24: Suffer in a Nice Way with Johnny Bananas
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It's nice to play it live, isn't it? We have Russian roulette at the intro. We have fully Russian roulette at the intro. I never know what's in the chamber. Same with me. Now I'm tense. Now I'm tense. You're tense. We got a really fun episode for...

Myself and Gareth, somebody we're both big fans of. We are big, and we have been big fans for a long time, and we discovered we were both fans of this person when I saw you on a MTV retrospective on The Challenge. With my friend Dan Callahan, yeah. Yeah, on The Challenge, which we've just both loved forever. So we have Johnny Bananas, who is a staple of those shows. And I got to say, Johnny comes onto this podcast and just crushes it.

It's a great one. Yeah, it's a load of fun. Johnny also talks some challenge stuff. So if you're a challenger, stay tuned. And if you're not, then I hope you just like this podcast. He also has a show that apparently is doing amazing called House of Villains on E! Thursday nights at 10 p.m.

I guess it's E's biggest show in about three years. And I'm not surprised because Bananas is television gold. Yes, which is why we love him. And he's podcast gold too, it turns out. He's podcast gold. And then he's opening a gym called Rumble in Boca, Florida. So it's a boxing gym. It's a place to get cardio. So if you're in Boca, go visit Mr. Bananas. And we have another call on this one that's really funny about a babysitter situation that takes a turn that

I would say the Garf Man and I were both surprised by. I think it's really, what it is is it's a testimonial for just never hiring outside help, I think is what it is. I think that's true for that. And so without further ado, are you ready with the without or you got more ado? I mean, just keep supporting us. We love it. We feed off it. It's great. Follow us on all this stuff. If you have a problem, send it in. What do you mean by feed off it? Come on, Jake. Without further ado.

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Hello. Hi, how are you? Welcome to the show. Hi, thank you. Can I get your name, please? My name is Kirby. Kirby. Kirby. Kirby, you are on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and probably the only person on television...

who I'm a fan of and have watched for over 18 years. Same. From the challenge, Mr. Johnny Bananas. Oh my gosh, cool. Hi guys, how are you doing? What's up, Kirby? Not much. I'm going to go out on a limb here, Kirby, and say you've never watched the challenge before. I have. A long, long, long time ago, yes. Okay, good. Good. We'll take it. Not your cup of tea anymore. Yeah, dip back in every now and then. Well, I kind of aged out.

I mean, now you're making fun of Gareth and I because we have not talked. Now you're shooting shots at Jake and I. That's not okay, Kirby. No, you know what, Kirby? The better explanation is you hate the new generation. They're unwatchable, as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar called them. They are a throbbing scrum of fame-hungry desperados. No!

Johnny, I love that you remember the quote from Kareem. It was my favorite quote ever, other than him calling me an overgrown man child. But yes, then he said he hates the new generation because they are a throbbing scrum of fame-hungry desperado. I knew that. Oh,

Hey, John, in terms of an overgrown man child, dear friend, in every review of any project I've ever done, the critic has put that phrase in. Kirby, where are you from? I'm from Wilmington, North Carolina. North Carolina. Great. And around how old are you?

40. 40. So you have not aged out of the challenge, young lady. You're a child. We're the same age. You're a kid. I thought you were going to say 65 years old. Come on, Kirby. Get back over here. Well, I'm a North Carolina 40, not a California 40. I feel like there's a difference, right? All right, Kirby. What can we do to help you? You got three shooters.

Okay, great. So my husband is a big fan of like survivalist shows like Alone or Naked and Afraid. Like he will watch that like every Sunday, even reruns. Right. And so he has a big birthday coming up, his 40th birthday. And I was wondering, is it a bad idea if for his birthday, I just ditched him out in the woods and let him have his own little survivalist experience? Oh, I love this.

wow you are wow jake said you got three shooters there's a fourth shooter holy shit what are you even calling us for you're just you're just calling us we give you the stamp of approval in case this guy disappears yeah and never is found you have accomplices so you're not alone in this yeah exactly i definitely need some backup and maybe how to execute such a thing because like have you seen blair witch project

Of course, yeah. Do it like that. Kirby, I got to say, I think this is the first time I have instantly fallen in love with a collar. It's awesome. The idea for your husband's birthday, he's like, are you going to throw me a surprise party at the local bar? And you go like this, put your blindfolds on. He's going to go, ooh, is this getting sexy? And then you're going to drop him off in the woods and go figure it out, motherfucker. Now, wait, okay, real quick.

