19: The T-Shirt in the Pool Club
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All right, and welcome to a new episode. Any idea what number we're at here, Jake, of Here to Help? Twenty-one.

It's pretty good. Is that correct, Kevin? 19. Oh, is that it? Okay. Okay, 19. That's still pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, here we go. We got to follow. We're back again. Yeah, we've got a couple great calls. We actually have... People might have seen that we had an article in the New York Times saying

sort of about the show, about the genesis of the show and our friendship. And we actually had the reporter sit in, Melina Delczyk. She sat in for a couple of the calls on that day. And we have a couple of calls from that session today. Now, what I want to say about that, which is really cool and I appreciate Melina, is that she just emailed the show directly and said she wanted to do a story on it and

And then we asked her if she would come on the show and she did. So Melina, we appreciate you reaching out and you joining us. You made the show more fun. So thank you. Yes. And if you haven't seen that article, you can go to, you know, there's a there's social media for the podcast. You can go find all that stuff.

What is our social media for the podcast really fast, Gareth? What's our handle? If you look up Here to Help, you're going to find it. That's Here to Help Pod. You're going to find it for sure. Something like that. Kevin, what is our Instagram handle? Do you remember? Here to Help Pod on Instagram and TikTok. Whoa, that's pretty close to what I said. Here to Help Pod, Instagram and TikTok. Yeah. Which also reminds me, Jake, we have merch. We've been rocking the hats, the Here to Help hats.

If you want any of that stuff, if you want to support the show, go to heretohelppod.com for hats and that stuff. And also continue to share. We appreciate it. We'll shut up about that, but it's really helpful. But now on to the show where we have a couple very, you know, as always, some bizarre problems we're trying to solve. And it's no stretch to say you're going to enjoy this episode. Ha ha ha.

Okay. Jake, you're not... Let's... Okay. Let's get out of the intro, my guy. I agree, bud. Hurry. I agree, bud. Okay.

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Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You're on with Jake and Gareth. Can I get your name and your age? And you can use a pseudonym if you want to. Sure. My name's Margo. I'm 33. Margo. And I'm calling from Texas.

Texas. Nice. Love it. You're on. And we're not going to lie. We also do have a special guest. We have Melina Delkic from the New York Times. So we might go to her if we need if we need some extra help. So but why don't you start? Great. Margo, we're trying to class it up. We're trying to get a little smarter over here. Yeah. We're trying to take this to another level. That's why. All right, Margo, take us away. What do we got?

Okay, so I have quite the moral predicament, I feel. My boss, Janine, and her husband, Jeff, own where I work, and without giving too many details, and they went on a European vacation for about three weeks. They just got back and are now both sick with COVID. But Janine and I really deal

deal with most of the time. Jeff is like semi-retired. And so she called in on a client call with me and another person. And it was an okay call, but she called me back afterwards and we kind of regrouped on it. And nothing was said that was really, nothing was new that I said on the, on the call that was just with me and Janine. It was just kind of regurgitating the same stuff that was spoken about on the client call. But then she pocket dialed me back and

And I heard her bitching about me to Jeff, her husband, basically saying, you know, like mocking me where one of the things that I said, I was like, yeah, you know, like with you out and another one of the team members out, like, you know, it's just a lot going on. I'm a little spread thin, you know, I heard her mocking me and was like, I'm so spread thin, like total like baby mocking voice.

And Jeff was like, that's ridiculous. That is, I mean, unbelievable. You need to confront her. I mean, what a brat. That is just unbelievable. Meanwhile, I'm the one that's holding up the whole thing while she's off. Margo, Margo, I don't want to hear. I'm holding up the whole thing. You little baby.

Sorry, sorry. I'm on team Janine right now. I'm on team Janine. I'm holding up the whole... Give her a binky, Garf. Am I out of line here? Yeah, absolutely out of line, Jake, as usual. So then keep us in it, Margo. So you're here, the pocket dial. Janine is mocking you. Jeff's getting furious about it. And then what happens? So I could stand it only for about like 40 seconds. And I hung up and I was just like...

