23: Moms Have Needs Too
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And Gareth Reynolds, who also goes by Fat Aaron Paul in social situations. Gareth, I didn't know that one. So now you don't even know about him? Kevin, come on. Did I know about that? No.

Don't direct to me. Dustin is now sending directly. Yeah, we've eliminated Jake, who a lot of people have accused of being the architect. Yes. Which maybe we should just address very quickly because you're now considered mean Jake Johnson. Yeah. Because I'm fat Aaron Paul. But people have expressed an email and messages to us directly to stop with the...

The who feel as if Garrett ribbing being bullied. Yes. I'm this show. And I am. No. What I would say is that if these things, if the things that you hear, you think bother me or Jake, me, Federer, Paul or Jake, you would not hear them. We would cut them. You would just if I was bothered by these things. Exactly right. They would not be in the episode. We it's all in good fun. We have been making fun of each other.

For 20 years, 20 years. And I got to say, I think it's some of my favorite part of our friendship. The texts I will get from Gareth that kill me are the hardest. I laugh. I could easily just start calling Jake like a deeply troubled, degenerate Oscar Isaac.

Like that's low hanging fruit. You know what I mean? You could do that or call you like a young, a young, a young, a young, but somehow run down Joe Pesci. Like how are you young and run down? You know, or even like if I were to call Jake a shady David Krumholz.

There's just stuff you could do. And I, you know, I could easily do it. Like, that's what our friendship. I'm going to tell you, Gareth, right now, Dustin's like, pass, pass. Yeah. Or I could call you the Jonas Brothers justifiably disowned uncle. I could call you chubby fake Jake. It would all work. Oh, no, I'm chubby fake Jake. Chubby fake Jake. I'm too fat for Jake. C-F-J. C-F-J.

But I'm just saying it's OK. Don't worry. Yeah. Gareth is no victim. Believe me. We have a great episode. I guess you could say the episode deals with love. This is an interesting one. So this was a caller called in about something that we didn't believe, or at least I did. Yes. You sniffed it out. I thought it was early on when we first started recording. And then she followed up with us with proof.

So you'll see it ends and starts over. So we appreciate everything. We appreciate the support. Remember, helpfulpod at gmail.com if you have a problem or question. And our Australian fans, the Garf Man is dropping onto your land. Gareth, where are you going to be? I'll be in all the big ones. Melbourne, Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, and Perth. And you can go to garethreynolds.com. And I'm not kidding. These all might sell out. So jump on board and...

And without further ado. Enjoy the show.

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You are on with Jake and Gareth. Awesome. How are y'all today? Doing good? Yeah. Solving problems, fixing issues, and no culpability if we fail. It's pretty good. I mean, that's perfect. By the way, write that down. That might be the tagline. Kevin, will you remember that? That's pretty good. Do you mind if we ask you your first name? It's Alicia. Alicia. How you doing, Alicia? Yeah.

I'm doing good today. And where are you from, Alicia? I'm from Texas, Austin, Texas. Sure. I was just down in Austin. What a fun city. Yes, for sure. And then how old are you, Alicia? I am 21. You're 21. So Alicia from Texas, you're from 21. And what made you decide to email the podcast? And what can we try to help you with today? So a couple of weeks ago now, I was on a podcast.

I brought a boy home for the first time. I've never done that before. In fact, my parents thought I might swing the other way for most of my life. And so it's a big deal to bring this guy home. So you live with your parents? No. Oh, you brought a guy you're seeing to meet your parents? Yes, for the first time ever. Oh, okay. That makes more. I thought you meant brought somebody home for the evening.

Oh no. Okay. That's what I thought too. So you brought a boy home to meet the parents first time? Yeah. Okay.

Yes. And I was actually very nervous because my parents are not very friendly people. And we went out to dinner and everything was going really well. I was actually very amazed that they were behaving themselves and everybody was getting along very well. And on the way home, we're all talking, we're carrying on the conversation. And I'm sitting in the back seat on the passenger side, like behind my mom, who's in the passenger seat.