Now, Kirby, do you think, because I like those shows too. Same. Love those shows. I love Alone. One of my favorite things about watching Naked and Afraid is having clothes on and being able to eat during that. For sure. Naked and Afraid's a lot of fun. Naked and Afraid's great when you're like, oh man, this guy's getting his dick pinched by weird bugs and I'm sitting here with a blanket.

Do you think he's going to? I mean, it's a big swing and I love it. And we're here to help you. So we support your vision. Do you think he's going to be into this?

It could go either way. Okay. Here's, here is the one hiccup. Okay. He said what he wanted to do for his birthday was go on a cruise. But guys, no, that's not going to happen. Can I ask you a question, Kirby? Listen, let me tell you something from, from me and someone from reality TV. Okay. It's all about regardless of how ridiculous the situation is and the moment and what people think of you in the moment, it's all about the story after.

Okay. There's been so many times I've done things. I stole $275,000 from my partner on top of a mountain in Argentina. What a moment. Who probably deserved it to be stolen, but also deserve the money. And you know what? I did it more than anything. Cause I knew it was going to be a good TV because I knew in five, 10 years, had I split the money, we wouldn't be talking about it. But if I took the 275, guess what? It's still talked about this day. It's one of the greatest moments on reality TV. So if you take your husband on a cruise,

How forgettable is that experience? That's splitting money. Okay. That's splitting money. If you take your husband out and here's how I think you should do it. All right. I don't know what vehicle we're going to take out there. It's got to be some sort of off-road vehicle. You can really get out there. Okay. And you blindfold them, you get out, you're like, honey, strip down. I want to get naked. I'm, you know, this is going to be real. I'm gonna make this really special for you. So we're almost combining naked and afraid and this,

He's going to think like, oh, I'm going to get lucky. It's my 40th birthday. Then you sneak on and he's blindfolded and naked. You get in whatever the vehicle is and you just take off and leave him there. Say in 15 minutes, take your blindfold off and you'll see what's going to happen. And then he's stranded in the woods by himself. It's all right. Hold on. Johnny, you're jumping crazy town fast. We might end up there, but first I need to, just because I'm sitting, I'm sitting with you, Johnny, and I see you on my computer screen.

And I watched the money steal from Sarah and I've seen all the clips and I agree. It's one of the greatest moments of the show. Kirby, I'm sorry, but I'm going to fan out here. After you took the money, when it all finishes, she's crying on that mountaintop. What happens after that in terms of production?

Because like the moment and cut, everybody's freaking out. Well, realistically, the TV ends and you guys probably had to go to a hotel together. Was there a van ride? I've never felt more alone in my entire life than I did when I was standing there. TJ looked at me like a disappointed father. Okay. He didn't like it. He was so upset. Everyone on production, there was 70 maybe producers, like production, camera people, whatever. The crew.

They all looked at me. I remember there was one of the producers. He was had a clipboard. Cause they were wondering what my move was going to be. He had a pen in his mouth. It was almost like one of those moments where like, it was so quiet and the pen just fell out, landed on his clipboard. And at first I'm sitting there looking around like, yeah, guys, I knew you wanted me to do this. This was the best moment. They, it was like, they wanted me to do it, but never thought I had it in me to do it. The only person on that mountain,

That supported this move was my cousin, Vince. He kind of looked over and gave me like a wink and a nod, but it was the loneliest dude, the loneliest walk. No one, I just won, won the season and nobody wanted to talk to me. Nobody wanted to be around me. Yeah. The most awkward bus ride back. So yeah, Kirby, I'm going to pull that back to you. Thank you for that bananas. Kirby, here's what we're afraid of.

The taking your husband in the woods, because I take these calls seriously as if it's real and you're really going to do it. There's two ways this happens. It's either going to end up great or you're going to be bananas on the top of that mountain and your husband's going to be TJ. There's no Cousin Vince. No, and there's no Cousin Vince, but your husband is now that producer and TJ Lavin and you don't want him mad because one thing TJ hates is quitters. Exactly. Thank you, Jay.

But here's what I will say. Like, I could give him an easy out. Like, I have a phone maybe. Say, hey, if you leave one thing, be like, hey, I'm going to leave one thing with your cell phone. Be like, or something. So you'll be able to, or GPS. Be like, listen, if this gets too much for you and you don't want to do it anymore, open, or there's going to be a box in front of you when you, when you take your blindfold off. That's the move. Yeah. Okay. So here's what I do. First of all, it's not naked.

