21: Getting to the Bottom of It
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All right. Okay, here we go.

All right. Let me just... Okay, because you insist we play the intro. This is what you're doing. Now, you just insisted that Kevin play the intro for the show. Live. Live. Which every time you've done it before that, there's been something in there like, you're listening to We're Here to Help with Fat Ginger Baby or whatever the hell you want to call me. And...

This time you insisted on having it played, and there's nothing. And the reason you did that, Jake, is because you're just setting it up so that the next time when you sneak one in that has one of those things in it, I'll be thrown a little bit. I know exactly what you're laying the foundation for, BS. Can I say something, Gareth? Yeah, jump in, bud. It's your show, too. Welcome to Weird Al. Go ahead, Jake.

I love you, man. Love you too, buddy. You're a good friend. You've been a good friend for a long time. You're a great guy. You're a great guy. And I'm happy doing this with you. We got a great episode today. Great episode today. Yeah, solving problems again. We have a very unique issue at a vet's office. Really fun call. And then we got a follow-up.

And then we got a follow up, which we do plan on doing maybe a follow up follow up. But this is this is the follow up to the first call. And and that first episode, if you want context, was episode. What'd you say it was? It was episode six. It was Zoe Dashanel's episode where she came in and crushed it. But it's the second call on that.

So we recommend if you want, uh, listen to episode six first or not. You can catch up pretty quickly on this, but we've got, uh, the husband calls it. Yeah. The other, the other side, I mean, I got to solve that side. And, um, actually before we even start, I know we want to get to the show, but, uh,

There is a thing, Jake, that I was wondering, and I could sort of explain what's going on after you do this, but Kevin, can you give Jake a copy? Jake, can you read this? Just kind of treat it like a voiceover. You know, I've only begun this year to read emails because emails are, they scare me. It says CC and there are a thousand names. Who are these people? You know what I mean?

I'm saying, wait a minute. Is this a personal email? What does that mean? Okay, great. The reason why is because there was a clip

that went viral this week of amazing director Martin Scorsese. He said that. And people found a lot of similarity between his read of that and you. Is this real? Yeah, Jake. So, Kevin, will you play the clip of this is Scorsese saying it. And people thought this sounded like a Jake. You know, I've only begun this year to read emails.

Those emails are, they scare me. It says CC and there are a thousand names. Who are these people? You know what I mean? I'm saying, wait a minute. This is like, is this a personal email? What does that mean? So that's, so a lot of people thought that sounded like, the person said, the person said, this is spoken with the same intonation and cadence as everything Jake Johnson's character says on New Girl. Incredible. That is so good.

By the way, he's right. It's so good. We just real quick. We should also say, please continue to share, like, review. The show really helps us. And thanks to everyone who's buying the merch. Yeah, we've got merch. So, you know, the website, you know, the website, Kevin, what's the website here to help pod dot com. What is a website? Where do these people go to websites?

I should say, I'm going to be in Australia on tour. There's not a lot of tickets left. You can go to garethreynolds.com. I thought you said there were tons of tickets left. No, there's not. We're running out. And then Jake has a new movie out called Killers of the Flower Moon. So go check that out too. But until then, enjoy this fantastic episode of the best podcast in the world.

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at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Hello. Welcome to We're Here to Help, where we try to help. You have Jake, you have Gareth, and we have a guest who may jump in, may not, but she's a reporter for the New York Times named Melina Delkic. But let's start with you. What is your name? What is your age? And you are more than welcome to use a fake name.

Oh, sure. We're going to go with my name is Kathleen. I'm 44 and I'm calling hopefully with a problem that you guys can help me with. So the same goal.

Yeah. All right. So basically, I'm a veterinarian. I work in the Northeast, we'll say Northeast US. And I just recently bought this practice. I've been working here as an associate for a few years now. The staff is really good. All the staff came with me. So everybody's happy with the transition. But we have some things we're trying to fix now that I'm in charge. And one of them being that we've got this assistant that...

She's an older woman. She's from Germany. She has a harsh demeanor. And she's definitely a good worker and a great team member. But we have a little problem where literally every time she bends over, we see her whole ass. So it's pretty much...

It's pretty much like... I didn't see that ending. I didn't see... Kathleen, I thought we were going for she's too harsh on the younger generation. I thought we were going for she scares the animals. I did not expect to see the old assistant's ass in this call. Yeah. Amazing. It's like, oh my God. It's like, how do you not feel that? Like, oh my God. So it's a big problem. She's wearing a very short...