Obviously did not know what to do. This was weeks ago, weeks ago at this point. I still have not seen Janine in person. What? She was in Europe for ages. Okay. And so I'm torn because obviously like we've all vented. We all vent all the time. And sometimes it's a little bit more aggressive and aggravated than really my

it might be like, maybe she was just blowing off steam. And obviously I wasn't supposed to hear it, but at the same time, I feel like, what the hell, man? Like, if you don't really like me or like what I do for this company, we need to have a conversation and I'm going to peace out. We got to make some other plans. So I'm torn between, do I bring this up with her in that, you know, kind of transparent way? And I would say we, well, I thought we had a fairly

fairly decent rapport. Um, you know, she's invited to my wedding. Like I thought we were, Oh, you guys are straight up friends. Yeah. We're straight up pals. Well, let me just, let me just start by saying this is a tough one. Yeah. Hearing somebody, but dial you and do a baby voice of you is it's hard to get past. It's not ideal. It's not ideal.

Here's my worst pitch. You want that first? Should we start at the bottom? Go to the top? I think so. Yeah. I'm pitching a pocket dial back. Fire the exact same shot across the bow. A pocket dial where you're talking to someone about the pocket dial. It's maybe a little meta. Walk us through that. Okay. Here's what you do. You dial Janine. You put the phone down. And I'm going to be Janine, so I'll answer. Okay. Great. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh, hey, Margo. It's Gene. I don't know. I'm just like, I am trying to find another job just because when I heard Janine say to Jeff that I'm like a baby and then Jeff exploded, like, I love him, but I just really don't understand what I'm supposed to do. You know? It's just... Oh, okay.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hello? No, no. All that was great until the end. All that was... No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I got off the rails. The end got the laugh, but I got to say, I thought you were dog shit, and I wanted to do that setup to bust you. I still think I'm dog shit. Keep going. No, I think that's a big win, Fat Air Paul. Come on. Stop calling me that. We don't know what this... Gareth, I was being too sweet, and we both know it. So here's Margo. I think what...

fat Aaron Paul was saying was really great. It's not a great thing to keep hearing, but go ahead, bud. Yeah, go ahead. You're the one who told me that. I never would have thought it. It was a mistake. It was a big mistake. So I think this is a really interesting, Margo. It just takes really big commitment. But if you can fake butt dial them, repeat what they said, and then make fun of back and then hang up, no.

Now you're even, you know, everybody says an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but it's also revenge. Am I right? It's also a fair society. So you're now saying you put this poison in my lap. I'm dropping it back off in yours. Let's see where we're at. Yeah, that's your that's your wild card option.

Now, when you're a wild, but more, but Gareth, Garth, before you go to something new, when we say that Margo, what's your first instinct when you hear that? There's no way I could act like I could actually do that. There's just no way. Yeah, no, I couldn't. Hold on. Can we hear Margo? But let's hear Margo. Cause when you did Janine's voice of you,

Who's pretty good. Can I hear your version of the call, Margo, the best you can? Jake, will you reprise Janine? Yeah, I'll be Janine. And Margo, I want you to try. Don't try to be funny. Try to actually butt dial and talk a little shit back. Okay? Okay, okay. Hey, this is Janine.

Yeah. And so, you know, I just don't, I just don't know. I mean, like, I'm really looking at my other options because after I heard what I heard on the butt dial, you know, I just think if I'm such a baby and such a brat, then maybe it's time to cut ties, you know, and whatever. I've done enough for this place. I got to move on. Then you hang up. Then move. Yeah. And then just click.