Second of all, you've got to be a good part of the pitch. It's I mean, look, the naked is incredible, but he's not a naked and afraid fan. He's well, I mean, his friend and I just don't want to get like charges on him. Yeah, we haven't carved out an area of property where the police know. Hey, come on. It's Kirby's husband's birthday. They're gonna be like, hey, there's a naked guy out there just sucking leaves.

Arrest this pervert. Agreed. And if there's a family camping and your poor hungry husband walks up naked, he's going to jail. Can I have some of your honey? If I'm camping with my kids and a naked guy walks up to me, I'm not asking if he's a survivalist. You don't understand. It's my 40th birthday. And imagine if he comes across a group of hunters. They're just shooting his ass.

So we need to think, we need to think about this. Now, Kirby, let me ask you a real question before we continue to dive deep. How real is this to you? If we come up with something, are you going to actually do it? Do you live by woods? Are you by woods anywhere? Is there something you could, is there something you could do like, like locally? There's campgrounds. And I do know some people with like hunting property that I've been thinking about. That's huge. Okay. That's big. Well, we're gonna have to put them in an orange jacket then.

Yep. Part of his survival kit has to be an unwearned jacket, just so we don't... But also, you could, if you talk to the people... I would say, Gareth, no to the antlers. We're going to douse him with deer pee also before he... Jake, you'll pick up in a second, but what we're saying is cover him in fur, get him an antlered hat, and maybe some sort of snouty... like a snout scarf. Go ahead, Jake. I would say that's not what we're pitching here. We're all saying the same thing. Go ahead, Jake.

Yeah, I think we're saying different things here, Kirby. I would say we don't want him to look like an animal on hunting grounds unless you're looking to get rid of your house. I got to pitch Kirby. And because it's a bold one and you can't really force a man into a survivalist moment, because I do think you might have that situation that Johnny had on top of that mountain. And there is a chance that leads to divorce. But here's what you can do.

You could talk to the person who owns the hunting property and see if you could rent 24 hours on a random time from start to finish where nobody's hunting.

Then if they say yes to that, you could find an area where he starts and you could see that there is a chance he could catch something. If he's a lone type guy, he could bring a fucking bow and an arrow or whatever he wants to do. And then you could either do 24 or 48 hours and you could present it to him about a month before his birthday in a card with an offer. And do you accept this challenge that you have set up?

You have an option A or B on the backside of the card is, or a boring ass cruise, you 70 year old, retiring maniac. Or are you a 40 year old survivalist whose wife is never gonna be more turned on when you come out of those goddamn woods.

Holding a deer by its goddamn ass. Feces smeared on your face so that the hunters can't find you. Kirby, you got to give him the option to say yes, but it's your job to plan it.

it. Bananas, Gareth, am I right? Where are you guys at? Yeah, I love it. I love it too, but I don't think she should tell him what it is. I don't think she should be like, hey, do you want the... Have you seen the movie The Game? Yes. Yeah. Okay. I think it would be like a game situation. Like this could, this is going to be the coolest experience of your life, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. So you're either going to take the red pill or

where you're going to see how far Alice in Wonderland's hold goes, or you're going to, you know, take the blue pill and everything's going to be normal. You're going to go on a cruise. I hope he's a red pill guy. And then don't tell me exactly what it is. Interesting. I like all of it. I think that's a good wrinkle. This is the other thing. Does he have any survival experience or he just as a guy from the couch? No, he's just a fat guy with asthma, Gareth. Okay. I have been giving him survivalist tools like,

Slowly just for him to play with So you could potentially do like some sort of a scavenger hunt You could have like a scavenger hunt Type thing too where it's like okay you have this first Box in front of you and also like an escape room situation Where then he opens a box and it's like alright here's Your first little you know

and you know if your next thing you have to hike or you have to do something dig something build a hut whatever and then you're johnny you're essentially creating a finale in the challenge exactly that's basically what i'd pick listen for dinner you're gonna put here's what you're gonna give him two options okay you're gonna give him uh cow brains or cow balls and he has to eat one of the two or both if he's a man of many tastes what are you thinking here pal

I would add in the scab. The thing that I would, I'm just thinking if someone dropped me off in the woods, I'd be like, how do I eat? How do I get warm? So water is important to me. You're not a survivalist. You're not a survivalist. I'm not. I'm a guy on my couch who's having a 40th birthday who wanted to go on a cruise. That's who I am. Okay. So, so this is what I would suggest. You can lay out around this property. If you do arrange this properly,