Well, we're all we're all. Hold on. I'm sorry, Kathleen, just because I know Gareth. Don't turn this into a fucking creep fest. You pervert. It's not a creep fest. I'm being the vet. I'm being the vet here. No, I mean, this is Gareth. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. You're trying to get. She's a masturbator. No, no, no, I am not. No, this is about the bottom. And we're trying to get away from the bottom. But Kathleen, how wait, what did you say she is wearing?

So she's wearing, like, we're all wearing scrubs. You know, we're at, you know, we're a vet hospital. So we're wearing. Let me ask Gareth's next question. Yeah. Does she have stockings on? Stockings? What is, is her hair in pigtails or ponytail or how, how is her hair? Wait, but are you not logistically confused? No.

No. And I'll tell you why I'm not logistically confused. Kathleen, I know you're not. You don't need to jump in with me. I'll tell you why I'm not confused. This is real talk. If I reached over and touched my toes, the top of my ass is hanging out.

Oh, you mean bottom. Okay. Sorry. I'm thinking. No, no, no, no. I'm thinking we're seven year itching under there. No, no. Okay. This is the top. She's just showing. It's a, it's a, uh, what we used to call a plumber's crack. Yeah. It's until the plumbers, the whole crack. We also part plumbers rights. Yes. Okay. And you're seeing a little bit. It's a whole story. She's showing. Yeah. I was.

yes, I was telling my husband, I was like, this is what happened. He's like, I, it can't be that bad. It can't be that bad. And I was like, Oh, you wait. I was like, I will send you a picture on solicited, no caption one of these days. And you'll see. And there was one day she was bending over and I, you know, I'm not good at taking on the fly pictures, but I was like, well, I'm sticking with her. And my assistant, my other assistant saw me. She's like, I know exactly what you were doing. I was like, Oh, what are you? Yeah. Could you send Kevin that photo? Yeah. Can we see it? Oh,

Oh, I don't know if I have it. Let me start looking. Yes, you do. Look in your husband's text and then go to the little button where it's saved images. Listen to Sprint customer service over here. Hey, my name is Jake. I'm with Sprint. So what you're going to want to do here, Kathleen, if you're trying to get the buff photo. Kathleen, let's just take the quickest route on this one. Why don't you just go to the text of your husband, click info, and then go to media? Let me just do that real quick. So here's where I'm going to start this advice at.

This is a non-starter in terms of a conversation bringer. You cannot say to an older German woman,

When you bend over, dear, I'm seeing 60% of your ass. I don't agree. Go ahead. I'm saying I think this is a this is a move on. You see it when something falls to the ground. Everybody look in the other direction. I think this is what I'm going to do. Is she is she I mean, is she ever out where the people who are bringing their animals in? OK, so that's the problem. That's the problem. We're like, yeah, go ahead.

This is not you didn't do anything. You don't even have a problem with this. But in today's the world we live in today, that level of a reveal is

has bothered two of the customers, two of the people who've come in distraught over their animals. They've still been able to split their focus and complain about the amount of ass that they're seeing. So you, on behalf of the business, you don't care. What do you care? It's just a little ass. You're fine with it. But on behalf of the business itself,

You need her to make sure that either her scrubs are up a little bit higher or if she wants, you can work to figure out a better situation so that that's not happening because it's distracting and it's a bother to some of the people who come in. And can I just add a couple of things in response to that? The previous manager told me they have tried several of these tactics.

before. They've tried ordering her larger scrubs. She says they're too big and wants them sent back. She's tried telling them that

And that, yeah, she's tried telling them that clients have complained. The other manager even went as far as to squirt water into the crack when she bends over. Well, this other manager is obviously a fun prankster anyone would want around the office. But I don't know how great that is to do. That is as good as it gets. When she bends over, squirting water in the crack. And if that doesn't change her. She knows that this is an issue. Does she know really? Has anyone ever given her this? I think she was.