Hold on. That's scary. That's scary to do, though. OK, well, let me ask you this. What's scarier? Is it scarier to do that or is it scarier to have the hey, Janine, I know you. I heard what you did. But what's the winner that she's going to go like this? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Yes, you did. Motherfucker, you said here's here's the issue with the idea is that is that if a woman

She might not understand what's happening. And if she doesn't know about the previous butt dial, she does. And yeah, so then it then it feels like a attack kind of. It's then it then it sort of removes the status that you have of like you kind of fucked me over a little bit. It kind of removes that. So the other option is obviously just.

ignoring it, which you've been doing and has been driving you crazy or saying to her, yeah, ignoring it's not going to work. You're eating poison. Eventually it's going to kill you. Yeah. The third. So it's either the wild crazy card is the, the pocket dial two is the ignore and three, which isn't funny or fun is the confrontation.

Is the confrontation. I mean, we've all seen the show. We've all seen the show Cheaters, right? At a certain point. It's the Joey Greco moment. Greco's got to go there and say to the cheater,

We see you in this Bennigan's. Why did you do it? And it's ugly. And there's we illegally put cameras in your living room. We filmed you. Have you fornicated? By the way, how have they not gone? No, that is a lawsuit waiting. That is a real, real talk on the side. Joey Greco was stabbed on that show. And remember that flaming torch? Yeah, that that's a gig. So the third one is to bring it up. Where are you at with that, Margo?

I feel like so much time has passed, but like, obviously I don't want to add more fuel to the, I'm a brat situation and call her on vacation. I didn't want to call her on vacation and be like, Hey, let me ruin your vacation some more. So that's why I didn't do anything. And I've just been kind of sitting with it. But, um, at this point I'm feeling like if I bring it up, am I just bringing it up to make her feel bad? And like,

Does that make me feel vindicated? I don't know. Here's what you could do. You could come in with the approach of it's not so much that your feelings are hurt and you're pissed. It's more the content of what she said. It's like, you know, you could do the version. And again, this kind of

It takes maybe some of the teeth out of it of like, hey, something's been bothering me. And it's that you butt dialed me. And when you did, what you said was that you felt like maybe I was wrong.

Garrett, even in this example, what Jeff is going to say is, well, you put that in to hurt my feelings and do you value me? Maybe, but think about it. If I'm Jeff and Janine, I put a fucking bottle right in your mouth and I change your diaper, you little baby.

It's just more proof that Margo's a little baby. Well, but she has a leg to stand on here. I mean, they call they the butt dial bitch is a very is what it is now. I wonder also if you can. I don't want to say like look for another job, but if you have some idea of like something else in your back pocket,

That may be I mean, that's a crazy idea. Go find another job. I honestly here's I'm not saying you do it. This is what I would do. I don't care about the baby rhetoric. I would just say to her, this has been bothering me. This has been eating me up. I heard you and I didn't like it and I'm having a lot of trouble shaking it. I can work around it. Do you really feel that way about me? Because if you do, I would rather talk about it than just kind of let it eat at me.

So Margo, here's where we're at. You got a pocket dial, which I still think is really smart. You got an ignore it, which is probably what I would do. You got to bring it up and have the confrontation, which is what the Garth wants to do. What do you think you're going to do? Probably in my heart of hearts, probably confront her and just kind of do what Garth was saying of like, yeah, you know, I can't hear what I heard.

Sorry. You're combining Garf and Garrett. It's okay. Margo, you said it right. It's either Garf or Fat Aaron Paul. As long as it's not Fat Aaron. Nope. So I will say this, Margo. I think the confrontation is bold. We wish you luck. It's not going to be an easy one. Let us know. Let us know how this goes. I would be very curious to see how this wraps up. And good luck to you from Jake Johnson and the fattest Aaron Paul in the nation. All the best to you. There's Fetter Aaron Paul. Thank you.

Thanks, Margo. That's a shame that he ended it like that for everybody. Thanks a bunch. Bye. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller...

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Hello. Hi. How's it going? Welcome to. Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help You with Jake and Gareth. We're going to help you. That's going to happen. But first, can we get. And Gareth, a special guest. You want to bring in our special guest? All right. Go ahead. So from the New York Times, we have. No pressure on this call. Del checked. I screwed up the name. I screwed up the name. You were close. You say it. You say it. Del Kitsch. Welcome to the podcast.

