31: Crap Rat
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All right, here we go.

All right. Jake, Gareth, Brian, new girl. Uh, we're here. Um, we're here to help. Uh, you know what we do? Uh, the podcast in the world, number one podcast in the world. So we got a fun show today. Yes, we have a great problem up top. Um,

You know, we met through improv. That's a big yes and. Nice connection. There you go. And sometimes in life you have to yes and. Yes and. And then to our second call, you've also. Second call, we kind of have to dig for a second, but then there's a. There's connections to our life too. Enjoy the show. Wait. Oh, goodbye. Bye. Bye.

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code gill sent me hello welcome to the show hi glad to be here thanks for having me great can we get your name your location and what you're calling about uh my name is zach i'm calling from south dakota and uh what yeah south dakota um

Wanted to get your guys' perspective on a situation that I found myself in. First, Zach, how old are you? What's our zone here? I'm 28 years old. 28. What do you do for work? I work in accounting. Accounting. Cool. Exciting. Got any siblings? Yep. I have one younger brother. He's 26. Little baby bro. Little baby bro. Yeah, it's nice. I heard you, Jake. It's, you know.

What's your signs, Zach? Okay. This is just sort of. I'm a Gemini. I don't know. You don't know signs. Difference between California and South Dakota. What's your birth date? June 1st. June 1st? Yep.

You're a Gemini. You are a Gemini, my man. Hey. You and Jake are, you're Gemini. Zach, I can't believe you said June 1st and my dumb ass didn't do the math. I'm May 28th, Gemini. All right, my twin. Two-faced. Zach, let's shoot. What's our problem today? All right. All right. Zach, let's, let's, why don't we get into this? Now we're loose. Now we're loose. Yeah, it's great that you got all those swings in. So, so Zach, I feel like we know you pretty well. Got a baby brother, all that stuff. What's the problem? What's going on with you? What's up?

So a couple of weeks back, got a wedding invite in my email, started going through it and, you know, it's fairly standard, but found it's a destination wedding in Munich, Germany. The happy couple looks great. They have a picture in here and wearing his plaid pants. Good luck. And yeah,

The problem I'm facing here is I'm confident that I've never met these people in my entire life. And somehow it gets to my email. So that's where I'm looking for some advice. Wow. Does it have your name on it? It does. It has my full name, my email, and my full name. You really, really don't think you've ever, seriously, you don't think you have, you have no clue who these people are.

I honestly do not have a clue who they are. So the question is, what do you do? Do you go to the wedding? Do you spam them? Or do you yes and into the galaxy like a Gemini would? Yeah. Hey, Zach. Yeah, yeah. Is there a world where you can take some time off and go to Germany? Is this a reality for you?

Well, you know, I brought this up to a number of people because just how does somebody get my direct email address for something like this?

One of those was my girlfriend asked me to submit it to you guys because you had the fake Jake situation. I know in case of mistaken identity. And one of the other people that I brought it up to was my boss and she cleared it. She said, you can take the time off if you want to go check this thing out. I'm 100% ready to pitch. I'm 100% ready to pitch. This might be our shortest call. Here's what I would say, Zach.

I would say bring your girlfriend, take a wonderful vacation to Germany. Great country. And the wedding is just one part of your European vacation, but you have a story forever for you guys. And now this is an excuse to take a European vacation. Your boss already cleared it. The peak of it, when you get there, get them a gift.

And when they say, who are you? You say, I feel the same way about you, but you invited me. And then have a printout of the invitation with your name on it. That's what I was going to say, too. I don't think you do. There's no need for you to pretend to be someone that you're not. They sent it to you. You don't know who the hell these people are, but you got invited, so just go. There might be something at this wedding that...

Is the answer to all the problems here, Zach. Might be. Yeah. I think this is a hundred percent. Germany is great. Germany's vacation is great. Having a plan. Whatever you can do.

However much you want to broaden it out. But even if it's just going to the wedding and taking a week and just hanging out in Germany with your girlfriend, this is a great reason to do it. It is a hilarious story. Incredible. I can't wait for a follow up call where you tell us what they don't know you. It was an accident or these you met them or whatever. Yeah. Also, Zach, I wouldn't lean in there when you get to that wedding. First of all, is there a chance you're going to do this? Where do you think you're at percentage wise?