There's a fire starter. There's something he can cook. It's a little how Bear Grylls does like some of his stuff where he's like, oh, suddenly I found a caucus. Well, I can eat the piss out of it. You know, whatever it is. I would stash some water, just things that make it so that it is a faux. It's still not going to be a picnic.

you know, but we do have to think about a sleeping bag, some idea for some sort of like shelter if we're doing overnight, a way to start a little bit of a fire, stuff like that. So I would just build in that component of, and on Naked and Afraid, they give you a little map. Yeah.

They're like, this is where you have to give you a bag, three things you could bring. But hold on. But do we want him? I was almost leaving me a scavenger hunt. Don't we just want him to be in a, a certain space? Like don't leave this space. You have to survive. Or do we actually want him to navigate his way out of this situation? Kirby, what's the answer on that? Do you want him to escape out of it? Or do you want him to stay in one spot and survive it? I want him to like, kind of suffer a little bit. Yeah, I guess. I kind of, I kind of want to stay in one spot.

I wish, Kirby, I wish you could have seen Jake's face process what you just said. Shocking. It rocked him. It rocked him. It really did rock him. Your husband's 40th. In a nice way. No, Kirby, you can't spin bullshit. I want to waterboard him with cotton candy. I really thought what you were going to say is something gentle. You said, I want him to suffer.

Okay, but you guys don't understand. He watches these shows all the time, and there's like, they were the attitude of, oh, I can do that. I can do that. Yeah, I can do that. But here's the thing. He's on Mosquito Bite, and he's like crying. Let me ask you a question. Why is this a turn on? Is this hunting, are these hunting grounds? Is there like a main cabin or a main lodge or something? Yeah, they have like a little like shed building.

Oh, a shed building. I was just wondering. I'm trying to think. So it's not like the Dutton Ranch on Yellowstone. Because I'm thinking maybe the end is he's been surviving for 24 hours. Then he shows up. There's like rose petals. And then you're just like laying there. Oh, that's fun. Okay. So Kirby. I like that too. So from what I'm kind of gathering from you is you're a little sick of his bragging.

And you're a little sick of him. And I get it. You know, I've watched those shows. And when they first started and I was younger, I used to think I could do them. Gareth, Steve Bergen, I used to talk about doing a 24 hour thing together, which obviously we never did. Whenever I watch Naked and Afraid, I always thought about how funny it would be for my survival item to be my clothes. Go ahead, Jake. So Kirby, here's what I'm hearing. You want him to do on his 40th birthday to be tested.

We're kind of pitching this idea of a scavenger hunt, but I don't know if you're interested in him leaving as opposed to just seeing what 48 hours in one spot could do. So you got to take the lead here because we're pitching you. Do you want him to leave an area or do you want him to be on this hunting ground? You create a little zone. I think Garf is totally right. You need to leave a fire starter. You got to give him a little bag. You got to get him the option to have some stuff. But where do you want to take this?

I kind of like the idea of ending up somewhere. Yeah, okay. Or you could set up a really cool yurt-style little situation so he rolls up so now you're glamping. I like this. You're glamping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you give him an afternoon of surviving and then a night of playing. And then some afternoon delight. I would do it longer than that. I would do a little yurt situation like Banana said. I think that's dead right.

I would put him in this hunting ground. I would rent out some space, but I would make him do an overnight in a shelter that he has created on his own. And I would have a little map that he could slowly get to. So he does suffer.

But then the next night when he finds you, you have his favorite food. You've got everything he wants. You've got a cooler of cold beer. And that night you celebrate the 40th in a fun way. And you then let him brag about how great he did for the last 30,000 hours. I like that a lot. And make sure there's like a bucket with water and do a real tick expense. Like really look for ticks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But Kirby, is this something you think you might do? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's a better story. Like I said, the cruise is, this is something you guys are going to be able to talk about her and regard. Here's what I think. The gnarlier it is, the better the story is going to be. Again, to go back, to go back to like, you know, the show that I do on the challenge, I've done 22 seasons of the challenge. The one that is talked about the most was a show called the Island and

Where we had to survive and starve on an island for 30 days. Great season. And all of the seasons that have ever been on that is still within the cast is still the most talked about one, even though it was most miserable because it was so different and it was so memorable. So I'm just saying from, I'm a story. I like, I like stories. I like experiences. And I just think that is a...