Okay, so now we're back in, Garfield. Okay, so can we get your name or your pseudonym, and can we get your age? Yes, my name is Jamie, and I'm 32. Great start, and what can we help you with today? What are we trying to help? All right, so I've got a big problem with my marriage that I need help with. Okay. So we've been married for eight years, and we just had our first baby six

six months old. And so I'm a big mom. Am I the only one? Big congrats. That's huge, Jake. I'm waiting to hear what's going on. Thank you. I'm waiting to hear what's going on. The miracle of life is going on. Sorry. There's a lot of miracles. We got hundreds of millions of miracles every day. Let's hear what's happening here, Jake. Jamie, my hat's off to you. Well done. Jake, a little more callous, but continue, please. Thank you. No, I think mine's the best miracle. But anyway,

There we go. Literally, everybody says that. Literally, everybody says that. Jake, I think it's time. Jake, we're not going to sidecar into the baby debate. But I will say this really fast. Not all babies are cute. Go ahead, Jamie. Jamie, go ahead. We think yours is adorable. Please proceed.

I've been told my baby is beautiful, so I'll send you a picture. There we go. We'll be the judge of that. Jake. If you don't hear back, it's not good. So I'm a stay-at-home mom now. Okay. So I'm at home, and I've been introduced to my husband's morning routine. So he gets up early. He goes for a run, comes home, takes a shower. So pretty normal. Gets out of the shower, dries off.

And it doesn't put any clothes on, which, okay, maybe that's normal. I always put clothes on. But he then grabs his toothbrush and starts brushing his teeth. Still no clothes. And then he starts stretching.

While dressing in suits, while naked. And I grew up very modestly, like only one man in the house. My dad always had clothes on. Swimming, he had a T-shirt on. At home, always T-shirt shorts. Never saw him in his underwear. You know, just like, just a clothed man is what I'm used to. And so now my husband, naked, every morning. And where I lay in bed, I can see him.

Every morning I see this happening. And so our six month old gets up. My husband brings him to bed with me. And now my six month old is also watching his dad stretching naked, brushing his teeth. And I'm just like, it's weird. I'm like, yeah,

I'm scared that I'm scarring my baby because you know, anytime you see a naked parent like that's disturbing. I'm like, is my baby scarred for life? Is my husband going to teach my baby to do this? Jamie, I got a quick question. Jamie, I got to jump in. I got to ask a quick question here. What kind of what kind of stretches?

So he starts with like, I wish I knew names of stretches. Do they have names? Just walk us through what the body, not walk us through what that hunk's body is doing. Yeah, what are we looking at? Is he reaching to the stars? Is he touching his toes? He starts with like the hip stretch. Like you kind of lunge a little bit.

Don't love a naked man lunging right off the bat, but let's see if this develops. I don't hate it because you got to keep the hips loose, and that's a fact. Yeah, yeah, you could do it in boxers for sure. But okay, so naked lunges were, I guess, mixed. And then he moves on to the quad stretch, I guess. You lift up your foot and you hold it. That's fine. He's like stretching your quad. He's never done touching his toes. But is he doing like a squat? No.

No, I've never seen a flat. Are you seeing front or back when he's doing this? I'm seeing the back. The back. Not the best, not what I would hope to hear, to be honest. That's not great. I got another question. Jamie, I got another question for you. Has this morning routine of stretching naked, did this start when the baby was born? Because you said you were with him for eight years.

Right. So like I was a kindergarten teacher before, so I was always awake before him. So I never saw this routine until now. Jamie, Jamie, I got to call bullshit a little bit while you're dating this man and you wake up on a Saturday. You're not teaching kindergarten every morning. Well, we didn't live together until we got married.

Oh, one of those crude couples, you know, where you wait. So was he, so was he more conservative with how he lived his life around you until recently? And now that you're home,

He's not holding back because guess what? He's a man in his own house. He's got to be himself too. So this is real. You have not seen this side of him since you had a baby? Not the naked bathroom thing, but every time he comes home from work, in the living room, he'll just take off clothes, leave underwear on, but he just doesn't want to wear clothes. So we're not just talking about a morning routine that's maybe incongruent with yours. We're talking about a pretty much at-home nudist. No, he wears underpants.