I think there's some logistical things we'd have to work through, uh, September. So there'd be, there'd be time. Um, you got plenty of time. The other, the other thing is, um, I did find somebody who has my exact name. There's not that many people that share my exact name. Uh, there's a guy in Wisconsin. Here's what you could do. Cause I can tell you got a little bit of guilt about it. So I would reach out to Wisconsin, Zach, uh,

I would find either on Instagram or Facebook. And if you can't find him, you can't find it. But I would do a solid day of trying. If he gets back to you and goes, I don't know who those people are either, man, then it's your duty to go to the wedding, get him a great gift and tell him congratulations and not bring up the fact that you don't know them and they don't know you. When they say, if somebody says like, how do you know the bride and groom? You go, I was invited to the wedding.

and lean into the fact that you're just there. Go ahead, Garth. I stick to option one. I know you were a little apprehensive. You're a Gemini, babe. But I would go. You got invited. I would go. And when anyone asks, just be like, I don't know why I got invited. But my girlfriend and I were excited. I RSVP'd. I'm here to have a great time. The Germans are known for their great senses of humor. They'll love it. Zach, what do you think you're going to do here? Where are you at?

as much as I'd like to just go and, and, and, and wedding crash in Germany, I think not wedding crash. What? Yeah. Well, that's right. I like the idea of, of at least giving it a shot, reaching out to this other guy. That's because you're a Gemini like me. That's what I would do. Weak. But you know, there is, there is always that option that possibly maybe I should know these people from somewhere, but I guess the, the first steps probably to, to check out whether he's,

I think you've answered what you're going to do. You're a weak Gemini, so you're going to do that. I always say, WWOW, what would Owen Wilson do? Add a D to my acronym. But OK, so there you go. Well, if you end up going, because I think if this guy is like, I don't know what you're talking about, you've got to go. If you do, reach out to us and let us know. I agree. I agree. If he doesn't know who he is.

who they are either. It's gotta be me. And if you just suddenly think to yourself, you know what? I want to actually have fun with life, grab its reins and ride along, leave that weak star sign of yours. Go for it. You,

You're such a Libra, dude. You're not even close to what my- You're such a Cancer. No, Jesus, take it easy. You're such an other sign. You're such an Aries. No, I think it's Aries. Aries, you're such an Aries. I'm not even that though. What are you? Sagittarius. Classic. Zach, thank you for the call. Yeah, we are wild.

Yeah, I appreciate it. Big fan's a new girl, so I appreciate you guys. Oh, thanks, man. It was a lot of fun to make. Thank you, man. We appreciate that. We love that show, too. Thanks, bud. Thank you so much. That's so nice to hear from fans, man.

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Hi, you're on with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. Can we ask your name, please? My name is Caroline. Hey, Caroline. How are you? Hi, Caroline. I'm good. How are you guys? Good, thanks. I'm doing pretty good. How are you, Garfield? I haven't asked you that today. I'm pretty good. I'm doing pretty good. Jake, you're good? You said you were good? Yeah.

Things are good. I got some shit sleep last night, but I'm pretty good. I also had shit sleep. I didn't want to get too in the weeds with it because I thought, hey, Caroline's calling. Let's let's deal with her. Do you deal with her? Well, is there something you want to say or anything? Nah, just you're sure. Yeah. All right. Caroline, where are you from? I'm from Indianapolis, Indiana. Oh, nice. I like Indianapolis, Indiana. OK. And how old are you? Mind if we ask?

I do not mind. I am 38 years old. Yeah. And what do you do for work?

Well, I used to be a marketing writer and a writer generally, but when I had my kids, I quit that and have just been home raising kiddos since my daughter was born. How many kids you got? You said the one daughter? No, I have a daughter named Charlie who is six and a son named Oscar who is five. You have a six-year-old girl named Charlie and a five-year-old boy named Oscar, yes? Yes.