It's not like you're taking this guy. It's not like he's somebody that hates survival and watches. He shows like, Oh my God, I could never do that. I can't be outside without whatever bear spray fully clothed without my cell phone. Like the fact that he is like wants survival, you know, wants to test himself and wants us. It's like, I think it's, you know, you're not completely putting him in a, in a position where he's going to,

be screwed. Until night two, then he'll get real screwed. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all over. But Kirby, do you think you're going to do a nice hard push, challenge him a little bit and take Johnny's advice and make it extra hard for him? Is this something you're going to try and maybe give him the red pill, blue pill option beforehand where you say, I'm not going to tell you the details, but I could either book a cruise or I could give you a really intense adventure that's going to push you. What do you want? Is that something you might try?

I think what I'm just going to do is just say, I got a surprise for you. I knew it. And like, just take them out there and just. No option. I like that. And really Kirby's sticking to the old yeller version. He's going out back, whether he likes it or not. She's whipping this guy into shape. This calls really more about we're helping her toughen her husband up. It feels like it's Kirby's birthday. Yeah, it is. I just want to date to myself. Yeah.

Johnny, you're the best. Kirby, I think we gave you some solid advice. We really hope you take it. If you do, will you follow up with us? Can we get your husband? Can you guys both come on after the birthday and talk about how assuming he makes it? Absolutely. Yes. Yes, for sure. Thank you for this call. We really thank you so much, guys. It was so nice talking to you. Thank you, John. Thanks, Kirby.

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Hi. Good day to you. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Good day to you, Garth. Jake, we're in the middle of the intro. Back off. We're here to help. Can I get your name, rough age, and where you're calling from, please? Sure. I'm going to go with Kelly. I am 34, and I live in the Tri-State area outside of New York City.

All right. Good day to you, Kelly. And a good day to you from Jake as well. We both wish you good days. Kelly, quote unquote, what can we help you with? Talk us through it. What are you doing? I'm rusty. You did the last couple. I'm rusty, man. Quote unquote. Well, Kelly, it's a suited. I'm lost. I'm lost, baby. I'm lost.

You know what happened here, Kelly? Gareth always does our intros, but I did the last two callers and it threw them off. Oh, and it's just been chaos. We're back. We're back. All right, here we go. Hey, uh, Kelly. Hi. 34, Tri-State area. I love Tri-State. I have an idea. Gar, if you want to, let's just run the beginning again. Let's just see what happens. All right, great. All right. Hey, uh, welcome to We're Here to Help. Uh,

Can I get your name, Kelly, your age, 34, and tri-state area where you're calling from? Go ahead, Jay. And quote, unquote, what can we do to help you, Kelly? Quote, unquote, and action. Kelly, go for it. Good day to you. Good day to us. Hello. Hi. Hello. How are you? Okay. So I have a little bit of a quandary with...

our babysitter. So about a month ago, three weeks ago, my parents were in town and we had been trying to schedule a time to go out to dinner. And so the babysitter actually reached out to us and said, oh, I'm available on a Friday night. Happy to come and babysit. So I was like, great. This is going to work out great.

So my parents, my husband and I, we go out to town and go out to dinner and we come home and she's waiting for her ride home. She's also 17 in high school. And as we're chatting with her, I look at our coffee table and there is a used condom on the coffee table. She was happy to come.

Or at least he was. Oh, yeah. Wait, hold on. When you say on the counter, Kelly, what are you talking here? Like on the coffee table, like in the middle of our living room. So you mean the wrapper or the condom? No, no. The actual condom. What the fuck? And this this is a for sure used prophylactic. One hundred percent. It's unobtrusive.

Unraveled, like fully, yes. Sitting there. This is disgusting. And again, my parents are in the room, my husband's in the room, and I'm staring at this. Like, I'm frozen. I don't know what to do. I would be shocked.

It was crazy. So her ride comes, is it a guy who's sweating? Who's pretending he just saw her for the first time? Oh, Hey, I think she, I actually think she took an Uber home that night. Her parents usually take her home, but take her out. But she, an Uber came for her. Was the Uber driver like 17 years old smoking and sweating? No, no, no. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So, so I turn around and it's gone.