Well, I don't think aside from straight out coming out and be like, hey, your ass is hanging out like water in her butt cheeks. I think it's wild. She knows. I think it's wild. Obviously, I would go I would go the route of we're getting some complaints. I mean, that's always to me the best way to sort of let me jump in and try to take us on a little right turn. Melina, what do you think here? Let's get the New York Times back.

point of view of this would you guys as the new york times spray a water in her butt cheeks as she bent over what do you say here i well well i can't speak for the institution sure personally i guess i personally would probably not take that pact um i i like the i like the person who attempted to buy the the bigger scrub i mean it's like you're doing everything you can yes um

And yeah, like has anyone brought it up to straightforwardly to her? Oh, straightforward. Like coming out and be like, Hey, we can see your butt. Like, no, I don't think anybody's done that yet. Cause we're all trying to be like,

sensitive, even though she is very, as you said, German, very straightforward, like harsh usually. So maybe not subtlety won't is lost on her sometimes. I think so. So Kathleen, here's kind of where we're at. You've got the, the look away approach, which is kind of what I like. And that's just, you guys have an inside joke. You see a German's butt when she bends over, let it be fun, but it's a problem with the customers. Gareth had pretty good ideas of saying, well,

Bring it up from the customer's point of view. The problem is that has happened. They've done that in the past. It didn't work. The idea of bringing up bigger scrubs was brought up, but that didn't work. Melina said, be straightforward and just say like, this is an issue. What do you think you're going to do here? Where are you at?

I think I'm gonna see like, I'm going to retry this scrub tactic. We're trying a different brand and I'm like touting like, Oh, it's elastic waist. So you don't have to do the cinching yourself with the drawstring. So I'm gonna see how that goes. So hopefully we'll have some things there. I think that's smart because you're the new owner, correct?

Yeah. Yeah. So you determined the outfit and then everybody's got to wear it. And it's not only bigger scrubs, but it's a shirt that goes down to the knees. Yeah. That's not bad. And it's funky, but that's not bad when shopping. I am. I am. I just got to say it is amazing.

To have your ass be such a problem that there's going to be a new uniform ordered. Like that is really a lot of ass. Yeah. But but if you're going to do it, I think Jake's right. Get that sort of like a long T-shirt, you know, kind of nightgown vibe. And and hopefully that'll do it. And then if it's still showing, then I would go the approach of, hey, this has got to stop.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, maybe a combination of the Molina or the customer pitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Well, hopefully, yeah, hopefully that's their new scrubs. We'll do it. Hopefully. Before we say goodbye, Kevin, is the photo available? Oh, yeah.

Garrett, walk us through what we're looking at. Okay, well, what we're looking at is full-on plumber crack, but let me tell you what maybe less of the ass is showing, but without being too graphic, what I really don't like about this situation is the... It seems like she has taut-ish butt cheeks, so I feel like from where you're at...

There's a potential to see the extreme no, no part. Agreed. I think there is real potential to, we're not even talking about a cheek issue. I'm talking about, this is a bigger problem than I imagined. This, there's, there's, there's a whole issue here. And I don't mean whole issue. I mean, an H O L E. So for those who we're not going to post this, cause we don't want to offend this woman, but it is a, uh, a,

a woman bending over in scrubs and you realistically see 30% of her butt. And Gareth is not wrong. There is space in the middle where from the wrong view, you might see some things that would be a crime to show a customer. Definitely. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, if you're a vet and you're like, I can't look at this, we have a problem. So I think now in seeing this Kathleen, uh,

this woman's aggressive. This is like telling a story. Like this is as if you actually have like an old school flasher and a trench coat and saying like, should you talk to him? This woman's a weirdo. There's so much air hitting her butt. She knows it. Yeah. I thought you meant more like there was a little crack.

This woman likes showing you guys her butt. And she likes that when it gets sprayed with water, she goes, I'm not doing anything about it. Oh, what was that all about? Yeah. No, this looks like the wall just came down in Berlin. There is...

A big divide here. This is you need to, if I'm you now, I give one big advice and that is big uniforms, a shirt that goes down to her knees. And if she doesn't like it, you say tough shit.

We're covering up that big ass of yours because I'm running a business here. Yeah. Oh, OK. Great. Yeah. Well, I'm definitely going to I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes. But yeah, no, we've got to listen. It's time for curtains. I mean, we're seeing too much of the stage. Absolutely. Or if she does it again, just throw dollar bills at her.

Yeah. Yeah. Or the next the next thing you do is you basically order Van Helsing cloaks. And that's what the uniform is. And, you know, it works going to suck. It's going to get a lot hotter, but we're not showing full on. Yeah. I mean, we got all backstage there. So Kathleen, thank you for the call. We appreciate it. Thank you. Have a good one, guys. All right. Bye bye.