And I noticed that she's kind of holding her phone like in a weird way. And I'm nosy. So I, I like peeked over and I saw the top banner on the screen that only fans. Whoa. I was like, what? No parents knew about that. That was my thought. Exactly right there. And, uh, I, I dug a little deeper cause I couldn't help myself. And I noticed she was sending this,

this this guy and he was sending he was sending her pictures she was sending him pictures she was texting him stuff and what was blowing my mind was we're talking about like why you don't order a steak medium well and she's texting some guy about how wet she is and i'm like what is going on right now wow let me try to pick this one apart and i hope you defend it

Okay. Your mother is the only fan account or she's on some guy's only fan? Is she the model or is she the customer? My life would lead me to believe that she is the customer in this situation. Okay, I got you. But you're not positive. You just saw the back and forths. No, as soon as I read the first text, I was like, I don't want to know that. And I probably sat back down. Respect. But then you said you saw them sending photos back and forth?

Yes, I try not to look too closely, but I don't think I'll ever get those out of my head. And what were the photos? Yeah. From what I could see, the first one started with him sending her a dick picture. Oh, my God.

Right? Yeah, my married mother. They've been married, I think, 30 years now. Well, that explains it. And then what was mom sending back? Was it just stuff from her phone roll? Yeah. Yeah.

From what I could tell, just because I don't want to use any other word in the sentence as my mother with her undercarriage. Wow. Oh, so you watch. The main event. Yes. Okay. The big show. So you're sitting in the back seat. And what's the seating arrangement? Is dad driving?

Dad is driving. My mom's in the passenger seat. I'm in the back behind her. And then my boyfriend's behind my dad. Oh, I understand now. And so you could see over the shoulder. Yes. Okay. That is such a wild...

It clearly this situation must be a little out of control because if she's doing it in that environment, she's she's. Yeah. So Alicia, can I just ask for real? Because I mean, hell, we're not even premiering this yet. We're just three individuals talking and some weird guy named Kevin listening, our producer, just because I want to ask you this very real. This is there's not a live audience. This section could get cut out. Is this actually real?

Yes. You swear? I swear. Then this is the wildest shit we have heard on this podcast. Thank you. Thank you for the validation because I've told everybody in my friend group and they all say the same thing. They say say BS right now. I can't. What's your friend's overall take on this?

They all want me to use it as blackmail. Okay, interesting. Oh, my Lord. I wouldn't do that. I would also advise that maybe a new friend group while we're just dishing out advice. You might want to – the peers might – you might want to do a switch on it. Well, here's the other kicker of this situation is that they're not helping me pay for college, which I'm struggling with right now. And I keep asking my mother just to, like, help out with small things like groceries.

And she's been telling me for the past couple months, there's just no way. Alicia, hold on, hold on. 100%, I'm going to advise you away from blackmail before we even get started. But it's frustrating that she has OnlyFans money. I know, but as a 20-year-old.

Yes, but listen, as a 21-year-old kid, you're going to have to be in a relationship with these people for a long time. I promise you don't want to start blackmail at 21. There's going to be a day you're 40 or in your 30s, you might have kids and need them to babysit and you don't want your mom to go, oh yeah, how much?

I just, I promise you I wouldn't go there. I wouldn't go there. That's like an early, early forties type of thing right there. Yeah. But Alicia, I'm going to tell you, there's, there's still a lot to uncover on this one. Can I, can I ask you questions and I need you to be vague, but specific so that this doesn't get back to your mom, but we're trying to get a picture of who is your mom.

Perfect. How old is she? What's her backstory? Oh, gosh. Okay. She's 42. She grew up in a really small town for most of her life. And she met my dad when they were... And they're like late 20s. So like 27, 28. Wow. And they...

And they dated for a while from, so when growing up, the stories they told me were like, you know, peaches, love, rainbows, all that stuff. And then like, as you get older, you start to learn the real like nitty gritty backstory, you know? And from what I could tell, they have a pretty one-sided relationship. Like my dad really, really loved my mom, but I think she just kind of married him in sort of a panic, if that makes sense.

So how old was your mom when she had you? She was 29. She was 29 and she's 42 now? Yes. Alicia, your math is funky. No? Is it? Yeah. That would mean your mother was 11 or 12. Let me see.

Alicia. Wait. Or 13. Alicia, please tell me this story's real. I don't want to hang up. No, we didn't. I love the OnlyFans. But how did you... I promise you. How old is your... Your mother's 42. Did she have you at 19? This is a big... It's just a big error. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. She was born in 1972.