I do, yes. We have a very soft picture of your life, Caroline. Do you mind telling us what you're calling about today? I'm actually calling you about my five-year-old, Oscar. He's going to be starting kindergarten in the fall, and he's very scared about it. And he's just kind of scared that...

generally of a lot of new things that didn't used to seem to bother him, like the dark or going downstairs by himself or going upstairs by himself or any kind of bug. Fireworks were a big thing. My husband had to sit on the edge of his bed during the 4th of July because he was so scared of the sound. So my man Oscar has some anxiety.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Oscar. Hey, Oscar. Welcome to the world. A lot of us do.

Get in line, Oscar. Get in line, my guy. I'm scared of everything. Wait till you're 40. Why do you think we were both that didn't get enough sleep? We were terrified. Woke up to go to the bathroom. Couldn't go to bed because of crippling anxiety. Got scared about what? The future? Big stuff, small stuff, don't matter. How should I know? I'm just Oscar. So Oscar has a lot of fear and he's starting kindergarten, yeah?

Yeah, and I want to make it less scary for him or try to find ways to help him through it. Have you considered moving to some utopian society where you just eat like fruits and veggies from trees and the earth? And you guys all live in like white gowns and have like a good leader? Yeah.

A good leader. Leader part's troubling forever. The last part's troubling forever. I agree. I blew it. I blew it. Yeah, it's a worry at the end, obviously. The end was the worry. So basically, if we're correct here, is this question, unless I'm jumping in and ending you too quickly, but is this basically, how do we get Oscar a little less scared for school? That's exactly the question.

I got to say, this is tough. It's tough. Now, can I ask you this? You said that the fear has sort of just started. It didn't seem to be there before, and now it's sort of started. Is that right? It is. I mean, I'll level with you. I feel like it might have started earlier.

Partly with he got interested in mummies, like books about mummies. So I got him one thinking, this is great. Let me nurture this interest. And it was way too intense. And the pictures were really creepy. So, but no, you know, I don't want to trace it all to the mummies. It's more, I don't know. Because you did it.

I know it's my fault. And so that's why you're like, we're not here to mummy blame. Come on. Let's just deal with it now. Yeah. But I do wonder if it's like if kindergarten is like the root of all things or if it's just another thing, you know? I mean, who knows? The other thing that do you or your husband or either you guys big anxiety people?

I mean, yeah, we're anxious people. I don't think we have like a clinical diagnosis, but we're not the most like relaxed people that you'll meet. So what I hear about kids and, you know, obviously we're no experts, but what I hear about this world is a lot of it is from the parental advisor. Yeah.

So how nervous are you for your baby boy to start school? I am really nervous because my daughter had a really rough transition to kindergarten. So I've already been kind of like bracing myself. So yes, I am more nervous than the average bear maybe. Caroline, if I had a bell, I would be ringing it. Yeah.

What does that mean, Jake? For those of us who aren't sure what the bell ring means. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our answer. So you think this is handed down anxiety. Yeah, I think he's a...

probably a really intuitive little creature. I think he's feeling that anxiety and it's building up. I think the mummy book probably scared the shit out of them just like it should. I showed my kids a shark video when they were about four years old. To this day, when they go in pools, they go, there's not a shark in here.

Right. And I go, look at it. Look at it. That happened to me. I saw Jaws when I was far too young and I was like, I'm not going in that pool. And like, no matter what anyone told me, I was like, you don't know. To this day, the amount of conversations I've had to have where I go, well, chlorine would kill it as well as you can see the bottom of the pool. They adapt, dad. They adapt. Not even that much logic. It just goes more like, yeah, but I don't know.

And I go, well, you see the bottom, there's no shark. And they go, yeah, I'm not going to go in though.