And I'm like, am I imagining things? Like what is going on? And I'm like, hello, did anyone else in this room see this? And my parents and my husband are like, no, we didn't. And I was like, they're like, are you sure? I was like, yeah, I'm sure. I know what a used condom looks like. Okay. Hold on. I got it. Kelly, I got to interrupt. This call might go in two ways.

One, your babysitter is a real creep and fucking at your house and leaving a condom. Gross. We've got to figure that out. Two, you're having a mental breakdown. You're in the middle of a horror film. And I left one out. You're in the middle of a horror film and you're starting to see stuff. Yeah.

Both calls are good for the show. One is good for you. One is good for you. Actually, none are good for you. None are good for me. Well, remember, she's in high school. So this is probably like the beginnings of her exploration. So I think like she was just being a little teenage risky, right? So I'm like, I have to confront her about this because I'm like, we can't have her back in our house, right? Okay. So I text her.

I know she's on her way home and I say, I'm reading the text message. I say, hi, I know this. I'm very uncomfortable even asking this, but did you have someone over the house tonight? Cause again, teenager benefit of the doubt. I like how you're handling this guy. Love it. I also don't want to be accusatory cause like, who knows? Okay. You're being a prank. You're being an adult is what you're being. Yeah. So get in like a teenage mindset and I'm not joking you. This is her response. I'm reading word for word. Oh God, no. I'm

I'm sorry about that. It's a Ziploc bag of mucus. I left it out on the table and forgot to throw it out. I didn't want to explain that to you because it was so disgusting that I let it busted there. I totally know what you think it was. I would not bring anyone into the house without your permission. I'm not sick. It just has to do with my allergies. Oh my, is this your first time lying?

I know. I mean, I worked in high school, so I have been around many a teenager. She lost two virginities that night. I also gave her a lot of room to fake lie or half lie or whatever. Okay.

Okay. So then I would find the leash to go like, yes. No, nobody was. Why? You're crazy. She could have, you gave her the runway to gaslight. Or also just say, yeah, my boyfriend was over. I'm sorry if that was a problem. It won't happen again. No, it's a new kind of Ziploc. It's looks like a balloon, but it's got ribs on it. Listen, I don't know what you mean. Sometimes I spit in those things. I save it. It's a DNA test. I,

have to go to the hospital. Everyone I love is dead. You didn't see anything. Your eyeballs are gone. Everybody I love is dead. As my friend said, there's no problem. There's no amount of mucus I've ever had that a Kleenex hasn't solved for me. So I don't know why we need to be brought into this. I'm going to blow my nose in the Ziploc bag. Also, mucus can't make babies. Yeah. So Kelly, how did you respond? Okay. So I respond and I go, you're

you're right. I'm pretty certain I saw a condom on the table and we wouldn't want anyone in the house when you're not here. And she goes, I completely understand. I would never, I respect you guys and your family too much to do something like that. It would be very inappropriate. I would never have someone in your house with your kids without your consent. So that's where we left it. And so she basically like is fully leaning into this.

Like I did anything wrong. She has to. Yeah. Like she's, this is the life she's now chosen. Yeah. Let's see this from her point of view. She is in a living nightmare. And you're not helping by calling a podcast, by the way, Kelly, you kept it. You've kept it vague. You've kept it vague. So now she texted us and she said, Hey, I'd love to babysit again. And I'm like, there's no way she's ever coming in my house again.

But I need to know, like, how am I supposed to move forward from this? Like, I'm not going to go into like a lying contest with a 17 year old. Interesting. So how old are your kids, by the way?

Three-year-old twins. Boys or girls? One of each. What time did you come home? Like 1030. We also have the easiest babysitting job ever. Like we, we get the kids ready for bed. They watch TV for a half an hour and she's like, just chilling here. Well, she's doing more than chilling. She's drilling. And the other thing that makes me uncomfortable is like, has she done this before? Like just was,

was responsible with her condoms. Like what, what is her, just to get into the headspace of touch. Like what were you either put it in your pocket, dig it deep in the trap. Like Gareth, I'll tell you what happened. She,

She has been using your house as a hump shack and she's got some boyfriend that they can't do in her house or his house. So part of being a babysitter is she has free reign and Jared or whatever his name is, is like, we'll go back to that great house. And they're in this routine. What happened this week was they just ran out of time. Guess what? After the ninth time of having sex, he has a little bit more stamina.

No, she thought this was going to be done. But Jake, it had the quote unquote mucus in the quote unquote Ziploc. Because he didn't fit it. If they got home at 1030, Jared finished at 1024. They had to clean up. He had to run out the back door. But then, okay, so then what's your plan? I'm going to hold the condom. I'm going to put it on the table. I'll come back to the evidence. Garf.