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Good morning. Good morning. Great energy. Can we say that? Good morning to you. You're on the podcast. You've got Jake. You've got Gareth. And we actually have a special guest. We have a reporter from The New York Times. Melina Delkic is with us, but might jump in, might not. But no pressure on you. Who are you? How old are you? And what can we do to help you? Excellent. All right.

Yeah, my name is Josh, 34, a couple weeks ago. Congrats. I live in Arizona. I have a wife, three kids, one son, and twin daughters. And the advice I needed is my wife and I, we talked about after the twins, we didn't want to run the risk of having twins again.

So we talked about getting, you know, both of us snipped. She got hers done during the C-section. And then I was supposed to do it after that. Wait a second, Josh. We know you. I think we're... Do we know you? You don't know me personally, but I know your wife. We know your lore. You took 45 seconds of the best moments of your life on the kitchen floor after you got a big job. Is that correct?

That is exactly right. So, Josh, just just for people, we would encourage people to maybe go listen to your wife's call. But essentially, just to run it back quickly, your wife feels like she there's the potential for more children, which she doesn't want. Or maybe both of you don't want. Well, no, the wife said that they had a deal and that they were going to get snipped. Yes, she got you work. He didn't because you were getting nuclear power.

Yeah, yes, sir. There we go. And you gave your wife a fantastic 30 to 45 seconds on the floor, ended up having twins. The deal was there were going to be two ribbon cuttings. She was going to take care of her fertility, and then you were going to get a vasectomy. And she got hers, as you said, done during the C-section. And as far as we know...

you've not been hot wired. You're still because you don't want to pay down there. Yes. Is that right? Still all connected. You're still all connected. And so Josh, take over a little bit and tell us from your point of view, how we're in this moment here.

Well, yeah. So after she went on your guys' podcast and told this wonderful story, the first thing we noticed is she, in her nervousness maybe, just divulged way too much information about me. To us. Yes. Okay. So I think she had...

I think three or four fire acquaintances, people from high school and other jobs that contacted her, you know, if it was her on that podcast, you know, unprompted. You know, I've just got to say real quick sidebar, Josh, just for our egos. Fantastic reach for a show. I mean, to have four different people anecdotally communicate, that just makes us feel good about our numbers.

But yeah, the same thing. A bunch of people at my house found out. I think maybe one person. Word of mouth spread like wildfire. Oh boy. So yeah, I emailed in.

that won the chance to defend myself. I think that sounds fair. So Josh, we are on the team of the caller always, right? So when the first one came in, we were on the team of your wife. Now we're on the team of you. So how can we help my friend? And sorry if we sold you up and down the river on that first call. It's a shame. Well, the main big thing is how do I deal now with my wife and I are kind of

pranksters with each other and stuff. And so she...

humiliated me on a very popular podcast. So now I got to find a way to get her back. Boy, I'll tell you, what a ride we've taken with you two. Now, did she take any of our advice that we gave her? Because I remember we gave her a number of ideas. Yeah, we said withhold sex. Was that what she did? She withheld sex? She made it a day and a half.

And then she needed more of the 45 second. Wait, hold on. Let me ask you guys a question or at least make a comment about you guys. You got twin girls and a son and you guys can only go in a day and a half without sex. Pretty good. My friend, this is not humiliated to your extended group of friends. Yes. That extended group of friends is jealous. I would definitely agree. Yeah.

I got to tell you, most people with three are not going, we can go a day and a half and then we fuck on the kitchen floor again. And let me say that there should be no shame in a short session if you're pulling them off a couple times a day. I mean, we're talking QM here. Like you think most people during the week, maybe they get five minutes. You're putting up six, seven, eight minutes, Josh. That's right. Thank you. I appreciate that. And so we're looking to get revenge, right? That's right.

Absolutely. Well, I mean, look, in terms of getting revenge, look, I think this follow up is even shorter. I don't think this is a revenge call. I think this is a victory tour for Josh. His wife called in and said, you bug her for sex. And then she gives in. Here's, I guess, my question that could be the revenge tour. Is sex on the kitchen floor? Is it the best 45 seconds of your life? Because she claims it was.