Yeah. You're like, that's some good straight up fear. Yeah. We more specialize on if you're like, should I eat a hot dog on the 4th of July or hamburger? Yeah. And that is still a struggle for us to answer, but we at least can give you an aspect. Because, Gareth, the thing is, is like a hot dog has its upsides, but so does a hamburger. We'll be right back. With a special commercial from a hamburger place. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So can I ask a quick question, Caroline? Yeah. Do you have anything in your life that's really trivial and small and stupid? You know, like, should you be wearing cut off jeans to drop him off? Anything like that? We could answer really quick and try to get a win here. Yeah. Here's a win. Okay. It's still about Oscar, but I can't get him to stop running around shouting. My name is crap rat. And,

And I eat children. Okay. See, this is more of our podcast. You buried the lead. Come on. Come on. Wait, he's running around saying my name is Crap Rat? I eat what? My name is Crap Rat, and my favorite thing to eat is children. That's what he's been running around pretending. Okay. So this little boy, your five-year-old son, runs around. He yells at other kids, my name is Crap Rat, and I eat children. I mean, mostly...

Yeah, he'll yell it at me and my daughter and my husband. And you're trying to figure out how to get him to stop doing this. I mean, I don't want him to debut it in public. Yeah, I'd like to keep it inside. I don't agree. I love I think let's unveil the character early. So can I ask a question about this? When did Oscar start identifying himself as Crab Rat? Do you remember the Crab Rat or Crab Rat?

No, it's Crap Rat with a P. Thank you. Crap Rat. It's what I wanted. Okay, keep going. So when did he start becoming Crap Rat? It's fairly new. Within the past few days, Crap Rat has debuted, and I don't know why or where. Because it's awesome. It's not...

I agree. I kind of love it. But hold on, Caroline. When he first did this, what happened? How does it start? He's in the backyard and a five-year-old boy just yells, I'm crap rat and I eat kids. This is a jump. So how did we get to this? Yeah.

He ran into the living room. I think I was sitting on the couch and I think he's chasing my daughter around. Just shout and just shouted my name. He stood up on the ottoman actually. And he shouted, my name is crap rat. And my favorite thing to eat is children. And what was your daughter's reaction?

And she kind of squealed and ran because then he started pretending to eat her, you know. Well, to be fair, he stated the mood. I mean, he's crap rat. He eats children. Of course, you know what I mean? Like that's on her now. Get out of the room. Crap rat's here.

You make a good point. And so Caroline, the question is, is if I'm getting this correct, is how do you get him to stop referring to himself as crap rat? Or do you just let crap rat sing a little bit and let it go? Yes. Well, let me just put it like this. And I've told Garth this, but, uh, when I was about Oscar's age, uh,

I wanted to be called Arnold. I think it was Arnold Jackson, even though his name should be Arnold Drummond because he was adopted by the Drummonds. But this is from different just a just a show I watched growing up called Different Strokes. And I wanted to be and I loved him as little Gary Coleman. What an actor. Yeah.

Unfortunately, I heard some bad stuff about him later in life, but that's not what this is about. Okay, yeah, yeah, but just to... Charming little character actor, great show about two kids who get adopted into a millionaire family in Upper East Side. And guess what? Jakey J wanted to be Arnold Drummond. And I had everybody call me Arnold on birthday cakes.

Everybody had to say, happy birthday, Arnold. My mom told me when all the little kids would sing, they would go, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Arnold. Happy birthday to you. And the way my mother, she was very embarrassed by it. She did not like it. Other parents would ask, like, who's Arnold? And she would have to say, the youngest child in different strokes, which was also admitting that I watched way too much TV.

And as a single mom, she was not fired up about any of this. It's also sort of tipping the hand to like, he has a fantasy to go in a different house. He wants to live with another family. He wants some rich old guy to adopt him. Yeah. But I'll tell you what she did, which I thought was really wise. And that is she just let me rock Arnold. And there was a moment where I think I said, why is everybody calling me Arnold? My name is Jake.

And she said, no more Arnold. And as if an alien took me over and created Arnold, I was like, yeah, Arnold's gone. I'm Jake. But if she said at that time, you are not allowed to refer to yourself as Arnold. There's a real chance. I'm asking this is we're here to help with Gareth and Arnold. Oh, which is just a superior show without question. When when you were sick of it, Jake, and she called you Arnold, did you look at her and say, what you talking about, mom?