Yeah, he's got his underpants on. Oh, okay. My daughter said to me once, she said, the second you get home, Daddy, you take your pants off. And I said, that's not accurate. And we walked in the house, and as we walked in, I took my pants off. And she said, see? And I go, yeah. So I think what this is, Jamie, is...

What are we calling your husband, by the way, just so we know? Jordan, his real name. Okay, respect. You got a fake name. He's Jordan. You're going to give us his last name and where he works. Oh, right. I respect you, Jamie. So here's what I think. I think your dad was a little bit tight.

The take putting a shirt on in a pool, the T-shirt pool as a former chubby child. Let me just say the T-shirt, a.k.a. Fat Aaron Paul. Listen, we're trying to move away from that title, obviously, like that's out there now, but we're trying to move away. But.

But that was like a cover of like, you know, when I was a fat kid, I would be like, I would put a shirt on in the pool and be like, I got sunburned. It was like there was like the sunburn club in the shallow end and seven chubby kids lying about a sunburn they didn't get. So I understand it. But I think Jake's right. Like, we are definitely leaning in a direction where swimming in a T-shirt is like, was your dad very fair skinned or was he just. Or did he have or did he have tits? He's a modest man.

He was a modest man. He just liked that feeling of drowning in the pool. Gareth is right. There's always a group of men who put shirts on, and they're all chubby, and they all talk about- I got to watch my moles. My dermatologist said I got to really pay attention to some of these moles. Otherwise, my shirt will be off. I love my body. As a guy who goes up and down in weight, there's just times I go like, I got to put a rash guard on.

Yes. And then if I'm going through a workout phase, I'm like, it's vitamin D. Let this hit this. Totally. Yes. There's times where you're that's like what I'll do with stand up is like there's times I'm like this shirt shows off my arms. And then there's other times I'm like, if I wear four cloaks, maybe no one could see how fat I am right now from the road.

But what we're saying is basically like you were definitely raised maybe on one end of the spectrum. And I don't know how crazy this is. I guess this is one of the downsides to like not living together before this. Let me ask you this. How's his body? Good question. I find him very attractive. You like his body. You like his body, but you like some layers. Let me ask you another question. How's your dad's body when you were growing up? Chubby, huh?

Dad let it go, huh? No, he's fairly thin.

He's a runner. Okay, so here's what I kind of think. I don't think that you have a problem right now in terms of scarring your kid one bit, but I do think you got a problem on the horizon, Jamie. And I'm going to tell you what I think that problem is. I don't think you love the idea of seeing a man bending over in front of you in the morning. And I think what's happening is your baby's going to learn from him, and soon you're going to have two naked men stretching in your bedroom. Okay.

Because when that little baby grows up after watching his dad doing squats with no underpants on for 12 years, he's going to go, you know, my quads and my hammies are tight to rip those underpants off little guy and do some stretches. And then you're going to be in a world of trouble. So I don't think I don't think Jordan's doing anything wrong, but I do think he's teaching a lesson that I'm not sure you want taught.

Yeah, I think that would be the thing. It's a it's a hard one to correct. I definitely I'm trying to put myself in Jordan's position. If someone said to me, hey, when you're doing your nude naked morning stretches, I'm worried about how that's going to affect our kid. And I'm going to be like, what? Don't put it on. What's going on here? Like it. It's difficult. I don't think I think it's definitely one of those things where it's like,

You know, I mean, there's bigger problems. Can you shut him into a room when he's doing his little stretches? Can you sort of close the door? Is that possible?

There is no door. It's like our bathroom has that sink room with no door and then the toilets in a room kind of thing. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be I don't mean to architectural digest, but we're not talking about a open toilet in the. No, the toilet has a door, but the sinks are open. Otherwise, have you have you brought this up to him?