Your statement, sir. It was especially for a, Hey, I gotta, I gotta leave for work here. Yeah. I'm going to do a twist here. Are you going to get snipped Josh? Oh, uh, absolutely. Uh, yeah. And what's holding you back? Is it the pain? Cause on the first call we were talking that it's the pain game. Is that what it is?

Honestly, I'm a little anxious about it, but with work is extremely busy and then the time that I have off, the kids are still pretty needy. Yeah, you don't have the window. Exactly. As far as I know, it can be a pretty quick procedure. So I'm going – I'll take your revenge bait. Let's party. Okay.

We will, if you want to go this way, we can withhold the release of this episode for a while.

I think you tell her that you had the call with us and that we said we stood by our ground. We said what we said last time. As much as we feel bad that your friends and your circle have sort of heard about this, we still think that you have to get snipped. You feel that pressure. We said we want an update in two weeks. You've made an appointment. You're going to go do it on your lunch break or something like that.

You come home and you have a couple of oranges in your pants and you say it went bad. It was one of those ones. You said the doctor literally said, I've never seen that before. And now you're in extreme pain. You can even call her and say, this is what you were worried about. You're kind of hyped up over it. Come back. You look like you've got some you maybe buy a bag of ice.

OK, come in. Say the doctor said that you've got to go in the next day and then every couple days after that to get checkups. Really play it up. Play up the pain. Let's heighten this, Gareth. Go, babe. So what we know about you two guys is you guys like to fuck each other.

Right. That's the big theme of this love story is you guys have great sex on floors. Yep. She's pushing you to do this thing. You've agreed, but you got work and the kids and it's a lot and you don't think you're going to get pregnant because she's already been snipped. So here's what I say you do. I think you do Gareth's prank. But then I think you call and say, like, there's been a disaster with this thing and my dick doesn't get hard anymore.

Something went wrong and my sex drive is way down. And then when she tries to get you on the floor, you go like, it's just not there, honey.

And let her think, oh, my God, something changed. And I pushed him into this. Yeah. Garrett, is that crazy? I think it's good. I think that is I think you can I'm even looking up some stuff here. And I think you can just you can play it up. I mean, how whatever you want to do. I think I even mentioned this on her call. I don't know if it's an episode, but I was at a comedy show talking to a guy who had a bad vasectomy.

And he said it was a nightmare. Now, I think you still follow through and get the vasectomy, but I would really play up, play that up. And I think to what I think Jake's got the right pitch. Josh, where are you at with this? When we talk about this idea of pretending that the thing went bad, there's complications. You're in a lot of pain. The doctor said it's normal. And then the doctor also said there is a chance of way lowered sex drive.

And the truth is, it's just happening to you. And then she'll go like, you want the best 45 seconds of your life? And you go, you mean hanging out with my kids? And she'll go like, no, with me. And you go, it's really wild. I love you like my best friend now.

Yeah. It's a good thing we've got this foundation of friendship. You lean into a marriage is about friendship. It's not about passion and start acting differently. Go ahead, Garth. I also think maybe before the reveal...

And the reveal, by the way, if you do want to go swollen, and if you did want to play that up, you could pull the oranges out as like a, oh my God. But what you could do right before the reveal is just say out the window dramatically, I wish you'd never called that damn podcast. Yeah, that could be like the final stab right there. Yeah. The reveal. So Josh, realistically, because your wife...

called in and in terms of taking our advice, it only lasted a day, right?

So do you think you're going to actually pull a prank back? Or is this call partly just to say, I want to reveal some stuff about her so those callers can get my side of it. Get your name back. And Josh, take a victory tour and put your crown on. And God bless you guys for having three kids, making a relationship work, and being an inspiration to a lot of the people listening who go like, I want to have sex on the kitchen floor with my partner. Floor banging. Floor banging is a very specific. It's incredible.

It's a very specific time. Okay. That is a very specific place. And the fact that you're getting there. Yes. So what do you think? Where are you at? I'll be honest. I think that's great. Like I said, it would be real fun. I couldn't let her go for too long. She'd be. Yeah. Yeah.

After the CF, it doesn't take much for her to break down. But that is... And we just want to say from over here, we appreciate both you guys. You guys have been great callers and we're jealous of your relationship. Absolutely. I am a man with a cat. That's all I have. All the best to you, Josh. Thanks, Josh. Good luck. Thanks.

HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.