Do I just have her age wrong? You have her age wrong, yes. She's 49. Right. See, I think we're just proving how bad of a daughter I am because I don't even know her age. I mean, you're way off.

But like a lot. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know how dads like don't keep track of their daughter's ages. I'm like that with my parents. I think it's just a risk. So here's Alicia. Here's my here's my kind of advice to you on this one. I think you're in a really hilarious and awkward situation. I would say if your mom is having some fun on some only fans and you saw it.

I would pleasantly look the other direction and let mom and dad do what mom and dad are going to do. And I would have great laughs with your boyfriend and your friends. And who knows, maybe your parents are swingers. Maybe your dad's part of it too. Maybe they're wild, way wilder than you expect, but for sure, no blackmail and just enjoy the fact that your mom's getting some great sensations at this stage of her life.

Okay. Yeah, that's what my advice would be too. Alicia, thank you for the call. Thank you all for your advice. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye.

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So wait, what's your name again? Alicia. Okay, and just walk us through briefly what happened last time, if that's okay, the last time you called. Yeah, so last time I called, I was very, very tired after a long week of work, and I was also insanely nervous because I've never been on a podcast before ever, and so I was just out of it, and I guess in my head, my mom was...

We just stayed at the same age that like she tells you when you're a kid. And so I've always in my head, she's just been 42 to me. Anytime anybody asks us what I say is the first time I've ever been called out was when I called in and they were like, that math's not adding up. And I thought about it. I was like, Oh, you're, you're definitely right. So you called us with a problem. Uh, we were dubious. Uh, when we asked for your mother's age, the math was horrendously off.

And it led us to believe that it led us. You are actually our first call that we call bullshit on. And really, yeah. But it turns out that you weren't bullshitting. You were just tired. So can you maybe restate the problem just so so we have that?

For sure. So a couple months ago, I went home and I brought my boyfriend who I've been seeing for about a month to meet my parents for the first time. And I'd never brought any boys home before. So it was a very special occasion for me. And we went out, we had a nice steak dinner. Everybody was having a good time. And on the way back home, I noticed that my mom was like holding her phone a little strange. And I'm Snoopy. So I went and I looked over her shoulder and I saw that she was texting somebody on OnlyFans.

And I was just flabbergasted because this is my mother in a car with my dad and my boyfriend and me. And she's texting some guy lewd pictures and messages on OnlyFans. And I was, you know, a little freaked out by that. Yeah.

And your dad was driving, correct? And your mother is sitting shotgun and you're behind your mother and you're getting an over the shoulder view of an explicit OnlyFans, I'll put it politely, genital exchange.

Yes. First of all, Alicia, this is Jake. I do want to apologize. Kevin sent us the photo you sent of the screen grab you took of your mother's fans only or only fans. I was a big believer that you were bullshitting us.

uh if you if you still are god bless you i have a lot of respect you're really putting in the work and no matter what i respect you at this point but at this point i'm i'm a full believer and i apologize for doubting you what you are going through is really weird yeah i think that's part of it is that the it is it is a crazy issue and

So now that we know it's real, now we can try to see what we can do. Now, can I ask a couple of questions, Alicia? Of course. Do you think there's any world that your dad knows about this? No. And we're actually, so the story of how that picture came to be is even crazier. We went back last week to just talk to them and visit with them again. And it happened again in the car on the way back from a restaurant. And I was like,

You know what? If nothing else, I'm going to take a picture and just send it to you guys because I know how much y'all wanted it to be true. Yes. If nothing else, at least they can see that this is a real thing and they can have that in their head. So you don't live with your family. You've been around your mom twice because you're in college, I remember. And both times after dinner, she's sexting with some random guy. Your mother is addicted to this guy.

Oh, your mom is deep in it. Yes. Yeah. And my boyfriend's super upset because he's like, why did you bring me in on this? I don't want to have this information now. And I was like, I don't want to have it either, man. You're on my team. That's all I got. Yeah. So this is obviously a really bizarre situation.