I have not. I had to come to you guys first. I think you're, by the way, I think your instincts are dead, right? I think you are dead, right? But here's what I think what Gareth is going is interesting.

I think that there's a world you could bring it up to him and say, is there a way we can figure out a little privacy? Because there's nothing wrong with having like a privacy screen. Because I will say, I don't mind taking layers of clothes off. I know my wife doesn't want to see me lift up one leg with no underpants on. And I don't think anybody on planet Earth ever wants to see anybody else except for like 3% of true perverts.

The rest of us, there's just areas of the human body. We don't need to see it certain angles. Yes. And I think it's fair to say, I'm just seeing some angles of you that I don't think your partner needs to see to which he could say, I hear that. Go ahead, Garth. Pardon the pun, but I'm going to buttress what you're going for. And I'm going to say we can kind of have an entry point through a gift. When is his birthday? January. January?

Oh, I hear what you mean. Wasn't that? OK, so I think whatever holiday we're celebrating in December or January, how about an entry point of a bathrobe, a robe, a robe that sort of is like, hey, I just think for, you know, walking around. I mean, you know, nothing. And then see what that does. See if that maybe kind of gives you the the on ramp to.

Well, I just think like in the morning, you know, it might you could even do a his and her robe, you know, something like that where you're like, we're robe people and just sort of see what that does. I like where you're going with the gift. I think you could do a robe. I think you could also do a screen.

You could get those like, you know what I'm talking about, Garf? Those like Japanese style screens that look cool too, but you can fold them up. It's the, pardon me while I slip into something more comfortable. Exactly. That kind of screen.

So we got to jump off. We got our next caller on. But, Jamie, we're going to say this. The kind of advice we're given is the idea of getting him a gift, either a bathrobe or some sort of a screen. What do you think you're going to do here? What's your move? I mean, I'm kind of disappointed I have to buy something, but...

Well, or just lean in or just lean in. Or you could just show him a picture. Show him. Oh, wait a second. I've got an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea. I got a third idea. Fourth quarter. I think this is going to win because she did not like the idea of purchasing something. Very opposed. Jamie, here's your move. And I'm going to need you to be a fucking gangster to pull this off.

Okay. Next time he's doing these stretches, rip off your clothes and do the same ones. Wow. And I'm going to tell you, no, Gareth, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. In a movie, you're going to think, dude, he's going to be psyched. And the whole idea of like a woman takes off her shirt and her husband can't help himself. In reality, if she's doing like a super gross squat in front from the wrong angle, he's going to go like,

Jamie, what are you doing? And she's going to go, just like you, I woke up, I'm a little gassy and I'm stretching in front of you. But the downside of this, what if he's like, we're the stretchers. Like he could be like, babe, finally, you know what I mean? There is, you are playing with a little bit of fire. All right, go ahead Garth. Well, I mean,

I mean, I think you could go to it. I mean, look, I think in my head I'm talking I'm picturing like, you know, some macrame robe, but you could hit up the Salvation Army and just get some kind of shady hospital robe or something and just see what that does. What about getting him as a joke gift? Little funny thong underpants like American. And then don't even say anything. Just throw them at him.

Well, if you're going to put on a show, honey, do it right. And he goes, yeah, what is this? An American flag with a little string up your butt, buddy. Yeah, you're going to do it. Do it right. Jamie, any of this? What do you think? Maybe. What do you think? Maybe something here. I want to throw underpants at him and see what that does.

I'll tell you, sometimes we come in late with the winner, but we got one. Yeah, but hold on before we go, just because this is a really classy call with a classy ending. Melina, anything from the New York Times point of view on this one? I think you guys really have that one covered. I loved your suggestion. We have it covered and he doesn't, but we'll do what we can.

Jamie, thank you for the call. I hope you throw underpants at him and I hope you fix his problem before you have an army of kids stretching naked in front of you. Yep. Nobody wants that. Thank you for the call. Thank you, Jamie. Bye. It's tough. The backside of a man is not a winner.

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That was a HeadGum Podcast.