Jared did it. Jared did it. Okay. She didn't take the condom off. He goes like, she's like, oh my God, she's cleaning up the couch. And she's like, oh my God, it's a little sweaty. It's a little moist. She's cleaning everything up. And he goes like, I took care of the condom. I'm going to get Wendy's. And he's gone. How did he get on the table though? He put it there. He's a 17 year old boy. Why? Why didn't he use a napkin?

Because he's an animal, Kelly. Listen, because I'll tell you why. Because as guys, afterwards, you got 10 minutes of not thinking straight. And he was in that bubble. So 100% we're in agreement. She shouldn't be your babysitter, Amy.

No, he should definitely not. He should be. And I got to say the reason for me, it's a hundred percent is the lie. I agree. I mean, no, I think, I think even if he had told the truth, there's no way she's coming back into my head. Like that's a big break of trust. That's crazy. There's nothing to do to come back from this. It's crazy. Yeah. So the question, the question is now, can you, or how do you handle her saying, well,

Can I come back to your place? And Jared's willing to pay. He'll pay. So you guys don't even have to pay for a babysitter. He'll rent your couch out. He's like, I can give you like eight bucks an hour or like I can mow your lawn. I just would love to be with my girlfriend because I literally love her. She's like, I like him in love with her and we can't bone anywhere unless you go out with your parents. Don't worry. We'll be safe. I'll put a Ziploc over my mucus. Yeah.

So here's what I say you do. I'm ready to pitch. Go. I think you go clean and you just write back, thanks so much. We'll let you know. But then how is that going to stop her from being like, are you ready yet? Or like anything like that? I got an idea, Kelly. Go ahead. You write back to her this, still considering comma, we were very surprised for what we saw on the pet cam.

I think she knows we don't have pets, but I think she knows we don't have cameras. I like it. I over-promised, under-delivered. Gareth, you're back. I like where your head's at. First of all, let's just say I think you can very easily get away with, unfortunately, I can't shake what I saw. We appreciate everything you've done, but it's not going to happen again. We've moved on. We've filled the position.

Or I want to catch it. If you want to go to Jake's, if you want to go Jake's route, you did talk to the neighbors and the neighbors did see someone come over to the house that night, thus undercutting the rest of the Ziploc fibbering. Garth, here's why I think Kelly wants to go in this direction, because whenever we've hinted at just like, let it go, she's pushing Kelly. I got to say from even your text exchanges,

Is it fair to say you're a tad confrontational? I I've dabbled in confrontation yet. It's not a bad thing. There's no insult there, but some people are, some people aren't. Some people would go like, this is a nightmare. We just blow it off. I block her on my phone. You're somebody who doesn't like bullshit laying under the rug, right? You want to clean up the rug, lift the rug, clean it up. So I think what you would like this to end is this kid to know that

The reason you are not having her back is she had sex in your house and left a rubber. And I don't think you're going to be satisfied until you get that answer. Am I out of line here? Totally. Right. And I also want to make sure the door is like firmly closed. Like I don't want any confusion. Don't, don't talk to me again. What we need to do is we need to set a rat trap and we need to catch the rat

and get it out of your house. Am I on the line here, Garth? I mean, I believe you are talking about the re-invite.

Oh, my God. Are you talking about that? Because I don't know what I'm talking. Well, you need to have a pitch attached to it because listen. So I think what you do is I think you call her. I think you have this call on the phone so that you can really hear the bullshit come out of her mouth so that you and her both know that this is bullshit. Gareth, I'll be her. I'll be the kid. You be. All right. OK.

Hey, Sandy. Hey, it's Kelly. Yeah. Are you available? I'm willing to go this Friday. I can babysit or Saturday. Yeah. Well, before we even had you back, I wanted to ask you something. I know you'd said in your text that what I saw on the counter was not what I saw. What I saw was a used condom.

And again, I'm 40 years old, so I know what a used condom is. You were telling me that it was a, what was it again? Also, Kelly, how did you feel by him aging you by six years there? Yeah, thanks so much. I feel great about it. Okay, go ahead. Oh, 34, sorry. Back to the game. All right, all right, all right. Hey, it's me, Kelly. Listen, I'm, you know, listen, I'm a woman who's in her late 20s. At least I look like I'm in my mid-20s.