A situation that we here at the podcast like a lot. First of all, I just want to say before we get into it, I'm a big fan of your mom. I'm a big fan of that guy she's working for. And also, if dad's a little bit of a creep, God bless mom, dad, and hunk.

uh kevin our producer refers to himself as the hunk of this podcast so in this example gareth and i are the dad you're your mom and kevin our producer is the uh only fans guy yeah the lurid picture mike his name is mike that sounds like me that sounds like me but here's easy kevin here's my question to you alicia

Okay. We now buy your premise. We're into it. We're on your team. What is it we can help you? I just want to know, because like I said in the past, it's very hard to sit in that situation. Because I still have to talk to my dad. He calls me pretty much weekly. And he's like, oh, mom's doing better this week. And it's just like taking everything in me not to...

Yeah. It's heartbreaking to hear him talk and be like, she, she was so happy this weekend. And I'm like, it's probably not you're doing. Yeah. And like, it's just horrible. And then like, she'll call me and be like, why, why aren't you talking to me? I'm like, Oh, like I want to tell him, but I know it's going to blow up my family. I don't, I don't want to do that. No, this is such a difficult one. So Garth really quick one on you. Uh, I come from a, uh, cue the sad music, uh, a broken home. So I did not see. Yeah. That's what I figured. So we're,

We're going to be offering some weird takes on this because neither of us ever tried to quote unquote save the family. Yeah. But my first instinct is you're an adult. You're over 18. I don't I don't think you blow this up. I don't think you blow up mom's spot here.

Like, yeah, now. Now, look, if this was partly if you're like, as I'm watching her send vagina photos to this guy, I'm also watching her empty my dad and mom's bank account. Then I'm thinking we're in a dangerous and that might be happening. That's a great question. Just just for context. Do you know how much you have no clue how much this OnlyFans is per month, do you?

I don't, but I do know that like my dad makes most of the money in the family and she's always telling him that there's no money to go around. And that's what hurts me is because she does the books for the family. So obviously like she's doing something on him. Yeah. That he can't go out and do anything fun. But meanwhile, she's spending it on only grand subscriptions. So she, this could get interesting. She might be, uh, I watch a lot of catfish. Who doesn't? Sure. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

But a lot of that turns into you're sending pics, you're sending pics. They're having trouble with rent. I love you. You're sending money. Do you think your mom's a little bit of a sucker?

At this point, like, based on the context of their relationship, I'd say probably. Because if he's giving her the attention that she perceives that she needs, I could see her definitely, like, bending and being like, oh, yeah. Because for a while, her car was missing. And they said they loaned it out to a friend. Her car was missing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We are. She got car fished? Well, like, she said she lent it to her friend, but her friend was only supposed to have it for a week. And it was gone for, like, a month.

And my dad was like, this is just weird to me. I was like, yeah, this is weird. Why are you letting him do that? Honest. This is wild. Alicia, can you walk us through a situation? Is there any world you could confront your mom on this one-on-one? That's where I'm going. That's what I'm thinking because I don't know what else to do because she's obviously getting upset that I won't talk to her. But I don't know how to with this information. It's impossible. But I'm worried...

I'm sure. I like, I'm sure. I just can't find any time. Cause when I am there, which is only for a couple hours at a time, my dad's always with us. You could do it on the phone. Yeah. I don't think you necessarily need to be there. I mean, the, the look, this is one of the tougher calls we've had just because you are right in the middle. I mean, there is a lot going on. The fact that your father is sort of seeking you out as emotional support and

And he doesn't know what's going on. And you know what's going on. And it's fucking crazy. Your Honor, can I jump in? Are you wearing one glove? Yeah. What's happening? You should not give anyone advice. For those of you just listening, Jake is wearing one cycle glove and absolutely should be listened to by nobody.

Nobody. Your Honor, can I get a word in here, please? Is it about the other glove, sir? No, I don't know where it is. But I am cleaning out an area of my drawer and I just found this. And so I'm wearing one glove. I would just, Alicia, take it with a grain of salt. He's got one fingerless glove on like an orphan.

So here's what I will say. We are starting to go in the direction of this is such a sad, hard situation you're in. And I just realized it's not Alicia. We don't know if she's being hustled. All we know is your fucking dear old mom is getting her rocks off with some weird guy online. And guess what? There's a way to look at this that it's really sad and it's really traumatic. There's another way of looking at it where you go, go mom.

