck in a Bill Walton auction to be continued. Oh, congratulations. This life, every little glimpse into it is unreal. What the hell is a Bill Walton auction? They auction off his personal possessions.

What? Yeah. See, Jake, you said no tangents, but how can you resist all the breadcrumbs? How could you just sell off a dead man's stuff and a bunch of groovers buying his dirty socks? Yeah. Oh, this is disgusting. Tie-dye shirt. Let the man rest, Eric. A watch. A watch.

Eric's going to be Bill Walton. Yeah. His hair. Steve knows this. This is the goal. Bill had it all figured out. If anybody listening to this has any access to Luke Walton, his normal seeming son. Yeah.

Just know they are auctioning off your dad's personal items to groovers. The definition of a groover is a man in a tie-dye dancing, as Steve said, like this. Arms above the head. Like how a baby dances. When I die, a message to my daughter, someone clip this.

Don't auction my garbage and my dirty underpants. Some groover. It won't be groovers for me. It'll be a new term called hustlers. Yeah. What's a hustler? If you got greasy hair and you're trying to make a deal like this. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You go to a 99-year-old man. All my images is one of those monkeys I see on Instagram with a chain around their neck in some country with tourists walking by, and the monkey comes out and does like a real funky dance, and they make money, and somebody goes like, we've got to release the monkeys. That's what I always think when I hear these. So...

Dickie Van Dyke has, in my head, he's got a little chain around his neck. He's in the back cage. By the way, I just Googled Dick Van Dyke now just to have a look. And the first thing that it says is that he had to miss an event due to health reasons. Well, 899. Unfortunately, today is not a good day for him. Oh. Here we go on. Well, Gareth just gave the story away.

Oh, sorry. Go on, Eric. I'll still get there. I'll still get there. But yes, sadly, mercifully, perhaps for our listeners, Dick did not show. After about an hour and 40 minutes. Eric was at that show. I was so excited. And I knew, you know, there was an emcee that was having some issues because he didn't bring the glasses and he couldn't read the raffle numbers. How old was the emcee?

There was a whole bunch going on, Gareth. I wish Dick and Arlene had met you because this is the kind of thing, this is a layup to MC, but God bless Stu. He did the best he could. We're an hour and 40 minutes in. Is this Patreon or is this regular? Regular. This is regular. Okay. It's airing today. But talk like it's Patreon. All right. Gotcha, Gareth. I'm going to do that because I truly love all three of you.

About an hour and 40 minutes in, they introduced the Fantastics, which I have seen on Instagram. The magic. Go on, Gareth. Gareth, your thoughts. Hold on. Shocked, horrified. It's all fluff. I mean, this man is 100 years old. To be an hour 40 into an event to see Dick Van Dyke, and he's not there, and as I've ruined, eventually doesn't show. And this is a make-up event for someone you've let down before? Yeah.

I mean, I would literally be like, Eric, look, I love you. I won't go to another thing with you. I'm mad at you now. I'm mad at you. Yeah. Next time we do dinner and you drive. Oh, yeah. Well, that's also part of the problem is I did drive and then an hour and 40 minutes in and I'd seen clips online of Dick Van Dyke finding this fountain of youth and dancing with this group of musicians and his wife at 99. Yeah.

And they introduced the Fantastics. And this childlike thrill comes through the room. And it's three musicians. And it's Arlene Van Dyke, Dick's wife. And she looks very somber. And then she says, well, I know this isn't the Van Dyke you wanted to see.

And then there's this kind of horrified pause and a gas because we've all driven to Malibu, Malibu High School. Like, this is a huff. Earlier, they played the game. How far did you come? There is someone there from Belgium. There is someone there from London to meet the great Dick Van Dyke at a high school. Yeah. At a high school auditorium. It was at the Dick and Arlene Van Dyke High School Auditorium in Malibu.

And then she says, Dick is not able to make it today. He's 99 watching on Veep. And we want to send messages to Dick. Vandy camp has always been about your talents. So we want to invite people from the audience to come up and sing.

and send messages to dick and then this is where i do feel it's got so much worse so fast they invited randos to sing yeah yeah and i felt guilty because i saw a couple like hollywood folks i saw tia carrera there and i saw instagram footage tia ended the show on stage singing to dick vandyke and i'm like she's a better person than i am what other celebs were there king

Put some more digits on the streets. Who else was at Vandy camp? I saw Tia Carrera, Doug Jones, and then amazingly, uh,

People just come up to be on stage. An actress from the movie A Family Affair, she's like, I want to come up, Stu. And she just came and was like, ladies and gentlemen, it's so-and-so from A Family Affair. And I'm like, people can just come from the audience that want to be on stage and do it. So then for me, I just started getting a little frustrated because I'm like, when did they know Dick wasn't showing? Because this is old hat for me.

me. Imagine going with... I see Geriatric Rockers. I get so many shows canceled. I get the option of a refund or move up. So when Merle Haggard kept canceling, I just kept moving up my tickets. And then the fourth time's a charm, he played and I was like, second row.

And I know I'm going to be a glutton for punishment here. I will try one more time for Vandy Camp. Oh, my God. Because this is what's keeping Dick alive, Arlene said. She wants to do a show a month until he's 100. And I'd be devastated if I miss seeing Dick Van Dyke. So I'm hoping she says he has good days and bad days. I probably will make the trek out there again. What else am I doing on a Saturday afternoon?

i'm just picturing my face if i was with you and you started saying i wonder when they knew that he wasn't gonna make it to me i'd be like buddy i don't give a what what this was a makeup event the last time we hung out a guy his pants twice on stage and you called it a rowing uh king

Thank you for joining this first ever type of show, which was just bullshitting on a Wednesday. So, Eric, Steve, where can people find you? Eric, why don't you go first? Eric will be at a senior center. Yeah, I'm going to go.

At Eric J. Edelstein on all things. I am Steve Berg. What am I doing? Where can people listen to this go? I want to see him and stuff. Yeah, Bergmaster 5000 on that stuff. And then I have a podcast called Hi, Strangeness. Available anywhere you get your podcast. Absolutely. Gentlemen, we love you guys. Thank you. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod. Hey there, we're Heretos. That's the new name we have for you. This is Gareth. Just reminding you, if you have not checked out my new podcast, next we have also a HeadGum production. Please do that. It is a show that just has a lot of good, quick-hitting segments that are funny, but

The show is just silly, goofy. It's a good time. I think people will like it. That's why it was named Time Magazine's Podcast of the Year. That's a lie. Don't look it up. But, you know, listen, we're here to help the best. So if you like this show, I think you might like my new podcast called Next We Have. Please give it a listen. And if you like it, you know, do all that stuff you got to do with podcasts. Appreciate it.