I'm a little older than that. I'm sure you're as stunned as we all are. I can't believe you had babies. Your figure's amazing. It's been unbelievable. Thank you, Reebok, if they're still a company. I just want to clear the air a little bit because I feel like my point about my age, which, again, I look fantastic for, is that I've seen a used condom before. What I saw on the countertop

in the kitchen table that day was a used condom. No. What did you say it was? I'm so embarrassed by that. It was a mucus bag because of my allergies. So I get really bad seasonal allergies and I need a mucus bag. And I totally, totally understand why you see that. A lot of people have said that to me. It's really funny. They've said like... I've been Googling mucus bag and like nothing, I've never heard of it. Oh.

And there's another thing. There's another thing I should tell you. And this has nothing to do with you because we, up until this point, completely trusted you. But one of the kids stuffed animals that we have in the house actually has a little camera in it. We never use it. I talked to my boyfriend and I'm so embarrassed. Please don't tell my parents. You're never coming back. So Kelly, I think what we got to in the end there was I think she's going to wiggle out of a confession. But I think if you just, and I would do it over the text.

I would potentially just say, I'm having some concerns about what we've seen on the nanny cam, comma, and not exactly ready or feeling comfortable with you guys coming back to babysit. All the best.

I like it. I would phone call her. That's the only difference. Kelly, where are you at? I think I like the text of, we know what we saw. You don't have to contact us ever again. Just put it out there. I don't need to go into a... I don't need to go into what we both know happened.

Right. Also, one of my daughter has hay fever. Can you send me a link to these mucus bags? Kelly, is this a text you think you're actually going to send? I've kind of ghosted her. She texted us like over a week ago and I've kind of ghosted her for a little bit. So I know that I could also just block her, I guess. But no, I really feel like if she does reach out again, I got to I got to shut it down. So the move is for now you're going to do nothing. But if she reaches out again, I'm

Can we put together a text in your phone that you don't send, but it's just sitting there? I'm ready. Okay. Do you want to, let's put it in your words, not ours, Kelly. Okay. But will you, as you're typing it, say it out loud so we can all kind of hear it? Sure. Okay.

Hi, so-and-so. Thanks for reaching out. We are still uncomfortable with what we saw. Wait, hold on. Saw, you're just talking about the condom or are you going to make up a lie about the camera? You're just going to go with Saw? It's a dealer's choice. I think it's Saw. I think we can leave it open. Respect. Respect. Because she could say, you mean my mucus bag? I'm just saying it might lead to a follow-up. It might lead to a follow-up.

I mean, honestly, I'm not really cool with a babysitter who leaves mucus bags either, you know? Fair. Okay. So then, so we're not comfortable with what we saw, period. At this point, we have moved on and found another sitter. Fair. I wouldn't put us down for any references in the future.

Yeah, no, no, no reason. I like that. Really? Just you got you guys are a little bit meaner. This is a 17 year old kid. She bathed in their house and said the used condom was a mucus bag. Let's go, baby.

I like that. I like that. All right, Kelly. So will you read us in closing the text one more time? And I'm going to try to hear it as a 17-year-old girl who got caught in a really embarrassing lie. Hi, so-and-so. Thank you for reaching out, but we are still uncomfortable with what we saw. At this point, we have moved on and found another sitter. Please do not put us down for a reference in the future.

That's it. Ouchie mama. That's a closed door. That is a closed door. Yeah, that's a slam door. I'm telling you, if I'm her, I write back because I'm panicking. I write back. You didn't see anything. You didn't see anything, but like, okay, but like, I really love your kids, but okay. And then at that point, don't write back again. If that happens, Kelly, call back in. We'll do a follow-up session with the next month. That's fair. Kelly, will you call us back if she responds to that?

I will. I will, for sure. All right. Good luck to you. And also, if you need a babysitter and I'm in the Tri-State neighborhood, my wife and I will come. Gross. And it'll be great. And I'll leave mucus bags everywhere. Yeah. Well, Jake's been married for a while. They don't use mucus bags anymore. I'll tell you what's even sadder. I'll leave mucus bag, singular. Maybe not use. Is there even mucus in this bag? And I'll go like, alas! Hold it up to the light! Hold it up to the light!

life just as much as that disgusting teenager you bet it looked different shut up shut up i've been through some shit kelly i'm going through a depression i'm pretty i'm pretty down kelly thank you for the call we appreciate you thank you guys

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.