Did that happen? That's a joke for the older fans. People our age right now are dying. It's a good joke. It's a good joke for the elderly. That's a goddamn. But but what Jake also has said is that he's he's standing there so proud that his name is Arnold. But look, I don't think Crap Rat is going to stick forever. Oscar is going to become Oscar again. You know, every now and then he just has these little crap.

fits and that's fine um this is this is what i would say you've got one of two options i think what jake said is right i think you just let it go i think if he's if he's scaring your daughter i think you could come up like crap rat goes outside you know if she wants to play we can go play crap rat in the yard um you know you're here to eat children that's a problem for a child and

Um, I, I would, my other angle would be maybe you can escalate and, and just get through this timeline a little faster. If you lean into it, get a Cape, get a CR emblem that he can wear on his chest, something like that. Um, yeah.

You know, just things things like that. Think of the superhero version of Crap Rat, which I would imagine he would like. Maybe that can get the infatuation to fade faster. So I'm kind of with Gareth, but I'm kind of not. I think I wouldn't I wouldn't water this seed because I don't think you want him to have to like lean further in. But what I would do is I wouldn't run from it.

When he's doing it, I would refer to him as Crap Rat, but Crap Rat still has all the same responsibilities Oscar does. So you could go like, hey, Crap Rat, in 20 minutes, we're sitting down for dinner. And he goes like, I eat children. Well, you also eat these chicken nuggets and your broccoli, Crap Rat. And I think if you stick to that, Crap Rat's going to realize this is not much better than Oscar.

And it'll then slowly fade away. But I wouldn't stifle it because, you know... You can't win if you're stifling. And also, Crap Rat's a pretty exciting move for a five-year-old. And we encourage that. Yeah.

I think the downside is obviously, and I think there's only a small percent chance of this, but that makes him feel like he can do that further. And then he's 15 years old and he's become shit ferret or something like that. But I don't see that happening. Much like my man Arnold over here just said, I think he'll get it out of his system. I think so too. So Caroline, our advice to you on this one is...

Let Crap Rat run its natural course of things. And we're going to see what happens and let him take that energy when he starts school. And maybe that's the confidence that's going to carry him into kindergarten. Yeah. Crap Rat's not afraid of kindergarten. Yeah. So thank you for the call. We wish you all the best. And we think you got something fun with Crap Rat running around Indianapolis. Yeah. Okay.

Any kid that comes up with Crap Rat is all right in my book. Agreed. He's going to be okay. Okay. Yeah. That's fine. Thank you for the call, Carolyn. Thank you, guys. See ya. Good luck. Tell Crap Rat what's up. I will. Thank you. Thank you. Here's a quick mini bonus call with one of our favorite guests.

All right. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on the podcast. Can I get your name, where you're calling from, and maybe just jump into whatever your issue is? Yeah, my name is Jake. I'm calling from Los Angeles. And my issue is I went hiking with my friend Lamorne, and he was winded. He was out of shape. He kept asking for breaks and doing fake little monologues. And then when we were posting about it, he called me a liar on social media.

So I want to know, what's up, my man? What's up with your cardio? First of all, you see the triceratops right here, okay? Got these dinosaur arms.

You're a liar, Jake. You're a liar. What happened was I wasn't used to that particular canyon. So when you understand the path, then you can understand the breath work. I didn't know the path. So you're saying that because you didn't know the path, that's why you stopped so many times, looked around, pretended to love the view. Love the view. Had moments where you would say like, can't we just talk for a second? Yeah, Jake, I hadn't seen you in a while. You're forgetting. And to tell the people that we don't hang out as much as they think,

And I was happy to see you. We started to. I know. After we did the Natalie Morales night. Exactly. Because we realized we actually love each other. Yeah, that's true. But then do you remember what you said to somebody you loved during the hike when you were beating me? You pointed to my stomach, which was sticking out. And you said, how come you're not more tired? Look at you. Yeah, because I'm not going to lie to you, Jake. I was shocked. I didn't know you could throw your weight around like that.

He goes, man, how are you not tired? And I was like, how are you so tired? Then he pointed at my stomach. But if we did a rematch, I'm not getting winded. Let's do it. Your boy's back at it. Okay, great. Next week, you and LA. Let's just do it different. Let's just walk on the flat surface, though. Let's not go up a can. Not much of a hike. Come on. We're ending this call.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HateGum Podcast.