When was the last time your dad said, hey, honey, let's go to a motel and fuck like strangers? Maybe not for 10 years. And when was the last time your dad said, let me send a dick pic to my wife? Right? You laugh at that because it's never happening. Well, guess what? She wants it. Yeah. Your mother's a horny old goat and she wants it. All right, you one-glove pervert.

This is what I would say. And Jake, I feel like you're wearing one fingerless glove. You're a wild card right now. So you jump in after this. But here's my advice to you, Alicia. I don't think you need to go home for this. I think it's time to unburden yourself. I would just say to your mom, look,

I know you're fucking on OnlyFans. And I don't mean, I'm not laughing at you. It's just absurd. But I know that I've seen what you're doing on OnlyFans. And all I can tell you is I don't want to be in the middle of this anymore. So you need to figure it out. But hold on, she's not in the middle of it. She eavesdropped.

And guess what? The mom is not saying no, but she didn't. The mom is not saying. And Garfield, you know, like when I did that podcast with, you know, you and your mom, you felt the vibe between me and your mom. Stop it now. Stop it now. Alicia, that is so off topic. I did a thing during the pandemic with my mother. Her name is Pam called Pandemics. Jake was a guest. And for some reason, he just kept flirting with my mother. It was unbelievable.

That's not how I would phrase it. I am not the mic. I am not the mic on this, but what I will say, Alicia is what that, what that podcast taught me. And what this call is teaching me is moms have needs too.

Okay. Listen, he has one glove on it. It has no fingers on it. What do you think that's? Which becomes a creepier detail as we unfurl. So here's my kind of thought, you know, and it was very similar with Garfield's mom. The sexual energy that she was throwing my way on that. Sweet God. For me was too much. Yes. Is she attractive? Very. And I told him so much.

Yes, was there a little fun banter? What I told Gareth, yes, but it was professional. We were doing a charming podcast together and part of it was she and I were both feeling a fire in our loins. I want you to stop asking questions that you answer. That's what I want. Fair. So here's what I'm going to say to you, Alicia.

Your mother is creeping out a little bit. Is it ideal? No. Have we entered a zone? I don't know why I'm in the question response thing, but I can't stop right now. But are we in a zone where it's affecting your family? I don't think so. Do you think so, Alicia?

I think I'm doing a pretty good job at deflecting it. I just don't know how long that's going to last, but I'm willing to like, just go with the flow. And if it comes up, it comes up. But if your dad found out about this, is that the end of the marriage?

I've been talking about this a lot with my boyfriend because he's the only other person that knows about this. And he thinks that like where they are, just like real world standards as far as like they're both mid-40s. Neither one of them is in like great shape and they've been so intertwined for like 20 plus years. Wait a second, did you say mid-40s? Oh.

Oh, so these are young people. These are young. Their bodies are probably still pretty good. I wouldn't call them old people. We did the math again. We got to do the math again. Hold on. My mom's 52. We fixed that. She's 52. My dad, I believe, is 59.

Okay, okay, okay. They're a little bit older. Okay. Just as a guy in his mid-40s, 59 in his mid-40s is very different. Nothing. It's nothing. I was being generous. I was being generous. Respect, respect, respect, respect. So they, what you and your boyfriend have kind of come to is that it wouldn't necessarily be the end for them, but it wouldn't be a pleasant thing.

Yeah. And I think that they just like if they did separate, my dad would fall to pieces. I can't go take care of him. And my mom, she might be okay, but she's going to struggle too. And it would just be a bad. So he's like, just let them sit in it. And if it comes up and it blows up, then it's fine. But it shouldn't be.

me that does it because then I'll never forgive myself if something goes wrong. I think for sure, a hundred percent, I wouldn't have your dad find out about this. I think that what Gareth is leaning towards might be the best idea. And that is finding a way to bring it up to your mom, but I would be very careful not to do it confrontationally. Yes. And I would be very careful to do it without judgment because the truth is, is you don't know the whole story and you don't know where she's at.

I agree. I think it is one of those things where you want to make sure she understands that your goal is not to let your dad find out. You're not trying to do anything like that. If it wasn't OnlyFans, like if she was just, you know, dong Googling on the drive home from steaks, that would be one thing. But there is a financial component, which kind of makes it even more bizarre. But I've got a real question before you do that, Gareth, and please remember where you're at. And this is my question to you, Gareth, and I mean this seriously.

And don't just get mad at me the way that you- Well, if you're going to bring my month, if it's a movie about Utah- It's not about me and your mom, but it is a question about you and your mom. Okay, that's fine. So I know how close you are with Pam, right? Yes.

If you and Pam were together and you saw on her phone, she sent a picture of her genitalia to some guy I only fan. It's really. Hold on. Hold on. All right. She, you know, she's a beautiful woman. People would like to see that. Get to the point as soon as possible. And some guy was writing back. Would you feel like you had to say to your very attractive mom? Jake.

I want you to stop being on OnlyFans even though you really enjoy this. Or what would you? Because I'll tell you this, my mom, if she were on OnlyFans, you know what I would do? I'd buy her a bottle of champagne. I'm excited she's having those feelings. Of course. She's a woman in her late 70s. Have a party. The difference, and your mother, I have not, I mean, I'm very attracted to your mother. I've not ever met her in person or done a podcast with her, but obviously your mother is gorgeous and I'm into her as well, just so you know. I can hook that up and I will call you dad.

Well, this is not happening anymore. Keep going. Okay. The difference is we've got the father in this position. That's the difference. If this was your mother just dipping into the world of OnlyFans like a wild woman, let her go and enjoy herself. That's true. Your father's the tough part. And the fact that your father is actually struggling with the relationship makes it all the tougher. I think...

Jake's advice, your boyfriend's advice, I do not disagree with. But I think if at any point you feel like it's getting harder for you to manage or it's potentially careening further out of control because it already feels like it's out of control.

I mean, she's checking penises out on the drive. I mean, that's shocking. That's when you get home or just wait. Yeah, agreed. She wants to get a serial killer putting skulls in the window. Yeah, it's just like she wants to get caught. So so I think you are within your rights to say to her mother cone of silence.

I've seen you doing what you're doing. No way. No way. No way. I don't like it. I don't think you should do it anymore. But again, I don't even know what the upside is to that. Neither do I. Alicia, what about something like this? Because I was with Gareth until he, do you refer to your mom as mother, as Pam mother?

I don't really care to answer, but I call her mom. M-U-M. That's the British term. Yeah. Stop. So sound. No. So I liked everything about the idea of you confronting her besides saying, you know, mom, I know what you're doing on OnlyFans. I don't like that. What I would maybe do in a somewhat playful way is go, hey, mom, you ever heard of OnlyFans?

And then she will do the caught in a corner routine where she'll go, no, well, and I'll go, because, you know, a lot of those are scams, mom.

And a lot of what they do is they pretend to be attracted to certain people to get money. And I go, you know, I just hear about it a lot at school. And it's a big thing happening that a lot of married women are getting caught up with people on OnlyFans and they're pretending to be in a relationship. And they're essentially using them and they're destroying their lives.

And then your mom will give you like, it'll be a long, awkward pause. And then you can go like, but I just wanted to bring that up. Everything else good. And now the stomach ache is back in her corner. And you've, you've let her know, you know, but she doesn't have to, you don't want to have her have to have another secret or blah, blah, blah. Just drop the seed. You know, she knows only fans is kind of creepy. Yeah.

You don't know what you're getting into, mom. Just be careful. And then I think you got to wash your hands.

I like it. I think that's pretty good. You do? There's no guilt on anybody. Nope. Except it just transfers it, yeah. Is that what you're leaning towards? Is that what you think you're going to do just so we can put a finer point on it? Probably. I probably, I don't know if I can call her because I don't know how good of an actress I am, but I might, I'll probably like one of our text talks or something, bring it up. Text talk. By the way, a text talk is perfect. Yeah. Will you keep us updated?

Absolutely, I will. And thank you for pushing and proving us wrong and calling back. We appreciate your fight and your drive. And you are in a tough situation, but you're also in a funny situation. And don't forget that.

Yeah. And just to point out, there's no website called Only Pam's. Don't laugh at that, Kevin. It'll only encourage more. Well, Alicia, we really thank you a lot and we wish you the best. And yeah, like Jake said, keep us posted. Absolutely. Thank you all so much. Thanks for the call.

HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.